I saw these Player Rules and wondered if you had any to add to the list:

DnD Player Rules
1.   Never split the Party
2.   DM is God, and the DM is always right. Do not argue with the DM
3.   Always check for traps
4.   If the DM asks "Are you sure?" DON'T DO THE THING!
5.   REST. You don't know what is out there
6.   Never plot out loud. God is listening and taking notes.
7.   The skeleton always animates
8.   If something is too good to be true, it probably is.
9.   For the love of all that is Holy, don't go in the water. Or the fog.
10.   Write that down.  You wont remember it later. But the DM will
11.   Tricky lock? Ask the Barbarian to open it for you
12.   Anything is a weapon if you roll high enough
13.   Loot EVERYTHING!
14.   Never draw the card
15.   If the item is smarter then you are, it has its own agenda
16.   The Dragon is never your friend
17.   Don't get on the boat. The DM has a horde of nautical beasties they have never been able to use
18.   PROTECT THE HEALER!
19.   Talk to people. You never know what you don't know
20.   Bring enough to share

21 - The smoking hot lady approaching you at the tavern is a Succubus. EVERY. TIME.
21a - If she is not a Succubus, she's an Erinyes.

Quote from: BronzeDragon;111338121 - The smoking hot lady approaching you at the tavern is a Succubus. EVERY. TIME.
21a - If she is not a Succubus, she's an Erinyes.

In my games she's probably the human high priestess of the Black Sun.

Quote from: Shasarak;1113374I saw these Player Rules and wondered if you had any to add to the list:

DnD Player Rules
1.   Never split the Party
2.   DM is God, and the DM is always right. Do not argue with the DM
3.   Always check for traps
4.   If the DM asks "Are you sure?" DON'T DO THE THING!
5.   REST. You don't know what is out there
6.   Never plot out loud. God is listening and taking notes.
7.   The skeleton always animates
8.   If something is too good to be true, it probably is.
9.   For the love of all that is Holy, don't go in the water. Or the fog.
10.   Write that down.  You wont remember it later. But the DM will
11.   Tricky lock? Ask the Barbarian to open it for you
12.   Anything is a weapon if you roll high enough
13.   Loot EVERYTHING!
14.   Never draw the card
15.   If the item is smarter then you are, it has its own agenda
16.   The Dragon is never your friend
17.   Don't get on the boat. The DM has a horde of nautical beasties they have never been able to use
18.   PROTECT THE HEALER!
19.   Talk to people. You never know what you don't know
20.   Bring enough to share

Good list, but I have seen players screw up badly by assuming enthroned corpse will animate. Primeval Thule has a lot of non animating mummies like the Atlantean barrow in Conan tB.
In one case a pc shooting at throne corpse broke a ward, summoned demons and got himself killed.

Quote from: Shasarak;11133742.   DM is God, and the DM is always right. Do not argue with the DM

I know the list is meant to be humorous, but this one bugs me.

I'm normally a very ardent "The GM is God" person, but there are exceptions to it, and sometimes it depends on how and why the GM is trying to invoke Godhood. Basically it's down to a level of fairness. The game doesn't have to be fair - there's nothing fair about throwing some level 5s up against an Elder Red or something, but if they decided to go poking around in his lair? Well, tough shit. That's the right sort of unfair. The wrong sort of unfair is rules that only work for the GM and never the players, or rules that work for some players and not others, or ignoring the rules entirely but only when it favors your pet NPCs, or rules that you never bother to explain to the players, or what have you.

Basically, there's a fine line between "I'm down for this being your world, just don't be a dick about it" and "Why don't you just go write your fanfiction?" levels of GM authoritarianism.

Now, as far as not arguing with the GM... I agree, again, in general. Even if the GM is being an unfair ass, I generally prefer not to start an argument at the table, but at the risk of sounding like the players in Knights of the Dinner Table with their talk of player's unions and player's bill of rights and such, a player should only have to take so much indignity. When it becomes obvious that the GM is completely off the rails and basically using the players as semi-sentient action figures to play with? You either gotta say something, or else pack up your dice and walk out. At which point you have to make a judgement call based on the mood of the table. I have called a GM out on their bullshit a couple times. It was unpleasant, but it had to be done.

Quote from: Shasarak;11133744.   If the DM asks "Are you sure?" DON'T DO THE THING!

Oh please take this to heart. Us GMs have learned you player's assumption that we're giving you a hint, and sometimes we use that tactic specifically to set you up for something.

Rule 2 is "never give the GM any ideas"! At least it is where we play. And our Rule 3 is "Violence is always an option".

Quote from: Bruwulf;1113484I know the list is meant to be humorous, but this one bugs me.

I agree with your sentiment and on the other hand that is for a different thread because this one is for humorous DnD Player Rules.

Good list. General rules we have...

Corollary to Rule #2 - The DM is not just God. He's also the fucking Devil.
- Making deals with the Infernal(s) *NEVER* WORKS. DO NOT DO IT.

- Plant life is the WORST. Fear any GM that overly describes exotic plant life in your games.

- Darkness is not your old friend. Do not say "Hello" to it unless you're planning on dying or worse.

- Rope. Have some.

- If you see Swimming on the skill list - stop fucking whining and buy it.

- Presume nothing. Ask for clarification if you question anything.

If you like to pull levers, bring extra character sheets.

Since I usually GM and these cover plenty (most are jokes some serious commentary):

Quote from: Shasarak;1113374I saw these Player Rules and wondered if you had any to add to the list:

DnD Player Rules
1.   Never split the Party
But how am I supposed to spring that secret encounter waiting for an ambush on just half the party if you don't split up?
2.   DM is God, and the DM is always right. Do not argue with the DM
GMs who have to adopt the mantle of gods are usually compensating for their lack of actual GM skills. Unless the player's being an argumentative idiot, then yeah...STFU
3.   Always check for traps
Please do! I always forget add any and checking for traps reminds me to make up some. j/k
4.   If the DM asks "Are you sure?" DON'T DO THE THING!
DOOIT! DOOIT NAO!
5.   REST. You don't know what is out there
In middle of the wilderness? Are you sure? *evil GM grin; hand moving for the random encounters table*
6.   Never plot out loud. God is listening and taking notes.
I personally hate GMs who do this and basically turn what should be a simulated world into one of those nightmare scenarios where you're dreaming and every bad thing you think is gonna happen happens. The world shouldn't magically react to everything that PCs say, like there's a celestial spy watching over them 24/7. This is bad GMing. It erodes player-GM trust and breaks immersion.
7.   The skeleton always animates
Unless it's a non-magical setting. Then it's probably boobytrapped.
8.   If something is too good to be true, it probably is.
Just like real life, but with plot hooks.
9.   For the love of all that is Holy, don't go in the water. Or the fog.
How am I supposed to try out that underwater encounter I haven't used yet?
10.   Write that down.  You wont remember it later. But the DM will
Unless the session overextends, but we're almost done. Then all bets are off!
11.   Tricky lock? Ask the Barbarian to open it for you
This also reminds me I have to add more traps in the game--well-hidden ones, behind unpickable locks.
12.   Anything is a weapon if you roll high enough
Especially the group's Halfling.
13.   Loot EVERYTHING!
Remind me to track encumbrance.
14.   Never draw the card
I've never used catds.
15.   If the item is smarter then you are, it has its own agenda
Unless you're a freaking genius, then the item still has an agenda even if you're smarter than it.
16.   The Dragon is never your friend
Unless your GM saw Never Ending Story way too many times as a kid, then it's just a flying puppy.
17.   Don't get on the boat. The DM has a horde of nautical beasties they have never been able to use
Party pooper.
18.   PROTECT THE HEALER!
Or don't. I'm OK with that.
19.   Talk to people. You never know what you don't know
The GM may not know what dialogue to make up either.
20.   Bring enough to share
Or die starving in the wilderness.

Quote from: BronzeDragon;111338121 - The smoking hot lady approaching you at the tavern is a Succubus. EVERY. TIME.
21a - If she is not a Succubus, she's an Erinyes.

As of 5e, succubi/incubi are their own race employed by both demons and devils. The erinyes has been rewritten to a martial devil more akin to their mythological inspirations.

Quote from: BoxCrayonTales;1114290As of 5e, succubi/incubi are their own race employed by both demons and devils. The erinyes has been rewritten to a martial devil more akin to their mythological inspirations.

Excellent! One more thing WotC has done that I can safely ignore.

Quote from: BoxCrayonTales;1114290As of 5e, succubi/incubi are their own race employed by both demons and devils. The erinyes has been rewritten to a martial devil more akin to their mythological inspirations.

Oh Gawd, of course they did.

Quote from: BronzeDragon;1114304Excellent! One more thing WotC has done that I can safely ignore.

Quote from: Shasarak;1114358Oh Gawd, of course they did.

I don't have a problem, myself.

Firstly, the distinction between demons and devils is arbitrary. D&D is the only setting that does it and it doesn't do much with it. Aside from alignment on their statblocks, demons and devils are interchangeable. They don't vary noticeably in overall appearance or behavior. Warhammer's demons are way better distinguished.

Secondly, the erinyes or furies are taken from Greek myth and don't behave anything like a succubus. They're the daughters of Hades sent to torment the damned. When AD&D decided to turn them into lawful evil succubi to fulfill the autistic obsession with alignment symmetry, this did the original myth a disservice.

Quote from: BoxCrayonTales;1114445I don't have a problem, myself.

Really, the guy that has a problem with every single DnD monster except now the Succubus?