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Building a world from Studies

Started by Spike, November 29, 2006, 01:59:22 AM

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Spike

Quote from: James J Skach37...38...


To help you out, this is sort of Designers Notes again, rather than trying to bulk up my page count. :p

Human kingdoms in the Mythic age, looking back on what I've written, almost universally came to bad ends. Many of them lasted for centuries, however, if not longer.  Tibor was a major player for a long time, for example.

The Elves, who are our standard for comparison, with their apparently contiguous governement in the central kingdom, and their long lives often viewed humans as horribly self destructive or even cursed.  Certainly they were reckless.

The Elves are somewhat cautious naturally, and while their kingdoms might persevere, they were no less subject to drastic changes than any other race. It's perception more than fact. Humans persevere, their kingdoms rise and fall. Elves persevere and their kingdoms remain, though over time change radically.  Never forget that Tuatha was destroyed twice, bookending the Mythic Age.
For you the day you found a minor error in a Post by Spike and forced him to admit it, it was the greatest day of your internet life.  For me it was... Tuesday.

For the curious: Apparently, in person, I sound exactly like the Youtube Character The Nostalgia Critic.   I have no words.

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Spike

The End of the Mythic Age was unmistakeable. Those few who lived through it through to the modern day could tell you exactly what they were doing when it ended.

Not when they heard about it, for no one announced the start, much less the end of the era, but what they were physically doing. It must be understood that even the doughty dwarves, as unmagical as they often seem, were heavy, almost instinctive magic users.  Nearly every species had developed some form of sorcery unique to their race, magic was in the very air they breathed. A million wonders were lost in an instant, when the magic they came to depend upon ceased.  Gods died, their bodies falling to the earth.

Thus Irem fell, and with her the world.

All was not lost, however. The First Gods and the Gods of the World that had surivived worked desperately to repair the breach in the great Barrier, to contain the Chaos Sea that had formed, using the very structure of Haven itself to contain the spill.

Tuatha was lost, Her armies had marched on Irem, and were destroyed in the cataclysm. Her spires and gossamer bridges fell in the banality that followed. Goblins haunt the remains of Danu to this day.

Only the Goblins found a reprieve from their curse in the disaster. For a time, only for a time.  Slowly, as magic returned over the decades that followed, their ancient curse arose once more.

Each of the races stuggled, for the thousand tiny ways they had once performed magic as easily as breathing were not lost to them, and many of the techniques and tricks they had relied upon to perform simple daily tasks was no more.

The dwarves, who had trusted in their engineering, recovered first, and prospered most during the Banality.  Dwarven trade caravans became common, often welcome sights during this 'Dark Age'.  While all feared new Goblin hordes and Daeylyreathi mauraders, neither occured. The Goblins were quiesent due to the relief from their curse, the Daeylyreath were trapped in the Demon Realms, unable to cross over, and just as bereft of magic as every other species.

Magic returned slowly, in dribbles and drabs, starting decades after the disaster. Even millenia later it has never reached it commonality or ease of use.  The Dark Ages saw the fall of all the Elven kingdoms, though not the end of the race, it saw the decline into semi-savagery of Humans.

While the Orcs did not prosper, their crude villages of stone survived untouched, and a dozen or more orcish villages formed a loose coalition of sorts, the beginnings of a new Orcish Kingdom.

With the return of magic, the Dark ages ended, and so too this post.
For you the day you found a minor error in a Post by Spike and forced him to admit it, it was the greatest day of your internet life.  For me it was... Tuesday.

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Spike

I apologize for the short post last night. I was feeling poorly, it must have been someone I ate...

The mythic age was populated entirely by vast city-states with assosiated villages and nomadic tribes. That is, Tuatha, for all her glory, had exactly one city, though she dominated a huge area of land and many smaller burgs and even smaller cities who were tribute payers, though not actually Tuathans.

The Titans had a multi-city Empire, though they didn't think if it in such terms, as any given Titan could teleport freely between them, and all were built and populated by the Titans themselves.

The Orcish coalition of burgs in the Dark Ages was the first, arguably, modern 'kingdom' of multiple cities. Though none of the burgs and villages approached metropolitan sizes, and there was no single center of government, it was unique in that several independent powers became one single political entity.   By the End of the Dark Age, the Orcish state had a single military, a single council of elders, one from each 'city', and a unified body of law and cultural tradition.   While this lasted for generations, the council traveling from town to town on a circuit once a year, the advent of magic, and the renewed capacity for long distance communications meant that the traveling council could settle down, it was arguments over which town to become the capital that caused a rift between the long alliance, and as council members set themselves up as kings of their own smaller kingdoms, disputes over succession eventually ended even that.

The first true Kingdom that arose was mighty Urtesh. The mythical founder of Urtesh, Bovard, was annointed by the Gods after solving the Chimeric Puzzle and slaying the Beast of Maidens Tears. At first Urtesh was merely a largish fortified town, much as any other, but over the first three decades of his reigh, Urtesh subdued the 9 great kings of the West, and uniquely, made their cities a part of Urtesh, and the kings his princes and governors.  Bovard ruled for 70 years of peace, long enough that upon his death his kingdom passed to his heir, a great nephew, peacefully. Bovard's dynasty lasted for seven generations, Urtesh persisted longer, finally falling to the Tenebrian Horde, who ruled as the Tenebrian Dynasts over many of the same cities.  

The Tenebrians of course, ruled a vast empire, conquering weak and stagnent kingdoms, vulnerable city states. The Tenebrians were humans, though many hybrids filled their ranks, granting them great strength. (Hybrids refers to, naturally enough, halfbreeds, half orc and elf predominantly, though any mixed race species falls into this catagory). It was the practice of hiring orcish and dwarvish mercenaries that ended the Tenebrians, as their own military might became dependent upon outsiders their ability to hold their conquests from newer, hungrier foes slipped away. The Tenebrians might have conqured the entire world during their heyday had they left the Elves to their forests. Danu was gone, the Armies of the Tuatha had dissappeared with Irem, but the arts of war had not been lost, and many retired soldiers of the Tuatha had found refuge in the lands of the Siti.  The Elves inflicted such devestating defeats upon the Hordes of the Tenebras that they lost all taste for battle.  

As it was, Tenebria was the largest, most powerful empire in the world for a long time, and even today persists as an exotic distant back water in the far west. Many kingdoms claim to be the seat of Urtesh, though none may say with certainty.

The seat of culture shifted slowly to the SouthEast, the rising kingdom of Nornsa. Nornsa was a naval power, a trade powerhouse, and her conquests were largely economic in nature.  The economy of Haven remains one of the Gold Standard, but the sacred Order of the Coin in Nornsa developed arcane arts that allowed them to make even the worst deal profit their kingdom through secret arts.  Many have tried to steal those secrets for themselves, and while the Order of the Coin spares no expense in protecting their holy writs, what has leaked has proven indecipherable to even the most puissant mage or sage.  The Nornsa found Orcs to be uncouth bandits, and their attitudes have shapped human opinion in much of the civilized world ever since.  

The rise of the Warlord of Melitior proved a defining moment, perhaps the signifier of a passing of ages. The Warlord of Melitior is a well known figure to myth and history,a  boogyman to scare small children with. His race and origin are not recorded in history, only that he commanded a terrible army of feinds, demons, Daeylyreath, goblins and more. Where his army walked the earth blackened and charred, the sky filled with ash. Whole cities were put to the sword for the crime of merely existing.  Sadly, such tales are not exaggeration, for the Warlord was the avatar of War, and his army included such fearsome beasts that we have no names for them, unique manifestations of Chaos that had slipped into Haven and fallen to his cause.

The Warlord was stopped, though never slain, by a shining host of Elves and dwarves and humans, the Nornsa predominant. The absence of Orcs has been held up as an example of their evil natures ever since, though unwarrented, as the Nornsa and Elves never invited them, leaving those orcs who opposed to the Warlord to fight and die alone.

Following the defeat of the Warlord, the Races of the Light, as they had taken to calling themselves, built a great city on the site of his defeat, entombing him in a vast sepulchur at its heart, where their combined magics could keep his power at bay for all eternity.  Three races sharing a city in peace was unprecedented, and the city of Ysithyderi marked the beginning of 'surface dwarves'. Eventually Ysithyderi grew to become a kingdom in her own right, a center of learning, magic and trade. It was their attempts to understand, and subdue the Draconic menace that lead to her destruction three hundred years ago in a night of fire.  While this put an end to attempts by any kingdom to control Dragons, it did create the popular myth of dragons as evil beasts only worthy of death, and the rise in popularity for 'dragon slayers', though such individuals are so rare as to be non-existant.  

The lingering affect of Ysithideri is the lasting peace between Elves and Men and Dwarves.  While relations between them has cooled somewhat in the intervening centuries, many Elves recall fighting alongside humans against the Warlord, just as they recall the Night of Dragon's Breath, and the peace that lead up to it.

A notable 'kingdom' is Hwarzia, in the mountians just north of the Center heartland.  Hwarzia is populated by humans and orcs who overthrew their herditary monarchs just after the Warlord era, but have never appointed any of their own as a leader.  The Hwarzis have since fought off attempts at conquest and subjugation a dozen times, retreating into the mountains, leaving their towns and villages behind, their crops burned or taken with depending upon the season.   Most hereditary nobles consider the Hwarzis to be strange and violent, while peasants and merchants consider them pleasant but a bit odd.

To discuss in more detail the kingdoms of Haven, which term, it should be noted is not common at all among her inhabitants (unless they are Gods), would require a map.

And should we even discuss the presence of Paravail?




EDIT::: The Tenebrians are to the EAST and south, while the Norsa are to the West, only slightly south of Center. My apologies to James if he still reads this.
For you the day you found a minor error in a Post by Spike and forced him to admit it, it was the greatest day of your internet life.  For me it was... Tuesday.

For the curious: Apparently, in person, I sound exactly like the Youtube Character The Nostalgia Critic.   I have no words.

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James J Skach

s'cool.  I was just letting you know the total, as you go. I understand that you don't see this as some sort to publish-able effort in its current form.  I haven't read all of it (as I mentioned).

I just hope it's not copyrighted material ;)
The rules are my slave, not my master. - Old Geezer

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Spike

Quote from: James J Skachs'cool.  I was just letting you know the total, as you go. I understand that you don't see this as some sort to publish-able effort in its current form.  I haven't read all of it (as I mentioned).

I just hope it's not copyrighted material ;)


No such thing to me, James.  Maybe its because I'm a lazy git, but if someone were to take all this and steal it for a published product... I'd probably shrug and turn to the next unrelated project.  This doesn't cost me anything to do.

Posting will be inconsistent at best, absent entirely at worst for the next two weeks.


EDIT:::: Cancel that, posting should continue as normal.
For you the day you found a minor error in a Post by Spike and forced him to admit it, it was the greatest day of your internet life.  For me it was... Tuesday.

For the curious: Apparently, in person, I sound exactly like the Youtube Character The Nostalgia Critic.   I have no words.

[URL=https:

Spike

To the south of Center, and the Elves of the Hydiminoi Forest, along the River Erd, and surrounded on two sides by the Sea of Gattipol lies the trade city of Paravail.  Paravail was founded by a mix of Orc and Human tribes during the Dark Age, though today her population is far more cosmopolitan.  Paravail has grown as a trade power throughout the centuries, all but untouched by the violence and war that has torn the land.   Some say Paravail survived the Warlord's march by trading with his armies, though the Paravailo deny this utterly.  Their Caste Army has rebuffed conquerers of all stripes since the cities founding, and the free companies, the Order of the Wall and The Order of the Chains have proven formidable foes as well.

The Kingdom of Nornsa, or now the nations of Nornsa control much of the land bordering Paravail, and the high status of Orcs in Paravail has caused more than a few wars, but Paravail's trade might and mighty defenses have proven nigh unbreachable.

[ Note: A link to the Paravail Wiki, anyone?]

All this despite the fact that by most standards, Paravail is ungoverned completely.

The River Erd flows leisurely from the far distant North, crossing a great many lands, and having different names along its route.  The people of Hesh, surrounded by desert, worship the River, sacrificing a child in the first flower of youth to the River each year to ensure the floods. Typically the sacrifice is of noble birth and is feted for the entire year before, or even their entire life if they were born 'marked'.  It is said that the crocadiles, large enough to be considered gods themselves, are viewed as the servants of the River, which is said to encircle the World. The Sun and Moon had fought a terrible battle, and chase each other in mighty war barges around the World on her length, though the cults of each dispute who is the one running, and who follows.  When the nights grow long, however, festivels are held across the river all night to slow the Moon, when the days are long, the festivals are held during the day to slow the Sun. If either escapes or catches the other, surely the end of the world will result.  

The Hesha are viewed by most of their neighbors as primative, though their masteries of magic is unprecedented in the region.  Their bronze weapons and unarmored soldiers should be no match for iron and steel, but the power their sorcerers draw from the river, from the network of power channeling temples and pyramids, their alchemists, and the 'tamed' crocadiles they bring to war all make for a fearsome army. Never mind their long standing alliance with the tribes of desert lizardfolk, or the long standing tales of dragons alighting on their Pyramids, watching over the Hesha below.   Hesh produces the finest cotton and linen cloth in the world, and her flooded feilds produce more grain each harvest than the Hesh can eat, though they must import animals for slaughter and timber for building.
For you the day you found a minor error in a Post by Spike and forced him to admit it, it was the greatest day of your internet life.  For me it was... Tuesday.

For the curious: Apparently, in person, I sound exactly like the Youtube Character The Nostalgia Critic.   I have no words.

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Spike

Of note, when discussing Haven is that geographic poles, and proximity to them, means little when discussing the weather.  The distant north is no more cold than the distant west.  While there is a vague sense that the northlands are colder, it is possible to go past those fabled lands and find that it is not as cold as you thought.  Likewise, one living in the center might suspect that the south is all steamy Jungles and hot lands, yet find a pleasantly chilly temperate nation instead.

There are zones, or proximate similarity. That is, you will very rarely find a jungle next to a tundra. If an area is very cold, the coldest area will likely be the very center of it, not the most distant portion. If an area is a murky jungle, the hotest, murkiest point is likely to be the center of it.  Geography plays a role in it as surely as it does in more 'natural' worlds, however. If an area is hot and dry, a desert, but borders a sea or massive river, then you will find jungle.  High, mountainous terrain is cooler than lowlands, and so it goes.  Natural scientists ponder why the area's closest to the sun are coldest, while areas most 'sunny' tend to be the hottest, they argue that a war between Sun and Sky is responsible, and areas that are hot have less sky between them and the sun...


To the distant north, on the very border of creation, is the Ice Queen, called so not because her land is ice bound (while cool, it is not), but for reasons left to matters  of taste.  Her keep lies on the last outcropping of rock above the churning endless sea of Chaos. Since time immemorial she has lived there, and heroes have gone to slay her.

Instead she marries them, sending her husbands out into the Chaos to push it back and so doing expand the world and what is in it.  Few live long, but rather than be dissolved into the churning Chaos, they slowly turn to immobile stone, indestructable and capable of stilling even Chaos Eternal all around them. The statues of her past heroes litter her castle, others are arrayed along the Sea as a wall of guardians preserving this end of the world.

The inside of her Keep is Larger. Larger than the outside, Larger than the inside. The curious interplay of her nearness to Chaos, her madness from gazing upon it for so very long, and the nature of her lost Husbands means that reality overlaps upon itself endlessly within. Chaos creates new realities, trapped and fixed by her Husbands' presence. In the very center, which is also the peak of the highest tower she waits for the bold and daring, like a spider.

Those few sages who know of her existance think of her as a lost God, or perhaps some forgotten Titan.  The truth is more prosaic. She is a Daeylyreath renegade, a student of Irem before her Fall, and she has become a Godess, watching over Reality in a rocky wasteland.  Become her Champion, and if you can escape her spells, you can become a God. It is said that the Warlord was once one of hers, though this is falsehood.


Should we talk of Spada?  A city-state within the borders of once great Tenebria, who was never conqured. Shall we talk of how there are no women among the Spadan, of how each man looks like his neighbor, their fearsome silence on the battlefeild, their slaves, their Helots of all they have subjugated?  The Spadan are among the most fearsome armies in the world, though as individuals they are unremarkable warriors at best. The Spadan are fearless and undeniable.  Even the dwarves remark upon the stamina and determination of a Spada Warrior.  

Shall we tell of the wastes that remain of Irem? Of the cities of brass and stone that peak from black sands, the shattered rocky ground where only twisted life, unlike anywhere else in teh world, can thrive?  Of the artefacts that are rumored to exist within those long lost cities?  What of the silent guardians of the Sea of Chaos, robed, silent watchers on the Rim of Madness who would slay those who would seek the power of that Sea, or the secrets that are said to lie within?



EDIT::: change Ice Queen to Queen of the North or something. Ice Queen just sucks.
For you the day you found a minor error in a Post by Spike and forced him to admit it, it was the greatest day of your internet life.  For me it was... Tuesday.

For the curious: Apparently, in person, I sound exactly like the Youtube Character The Nostalgia Critic.   I have no words.

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Spike

The Geography of Haven is slightly unstable. Due to the constant influx of controlled Chaos, and the everpresent pressure of the uncontrolled Chaos outside it, Haven's stability is suspect.  However, change is not common nor often drastic, and is significantly reduced by the presence of significant populations.

It has been noted that the occupants of Haven do not typically call it that. While each language and culture has its own terms, ranging from the prosaic to the absurdly baroque, it is conveinent for our purposes to call it as the First Gods do... though such beings do not use langauge as we understand it.

Some of the terms used by inhabitants:

The Dwarves refer to Der Gert, or Soil and Rock.  The Elves of Hylimithiea, typically similar to other elvish tribes, refer to Ymiintaleathoi, or The Busom of Comfort, the Womb of Life.  To date no Orcish term covering more than 'our Land' has come to light, suggesting an interesting difference of pychology. Our land and Their land being the extent of their terms for the world at large.

Humans, particlularly the Nornsa cultures and Paravail, simply call it 'the world', while the Tenebria refer to Uisuia, the term for their fertility goddess.

There are mulitple continents on Haven, though largely close together, along with several larger landmasses, Islands or microcontinents if you will.  To the north the land continues all the way to Chaos, while elsewhere the sea flows directly to the ends of the world, with occasional bisected landmasses, often small dotting the area.  Notable is the island of Erbeth, which while unmapped and largely considered legendary, possesses a great cliff, miles above the churning Chaos, with endless waterfalls flowing over them. Why the Chaos is so far 'down' in relation to Erebeth is a metaphysical mystery largely unpondered by the Sages, due to the perception many have of it's 'fairy tale' status.

The ground of Haven is riddled with deep caverns and passages, occupied by life unlike that of the surface. This is the home of the Goblins, and they reign supreme in it.  Many of these cavern networks run so deep that they pass under the seas and oceans of Haven, though if one runs deep enough you encounter the Demonic Realms.

The Demonic Realms are accessable via two routes; go deep enough into the earth and find the sealed Doors, or rise high enough into the sky and find the Door's up there. The actual location of the realms is on the underside of Haven, a sort of mirror image, or rather a negative. Where the greatest mountains rise, in the Demonic realms lie great chasms.  Here rivers of blood and fire flow, storms of ash and screams sweep the landscape.    It is said it was not always thus, that the Gods made the Realms the equal to the surface, but the rapine ways of Demons made it so.  The truth is more complicated, but a matter for another day.   Even the demons could not make the sun black as night, the sky the sickly yellow of an old bruise.

The Underworld, however, is a seperate entity all together, the realm of the dead. Unlike the Demonic Realms, it has no 'location'.  The sages suggest that the realm of the dead exists at right angles to the realm of the living, though such terms confuse the less learned.  It is said that climbing the Cliffs of Erebeth can bring a mortal to the Underworld while alive, and that setting a funeral boat adrift on the river Erd leads to the Underworld as well, though no living eyes can see it.  There is a cave in the Mountain of Omai that contains a dark shaft which is endless, her bottom in the Underworld...

What the living do not know is that all these locations, and others, only lead ot the ENTRANCE to the underworld. Each soul must then travel the paths of the dead, a series of tests, some known some unknown, before finding their rest in the halls of the dead. Fail and one is consigned to an eternity or three of servitude to the Dead, or even utter destruction, while exceptional performances are rewarded.  In times of need, exceptional souls may return to the living, through means best left undiscussed, though they remain quite dead.  There is a difference, though subtle, between the living undead who have returned with the blessings of the Gods and the true undead, who are soulless abominations.
For you the day you found a minor error in a Post by Spike and forced him to admit it, it was the greatest day of your internet life.  For me it was... Tuesday.

For the curious: Apparently, in person, I sound exactly like the Youtube Character The Nostalgia Critic.   I have no words.

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Spike

When discussing the History of Haven it is very important to note that most of it is utterly unknown to the inhabitants.  The Titans left no written records, and very little in the way of ruins, but more than a few artefacts, many of which are broken down and 'glitchy', and that is but one example.  The Tuatha are largely mythic, and viewed with sort of a rosy lens by the average citizen of the modern era, even a few elves who are old enough to remember Tuatha at it's height suffer from nostalgic and inaccurate ideas about the more prosaic reality.  What must be recalled is that Danu, the capital and seat of Tuatha was on the southern Continent, far removed from the Center, where most civilizations lie.

Not even the Elves, nor the Titans before them, know what Demons are, or the difference between the First Gods and the Gods of the World. They have an idea about Chaos, what it is, what it represents, but think of the world as seperate from it, rather than a part of it made solid.

Of all the First Gods, very very few are accessable at all to modern peoples, and possessed of any worship. The Smith is, and manifests through avatars in the form of Gods of the World as a means of continuing to work on his Great Engine.  Another is Death, who while technically not a God at all, has physically manifested to stalk the battlefeilds and sick rooms of the world when the whim takes him. War is also accessable, while something other than God or demon, and manifests both as Gods of the world, and through mortal agents.

The Gods of the world, for the most part are former mortals, who in ages past were raised up to maintain the Great Engine, some are distilled essences of First Gods, or even Demons. It is these Gods who recieve worship, who in fact sustain themselves on worship, and use their faithful to maintain the integrity of Haven, when they aren't using them to fight holy wars against their kin for more selfish wants.

While all magic is essentially nothing more than tapping raw chaos and shaping it according to will, there are very real divisions in how it is performed.  Most mages, moreso now than ever before in history, use some form of filter to channel the Chaos. Sometimes that filter is a God, other times it is a staff or talisman, other times whole societies have built arcane devices that processed Chaos directly for the mage, who's magic was nothing more than tapping that engine.  

In the case of personal filters, staves and so forth, the warping influence of Chaos exerts itself slowly on the stucture of the object. The longer a mage uses such a device, the more twisted and unnatural it tends to look.  To protect themselves, and to reduce the warping effect, powerful enchantments are woven into the structure of such devices to protect them and refine the Chaos still further, making each a miniture Arcane Engine in its own right.  Gods, of course, are immune to this warping, and feed their followers clean power.

Tapping chaos directly is rare, and in the modern era all but unknown, and feared when it is.  The processes are varied, but the results: Irem, the Titans, the Daeylyreath... Elder magic is feared as inherently evil and corrupting. It is not subtle, not usually, but it is powerful beyond conventional measure.    Among the primative tribes of the Lizardfolk and some of the older, more fearsome dragons, a variation of Elder Magic is preferred. The lizardfolk because they do not know another way, the dragons because they fear nothing and respect power.
For you the day you found a minor error in a Post by Spike and forced him to admit it, it was the greatest day of your internet life.  For me it was... Tuesday.

For the curious: Apparently, in person, I sound exactly like the Youtube Character The Nostalgia Critic.   I have no words.

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Spike

This is a back dating of information regarding mapping. The proclivities of the Elves and dwarves has been much discussed in regards to mapping, yet the tendencies of other races has not.

Humans cleverly came up with a sort of compass. While it could be said to always point to the nearest source of Chaos... that is the very edge of the world, in all practical matters, that is usage and conversation, it is said to point towards Center. Center, therefore is North.  All maps point towards center, as the dwarves do with a twist. Humans figured out early on in their cartographic systems that their compassess changed directions as they moved laterally past center, or even circumnavigated it. As this meant that Center was not North, per se, they compromised and drew their maps around it. Previously, only the Titans had ever understood that the southern heartland of the northern continent was the 'center of the world', knowledge that the elves did not retain.  The Savants of Irem might have grasped it at the very end, but no record remains that suggests they ever communicated it.  Human maps point towards center, but their larger, world maps acknowledge that it is not a peak.  This trended towards maps that had a fixed axis, chosen at random, with an arrow indicating direction towards center, and a seperate arrow for 'north'.  The Lesser Sea of Chaos, in the wastes is a little understood influence on mapping, as it tends to warp the compass headings as if it were the end of the world in that spot...

Orcs and Halflings map things based purely on local geography. Each map features a prominant geographical feature, often exaggerated, that the map should be aligned with to read.  Goblin maps, on the other hand, are hopelessly crude, rendered without even a nod to the cartographer's arts.

Dragons do not need maps, as their superior eye, aerial perspective and prodigious memories make such things superflous.

It should be noted that halflings and lizardfolk are far more common on the southern continent, though the nomadic halfling subcultures have propagated the species to the north, while the Lizardmen remain virtually unknown outside their jungles or on their once colony 'island' of Lu, ironically all but unknown despite its proximity to the more populous north.  Lu is considered sacred ground to the humans on the nearby coast. That coast is extremely rugged and treacherous, and the people who populate it are feared reavers of the seas, confident in the securities of the homes.  In fact, the term reavers entered the languages of other human nations based on their name for themselves: the Reve.  Note that the Reve are unaware of the slowly advancing lizardman population on nearby Lu, no explorer or settler has ever returned.  Very rarely one might land on Lu for repairs, even gather exotic fruits from the trees near the beach, but to enter the jungle, to leave the sight of water or to linger overlong is to offend the gods of the place.
For you the day you found a minor error in a Post by Spike and forced him to admit it, it was the greatest day of your internet life.  For me it was... Tuesday.

For the curious: Apparently, in person, I sound exactly like the Youtube Character The Nostalgia Critic.   I have no words.

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Spike

The Lizardfolk, the Ssarsalsh in their native tongue, are an interesting facet of Haven.
 

The Reptile God is remote and poorly understood by even other gods. It is belived by those who study such things that the unnamed deity is a First God, one of those who created Haven and all that is within. Others believe he is more properly termed a Demon, an outsider from after the world's creation who avoided the First War and coexists among the gods, while not truly a part of them.   This later is correct, in that the Reptile came after the creation of Haven, but before the Demons, and made his place in Haven unbeknowst to the First.  When the Smith created the Great Engine, Reptile mimicked him, making a second Engine, for Haven is Reptile's home as much as any other Gods.  

But Reptile has not raised any of his children to Godhood, does not receive worship from his people, and so remains unknown to them.

That is not to say that there are no Gods of the World among the lizardfolk, for the very nature of the Great Engine is such that a few exceptional mortal heroes have taken their Apotheosis directly from Creation.  However, they are not prone to accepting worship either, though they often do receive some small tithe from their tribe in due course.  As all Gods, they work to sustain creation and enforce the treaty with Demonkind, though never alongside the Gods of other races.  This aloofness has resulted in mixed results for the lizardfolk, for when Irem fell, only they had magic, yet when the Titans destroyed the culture they had built, their Gods could not save them, nor help them rebuild.

The heart of the Lizardfolk Empire was the southern tip of the southern Continent, though they had spread from there. During the war many fled for far away lands, escaping the gaze of the Titans by traveling in cunning ships of wood that floated mostly under the waves.  While these refugees would wind up crossing the entire world almost, eventually settling on Lu, they could not bring with them all the greatness of home, nor could they fully escape the Bargin made by the greatest of their Shaman Kings with the Titans, a Curse that reduced them to near savages for a time. The intercesion of their Gods, particularly the Refugees of Lu was enough to mitigate the Bargin, but not break it.

In the south, the orginal home of the Lizardfolk stands still, virtually undisturbed by the Great Barrier Mountains erected by the Titans to 'lock' the lizardmen in their primative jungle.   Known as the Jungle of Hasih by the Tuatha, and from thence all others, it is a largely mysterious place, though rare outposts of human and dwarven traders can be found on the southernmost shore.  The Barrier Mountains are nearly impassable, though the Dwarves know secret routes through the heart of the mountain range, and claim that fabulous, unknown wealth can be gleaned from them, though no permanent settlements of any size exist.  What was the heart of that ancient kingdom lies north of the mountains, where there is now the Dragon Desert, named for it's origin, and the great lizards who frolic in the hot sands.  Halflings trek through the desert unmolested, but never stay. To the west of the desert lies another sweltering jungle, the Jungles of Amal, where other Lizardfolk live, cut off from their kin to the south and east.  The cultures are different, but not so much to outsiders. The Amal folk are better known, and have established a working relationship with many of the other races, though the Orcs are the only race of note to live along side them, sharing village space, one race active during the sweltering day, the other during the muggy nights.  The Orcs took refuge during the days of the Goblin Wars, as the Lizardfolk found the goblins to be quite tasty.  Even the lure of lizard eggs could not lure the Goblins across the Dragon Desert and into the jungle, and they have a superstitious fear of Amal to this day.

Lu, however, far to the north is the seat of Lizard Culture. They raise mighty stone temples deep in the heart of Lu, which is more a tropical diciduous forest, rather than jungle, and they patrol their shores feircely, still afraid that the Titans will find them and destroy them from the air.   The Lizards of Lu have befreinded two ancient wyrms, though such allies have only made them more cautious than before.  The captives of the Lu are sacrificed and eaten, and from time to time they make their way by stealth to the southern continent to strike raze tenebrian villages, taking care to be seen as Reavers, leaving no evidence behind.  This has only added to the fearsome legends of the Reavers, and the adoption of draconic symbols by the Reve raiders only confuses the issue more.

The Lizards of Lu have developed into two distinct races, a hulking monsterous breed of warriors, and a slender, almost petite race of intellectuals, shaman and wisemen.  Each race breeds true, and crossbreeding, while rare, results in sterile, but powerful mules who combine the best features of each. The fearsome Mules are said to be destined for great things and often lead their Lizardfolk kin.  As part of their deal with their draconic allies, when a Lizardfolk grows infirm with age or crippling injury, he offers himself to the Dragons as sacrifice.
For you the day you found a minor error in a Post by Spike and forced him to admit it, it was the greatest day of your internet life.  For me it was... Tuesday.

For the curious: Apparently, in person, I sound exactly like the Youtube Character The Nostalgia Critic.   I have no words.

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Spike

Current culture(s).

The Elves of Danu, the Tuatha, are little more than cultured savages. Danu was destroyed twice and they have suffered for it, their pride shattered, the flower of their civilization lost in an instant. Those who survived the Banality did so by ruthlessness and personal power, sometimes gained at the cost of others.  While Magic was missing, a handful of ancient artefacts retained enough residual power to make the wielder formidable, if not world shaking.
   

The Tuatha scattered across the rolling plains, far from the somber wreckage of Danu.  Many settled into a nomadic lifestyle, still hunting and gathering as they had since the Titans.  While the return of magic has not been missed, they have long since given up on shining cities. They are not 'simple primitives', but sophisticates who have taken hard lessons to light, and chosen to live simpler lives.  

More interesting are the 'Fortress' elves, who have set up personal fiefs all over the south. Generally small, not even village sized, they rule over populations of serfs of other races with ruthless hands, and since the return of magic have dedicated their efforts at making their power secure against such future disasters.  These Fortress Elves engage in limited trade with outsiders, but have not missed the changes to the world in the last thousand years.  Many such fortress elves are solitary sorts, a single isolated king on the hill, served by mewling slaves and practicing dark magics, while others are more... normal.

Both groups view the ruins of Danu as 'sacred ground' and for different reasons have never practiced 'grave robbing'. The Danu (nomads) have no desire to return to city life, and the Fortress Elves believe nothing of value remains... thinking in their arrogance that Danu (the city) was picked clean by the survivors during the Banality of all of value.  Note that the Danu Elves rarely have more than one or two members who are old enough to remember the Fall, their lives are harsh and shorter than most elves (rarely exceeding three centuries), while the Fortress elves are universally survivors first, with younger elves being 'children' no matter how old.


The Plains of the Tuatha are not without other races, though the Elves are the dominant. Around most Fortresses are small communities of Orcs and Halforcs, occasionally humans, all yoked into servitude to Elven masters.  Farther out, orcish and human nomad tribes vie with the 'superior' elves for game, though all the nomadic tribes meet bi-annually at the base of  Jujamion, the Mountain in the Sea of Grass, for a week long festival, where 'wife swapping' and trade are all common. The term 'wife swapping' comes from the practice of most of the tribes for the women to go to their husband's tribe, while in many cases it is the woman who chooses her new spouse.   Here also many of the tribes work out there differences in mock wars, which can be quite lethal to the participants.  This doesn't stop two or more tribes from fighting real wars out on the plains between Moots, but it does cut down on the long term grievances.

Also occupying the rolling plains are Halfling communities, larger than the Fortress Fastnesses, often smaller than the tribes. These tend to be well marked, as the Halflings prefer to live near to the rare copses of trees, or to create orchards with fruit to harvest. Some make their homes around the singular, massive Yuib Trees, each a giant in an otherwise barren plain of six foot grass. The bleached white bark of the Yuib makes them readily visible, as does their singular stature.  The Yuib Halflings are half wild savages, the bark is rendered into poisons that paralyze their victims, and they are said to be insane from constant exposure to pigments made of the same material.  Yet in truth the Yuib are peaceful, preferring to hide from outsiders than engage them. The Yuib have tales unheard by outsiders, handed down for generations, possibly going back to the time the Titans flew their dragons overhead and raised the Barrier mountains from empty fields. Or not.




To the East of the Plains of Tuatha, a thousand miles and more from Jujamion, lies the coast. The Sea of Grass gives way to the preternaturally calm Sea of Glass.  Here there are more scattered villages, of Halflings and humans and elves each. The Elves and Halflings dominate the southern most reaches, while farther north the Humans hold sway as they grow closer and closer to the realms of Tenebria.  These small fishing villages are poor but largely peaceful and quiet, trading salted fish with the nomads of the Sea of Grass.

The southernmost reach of the coast, however, is the barrens. Here no grass grows, the land is cracked and dry, like shattered bricks, the mountainous tail of the Great Barrier is volcanic, spewing ash and fire into the sea, tainting the waters. What life thrives here is hardy and occasionally vicious, and the orcs make their home here, the last of the Hern, the surviving tribes of long lost Hru'tha, whose ruins lie at the northern edge of the wastes.  The Hern Orcs build homes of clay brick and crude quarried stone, mining what the can from the toxic mountains. Were it not for their ability to eat nearly anything, and the hard iron they forge and trade to the nomads to the north, they might not have survived here at all. Goblins are unheard of in this region, giving credence to the legends that some horrible curse lay waste to the land during the Goblin War, for any member of that race quickly sickens, then dies, in it's fastness.

To the West of the Sea of grass, also some thousand miles from Jujamion, the grass slowly gives way to golden sands and red rocks, thrusting up from the dunes.  The River Waiqa, also known as the River of Memory Past, flows from the Barrier Mountains, forming a natural border between the two lands.   The desert, known as the Dragon Desert, or the Sea of Sands, is a hot arid land, with travel being nearly impossible for the uninitiated. Knowing the locations of the rare oasis's and who to court for permission to use them, is of paramount importance.  A nomadic tribe of Halflings, the Bauon, roam freely, obscured in their shrouds and veils, living in the sands for as much as anyone can tell.  Confusing the issue is the presence of Kobold tribes who have many of the same behaviors and garments, from a distance...or even up close, who is to know if it is a Halfling or a Kobold who rises from the sands.

Near the river lies the city of  Nis, a massive walled complex of stone and clay. The Nis are humans, snake worshippers said to know many secrets lost in the earth, and the so called lords of the desert. In the Dragon Desert, all roads truly lead to Nis, for they are the only ones who have built them.  Nis is the only human city in the world to host a Lizardfolk ambassador, though ambassador may be to strong a term.  For some time, the Nis have sold products from their desert domain alongside the products of the Jungle Amal as the sole proprietors of such secrets, though time has turned on them, and coastal towns of displaced Nornsa have begun trading with the Lizardfolk, when they are not fighting them. Nis is ancient, slightly decadent, ruled by priests and tyrants in equal measure, each struggling to win the upper hand for all time's sake. They were, at one time, the greatest center for healing in the ancient world, combining secrets gleaned during the Banality, with secrets whispered to them by the very Snakes they worship. Now, as the Nornsa and the Elves of the Siti raise the pillars of civilization ever higher, Nis finds itself marginalized to a distant, forgotten backwater... and they rather like it.   As a final word on the Nis, they control many of the smaller oasis villages scattered throughout the Dragon Desert, though their grip grows weaker the farther from the cities one goes. On the coast, they have a small port city, with caravans transporting goods to the river to be barged upriver to Nis, and to collect goods shipped downriver to the caravan docks.

The desert slowly merges to the west with the Jungle, a narrow band of swamp and sand forms a natural barrier between the two, the greenery growing thicker the farther west.  Above the jungle rise huge stone pyramids, and the ground of the Amal is hollow, with many pits and openings scattered about to trip up the unwary. Many such holes are home to unsavory creatures unknown on the surface, and many host Kobold villages. The land itself seems incredibly hostile, with stinging insects, toxic plants and venomous predators.  The Amal lizardfolk are more advanced than their southern kin, with a complex tribal structure and significantly advanced craftsworks, mostly in stone and wood. The Amal have perfected working obsidian, but have almost no metalworking. Copper is highly prized by them, for they have only a few poor mines, and though they have traded for iron, they find it corrodes far to quickly to be useful.  Feathers and beads are heavily used in decoration, and the rather cunning Hollowtooth Tribe (crude translation) has made itself wealthy by means of trade with the softskins.

The Amal lizardfolk do not use their huge pyramids, claiming they are cursed. They do maintain the grounds around them, and appear to worship, or at least revere, the stellae placed at the bases, though no known translations exist of the engravings upon them.


South of the Great Barrier Mountains, on an ithmus lies the Jungles of Hasim and the original settlements of the Lizardfolk.  Life is not so harsh on this southernmost jungle, and the lizardfolk are virtually alone here, for few indeed are hardy enough, or foolish enough, to make the trip.  The Hasim Lizards have stone temples as well, though poorly maintained and much lived in. The Hasim are primitive compared to the Amal, still using fire hardened wood spears as the pinnacle of their technology.   The Hasim jungle is tame compared to Amal, though several large predatory animals make their homes here, and the lizardfolk are casually hostile to outsiders, not viewing them as intelligent in the least.

As for the lands of Tenebria... those are a matter for another day.
For you the day you found a minor error in a Post by Spike and forced him to admit it, it was the greatest day of your internet life.  For me it was... Tuesday.

For the curious: Apparently, in person, I sound exactly like the Youtube Character The Nostalgia Critic.   I have no words.

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Spike

Urtesh is wrongly held as the First City of Man.  This is not entirely without truth, for not only is Urtesh the oldest city built by human hands, she is also built upon the bones of long forgotten Gompileste (Goam-pill-S-Tay); though her inhabitants know it not.   Built on three hills, rising above light forests and cultivated plains, it was from here that Bovard led forth a ragged band of desperate men to face the Kings of the West... a collection of petty princedoms on the western coast of the north eastern peninsula.  Through marriage, treachery, alliance and war, Bovard rose to rule those kings, forging them into a single nation. Through most of the civilized world, Bovard's name is invoked as the essence of a great king.

It took time for the example of Urtesh to catch on, and in time even the dwarves chose a high king from their many clanholds to represent them all, in the manner of  Thandol, who had lead his clanhold to war, uniting many of the strongest Dwarven cities under his banner. To this day the Dwarvish word for High King is 'Tandolkz', in his honor.

Urtesh traded and warred with other kingdoms over the two plus centuries of her independent existence.  It was the coming of the Tenebrian Horde that ended that.  No one knows why or how the Horde earned it's name. They rode out of history with the taking of the southern City of Jingsho, riding north on their fanged steeds, carnivores in the shape of horses, from the Sea of Grass. In a matter of a few short years they had conquered all the civilized lands on the southern continent, sacrificing the ruling family of each city or kingdom to their gods, but adopting the cultures of those they ruled.  To this day the cities of Tenebria still have many citizens with traces of orcish ancestry, a lineage inherited from their one time masters.   Two generations of Tenebrian Emperors saw the consolidation of power in the south before they crossed the Straits of Falling Stars, and passed the Rock of Heaven in it's midst to set foot on the northern continent, eager to claim the world.

They pressed north to the very gates of Spada, who's fanatic soldier-citizens rebuffed every attempt. Their western border proved more mobile, sweeping away a thousand petty fiefdoms, and bringing the very essesence of Tenebrian culture to the Northern continents.  However, on the banks of the River Erd they encountered two problems.

Less pressingly, the warrior caste of Paravail proved to be nearly the equal to the fanatics of Spada, an unbreakable rock of bronze, steel and flesh.   At the Battle of Mapon the soldiers of Paravail fought to the man, and as the legend holds, to the last man they refused to lay down, even in death. The Tenebrian's surrendered the field to the Paravailian military, and superstitiously refused ever to cross that field again, forcing them to take a less strategic route to Paravail's walls.

The true difficulty lay with the Elves of the Siti, the first tribe who still occupied the central forests of Hydiminoi. Bolstered by weathered veterans of Tuatha, and the rare survivors of the army that had once marched on Irem, the Elves took the field as a shining host.  Each of these grizzled warriors could slay a hundred men without falling, and the mages who backed them were worth a thousand or more.  

By day the Elves fought on the battlefields as men do, in shining hosts, with gleaming armor and terrible weapons, the warpreists of Tenebras countering the spells of the Siti hosts. But by night their warriors set aside their armor and snuck through the shadows, cutting the throat of every other man they found, their sorcerers conjured up beasts of terrible shadow to stalk the warpriests and slay them in their councils.  The elven host refused to sleep until the upstart invaders fled, and so the legends that elves never sleep came to be, and the Tenebrian Horde found it's limits.  Those cities and kingdoms on the eastern coast still show strong Tenebrian influence, though those rulers are long gone, replaced in time by less ambitious Mugnjo dynasts, the Tenebrian empire splitting as regional governors took power for themselves, or provincial revolts went unpunished.  The kingdom of Tenebria is a shadow of her former self, but proud and ancient none the less.


It is suggested that the Dwarves of the Homast Mountains, rising gently from the Sea of Grass along her northern rim, were responsible for the rise of the Tenebrians, when they traded metalwork to the human and orcish tribes of the Sea.  The Homast Clans do not pay fealty to the High King, and are accounted by their northern kin to be a surly lot driven by greed, while the Homast see themselves as merchants, extending their hands in friendship to other races in return for those things that Dwarves can not provide for themselves... such as grain.  They view the High King as an upstart parasite, drawing wealth from the coffers of more deserving clans.   As a result, many of the Homast Dwarves have rejected the concept of kings all together, their clanfathers must be business-dwarves as much as leaders, but never rulers.


But what of the culture of Tenebria, and her decendents?    How do they differ from the more familiar peoples of the Nornsa, or the elves of Siti?  

The Tenebrians are unfailingly polite in their dealings with others, even in the face of terrible insults.  It is said you know when you have gone to far when you find a knife in your ribs.  Status must be earned by right, rather than birth... with a few exceptions at the highest level of social status. Earning wealth comes easiest to wealthy families, but expertise in war  is held in equally high esteem.  Murder, killing in general, is held to nearly ritual behaviors. Failure to perform the correct forms is a terrible shame, possibly even a religious crime. Certainly, engaging in wanton murder IS a crime, but obeying the proper forms is viewed as acceptable, even laudable.  One who would be an assassin is prohibited from killing anyone unless they have been paid in advance, for example, while a warrior killing an unarmed man would be reviled, for it would be an act of cowardice.

On the other hand, theft, indeed a whole host of innocuous but disruptive acts are viewed as terrible crimes, with occasionally gruesome punishments. For example, a thief has molten gold poured over their hands, destroying them.  A political agitator haranguing the populace might have his tongue cut out and fed to him in small bites.  Note that political agitation is not the crime, but harassing the populace is.

The Tenebrians are incredibly religious as a people. While the level of devotion may vary, as well as reverence, the Gods are viewed as very common, even omnipresent. Each Tenebrian has a 'personal god' chosen for him by his parents at birth, one of the Ten Thousand Gods of Tenebria. There are over a dozen documented 'war gods', each representing a tiny facet of war, and a thousand 'hearth Gods'.  Despite the high numbers of preists, and the fame of the Warpriests of history, there is no organized clergy.  Each temple or monastery is run independently of any other, and a sufficiently devout man could spend his life maintaining a crude shrine of his own making and be viewed by all and sundry as a learned sage of that God, a truer holy man than some preists.   The Tenebrians are rather egalitarian in practice if not in speech or demeanor. Women are expected to maintain the household and be coquettish and demure, yet their legends and culture abounds with stories of wild warrior women and hen pecked husbands subject to their powerful wives.  Currently the Empire, what remains of it, is led by an Empress who holds an almost hypnotic sway over her people, though this may be more due to her dynamic rule than her gender.  The armies of Tenebras are on the march once more, and the nations of the world shudder.


They needent bother, unless they are long lived elves, for the former provinces and nations that once made up the mighty empire are her targets, at least for this lifetime.

The people of Tenebria favor long flowing clothes in light fabrics. Split skirt trousers are popular for men and women, and members of either gender may tie off the cuffs of their garments in preparation for hard work. In fact to 'Tie Up' is slang for hard work.   The armor favored is made of quilted layers of cloth, coated with thick lacquer until it is stiff and gleaming. Universally inks and dyes are used during the lacquering, and a fine suit of armor may have a fantastic design, with peaks and detailing unheard of to other nations. The resulting armor is light and easier to make than its equivalent in metal, though not quite as durable.  Weapons tend to be large and crude looking, at least for common soldiers.  However, any true warrior would be expected to provide his own favored weapons, and the craftsmanship of such are undeniable.  Spears and polearms are the backbone of the foot infantry, while the mounted cavalry of Tenebria have an unparalleled mastery of the bow, though they carry long thin swords they use much as lances when the fighting gets too close.   Cavalry soldiers typically have huge colorful cloth 'wings' or banners affixed to their backs, making them look massive on the field and awe inspiring on the charge.  Ancient law decrees that only horse may use bows, but the footsoldiery are not without massive blocks of archer support, in the form of huge siege crossbows, fired in two or three man teams.  

A curious tradition found when Tenebrian's fight one another lies in the role of officers.  The Officer is the most important part of any unit, and their orders are obeyed without question, even if treacherous. When two units fight, the officers often single one another out for duels, as only the rare soldier dares to engage an obvious superior... even if success would raise his social status and wealth. Often the two units only engage in sort of mock combat as their leaders resolve the 'battle' in single combat. The loser's unit surrenders peacefully.  If an officer dies to misadventure, however, the unit infallingly follows their last order to the letter, even if that last order was to 'wait'.  In the absence of orders, they will typically flee the battlefield.  Many occasions are noted where an exceptional soldier took command of his unit after the officer was killed and altered this normal chain of events. Such men are held as heroes, but among the soldiers are often held in contempt during their own lives.
For you the day you found a minor error in a Post by Spike and forced him to admit it, it was the greatest day of your internet life.  For me it was... Tuesday.

For the curious: Apparently, in person, I sound exactly like the Youtube Character The Nostalgia Critic.   I have no words.

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James J Skach

Over 50 pages now (same caveats as before - no editing, haven't read a bunch of it).  Just thought you should know...
The rules are my slave, not my master. - Old Geezer

The RPG Haven - Talking About RPGs

Spike

There is a significant population difference between the two major continents.  The southern continent, which we have spoken of in somewhat great detail has only a few scattered communities of dwarves, one significant population of elves, and scattered, often mixed, groups of humans and orcs, along with several indigenous halfling tribes.  

In contrast the Northern continent has a much higher population of Elves and Dwarves, with only the Humans running a close third. Orcs are uncommon, and very uncommon in 'civilized' areas. Halflings are almost unheard of, if a dozen or so halflings live in a single city of major size it's accounted a 'large population'.

Allow me to clarify: the actual population of Elves isn't so very high in terms of actual numbers, but in their impact upon other races. Elven kingdoms and political power is still excessively high. Dwarves have the numbers and the power, but as they tend to exert themselves only rarely, their impact is lessened to the trade agreements and 'dwarven mercenary armies' that occassionally hire out to defend strategic resources. Originally this was only done to protect the common good, mostly from Goblins or other destructive forces, such as the Warlord's army, but in the recent era, they often hire out to defend politically important objectives.  Note that they refuse to sell their services as aggressors, a hallmark of Dwarven culture.  Dwarven merchants are everywhere in the north, often competeing with, or joining with human merchants.  

There is a very real feeling among the various Human cultures that they are newcomers, almost children among the older, wiser races. This leads to both fetishization of the elders, and resentment.   Human kingdoms actively ape both Elvish and dwarvish styles, with only a few 'human original' designs cropping up.  This is not universally true. The Reve, for example, have had very little contact with Elves or Dwarves, their log longhouses are purely human in design, as is their artwork.  While the Reve do borrow from other cultures they've raided, their primary targets are Tenebrian (mostly due to proximity), and the Tenebras are considered mostly 'pure human' in aesthetic design.

The Bearmen that walk the Tundric Flats in the Harmzgelter mountains, in direct counter to this, borrow almost exclusively from Dwarven construction techniques, adapted to surface conditions, of course.
For you the day you found a minor error in a Post by Spike and forced him to admit it, it was the greatest day of your internet life.  For me it was... Tuesday.

For the curious: Apparently, in person, I sound exactly like the Youtube Character The Nostalgia Critic.   I have no words.

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