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Everyone loves a good joke

Started by The Traveller, November 11, 2013, 10:23:21 PM

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The Traveller

November 11, 2013, 10:23:21 PM
Just going over the archives here, and I'd like to ask a question.
Quote from: RPGPunditLike, call me a misogynist, or talk about my hatred of the Basques, or racist things I've said against the Irish).
Please, share with the group. What racist things have you said against the Irish? I'll take this opportunity to let everyone enjoy some delightful polack jokes:

Q: Did you hear about the Polak who thought his wife was trying to kill him?
A: On her dressing table he found a bottle of "Polish Remover".

Q: Why did the polack put ice in his condom?
A: To keep the swelling down.

Q: Why don't polish women use vibrators?
A: It chips their teeth.

Q: Whats the difference between a smart Polak and a unicorn?
A: Nothing, they're both fictional characters

Q: How did the Germans conquer Poland so fast?
A: They marched in backwards and the Polish thought they were leaving.

Q: How do you stop a Polish army on horseback?
A: Turn off the carousel.

Q: What does a polish girl do after she sucks cock?
A: Spits out the feathers.

Q: What do you do if a Polak throws a pin at you?
A: Run like hell - he's still got a hand-grenade between his teeth.

Q: Did you hear about the Polish Helicopter crash?
A: The pilot got cold, so he turned off the fan.

Q: What happened to the Polish National Library?
A: Someone stole the book.

Q: What did the Polish mother say when her daughter announced that she was pregnant?
A: "Are you sure it's yours?"

Q: Why did the Polak sell his water skis?
A: He couldn't find a lake with a hill in it.
"These children are playing with dark and dangerous powers!"
"What else are you meant to do with dark and dangerous powers?"
A concise overview of GNS theory.
Quote from: that muppet vince baker on RPGsIf you care about character arcs or any, any, any lit 101 stuff, I\'d choose a different game.

The Traveller

#2
November 11, 2013, 10:39:10 PM
"These children are playing with dark and dangerous powers!"
"What else are you meant to do with dark and dangerous powers?"
A concise overview of GNS theory.
Quote from: that muppet vince baker on RPGsIf you care about character arcs or any, any, any lit 101 stuff, I\'d choose a different game.

Rincewind1

#3
November 11, 2013, 10:49:51 PM
Finally, a joke thread!

What's a sober Irishman called?
A corpse.

Why "No Irishmen and Dogs" signs?
Because nobody wants to catch fleas.

How do you confuse an Irish man?
Put him in a round room and tell him his lunch is in the corner

A famous Irish writer asks on his deathbed for a decanter of water. When faced by shock from his family, he says "What, you are supposed to make amends with all your foes before death."

Why did the English conquer Ireland?
Because they haven't discovered Australia yet.

What's the difference between an Irishman and a lift?
A lift can raise a family of four.

The most deadly dilemma to an Irishman? Whether to allow a potato to ferment and drink it, or to eat it.
Furthermore, I consider that  This is Why We Don\'t Like You thread should be closed

The Traveller

#4
November 11, 2013, 10:53:42 PM
A Polack goes to the eye doctor. The bottom line of the eye chart has the letters:
C Z Y N Q S T A S Z.
The Optometrist asks, "Can you read this?"
"Read it?" the Polack replies, "I know the guy."


Knock, Knock?
Who's there?
Polish burglar.


Why didn't Pope John Paul allow any dogs in the Vatican?
Because they pee on poles.


A guy walks into a bar, sits down and orders a beer. He says to the bartender, "Hey, want to hear a good Polack joke?"
The bartender says, "Tell you what.... I'm Polish. See those two big guys playing pool? They're Polish. See those other two guys sitting at the end of the bar? They're Polish. You still want to tell your "Polack" joke?"
The man replies, "Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five fucking times."


And don't any of you English pricks start chortling, if we haven't blown you up yet it's because you got lucky.
"These children are playing with dark and dangerous powers!"
"What else are you meant to do with dark and dangerous powers?"
A concise overview of GNS theory.
Quote from: that muppet vince baker on RPGsIf you care about character arcs or any, any, any lit 101 stuff, I\'d choose a different game.

Rincewind1

#5
November 11, 2013, 11:02:56 PM
Why did the Irish Famine hit?
Nobody realised potatoes grew underground.

How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
21 - One to hold the lightbulb, and 20 to drink until the room spins!

How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?
None.   

What's an Irish Oktoberfest called?
Tuesday
Furthermore, I consider that  This is Why We Don\'t Like You thread should be closed

The Traveller

#6
November 11, 2013, 11:06:36 PM
Poland sent its top team of scientists to attend the international science convention, where all the countries of the world gathered to compare their scientific achievements and plans.
The scientists listened to the United States describe how they were another step closer to a cure for cancer, and the Russians were preparing a space ship to go to Saturn, and Germany was inventing a car that runs on water. Soon, it was the Polish scientists' turn to speak.
"Well, we are preparing a space ship to fly to the sun." This, of course was met with much ridicule. They were asked how they planned to deal with the sun's extreme heat. "Simple, we're going at night!"


Did you hear about the Polish man that locked his keys in his car?
He had to use a coat hanger to get his family out.


In America, they say, "It's 10:00 - Do you know where your children are?" In England, they say, "It's 10:00 - Do you know where your wife is?" In France, they say, "It's 10:00 - Do you know where your husband is?" In Poland, they say, "It's 10:00 - Do you know what time it is?"


Why did the Polak cross the road?
'cause his dick was stuck in the chicken.


Did you hear about the Polack who went to the doctor and asked him for advice on how to improve his sex life?
The doctor told him to jog ten miles a day, for seven days. Then call him.
A week later, the Polack telephoned.
"Well," asked the doctor, "has jogging improved your sex life?"
"I don't know," said the Polack. "I'm seventy miles from home."
"These children are playing with dark and dangerous powers!"
"What else are you meant to do with dark and dangerous powers?"
A concise overview of GNS theory.
Quote from: that muppet vince baker on RPGsIf you care about character arcs or any, any, any lit 101 stuff, I\'d choose a different game.

Rincewind1

#7
November 11, 2013, 11:19:59 PM
What do you call a sophisticated Irishman? A Scot.

Paddy was rather sad after viewing the body of a dead atheist.
"There he was. All dressed up and no place to go."

What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?
One less drunk

What are the best ten years of an Irishman's life?
Third grade.

An Irishman was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell badly. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.
"Please, God," he implored, "let it be blood!"
Furthermore, I consider that  This is Why We Don\'t Like You thread should be closed

TristramEvans

#8
November 11, 2013, 11:24:04 PM
Quote from: Rincewind1;707282What do you call a sophisticated Irishman? A Scot

I resemble that remark :)

The Traveller

#9
November 11, 2013, 11:24:56 PM
Did you hear about the Polish Admiral who wanted to be buried at sea when he died? Five sailors drowned digging his grave.


A Polish man was walking down the street, carrying a brown paper bag. He ran into one of his friends, who asked, "Hey! What do you have in the bag?" The man tells his friend that he has some fish in the bag. His friend says, "Well, I'll make you a bet. If I can guess how many fish you have in the bag, you'll have to give me one." The man says, "I'll tell you what. If you tell me how many fish I have in this bag, I'll give you both of them."


Did you hear about the tragedy in Poland? In Poland's largest shopping mall, there was a power outage. People were stuck on the escalators for 4 hours.


This Polak came home one day from work, hung up his coat, took off his hat and walked into his bedroom shouting "honey I'm home!" What should he see but his best friend in bed with his wife. Infuriated, he rushed to the cupboard, pulled out his gun and put it to his head. His wife started laughing. "Don't laugh!" he screams. "You're next!"


A Polak went to a carpenter and said, "Can you build me a box that is two inches high, two inches wide, and fifty feet long?"
"Hmm..." mused the carpenter. "It could be done, I suppose, but what would you want a box like that for?"
"Well, you see," said the Polak, "My neighbor moved away and forgot some things, so he asked me to send him his garden hose."


A traveling salesman has an audience with the Pope and, not quite knowing what to say tries to break the ice with a joke...
"Have you heard the one about the two Polish priests, Holy Father?" "But I am Polish, my son."  There followed a pregnant pause while the salesman thought quickly ...
"That's OK, Holy Father, I'll tell it to you slowly."
"These children are playing with dark and dangerous powers!"
"What else are you meant to do with dark and dangerous powers?"
A concise overview of GNS theory.
Quote from: that muppet vince baker on RPGsIf you care about character arcs or any, any, any lit 101 stuff, I\'d choose a different game.

James Gillen

#10
November 12, 2013, 02:32:42 AM
Did you hear the one about the two Irish gays?

Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick.

JG
-My own opinion is enough for me, and I claim the right to have it defended against any consensus, any majority, anywhere, any place, any time. And anyone who disagrees with this can pick a number, get in line and kiss my ass.
 -Christopher Hitchens
-Be very very careful with any argument that calls for hurting specific people right now in order to theoretically help abstract people later.
-Daztur

The Ent

#11
November 12, 2013, 03:51:32 AM
Diversity time!!!

Ever heard of the Swede who got straight A's at school?
Me neither, call me when you've found him.

Ever heard of the Swede who entered university?
Me neither.

Q: What's the similarity between the Swedish brain and the Abominable Snowman?
A: Neither's ever been discovered.

They're building insane asylums in the Nordic countries:
* One in Norway
* One in Denmark
* They're just putting a roof over all of Sweden

Q: What do the Swedes call an intelligent person?
A: A tourist.

Q: What do the Swedes have that Norwegians lack?
A: Good neighbours.

Q: Why are all the jokes about Swedes so stupid?
A: So that the Swedes will understand them.

Monster Manuel

#12
November 12, 2013, 07:15:58 AM
I forget who wrote this, but it was a famous comedian.

Q: What's the difference between an Irish Wedding and an Irish Funeral?
A: One less drunk.
Proud Graduate of Parallel University.

The Mosaic Oracle is on sale now. It\'s a raw, open-sourced game design Toolk/Kit based on Lurianic Kabbalah and Lambda Calculus that uses English key words to build statements. If you can tell stories, you can make it work. It fits on one page. Wait for future games if you want something basic; an implementation called Wonders and Worldlings is coming soon.

The Traveller

#13
November 12, 2013, 07:40:38 AM
A Polak is hired to paint the lines on the road. On the first day he paints ten miles, and his employers are amazed. But, the second day he painted just five, and on only the third day, he painted only a mile of the road.
Disappointed, his boss asks what the problem was.
The Polak replies, "Well sir, every day I have to walk farther and farther to get back to the paint bucket."
"These children are playing with dark and dangerous powers!"
"What else are you meant to do with dark and dangerous powers?"
A concise overview of GNS theory.
Quote from: that muppet vince baker on RPGsIf you care about character arcs or any, any, any lit 101 stuff, I\'d choose a different game.

Catelf

#14
November 12, 2013, 07:55:15 AM
Quote from: The Ent;707318Diversity time!!!

They're building insane asylums in the Nordic countries:
* One in Norway
* One in Denmark
* They're just putting a roof over all of Sweden
I liked this one.

Now, i could respond in kind (I'm swedish, and well aware of a bunch of "Norway-jokes" ... ), but i won't, since those jokes aren't really fun at all.
Ok, a few are innovative, and fun due to that.
The funniest thus far has really been a simple comment from Tristram ...

Nah, i'll help mr Ent, by telling a true tale from Sweden ...

Each year, tens of thousands of swedes gather to remember a ski-trip that one of Swedens Greatest Kings Ever once made.
They gather to ski the very same distance that the King once made, and on a given signal at dawn, they all start skiing ....
... in the opposite direction.
I may not dislike D&D any longer, but I still dislike the Chaos-Lawful/Evil-Good alignment system, as well as the level system.
;)
________________________________________

Link to my wip Ferals 0.8 unfinished but playable on pdf on MediaFire for free download here :
https://www.mediafire.com/?0bwq41g438u939q
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