TheRPGSite

There are two players in one of my games.

One is my girlfriend, who's been there since Day 1, and the other is a new player who is a friend of both of ours. He joined 2 sessions ago. After the 2nd session, he and my girlfriend got into an argument and he blew up at her.

Now neither of them want anything to do with the other person, but they're still in my game. I am not sure what to do. If there was a clear person in the wrong, I would just kick them out, but it's a case of both of them being wrong. The friend actually had a point with his outburst, but he was about as delicate as a bulldozer about a sensitive issue and it offended my girlfriend greatly. Any wisdom in the words was lost in the harsh tone.

The best thing to do would be if both were willing to talk it out and forgive each other, but neither wants to. So I am left at an impasse.

I could either kick out my girlfriend, kick out our friend who is new but otherwise was OK, or do nothing. Since my girlfriend was so aggravated by the friend, doing nothing basically is the same as kicking her out since she doesn't want to play with him. Meanwhile I am pretty sure he would stay in the game to play no matter how much tension there was, since he just wants to play.

Forcing them to both play doesn't seem like it would work either since the tension and hostility would just bring down the vibe of the game.

What should I do? Is there anything else?

Beat them both with a sock filled with shit until everyone collapses from laughter? :) :confused: Or not...

Tell them to both grow up and act like adults, and until they sort it out neither one is invited back.

Side with your girlfriend. If your planning on staying with this girl your going to have to learn to swallow the shit sometimes.

Quote from: HorusArisen;983201Side with your girlfriend. If your planning on staying with this girl your going to have to learn to swallow the shit sometimes.

All else being equal, this seems like the right advice to me. I wouldn't advise screwing your friend over for a girl who was no good, but nookie certainly ought to be a tie-breaker. :D

I guess I'd suggest talk to her in a day or so when she might have calmed down again, tell her you're prepared to tell the other guy to leave, see what she thinks then. If she still wants him out, then talk to your friend, apologise, and tell him he'll have to sit this one out. Maybe you can play together again in the future.

(BTW Internet fora full of RPG nerds generally not the best place to seek relationship advice) :D

Edit: Also the fact that he's new to this game also should make it easier. If one of my veteran players got in a fight with a new player I'd almost always drop the new player.

Quote from: HorusArisen;983201Side with your girlfriend. If your planning on staying with this girl your going to have to learn to swallow the shit sometimes.

I don't see any other option really if she means anything to you.

Your mate, sounds like he was being a bit of a dick by getting so aggressive (even if he had a point). Although, we are only getting a snippet, so that's what I'd do from information provided.

Quote from: mAcular Chaotic;983148There are two players in one of my games.

One is my girlfriend, who's been there since Day 1, and the other is a new player who is a friend of both of ours. He joined 2 sessions ago. After the 2nd session, he and my girlfriend got into an argument and he blew up at her.

Now neither of them want anything to do with the other person, but they're still in my game. I am not sure what to do. If there was a clear person in the wrong, I would just kick them out, but it's a case of both of them being wrong. The friend actually had a point with his outburst, but he was about as delicate as a bulldozer about a sensitive issue and it offended my girlfriend greatly. Any wisdom in the words was lost in the harsh tone.

The best thing to do would be if both were willing to talk it out and forgive each other, but neither wants to. So I am left at an impasse.

I could either kick out my girlfriend, kick out our friend who is new but otherwise was OK, or do nothing. Since my girlfriend was so aggravated by the friend, doing nothing basically is the same as kicking her out since she doesn't want to play with him. Meanwhile I am pretty sure he would stay in the game to play no matter how much tension there was, since he just wants to play.

Forcing them to both play doesn't seem like it would work either since the tension and hostility would just bring down the vibe of the game.

What should I do? Is there anything else?

One: the player who has been there since day one gets the nod over someone brand new to the game
Two: your girlfriend, assuming you want to stay with her, love her and may marry her, always gets your support
Three: You go talk to the guy, explain to him that whether he had a point or not, once you do it in the way he did it you automatically lost the argument (with any woman). Let him know that he needs to give a sincere apology to her and then we will find out if she can accept playing with you.

Other things not in evidence, what was his point, and does she have any girlfriends in the game.

Immature drama is great for wrecking friendships and gaming groups. Don't feed immature drama.

People who are reasonably mature people don't dump a friend over stuff that happens in an RPG. For myself, I don't want a long term relationship with someone who is unreasonable and immature. Such relationships are way more trouble than they are worth long term.

Part of being a good friend is a duty to help your friend to be a better person.

Classic GMs girl friend syndrome.

It's why I didn't fudge when my wife's character caught an arrow to the femoral artery in a Rolemaster game.  The other players avoided fights like the plague for about three sessions after that.

Dude offended your girlfriend...in front of you...and you're trying to be all King Solomon about it.

Quote from: ArrozConLeche;983371Dude offended your girlfriend...in front of you...and you're trying to be all King Solomon about it.

There you go.

I'm always amused when people talk tough on a forum about playing elf games.

I cannot pretend that I would necessarily do this, but this is what I'd like to think I'd say:

"As my friend, and my girlfriend, I support each of you individually. It is this continued argument that I do not support. One disagreement should not be enough to turn mature adult individuals into lifelong enemies. Certainly not this, and no I don't care who's right. Now, I am going to have to be in social circles with both of you, so if you are going to be obstinate and continue this, what you are really saying is, 'this pissing match is more important to me than how much of a burden it places upon mAcular Chaotic ['s real name].' So if you give a damn about my feelings, you will find a way to deal with a difference of opinion on one stinking thing* and get back to gaming together. You just might find that after a few shared adventures, you just don't care as much as you think you do now."

*or whatever, difference of opinion, taking something the other said as an insult, whatever the argument was about.

I can see how someone with their own issues might mistake this about being tough...however, it's all about having some common sense.  

Your girlfriend is uncomfortable around a guy who got belligerent with her over a game (I assume?). Seems pretty obvious to me that you don't put your gf in an uncomfortable situation over a damn elf game.

Side with your girlfriend. If he sticks around he will blow up on her again, I guarantee it. You want to think it was just one "Bad day" or one "Bad mood" but it always turns out to be a life-long pattern.  And guys who vent their anger on women... well, i'll just repeat that it will happen again. Repeatedly.

Sadly this advice comes from hard-earned experience.

Quote from: ArrozConLeche;983443I can see how someone with their own issues might mistake this about being tough...

Your issue is about appearing tough. Not being tough.

QuoteYour girlfriend is uncomfortable around a guy who got belligerent with her over a game (I assume?). Seems pretty obvious to me that you don't put your gf in an uncomfortable situation over a damn elf game.

Putting her in an uncomfortable situation? Over react much? He's not throwing her out of the car in a bad part of town or leaving her alone and passed out at a frat party.

She's his girlfriend. The other guy is a friend to both of them. So they are both his friends. All three of these friends are playing an elf game. If the GM's girlfriend isn't an immature drama queen and their friend isn't a total asshole the two ought to be able to resolve their disagreement over an elf game like two people who might one day grow up to be adults.

Or not.

If not, that's good to know now and should inform decisions about who he spends time with in the future. Because immature folks who have tantrums about an elf game are certain to immaturely have tantrums about other things that matter a whole lot more in life.

Quote from: Bren;983463Your issue is about appearing tough. Not being tough.

The only person talking about toughness is you.  One of your many issues is that you're projecting. The other one is that you might lack basic social awareness.

QuotePutting her in an uncomfortable situation? Over react much?

This OP exists exactly because it isn't an uncomfortable situation. :rolleyes:

Quote from: Bren;983395I'm always amused when people talk tough on a forum about playing elf games.

Tough talk is what the Internet was invented for. Aside from porn distribution.

Quote from: ArrozConLeche;983473The other one is that you might lack basic social awareness.

Your projection of your own flaws onto others just doesn't stop does it?

QuoteThis OP exists exactly because it isn't an uncomfortable situation.

Make up your mind. Is the situation uncomfortable or isn't it?

Quote from: Dumarest;983474Tough talk is what the Internet was invented for. Aside from porn distribution.

In this thread we seem to be missing the more money making of the two. I suppose we should be thankful for small favors.

Take a break and let tempers cool. It would suck for anyone to lose friendships over an elfgame.

Shit sock beatings are still an option. Just saying... :)

QuoteMake up your mind. Is the situation uncomfortable or isn't it?

The fact that you read that literally just proves my point. Next time I'll double the amount of emoticons so you don't miss the cues.

Quote from: ArrozConLeche;983493The fact that you read that literally just proves my point. Next time I'll double the amount of emoticons so you don't miss the cues.

Gamers are often uncomfortable with how to handle any level of conflict among their friends. That some geeks are uncomfortable doesn't make the discomfort reasonable. There's a reason its one of the geek fallacies. The OP may be an example of that. You certainly are an example of geek fallacies.

Quote from: Opaopajr;983484Shit sock beatings are still an option. Just saying... :)

I hear you. It's still the second best answer category in the thread.

Quote from: ArrozConLeche;983371Dude offended your girlfriend...in front of you...and you're trying to be all King Solomon about it.

Yeah, I was gonna say...

A friend who disses his friend's significant other, especially over a game, doesn't sound like much of a friend to me. (Thems just shitty manners).

Quote from: cranebump;983545Yeah, I was gonna say...

Careful with that tough guy stuff...someone  may get triggered...

Quote from: Dumarest;983547Careful with that tough guy stuff...someone  may get triggered...

Heh. Well, not so much tough guy. I just figure if I have a friend, and they're involved with someone, it might be, I dunno, just an expectation that I might treat them with respect because I want to be a good friend.  A tough guy would pick a fight, I think? I'd just ask the douche to leave.

Quote from: cranebump;983550Heh. Well, not so much tough guy. I just figure if I have a friend, and they're involved with someone, it might be, I dunno, just an expectation that I might treat them with respect because I want to be a good friend.  A tough guy would pick a fight, I think? I'd just ask the douche to leave.

Well, we're all tough on the internet, right? So the correct response is to brag about this loser who acted up in an elf dispute and how you kicked his ass until his nose bled. And then you measured each other's genitals and yours was bigger. Whether it actually happened is beside the point. ;)

Quote from: Dumarest;983553...kicked his ass until his nose bled. And then you measured each other's genitals and yours was bigger.

Well, of course, all of that is true.:-)

Yours truly,
Chuck Norris

Quote from: cranebump;983545Yeah, I was gonna say...

A friend who disses his friend's significant other, especially over a game, doesn't sound like much of a friend to me. (Thems just shitty manners).

Okay I'm not the only one.

There's no tough talk to it. If she's not one of those millennial girlfriends (or boyfriends) who's basically working the partner rounds I assume the OP is in a serious grown up relationship and this friend just went off on her in front of him.

Honestly and I apologise for the 'tough talk' but if this was me I wouldn't need to have this conversation on a forum because my former friends ass would be leaving skid marks down the road after I ejected him from my house.

This isn't about being macho this is about loyalty and you can have a conversation with Mrs Gamer after the fact but in public no one gets to bad mouth or have a go at your partner in front of you without consequence, particularly a 'friend'.

However like I said if they're relationship is basically casual then choose your friend over sex (if he's in the right).

*Of course all of the above is my wife's opinion only :p (hands back jar with balls in).

Quote from: HorusArisen;983201Side with your girlfriend. If your planning on staying with this girl your going to have to learn to swallow the shit sometimes.

That's what will probably happen, I would guess.

However, both blowing up happens occasionally. If everyone is fine afterwards then no harm done. However, if one or both of them bears a grudge and carries on simmering or sniping afterwards, then just tell both of them to snap out of it and start playing the game.

If they persist, then say that both of them were in the wrong, over that point, and tell them to grow up.

If you want to apologise to your girlfriend afterwards and say that you had to say that for fairness, then so be it.

Kill them both and take their stuff.

Quote from: ArrozConLeche;983371Dude offended your girlfriend...in front of you...and you're trying to be all King Solomon about it.

This. Especially considering these bits:

Quote from: mAcular Chaotic;983148... he blew up at her ... outburst ... about as delicate as a bulldozer about a sensitive issue ... harsh tone.

Given these circumstances, I'd side her her, no question.

Just keep hitting the undo button until you're at the point before you pressed the fuckup button.

In my experience:
Very young guys: "I can do whatever I like"
Young guys: "We are independent, I do what I want and she does what she wants, we don't tie each other down"
Guys: "We have a reasoned discussion about what to do, sometimes I get my way and sometimes she does"
Older guys: "Yes, dear"

Well, in the end, I asked the mutual friend to drop. It's not like I can't see him in other venues.

The right move I think.

Quote from: mAcular Chaotic;984263Well, in the end, I asked the mutual friend to drop. It's not like I can't see him in other venues.

"Yes Dear" always wins in the end. ;)

Quote from: soltakss;983634In my experience:
Very young guys: "I can do whatever I like"
Young guys: "We are independent, I do what I want and she does what she wants, we don't tie each other down"
Guys: "We have a reasoned discussion about what to do, sometimes I get my way and sometimes she does"
Older guys: "Yes, dear"

Yeah, see the thing about 1-3 up there is that guys & below are living in Delusioneria.:-)

Do you want to keep this girlfriend?

If so, nuke anyone who peeves your girlfriend.

If you don't care if she stays with you or not, then tell them both to be adults.

That should send her (and/or him) fleeing.

Also, free dating advice: never have a relationship with someone who isn't worth instantly defending on the spot.

So why is this even your problem? Did either of them come to you and demand you choose? Did you even *ask* your GF if you should kick the friend? You're just running a game, not managing a #Kindergarten.

Quote from: Just Another Snake Cult;983455And guys who vent their anger on women... well, i'll just repeat that it will happen again. Repeatedly.

As opposed to guys who vent their anger at guys?

Sorry, I don't buy the double standard when it comes to tabletop games, especially with so many women in the hobby now demanding equal treatment.

On the other hand guys who vent their anger do tend to repeat such behavior.

Quote from: Shawn Driscoll;983619Just keep hitting the undo button until you're at the point before you pressed the fuckup button.

He can't. The Windows 10 Reality Update erased the #Undo history!

Quote from: Anon Adderlan;985536So why is this even your problem? Did either of them come to you and demand you choose? Did you even *ask* your GF if you should kick the friend?

Sorry, I don't buy the double standard when it comes to tabletop games, especially with so many women in the hobby now demanding equal treatment.

A situation featuring your significant other and a friend isn't an equal situation though. If it is, then one wonders how significant the other is.

Well I think it's a good thing you picked your girlfriend over some random dude.

I also prioritize \#Justice over \#Loyalty.

Quote from: cranebump;985827A situation featuring your significant other and a friend isn't an equal situation though. If it is, then one wonders how significant the other is.

Indeed, if I couldn't ask how they'd like the situation resolved, or they wouldn't answer if I did, I'd wonder as well. Intimate relationships fall apart over exactly those kinds of communications issues. And I continually encounter far more long term friendships than romantic engagements. The phrase "Bros before hoes" may be crass, but there is some truth to it, which is just as applicable when the genders are flipped.

Quote from: Anon Adderlan;985536So why is this even your problem? Did either of them come to you and demand you choose? Did you even *ask* your GF if you should kick the friend? You're just running a game, not managing a #Kindergarten.

They were both in the same game. Girlfriend didn't want to be around him anymore; he was fine with staying in the game and having her leave over it. So without a resolution, I had to decide how to handle it for the game and the relationship.

Ultimately the other issues sorted themselves out too.

Quote from: Anon Adderlan;986094...And I continually encounter far more long term friendships than romantic engagements. The phrase "Bros before hoes" may be crass, but there is some truth to it, which is just as applicable when the genders are flipped.

Different strokes and all but I can tell you not too many bros are are hanging out in rest homes together.

Quote from: Anon Adderlan;986094I also prioritize \#Justice over \#Loyalty.



Indeed, if I couldn't ask how they'd like the situation resolved, or they wouldn't answer if I did, I'd wonder as well. Intimate relationships fall apart over exactly those kinds of communications issues. And I continually encounter far more long term friendships than romantic engagements. The phrase "Bros before hoes" may be crass, but there is some truth to it, which is just as applicable when the genders are flipped.

There's some truth to that, for sure. Hopefully, though, when one does settle down, your partner is also your best friend. You can love somebody, but you gotta like 'em too, y'know? That's the one thing I couldn't say in totality about previous relationships, or my first marriage. My wife gets the benefit of the doubt from me because of those things, plus the respect I have for her for more reasons than I can count. That said, if this is an early stage relationship, such things may not be as clear. I DO think that a real friend doesn't make an issue at the table, though. Hell, nobody should. It's discourteous. This is just a game. Save the bad manners for therpgsite.:-)

Quote from: mAcular Chaotic;986102he was fine with staying in the game and having her leave over it.

that... actually sounds pretty horrible, and really makes me curious about what the disagreement was about. I mean I've voluntarily left groups when I found I was the source of stress despite knowing I had done nothing wrong.

Quote from: mAcular Chaotic;986102Ultimately the other issues sorted themselves out too.

That's great to hear.

Quote from: Voros;986113Different strokes and all but I can tell you not too many bros are are hanging out in rest homes together.

Have you been to a rest home recently? You might be stunned at the relationships which end up lasting, and the ones which don't.

I constantly am.

Quote from: cranebump;986274Hopefully, though, when one does settle down, your partner is also your best friend.

From the sounds of it one can only hope to find a partner like you have :)

Quote from: Anon Adderlan;986286...


Have you been to a rest home recently? You might be stunned at the relationships which end up lasting, and the ones which don't.

I did work with elderly people for about a year a couple of years ago. Checking in and talking to those who were living by themselves.