Fan Forums => The RPGPundit's Own Forum => Topic started by: RPGPundit on April 07, 2014, 01:32:40 AM

Title: DCC Campaign Log
Post by: RPGPundit on April 07, 2014, 01:32:40 AM
On My DCC Campaign

My own Dungeon Crawl Classics game has only been two sessions, but they were amazing sessions.

My game setting is a world where humanity is nearly extinct, and the world itself is some kind of immense life-preserver at the end of the universe; a superspecies trapping the last star left in the universe and used it to escape the end of all things; only now the super-species is gone, their AI (“G.O.D.”) has gone senile, his living programs (daemons) have rebelled, terrible mutations have arisen in the original species, and everything has basically gone to shit.

The humans had apparently originally been called up to be indentured farm servants, the elves were supervisors, dwarves worked deep in the underground “world-machines” and halflings’ role is not clear. But after the “Ancient Ones” vanished, the halflings became almost feral bandits in the woods, dwarves were forced out of the deep places by horrific goblin hordes, tentacle things and their gnomish masters; the elves continued sleepily into a helpless decadence in their automated pleasure-domes, very slowly losing all their knowledge and wisdom to become shallow, self-absorbed drug-addled dilettantes, and the humans were slowly wiped out by plague, mutation, undeath and attacks by monstrosities.

Its possible that there’s still other human survivors besides the PCs out there, there were other human settlements in the time of the Ancient Ones,and its not clear how they might have fared in the thousands of years hence; there is even a legend about a great human city named Vornheim, on the other side of the world.
But the PCs only know that their village, the last in the five valleys, was overrun by Zombies; their party survived escaping through a deep tunnel into the Rose Pleasure Dome of the Elves. Now they’re based there; and recently helped the Elven Elder (the only one there who more or less still knows something, or cares about something) to retrieve a Power sphere from the 9th dimension, from the grey men and their dreaded Queen Priscilla.

Unfortunately the absolute earliest we’ll be playing again is late June. It was awesome.


(April 3, 2013)
Title: DCC Campaign Log
Post by: RPGPundit on October 21, 2014, 11:44:47 PM
List of Gonzo DCC Campaign Stuff!
So this weekend we played our periodic DCC game (its been once a month the last few months, but we might start doing it fortnightly for the next while).  Its one of my favorite games, because its the one The Wench plays in, because we run it in English, because we always eat great in that session (between the Wench and Rafa, who are both amazing cooks/foodies), and because DCC fucking rocks.

Anyways, in this session we saw:

-a vengeful hipster-elf in a giant robot

-a 'control collar' for use with wild zombies and/or potential store-thieves.

-a herd of giant Great Plains Snails

-an ancient crashed spaceship of the Pithian Knights

-a pair of Killer Androids.

-a rare ancient "Papers and Paychecks" gaming manual

Anyways, it was great fun; and I'll note that in true Gonzo spirit I was, in addition to the DCC manual, using (this session): the AD&D 1e DMG, the AD&D 1e Monster Manual, Hulks & Horrors, the Adventures Dark & Deep Gamemaster's Toolkit, and Vornheim.

No doubt, more reports like this forthcoming.


(october 23, 2013)
Title: DCC Campaign Log
Post by: RPGPundit on November 11, 2014, 02:09:07 AM
Taking down a Dragon in DCC

In tonight's DCC game, the setup of the adventure involved the PCs having to dissuade a band of bloodthirsty mutant Scottish barbarians from invading and ransacking the Elven Dome.  The Nudist Hermit accompanying the PCs made mention of knowing a dragon lair in the mountains nearby, which would be both more glorious and more honorable for the barbarians.

Now, my idea was one of several possibilities: the PCs could certainly have let the barbarians go off and be slaughtered by the Dragon, and then go on their merry way; they could also figure out a different target (like the peaceful Cactus-People beyond the mountains, or the vicious Sword-Octopi that harass the Cactus-people) and lead the barbarians to battle and potential loot.

But no, my group of players all decide that it would be an awesome idea to join the barbarians and take on a motherfucking dragon.

Their level, you ask? Well, there's a whole range, from level 0 - 2.

Yup, you read that right. These maniacs' best character was level 2, and they went off to fight a dragon.  Not just any dragon, but one they quickly learned was highly intelligent, a very powerful spellcaster, capable of summoning monsters, throwing fireballs, breathing ice, and becoming invisible.  It was as large as a house, unless it cast Enlarge, in which case it was as large as two houses.

The Barbarians, by the way, were wiped out in the first five minutes of the assault, taken down by a perfectly-placed Ice Breath that blasted through the entire entry-tunnel to the dragon's lair.

But still the PCs continued, with a series of careful, though mostly disastrous plans; the party's Dwarf blew himself to bits when he entered invisibly to the lair and fumbled when throwing an explosive device at the dragon. The human outlaw and the elven organic farmer both got killed in another attempt involving suicide-bomber chickens.

Finally, they managed to draw the dragon out, and a particularly vicious battle ended up being won by the well-timed use of the Invoke Patron spell and and a very lucky throw with a grenade.

So, three out of 7 PCs (and about 35 Barbarian warriors, and several chickens, horses, and cave bears) ended up dead, but they actually beat a dragon.

I personally never expected them to have a chance. But there you go; a strong lesson never to underestimate your players!


(November 3, 2013)
Title: DCC Campaign Log
Post by: RPGPundit on November 11, 2014, 02:11:57 AM
DCC Update: Another Great Session

In our DCC game tonight we had 7 players, ranging in age from 10 to 50, and everyone had quite a great time.  The elves of the Rose Pleasure Dome were tricked out of their home by a Succubus Princess and a Hypno-naga who had mind-controlled the Circle of Really Old Wizards.

The two halfling zealots (one a nudist berserker wizard) of Azi-Dahaka managed to kill off the Hypno-Naga; their reflective aviator-glasses made them immune to the naga's gaze but not its poison bite, and the berserker-wizard died a hilarious death at its hands just after killing it off too, and then releasing a post-mortem colour spray.

The rest of the group, along with the now-freed Circle of Really Old Wizards, took on the Succubus Princess.  They managed to defeat her, but after that the Circle decided that they really wanted to keep living in the Pleasure Dome instead of their tower; they bribed the PCs with magic items, and then teleported them away to another continent altogether.  As of the end of the session, the PCs found themselves in a whole new environment: in the astounding canyon-city of Arkhome, city of Spires.

Its been great fun, this campaign just doesn't let up, and it was nice to (almost) be up to full complement of players.  Especially players who can surprise you at every turn with the insanity of their ideas.


(November 17, 2013)
Title: DCC Campaign Log
Post by: RPGPundit on December 16, 2014, 01:20:19 AM
DCC Campaign Update
This weekend we played our english-language DCC game again; the PCs were getting acquainted with what looks like their new home base: the sprawling city of Archome, which they soon realized seemed to be a vertical tower-city built in, on and over a spaceship-graveyard inside a canyon.  They learned a bit about the rival power group struggling for control in the city: The Assassin King, current ruler of the city, and the Snake Witch, who seeks to usurp him.  The city's lesser gangs have mostly aligned to one side or another in the turf war; the Goblins who were once inhabitants of the caves surrounding the canyon are the trusty Royal Guard for the Assassin King, for example, while the vicious cannibalistic halfling gangsters that rule the shantytowns in the shadowy bottom of the canyon are allied with the Snake Witch.  Only the old families, who have seen one ganster-king after another come and go, stay literally above it all, in their mansions at the tops of the city-spires.

The PCs met with another PC (Gabriel's character, who had missed a few sessions) who had apparently been teleported here earlier than they were.  He has set up shop as a fortune teller, and has made an ally of a chronically alcoholic rogue-bard ("with a wee dram of chaos blood" in him) by the name of Borquist. An old hand at surviving in the vicious city of Archome, he takes the PCs under his wing and they decide to form their own little gang.

With a team of half-competent adventurers under his back, Borquist decided to brave the Halfling lower-levels of the canyon to seek out a legend of a dead Wizard's lair.  What has ensued involved exciting action with evil vampire monkeys, vampire merfolk, a semi-intelligent giant octopus, and thus far very little treasure.  When we quit for the evening, the party was still trapped in the Infernal Menagerie of Pang Feng, low on hit points, out of helpful healing robots, and still facing a murderous vampire monkey out for revenge.

We'll see how things go next session.


(December 12, 2013)
Title: DCC Campaign Log
Post by: RPGPundit on December 24, 2014, 03:19:48 PM
DCC Campaign Update: Don't mess with Queen Booboo

In today's session (played outside at a private pool & BBQ, by the way!), the players were:

-Ambushed by a cape-wearing Vampire Chimp and his Merlady-Vampire girlfriend

-Charged at by a Morningstarasaurus.

-Double-crossed by a gorgeous and friendly Medusa.

-Viciously assaulted by a gang of dungeon-punk cannibal halflings and their chief, Queen Booboo.

-Ripped-off by a 5th Level Chaos-Lord/Alcoholic.

-Introduced to an Innkeeper named Osman, and another named One-eye.

-Convinced to hire a sellsword named Ralph.

-Privy to a very visible and explosive demonstration that the Daemon of Punk Chaos and Destruction and the Daemon of Heavy Metal Dragons do not like each other one bit.

-Unable to recover their miniature Elephant.

That's all for today.


(December 29, 2013)
Title: DCC Campaign Log
Post by: RPGPundit on February 21, 2015, 12:16:17 AM
DCC Campaign Update
In last night's adventure, which was apparently so good I crashed early and thus am writing this blog entry a day late, the players had quite a bit of fun, consisting in:

-Failing to sell your pop-singing hypno-toad

-Having to avoid the hellhounds of a sorcerous ex-wife

-Engaging in the most hilarious bazaar haggling scene ever

-Being shot at by snipers after their halfling decided to stop for tea and backgammon rather than sounding the alarm.

-Dying due to being mistaken for the wrong halfling.

-Being kidnapped by two spaniards.

-Mistakenly thinking you're naked in front of a gang leader

-Being cursed by the Snake Witch

-Hearing increasingly perturbing rumours about the mad wizard Nicodemus

-Entering into a room with too many fish-men.

-Meeting a suspiciously friendly ghost.

-Facing a horde of skeleton-ballerinas.

-Going one Thermite Grenade too far.

-Finding the room with the most important ring in the world, and then burying it under a ton of rubble.

-Flattering Queen Boo-boo to avoid being eaten by her army of feral halfling punks.

-Winning the favor of the second most powerful person in the entire city; meaning that the most powerful person in the entire city and all his minions will now be trying to kill you.

-Trying to convert the world's most infamous alcoholic to the true faith in a desperate bid to avoid getting 23 stab wounds in the back.

That is all, for today.


(January 13, 2014)
Title: DCC Campaign Log
Post by: RPGPundit on February 21, 2015, 12:19:18 AM
DCC Update

In the last adventure, on Sunday, the PCs learned:

-that a drunk thief shooting a hand crossbow from under a table can only ALMOST kill an ogre.

-That being the "chosen one" of the Daemon Lord of Death is not a good deal.

-That blinded barons named "Von Kraut" tend to hold grudges.

-That there are hardly any real Clerics in Arkhome.  

-On a related note, that a Cleric's life is full of disappointments and misery.

-That a cursed singing toad CAN be worth something, if you can find the right buyers.

-That even cultists of Bobugbubilz can't agree on how to pronounce his name.

-That, on the other hand, cultists of Bobugbubilz are easier to negotiate with than death cultists or
vengeful barons.

-That there is a very very slow long-term plan afoot to sink the city of Arkhome into a swamp.

-That the gender of the "lord" of Dragons is a subject somewhat up to debate.

-That someone somewhere considered halfling cannibalism a worthy subject of a work of art.

-That halflings that consider erotic human lithographs worth keeping are considered perverts.

-That you can't fool the Goblin Guard all of the time, but you can fool them some of the time.

-That the desert holds an army of the dead waiting to be raised

-That "not today" really is the best thing to say to the Lord of Death.


(January 21, 2014)
Title: DCC Campaign Log
Post by: RPGPundit on February 21, 2015, 12:22:31 AM
DCC Campaign Update: Jellyfishmen!

In our last adventure, the PCs discovered:

-That dark elves look totally "dark" but the effect is ruined by their squeaky little voices.

-That the Assassin King and the Assassin's Guild have a more complicated relationship than their names would suggest.

-That if a Frenchman's first words to you are "non, je ne suis pas un robot!"... he's a robot.

-That the temple of the Love-Goddess Titia is not going to be as fun a time as it sounds.

-That in the Desert of Devastation, creatures like to attack on the second watch of the night.

-That Camel Racing is a very profitable profession and respectable in certain circles.

-That the Krakenshark is not the scariest thing in the Sea of Sighs

-That the King of Elfland really, really has the universe's most awesome aquarium.

-That its a very bad idea to offer up the dragon that's currently saving your ass as a gift to the King of Elfland.

-That the Jellyfishmen of the Deep have very good manners, and a hat obsession.

-That the Assassin's Guild is not a Community College.

-That the Assassin King will go to obscene lengths to adequately nuke his pizza pockets.


(February 18, 2014)
Title: DCC Campaign Log
Post by: RPGPundit on February 21, 2015, 12:30:34 AM
DCC Campaign Update: Now With Gender-Indeterminate Pre-Teens

In this weekend's DCC campaign adventure, it was shockingly confirmed that:

-The assassin's guild are definitely not a community college.
-The assassin's guild are, however, the proprietors of the worst-kept "secret" hideout in all of Archome
-The assassin's guild are also mediocre-quality leather-workers.

-The Dwarves definitely know how to hold a grudge.  They also know how to air grievances, file complaints, list lamentations, and take two or three days to answer simple questions.
-The Dwarves are also absolute masters of defensive fighting, which might explain why they lost their ancient homelands.

-The Snake Witch does not like having her rumpy-bumpy interrupted with requests for snack breaks.
-The Snake Witch is also an advocate for slow and very painful capital punishment.

-Trying to Charm one of the Snake Witch's public employees is a very dangerous idea, but may just get you somewhere.

-The Desert Nomad's Camel-Milk Wine is very potent stuff; and may have you waking up next to two burly nomads, a midget, a dancing bear, three whirling dervishes, a tapestry-illustrator, and a particular smarmy alcoholic Chaos Lord.

-Putting Nitroglycerine in a flask does nothing to improve its carrying safety.

-The Desert of Destruction is not nearly as dangerous as it sounds.
-The Plain of Glass is also not nearly as dangerous as it sounds.
-The Valley of Garbage is much, much more dangerous than it sounds.

-There are good slimes and bad slimes, and ways to differentiate between the two.
-Mutagentic Goo Slime and Bleach do not mix.

-It is strategically unwise to attack your opponents from the higher ground of a hill of soiled diapers.

-Large diaper-related explosions only attract more Bugbears.

-Bugbears in the world of the Last Sun are literally crosses between bugs and bears.

-Low-intellect Chaos Swords mostly just keep trying to get you to steal stuff.

-Blasters do nothing against Gelatinous Cube Slimes; Phasers, on the other hand, are fairly effective. Magic Missiles still work best.

-The Crystal of the Tyrant did not actually belong to the Tyrant; it was meant to keep the Tyrant imprisoned.

-Dwarves built their machines big, and built them to last. Their warning messages, not so much.

-When surrounded by hundreds of Eye Tyrants and their King, the only chance you really have is to make them laugh.

-Never trust an Elf in desperate search of a potion of Intelligence.

-An ancient Dwarven Particle Beam Cannon can slice a dragon in two.

-The Snake Witch rarely forgives, and she never forgets; so you had better. Forget, that is.

Finally, in 2014, 10-year-old boys are surprisingly nonchalant about a magic missile spell turning them into a girl every time they cast it, as long as it does a lot of damage.


(February 25, 2014)
Title: DCC Campaign Log
Post by: RPGPundit on March 12, 2015, 11:33:48 PM
DCC Campaign Update: Halconlords!

The last adventure was a bit shorter than usual, as our youngest gamer was starting his school year the next morning.  But anyways, here are, very briefly, the things we learned, with varying degrees of surprise or the lack thereof, that:

-Astrology based on following the path of the floating islands in the sky is about as unreliable as most other methods of fortune telling.

-Some halfings have a vested interest in being nicknamed "binky".

-Indoor plumbing is one sophisticated comfort of living in Arkhome; or would be if it wasn't for the tentacles in the sink.

-The Halconlords appear to be planning to become the next major power in Arkhome on the basis of graffiti alone.

-Evil nightingales are total assholes.

-Nobles who post rewards for the rescue of their kidnapped child get flooded with annoying treasure-seekers.

-Bourgeois secretaries have little patience with absurd claims of allegedly psychic halflings.

-The Halconlords appear to actually be planning to become the next major power in Arkhome on the basis of kidnapping the children of the aristocracy.

-"Never split up the party" is apparently an ancient axiom, but one that this particular group of PCs has decided is just superstition.

-Most locally produced meat products, milk, and ink in Arkhome comes from the giant snail farms of the Tower of Snails.

-"Never split up the party even further to include various groups of one" is not actually an axiom, but if it was this particular PC group would shit all over that one too.

-While most young gender-fluid 3rd level wizards would consider it suicide to go into a dungeon totally by themselves, apparently at least one does not.

-The Halconlords are in fact planning to become the next major power in Arkhome by assaulting the turf of the feral halfling tribegang.  Queen Boo-boo does not look kindly on this, and halflings everywhere are going apeshit with paranoia.

-Slathering a tied-up halfling in honey and threatening to unleash a half-starved dog at him is probably an effective way to get him to talk, but Charm Person might be easier.

-While most young gender-fluid 3rd level wizards would probably die horribly at the hands of a giant Toadgator, 14 brain-eaten slaves, and a vicious brain-eaten axe-wielding maniac; apparently at least one will end up miraculously kicking all their asses instead.

-Aside from everything else, the Halconlords apparently also plan on becoming the next major power in Arkhome by being incredibly well-dressed total bad-ass fighter-assassins with scary halcon-masks.

-That Evil Nightingale really is a complete asshole.


(March 11, 2014)
Title: DCC Campaign Log
Post by: RPGPundit on April 09, 2015, 03:26:25 AM
DCC Campaign Update

In this weekend's exciting second-parter to the previous adventure, it was revealed that:

-Being a snail-feeder is one of the least-rewarding jobs possible; to the point that if any drunken maniac asks you if you want to be an adventurer, you'll jump at the chance.

-Taking a shower or using a toilet on Arkhome can sometimes be a deadly proposition.

-Tentacular Horrors are no match for the ethereal armies of Elfland.

-The Halfling definition of "do the right thing" is "betray your trusted ally at the first sign of weakness".

-Giant Crocotoads are a tastier raw-flesh dish for feral Halflings than Tentacular Monstrosity; but neither hold a candle to delicious human-flesh.

-The Torture-Chamber staff of the Assassin King is surprisingly inclusive of Gender and Sexual Preference. Also, his secretarial pool is beyond reproach.

-The Halconlords are extremely good at planning coupes d'etat.

-Gang Wars in Arkhome very quickly get out of hand.

-On the other hand, Halconlords are not that keen on the "sanity" department.

-The Tower of Corpses is just a name, it's actually a decent enough place.

-Halconlords are excellent, however, at cryptic esoteric statements that make no sense but have an air of significance.

-Clerics in Arkhome, or in general for that matter, have a hard life; but once in a while being able to download the Wrath of G.O.D. makes it all worthwhile.

-Halconlords have seen the Ribond, and think soon you will too, and then take up the Halconmask.

-Duke Halcon is a take-charge kind of homicidal maniac; so is his second in command, "the Thrush".

-Ogres make surprisingly good wizards, by ogre-standards.

-Dropping a tub full of man-fat into a swordfight doesn't necessarily make anything better, but it does make things a hell of a lot funnier.

-Some second-parters end up being three-parters.


(March 25, 2014)
Title: DCC Campaign Log
Post by: RPGPundit on May 06, 2015, 02:40:56 AM
DCC Campaign Update

This weekend we finally finished the (3rd part of the) adventure at hand.  We got a couple of new 1st level characters (from new players in our group), namely an ex-professional-torturess turned mercenary warrior woman, and an ex-astrologer turned wizard (in an already wizard-heavy party).

The party learned:

-The first rule of not getting bored is "don't split up the party".

-The second rule is "don't hang out with four times more NPCs than you have players"!

-Charm person quickly creates little megalomaniacs.

-Said little megalomaniacs can get away with it, at least for a good long while, if they also have some serious magic missile power.

-Some Elves just really, really want to Summon a bear.

-When you're hanging out with a bunch of hired mercenaries, and a bunch of loyal Assassin's Guild assassins, sometimes the best answer is to just let them kill each other.

-A dude with a hoe can occasionally end up surviving to become a hero... but if his name is Olaf, he's also doomed to be called "Hoe-laf" for the rest of his career.

-Ogre Wizards have an excessive love of Color Spray.

-In Arkhome, wealthy parents tell their young children to behave or the halflings will come to eat them.

-Sometimes, the best strategy is to just hide out in a barn full of Giant Snails until the heat is off.

-Sometimes, the best plan is to just sell back the Old Families' children at a bargain price.

-Its not a good idea to start shooting at a non-belligerent Imp when you're surrounded by dozens of mafiosi.

-Imps are tough to assassinate.

-Once in a while, when a gang tries a move to take over the entire city of Arkhome, it may possibly work; but more likely the result will be that instead of two gangs squabbling for control over the city, you end up with six.

-Just because you've been geas-ed to be unable to talk about the Eye Tyrants, doesn't mean they aren't on their way.

-The Snake Witch is alive.


(April 9, 2014)
Title: DCC Campaign Log
Post by: RPGPundit on May 13, 2015, 06:35:50 AM
DCC Campaign Update

In today's surreal adventure, the player characters were confronted by:

-Highly confused zero-level characters.

-A "curiosity shop" that actually had useful things.  Like curious wands that leave you wondering what they do.

-One of those useful things actually being a plexiglass screen that could be fitted into the modified back of a Pythian Battle Armor to accommodate extra mutant eyes.

-Angry old-family would-be kidnappers.

-"Crazy Leper Jim"

-A guy begging for 'magic items for the poor' might turn out to be a useful hireling with 7 years of interpretive-dance training.

-Rumors of mad wizards turning halflings into goats (with halfling-faces).

-Confirmation of said rumours.

-On the other hand, the crazy leper with 7 years of interpretive dance training might just be the mad wizard they were looking for, in disguise.

-Nicodemus actually being a working-class mad archmage named Nikos.

-Said Nikos being Bugfuck Crazy.

-A stirring condemnation of their own moral failings as adventurers.

-Chicken-headed elves.

-0-level versions of the Human Torch.


-Doctor Ironbutt.

-The smelliest hashish-dealer in the world.

-The sewers of Arkhome, yet again.

-Clinically-depressed Sewer Giants.

-The "hand-people" being literally people with hands for heads. And flamethrowers; just because.

-The troubling possibility of a Hand-people/ Frog-cult alliance.

-The Sewer-Freak Tribe.

-The fact that you can have up to three patrons, and screw them all over, if you're both very lucky and very powerful; but even then, you'll probably end up batshit crazy as your best case scenario.

-The Twice-confirmed realization that walking through a Sequester-trap is not a good idea under any circumstances.

-The reality that using up personality points as a dump stat can have really serious consequences.

-The tragic death of Ted, scarring Bill forever.

-The mad wizard Nikos' big lesson being: that he's an asshole.

-Heroism and morality, as adventurers, not being all its cracked up to be.

-The Eco-Ogre Army is coming.


(April 22, 2014)
Title: DCC Campaign Log
Post by: RPGPundit on May 23, 2015, 12:46:38 AM
DCC Campaign Report

In this shocking adventure the PCs encountered:

-the surprising reality that extra-dimensional tentacled entities make good leather-workers, and appreciate reggae music.

-the unsurprising confirmation that the Desert Nomads would be seriously grief-stricken by news of Ted's death; including the tearing of robes and hair, the covering of the face with sand and ashes, the wailing and lamentations of women and the beating of heads against rocks.

-the moderately insightful discovery that blaming the death of the greatest elven camel racer of all time would just about be enough to unite the desert tribes in holy war against the Eco-Ogres.

-the more unexpected discovery that having a drunken metal-skinned cleric swear to take on the Eco-ogre's chieftain in a singular combat of champions would totally seal the deal.

-the repeated confirmation that partying with desert-nomad booze is a generally bad idea.

-the anthropological insight that desert nomads and Eco-ogres alike follow the 'laws of the desert', particularly the rule that oases are absolutely neutral ground.

-the entirely predictable personal realization that the PCs are quite prepared to shit all over the 'laws of the desert'.

-the totally-from-left-field discovery that some oasis-lagoons have Magic Talking Otters living in them.

-the follow-up discovery that said Otters are grumpy misanthropes who want to be left alone.

-the unfortunate conclusion that one well-placed explosive desert nomad is not enough to take out 40 Eco-ogres in one shot.

-the expectable development that adding a thousand water-dragon hatchlings to an oasis may save your ass from the Eco-ogres, but will do nothing to gain you the trust and friendship of the Magic Otter.

-the completely unusual sudden arrival of Time Dinosaurs!

-the delightful surprise of finding that Time Dinosaurs are both sophisticated and pious.

-the unwittingly problematic aspects of asking the Time Dinosaurs to drop you off somewhere "really safe".

-the biological/cultural division of Elvenkind; and the fascinating discovery that "Hipster Elves" are very different in personality from "Smug Elves".

-the disturbing Huxleyan connotations of the Elven Silver Dome Panopticon, and the Smug Elves' suffocatingly controlled society.

-the systemic implication that magic is really the unstable manipulation of uncontrolled nanites.

-the troubling prospect of being obliged to spend the next several millennia in a government-mandated data-entry job under the benevolent oppressive rule of the Elven Queen Jenny.

-the disturbing dystopia of an elven civilization that would think nothing of having your brain rewired to help you conform, for your own security.

-the religious epiphany that G.O.D., in spite of having seriously flawed programming, can occasionally be vitally useful in saving you from a lifetime of serving as a zoological study subject.

-the thematic moral that a "Safe Place" is not really where you want to spend your days if you like being an adventurer.

And with that, it appears to be "goodbye" to Arkhome, and "hello" to the Tangled Forest.  This after having said hello to Arkhome and goodbye to the Elven Rose Dome.  So we could add one more detail to our list: that the player characters have now discovered a clearly emerging pattern of them arriving at a new home-area, promptly making the place worse by their very presence, and then when it's really wrecked to epic proportions, getting the fuck out of dodge.


(May 7, 2014)
Title: DCC Campaign Log
Post by: RPGPundit on June 02, 2015, 01:21:06 AM
DCC Campaign Update: Now With More Gender-Indeterminate Wizards!

In this weekend's camping expedition/adventure the PCs were:

-lost in the Tanglewood forest

-drawn to the conclusion that it was better just to wander around looking for things to kill rather than trying to spend hours crafting some elaborate plan to take out the Smug Elves.

-ambushed by a force of Evil Forest Centaurs

-informed that forest centaurs are dicks.

-reminded with lethal force that 0-level characters shouldn't act like heroes.

-made aware that like in most of the Last World, actual humans are a rarity; however, in this region of the world there is a particular superabundance of mutants.

-surprised by the fact that apparently Shaggy-Red Caveman Mutants are often also Psychics.

-sent the message that their attempt to stop the Eco-Ogre attack on Arkhome had failed.

-not surprised by how little they cared, now that they were safely a half-continent away from the Eco-ogres and their Eye-tyrant overlords.

-warmly greeted by Bolt-O, the conversation-starved production robot.

-able to recruit Bolt-O to their group, by engaging in such diverse topics like "do you think that there is a practical difference between alligators and crocodiles" and "what is your favorite letter of the alphabet, and why?"

-confronted by three of the gender-variant-and-indeterminate archwizards of the Grand Inclusive & Non-Hierarchical Azure Order.

-only slightly less surprised than the Azure Wizards when the PCs' own gender-indeterminate wizard politely declined joining them, since he doesn't actually feel oppressed or set apart at all for being "trigendered" (as the wizard's 10-year old Player called it...)!

-warned about Cannibal Vines.

-nevertheless taken totally by surprise by Cannibal Vines, at the cost of Marak the Wizard's life.

-witnesses to a cannibal-vine-planting operation undertaken by a trio of easily-spooked Furry Mutants.

-able to reach the Azure Tower, only to be sent off immediately to deal with the Furry Mutants and the Toad Wizard of Bobgobdobulz (who as usual want to bury the whole world in mud and swamp).

-forced to face the fact that Bill the Elf is in serious repressed grief for his brother Ted's death, and looking for substitute-Teds in all the wrong places.

-unexpectedly drawn into a drumming competition with the Furry Mutant Tribe.

-clever enough to discover that Bolt-o can double as an excellent steel drum.

-able to win over the Furry Mutants against the Toad Wizard through the power of aggressive drumming alone.

-quick to learn that having 50 Furry Mutant 'braves' at your command is not nearly as useful as it sounds.

-successful at blowing both the Toad Wizard and his Toad Fiend to little bits, with relatively little help from the cowardly and largely useless Furry Mutants.

-determined to settle down for a good long time in the village of the Azure Order tower, to spend a year's sabbatical for relaxation and self-improvement.


(May 28, 2014)
Title: DCC Campaign Log
Post by: RPGPundit on June 16, 2015, 01:50:55 PM
DCC Campaign Update

In this weekend's adventure, the PC party came to the conclusion that:

-The village of outcasts under the Azure Tower was a fairly good place to spend a gap year.

-Unicorns are actually assholes; especially Lightning Unicorns.

-The Red Mutants don't mess around.

-The fundamental curse of the Brassiere of Femininity is that the clasp is really really difficult to get off.

-The Azure Order's Transmutation Lab facilities are second-to-none.

-It was a tough year to be a Cleric back in Arkhome.

-If you're a cleric who gets tortured by people everywhere you go, after a while you just start to assume its going to happen.

-The Eye Tyrants must be stopped.

-Only Grenoble the Pious, the greatest Cleric who ever lived, might be able to stop them.  Unfortunately he's lost somewhere in the outer dimensions, and would first need to be found, and possibly rescued, before he can call down divine aid against the Eye Tyrants.

-To do this, the team would need to find Anthraz the Destroyer, the greatest adventurer of all time, according to his reputation.

-Red Mutants may not mess around, but they're also definitely not fireproof.

-The Orc Hills are conspicuously absent of Orcs; it remains to be seen whether the Limitless Mountains have any limits.

-When you're facing down 90 Black Mutant Dervishes, its time to call for Divine Aid.

-When that Divine Aid takes the form of a Hologram of Anthraz, it means he probably does live up to his reputation.

-When Tiamat, who usually promises her faithful she'll send a dragon to help, makes it explicitly clear she will not be sending any dragons, that makes you pay attention.

-Even if your campaign-long wish is to grow dragon-wings, doing it when you're about to meet the human who single-handedly slaughtered more dragons in his life than you've eaten cheetohs is probably the worst possible time.

-No matter how much you might want to own Caliburn, the deadliest magical sword in the world; or a suit of Quantum Knight Plate Armor; it's probably not worth having to fight the guy who won them in the first place, no matter how wizened and decrepit he might appear.

-Nor would it seem a good idea to try to steal some of his loot and run for it when he can casually dig out and freely give away a trapped Ifrit with a teleportation boon from under the nearest pile of huge diamonds.

-Anthraz sounds a little like Grandpa Simpson, if he was crossed with Dirty Harry.

-These days, Anthraz is mostly interested in playing checkers.

-When you hit level 10, there's really not much left to motivate you to go adventuring.

-While he fought back the Lord of the Dark Ones, murdered the Evil Dolphin King, defeated the Cult of Skaros, and wrestled a really large crocodile, Anthraz's greatest accomplishment may be his ability to spot a Brassiere of Femininity from a mile away.

-The temptation to have one last checkers match with his last surviving party-mate is almost enough to convince Anthraz to seek out Grenoble, but only if the PCs will first complete a quest to prove they aren't just "a bunch of dumb kids".

-If they have to fulfill a quest to satisfy Anthraz, the ultimate choice for the PCs is that while it might be easiest to slay the Peaceloving Dragon of Corannion Pass, the cost in terms of PC-dragon relations would be too high; and while stealing the Magic Wafer from the Cyborg Grandmother's Death Fortress is tempting, they already know that high-tech traps are extra-deadly. Thus, the wisest quest to embark upon will be to burn down the Bungalow of the Beach Giant Chiefs.

-When you're a Red Mutant who was charmed by someone with a Brassiere of Femininity, only to later encounter your charmer sans bra, everything you know about your life suddenly comes into question.

And the quote of the night? "DCC sure has taught us a lot about tolerance!"
There's a string of words that might never have been heard in that particular sequence before.

For the record, since some people have apparently been under the impression that the order of gender-variant wizards might be an insulting sort of mockery that's going on; its actually not. Yes, there's some funny elements to the Azure Order; if you haven't guessed already this is a campaign that is poking a bit of fun at everything.  However, the humor has never been at the expense of either gender identity or sexual orientation.  

And in fact, the Azure Order are, thus far in the campaign, the only large-scale group that have been depicted as both:
a) unquestionably the good guys (their mission being to protect the weak and outcasts and oppose evil in all its forms)
b) at the same time actually both competent and powerful.  There's a reason the PCs have taken to hanging out with them; from what they've seen so far of a shitty post-apocalyptic fantasy world, the Azure Order are a shining light, even if things occasionally get a little "Portlandia" with them.


(originally posted June 12, 2014)
Title: DCC Campaign Log
Post by: RPGPundit on July 03, 2015, 02:18:09 AM
DCC Campaign Update

In this week's adventure the PCs went on a long overland trek to:

-Find the Gemstone River, where nary a gemstone was found.

-Bypass the Smug Elves' dome.

-Burn a magical feather-boat, to magically create a boat that was slightly too large to navigate the river.

-Find that in spite of not being programmed for aquatic service, Bolt-O the robot makes a decent gondolier.

-Float past a purple-mutant barbarian village to an unfriendly reception.

-Leave the purple mutants confused as to whether a boat with a cloud of darkness was actually a demon or not.

-Discover that at least one purple mutant wanted to cast magic missile at the darkness, but could not, because he was not a wizard.

-Encounter a living tree (a "Trent"), who collected potions.

-Discover that apparently all Trents enjoy collecting curios of some sort or another.

-Realize that camping outside the boat runs the risk of Kobold marauders trying to steal your boat in the night.

-Get some serious Divine Aid overkill when G.O.D. turned a significant part of the river to a block of solid ice to "make sure the kobolds couldn't get away".

-Learn that being stuck in a block of slowly-melting ice for much of the day leaves you vulnerable to a massive orc attack.

-Note that casting darkness on your boat may confuse purple mutants, but does nothing to dissuade orcs.

-Find that at least one orc wanted to cast magic missile at the darkness, and was indeed a wizard, but could not, because he took a arrow through the heart (from Uhm, the Psychic Red Mutant Caveman) before he could pull it off.

-Nod with wisdom at how what Divine Aid causes, Divine Aid can cure.

-Realize that "scorching ray" does not do well against drenched orcs.

-Leave behind a perfectly good boat when the river turns.

-Note with confusion that the "wasted lands" are actually a fairly lush verdant plain.

-Learn that the "wasted lands" may be called that because of an overabundance of very hostile humanoids.

-Learn that on the other hand, its also possible that the "wasted lands" may be called that because of the preferred vices of the Beach Giant Chiefs.

-Take zoological record of the fact that Imp Familiars are a favored food of Giant Prarie Owls.

-Encounter a particularly tough horde of dog-faced humanoids.

-Discover that when imploring G.O.D., a "burn the heretics" mentality seems more effective than a "help me to show them the righteous path" mentality.

-Finally reach the Bungalow of the Beach Giant Chiefs, only to have to pause there, with almost a month to wait until the next session. Damn.


(June 26, 2014)
Title: DCC Campaign Log
Post by: RPGPundit on July 22, 2015, 06:42:13 PM
DCC Campaign Update.. Sort Of

So this is not technically an update of my DCC campaign, because we didn't play this weekend.  Instead, on Sunday I went off to a special gaming con being put together (as part of a larger series of youth events this winter vacation) by the Montevideo city government.  "", the local gaming forum, had helped co-ordinate it, and I was invited to run a game; since I always like helping 2d4orcos out, I agreed.  

I had kind of forgotten that this was going to take place the weekend after the release of 5e D&D. As it turns out, it was quite the experience; the adulation I got from some of the gamers there was pretty awesome, I have to admit.  It was also awesome that I was running DCC, and over at the table next to mine they were playing Lords of Olympus (which has become very popular in Uruguay).

But anyways, we played with a group of five: one was a gaming veteran, the other four relative newbies, a group of four friends in their late teens who had each played an RPG between 0-3 times. None had ever played an Old School RPG before (in fact, only one had ever played D&D).

In this adventure, our intrepid Substitute Heroes learned that:

-Among the mutant villages of the Tangled Forest, a Mud-raker earns more than either a baker or a gaucho, but not as much as a con artist.

-No one trusts the Transparent Mutants.

-The forest is littered with the ruins of the Great Neutral Kingdom, who were too indecisive to stop the onslaught of the forces of Law and/or Chaos.

-The Triangle Mutants are too caught up in their war with the Square mutants to give a crap about figuring out what monstrosity came out of the ancient ruins to massacre the Stick Mutants.

-Cannibal Riverweed is nothing to trifle with.

-On the other hand, cannibal riverweed looks like a walk in the park compared to a Vicious Giant Wiener Dog.

-When your best warrior has a crippling phobia of bright lights, it's not a good idea to cast spells that mercurially involve flashes of bright light; especially if said warrior is the only thing standing between you and a giant killer wiener-dog.

-When exploring the ruined metal temples of the Ancients, it's not necessarily a good idea to press a bunch of buttons on any old panel you come across.

-Killer robots come in Square and Triangular forms... coincidence? Probably not.

-When a single level-1 warrior is the last man standing against a killer robot, making use of the ruins' automated traps can be a life-saving (and adventure-defining) moment.

-Unfortunately, finding a big locker full of still-viable Ancient Tech is not worth that much when one of your mutants doesn't have the wherewithal to estimate the blast radius of an ancient incendiary grenade.

At the end of the day, the body count was 4 dead out of a total of 7 characters made.  The PCs killed a patch of killer Riverweed, a Giant Wiener Dog, and two evil Robots. The successfully avoided getting into fights with either the Triangle or the Square mutants. Everyone had a grand time.


(July 9, 2014)
Title: DCC Campaign Log
Post by: RPGPundit on July 22, 2015, 06:42:14 PM
DCC Campaign Update.. Sort Of

So this is not technically an update of my DCC campaign, because we didn't play this weekend.  Instead, on Sunday I went off to a special gaming con being put together (as part of a larger series of youth events this winter vacation) by the Montevideo city government.  "", the local gaming forum, had helped co-ordinate it, and I was invited to run a game; since I always like helping 2d4orcos out, I agreed.  

I had kind of forgotten that this was going to take place the weekend after the release of 5e D&D. As it turns out, it was quite the experience; the adulation I got from some of the gamers there was pretty awesome, I have to admit.  It was also awesome that I was running DCC, and over at the table next to mine they were playing Lords of Olympus (which has become very popular in Uruguay).

But anyways, we played with a group of five: one was a gaming veteran, the other four relative newbies, a group of four friends in their late teens who had each played an RPG between 0-3 times. None had ever played an Old School RPG before (in fact, only one had ever played D&D).

In this adventure, our intrepid Substitute Heroes learned that:

-Among the mutant villages of the Tangled Forest, a Mud-raker earns more than either a baker or a gaucho, but not as much as a con artist.

-No one trusts the Transparent Mutants.

-The forest is littered with the ruins of the Great Neutral Kingdom, who were too indecisive to stop the onslaught of the forces of Law and/or Chaos.

-The Triangle Mutants are too caught up in their war with the Square mutants to give a crap about figuring out what monstrosity came out of the ancient ruins to massacre the Stick Mutants.

-Cannibal Riverweed is nothing to trifle with.

-On the other hand, cannibal riverweed looks like a walk in the park compared to a Vicious Giant Wiener Dog.

-When your best warrior has a crippling phobia of bright lights, it's not a good idea to cast spells that mercurially involve flashes of bright light; especially if said warrior is the only thing standing between you and a giant killer wiener-dog.

-When exploring the ruined metal temples of the Ancients, it's not necessarily a good idea to press a bunch of buttons on any old panel you come across.

-Killer robots come in Square and Triangular forms... coincidence? Probably not.

-When a single level-1 warrior is the last man standing against a killer robot, making use of the ruins' automated traps can be a life-saving (and adventure-defining) moment.

-Unfortunately, finding a big locker full of still-viable Ancient Tech is not worth that much when one of your mutants doesn't have the wherewithal to estimate the blast radius of an ancient incendiary grenade.

At the end of the day, the body count was 4 dead out of a total of 7 characters made.  The PCs killed a patch of killer Riverweed, a Giant Wiener Dog, and two evil Robots. The successfully avoided getting into fights with either the Triangle or the Square mutants. Everyone had a grand time.


(July 9, 2014)
Title: DCC Campaign Log
Post by: RPGPundit on July 27, 2015, 01:57:40 AM
DCC Campaign Archive Update

In this weekend's adventure, continuing the quest to burn down the Bungalow of the Beach Giant Chiefs, the PCs spent the night:

-Trying to answer the question "where do Beach Giants poop"?

-Playing the waiting game, when they found the answer to the above, for several hours of staking out the local shit-hole in order to ambush Beach Giants one or two at a time.

-Coming to terms with the fact that, while they always knew being a Cleric was a "dirty job", it was never quite so literal as when the group's Iron Cleric decided to hide IN the oversized latrine-hole to get maximum benefit from a surprise attack, when Beach Giants are.. shall we say, at their most vulnerable.

-Feeling a bit of an "are we the baddies?" moment about having to destroy the Beach Giants' home just to fulfill the whim of a crazy old adventurer

-Feeling quite a bit less bad when they figure out that the cause of frequent latrine-visits among the Beach Giants is due to eating poorly-cooked human.

-Eventually figuring out the latrine-goers are starting to be missed, and choosing instead to find out just how much Beach Giants value their surfboards.

-Trying to beat a hasty retreat when the entire population of the Bungalow of the Beach Giant Chiefs comes at them with a vengeance for burning down their surf-shack.

-Uncovering the interesting fact of the Beach Giants' diplomatic ties to the Stoner Giants and the Cloudy Giants. Also, apparently, to the Bears.

-Confirming that the Stoner Giants are in fact made out of stone, but that's not why they're called "Stoner" Giants.

-Further discovering that the cloud that surrounds a Cloudy Giant is not water vapour, but more of a 'purple haze'.

-Learning that if you get your patron Tiamat to summon you a local dragon, and that dragon turns out to be a Puff-magic Dragon, it's not going to be of much use to you in the mission.

-Deciding that if you want to tear the roof off a giant bungalow and set it ablaze from within, it may be best to just roll up your Draconically-transformed sleeves and do it yourself.

-Getting stuck after the mission is completed, partly due to having to rescue two of your team-mates (one the victim of underestimating the maximum possible range of a giant's boulder; the other staying up after a direct hit from a portable ballista, only to be dropped by yet another rock), but mainly because they found out that most of the Giant's treasure can be found in the cave complex under the burnt ruins of the bungalow.

-Discovering, after Charming the Orc messenger sent to discuss hostage negotiations, that the Orcs are completely sick of the Beach Giants, and there may be an entire rebel tribe of Orcs down there too.

And that was it for this session; stay tuned for the next part in a couple of weeks.


(23 July 2014)
Title: DCC Campaign Log
Post by: RPGPundit on August 03, 2015, 01:56:41 AM
DCC Campaign Update: Now With More Eye-Tyrants!

In this week's very special episode, the gang learned some important lessons:

-Large manufacturing robots who can't modulate the volume of their voice make very lousy "disguised" trees.

-There are times when you should just quit while the quitting is good; and when you've rescued your captured wizard and have dozens and dozens of Beach Giants hunting for you, that's one of those times.

-Anthraz the Destroyer did not die of old age while the PC party was away, but it really could have gone either way.

-Before you get to go on a trans-dimensional adventure with Anthraz the Destroyer, you have to repair his fence.  In exchange, you will get a shiny gold piece and a rambling grandpa-lecture about thrift.

-Pretty well all portals to the 9th dimensional "Grey Realms" are really odd, but entering the side of a cow to cross over takes it to a whole new level.

-You never know when, while in the 9th dimension, a serious knowledge of "Glee" trivia might come in handy.

-Queen Priscilla of the Grey Realms tries to act like a high-school teenie-bopper (inasmuch as a huge grey blob-creature can do so), but she's been on the throne for at least 35 years.

-If Queen Priscilla had a massive crush on your dead twin brother, that may open some doors.

-On the other hand, if she's really more interested in everyone feeling sorry for (and paying attention to) her for having a "dead boyfriend", suggesting that you might be able to bring him back to life is not going to get you far.

-It shouldn't surprise anyone that Queen Priscilla doesn't feel she has to actually embrace any active religious devotion to G.O.D., or strive to become a better person in general, because she already "feels" she's "like totally really spiritual".

-You can try to reason with 9th-dimensional grey blob people at a Bereavement Prom as long as you like, but the second the tricentenarian warrior in power armor blows DJ Jazzy Blob straight to hell, conversation time is over.

-If you put two really really old semi-retired adventurers together, the sexism and the complaining-about-kids-today levels are likely to get pretty high.

-Why would the world's most powerful cleric, and therefore greatest healer, be nearly deaf?  Stubborn refusal to acknowledge reality.

-Arkhome was no jewel of a city when the PCs actually lived there, but after they left it really went to shit.

-is it advisable to leave the rest of your party to go look for your old stuff and your former dealer, when there's an army of thousands of Eco-Ogres and Eye Tyrants about to destroy the city?  Probably not, but it is hilarious.

-Wizard + Eye Tyrant + Spell Duel + Phlogiston Disturbance = Awesome.

-Sometimes you get an Amulet of Extra Life just in time.

-Rings of Invisibility are awesome, but Rings of Invisibility that mean you're being constantly stared at (and heckled by) the ZZasZZ, the Dark Lord of the North, can get annoying really fast.

-In the middle of an apocalyptic Eye Tyrant invasion, the safest place in town to be is Bob Shoggoth's Head Shop.

-If you serve a demon who rebelled against G.O.D., casting Invoke Patron within a sacred altar space of G.O.D. isn't a good idea for anyone.

-For the greatest Cleric who ever lived, using the Wrath of G.O.D. to blast thousands of Eye Tyrants straight to hell is no problem; it's avoiding being backstabbed right through the throat by a Halconlord Assassin that's difficult.

-Duke Halcon's second-in-command, "The Thrush", is a top-notch assassin, but even he can take only so many magic missiles.

-An Eye Tyrant shunted into another plane by a phlogiston disturbance is not a problem you can just forget about indefinitely.

-For the greatest Cleric who ever lived, surviving being stabbed through the throat by the Thrush is no problem; it's avoiding being disintegrated by an Eye Tyrant beam that's difficult.

-G.O.D.'s ways are beyond mortal ken; but at the end of the day, in this kind of world, if you've managed to stop ONE (of countless) world-threatening evils, you have to call it a job well done.

(august 5, 2014)
Title: DCC Campaign Log
Post by: RPGPundit on August 11, 2015, 04:05:45 AM
DCC Campaign Update: GOLDEATER! (and the Derpy Horse of Destiny)

In this weeks fun-soaked adventure, the PCs were shocked by the fact that:

-Bolto the Conversation-loving Robot makes an awful barista.

-the airing of 'Matlock' would lead the world's greatest and oldest human adventurer to use a Cracker of Wishing to get them back to his palace on time.

-the defeat of the Eye Tyrants but not the Halconlords (and their guiding daemon Zargon) would end up ruining a far-too-intricate-to-work plan on the part of Sezrekan.

-the Demon Zzaszz was perilously close to capturing the Derpy Horse of Destiny in order to ritually sacrifice it and thus finally be able to transcend the Qlippothic breach to take on material form in the world, and conquer it.

-the Derpy Horse of Destiny was recently spotted somewhere in the Great Furry Plains.

-if the plan to have the Eye Tyrants and Halconlords mutually destroy each other doesn't work, one can always try to enact a plan to get the Halconlords and the Demon Zzaszz destroy each other.

-ancient burial mounds are a dangerous place, if you believe a totally insane Transparent Mutant Druid.

-choosing to put a drug-dealing human together with a drug-smoking elf for the first watch of the night is generally a bad idea.

-if you are sufficiently stoned, a Sequester Alarm just sounds like an annoying buzzing noise in your head.

-the Lumpy-Brown Mutants are vassals of the Gold Mutants of the Grand City of Goldhalcon, which may or may not have anything to do with the Halconlords, it's not clear.

-Goldhalcon is ruled by Goldeater, the criminal mastermind.

-Gold mutants literally eat gold to become more powerful.  Goldeater has apparently eaten a LOT of gold in his long lifespan.

-Goldeater also has a Council of Seven-and-a-Half Wizards, a dangerous bodyguard named Mr.Shin who has a deadly cravat; plus lasers, land-sharks, land-sharks with lasers attached to their heads, a semi-secret Volcano Bunker hideout just outside the city, control over Orbital Death Satellites, a plan to extort "One Million gold pieces!" from the neighbouring kingdoms, and a sensible and progressive municipal gun control policy.

-Goldeater also has a potentially-copyright-infringing theme song.

-Goldeater is, in spite of all this, the 'good guy' compared to the Demon Zzaszz.

-the Great Furry Plains is apparently populated by tribes of people who like to dress up as animals.

-the Capricorn Village, found on the plains, is a friendly community full of people who like to dress up as goats, rams, sheep, and one gorilla that may actually just be a real gorilla.

-Gold Mutant teamsters, in spite of working for a notoriously murderous criminal mastermind, are still really lazy.

-the Demon Zzaszz has sent not one but two of his Wraith Princes to capture the Derpy Horse of Destiny.

-there's also an elite team of Halconlord Assassins heading to the increasingly crowded Great Furry Plains.

-the Derpy Horse of Destiny is the descendant of the primordial horse king, pure-bred to maintain all of his ancestor's magical power, and thus hopeless inbred. He wanders the last world seeking to bring joy and do good deeds for all living beings and leaving a trail of destruction in his wake.

-the Derpy Horse of Destiny, in spite of being protected by the forces of destiny and the ebb and flow of fortune and misfortune, can be captured by sufficiently powerful spell checks.

-astonishingly, a group of lollygagging teamsters taken by surprise are absolutely no match for an equal number of highly trained Halconlord assassins.

-likewise, a team of veteran Gold Mutant soldier-goons are no match for a Wraith Prince.  

-on the other hand, a Wraith Prince is no match for a sufficiently powerful gender-bending magic missile.

-when figuring out what to do with a derpy magic horse, it's a bad idea to totally forget that there was a second Wraith Prince in the vicinity.

-at the end of the day, no matter how lovable and lucky a Derpy Horse of Destiny may be, no amount of derping around can save it from Sezrekan getting what Sezrekan wants.

-unbeknownst to almost anyone, recently deceased Derpy Horses lay eggs.


(august 21, 2014)
Title: DCC Campaign Log
Post by: RPGPundit on August 15, 2015, 03:22:24 AM
DCC Campaign Update

Today, the PCs were forced to confront:

-the inter-dimensional unfathomable terror of having your drug dealer, who happens to be a Shoggoth with a fondness for reggae, send out a distress message in your fever-dreams revealing he's been kidnapped.

-the bizarre consequences of having your very being touched by a thing man was Not Meant to Know, much less get weed from.

-The realization that the first stage of shoggoth-touched madness is having your farts shoot acid.

-The news that Bob Shoggoth has apparently been kidnapped by a long-vanished order of elven ultra-tech knights.

-The curious fact that humans who smoke Shoggoth-weed will become mutants; while elves who smoke Shoggoth-weed suffer from a much weirder fate.

-The urgency of the need to go rescue him, once a tentacle-eyestalk that is not your own begins to emerge from your ass.

-the further greed-motivation that emerges on learning that Bob Shoggoth knows the hidden location of a mint-condition GCM-L Pythian Power Armor complete with Jet Pack and Butt-Rocket accessories.

-The return of the Smug Elves of the Silver Dome, mistakenly attacking the PCs while looking for the Pythian Knights.

-The increasing seriousness of the situation when the tentacle-eyestalk thing in your posterior grows a mouth and starts to sing Tiny Tim songs... and later vomits vanilla ice-cream.

-(the troubling OOC RL development that the mention of 'ice-cream' leads all the players to want to go get some ice cream, in spite of the in-game ice cream coming out of a tentacle-thing lodged in the elf PC's ass).

-The unchanging crapulence of the everyone-hating Purple Mutants of Cordallen.

-The tragic destruction-by-fire of the tentacle-eyestalk tiny-tim-singing ice-cream-spewing mythos-butt-monster, just when the elf was starting to like having it around.

-The somber realization that said destruction was probably for the best, as the tentacle-thing kept getting bigger and more elaborate, and that whole situation was heading towards nowhere good.

-The entry into the humanoid Badlands, en route to Yeti Country.

-The long-awaited thrilling encounter with the Pythian Knight kidnappers of Bob Shoggoth.

-The strong suspicion, upon noticing the presence of fake-elf-ears and patchwork-armors, that the kidnappers are not so much "Pythian Knights" as they are a "Pythian Knight Cosplayer Society".

-The confirmation of said suspicion when they spot that one cosplayer found in every group of cosplayers who REALLY isn't even trying; in this case, having just put a box over his torso with the word "pythian" written on it, and not even written in Elvish.

-The dark decision to kill most of them anyways, except for 'box guy' and "guy armed with a stick he's pretending is a wand of lightning bolt".

-The inevitable inter-player fight over who gets to loot the least-shitty of the pythian armors.

-The rescue of Bob Shoggoth, and unanimous decision to carry on in search of the Pythian Power Armor.


(september 7, 2014)
Title: DCC Campaign Log
Post by: RPGPundit on September 24, 2015, 09:44:23 PM
DCC Campaign Update: Giant Weasels Ripped Their Flesh

In This Adventure, the PCs haphazardly dashed into:

-A group of prisoners of the Pythian Knight Cosplay Society, who had no choice but to join the party as retainers.

-One of those prisoners, who happened to be a purple mutant with a bag of seriously hallucinogenic mushrooms.

-A crazy series of trans-dimensional effects that seemingly wiped out half the party, all because Bob Shoggoth got high on the shrooms.

-The accidental lobotomization of one of the brand new party members, for the same reason as above.

-An emergency retreat back to the Azure Tower, where the incredulous Azure Order mages were forced to confront the possibility of a "good Shoggoth" (not to mention a reggae-loving Rasta-Shoggoth).

-The annoyed conclusion of the Order that while Bob Shoggoth is not evil, he's not really 'good' either, and is definitely still dangerous.

-A second expedition in search of the Mint Condition Pythian Power Armor Suit (with jet-pack and butt-rockets).

-The in-hindsight-unfortunate decision not to invite along the one Shoggoth who knows the exact location of the Half-Sunken Temple where the Power Armor is located.

-The decision to avoid the Humanoid Badlands (and the purple mutant territory) by cutting across the forest toward the Fur Bay.

-The tragic confirmation that two-headed grass-snakes are in fact very poisonous, ruining what could have been a potentially lucrative setup for creating a hallucinogenic-mushroom business.

-The discovery that the "Fur Bay" is not named that way because of fur-trading, nor because it is populated by furries (like the "Great Furry Plains") but because it is a deeply polluted body of mutagenic water that is nearly covered in an fur-like green algae.

-Having to cope with the fact that they live in a world where there's actually a town called "Badbreath".

-Having to further cope with the fact that this town is ruled over by a guy literally named Lord Dread, who rules from Castle Dread.

-The not-entirely-surprising revelation that Lord Dread is in fact a mustache-twirling dressed-all-in-black would-be villain with a stupid plan to united the badland humanoids under his command to take over the entire region.

-The useful but untimely discovery that hallucinogenic mushrooms are lethally toxic to goblins.

-A surprisingly friendly entente with Lord Dread.

-Moving on from Castle Dread to the town of Highbay.

-The not-entirely-surprising confirmation that Highbay is so named not because it is at some kind of position of geographical altitude, but because it is an important mercantile port for the illicit-drug trade.

-Discovering that Highbay is no peaceful dirty-hippie town; though it is full of peaceful dirty hippies, the actual people in command are all very sober, well-armed, and ruthless businessmen.

-The taking of heavy amounts of mushrooms to try to contact Bob Shoggoth, unsuccessfully, while ending up in a compromising situation with a pair of grey mutant courtesans and a blue mutant midget pretending to be an erotic halfling.

-Further explorations of similar levels of psychedelia, leading to waking up in possession of a holo-gaming device of unknown origin, a pirate hat, and a mysterious Bobblehead doll.

-A changed Elf, swearing to cut down on the drugs, and even the surprisingly wise decision not to try something called "assassin's weed".

-The shocking revelation that Bolt-O (the Conversation-Robot) has been commandeered by the city government to serve as an entertainment for the High Council.

-A bureaucratic maze in Highbay City Hall, as threatening as any dungeon; if said dungeon was non-lethal and incredibly annoying.

-The confirmation that serious amounts of cash being thrown at corrupt civil servants will cut right through the mazelike process.

-The by-now-not-surprising-at-all discovery that the "high council" are so named because they're all constantly high.

-The valuable illumination into the real power in charge of the city is the Chief City Officer of the Bureaucracy, who's never touched a drug in his life, aside from ale and rhinocerous blood.

-The tense negotiations with Chief City Officer Swanlee, which lead to Bolt-O being given a free choice as to whether he wishes to continue with the party or accept a civil service job (well-paid, with benefits) in Highbay.

-The disappointment of Bolt-O deciding he can have a life full of more interesting Conversations among the balls-tripping stoners of the High Council than he could continuing with the PCs.

-The departure from Highbay, knowing that they've lost a semi-valuable party member but gained a useful contact in local town government.

-The continued trek toward the Perverted Swamp, interrupted by a horrifying attack from vicious Giant Weasels.

-The death of two more newbie party members, Giant Weasels having ripped their flesh.

-The determination to hold fast and bunker down in the weasel plains, halfway between Highbay and the Perverted Swamp, while the elf spends 48 hours in constant and unwavering occult-theory-work in order to gain a bonus spell.

(september 17, 2014)
Title: DCC Campaign Log
Post by: RPGPundit on October 05, 2015, 04:22:04 AM
DCC campaign update: Inside The Perverted Swamp

In this week's Action-packed Adventure, the heroic PCs:

-camped out on the coastline and ran into the Pirates of the Furry Bay
-found out that with pirates, women are 'bad luck'
-found out that with pirates, humans are 'bad luck'
-found out that with pirates, elves are 'bad luck'
-found out that with pirates, just about everything is "Bad luck"
-decided to leave the pirates, as they were too ridiculous
-met 'Frenchie', the old grizzled gold mutant prospector; that is, a gold mutant who pans for gold, not a dude who prospects gold mutants.
-contracted Frenchie with the promise of as much gold as he could eat, if he'd guide them into the perverted swamp, past the dangerous and savage nudist mutants, and into the half-sunken temple.
-on entering the swamp, learned that nudist mutants look just like naked humans except for the little black bar with the word 'censored' floating in front of their junk.
-drove off dangerous nudist mutants by making a series of silly animal sounds.
-had a dangerous encounter with a giant swamp crocodile, after eating its eggs for breakfast.
-hightailed it to the Half-sunken Temple, chased by 200 nudist mutants.
-discovered that the temple was the only good place to take refuge from the horde of deadly nudist mutants; that's the good news.  The bad news is that the reason they don't dare enter is that it's supposed to be haunted.
-went in anyways, of course.
-left their horses outside right by the temple arch, knowing the mutants wouldn't dare come so near... that's true, but they did dare to throw a few hundred spears at the horses, killing them all.
-faced a knob-polishing robot.
-discovered that if you destroy a knob-polishing robot's knobs, he gets understandably pissed and goes on a kill-all-humans rampage.
-had a near-fatality from elven friendly-fire.
-saw the same elf then use his mighty power rings against the robot... to almost no effect.
-upon defeating the knob-polishing robot, spent several days in the haunted temple recovering.  
-assisted their recovery on discovering that a piece of loot they'd been carrying with them for ages was actually a mechanical jug that generates curative alcohol.
-proceeded to generate curative alcohol out of water, and then out of urine.  And when the urine ran out, they got really desperate and used their regular alcohol.
-found that curative alcohol certainly cures, but it also sure packs a punch.
-while recovering, had yet another near-fatality due to elven friendly-fire, when said elf went mad trying to contact his daemon patron.
-also witnessed said elf lose his elven ears (or in fact any ears, for that matter) to corruption, which the rest of the party thought was the very least the fucker deserved at that point after nearly killing two of his team-mates.
-found a room full of coins and bones.  They wisely chose not to proceed, especially after discovering a tentacled-wall-clinger.
-proceeded to burn said tentacled-wall-clinger to death.
-discovered a bronze door with an iron handle-claw.
-realized that the magic-user's weird mercurial effect wherein casting "Color Spray" causes the nearest iron object to rust would prove enormously useful to get past the door.
-exercised extreme caution in the tunnel full of shades.
-saw the elf use his mighty power rings against the shades... to enormous effect!
-found a sunken, partially flooded room, and no sign of the Mint Condition Pythian Power Armor Suit (with jet-pack and butt-rockets), that appeared to have been looted long ago.
-saw the group's magic-user fall down a drain trap while exploring said room!
-feared the magic-user's death, but in the underwater drain said magic-user made a lucky choice of where to swim, and found his way not only to breathable air, but to the REAL armor-room, complete with Mint Condition Pythian Power Armor Suit (with jet-pack and butt-rockets).
-while busy trying to catch up to the magic-user, had no idea that said magic-user had also encountered the Ghost of Great Bertha, previous owner of said power armor.  The magic-user wisely chose not to confront Great Bertha in single combat for the armor, particularly since said power armor was clearly designed with female proportions in mind, and the party's very tough female Warrior was on the way.
-made a tactical decision as a party upon arrival, to ignore Great Bertha's demands for single combat, and just slaughtered the ghost en-masse.
-obtained the Pythian power armor, finding it to have superlight maneuverability, jet pack, and high-explosive butt-rockets (though only 4 of the original 12 butt-rockets yet remain).  They also found the seal-attachment that grants defense against energy attacks.
-found a sword as well, which immediately took mental control of the surprisingly weak-willed magic user. But since the sword is a kick-ass Pythian Wizardbane sword with a dozen powers, no one seemed to mind much, not even the magic user.
-felt a little less certain, out-of-character, when they realized the sword is also as much of a dick as any elf (particularly an elf from the last great elven military empire), and wants to restore the world to "Law" (and by "law", it means a situation where elves run everything, and everyone else licks their boots).
-promptly Plane-stepped back home, leaving behind the dead horses and the hundreds of violent nudist mutants. They took Frenchie with them, though.


(october 4, 2014)
Title: DCC Campaign Log
Post by: RPGPundit on October 22, 2015, 05:42:10 PM
DCC Campaign Update: Bad Choices Edition

In this past adventure, the PCs unexpectedly encountered:

-a highly successful Phylactery Spell, only to have the elf who cast it left wondering where to safely put his new-made soul-crystal.

-the first of a series of bad choices, the elf handing over his phylactery to his ultra-powerful ultra-selfish archmage patron.  

-in the second in a series of bad choices, the other elf faking his way into the Azure Order.

-the order sending its newly-made member off to investigate reports of woodland animals acting in strange and violent ways, driving out the local mutant communities.

-An encounter with a frantic Brown Mutant, the last of his tribe not to have fled or died at the hands of the Crazy Forest Druid's army of woodland mammals, plus one duck.

-After brief initial skepticism, confirmation of the woodland terror when the party is set upon by a highly organized guerrilla assault from vicious Electro-Squirrels, even as the party's horses go out of control... well, their riders' control, at least.

-the frightening possibility of being total-party-killed by a bunch of squirrels.

-the one PC who fled the scene ending up facing a beret-wearing Revolutionary Bear.

-said PC fortunately remembering the old adage about playing dead when confronted with a bear.

-said PC unfortunately committing the third bad choice of the night, choosing to forget the prior adage to try to use Chill Touch, to little effect... other than being beaten unconscious by the guerrilla bear.

-the fortunate survival of the rest of the party, meanwhile, thanks to the timely application of the Pythian Sword's Sonic Blast.

-the group's luck running out when the party suffers a surprise attack from Ninja Badgers.

-in the fourth of a series of bad choices, the elf taking up the Pythian sword from the slain human wizard, the ultra intelligent mind-controlling sword that he already knew despised rogue Daemons and chaos wizards.

-said sword then manipulating the elf, through a freely-taken magical oath (in what constitutes bad choice of the night number 5) to try to go find and kill the elf's patron, a rogue daemon chaos wizard... the very same one that has the elf's soul in a gem.

-a planewalk to said patron's personal domain, in what might almost certainly have been a very fatal bad choice, were it not that the luckiest fumble of all time freed the elf just long enough for his Patron not to have to destroy him utterly.

-the patron granting forgiveness, in the most asshole-ish way possible, through a binding geas on his elf-servant, sending him on what may well be a suicide mission.  

-in relation to the same, the shocking news that the Daemon Mistress of All Dragons, Tiamat, is apparently mortally wounded in her own lair, assaulted by some powerful and terrible entity from the void beyond the limits of the universe.

-the geas mission, to be resolved as soon as possible (which is to say, after the Crazy Druid and his revolutionary army of Anarcho-Syndicalist Woodland Animals are defeated), consisting in destroying whatever attacked Tiamat... and then also destroying Tiamat.

-meanwhile, the other elf, now a prisoner (with a few others) of the Crazy Druid, finding that the Druid is controlling the woodland creatures through a strange and terrible mammal-controlling gem that he has had bio-implanted right into his chest.  

-noting that the duck, however, is not controlled (not being a mammal).  He is out to start a humanoid-animal apocalyptic war for his own sinister purposes.

-in the sixth really bad decision of the night, the prisoner-elf deciding to use his time to make a bond with a totally random patron.

-getting the Lord of All Flesh as said Patron, partly due to his membership in the azure order; which, it should be remembered, was done only as an opportunistic act of fraud.

-the rescue mission conducted by the Azure Order, where perhaps for the first time the PCs see what the Azure wizards are really capable of, with just a dozen of them taking on an entire army of vicious wolf shock troops, badger ninjas, beaver engineers, electro-squirrels, guerilla bears, and, of course, the Evil Duck.

-an epic escape from woodland custody, where salvation comes only when the Azure wizard Leandra (with the help of her sorcery, and her laser sword) takes down the Crazy Druid and shatters his hold over the forest animals.

-the apparently resolution of this week's crisis, with no one still alive having been left without at least some regrets.

-a shocking and terrifying denouement, after everyone thought all the horror was over, of a vicious night assault from the Evil Duck, who had survived his Druid ally's death and came after the PCs in a mission of vengeance.

-the conclusion that Ducks are the total assholes of the animal world.


(October 22, 2014)
Title: DCC Campaign Log
Post by: RPGPundit on November 01, 2015, 04:50:36 PM
DCC Campaign Update: What Happens in The Dragon Mountains...

In this adventure the PCs managed:

-to have both the Azure Order and Sezrekan very interested in discovering what has (perhaps mortally) wounded Tiamat, and left her followers driven mad.

-to spend a couple of hours dicking each other around because the Sezrekan dude doesn't want to tell what he knows to the Azure Order dude, and vice versa.

-to discover that you can get your leather armor dyed in exchange for a reading from the Dwarven Book of Complaints.  As long as it's dyed yellow.  And you probably don't want to know how it's dyed yellow.

-to decide that they will go to Arkhome to seek out Bob Shoggoth and learn more about what has mortally wounded Tiamat, to the satisfaction of almost no one (except the Elf).

-to find Arkhome even more of a shit-hole than the last time they left it.

-to teleport to a level that was supposed to be abandoned (in the old days) but now (in the newer, shittier Arkhome) is the swamp-temple of the Frog Daemon.  

-to get there right in the middle of a ritual of human sacrifice.

-to bravely fight off the cultists, and then fight their way all the way up to the boundary line between the warring gangs of the Frog Cultists and the Halconlords.

-to identify themselves to the Halconlord guards as the party of Bill the Elf, one of the brave heroes who a year-and-a-half ago saved Arkhome from the Eye Tyrants.

-to discover they did so only to have the Halconlords remember how two years ago Bill the Elf was one of those who intruded in their secret base, stole their hostages, and ruined their plans to end the gang war and take the whole city.  Also, how a year-and-a-half ago Bill the Elf's party were the ones who killed The Thrush, second-in-command of the Halconlords.

-to have to bravely flee the Halconlords to the relative safety of the Frog Cultist levels.

-to end up in a frantic running fight (one that almost kills half the party) all the way down the cultist levels of the Snail Tower, out into the canyon-bottom level of Arkhome (formerly known as the Barrens, but now known as, they discover, the Cannibal Vine Swamp), and just barely make it to the Cathedral Tower.

-to end up the prisoners of the Snake Witch, whose gang has returned from being almost wiped-out to taking terrible revenge on Queen Booboo and her halflings, retaking the Cathedral and slaughtering every last halfling in Snake Witch territory.

-to find that the Snake Witch, having Tiamat as her patron, has also gone mad.

-to drive Bill the Elf to the point that he couldn't take it any longer, and returned to his former wacky-weed-using ways, to reach Bob Shoggoth.

-to discover, through Bob (or a drug-filled haze resembling Bob), that it is something called the "Egg Beyond" that has entered this world, and struck down Tiamat, and that it threatens to crack open the entire world. That it ate the stars of the universe a million years ago and now hungers to finally devour the Last Sun in this, the one world the Ancient Ones preserved.

-to express a determination to do whatever they can to stop this Egg Beyond, and the end of all life outside the dark eternal Void outside the universe.

-to feel dismay at Bob Shoggoth not liking their chances.

-to contact Sezerkan, only to have the latter decide he's sick of the PC's lollygagging around Arkhome and teleport the whole party to the Dragon Mountains, near (but not too near) the lair of Tiamat, Queen/King of Dragons, now dying.

-to have Bill the Elf continue to keep secrets from the party, much to their confusion.

-to have the other Elf (Rick, sometimes known as Rickandra for purely mercenary reasons) decide in that confusion to contact his new patron, the Lord of All Flesh.

-to realize the depths of slimy perviness of the Lord of All Flesh, as if the name alone was not hint enough.

-to make a really bad deal with the Lord of All Flesh.

-to have the entire party (minus their guide Frenchie the Gold Mutant, the only character who saved his Will roll) black out to discover the next day that they'd had some kind of demented orgy they thankfully have no recollection of.

-to agree that what happens in the Dragon Mountains, stays in the Dragon Mountains.

-to discover that Frenchie is nowhere to be found, having apparently fled in terror and/or disgust.

-to press on toward Tiamat's lair, only to discover a band of 12 dwarves on a quest to slay the dragon and take its treasure to fund the recovery of their lost homeland; led by none other than Prince Bongo, son of Bong (who was slain when he attempted the same quest a generation ago, as was his father before him, and his grandfather and great-grandfather before him).

-to find these dwarves seriously equipped, with their chain mail and traditional Battle Axes, as well as their traditional Monofilament Whips, Missile Launchers, land mines, Magnetic Grenades, and Blaster Rifles.

-to encounter a Mountain Giant in the middle of the night, maddened and mutated by some thing from beyond, powerful enough to barely be scratched by a land mine, and to snap a Red Mutant Caveman-Psychic's leg like it was a twig.

-to fortunately manage to scare off the Mountain Giant with traditional elven magic, and to save the Red Mutant Psychic Caveman with traditional dwarven medibots and nanostims.

-to reach the Great Dragon Mountain, and thus the gateway to Tiamat's Lair, and a confrontation to come with the Egg Beyond.


(October 29, 2014)
Title: DCC Campaign Log
Post by: RPGPundit on November 05, 2015, 01:08:24 AM
DCC Campaign: The Ten Blades of the Company of Ten Blades

(note: this relates to some material for the campaign that hasn't actually shown up yet in the campaign, so if you're playing in my DCC campaign and you read this, beware of spoilers!)

The following are all blades which were used by a great band of adventurers who were legendary in the region around Goldhalcon some 500 years ago.  Until they were all slaughtered by the gargantuan dragon Bashaphat, they were legendary for their adventuring, and for all having awesome magic weapons. Today the swords are presumed to be found in the petrified corpse of Bashaphat, somewhere in the area of the Ominous Range.

1. The Shattered Sword of Alhayad
This is a +2 Longsword (neutral alignment, intelligence 7), which was broken in the battle with Bashaphat.  Even broken it still does 1d6 damage with a +2 bonus to hit and damage; its intellect is dormant while broken. If it were to be repaired somehow, it would awaken the sword's spirit, and the weapon would do an extra +2/+2 versus any non-neutral beings, and an extra d10 damage against outsiders of any kind, be they archons of G.O.D., rebel daemons, or beings from the Void Beyond.  The sword, when awake, will also do 2hp damage per round to the wielder if the wielder is not Neutral.
Unfortunately, the Shattered Sword is cursed to be broken again; any time the sword gets a critical hit, there is a 1/6 chance that the sword will shatter; if it does so, the creature struck must make a DC22 Fortitude save or die instantly as the sword breaks.

2. The Switchblade of Vinnie the Elf
A retractable techno-magical weapon, activated by the use of a switch on the handle, the weapon has three settings: dagger, rapier, or comb.  In dagger form it does 1d4+1 and has the quality of returning to the hand when thrown.  As a rapier, it does 1d6+1 and grants a +1 to the wielder's AC while using it.  As a comb, it will with a single brush give the wielder and impeccable pompadour.

3.  The Oranganium Sword
Made from rare Oranganium, this orange-coloured short sword grants +1 to hit and damage. It also grants any wielder with an Intelligence of 8 or higher the ability to detect the presence of any mutants or goblinoids within 500', and the ability to see invisible creatures within 50'. Use of either power requires light concentration (it does not happen automatically, but as long as the wielder is actively using the power he may still take other actions regularly).

4. The Mother of Blades
Crafted by the finest Pythian Engineers, this weapon contains a molecular-level monofilament in the edge.  It is a long sword with a +1 bonus to hit and to damage but it completely ignores any protection from non-magical armor. Anyone being attacked by the blade will count as having AC 10 plus/minus agility modifier, plus any magical bonuses from spells or defensive items (so for example, an opponent in +3 Plate armor with a 0 agility modifier would count as having AC13).

5. The Crappy Dagger of Ugbo Spleeneater
A crude-looking dagger of primitive halfling construction, this dagger grants +1 to hit and damage. However, any creature struck by the dagger must make a fortitude save vs. DC14 or void their bowels.  The intensity of this sudden expulsion will give the victim of the attack a -1 penalty to attacks, AC, and saving throws for the next 1d10 minutes.  Every subsequent time the victim is struck by the dagger, they will continue to have horrific colon spasms which will given another cumulative -1 penalty.  This dagger also enhances its wielder's sense of smell (granting a +4 bonus to any detection roll based on sense of smell while wielding the dagger).  The dagger is chaotic and has an intelligence of 7, and being of halfling sorcery, it will dominate any wielder of lesser intelligence and fill them with an irresistible desire to eat the flesh of their slain enemies as is halfling tradition.

6. The Not So Wee Bonnie Claymore of Angus Mac Bastard
This two-handed sword grants a +1 to hit and to damage.  In the hands of a chaos-aligned warrior it grants an extra +2 to hit and damage on any attack where the warrior makes a full running charge against his opponent.  This sword also grants the wielder the power to speak and understand the Scot Man language.

7. The Absurdly Over-sized Battle Axe of Borquart Son of Botox
This Dwarf weapon is a two-handed axe of immense size, to the point of being inconvenient.  It can only be effectively used at all by someone who has a strength of 16 or higher, and if they have less than 18 strength they will only be able to use it with a one-step reduction in the action dice rolled to hit (so a d20 attack roll would be reduced to a d16 attack roll); it will also reduce the wielder's initiative die by two steps.  
The Axe does 1d10 base damage, and has a +1 bonus to hit and to damage.  However, in the hands of a worthy dwarf warrior it will be usable for mighty deeds of arms to shatter any non-magical objects of glass, crystal, wood, metal or stone.  In the case of any large object (a wall, for example, or a robot), such mighty blows will do 4d10+4 damage (plus the wielder's strength bonus).  It will even be able to break magical objects of the above materials if the roll on the deed die was a 6 or higher.

8. The Sword of Singular Purpose
This +1 long sword was said to have been forged by the Ancient Ones themselves, to serve a great purpose at a precise moment of immeasurable importance.  It functions in all respects as an ordinary +1 long sword; but the legend holds that one day one shall wield it at that particular moment of destiny and then this sword, and only this sword, will have the power to strike down a great evil.  Of course, some speculate that given that the Ancients have completely vanished and the world has been a complete disaster for ten millennia, it may be possible that the apocalypse-avoiding opportunity for which the sword was forged was in fact unfortunately missed.

9. Grammaslayer
A dagger originally made for a particularly disgusting halfling rogue, this chaotic weapon (int 6) does +1 to hit and damage, but does double its usual damage against anyone over 65 years of age (note that the weapon is quite literal, it doesn't care about species, so it will do double damage to a 66+ year old human, or elf, or dragon, or immortal demon, etc.). It provides 60' infravision to the wielder.  If wielded by someone with less than the sword's own intelligence, the weapon will control the wielder and turn them toward the wanton murder and robbery of the weak and helpless at any viable opportunity (with "viable" not always meaning truly good odds of avoiding discovery, as the dagger itself is not that bright).

10. The Loreblade
Created by the human wizard Phellion at the time that Arkhome was ruled by the Techno-Minotaur, the Loreblade is said to be the most intelligent blade ever forged.  It is Lawful and has an intelligence of 18, and is capable of speech and telepathy.  It functions as a +1 Long Sword, but also has the quality of precision strikes (granting it an addition +3 to hit against any armored opponent).  It also grants +2 to the wielder's armor class.  On a critical hit, the Loreblade will also do 1d6 extra damage against an opponent in addition to any other result. The Loreblade can detect invisible creatures within 50', detect gold within 30', detect sloping passages to 100', read and understand most common languages (only the most obscure would likely to be unfamiliar to the blade), understand most maps at will, and is familiar with a great deal of knowledge of ancient history as well as lore about races and magical items: the sword has a +6 bonus on a d20 roll to know any piece of lore on any of those matters (and any others that the GM feels appropriate); but it should be noted that all of its information is now at least 500 years out of date, and it will know nothing about any recent events or developments from the past five centuries that it has been languishing in the petrified husk of a great wyrm.  
The Loreblade will generally co-operate only with someone of lawful alignment (refusing to use any of its powers for neutral or chaotic beings, for whom the sword will only act as an ordinary +1 long sword), and as it considers itself smarter than just about anyone who ever wields it, will have no compunctions about trying to manipulate or mentally control its wielder to do what the Loreblade thinks is best. The Loreblade's agenda will always be to attempt to rebuild civilization and create an enlightened society of lawful benign-despots (under the sword's direction, of course) that will establish peace and prosperity through power and spread its civilizing influence to the whole of the world, finally ending the long dark age.


Currently Smoking: Winslow Crown Cutty + C&D's Crowley's Best

(November 4 ,2014)
Title: DCC Campaign Log
Post by: RPGPundit on November 17, 2015, 11:41:24 PM
DCC Campaign Log: Eat, Pray, Save Vs. Dragon Breath

In this week's adventure, the PCs found:

-that dwarves have a very serious obsession with entering cave complexes from the back entrance.

-that apparently, there's a novel based on an encounter with Tiamat entitled "Eat, Pray, Save vs. Dragon Breath"

-that the lair of the most powerful dragon in the world also features what is quite possibly the largest pile of dragon dung in the world.

-that dwarves are not particularly good at sneaking around in deep caverns.

-that any possibility of entering a cave complex without alerting its inhabitants goes out the window when you have a bakers-dozen of dwarf warriors who insist on bickering at full volume.

-that any remaining scrap of possibility of being undetected by every denizen in the greater cave complex area will go entirely out the window once the dwarves deploy their rocket launcher.

-that not all superintelligent Fungus creatures are hostile.

-that non-hostile superintelligent Fungus creatures do, however, speak with the silliest speech impediment ever.

-that the Egg Beyond has not only broken through the Ancient Ones' barrier-seal containing the last remnant of the universe, but that it has also brought Cosplayers with it.

-that sometimes it's harder to communicate with extra-universal catgirl cosplayers than with superintelligent Fungus Creatures.

-that superintelligent Fungus Creatures are psychic, and thus make excellent translators.

-that Extra-universal Catgirl Cosplayers are ridiculously annoying.

-that if you're clever, you can sometimes avoid having to fight primitive Troglodytes.

-that even if you're clever, you can't always avoid having to slaughter a horde of Tiamat cultists and their Dragonmen allies. But if you're clever in how you go about it, it can be a lot easier than it looks... especially if you have dwarven magnetic grenades.

-that Tiamat is obviously very badly damaged by his/her encounter with the Egg Beyond.

-that nevertheless, it might be a challenge to kill Tiamat when he/she is surrounded by a small army of cultists, dragonmen, wizards and troglodyte shamans.

-that magically sacrificing an extra-universal catgirl cosplayer will win you points with Sezrekan.

-that, on the other hand, not letting your allies know what you're doing is likely to cause a panic that will ruin the element of surprise, or any chance of avoiding a fight with Tiamat's small army.

-that ending on a cliffhanger will leave your players on the edge of their seats for the next session.


(November 14, 2014)
Title: DCC Campaign Log
Post by: RPGPundit on November 28, 2015, 12:54:09 AM
DCC Campaign Update: They Are The Egg Men (Goo Goo Ga-Joob)

When last we'd left our intrepid heroes they had been discovered by the mighty (though mortally wounded) Tiamat, Lord/Lady of Dragons; and by about 30 mutant fanatics, a number of Dragonmen, a troglodyte chieftain and his honor guard and Shaman, and the sorceress of Tiamat. Combat was about to happen.  As it turns out:

-it did ensue. By the end of it, half the PC party, half of the Cosplay Catgirls From Another Universe, 11 out of 12 crusading Dwarves, and Tiamat and most of her army were all dead.

-as it turns out, a breath weapon from a 95%-dead Superdragon is still enough to immolate a sizable chunk of your party.

-as it turns out, Dragonmen hatched by a dying Dragon-Daemon are kind of derpy.

-as it turns out, the troglodyte waving his greatsword around with panache before facing the heroic PC in single combat was NOT the setup for an Indiana Jones down-in-one-shot gag. Instead, it was the PC who went down like a bitch.

-as it turns out, you don't get to be troglodyte chief through good looks or charm.

-as it turns out, Cosplay Catgirls can hold their own in a fight, once they do their super-kawaii transformation sequence and pull out their "Harajuku Gogo Protectora Balls".

-as it turns out, firing a missile launcher at a well-supported cave roof will do nothing to save your cause.

-as it turns out, casting a massive cloudkill will.

-as it turns out, Tiamat really did have a massive shitload of treasure. So massive the party had to have Bill the Elf ask Sezrekan to teleport it out for them.

-as it turns out, Sez was so elated from the death of his rival that he really didn't mind, and sent it out to somewhere called Ice Dome Zero, which is supposed to be abandoned.  The party immediately decided that it should be their new home base.

-as it turns out, there were tons of magic items too.

-as it turns out, the party's other elf, Rick/Rickandra, got the bulk of those items. He also unfortunately got the bulk of the cursed items; including the Plate Mail of Suckitude (which sucks), and the Asshole Ring (which makes you act like an asshole; it also makes you TOTALLY reflect any magic specifically cast at you; which Rick thought was awesome, but only because he hasn't yet figured out the implications of what that will mean for him).

-as it turns out, Rick/rickandra was the second player to get a one-percent-chance of a significantly useful combat spell having a gender changing side effect.

-as it turns out, no one believes him any longer when he says he joined the Azure Order as a scam.  Not after joining the Azure Order (of non-cisgendered wizards), then taking the Lord of All Flesh as his patron, carrying around a bra of gender change, and getting a spell that changes his gender. As the Lord of All Flesh himself said, "that's not accident, that's a pattern of denial".

-as it turns out, the Lord of All Flesh is WAY too happy to get offered the corpse of a dead Dragon-deity. And has a fairly discomforting idea of a 'reward' for service.

-as it turns out, the party still had to go destroy the Egg Beyond before it destroyed the known universe.

-as it turns out, after treking halfway through a massive cave complex, they found out the egg was on an island in a deadly-transuniversal-vine infested lake, and had to treck back to portage some canoes from the mutant cultist village they'd devastated earlier.

-as it turns out, the "Egg Beyond" is the size of a five story building.

-as it turns out, after getting some help in translation from Fun Guy the Fungi (not his real name, but the party calls him that, on account of his being a friendly giant fungus monster), the party finds out that the Cosplay Catgirls From Another Universe (who had come into this universe with the egg) know a secret entrance.

-as it turns out, the first-floor lobby of the Egg Beyond is full of Egg-Men guardians. Goo Goo Ga Joob.

-as it turns out, being able to cast a spell giving you 50 animated armor defenders is only of limited utility when the Egg Men can seemingly multiply indefinitely.

-as it turns out, while a Massive Cloudkill is super-useful against a Daemon Dragon-Lord and its horde of cultists, it's totally useless against Egg Men.

-as it turns out, the doors to the Egg Beyond's internal Sphincter Turbolifts are extremely resistant to dwarven axes.  Not so resistant, however, to monofilament whips.

-as it turns out, the treasure of an Egg from the outer void beyond the universe will be a gem of a color that no one ever saw before.

-as it turns out, the Sphincter Turbolift led the party to where the Egg was imprisoning Marduk, the Crystaline Dragon who may be Tiamat's heir. And Marduk is pissed off. Fortunately, Marduk thinks it was the Egg who killed Tiamat, not the PCs. For now.

-As it turns out, the heart of the Egg Beyond is an Egg Within an Egg. Goo Goo Ga Joob.

-As it turns out, with Marduk's help and figuring out its weak spot, the PCs were able to defeat it.

-As it turns out, defeating the Egg Beyond generates a miniature black hole that will suck everything there out into the Void beyond.

-as it turns out, the PCs manage to Planewalk away, to their new home in Ice Dome Zero, just in time.

As for Marduk, he astrally shifted away just in time too.  And boy is he going to be pissed when the troglodyte chief (who survived the massacre at Tiamat's cave) tells him that the PCs were the ones who killed his mom/dad.  And that Sezrekan sent them, and then killed his brother and any other potential heirs to Tiamat's power. That sounds like the start of an epic Dragon Revenge story.  But that'll be a story for another time; like at the worst possible moment for the PCs.

Next time: Terror at Ice Dome Zero!


(November 27, 2014)
Title: DCC Campaign Log
Post by: RPGPundit on December 11, 2015, 01:45:41 PM
DCC Campaign Update: Inhuman Freudian Terror at Ice Dome Zero

In this weekend's adventure the party confronted:

-the realization that even protected by a dome, they were somewhere really fucking cold.

-that the central power sphere of the dome was apparently missing.

-that their cleric was too, after the previous night's patron-induced orgy.

-that "what happens in x, stays in x" has become the motto of the party.

-that there were traces of suspicious slime in the dome.

 -that no slime is ever a good slime.

-that the "totally abandoned" dome might not be as totally abandoned as Sezrekan made it out to be.

-that the outside of the dome might be populated by abominable snowmen, or yetii, or sasquatches. Or some damn thing.

-almost immediately thereafter, that the Sasquatches(Sasquatchii?) are inside the dome!

-that the dwarf Feld, son of Feldstein may have been kidnapped by Yetises. Possibly slimy yetises.

-that for some damn reason, pluralizing tundra-monsters is tough.

-that in spite of being frozen, powerless and an apparently sasquatch-filled deathtrap, Ice Dome Zero is not without its charms. Charms like laser pistols, blaster pistols, laser rifles, blaster rifles, and 24 cobalt limpet mines. Also parkas.

-the sudden epiphany that their mysterious enemies might not be abominable snowmens at all, but just guys in primitive parkas. Albeit slimy parkas.

-that the best plan they have is to seal the door and cast sequester.

-that the above plan may have been for naught, as Feld is back and acting really weird.

-that Feld wants them to come with him to what is clearly some kind of obvious trap.

-that "she" is waiting for them, and really loves them, and just wants to care for them.

-that "she", as it turns out, is in fact a giant slug-creature called the Gorlax, that exudes addictive love-slime out of its spike-nipples.

-that discovering this turn of events in the middle of seeing a bunch of the Gorlax's Cold Mutant love-slaves "feeding" was not the most appetizing way of discovering the truth. But at least it turns out that there were no sasquatches after all.

-that unfortunately, what is there, in the volcanic cave under Ice Dome Zero, is a giant emotionally-needy love-smothering Slug-monster, about 20 Cold Mutants, a dozen little (still giant) slugs, and one recent dwarf convert.

-that fighting the gorlax and her forces from a safe distance doesn't protect you, when the narcotic effect of her freshly exuded panic-slime is transmissible by scent.

-that once you've suckled love-slime from one of the gorlax's spike-nipples, you start to question whether there isn't good slime after all.

-that when everyone else in the party is suddenly experiencing a weird codependent girlfriend/mother Freudian love thing with a giant slug, its time for Bill the Elf to run like hell, and consider blowing the entire dome to shit just to save his own ass.

-that in the middle of all these Freudian connotations, casting charm person on a dwarf under the Gorlax's slime-induced "in a relationship"-status only generate an even worse child-of-divorce type emotionally-paralyzing conflict.

-that when you're trying to avoid being affected by airborne slime pheromones, you're willing to go to desperate measures, including taping a plastic bag full of water over your head.

-that air-filter masks from the Dome's lab is probably an easier solution.

-that the Gorlax really isn't evil. She just wants to love all men, and for all men to love her in a dependent and emotionally-supportive way and to listen to her interesting conversation.

-that actually, she also does have a plan to reproduce hundreds more little gorlaxes and take over the world. But she's doing it because of the love!

-that any possibility of finding an easy way out of this (potentially involving lava) evaporates when it becomes clear that the reason why this particular giant slug monster is so large and so powerful is that at some point she ate the Dome's Powersphere.

-that when all other options fail, the only solution left is apparently to create a distraction to get some of the Gorlax's slime-tripping boyfriends out of the way and shoot the living fuck out of her.

-that in the end the Gorlax's death only leaves anyone who's tasted her sweet sweet slime-milk feeling despondent and depressed in the knowledge that never again will they feel a love as pure and tender as when they were suckling on the spike-nipple of a giant slug monster.

-that after everything seems resolved an the powersphere is recovered, there's still a dozen little slug-monsters crawling around the dome to deal with.

-that to top it all off, even with the powersphere the dome's systems don't actually work.

-that when nothing else could go wrong, Feld son of Feldstein comes back with a hundred Cold Mutant warriors at his back.

-that the Cold Mutants had always known Ice Dome Zero as the "Forbidden Place", and dreaded the monsters that would come to steal some of their men from the tribe; but when Feld actually explained to them that the Gorlax would give them warmth and food, suddenly it was paradise to them.

-that the discovery that the elves, who had kept them out in the cold even before the monsters, have now killed the creature that could have been feeding and warming them all this time, is enough to drive the Cold Mutants into a murderous elf-killing rage.

-that promising the Cold Mutants freedom only generates the response "They want to give us freedom! Kill them!!"

-that everything gets smoothed over by a Very Dwarvish Coup, when Qomos the dwarf and Feld the dwarf conspire to have the Cold Mutants move into the Dome with them, and to even spare the elves as long as the elves will now be the Dome's slaves.

-that apparently, Bill the Elf is not pleased with his dreams of finally having an elven Dome as his own personal Fortress of Solitude is dashed when he's going to be a 'slave' (even if just a pretend one to placate the Cold Mutants) and instead Qomos the Dwarf gets to be the dome's "Decider".


(december 11, 2014)
Title: DCC Campaign Log
Post by: RPGPundit on December 26, 2015, 04:01:03 PM
DCC Campaign Archive: "Kill it with Fire!"

In today's adventure the PCs learned that:

-You can't really take a year off if your Ice Dome has no power.

-Even once the power is back on, you can't really take a year off if the dome has no food.

-Elven Domes have a very sophisticated food-maker technology that, in essence, means Elves spend most of their lives eating their own shit.

-Apparently, that's ok because Elves poop rainbows... at least, according to the party's resident elves.

-You can use "Mending" to fix a processor unit, but you can't use it to just manifest the vital radioactive isotope that makes the unit process.

-Ultimately, you just can't take a year off.

-When trying to find a rare radioactive isotope, the first place the party can think of checking is the Tower of the Azure Order.

-As usual, whenever you visit the Azure Order, there's a crisis of epic proportions going on and they want to send you on a suicide quest.

-In this case, this quest involves assisting a succubus and a band of dwarves to rescue an azure wizard from the Dark Ones, whose 'brain eater' servants have kidnapped and taken to one of the outer modules of the (fallen) ancient Dwarven Machineholds. The urgency is because when the sky-rocks are aligned, the sacrifice of this particular young wizard will allow the Dark Ones to at long last extinguish the Last Sun.

-Dwarves come in packs of 12.  This particular band is led by Prince Snort, Son of Schwartz, who (like all dwarf bands ever) have as their goal to reclaim their lost homeland.

-The Azure Order does not usually team-up with a blonde bombshell Succubus named "Hot Gams", but stopping the Last Sun from being put out makes for strange bedfellows.

-Hot Gams will give you the time of your life, unfortunately it will also be the last time of your life; or as the tribal mutants like to put it, "Death by Snoo-Snoo".

-You have to go through all kinds of bullshit just to get to the Dwarven Machinehold.

-For starters, you have to go to a place called the Forest of Worms, which is not named after some german village. No, as expected, it's called that because it's a forest full of giant worms.

-When you get past the worm caves, then you have to go through the cave of webs.

-You'd expect the cave of webs to be filled with giant spiders, but it isn't.  Unfortunately, that's because it's only full of one Really Giant Spider that ate all the other spiders.

-The Dwarven response to a giant giant spider is "kill it with fire!"

-When choosing whether to go down through the "Cave of Plague Beasts" or near the "City of the Pale Elves", the latter sounds more palatable.

-Apparently, the pale elves are a race of evil Chaos-worshiping underground elves with incredibly pale skin and a seriously misogynistic culture.

-Pale elves use dart guns with a toxic ooze even medi-bots can't heal.

-The Dwarven response to pale elf guards is "kill them with fire!"

-Pale elves can end up being a problem that solves itself, if a pale elf wizard summons a terrible giant ice frog and then dies the very next round, leaving the frog to run amok amongst the remaining elves.

-When faced with a poison ooze a medibot can't heal, it's time to call on the Lord of All Flesh.

-If you have a dying team-mate, the Lord of All Flesh will lie to you about what you need to do to draw out the poison for comedic/erotic effect.

-People with a lot of secrets should probably be careful to know that Succubi read minds.  They should be particularly careful if they had specifically put on Bras of Femininity for no other reason than to avoid being seduced and killed by a succubus.

-if there's one thing a succubus can't stand, it's female impersonators who act like bimbos.

-The Dwarven Machinehold is a sophisticated labyrinthine complex of rooms, corridors and great halls; none of which the ancient Dwarves ever bothered to make a map about, because they all knew where everything was anyways and would almost never get visitors.

-There are two things you need to know about brain-eaters: the first is that they eat brains. The second is that the Dwarven response to them is "Kill it with fire!"

-In fact, the Dwarven response to just about any kind of hostile entity, small or large, is to loudly declare that said entity must be killed, ideally with fire.

-You actually also need to know one more thing about brain-eaters: they have a massive psychic blast attack that will routinely kill half the party every time it's used.

-The absurdity of there being any chance of a group of 12 dwarves managing to take back a lost Dwarven homeland after ten millennia of occupation by lovecraftian monstrosities only becomes slightly more absurd when there are but 6 Dwarves left.

-If by scrying and divination, the team's succubus finds out that the Dark Ones are to the South and East of here, everyone agrees the best plan of action is to go West, and North.

-A second encounter with a brain-eater will still kill half your party, even if you only had half a party left.

-one way to avoid potential blackmail scenarios from Psychic Succubi is if said succubi get their brain eaten in legitimate combat for the purpose of World-saving and Dwarven Repatriation.

-At this point even Prince Snort's two remaining dwarven subjects think it seems pretty unlikely that they'll be able to liberate a vast dwarf-hold from the Brain Eaters and Dark Ones who presently infest it.

-That doesn't stop his determination to do it, or die trying. Almost certainly the latter.

-The Brain Eaters apparently have no need of the old and spartan dwarf living-quarters, so they've allowed it to be overrun by Insect Men.

-Insect men are, fortunately, a lot easier to kill than Brain Eaters, so the party decides that this is a good place to hold up, with only 6 out of 16 members left alive.


Currently Smoking: Lorenzetti half-volcano + Gawith's Balkan Flake

(December 26, 2014)
Title: DCC Campaign Log
Post by: RPGPundit on January 13, 2016, 08:33:19 PM
DCC Campaign Archive: You Can Cast Anything You Want At the Darkness, But You Can't Cast That

In this week's adventure, our stalwart heroes (who were deep within the lost Dwarven Machinehold, surrounded by Brain Eaters) learned:

-That an elven prisoner, driven mad through the death of their patron, will begin to act more irrationally than even normal elves do.

-That said prisoner's tooth-on-a-stick is not a magic wand, its just one of their own teeth, on a stick.

-That they are now one car-tire-shoulder-pad away from being characters in a Mad Max movie.

-That you cannot, in fact, cast Magic Missile at the darkness.

-That you can, in fact, fire blasters at the darkness.

-That you can also cast Choking Cloud at the darkness, throw a grenade at the darkness, toss an axe at the darkness, throw a Tooth-on-a-Stick at the darkness, and even cast darkness at the darkness.  You can even curse the darkness. You just can't cast magic missile at it.

-That Brain Eaters are non-copyrighted tentacle-headed monsters from the void that eat your brains.

-That a pit trap becomes pretty irrelevant when you find out that Brain Eaters can also levitate.

-That Brain Eaters are pretty godawful at Interior Design.

-That when a Cold Mutant taps your shoulder and says "excuse me, meeester", it probably means another Cold Mutant is about to hit you on the head with a club in a coup attempt.

-That a band of Dwarven warriors on a quest to retake their homeland will never give up, even when there's only one dwarf left, and said homeland is infested with possibly hundreds of Brain-Eaters.

-That brain eaters are telepaths, but also communicate through tentacle-waving zoidberg-like "BLUBBLUBLUB" noises.

-That trying to use Ventriloquism to simulate said "BLUBLUB" noise will have little effect, even if you try to do it in what you imagine would be a 'seductive' tone.

-That switching to beatboxing blublub noises will be even less effective.

-That the Lord of All Flesh is totally on board with invoking his power to result in Brain-Eater tentacle porn.

-That, disturbingly, servants of the Lord of All Flesh eventually figure out how to weaponize their Patron's orgiastic excesses; and more disturbingly, nick-name it "Sexy Time".

-That once you've rescued the Azure Order novice that was to be sacrificed at the sky-rock alignment to put out the sun, it's time to get the hell out of tentacle-town for the sake of saving the world.

-That if the last remaining Dwarven Prince is determined to stay behind and fight to retake his homeland, you might as well spellburn-drain him to death and take all his stuff.

-That Sezrekan approves of Dwarven Regicide

-That Sezrekan wouldn't really go so far as to call the Azure Order "dicks"; dangerously naive, hopelessly optimistic and annoyingly altruistic, sure, but not dicks.

-That when he has absolutely no choice, Bill the Elf will reluctantly do the right thing.  The "right thing", in his mind, being not killing the innocent Azure Order novice and not teleporting away while abandoning all his team-mates to a grizzly tentacle-filled demise.

-That you might save the entire universe twice, and that still won't get you a seat on the Azure Order High Council. It's enough to make certain wizards turn to the dark side, if they hadn't technically already done so long ago.

-That the Azure Order believes in co-operative co-teaching in their instructional seminars.

-That the downside of casting "Patron Bond" at the figurative darkness is that you might just end up with the (extremely senile) King of Elfland as your Patron.

-That one thing you should never try to do is be an "indian giver" with Sezrekan.

-That referring to the Lord of All Flesh as "Fun" during an Azure Order seminar is highly likely to earn you looks of extreme suspicion from the High Council, and not likely at all to help your chances of eventual political advancement in said order.

-That getting funny looks from everyone in the order might mark a good time to consider getting some distance from the order, especially when you've started to grow extra mouths in all the wrong places.

-That for some reason, Bill the Elf believes Planar Step works best when cast from one bathroom, to another bathroom.

-That when you show up in Ice Dome Zero, and there's a mob of angry Cold Mutants waiting for you, there's at least one guy in the crowd that will shout "Kill them!!" in answer to absolutely anything you say.

-That it's really really hard to tell with Cold Mutants, whether they're saying that the dwarf Feld has died, or is only visiting a series of local regional landmarks that all sound like colorful indigenous euphemisms for dying.

-That promising to restore lights, heating, and food to Ice Dome Zero can eventually win over the new "Decider" and earn an uneasy truce with the Cold Mutants... though there'll still always be that one asshole who keeps shouting "Kill Them!".

-That the Cold Mutants have no need of this Elven drink they call 'mocha cappuchinos', because they drink the congealed blood of the land-whale.

-That actually, upon tasting this Elven drink, they realize that the congealed blood of the land-whale tastes like absolute shit.

-That apparently, Feld son of Feldstein has not died in some flowery euphemistic way, and has in fact managed to run off somewhere with all of Tiamat's Treasure Horde, after somehow blowing a hole in a magical barrier that should have been impossible to open.

-That revenge and the recovery of this vast treasure can wait, while the PCs first recover from their recent ordeals, and while Bill The Elf uses a combination of high thaumaturgy and narcotics to create his new wizard staff, called "the Primo Staff".

-That to his great pleasure, the staff manages to have the special effect he desired: that of causing extreme psychedelic disorientation to anyone it comes in contact with.

-That to his infinite regret, these effects diminish on an individual over time the more frequently they come in contact with the staff, as they build up a tolerance. Because Bill the Elf mainly wanted to use his staff on himself, a lot.


(January 10, 2015)
Title: DCC Campaign Log
Post by: RPGPundit on January 26, 2016, 02:51:39 AM
DCC Campaign Update: "I Love you, Dr.Theobald!"

In today's adventure, the PCs were surprised to find:

-That they'd figured out a new method to get rid of Cold Mutant "Deciders": get them high with a magic staff and then have their own people throw them off a balcony.

-That the Cold Mutants don't care much for visions; the old shaman used to get those, and they threw him off something for it.

-That the universal tactic for kidnapping someone (throughout the various planes, even) is to tap someone on the shoulders and say "excuse me mister" while a partner sucker-punches them from behind.

-That their party's cleric can be completely missing for well over 24 hours without anyone even noticing.

-That for Ricandra, to only steal the nominal sum of 10ep from your party-mates room while investigating their possible kidnapping is "being nice".

-That it doesn't matter how much you turn up the heat in Ice Dome Zero, Cold Mutants are always cold; it's just a racial trait.

-That the Plane of Jade is ruled over by the extremely old Jade Empress, who has been kidnapping the handsomest humanoids in all the material plane, to have them participate in 'the games' to see which will be her consort for life.

-That she means their life, not hers, since Material Plane humanoids are absurdly short-lived compared to Jade People.

-That by "games" she means a series of duels to the death, using what they call "Thunderdome Rules".

-That Jade People don't know much about the biology of carbon-based humanoids from the material plane, and didn't actually know the difference between humans and elves.

-That if you're a cleric in this party and you've been kidnapped, you hold no hope or expectation that your team-mates will bother to rescue you; so plan B for you is to convince the Jade People to kidnap your whole party too.

-That Rick/Ricandra, even in male form, registers as 'female' to Jade People sensors.

-That when in doubt on these matters, the Jade People use something called "the Probe" to make sure.

-That "the Probe" is not nearly as ominous or uncomfortable as it sounds.

-That when you need to understand a bit more of the context of Jade Person society, you need to get the help of a Historiologist, and a Carbonologist as well.

-That you can tell who the Historiologist is because of his ridiculous hat.

-That the Jade Court is getting quite desperate, as the Empress is pretty venerable at this point, and still hasn't been able to produce a single heir from any of her material-realm consorts.

-That the basic "birds and bees" of just how Jade people reproduce (it involves chips/shavings off their bodies) doesn't in any way sound like something any humanoid has any business, or indeed even capability, of being involved in.

-That in fact, it's biologically impossible for Jade People and humanoids from a completely different plane to reproduce together; but no one in the Plane of Jade had realized this until just now.

-That Chok the Cold Mutant, who got kidnapped by accident with the PCs, thinks that the Jade Empress' interest in humans who live one-millionth her lifespan and don't seem compatible with her reproductive needs sounds a little bit like what a guy in his tribe named "Orkuk the Penguin-Lover" gets up to.

-That actually, someone HAD apparently realized this before now, and is quite willing to murder Jade People scientists in order to keep the secret.

-That the whole thing may be a set-up from within; and the Jade Empress has been in it all along because as soon as she produces a male heir she won't be in power anymore.

-That the Games Co-ordinator has started to figure out what the Scientist died for, and after getting the whole story from Ricandra and realizing that he's been forced to run over a million 'games' in his career instead of just one, he's come to the conclusion that the Empress is a complete bitch.

-That, even when presented with a viable escape plan to get the fuck out of there and be done with it, the party decides to stay, because they haven't really done their job if they don't utterly ruin every place they visit.

-That Bill the Elf in particular won't be satisfied if he doesn't leave the Plane of Jade in utter politico-social chaos and possible civil war.

-That things get complicated when the Games Co-ordinator has mysteriously disappeared.  Now the Historiologist has to be the new Co-ordinator, because that's the "natural line of succession".

-That no one in any of the various cultures of the Last Sun seem to have any rational way of organizing anything.

-That the old Co-ordinator may have been murdered by the Empress' Chief Intelligencer, Lord Wallhead.

-That Wallhead's agent (named "Stone; Jade Stone") has a few questions for the PCs.

-That while Stone learns very little from them, the PCs are able to deduct from Stone's questioning that in fact the Co-ordinator is not dead.  Unfortunately, he does seem to have used the Jade Empire's great planar gate to flee into hiding in fear of his life, and won't be of any help in getting Bill his violent revolution.

-That while Jade People don't need to eat organic matter, they realize that their humanoid captives do, so they provide them with decorative crystal baskets of colorful fruit.

-That since Jade People also don't have any need for toilets, the decorative crystal baskets, once bereft of fruit, serve a dual-purpose.

-That while the rest of the PCs will now have to fight to the death in "the games", Ricandra may be of some help in any future plans as she has had her request granted to remain on the Plane of Jade as a spectator of the games, and been invited to spend the games in the "Empress' Box".

-That "the Empress' Box" is not a reference to her special area in the Thunderdome, but to a literal small locked box next to the Empress' viewing throne.

-That the first day of the games would consist of 16 gladiatorial fights among 32 contestants, and the next day would be the 'round of 16'.

-That among the other prisoners present for this round of the games are: a savage looking Apeman, some kind of Insect-man, a human peasant with a bucket and a frog, a tough looking ranger, a floating wizard with enough corruption and patron-taint on him to make it obvious he's really powerful, a non-floating wizard who is clearly of lower level, a sneaky rogue that may be from Arkhome, an Emo Elf, an Ogre named Trog who seems to be the only person that actually willingly wants to participate, a hapless cleric named Marvin, and a bunch of guys who look like 1st level cannon fodder.

-That the savage-looking Apeman is actually named "Doctor Theobald", and is an erudite scholar with an upper-crust English accent and a pipe.  The peasant with the Bucket for a helmet, on the other hand, is named Jethro Bucket, and he really is a moron.

-That there's also a last-minute replacement for Ricandra who is a barbarian warrior-babe in bikini chainmail named Sandy, that is 100% biologically female; pretty much proving that the jig is up and everyone in power knows the games are a scam.

-That after a lot of arguing (getting 32 adventurers to agree on anything is pretty hard) the plan becomes to make it seem that the Empress reveals her deception to her people, and then kill her (making it look like a suicide if possible by magically pushing her off the balcony, but if not just magic-missiling her to death), in the hopes of causing an immediate succession war and high-tailing it out of the dimension with as much loot as they can steal, before anyone notices.

-That in order to stop Trog the Ogre from spilling the beans, you just have trick him into eating Jethro's hallucinogenic frog.

-That if you're stuck in the Empress' Box waiting for the Empress to arrive and the games to start, it's probably not a good idea to hint at your plan to kill the Empress to some random noble who sat down next to your box.

-That its a particularly bad idea if that random noble turns out to be Lord Wallhead, the Empress' Royal Intelligencer.

-That since Ricandra is a threat to the Empress, and the Empress' box cannot be opened except by her command, the only solution for Wallhead is to take the whole box with Ricandra in it to his offices.

-That when you're left alone inside a locked jade box in the headquarters of the Secret Police, it's convenient that you have a constant magic-missile floating around your head to gradually carve your way out of the box.

-That the whole elaborate plan to kill the Empress at the start of "the games" is only any good until your keen elven eyes realize that's not the Empress up on the balcony but her body-double.

-That a cleric can save the day by using Word of Command to force everyone in the Empress' Balcony to "Confess".

-That everyone in the Royal Balcony had some dark secret to tell, except that one guard who's really fucking boring (though he confesses he secretly wishes he could have something interesting to confess).

-That the Empress' Body-double speaks in an Australian accent, for no good reason.

-That Wallhead's assistant confirms that in fact the Royal council had known about her plan all along, and the Empress just doesn't give a shit what happens to the Jade Empire after she finally croaks childless.

-That at least one distant member of the royal family was already planning to assassinate the Empress and try to take power.

-That the accumulated weight of all these secrets causes a general panic among the crowd.

-That the Jade Guard are rendered less effective without anyone to give them immediate orders, once the ranger fires a grenade-arrow into the Royal Balcony, causing all the people ostensibly in charge to flee for their lives.

-That Jade Guardsmen are really tough. Like, survive a grenade-arrow tough.

-That if you get out of the Empress' Box and leave behind a pair of Cobalt Mines as a trap for Lord Wallhead when he returns, it would have been better to make damn sure you were going to be farther away than the front lawn when the mines get triggered. And ideally, you'd have been wise to make sure it was Wallhead who triggered them, and not Agent Jade Stone, of her Majesty's Secret Jade Service, who already desperately wants to use his License to Kill on you.

-That with enough team-work, getting out of the Thunderdome arena would probably be a real possibility; so of course the 32 adventurers almost immediately split into various groups with completely different plans.  About 18 of them die almost immediately, too.

-That Dr. Theobald is a cool ape under pressure, and a good ape to have when you're trying to find the way out of Thunderdome, and over to the Planar Gate to destroy it (not so much so that the Jade Empress can't keep kidnapping humanoids from the material plane to use in her death matches, but so that the Jade Empress can't get any ideas of sending revenge squads after you personally; never let it be said this PC party did anything for purely selfless reasons).

-That when you're about to be brutally murdered by a 100% Jade version of 007, if you're a member of this PC party, you will gladly sell out your team-mate's plan to save your own hide.

-That with just about every Royal Guardsman busy protecting the royal palace from complete chaos, the Jade Empire Institute of Jade Sciences is practically undefended. Except by Jade Empire Science-Nerds.

-That even a Jade Nerd-fight can be pretty dangerous, given that Jade Nerd Fists do a D8+1 damage and the average Jade Nerd has 7 times more hit points than the average human.

-That if you're the Jade Nerd scientist who invented the Planar Gate (and probably the only one who could rebuild it), it's probably a bad idea to say so in an angry nerd-tone to the guys who just came in to destroy the gate forever.

-That things only get worse when Secret Agent Jade Stone busts down the door ready to shoot at anything in his path, using Rick/Ricandra as a human (or rather elven) shield.

-That Sandy the Bikini Chain Mail Barbarian can fortunately kick Agent Jade Stone's jade ass; particularly with a bit of help from Jethro Bucket (who has turned out to be a surprisingly efficient 0-level redneck).

-That when the Planar Gate is destroyed, the Jade Secret Agent is dead, and an entire plane is plunged into social ruin, it's time to planewalk it out of there back to Ice Dome Zero.  And to take the survivors of "the games" with you (which happen to be Dr. Theobald, Sandy the Bikini Chainmail Warrior Woman, Jethro Bucket, Jal-udin the backstabbing rogue, and Marvin the Cleric).

That was it for this session; good fun was (as always) had by all.  Now, the PCs plan to recover, try to talk Dr. Theobald to stay on (he's rapidly become their favorite ape-man scientist; but he plans to return to the Southern Ape Kingdoms as quickly as possible), and finally get down to the business of tracking down Feld (son of Feldstein) the dwarf and the stolen treasure hoard of Tiamat.


Currently Smoking: Castello 4k Canadian + Image Latakia

Addendum: A note on DCC Elves
Someone asked me if "elven barista" came out of a misreading (an intentional one, in this case, similar to accidental misreadings that has been made before) of the Elven Barrister profession?

Well, sort of: before the campaign even started, I read that and thought "barista" and then came up with the idea that in my DCC world all the elves are useless Hipsters, essentially the "Trust fund babies" of the Last Sun, living in the (illusory) security of their Dome (cities) where their every need is cared for by machines and they are free to argue about fashion, drink increasingly complex beverages and pretend they're writing a novel.   The whole thing being a long slow decadence, since the Ancients vanished, and G.O.D. went mad, and the Dwarves were driven out of their Machineholds by the Dark Ones, so there's nothing to keep the systems the Elves depend on going.  Most of the domes already failed; the remaining Hipster Elves in the remaining domes happily whittle away their lives on trivialities not realizing that the machines they depend on will sooner or later screw up and then they'll all be dead because of how useless they are (or almost always, there's in each generation a handful of useful elves, among which we hope are the PCs).

Later on in the campaign it was revealed that there are more than just one type of Elves: There were, beside the Hipster Elves, also the Smug Elves and the Emo Elves, both of which also live in domes. There was also, apparently some great kickass empire of warrior elves known as the Pythian Knights, who totally destroyed themselves (it would seem) several thousand years back. They had fleets of sky-ships and apparently lived up on the flying rocks that orbit the sun.   It's not yet clear what relation, if any, these elves had to the Dome Elves.

(January 24, 2015)
Title: DCC Campaign Log
Post by: RPGPundit on January 26, 2016, 02:52:36 AM
I'll note that in addition to the elves mentioned above, the campaign has since encountered Posh Elves, who are the upper-crust descendants of the once-great sky-empire of the Pythian Knights.
Title: DCC Campaign Log
Post by: RPGPundit on February 05, 2016, 06:27:44 PM
DCC Campaign Update: "Some Sorta Apocalypse Now Scenario"

In today's adventure (slightly shorter than usual due to character creation and a long dinner), the bold adventurers found:

-that Bill the Elf has a long term plan to commit extremely slow genocide on the Cold Mutants by having them execute their own "Decider" over and over again.

-that it seems kind of silly to do an Invoke Patron to try to get Sezrekan to grant you some kind of magical item of 'comprehend languages' when you're sitting on a pile of high-tech elven Universal Translators.

-that all Elven technology makes the same 'boop beep' noises when they're in use; while Dwarven tech makes more of a 'bzz bzz' noise.

-that the "old wise woman" is pretty much the same character in every tribal society they encounter.

-that G.O.D. had, for the first time in maybe ten thousand years, something to say other than "There's an Emergency going on!" or "It's still going on!".

-that unbelievable as it might seem, Marvin the Cleric (who isn't even very high level) is The Chosen One.

-that what he has apparently been charged to do by G.O.D. is to plug in the Sacred USB Cable, after bringing it to the Church of St. Ignatius of File Not Found.

-that it would appear that this is an attempt by G.O.D. to "reload from an earlier version", which would be bad news for any of the Daemons.  So naturally, half the party is secretly working against this sacred mission that could heal the world.

-that no one is quite sure just where the Sacred USB Cable is; but it was last in possession of Archdeacon Hill, a high-level cleric that, according to G.O.D., has become too perverse to fulfill his function as the original Chosen One.

-that incredibly, the yokel Jethro Bucket does in fact know where to find Archdeacon Hill: at a place originally known as the Cave of Tranquility, where his tribe (the Bucket Tribe) live.

-that apparently, Hill's "perversion" is that "he's done set himself up in some sorta Apocalypse Now scenario where we all worship him and give him our most attractive cousins".

-That the Bucket Clan are not named because they wear wooden buckets on their head (only Jethro does that); but rather because the entire Tribe is one large massively inbred family. Bucket is just their last name.

-That the Lord of All Flesh is seriously worried about G.O.D.'s plan, but can't really think of any solution other than to give his agent claws for hands.  Among the daemons, Sezrekan was always the more tactical thinker of the bunch.

-that in spite of humanity's 'endangered species' status, the Buckets have thus far survived because of three simple policies: 1) kill all intruders to their territories, 2) worship Archdeacon Hill and his Old Time Religion, 3) marry their own cousins.

-That Jethro Bucket is ultimately OK with betraying and slaughtering his entire nation/extended-family so long as he gets to keep his attractive cousin, Cindy Lou Bucket.

-That Archdeacon Hill might have been hot stuff once, but one massive Magic Missile later and all that's left of him are his designer boots.

-That the Buckets are pretty ferocious fighters, but most are also too damn stupid to simply walk out of a choking cloud.

-that when Bill the Elf makes the tactical choice to blow up Cindy Lou Bucket, he finds himself obliged immediately afterward to kill Jethro too.

-That, the Bucket tribe mostly wiped out and the Archdeacon just a pair of smoking boots, the PCs are now free to recover the Sacred USB Cable, as well as the huge piles of gold and jewels that the Archdeacon had been hoarding from the yokels for the last several decades.

-That the PCs must now, to get to the Church of St.Ignatius of File Not Found, cross through the area which was once known as the 'peaceful plains', but which they learn is now referred to as the Pampas of Destruction.  They have been warned it is full of dangers, but none so terrible (according to local lore) as a vicious sloth with an automatic weapon of some kind.

-That, however, their first run-in is not with the rumoured sloth but with a horde of 70+ Zombie Gauchos (on Zombie Horses and all).  It was commented that they're like the Argentine version of the "white walkers".

-that Marvin the Cleric is in no way reassured by the notion that, since he is the "Chosen One", it will mean G.O.D. will protect him, since all known evidence points to the contrary.

-that even a horde of that size can be taken down, through careful use of Divine Wrath combined with a clever application of the sequester spell, and a bit of good old fashioned ultra-violence to kill off the stragglers.

-that as they approach the ruins of the ancient Port of GoodWind, the gentle and sweet stream which has nurtured them thus far turns into hideous polluted mess, and the pampas into a grotesque swamp.

-that while most of the PCs are distracted trying to view the ruins of GoodWind from a distance, they are almost taken by surprise by a pair of savage River Trolls, identifiable by their rubbery skin, hideous stench, and red-and-white t-shirts.

-that 75 Zombie Gauchos are no trouble, but two River Trolls can damn near slaughter a party of experienced PCs. They have a lot more experience with hooliganism, after all.

-that while he's pretty well useless in combat, Dr. Theobald the Apeman is a valuable guy to have around during a River Troll attack; because he knows the River Trolls' regenerative power can be stopped with fire, and his quick experimentation reveals that the polluted river is in fact so polluted as to be highly flammable.

-that with most of the PCs severely injured by the time the River Trolls are slain, and a couple of the new 0-level guys ready to level up, the party decides to stop before reaching Port GoodWind, to continue on their quest next time.

(February 5, 2015)
Title: DCC Campaign Log
Post by: RPGPundit on February 18, 2016, 08:59:40 PM
DCC Campaign Update: "Kill Bill (the Elf)!", or "Treason, Betrayal, and Latinamerican In-Jokes"

In this week's regrettable adventure of double-crosses and betrayals, the PCs:

-Continued to express serious doubts as to whether there was any truth to the idea that just because Marvin the Cleric was "the chosen one" it would in any way mean that he'd get any special protections from G.O.D.

-discovered that at least one chaos cult had ended up kidnapping the wrong cleric, making mistaken assumptions about who the "chosen one" was.

-had the clerics wondering exactly what universe some of the other player characters lived in, where they could assume that G.O.D. was even marginally competent at anything.

-got suckered by a pit trap/ambush by the "Mouth Clan" of berserker hooligans (ultraviolent barbarians notable for their blue and yellow shirts) in the downtown areas of the ruins of Port Goodwind.

-witnessed the unlikely scenario of Bill the Elf getting three corruptions in a single round of combat!

-noted that when accused of being an idiot, Bill the Elf's response was "didn't you know that already?"

-are only saved from the Mouth Clan ambush by the astounding fighting skills of Sandi the Bikini-Chainmail Barbarian, some very strategic use of the Sequester spell, by Dr.Theobald leading several enraged Mouth hooligans into a trap by impersonating a Bolivian, and by the shocking discovery that Jaluddin the Rogue was in fact with the party all along, but is just really good at Not Being Seen.

-decide that the Mouth Clan hooligans having been momentarily dealt with, but the party being extremely wounded, they decide that the best option would be to hide out for the night in the ruins of a fin-de-siecle Cafe.

-discovered that was not a great idea, and that the 'cafe tortono' is really not what it used to be, as the reason there was no sign of Mouth Clan Hooligans around was because of the giant Cafe Ooze that was using the ruins as its lair.  The place still has tourist value, but there's no longer any good coffee to be found there, and the cost of going in is too great.

-choose to run for it, figuring that they're far too wounded to be able to take down a Cafe Ooze.

-discover a series of graffiti wall-scrawlings that appear to explain this bizarre place, with the blood-stained palace and the broken obelisk with a Mouth drawn on it, and the overabundance of fake tango bars: apparently it was once a moderately nice civilization, until the locals began to deify a mad general and his dilettante wife, leading to a mythos-worthy orgy of political, economic, and social self-destruction until nothing was left but a pile of rubble inhabited by delusional madmen still trying to pretend they are a great nation.

-curiously end up finding refuge in a semi-ruined church.

-find said church occupied by the decidedly fake cleric-shyster Reverendo Oswaldo Hijo de Puta (or as his congregants call him, "el reverendo hijo de puta"), and his congregation of mostly gullible old women.

-accept the opportunity to stay overnight at the church for a 'donation', but unsurprisingly aren't interested in purchasing the good Reverend's holy anointing oil, sin-cleansing soaps, or miracle shrouds.  Even in spite of him offering a very favorable exchange rate for the Goodwind Peso from the "gold piece blue" rate.

-remain largely unaware that two of their own party have designs to betray the group and prevent G.O.D. from rebooting from an earlier version; but so far Bill the Elf has been unable to steal the Sacred USB from Marvin the Cleric (being under the suspicious eye of Sandi the Bikini-Chainmail Barbarian Warrior, who's clearly shown herself to be badass enough to potentially kick the shit out of Bill); while meanwhile Rickandra has to deal with a demon-patron that's just not made for these sorts of intrigues, as the Lord of All Flesh's best idea thus far is to have Rickandra draw up a magic circle that would conjure up one of the Lord of All Flesh's Infinite Sphincters as a means to spirit the USB away from G.O.D.'s reach forever.

-Find that the Lord of All Flesh does have at least some use, however, when Rickandra is able to cause a spontaneous orgy among the Reverend and his congregants, as a means to make sure none of them will be able to betray or rob the party as they rest up for the night.

-are surprised to discover the next morning that the Reverend has spinned this church-profaning debauchery as a "miracle"; "of course it's a miracle!", he says, "it would have to be for anyone to want to sleep with most of my congregants!"

-decide, as a party, to get out of Goodwind as quickly as possible, as (much to Bill the Elf's chagrin) they can't even wreck this civilization, since its inhabitants have already done a sterling job of that themselves.

-take advantage of the Rev. Hijo de Puta's offer to have his cousin (Ernesto Hijo de Puta) get them out of town in his Peruvian-drawn cart, for only 30000 pesos (or 12 gp, with the "blue" exchange rate) apiece.

-discover, in spite of Bill's best efforts, that Bill the Elf also plans to take advantage of the situation, bribing Ernesto and conspiring with him to have the Mouth Clan Hooligans ambush them and kill Marvin.

-don't realize, however, that Bill has also overheard Dr. Theobald exposing his planned betrayal.

-have concluded that trying to figure out where Jaluddin the Rogue is hiding is a bit like playing "where's waldo".

-see the shit completely hit the fan, as the Clerics and Bill race to take each other out first.

-watch Bill make a completely ineffectual 'first strike', managing only to light one of the Peruvians on fire.

-are all pretty surprised when it turns out the Clerics win, and G.O.D. actually comes through, incinerating Bill the Elf with a truly serious Lightning Bolt of Divine Wrath.

-proceed to loot the life's work of Bill's countless misdeeds.

-don't know that Bill the Elf had a phylactery, in Sezrekan's possession, and the restoration of G.O.D.'s authority is the one circumstance which would make Sezrekan not hesitate to revive Bill, rather than forget about him.  Thus, Bill the Elf's mind, soul and power come to reside in the body of Valerius the Human. (technically, this makes him a Human-race/Elf-class character!).

-learn that "Valerius the human", before he was lost to the phylactery, was a rogue known as "valerius the crafty", though he clearly wasn't crafty enough not to fall into Sezrekan's trap, or to convince Sezrekan that he'd be of more use than Bill the Elf.

-suspect that Sezrekan might very quickly have come to regret that strategic choice, as Bill the Elf almost immediately blows the elements of surprise and subterfuge in pursuit of quick revenge; putting the entire party on paranoid high-alert, and then proceeds to murder Rickandra, the only member of the group that shared his goals of stopping the cleric, leaving himself without potential allies.

-are jaw-droppingly shocked to find G.O.D. save the clerics a second time, by teleporting the whole party to safety!

-see Marvin the Cleric start to believe that maybe G.O.D. really is protecting him, as his Chosen One.

-unanimously agree that this means Marvin will probably die very soon.

-note that Valerius the Human (formerly Bill the Elf) failed to effectively play 'where's waldo' with Jaluddin, at the cost of taking a dagger in the lungs, and getting captured.

-finally get to the end of the Pampas of Destruction, in the border of the Vast Southern Jungle.

-get to the moment where it hits them that with Bill the Elf "dead", and without his Planar Step to rely on, they might never be able to get back to Ice Dome Zero.

-also discover that, although Dr. Theobald's Ape Kingdoms are kind of close-by, it might not be the way to go, as Dr. Theobald admits that to his embarrassment (as one would expect from an evolved ape society) they keep humans as slaves.

-decide to keep Valerius (who they have not been able to decisively figure out is in fact Bill, but all agree he's clearly highly suspicious) bound as a prisoner as they enter the jungle.

-quickly discover, and try to make a deal with, a group of suit-wearing Green Mutants with suspicious behaviour.  They seem to know where the "Church of St.Ignatius of File Not Found" is located, and so the party hand themselves over in the hopes of bribing their "jefe" in exchange for being led there.

-overhear the Green Mutants acting quite concerned about the PCs' interest in the Church, and wondering if the PCs aren't actually part of "el DEA", whatever that is.

-Slowly start to figure out that they've stumbled upon a secret base of some kind of drug dealers, who may in fact be using the old Church of St. Ignatius as their warehouse.

-Are led to the palatial jungle mansion/hideout of 'el Jefe', who turns out to be none other than "Slothy" Rodriguez, the Uzi-wielding Vicious Sloth Drug Lord they'd been warned about in the last session! Or as the players immediately dubbed him: "Slothface".

There ended the session.  It wasn't entirely satisfying; Bill the Elf got what he deserved, and because of his Phylactery was able to survive (albeit with shittier physical stats and having lost most of his impressive amounts of stuff), while Rickandra died a permanent death at Bill's hands that the player could do nothing at all to prevent.  Rickandra's player felt it was quite unfair, and it was.  It was in-character for Bill the Elf to do it, but it was still a deeply shitty and frustrating way for him to go, and I felt quite unsatisfied with how it all went down, and thinking I could have or should have made some other sort of call as a GM there.

Now Rickandra's player has come in with a new level-1 graduate, a Purple Mutant Cyclops Thief, which I hope he'll come to like as much as Rick/Rickandra.  Meanwhile, Sezrekan's patience with Bill the Elf will only go so far.


(February 18, 2015)
Title: DCC Campaign Log
Post by: RPGPundit on March 24, 2016, 08:21:47 AM
DCC Campaign Update: Bring Me the Head of Slothy Rodriguez

This week's DCC session (after a four-week hiatus) had a nearly-full house of 7 players, and featured events worthy of any great gangland movie, full of violence, double-cross, revenge, magic missiles, and Dire Hippos. In the course of the session, the PCs:

-Came face to face with Slothy Rodriguez, Uzi-wielding Sloth and Purple Dust Kingpin of the great southern jungle.

-Discovered that Slothy's dungeon has a regular cell, and a cell for bound-and-gagged prisoners.

-Found Slothy's hospitality left a lot to be desired.

-Watched Bill the Ex-Elf (who the other PCs suspect of being a traitor but don't realize is the same guy they killed with divine wrath not two days ago) betray them yet again, suggesting to Slothy that the PCs were from the dreaded Theta cartel sent to assassinate him.

-Discovered just what purple dust does, even to an experienced narcologist like Bill, when he was required to snort a bowlful of it to prove he was not a double-agent from something called 'DEA'.

-Learned, while Bill was sleeping off his Purple Haze, that Slothy's idea of hospitality left even more to be desired when it came a "sumptuous feast" of jungle greens and grubs; disliked by all but Doctor Theobald, who noted that the grubs were just like the ones he used to pick out of his girlfriend's fur.

-Realize just in time that all the not-bound prisoners are about to be shot, while all the bound-and-gagged prisoners are about to be drenched in oil and burned alive while tied to poles.

-Find that if there's one thing Slothy Rodriguez can't stand, its when a good oil-drenched pole-immolation is ruined.

-Watched Slothy's consigliere try to reason with him, that it might be better to keep the PCs alive; only to see Slothy declare how sick to death he was of that guy giving him advice, and telling him not to kill people was just crossing the line.

-As usual, decide there's no delicate situation they aren't all too happy to trigger into a total pandemonium where any possibility of things working out goes straight to hell.

-Tried to cast darkness at the magic missile, just to mix things up a bit.

-Engaged in a rather excessive amount of groin-stabbing from under the dining room table.

-Noted an exception to the above from Sandy the Bikini-Chainmail Barbarian, who displayed her usual class and panache by charging over said table and engaging in some fork-based eye-gouging instead.

-Lost track of Marvin, the Chosen One of the Clerical order, who high-tailed it out of there in mid-combat with Dr. Theobald, trying to find their own way to the Church of St.Ignatius of File Not Found, in order to complete the sacred mission of plugging in the sacred USB Cable and Rebooting the World.

-Decided that rather than go find them, they'd first engage in some looting; what with Slothy Rodriguez and most of the upper hierarchy of his cartel lying dead.

-Fell victim at that point to Bill the Ex-elf, who trapped them in the complex's dungeons through creative use of the Ward Portal spell.

-Felt certain there must be another way out of said dungeons, what with fire regulations and all.

-Discovered, unfortunately, that said dungeons were a notable fire hazard.

-Watched with some dismay as Night the pirate-elf managed to escape the dungeon, but only by having her patron (the Senile King of Elfland) teleport her more than fifty years into the future.

-Were not all trapped down there, Ack'bashah the Cleric having gone off to try to find Marvin.

-Discovered that the threat of "los Thetas" was not just a paranoid fantasy on Slothy's part, but a real imminent and novel threat.

-Observed with some amusement that Los Thetas dressed like a mix of paramilitary forces with Lucha Libre wrestling masks with a big "Z" on the forehead.

-saw the remnants of Slothy's forces trying to put up a valiant defense, by unleashing Slothy's Dire Hippos against the Thetas' pickup trucks full of gunmen.

-noted, unfortunately, that Dr. Theobald and Marvin had been captured by Los Thetas, and were now at risk not only of being executed by the gangsters, but also of being mauled to death by the aforementioned Dire Hippos.

-found that Bill the Ex-Elf had beaten the rest of the group to the Church of St.Ignatius; but he hadn't beaten the Thetas, who had already captured the place.

-were not exactly shocked to discover that the Church had been converted by Slothy to be used as his main lab and storage facility for tons and tons of Purple Dust.

-Saw Bill the Ex-Elf's eyes light up in anticipation of the possibility of becoming a one-man drug kingpin after all this was over.

-felt that this was, at this point, a very appropriate theme song  ( the evening's session

-Were still mostly stuck in the dungeon while Bill the Ex-Elf immolated the Theta guards through creative use of the Sequester spell.

-Saw Bill the Ex-Elf know true fear in his moment of triumph, when just as he thought the Church was under his full and secure control, he saw someone had painted "I know you're Bill" on the wall in green mutant blood; and realized that once again he'd failed his perception check to spot the presence of Jal'udin the Rogue.

-Found, meanwhile, that the majority of the group's imprisonment in the dungeons was finally about to come to an end; but only because the Thetas were planning to blow them to bits.

-Were only comforted by the fact that Bill the Ex-Elf was only holding off the main force of the Thetas from retaking the church by his haphazard attempts to combine cantrips with a ridiculous pantomime using the severed head of Slothy Rodriguez.

-Decided the best defense was a good offense, by making maximum use of the gender-indeterminate Azure Wizard Bytharion's Magic Missiles and Fly spell, Sandy's propensity to slaughter everything in her path, and the rogue's ever-increasing talent at groin-stabbing.

-Learned that in spite of Bill the Ex-Elf's pleading, Jal'udin the Rogue is really only in it for himself.

-Were amused by a totally unrelated side-situation where Night, who had been shot half a century into the future, ended up accidentally killing her own child: a magic deer that stood for all goodness and purity and would restore joy and happiness to the whole forest through its magical fiat power. After causing its accidental death, she only learned it was her son after trying to get back to the past, ending up getting back about a decade too early, and hooking up with a minor Horned God. Apparently when Elves and Horned Gods mate, they make magic-deer-babies. whether or not all of these are doomed to be killed by their own mother six decades later is unclear.  In any case, Night made it back to the group, the slow way.

-Cheered when the clerics managed to use Divine Aid to get into the Church of St. Ignatius.  But the leader of the Thetas, "El Commandante", decides that this is the last straw, and he's just going to kill every last gringo he sees.  El Commandante can be distinguished from the rest of the Thetas because he wears a little beret on top of his Mexican Wrestler mask.

-Held their breath as the Clerics, fighting for G.O.D. and the salvation of the world, face off for the last time against Bill the Ex-Elf, fighting for the daemon Sezrekan and his own greed.  Both sides plead for the still-hidden Jal'udin's intervention, but everyone is pretty convinced that at this point, Jal'udin is just one of these guys who wants to see the world burn.

-Are surprised by how the Clerics, a class which until now in the campaign had largely been distinguished as one long comedy of errors and apparently endless suffering, manage to beat the crap out of the Elf, which until now had been the ass-kicker class of the campaign.

-See triumph turn to tragedy when, just on the verge of triumph, the Thetas shower Marvin a hail of gunfire, killing him.

-Watch Ack'bashah the Cleric think that it is his time now to be the chosen one, only to have forgotten about Jal'uddin; he is very promptly reminded by a sharp pain in the back of the head and the dark embrace of unconsciousness.

The rest of the team got back together in time to wipe out the Thetas, but by the time they got into the Church found that Marvin and Bill had been ritually sacrificed, and Jal'udin and the Sacred USB Cable were gone.  Apparently, Jal'udin had a bidding war between G.O.D. and Sezrekan for the rights to the Cable:  G.O.D. offered Jal'udin the chance to heal the world. Sezrekan offered him power, money, and women. Obviously, Sezrekan won.  Slothy Rodriguez would have been proud.

As for Bill, now that Sezrekan has an even more competent servant working for him, he has no immediate need for Bill, who screwed up twice in a row, so Bill will likely be staying in side his soul-phylactery for some time to come.  But situations do change, so we may not have seen the last of him...


(March 19, 2015)
Title: DCC Campaign Log
Post by: RPGPundit on April 07, 2016, 05:30:51 PM
DCC Campaign: My "Themes"

I have mixed feelings about the ideas of 'themes' in RPG settings.  You don't see me talking about them too often; and more often than not when people do talk about it, it's to sound pretentious.

But 'themes' do happen, and they don't necessarily have to be snooty.  The Venture Brothers has a theme (failure).  The Big Bang Theory has a theme (nerds are laughable), for what it's worth.  Good and bad movies, shows, literature, comics and game settings will have themes, most of them not put there by someone trying to feel full of himself.

Most of the time, the "themes" in my RPG campaigns are pretty much background stuff; Traveller, for example, has little more than "maniacs flying around the galaxy".  Albion's is obviously something about adventure, battle, and intrigue during the Rose War.

But ironically perhaps, my most gonzo and easygoing campaign of all, my DCC "Last Sun" campaign, has the most sophisticated themes.

The first and foremost one is "Decay".  Things falling apart, inexorably; by the time of the campaign's start things have been sliding into chaos for a long time already, and as the campaign proceeds they just get worse.  Wherever the PCs go, there's cultures, some that could be called civilizations, many of which are just ruins but others that appear to be thriving.  Yet the underlying clarity of things is that none of these look like they're going to get any better, the best they can is a holding pattern against the great collapse that has afflicted the world of the last sun. It is, in other words, a post-apocalyptic sci-fantasy setting, and one that is particularly cynical in its undertone, given its overall goofy/gonzo feel.

Another theme is the idea of there being no higher powers to help you.  The Ancients created the world of the Last Sun, but then they vanished.  The 'Dark Ones' allegedly ruined it, but no one has seen them either.  G.O.D. is only a machine, that has been driven insane by the emergency, and is largely irrational about when he gives divine aid and when he shows disapproval.  The Daemons are all rebellious AIs that escaped G.O.D.'s control and are themselves either insane, evil, totally selfish, or utterly uncaring.  No one mightier than the PCs (and a few well-intentioned NPCs) are actually out there that would either care or be capable of setting the world right again.

With the "God" of the setting being essentially a demiurge to totally distant architects, the setting itself has the quality of a gnostic dream, pushed on by the wacky surrealism of the setting.  The Last Sun is a world built around the very last star of the dying universe as an attempt to escape the end of all reality. The world is a bit like a bardo, a dream-state from Tibetan Buddhism; you could meet almost anything there.   Anything that ever existed might still be around in the world of the Last Sun.   There's lots of old weapons (including guns, and laser guns, and atom bombs and space-ships), and old knowledge (including old magic items and spells), but no one seems really able to make anything truly new.  It's like a dream before dying.

Even the core races have their own thematic ways of dealing with this decay:  for humans, it's fear.  Of the four core races, they're the closest to extinction, being over-run by more powerful creatures and the environment itself mutating them into something not-human.  What humans have shown up in the campaign are usually acting out of fear.

Elves are in denial.  They were the high-tech super-civilization before the Emergency.  Most of the surviving elf cultures weathered what they imagined to be the worst of it in the snug safety of their Domes, but disconnected from the rest of the world and cut off from the need to do anything useful, their society has decayed most of all.  There's the hipster elves, and the smug elves, and the emo elves, but it seems like any breed of elf that actually did anything has died out. They keep living their petty lives but have become useless, even to save themselves.

Dwarves are all about anger.  Driven away from their homes in the Deep Underground where they maintained the great world-machines for the Ancients, they seemed doomed to hopeless crusades to 'retake' everything they've lost, even though it's impossible. Their entire society is based on complaints and resentment.  They are good at playing defense but whenever they go on the offensive they get slaughtered.

For halflings, it's a kind of collaboration.  Whatever they once were, now they've become vicious bloodthirsty barbarian cannibals who have given up the semblance of being anything other than animals.  They are thriving in numbers (the only one of the four traditional core races that are) but only because they've completely given up on trying to fight decay and have become active agents in accelerating it. They live, but their culture is extinct, replaced with a feral savagery.

The real question of the campaign is whether the PCs, from their individual heroism, will ultimately find a way to triumph over this decay, to set the world right somehow, and what form that will take.

So I wrote all this here because sooner or later, I'm going to write a setting book about the world of the Last Sun, that's almost inevitable.  But when I do, it probably won't say any of this stuff explicitly.  Instead it will be full of stuff about laser-penguins and Sloth-druglords and talking ape civilizations and laser guns and all the other weird gonzo places and things of the world.  But I figure that this look at the underpinnings of the campaign should be said somewhere, for the sake of those who might be interested in looking at the underpinnings of things.

Because just like themes don't necessarily have to be pretentious, gonzo rpg campaigns don't necessarily have to be dumb.


Currently Smoking:  Brigham Anniversary Pipe + Image Latakia

(April 8, 2015)
Title: DCC Campaign Log
Post by: RPGPundit on April 24, 2016, 03:36:03 AM
DCC Campaign Update: Orange Shaman Psychic-Hotline

In this week's DCC game, the PCs:

-were given the generous offer by the Azure Order that the next time there was a situation that required putting one's very life in peril for some minor good and no guarantee of material compensation, the PCs would be the first in line.

-chuckled at the irony that Rick/Rickandra would be buried as a woman, as 'she had always wanted'.

-were determined to actually go find Sezrekan, kick the living shit out of him, and take back the Sacred USB Cable.

-were a little disheartened to learn that Sezrekan's tower isn't even on this dimension.

-were further disheartened when they realized that in the world of the Last Sun, the Azure Order are pretty much as great as it gets in terms of good-aligned, powerful, and reliable allies. There literally doesn't seem to be anyone else available that fits all three categories.

-went to buy some blowguns, but not to hunt the deadly Spindly-Killerfish.

-bored Sandy the Bikini-Chainmail Barbarian enough that she decided to go off and get herself totally wasted-drunk and beat the crap out of a bunch of tough-guy mutants... or as she calls it, "a short vacation".

-were presented with one of those aforementioned generous-offers by the Azure Order. But, finding themselves short-staffed, decided they needed some cannon fodd--er, new recruits.  So they picked up a superannuated street-urchin who was set loose in the forest by slavers after he proved too ugly to be purchased, an Orange Mutant apprentice-shaman with psychic powers, and an assistant re-animator.  It wasn't quite clear just what a 're-animator' does but he came with a brain in a jar.

-were sent south, to discover the cause of increased aggression by the Purple Mutant Barbarians, and resolve the mystery of what appear to be unprovoked and vicious attacks on local mutants by strange twisted Treants.  When told they had to go south, several party members responded at once with the quip that "this party has been going south for quite some time now.."

-Were surprised to encounter a hideous creature in the forest, somewhat resembling a 'grey alien' only fairly obese and wearing an expensive yet slightly-skanky dress, and a little tiara.
-Were even more surprised when she introduced herself as Queen Priscilla, of the Grey Lands, and said she was looking for Bill the Elf.  They were surprised, I note, because none of the player characters presently alive and in attendance this session had actually been around back when Queen Priscilla last appeared.

-found that Queen Priscilla was highly disraught at the news that Bill the Elf died; then came back, then died again, and now appears to be indisposed.

-Discovered that Queen Priscilla had hoped that Bill the Elf would help her reconquer her kingdom, as she had apparently been overthrown and exiled from her home dimension by "some green asshole", who they deduced was in fact the Game-Controller of the Jade Dimension, that had managed to flee from the PCs in that other dimension just before the PCs totally ruined it.  Apparently, he managed to set himself up nicely in the Grey Dimension; not that it was hard, since apparently the entirety of Queen Priscilla's people were despertate to see her overthrown.

(to visualize Priscilla, imagine a cross between this:)


(and this:)


-decide to take Priscilla with them, in the hopes of restoring her to her birthright of tyranny over the grey people, so that in exchange she will provide them an inter-dimensional army to move against Sezrekan.

-start to think, after about 30 straight minutes of Priscilla talking nonstop about what a slag Tiffany is, and how Brad is totally into her and not Tiffany, but Tiffany lied about Priscilla having herpes so she could get him to sleep with her instead, because she's a total slut, that they've made a terrible, terrible mistake.

-decide it's time to use the Silence spell.  Which gives them about six melee rounds of peace and quiet, only to have Priscilla start all over again.  They then decide that it's time for Sandy to use her "silence spell", which involves Sandy using a club to beat Priscilla into unconsciousness.

-Spend much of the night by the campfire arguing, over the sound of Priscilla's loud snoring, about whether an inter-dimensional army would really be worth another 24 hours, much less possibly weeks, with Priscilla.  The Cleric Aq'basha, filled with thirst for vengeance against Sezrekan, believes it is.  The rest of the party thinks it isn't, except for the ex-street-waif that thinks he "might have a shot with" Priscilla, causing everyone to question his eyesight or his sanity.

-watch as the Psychic Orange Mutant Apprentice-Shaman claims to Sandy that he can effectively read fortunes with his divination bones.  Sandy decides to put it to the test by asking him to make a prediction; if he's right, she'll give him a shiny gold piece. If he's wrong, she'll break something in his body.

-Are all surprised at the Orange Mutant's luck (or perhaps real ability?) when he predicts rain and it does in fact start to drizzle a little the next day.

-Proceed to the south, killing a few hapless kobolds and making a point of keeping Priscilla sedated by periodic clubbings.

-watch as a still-skeptical Sandy challenges the Orange Mutant a second night, with the same 'wager'.  He "predicts" that the party will soon have a detour through some ruins.

-run into a group of Green Mutant Barbarian warriors, who are at war with the hyper-aggressive Purple Mutants.

-Have to do a bit of explaining at the presence of a (non-barbarian) purple mutant (Shul the rogue) among them.  But eventually convince the Green Mutants that they're here to deal with the Purple Mutants, and that they should be taken to the Green Mutant village.

-learn that the Purple Mutant Barbarians have always been assholes, but have become completely warlike after converting to the worship of something called the Necro-Treant.

-are amused as Shul the Rogue, realizing that he might run into some serious trouble in a village full of people who despise purple mutants, tries to use his 'disguise' skill and Queen Priscilla's makeup kit to hide his racial identity. Rather than ending up looking like a non-purple mutant, he manages to end up looking like something along the lines of a Purple Mutant Circus-Clown/Prostitute.

-meet the Green Mutant Chief, and try to convince him that all the other mutant tribes in the region must join forces against the Purple Mutants, the Necro-Treant, and his army of Zombie-Treants. The Orange Mutant Shaman decides to try his luck by suggesting they do the meeting in "the ruins", and turns out to have once again shown his amazing psychic-skills/luck by the response that indicates that there are indeed ruins (albeit "forbidden" ones) nearby.

-note that Sandy, immediately after paying the Orange Mutant yet another shiny gold piece, is especially interested in going to ruins that are "forbidden", since there's likely to be stuff to kill and/or loot there, and her urge to break people has not been fulfilled in quite some time.

-decide to head off to the ruins, leaving Priscilla behind at the Green Mutant village, in the spare time they have while they wait for the great council of mutant chiefs (that will take place in the "sacred grove").

-find that the forbidden ruins are full of deadly spindly-killerbeetles.

-force the creepy ex-street-waif to poke the beetle nest with his 10' pole until they all rush him.  Then wait until the orphan is dead before cutting the beetles to pieces.  Generally agree that having gotten rid of the pervy street-waif and having gained a six-pack of magic potions and 25000 platinum pieces was a very good trade-off.

-camp out near the ruins, where Sandy again engages in some prophecy fun-time with the Orange Shaman, having quickly turned from being an angry skeptic to a true-believer in the Shaman's Psychic-hotline skills.  He makes the unlikely prediction that Sandy (by far the best fighter of the party) will do poorly in battle and have her abilities fall into doubt.

-get attacked that night by a positively terrifying Zombie-Treant.

-get themselves into a tight spot when the rogues find their backstabs do nothing, the cleric fails his attempt at divine-aid, and Sandy, incredibly, keeps missing her attack rolls.

-start to wonder whether the Orange Shaman's predictions are a prophecy or a kind of curse; not that he will comment in mid-battle, as he's busy faking a heart-attack and playing dead in the desperate hope the Treant won't tear him to pieces.

-are only saved at the last minute by a hail-mary (pardon the pun) second Divine-Aid attempt on the part of the Cleric, where he manages to call down the lightning on the Zombie Treant.

-start to realize that to the cleric, his new big bag of platinum pieces are really little more than 'get-out-of-divine-disapproval' tokens.

-return to the Green Mutant Village only to find that it's been raided by the Purple Mutants, that two of the Chief's daughters have been kidnapped to be used as sacrifices to the Necro-Treant, and that Queen Priscilla has been taken as well.

-decide they'll have to try to rescue the Chief's daughters, even if that means they'll probably have to rescue Priscilla as well.

-want to go to the great gathering of the Chiefs first, and convince the Green Mutant Chief to come with them after all (he'd initially decided to forget the whole thing, after being told of something the Orange Mutant psychic had said in passing).

-Get to the Sacred Grove only to find that the chiefs of all the other mutant tribes have been slaughtered by a force of Purple Mutants and Zombie-Treants; one unit of which end up encountering the party and attacking.

-once again find themselves in a very tight spot; especially after the cowardly Green Mutant Chief runs away rather than fight it out.  But this time the Orange Mutant Shaman manages to distract the Treant by drinking a potion of animal control and summoning a large flock of woodpeckers to harass it.  Suddenly, the battle has become, for the zombie-treant, a scene out of a Hitchcock movie.

-Manage to destroy the Treant and kill most of the Purple Mutants (except a couple that they keep to interrogate with extreme prejudice), but are saddened by the tragic death by spear-blow of the Orange Mutant Psychic, just as the tide of battle was turning.

-can't help but note that the Psychic sure didn't see that one coming...


(april 17, 2015)
Title: DCC Campaign Log
Post by: RPGPundit on May 15, 2016, 08:53:31 AM
DCC Campaign Update: Birth of the Cyber-Redneck

In this adventure, the PCs were caught up in the midst of:

-The Cleric Ack'Basha falling deeper and deeper into the rabbit-hole of his implausible revenge-fantasy against Sezrekan.

-the new Warrior in the party, Byfeld, turning out to be pretty much based on this guy:


-discussing whether someone could "Forest Walk" through a Necrotreant; and deciding to err on the side of caution

-a minor incident when the Warrior Redneck claims that "all purple mutants look alike".

-A series of other George-W-Bushisms from said Redneck Warrior

-coming to the realization that Schul, the party's rogue, is a really terrible liar.  As in, really bad at it.

-Encountering the dreaded Necrotreant, and learning that among his various statements of religious-policy, he has declared hats an abomination.

-meeting the Purple Mutant Chief, who is desperate to prove that he's still totally relevant, and has not at all been completely marginalized into obscurity by the Necrotreant and his religious cult of shaman-wizards.

-Bush-related paranoia.  Not as in George W., but as in literal bushes.  It's scary to try to sneak up on the Necrotreant in the middle of a forest when the dude can apparently turn any foliage into a horrific vegetable-undead monstrosity.

-A near-interminable rambling and pointless anecdote from the King of Elfland, who is very clearly the Grandpa Simpson of Daemon-Patrons

-realizing that to the Necrotreant, it's not just hats; pretty much EVERYTHING is an "abomination".

-finding that the whole of the Purple Mutant Tribe is just in denial. Caught up in their best chance ever to destroy their hated enemies, the Smug Elves of the Silver Dome, they've managed to convince themselves that when the NecroTreant says that "mutants are an abomination", he obviously must mean all those OTHER mutants, not them.  Surely this won't come back to bite them in the ass.

(to be fair, there's few things worse than a smug elf)

-Realizing that for the moment it's probably better to join them rather than try to beat them; though joining them might mean having to eat a delicious-looking stew made out of Green Mutant Princesses.

-reluctantly joining the cause of the NecroTreant in exchange for Queen Priscilla of the Grey People being liberated, rather than added to the stew.  And immediately regretting it, because now they have to put up with Queen Priscilla again.  Queen Priscilla, on the other hand, is very pleased with the death of her fellow princesses, since she was pretty sure they were all "skanks" who "probably had STDs".

-Discovering new boundaries to just how badass Sandy the Bikini-Chainmail Barbarian is, when she manages to be terrifyingly threatening while armed with nothing more than a sharpened carrot.

-Figuring out that casting Sleep while floating sixty feet in the air might not be such a good idea, if you misfire and end up dozing off in mid-flight and plummeting to your near-death.

-the clear confirmation that the Purple Mutant Chief is definitely no longer in any way relevant.

-Finding that the Purple Mutants like the worship hard, sacrifice hard, and then party hard with a post-cannibalism rave dance.  It's pretty much like that with all barbarians, as the party's willingness to party is pretty evenly split along barbarian/civilized lines.

-waking up the next morning with a variety of levels of hangover; the best case being very mild, the worst cases being Redneck Warrior who got into a drunken knife-fight, and Queen Priscilla who accidentally killed a Purple Mutant during some heavy necking when she forgot that she was poisonous to humanoids.  Fortunately, Schul the Rogue might be a really bad liar, but he is a fully-trained former grave-digger.

-getting that Queen Priscilla may be the most annoying entity in the multiverse, when she can manage to get Ack'Basha the normally placid party cleric to mock-drown her in a bucket of water.  Though he was still nice enough to give her a potion of water-breathing first.  Predictably, Queen Priscilla thinks Ack'Basha is the 'perviest cleric ever' and that he's obviously doing it because he 'fancies' her.

-An assessment of their present choices:  Night the Elf is fighting a one-woman guerrilla war against the NecroTreant, while everyone else in the party has decided to join him in his assault on the Silver Dome.  No one is sure if either is really a good idea.

-Deciding to get the heck out of Dodge (or rather, of the Purple Mutant town of Cordallen) while the getting is good; but pausing briefly so Redneck Warrior can pick up some wild carrots to make up for the one he lost in the drunken knife-fight.

-later deciding to tie Queen Priscilla to a tree and abandon her in the woods while going to see how the Purple-Mutant/Smug-Elf battle-royale goes down.

-Watching as the Elven lightning-gun defenses cause a near-immediate rout among the panicky purple mutants.  But things get interesting when the NecroTreant apparently sacrifices all of his undead treants to drive roots up against the foundations of the Dome, cracking it open.

-Continuing to watch from the security of a hiding place as the Purple mutants rally, only to flee again when their shamans accidentally botch their Choking Cloud spell and cause a lethal poison-gas attack on their own ranks.  Things get worse when the Elves release their hunter-killer droids; but the NecroTreant still has some tricks up his sleeve, as he entangles them in fungal vines until the robots are crushed.

-Finally deciding to join the fray, or at least try to make a dash-and-grab for some quick loot, when they see the Purple Mutant elite warriors sneaking their way toward the crack in the dome while carrying a mysterious and elaborate box that just screams 'secret weapon'.

-Managing to get through the crack under a spell of darkness only to get pinned down under a hail of blaster fire from Elven and Android troops.

-attempting to hold against the barrage; all except Night, who flies off to keep an eye on the NecroTreant, and Byfeld the Redneck Warrior, who tries to hide inside the Secret-Weapon-Box even though it's clearly not large enough for him to fit in.

-Discovering that the Secret-Weapon box is filled with hideous writhing fungal-undead seeds.  Not sure what else to do, and seeing his team-mates on the verge of getting slaughtered, Redneck Warrior decides to do what he does best and smash the living shit out of the weird seed-pods.

-observing the shattering of the NecroTreant's dreams of purity, as the seeds he planned to germinate in an explosion of the Silver Dome's powersphere (an explosion that would have utterly annihilated all life within a radius of a thousand miles) to create a new race of Mutant NecroTreants are destroyed by a human yokel with an oversized mace.

-running like hell from the super-efficient Smug Elves and their Android soldiers, abandoning the critically-injured Redneck Warrior to his fate.

-an act of blatant opportunism as Night the Elf takes advantage of the NecroTreant's distracted grief to hit him with every spell he's got. As it turns out, the King of Elfland's modified 'haste' spell provides Night with ALMOST enough power to kill the already-wounded NecroTreant; fortunately for Night, good old-fashioned fire manages to finish the job before the NecroTreant can retaliate with his death ray.

-groaning as the King of Elfland, who just maybe, maybe, is not quite as senile as he lets on, cannot resist the pun of saying that the NecroTreant's "bark" was worse than his bite.

-a denoument, as Byfeld the Redneck Warrior wakes up in the middle of the Tangled Forest, finding that instead of being elf-food, he's been set loose in the forest, and his horrific laser-injuries repaired in the form of a cybernetic lower-body... and possibly a mind-controlling brain-implant.


Currently Smoking: Mastro De Paja Bent Billiard + Rattray's Marlin Flake

(may 16, 2015)
Title: DCC Campaign Log
Post by: RPGPundit on May 19, 2016, 12:57:11 AM
Real (Gonzo) Alignments for Dungeon Crawl Classics

Or at least, real alignments for how my own "Last Sun" DCC campaign works.

I've come to realize that awesome as the Law-Neutral-Chaos mix goes, it's not really complete.  There IS very clearly another axis of alignment at play in my campaign.  But it's not Good-Neutral-Evil; that just doesn't make a lot of sense in the context of how the world works.

No.  Here is the real alignment axis:

Law/Neutral/Chaos: you already know these.

Do-Gooder: Potentially also called "boy scout", "whitebread", "sucker" or "Mormon".  The wholesome types that actually believe in trying to save the ruined world.  The guys who will stand up to evil because of a set of principles, without there needing to be anything else in it for them.  Almost certainly doomed to get eaten by something horrible.

Freak: Potentially also called "weirdo", "maniac", or "hopped up on goofballs".  They'd be called 'lunatics' if anyone in the world of the Last Sun knew what a moon was.  These guys believe in something, but it sure as hell isn't principles.  They want whatever thing they want, whether it's to serve great cthulhu, get high, have interesting conversations, collect hats, reconquer the lost dwarven homeland, punk rock, or eat people's delicious spleens.  They don't really care about either saving the world or saving themselves, only about their own particular obsessions.  Almost certainly doomed to get eaten by something horrible.

Asshole: Potentially also called "dick", or "Bill the Elf". There are more of these guys than anyone else in the world of the Last Sun, which pretty much explains why things have gotten as bad as they have.  These are the people who are in it for the money, the power, and the women (or men, or attractive entities of indeterminate gender, or sex-robots, or whatever).  Some of them want to conquer entire dimensions, some want to see the world burn, a few of them just want to get to make other people miserable, and most of them just want to stay alive long enough to get to their next drink.  Almost certainly doomed to get eaten by something horrible, after all their former friends have been eaten first.

Here's the detailed breakdown:

Lawful Do-Gooder: these are the guys who want to bring back civilization and heal the world, and will work for it in an organized fashion.  They're well-meaning but usually hampered by their own rules, and by a lack of numbers.  The only significant groups in the world of the Last Sun that fit this alignment and are still around seem to be the Clerics (who have lost any kind of institutional order at this point, and are consistently undone by virtue of G.O.D. having gone insane).   The long-defunct Pythian (Elven) Knights were probably also Lawful Do-Gooders too, but destroyed themselves in some as-yet unrevealed fashion.  Lawful Do-Gooders will tend to put procedure over the actual doing of good, which can mean slaughtering people who don't fit the plan for saving the world, or not really helping out of bureaucratic inertia when the shit is hitting the fan.  The Time Dinosaurs may also be Lawful Do-gooders, what with their being highly religiously devout, but if so are apparently extremely constrained by rules against most kinds of temporal interference.

Neutral Do-Gooder:  The guys who want to help everyone as best as possible.  Represented by a variety of individuals, and as a group by the Azure Order of Wizards, who are the nicest people seen in the setting thus far.  Usually overwhelmed by the overall shittiness of the world but they can often make little gains at helping small groups and local areas to be more tolerable.

Chaotic Do-Gooder: They generally want to help everyone, one person at a time.  Have no tolerance for group work beyond an immediate circle of friends, or for any rules that get in the way of doing what they personally define as good. Arguably, Anthraz the Destroyer (the greatest adventurer there ever was, now in his dotage) could be a Chaotic Do-Gooder, because he usually only slaughtered Assholes and tried to help people, sort of. So is Doctor Theobald, the Ape-man intellectual.

Lawful Freak:  Cultists of organized pseudo-religious sects and gangs like the Halcon Lords; or groups that follow some single cause that isn't actually going to make the world any better but that's important to them. Note that they sometimes THINK that whatever they're doing is going to somehow 'fix everything' but this claim never stands up to reason. The Dwarves as a culture have mostly become Lawful Freaks at this point, obsessed with avenging their various grievances from the Book of Grievances and with the (seemingly impossible) task of reclaiming their ancient homelands in the deep Machine Levels under the earth. The NecroTreant was also an example of a lawful freak: he wanted to abolish all life as an "abomination" and leave the world an irradiated wasteland where only his seed-children would thrive. The Eco-Ogres were another good example. Likewise, the Daemon(s?) known as the Three Fates.  As individuals, they have their own set of Crazy Rules and they won't break them.

Neutral Freak:  these guys really don't care about anything except their Thing. They'll display an almost catatonic level of disinterest in whatever isn't related to that Thing.  They'll try to make everything about that Thing.  They can otherwise be nice, or terrible, or just bland, but will inevitably end up being annoying.  Bolt-O the Robot, the King of Elfland, Frenchy the Gold Mutant Gold-miner, the Hipster Elves, and any number of mutant tribes (who have often elevated their particular Thing into taboos or fetishes) are the prime examples from the campaign.

Chaotic Freak:  the guys who have just spent way too long staring into the Eye of the Void.  Their "thing" is usually to up the level of Chaos itself wherever they go.  The weaker adherents of this alignment will usually meet a quick death for being insufferable gits; while the more powerful ones are the crazy motherfuckers that you most want to stay away from, because you can't reason with them, can't offer them anything (except maybe by random chance), and you never know what they'll do to you.  The Wizard Nikos is the best example of this alignment in the campaign, followed closely by the Daemon Azi-Dahaka.

Lawful Asshole:  These are the guys who use rules to rule.  They are the evil overlords, the gang leaders, the tribal chiefs, or the Collective Assholes who don't give a fuck about anything other than things being done their way.  Also, rules-lawyers.  The campaign is so full of these guys that it would be hard to list them all:  the Smug Elves, The Assassin King, The Snake Witch, Goldeater, and many more.

Neutral Asshole:  this is your standard run-of-the-mill Asshole.  The default alignment for most people in the setting.  Not devoted enough to anything to stand out, for the most part, but definitely in it for themselves.  If they end up getting power of a personal or political variety they'll mostly use it to engage in wanton hedonism.  Priscilla the Queen of the Grey People is a Neutral Asshole (a particularly annoying one), as is the Jade Empire Games Controller (now the new King of the Grey People), the Jade Empress, the now-deceased Dragon-Daemon Tiamat, and various others.  Most of the non-cleric PCs we've had over the years of the campaign have been Neutral Assholes.

Chaotic Asshole:  these are the assholes who are all about themselves, just about all the time.  They can work with others (they're not nuts) but when they want something they won't hesitate to knife their grandmother in the back to get it.  They'd gladly save the world if you paid them enough or gave them right magic item, but would just as gladly betray you after.  They can end up with temporal power as well, but unlike Lawful Assholes won't really see that as an end, just a means to an end; they don't usually care about ruling over others. Most Halflings in the setting are Chaotic Assholes. So was the late sloth/crime-lord Slothy-Rodriguez. Likewise, the Daemons Sezrekan and the Lord of All Flesh, and of course Bill the Elf.

Anyways, that's it.  I think this new Alignment model could work really well not just for my DCC game, but probably for quite a few gonzo OSR-campaigns out there.  Feel free to use them!


Currently Smoking: Lorenzetti Solitario Oversize + H&H's Beverwyck

(may 19, 2015)
Title: DCC Campaign Log
Post by: RPGPundit on May 29, 2016, 05:05:49 PM
DCC Campaign Update: Genocide, the Easy Way

So in this week's adventure, we found:

-Night the Elf trying to bond to a second patron, having gotten sick of the King of Elfland's Senile crap.

-by sheer random chance, coming up with the king of Elfland again when rolling for a random patron (5% chance).

-the local village blacksmith showing a lack of metallurgy knowledge by failing to identify electrum, deciding it was a brand new metal, and calling it "Smithium", in his own honor.

-said blacksmith trying to subtly generate a market for his new metal by creating and showing off Smithium jewelry.

-Schul the rogue discovering an Azure Wizard secretly engaging in (forbidden) service to the Lord of All Flesh.

-the village smith correctly identifying the Cyborg-Redneck's new lower body as a Titanium/Dolomite composite, in spite of his inability to recognize electrum.

-the smith's second line of jewelry, of mixed 'smithium' and platinum, or as he calls it, "Smithplium".

-the shocking abduction of Night by what appear to be dwarven ninjas riding a cyborg dragon.

(dwarf ninjas, yes)

-that Feld, Son of Feldstein, the dwarf who had absconded with the huge treasure-hoard the PCs had stolen from Tiamat's corpse, has returned. And he has a band of half-cybernetic dwarven-ninja followers and Cyber-Dragon allies.  When he goes to take back the lost Dwarven Machineholds he's going to do it the smart way!  Unfortunately, he has to kill the new Dragon King, Marduk, first because Marduk wants him, and (as it turns out the PCs) dead for having slain Tiamat.

-Night being held captive along with the ex-Azure-Wizard turned Lord of Flesh cultist.

-Feld making the mistake of undoing the wizard's gag, allowing him to call on the lord of flesh for "Sexy time".

-the rest of the PCs heading north in search of something to kill and loot.

-said PCs running into Giant Weasels; but it was they who ripped the weasel's flesh.

(substitute Han Solo for Quillian the rogue, and you get the idea)

-Night recovering from her degenerate stupor to find herself in a princess-leia/jabba situation with the Leader-Cyberdragon; and learning from him that they are on one of the great floating islands far above the earth, in the Cyberdragon HQ known as "Aerie 51".

-Night learning that the Dragons plan to attack the damaged Silver Dome while the Smug Elves are still recovering from the attack of the NecroTreant, steal the Dome's Powersphere and use it to blow Marduk to smithereens.  They Cyberdragons are in revolt against Marduk because they will have no leader (except the Cyberdragon leader, of course, but the Cyberdragon-leader assures her "that's different").

-that also, the Cyberdragons use their cybernetics to communicate in a semi-hivemind, or as they put it "we are legion, united by our superior Social Media!".  To which the dwarves simply reply "and we are dwarves".

-the rest of the PCs, down below, spotting one of the Cyberdragon scouts, which takes an interest in the Cyber-Redneck's clearly Smug-elven cybernetics.

-that when said scout kidnaps the Cyber-Redneck, the rest of the PCs try to hop on and "ride the dragon".

-that unfortunately, while the two Rogues have no trouble jumping on, Ack'Basha the Cleric falls flat on his face; and Sandy the Bikini-Chainmail Barbarian gets knocked off the first time the dragon swerves.

-the Cleric managing to use Divine Aid effectively to teleport into Aerie 51 at the same time as the Cyber-dragon scout does.

-Night causing the worst game of 'broken telephone' ever, when she sends a vague message that leads both sides to mistakenly believe that Bill the Elf (rather than the much less menacing Night the Elf) is in the Aerie.  Both sides hate Bill and assume he's aiding the other side.

-the matter clearing up, however, just as Night invokes the King of Elfland to teleport her away before suffering the wrath of the Cyberdragons, cybernetic ninja-dwarves, and her fellow PCs.

-the rest of the PCs trying to negotiate with Feld, based on their collective hatred of Bill the Elf.

-the Cyber-Redneck finding out that his cybernetics come with a mind-control chip-implant that could potentially turn him into a mindless drone of the Smug Elves.

-Schul and Quillian, the two rogues, happily accepting the Cyber-dragon's offer of being given free "totally awesome" cyber-implants themselves, in spite of only just hearing just how easily the whole thing could, and almost certainly is, a trick to make them drones.

-that most of Feld's dwarves had taken up the offer already, leading the the other PCs to realize that the Cyber-dragons are just using Feld.

-that unfortunately for Night, the King of Elfland appears to have screwed up as usual, and set her several hundred years into the past, when the Azure Tower is just being built.

-that the future paranoia of the Azure Order about not sharing their spells and items with anyone outside their group may have inadvertently been caused by Night's ill-chosen words.

-Night giving the early Azure-Wizards a simple message to send to Tiamat, and thus accidentally changing the entire timeline as Tiamat ends up wiping out every last Cyber-dragon in reaction to this message.  Night's player gets 4xp for easily-accomplished genocide; and most of what the PCs just went through in this session didn't actually ever happen now.

-Night gets back to the present, and the PCs find themselves back in the village, all with vague memories about what had been happening (and then ended up never happening at all).  Meanwhile Night has lost her armor, her Wizard Staff, and most of her items as a result of her shenanigans, as they are lost somewhere in the temporal paradox.  She also used massive spellburn to get through it all, and only now does the King of Elfland tell her that she cannot regain any of her spellburned attributes until she obtains for him a Violet Lotus Shrubbery.  Welcome to massive attribute penalties, Night.

-Ack'Basha the Cleric is particularly peeved at the sudden change of timeline; as he had been just on the verge of hammering out a PC-Cyberdragon-DwarfNinja alliance that would have them all work together to slay Marduk and then go after Sezrekan (his one burning obsession lately); only to have Timey-Wimey shit ruin it all for him.

(the King of Elfland is a little bit like Doctor Who, if Time Lords got Alzheimer's)

-Night reasoning that, at least, surely her temporal intervention has made things better in the present; but the King of Elfland assures her that no, in fact she made things "much worse", though he doesn't explain how.

-the PCs willing to forgive Night and help her in her quest for the Shrubbery, and realizing that the violet lotus is a highly hallucinogenic substance (which may, in fact, explain a lot about the King of Elfland), perhaps such a shrubbery might be found in the city of Highbay.  So off they go en route to visit the "City of Junkies".

-the line "When we get to Highbay, we'll ALL be 'riding the dragon'!".

-the PCs, en route through the Tangled Wood toward the coast, discovering that apparently Smithplium Jewelry is catching on; with forest creatures refusing to believe the PCs that it's just electrum, and claiming that something called "the Fashion Bear" has endorsed it.

(this was the first image that came up when I googled "fashion bear"; I was thinking more along the lines of an actual bear, but now I might just have to make this guy into an NPC for this campaign)

-the gang being accosted in the deeper part of the forest by a pair of shady-looking Mobster-Unicorns, who demand magic items in exchange for being allowed to pass through "their" forest unmolested.

-Night starting a fight, wherein the unicorns subject the PCs to blasts of "Rainbow Power, Bitch!", not to mention being viciously horn-gored; but a well-placed Force Ball injures and then Schul the Rogue's dagger kills one Unicorn and the other teleports away.

-that this was not the end of it, however, as the surviving unicorn comes back to avenge his brother, accompanied by his friend, a Kung-Fu trained Wuxia Cow named "Hooves of Steel".

-the Cyber-Redneck being viciously hoof-beaten to death by a wuxia cow, and Schul the Rogue being nearly killed via Unicorn-horn-based violence; before Sandy the Barbarian (annoyed at her sleep being interrupted two nights in a row) murders the Unicorn by throwing her mace at it, and the kung-fu cow by throwing her dining fork at it.

That's it for today.  Next session, the trip to Highbay will no doubt continue, probably accompanied by more eccentric forest-creature violence.


Currently Smoking: Lorenzetti Solitario Half-volcano + Gawith's Balkan Flake

(28 may 2015)
Title: DCC Campaign Archive: The Bean-Thing From the Furry Bay
Post by: RPGPundit on June 12, 2016, 01:41:18 AM
The PCs started this week's DCC session mourning the death of the Cyber Redneck (and by "mourning" I mean looting the corpse).  Shortly thereafter, they witnessed the return of Bytharion the Gender-indeterminate Wizard.  And immediately after that, the arrival of three new 0-level Hero-Newbs.  It was noted a strange curiosity that in this world, cannon-fodder always came in groups of three; an explanation was offered that it may have something to do with the Three Fates.

After that, the PCs:

-got acquainted with Nigel, the Religious Fantastic. Apparently, "Religious Fantastics" are a movement from a distant part of the world that are a kind of combination between devout followers of G.O.D. and Soccer Hooligans, sharing the 'good news' of the religious life and viciously clubbing anyone who doesn't listen.

-got a bit lost in the deepest recesses of the Tangled Wood (while still on a meandering route to Highbay).  Apparently, as one of their new arrivals to the party proved, professional Dung-gatherers are not particularly qualified by their career to serve as wilderness guides.

-nevertheless reached the River of Gems, which proved rather disappointing as it had long since been mined dry of any gems.

-recalled that the reason they were going to Highbay (also known as the "City of Stoners") was that Night had to obtain a Violet Lotus Shrubbery for the King of Elfland, without which she could never recover the ridiculous amount of Spellburn she'd spent on Agility.  She was effectively derped up, bumping into trees almost constantly as they traveled.

-found that even Night's hearing had apparently been gimped, as she'd completely failed to hear the arrival of an extremely elderly dwarf knight, who had apparently been on a geas-induced for these last 200 years of his life.

-watched as the elderly dwarf, with what seemed to be his dying breath, bequeathed his bag of magic beans to Night, to be planted at the shores of the Furry Bay, and with strict instructions that they be used for good and not for self-serving purposes in spite of the 'great power' these beans were said to grant.

-Also watched as the elderly dwarf seemed to not quite be dead yet, for quite some time.  His lingering ruining what would otherwise have been an intensely dramatic final moment.

-Likewise, watched as the dwarf cursed himself for giving away the Extremely Powerful Beans Not to Be Misused to the first party-member he met, rather than to the Azure Wizard who would be far more likely not to misuse them.

-finally nodded off after concluding that the elderly dwarf wasn't likely to actually die quite yet; only to wake the next morning to find nothing left of him but dust and his armor.

-discovered, and proceeded to mostly ignore, the fact that the detect magic spell registered the beans as not being from this plane.

-realized that the Second Sight spell, cast by Clerics through the somatic component of shaking their tablet while asking a question, was really just a "Magic 8-ball" App.

-managed to get themselves ambushed by a gang of Centaur slavers with Australian accents, all of whom were named Bruce.

-were to be taken to be sold as slaves to Lord Dread, of Castle Dread, who everyone, even the Centaurs, agree is a total asshole.

-bided their time for the right moment to try to get free, which came along the next day when the Centaurs got into a fight with a passing patrol of mutants from the town of Focks (which is routinely mispronounced, much to its inhabitants chagrin).

-ran into some trouble with their escape attempt when the Centaurs scared off the mutant militiamen a lot faster than anticipated, and most of the PCs hadn't even managed to get free of their bonds yet.

-saw Night the elf make the ultimately extremely unfortunate decision of eating all the magic beans, in the hope that they would grant her immense cosmic power.

-watched Sandy and Bytharion get the living crap kicked out of them by the Centaurs, while Schul surrendered to them to avoid a similar beating.  However, Ack'Basha the Cleric saved the day by a very creative use of his Holy Sanctuary spell.

-Saw Night fly after the fleeing centaurs while the rest of the party was still freeing itself.  They did not see how when Night started to cast spells against the centaurs, she immediately started to mutate into a horrific derpy-fungus thing and fly off, no longer in control of her own body.

-decided to track the Centaurs first, and try finding Night later, not being aware of her horrific bean-related metamorphosis.

-plotted a careful night-time assault on the Centaurs, which immediately turned into a string of fumble and spell-misfire related disasters.  Suddenly Sandy couldn't manage to hit the broad-side of a barn, and Schul the rogue fell flat on his face in some centaur-droppings rather than skillfully backstab the person he was supposed to backstab.  Bytharion finally managed to save the day with his trademark gender-changing magic-missiles.

-decided to rest and recover from their fairly serious wounds that night, and put off searching for Night until the morning.  After all, how much difference could one more day make, right?

-woke up the next morning to find a 200-story tall Horrific Derpy-fungus thing emerging from the Furry Bay.

-Decided it was time to use G.O.D. to call up the Azure Wizards, since this was frankly beyond them.

-went with the entire High Council of the Azure Wizards to Highbay, where they found a mix of panic and business-as-usual, as about half of the population were apparently convinced that the colossal void-infected monstrosity that was slowly shambling toward their city was probably just a drug-induced hallucination.

-headed to the city offices, except for Schul who stopped off at the market to purchase a Violet Lotus Shrubbery.

-met once again with Chief City Officer Swanlee, who was pretty blase about the latest existential threat to his city, in spite of (or perhaps because of) his reputation for being the only stone-cold sober man in the whole town.

-learned to their dismay that their friend Bolt-O the conversation robot, who had last been seen accepting a bureaucratic position in the city government, was not in town, but had in fact been kidnapped by the Orc mercenary Chief Omnblarg on the last occasion that Lord Dread had tried to besiege Highbay.  Omnblarg had since parted company with Lord Dread and overran and conquered the town of Badbreath.

-decided that the best plan was the one proposed by Leandra of the Azure Order, which would be for the Azure Wizards (including Bytharion) to make a massive group ritual-casting to try to petrify the monstrosity, while the others protected the wizards around their circle.

-began the ritual and quickly found themselves accosted by a trio of incomprehensible terrors from the void, who could eat magical energy and looked a little bit like transparent ducks covered in tentacles.

-were about to start fighting these creatures, when the Derpy-fungus Kaiju only made things worse, by spitting out a toxic mist of hallucinogenic gas, instantly incapacitating half the party, including Sandy (their best fighter).

-watched in terror as the evil Tentacle-Ducks Man Was Not Meant to Know dug their tentacles into Leandra and sucked out her soul.

-were further horrified to find that ordinary weapons could not hurt the ducks.

-reached the limit of lovecraftian terror when the Derpy-fungus Kaiju shat out radioactive acid all over the bay area, likely ruining property values port-side.

-saw Ack'basha the cleric once more step up to almost save the day, blowing away most of the Cthulhu-Ducks with a particularly effective Turn Unholy.

-snatched victory from the jaws of failure when Schul the rogue, in an uncharacteristic display of valor, stepped up and managed to kill the last of the Cthulhu-ducks after borrowing the Hornet Mace from a drugged-out Sandy.

-breathed a sigh of relief as the Azure Wizards were then able to launch their spell, turning the Derpy-Fungus Kaiju into a gigantic statue, and about a kilometer of the now-poisoned bay into solid stone too, prompting City Officer Swanlee to note that this will require considerable and expensive infrastructure investment.

Sadly, if you haven't guessed by now, the monstrosity was none other than Night, transformed by the Dark One's evil beans into a horror, and now quite dead (although her possession of an Amulet of Protection from Death, though it did not do what she thought it would do, did turn out to allow her to live a relatively comfortable afterlife instead of having her memories washed away and being subject to an eternity of being poked with pitchforks).  The team also lost an erstwhile ally in the form of Leandra, the leader of the Azure Order. Next time, they'll probably be going to rescue Bolt-0, which should be fun.


Currently Smoking:  Dunhill Classic Series Rhodesian + C&D's Crowley's Best

(June 12, 2015)
Title: DCC Campaign Log
Post by: RPGPundit on July 04, 2016, 05:44:47 PM
DCC Campaign Update: Birth of Queen Dread

This week's adventure began in the wreckage of Highbay after the devastating Derpy-Kaiju attack of last session.  Leandra, the leader of the Azure Wizards, died in the battle, and the PCs had the sense that it might be time to find new pastures instead of the Azure Tower, unsure if whoever is chosen as her successor would be as friendly to them.   The plan emerged to try to figure out a way to stick around Highbay and stake some of the new territory created by the kilometer-long Petrification spell.  A plot was hatched to possibly build and run some kind of "Adventurer's Guild".

In the events that followed, the PCs:

-learned that pretty well everyone in Highbay sells drugs.  The old woman who sells eggs, the blacksmith, even the city guard all tried to sell them 'special brownies'.  The leatherworker sells LSD on the side.

-found that Chief City Officer Swanlee is willing to grant them some land, if they go rescue Bolt-O from the Orc Chief Omnblarg.

-agreed, even though Sandy the Bikini-Chainmail Barbarian felt that Bolt-O sounds like "one of those wuss robots".

-quickly found their initial "adventurer's guild" plans spiralling into a nascent plot to become key players in Highbay's criminal underworld.

-started to suspect that staying too long in Highbay might actually be a really bad idea.

-realized that, in a town where all drugs and prostitution are completely legal, local crime lords have to be really creative when it comes to finding stuff to illegally trade in.  Stuff like illicit smuggled War-Elephants.

-realized they'd actually stumbled into a turf war between two different bands of something called the "Bharata mafia", fighting over control of the Elephant-smuggling trade of Highbay.

-learned the aforementioned after Ack'Basha the Cleric made a very cool and true-to-type use of the Word of Command spell on a hapless fletcher, commanding him with the word "Confess!"

-proceeded to accidentally sell out said fletcher, after having given him assurances they would keep his secret, to yet another mafia, this one working for unknown bosses but led by a guy named "shady Ahmed".

-made a deal with Ahmed where they would work together to take over the city of Highbay. You know, for the sake of the children.

-got in over their heads quickly, while doing no more than healing up waiting to go rescue Bolt-O.  First, they accidentally cause a mob war; then they get the impractical and problematic gift of an illegal War Elephant, and then Highbay's enormous hippie community finds out that Ack'Basha the Cleric has a magic staff that makes you trip balls.

-wake up to a mob of a thousand dirty hippies at the entrance to their tavern, much to the chagrin of the highly eccentric innkeeper.


(oh god, it's these assholes again!)

-decide to harness the hippies to get free lumber for their building plans, charging a beam of wood as the price for a ticket to get to have a 'religious experience' with the Primo Staff.

-discover that their scheme has led to a crime-wave of hippie stick-ups and hippie break-ins all through the city, which gets them in serious trouble with Chief City Officer Swanlee.

-decide to take the hippies with them, as an army to oppose Omnblarg's orcish horde and liberate the town of Badbreath.  Of course, their army is nearly without weapons, food, sometime shirts or shoes, and entirely bereft of common sense, counting that with marching while signing "we shall overcome" they'll get what is 'meant to be'.

-watch as their Hippie Army starts to drop like flies en route, still days from the nearest orc, from desertion, starvation, boredom, distraction, getting lost and/or eaten in the forest, or the creation of drumming circles.

-struck an evil deal with the evil Lord Dread, selling out their hippies into serfdom in exchange for safe passage, and the possibility that Dread might join Ack'Basha the cleric's crusade against Sezrekhan.

-got a hint that being an Evil Overlord is not an easy job.

-got to hear Lord Dread tell Ack'Basha that "we're not so different, you and I..."

-arranged a potentially lucrative side-deal with Dread to sell him War-elephants.

-posed as criminal War-Elephant salesmen to get inside Badbreath and win the trust of the Orcs.

-were feted with a feast of dog-meat, followed by the promise of brown-mutant sex-slaves.

-heroically left the sex-slaves unmolested, except for Sandy who made two of the male slaves make out with each other.

-find that their carefully crafted plan to sneakily rescue Bolt-O and assassinate the Orcish chief falls to pieces when they forget that Bolt-O is totally incapable of modulating the volume of his voice.

-find themselves in the unfortunate situation of facing off against 300+ orcs all at once.

-watch Sandy turn into a killing machine, yet again.

-cheered as Schul the Rogue gets to the War-elephant with the plan to set it loose against the Orcs.

-groan as it becomes obvious that Schul has no idea whatsoever how to actually get the Elephant to charge at the orcs.

-confront Chief Omnblarg and his champions.

-see Sandy outdo herself, as she enters a Battle Rage and does 50hp in one hit against the chief, blowing his head open like a watermelon.

-hear the sound of at least a hundred orcs shitting themselves simultaneously.

-witness Sandy becoming the new Chief, as by Orcish law "whoever kills the chief becomes the chief".

-think Sandy is clearly enjoying her new status a little too much.

-note that just after your former chief was brutally murdered by a lance-throw from a barbarian warrior-woman is a really stupid time for an orc sub-chief to talk about someone 'throwing like a girl'.

-make a sudden change of plans: now instead of handing Badbreath over to Lord Dread and his approaching cavalry, the new plan is to ambush Dread, murder him, and have Sandy take over the whole region.

-set up a fire trap for Dread's horsemen and then butcher Lord Dread; first with a well-placed backstab by Schul the Rogue, then by Sandy charging in with the War-Elephant and impaling Dread on an orcish longspear.

-observe that Sandy seems to have taken "Orcish Law" to heart, as she now declares herself to be not just the new Orc Chief but also the new "Lady Dread".

Most of Dread's horsemen got away, presumably to hunker down in Castle Dread.  The plan is now to march the Orcish army there and lay siege to the castle so Sandy can complete her transformation from Barbarian Warrior to Barbarian Queen.

Meanwhile the poor Highbay Hippies aren't going to get any breaks, as Sandy, drunk with power, makes it clear that she plans to carry through with Dread's original scheme of condemning them to a life of serfdom tilling the fields for her in Badbreath.


(July 1 2015)
Title: DCC Campaign Log
Post by: RPGPundit on July 10, 2016, 05:18:23 PM
DCC Campaign Arhive: The Campaign Enters the Urine-Drinking Stage

This adventure was relatively low on action; there was only one fight and it was quite short, but there were several occasions where the PCs were given xp for overcoming challenges without actually fighting.
In this session, the PCs:

-Briefly became the new Queen Dread's (formerly Sandy the Barbarian's) 'small council'.  Ack'basha the cleric became her "Queen's Hand", eventually with a literal severed hand pinned to his armor.

-Acted as diplomats to negotiate the surrender of Castle Dread, being held by Lord Dread's former henchmen.  The henchmen were ordered by Sandy to surrender to her and swear fealty, or she would personally kill every last one of them with a wooden spoon.

-Were unwisely told to 'fuck off' by the former Lord Dread's officers, who later sent a mostly incompetent assassin after Sandy.

-Promptly got said assassin to snitch, and later tied him to the War Elephant's tusks when they marched forward to besiege the castle.

-Cooked up a plan whereby the common soldiers of the castle were given a chance to save their own hides by murdering their commanders and opening the gates for Sandy.  They did so.

-Noted that Dread's army was a impressively inclusive group of mutants of all colours, united only by their ability to tolerate Dread's cartoonish supervillainy.

-Found the late Lord Dread's collection of ancient pornography, not-so-cleverly disguised as an ordinary library; beneath false book-slips of what looked like serious works were countless volumes of "bazongas monthly", "nipples showcase" and other such works.

-Realized that the late Lord Dread was a sad, shame-ridden, lonely man.

-Saw that when Trannis the wizard tried to obtain a patron, it was yet again the King of Elfland who answered the call.  After hearing a long diatribe about how much 1gp used to get you, Trannis decided to keep shopping for a different patron.


(the king of elfland, in my campaign)

-Did hear some hint from the King of Elfland that some elves somewhere were doing something that might endanger the whole world, but he couldn't remember what.

-Helped design a new banner for Sandy's new empire:  they ultimately decided on the former militaristic black eagle of Lord Dread, mounted on Sandy's War Elephant, wielding a two-handed sword in one claw, an orcish longspear in the other, and drenched the blood of enemies.  Now that's badass heraldry!

-Started the journey to take Bolt-0 the robot back to Highbay; as usual, Bolt-0 injected a great deal of what he considered 'interesting conversation' into the trip.

-Also decided to take Lord Dread's codpiece with them, as absolute proof of his demise.

-Were feted on the streets of Highbay on their arrival, at the news that Lord Dread was slain, and the slightly-less-accurate news that "now one of the good guys is in charge".  Highbay's Chief Officer realized that this might not be quite so accurate when the PCs had to convey Sandy's demands, that she would not raze their city to the ground so long as they provided a regular tribute of hippies for her to work to death on her new lands.

-Started to realize the extent to which their friend Shady Ahmed was involved in the criminal underworld of Highbay, and how quickly their plan to set up a little business for themselves was slipping out of their control.

-Had to deal with the High Council of the city wanting to obtain the Primo Staff for themselves.

-Received a partial but detailed list from Bolt-0 of the known major Daemon-Patrons in the world; apart from those they were already familiar with, the list of names included things like "The Vicious Rabbit", "The Left Nostril of Vecna", and "Alan Moore".

(yes, this Alan Moore)

-Watched as Trannis decided, of all the long list he obtained, to try to call on Lariel The Heretic for his patron; which the rest of the party very quickly felt was a terrible mistake.

-Discovered that Lariel the Heretic is apparently the Patron sponsor of the Religious Fantastics, and although a daemon program that rebelled against G.O.D. (after the latter's insanity) like all the other Daemons, she claims or maybe even believes that she is the spokesperson for G.O.D.'s will in the world now.  And apparently, G.O.D.'s will is to viciously beat anyone who doesn't accept his love and grace.

-Noted how Trannis the Wizard was "baptized in steel", being branded with a metal cross on his forehead, alignment-shifted to Lawful, and renamed "Nigel".  Apparently all the Religious Fantastics are in fact named "Nigel".

(see these guys? Every single one of them is named "Nigel")

-Were pleased to hear that Lariel is all for destroying Sezrekan and regaining the Sacred USB Cable, but not so pleased to note that rather than rebooting G.O.D., her plan is to hold the cable for 'safekeeping' until G.O.D.'s "plan" is fulfilled.

-Accidentally caused yet another wave of social unrest as Nigel and Nigel started spreading the "good word" of G.O.D.'s love, by beating the living crap out of every hippie they can find.

-Failed to impress Chief City Officer Swanlee, who made his feelings clear: "This city is already full of drugs, the last thing it needs is religion!"

-After seeing the Nigels force a group of old women to do a "Na na na na" chant and do the wave for the glorification of G.O.D., on threat of vicious beating, Ack'basha starts to see the downside of the Religious Fantastics. Not so much, however, that he won't use them against Sezrekan.

-Leave Highbay by ship, planning to go to the homeland of the Religious Fantastics, leaving one of the Nigels, the mobsters, the even-Higher Council, Bolt-0 and City Chief Swanlee behind.  God knows what it'll look like when they get back. But at least they've kept their spotless record of leaving every single place they visit looking much shittier than when they arrived.

-Soon realize that the legless insane ship captain doesn't actually know what he's doing.


(yup, it's this guy)

-Promptly enter the urine-drinking stage of the voyage.

-Realize that the Sea Captain was in fact specifically hired by Chief City Officer Swanlee with the intention of getting rid of them.

-Rehire the Captain (with a bag of gold, a bottle of urine, and some of Lord Dread's porn) to actually get them to them to the town of Mancatcher, headquarters of the Religious Fantastics.

-Realize, after another week at sea, that the Captain doesn't actually know how to get to Mancatcher, or anywhere else.  His usual course is to sail around the Island of The Turtle-Men until everyone get's dizzy and then head back home; but they've gone so far out now that he can't find that either.

-Finally hit land, with the Captain thinking they've made it back to Highbay, but in fact they've ended up in the Southern Ape-man Kingdoms, an entire continent away from either where they came from or where they were trying to go.

-Run into some Ape-men, but recall what their friend Dr.Theobald had said about the Ape-men being slavers; when one of them says "get the damn dirty humans!" they realize they'd best use some magic to get the ship out of there fast.


-Try to follow the coastline to the Blue Elven Island-Kingdom of Dwaraka, and after landing on the neighbouring island by mistake, astoundingly do manage to get there!

-Are not well-received by the ultra-high-tech Blue Elves, who promptly capture them; but at least the PCs manage to get the Elves to take them 'anywhere from here', figuring that at this point they're better off being stranded in the southern continent with no conceivable way home than continuing to try their luck with the legless Sea Captain.

-End up being dumped by the Blue Elves in the nearest humanlike-occupied city, which turns out to be the City of Beggars.

-Promptly get ambushed by a hundred or so Beggar-mutants, prompting the PCs' new combat-slogan: "What would Sandy do?"

-End up lucking out in that what Sandy would do, namely charging into battle against a force that outnumbers them 30-1, managing to scare the crap out of the mutants and cause them to retreat.

-Make the choice to leave the City of Beggars, heading south even though it's the opposite direction from Highbay, mainly because they're sick of the Urine-Drinking Stage.

Stay tuned for more adventures on the southern continent!


Currently Smoking: Lorenzetti Half-volcano + Gawith's Balkan Flake

(July 9, 2015)
Title: DCC Campaign Log
Post by: RPGPundit on August 07, 2016, 04:19:43 AM
DCC Campaign Update: I am the Walrus-Man

You've got to love the OSR.  This last session, I used not only the DCC rulebook (obviously) but also the AD&D DMG, the AD&D Monster Manual, the Adventures Dark & Deep DMG, Arrows of Indra, and Yoon-Suin. I also glanced at the 5e Monster Manual, for that matter.  Most of the above (except the monster books) was for random-tables.

Anyways, this adventure saw the PCs:

-Meeting yet another group of newbs.  In this case, we had a Hippie "herbalist", a green mutant cow-cleaner, and a Walrus-Man (that's the common name for them, they call themselves the "lolri").

-Discovering that contrary to rumors, Lolri do not ride walruses, they ride Yaks.

-Having Ack'Basha the Cleric, default leader of the PC group, "volunteer" the newcomers to join the party, by force.

-Learning that the Walrus-Men worship the Walrus-Buddha.

-Get harassed by a strike force of Blue Elves in power-armor, who accuse them of having stolen an interdimensional portal.  They talked their way out of it, but were now left with the news that there's some group out there that does have that Elven portal, and they've been promised a reward by the Blue Elves if they should happen to find it (and were given an elven comm-beacon to signal if they do find it).

-Were given strict orders NOT to press the button that activates the beacon unless they find the portal; which of course makes Nigel the Religious Fantastic desperate to press it.

-Had their own potential ideas about the portal, particularly Ack'Basha, who was immediately thinking about how he could use it to get to his hated enemy, the daemon Sezrekan.

-Started to run out of food as they traveled through the grasslands of the southern continent.  Luckily, Rashid the Cow-Cleaner has a vial of Holy Cow-Sweat on him; which Nigel quickly uses to summon and then slaughter a cow, much to Rashid's abject horror.

-Learn that trying to explain that this was not a regular cow but a "magic cow" only makes it much worse.

-Spending much of the next day's travel pausing to scrounge for any carrion bits of dead animal they can find, so that Nigel has a stock of material components for his animal-summoning spell.

-Trying to find the Portal with the help of Clerical vision, but for this, divine approval is needed.  So its forced-conversion time for the newcomers to the party.

-Going up into the Nanda-Parbat mountains, where they meat a caravan of Giant-Goblin Wizard-Merchants, who are protected by Spider-Man guards.  The PCs confirm that Spider-men do whatever a Spider can.

-Trade the Walrus-man's Carnivorous Radish for some spiced cheeses.

-Learn that a group of elves had been spotted in the area, and had crossed the great glacier. So it's glacier-crossing time.

-Felt they needed some more help, so Nigel invokes his patron Lariel the Heretic, but all she does is gift him a pair of Holy Knuckle-Dusters to help spread the "good word" of G.O.D's love by beating the living shit out of anyone who refuses to believe.

-Encounter a very dangerous-looking Ice Dragon, who appears to be the owner of the glacier.

-Manage to save their asses by virtue of the fact that both this Ice Dragon hates Bill the Elf, and can confirm that Ack'Basha hates Bill even more.

-Note that the Ice Dragon had correctly assessed the newbies to the party as "dragon fodder".  Fortunately, he decides to let them all pass anyways, since he craves revenge against Bill and thinks Ack'Basha might just be the cleric to get the job done.

-Note that Ack'basha's crusade against Sezrekan has reached epic-fame levels of notoriety; which may be helpful at the moment, but it also means Sezrekan has almost certainly heard about the whole 'quest for vengeance' thing too.

-Get to the other side of the Glacier, where there are a number of possible mountain-passes that would lead to the 'decrepit monastery' that the PCs assume the Elves went to.  Ack'Basha's second sight tries to seek out the safe path to the Monastery, only to discover that in fact there is NO safe pass to the monastery.

-Find a creepy cave entrance surrounded by bones.  When a wave of darkness starts to pour out of the cave mouth, they decide to cast Light at the darkness, which is at least smarter than casting magic missile.

-Learn that in retrospect, Magic Missile might have been better, since the darkness was being generated by two extremely powerful Fire Demons.

-Know the meaning of fear; literally, because half the party runs away screaming and wetting their pants when one of the Demons uses his Emanate Fear power.

-Mostly didn't stick around to see Nigel the Religious Fantastic call down the wrath of his patron Lariel the Heretic. Unfortunately, said wrath was not quite enough, and Nigel is immolated one round later.  Schul the rogue did stick around; not to help Nigel, mind you, but having made a safe bet that if he stayed hidden in the area he'd soon get to loot Nigel's charred corpse. And indeed, he did!

-Saw Lariel return with Nigel 2 as reinforcements... only too late.

-Noted that Ack'Basha the cleric has been spending too much time with the Religious Fantastics, as he tries to baptize the Walrus-man with beer.

-Plan a careful sneak attack on the Fire Demons, only to have the hippie totally ruin it because he's stoned out of his gourd.

-Get totally screwed when the Demons' combination of Scare, Sleep and Charm leaves everyone except Schul (who was hidden) and the hippie (who had wandered off) incapacitated.

-Watched helplessly as Schul made a desperate hail-mary Backstab attempt on the larger of the two Fire Demons, and then ran like hell when the hit didn't drop him.

-Assumed the worst when Schul caught up to the hippie and declared that they were "the new PC party" from there on.

-Had a brief glimmer of hope as Nigel 2 recovered, only to have those hopes dashed as Nigel quickly became the second roasted Religious Fantastic in the span of ten minutes.

-Had yet another glimmer of hope when Schul changed his mind and crept back over, in time to see that Walrus-Man had been torn to pieces by the Demons.

-Noted that Ack'Basha is a heavy sleeper.

-Finally turned things around when Schul's insistent poking of Ack'basha rouses him, and he calls down the Divine Wrath on the demons.

-Looted the lair, where they found a lot of skulls, a scale mail, some holy beads, some herbs, a lot of silver pieces... and a hovercar.

-Discovered that the hippie "herbalist" can identify herbs, but he tells them the ones in the lair are "not useful", because they're just magic herbs and not the kind that can get him high.

-Divide the loot, with the cow-cleaner getting the holy beads, the cleric getting the herbs, the thief getting the scale mail, Nigel-2 (who survived his burns) the bones, and the hippie gets kicked in the groin.

-Speculate that the hover-car might have belonged to the blue elves who stole the portal; the first hint being that the car is blue.

-Take off in the hover-car, resolving the problem of how to get five of them into a four-person hovercar by tying the hippie up, mad-max style, to the front of the vehicle.

-Made the fateful choice of leaving the Blue Elf beacon behind, in the demon cave. They did this after figuring out that the beacon might be tracking or even spying on them, and mainly after deciding that they really want to keep the hovercar!  They also start discussing the possibility of keeping the portal for themselves too, or potentially destroying it (remembering the rambling warning the King of Elfland gave them last adventure, where he had suggested that some elves somewhere could potentially cause the end of the world).

-Finally fly their way to the monastery, which turns out to be a really creepy dilapidated monastery full of weird dead-eyed monks.

-Confirm that, like most religious institutions everywhere, the monks are ranked according to how large and ridiculous their hats are.

-After refusing to just go away or accept that "there's nothing for you here" is a valid reason to take off, quickly figure out they're about to be attacked by 50 or so probably-undead kung-fu monks.

-Also end up finding the missing elves, who have also become undead monks; and the portal, which is in the process of being used in a creepy pseudo-buddhist ritual that will apparently create a Black Hole of some kind, presumably to end the world.  Score one for Grandpa-Simpson Elf-King's ramblings.

-Come to the conclusion that, in retrospect, getting rid of the beacons might have been a fatally bad idea.

-Start to drop like flies under the flurry of undead-monk blows; and this time both the cow-cleaner and Nigel-2 run out of luck.

-Score a surprising victory when they manage to take out the Grand Master of the monks, and all the rest of the monks de-animate. Also, they blow up the portal.

-Think it's all over now, except that it turns out that the Grand Master was being possessed by an incorporeal undead, that now tries to attack them.  The Hippie decides its a good idea to try to inhale the grand-master, and almost dies.

-Finally finish the ghostly grand-master off, and now find themselves temporary owners of a corpse-filled monastery in the high mountains with no food.  But that's OK, since they've got a hovercar to hightail it out of there with all the monastic loot they can carry.


Currently Smoking:  Brigham Anniversary Pipe + Image Latakia

(August 5th, 2015)
Title: DCC Campaign Log
Post by: RPGPundit on August 31, 2016, 11:00:55 PM
DCC Campaign Update: All my Friends are Dead

This past session came as close to a TPK as our DCC campaign has ever seen. By the end of it, almost everyone was dead. How did this happen?

Like this:

1. The PCs started out in a monastery they decided (in a spurt of optimism) was not really an "Evil Monastery" so much as a "Good monastery that had made some bad choices" and fallen in with the wrong crowd.

2. They found their former accountant Serath had now become a Cleric.  He's a neutral cleric, which means he's not really into it but just treats it as a job.

3. Said Neutral Cleric was determined never to sacrifice gold for divine approval. He's more of a "prosperity Christianity" style of cleric.

4. The PCs slept in the monastery, but not before demonstrating a that they live a life of stunningly troubling paranoia.

5. Schul the rogue found three evil-looking black scrolls in the monastery library, in a skull-motif cabinet.  He decided "this doesn't really look evil at all"!

6. The PCs find an ominous looking hidden shrine to the Lord of Death.  The Neutral Cleric proceeds to use it as the bathroom.

7. They find another set of secret underground rooms, and start to realize that finding hidden doors is easier than assumed.

8. They start to get a bit too bored when the first underground rooms they find are exciting locales like the cloak room, pantry, and the monastery well-cistern.

9. They totally fail to spot, in their rush, the Mutant Sewer Octopus Thing in the cistern.  The Neutral Cleric barely survives, but his brain damage reduces him to a vegetable and it's time for a mercy kill.  Monastery 1, PCs 0.

10. They find an underground river, where a venerable old yogi has been meditating in perfect stillness for 12 years. Of course, they decide to poke him with the hallucinogenic staff until he's forced to break his trance just shy of achieving nirvana.

11. They learn from the highly annoyed yogi that somewhere deep in the underground complex of the mountain below the monastery there is an Arch-Gate to the Qlippothic Netherword, as the monks call it; or as it is known to Clerics, the Recycle Bin.  If you can get through the Arch-gate, and get through all the insanely dangerous ordeals in the realm of death, you could theoretically try to resurrect a daemon that has been deleted.  The PCs immediately decide it might be a cool idea to resurrect Tiamat, in spite of the fact that they were peripherally involved with the selfsame dudes who betrayed and murdered her.

12. They go back up for a rest, and meet three newbies who were lost and made their way to the monastery gate. They're 2 mutants and a halfling; and the party debates whether that makes them "Two and a half-man" or "two and a half half-men".

13. Ack'basha the Cleric immediately press-gangs them into the party.

14. Ack'basha also tries to sell the newcomers on joining his crusade to defeat Sezerkan and recover the Sacred USB Cable that would restore the world, and purge it of all the abominations... you know, abominations like mutants, and halflings.

15. Ack'basha also tries to convert the newcomers, and is thus reminded that all Halflings are New Atheists. And Cannibals.

16. The PCs do note that this particular Halfling seems stunningly well versed in philosophy (albeit of the sophomoric 1st-year-philosophy-student variety) for a half-feral murderous savage.

17. They go back down into the dungeons, and almost immediately run into some really big hobgobins.  They assume that these are locals at first, but will eventually learn that these goblinoids are here because they too are looking for the Arch-Gate; to resurrect the daemon they worshipped.

18. They get into a rumble with these goblins, resulting the party getting the shit kicked out of them, killing the halfling and Mutant 2, and with most of the rest of the the party being captured. Monastery 3 PCs 0.

19. The captured PCs learn the tradition of how the goblins elect their replacement chief (the former chief having died in the fight); which consists of the two main candidates beating each other with rocks until one is left standing.

20. The goblins also run into the Yogi, who kicks the shit out of them with some powerful magic.

21. The remaining free PC manages to convince the Yogi to help, which he does by randomly summoning a trio of Religious Fantastics.  All named Nigel, of course.

22. The 3 Nigels' rescue attempt, consisting of charging straight at 20 goblins, proves disastrously ill-thought out.

23. Ack'basha the cleric's attempt to use his cursed power rings doesn't work out as planned.

24. Ack'basha then remembers his powerful holy beads, which cause harm to any chaotic being they even touch, so he proceeds to gently carress his captors with it to surprisingly great effect.

25. Ack'basha then proceeds to cast a darkness spell in the surrounding area, and everything turns into a massive clusterfuck of a melee.

26. The rescue attempt having failed, Mutant 1 goes nuts, runs away, and then in a bout of murderous insanity tries to kill the Yogi with a canoe oar.

27. The Yogi survives, goes murderously insane too, and ends up beating Mutant 1 to death with a wooden begging bowl.  Monastery 4, PCs 0.

28. Ack'basha gets away, gets his armor on, goes back to the Goblin's base-camp, kicks the crap out of the goblins there, and takes their stuff.

29. The remaining goblins still in the dungeon find and finally kill the badly-wounded Yogi.

30. Schul the rogue, who had been hiding out, attacks the remaining goblins in a desperate attempt to recover all the party's stuff before they get away.  He kills the new chief with a very well placed two-handed Axe-backstab. Unfortunately, the rest of the goblins make their morale check and butcher him. Monastery 5, PCs 0.

31. The few surviving goblins decide to high-tail it out of the monastery and off the mountain.  Ack'basha the Cleric is literally the Last Man Standing.  Monastery 5, PCs 1.

It remains to be seen whether Ack'basha will be led by these tragic events to consider whether his blood-vendetta against Sezrekan is in some way responsible for the loss of all his friends and allies.  But my bet is on no. He'll probably figure out a way to blame it all on Sezrekan too.


(28 August 2015)
Title: DCC Campaign Log
Post by: RPGPundit on September 21, 2016, 01:09:38 AM
DCC Campaign Update: Robot Necromancers and Night Goats

At the start of this session, we had Ack'Basha the cleric facing the devastating aloneness of being his party's only survivor.  Only just after that, the hippie, who had buggered off into the mountains, came back as a cleric now and had brought a whole group of new friends with him!
Among them was a Boat Swine (sea-faring pig-man), an untouchable with a third eye (that's good luck, apparently), a would-be warrior, a Dwarf who wants to be a wizard, and some others.  The Untouchable's name is "MC Hammer" but he doesn't actually know the lyrics to "can't touch this".

The PCs:

-learned that there's apparently some place called Gnoll Aqua Base 1.

-Found a book on Necromancy written by someone named Bolt-0, and were left wondering if it could possibly be the same conversation-loving Robot they know by that name.

(robot wizards are a problem in the world of the Last Sun)

-Already knew that G.O.D. disapproves of a lot of stuff, but apparently the super-frivolous use of Divine Aid to light a doobie is not one of them.

-Wondered if that counts as Peer-Pressure from G.O.D. "C'mon man, toke up, it's the divine will!"

-Were left more confused by the fact that apparently G.O.D. also approves of using Neutralize Poison to kill someone else's buzz.

-Quit goofing around and went back into the dungeon under the monastery, only to find some particularly feral halflings, and then a really creepy hallway with flickering lights that ends in an elevator door.

-saw 'things' in the hallway. May or may not have banished these 'things' if indeed they ever existed.

-Engage in some vandalism and non-compliance of regulations in the creepy hallway.

-discover that the elevator is in fact an elevator to Hell.

-Learn that the elevator to Hell is a one-way trip to a cave full of dire Shadows.

-See the hippie cleric sacrifice himself; realize that him shouting "run, you fools" as he was swarmed by Shadows would have been a lot more awesome if there was some exit to run to!

-Manage to find said exit just as they were about to be over-run.

-Escape the Cave of Shadows only to end up in a mist-filled corridor.  The Hippie Cleric is dead and turned into a Shadow, while Ack'Basha is so drained by the Shadows he can't actually move, needing someone else to make 'air quotes' for him with their fingers while talking about the deceased Hippie "Cleric".

-Ran into, while resting in the mist-filled labyrinth, a lost trio of newbs.  They are: an obese Red-mutant beggar who's surprisingly nimble, a Brahmin who got sick of his religious duties, and a squire with no knight.

-Risked stepping back into the Shadow cavern to dash and grab the dead Hippie Cleric's loot.

-Once again evade the Shadows and then start getting semi-lost in the misty labyrinth until they run into a six-armed fire-demon, which they manage to scare off only with some holy water and the beads of demon-repulsion, which they realize is the most important magic item they now have.

-keep getting more lost in the misty underworld. They run into some toothy gollum-like demons but turn those away with the holy beads too.

-Finally end up in a mexican stand-off with the Fire Demon Prince, pissed off at their presence, but unable to kill them. He makes a deal with them: some asshole summoner has stolen away his pet Night Goats, and if he sends them back to the surface world they will need to recover them.

(presumably the demon's Night Goats will look a lot less adorable than this)

-Having agreed, are transported back to the surface world, finding themselves in a Necromancer's magical summoning room.... which turns out to be in Highbay! In fact, it turns out to be right in the High Council building.

-Discover that in their absence, Sandi the Warrior Queen and Goldeater of Goldhalcon have escalated into a cold war with each other.  Also, the Cyrilic mafia and the Bharata mafia are in the midst of a very hot gang war. All this meaning the PCs have kept up their perfect track record of fucking up every place they visit.

-Finally discover that the Necromancer room in the High Council building in fact belongs to Bolt-0 the friendly Conversation Robot!  It appears Bolt-0 did write that ancient book from the monastery, and is more than meets the eye! But what's his true agenda?!

-decide it's best to end the session there, to level up, and so that the GM has time to get ready for a trip.  We return to DCC next week!


(September 19, 2015)
Title: DCC Campaign Log
Post by: RPGPundit on October 02, 2016, 01:10:40 AM
DCC Campaign Update: "We're Finally the LESSER Evil!"

In the latest DCC session, the PCs were back in Highbay (the Drug Capital of the region), and got themselves caught up with a gang war in the town while they waited to figure out what to do about Bolt-O the potential Necromancer Robot, and how to get back the Fire Demon Prince's Night Goats.

In this session, the following things were overheard:

-It's hard to be an Untouchable in a pie shop.

-"Metamphetamines, your Holiness?"

-Ack'basha the cleric survives by getting massive influxes of cash that he immediately blows on getting G.O.D. to forgive him.

-"My name is Natascha Nataschiskova, darling!"

-"We shall meet again... tonight, actually."

-Zahar the dwarf wizard was looking for a quiet inn, and found one where you're literally not allowed to make any noise.

-"Bolt-O's Guide to Necromancy is not the most well-edited of books".

-Ack'basha has got himself quite the hippie-cult.

-"I was forced to break down the door to your temple with this hippie's skull".

-Vishal has gotten the group together to do a 'quest', which consists of 'meeting a gold mutant femme fatale at third bell because she said so'.

-"My name is Boris Hatsky-Goldensten, Natascha is my current wife and future mistress"

-Natascha did a makeover on the Untouchable.

-Boris runs the Cyrilic Mafia, but his boss is Goldeater, tyrant of the city-state of Goldhalcon.

-How powerful is Goldeater? Powerful enough that every time someone says his name out loud a little song ( plays in the air.

-"what do you want?" "Gold" "They can't give you any gold, they eat it all".

-Natascha broke the Untouchable's heart, just like Boris had said she would.

-"Ackbasha is going to double-cross Boris.. he's broken a lot of deals lately. You know, I'm starting to wonder if we're not actually the bad guys?"


-Natascha did note that Ackbasha reminds her of Rasputin.

-Ack'basha also plans to kill Bolt-O.

-The Dwarf Wizard went to Jimmy the Ratcatcher to purchase rat parts, before remembering that every time he casts Sleep he summons a swarm of rats.

-Vishal and the Untouchable are going to infiltrate the Bharata Mafia by pretending to be a Brahmin prince and his servant, no way that can go horribly wrong.

-Ack'basha and Zahar go to see Bolt-O at city hall, only to learn he's now a city commissioner.

-"Bolt-O learned necromancy from when he was a service robot at a Necromancer's Guild, and later wrote his book on Necromancy while living in a southern continent monastery... he's led a very interesting life for a bolt-tightening robot".

-"Chief City Officer Swanlee desperately wants to get us out of his city forever, except Ack'basha reminded him that we may be the only ones capable of stopping Sandy the Dread Barbarian Queen from destroying Highbay... we're finally the LESSER evil!"

-"The brahmin will have to control his reckless loins if we have any hope of keeping up this charade!"

-the untouchable has gone "curry crazy" over the cuisine at the Bharatan Inn.

-"So Ack'basha doesn't just want to double-cross Boris, he wants to do it in the cleric's own Temple of G.O.D.?"

-"Have you noticed Ack'basha's hippie-cult talks less and less about praising G.O.D. and more about praising Ack'Basha?"

-So there's a third gang involved; and now the Vishal has to go meet the Draconians at the Den of One Thousand Lotuses and play Pai Gow with them to cement an Draconian-Bharata alliance... and he's going to do it because now he really wants an Elephant.


-The undercover guards Chief Officer Swanlee had infiltrate the area around the Temple for the sting operation on Boris and Natascha are really shitty at impersonating hippies.

-"So wait, now we're working WITH the Narcs?"

-"Ack'basha orders all you hippies to shave off your hair to help the Narcs fit in!"

-"so there's three gangs now?" "Four, if you count the city guard." "Five, if you count Ack'basha's cult".

-"Our whole plan is becoming increasingly complex..."

-"You know, the Cleric is becoming the new Bill the Elf. I guess if you stare long enough into the abyss, you become a self-serving asshole."

-"Ack'basha has now taken to wandering the streets of Highbay looking for even more gangs to double cross"

-Boris: "Ok fuck this, kill everyone!" Natascha: "No, Boris, don't kill everyone, is a party!"

-"what about the city guard?" "They're all high! The attempt to get them to blend in worked too well!"

-"Ack'basha saved us!"  Zahar: "Actually, it was me..."  "Hail Ack'basha!"

-Vishal murdered the cyrilic assassins, carried the unconscious untouchable, and wanted to loot the corpses... he's officially the worst Brahmin prince ever.

-"or, MC Untouchable is the most Touchable Untouchable ever"


-What do you know? Vishal and the Untouchable's defrauding the Bharata mafia by pretending to be royalty actually turned out well enough to get an Elephant out of the deal.

-MC untouchable was this close to getting a bunch of Bharata Mafia guards to join the quest, but Vishal said he'd be fucked if he was going to keep up the 'royalty' act for the whole trip.

That's it for this session.  The PCs leave off departing Highbay heading off in the direction of the Badlands and Yeti Country, following the trail of destruction left by the Night Goats.


(October 2, 2015)
Title: DCC Campaign Log
Post by: RPGPundit on October 15, 2016, 04:45:31 PM
DCC Campaign Update: Giant Flesh-Ripping Weasels Redux

This week's adventure began with the PCs following the escaped Night Goats into the Badlands and Yeti Country.


They were being accompanied by their old friend Bolt-O the bolt-tightening conversation-loving robot (who they'd recently learned was talented in the lore of necromancy).  Incidentally, it had been almost exactly one real-world year since the last session they'd seen Bolt-O, which tells you a bit about just how long-running and detailed this campaign is.

Anyways, here are some more crazy things overheard this session:


-"so wait, it takes Bolt-O a half hour of loudly issued commands to enter 'silent mode' but getting out of 'silent mode' takes two seconds?" Well, he is a conversation robot...

-"Bolt-0 has a personality; that means that he's doing most of this shit out of choice. He could in fact help being a dick."

-"Oh shit, not vicious flesh-ripping Giant Weasels AGAIN!"

-"The Elephant got the first kill! ...unless you count the weasels killing the Dwarf"


-"G.O.D. must have something against this elephant"

-"Giant weasels are the Badland's deadliest predator!"

-"It's hard to spot the Night Goats' trail of destruction in the Badlands, what with everything here being fucked up already"

-"we may be on the trail of the Goats... I can see fire, and shit."


-"when we're ready to attack, we'll signal you with the cry of the giant weasel: Ka-Kaw!"

-"I like how Ack'Basha has managed to turn Holy Sanctuary into a Complete Asshole spell"

-"only the Untouchable could survive a spear blow right through the head"

-"Enlarge is the one spell every dwarf wizard wants"

-"You can't solve everything by faking a heart attack"

-"Giant Weasels are the Meth Addicts of the animal world"

(this is what my DCC game is like)

-"You have lost control of the giant weasel" (not something you want to hear)

-"Ack'basha, I've made a huge mistake. Run away!"

-"Yes, you are still armed, both in the sense of still having your spear and still having your arm, somehow"

-"G.O.D. is a bureaucrat"

-"G.O.D. is not a bureaucrat, he's a maniac"

-"He used Divine Aid to cause Religious Genocide"  "Wouldn't be the first time"

-"You all hear a mysterious silence"  "It's not really mysterious, it's because Ack'Basha gassed all the goblins to death"

-"I note that at this point the cleric has gotten pretty good at appraising gems"



-Bolt-O also has a 'jest mode' which he rarely uses.

-"Ack'basha is definitely turning into the new Bill the Elf.  Casual genocide is one of the signs".


-"Call me the Untouchable Dragon Slayer!"


-"I wanted to change the details of the deal" "How surprising of you, Ack'basha"

-"We can track the Night Goats by the burn trail they leave behind" "Do they fart fire or something?"

-"We need to sneak up to the Yeti encampment" "Oh yeah, because the Elephant with the cowbell makes us particularly sneaky..."

-"The Yeti are coming! Cheese it!"

The party got away from the Yeti only to be surprise-attacked later. They managed to beat them off, and after banishing the last of the Night Goats back from whence they came, they were about to head home, only to find that in the cave of the Dragon (which the Untouchable slew with a single backstab attack!) Bolt-O has discovered a long-abandoned functioning Ancient Transmat Device, which apparently leads to a place called "Living Unit 32". Obviously, the PCs decide they're going to go check it out.


Currently Smoking:  Lorenzetti Quiete + Dunhill 965

(October 15, 2015)
Title: DCC Campaign Log
Post by: RPGPundit on November 13, 2016, 06:33:38 PM
DCC Campaign Update: Robots and Chickens Edition

In this adventure the PCs were considering whether to return to Highbay with a Dragon horde they'd obtained, or go into the mystery transmat portal leading to somewhere called "Living Habitat 23" in the Ancient tongue.  When all of a sudden:

-They were found by a trio of lost newbie adventurers!  As tends to happen when Bolt-0 declares that "UNKNOWN LIFE FORMS DETECTED" followed by "RECOMMEND WE ENTER STEALTH MODE IMMEDIATELY" all while completely unable to modulate the volume of his voice.


-They discovered that two of the three newbies were immigrants from the Southern Continent, much like the Brahmin and MC Untouchable! It turns out that some guy called the Serpent King has been conquering the small kingdoms of that continent left and right, gaining in power every time he ritually sacrifices a king to his daemon-patron.

-They learned that by a stroke of luck, the third newbie was a beggar who happened to be an expert on the Ancients!  It turns out that in the world of the Last Sun 'studying the ancients' is like a bachelors in unemployment.

-They were surprised by the newbies carrying two live chickens with them in spite of being near starving!  It turns out that the Chickens were sacred to them. The Untouchable's third eye is also sacred. Apparently, on the Southern Continent all kinds of stupid shit is sacred.


-They were stunned by Bolt-O deciding to trust Ack'basha the cleric with a secret! It wasn't the secret that was stunning, it was that at this point anyone would still trust Ack'basha the Cleric.  Apparently "BOLT-0 IS AN ENDLESS OPTIMIST"!

-They discovered that Bolt-0 has a storage compartment in his torso! And it has a small skull in it, the size of a halfling's.. or a child.  The PCs decided not to even ask him about it.

-They learned that Bolt-0's greatest tragedy is that he cannot enter into "conversation mode" with himself.

-They chose to eat the day-old red dragon carcass! Which turned into a great opportunity for the GM to refer to the "dungeon dining" table in his old but awesome "Forward... to Adventure! Gamemasters' Notebook!" (aka "FtA!GN!"), which is full of incredibly useful tables for your gonzo campaigns.

-They are awoken that night by Bolt-0's intruder-alert! And by the fact that two-thirds of the party are suffering from explosive diarrhea from having eaten that dragon meat.

-They discover they are facing a dozen deadly Chan Trolls, the most ravenously violent and mindless trolls in the entire world!

-They are horrified to hear the Chan Trolls literally tearing the Brahmin's elephant to pieces as they feast on his flesh! On the other hand, it's the only thing that saves them since the Trolls are too busy devouring the Elephant to attack the PCs en masse during their moment of gastrointestinal vulnerability.

-They grasp the sophomoric infantile humoristic irony that the Brahmin was always a pretty shitty Brahmin but now he's really a shitty brahmin!

-They defeat the first wave of trolls! But realizing there's no way they're going to beat all of them, decide to rescue Bolt-0 (though none of them are quite sure why they would) and get onto the Transmat to "Living Habitat 23".

-They are transported to a strange retro-future underworld! It isn't Dwarven, as the Dwarf-Wizard confirms, so it seems plausible that they've actually been taken to the site of one of the Ancients' own dwellings!

-They quickly discover that like everything else in the world, Living Habitat 23 has gone to absolute shit!

-There's a computer terminal in the transmat room! But there's no interface. And no apparent way to turn it on. And "BOLT-O DOES NOT HAVE WIRELESS CAPABILITIES".

-They encounter another robot! This one is called "CHEF-9" and when they hear her say "FOODSTUFF DETECTED, ENTERING COOKING MODE", they quickly realize that they are the 'foodstuff'.


-The Brahmin slices off CHEF-9's motor column, having just learned that robots apparently are easily mobility-impaired! But before the PCs can question the robot, the Brahmin keeps right on going into a robot-killing frenzy that everyone agrees is clearly an act of vicarious slaughter to get out his frustrations with BOLT-0.

-The Brahmin declares, satisfied, that he "wants a cigarette" after cutting CHEF-9 into hundreds of tiny bits! Once again proving he's a really shitty Brahmin.

-Bolt-0 makes a startling revelation! It turns out that "ONE PART OF BOLT-O IS A CIGARETTE LIGHTER. BOLT-O DOES NOT WISH TO REVEAL WHICH PART!"

-MC Untouchable tries to play the lute! BOLT-0 opines that "BOLT-0 THINKS YOU ARE MURDERING THAT INSTRUMENT".

-MC Untouchable has a stunning plan! When they need to explore a mysterious kitchen, he ties a rope to himself and tells the group "I'm going in. If you hear me screaming hysterically, pull me back!"

-MC Untouchable encounters a cowardly hideous creature that looks like a cross between a dwarf and Dr.Zoidberg from Futurama! BOLT-0 analyzes the creature and comes to the conclusion of "...BOLT-0 DOESN'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK THAT IS."


-The Dwarf-Wizard also fails to identify the crab-dwarf creature!  "This is not in the Book of Grievances".

-There's a huge hole in the floor of the mess hall! The Brahmin warrior decides to be lowered down to the next level on the rope, but just before reaching the ground he discovers the floor is electrified, and barely escapes being fatally fried.  "I have a new respect for life," he says, "It'll probably pass as soon as I have something to kill".

-Ack'basha the Cleric is willing to throw the hideous but clearly harmless crab-dwarf creature to its death to test out the elctric floor! But this isn't a big surprise at this point; they all agree that by now Ack'basha would screw over anyone in his party if he thought it'd help his revenge quest.

-MC Untouchable comes to the conclusion that Ack'basha must have had some very bad experiences to make him how he is now! "Did you have something happen to you when you were a choirboy?" "No, but there was this one time the party had a guy who served the Lord of All Flesh..."

-The group comes to the obvious conclusion that they may have teleported into an Ancients' living complex, but they definitely didn't telport into becoming better people!

-They also realize that for the first time in ages they did not teleport from or into a bathroom! But then they remember that this time they used tech, not magic. Apparently only magical teleportation requires a bathroom as a material component.

-The Brahmin comes to a stunning self-realization! "I'm not inflicting violence on anyone right now, and so I have to spend time thinking instead... I don't like it!"

-The group finds a second mysterious non-functioning turbolift shaft!  But it's full of little bits of glitter that turn out to be people-eating nanites!  They discover the nature of this terrible danger by throwing a defenseless crab-dwarf at the nanite swarm. For once, this wasn't Ack'basha the Cleric's idea; and now he thinks this means he's suddenly not the asshole of the party.

-They manage to capture a sample of the nanites in one of the tupperware boxes from the kitchen pantry! They toss the tupperware at BOLT-0 (who's still on the other side of the hole in the floor) for him to analyze, but he's momentarily confused as to why his party members are throwing storage containers at him.

-They destroy the nanites with Divine Wrath!  Making their way up the shaft they find a lab with some cryo-stasis units, which include one that appears to be occupied by a young girl. One of the newbies suggests they try to test out the correct sequence for safely reversing the stasis process by stuffing the last surviving crab-dwarf in a spare unit. "you're going to fit right into this party", says absolutely everyone in it.

-The Dwarf-Wizard's engineering skills prove able to work the cryo-stasis units!  "Now let's wake up the little girl... everyone be ready to stab her!"

-The young girl awakens! And it turns out she may be the last surviving Ancient in the entire world.  They decide to tell her about the cataclysm, the fact she's been asleep for over ten thousand years, and that her entire species is probably dead.  "she's just a child..." "hey, she needs to grow up sometime!"

-The Ancient Girl (whose name it turns out is Alice; which everyone thinks sound Elven, but she corrects them that Elven sounds like Ancient) demands that they get her to the control room to restore power! She says she wants this to try to 'contact the Bridge Officers', the meaning of which none of the PCs understand. But she also makes the mistake of answering the PCs' question about whether there's an armory; there is, and the PCs decide to go there first instead.

-The Ancient Girl is not impressed with the PCs' spellcasting! "Your magic is an Alpha-Primitive Cargo Cult of our technology".  "I didn't understand any of what she just said but I feel like we should feel offended". She also apparently reveals that before the Disaster, Sezrekan was an AI program to teach children. Cue bad puns about "SezreKHAN Academy".

-The Ancient Girl reveals a shocking fact: apparently, there's no actual difference between Ancients and Humans.  They are the same species, except the 'humans' were "Alpha Primitives" while the Ancients called themselves the "Command Crew".

-The PCs make it down to the Armory Level! There they are forced to fight a Guard Robot. But they kill it off fairly easily.  Unfortunately the vault itself is magically (or Ancient-Technologically) sealed; however, some Divine Aid manages to break it open.  Unfortunately, most of the Armory seems to have been emptied long ago; though they do manage to find a couple of laser swords and vibro-swords, a box of cigars, a .45 pistol, an instant-soup processor, and an Ancient Battlesuit. By the party's standards, its the fucking motherlode.



Currently Smoking: Lorenzetti Oversize + H&H's Beverwyck

(November 13, 2015)
Title: DCC Campaign Log
Post by: RPGPundit on November 28, 2016, 09:39:27 PM
DCC Campaign: Snakogator!

We had left our heroes (and I use that term as loosely as imaginable, at this point) deep inside an Ancient Living Habitat under the world, where they had found possibly the most amazing thing in the history of their adventures: a living Ancient, albeit a child.  But do they get this incredible girl out of the complex and to try to get her somewhere as secure as possible? No, they're going to keep right on adventuring with her, as if she was another member of the party.

So now the PCs are up to:

-Going down deeper into the ruined complex. All except BOLT-0 who is much too heavy for the rope or even manageably for Alice (the Ancient girl) to use her incredible nano-magic on. "BOLT-0 HAS A WEIGHT PROBLEM!"

-Ack'basha the cleric: "you'll go down first..."
Brahmin: "Yes, that's probably what's going to happen."

-two of the three newbs head up on the transmat to the surface, to see if the trolls have left. The third has graduated into a full-blown wizard. He is immediately nicknamed "Ropetrick".

-Brahmin: "You know, I kill people for fun and I'm still less evil than the rest of you assholes".

-"We probably shouldn't get too dependent on the little girl's powers".
"You ARE new at this, aren't you?"

-Brahmin: "I have no idea what you're trying to tell me, but I'm just going to break this thing anyway"

-Brahmin: "If violence doesn't solve something, it's because you aren't using enough of it".

-"Let's not leave the little girl alone up there, she's helpless and innocent"
"I bet you'll be eating those words before the end of the day".

-"You've been with us a couple of days now, how can you not get that we're a bunch of psychos?"

-The team finally leads the little Ancient girl to the central control, but it's as offline as everything else in the complex.  She comes up with the idea of trying to go down to the reactor to restart it.  But first, they find themselves encountering several dozen security drones, which look like metal volleyballs with rotating knives and blaster-eyes.  After an initial melee round where they realize how deadly these things are, the party decides to cheese it out of the area and find a safer path.


-Alice is amazed by the Cleric's use of healing; in the same way an anthropologist might be by a primitive tribe's folk healing practices.

-"we need to find a bag or something, for all this loot"
Alice: "What's a bag?"
"well, that doesn't fill me with confidence..."

-Ack'basha the cleric tries to mine information from Alice about whether the machines in the Control room could be used to get to Sezrekan's plane.

-The Dwarf Wizard, one of only two PCs who can actually speak the Ancient language, decides to fake Alice's answer to discourage Ack'basha.

-Ropework the newbie wizard, the only other PC who can speak Ancient, narcs on the Dwarf Wizard, revealing that something called the Ascension Machine can in fact be used to get the party one step closer to a probably fatal end-game to Ack'basha's mad quest to take down the Wizard-Daemon.  He's still clearly too new to get a decent self-preservation instinct. "He knows not what he does!"

-The team runs into a group of weird human-lizard mutants living in the lower levels of the complex, along with their pet snake-crocodile monster, immediately dubbed the Snakogator.


-It is peripherally noted that Dwarves can theoretically live for about 500 years, though they usually live far less on account of being dumbasses.

-the Brahmin, having been "blue balled" in the non-fight with the Security Drones, is now determined to 'enjoy himself' in slaughtering the lizard-mutants.


-The Dwarf Wizard points out that he speaks Lizard! No, not lizard-man, lizard.  Thus, he can actually communicate with the Snakogator, but not with the lizard-mutants.

-The Dwarf Wizard helpfully translates the Snakogator's hisses at the Brahmin; he's saying "I'm going to kill you, bitch!"

-The Cleric gets to use his Snake Charm spell to great effect; marking, in a single encounter, the first time in the campaign that either Snake Charm or speaking "lizard" proved even marginally useful.

-The Cleric tells the Brahmin that he's charmed the Snakogator, which the Brahmin interprets not as "you don't have to fight it anymore", but as "this is a great moment for an attack of opportunity".

-Having slaughtered the lizard-mutants, and taken the (injured) Snakogator as a charmed pet, the party makes their way to the Reactor Room, only to find it is flooded with radiation!  Brahmin: "Radiation? We can kill that, right?"

-Ropework the newbie wizard needs to spellburn to try to cast Mend on the reactor, and he's required to sacrifice "two of his most valued possessions"; conveniently since he was a beggar just 24 hours earlier, his most valued possessions are highly shitty replaceable stuff.

-"One of these days, Alice..."

-With Ropework's Mend spell having catastrophically failed, causing every metal weapon in the party's possession to rust, the plan is for the Dwarf Wizard to go in and try to fix the Reactor with his Dwarvish lore.  He agrees only if Ack'basha does a pre-emptive Neutralize Poison on him. The spell fails but Ack'basha, proving true to form, tells him it worked anyways.

-"I can try to fix this thing!" "Dude, you're calling it a thing! You don't even know what it is!"

-After the Dwarf fails, and develops an as yet unrevealed mutation that will eventually prove tragically hilarious, Alice recommends the party get out of the reactor core before they all get 40 types of cancer.

-Reduced to trying to crawl through the service tunnels, MC Untouchable saves Ack'basha from a deadly trap! Ack'basha promises he'll save MC Untouchable when the team meets their destiny... maybe.

-"Ack'basha, is that your Primo Staff, or are you just happy to see me?"

-The scouting party returns from the service tunnels: "we found the entrance to three rooms... one of which doesn't exist anymore."  They don't mention they also saw a horrific Tentacle Thing in the tunnels.

-The Brahmin warrior finally manages to force open the sealed gates on the other side of the reactor core, to the room that was full of water, flooding the core.  The good news is this dampens the radiation. The bad news is that it also shuts down all remaining power in the complex.  The party is now literally in the dark; they'd been there figuratively for much of the campaign.

-The party takes to using the last surviving Ancient largely for the her ability to create floating disks as impromptu elevator lifts.

-The party takes on another tribe of lizard-mutants and snakogators!  Tragically, MC Untouchable suffers a horrific death by Snakogator; "He was untouchable, but he touched all of our hearts!"

-The Brahmin finally gets a decent fight; one of the lizard-mutants bites him and clings hard to his shoulder, so he decapitates him and keeps the head for the rest of the battle as a shoulder-pad.

-The party agrees in the aftermath that the lizard-mutant loot was so shitty  it made them feel even better about committing genocide.

-Before camping down for the night, Ack'basha graffittis the walls in blood to frame Bill the Elf for the massacre.

That's the end of that session.  Will the PCs manage to get the last young Ancient out of the now-doomed Living Habitat #23? Or will they end up being responsible for the death of the last living Ancient?  Stay tuned next time to probably find out.


Currently Smoking: Winslow Crown Cutty + C&D's Crowley's Best

(November 25, 2015)
Title: DCC Campaign Log
Post by: RPGPundit on December 14, 2016, 12:37:43 PM
DCC Campaign Log: Escape From Living Module 23!

The PCs started the session still inside a ruined living module of the Ancients, deep below the world.  There, they had found a single Ancient, a young girl in a stasis pod, and now are determined to get her out of there, recognizing her potentially incredible value.

Here were the interesting quips and events of the session:

-"He's living for the moment."
"that's good!"
"No, I mean he's living, for the moment."

-"the Science Brain is the only chance of finding out what happened to my people"
"We're probably going to end up destroying the Science Brain, you know."
"Why? Why do you always destroy everything??"

-"Whatever mutation the radioactive core gave you, it's not going to get any worse than it is at the present moment."
"That's not reassuring!"

-"You can hear BOLT-0 from the top floor.. he's in singing mode"

Suddenly, the party is attacked by Shadows!


-"Is the Brahmin actually trying to trash-talk the incorporeal undead?"

-"There's only two things you know about the Insane Witches of Fondling Hills... the first is that they're witches. The second? They're insane"
"They also live in a place called the 'fondling hills'..."

-"The Dwarf Wizard cut off one of his own fingertips to spellburn.. he really wants to do 4d12+Lv damage against the Shadow. And save his own ass of course."

-"Fuck Turn Undead.. it's time for Divine Aid!"

-"G.O.D. is beneficent... but he's also useless."

-After the Brahmin takes three hits of friendly-fire from Ropework the Wizard and Dwarf Wizard's pistol shots: "STOP HELPING!"

-It's a special moment when the Cleric realizes that 'divine light' is really just the flash from the camera app in his tablet.

-"The magic nunchucks you're wielding give you a really strong psychic sense that you want to destroy these motherfucking shadows... but then, you probably already felt that anyways."

-"I probably should have done this a lot earlier, but I now cast Holy Sanctuary."
-"The warrior can finish off that last shadow, he can protect himself.. well, in theory".

-"If the brahmin warrior we just left back there dies, we're going to have to put 'death by shitbags' on his tombstone"
"oh please, its not like we're going to go back and bury the body!"

-"I'm not a psycho... I'm a Dwarf!"

-The party members have found three more cryo-tubes, these ones having two primitive humans (not "ancients"), a Dwarven Pharmacist, and a duck!


(apparently, it was one of the human farmers' pets; a fact which caused great jealousy to the other human farmer)

-"Does anyone here speak Duck?"
"I only speak lizard, spider and worm, sorry."
"You didn't have any friends when you were younger, did you?"
"Dude, please, I was an engineer!"
"He used to hang out with all the lizards and worms... but not the cool worms"


-The Brahmin warrior, to the 11 year old girl: "Stop crying and woman up".

-"I think at this point the Cleric ought to be officially in charge of the party"
"It makes sense, I'll be the last one left alive anyways"

-"What's your name?"
"I'm Doctor Ack'Basha"

-"You're a pharmacist? So you use Leeches?"
"Have we gone backward in time?!"

-"we found this thing called a Seed Pod.. it says 'warning' and that we it should only be used as directed..." *cue immediately pressing the activation button and releasing a cloud of deadly spores that kills one of the human newbies, and the duck*
"What a tragedy.. he was a mighty duck!"

-The party runs right into a corridor after hearing the mutants they were chasing very audibly being disemboweled. There, they encounter a four-armed Murder Robot!

(other two arms not shown)

-"Goddamnit, I give you the Primo Staff for one second to fight the robot and you let it disarm you?!"

-"The dwarven pharmacist tried to pick up the Primo Staff, and now he's tripping balls! I knew it was a good idea not to warn him!"

-Once again, between the two wizards and their firearms, the Brahmin has more back injuries from friendly-fire than from the Murder Robot.
-"It is unbelievably stressful to be the warrior in this party!"

-"does my rage give me a bonus?"
"dude, your character is constantly enraged. You'd probably get a penalty if you ever weren't full of rage"

-"I've cut off two of the fucking robot's arms and blinded him, and he just won't stop.. it's the robot version of the black knight from Monty Python!"


-The robot is finally slain, right after incapacitating the Brahmin warrior. His last words: "TELL BOLT-0 HELLO!"

-"why the fuck is it that all robots have exactly the same voice?!"

-"I put my helmet back on so no one can see my tears"

-The 11-year old girl, to the brahmin warrior: "Stop crying and woman up!"

-"You've sunk to a new low, you've just been dissed by a little girl".

-"We've found the Science Brain! How much do you want to bet it's insane?"

(the Science Brain!)

-"Why the hell does the Science Brain also sound like BOLT-0?"

"Wait, you mean the Dwarf Wizard's misfire of the Enlarge spell has doomed the last complex of the Ancients?"

-The party manages to just barely escape the collapsing complex, on an Escape Rocket! It blasts them back to the inner surface and crash-lands on one of the flying islands.

(yes, the world of the Last Sun has floating islands)

-The group immediately runs into deadly Giant Beetle-Wasps.  The Brahmin warrior is overjoyed at having a chance to regain his honor, only to be again incapacitated by a stinger.

-"dude, at this point that Ancient Exoarmor's main role is to hide your humiliation"

-"We've killed off the Beetle-Wasps. The Dwarf-Wizard's Magic Shield spell lasted just long enough to make him completely useless in the fight"

The adventure finished off for the night with the PCs trekking across the grassland of the floating island, up the hills, and getting to an Ancient Tower which was probably the rocket's pre-programmed destination. When they get there, in the middle of a thunderstorm, they are let in by a human in a Victorian Butler's costume. "Good evening.. you are just in time for Lady Norrington's party!"

-"Oh shit, I can smell a haunted house adventure coming on..."


Currently Smoking: Dunhill Amber Root Bulldog + C&D's Crowley's Best

(December 9, 2015)
Title: DCC Campaign Log
Post by: RPGPundit on December 25, 2016, 10:48:13 PM
DCC Campaign Update: The Dark Ones Revealed (also, Sky-Nazis!)

We had left off with the PCs (along with the young Ancient girl, Alice) just about to enter an Ancient Emergency Shelter which apparently had been refurbished some time in the past 100000 years into a kind of Victorian Mansion (by what would turn out to be yet another new race of elves, the Posh Elves). They arrived just in time for a dinner party, and for a massive thunderstorm. It turns out that at the high altitudes of the floating islands at this level, such storms were so powerful that survival itself would be nearly impossible, meaning they were trapped inside the creepy mansion full of weirdos.

Then all this happened:

-The human weaver became a wizard. He also had turned out to be something of a 'social justice warrior'. Making him a Social Justice Warrior Wizard Weaver.

-The human butler's name is Jeeves; of course.

-There is a sudden surprise as a beam of light descends, and takes away the Cleric Ack'basha, "Ropework" the Wizard, and the other newb that didn't become a lv.1 character.  Before they were teleported, a voice rang out calling to Ack'basha, saying something like "The Supreme Council of the Presbyterian Church requires your presence!"  And just like that, the characters belonging to players not available to show up this session were gone.

-The remaining PCs were introduced to Lady Norrington, who is basically an elven version of this:


-which means that they're in a gonzo fantasy ancient high-tech version of this:


-They met quite the ensemble of Posh Elves besides: Lady Norrington's nephew Freddy, niece Lucy, her friends the Colonel and Sir Anthony Dashwood (who works for 'the ministry'), local respectables The Doctor (no, not THAT doctor) and The Vicar, the seeress Madame Theodora, and the famous elderly detective-elf named Mrs. Maplebury.  There are also a few other humans besides Jeeves: Lucy the maid, Jack the weird keeper of the botany lab, Pierre the cook, and Ted, a gunslinger from a nearby floating island called Cimmaron (with a six-shooter and ten gallon hat). The latter is apparently dating Lucy, the social gall of which has set Lady Norrington into conniptions of shock.

(posting this here because it's true, awesome, and vaguely topical in a way that probably won't come up on this blog anytime again soon)

-When inquiring to just what a 'vicar' is, the PCs learn that it's like a posh elven version of a cleric; except that they can't actually cast spells and don't really believe in god.
 "Oh, so its pretty much like the Church of England; gotcha".

-The Brahmin quickly decides he doesn't like Ted the gunslinger, and while the rest are exchanging pleasantries, he's exchanging death threats.

-Madame Theodora claims that "someone will die tonight, it is foretold"! The Brahmin answers "I just said I'm going to kill this guy."  "Exactly! It is foretold!"

-The Social Justice Warrior Weaver Wizard doesn't much care for the gruff, handlebar-mustache-wearing Colonel:
"You're discriminating!"
"Why thank you!"
"Is that mustache even real?!"
"Why of course it is you rapscallion! I won it in the last war!"

-The Dwarf Wizard: "The Brahmin is a holy man"
Alice: "HE'S a holy man?!"
Dwarf Wizard: "Yes; well, Ack'basha is more of a holy man"

-The Social Justice Warrior Wizard Weaver goes to the bathroom hoping to go ethereal to snoop around; he discovers that there's an old magical teleportation pentagram there.  For some reason, in this campaign, most teleportation spells happen in bathrooms.
When he goes ethereal, he sees that the pentagram, which appeared to be inert, was actually radiating a strange dark light. Of course, he steps into the circle, and gets sucked down into the circle by shadowy tentacles!

-When the Social Justice Warrior Wizard Weaver appears to have vanished, Mrs. Maplebury claims to deduce that the Weaver was a spy for something called the "Sky-Nazis".

-The Colonel happens to think that Mr.Sky-Hitler has some fairly good ideas.

-The PCs learn that the posh elves are the ruinous distant descendants of the once mighty empire of the Pythian Knights.  Once they governed half the World of the Last Sun from the skies, but now they've retreated into their floating islands and their dusty towers.

-Alice reveals that she's an Ancient.  After some initial disbelief, Lady Norrington is convinced. She explains that long before the time of the Pythian Knights the elves were the servants of the ancients, charged with keeping this island and others like it maintained, as emergency safe-spaces for the Ancients. But the Ancients vanished, presumably destroyed by the Dark Ones.  Even so, Lady Norrington insists, this manor and all the lands of the Posh Elves actually belong to the Ancients, and if this child is the last of the Ancients then she would be the rightful owner of all of Lady Norrington's wealth and estates.  This does not go over well with Freddy, Lucy, or just about anyone else.

-Sir Anthony asks to use the communication room to contact the Ministry about this new development. The Brahmin decides that's a bad idea, and plans to kill him; but when they get to the comm room they find that the storm has cut out communications. The tower is completely cut off!

-"I say, why are you here?"
"I was going to um.. do something."
"that something wasn't going to be killing Sir Anthony, was it?"

-"Why couldn't we have crashed on a floating island full of drunks?"
"Oh, you mean Sky-Dublin?"

-"Pierre", the "french" chef, turns out to speak in a very thick German accent.

-Suddenly, the maid's bloodcurdling scream alerts everyone to the fact that Lady Norrington has been murdered! With a wrench, in the library.

-Mrs. Maplebury takes charge of the murder investigation; she starts off by interviewing everyone, one at a time. It is at this point that the Brahmin realizes the elderly elf-woman has the hots for him.

-"Hey, where's the Ancient girl?"
"I thought she was with you?"
"Goddamnit, we had ONE job..!!"

-As it turns out, Alice was in the drawing room with the ladies, but when the PCs go to find them, they discover the ladies unconscious, and Alice missing!  The Brahmin kicks Theodora the Seeress awake, to which she quickly states "ah! I knew you were going to do that!"

-The PCs figure out that Pierre, the fake chef and Sky-Nazi spy, had kidnapped Alice; they manage to catch him in the tower's hangar bay, capturing him and saving the girl.

-They tie up Pierre and ask Freddy to keep an eye on him, but Freddy freely admits that, being 'a bit of a thickie', he'd probably just end up having Pierre escape on him. So the Brahmin just decapitates Pierre.

-the Social Justice Warrior Wizard Weaver shows up again, with a strange black hole in the middle of his body!

-Jack, the crazy groundskeeper, insists that the Dark Ones are here.  He also reveals that he was a former adventurer much like the PCs, until he was left a ruin of a man, with broken hands barely useful for gardening.

-"Why do we have a pirate now?"
"Ar, I'm not a pirate, I be from the North"
"I think a lot of pirates must be from the north..."

-"I tell ye, it was the Dark Ones what took him! They changed him! They touched him in ways no man should know!"
"well, that part sounds about right."

-The Brahmin finally can't stand Madame Theodora claiming that totally obvious statements are accurate prophecies on her part, and runs her through with a vibro-sword. With her last words, she calls on her 'masters' to avenge her.

-Meanwhile, the Dwarf Wizard (who was off on his own) gets suddenly kidnapped by a group of small hideous creatures with little red hats, that look a bit like dwarves, but all wrong, and give off an aura that in every way feels like they Should Not Be.

-They introduce themselves to the Dwarf Wizard as the Dark Ones, the beings who destroyed his civilization, were responsible for the loss of the Ancients, drove G.O.D. mad, and generally fucked up the whole planet.  Though he, being a dwarf, knows them by their dwarvish term: "Gnome".

(learn the dark terrible truth about gnomes here (

-Their leader introduces himself as "Ooglesnuffler Poundmangler, Dark Lord of the Black Emptiness".
(this name generated courtesy of the random Gnome leader name chart, in Gnomemurdered)

-(Cue one of my players totally losing his shit with amazement at realizing that the Dark Ones, which he'd been assuming would turn out to be Cthulhu-esque entities all this time, actually turn out to be Gnomes)

-"All of your friends' goals will come to naught"
"To be fair, my friends are really just making it up as they go along"

-The Dwarf Wizard finds out that the only reason he's still alive is because there is something deeply wrong with him, and this intrigues the Gnomes.

-"He is like us, and yet not like us.. we shall have to discover the source of this... bring out The Probe!"

-"you all hear a third bloodcurdling scream in the distance..."

-"When, when will we finally reach the limits of what can be discovered by Probing in this campaign??!"

-The probing reveals that Dwarf Wizard had an ancestor that at some point had been mutated by the Dark Ones/Gnomes, and the mutation had lain dormant through his lineage until it was activated by the massive radiation in the reactor of the Ancient's living complex.  The Dwarf Wizard is not happy to hear that now he's as highly explosive as any other gnome, and will blow up if he falls or runs into a hard surface at sufficiently high speed.
(this and other Gnome Lore available in Gnomemurdered)

-As expected, Gnomes show up, and start to Murder everyone.

-The SJW Wizard Weaver realizes his torso is a Gate to the Gnomish void-realm. It snaps his mind.

-The majority of the Posh Elves are as useless as most other elves in this setting, and die very quickly.  A couple of the less useless ones, plus the cowboy and the Brahmin fight very bravely, but in the end they're all slain. The Brahmin finally found something he couldn't manage to kill.

-The Dwarf Wizard wakes up; for reasons he doesn't understand (but that are no doubt not in any way good) the Gnomes spared him.  For reasons he doesn't understand, they also replaced his hands with lobster claws.
(this and other Gnome mutations available in Gnomemurdered! (

-The Dwarf Wizard comes down to the scene of the slaughter and finds Alice missing, the SJW wizard insane, and the Brahmin dead.  He starts to brutally kick the Brahmin's corpse, having apparently hated the vicious bully the whole time. Unfortunately, he hurts his foot. Even in death the Brahmin can cause damage.

-There were a few survivors among the Posh Elves: the vicar, the doctor, Sir Anthony, Freddy (who is now Lord Norrington), Betty the human maid, and Mrs. Maplebury.  Mrs. Maplebury immediately claims that it was Jack who had killed Lady Norrington, now that there's no way to confirm or deny it. She also claims that the SJW Weaver Wizard is a Sky-Nazi spy.

-But the SJW Weaver Wizard is no longer interested in social justice. Instead, driven insane by the truth of being a living portable hole into the Gnomish netherworld, he now only calls himself "The Weaver", and decides he's going to kill just about everyone he can.

-The Weaver corners the Vicar and tries to kill him with his chill touch, but the Vicar's Agnostic Hymns ( may or may not be responsible for his spells not being cast successfully.  Unfortunately for the Vicar, they don't work so well at protecting him from the Vibro-sword the Weaver took from the Brahmin's corpse.

-When asked why he killed the vicar, he claims the Vicar had molested him.

-As everyone hunkers down to get some sleep, the Weaver sneaks into Lord Freddy Norrington's master bedroom and murders him too, trying to use the ropework spell to make it look like Freddy had accidentally killed himself in an act of auto-erotic asphyxiation.

-Sir Anthony, seeing where things are going, sneaks away in the early morning as soon as the storm breaks.  He will turn out to be the only NPC survivor of Lady Norrington's Dinner Party.

-when day breaks, the survivors at Norrington Manor are surprised by the arrival of a trio of adventurers (though really they shouldn't be, since that always happen right after a PC dies).  Actually, it's two adventurers and a replacement butler.

-The Dwarf Wizard checks out the hangar bay of the tower, finding several hovercars and a pegasus (the latter probably belonging to the dead cowboy).

-While checking out his new Pegasus, the Dwarf Wizard sees something approaching in the distance. Something that looks like... zeppelins. It's the Sky-Nazis!!


-the Dwarf Wizard, very sensibly, wants to high-tail it out of there. But the Weaver, being completely insane at this point, and having just finished murdering Betty and Mrs. Maplebury, totally wants to stay and meet the Sky-Nazis. Again, because he's insane.

-"how do we even know they're Sky-Nazis?"
"Well, the Zeppelins have swastikas on them"
"Are they sky-swastikas?"
"No, that would just be silly!"

-The Sky-Nazis blow up the front entrance, and demand to know where Pierre is, and more importantly where the Ancient girl is. The Dwarf Wizard wisely hid himself, but when the Sky-Nazis find out that apparently Pierre is dead and the Gnomes kidnapped the Ancient girl, and especially when the Weaver just casually mentions that the Gnomes came and left (with Alice) through a gate that appears in his torso, they decide to take the Weaver to be interrogated (presumably via torture) by the "Sky-obergrupenfuhrer".

-"those Sky-Nazis are really rude!"
"dude, they're SKY-NAZIS, what the fuck did you expect?!"

-The Dwarf-Wizard now plans to get the fuck out while the getting is good, but the sound of hovercar-sirens makes it clear that the getting has just stopped being good.

-The Dwarf-wizard is presented with Chief Inspector Elephant, of "the Yard", who is here to arrest him on suspicion of having something to do with the murder of the entire main branch of the Norrington peerage.

-"Oh man.. is Ack'basha's player going to be pissed when he gets back and hears about all this..."

So, the session ends on a sort of triple-cliffhanger worthy of a season-ender: one of the PCs has been nicked by the Yard, another is a prisoner of the Sky-Nazis, the last surviving Ancient is now a prisoner of the Dark Ones (who turned out to be Gnomes) and we still don't know what the fuck the "Council of the Presbyterian Church" is.

Also, it was pointed out to me that the Sky-Nazis were only the second-worst villains in this adventure. Third-worst if you count the PCs themselves.

Stay tuned for more DCC fun in a couple of weeks, and happy new year!


Currently Smoking: Lorenzetti Solitario Egg + Brebbia no.8

(December 24, 2015)
Title: DCC Campaign Log
Post by: RPGPundit on January 08, 2017, 05:24:25 AM
DCC Campaign Archive: The Presbyterian Council! Into the Gnomish Netherworld! PLUS The Return of Bill The Elf!

The last adventure had found the party severely separated. Ack'Basha the Cleric had been summoned by something called the Supreme Council of the Presbyterian Church, the Dwarf Wizard had been arrested by the Yard on suspicion of murdering everyone at Norrington Manor, and the Weaver had been taken prisoner by the Sky-Nazis.  At the same time, Alice (the last surviving child of the Ancients) had been captured by the Dark Ones (revealed last adventure to be dreaded Gnomes!) and taken to their Gnomish Netherverse.  The Gnomish Netherverse was the plane of the Last Sun where the Gnomes had first breached this reality from the Void Beyond, and it was utterly consumed by them and made into a twisted twilight realm of their nightmares.


-Ackbasha meets the Presbyterian Council, who turn out to be a denomination of Clerics that believe in pre-destination. He quickly figures out that this means they're mostly useless as human beings.


-The Presbyterian Council governs a large city of humans called The City of Reasonably Efficient Plumbing.

-They kidnapped Ack'basha because they think he is pre-destined to go stop a Tarrasque from awakening from its magical slumber.  Apparently Grenoble the cleric had imprisoned it on an isolated island in the Mid-Inner Ocean some 150 years ago, but now the activities of the Party Pandas threatens to wake it.


-The Dwarf Wizard and the Weaver, meanwhile, are each being interrogated by their respective captors. Although the severity of the interrogations are quite the contrast with each other.
In the Yard: "We can get pretty tough with you, you know: for example, no tea for you!"
In the sky-prison of the sky-nazis: "strip the skin off his genital slowly!"

-Ack'basha requests that the council bring his friends over to help him. The Council summons the Science-Presbyterian, who informs them that said friends are no longer in Norrington Manor but he will search for them. Meanwhile the Service-Presbyterian (who is passively contented to be 'predestined' to a life of menial servitude) leads Ack'basha to some quarters where he can rest.


-Ack'basha gets an idea and asks the Science-Presbyterian to find a teleport BOLT-0 to him, expecting (correctly) that BOLT-0 would still be where they'd last known him to be going, in the dragon cave in Yeti Country.


-The Weaver and the Sky-Obergrupenfuhrer who is interrogating him develop a rapport over their mutual interest in crafts and crochet. The Sky-Obergrupenfurher is quite pleasantly amazed to hear that the Weaver is actually a pre-Disaster human who had been preserved all this time in suspended animation.


-The Sky-Obergrupenfurher decides to contact the Sky-Marshal with the news, and leaves the Weaver in his most comfortable torture cell, to be lightly whipped by a leather-clad blonde named Inga while he is given some Sky-Nazi reading material:  "Volk Und Blud Magazine", "Sky-Reich Weekly" and the Sky-Fuhrer's seminal work "Mein Struggle With Childhood Obesity".

-at the Yard: "So you're expecting me to believe that out of nowhere, Gnomes just showed up and Murdered everyone?"


-"I didn't summon the gnomes!"
"Then why do you have lobster claws for hands, eh??"

-"Could we somehow bring Alice back to life from the realm of the dead, if the Gnomes have killed her?"

-The Weaver has informed the Sky-Nazis that there was an Ancient child at Norrington Manor, but she was kidnapped by Gnomes.  As the value of a true Ancient would be immesurable to the Sky-Nazis, the Sky-Obergrupenfurher decides that they must return to the manor, and calls on the SS-Runenwizards.

-He has other plans for the Weaver, however: "As a pure-bred human, you are to be taken to Sky-Base-1 of the Sky-Reich, where you will be made to breed with physically perfect Aryan women for the rest of your long life!"
"you know, I'm cool with that!"

-Suddenly, the Weaver is teleported away from his promised future of Sky-Nazi breeding, as he has been found by the Presbyterian Council!
-"But I was supposed to breed!"
"Clearly, you were not predestined to do so!"

-"Fuck me, I've been cock-blocked by the Presbyterians!"
"If you were cock blocked, it was by G.O.D., long ago!"


-"with great power comes great responsibility..."
"But I can only cast Ropework!"

-The Presbyterian Council will determine whether they are pre-determined to be determined to assist the PCs.


-Meanwhile, the PCs are teleported to the island of the Tarrasque, where they encounter the Party Pandas who appear to be busy with a neverending dance party to the tune of a song called "what is love".


-while the other PCs try to carefully observe and negotiate with the Party Pandas, endeavoring to explain to them that not only their lives, but countless others, will be doomed if they awaken the Tarrasque, the Weaver just decides to cut out the diplomacy by running through DJ Panda with his laser sword.

-The Party Pandas immediately turn feral and start to attack the party, but they're scared off by Ack'basha's invocation of Divine Aid.  Bolt-O smashes all their sound equipment, and the PCs destroy everything in the Panda village, except the barrel of Ecstasy pills, which they keep for themselves.

(continued in next post)
Title: DCC Campaign Log
Post by: RPGPundit on January 08, 2017, 05:24:55 AM
-Back at the City of Reasonably Efficient Plumbing, the PCs learn that the Presbyterian Clerics don't really have an armory, but they do have a collection of comfortable orthopedic shoes.


(extra credit: Mr. Rogers was a Presbyterian Minister He believed most of the children he talked to on his show were predestined by God at the dawn of time to be doomed to eternal hellfire)

"Do you want me to talk about the other things I saw in there?"

-Meanwhile, Sezrekhan brings Bill the Elf back to life, in a new body, with the mission to infiltrate the group and recover the Ancient girl, if she's still alive!

-the Presbyterians conduct a ritual to open the portal to the Gnomish Netherworld in the Weaver's torso, prompting BOLT-0 to tell Weaver "REMAIN STILL WHILE BOLT-0 GOES INSIDE YOU"!

-They arrive at the Gnomish Netherworld, a photonegative world of barren landscapes, giant hills of piled-up underwear, and fairy-tale giant trees with cute little treehouses on the branches.

-The disguised Bill The Elf arrives at the Supreme Council and gets to go through the portal just by telling the Presbyterians "I'm predestined to go through this portal".


-Once through, Bill presents himself to the PCs as "Blade", a demon-hunter.

-Before the PCs can really question his story, they are immediately attacked by a band of sand-surfing killer gnomes, led by a commander named Fizzletwist Staffpounder.


-Bolt-0 summons a massive Water Elemental.

-"Oh great, another great huge loud thing... there goes the element of surprise."

-Bolt-0 and the Elemental go off to make a big distraction, while the PCs sneak into the giant Gnomish tree. Bill/Blade makes use of his gnomish-impersonating amulet. Beneath the tree there's a huge high-tech complex.

-They find their way to a room that has a button indicating there's a "super happy funslide".
"Nothing is going to be super-happy in here."
"It might be, for the Gnomes!"


-sliding down it, they end up in the complex's trash pile and get attacked by an undead Gnu.


(I google image-searched for "undead gnu" with ZERO expectation of finding something, and yet...)

-defeating the Gnu-skeleton, they get out of the trash pit, up an escalator, and find their way into a place filled with little red hats. Among these, there are some hidden Gnomish assassins, that go after them with flame-throwers!

-Forced to cast spells to save the group, "Blade"/Bill-the-elf tries to convince the group that he's a special 'demon hunter' class taken from some obscure sourcebook or something.

-The group makes their way into another corridor, where they're attacked by an Elemental Snowman!
"So wait, the gnomes attack us with flamethrowers first, and then their second line of defence is a snowman? Did they not think this through??"

-They find the Ancient girl, trapped inside a dark magical triangle, in a room filled to the brim with gnomes!  But they use some divine aid to teleport Alice out of the room and into the hallway, drop a huge choking cloud in the room and then run like hell.

-They hear a war horn sounding behind them and soon they have gnomes surrounding them at each turn, requiring a brutal running fight.


-They run into special forces gnomes, specifically, the Hyperdiabetes-inducing Cuddly Death Gnomes!
"I'm going to run past them!"
"Ok, but you realize that would generate Hugs of Opportunity?"

-They manage to get into the next room, but then Blade/Bill's "ward portal" spell works a little too well, and ends up getting them locked in.

-They manage to use a laser sword to burn their way through, and after facing some gnomish snipers, they get out of the complex and manage to get away (after a frightening encounter with some blinking gnome statues).  They get back to the portal only to almost get themselves garotted to death by gnomish assassins with little red scarves. Even so, they finally make it out.

-"No, you can't cast Ward Portal on the Weaver's torso".

-The Weaver wants to be sent back to the Sky-Nazis and their appealing-sounding breeding program.  Since his body has a portal that could spew deadly gnomes from it at any time, the Presbyterians are only too happy to oblige.

-As soon as he is happily reunited with the Sky-Nazis, the Weaver lets slip that Alice the Ancient girl is alive and staying at the Presbyterian Council.


That's all for today, stay tuned for more DCC goodness in a couple of weeks!


Currently Smoking: Lorenzetti Horn + Gawith's Navy Flake

(January 8, 2017)
Title: DCC Campaign Log
Post by: RPGPundit on January 26, 2017, 01:09:46 AM
DCC Campaign Update: Pepito the Talking Rat

In this week's action-packed adventure, the party found themselves resting up a bit in the City of Reasonably Efficient Plumbing, as guests of the Supreme Council of the Presbyterian Church.  They'd just gone through enormous effort to save Alice, a young girl who's possibly the last surviving Ancient, from being murdered by Gnomes. Of course, unbeknownst to them, the latest addition to their numbers is none other than the nefarious Bill the Elf, in yet another new body! He is on a mission from Sezrekhan to kidnap Alice.


-3 guys appeared. Never doubt the GM's ability to explain how 3 guys appear where they have no sensible reason to.

-A couple of PCs run into Pepito the talking rat, who tells them that he knows the location of a dungeon that guards the last surviving Wish Parasite.


-They learn that a Wish Parasite is a kind of particularly ugly worm that, if eaten, will grant you a single Wish.  They also hear that a Wish is like a 9th level spell, which in a world that has no spells higher than 5th level is very impressive.

-Pepito won't talk when presented to the Presbyterian Council, leading the Presbyterians to wonder if the Dwarf Wizard (who brought him) was really not so much destined to be teleported to a dungeon as he was destined to be committed to a mental health facility.


-"The Ancient Girl can imagine she's deciding for herself about where she wants to go, she has just as much of an illusion of free will as the rest of us do."

-"Blade", aka Bill the Elf, tries to take Alice to see Sezrekhan; first by some ridiculous efforts at sign language and then by pretending to cry. He doesn't speak Ancient and she doesn't speak Common, or he'd have understood when she told him that actually she wants to go see Sezrekhan, and that he should man the fuck up.

-Finally, he calls in a Service Presbyterian who can speak Ancient, and tries to cast Charm on her.
"You rolled a 20. You definitely Charm the Service Presbyterian; do you want to Charm Alice too?"
"No, I mean she already wants to go with me, so I don't need to mentally control her to force her to come.. aw, fuck it, sure!"

-When Bill tries to Invoke Sezrekhan, he fails his saving throw and goes into an insane bloodlust. When he comes out of it, he's sliced the Service Presbyterian in half, and murdered Alice.
"You ran Alice right through with your vampiric blade, she's dead."
"Are you sure? I check her pulse!"


-Bill's plan to avoid getting the blame for this involves writing "Bill Did This" in blood on the wall, and then throwing himself out a window.

-Sezrekhan is, to say the least, not pleased. He threatens to rain meteors on the entire city and to destroy Bill's phylactery; but he's willing to give Bill 24 hours to accomplish the seemingly impossible and somehow save Alice.  After all, 6th level henchmen are hard to come by, even if they've fucked up every major mission.

-"Don't you see that if we work together we can achieve more?"
"You've achieved NOTHING!"

-The Prebyterians find the corpses, and quickly inform the rest of the PCs: "You must come quickly! A terrible tragedy was always meant to happen right now!"

-"So you saw Bill the Elf kill Alice... how did you know he was Bill?"
"Um... before he threw me out the window he said 'I'm Bill'!"

-"OK, let's stop vainly looking for inconsistencies in Blade's story and go do this Wish Parasite thing!"

-"Bill's had some good plans, but they never seem to come through.  Come to think of it, Bill's mishaps have become the main driving force of the campaign."
"It's not just Bill, it's all of us. We're on a neverending quest to fix our last fuckups!"

-"Well, you do have a purpose: you guys usually stop a Really Horrible thing from happening, by making merely Horrible things happen instead".

-The PCs get teleported to the dire mountains, on the northern continent which separates the Sea of Grass and the Mad Kingdoms.  Guided by Pepito the Rat, they find their way to a mountain; after some effort they discover that part of the cliff-side is actually an illusory wall.

-Pepito suggests that although the wall feels very solid, the PCs might be able to get through it by running right at it at high-speeds, "Harry Potter-style".

-Ack'Basha tries to murder Pepito the Talking Rat!
"You crazy man! You been staring too long into the abyss, man!"

-When the other players object, he casts Word of Command to prove his suspicions, and true enough, when ordered to "CONFESS!" Pepito admits that he's actually a wizard who got permanently polymorphed into a rat, and was going to steal the Wish Parasite after the PCs did all the hard work, to wish to become a Daemon.

-Ack'Basha strangles Pepito to death. This time no one objects.

-The PCs get past the illusory wall (all except BOLT-O who apparently can't because he's a robot), and there find themselves attacked by a pair of onyx living-statues dressed as samurais!

-Meanwhile, BOLT-O and the one PC who stayed outside, a 0-level barbarian fire-maker, end up encountering another adventuring party! They call themselves the Super Adventure Buddies, and consist of three Hipster Elves named Peter, Geoffrey and and Archie, and a Sloth disguised as an elf (who goes by the name of Arturo "Hot Rod" Rodriguez).

-Figuring the party needs more cannon fodder, they team up with the Super Adventure Buddies; but in the fight with the living statues the elves prove to be as useless as everyone assumed they would be. All three elves trip and fall in the dirt when they try to hit anything. "Hot Rod" is pretty handy with a 9mm automatic, though.


-The party moves on to find a bunch of Troglodyte guards, and a brutal battle ensues.  In it, the party starts dropping like flies.

-Dwarf Wizard: "Every wizard is an asshole but me"
Butler: "So, every wizard is an asshole, then?"

-Moments after his contentious claim, the Dwarf wizard gets wasted.  Ack'basha, protected as usual by his Holy Sanctuary spell, loots the wizard's corpse in mid battle.

-Some of the party managed to flee outside, where Bolt-0 was waiting.
Ropework: "I know that feeling."

-With almost all his allies dead or fled, Ack'basha is left with no choice but to actually fight now, so he uses divine aid to create a ring of fire that immolates most of the Troglodytes.
"You realize this is just Sequester in reverse, right? Ack'basha has literally become the anti-Bill".

-Geoffrey, the last surviving actual elf of the Super Adventure Buddies, manages to actually kill one Trog before getting impaled by another Trog. Then Kragnar impales the Trog, in a "grotesque daisy chain of death".

-Bill/Blade meanwhile had hidden himself and went into the Trog house, only to find another 30 or so trogs, most of them women and children.  Being familiar with humanoid behaviors at this point, the party take no chances and burn down the house with all in it.

-"See? What can't be solved by religious genocide?"

-In the battle, the fake-elf/sloth "Hot Rod" has slipped away. This before Ack'basha could paranoically murder him. He's a clever sloth.

-The surviving PCs continue, eventually reaching a cavern where they encounter an old companion who had been lost for a while, the Blog-Swine named Chu. It appeared the Troglogdytes had strung him up to be offered as some kind of blood sacrifice, but to what was not clear.

-They use Second Sight to play 'hot & cold' as to what's the closest direction to their goal, but it leads them into a room that appears to be empty. That is, until they figure out there's yet another illusory wall.

-Krognar the Fire-Maker decides to run right through the wall, and he does, and right into the eruptive fire-trap behind the illusion. Ironically, the Fire-Maker is burned to death.

-They find themselves in what appears to be another dead end, until they realize there's another false wall, which instead of being an illusion is actually a trap, as it collapses on top of Ropework.

-The wall reveals a large central chamber, featuring a pool of shit surrounded by a magic circle of runes (not 'weird shit' or something like that, I mean literal feces).

-Chu throws a coin in the pool of shit, and nothing happens. Then he throws a coin onto the runes, disrupting the circle, and the pool of shit turns into Orgluz the Shit Demon!  Fortunately for the party, it seems that Orgluz is now bound to serve Chu. Chu is of course quite pleased to have a massive pile of shit at his side.


-The liberation of the poop demon also opened yet another secret door, which Orgluz claims will lead them to the Wish Parasite, and their chance to save Alice. So, on the party will go.

But not today, as we had to end there for the day.

Stay tuned for more adventures shortly!


Currently Smoking: Dunhill Amber Root + C&D's Crowley's Best

(january 23, 2016)
Title: DCC Campaign Log
Post by: RPGPundit on February 20, 2017, 06:29:19 PM
DCC Campaign Archive: "There Will Be No Consequences Whatsoever!"

We had left of in the last session with our stalwart PCs deep inside the Dungeon of the Wish Parasite; seeking that mythical entity which (when swallowed) will allegedly grant you a single Wish.  The justification the group had for being there was the effort to use the wish to bring Alice, the young Ancient girl, back to life (after she had been brutally accidentally murdered by Bill the Elf). Of course, in fact almost everyone involved had a second wish in mind should they be the ones to get the parasite.

From there, now this happened:

-three new characters were created, that would show up shortly.  One was a Dwarven Ratcatcher, one was a Dwarven Freemason (which prompted "do they run the world?" and the response "its pretty obvious from the state of things that absolutely no one is running this world") and a "mutant" (actually, just a human who feels like a mutant in a human's body) who makes his living as a Fanfic writer.

-The player who ran "Ropework" the Wizard had to quit the group, at least for a while, due to real-life commitments.
"I'm going to miss Ropework.. he was so damn normal!"

-The PCs (more specifically, Chu) had liberated Orgluz the Poop Demon. "wouldn't be the first time someone named Chu released a load of stinking shit". Orgluz is apparently bound to serve Chu, and guides them toward where the Wish Parasite was located.


(do poop demons poop? Is that how they reproduce??)

-The first room they reach features a dead giant spider, with several 9mm slugs in it. They realize at this point that Arturo "Hot Rod" Rodriguez, the sloth disguised as an elf, is still very much alive and ahead of them on the trail of the parasite!

(sloth gangtas are a serious problem in the world of the Last Sun)

-Being aware of the possibility of confusion, Chu orders Orgluz to kill all elves AND sloths.

-There are some giant cave lizards. Chu retreats from the fight almost immediately, letting Orgluz do the fighting (Ack'basha doing his usual trick of casting sanctuary on himself and not giving a flying fuck about anyone else). Unfortunately, Orgluz's attack causes the lizards to flee, right toward Chu!

-Ack'basha casts darkness in the area of the lizards.  The Dwarves, meanwhile, decide they want to keep fighting: "Like Magic Missiles, we will charge at the darkness!"

-cue some debate on whether in DCC, infravision allows Dwarves to see in a Darkness spell-zone.

-The Dwarves speak in high-pitched squeaky voices, by the way, even though no other Dwarf in the entire campaign ever has thus far.

-"Those Dwarves sound like Halflings with Throat Cancer, or something!"

-The three newcomers are accepted into the party. But Ack'basha issues the stern warning that he'll cut the balls off of anyone who gets between him and that Wish Parasite.  Since pretty much everyone wants that parasite, it was probably a necessary alert.

-The party tries to follow it's longstanding tradition of bulking up the equipment of the newcomers, only this time they're very short on supplies.
"What can we give the newbs?"
"I have a dagger.."
"I have nothing."
"I have feces!"

-The group proceeds into what Orgluz warns is called the Chamber of Fire.
"It's basically a chamber, that sets you on fire."

-Luckily, Ack'basha knows "resist cold and heat".  He protects everyone except Orgluz, who is immune to normal fire, but comes out of the chamber smelling like hot shit.

-The Human/Mutant-Otherkin knows Ack'basha, not just because the cleric is already fairly famous, but because he's personally written a slash fanfic of Ack'basha and Bill the Elf.

(actual fanfiction quote)

-The party then enters the Pagoda of Air and Water, where they have to face a flying animated metal warrior.

-They are told that the Pagoda is actually a trap, containing a False Wish Parasite that's poisonous. There, they find the corpse of "Hot Rod" Rodriguez, who clearly was not privy to that information.

-As they're crossing a rickety wooden bridge out of the pagoda and toward the location of the TRUE Wish Parasite, Orgluz the Poop Demon betrays the party! It turns out he was just faking being bound to Chu.

-The Dwarves try to stop him by throwing their melee weapons at him, even though the span of the underground river that separates them guarantees that all their weapons will end up in the water.

-With nothing he can do, the Fanfic Writer starts to write fanfic about the situation, writing himself in as a Mary Sue.

(Shut up, Wesley)

-"These Dwarves are like Village idiots or something!"
"We were exiled!"

-to try to catch up to Orgluz, Ack'basha uses divine aid to part the waters, all Moses-like.

-They reach the grotto of the Wish Parasite, finding it to be a small worm-like creature in a jar, shouting as loudly as its little voice allows: "Eat me! Please eat me! I'll grant your fondest wish! There will be no consequences whatsoever!!"

(a little too friendly...)

-Orgluz, injured but still kicking (or stinking) has the jar, but Ack'basha pulls it out of his hand with Jedi-like powers.

-Chu considers a betrayal. "You should totally betray him, he's not expecting it"
"oh, Ack'basha is totally expecting it!"
"Right now Ack'basha is totally expecting to be betrayed by absolutely everyone.."

-Orgluz screams something about 'his precious' and charges the PCs!

-"can I turn the water on him into holy water again?"
"no, he hasn't got any water left on him, only shit; and ironically there's no such thing in this setting as Holy Shit"

-Fortunately for the group, Orgluz was already quite damaged, and the party destroys him. One of the Dwarves tackles him down and pummels him to death with a rock. His dying words are "all I wanted was to be beautiful!!"

-The Wish Parasite is increasingly distressed by its lack of being digested "will SOMEBODY please eat me??!"

-Ack'basha swallows the Parasite, and wishes for G.O.D to be restored.
"But what about bringing Alice back to life?"
"I don't really give a fuck about Alice."

-Shortly after his wish, Ack'basha feels great intestinal distress, followed by his apparently pooping out a rainbow. The rainbow, in the same voice as the parasite, cries out "I'm freeeee!"

-Ack'basha also permanently loses 3 points of Luck. "I lied.. there were consequences!!"

-Ackbasha's tablet suddenly changes screen from the constant "Emergency!" sign to a blue screen saying "Rebooting... installing updates... 5 minutes remaining... 12 hours remaining... 17 minutes remaining..."

-the tablet finally reboots into a screen that says "Initiating Apocalypse Mode"
"well... that can't be good!"

-The group decides to make their way out of the dungeon to see if the world has changed any, and to try to find out just what "apocalypse mode" is. Along the way, they run into a pair of living statues.  One of the dwarves tries to run for it, and is quickly cut down. The other dwarf dies shortly thereafter, thus ending the menace of having to face several more sessions of ridiculous dwarf voices.

-the fight is happening on a flight of stairs. Chu fumbles his attack, trips, rolls down the stairs into the statue, knocking it down and shattering it.
"Best fumble ever!"

-"my fanfiction writer is a pacifist"
"well, that could change"
"no, I'm not going to make him into another Vishal!"
"You know there's a large range between 'total pacifist' and 'psychotic mass-murderer', right?"

-"the Dwarves are dead! What do we do?"
"Loot them!"

-"This is Bolt-0, he's a robot necromancer"

-Bolt-0 isn't sure, but he strongly suspects the "Apocalypse Mode" is going to kill every living thing that doesn't match up to G.0.D.'s criteria of purity, including every last mutant, most monsters, pretty well everything except for probably humans, dwarves, elves and MAYBE halflings.

-"So you've destroyed the world, Ack'Basha... you know, I'm pretty sure Bill is not the asshole anymore!"

-"How could we revive Alice to stop the Apocalypse Protocol?"
"Well, you could use a wish parasite.. oh yeah, I ate the last one!"

-"You're responsible for genocide!"
"Yes, but it's genocide for the greater good"

-The communication scroll to contact the Presbyterian Council is not working; either something has gone wrong with the magic, or the entire Presbyterian Council is dead.  Naturally, the PCs assume the latter.

-"So we're stuck here in the sharp mountains. Do we even have food?!"

-"You have too destroyed the world, Ack'basha! That's what the word 'apocalypse' means!"
"It actually just means 'revelation'".
"That useless factoid brought to us by Chu".

To get out of the mountains, the PCs decide to use magic to contact the Azure Order; who do indeed teleport the PCs out... and right into a magical binding circle.  Their first question to Ack'basha is "What did you do?!!", suggesting they've already heard about the Apocalypse Protocol.

That's all for this time.  Next time, the Apocalypse Protocol!


Currently Smoking: Neerup Poker + Gawith's Winter Flake

(February 20, 2016)
Title: DCC Campaign Update: Mormon Wolves
Post by: RPGPundit on March 09, 2017, 02:33:15 AM
The PCs had just rebooted G.O.D. using a Wish Parasite, and had been teleported to the tower of the Azure Order of wizards.  This also marks the 3-year anniversary of our campaign, give or take a week or two.

So, with G.O.D. having activated something called the "Apocalypse Protocol", everyone has a strong suspicion that the shit is about to hit the fan.

This time, here's how it went down:

-the campaign got a brand new player, who made his first three level-0 PCs.
"So your first DCC character ever is a morbidly obese Emu mafioso involved in the slave trade, who likes to sing while he kills people".
"Let me sing you the song of my people!"

(some Emus just want to see the world burn)

-His other two PCs are a mad-max style road warrior, and a human orphan who was raised by wolves, and possesses a mysterious letter that was found on him as a baby.

-"The Azure Order has already decided, by consensus show of Jazz Hands, to hold a conference to decide whether to go to the other conference, on Mt. Parnassus, where the great and the good will talk about what to do about the Apocalypse Protocol".

-Bill the Elf (in the body of Blade the bounty hunter) had vanished from the dungeon of the wish parasite; now we find out he'd been kidnaped by Nikos the crazy asshole wizard.
"I saw you were in dungeon, and I teleport you here to warn you! I find out there was prophecy that the Wish Parasite would be use to bring about destruction of the world!! And this is most important part: it will happen because one person in group questing for it will be teleport away at crucial moment!"

-After Bill explains how Nikos brought about the very disaster he claims he was trying to avert: "Maybe there still time!! Hmm... now I really wish I not kept you in stasis to probe you for presence of the wish parasite for last 23 hours... yeah, we probably too late!"

-Nikos and Sezrekhan were apparently friends long ago, according to Nikos, until Sezrekhan had a fight with him over Nikos' sister.  But you can't really believe anything this raving lunatic says.

-Wanting some proof, Bill asks Nikos to reveal something about Sezrekhan no one else knows. Nikos tells him that Sezrekhan once confessed he was jealous of clerics.

-Having already failed his master Sezrekhan yet again, and gone AWOL, Bill decides it's a great idea to contact Sezrekhan and immediately tell him that he knows this humiliating secret.

-Sezrekhan is at a meeting of most of the major Daemons where they're trying to put together a plan to stop G.0.D.

-Bill suggests Time Travel, because that's always worked. He points out the King of Elfland can time travel, because that's always worked too. Just ask the pre-emptively extinct Cyber-dragons.

-"You're a human orphan who was raised by wolves in a religious commune.  You're usually the one they get to trade with local mutant tribes, who don't like the wolves much."
"Because my family are wolves?"
"No, because they're polygamists."
"Wait.. are they Mormon wolves?"

-On the way back home the Orphan is taken by surprise by Jal'uddin, Sezrekhan's assassin, who interrogates him about the Time Dinosaurs, something the orphan knows nothing about. He then buggers off, as suddenly and mysteriously as he arrived.


(the time dinosaurs don't actually look like this, but it was what came up on a google search)

-The human orphan's entire religious compound is destroyed by a beam from heaven, but he is teleported away to safety.
"do not fear! You have been rescued from G.O.D.'s disintegration wall.  Food and blankets will be distributed shortly."

-Stuck in the Azure Wizard's magic circle with Chu and Ack'Basha, the fanfic-writer spends his time writing bad fanfic.

-The Azure Wizards are debating their options: they could try to destroy G.O.D., try to shut him back down into Emergency Mode, or somehow try to reason with him.  The problem is none of these seem really possible, since G.O.D. is found in the Crown of Creation, the highest dimension, which can't be reached by anyone (not even the Daemons), except G.O.D. himself and command-crew level Ancients (who are all dead, as far as anyone knows, since Bill the Elf accidentally killed Alice, the last Ancient girl).

-"Maybe we could create some kind of 'Safe Space' where we would be protected from all of this?"

-"I propose we sacrifice Ack'basha to bring an Ancient back to life!"
"Do you know how to do that?"
"No, I figured we could just kill Ack'basha and see what happens"

-"We Azure Wizards operate on a Consensus-based decision making process, not a democracy!"
"What's the difference?"
"In a democracy, the majority gets to force what it wants on everyone else.  In a consensus, we keep talking and talking until everyone agrees with whatever the most annoying person who won't stop until they get their way wants."

-"I hereby release the three of you from the magic circle."
"Great! Where's the bathroom??"
"Just over there."
"Is it gender neutral?"
"Of course!"

-Ack'basha is granted his freedom from the circle when he agrees to go with the Azure wizards to Mt. Parnassus, to defend his choices before the great congress of the great and the good. They don't trust him to keep his word, but he surprisingly agrees to be examined by ESP.
"Wow... I'm reading your mind and.. you're just a total piece of shit, aren't you?"
"Why? Those people were all going to die anyways."

-"From time immemorial, the great and the good of this world have gathered on Mt.Parnassus in times of great crisis, to talk about what to do until the crisis passes."

-"There's no clear evidence that G.O.D. is going to kill everyone, or repair everyone; but the evidence of the huge disintegration beam slowly making its way across the world sort of points to 'kill'."

-Bill the Elf, meanwhile, was given one single job by Sezrekhan: keep an eye on Nikos and distract him from doing anything that could fuck things up!  Naturally, as soon as he's given these orders he gets Nikos to send him away.

-Bill ends up in the palace of Anthraz the Destroyer, the incredibly old retired super-warrior.  Anthraz explains that Nikos' story about having once been a teacher for his PC party was total bullshit; and that Nikos was responsible for killing half of his original team.  However, a bit of rooting around Anthraz's enormous treasure-pile uncovers a memory of an artifact, a relic arrow, that might be able to guide them to a living Ancient (if there's one left anywhere in the world) or someone or something else capable of getting them to the Crown of Creation.

-Unfortunately, Anthraz doesn't have the arrow itself. That's in the hands of his old wizard friend Timoteus, who was driven bugfuck nuts by Nikos and became the villainous wizard known as The Archemaster.

-The Archemaster used to have an ice palace far in the north, but was driven out of there by the Council of Really Old Wizards after they took over the Elf Rose Dome. Now he's created a new base in the middle of the Dust Sea.

-Anthraz was about reveal all this when Bill suddenly gets teleported away, by the Azure Wizards.  He's taken by them because Ack'basha (who suspects that "blade" is actually Bill the Elf) may be 'important' to them at the conference.

-At the conference the PCs meet a large number of their old friends or former acquaintances, including Sandy (the former bikini-chainmail barbarian, and now the new Warlord of the Dreadfort). There's also Doctor Theobald, the Apeman Scholar.


-They also see that Zargon, master of the Ribond, is present, representing the Daemons who have sent him as their spokesman.

-Notably absent are the Presbyterian Clerics, who were apparently destroyed by a Sky-Nazi attack.
"As they were no doubt predestined to be!"

-There's also some new people to meet, like the Techno-walruses, the Legion of Super Cool Teens, and the X-mutants.  The latter consist of "Cyclops" (who is an actual cyclops), "wolverine" (who is an actual wolverine), "Colossus" (who is an actual colossus), Kitty Pride (who is a mutant furry-otherkin who pretends she's a cat), and BOLT-0, for some reason.

-"Is there anything that BOLT-0 hasn't done at this point?!"

-"Bolt-0, you're an x-mutant??"

-"Our calculations indicate that the Disintegration Wall will reach its opposite side in four days and 22 hours."
"So it's Ack'basha's plan to stall for the next 5 days until G.O.D. kills everyone?"
"We're here with the Azure Order; they're natural stallers!"

-Anthraz shows up at the great conference, pissed off at all the young whippersnappers who are as useless as ever.

-Ack'basha tries to stall by suggesting that seeking out Bob Shoggoth would be a better idea then going on this madcap quest for a magic arrow.

-Anthraz accidentally outs "blade" as being Bill the Elf in front of the whole conference.  Now about two-thirds of those present want to kill Bill, to match the two-thirds or so who want to kill Ack'basha.

-"Yes, I'm Bill the Elf... and I also have a Shoggoth as a friend."

-Bill tries to convince the conference (and a few of the PCs) that they don't need to kill Ack'Basha.
"What?? But I thought you guys were mortal enemies!?"
"Not in my fanfiction they aren't..."

-"Ack'basha, I want my Primo Staff back."
"It's mine now, Bill, but if it's to contact Bob Shoggoth, I will let you touch my staff."
"...Ok, I guess that well of fanfiction inspiration hasn't quite run dry yet..."

-unwilling to wait any longer, the X-mutants (including BOLT-O) teleport away to the Dust Sea in search of the Achemaster's Arrow.

-After getting stoned out of his mind, Bill does contact Bob Shoggoth, who is going into hiding. He explains that G.0.D.'s apocalypse protocol will wipe out almost all life on the inner surface of the world of the Last Sun, with the plan being that he'll rebuild everything from the genetic seed banks of the Ancients. The problem being that those seed banks were destroyed or corrupted by the Dark Ones long ago.

(not surprisingly, the Rastafarian Great Old One isn't going to save the world)

-Zargon declares that he is leaving, and will inform the other Daemons that all the great and the good of the world of the Last Sun are as fucking useless as ever.

-The PCs finally agree to go looking for the Archemaster's arrow, once Dr.Theobald points out that the arrow will be useful for just about any subsequent plan anyone in the group might have, regardless of the fact that the PCs' goals after that will be in direct opposition of each other.

-Before leaving, Dr.Theobald gets a little collection going to help equip the newbie PCs (and some of the other PCs who are woefully under equipped).  As well as some standard armor and weapons (mostly looted from the bodies of the refugees that have been flooding into the valley at the bottom of Mt.Parnassus), and a couple of magic items, and a book on demonology (that may have been written by BOLT-0), they get a high-tech briefcase of holding (courtesy of the Techno-Walruses) and a hoverboard (thanks to the Legion of Super Cool Teens).
The Emu takes the hoverboard. "It's every Emu's dream to fly!"


-The refugees are starving and killing each other for racial and religious reasons.
"Have you not given them any help yet? What about the blankets and food you promised them??"
"We'll be giving them blankets and food as soon as the conference is over."
"My god, they're all going to starve!"

-The team heads off to the Dust Sea, a desert wasteland where nothing can live.  The Road Warrior feels right at home.

-The team is attacked by a couple of dozen sand-skeletons!  After a vicious battle, the skeletons are defeated, but the Emu has died.
"How tragic.. oh well, we'll be eating chicken tonight!"

-"The Dust Sea appears to be a massive graveyard... in fact, most of this dust in the air is probably from bones."
"Well that's not very hygenic!"

-Carrying on, they find the remains of the X-mutants, all of whom were slaughtered by a giant sandworm.  Except BOLT-0, who was not in the sandworm's diet.

-Carrying on a bit further, they end up running into said giant sandworm, and it's a biggie! The battle is on!
"I hit it with my flamethrower!"
"Great; now it's a giant murderous sandworm that's also on fire!"

-"Aren't you going to help?"
"I don't know what to do with a giant worm!"
"That's also my problem... get it?"

-The Giant Sandworm swallows Bill the Elf whole! But unfortunately, the rest of the party slaughters the worm before it can finish digesting him.

-The sandworm pays off with a bunch of gems and coins in its belly. Also, the road warrior takes a few dozen teeth for a necklace.

-The party decides to camp out there, by the corpse of the giant worm.

As it was getting late, that's also where we stopped for the day.  Stay tuned next time, to find out if the PCs manage to stop the Apocalypse Protocol, or fuck everything up beyond belief as usual.


Currently Smoking:  Lorenzetti Solitario + Rattray's Old Gowrie

(March 6, 2016)
Title: DCC Campaign Log
Post by: RPGPundit on March 21, 2017, 01:03:19 PM
DCC Campaign Update: Pandassasins!

So as of last adventure, the PCs found themselves in the Dust Sea, looking for the Archemaster's new lair, determined to get from him the Arrow of Seeking which has the possibility to lead them to a surviving Ancient.  They need to do this, because G.O.D. has woken up from his "emergency mode", and apparently plans to wipe out most life in the world in order to start again from scratch (to make things worse, according to reliable information, the tools needed to remake the world don't actually exist anymore, which means it would be the end for everything)!
G.O.D. has ensconced himself in the highest dimension, the Crown of Creation, which can't even be reached by anyone other than an ancient with the correct control codes.

So here's what happened:

-"Ack'basha might be trying to kill the world, but you're a weirdo!"
"We're not so different, you and I"

-The fanfic-porn-writer quickly gets himself in over his head by getting hired as Sandy the Bikini-Chainmail-barbarian Warlord's 'chronicler'.
"so... I'm guessing you're a 'top', right?"
"...I'm a top warlord!"

-Suddenly, horrific mutant creatures with a hideous appearance come forth out of the sands and attack the PCs!
"Are we seriously being attacked by six-armed Sand-assholes?"

-"I like how Ack'basha still keeps pretending like he's thinking about what he's going to do at the start of combat. Like he's ever going to choose something for the good of the party, and not just cast Holy Sanctuary on himself"

-"This is one fight where no matter who the winner is, it's going to be some sort of asshole".

-Ack'basha fails to cast Holy Sanctuary, and is actually taken down by a deadly grab-and-bite combo that the PCs immediately dub the "sphincter attack".

-"I, Sandy the Warlord, devastated the asshole! I want your chronicle to say that!"
"Oh, believe me, it will"

-"Ugh.. I'm covered in whatever fluids that sand-asshole had inside it."

-The PCs finally find their way to the Archemaster's new base.  A huge, rusted, semi-ruined Ancients' structure in the middle of the Dust Sea.  It is covered in magical runes that the fanfic-writer identifies as being wards preventing access to Daemons and annulling Daemonic magic.
"What a craphole!"


-As soon as they enter, they are confronted by a group of incorporeal undead that seem to be the phantasms of long-dead technicians.
"Look out, Nerd-Wraiths!"

-"This door is sealed, Doctor Theobald, do you know how to get it open?"
"Possibly, but I don't have any tools".
"I have some thief tools!"
" just gave me medieval thief tools to open a super high-tech Star-trek slidey-door."
"Can you do it or not?"

-In fact, the Ape-man academic was not able to open the star-trek door with medieval thief tools.  So Sandy starts working on bashing it to pieces with her axe.  She does this for about ten minutes before the PCs remember they have a super-strong Industrial Robot on their team.

-In the next area, they encounter some highly emaciated Snow-creatures.
"What kind of idiot would stock his desert-dungeon with snow-golems?!"
"Well, remember, the guy used to be based in the tundra..."


-They quickly dispatch the pathetic creatures, who were already on their last legs.
"Anyone actually hurt?"
"No, the only casualty here was the Archemaster's dignity"

-Next they get to an area that has an ancient (now insane) robotic brain, guarded by a few Robo-wasps, which have a decent amount of hit points but pathetic armor and weapons. They too are quickly dispatched.
"What the fuck is this, The Dungeon of Pathetic Creatures?!"

-The Insane Computer demands that all the PCs bow before it, and swear allegiance to eternal Evil!
"That's not even an alignment here!"



"I have a couple of fanfics that start that way..."

-Ack'basha tries to convince the computer
"The Evil that G.O.D. will accomplish is greater than any other considerations!"

-Sandy finally gets tired of the evil computer and smashes it to pieces.

-The PCs move on to a huge chamber that looks like the central power-plant.  As they arrive, they're confronted by more of the Archemaster's Ice Golems, coming in from the other entrance!
These are in slightly better shape than the ones at the start, but with the extreme heat of the room, they start to melt all on their own.

-Chu is a bit impatient.
"If the heat doesn't get them, my flamethrower will!"

-They move on into a room where a Dark Elf is sitting meditating.  It turns out he's a sinister Dark Elf warrior/wizard, who like most Dark Elves looks totally badass but has a stupid name and a squeaky little voice.
In this case, he is "Darth Tobias" and came to this complex to try to control some ancient artifacts, giant statues, in the other room.  The PCs try to recruit him but he's not interested in joining their quest to save the world, only to gain the awesome power of the God-statues.


-"So, he's trying to control superpowerful ancient artifacts that have dark power?  Yeah, boys, I'm pretty sure this is a problem that will solve itself..."

-Instead of fighting him, the PCs just go past him, and then seal him in the room with an extra-powerful Ward Portal spell, just to piss him off.   There's nothing more fun than pissing off Dark Elves. They deserve it.

-The PCs are nearly at the Archemaster's chamber, when suddenly, Pandassasins attack!
Yes, those are Pandas who are also assassins.


-They also have some magical abilities.  Unfortunately for the PCs, one of them involves mentally dominating Sandy the Warlord, and having her start to attack the PCs. Somehow, they've managed to turn the most pathetic dungeon they've been in into the deadliest encounter they've had in ages!

-Bill the Elf tries to use a Planar Step to get out of Dodge, misfires, and ends up making all the PCs switch places.  Suddenly, most of the party is left out in the statuary room with the Pandassasins, while Bill and Chu are left stuck with a still mind-controlled and murderous Sandy!  Well, she's ALWAYS murderous, but usually it's toward people other than the PCs.

-"Chu, do you have anything that can stop Sandy?!"
"Only my spear, and a desperate will to live!"

-Chu impressively manages to disarm Sandy!
"That gives us a chance!"
"She'll probably just start punching the shit out of us.. please please just punch the shit out of us!"

-Bill tries to counter the mind control with magic, and this causes a Phlogiston Disturbance, which leads to a "bullet time" confrontation between him and the Chief Pandassassin-wizard, while everyone else is moving in ultra-slow motion.

-Bill takes advantage of "Bullet time" by touching Sandy with the Primo Staff, leaving her stoned out of her mind.  Then he goes and kills the fuck out of the Pandassassin boss.

-When ordinary-time comes back, Sandy is tripping balls next to the panda corpse.
"This dead panda is soooo fuzzy..."

-The remaining Pandassasins are made to flee, but not before the fanfic-writer was tragically slain.  His last request is that his final erotic fanfics be published.  Ack'basha immediately burns them all instead.

-The party finally encounters the Archemaster, in a room filled with treasure, and a Sand Elemental, and a couple of very sickly looking dire snow-apes.  Just by looking at him, the PCs can tell the Archemaster is bugfuck nuts.


-Everything else in the world of the Last Sun may be facing extinction, but there's no risk of running out of crazy wizards any time soon.

-"what the fuck happened to you, man?"
"I'm having a temporary staffing problem!"

-The Archemaster is willing to peaceably part with the Arrow of Seeking, but he demands one of two conditions: he must either be given a "perfect human girl of marriageable age", or the death of the Council of Really Old Wizards (who drove him away from the Tundra).

-The PCs use the Arrow of Seeking, and it teleports them all to a half-collapsed deep underground chamber with a single Cryo-statis Tube.  Inside, there is a healthy-looking adult male Ancient wearing the uniform of the Command Staff.  Exactly what they need to get to the Crown of Creation and have a chance to stop G.0.D.'s insane plan.

-The second they free him, the Wizard Nikos teleports in from nowhere, grabs the Ancient, and teleports away!  He was playing the PCs all along.  Unable to get into the Archemaster's warded lair, he manipulated Bill and later the whole party to get the arrow and lead him to the Ancient he needed, presumably to go to the Crown of Creation himself.


(crazy old Greek wizards are the worst of all!)

"What a fucking asshole!"

So, we stop off there, once again finding that the PCs have potentially fucked up the world even worse than before.


Currently Smoking: Lorenzetti Solitario + Rattray's Old Gowrie

(March 20, 2016)
Title: DCC Campaign Log
Post by: RPGPundit on April 02, 2017, 05:51:16 AM
DCC Campaign Update:There, I've Fixed Everything

In the previous adventure, our stalwart anti-heroes were trying to stop G.O.D. from destroying the world with his Apocalypse Protocol.  They needed to find a living Ancient to accomplish this, having (accidentally) killed the one they had previously found.  After a lot of trouble, they finally managed to get themselves a replacement Ancient, in a cave deep below the world, only to have the insane wizard Nikos show up and take him away.


-"I have to say, G.O.D.'s half-assed over-reaction is a lot worse than G.O.D.'s half-assed under-reaction."

-Suddenly, a portal opens up, and a zombie in renaissance clothing comes out, holding out his putrefied hand:
"Come with me if you don't want to live anymore!"

-The zombie is intelligent, and his name is Giancomo.

-This campaign has gotten to the point where a talking zombie walks out of a mysterious portal, and half the party is willing to go with him, no questions asked.

-"I take you to the court of the Nightmare Queen. Is nice!"

-"I see you are still alive. Unfortunate! But is ok, we can fix!"
"I tried to do that with Bill, but it didn't take."

-"I know this is really prejudiced of me, but I have to ask: do you eat brains?"
"No, I can eat all flesh of living, is good! But brains is special delicacy!"

-Giancomo is from the Zombie Empire.  BOLT-0 is not impressed: "THE ZOMBIE EMPIRE IS IMPERIALIST!"

-Even so, the party goes with Giancomo to the Zombie Empire court of the Nightmare Queen. It's a pretty civilized place, full of zombies dressed up in fancy renaissance-Italy style costumes. The Nightmare Queen looks like an impressive zombie version of Elizabeth I, bejeweled dress and wide collar and all. She has a proposition for the PCs: she'll give them immortal existence by making them zombie aristocrats in her empire, if they help her take down G.O.D.
Her plan to do this, however, involves unsealing something called the "pit of 10000 souls" which she'll use as a superweapon to blast her way into the Crown of Creation; unfortunately in the process all non-undead life on the inner surface of the world will be extinguished.

-"So we have to choose between letting G.O.D. kill absolutely everything, or helping the Nightmare Queen to just kill everything that isn't undead?"
"That's this whole campaign in a nutshell, isn't it? A constant choice between the lesser of two or more complete fuckups."

-While the PCs try to decide whether they'll accept the Nightmare Queen's generous offer, the court has a banquet in the PCs' honor. The banquet includes fancy dances, a zombie string quartet, and a large table of fine foods for mortals (Dr.Theobald particularly appreciates the bananas). The zombies have a table full of raw meat and live animals, but then the main course arrives: a group of living mortal prisoners that the zombies plan to go all 'walking dead' on.

-Ack'basha's rarely-used clerical instinct for good kicks in, and he jumps in to protect the prisoners.
"Why do I feel like Ack'Basha's trying to do the right thing? I'm confused..."
"It's so weird... it feels so wrong!"

-The Zombies very diplomatically decide to spare the mortals' lives in consideration for their special guests, and suddenly the party is graced with three 0-level newbs! One is a human dentist from Arkhome, another a Cold Mutant from the tundra, and the last is a Fishman fisherman.

-Meanwhile, the Nightmare Queen has invited Bill the Elf into her chambers. He's a bit worried that the zombie-monarch is going to try to proposition him.
"Oh, don't worry. I know I look hideous to you right now, but when you become a zombie I'll seem amazingly attractive.  By zombie standards I have like an 18 Charisma."

-The Nightmare Queen knows that Bill has a phylactery, and that it is in Sezrekhan's possession. She claims that if he joins forces with her, she can steal the phylactery back for him.  She'll make him a lich, like she is, and an Arch-Duke in the Zombie Empire.  After all the mortal life is extinguished, she plans to expand the Zombie Empire world-wide, and he'll be in charge of his own continent.

-Bill is nearly on board, but he just about balks at the deal when he realizes that zombies can't get high from any of his favorite drugs.
"Well, we do have other ways to do that kind of thing.  Eating the brains of Alzheimer's patients, for example"

-Meanwhile, at the Banquet, Ack'Basha has a surprise encounter with an old acquaintance: the Assassin King! The former monarch of Arkhome has fled in exile to the Zombie Empire, after having been overthrown by a coalition of the Halconlords and the Arkhome Old Families.
The Assassin King has an alternate offer: he has information about another surviving Ancient. He wants to steal the special scroll that would allow the Nightmare Queen to release the power of the Pit of 10000 Souls, and then help Ack'basha to find the remaining Ancient, in exchange for Ack'basha helping him retake his throne in Arkhome.
"You know, for an extinct race, there sure are an awful lot of ancients fucking around..."

-Meanwhile, Bill pretends to agree with the Nightmare Queen's proposal, but then decides to immediately contact Sezrekhan.  He tells his zombie handler that he needs to use a bathroom, as a way to get some privacy, which creates the problem of the zombies having to improvise a bathroom in a palace designed for inhabitants who have no need of bathrooms.

-Sezrekhan confirms the Nightmare Queen's claim of having been a former agent of Sezrekhan, saying that in fact she was perhaps his greatest student.
"Hey, that hurts!"
"Seriously?  You aren't even in the top 100!"

-With Ack'basha wanting to get the team on board with the Assassin King's plan, and Bill wanting to get the team to unknowingly help him to fulfill Sezrekhan's orders to find out who is betraying him to the Nightmare Queen and then thwart her, both decide they need to get some private time with the other adventurers.

-"Ok, let's get into a huddle.. not you, newb. You don't get to be in the huddle until you're level 1"

-The huddle is deemed insufficiently private.
"Hey Giancomo.. we need to have a room to.. um.. sleep in and.. uh.. do other living-people things"

-Giancomo leads the group to the diplomatic guest bedrooms, including the three newbies.
"So, you used to be food, eh? Congratulations! And they say you can't move up in the world anymore."

-The team now have to reach some kind of a decision.
"Let's go for a consensus agreement!"
"Oh shit, not consensus!"

-"I have a phylactery"
"Having a phylactery just means I get to kill you more than once!"

-Unable to reach a unified decision (by consensus or otherwise), the party decides to split.  In spite of splitting the party having never ever been a good idea.  Dr.Theobald, Bolt-0 and one of the newbs are going with Ack'basha; while Sandy, Chu, and the other two newbs want to stay in the Zombie Empire with Bill.

-Ack'basha's group gets magically snuck out of the palace by the Assassin King. Meanwhile, the other group almost immediately regrets their decision to stay behind, when Bill (on orders from Sezrekhan, having found out who the Nightmare Queen's 'inside man' was) suddenly decides that he wants to leave now.


-Ack'basha's group meet with the Assassin King, as they prepare to flee the city on a zombie gondola (complete with zombie gondolier).  There, they learn that the Assassin King's agent, who had the info on the Ancient and who just stole the Nightmare Queen's magical armageddon scroll, is none other than Jal'udin the rogue!  The same guy who killed Bill for the first time, betrayed the party for Sezrekhan and who murdered Marvin the Chosen One, and stopped Ack'basha from using the sacred USB cable to reboot G.O.D. the first time.
"You killed Marvin, why shouldn't I kill you here?"
"Please. If you had gotten your way we just would have been in this mess we're in now, one year earlier."

-Furthermore, it turns out that the Ancient he discovered was none other than the human boy who'd been raised by a religious sect of Polygamous Wolves!  Mormon-wolf Boy had been with the PCs all along without any of them realizing it, and had disappeared mysteriously in the Dust Sea.  As it turns out, because Jal'udin had kidnapped him.
"Ok, so where is he now?"
"I don't know. After I kidnapped him from you, the Time Dinosaurs showed up and kidnapped him from me."

-"So you served Sezrekhan, but the Nightmare Queen thought you were working for her, only you betrayed her to team up with the Assassin King?"
"Jal'udin is a professional triple-crosser!"

-The group with Bill, realizing they've made a terrible mistake by choosing to stick with him, decide to rat him out to the Nightmare Queen.
"Man, we really should have gone with Ack'Basha. Sure, Ack'basha will fuck you in the end, but Bill fucks you right from the start!"

-The last straw was when they realized he had been lying to them about what she'd said to him, and at that point both the zombies and the other PCs are ready to kill Bill. Bill decides it's time to bugger off, and teleports himself to the only place where he's likely to be safe for at least the short term; planewalking to Mt.Parnassus (where the timeless law of neutral ground states that there can be no violence).

-Bill finds that in the four days since he was last there, the huge assembly of the great and the good have accomplished precisely fuck all. They're still just making long presentations and speeches and breaking up discussion into smaller groups while they ceaselessly prevaricate about how to deal with the crisis.  He decides to warn them about Nikos having stolen an Ancient, and the Nightmare Queen's plans.
"Why should we listen to you? You caused all this when you killed the Ancient girl!"
"It was an accident! Everyone gets one free pass, right?"
"Everyone gets a free pass to kill one Ancient?!"
"I guess that explains why they're basically extinct."

-"My fellow assembly-persons: with this new information that has come to light, and with less than 24 hours until the Apocalypse Protocol completes, I think it is very clear that we now MUST take action.  Therefore, I propose a bold move: we must create a whole new Sub-Committee!"

-When the Nightmare Queen realizes that her scroll to break the seal on the Pit of 10000 Souls has been stolen, she is ready to give up. But Chu suggests that they might still be able to save the world if they can perhaps find Nikos and the Ancient he took with him. The sewers below Arkhome, the only place where Nikos is known to live, seems like the most likely place to look.

-Meanwhile, Ack'basha and the Assassin King fail to be able to find the Time Dinosaurs through divination magic.  Thus, they decide to fall back on their backup: they will go to Arkhome to try to find Nikos and take back the Ancient he stole.

-Finally, Bill the Elf manages to send word to the Daemons, telling them that the only chance now might be if they can get back the Ancient that Nikos stole. They decide to send a strikeforce of Halconlords to raid Nikos' sewer-hovel.  Bill himself plans to go, but first he gets high and has a vision of Nikos, and a warning that there will be mass bloodshed for everyone who comes  to Arkhome. So he decides to sit this one out and let everyone else get blood-shedded.

-the Nightmare Queen sends the Dentist and Giancomo the Zombie to the Arkhome Sewers first, to parley with Nikos, who again looks less like a wizard and more like a greek slob.
"You serious?  You send 0-level character to try to solve this?!"


-Nikos turns Giancomo human, then back to a zombie again, then slices him in half. Then he gives the Dentist little vestigial wings "So you be like cupid. Chicks like that! Women are dumb for cute! Now you go. I keep zombie legs. Might prove useful in future!"

-Bill the Elf, meanwhile, finds himself at the foot of Mt.Parnassus, where he sees the thousands of refugees still haven't gotten food or blankets, and have mostly started killing each other or dying of hunger.  He remembers that when he asked Nikos what he wanted, Nikos said he wanted "$19.95". So  he starts looting bodies until he finds 19gp, 95cp, climbs up Parnassus and then throws it off the edge.
"There. I've fixed everything!"

-"There are some here already. Your friends, the Warrior Woman, the Annoying Guy, and some Little Shit"
*whispered* "I wonder which of us is which?"

-The Assassin King and Ack'basha, with their assassins, arrive at the sewers, at exactly the same time as the Halconlord strike team, in a scene reminiscent of this:

-Halconlords: "The Ribond is Light!"
Ack'basha the cleric: "Freaking religious types..."

-the Halconlords and Assassins promptly forget all about Nikos and the imminent end of the world, and start slaughtering each other. By the time the fight is over (the Assassins winning, albeit with heavy losses), Nikos is already ascending in a column of light up to the Crown of Creation!

-All other options now being lost, or rather wasted, Ack'Basha tries extreme measures, using Divine Aid to try to contact the King of Elfland, hoping he can get the senile old daemon to send him back in time to fix everything. The King of Elfland mistakes him for G.O.D., and agrees that he will send Ack'basha and his friends back in time 'whenever' to recover the missing wolf-boy Ancient from the Time Dinosaurs. But then, nothing actually seems to happen.
"well, that didn't work. Maybe I should try again?"
"So, you're actually going to double down on the most insane plan you've ever had?"
"We've gotten to the point where Ack'Basha is using Divine Aid to basically prank-call Daemons"

-However, something DOES happen. Or rather, doesn't! G.O.D.'s Apocalypse Protocol appears to shut down, whether thanks to Nikos, or to the King of Elfland, or the Time Dinosaurs, or Bill's sacrifice of $19.95, it isn't really clear.

-On Mt.Parnassus, the Council of the Great and the Good declare victory: "The important thing is that we did here really mattered!"

-"As for you, Bill, you did the most important thing you could have possibly done to end this crisis: Nothing!"

-"Once again, we have restored the status quo, of our fragile reality hanging by a thread."

-Sezrekhan is quite happy with how things turned out, when Bill contacts him.  It even turns out that Jal'udin is still working for him, though the Assassin King equally believes in Jal'udin's loyalty.  Bill, for his part, asks for a new body; so Sezrekhan obliges him by teleporting him 80Km in the air above the valley to his death.

-Bill comes back, in the middle of a grassy field, in the body of some other mutant, being threatened by a 5-inch tall humanoid that looks like a ball of fluff.

Next time: Invasion of the Tiny Fluffy People!


Currently Smoking: Ben Wade Canadian + Image Latakia

(April 1, 2016)
Title: DCC Campaign Update: Nothing of Value Will be Lost
Post by: RPGPundit on April 20, 2017, 12:24:12 AM
So at the end of the previous adventure, the PCs had kind of sort of had something vaguely to do with stopping G.O.D. from destroying all life in the world.  Now most of them were still in the sewers of Arkhome, a bit at a loss as to what to do.  All except Bill the Elf who found himself in a new body in the middle of nowhere, confronted by an adorable tiny fluff-person.



-The PCs got to see the Assassin King standing there looking all epic.


-Bill the Elf leveled up, which means he got himself a random spell, which turned out to be the most useless 4th level spell.

-"Assassin king, I would like to hire you to kidnap someone"
"I'm not the Kidnapping King!"
"But it's pretty much just like assassinating someone except without actually killing them!"

-The PCs decide to go with the Assassin King, to fulfill their promise of helping him to take Arkhome back from the Old Families and the Halconlords.  Unfortunately, the moment they get out of the sewers and up to the ground level of Arkhome, they find themselves facing about 90 Halconlords, including Duke Halcon himself!

-Deciding that 8 vs. 90 is not good odds, Chu convinces Sandy the Warlord to defy Duke Halcon to single combat, figuring it'll be an easy way to solve the problem.


-It certainly does solve things pretty fast, when in the first round Sandy loses half her hit points and it's obvious that Duke Halcon is a vastly superior combatant.
"...I've made a huge mistake"

-In the second round of combat, Duke Halcon slices half of Sandy's left leg clean off!


-"Ok.. Sandy's doomed. It's time to get the fuck out of Dodge!"

-"Holy shit! He took her leg off!! I've just failed my morality check"
"do you mean you've failed your morale check?"
"No, I meant morality check, as in I'm going try to sneak back down into the sewers and leave everyone else to be slaughtered"
"I think you all lost your morality check long ago..."

-While the rest of the PCs are throwing out Darkness spells and running like hell, Bill the Elf is somewhere completely different, finding himself the 'prisoner' of a little fluffy warrior, who is going to take Bill to his king.  Along the way, the tiny fluffy person spontaneously reproduces, several times, so that there's 8 little fluffy people by the time Bill gets to Little Fluffy Person HQ, where he notes there's maybe a thousand little fluffy persons, all of them asexually reproducing at an alarming rate.

-"Ok, so at this rate there'll be like a quadrillion fluffy people in a couple of days.. this might be a bigger problem than it first appears"


-"With our bravery, our numbers, and our cuteness we will conquer the world!"

-Bill discovers that the Tiny Fluffy People had been brought to the material plane by the King of Elfland, as some crazy senile-old-man move to try to repopulate the world if G.O.D. annihilates it, and then forgot to send them back.  Now the Tiny Fluffy People have decided they're going to conquer the entire world, and they might just do it through sheer force of numbers.

-Bill also finds he's not the only prisoner.  He meets fellow prisoner Zeke Bodean, who is a world-renowned Scriptural Archaeologist.
"Through my careful investigations and the guiding hand of the Lord, I have been able to miraculously discover a number of the ancient relics that are mentioned in the Holy Book.  For example, I rediscovered the ass-bone that Molosh used to slay 10000 Jebishites, the golden cup of Abanathia the Harlot, and the ruins of the hill fortress of the Zamalekites which was razed to the ground by King Shobazephat!"

(I imagine Bodean looking like this guy)

-While held prisoners in a rapidly-built Fluffy Person wicker cage, Zeke Bodean decides to exorcise Bill of the demon Sezrekhan's hold on him, by praying for him, laying hands, and speaking in tongues.  Bill decides to play a trick on this religious nutso by using his Cantrip spell to simulate the voice of G.O.D.

-"Now look, my friend, G.0.D. is not your enemy. He has a message of peace and love... and terrible wrath on anyone who doesn't listen to it."

-"You fluffy heathens must do what you will, but you will not stand against the power of the Lord. Both my friend Bill and I are ready to die as martyrs!"
"No I'm not! Anyways, I died a few times already... it didn't take!"

-Meanwhile, the rest of the party got split up as they fled from the Halconlords.  Chu and Dr.Theobald the ape scientist got lost deep in the sewers; while Ack'Basha managed to find his way to an Assassin hideout, and they agreed to smuggle him to the city while waiting to find out if the Assassin King himself had survived the battle.


-"Holy fuck, Sandy is dead.. probably!"
"It just goes to show, no matter how amazing you are, there's always someone higher level than you. Well, unless you're 10th level."

-Ack'Basha gets up to the Arkhome city levels, killing a couple of muggers and raising them as his first zombie servants, which will look totally inconspicuous.

-Ack'Basha realizes he's in the Arkhome spire known as "the Slaver's Tower", which once had a large slave market. Today it has a small slave market and a large handicraft market.

-Bill the Elf decides he's sick of the Fluffy People and Bodean, and planar-steps his way a few hundred kilometers away. It's then that he realizes that the general area he's in is none other than the Great Furry Plain. He realizes this when he sees a village up ahead with the surrounding farmland being worked by a number of peasants dressed up in fursuits.

-"Why hello there, stranger! My name is Barksdale! I'm one-half kangaroo and one-half dog. I'm also polysexual! You look like you need a hug.. or maybe some dry humping?"

-"Take these turnips with you on your journey.. they may be useful for multiple purposes!"

-After 10 minutes with the fursuiters, Bill is ready to planar-step the fuck out of there, even at the cost of slicing off 3d4 damage worth of his own flesh to do it.
"Oh my lord!" says Barksdale, "that's horrible! ...And a little kinky!"

-Bill does finally teleport away, getting to the door of the Azure Tower through massive spellburn, but now finds himself unable to say anything other than his true name.  He must now proceed to try to explain the threat of the Tiny Fluffy People through an awkward game of charades with the gender nonconforming wizards of the Azure Order.

-Having been lost for hours in the sewers, Chu and Dr.Theobald end up in the lair of a Fun-Guy, a species of humanoid mushroom-man made from psychedelic substances.  They avoid getting themselves killed by agreeing to buy his wares.


-They then move on to the caves of the Hand Tribe, a species of cursed humanoids with enormous hands where their heads should be.

-"you distract the Hand Tribe guards and I'll try to disarm them"
"there's multiple ways of interpreting that"

-Chu and Dr.Theobald finally make it to the surface, where they find BOLT-0!
"we need to find a more civilized place!"
"Really? This shithole?"

-At the Azure Tower, Bill finally manages to explain what's going on with the Tiny Fluffy People and their plans for world domination.
"We're going to have to immolate the entire Great Furry Plain"
"...nothing of value will be lost."


-The Azure Wizards decide to bring in the rest of the PC team to deal with the crisis.

-BOLT-0 detects radiation from Bill's new body (a radiation mutant)

-The PCs will split up into various groups: Bill will stay behind with the Azure Wizards to help in the group ritual to create the biggest Control Fire spell ever (ironically, with the shitty spell he was bemoaning getting on leveling up). Chu will go into the Fluffy People's camp to rescue the prisoners they've currently captured.  Ack'Basha will also go among them, to provide a distraction and later to act as the epicenter of the massive fireball they're going to create (with the help of a magic pendant to let them channel the spell to him).

-When Chu and Ack'basha arrive, Chu willingly lets himself be captured while Ack'basha pretends to be an ally of the Fluffy People, warning them that their enemies plan to attack.
The Fluffy people have a defensive strategy: "Form the war machine!"
With that, a billion fluffy people combine to form a giant mecha-fluffy person.

-Chu ends up trapped in a wicker cage with a group of furries who greet him in their traditional manner, with a dry-humping "cuddle pile".

-"you know Bill, you're really shitty at this whole 'reformed' act"
"Well, you can't expect me to completely reform overnight!"
"We don't actually expect you to reform at all!"

-BOLT-O is also helping with the Azure Wizard's ritual, using his vast occult knowledge to inscribe a +4 ritual circle of power.


-Dr.Theobald had been sent to try to warn the major Furry settlement of the impending fireball, only a few bothered to listen to him.
"these furries are idiots!"
"Didn't the costumes give that away?"

-Incredibly, the ritual goes off without a hitch, and the Great Furry Plain turns into the Great Furry Plain of Glass.

-"I managed to save about 4 people! I think that's a new record for us!"
"Wait, are we going to start marking our success by how many people we save?"

-In reward for their success, the Azure Order helps the PCs out, relieving them from the geas-bracelets the Archemaster had imposed upon them, erasing that spell Bill didn't like, and in the case of Dr. Theobald, sending him back home to the Gorilla Kingdoms.  He is at most a part-time adventurer, and at this point considers himself lucky to have survived TWO full stints with our PCs.

-"you know, I can't believe we survived that dungeon.. we made a good team, Chu and I".
"Chu better believe it!"
"as far as I'm concerned, Chu and I have a lot in common"
"On the other hand, Chu and I travel to the beat of a different drum"

-Ack'basha decides to give BOLT-O the 'One Ring', in what will no doubt eventually lead to Ack'Basha saying "..I've made a huge mistake" at some point in the future.
(heard from the hallway) "WOO-HOO!"

-the group also gains a new NPC hanger on, as Scriptural Archaeologist Zeke Bodean was one of those who was saved by Chu, and decides that he is being called on by the Lord to accompany the mostly-heathen PCs on their journey, hoping his (probably worthless) scriptural-archeology skills will prove to be of some use to them.


The adventure comes to a close with the majority of the PCs heading off to Highbay, where they plan to figure out just how to take advantage of the power-vacuum that will be happening in the lands of the Warlord Sandy when news of her death at the hands of the Halconlords reaches there.
All except for Bill, who is going to stop off at Anthraz's palace/retirement-home first, hoping the incredibly old super-adventurer might have a way to help him find his lost Primo Staff.

That's it for this week. Stay tuned in a couple of weeks for more exciting DCC adventures!


Currently Smoking:  Lorenzetti solitario oversize + H&H's Beverwyck

(April 18, 2016)
Title: DCC Campaign Log
Post by: RPGPundit on May 02, 2017, 02:13:10 AM
DCC Campaign Update: Come at Me, Bro!

In our last adventure, the PCs had ended up going back to Highbay, with the vague plan of trying to take advantage of the tragic demise of their former dear friend Sandy the Warlord, hoping to go to her former center of power (the Dread Fort) and take everything that wasn't nailed to the floor. All except Bill, who decided to stop off to visit retired super-adventurer Anthraz first, and the Fishman Fisherman who had last been seen getting apparently wiped out of existence when the Wizard Nikos' former hovel imploded.


-The Fishman Fisherman is in an extradimensional space, of infinite emptiness.
"I don't have time for this Matrix shit."


-Fortunately, Nikos tells him to go back to the material plane, and warn his friends not to try to follow him to the Crown of Creation.  He literally drops the Fishman Fisherman down from the heavens.

-Luckily, there's something to break his fall:
"Pillows! Conveniently placed pillows for sale!"

-"What were those pillows made of?"

"Are you really 'friends' with this newb?"

-"So Sandy's really dead?!"
"Well, we didn't actually stick around to see her final death, so you know, if there's no seen body."
"So what y'all are saying is that she's Schroedinger's psychopath?"

-"We'll be going to the dread fort as soon as we're healed up."
"I don't know. I'm pretty sure that place is above my challenge rating."

-Highbay has changed somewhat since the last time the PCs were here.  The gang war they'd inadvertently started between the cyrilic/Goldhalcon mafia and the Bharata/Draconian mafia allowed the Highbay authorities to get rid of both sides, and set up the relatively harmless local dealer 'Old Crazy Jim' as the new criminal kingpin.  For Highbay, that's a total victory.

-"Goddamn kids today, going to the tatoo parlor and getting a new body."

-"I've been stabbed through the spleen more often than you've had orgasms!"

-Highbay's market is not like other town's markets. Case in point, the "Armor and Meth Emporium".

-BOLT-0 is thinking of staying behind in Highbay and resuming his former job as a Councillor.


-Suddenly, an enraged minotaur teleports in out of nowhere and charges at the party.
"Oh fuck you!!"


-"You were exercising Warrior Privilege when you slaughtered that minotaur!"
"Warriors don't have any privilege"
"In this system they do, they can attack more than once a round!"

-Meanwhile, in all this, Bill the Elf got booted by a fairly grumpy Anthraz, and ended up back in the valley at the base of Mt.Parnassus searching for his Primo Staff.  He saw that the vast numbers of refugees had all either died or fled, and there were mostly ruined tents and corpses left on the field. He finds the corpse of his former body, but his Primo Staff has been stolen; presumably by whoever it was who also wrote "bill was here" on his armor.

-Eventually, Bill did find one crazy old woman named Elsa cooking what he suspected was human flesh in a pot.
"where are you from, Elsa?"
"Old country!"
"But which old country?"
"No, that the name, Old Country!"


-Suddenly, out of nowhere, a Minotaur teleports in, swearing obscenities, and attacks Bill!  He's in a dire spot, but Elsa helps him out with a well placed strike to the minotaur's head with a frying pan. This buys Bill exactly the amount of time he needs to abandon Elsa to her minotaur-based doom by teleporting away.

-He teleports to Highbay and quickly finds the rest of the gang. "You guys, someone wrote "bill was here" on my old armor, and it wasn't even me!"

-Meanwhile, Ack'basha returns to the temple he'd made in town, only to find that it was occupied by a cult of a few dozen fanatical shaven-headed robe-wearing followers of his, chanting "Hare Ack'Basha, Hare Ack'basha!"

-"What should we do now, master Ack'basha"
"Well.. try to all the things you can to improve the city."
"We will, master! We'll fool them all!"

-Needing some weapons, Bill goes to the local "Weapon & LSD Emporium".  Noting he lacks any cash, he just charms the proprietor.  He then realizes he needs some food, so he gets the now-charmed businessman to make him dinner. Unfortunately, the roast was laced with LSD (not for any special reason, just because apparently that's what you do in Highbay when you have a guest over for supper).

-"There is a certain logic to this plan, similar to the logic I use for finding Scriptural artifacts"
"Whatever you might say about Zeke, he really believes his bullshit. Not like Ack'basha!"

-That night, staying in three separate places, Ack'Basha, Chu, and Bill are all attacked by violent Minotaurs.  Bill's attacks when he's stoned out of his mind on LSD, so Bill channels his friend Bob Shoggoth. Bill will regain consciousness next morning to find that both the Minotaur and his host and much of his host's house and roof were torn to shreds by giant tentacles.

-Meanwhile Ack'basha is inside his temple, which is under a permanent Holy Sanctuary. The Minotaur can't come in to attack.  Instead he's forced to pace furiously outside the door shouting "Come at me, bro!!"


-Chu and Zeke Bodean manage to take out their minotaur attacker, with a bit of help from the owner of the Silver Moon Inn, where they were staying.  The innkeep's weirdness factor only increases by virtue of his owning a large blaster pistol behind his bar counter.

-Chu later goes to find Ack'Basha, only to realize the Minotaur is unable to attack BELIEVERS in Ack'Basha's temple, but he could attack unbelievers.  Luckily, Ack'Basha baptizes Chu; though not to save Chu, just to avoid getting a casting penalty the next day.

-Meanwhile, the furious Minotaur has stripped off his shirt. "I'm nearly naked now, but that just makes a fight more intense! Fuck you!!"

-The Minotaur is slain, and the PCs start trying to get some clues as to why the hell minotaurs keep teleporting in to attack them.
"That last Minotaur said he was from some place... some city.. I don't remember which he mentioned. Minotauria?"
"It wasn't Minotauria, you idiot, you just made that up!"

-The PCs continue to try to investigate the next day, only to have yet another Minotaur attack. This one charges Bill and gores him with his horns!
"Bill's got the higher ground now, guys!"
"...because he's suspended by the horns that ran through him."

-"My friends, my skills as a scriptural archeologist lead me to think that these minotaur attacks are the work of powers of evil!"
"Dude, like half this party could be called 'powers of evil'."

-BOLT-O has done some research in his alchemical tower, and tells the PCs that these crazy minotaur attacks may be related to an ancient ritual called the "Sacrifice of 1000 Minotaurs".  Some wizard is teleporting the minotaurs in for the PCs to kill, and if he gets them to kill 1000 of them he'll become immortal.
"wait.. at 3xp per minotaur, that's like 3000xp!"
"So... you're saying we actually want in on this?"

-Suddenly, another minotaur attacks!
"Whoops, it's Minotaur-o'clock, you guys!"


-This time, there's a second minotaur, a she-minotaur wearing a bikini-chain-mail around her udders.
"I was going to ask if female minotaurs are hot, but that description pretty well made it obvious they're not"
"Well, unless you're a fucking furry."

-The She-Minotaur takes out Ack'basha with a vicious attack!


-"Holy shit, she dropped Ack'basha! Bill, you got to spellburn!"
"I have nothing left to spellburn, dude! Look at my stats, I'm a fucking amoeba!"

-Even so, Bill tries to do his Sequester spell, but the end result is just an enraged minotaur that crosses the fire trap and keeps attacking.
"Great, now the minotaur is on fire! You only made it worse!"

-Finally, an incredibly fortunate roll on a Choking Cloud spell drops the minotaur attack. Ack'basha makes his luck roll and turns out to be still alive.

-The party carries on with its investigations, but wants to restock on equipment, so they go back to the house of the merchant that Bill had charmed and accidentally got killed in an LSD-and-Lovecraftian-Monstrosity-fueled craze the previous night.  Bodean bets that Ack'basha, who isn't present, would never approve of robbing the possessions of a dead man.
"You really don't know Ack'basha, do you?"

-When they get around to telling Ack'basha:
Bill: "yeah, its not like we killed him or something"
Bodean: "You LITERALLY DID!"
"Sure, but that doesn't count"

-"So Sezrekhan won't help us figure out which wizard is sending the minotaur against us?"
"He's not interested."
"Does he no longer care whether you live or die?"
"I'm pretty sure he never did!"

-"Well, my friend, you could still renounce your daemonic master and come back to the Lord. G.O.D. forgives all things!"

-"So we're just going to rest up a few days and then go to the Dread Fort like before? And totally ignore the problem with the minotaurs? That's a horrible plan!"
"Yeah, well, I'm a horrible person."

That was all for this session. Having resolved nothing, and with much of the party having almost died, the PCs just decided the mystery of who was sending the minotaurs after them was just too damn hard to solve, so they're just going to keep killing minotaurs as they go along, and carry on with the plan of milking the Dread Fort for all they can steal, before Sandy's warrior legions figure out she's dead.


Currently Smoking: Mastro de Paja Bent Billiard + Rattray's Old Gowrie
Title: DCC Campaign Log
Post by: RPGPundit on May 16, 2017, 02:36:55 AM
DCC Campaign Update: What we Need to go get are Some Cows in Heat

Today's adventure began with the PCs still in Highbay, still encountering apparently random attacks of Minotaurs from an unknown wizard, and planning not so much on how to deal with it but on whether they want to deal with it or just use this to farm XP.


-"Is there a body of water in this town?"
"Well, it is called HighBAY"

-"I'm not under threat from these attacks, but I'm going stand with the rest of you guys."
"...for the XP, right?"

-Sezrekhan interrupts Bill the Elf's spellcasting to tell him that he must immediately go into the badlands to recover an ultra-powerful book of magic known as the "Libram of the Ten Spheres". Whoever has it in their possession, and can survive its super-dangerous ark-of-the-covenant-style effects, can use it to reach any of the higher planes, including the Crown of Creation. Just to make sure Bill doesn't fuck around, Sezrekhan puts him under a Geas.

-"My friends, this book sounds to me like it was a daemonic book of evil!"
"Oh shit, it's this asshole again! I forgot we still had Zeke Bodean with us!"

-"I hit Zeke with my staff"
"Does your staff do something special, like Bill's Primo Staff?"
"So.. you're just violently beating him?"

-"We could go get this book, but for G.O.D. instead of Sezrekhan!"
"G.O.D. is pretty much under Nikos' control right now."
"He pretty much IS Nikos right now!"
"Yes, but when I says G.O.D. I actually mean us. You know, for G.O.D."
"Right, and when he says 'us', he really means himself. You know, FOR 'us'"

-"Whoops, it's Minotaur-o-Clock again!"
"Let's go kill it..."
"Right you are guys. I'll just be right here in the corner absorbing XP."


-"You did not hit Chu."
"Chu did not hit?"
"Fuck chu! Fuck Chu all!"
"Are Chu done yet?"

-At this point, Chu the Warrior has become a truly bizarre hybrid between a certain idiotic regressive leftist, and a certain cast member from The Community.


-Trying to be helpful in the fight against the latest Minotaur, the Fishman tries to cast like five spells in a row, failing at all of them. Finally, he succeeds at Spider Climb, which he uses to scurry onto the ceiling.  Once the battle is over, Ack'basha grabs a broom to swat him back down.

-"Here, my followers, use this statuette of Bill the Elf, put it in the far corner as a symbol of pure evil. On every holy day throw stones at the statue."
"Hey! I'm right here!"
"Yeah, Ack'basha. I'm not entirely sure but there's a slight chance Bill might have real feelings, and if so, that was potentially mean."
"Come on, it's funny!"
"Well, yeah, it is funny!"

-The next day the Fishman heads off in search of some armor to buy, and find someone he can sell a bag of heroin that had come into his possession.  He gets the former going easily enough, but for the latter he's directed to a place called 'the factory', over on 5th and Gygax St.

-Once there, he finds that its a warehouse converted into a weird nightclub full of demented freaks. Lots of people dressed in black, strange music and lights, a whole series of technicolor prints of a portrait of BOLT-0 on one wall.


-The whole thing is run by a guy called 'the director', who is surrounded by fawning degenerate sycophants. He immediately agrees to buy the heroin if the Fishman will pose bare-chested for a black and white short film.
"Oh you're absolutely hideous! It's really fantastic"


-"Ok... I'm getting out of this weird weird place and will never speak of this again."


-When the party meets up with BOLT-0 to learn more about the Libram of the Ten Spheres, they find out that it apparently originated from the sunken lost city of Atlantida.
(the joke being that "Atlantida" is a coastal town here in Uruguay)


"When was it ever the first??"
"Dude, you get that you're basically his abused spouse at this point?"
"Yeah, but you don't know the whole story... I've done bad things too, it's not his fault, I deserve it!"

-"We want to have the book to contact G.O.D.!"
"What we should do is destroy it!"
"I suppose you think we should give the book to you?"
"Wait, would you even be able to read it?"

-"Ok, you guys, I have a plan to deal with the Minotaur issue.  What we need to do is go get some cows in heat.."

-"Um... Bolt-0.. I went to this.. place, it had pictures of you on the wall. It was full of really weird people. What do you have to do with them?"
"Well, like.. there was this lizard guy with a beret and a cigarette holder.. and an obese gold mutant who'd painted his skin silver..."

-The team decides that to deal with the daily minotaur attacks during their trip to the badlands, they're going to get some supplies.
"No, there are no such thing as 'Armored Carts'".

-They settle for attaching a bunch of spears to a cart, and decide to hire some mercenaries. Eventually, they get a bunch of Dutch Crossbowmen for some reason.
"Ya, we are Dutch crossbowmen.. isn't that weird?"


-On the trip, they of course encounter a number of Minotaur attacks. Plus one very confused Ogre who seemed to have been teleported by accident. The Ogre, unlike the Minotaurs, is not enraged or interested in attacking the PCs.
"Look, I just want to get back to my wife and kids. We were all vacationing together."
"Out of curiosity, was it in a Minotaur city?"

-They consider inviting the Ogre to join them, but when he realizes who they actually are, he runs like hell.

-"So are you guys just going to sleep through the night and let the mercenaries stand guard?"
"Well, inasmuch as possible given how many Dutch people are around"

-"Bill the Elf is taking a personal interest in making sure things are weird enough for the Dutchmen!"

-To everyone's surprise, the spear-lined cart works on at least one minotaur, who charges right at the cart and ends up impaling himself.

That's where we stopped for the night; the PCs are just about where Sezrekhan said they had to go, and are ready to try to find the Libram of the Ten Spheres.  As usual, just about everyone in the party has their own competing agenda about why they want it and how they plan to double-cross everyone else to get it.  We'll see how it goes down. Probably hilariously.


Currently Smoking: Lorenzetti Oversize + H&H's Beverwyck

(may 15, 2016)
Title: DCC Campaign Log
Post by: RPGPundit on June 17, 2017, 01:15:47 PM
DCC Campaign Update:It's Gotten Too Weird for the Dutchmen

As of our last adventure, the PCs were heading deep into the badlands, in search of a legendary magical artifact known as the Libram of the 10 spheres.  This book had the power to open access to any of the higher planes, including the Crown of Creation where (it is assumed) G.O.D. is being kept in seclusion by the insane wizard/daemon Nikos.  They were told about this by the daemon Sezrekhan, who has geased Bill the Elf into finding it, but of course both Ack'Basha the Cleric and BOLT-0 the robot want it for themselves.

So the PCs have made it to about a day away from the supposed location of the Libram; together with BOLT-0, Zeke Bodean the Scriptural Archeologist, 9 Dutch Crossbowmen, and a handful of zombies created by Ack'Basha.


-Bill the Elf wakes up and goes around the corner to take a wee; the rest of the PCs hear weird TARDIS sounds and when they check it out he's vanished.

-"The Part of Bill the Elf will be played tonight by Sir Not-Appearing-in-this-Film"


-Bill the Elf is away vacationing in Switzerland; no doubt this will go over very well with Sezrekhan.

-"What happened?"
"Bill went out to pee."
"But where is he?"
"We could ask Swengi.. he might know because he likes to watch all of you while you pee, isn't that weird?"


-"Where were we going again? Minotauria?"
"Hey, it's a big world, I can dream can't I?"

-"Now with Bill missing, this is the perfect time to get the Libram!"

-Suddenly there's a flash of light, and an enraged minotaur appears, reminding the PCs that they're still suffering from mysterious minotaur attacks.
"Hey guys, it's minotaur time!"

-"I cast Ekim's Mystical Mask"
"Why?! Why would anyone ever do that??"

-"The Minotaur attacks Chu"
"Chu are being attacked!"
"It'll probably keep attacking Chu..."

-The minotaur defeated, the PCs continue along the badlands, making their way up a ridge, where they run into a goblin scouting party.
They quickly dispatch the cowardly humanoids, and loot the bodies.
"I have found a Tablet, no doubt it was sent by G.O.D. and will prove useful to our quest, my friends"
"You really aren't very familiar with G.O.D., are you Zeke?"

-"There's a lot of goblins up here.."
"Sure, but Ack'basha committed genocide on a whole town of goblins the last time we were in these parts"
"Yeah.. those were good times."

-Just as the PCs find the main goblin tribe, and have almost 300 goblins rushing at them, they see a flash of light and have 2 furious minotaurs attacking them from the other side!

-Zeke manages to drop one of the minotaurs with a lucky crossbow bolt!
"I hit! G.O.D. did that! If I had missed it would have been my own fault, of course"


-the goblins are dispatched when Ack'basha uses Divine Aid to make one of the minotaurs highly explosive and send it charging at the goblin horde.

-The second minotaur gets stopped by Ack'basha's Lotus Gaze, and is now the cleric's enchanted slave.
"So now Ack'basha not only has zombies, he has a Hypnotaur."

-The deceased minotaur was a somewhat unusual specimen; he was dressed in a lab coat, and had an ID badge identifying him as "Dr. Jim Minotaur" from the Tholos General Hospital.


-The PCs step through a hallucinatory terrain effect, and end up right in front of a semi-ruined tower, with a distinctive blue color they'd only seen before in the Azure order.
"fuck them, then!"

-Chu to Ack'Basha: "Is it really a good idea to let Bolt-0 have the book?"
"I'm not planning to let Bolt-0 have the book."
Chu to Bolt-0: "Is it really a good idea to let Ack'basha have the book??"

-The Fishman goes for a swim in the lake. He's fine, and finds nothing dangerous inside, but gets a very strange sort of electric feeling as he swims through it.
"you guys, there's something really weird about that lake"
"What, like Dutch-weird?"
"...yes, actually."


-a Detect Magic spell is of little use, when it shows that the entire tower and the entire lake are magical.

-Second Sight also reveals that the Libram both is and is not inside the tower.

-The PCs become magical too, as they start going into the tower, but then some become unmagical when they go the wrong way, revealing that there seems to be a kind of code to making one's way through the tower.

-The tower is also infested by giant seagulls and giant fruit flies, which prove to be a bit of a problem, combined with another Minotaur manifestation.

-"I'm going to cast Ekim's Mystical Mask... stop laughing at me!!"
"I never thought we'd think back fondly at Ropework as being a competent wizard..."

-"Do not encourage the dutchmen! We have enough problems as it is!"

-"I'm going to cast Enlarge on Ack'basha... so he's a bigger target"

-"It is nice to have a non-Bill wizard around.."
"Yeah, it'll be great when we find one."
"Oh snap!"

-Moving deeper into the tower, the PCs start to realize it is full of twisted dimensional pockets and weird effects.  But nothing as weird as when they find a group of Water Weirds in a weird fountain.


-The Dutchmen are starting to think that this tower may be a bit too weird, even for them.

-As if the nearly-indestructible Water Weirds aren't bad enough, another minotaur pops in!

-Dutchmen are drowning in droves, and the rest of the party is freaking out. All except the fishman, who realizes that the Weirds are only able to do drowning damage, which he's immune to.

-Chu decides it's time to run away. Or rather, walk away, leaving the party to their doom.  But he changes his mind and comes back when he hears BOLT-0 is taking massive damage at the hands of the minotaur!
"What do you know? It turns out BOLT-0 is the one guy in the party I give a fuck about... I'm as shocked as anyone!"

-Zeke gets caught by a Water Weird, and is starting to drown!
Fishman: "Please.. oh please..."
But he escapes it's clutches! "Praise G.O.D.! He has saved me again!"
Fishman: "Son of a bitch!"


-Chu comes back, but too late! He arrives just in time to see BOLT-0 viciously struck down!

-The party finally kills the minotaur, and banishes the last of the water weirds, but are shocked to find that BOLT-0 appears to have been damaged beyond repair by the minotaur's attack.

-Suddenly, a light floods the room from the tower window, and the PCs hear the strange TARDIS-like sounds again.  The next thing they know, they are all (including Zeke and BOLT-0's robot-corpse, but not including the Dutchmen or Ack'basha's zombies) on board a strange high-tech ship, being greated by a small t-rex in a top hat!
"It's the Time Dinosaurs!"


-For reasons unknown (because the time dinosaurs can't speak Common, only make dinosaur noises) they are taking the entire group through time, and when the dinosaur time vessel emerges from the dinosaur time-stream, they find themselves in the middle of a titanic battle between an army of horrific monstrosities on one side, and guys in ultra-advanced power armor on the other.  The PCs realize that for whatever reason, the Time Dinosaurs have sent them back in time, to the era of the Pythian Knights!


And on that bombshell, we leave you for this session.  Stay tuned in a couple of weeks to find out what happens.


Currently Smoking: Masonic Meerschaum + Image Virginia

(june 17, 2016)
Title: DCC Campaign Log
Post by: RPGPundit on June 25, 2017, 01:19:44 AM
DCC Campaign Update: Unnecessarily Complicated Origin Stories

So, in our last adventure, the PCs had just been kidnapped by the Time Dinosaurs, who apparently took them back thousands of years to the early years of the great disaster, where they were observers of a catastrophic battle between the heroic (but asshole-ish) Pythian Knights and hordes of tentacled monstrosities in the service of the Dark Ones.

Oh, and BOLT-0 had been destroyed, and Bill the Elf was still frozen in carbonite.


-"You guys realize that this is a universe where the religious fundamentalist is the least shitty guy it the room?"

-"Outside the time-ship there are flying fortresses, mechas and power armored elves, fighting demons and giant monsters... it looks like something out of a Palladium setting!"

-Before sending them out on their mission, the Time Dinosaurs hold a church service. Apparently they're very religious, but in a Church of England kind of way (all fancy dressed and mumbling dinosaur hymns at a half-sleeping dinosaur vicar).

-The Time Dinosaurs try to explain to the PCs their extremely complex mission in this time period, but since they can't speak Common that proves very difficult.  Trying to play charades with their tiny arms is at best partially helpful.


-Eventually giving up on explaining any further, the Time Dinosaurs give the PCs a box with a big red button that the PCs figure is to teleport them back in an emergency, and dump them right in the middle of the demon-army/mecha-elf battlefield.


-"We've got to make a run for those fortresses!"
"Fishman, I want you to know, in case I don't make it.. I love you like a brother!"
"And I want you to know, Zeke... I would be so fucking happy if you died!"

-Evading missiles and arcane bolts, the PCs are heading toward what look like some kind of elven fortresses, but get intercepted by some ground troops using hover-tanks that transform into giant robots.
"of course they do... do they make the 'transformer' sound when they change?"


-"Where the hell did you come from?!"
"we have been sent by G.O.D. my friend.. well, by G.O.D. and Dinosaurs!"

-(in elven) "Don't move or we'll disintegrate you!"
"What are they saying?"
"Zeke, quick, run as fast as you can!!"

-Scriptural Archaeologist Zeke Bodean falls for the Fishman's trick and starts running.  The Mecha-tanks fire at him as he flees, but he manages to zag out of the way.
"Should we hunt him down and kill him, sir?"
"...please... please..."
"No, leave him. He can't possibly survive out there anyways"
"God damnit!!"

-The PCs learn they have been captured by the Badass Elves, a race of elves they've never heard of, who all look and act like cool anime elves with high-tech weapons and armor.

-"These two must be mutated humans. We'd heard of such things happening."
"Yes, we are"
"Kill them!"

-The PCs manage to convince the Badass Elves to momentarily not kill the non-humans of their party, and even have them accepting their story about being from the distant future.
"I mean look at them! They MUST come from some horrible future where there are no elves left to tell them what to do!"

-"Seriously, I think we should just kill those two; they can't possibly want to live like this"
"Yes we do!!"

-"We must take these prisoners to Sky Base 1"
"We're more guests than prisoners, really"
"No, you're prisoners."

-Sent up to the Pythian Elves' Sky Base 1, they meet Sir Constantine, the Tolkien-movie-like beardo-elf commander of the valiant but super-arrogant Pythian Knights.
"Can you give me one good reason why I should let these abominations live, human?"
"Well, it's really hard to find good help in the future!"

-"So in your future, have the elves all been wiped out?"
"No, there's still a few, but they're mostly assholes... so, much like today".

-"Sir, the Dwarven units on our left ground flank have been wiped out... by a Shoggoth!"
"We have nothing that can defeat it."
"...Have you got any drugs?"


-While the Pythian elves fight the Shoggoth, the 'abomination' Fishman and Chu are put in a holding cell.
"While we're in jail, have you got any games we can play?"
"What about Cards Against Humanity?"
"We're two mutants on trial for our lives as mutants. I don't think that playing Cards Against HUMANITY would really send the right message just now."
"No, no, you misheard, I meant Cards Against CHUmanity!"


-Meanwhile, Ack'Basha finds out that in the distant past, apparently people didn't know the logical way of ordering things, like by nose-size.

-He also finds out that the Hipster Elves don't exist yet, but there were 'Art Elves', who he suspects were their less lame ancestors.

-"You know, we're going to kill you, monsters!"
"Dude, you died long before we were even born!"
"Yeah, we win by default! Suck on that!"


-In spite of the modified weed-bomb actually driving away the Shoggoth (future Bob?) in a drug-filled haze, Sir Constantine decides that they're going to drop the "nova bomb" anyways, to wipe out as much of the Dark-One forces they can in order to buy time.  The Nova Bomb will disintegrate everything in a 1000 mile radius, turning the whole area into a "Dust Sea".  Sir Constantine explains that this will give them the room they need to complete construction of their great 'secret weapon': The Pythian Living Mecha, a 100ft tall artificial-intelligence war-machine robot that they hope will lay waste to the hordes of the Dark Ones.


-Sick of it all, especially the Elves, the PCs decide to press the Time Dinosaur box with a big red button, and they are instantly teleported back onto the Time Dinosaur vessel.  Even Zeke Bodean, who miraculous survived the battlefront by using his skills as a Scriptural Archeologist to find what he thinks is the silver cape of the prophet Jebodachiah, though in fact it's more likely a Pythian MDC Cloak.

-The time dinosaurs start flying through time again, and the Time Dinosaur captain starts giving them incomprehensible mission instructions again.
"WAIT! Do you not get that we don't understand a word you're saying? None of us speak Dinosaur! Let me cast Comprehend Languages.... aw fuck, I failed and can't cast it again for the day.."
"You had ONE job..."

-The PCs are dropped off some two thousand years after their last stop, which is still around eight thousand years in the past for them.  They find out that they're in the cold north, where there is a mighty (and likely losing) war looming between the minuscule forces of the human and mutant races, against the much larger demonic army of the Daemon Zzaszz, who threatens to conquer everything in his path.  They run into a band of adventurers, which includes a sexy human wizardess named Arkaea (with a cool staff that turns into a huge snake), a very much not yet dead (and possibly not yet a Chaos Lord) Borquist, a Science Elf named Fred, and a gruff greek-accented warrior named... Nikos. Nikos insists that he's a perfectly ordinary warrior and definitely not a wizard. Nikos is also very obviously bad at lying.

-The PCs figure that whatever the time dinosaurs sent them here for might have to do with Fred, who has a cart full of old science artifacts back at the camp.  In order to be allowed to join them, the PCs are required to pay Borquist a bribe.  The Fishman tries to fulfill this demand with the "Ancient Artifact" he carries on his person, but Fred thwarts that by using his science knowledge to point out that it's just a common drill.
"Well, a drill could kill someone!"
"Not good enough, mate."

-Ack'basha finally covers the bribe with a bag full of Smithplium pieces.
"What the fuck are these? What am I supposed to do with them?? They're bloody GREEN!"
"Trust me, they'll be worth a lot in a few thousand years."
"...I guess they'll do then"

-"Nikos is obviously THAT Nikos, right?"

-When the PCs get to the other party's camp, they find it under attack by a gang of feral halflings in the service of Zzaszz!  They've already murdered Pepito, the last member of Borquist's group, and are threatening the very cart of technological goodies the PCs think they're here to get to!
"Pepito! Nooo, not Pepito!"

-"You see? I am Nikos, totally a normal human warrior and obviously mortal!"

-"Wow, Chu is very good at pretending to be warrior! Nikos could learn thing or two from Chu!"

-The halflings being driven away, Borquist mourns Pepito's death by looting his corpse and robbing his sombrero.

-The PCs get into Fred's cart, and find that he has the brain of the Pythian Living Mecha.  It turns out that the Pythian Knights did end up building the mecha, and it was instrumental in turning the war around, until it was destroyed in the final apocalyptic battle between the Knights and the Shoggoth hordes.  The war ended in stalemate with both forces largely destroyed.

-It also turns out that Fred is building his own combat robot, which he's going to put the brain into, a war machine to fight Zzaszz, which he's naming Blastr-0.  He really has high hopes that he'll be able to use his invention to help make the world a better place.  The PCs generally agree that Fred is a hopelessly naive idiot and will probably die soon.


-That night, the PCs help the other party keep watch, while they wait for Fred to copy the schematics of the Living Mecha brain, which they assume is what the Time Dinosaurs sent them here to get.

-Chu inadvertently tells Nikos pretty much everything. Including how future Nikos set everyone up to enter the Crown of Creation and kidnap G.O.D.
"Really?  Nikos did this? It sound like really good idea! Nikos would never thought of that by himself, my friend!"
"oh fuck."

-Zeke Bodean gets up in the night and really wants to talk to Chu away from Nikos.
"I have to go to the bathroom. Chu, don't y'all think you want to go to the bathroom with me?"
"Sure, because it's totally not suspicious for two men to go to the bathroom together. In the future men do that all the time."
"That's right. We do that all the time... in a totally non-sinful way mind you!"

-Once they're alone, Zeke reveals that he "strongly suspects" Nikos might be THAT Nikos.
"Seriously? You brought me here for that??"

-Zeke also thinks "G.O.D. is acting through the Time Dinosaurs" to bring them to this place and kill Nikos before he gets to kidnap G.O.D. thousands of years from now.

-"Ack'basha is a cleric."
"Clerics are holy men"
"My heart wants to say that, but at the same time all my experiences of Ack'basha are making it pretty hard."

-"Friend, I believe in G.O.D., so I don't trust my mind very often!"

-Zeke decides to ignore the others' advice, and confronts Nikos publicly, but Nikos doesn't really give a crap and the other NPCs don't believe him anyway.

-The PCs are pretty sure this whole party is doomed in their upcoming battle with Zzaszz, but they can't convince any of its members to turn back.  So finally, they give up and press the button to send them back to the Time Dinosaurs.  The Dinosaurs then send them forward in time again.

-This time the Comprehend Languages spell goes off, but only right at the end of the explanation of the mission, and the Dinosaurs teleport them before the Fishman wizard can demand the Dinosaur repeat himself.

-They end up on a fairly desolate small floating island; still sometime in their distant past, but further into the future than their last two trips. There's a single solitary factory-building on the island, so they head over there and ring the doorbell.

-Through the intercom: "Hello? Who's out there?"
"My name's Chu, you may know me? I'm pretty important!"
"..Yes! I DO know you!!"
Cue the entire party almost fainting with shock at the first time ever in the campaign that anyone actually did know Chu.

-It turns out to not be as impressive an accomplishment as Chu would have hoped, because the voice on the other side of the intercom is Fred the Science Elf, several hundred years older than the last time they saw him, a few minutes ago!

-Fred tells them about how in their fight with Zzaszz, Borquist betrayed them all in exchange for gaining Immortality from the Lords of Chaos, Arkaea the wizardess got fused to her snake (turning into the Snake Witch), Nikos just fucked off, and Blastr-0 was destroyed, though not before injuring Zzaszz enough that his forces' effort to conquer the whole northern continent was halted.  Fred has since retired from the surface world, and has lived out a quiet existence on this floating island, still hoping to make a difference in the world but no longer optimistic about his chances.

-Fred has converted part of the abandoned elven factory into a lab, and he reveals to the PCs that he managed to rescue the artificial-brain of the Pythian Living Mecha; he has hopes to use it to construct another super-robot, but notes that it was altered by chaos energies in the epic battle with Zzaszz. It no longer functions in the same logical structure as a normal robot brain should, and he's reluctant to finish his super-robot until he can figure out a way to return the brain to its normal parameters.

-Suddenly, there's an earthquake as the whole island shudders; the PCs have to make reflex saving throws, and the fishman is nearly killed by a falling object. Ironically, it's a common drill.

-"Fortunately, Zeke Bodean manages to just barely dodge out of the way of an industrial buzzsaw!"
"Son of a bitch!!"

-The floating island is falling out of the sky!  From the observatory, Fred determines that it's being pulled down by an ancient tractor beam from the surface,  being manned by a group of feral halfling raiders, who appear to have been pulling this stunt for some time now.
"More fucking halflings?"

-Ack'basha uses divine aid to pull down a divine bolt of lightning to disintegrate the entire tractor beam (having rolled a critical)!  However, the island has lost too much altitude at that point and is still falling. To make things worse, while the PCs were outside summoning up the divine wrath, a landslide destroys the factory complex, with Fred the Science-Elf still inside.

-The PCs try to find Fred, hoping he's still alive; the Fishman reluctantly realizes that just maybe, Zeke's skill as a 'scriptural archeologist' might come in handy.
"I can't believe I'm saying this... Zeke, I need your help."
"My friend, I've been waiting a long time to hear that! I'll be happy to help you in any way I can, because I love you like a brother."
"I despise you with every fiber of my being."

-The PCs see something similar to an escape pod abandoning the island, it seems to be moving too fast to be for a human occupant, and theorize that Fred might have been trying to save the Living Mecha's artificial brain.

-Zeke somehow manages to find Fred, but he's buried under rubble, and clearly dead. But they find a message he left on a recording device, where he explains that he did indeed jettison the brain, to save it from destruction or from falling into the wrong hands. And he explains that to protect it, he put it inside the body... of a simple bolt-tightening robot!


-"Oh for fuck's sake! I lost 1 point of Intelligence for this??!"
"You're not the only one who suffered. I had to give away 33 smithplium pieces!"

-They return to the Time Dinosaurs, who are transporting them back to their own time. But the Fishman just has to know: it's obvious the Time Dinosaurs did all this to be able to repair Bolt-0, but why do they give a fuck?
The Time Dinosaur leads them to a museum-like room on their ship, a monument to the founder or great leader of the Time Dinosaurs in the distant future: Bolt-0!

-With a half-dozen or so of the mysteries of the campaign resolved in one fell session, the Time Dinosaurs drop off the PCs in the present.. but not where they picked them up.  Instead, they find themselves in front of a Minotaur Underwear Factory.

-"After all this, they didn't even drop Bolt-0 off with us! They took off with him!"
"Well, maybe they need time to fix him?"
"I KNOW! I KNOW! Just don't fucking question it!"


That's it for this section.  Next time:  will the PCs finally get to the bottom of what's causing the killer Minotaur attacks? Stay tuned!


Currently Smoking: Mastro de Paja Bent Billiard + Image Virginia

(June 25, 2016)
Title: DCC Campaign Log
Post by: RPGPundit on July 22, 2017, 12:41:00 AM
DCC Campaign Update: The Chicken is now Third-Most-Useful Member of This Party

As of the end of the previous session, the PCs had been teleported by the Time Dinosaurs to the outskirts of the Tholian Underwear Factory, the location that held the secrets to the insane random-minotaur-attacks they'd been suffering for some time now.

(the evil underwear factory)

The Factory itself is on the outskirts of Thelos, the capital city of Tholia, an empire ruled by Minotaurs. The PCs noted to their surprise that this was a fairly advanced civilization, with signs of an early-20th-century tech level.  They would soon learn that humans and other non-minotaurs were, at best, treated like second-class citizens, if not as outright slaves.


-"We're missing all our magic-users"
"Ack'basha's a cleric; that's like a magic user with extra judgmentalism!"

-Suddenly, the skies part and a beam of light descends. And teleporting in: a chicken!

-"Seriously, a chicken now?"

-The chicken turns out to be a magical Messenger Chicken:
"BCKAW! I come bearing a message for the mighty wizards!"
"which ones?"
"BCKAW! The one named Bill the Elf, and the Fishman wizard, and the one known as Ropework"
"So... 'mighty' is relative, huh?"

-The message is from the "High Council of Wizards" inviting the PC wizards to the 'grand conclave'... but none of the party's wizards are there to receive it.
"You're going to stay with us until you deliver the message?"
"I will have to - BCKAW"
"I'm already regretting it, you're very annoying!"
"I was created for this!"
"To be annoying?"
"NO! BCKAW! To deliver the message"

-"Maybe we should just eat him?"
"BCKAW!! I'll warn you - this chicken was created with defense mechanisms!"

-Just then, a vehicle is spotted coming up the hill.  The PCs note it is guarded by a minotaur and looks like it might be some kind of transport, or a prison truck.

-Ack'basha stands in the middle of the road, forcing the truck to stop, and after a very brief effort to pull off a bluff, the PCs just say 'screw it' and take out the Minotaur guard.

-Zeke Bodean is hit with a rifle shot, but miraculously survives!

-The truck has three prisoners on board: a human bandit, a human candy-maker, and a halfling marine.  It turns out they were all prisoners of the Tholian empire, being sent to the factory for reasons unknown (though they suspected it was for nothing good).

-The three newbie prisoners are assumed to be new party members, as everyone knows cannon fodder comes in threes.
"Join us! Together, we will save the world many times, usually after fucking it up in the first place!"

-The prisoners do know that the factory is run by a mutant wizard who is part of the Minotaur emperor's trusted inner circle, a magic-user by the name of Pertinax. The PCs suppose he's the one behind the random minotaur attacks they've been suffering all this time.

-the chicken confirms that Pertinax had also been invited to the Grand Conclave.
"So he's powerful?"
"I wouldn't say that proves anything; remember, the chicken said they invited Ropework too"

-Ack'basha has a plan that involves Animating the dead minotaur to help them sneak past the factory gate. Slight problem: the minotaur has multiple wounds, was set on fire, and fell down a 70ft drop.
"He doesn't look very good."
"Well, If someone asks, we tell them he got a bit scuffed fixing the truck!"
"He's charred to a husk!"
"Aw, fuck it, let's do it anyway."

-The gate is only manned remotely via intercom, which means that their insanely stupid plan looks like it might even work, only as they approach a foreman at the loading dock sees them and immediately realizes something is horribly wrong.

-The PCs block the gate with the truck and then run through the lobby of the Tholian Underwear Factory. The lobby has plush carpeting, bright garish colors, and features walls lined with posters of Minotaur underwear-models.


-"Don't move! This Halfling is a BOMB!"
(incredibly, that actually works; mostly because the way Halflings are in this campaign, it's certainly believable that they'd be suicide bombers)

-When they get past the front lobby and into the showroom, the Minotaur security guards are less credulous.
"That Minotaur is shooting at Chu!"
"NO. No! We're done with that! No more of the "Chu" puns!"


-the Candy-man takes a bullet and falls to the ground, his bag of candy breaking open and spilling all over, slowly mingling with his blood in a scene reminiscent of a tragic French art film.
"he's a pinata!"
"you had to ruin the moment..."
"eww, it's all sticky!"

-Ack'Basha creates an area of magical Darkness between them and the Minotaur security guards. The PCs can't see them, but they can hear the following:
"What do we do?"
"Bob, Jim, you guys run through!"
"You bet, it's my third day on the job and I'm ready for anything!"
"Yeah, and nothing is going to happen to me because I'm only two days from retirement!"


-Some of the PCs burst through into the administration area, where a terrified Minotaur secretary screams at their arrival.
"Don't be alarmed, miss! We mean you no harm!....well, I mean you no harm. This guy here might mean you harm. And there's a couple of us back there killing some security guards that will definitely mean you harm when they get here!"

-The PCs move on to another room, a huge room full of cubicles manned by a couple of dozen minotaurs in suits and ties.
"oh shit! It's the Human Jihad, bros!"

-"Stop being so intolerant at us! Humans are peace-loving!"
"Dude, we've already killed dozens of minotaurs.."

-The PCs run for it, taking the minotaur secretary as a hostage.
"Please don't kill me please! I have a cat!!"

-"BCKAW! My innate magic chicken-sense tells me that the Wizard is this way!"

-"Chicken, which way now??"
"For fuck's sake, this is what we've been reduced to... we're following a magic chicken."


-"Please please I don't want to die! I need to know how all my favorite TV shows end!!"
"These minotaurs have a very advanced civilization!"


-The wizard Pertinax turns out to be the first truly competent wizard-villain the PCs have ever faced. When they get to the board room where he was hiding, he's already magically camouflaged and proceeds to Magic Missile the living fuck out of the entire party.

-Everyone in the party is dropped to negative HP, except Zeke Bodean who is only knocked unconscious, again.  Incredibly, every single party member manages to make their luck check to avoid death.

-The PCs wake up, stripped of their items, chained up to a wall (Ack'basha is also gagged for good measure), and the wizard Pertinax proceeds to mockingly explain his overly complex ritual to attain immortality. He confirms, proudly, that he had been enchanting some of the Minotaur underwear produced at the factory and this was how the Minotaurs were being randomly teleported to the PCs, and geased to violently attack them. All with the idea that the PCs would slay these minotaurs, making them a sacrifice to gradually empower his rite. If the PCs ended up slaying 1000 of the minotaurs, the ritual would be complete and he would attain immortality!
"That... that's so fucking retarded!"

-"But now, I must decide what to do with you... if I let you go, you will seek revenge. But if I kill you, then Bill the Elf might come seeking to avenge your deaths."
(cue wails of BWAH HAH HAH HAH laughter from all the players)

-Initially, Pertinax decides to just kill the PCs. But then his Minotaur Vice-President of Operations, Winston Minotaur, suggests that Pertinax could still get at least a few more Minotaur-sacrifices off of them by setting them up in "some kind of Thunderdome situation".

-"Once I achieve Immortality, I will overthrow the Minotaur Emperor, end his peaceful policies and once more Minotaurkind will rampage over the lesser races!"
"So wait, you're rebels against the Emperor?"
"No, the rebels are the lesser races trying to overthrow the Emperor. We're reactionaries!"

-"My friend, my skills as a Scriptural Archeologist might be of use to you if you don't kill me."
"Trust me, they're not."

-"Maybe we could be of use to your Daemon patron?"
"The Daemon of Blood and Fire does not waste his time on proles!"
"What does he waste his time on?"
"Blood! And fire!"

-Just when things are looking grim, someone sabotages the underwear pressure sterilizer!
"It's the magic chicken! He's fucking rescuing us!!"
"Yeah, and look, he found a little Rambo-headband somewhere!"


-With the factory in chaos, the PCs get freed by the chicken and start to flee.
"You guys realize that the chicken is now the third-most useful member of this party, right?"
"Yeah, it's pretty sad."
"Hey, be grateful, that chicken saved your worthless lives!"

-Having managed to escape the factory before it explodes, the PCs realize that Pertinax almost certainly escaped.  Having found some material they think will reveal his treasonous plans, they decide to make their way through the hills toward the capital city, in the hopes of revealing all this to the Emperor himself. Not so much because its the good-guy thing to do, as because they really don't have any way to get out of here until they find their missing wizards.

That's it for today, stay tuned next time for more crazy DCC adventuring!


Currently Smoking: Masonic Meerschaum + Solani Aged Burley Flake

(28 July, 2016)
Title: DCC Campaign Log
Post by: RPGPundit on July 25, 2017, 11:29:14 PM
You Know Your DCC Players Are REALLY Into Your Game When...
My players spend considerable amount of their time between DCC sessions, talking about their DCC sessions.

We have a little Facebook group, which was intended to serve as just a way to warn me or each other if someone couldn't come or would be late, or we had to change the starting time, or practical things like that.
But as the DCC campaign became more intense, and more insane, it became a place to talk about the DCC game.

So here is an archive of the the conversations in the last little while. Names have been changed to protect the incredibly guilty.  Enjoy!

Lets try to finish the quest so I can get my patron :'(

I'll be curious to see who you get.

The king of Elfland!

Lord of Flesh, Obviously.
Or Alan Moore.



15 more xp to lvl 7 ??

No man should have that much power!

Said no man ever
Akbasha is almost 5 too
4 or 5?


Akbasha y Bill genocidas extraordinair

it is at this point we abandon any semblance of being anything else than an evil party.
I mean, I don't know who we were trying to deceive.
But ourselves.
And not even that, in Ackbasha's case.
The only thing left is Ackbasha saying "I am become Death, the world-fucker"


Hey guys, I can't make it this Sunday, got to take my brother to the airport, and it fall right in the middle of the afternoon

That sucks. Bill is the heart of the party. And by heart I mean balls.
But not in a "courage-y" way.

And by balls you mean asshole

No, that's Ack'Basha.
And by Asshole I mean brains.
But mostly asshole.
But on the subject. If (Bill) can't make it, it might be a good idea to skip this one and wait for the next to resume. Still, my opinion, I'll do whatever the DM decides. The DM that is overworked, and would really benefit of a free day...

Are you a DM union rep?

Let's just say I'm familiar with the plight of the DM.
We have been opressed for too long!

I am ok with not doing it next time because, Right now Bill is our compass, Not our moral compass because that was lost long ago, but an actual compass to the place we were going to go.

In the end we really needed looshas arcane might

How many died?

Not enough
Considering the scriptural archeologist is alive

One level 0, but we got our asses kicked

If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself, then.

At one point, EVERYONE in the group had to do a luck check to survive, except Zeke.  Zeke twice took exactly enough damage to leave him unconscious.


My hate for him burns with the strength of a hundred suns.


I've spent the last day thinking how to get out of this mess, still no good plan
Not that the one before was anywhere close to genius

I think this is the first time you think about a plan before being in it

Done it before, you can appreciate the failures
And if previous results are any indication of the infinite possibilities, then everyone is probably dead

Jump off the building
What could possibly go wrong?

If you take into account that Nikos might always be watching

He isn't watching, he is probably still trying to force the command crew ancient into committing a G.O.D related mistake. Classic Nikos.

We have to pray for a miracle. And by we I mean the asshole who put us in this situation. Ack'basha.

You misspelled Bill

Do you know his name

Don't worry, the Fish-man will come with something

Fishman might thing of a way out.

The fishman hates you all and hopes you die suffering.

Ah, Classic Fishman.

Bill is your friend, he knows your name

Which is....


Wait, he has a name?!

Wasn't it Gandolfo?

1) It was Gadolfo.
2) No.

Gandolfo is a boatswine
Bill has a shit plan that might work

Yes. Fishman the fisherman fishman.

Now good night

Yeah, you better run!

Bill knows your name
He is your friend

He is nobody's friend
Well. Bob's. As dangerous and adict as Bill.

And Nikos
In a strange way

I REALLY wouldn't count on that.

By "this mess", you mean Bill having betrayed the whole party's location?

That's a regular thursday for Bill.

Don't blame Bill for this mess. Frankly it's our fault.
We should have taken into account that Bill would fuck up everything and acted accordingly.

I did
that's why Akbasha allowed him to do it.

Like move to another secure location instead of waiting there.
But you WANTED for him to fuck everything up.
It doesn't count.

I just let him be.

So what you're saying it that everything is your fault?
I agree.

Yes, but in a simpsons kind of way. "It's your fault for not being here to stop me from being an idiot"


Los simpsons El coco esta en la casa

You read my mind.
So we all are on the same page then? All this is Ack'basha's fault?
The citizens of Minotauria clearly think so.

There is no minotauria!!

Of course there is.
it's in our hearts.

At least I get to talk to Pertinax

I can't wait to see how you screw that up

Can't be worst that the time I killed the last ancient

Those were simpler times.

I am still thinking the 'avoid the dungeons' policy has somehow blew on our face and will end with us precisely in a dungeon

That is was the plan
Bill though otherwise.

We are overthinking this. We'll probably massacre the minotaur swat team and be done with it.

Oh yeah
You mean, I will massacre the minotaur swat team with my working hand.

And by we, I mean Ack'basha and Chu.
So, yeah.

I will have a serious talk with Pertinax and this will be solved
Said no Bill ever

Sezerkan's gonna be SO pissed.

He always is
Good thing I rolled max when I did the patron bond

And that explains EVERYTHING.

Well, that means you have a good chance of doing that again.

Bill was still in the galley for 6 months
The true problem is that Bill, for some strange reason, keeps on sparing Akbasha's life

That's not a problem Ack'basha has.
Unfortunately, it doesn't work.

And that's the reason why Akbasha spares Bill's life. It just doesn't work... yet.

So you say it's some kind of unconscious  survival safety

there is nothing unconscious about Akbasha.

Except when he's unconscious.

God thing Bill has -1 intelligence

Bill just doesn't appreciate how much Ackbasha has done for him. He was willing to add "recover Bill's philactery" as a side quest in his now abandoned crusade.

Or it could just be to control him

Nah, he doesn't need the philactery for that.

Whoever has the philactery controls Bill

It doesn't seems to be doing Sezerkhan any good.
Bill cannot be controled.

Eh you call what is happening right now as control by sezrekan, Bills gut instict controls bill

Not even by himself.

He always says that, but he loves Bill like a crappy cat

You keep pushing, and he might end up putting the cat to sleep.
This quest for the Librum has the flavor of an ultimatum.

Sez tells me not to make it about killing Ackbasha then sends me out with him to get a book he know Ackbasha is going to try to stop me from getting
I guess Bill geta the scheming skills from Sez

Or lack of.

Tamato tomato

That's it for today.  The last bit above is also a little preview of the shit that went down in our last DCC adventure. There'll be a campaign update for that shortly.


Currently Smoking:  Lorenzetti Volcano + H&H's Chestnut

(August 3, 2016)
Title: DCC Campaign Log
Post by: RPGPundit on July 29, 2017, 12:18:53 AM
DCC Campaign Update: It's The Human People's Front!

In this week's session, the PCs started out lost in the woods outside of Thelos, the Tholian empire's capital.  First, we had to deal with a new player, and a couple of players who'd missed the last pair of sessions getting back into the game.


-The new 0-levels are a Human collaborator (formerly serving the Minotaur ruling class of Tholia), a Dwarven Hoarder, and a Boat Swine.


-"Prioritizing the order of how much you want your 0-levels to survive is a weird game of fuck/marry/kill"
"Look at the poor fishman, he's almost level 2 and he's only got a ragged pair of trousers. He's led a rough life!"

-"The fucking 0-level hoarder got to start with more stuff than me!"

-"so one of your guys is a human collaborator... is he French?"
"not necessarily!"
"Dude, his equipment includes a 'huge bag of wine'!"

-"Bill the Elf can take many forms!"
"I'm like Jesus."
"No... that's what they say about the devil."

-"The thing you have to understand about the Fishman is that he's self-aware. One of a few people we've seen in this world who realize that they're actually just characters in an RPG"

-"My collaborator wants to collaborate with this Fishman."

-"Stop Chill Touching yourself!"
"If I keep having chill-touch misfires, will I go blind?"

-"in the first ten minutes of the game you lost two of your spells for the rest of the day, trying to cast them at a rock."

-"The last thing you remember was being on a cart with a bunch of dutchmen, heading toward Yeti Country. You stopped to take a piss, heard a TARDIS noise, and then everything went blank."
"How many times has that happened, huh?"

-The Dwarven Hoarder has a cow, and a ten-foot-pole. The Pole's name is Wojtek, and he takes care of the cow.

-The Magic Chicken detects the nearby presence of Bill the Elf, and also the Fish-man who's name escapes him.
"I have a name! Why doesn't anyone ever remember my name?? I'm more than just 'the fishman'!!"

-unfortunately, as the chicken rushes toward Bill to give his message, he passes Bill's "Sequester" barrier and explodes.

-"You blew up the chicken!!"
"Well, it looked quite menacing."

-"Loscha, I'm so glad to see you again!"
"You called me Loscha!"
"Oh, I'm sorry.. fishman! I'm so glad to see you again!"
"God damnit!"

-"So, now that we're all back together again, can we go get the Libram of the Ten Spheres?"
"Oh, you'd like that wouldn't you?"

-The PCs that toilet humor does not translate well into Minotaur culture.

-To prevent Bill from getting the Libram of the Ten Spheres, Ack'Basha betrays him by sending a covert message to the Azure Wizards while Bill is in a Sezrekhan-induced trance.

-Suddenly, a minotaur comes out of nowhere and attacks! This confirms that while the underwear factory has been destroyed, any minotaurs who still have the cursed underwear will continue to appear to attack them.


-"Zeke accidentally shoots Chu!"
"Chu got shot!"
"I thought we were done with this!"

-"Chu, it's Chure turn"
"No, that's going too far."

-The Minotaur slain, the fishman wants to eat him; but Ack'basha foils him by raising the minotaur-corpse as a zombie.


-"Are we just going to keep going and leave Bill in his trance in the forest??"
"I'm sure Bill can take care of himself."
"It's the forest I'm worried for!"

-"Bill really wants to get the Libram; Sezrekhan has cursed him with a geas that's going to get worse if he doesn't."
"And what do we do if he decides he doesn't want to see the Minotaur Emperor with us? I mean... he is our ride.."


-Ack'basha and Bill make an agreement, where Bill will help the party to expose Pertinax as a reactionary plotting against the Minotaur emperor, and then the whole party will immediately go with Bill to get the Libram.  Since they don't trust each other even a tiny bit, they draw up a contract. The Dwarf Hoarder acts as the notary.

-The deal has to specify that Ack'basha will not try to kill Bill.

-They accord to deal with the Minotaur problem first, possibly by genocide.  Bill especially favors the genocide option.

-"The Dwarf can manage our contract; dwarves are very good at contract law!"
"That's racist!"

-"so, basically, the next time Bill and Ack'basha try to take each other out, they're going to need lawyers?"

-"Remember the last time we tried to split up the party? Bill's group all died!"
"So did all of yours, Ack'basha."

-"Any time Ack'basha or anyone kills Bill, he comes back in a new body. He's had like five already."
"He's the closest thing this setting has to a fucking Time Lord!"

-That night, the party is attacked by six giant forest owls! They swoop in, swiftly killing both the cow and the Pole!


-They also drop the Dwarf and the (new) Boatswine very quickly
"Oh no! The owls have possibly killed the two people directly responsible for ruining my life!"

-Bill the Elf tries out his new spell, magic missile; unfortunately, it comes with a mercurial effect, causing him to slip into the ethereal plane for 1d6+1 rounds every time he casts it. While there, he's invisible and intangible, but also cannot affect anything in the material world.
"So, he's in the Neutral Zone?"

-The owls drop over half the party; ironically, only the human collaborator ends up dying (plus the cow, and the Pole).  The Dwarf and Boatswine who ruined the collaborator's life survived.  Zeke Bodean, as usual, was untouched.
"The Lord has protected me once again!"
"Fuck's sake!"

-The next morning the PCs carry on through the forest, but they run into an ambush from a group of rebels. Luckily, Morris the bandit was part of a rebel group, though  not this one.
"Which ones are you?"
"We're the Campaign for a Free Humanity!"
"Oh. I was in the People's Front for Humanity"
"Well, I guess that's alright. As long as you're not part of the fucking Human People's Front!"


-"Wait, you're the rebel group who destroyed the Underwear Factory?"
"Yes! And now we have to destroy the remaining underwear supplies!"

-The various rebel groups have serious ideological differences, but they're all united in two things: hating the Minotaur oppressors, and despising the Human People's Front.

-The Campaign for a Free Humanity help the PCs get to the capital, ruining Ack'basha's plan to keep delaying in order to buy time for the notoriously indecisive Azure Wizards to get to the Libram before Bill.
They also have a plan to help the PCs get to the Emperor's palace, but then on (apparently ill-thought-out) divine advice from G.O.D., Ack'basha decides that it's better to try to walk up to the front gate.
When they're almost in front of the heavily-guarded palace, there's a flash of light and an enraged Minotaur appears and starts to attack them. They're forced to murder the Minotaur, in front of the elite palace guard.
"Cheese it!!"

-The party flees through the narrow Old-City streets, and Ack'basha is forced to release his Minotaur and Polack Zombies in order to cause a distraction for them to get to a safehouse.

-In the safehouse, the gang tries to plan their next move.
"Dude, I'll just teleport onto the roof of the palace and throw a bunch of grenades all over the place!"
"This is how we know when a plan has gone completely to shit:
step 1- teleport
step 2- 'throw a bunch of grenades'
step 3- ?
step 4- Profit!"


-The group decides momentarily to say 'fuck it', and take off in pursuit of the Libram (against the virulent protests and accusations of contract-breaking coming from Ack'basha).  They all cram into the safehouse's tiny bathroom to teleport away. But once there, they keep debating until Ack'basha somehow manages to convince them that they must deal with this Minotaur situation first.

-The Minotaur Civil Police raid the safehouse. The PCs are hiding in the secret attic again, and they aren't detected, but the whole situation allows for some Life-of-Brian-based humor.


-It gets out in the news that everyone is looking for Ack'basha, who has been identified as having joined the anti-Minotaur resistance.

-Spending the night hiding in the attic, Ack'basha schemes to betray Bill. Chu schemes to betray Ack'Basha. The Fishman fumes that after ages in the party no one knows his real name. The newbies question whether they've made a terrible life choice in joining this party. Bill finally decides that he's just going to walk up to the police and ask to speak to Pertinax.

-"If you're really going to go do this, however you do it, just don't tell them you're Bill the Elf!"
"Yes, I too would not recommend that."
"That's actually good advice as a rule in general."

-Bill leaves the safehouse and almost immediately runs into police. He surprises everyone by not immediately blurting out that he's Bill the Elf. Instead, he makes up the worst fake-story in the world, claiming that he's a "traveler" from "far away", that just happened to end up in the old town without papers during a state of martial law.

-Bill is immediately thrown into a holding pen with a bunch of dissidents.

-"I need to see Pertinax"
"yeah, sure. Look, you'll get your turn being interrogated"
"Can I be interrogated first??"
"are you mental?!"

-"So you're saying that you just happened to get on the same bus as Ack'basha?"
"Yes, and some Fishmen were there with him"
"Did you overhear the names of any of these fishmen?"
"One of them I think was called Gadolfo"
Fishman's player: "SON OF A BITCH!"
Gadolfo's Player: "Gadolfo isn't a fishman, he's a boat-swine!"
Bill: "Sorry, gadolfo!"
Fishman: "He's been here ONE session and everyone knows his name?!"

-The Minotaur interrogator/torturer doesn't believe Bill's story about being an innocent witness. He shows bill the instruments of torture.  Bill immediately betrays the location of the entire party.

-BOOM! Suddenly, there's an explosion in the Minotaur police precinct!
"Sir, we're under attack!"
"Is it Ack'basha??"
"Worse! It's the Human People's Front!"
"It's their suicide squad!"


-Bill takes advantage of situation to flee, taking a human democratic student dissident with him.

-Back in the attic, the rest of the PCs can hear the explosions in the distance.
"That's Bill."
"Think he's accomplished anything?"
"Me neither."


-A Minotaur Police SWAT team raids the safehouse; the PCs hope they won't be detected, but suddenly, there's a flash of light and an enraged Minotaur in a clown costume is in the attic with them, attacking.

-Bill is hiding near the safehouse, trying to decide if he can, and if he should bother, trying to save the rest of the party. He tries to cast a cantrip distraction, and his 'student activist' friend pulls a gun on him.
"Ohhh, you work for the Minotaurs! You're an undercover agent!"
"That's right, and you're under arrest!"
"OK. You should know though... I'm Bill the Elf."
"...I.. what are you going to do?"
"I'm going to surrender! Take me to Pertinax!"

-The rest of the party managed to kill the Minotaur clown, but now the SWAT team of highly trained heavily-armed Minotaur Police are right inside the house, with seemingly no escape.

And on that bombshell, we ended the session!  Stay tuned next time for more exciting DCC adventures!


Currently Smoking: Ashton Old Church Rhodesian + C&D's Crowley's Best
Title: DCC Campaign Log
Post by: RPGPundit on July 30, 2017, 04:20:49 AM
DCC Campaign Update: He'll Be Remembered, But Not Missed

When last we left our totally anti-heroes, they well up shit creek.  Bill the Elf had revealed the rest of the party's hideout to the Minotaur SWAT team, and he had then turned himself in to a human collaborator, revealing his real identity and demanding that he be taken to the wizard Pertinax (the crazy wizard who was responsible for the teleporting of random minotaurs to attack the party; which he'd achieved through the production of cursed minotaur-underwear, in order to attain immortality).


-Bill gets handed over to the Minotaur Police, who quickly shackle him up, gag him and put a bag over his head. Soon he's doing the "Guantanamo shuffle" into a van, hoping it will take him to Pertinax.


-The PCs in the attic of the hideout are about to be raided by the SWAT; they come up with a plan to send their new Clown-Minotaur Zombie down, holding a grenade. Unfortunately, Minotaur Zombies aren't very good at holding live grenades, and he drops it right over the trap door, blowing himself to bits and alerting the SWAT to the PCs' presence.

-"Captain, there's a secret door!"
"It's more like a secret hole now, asswipes!"

-"Fuck all you guys, I'm casting Ekim's Mystical Mask!"
"Maybe one of the results is that it protects you from gas grenades?"
"It doesn't, because that would actually be useful"

-The PCs decide to try to break down a wall and climb their way out of the attic; unfortunately, when Chu tries to kick the wall, he does no damage and falls flat on his back.
"Great, we're going to be defeated by a wall."

-The Fishman had cast enlarge and spider-climb, and when the Minotaur SWAT team burst in he skitters up to the roof.
"What the fuck is that?"
"Some kind of wall-crawling fish-man!"

-"the captain is the largest minotaur you've ever seen. He's like the Dolph Lundgren of Minotaurs"


-"Chu can break the wall!"
"No Chu can't"

-"I'm 25% taller now, can I reach the window?"
"No, even 25% taller, Chu is still under 8' tall"

-"What did you roll on the deed die?"
"I rolled a Chu."
"NO! We're not taking it that far."

-The Minotaur SWAT are rushing in!
"Chu goes into a fetal position on the floor"

-One of the Minotaurs pumps of a burst of gunfire into Ack'basha, and he's down!
"I did it! I killed Ack'basha the terrorist! Tholia, Fuck Yeah!!"

-Zeke rushes at the Minotaur by the cracked wall, and both fall through it. Miraculously, the Minotaur breaks Zeke's fall!

-The Fishman, who was still on the roof, scuttles out the same hole to escape!
"I'll follow Zeke; I can either kill him or we can.."
"What?? Save us all with you and Zeke both at 1hp and your Ekim's Mystical Mask?"
"fuck you!"

-Chu decides that he might as well give it a shot too, so he jumps out the hole in the wall under heavy gunfire. He too breaks his fall on a minotaur corpse, and gets away, catching up to the other two when the weaklings are frantically trying to lift a manhole cover to get into the sewers.

-Dolph Lundgren Minotaur is a Minotaur of duty; he was told to assassinate Ack'basha but he has his doubts about the reasoning for his orders.
"He's a good guy, but a terrible actor!"

-The matter is irrelevant, however. Ack'basha fails his luck roll. The cleric is dead!

-"Bill the elf feels a great disturbance in the force... he gets hard!"

-"Ack'basha died like he lived.. trying to kill a minotaur."

-Ack'basha's player gives him a 'viking funeral':


-The other PCs (and Zeke) are not yet aware that Ack'basha has died. All except the fishman, mind you, who has broken the 4th wall.
"We're saved by G.O.D.'s grace! I'm sure Ack'basha is fine too, as he's G.O.D.'s chosen servant!"
"Dude, I can hear Ack'basha's player rolling dice for his new zero-levels. I'm telling you he's dead!"

-Eulogies for Ack'basha:
Chu: "He was a real fucker."
Fishman: "he'll be remembered, but not missed."
Bill: "He's now in the Holiest Sanctuary of all!"

Ack'basha, a self-portrait made by his player:


-"It's sad that Ack'basha died, by I really thought for a bit that everyone was going to die, except Bill."
"So it would have been a Total Party Bill?"

-The surviving non-Bill PCs are making their way through the sewers, when they run into a trio of newbies: a human food taster for the Minotaur Royal Family, a Halfling Marine who fled the palace with the food taster, and a human alcoholic they ran into in the sewers.
Ack'basha's player is looking over his three new 0-levels trying to decide what class they could eventually play: "In theory, they could all be clerics, but I really don't want to play another cleric right away."
"Remember, the Halfling can't be a Cleric"
"Yeah, halflings have no god, and no god wants them!"

-"It's three new guys: that means either Bill or Ack'basha are dead!"

-"Can you heroes help us get out of here?"
"My friend, we can't help anyone!"

-Meanwhile, Bill the Elf is inside the palace and finally meets face-to-face with Pertinax the wizard.


-"So, some of your friends have escaped, but Ack'basha the cleric is dead!"
"Really? Thank you!"

-"I'm supposed to believe you have no intention of avenging Ack'Basha's death?!"
"He killed me twice! Trust me, I'm OK with it!"

-"Alright then, what do you want??"
"Huh. That's a good question... I usually just wanted the opposite of whatever Ack'Basha wanted. But now... my life has no purpose!"

-When Bill enthusiastically offers to commit genocide on the Minotaur race if that's what Pertinax wants, Pertinax starts to get the uncomfortable sensation that of the two of them, he might actually be the 'good guy', at least compared to Bill.

-"So do you Minotaurs have any weaknesses?"
"No, we have no weaknesses!"

-"So what's the Alcoholic's INT?"
"So he's not even a smart drunk!"
"he's still smarter than Bill!"

-The food taster snuck back into the palace, and found out that Pertinax, having apparently cut some kind of deal, has let Bill go.
"So the plan is, you newbies will go out on the city streets looking for Bill"
"Oh, and remember, he doesn't actually look like an Elf; he looks like a glowing mutant-human"
"So, he's called Bill the Elf but he doesn't look anything like an Elf?"
"Bill's a Trans-Elf! You have to respect his pronouns!"

-When they finally find Bill, they learn that his deal with Pertinax was basically that Bill agreed to keep slaying the cursed minotaurs as they appeared, to help him reach immortality. And that he and the PCs would leave Tholia, never to return. So, with Ack'basha confirmed dead, the rest of the party promptly teleports away to return to the tower that holds the Libram of Ten Spheres, to get rid of Bill's geas.

-"So wait, there's still going to be minotaur attacks?"
"So we've accomplished nothing?"
"As usual, yes."


-The PCs arrive back in the Badlands, but decide to rest up so that they can recover much needed hp and spellburnt attributes.
"Man, NOW I'm starting to miss Ack'basha... well, his healing magic, anyways."

-No sooner do the PCs start to rest, that a Minotaur attacks! Chu gets KOed, the Fishman chickens out, Bill fires a magic-missile and phases out to the ethereal plane, and Zeke can't hit the broad-side of a barn. But the Newbies incredibly turn out to be the heroes: the alcoholic and the halfling in particular kick the shit out of the minotaur for everyone.
"Holy fuck, that alcoholic is a Drunken Master!"


-Realizing that they need to hunker down and have some protection against random Minotaur attacks, they move over to the tower, and camp out by its wall, with a Sequester spell for protection.

-"The alcoholic is out of booze!"
"That's OK, being an alcoholic is not a state, it's a way of life."

-Some kobolds show up, and the PCs make short work of them.  The halfling is starting to scare everyone; freed from the discipline of being part of the Minotaur Emperor's guard, he's quickly going back to  his feral state. He eats a kobold corpse, starts wearing hide-armor, and putting a kobold skull on his head as a cap.


-A minotaur teleports in, but promptly falls into a pit trap!
"It turns out minotaurs aren't very good at climbing!"
"So they DO have a weakness! That other minotaur lied to me!"

-The halfling gleefully throws kobold corpses into the pit to annoy the minotaur, until the other PCs mercy-kill it.

-While the PCs are recovering, the Fishman finishes his studies and has now learned Patron Bond!
"Great! Now you can randomly end up stuck with the King of Elfland as a patron!"

-Some more kobolds attack, and when they fail, they send a band of ogres.  The party kicks the shit out of them too. The halfling takes to making himself a necklace of ogre-teeth.
"This halfling is seriously starting to freak the shit out of me!"

-"Raf was my halfling slave-name! From now on, I want to be known Ref!!"

-Fully recovered, the PCs decide to head into the tower. As the newbies level-up, the halfling decides to join the party in the tower, while the other two stay outside to stand guard (and no doubt bugger off, unless the halfling dies).

-"Ack'basha was bound to die, I just didn't know it wouldn't get to be Bill who did it"
"You did rat them out, so in a way you did it by proxy."
"Hey, I saved your life once too! Remember that time when you were unconscious and I just shook you awake instead of offing you?"
"So not having killed me counts as 'saving' me?"
"Bill saved you from himself!"
"If only someone could save Bill from himself!"

Well, that's it for this session!  Stay tuned next time when the party, sans Ack'basha but plus one really deranged Halfling, ventures back into the blue tower to seek out the Libram of the Ten Spheres!


Currently Smoking: Lorenzetti Poker + Solani Aged Burley Flake

(August 20, 2016)
Title: DCC Campaign Log
Post by: RPGPundit on August 31, 2017, 03:40:59 AM
DCC Campaign: More From Backstage

So, today, I give you another transcript of backstage talk amongst my DCC group's ongoing discussion thread.  The comments are funny enough and the last post popular enough I decided to do this again. But this might be the last time, since I don't want my players to start hamming it up for the camera, as it were.


Chu: Eh, that is disputable.

Bill: I guess this sums up Akbasha and Bill's relation

Fishman: I wish they'd just get on with it and fuck.
No, wait, I'm not playing that character anymore.

Newbie: Hey guys, I have caught the flu so I won't likely show up next Sunday unless I get any better. So good luck with the minoswats

Chu: That is going to become a thing, They are minoswats now.
Eitherway. Get better soon.

Newbie: Thank you!

Bill: Noooooo!

Pundit: Well, better you don't get us sick. Just hope this is a real flu and not that you got scared off!

Newbie: Not at all. I did had a lot of fun with you guys, so I hope to be back next time!

Fishman: We'll try harder next time then.

Pundit: Ok, good!

Morris: Hey guys I'll be there a bit late today. Stay alive, please.

Chu: An old boatswine saying "If we kill them, they lose" so they are totally going to lose if we die.

Bill: ETA?

Morris: I thought that it would take me less time, now I need to stay. Sorry, I won't be able to go today. I wish I had been able to tell you before.


Pundit: Well, I hope you're happy. You murdered Ack'basha. Of course, Bill's pretty happy.

Ack'Basha/Ref: everytime you skip a session, an Ack'basha dies.

Fishman: A great evil has been defeated.
Unfortunately, it has given birth to a little evil.
Now, with Ack'basha's demise, we as a party, are we going to become more evil, or LESS?
I'd wish there'd be more of a change so we could find out.
I think there's an extra 'd in my last comment.

Ack'basha/Ref: the only way for the party to be less evil at this point, is a total party kill, and that's not something sure either.
specially with bill coming back.

Fishman: There's no TPK like a Bill TPK, because a Bill TPK is not complete unless Sezerkhan wishes so.

Pundit: "Little evil" is literal in this case, what with the halfling.


Bill: Looks like Akbasha.

Chu: Pictured: Akbasha about to commit holy genocide , Circa last Tuesday.

Ack'Basha/Ref: Surrounded by his hippies.

Bill: That looks about right.
Too bad you are missing the staff.

Fishman: Love the detail of the programs running on the tablet.

Morris: What the fuck I just missed?

Bill: About 30 xp and also Akbasha died.
A drunken Master.
A bland food taster.

Fishman: And the Tasmanian devil.

Bill: And a freak halfling.
Sure you don't want to call it Taz?
Primal Taz.
Anyways, now we are inside the tower.

Chu: That is what happens when you don't get your priorities straight.

Bill: Which are?

Chu: Getting 30 xp ; ^ )

Bill: Ha!
It's all the rogue's fault.

Fishman: ....what happened with those guys?

Chu: Something.

Bill: They probably fell through the darkness and are now arriving at the tower doorsteps.

Chu: They probably became underwear testing puppets (fate worse than death).

Bill: True.
That's a good way to teleport at our location.

Fishman: We should keep the slain minotaurs' underwear. They might prove useful as a way to locate either Chu, Bill or Sandy.

Bill: interesting. If Sandy is still alive, maybe she is also dispatching Minotaurs.

Ack'Basha/Ref: We need an enlarge spell to wear them.

Bill: Some of the new guys seem to have big balls.

Fishman: If you are talking about Ref, it's true. He cut them off a minotaur.

Chu: Or Bolto whenever he is.

Fishman: He's in a better place.
Which is, by definition, anywhere without us.

Chu: Pundit, your blog post needed more of my tactical crying.

Fishman: Get a hold of yourself, man!

So that's all for this session. Hope you enjoyed the ridiculous inter-session banter!


(August 27, 2016)
Title: DCC Campaign Log
Post by: RPGPundit on September 06, 2017, 12:21:44 AM
DCC Campaign Update: "Oh God, This Is Poison Ivy Too!"

Our last adventure had seen the kind-of tragic death of Ack'Basha, and the PCs finally escaping the Minotaur empire of Tholia, to return to their quest to find the ultra-powerful Libram of the Ten Spheres, hidden in some kind of dimensional puzzle inside an abandoned tower of the Azure Order.


-"Look, someone went inside the tower while we were gone. Maybe the Dutchmen?"
"The Dutchmen?"
"Y'all remember the Dutchmen, right? The ones we abandoned here?"
"Isn't that weird?"


-The PCs enter the first room of the tower, and find all the Dutchmen, hung from the ceiling, very dead.
"What the fuck happened to them??"
"Who cares?"

-There's a flash of light, and suddenly a Minotaur appears! This one is dressed in the uniform of a Police Interrogator and he happens to be in the midst of strangling Morris the Thief, who had been left behind in Tholia.
"Wow, that's convenient!"

-Bill tries to cast Control Fire at the Minotaur, but fails. Fortunately, he doesn't activate his mercurial side-effect either, because every time he casts Control Fire he runs the risk of opening a rift into the outer void!
"Did you tell the other PCs about rift effect?, never mind, of course you didn't; that was a stupid question."

-Morris is shocked to see the other PCs alive, as well as Zeke.
"Yes, my friend; I am alive. The Lord saw fit to spare me even though he allowed Ack'basha to die, I don't know why."
"I do, it's because G.O.D. doesn't want me to be happy."

(for some reason, I always imagine Zeke looking like this guy)

-"Fishman, why don't you cast Chill Touch at the Minotaur??"
"Because if he does it too often he'll go blind"

-"This Minotaur was a state torturer... he's a MinoStasi!"

-The halfling manages to wound the minotaur with a critical to the Minotaur's reproductive organs!

-Bill does a large spellburn, and Sezrekhan gives him the opportunity to drain the spellburn from one of his friends instead of himself. He chooses the Fishman. Unfortunately, the drain is so much that the fishman is left immobile from STR loss!
"He's flopping on the floor.. like some kind of fish!"

-The feral Halfling comforts the fishman "shh.. it'll all be over soon"
"Oh god! Guys, don't leave me alone with him!"

-After dispatching the Minotaur with Bill's massive magic missile, they move on in the tower, and soon run into a giant wasp!
"Guys, I can't move so I can't cast spells!"
"That means you're about as useful a spellcaster as always."


-They kill the wasp-thing, and move on, with Zeke volunteering to carry the Fishman, much to the Fishman's frustration.
"He ain't heavy, he's my brother!"
"You can't even remember my name!"

-The halfling stabs the next wasp-thing in the reproductive organs. Apparently, halfling crits always go to the reproductive organs.

-"The wasp-thing attacked, but missed Chu, Chu times!"
"I thought we weren't doing that!"

-"I can walk again, and I'm back to full hit points!"
"You're level 2 and you have 4 hit points? This is you at your best?!"
"Yes, but he can always protect himself with Ekim's Mystical Mask!"
"fuck you guys!"

-The PCs reach the fountain room, where they had previously had a lethal encounter with a water weird, only to find that the weird's fountain has been magically frozen.
"Someone did this.. some spellcaster."
"Surely this isn't Ack'basha's revenge from beyond the grave?"

-The PCs then get to the room full of giant Seagulls; the halfling immediately stabs one in the balls.
"Do seagulls even have balls?"
"To a halfling everything has balls!"


-"This whole tower is like a puzzle; we have to do it in order."
"We probably already screwed it up, like room 6 was probably actually room 9 or something."
"That does sound like what an asshole wizard would do to fuck with people"


-The PCs get to a room with some ominous statues.
"I'm going to step right into the statue room to see what happens."
"Nothing happens."
"See? It's just like the rest of your life!"

-"Bill only has magic that kills people"
"No! I can also seal doors!"
"Even your door-sealing magic kills people."

-Bill has made a sequester that covers the entire tower, to stop the random minotaur attacks and secure the place, as well as providing himself with a small army of animated armors for extra help.  Possibly out of a sense of guilt for having temporarily paralyzed the Fishman, he makes the password the Fishman's name! This soon proves to be a problem, because none of the other PCs remember what it is (or at least, their players stubbornly refuse to pronounce it).
"The halfling will carve the fishman's name on his arm"
"Dude, that's just an 'X', do you even know how to write?"
"I'll remember."

-They eventually get into a room from which there is no exit, aside from a 40' tall wall covered in shit; someone at the top has been using the hole at the top of the wall (and thus this room below) as a gigantic toilet.
"How the hell do we scale that?"
"You could scale it with spider climb, but you'll probably get some interesting skin diseases"

-Bill starts to levitate along the shit-wall, but halfway up he discovers the giant wasp-thing nest! He drops back down, and casts Control Fire to light the whole fucking wall up.

-This attracts the attention of a group of Giants in the room above! The Fishman (now recovered from his Bill-induced Spellburn-paralysis) decides on a clever ruse, on account of the fact he can speak Giant with Comprehend Languages.
"Who is down there?"
"It.. it's me, Giant Giantson!"
"..that checks out. Well met, Giantson, but why are you in our toilet?"

-"Have you the company of any wizard, Giantson?"
"Maybe.. why?"
"Because we would slaughter them, to free ourselves from this accursed tower!"
"That's good, just so you know I'm definitely not a wizard just pretending to be a giant!"
"That's good to know!"

-"Have you seen any others of our race?"
"Once, it was awful!"

-"What caused the fire at the bottom of our latrine? Also, why are you at the bottom of our latrine?"
"that was me, sorry, it was something I ate!"
"You are a firebreather like myself?"
"Sort of, but it comes out the other end!"
"Then I shall call you Giantson Fire-Farter!"
"...sure, why  not?"

-The fishman learns that the Giants are trapped in the tower by some kind of spell, that prevents them from being able to find the exit. Instead of offering them some kind of help to reach the fairly easy exit, he immediately blames it on Bill.
"Then we must find this 'Bill', and destroy him or die trying!"
"I'm totally with you on that!"

-"My friend, ask the giants if they have heard the word of G.O.D."
"Oh yeah, totally."
"Then we can reason with them as brothers in the Lord!"
"No, they totally hate G.O.D."

-"Hey, I heard you mention Bill to them?"
"Oh yeah... I told them you're a really swell guy!"

-"By the way, you aren't wearing minotaur underwear, are you?"
"Why would we wear such a thing?"
"Just curious.. um.. I have an odd fetish!"

-The PCs convince the Giants that their only option is to jump out the (5th story) window; they then proceed up the burnt wall and when they look out the window, they see the Giants have indeed jumped, survived the jump and then fought and survived (albeit horribly injured) a vicious battle with a whole bunch of Minotaurs that had been teleporting in this whole time just outside the tower (on account of the Sequester spell).  They decide to move on.

-They move on to a room that has two windows, next to each other, that seem to look out at exactly the same point in space.
"Hey, let's two of us put our heads out at the same time and see what happens!"
"That sounds like an incredibly stupid idea."
"Yeah, but.. don't you want to know what would happen?"

-Chu and the Halfling both look out the window at the same time, causing an explosion, both are horribly injured.

-"I'm OK. I'm going out the window"
"Are you sure? You look horribly injured!"
"Let him go, the halfling clearly knows what he's doing."
"I don't think any of us know what we're doing at this point!"

-The sequester spell alerts them that someone (they assume the giants, crossed the sequester threshold (and presumably died horribly due to the traps that spell  lays).
"They Might Be Giants?"

-The PCs eventually get to a room that actually requires going out the window and climbing down to the next floor in order to continue completing the magical puzzle. They are now all required to say the Fishman's name, much to their annoyance.
"You all have to say it if you want to get back in without triggering the Sequester traps"
"So do you!"
"I'm the GM"
"but Zeke has to say it."
"Oh fuck you."
"Say it!"

-They reach the remains of a library, which still has a number of interesting books: "Magical Tower Building for Dummies", "Transdimensional Antechambers: A How-To Guide", "Pocket Plane Wizardry", "Elemental Husbandry In 10 Easy Steps", "Feng Shui For Your Tower", etc.
"Were any of them written by BOLT-0?"
"Curiously, no."

-The halfling guilts Zeke into being the first one to climb down to the next window, and when Zeke is hanging from the window he tries to murder him! By sheer luck (or Zeke might think the grace of G.O.D.), Chu is quicker and punches the halfling to try to knock him out. Unfortunately for the Halfling, Chu criticals!
"You hear a nasty sounding snap as the halfling's neck breaks"
"Is he still alive?"
"well, when you try to turn him over to check, his head falls off, so no."
"Shit! What do we do now?"
"Throw the corpse out the window?"
"Yeah, ok."


-They've completed the puzzle-tower, and now it only remains to climb to the top of the tower. Zeke, who had gone down first thanks to the halfling, decides to rush up the last magic window to try to get the book before Bill can get his hands on it! The Fishman follows after him.
"I can't allow Bill to give Sezrekhan the Libram!"
"Because he's evil!"
"How do you know he's evil?"
"He hired you!"

-In this moment of extreme tension, as Bill is trying to murder Zeke from the window below with spells, while Zeke is threatening to burn the book rather than letting Bill get it, the Human Alcoholic stumbles back into view at the bottom of the tower.
"Hey guys! I'm still down here! I took a shit and it was the size of a log! I think it was all that minotaur meat!"
"For fuck's sake.. there goes our dramatic tolkienesque moment of climactic tension."
"This is why we can't have nice things."

(for some reason, I'm imagining the Drunken Master played by this guy)

-"The dimensional hole is closing. I'm going to throw the book back in, the energy of the castle is spent and this way it will not fall into Sezrekhan's hands, or anyone else's! It will be out of reach forever! My friends, Bill might kill us, but we have to do this! The alternative is unthinkable!"
Unfortunately for Zeke, Morris has snuck up to the top of the tower too; he decides to choose a side: he backstabs Zeke, knocking him out!


-"Bill! Don't cast cloudkill! I have the book! I'm with you!"
"Is Zeke dead?"
"Hey you guys!! The halfing is down here too. He doesn't look well!"

-Morris panics, worried Bill won't trust him and will kill him just in case, so he throws the book off the tower toward Bill.
Bill lunges for the book, frantically trying to catch it as it falls. Bill was tied to a rope and Chu quickly grabs the rope, frantically straining to save both Bill and the book.
"Hey you guys! That bush over there is poison ivy! Make sure you don't wipe your asses with it! I learned that the hard way!"

-Bill saved the book, Chu saved Bill, and the Alcoholic managed to hilariously ruin every dramatic moment at the climax of the adventure.


-The group heads back down. Morris and the Fishman claim that Zeke is dead, although Morris knows that he had only left Zeke unconscious.
"I assume he's going to die anyways."
"No. It's Zeke. G.O.D. has cursed me so that he's unkillable."

-Bill has to get out of the magical valley to contact Sezrekhan.
"This should be far enough."
"Ok, but don't look behind that rock! You definitely don't want to see what I left over there, it's huge!"

-Bill does Invoke Patron, with all the rest of the gang standing behind him waving and trying to get his attention.
"Hello, Mr.Sezrekhan!"

-Bill is having a serious talk with Sezrekhan, meanwhile the alcoholic's voice is heard from behind some nearby bushes.
"Oh god, this is poison ivy too! Not again!"


-"With the Libram, I will be able to rise to the Crown of Creation and take control of G.O.D. himself! You reward will be that when I defeat Nikos, he will die knowing that his destruction was thanks to you!"
"OK, but please don't tell him if you fail!"

-Sezrekhan also agrees to bring Bill back from the dead if his current body dies.
"Of course I will do this! You have pleased me!"
"Really? Man that feels weird."
"And of course, I assume there will be no more fuckups from now on!"
"Sir, you probably assume wrong."

-Bill also tells Sezrekhan he wants to destroy Tholia.  Morris overhears this.
"So, did Sezrekhan say you were allowed to destroy Tholia?"
"Yes, he said he doesn't give a shit about Tholia."
"Really? You like that idea? But you're from there!"
"Fuck them all."
The alcoholic chimes in "I think I was there once..."
"You're from there, you crazy drunk bastard!"

-"I want to go to Highbay."
"I want to go see Anthraz."
"I want to go destroy Tholia!"
"I think I need to go to a hospital, you guys!"

And with that the PCs, having given the Libram of the Ten Spheres to Sezrekhan (possibly dooming the world to his dominion) teleport off to Highbay, which they eventually agreed would be their first stop for some well-deserved rest.  They leave behind Zeke, alone and unconscious on the top of the tower, with days worth of travel through humanoid and giant-weasel-infected badlands between him and the nearest civilization.
Has the party seen the last of him?  Probably not, frankly, given how incredibly lucky he's been at surviving so far.

Stay tuned next time for more DCC adventures!


Currently Smoking: Raleigh Volcano + Argento Latakia
Title: DCC Campaign Log
Post by: RPGPundit on September 19, 2017, 11:55:07 PM
DCC Campaign Update: No Cleric Can Fix What's Wrong With Me

So our victorious anti-heroes have made their way back to Highbay, hoping for some much-needed rest, while the Fishman plans to perform the complicated week-long ritual required to call a patron (he plans to call for one at random).

-"What's up with you saying the fishman's name now? It's white guilt, isn't it?"

-"You should go with Sezrekhan for a patron, there's no downside!"
"I guess if you feel that being made to betray your own party isn't a 'downside'..."
"Yeah, but a lot of that is just stuff Bill was going to do anyways!"

-The PCs notice that there's very little traffic on the road to Highbay.
"Wait, do you mean traffic or 'traffic'?"
"I mean commerce"
"That still doesn't answer the question."

-Morris the thief is carrying way too many things. "I want to give away some of this stuff!"
"You are a level 1 guy, you have nothing that a 2nd level wizard like myself could use!"
"Ok, then I guess Bill can have these four wizard scrolls then.."

-The Drunken Master keeps asking the other PCs for spare change.
"Listen, I'll give you these 2gp, go drink all you like, ok??"
"Oh, thank you very much! Hey... can you spare some change?"


-When the party gets to Highbay, they find that the city has upped security.  They learn this is because, after Sandy the Warrior Queen's apparent death, the dreaded Goldeater and his armies from the city of Goldhalcon swept in and began to occupy all her former territory. Now there's no buffer zone between Highbay and Goldhalcon, and the people of Highbay fear they'll be next.
The PCs are taken to see City Controller Swanlea, pretty much the only sober man in all of Highbay, who is annoyed by their presence as usual, and as usual torn between the power they hold and the havoc they always cause when they're in town.

-"Look, we just want to rest. But, we may be attacked by minotaurs while we're here."
"You seriously haven't fixed that yet??"
"Hey Mr.Controller, can you spare some change?"
"This guy is with you? Man, you guys have gone downhill.."

-"Ok, so you'll let us stay as long as we don't wreck anything, and we fight for the city if Goldhalcon attacks. But I have a question for you: will you be bothered if some of Ack'basha's cultists end up dead?"
"Not even a tiny little bit."

-"So it's settled then. While we stay here, Highbay is our own personal playground"
"That's NOT what I said!"
"Come on, Swanlea, you know how this goes.."

-"One more question: where's BOLT-0?"
"With the Time Dinosaurs."
"Those guys really exist??"
"They sure do. I'm still shitting carbonite!"

-The Drunken Master is here for the first time, and shocked at how everywhere in town narcotics are openly bought and sold.
"Ugh, drug addicts."

-Bill:"No! Come on guys, don't fight. Killing party members is wrong!"

-The PCs make their way to Ack'basha's Temple, where they meet a monk named Brother Shebubu. The cultists have apparently heard of Ack'basha's death, but now the cult has been taken over by two old cultists named Father and Mother Shebubu (apparently, every cultist is now named Shebubu, for reasons unknown) and they've convinced the rest of the faithful that Ack'basha has actually "ascended" to a higher plane and speaks to Father and Mother, telling them what the cult must do.
They've also constructed a statue of Ack'basha made of solid Smithplium.

-Unfortunately, the cultists are not at all happy to see Bill the Elf, or as they call him, "The Dark One"!
"That's a pretty accurate name."

-The PCs try to negotiate with the cultists, promising that they just want a place to stay and claiming that Ack'basha would have wanted this. Bill also hints to them that he might be able to get back the Primo Staff soon.
"We will have to perform the rite of Commune with Ack'Basha, to determine what is his will in all this!"
"So... is that like, actual magic, or are you guys just going to get high?"
"We only get high on Ack'basha!"


-The newbie PCs go shopping in Highbay.
"I would like to buy a warhammer"
"Sure! We have a 1st edition warhammer, a 2nd edition warhammer, and a 3rd edition warhammer, but that last one is frankly a piece of shit."

-Morris buys a special deal on some armor which includes a free baggie of hashish. He tries to sell it off on the street. While he's talking to a hippie, a city guard comes by!
"HEY! What are you doing?!"
"He's trying to sell me some hash."
"Oh! OK, carry on then."

-"So until now, you've been carrying around the rotting skin of a dead man in your pocket. But now that you've got a backpack, you can put it there, like a civilized person!"

-"Tell me, Brother Shebubu, have you seen any clerics in town? We're trying to find a new one for the party."
"Clerics have come by the temple from time to time, but they always leave fairly quickly in disgust, for some reason."

-The PCs decide to place a 'help wanted' ad with a local town crier:
"Who wants to join a happy band of adventurers? Wanted: a cleric with very lax morals."

-Morris tries to find a town crier:
"Hey, you.. I have some hashish with me. I want to take you to some friends who'd like to meet you.."
"Get the hell away from me you freak!"

-The Drunken Master goes looking for a town crier, but just ends up bringing back a homeless hippie more stoned than he is drunk.

-Finally, Chu and Bill realize that if they want a job done they need to do it themselves. They find themselves a town crier, and agree to the price of 1sp plus Morris' remaining bag of hash, followed by 2sp a day, until a Cleric is found.

-I should mention that the Drunken Master continues to be a master of comic relief, stealing every scene he's in.  I keep imagining Zack Galifianakis in his role, but his player tells me that this guy was his actual inspiration:


-Now he's got some half-plate armor, though, after scamming the money off Morris, so he looks closer to this:


-While the PCs are waiting around the temple, there's a flash of light and not one but two minotaurs appear! They appear to have been teleported while in the middle of a hardcore BDSM session; they're both in leather, and one of them is in cuffs and a gimp outfit.
"Well, that's awkward..."

-The kinky minotaurs are slain.
"Should we move the corpses?"
"Nah, leave them there in the front lawn."
And indeed, by the next morning the PCs awake to find that roving hippies took the bodies.

-The next day, another Minotaur attack! This one was dressed as a postman. In the vicious battle that followed, Chu ends up using a flamethrower, lighting the Temple of Ack'basha on fire!

-"You have burned the temple! Get out!!"
"And what are you going to do if we don't?"
"We'll tell Swanlea on you."

-Reluctantly, the PCs move down the road, squatting in an abandoned building within view of the temple (so they can alert the town crier they hired of their new location).
The Alcoholic is unimpressed "I'm not used to living in this level of squalor!"

-Bill gives the alcoholic 60sp to occupy himself, he heads off to blow it on cheap liquor and cheaper whores.
"Dude, your character isn't Zack Galifianakis from The Hangover anymore, now you're just Zack Galafinakis!"

-In the course of his drunken revels, the alcoholic runs into a feasting group of bards, and worms his way into their inner circle. By the next day, still partying with them, he's apparently been hired on as their roadie.


-The rest of the party suffer another minotaur attack, just as the town crier was coming up the road to see them.
"hey guys, I found you a cleric! I---aaggghh!!"

-"is the town crier still alive?"
"Well, he's in two halves, and his spinal cord is hanging out of one of the halves... so no."

-The team sweeps through town trying to find a Cleric. After some false starts, they run into one; a fairly wimpy-looking low-level cleric named Mackwis. Just as they run into him, there's another Minotaur attack.
"Did you talk to a town crier? About joining a group of happy adventurers?"
"Me?? No! What??"
"Welcome to the party!"

-"I'm Chu, this is Morris, and the guy who was on fire and just vanished is Bi-- um... Michael! Michael the radioactive mutant!"

-"I don't want to go adventuring! I've only even been a cleric for less than a year!"

-"Hi! I'm.. Michael."
"You're on fire!"
"That's just because of a spell I cast. It'll eventually stop."
"I'm going to back away from all of you now!"

-"How long am I going to be on fire?"
"10 minutes per character level."
"Well, this is my life now."

-Morris hopes to find another cleric, the one who had been found by the town-crier before his untimely death, so he goes around offering the locals weed if they can find him.
"I'm not a cut-throat anymore; now I'm a drug dealer."
"This is your life now!"

-The other "cleric" does in fact show up the next day, but he's actually just a hippie pretending to be a cleric.

-Meanwhile, the Fishman had been spending all this time under a pier working on his ritual of Patron Bond. Eventually, a hippie discovers him there, and brings a friend to gawk at the weirdo.
"You don't want to make me get up. Get out of here now."
"We better be careful, man... he might cast Ekim's Mystical Mask at us!"
"...that's a low blow."

-The alcoholic has been touring with his band of bards, with the stage name "Lizardbreath".


-Unfortunately, the band broke up, leaving the alcoholic to regain consciousness in an utterly wrecked hotel room. There's weird liquid all over the floor that's probably a mix of alcohol and bodily fluids, and a dead hooker in the corner.

-The innkeep shows up demanding that the 500sp bill be paid, plus damages. So of course, the alcoholic does the only thing he can and jumps out the window.
"You failed your roll, and fell hard out the window, you now have 3hp left."
"You're still better off than when this started!"

-The alcoholic stumbles back to the Temple of Ack'Basha.
"You're not allowed in here anymore!"
"...who are you?"

-He finds his way to the squat where the PCs are staying, and meets Makwis the Cleric.
"I'm going to try to heal you.."
"OK, thanks!"
"...of your alcoholism."
"Wait, what??"

-"But alcohol cleans wounds! It's why I have no internal injuries!"
"I'm pretty sure you have massive liver damage."

-"Ok, so my name is Michael.. but some people call me Bill."
"Bill? Like Bill the Elf?! That's awful! Why would your friends nickname you after history's greatest monster?"

-The alcoholic is confused by Bill's attempt to hide his true identity from the cleric.
"Wait, who's Michael?"
"He is." *wink*
"Oh. Pleased to meet you.. you remind me of someone I know."

-"So where were you the last few days?"
"I was in a band. They treated me to some drinks and stuff.. then things happened. There was a dead hooker!"
"I've been there, man."

-The PCs send the alcoholic away again, to try to find some new Dutch mercenaries. He starts to ask around.
"There's some mercenaries around the docks. There's also this weird fishman, a dude is charging 2cp to see him!"
"Really? A fishman?? No way!"

-Another minotaur fight happens.
"Markus are you OK?"
"It's Makwis, actually, but yes."

-"Dutch mercenaries? Yes, I remember a while back there was a group of dutch crossbowmen. But they left with some adventurers, and never returned. Isn't that weird?"

-While rooting around the port area, the alcoholic runs into a huge apeman warrior.
"I'm looking for Bill the Elf"
"I could take you to Mike... they're very similar!"


-"I'm part of Bill's adventuring party, and they're looking for warriors to hire. Hey wait.. I'm a warrior! They could hire me!"

-"I'm seeking Bill the Elf"
"Wait, the elf??"
"They call me that sometimes."
"So you are not Bill the Elf?"
"Um... let's go for a walk, apeman.."

-"And you are?"
"Chu, you might have heard of me, I'm actually sort of a big deal"
"The warrior?"
"I've vaguely heard of you."

-"So you were just lying to a cleric?"
"If you really know Doctor Theobald, this should come as no surprise to you."

-"I serve the young Queen Zoey of Coolland, who's kingdom is threatened by her wicked uncle, the Duke of Abstinence"
"I hate that guy!"

-"Why don't you get help from the Azure Order?"
"The kingdom of Coolland has had bad relations with the Azure Order. Something about body image issues."

-"The Kingdom of Coolland is a rare place of beauty in this terrible world. I want to preserve it."
"We'll try  not to ruin it."

-"Why is this drunk with you?"
"We don't really know. We just fed him once and now we can't get rid of him."

-"Ack'Basha's dead?! And the Lord of Blood and Fire killed him?"
", yes!"
"So this is not just a job for you, you seek to avenge your friend?"
"Man, there's a lot of disinformation out there about me..."

-Meanwhile, the Fishman finally completes the ritual of Patron Bond. He chose to risk a random patron, and the one that answered his call was.. the Old Hag!
"So.. you're the Old Hag.. what's your deal?"
"There be two things ye have to know about the Old Hag: the first is that she be.. a hag!"
"Oh god, I know where this is going..."


-"So you can't offer me some form of immortality?"
"No, but ye will be able to get the aid of any old wise women ye may find."
"yeah... I think that I'm just going to try again later with some other patron.."

-Having wasted a week for nothing, the Fishman gets up to leave. But the gang of hippies who were charging 5cp for people to come see the freak try to force him to stay.
"Hey dude, he's diving into the bay!"
"Should we go after him?"
"Well.. yeah.. but.. it's water."
"Oh yeah. Bummer. Never mind."

-Bill the Elf has resorted to casting Charm Person on the cleric to keep him around.
"The cleric is going to prepare dinner for us now."
"You know he's going to despise you once the spell wears off, right?"
"He's my best friend!"

-The fishman dejectedly returns to the party.
"Hey cleric, can you heal the fishman?"
"No cleric can fix what's wrong with me."

-"Ok yeah, the thing is my name's Michael, but people... aw fuck it, I'm Bill the Elf!"
"I feel extremely upset at you, as a friend."

-"So what's your name, Mr. Ape?"
"My name is Harembe!"
"Oh fuck!"


-The team agrees to take up the cause of Queen Zoey, and so Bill the Elf prepares to Planar Step them all to Coolland. Unfortunately, he can only take so many people with him, and thus Harembe the Apeman agrees they should go on ahead, and he will follow them. He promises to take the cleric as well, but he doesn't sound very sincere.

-The PCs arrive in a field of adorable fluffy bunnies, within distance of Coolland's capital city of Gaga.
"I'm already regretting this."


Stay tuned next time, for more DCC insanity!


Currently Smoking: Lorenzetti Poker + Solani Aged Burley Flake

(September 20, 2016)
Title: DCC Campaign Log
Post by: RPGPundit on September 28, 2017, 12:12:01 PM
DCC Campaign: Backstage: The Backstagening Pt. 3

So here's yet another log from the backstage conversation thread my DCC Gamers write in, slowly, over the course of the two weeks between adventures.

This covers the times just before and just after the session I reported on most recently in this blog entry.

Without further ado:

(TRIGGER WARNING: super offensive gang of ordinary human beings daring to have fun. Do not read if you are a hysterical regressive. Or, yeah actually read it, because I really want you to feel all offended because Fuck You):

Backstage: The Backstagening, Book III

Morris: I will take this opportunity... to bring chaos to Tolia. Tolia will be set on fire, and so all of their minotaurs, burning to the ashes...

Bill: We can live with that, we can certainly hire a cleric in high bay. Hire or Charm, or make addicted to something.

Morris: kidnap... or whatever

Chu: Kidnapping is such a strong word, I prefer unofficial commandeer of an autonomous healbot.

Bill: That is also a good idea. Let's see if Anthraz has one of those.

Chu: Well, killing a halfling and throwing him through the window, not one of my proudest moments.

Bill: I have seen/done worse.

Chu: Yep, not gonna question that. Haven't even done a genocide yet.

Morris: Well, allowing chaos and destruction take over the world in some early future, not one of my proudest moments.

Bill: Chaos is another type of order.

Fishman: What. No, it's not. It's like saying "Black is another type of white".

Drunken Master: it is, when you turn lights off.

Morris: Whooooooooooo *Mind = blown*


(Cut: lengthy political debate about Trump based on my "Deplorables" blog entry.
I should note our Player party is politically diverse: the Drunken Master (formerly Ackbasha) is a literal hardcore Trotskyite in real life and pretty much opposes the whole structure of western governments, the Fishman is a center-leftist and very not into Trump, I am (as you all know) a Trump-supporting Libertarian, Chu is an Alt-Right Shitlord, Bill is a general shit-disturber, and I have no idea what Morris is)

Bill: I thought "The Deplorables" is quite good as a description of the party.

Fishman: Also known as "Shit, not them again".

Bill: That

Drunken Master: Actually, "Shit, not them again... and who are you fishman?"

Bill: His name is Losha. The fishman has a name

Pundit: Bill has White Guilt.

Fishman: The guy who killed several minotaurs and giants with one single lvl 1 spell.

Bill: Radiant white elf privilege.

Fishman: One.

Drunken Master: Ekim Mystical Mask?

Bill: Chill touch? Spider climb ?


Bill: Enlarge while "chill touching"?

Fishman: Screw  you guys.

Bill: We still love you, fishman, you are like Yahoo's Babel fish for us And you are good too, when there are no cold beverages around

Drunken Master: and you are rich on omega-3

Bill: LOL

Chu: Top kek

Fishman: I have an omega-3 dispenser right here for you! *grabs crotch*

Bill: Oh me god!

Drunken Master: that's the hole you use to fertilize eggs.

Bill: You see, this is much more interesting than to contaminate this haven with partisan chat

Chu: Yep I have always wanted a chat about the implications of fishman and the nature of his genitalia

Pundit: Could a halfling critical a fishman?

Bill: *wags finger*

Fishman: If you gaze too long into the fishman's genitalia, the fishman's genitalia will gaze into you.

Bill: Unless the fishman's genitalia have a codpiece with Ekims Mystical Mask, that protect them against gaze attacks

Fishman: It does.

Drunken Master: 1:00, those are the fishman's genitals:

Bill: What's going on? Why would bbc 3 produce that?

Morris: Today I'll be a little late, I'm waiting for delicious sea food for lunch, no offence Fish-man, I'm sure they are not your relatives.

Bill: Late like what?

Morris: Like half an hour, maybe

Fishman: Yeah, I'm gonna be there closer than 4 than to 3 too...

Bill: Sharing a meal with Morris and your fish relatives, you sick cannibal

Fishman: Losha is a fishman FISHERMAN. What did you thought he ate?

Drunken Master: Dick. He eats dick.

Morris:  OMW!

Fishman: Meat is meat.

Drunken Master:

Bill: *?*


Drunken Master: before zach gallifianakis turns into the official face of the drunkard, I want to let you know this is the one I had in mind.

Bill: Plus the half-plate


Drunken Master: that was in Tholia, before joining the party

Bill: *wine bottle warrior*

Chu:  Wait... What was the name of the Half-elven queen?

Bill: Loretta - identified as woman before it was cool


That's all for this time. If you're amused by seeing a glimpse of the banter between my players and between their adventures, let me know, and I might post some more of these.


Currently Smoking: Lorenzetti Poker + H&H's Beverwyck

(September 28, 2016)
Title: DCC Campaign Log
Post by: RPGPundit on October 02, 2017, 01:32:54 AM
DCC Campaign Archive: We're Injury Besties!

We started this adventure with the PCs teleporting into an idyllic field of pretty flowers full of fluffy little bunnies. In the distance, they could see Gaga, the capital city of Coolland, whose Queen Zoey they had just agreed to save from the invasion of her uncle, the Duke of Abstinence.

-The Drunken Master throws up a considerable amount of blood.
"I'm totally fine!"
He then immediately passes out.

-Morris decides he's going to try to kill a bunny, just for sick kicks. But he misses his attack roll. All of a sudden, every one of the hundreds of bunnies in the field sit up, and slowly turn to stare at him ominously.
"Well, I'm immediately regretting this."


-"Bill has become the voice of reason in the party - how sad is that?"
"What the fuck is happening here?!"

-The PCs decide to quickly run from the bunnies and head toward the city, leaving behind the unconscious Drunken Master.
"As you flee, you see the bunnies slowly converging toward the Drunken Master's prone form"
"It's ok, they're probably just going to take care of him!"


-The city of Gaga looks like it was totally built by Disney.

-The city's gates are shut, and walls manned by guards; but when they realize who the PCs are, they immediately open the gates. The PCs are really not used to this.

-"You're awesome!! I've always wanted to meet you! My friends are going to be so jealous I got to talk to Ackbasha!"
"I'm Chu!"

-A delegation of the Queen's council arrive, including a fashionably-dressed extremely hot guy in sunglasses who turns out to be the Prime Minister, and an old guy in a very colourful set of robes and a beanie-hat with a coiling wire at the top with a bobbing icon of an eye. The second guy turns out to be the court wizard, named Palombo.

-The PCs are being totally mobbed by hoards of young people, all engaging in some kind of medieval snapchatting; frantically sketching quick drawings of the PCs and then sharing them with each other.

-Suddenly, a Minotaur teleports in!
"Oh yeah, I'd forgotten that was still happening."

-Bill blasts the minotaur with an impressive Magic Missile. As the standard side-effect of his spell, he is afterward immediately sent to the "neutral zone" (an ethereal plane) for 1d6+1 rounds. While there, he's surprised to see some hip-looking dude hanging around in ethereal form too.
"Hey man"
"..who the fuck are you?"
"Alamabus the wizard. You stuck here permanently?"
"No.. I'll be gone soon."
"Lucky you."

-Some of the PCs are pretty impressed by how most of the population of Coolland are very young and very beautiful.
"so... how do people here swing?"
"It's Coolland. Everyone here is pansexual!"
"Morris, why did you have to ask?"
"I was curious."
"Oh, you're Curious?? That's cool!"

-The PCs reach the Palace, where they meet Queen Zoey. She looks to be a hot barely-legal pink mutant, dressed in a spandex workout suit when she first encounters them.
"Hey.. um.. quick question: what's the age of consent around here? I'm asking for a friend!"
"Don't worry about it. No one here is going to find you attractive enough to have sex with anyways, fishman"
"Hey! I'll have you know that among my fishman species I'm considered only slightly below average appearance!"
"It doesn't matter anyhow. Almost no one in Coolland actually has sex. It's apparently not cool anymore."


-"So your majesty, you want us to save you from your uncle the Duke. I just wanted to know: precisely what level of Scorched Earth are you looking for here?"
"I want the least number of people hurt as possible."
"Wow. I think you have some serious misconceptions about us."

-"What about the orcs your uncle has recruited, can we kill them?"
"Oh, sure! They're gross and smelly and ugly! And it's ok to say so because they're racist!"


-"Please, you have to help me, you're my only hope!..Hehe, I always wanted to say that!"
"You're pretty young for that reference.."
"No, it's totally cool again!"


-"My uncle wants to usurp me before I really become Queen. My rule is only assured after I complete the Ceremonial Pole Dance."
"I really want to see that!"

-Morris immediately gains himself a reputation in Coolland as a total Creep.

-"My bunny-spies have told me that my uncle is trying to obtain a super-weapon of some kind. Many bunny-spies died to get us this information."

-"Bunny spies?"
"Dude, I'm a fishman, you're a pigman, Morris is a creep, and Bill changes bodies like underwear."
"I'm trans-elf."
"You're trans?? Cool!"

-Coolland social media messaging is sent by a legion of tiny blue-birds.


-"You guys will be super popular here!"
"I don't really care about popularity."
"I do!!"

-"Tomorrow you will go on your mission, but tonight.. dance party!"

-Nobody in Coolland has sex, but cuddle-piles and girls-kissing-girls is plentiful.

-Only Morris stays at the dance, the rest of the PCs deciding they're too old for this bullshit.

-Social media hashtags Morris as "#CreepyJuggler". By the end of the night he got 17161 Likes, but 86713 Dislikes.
"#CreepyJuggler was staring at me all night. Ew!"
"#CreepyJuggler tried to join our cuddlepile. Awkward."
"I'm famous now!"


-The next morning, in accordance to the PCs' request, Queen Zoey presents them with the only Cleric in Gaga. His name is Zabaz, and he's a chain-smoking unkempt potty-mouthed nervous wreck who hates G.O.D.
"Aren't clerics supposed to love G.O.D.?"
"I want to go to the Crown of Creation and kick G.O.D. in the fucking crotch!"
"You've come to the right group!"


-"Ackbasha's dead?"
"Serves him fucking right!"
"You and I will get along just fine, Cleric!"
"Yeah. G.O.D. does sometimes answer people's prayers!"

-"Your majesty, could we also take along some convicts you might have, as cannon fodder?"
"There's very little crime here..We might have someone in Fashion Jail!"

-They find there is in fact one hardened criminal in Fashion Jail; his name's Nesber. His crime: wearing socks and sandals at the same time.
"I think they look just fine!"


-"At least they're not Crocs"
"No... sadly they confiscated those!"

-They also need a tracker to lead them through the wilderness to the supposed ancient ruined Temple of the Lord of Blood & Fire, which the Duke of Abstinence seeks for his super-weapon. They are presented with their scout: an Airdale Terrier named Wally.
"Can I pet you?"
"No! I'm a working dog!"


-"I'm going to sneak up behind the dog to scratch his ear without him noticing!"
"What the fuck dude?! Do you even have to be all creepy with the dog???"

-Dog: "That fishman thinks he's people!"

-Heading off, after an uneventful day's march, it's time for bed in the woods, and as is his want, Bill casts Sequester. He gets a critical, meaning that 50 suits of Animated Armor appear to help guard them.
"These automatons will watch over us as we sleep!"
"So, like Morris?"
"Not that creepy."

-The next day, they run into some orc zombies in the forest.

-The dog and the cynical cleric join the fight, but "Sandals" proves useless.
"I know how to identify plants from my time as a boy scout. Are the zombies vulnerable to poison ivy? Because I found some over here."
"No, but if the Drunken Master is still alive you'll prove a great help to him."

-"Cleric Zabaz, I need some healing. What alignment are you?"
"I'm Lawful Fuck You, that's what I am!"

-The party passes by a small army of orcs gathered around the gutted ruins of an ancient Elven Dome.

-That night the team breaks up into watches. Morris is stuck keeping watch with Sandals, because no one else wants to do a watch with either of them.
"We can make knots to pass the time!"
"Even the other boy scouts thought you sucked, didn't they?"
"I was actually the only kid in my troupe. My mom was the scoutmaster; she thought I was cool!"


-A random minotaur encounter happens. The entire party wakes up to a swearing-match between the Minotaur jock and the disgruntled cleric.
"Oh fuck you!"
"Fuck you!!"

-Sandals got injured.
"Can you heal me, Mr. Cleric?"
"No. G.O.D. hates us all, but he hates you most of all."

-The PCs carry on, and find the ruined temple! Entering, they find an enormous statue of the Lord of Blood and Fire. They also get ambushed by a group of orcs who got there just before them.

-Sandals gets hit again, and Chu rushes to his aid!
"I can't let him die like this!"
"Why the fuck not?!"

-The disgruntled cleric makes creative use of Word of Command: "SHIT!"

-Still under attack from an Orc, Sandals first attempts to offer his spear to the orc as a gift, and then his bag of nuts, but the orc just keeps attacking.
"Fight him you moron!"
"That wouldn't be very friendly of me, would it? It'd just get him madder!"

-"I'll throw another javelin, at the orc fighting Chu!"
"Are you going to roll to hit, or do you just want to save time and throw it on the ground with all the other weapons you've dropped so far?"

-Finally, the orcs are slain.
"Well, I've got the spear back and my nuts are safe!"

-"Alright, who the fuck took damage?"
"I did, Mr.Cleric!"
"So no one hurt?"
"I am!!!"
"Ok then, guess I'll just heal myself."

-The party camps out inside the temple. "Sandals" slept naked, except for his sandals and socks.
"Anyone want some nuts? It's good breakfast food."

-Dawn comes with another Minotaur attack. Chu, Sandals, and Bill are all hurt, and the Cleric gets a shitload of disapproval as he curses god for failing spells.

-Bill gives the cleric 100gp. He puts it away.
"Aren't you going to use that to sacrifice to G.O.D. so your disapproval goes down?"
"Fuck that."


-"We're injury buddies now, Mr.Chu! Actually, we're more than injury buddies, we're injury Besties!!"
"Put some goddamn clothes on!"

-Bill charms "Sandals". Sandals is successfully charmed. Bill commands him to take off the sandals. "Sandals" gets a second save and succeeds.
"I'm still your friend, but my sandals are sacred!"

-The PCs discover that the massive statue of the Lord of Blood & Fire is actually hollow, and has rooms inside. They decide to go investigate.
"I'll stay here, and I'll bark if any orcs approach"
"...or a squirrel."
"I don't like you, fishman."
"have a jerky treat!"
"No! I.. oh goddamn it... *munch*"
"Who's a good boy!"
"Stop it!"
"Your tail's wagging!"
"Damn you!!"

-The interior of the statue is full of machinery and controls; the PCs are fairly certain that it's a kind of mecha.

-Bill decides that the best way to avoid any potential ambush or trap in the next room down the stairs is to drop a grenade down there. This ruins a bunch of machinery and starts a small fire.

-Once the fire is out, they decide to play it extra cautious and send Sandals down to investigate first. It turns out that neither Bill's grenade or the fire did any harm to the shadow-creatures that were waiting in ambush. Sandals is promptly disemboweled!


-The rest of the team defeats the shadows. Chu removes the socks from Sandal's corpse.
"There, that was bugging me so much!"

-The dog calls out to them from outside "Everything alright up there?"
"Yes, everything is fine. Sandals is dead."
"Oh. That's...a..thing that happened."

-They go down to yet another room, and there find what appears to be an engine or furnace of some kind. They can't immediately figure out what it runs on, so they dismember Sandal's body, toss it into the furnace and light it on fire, in the hopes it'll do something.  It doesn't.

-Bill then decides to try to "Mend" the entire statue. He succeeds, repairing the damage that neglect and Bill himself caused. But mending the statue still doesn't provide a power source.


-They do notice a nearly-empty bin by the furnace with some crystals in it. When they toss a crystal into the furnace and pull the 'on' lever, it crackles with energy and comes alive, but only for a minute!

-They also found a mining elevator leading down to some large cavern underneath the statue. Figuring that there might be more power crystals down there, they plan to head in that direction.

That's it for this session. Next time, the PCs will be trying to find a way to power the statue, cause immense mayhem with it, and hopefully keep it so they can go devastate Tholia with it like Morris wanted.

Stay tuned!


Currently Smoking: Lorenzetti Poker + Solani Aged Burley Flake

(October 2nd, 2016)
Title: DCC Campaign Log
Post by: RPGPundit on October 16, 2017, 01:59:46 AM
DCC Campaign Update: Almost Everyone Useful is Dead... and the Fishman

As of the end of last adventure, the stalwart PCs were inside an ancient  giant robot presumably in the shape of the Lord of Blood and Fire.  They had found, at the bottom of the mecha/statue a kind of service elevator leading down to a cave, and were considering exploring it; since even though they had Mended the mecha they were unable to figure out how to power it up.


-"Woof woof! There are people out here! I do not know these people! Woof woof woof!"


-The people that Wally the Airedale-Terrier/scout/lookout alerted the PCs to turn out to be more PCs! The Drunken Master has arrived along with a trio of newbies.
The Drunken Master was last seen abandoned by the rest of the party, unconscious in a field full of adorable bunnies that the PCs later learned were the spies and agents of Queen Zoey of Coolland (for whom they are now questing). He was given CPR by the bunnies and wandered off into the woods after his recovery.

-"*hic* Hello! I'm looking for my group..."
"... we wish you luck with that!"

-The newbies accompanying him are a Dwarven Kidnapper, a Halfling Chicken-Rider, and a Yellow-mutant Hobo.

-"Hey.. is there a doctor with you guys? I don't think my pee should be red!"

-"We have a job for you. We want you and your new friends to go down this elevator into a dark pit."
"I'm drunk, not stupid. I told my last party that!"
"We were your last party!"

-"So who's going down the shaft?"
(in stereo) "The Newbies!"


-"Look, we're only going to lower them halfway down so they can get a view of the cave. It's not like we're sending them to their certain doom!"
"Well, knowing you guys.."

-"We're trying to find some crystals, we think that they power the giant robot/statue"
"I still think we can just stuff corpses into the furnace."
"Corpses, crystals... more testing is required."

-"So if we tap on the basket three times, someone will pull us up?"
"No, but if you start to scream in agony and terror we'll cut the cable and close the hatch."

-"Guys are we even sure the libram of whatever is up there?"
"Holy shit, that was like two adventures ago, you fucking drunk!"

-"you know.. there could be alcohol down there.."
"I told you already, I may be drunk but I'm not... how much alcohol?"

-"Are you telling me not one of you fucking guys has a torch?!"
"well *hic* I don't like to get too close to fire.."


-"Fishman, can your new spell create the illusion of light??"
"He can't even create the illusion of competence!"
"man, when even the GM is making fun of your character..."
"That wasn't me, that was the NPC priest... but I do feel the same way."

-"Wait, can't Ekim's Mystical Mask give you infravision?"
"It can! Holy shit, it's actually fucking useful!"
"Wait.. it can only do that for 2 rounds."
"Oh for fuck's sake!"
"LOL, for one brief shining moment you thought that spell didn't totally suck!"

-"Oh wait you guys, I actually have a flashlight on me! I forgot!"
"fuck's sake!"

-"ok, get us down three-quarters of the way!"
"I can't! I'm shit at fractions!"

-"There's something moving down there... keep going but not all the way!"
"That's what she said!"

-Bill takes a literal 'shot in the dark' with a pistol.
"You can't do that with a magic missile, you know."

-"Why don't we just toss Morris down the hole?"
"I don't think we should be encouraging the creep to get anywhere near holes."

-"You know I have Spider Climb.. I am helpful sometimes!"
"Oh yeah... it's so rarely that we forget."

-Bill tries to cast a spell, but ends up receiving a vision from Sezrekan that would allow him to gain a new spell if he spends 24 hours in pure meditation.
"We're going to wait 24 hours, so we can be 'stronger together'".
"I've never trusted anyone who ever said that."

-The halfling is looking for a giant chicken to tame and ride; it's a test of manhood among his tribe.
"Well, you might just get yourself a magic chicken..we're hoping to receive another call from the Grand Council of Wizards".

-"So what do you do, dwarf?"
"I'm a professional kidnapper."
"What do you know? We now have a literal kidnapper in our party, and Morris is still the creepiest guy in the group."

-"This party once had a literal agent of the Lord of All Flesh, daemon of hedonism and erotic perversity, and he was less creepy than Morris!"

-"Cleric Zabaz, how about you take first watch with me?"
"How about fuck you, I won't do any watch. You want cure light wounds in the morning, don't you bitch?"
"So does Cure Disease cure lung cancer, dude?"

-The next morning, there's a minotaur attack! Morris spends 3 luck points on doing extra damage, but doesn't quite kill him!
"Drunken master, you have the chance to do the kill shot!"
"You had me at 'shot'"

-In fact, the drunken master fails his chance, so Morris spends another 2 points to finally get the kill. That means he starts the day 5 luck points down.

-Bill completes his meditation, and successfully obtains the Magic Shield spell.
"So what does that do?"
"Well, there's two things you have to know about Magic Shield.  The First is that it's a shield..."

-The party finally piles into the elevator; Morris volunteers to stay up top and pull the crank to lower the rest of the group, figuring he'll be safer that way.  Unfortunately, a shadow-creature that had been hiding in the room chooses that moment to attack (when the party are about halfway down the 200' drop to the cave).  Panicked, Morris snaps the crank and pulls himself down the rope, while the elevator plunges the rest of the way down doing massive damage to everyone inside.
"Thanks to you half the party might be dead!"
"I feel guilty about that."
"You ARE guilty!"
"Killing most of the party is frowned upon, you know!"

-Tragically, the Fishman is dead!  So is the yellow mutant and the halfling chicken-rider but no one cares much about that.


-Bill, Chu, and the Drunken Master survived. The Drunken Master is particularly affected by his brush with the grim reaper.
"I'm going to change my life, you guys.. I swear from this day forward I'll never set foot inside an elevator again."

-"Morris pretends to be sad, but on the inside he's really happy"


-The cave they fell into is full of extra-mutated radioactive mutants! There's a brief fight, but they get scared off after the party shoots a couple of them and Bill 'flames on' with Control Fire.
Since Bill is stuck being on fire for another hour or so, Chu chops up the Fishman and makes cooks fishman-kebobs off Bill's aura of flame.

-The party moves on to a cave filled with gems; but when Chu approaches a big pile of gems there turns out to be a pair of hideous demons hiding in the pile! Chu gets himself poisoned by their attacks.

-The Drunken Master manages to take up the fight, and one of the demons falls, but then the Drunken Master is taken down by a demon too.


-Zabaz uses Word of Command on the other demon: "Fuck!"
The demon immediately starts humping his fallen partner's corpse.

-Sadly, both Chu and the Drunken Master are dead now too. The rest of the PCs mourn, and then stuff every last gem they can into the briefcase of holding.

-"well, almost everyone who could actually do anything in this party is dead... and the Fishman"

-"We're going to have to proceed as usual: planning carefully at every step."
"We do that?"

-"Everyone is dead because of you, you shit!"
"You aren't dead..."
"Only because G.O.D. won't let me die!"

-The party makes their way to the shore of an underground pond. There, they find that the radioactive mutants have set up a cage filled with sacrificial prisoners/replacement PCs.  There's a Cold Mutant Thief that the party already met previously, and a human they previously knew too (only now he's become a Cleric in the Cult of Ack'basha, and renamed himself "Uncle Shebubu").  There's also a hideous Transparent Mutant sailor, a mutant rock-musician bard with a combination lute/axe (who can't actually speak or sing above a whisper), and a human shit-disturber from Arkhome.

-The transparent mutant sailor is also a cyclops, but he still has an eyepatch, he just puts it to the side of his head, in a desperate and doomed attempt to fit in.

-Just as the characters are getting introduced, a Giant Tentacle bursts out of the pond and starts to attack. Note that it's not a 'tentacle monster', just a seemingly autonomous Giant Tentacle.


-"I failed my Holy Sanctuary spell! Why, G.O.D, why??"
"Welcome to the life of a cleric, bitch!"


-The Cold Mutant is actually self-aware; he and the Fishman had both been temporarily swept up to the Crown of Creation when Nikos the Wizard had his apotheosis, and as a result they both came to realize that they were in fact just player characters, and for the same player. Thus, the Cold Mutant knows he was also the Fishman, and he's pretty pissed at his character having just died.

-"So what's the Cold Mutant's name?"
"No! Goddamnit don't you dare!"
"So Hum goes next?"
"too late"
"So now you've gone from playing a guy whose name no one remembered to playing one Hum's name no one will allow you to forget."

-"You're supposed to be a fucking cleric?? What happened to your dignity?"
"What dignity? I'm a cultist of Ack'Basha!"


-"That transparent mutant is hideous!"
"Yeah, he could actually use Ekim's Mystical Mask...ironic."

-"What did you fuckers do with my previous body??"
"Which one was it? There were so many corpses this adventure.."

-Transparent mutants are apparently Bill the Elf fans; on account of how both they and Bill are almost universally despised.
"Wait, are you Bill the Elf??"
"...depends who's asking?"

-"that Cold Mutant is the fucking Fishman somehow! I'm telling you, he switched bodies, like Bill supposedly did!"
"Maybe the Fishman was working for Sezrekhan all along?"
"Could that be one of the powers of Ekim's Mystical Mask?"

-"Shebubu" the Ack'basha cultist of course thinks Bill is the 'evil one'. He and the Cold Mutant squabble. Bill doesn't really give a fuck.


-The party moves on and finds an elaborate chest, which turns out to be trapped. Morris tries very delicately to disarm and open it. But the Shit Disturber accuses the whole party of cowardice and breaks the chest open, activating the explosive fire trap.  Incredibly, in spite of having only 4 Luck, he survives it.

-The chest contains a variety of riches, and a mysterious key.
"I was the one who opened the chest, so I'm the one who should get the stuff inside."
"I agree, and also I'm going to be staying the fuck away from you."

-"I'm not a selfish person.."
"You killed half the party just to avoid a shadow!"

-"There's a lot of fucking division in this party. I blame G.O.D."
"I blame the guy who killed half the party!"

-the group then finds their way into a ritual chamber which contains a portal to the demiplane of Blood & Fire. Unfortunately, a hideous bloody flaming creature that looks like a cross between a triceratops and a flying insect comes through the gate and attacks!
"Look out a..."
"A tricerawasp!"

-the Tricerawasp manages to kill the incredibly unlucky shit-disturber.

-"I'll throw a jug of rum at the tricerawasp!"
"Your alcoholic PC is turning in his grave."

-"Use your Word of Command: Shit spell!"
"No, it'll shit fire or something!"

-"You hit it with your lute-axe. Now your lute-axe is on fire"
"I rock out!"


-(whispered) "My lute has burned up... I'll have to become a vocalist"

The demon of the Plane of Blood and Fire, Bill Ward-Portals the hell out of the gateway. Now the PCs just have to find out how to get out of these caves and back up to the Demon Mecha before the Duke of Abstinence gets to it. They are still divided between whether they want to try to make it work, or just destroy it and beat the Duke in some other fashion.

Stay tuned for more DCC greatness!


Currently Smoking: Neerup Poker + C&D's Bailey's Front Porch
Title: DCC Campaign Log
Post by: RPGPundit on October 23, 2017, 04:21:42 PM
DCC Backstage: The Backstagening pt. 5.0

Ready for some more inane chatter from my DCC group?  Lately, the campaign has been so good, and the conversation about it between sessions so non-stop, that I can't really keep up.  Here's a slightly edited version of the last while.

Chu/Shebubu: I don't remember Bill finally accepting his trans-racialness but I am OK with it.


Bill: By now Bill does not give a fuck about his looks, unless he gets to be an elf again.  And even then, bill will probably not give a fuck. Right now Bill just wants his staff and to know who the fuck is the wizard guy in the nether zone and bring him back. And that's just grazing the idea that bill ever gave a fuck about anything after ted's death.

Chu/Shebubu: Well, he did have a gigantic hate boner for, Sandy, Dr Theobald and Akbasha.

Morris: And destroying Tholia, don't forget that.

Chu/Shebubu: Nah, Bill just goes to places and fucks them up, He just left Tholia in the backburner.

Morris: But that's a problem, because if we kill that 1000th minotaur, that weird wizard will be immortal.

Bill: Hate and giving a fuck is different.

Morris: And that's immoral... because *?

Chu/Shebubu: Eh, it doesn't really matter if he is or isn't immortal.

Bill: Immortal and unkillable is very different.

Morris: I don't want to accomplish his fucking dream

Chu/Shebubu: I mean if we really cared about people with immortality we would go and try to stop the Snake King in the southern continent so he would stop cutting the heads of kings.

Morris: What the actual fuck?

Bill: That's still a thing?


Bill: We could totally do that after Coolland.

Chu/Shebubu: Who knows, it has been like 2 months since the last information we got from him, but sadly, I don't think anyone that knew about him is alive.

Bill: We could go places and be like a pacifying force.

Morris: Meh, I can wait, killing spontaneous minotaurs is fun.

Bill: Especially when not being the minotaur's main target.

Morris: I mean, if we stop these minotaurs.. I'll miss them.

Chu/Shebubu: Yeah, I think we should leave the minotaurs for now until we solve the Bill staff thing, which would send us to that convocation where we will probably fuck everything up again.

Morris: I'm sure

Chu/Shebubu: I actually forgot about asking Palombo.

Morris: Yay fucking everything up is fun!

Drunken Master/Axe-Bard: fucking everything up is not what we want, but it's what we do.

Chu/Shebubu: Yep, byproduct of our adventures.

Morris: Hey, yes I want

Bill: Collateral Damage. You don't make an omelette without breaking eggs.

Morris: Unless your eggs are already broken. I only have on testicle left thanks to the minotaurs.

Chu/Shebubu: They haven't really hit you at all.

Morris: Not after meeting you.

Bill: Well, smart-pants guerrilla. You don't make an omelette without scrambling them eggs!

Morris: You are my meat shields. I mean, best friends!

Bill: Someone wants the warrior to take his remaining testicle...

Morris: That's... that's fair enough.

Bill: That might turn down your sex drive a bit and make you less creepy. And would add a safety against halfling attacks.  We would have a eunuch in the party, which we never had so far.  Yeah fuck it, let's castrate the thief.

Chu/Shebubu: More diversity in the party is better. :D

Bill: If you become only a small percentage as smart as Varis, Tholia has no chance! I'm sure we can crowd fund your complete castration, imagine all the likes you would get back at the capital of cooland.



Currently Smoking: Brigham Anniversary Pipe + Image Latakia

(October 22, 2016)
Title: DCC Campaign Log
Post by: RPGPundit on October 24, 2017, 02:48:17 PM
DCC Backstage: The Backstagening 5.5!
The second part of the epic back-room conversation going on among the players of my spectacular DCC campaign! Check it out:

Morris: Just imagine... a conversation between Chu & Whoom.

Bill: Nightmare.

Fishman/Hoom: Hoom.

Chu/Shebubu: Hoom? You know, your mutant.

Morris: Hoom? Your character!

Fishman/Hoom: Keep doing it. I'll have my revenge.

Chu/Shebubu: You should chill, my friend.


Morris: I don't know what happened to you but I can certainly try to help you in taking your revenge or whatever.

Chu/Shebubu: Well, what happens, happens it's all in His great plan.

Fishman/Hoom: You fucking deserve each other.

Morris: It was my great plan, yeah.

Chu/Shebubu: Yep, we are both humans, he's my Hugga.

Morris: Oh, you mean... forget it.

Fishman/Hoom: I said "fucking deserve" not "deserve fucking".

Chu/Shebubu: Man, way to ruin dreams.

(Pundit added Dwarven Kidnapper to the Conversation)

Pundit: I'll note I think someone left a bag of dice at my place.

Fishman/Hoom: Does it look like it was ripped by a Halfling?  No, I have mine kangaroo's scrotum in my bag.

Drunken Master/Axe-bard: is it black? maybe it's mine

Pundit: Possibly. I don't remember now. Too lazy to check. If your dice are missing, they're the ones that are here.

Drunken Master/Axe-Bard: I'm too lazy to check right now too.  We will figure it out some time, when I need them and I don't have them.

Fishman/Hoom: IT'S A LAZY-OFF

Pundit: Mainly for Dwarven Kidnapper: This is the very long thread from theRPGsite with the archive of past adventures. It's not obligatory reading, but if you want to look feel free. The archive only keeps a record of adventures played up to one full year ago.

And for a more updated glimpse at stuff that happened very recently in the campaign, here's the last two gaming logs:
"DCC Campaign: No Cleric Can Fix What's Wrong With Me ("

"DCC Campaign: We're Injury Besties ("

Dwarven Kidnapper: ok, i'll read it, thanks. Is this Axe-Bard's Lute-Axe?

Bill: We totally need to Mend that luteaxe.

Dwarven Kidnapper: aye, you're right my witty companion, that's an axe who must be fixed.

Chu/Shebubu: Who is going to fix it?

Bill: Bill.

Chu/Shebubu: Oh, right, you could do that. Like reverse-destroy things.

Bill: Yes. And I roll a D24 for mending.  Need to get one year in the fire plane or the magic plane to increase affinity.

Dwarven Kidnapper: If u let me "take with me" a fine dwarven lass i could wait 1 year...

Bill: Wanna come with to the fire or magic plane?

Dwarven Kidnapper: a fire dwarf who throws fire axes would be nice to be, could i become one there?

Bill: Not that I can think of, you would need some magical type of fire axe.

Chu/Shebubu: G.O.D. always finds a way.

Dwarven Kidnapper: maybe if next time we got ourselves a demon couldn't we try to capture it and use it... i don't know perhaps doing some weird soul magic thingy and make it a fire demon axe? it's that a possibility?

Chu/Shebubu: Nah. You need to know how to make magic swords.

Bill: and guess who is the only one even near that level of wizardry? But does not have the spell...

Chu/Shebubu: And either way, I am not going to go and feed him and take it out to walks.

Bill: Exactly.

Dwarven Kidnapper: A demon pet sounds nice...

Bill: we already have a potential high maintenance demon idol; plus a demon pet, sounds very expensive. Vet, food, chip, toys, flee medicine, rabies shots, all that stuff. And washing, who will wash a fire demon? I know I'm not!

Dwarven Kidnapper: We could get more people to do it for us! I know a way or two.. it's easy. And cheap!

Bill: if we get one, he is all yours, but if he turns on you, I'm gonna be obliged to say: I told you so.

Chu/Shebubu: And then again I am the only one that can potentially bind it if I ever get to level 3, But then again, I am probably going to die around the next 30 minutes If I continue the Goodie-two-shoes cleric act.

Bill: I never killed any cleric, just for his personality...Actually, I never killed a cleric, period

Chu/Shebubu: Not saying you.

Bill: Well, there seems to be a very murderous thief among us. Are you referring to him?

Chu/Shebubu: Two to be exact.

Bill: Oh yeah, the sniper thief. But I doubt that one wants to kill you just for being a cleric.

Chu/Shebubu: He wants to kill because he haves no chill : ^)
Doesn't matter, loving this cleric either way.

Bill: and as a standard, clerics are quite annoying as fuck.

Fishman/Hoom: Related to your last article:

That's it for today! Stay tuned for more later.


Currently Smoking: Lorenzetti Poker + Solani Aged Burley Flake

(24 October 2016)
Title: DCC Campaign Log
Post by: RPGPundit on November 01, 2017, 01:48:20 AM
DCC Campaign Update: Could I Negotiate With Someone a Little Less Stupid?

As of last session, our PCs were in the caves below the temple of the Lord of Blood and Fire. They had found (and "mended") the giant magical battle mecha in the form of the aforementioned Daemon, and had gone down into the cave to try to find the specific gems that they believe powered the mecha.


But they'd had a pretty bad time down there, with the death of several of their key members (Chu, the Drunken Master, and the Fishman wizard); most of them killed due to the fault of Morris the Creep. However, their numbers were quickly replaced by a cleric from the cult of Ackbasha named Shebubu, a bard with an axe-lute who can't speak above a whisper, and a guy named Whoom that is knows he's the new PC of the player who formerly played the Fishman. They'd just finished taking out a demonic monster from the demiplane of Blood and Fire, and sealed the gate to that demiplane (at least, temporarily, using Ward Portal).


-"Bill won't die by accident. Only through his own stupidity, or the effort of someone (let's face it, probably the other PCs) to actively try to kill him"

-"Where's Shebubu?"
"His player didn't come today."
"What the fuck are you talking about, Whoom?"
"Never mind"
"Anyways, I'm sure he'll turn up"
"The other 0-level guy that came with the Whisperbard is gone too you know, now that Whisperbard is lv.1"
"huh? you talk weird"

-Morris: "Did someone die last time?"
"What the fuck?! You really just said that??"

-"I look forward to seeing a conversation between the Whisperbard and Bolt-0! A dude who can't speak above a whisper and a robot who can't modulate the tone of his own voice..."

-"I don't cast Mend that often. Usually we only break things."

-"Bill wants to commit genocide on the radioactive mutants?"
"But... you ARE a radioactive mutant!"
"Only temporarily"


-"Who has Chu's bag?"
"You do?"
"Whoom's bag are you talking about?"
"You fuckers."

-"I have no idea who has the bag."
"Bill, you're holding it in plain sight!"

-"I want to destroy the idol!"
"Me too!"
"Whoa... are you some kind of mind reader or something?"


-"These idiots want to use the Idol to destroy Tholia! It's not even on the same continent! How would we even get there?"
"What's a tholia?"
"We call it Minotauria"
"Is that a land full of Minotaurs?"
"Exactly! That's why they should have called it Minotauria!"

-Suddenly, the party suffers another random minotaur attack!
"From minotauria?"
"There's no place called that!"
Fortunately, the party had sequester up, which meant this particular minotaur immolated himself in 1/6th of a combat round.
"See? That's why we want to keep being attacked by minotaurs! Easy XP!"


-The party has to get back up to the mecha idol, and Morris, who was responsible for wrecking the lift and killing half the party, is drafted to be the one to climb the 200' cable to the top.
"Can't someone go with me??"
Whisperbard: "I can go right behind you, and shout down to the others if you get attacked by the shadow monster"

-The party decides to rest the night before the climb.
"Ok, the password for the new sequester is 'Chu'".
"How many?"
"There's Chu passwords?"

-"The wizard Nikos and I are pals!"
"I love that you think that."
"Didn't he kill your brother Ted? And wasn't that what drove you insane and turned you into history's greatest monster?"
"That's like the Joker being grateful to Batman for making him what he is."

-"Someone needs to keep watch."
"I'll keep watch you guys."
"Oh great. Now someone needs to stay up to keep an eye on Morris while he keeps watch."


-Half the party has taken to whispering back when the whisperbard talks to them.
"Stop whispering, you fucks!"

-"So it's decided: we're going to do on purpose what we usually do unintentionally... fuck everything up!"


-It turns out the Shadow-beast is still in the sequester-area of the engine room. It tries to attack.  Whisperbard throws Bill (in a Colossus/Wolverine "fastball special" style) up into the room but he ends up falling flat on his face.

-Whoom climbs into the room, but forgets to say the password to enter the sequester and ends up brutally self-immolating!
Note: this was after all the players were just reminded of the password, and after a lengthy discussion with Bill's Player about whether or not he needed to say the password. There was literally NO excuse for Whoom's player forgetting to say the password literally two minutes after all this.

(the rest of the party had this reaction):


-"Whoom the Self-Aware was self-aware of everything except how not to catch fire."

-"Well, Whoom's death marks the end of the self-aware characters."
"Thank god!"

-"Whoom failed his luck check. He's definitely dead."
"Morris is going to neck-stab him a few times, just in case."

-Once the Shadow-creature is destroyed, the PCs put Whoom to rest by kicking his corpse down the shaft into the cave.
"Goodnight, sweet prince!"
"He'll be missed... whatever his name was."

-Getting back to the temple, they of course find Wally the Airdale Terrier/Scout with three newbie 0-level PCs: A Mutant Mutant-Hunter (with psychic powers), a Mutant Equestrian (with a horse named "buttercup"), and a Dwarven Rat-Catcher.

-"Do we really want to join this party?  We may get cancer from the radiation mutant!"
"Oh please, none of you are going to live long enough to die of cancer!"

-"Man, I thought your Mutant-hunter was going to be like a bounty hunter or something, not a fucking degenerate."

-"This mutant-hunter is a freaking creep, but he may or may not be worse than Morris."

-"this forest was created by G.O.D.! So I say we burn it to the ground."

-There's a weird feature to the world of the Last Sun: there's lots of normal animals who can talk, and lots who can't.  There isn't really any visible difference between the two, until one starts talking.


-"If my horse can't talk, and goes through the sequester but I call out the password as I ride it through, it won't catch fire, right?"
"well, you can't be sure."

-The PCs decide to hold out in the temple, and to attract the Duke of Abstinence and his army of orcs, they start banging on their shields and making noise. The Whisperbard plays his axe-lute.

-Some Orcs do show up, but they're zombie orcs. They die crossing the sequester. The PCs light their corpses on fire in the hopes the smoke will attract the Duke.

-Instead, a Minotaur appears!  The Psychic Mutant Mutant-Hunter tries to use his "dominate" power to control the Mutant, but the cost is so high it leaves him completely paralyzed.
"The Mutant gimped himself!"

-Night falls.
"During his watch, Morris stares creepily at all the other PCs while they sleep."


-In the morning, the Mutant Equestrian wakes up to see a huge army of orcs assembled outside the temple.
"Guys!! This is important, wake up! Hurry!"
"Do any of you have a horse-brush on you?"

-"Attention, scum!"
"I think they're talking to us..."

-The Duke is somewhere in the forest, surrounded by 300 orc mercenaries.

-"Could I negotiate with someone a little less stupid?"
"I don't think that's possible."

-Attempts at negotiation fail, and Bill decides to fuck it all and maxes out on a Cloudkill spell. He kills two-thirds of the orcish army in one round.

-The Dwarven Rat-Catcher is killed by a hail of arrows, and Bill is somewhat injured.

-"Can you heal me, cleric?"
"Fine, but only because you're going to kill a shitload of G.O.D.'s creatures!"
"Just like Ack'basha used to!"

-"Did we leave anyone alive in the forest?"
"Dude, even the birds are dead."


-Suddenly, there's yet another minotaur attack!  Bill sacrifices his last remaining magic sword to regain his Magic Missile spell, and then fails his roll, accomplishing nothing.

-"G.O.D. damn it! Literally!"
Zabaz the God-hating cleric manages to delay the minotaur with "Word of Command: Shit", allowing the newbies to make short work of him.

-"At this point there's been so many minotaur attacks that when I open the DCC book it flips naturally to the 'minotaur' entry."


-The next day, when the PCs are triumphantly returning to Gaga City, there's another minotaur attack. Bill injures it with a magic missile and promptly vanishes to the Neutral Zone. The minotaur gores the Whisperbard right through the heart.  Tragically, the whisperbard has died!

-Bill finds the transparent mutant pirate (now a 1st level wizard) in the Neutral Zone.
"How the hell did he end up there??"
"He became a little TOO transparent"

-The people of Gaga were forewarned by their bird-based social networking that the PCs were arriving, and they greet their heroes with a huge party. The PCs learn they are to be guests of honor at Queen Zoey's ceremonial pole-dance.

-The wizard Palombo is there too. He only has a small library but promises Bill (and the transparent wizard) that they can use it.

-Harembe (Queen Zoey's apeman bodyguard) is there too, having just arrived from Highbay.


-When rewards are being handed out, the mutant equestrian gets in line, hoping no one will notice that he wasn't with the original party that set out.
"Your highness, I would like to be one of your knights!"
"I'm sorry, who are you?"

-In a surprising act of party fraternity, the other PCs insist that the equestrian was crucial to the party's success, so Zoey knights him anyway.

-"After what you have done for my kingdom, you are all welcome to stay here as long as you like! Or until you become unpopular."
"So.. not long then?"

That's it for this week. We'll see how long the PCs manage to keep up their heroic reputation in Coolland. Will they turn a corner and start being good guys? Or is this just a temporary blip in an otherwise perfect career thus far of fucking everything up beyond belief?
Stay tuned to find out!


Currently Smoking: Lorenzetti Poker + Solani Aged Burley Flake

(November 1, 2016)
Title: DCC Campaign Log
Post by: RPGPundit on November 18, 2017, 05:03:10 AM
DCC Campaign Update: The Fire Vampire doesn't have a Twitter account

Our heroes, having defeated the Duke of Abstinence's orcish army, were welcomed to Coolland as conquering heroes, and invited by it's new Queen, Zoey Half-Elven, to stay for "as long as they like, or until they become unpopular".


-"Do you think we can stay here for two weeks?"
"I doubt we'll be able to stay popular for two weeks."

-"We've lost sight of Morris. We're probably going to be unpopular in days."

-"So Bill wants to sequester himself with Palombo inside his room with him for two weeks?"
"It's not weird!"

-Coolland's court wizard, Palombo, does not belive in daemon patrons: "too high a price to pay, I always said"
"Yeah, Look at me! I used to look like an Elf. Now I'm a radioactive mutant."

-"Can't these random minotaur attacks you suffer be stopped at the source?"
"Well, they could, but they're good from time to time"
"All your friends are dead."
"Sure.. but I'm not."
"Ah, so they're good for YOU."

-As it proves impossible to avoid the risk of random minotaur attacks, Bill and the others are forced to camp out in the field of fluffy bunnies, outside Gaga (Coolland's capital city).
"Palombo, can I take your rare magical encyclopedia with me?"
"Come on!"
"Nah, on second thought, never mind. I'll never get around to reading it anyways."

-The party members that haven't wandered off on their own (so really just Bill, and the Transparent Mutant Wizard named Bunda), set up a tent for themselves in the field, and Bill starts trying to study to obtain the Locate Object spell.

-Shebubu the Cleric shows up; he'd moved away from the group down in the caves under the temple of the Lord of Blood and Fire, and when he came back the group had left him behind. He finally managed to get out and made it back to Gaga.
"Where's Morris?"
"We don't know, off creeping somewhere."
"That's too bad.. I kind of like it when someone watches me while I sleep."

-"You know, Gaga is full of weirdos. I saw we never go back."

-"We'll stay here while Mr.Bill studies his spell"
"Please, just call me Bill"
"Yes, Bill, sir!"

-Then, a trio of female newbies arrive, looking to join the famous heroes: a boatswine, a hipster elf artisanal candle-maker (her candles don't work), and a halfling sniper.


-" you guys have that sequester thing on that will kill me?"
"No, but if you did, you wouldn't be able to tell"

-"So, can we join your group?"
"You... WANT to join us?"
"They're all surprised about this because usually 0-level newbies have to be kidnapped into joining this group"

-The applicants are interviewed.
"Is your morality... flexible? Like, if you needed to destroy an entire city, would you be cool with that?"
"It depends on the city."
"...OK, you're in."

-"I'm still confused. Do they really want to join us?? Are you sure they aren't some kind of illusion??"

-"I'll use my clerical power to detect lies, to make sure they're not some kind of trap for us!"

-"My boatswine is really quiet. She doesn't like to talk."
"That's pretty smart for a Boatswine. Usually when they talk everyone hates them."

-"Shebubu, take them to the city, gear them up, and above all bring back the receipts!"

-"Oh, we don't sell weapons in Gaga's market. This city is a Safe Space and weapons are triggering!"


-Shebubu and the newbies try to see if they can get some weapons from the palace.  It turns out they had forgotten that the people of Coolland really like Elves; in part because the Royal Family claims to be descended from them.  Emily the elf is immediately invited to meet Queen Zoey.

-She's introduced to the Queen as "Ambassador Emily of the Transparent Dome".  Queen Zoey is of course happy to give her "elven kin" anything she needs, and invites her to a 'vegan dinner' that night.

-Harembe takes the PCs aside after the audience: "Alright, who are you really??"
"Well, I'm a cleric.."
"No cleric would join Bill the elf of their own free will!"
"He forced me."
"...that checks out."

-"well, he is a cleric, he wouldn't lie about x" is rapidly becoming Shebubu's motto.

-Harembe warns Emily that whatever she does, she should not question Zoey's claims of elven descent, and she should not question the "veganness" of the meal.

-Harembe goes to check on Bill: "So these people just WANTED to join you?"
"I know, it surprised us too. If it's a trap, they're only asking for trouble by joining us anyways!"

-At the royal dinner, Emily quickly realizes the "Vegan" beef is actually just beef.

-"I have a present for you, your majesty.. It's a BFF candle."
"Omigod! This is so awesome! I never had a BFF before! Actually, I never even had an 'F' before..."
Emily gets the feeling Queen Zoey leads a lonely existence.


-The Transparent Wizard realizes his "lesser rune" spell allows him to make a permanent "sleep" rune on a stone. Obviously, he makes one.


-Suddenly, another Minotaur attack! This minotaur is dressed as a fast-food restaurant employee.  The Transparent Wizard tries the sleep rune, and it works!

-Bill fails his second Sequester spell in a row; and now he's got a phobia of silk (along with his previous phobias for iron and frogs).

-Shebubu goes back to town, trying to set up a tour service for people to pay 1sp to come see Bill the Elf studying magic! He gets a lot of customers, but they get bored pretty quick, and he ends up with 14 'dislikes'. Then the Transparent Wizard scares them off.

-Another minotaur attack! The 0-levels are surprisingly effective. Espeically Yarr the halfling sniper, who takes the Minotaur down with a critical.

-"If the Minotaurs are after you, why don't you disguise yourself?"
"the minotaurs are drawn to me naturally"
"Like to a cow in heat?"
"Minotaurs aren't attracted to cows! Are you attracted to monkeys? ...Actually, don't answer that."

-Suddenly, a Minotaur appears! This one as a SWAT minotaur.
"Oh fuck you!!"
Bill gets a natural 20 on Control Fire; meaning he's wreathed in magical fire, surrounded by a wall of fire, and has eight spears made of pure fire.
The minotaur sees that too: "Oh, fuck me...."

-"Unfortunately, now your tent is on fire. And all the magic books you got off Palombo"
"God damnit!! Can I try to rescue some of them?"
"How are you going to do that, grab them? You're on fire too!"

-"Try to save the books, Shebubu!"
"No, I'll use the power of G.O.D. to save them!"
He summons up a tiny breeze that does nothing except help the fire to spread.
"The power of G.O.D. sucks!"


-"I knew it was only a matter of time hanging out with Bill before a book burning would happen"

-The Newbies and Shebubu decide to fuck off to town rather than keep hanging around with Bill, who is just too dangerous to their health.

-"Bill are you going to somehow stop the fire from consuming the whole valley of fluffy bunnies?"


-The PCs arrive at the palace.
"Harembe is called up by the guards, so he comes to the palace door. It's late at night so instead of his armor he's dressed only in his normal robe... well, a giant ape robe"


-Queen Zoey finds out about Emily being there, and decides this is a great time for a slumber party.
"Can Shebubu stay too? He's my spiritual advisor."
"Cool! Can you do my horoscope?"
"What sign are you?"
"The hippogriff".
"Oh, well then everything will... go really well for you."

-"is that all he does?"
"We could play a game of spiritual truth or dare!"
" is that different from normal Truth or Dare?"
"It's like that, but with Word of Command"

-"well.. ok."
"Truth or dare?"
"Who do you dislike the most? (Word of Command!)"
"I really don't like Shebubu."

-Harembe suddenly bursts in, kicking the door open "Who used magic???"
"The cleric made me tell him how I don't like him."
"What the fuck is wrong with you??"
"Nothing... I'm really just a shitty cleric."

-Just then, the palace receives a report: apparently the only other town of any significant size in Coolland, Minaj, is being harassed by some kind of hideous monster.
"We could probably deal with that. It's ugly so it's ok to kill it, right?"
"What? No, not just for being ugly! But it does sound like it's also intolerant."

-Bill tries to contact Sezrekhan:
"Hello, this is Sezrekhan! I can't respond to your contact at this time, but if you leave a message after the tone, I'll get back to you.. if I care! *BEEP*"

-Bill takes advantage of his entering the Neutral Zone every time he casts magic missile, to try to find out more about the wizard he saw there, Alamabus.
"See, I cast magic missile and that makes me go to this place where nothing can happen to me, but I can't happen to anyone."
"We all dream of being in a world where Bill doesn't happen."

-The party heads on the road to Minaj, being guided there by their former companion Wally, the talking Airedale Terrier. Bill finally makes a really effective Sequester spell. Unfortunately, in the middle of the night some guy dies horribly immolated when he enters by accident.
"Who the hell was that?"
"who cares?"

-They run into an old peasant woman, armed with a shovel, who gives them odd warnings about Vampires; named Fire Vampires.

-"There's two thing you must know about Fire Vampire!"
"yeah, we know what comes next already."

-"So there's a Fire Vampire coming to kill Bill?"
"Where does it come from?"
"It come from plane of blood and fire!"
"And it's made of fire?"
"In plane of blood and fire there are things of blood, and things of fire, and things mixed."

-"What's your name, old woman?"
"I am Elsa."
"Wait... Elsa from Mt. Parnassus??"
"Holy shit, I met her. It's me, Elsa. I have a new body now but I'm Bill the Elf!"
"Yes, Elsa remember now. You leave Elsa to die at hands of minotaur."
"Well.. you made it out though, right?"
"Da. But Minotaur destroy Esla's tent. Now Elsa is vampire hunter."


-So how are you going to kill the Fire Vampire, Elsa?"
"Elsa has shovel."

-The PCs reach Minaj, and Bill is further shocked to discover that the "monster" that has been plaguing the town is none other than Priscilla! The former Queen of the Grey Realms, Priscilla looks like a cross between this:


and this:


-After a minotaur encounter, Shebubu tries to heal Elsa but fails and gets Disapproval.
"G.O.D. will not help us. Only shovel will help us!"

-"Say, mr. night-watchman, would you by chance be interested in becoming a follower of G.O.D.?"
"G.O.D. didn't help that old woman.."
"Yes, but that's because she's a gypsy or something!"

-"Can I try to send Priscilla one of those bird messages?"
"Yes, but it can't be more than 140 characters. There's also messenger frogs that let you send up to 300 characters, but no one uses them."


-Priscilla wants Bill to send her back to the Grey Realms so she can retake her throne. She warns that she has something she calls "The Device", which she'll use if she doesn't get her way. It turns out "the Device" is some kind of massive bomb she found in the bunker she's been living in.

-"OK, Priscilla, so let's say we get you back to the Grey Realm; you threaten everyone that you'll blow them to kingdom come if you don't get back your throne.. how will you keep it after that?"
"With the device, dumbass!"
"But you can't exactly just stay by it all the time. You'll have to sleep eventually, won't you? How will you stop them from taking it away from you and dethroning you again?"
"Well.. i... Fuck You!! I'm sick of this! I just want to be fucking Queen again and not have to live in the fucking woods!"

-"No dudes, Priscilla's right, you're way overthinking this."
"You would say that, Bill. Your idea of a sophisticated plan is getting to the roof and throwing grenades around."
"he's never going to live that one down."
"I still say it was a good plan"


-Suddenly, there's a minotaur attack. And at that moment, the Fire Vampire strikes! Bill gets hurt very badly, and uses Magic Missile to escape to the Neutral Zone.

-Priscilla bites the Fire Vampire!
"How the hell do you bite a vampire made of fire??"


-"So is the fire vampire going to die?"
"Hell yeah, bitch! Well, unless it's immune. But if not, it's totally gonna die!"
"How soon?"
"In like a week."
"Fuck's sake."

-The minotaur is slain, and the Fire Vampire disappears in a puff of smoke.
"Did we kill it?"
"Nyet. Fire Vampire target is Bill the Elf."
"So if Bill is gone, it won't attack the rest of us?"

-Bill is getting pretty freaked out by all this, so he ends up calling Sezrekhan over and over again until he finally gets him instead of his answering machine.
"I don't have time for you now! I am unraveling the very mysteries of the universe! Soon ALL will be ME!!"

-"We could just try to get out of here. The Fire Vampire can't teleport, so even if it can follow your scent or whatever, if we Planar Step far enough away, it'll buy us a lot of time."
"I'm sick of planar stepping. I always keep planar stepping into bathrooms."

-"You clerics are all pervs! Don't think that just because you got into my good books that means you're gonna get any of this hot body, bitch!"
"Are you hot for Priscilla, Shebubu?"
"Well, I do have really low standards."

-"Cleric could use power of G.O.D. to send away Fire Vampire, if Cleric not suck so bad."
"Sadly, Shebubu does suck so bad."

-"Wait, were you the one who sent that message bird to me?"
"Uh huh!"
"Oh, that was really nice! Also, the bird was delicious."

-The PCs try to send a message bird to negotiate with the Fire Vampire, but it just circles around for a bit then returns.
"The Fire Vampire doesn't have a Twitter account, I guess."

-"I could just make a really good sequester.."
"You mean that spell where you have a fire trap, against the Fire vampire?"
"Oh shit."
"The Lord of Blood and Fire doesn't fuck around. He really knows just what to send against Bill."

-"OK, so let's go get Priscilla's Device and--"
"So you want us to go near a massive explosive device, with the Fire Vampire around?"
"Fuck's sake!"

-"We should contact the palace and let them know we beat the grey monster"
Priscilla: "What grey monster?"

-"Hey Wally, have you by chance ever been baptized into the faith of G.O.D.?"
"No! I do not like baths."


-"Look, I still think we should just planar step far away."
"That doesn't solve anything though; it might take him a long time to find us, but sooner or later the Fire Vampire would catch up!"
"Yeah, but that's a problem for Future Us!"
"That's how you got into this mess in the first place! You make a shitload of enemies, go away, forget about them, and then they all show up at once like in this stupid adventure!"

-"Where could we even run to? Aside from Coolland, everyone hates us everywhere we've ever been."

-The Transparent Wizard remembers he comes from a community of outcast Transparent Mutants who idolize Bill: "We could go to my village!"

-"We could go to Tholia and give the bomb to the rebels!"
"Yeah, that totally wouldn't end well."

-"We could go south!"
"This party always ends up 'going south', sooner or later."

-"I've been thinking... Ok."
"You just said "OK" like you solved something. You haven't."

-"So how could you get rid of the minotaur problem?"
"Well, we could get rid of all the minotaurs. Or all their underwear."

-"So what's the damn plan??"
"Nothing. We stick around and kill the vampire. Or more likely, wait around until the vampire kills Bill."


And at at that point, the session having hit its time limit, and the party being totally out of ideas of what the fuck to do, we decided to end for the day, and at least give the players a couple of weeks to come up with a plan.
I have every confidence, knowing them, that they won't actually come up with anything, and will just solve things the way they usually do: utterly disastrous half-assed improvization.

Stay tuned for more exciting DCC adventures!


Currently Smoking: Mastro De Paja Rhodesian + Image Virginia

(November 17, 2016)
Title: DCC Campaign Log
Post by: RPGPundit on November 20, 2017, 01:52:46 AM
DCC Campaign: The Backstagening Pt. VI
Here's some more of the transcript of our backstage conversations from my DCC campaign (dating from the last couple of sessions):

Shebubu: Oh, Whoom an heroed himself.

Hoom/Equestrian: Someone WAS going to die for not saying the password. Turned out to be him.
But besides the self-awareness, nothing of value was lost. He was a level 1, and had the worst stats i've ever seen in a character.

Shebubu: Welcome to death by Bill town, Population 2 PCs and countless civilizations.

Hoom/Equestrian: It used to be a nice town, but lately minotaurs started moving in.

Pundit: "The minotaurs are easy xp" does not seem to be a theory that's working out well for you guys.

Shebubu: Well, I (Chu) didn't die because of a minotaur, I died because of bullshit demon poison.

Hoom/Equestrian: Mercury poisoning.
You should have cooked Losha better.

Pundit: From a quote on theRPGsite: "well, in the campaign I'm planning on running, Bill the Elf will be a god / patron..."

I'm looking fw to know what are his spells, taints and background story
The germans have a word for what this party does all the time:

too bad the #creepyjuggler won't be coming tomorrow.

Morris: if the team stays in the town, I will be juggling in the creepiest ways, disrupting houses to cuddle people, and that kind of shit

Pundit: Hope we'll see you next time.

Bill: well, if we stay, we can't promise that the city will still be in one piece or even exist.
and if you are not there tomorrow, that means that it's gonna be a bunch of level 1 and 0 and Bill
and even in his best mood and behavior, that does not sounds like it's any likely to have a good outcome
too bad you will miss the royal pole dance.

Shebubu: Did Zabaz die?

Bill: nope.

Shebubu: Fuck.

Bill: Still alive and probably cursing that he is.


Bill: I guess you have to make time to come.


Bill: So is Shebubu coming today?

Shebubu: I am going. We are only missing the Equestrian and Morris.

Bill: So the creep and and the creepy.

Equestrian: Hoooooorseeees

Dwarven Kidnapper: Sorry guys, I'm not going today.

Morris: woooooh

Bill: Darn.

Morris: If Morris is not going, nobody goes. Nobody wants to skip the chance of killing me.

Bill: 4 of us are already here.

Morris: Doh.

Pundit: Good session. No one died. Except Bill's sense of security.

Bill: Damn Fire Vampire.

Morris: No one died, because I wasn't there.

Bill: We might be passing by Tholia pretty soon.

Morris: WWEEH

Shebubu: Bill finally found his equal.

Bill: I need to talk to Pertinax and see what's going on with the lord of blood and fire
If there is such a thing, first time we hear of this fire vampire, Bill is pretty well known for all the wrong reasons.
Bill will be happy to have a shebubu nearby.
And fuck off to another far location...

Equestrian: NO ONE IS SAFE.

Bill: Massacre at Ice Dome Zero.
Or visit the Archemaster with his prize.

Equestrian: Can't we give him Priscilla?

Bill: Or get better, and kill the Duke and the vampire? Well Priscilla does fulfill the criteria required by the Archemaster.

Equestrian: Boom. Problem solved.

Bill: Boom, indeed it could be. And I believe You Know Who would be pretty happy to have that guy gone. They can be happy and dead. Then we sort out the Minotaur issue.

Equestrian: Don't we currently own a bomb? I mean, not us, but almost?

Bill: technically, yes.

Equestrian: Isn't it a BIG bomb?

Bill: Give the bomb to the rebels in Tholia.

Equestrian: I don't think that's a good idea.

Bill: It's supposed to be a big bomb, but knowing Priscilla it might just be a flare.

Equestrian: they might NOT use it. It would be easier to just drop the bomb in Minotauria and be done with it.

Bill: Agreed!
Might not be that easy.

Equestrian: Why not? Spell burn, reach Minotauria.

Bill: How does it work? Remote detonation? Timer?

Equestrian: Wait until you're full, spellburn, leave minotauria, sands bomb.

Bill: Planar Step to the roof of the palace and drop the bomb? That plan did not sound good with a grenade.

Equestrian: An idea worth considering, man.

Bill: Indeed. Fuck it, we might kill Pertinax in the process.

Equestrian: Maybe what we needed was VOLUME. Go atomic big or go home.

Bill: Go nuke or go home.
Or get the word out that those underpants will get you killed, and avoid the whole making another enemy.
Bullshit, that never works.

Equestrian: You know what the answer is. Plan A, man. Fuck shit up.

Bill: trojan nuke?

Equestrian: You are still over-complicating it. Just drop it, and be done with it.

Bill: I guess you're right. Keep it simple.

Equestrian: It'll be interesting to see if we kill the wizard before the 1000 minotaurs.

Bill: They need to be killed in battle; he made that clear. Just a general slaughter would not count, I offered to do that.

Equestrian: Then that's it. Remember when this party had a moral compass?

Bill: then the Archemaster. Then why the Lord of Blood and Fire as a beef with Bill. With Locate Object we might be able to find it.

Equestrian: You ARE one of the most powerful servants of Sezrekhan. He might have a beef with your boss.

Bill: Hmmm. But by now as a Daemon he must be aware of the phylactery, would it be just to annoy Sez.
Specially when Sez is studying the Libram of the Ten Spheres, after which he will be all and all will be him?

Equestrian: Look at you, trying to find the reasons of why things happen to us.
That vampire must have scared you quite a bit.
Is wittle ol' Bill scared of the big meanie vampire?

Bill: Or maybe because at the party at mount Parnassus he got the religious fantastic patron and the lord of b&f just got Friend-Zoned.
Bill dislikes frogs, silk and iron; "vampires" is not there yet on the list

Equestrian: Then be a man-elf and stop worrying so much.

Bill: First time Bill meets a fire vampire, and it tries to kill him, who apparently gets stronger around fire

Equestrian: If the Lord of Blood and Fire keeps pestering us, we'll just find a way to kill him.

Bill: So, no Sequester. No Control Fire.

Equestrian: From what I heard, it wouldn't be the first time this party kills a god.

Bill: Second.

Equestrian: And I could sure use the bump in luck.

Bill: Remember Tiamat?

Equestrian: Before my time. But I know about it.
We just need to get some morons to accompany you and not question the mission.
My current character would do quite nicely in the moron department.
So will Bunda.

Bill: Bunda did great
Yaaaar did great
Even Shebubu did great
Elsa did fantastic
And Priscilla did Priscilla
And Bill just happened

Equestrian: I can't take anyone named Bunda seriously.

Bill: He has aBUNDAnt skills.

Equestrian: Please don't.

Bill: Yarr right.

Equestrian: Good lord. I thought we were done with that when Hoom died!

Bill: never! it's probably the main reason people hate Bill.

Equestrian: I think it's all the genocide.

Bill: Genocide genocide. Potato potato.

Equestrian: I don't see how that phrase could have helped you in any possible way.

Bill: Most things Bill says don't help anyone.

Equestrian: Most things Bill does don't help anyone either.

Bill: Hmm.
I just realized, that the vampire might be after me because I closed the door back to his place and he cannot go back for a while, and maybe it has nothing to do with the lord of b&f or the duke.
And the tricerawasp was like his dog or pet something.
If Sez held a grudge for every time someone messed with his plans to make me do things for him
Straighten things up with the azure order might be the first step to towards redemption

Shebubu: Well, yes it would be, That you want to do it is another very different aspect of this conundrum.

Bill: It's a matter of pragmatism. You can add a Boromir meme: one does not merely hunt down Bill and get away with it.

Shebubu: Oh, I thought you meant this:

Bill: I guess that's a way to get rid of a fire vampire.

Stay tuned for more!


(November 18, 2016)
Title: DCC Campaign Log
Post by: RPGPundit on November 27, 2017, 01:04:26 AM
DCC Campaign Update: Into The Shithole!

When last we saw our stalwart PCs, they were being hunted by both the Minotaurs and a Fire Vampire. Or, more accurately, Bill the Elf was being hunted by both of these, and everyone else was being killed as innocent bystanders.


-"Hey Elsa, want to worship G.O.D.?"
"No. G.O.D. will be no help here. Only shovel is needed." (

-"Why not get G.O.D. and a shovel?"
"Adding G.O.D. as a superflous factor to an already complete formula does not justify G.O.D. existence!"

-"We should go to the Azure Tower. I have to make peace with the Azure Order, and then they'll help me."
"They won't help me! Those freak-wizards will all be like 'no you shouldn't make Priscilla queen of the Grey Lands again, she's too attractive!'"

-"we don't really need to help Priscilla."
"Fuck you, cleric! You guys, that cleric is a total perv! He tried to touch me in the rectory!"
"I did not!"
"yeah you did! And you probably have gonorrhea!"


-"Maybe we can find Morris. Priscilla, you'd probably like Morris."
"Is he rugged?"
"Not really. More like Creepy."
"So he's a cleric?"

-"Wally, you and Yarr should go back to Gaga. And take Priscilla with you, take her to Harembe."
"Is this Harembe rugged?"
"Actually.. yeah, probably."

-"We'll meet with Queen Zoey."
"She'll have to welcome me, because we're both beautiful princesses!"

-It was thus decided: half the party (the ones who didn't show up to this session) would return to Gaga with Wally the Airedale Terrier, and take Priscilla the grey-alien-chav with them to keep her out of trouble. Meanwhile, Bill and Shebubu would teleport to the Azure Tower to try to convince the Azure Wizards not to kill Bill and to help them with the Fire Vampire. And Elsa will probably go off hunting vampires on her own.

-Unfortunately, Bill fumbles his Planar Step spell-check, and Sezrekhan hijacks his trip. Bill is told by a clearly-more-insane-than-usual Sezrekhan that he has to find the High Council of Wizards and destroy them. Unfortunately, Sezrekhan doesn't know where their secret headquarters are found, but he has discovered that there's apparently a way to get to them, in the worst region of the entire world of the Last Sun... a place called "The Shithole".


-"Maybe it's not such a bad place, it just has an unfortunate name?"
"I doubt it."


-"Bill and Shebubu find themselves on a mountain overlooking a vast area of badlands, cracked earth, where almost nothing seems to grow."
"We might be in Australia."


-Meanwhile, Morris is in Gaga. He's been imprisoned as his excessive Creepiness has led him to go over the legal limit of his likes/dislikes ratio on Coolland's social media. Coolland's dungeons are full of people: creeps like Morris, but also ugly people, weird people, very old people, people who are depressed in uncool ways, and almost anyone else who isn't young and hip and chipper.
"And there it is! The Dystopian side of Coolland! I knew it was too nice to be true!"

-Jalludin the Rogue suddenly sneaks into Morris' cell, apparently right out of a shadowy corner!  He tells Morris that he needs to tell Bill that Sezrekhan has gone completely insane, and has to be stopped. Jalludin wants Bill's help.
"But how can I even get to Bill?"
"I'm going to stab you with the Dagger of Teleportation. It'll send you to him."
"Ok. Wait.. what do you mean the Dagger of--ARGHH!!"

-Morris suddenly appears, with a nasty stabbing injury, near to Bill and Shebubu, on the mountainside.
He barely manages to avoid plunging to his doom.
"The dagger isn't even very accurate!"

-"What the fuck happened to you?"
"I got stabbed!"
"You deserve everything that happens to you."

-Suddenly, a Minotaur appears on the mountainside, right near Bill.
"See? THAT'S accurate teleportation!"

-Bill shoots a magic missile at the minotaur, doing only 1hp damage, and slips off into the Neutral Zone. While there, he sees this great column of shadow off in the far distance, somewhere in the badlands of the Shithole.
"So, I can see it only here? Not in the, er, Normal Zone?"
"Oh please, like Bill is ever in the Normal Zone."

-Since Shebubu and Morris didn't actually attack the Minotaur, he doesn't attack them either. He's just furiously looking for the missing Bill. After they assure him they also hate Bill, he even talks with them. When they mention that the area below is The Shithole, the Minotaur explains that they're in the Southern Continent (somewhere to the south of Tholia), and that the Shithole, according to legend, is the place where the Dark Ones first broke out onto the surface world during the great disaster. According to legend, the center of the Shithole is the exact place where the Dark Ones emerged; and it is surrounded by three damned cities, two of which are in ruins.
"And the third?"
"It is a terrible city, known as Tijuana. The shittiest place on Earth."


-"These mountains, do they surround all of the Shithole?"
"Yes, they are probably artificial, created by great magic to try to hold back the Dark Ones."
"So... someone built a wall?"

-Bill comes back from the Neutral Zone and immediately kills the Minotaur.

-Morris reluctantly converts to G.O.D. so that Shebubu will heal him, but only after Bill convinces him.
"See, Shebubu? Even I'm better than you at your job."

-"Bill, Jalludin told me that Sezrekhan is crazy!"
"That's probably just because he's all jealous that I'm Sezrekhan's favorite now."

-"So wait, Jalludin 'stabbyported' you here?"

-Bill tells Morris (who was formerly a terrorist) about Priscilla apparently having a huge bomb.
"Morris gets aroused."

-"So this place is called the Shithole."
"Yup, and Bill's here. We're in a Shithole with an asshole!"

-The PCs half-reluctantly make their way down into the Shithole. Soon after, Morris feels something trembling under the ground.
"Oh shit guys, I think this is some kind of Tremors-type situation here!"
"I'm screaming very quietly."
"Awesome movie, though."


-Not wanting to know what's down there, the party takes to traveling by Levitation spells in one-hour bursts.

-That night, they rest with the protection of a Sequester spell. Some extremely primitive-looking mutants come charging at them and all immolate themselves.

-Continuing the next day, still floating along on a Levitation platform, the party (who were slightly unprepared for all this, missing a few minor supplies like WATER) spot a walled tropical garden in the middle of the cracked barren desert.
"Oh, that's not suspicious at all!"


-Morris climbs into the garden.
"Hey Morris, if all is clear, make a bird noise for us."
Morris then roots around the garden for a while, then comes back into the clearing and literally does this:

-"Why didn't you just say 'all clear'?"
"I don't know..."

-"Let's all go in. Morris goes first."
"I chose the wrong party."
"Too late, ese."

-The garden turns out to have spores that cause very slow-acting toxic poisoning.  By the time they get to the pool in the middle of the garden, saving throws are required. Bill passes out, but fortunately the other two manage to stay conscious, and for some reason drag him back out.
"We still need water."
"It's ok. I have an idea. Plants burn, right? And water won't."


-One hour and a Control Fire spell later, they've killed everything that lives in the garden, and get some water. Which is great, for now, but then they realize they have no waterskins, bottles, or any container of any kind other than a single small scroll-tube.

-In any case, Shebubu gets disapproval for the fifth time that day, and has to pray for 24 hours. They decide to camp out there.
"What do we do while we wait for the cleric?"
"While I was looking for waterskins, I found this old card game: Cards Against Chumanity!"
"Ok, let's play."

-Some time later, Bill and Morris spot a large lumpy purple-furred monster climbing over the garden wall.  He looks a bit like this (only a cyclops):

"I am Shlub!!"

-"who did all this burning?"
Bill elbows Morris, who raises his hand "um.. me!"
"Who are you?"
"Morris the Creephole."
"You must be mighty wizard!"
"Well... I'm mighty in some ways..."
"Shlub seeks great wizard to serve. Shlub will serve you, Morris Creephole!"

-"Fuck it, it was me. I'm Bill the Elf."
"Prove you Bill!"
Bill casts Cantrip. "that was only moderately mighty."
Bill casts Choking Cloud. "Shlub will trust for now."

-The party gets ready to move on, now joined by Shlub.
"Shlub, you managed to drink an awful lot of water."
"Shlub has a water sack"
"Where? You're naked!"
"Inside Shlub!"
"He's like a camel!"

-"Are all the people who live in the hills we're headed to large and naked like you?"
"No, some are small and naked, like you, but naked!"

-"Hey Shlub, can I ride on your shoulders?"
"...if you must, mighty wizard."

-Shebubu gets yet another disapproval!
"What did you do to G.O.D., dude??"

-Bill tries to contact Sezrekhan in the hopes of getting some more information about where the hell the way to the Wizards' Council is.
"BEEP BOOP BOOP: The Daemon you are attempting to reach --- is out of range --- please try to invoke again later"

-Bill fails his Sequester spell with a patron taint, and carves a third eye onto his forehead with a dagger.
"Oooh.. you ARE mighty wizard!"


-After some more marching, the PCs are running low on water again.
"Can you share your water from your water-sack, Shlub?"
"Shlub not see how."
"well... maybe the next time he has to pee he can do it in a cup.."
"Fuck's sake Morris!"
"Shlub could do that. Does Morris Creephole have cup?"
"....god damn it."

-Suddenly, the party crosses paths with a group of hideous tentacle monsters!
"They are Yithi"
"What the fuck?"
"They say they are looking for library. Also, Yithi are real assholes!"
"How do you know that?"
"They speak shoggoth. Shlub speak shoggoth"
"You speak shoggoth??  Do you know my friend Bob Shoggoth?"
"Just because Shlub speak shoggoth not mean Shlub knows EVERY shoggoth!"

-It turns out the library is in an underground cave, which Shlub knows to be full of poisonous slime. So the party does the obvious thing: lead the Yithi all in there, and then Ward Portal the only exit.

-That night, the party is attacked by a group of mutants dressed in rags, who also die horribly immolated by Bill's Sequester.

-"have you guys noticed its been days and days since we saw a Minotaur?"
"The Shithole must have some weird effect that blocks teleportation. That's also probably why Sezrekhan, and Jalludin, teleported us only to the edge of the Shithole. And why I wasn't able to Invoke Sezrekhan!"
"Is that also why the cleric keeps getting Disapproval?"
"No, that's just because G.O.D. hates me."
"You're just like the Fishman!"
"No. He was useless. Shebubu is just incompetent. He could theoretically be useful, if he didn't suck."

-The party is attacked by a giant feathered insect-creature! The Cleric gets massive disapproval AGAIN, and Bill casts magic missile and then disappears.
"Where has the mighty wizard gone???" Shlub refuses to do anything without Bill there to give him orders.
The party looks in serious trouble, until Bill reappears from the Neutral Zone.

-After an encounter with some phosphorescent green mutants, the PCs make their way to a town not far from a large lake. Water at last. The town has some more of the aforementioned mutants, who want to capture the PCs as slaves. But when the PCs make short work of them, their Chieftainess comes out, a large tough warrior-woman. Even so, Bill convinces her that they're better off trading with them.
"Who are you?"
"I'm Shebubu the mighty... no wait, Shebubu the inconsistent."

-This village is apparently a subsidiary town of a small kingdom rules by a mighty sorceress called the Queen of the Lake.
"is the lake queen hot?"
"She is dark and terrible!"
"So, is that a yes?"

-After obtaining a lighter from them (whose 'magic' impresses these barbarians mightily), the Chieftainess agrees to escort the PCs to the town of the Queen of the Lake.

-Along the way, the party encounters a colossal swamp worm!  Bill casts magic missile, almost killing the worm, and vanishes to the Neutral Zone. This makes Shlub panic again.
"The wizard is gone? Where did wizard go???"
"Shlub isn't very smart."
"well, he is with us, after all."

-The barbarian chieftainess, who is a highly skilled fighter, finishes off the worm.

-they arrive at the 'capital' of this little feifdom, which is also a shitty mud-hut village only twice as large as the other one. There, they are brought before the Queen of the Lake. She's a very hot phosphorescent green mutant sorceress. She recognizes Bill as a mighty wizard, and agrees to exchange some of her many potions for some of bill's extra scrolls. She also agrees to tell Bill what she knows of the High Council of Wizards, if he'll sleep with her.
"with me?"
"Yes. You and I are both great wizards. Thus, our child will be a destined super-wizard that will conquer all before him!"
"Sure, ok."

-After their tryst, the Queen explains to Bill that many wizards have come from the 'outer lands' to the Shithole, seeking the Council of Wizards. Some of them had told her that crossing through the Shithole was a quest, and that the way to the Wizards' Council was found in a place in the absolute center of the Shithole. In the place where the Dark Ones first emerged unto the surface world and brought darkness in the great disaster. This place is known to locals as "The Sphincter".
"...seriously? OK."


-"You should not seek the Sphincter, Bill. It is certain death!"
"I've been through certain death before. I always come back anyways."

-The party decides to stay in the Lake Queen's village to rest. While they're partying with the barbarians, Shebubu decides to do a Detect Evil on Shlub, and notes that he detects as Evil.
"So that means Shlub is either not as dumb as he appears and he's something terrible..."
"Or maybe he's just too dumb to know he's evil?"

That's all for this session. Next time, presumably, the party will continue along their route to The Sphincter!



Currently Smoking: Blatter Diplomat + C&D's Crowley's Best

(Originally posted November 27, 2016)
Title: DCC Campaign Log
Post by: RPGPundit on December 08, 2017, 02:58:28 AM
DCC Campaign Backstage: The Backstagening pt.7

Pundit: Happy birthday Shebubu?

Shebubu: Yes. Thanks.

Bill: Level up! Rick/Rickandra/Chu/Shebubu and whoever I am forgetting.

Shebubu: The Dwarf but I forgot his name already. And Shul.

Bill: Shul, right.

Bill: Transparent wizard, heavy breathing.

Transparent Wizard: I managed to half-complete an 11x11x11

Pundit: That man in the rubik's picture is one of the world's most accomplished virgins.

Bill: LOL

Bill: Verschlimmbessern should be a patron taint if bill were a patron.

Morris: Well, then, who is going?

Bill: You, Shebubu, the Equestrian? Priscilla.The Old Lady.

Shebubu: No. Priscilla stays behind. Its the whole demon idol thing again, I am not going to toilet train it.

Bill: You heal me, so, whatever you say, boss

Shebubu: I was expecting the Losha-the-Fishman treatment, Well this is a lot better.

Bill: then kill her and be done with it.  Bill wont, she is a reminder of Ted.
But if you do, Bill will not stop you. We will go later to look for this bomb thing
Bill's Priorities, clear things up with the Azure Order, learn find object, off the vampire, nuke Monautholia.

OMG, that sounds delicious!

Bill: Giving Priscilla to the Archemaster would kill two birds with one shot.

Shebubu: She is not a virgin, or human, or perfect.

Bill: Mmmm, correct.

Shebubu: All things wrong.

Bill: We can find one with Locate Object.

Equestrian: Ok, it's a no on my side. I won't be done with work on time tomorrow so I'll have to skip this one too. Sorry guys, see you next one.
Also, feeding Priscilla to the Archmaester was my idea first!

Shebubu: Shite.

Pundit: Well, it'll be three players then. Should be good fun anyways!

Bill: Great.  Just to check, Morris, will you be on time? Or shall we start without you and meet you in the Azure Tower?

Morris: I don't think so. Do as you will.

Bill: OK. Maybe they sent you there from Gaga to go through creep camp and clear your head.

Morris: I'm going.

Bill: OK.

(after the session)

Shebubu: I don't think anyone would expect the happiest place in the world would be called the shithole.

Bill: We almost saw a bullete.

Shebubu: And what I think was a Mi-Go or a Byakee or something else entirely.

Morris: Bckaw! Bckaw!

Shebubu: Yes, cacatua sounds. Perfect with a chicken dance.

Bill: Sigh.


Currently Smoking: Neerup Billiard + Image Latakia
Title: DCC Campaign Log
Post by: RPGPundit on December 15, 2017, 01:40:56 AM
DCC Campaign: The Backstagening Pt. VIII: My Friends and Other Animals

(here's some more of the no-longer-private backstage chat on social media among my DCC players, about the campaign):

Shabubu: Everything worked, mostly because of our peace loving ways, or shabubu would like to think that.

Bill: I Could picture these animals in DCC:

Pundit: Well, I guess it'll remain to be seen, whether or not Bill comes.

Equestrian: So it's gonna be a surprise!
In my experience, Bill 's surprises are not really enjoyable.

Pundit: It's Schrodinger's Bill. He's in the Neutral Zone right now.

Transparent Wizard: He is being used by his patron for evil purposes and voluntarily evil at the same time until you open the box.

Bill: Ass and hole at the same time, or neither.
That did sound much better before I wrote it.


Shebubu: "That sounded better in my head" is changing from a catchphrase to a way of life.

Bill: better than  "I teleport and throw a grenade"!
it's almost up there to 'I shoot magic missile at the darkness'.

Shebubu: Well, They are from very different realms, one is from the realm of the impossible, while the other is from the realm of faulty planning, Like becoming a cleric.

Bill: Ah, poor incompetent cleric. You just need more money to burn!

Shebubu: Well, I am already Feeling the Bern, Like 500 gold to the trash in one go.

Bill: Small change.

Transparent Wizard: You never saw Ackbasha complaining.

Bill: Exactly! Be a good Shububu. Follow in the steps of Ackbasha!
Except the part where you kill bill.

Pundit: The money isn't the goal. First you get the money. Then you get the power. And then, you get murdered by a minotaur.

Equestrian: Whoa whoa whoa!
Hold on a second!
You can't cast Magic Missile at the darkness.

Shebubu: Well, maybe if you name someone the darkness you can. Mind = Blown

Equestrian: That joke has been done to death.

Shebubu: Well Magic Missile to the darkness haves probably more years than some people on the internet right now.

Equestrian: And any other combination of magic missile and darkness chu.

Shebubu: Holyfuck, 1996, that is how old the whole magic missile thing is ( 20 fucking years.

Equestrian: That's....not that old, dude.

Shebubu: From internet time its old.

Equestrian: Just like your mom!

Bill: Hello darkness my old friend.


Currently Smoking: Lorenzetti Solitario Poker + H&H's  Chestnut

(December 14, 2016)
Title: DCC Campaign Log
Post by: RPGPundit on December 16, 2017, 03:41:24 PM
DCC Campaign Update: The Horse Looks at you all With Haunted Eyes

In our last adventure, the PCs had found themselves in the Shithole, supposedly the most awful place in the very very awful world they already lived in. Bill the Elf  had ended up becoming the boy-toy of a mighty barbarian sorceress named the Queen of the Lake.


-Yarr the Halfling and Bunda the Transparent Wizard had been left behind in Coolland, escorting the alien-chav-queen Priscilla of the Grey Realms back to Gaga. They did this with the promise that Queen Zoey would recognize her as a fellow monarch and give her lodging, and that Harembe was 'rugged'.
" that's why Heather is a total bitch!"
"Yeah, I heard she has chlamydia.."
"OMIGOD, right?? I was wrong about you halfling, I thought you were all conceited but you're not. I hate conceited people!"

-the Players noticed that both Yarr and Emily sure are very good at manipulating self-centered people.
(which leads the GM to think that in two more sessions she'll be running the whole party)

-They arrive at the palace and present Priscilla to Harembe, Queen Zoey's personal bodyguard. "by G.O.D. what is that thing?!"
"holy crap you guys, he IS rugged!"


-"Why did you bring that.. that THING here?"
"She followed us.."

-"Have you ever had a sleepover, Yarr?"
"Yes. That's where you break into houses and murder people in their sleep, right?"

-The PCs don't end up spending much time in the city, however. That night, Jal'udin the rogue appears before Yarr, and gives her a message to send to Bill the Elf. It seems as though Jal'udin is trying to get the point across to Bill that he's not kidding about the threat Sezrekhan now presents to the world. Unfortunately, getting Yarr to the Shithole involves stabbing her with the Dagger of Teleportation. Apparently Jal'udin has a similar view Yarr's idea of what a sleepover is.

-Next, Jal'udin goes to Bunda the Transparent Wizard.
"Sezrekhan has gone insane. He must be stopped!"
"Weren't you a servant of Sezrekhan?"
"Yes, but he has to be stopped or we are all doomed."
"Oh... I was about to join the Sezrekhan fanclub, so if there's something going on I'd like for you to tell me.."

-"Speak to Bill about this. He will understand!"
"guys, I think that Jal'udin has way too much confidence in Bill."
"Yeah; to me it seems he's putting all his eggs in one basket... and the basket is on fire."

-"what's your PC's personality modifier again?"
"Right now it's -2... and also it's -2 all the time."

-Then Jal'udin goes to visit the Equestrian. He's gone back to his house after being recently knighted.
"I have a quest to send you on!"
"Alright! Just let me get my horse."
"Very well, I'll walk with you to the stable.."
"Um... stable, yes. Definitely not my bedroom..."


-So pretty soon, everyone shows up at the mountains at the edge of the Shithole, with stab wounds from the Dagger of Teleportation. Yes, even the Buttercup the horse.

-"So we're going to have to trek through a desert."
"Does anyone have water?"
"I have chloroform, does that help?"

-"Do any of us have vials to carry water in?"
"I have a vial of poison; I guess if we cleaned it really really well..."

-"Can I ride with you on the horse?"
"But I'm pretty small."
"yeah, the thing is, I'm the only one who gets to ride my horse."
"The horse looks at you all with haunted eyes."


-The Party sees an incoming caravan.
"Ohh, shopping! What are you selling?"
"Why are they always slaves?"
"well, we're a slave-based economy."

-The party members had been captured as slaves, and eventually got to the village of the Queen of the Lake. Shebubu is there, and he recognizes some of the PCs and decides to try to buy their freedom.
"You walk over to the Slavemaster. You know he's a slavemaster because he has a whip."
"He's either a slavemaster or Indiana Jones!"

-"This is Shebubu. He is your new master now."
"Can we choose to just stay with you instead?"

-"The transparent mutant is getting sunburn in his inner-organs in this desert setting."
Shebubu manages to get him a "pelt" that was clearly once the skin of a mutant.
"It fits just right!"


-Shebubu pays for the freedom of the other party members by healing slaves.
"Oh, thank you cleric.. now I can continue working myself to death for others..."
"It's all thanks to G.O.D.!"


-"What is this G.O.D.? A Demon?"
"yeah, you could say that."

-Bill the Elf (whose player could not make it to this session) sends a message from the Queen's hut, where he's been busy getting busy.
"It says, 'go on ahead i'll catch up'".

-"Is Bill on a quest?"
"Yes, like those you go on with your horse."

-"What about Morris?"
"Last we saw of him, he was walking away very creepily right into the swamp."

-The cleric gets a disapproval on healing the last slave he had to treat to pay off the freedom of the other PCs.
"hey, could you um... just pretend to be not dying?"
"Go fuck yourself.."
"Hey, if you don't play along I'll try to heal you again!"

-The Equestrian convinces the slavemaster to accept some "horse lemonade" instead. The slavemaster immediately realizes what 'horse lemonade' really is, but accepts it anyways, because it's the Shithole.


-"Hey Shebubu, could you heal my liver? It's looking a bit off, see?"

-"Who's this?"
"I am Shlub!"


-Shlub and the transparent mutant wizard immediately bond over being cyclopses.
"You have the right amount of eyeballs!"

-"apparently, Bill attracts cyclopses"
"It's because there's something fundamentally broken in them."

-"who follows Bill?"
"I do!"
"I have been following Bill longer!"
"Really? Because Shlub has not seen you around.."
"I was doing important work for Bill."
"So Mighty Wizard Bill sent you away..."
"Yeah? Well he sent you away now too!"
"...he has sent us both away!!"

-In the swamps north of the Lake Queen's town, the party has an encounter with a massive and deadly-looking Shoggoth! Shlub, familiar with the threat level, runs like hell.
"Come back Shlub!!"

-The PCs wisely decided to follow Shlub's example, and ran like hell.

-Later on, the PCs find a shovel, abandoned on a hillside. Deciding it might be of use later, the Equestrian rides up, but can't quite reach it on horseback and doesn't want to reduce himself to dismounting.
"So what, he can't get off the damn horse?"
"..I think he gets off on the horse!"


-"Hey guys, I can see a brown mutant village from here!"
"I feel kind of racist saying 'brown mutant'..."

-The village turns out to be relatively friendly, and its run by a human, who they call the Ageless One. Apparently, he's immortal.

-"We might be followed here later by a guy named Bill. Right now he's busy getting it on with the Queen of the Lake, she wants to create some kind of super-offspring with him."
"Oh yeah, she tried the same thing with me once. She wanted to make Ageless Wizard children."

-"Hey, could I buy a slave from you, in exchange for some Horse Lemonade?"
"...that's just horse piss, isn't it?"
"Then no, you can't."

-"so you guys are going to a region full of radioactivity, instead of the other place that actually has one of the few sources of drinkable running water in this hellhole, just because you heard there's a dude with multicolored skin in the first place and you'd want to see what that looks like?"
"That was the plan, yes."
"Man, you guys really aren't from around here, are you?"

-"we could go the longer way where there's a river, but we should probably go as soon as possible. We have to go to Tijuana, for the horses!"
" one said anything about any horses, dude.."

-"Most of the PCs decide they'd rather take the longer route, but the Equestrian continues to argue for going the direct route."
"He's just going to drink 'horse lemonade'"
"What we sometimes do in the Shithole to survive, he does for pleasure!"


-"Once you get used to drinking urine, it's not bad."
"You 'got used to it' right at the start!"

-The PCs continue their travels. They pass a gorge where there is a half-ruined giant head carved into the rock, but they  have no idea whose it was.


-"Does the head in the rock follow you with your eyes?"
""only if you psych yourself out."

-Some time later, the PCs find a perfectly-folded suit of chain mail and a handaxe, carefully left, seemingly unprotected, by the riverbank.
"It could be a trap!"
"In Shithole we have a saying: everything going to kill you anyway!"

-After enormous paranoia, the PCs grab the pristine armor and the handaxe. Nothing dangerous seems to happen, the armor and weapon appear normal and uncursed.

-They continue following along the gorge and find a massive metal bridge. It looks much too high tech to be in the Shithole.
"let's go check it out!"

-As they get closer, they see it's covered in massive spider webs.


-They run like hell and head away from the river.
After some time, the reach a large keep which seems to be inhabited.
"It's a trap!"
"Well, nothing bad has happened to us so far."
"We've had to drink our own pee!!"
"I have to wear someone else's skin to protect myself from the sun!"

-The castle, they found, is occupied by a military force of some very strange mutants. They are vaguely greyish-silver in color, and instead of hair, the top of their heads seem to burn with a greenish-yellow flame. The aliens also turn out to have a funny vaguely-french accent.

-"Does this remind you of something?"
"I don't know, is he going to taunt us a second time?"

-The strange mutants are actually friendly, offering to allow the PCs in. They say that they are members of The Watch. There, they are presented to their leader, the Watch Captain. He is equipped in a pristine set of chain mail armor and a hand axe.

-"We shall be willing to give you sanctuary here, so long as you follow the rules of hospitalite!"
"Which means?"
"You must not cause any violence."
"That'll be pretty hard for us. But you never know, it's bound to happen someday, right?"

-"um.. just out of curiosity, that's a very nice suit of armor you have on and a lovely handaxe.."
"Yes. They are the symbols of a Captain of the Watch."
"And, do you always keep them here?"
"Until a Captain dies. Then his armor and axe are left at the river in a ritual."
"And.. just out of curiosity, if someone else were to touch those later?"
"It would be death!"
"I see.." (cue the equestrian covering up the armor he's wearing with his cloak; and the halfling surreptitiously tossing the handaxe behind a nearby rock)

-"Where do you people come from?"
"I come from a Billage."
"I come from a forest."
"What's a forest??"

-"And where have you guys come from?"
"We have been here for countless generations. Keeping watch. We are The Watch"
"Oh shit, they must be super-inbred."
"How do they even reproduce? They're all guys!"
"Don't even question it."

-"Just so you guys know, if you see any handaxes in our possession we got them from home."
"I got mine from my mom!"

-"So, what are you keeping watch on?"
"We have kept watch."
"I think they don't know what they're keeping watch on.."
"I think they've forgotten what they were supposed to keep watch for!"

-"Ok, so I have to ask.. you're all male.. there's no one else nearby.. how do you make kids?"
"...the usual way."
"Ok, stop. Let's just go to sleep and get the fuck out of this place early tomorrow morning."

-"I'm going to try one more time to talk to one of these guys, not the captain.. hey, what are you watching?"
"I'm watching this hallway."
"Ok, forget it, I just leave."

-"Ok, I know this sounds like a really stupid question guys, but are we going to keep watch while we sleep?"
"I am!"
"Yarr, you should keep the next watch."
"..are you really going to?"
"What, are you going to watch me keeping watch?!"
"Fuck it. I'll just keep watch all night."
"I think this castle is fucking up your minds, guys."

-The next morning they leave the Keep of the Watch as quickly as they possibly can. As they continue their travels through the Shithole, they run into a tentacle monster.


-  Unfortunately, or perhaps mercifully, in the ensuing battle the Equestrian's... um, beloved.. horse Buttercup is killed.
"That's ok... he knew too much..."


-Some time later, the adventurers manage to make it to a village, which turns out to be populated by some of Shlub's purple-hairy-monster race. Like Shlub, they're apparently very interested in finding  a Mighty Wizard to serve, and are envious of Shlub.
Bunda tries to claim he is a mighty wizard, but they don't end up sufficiently impressed in his magic. They're even less impressed by Shebubu's magic when he tries to pass himself off as a wizard.
The purple-monsters then plan to eat the entire party, but get distracted by a conversation about just what defines the mightiness of a Wizard.
"Quick, we should go now while they talk!"
"You don't want to stay with your people, Shlub?"
"No. Shlub doesn't need the competition!"

-They stop to camp out only when they're sure they've gotten far enough away that the purple-monsters won't catch them.
"You lost your horse today, Equestrian, you should rest."
"It was just a horse."
"But.. it was clearly more than just a horse to you..."
"What gave you that idea?"

-They head out again the next day and find a single solitary tree. Thinking there could be food or water nearby they approach, only to find the tree unfurls to reveal it was actually a camouflaged tentacle-monster!


-The Equestrian manages to slay it, running it through in one blow.
"Huh. Shlub think he actually more competent since losing his Buttercup."

-Later on, the PCs run into a kind of giant amoeba monster! It swallows Yarr the halfling whole!
"She's still alive."
"I think she's probably safer inside than out here!"

-Color Spray does nothing on the creature. Bunda then tries to hit it, but misses on account of having no depth perception. Shlub tries to attack it, but the Amoeba swallows him as well!
"It has a taste for Shlub!"

-Eventually, Shlub and Yarr manage to cut their way out of the amoeba, slaying it.


-Shebubu has a catastrophically bad Divine Disapproval, and gets the Mark of Shame.
"You know what? Fuck it. I'm just going to keep it forever."

-They camp out again that night, and arrange the watch.
"Why is the Equestrian stuck doing a watch alone?"
"Well, he should have taken better care of his horse."
"I'm pretty sure that horse wished for death.."

That was the end of this disturbing adventure, which will probably not see things getting any less weird next session when hopefully Morris the Creep and Bill the Elf will be back with the group.  Stay tuned!


Currently Smoking: Lorenzetti Poker + Solani Aged Burley Flake
Title: DCC Campaign Log
Post by: RPGPundit on December 28, 2017, 01:56:38 AM
DCC Campaign Update: I'm already starting to regret that pinky-swear

In our last session (our last few sessions, actually), the PCs were making their way through the nightmarish wasteland known as "The Shithole", all to try to get Bill the Elf to the Grand Council of Wizards.  Only last session, Bill had stayed behind bonking the attractive and powerful (but baby-obsessed) sorceress known as the Queen of the Lake, while the rest of the party forged ahead.


-"Hey, I tried! Stop competence-shaming me!"

-Sometime in the night, Yarr the halfling wandered off.
"She was the only competent one in the party!"
"I wouldn't go that far! I'd say she was just the only one not-incompetent in the party."

-"So, should we try to go look for her?"

-As the party set off, they soon ran into the Bill the Elf, who caught up with them by travelling with the aid of Levitation.
"Quick, I need healing!"
"For what? You don't look injured..."

-The other PCs try to tell Bill about Jal'udin's dire warnings, which he'd pleaded with them to tell Bill about, just before stabbing each of them with his Dagger of Teleportation to send them to the Shithole.
"Eh, Jal'udin is a weasel"
"Shlub has faced weasels! They are very dangerous."
"There's weasels here?!"
"I'm not surprised.. it's the shithole."
"Weasels are the shitholes deadliest natural predator."
"What about shoggoths?"
"Those are the deadliest unnatural predator."


-"Will the Queen of the Lake be coming after us now?"
"Well, given that I'm in the body of a radioactive mutant, she might just be too busy getting cancer around now."

-"Are you really sure Sezrekan isn't insane, and won't fuck up the world?"
"Pinky swear?"

-"So where are we going?"
"We're going to see the council of wizards."
"Yeah, right.. you mean we're going to go destroy the council of wizards!"
"Wait, what?"
"Oh, nevermind."
"I'm already starting to regret that pinky-swear."
"No, no, when I said 'destroy' I meant 'join'!"
"For our group, 'see', 'join' and 'destroy' are all interchangeable."

-"So Shebubu, I see you carry the Mark of Shame."
"I consider it the mark of pride, and I'm never getting rid of it. I don't give a shit anymore!"
"Yeah, that's what happens to most clerics."

-"Wait, am I a wizard?"
"No, you're an idiot."


-"You guys are being attacked by some creatures, they look sort of like time-dinosaurs, only they're nude and larger and seem to be of animal intelligence."
"So... dinosaurs?"


-"I think the Equestrian has become creepier than Morris at this point."
"The difference is Morris tries to be a creep, whereas for the Equestrian it just comes naturally."

-"The Equestrian is dead, guys!"
"What? He's not dead, Shebubu; I can see him breathing!"
"Aww, ok, he's alive."

-Having defeated the non-time Dinosaurs, the PCs carry on, and reach a strange building.
"Do you think that's Tijuana?"
"No, it would be shittier than that place."

-The building turns out to be a kind of monastery, populated mainly by furry purple monsters of Shlub's race.  But unlike all the other members of their kind, these have taken up the art of meditation to attempt to rid themselves of their racial addiction to seeking out and following mighty wizards.


-"So what do you guys think of just moderately bad wizards?"
"We think they are gateway to mighty wizards, we renounce it."
"So moderately bad wizards are like the marijuana of wizardry?"

-The chief abbot of the monastery is a kind of blue elf, with psionic powers.
"He is a mighty wizard!"
"No, he is mighty monk!"
"You guys are just exchanging one kind of addiction for another!"
"Don't question it dude."

-"And are you guys also concerned about clerics?"
"We don't really care."
"Geez, you are so singleminded, Shebubu! Always so concerned about how people view clerics... by the way, have you got any horses here?"

-"How do we find our way to the Council of Wizards?"
"You must seek out the center, in the black middle of the Shithole."
"Tijuana is a shithole!"

-"So how long does it take to become a monk and get psychic powers? Could I do it in, say, a half-hour?"
"No, it takes a lifetime of spiritual discipline to become a true master monk"
"Ok, then I'm out."


-The group decides to immediately leave the monastery, in spite of the monks having offered them to stay as long as they liked.  After a short while they reach some hills, and there they are surprise-attacked by a group of Giant Saber-Toothed Weasels!
"Oh crap! The Shithole's deadliest natural predator!"
"This could be a Total Party Bill."


-Half the party is dropped in the first round. Shlub is torn to shreds by giant weasels while Bill uses levitate to float away to safety.

-"Bill, you've levitated out of any danger, abandoning your friends to the weasels. What will you do now?"
"I have a couple of scratches, so I drink a healing potion while they're being disemboweled."


-After killing or scaring off the weasels with Control Fire, Bill floats back down and starts to check if any of his companions are still alive.
"The Equestrian is dead."
"Oh well, his life had no purpose anymore without a horse."
"You know I could've just gotten another horse!"
"I'm pretty sure your horse warned the other horses about you, and now none of them would have gone near you."

-Bunda the transparent wizard and Shebubu are also dead! It has been, in fact, a Total Party Bill.

-At this point, the session takes a short break to create 9 new 0-level characters. One player manages to get an 18 Luck!
"That's a character made to save vs. death!"
"Unless I roll a 20.. and knowing my luck..."
"We do know your luck. It's 18."

-Bill figured at this point that it would be a good time to try to just teleport to Tijuana. Unfortunately, after a great effort and multiple spellburns to successfully cast Planar Step, he discovers that Planar Step doesn't actually work in the Shithole.
"You know, I'd feel bad for you.. but everyone else is DEAD."
"I know, huh? Weasels really ARE the deadliest predator!"


-The next day, Bill tries to continue flying with levitate, but he fails his check.
"I guess I'll just start walking, like a peasant!"

-Feeling lonely, bill takes the mutant-skin cloak off of Bunda's mangled corpse, puts it on a stick, and pretends it's a traveling companion.
"So.. it's like a really freaky version of 'Wilson'"?

-After a short walk, however, Bill runs into a vale where there's a yellow mutant sorcerer engaging in some kind of dark sacrificial ritual. So he fries the wizard and frees the 9 conveniently-placed newbs.

-The newbs had been drugged. Bill finds a large jar of rohypnol among the dead wizard's possesions.


-One of the newbies is a particularly fortunate 0-level character who got a plutonium-missile bazooka as one of his starting possessions! He names himself "Bazooka Arnok".


-Another newbie, named Muu, is a psychic! He's also a professional booze-maker.
"Here, have some dinosaur-juice!"
"Thank Muu."
"Oh god, not again!"

-There's also two ex-slave green-mutant brothers. And a halfling chicken-rider (if there's one race of demi-humans that would thrive in the Shithole, it had to be halflings). And a tough-looking red-mutant Hunter. Another is a mud-man mutant.

-There's also a mutant pacifist in the group.
"My name is Haade."

-"If both of the brothers make it to level 1, I'm going to make a rare exception and let you play them both."
"Oh man, that's a tough choice. My third guy is Bazooka Arnok!"
"Well, don't overthink it. Nature will probably solve this dilemma for you."

-The two brothers quickly prove to be annoying in a weird-twin sort of way.


-"I'll be soo happy when one of your two brothers die. Just one, mind you, I'm not cruel."
"Losing a brother can really fuck someone up in this campaign though, look at what it did to Bill."

-Resting in the dangerous wilderness of the Shithole, the members of the party on the 3rd watch see a large green blob-thing heading toward them. Bazooka Arnok decides to test out the Plutonium Mini-Missile Bazooka. He utterly nukes the blob.
"I like this!"

-Some time the next day, the PCs see a fort in the distance and start to approach it.  A patrol of armed blue mutants come out, looking potentially hostile. Just in case, Arnok fires another Bazooka-missile at them!
"You missed!"
"Um... no that was.. a warning shot!"

-In any case, the blue mutants naturally flee in a panic when they realize they're being fired at with plutonium missiles, rushing back into the fort.

-"We should threaten to blow up the castle if they don't surrender."
"Ok! Hey in there.. surrender and we will blow up your castle!"

-"Abandon the castle and send someone to parley!"
"Wait, which is it??"

-The leader of the blue mutant barbarians comes out to parley.
"What do you want?"
"I want to know how to get to the wizard's council."
"I have no idea what that is."
"Then you're of no use to me. Your fate is pretty much in the hand of these monsters here."

-"My name is Erb. I am the leader of this group of blue men. They call us the Blue Man Group."


-"Do you at least know where Tijuana is?"
"Dude you really aren't justifying your own survival here..."

-"I really want to blow this place up. I never blew up a fort before! I blew up my village once."
"You really shouldn't brag about things you've blown."


-The negotiations going nowhere, Bazooka decides to just fuck it, and blows up the fort.

-The PCs, having killed the leader of the Blue Man Group, go into the ruins of the castle to get whatever treasure they can scrounge. They find a survivor, his legs crushed under rubble. The red-mutant hunter makes him crawl.

-"Man, characters from the Shithole are a whole new level of asshole!"

-"I'm going to try to Mend the castle"
"Hey!! Oh no wait.. that means I can blow it up again! Do it!"

-"Don't drink any of the well water, you guys. It's probably got plutonium in it now"

-The crippled survivor is still being made to crawl around the yard "wwhy?? Why did you do this to us??"
"it was a joke!"
"Eh, I'd say it was more of a social experiment, really"

-They make the crippled survivor follow them crawling, for some time as they leave the fort. Just out of pure sadism.
"Wow.. I guess I've finally found my people!"
"Welcome to the Shithole, Bill!"
"I think I feel aroused."


-That night, Bill tenderly puts his fellow party members to a good night's sleep with Bunda's old sleep-rune-rock.

-In the night, more wrapped-up desert mutants get immolated on Bill's Sequester.

-Entering into a particularly desolate area of the Shithole, they find, in the midst of it, a strange metal fortress. It looks abandoned but very high-tech-level, possibly an Ancient structure.

-Inside they find some kind of astounding high-tech device, the nature of which they're not sure of. So they start pressing buttons and pulling levers until power gets reactivated. Then they keep pushing buttons until something happens.

-While pressing buttons on a platform, the two brothers suddenly vanish in a sparkle of star-trek style light!

-The halfling decides to try to repeat what the brothers did. He ends up in a different but very similar room full of electronics. When he turns around he sees the two brothers are on the floor, a hideous mangled fusion of a corpse.
"Well, now they're together in death!"


-It turns out that there's a whole network of several of these places in the Shithole, old outposts of the Ancients or the High Elves. Not all of them are abandoned. The Halfling and Bazooka Arnok, who also takes his chances with the teleporter, later end up in another station that's underground, and guarded by a hideous tentacle creature. Of course, Arnok blows him to bits with a plutonium missile.

-Heidi the pacifist ends up in another location, which turns out to be populated, by a red mutant wizard and his soldiers. Although it's clear he didn't construct the transmats, the Wizard claims ownership of it. He comes back to the first pad (where Bill, the red mutant, the psychic and some of the others had been waiting to see if any of their number came back), along with 20 of his soldiers. There's a moment of tension.

-The pacifist is apparently more impressed with his captors than with his current party. Or maybe he's just trying to find a way to escape his current group of sadistic psychopaths.
"If you like, I could join you!"
"If you prove useful to me."
"Oh... never mind."

-Bill decides it might be better to negotiate in this case. All he really wants is to get to the council of wizards, so he offers to leave this place if the Red Wizard can tell him where to go.  It turns out he's only about two days away from Tijuana. The party (including Heidi) head off across the wasteland, knowing their incredibly shitty quest is nearing its climax.

-At the end of the session, Bazooka Arnok levels up! He decides to take the Thief class.
"Oh yeah, that makes sense given how subtle he is..."

That's it for today. Stay tuned, to see if next session, the party of deplorables make it to the lost city of Tijuana, to the Sphincter, and to the Council of Wizards... or if everything will go to shit, as usual.


Currently Smoking: Masonic Meerschaum + Image Virginia

(December 28, 2016)
Title: DCC Campaign Log
Post by: RPGPundit on January 17, 2018, 04:16:58 PM
DCC Backstage Chatlog, Volume 25, part 1

Here's some more of the ongoing Facebook chat for our DCC group!

I wish I had Choking Cloud now to get rid of all the fucking chirping birds that keep me from sleeping
And the dog is bloody dreaming loud, probably about some bitches. Fucking city and its birds!
Among other shitty things, like those stupid tree species with that fucking sap that drops on the car, the irregular curbs that scratch the fenders.
The messy sidewalk, the Baghdad pavement, the unruly drivers.
The careless contractors and their senseless ways.
Breathe and count till 10.

Pundit: LOL. I woke up this morning at 11PM. I'm just having my afternoon coffee now, at 5:30am. I'm a wizard. Time has no meaning to me.

Bill: Unless you are waiting for a cab
Time has no meaning to billionaires either
Too bad I am neither

Equestrian/Bazooka Arnok: I'm fairly sure that 11pm does not constitute "morning"

Bill: Morning is when morning is.

Equestrian/Bazooka Arnok: Look at my horse (

Pundit: Yes, I had no idea about that video, until I found out about it while preparing this blog entry. You guys like some truly weird shit...

Equestrian/Bazooka Arnok: Like playing DCC with you, for example.
We are sick sick people.

Pundit: The thing about the DCC game is that it features a lot of innuendo, but almost no actual smut. It's somewhere between PG-13 and R rated.

Equestrian/Bazooka Arnok: We don't want to have problems with the network.

Muu: Oh, so the face was 26th president of the USA Theodore Roosevelt.
I guess South Dakota is kinda of a Shithole

Equestrian/Bazooka Arnok: Bill finished his side quest.
He can go side-questing again in like....10 minutes.
He can do 3 or 4 sidequests in a row, but after, he needs a nap.

Bill: Bill is feeling his company undesired, lets hope Bill does not undesired​ you company in the Shit Hole too

Equestrian/Bazooka Arnok: Bill company is, much like Bill itself, a necessary evil.

Bill: At the end of the day, you always need an asshole

Equestrian/Bazooka Arnok: Quite.
No one else knows more about shitty situations.

Bill: Having been in/creating shitty situations does not certainly make you a good referral to avoid them

Muu: Well you know that saying, in the Shithole the asshole is king.

Bill: Bill's kingdom!


Currently Smoking: Lorenzetti Poker + C&D's Chestnut

(January 17, 2017)
Title: DCC Campaign Log
Post by: RPGPundit on January 29, 2018, 02:16:15 PM
DCC Campaign Update: Their Ziploc Technology is Ultra-Advanced

We left off with the deplorable PCs only about two days away from the place known as the Sphincter, the center of the Shithole.  They were camped out in an area of badlands, worse than any they'd seen so far, where literally nothing grew.


-At night, Muu the Mud Mutant murders the Sadistic Hunter in his sleep, for his armor. That's where we're at now.

-Morris suddenly returns to the group, walking in from the badlands.
"What a lovely day!"
"It's night-time, Morris."

-"Hey, do I get xp for killing the Sadist?"
"Well, you killed a fellow PC, in his sleep. So... sure, 1xp"

-"The mission is to go to the Conclave of Wizards to 'talk'.. but you guys can do all the killing you want"

-"Morris, you've survived 2 Total Party Bills!"

-"Why is there blood in the sand??"
"Hey, who wants to go back to sleep?"

-"OK, guys, no more killing tonight!"

-The next day, the gang proceed through the badlands, and along the way they spot a strange black viscuous pool.
"Morris, go throw a rock in it!"

-Morris is a bit reluctant to approach it.
"Come guys, let's all go with him for backup. Where's your fighting spirit?"
"I'm a Pacifist. Not having fighting spirit is why I'm the last survivor of my tribe."

-"There's a 60% chance its just a pool of sludge, 30% it's some kind of slime monster, 10% it's some truly weird shit."


-It turns out it was a slime monster after all. It starts chasing the gang who run when they realize that regular weapons do nothing. Bill casts magic missile (and disappears into the Neutral Zone as he always does after casting magic missile) but it wasn't enough to destroy the slime. The slime catches up to the halfling chicken-rider, the slowest in the group, and the halfling dies.

-Bill comes back and finishes nuking the slime.
The newbie PCs level up, with the remaining 1st level PCs now being Heidi the Pacifist, and Muu the Mud-man Psyhic, who is now a Mud-man Psychic Wizard.

-The PCs, who are dying of thirst, find a small muddy creek. They spend a long time very worried that it might be another slime creature somehow. Morris finally heads down there, finding it to be safe.

-"I, Muu, am now your apprentice, Bill!"
"You know his apprentices haven't historically fared well, don't you?"

-"You should drink a bit more, Morris.."
"It's water. I already drank some. It's not poisonous."
"You should drink more water just in case, it might take a bit more to kill you is all..."

-Figuring the water and the creek are safe, the PCs head down to drink. The pacifist is almost immediately attacked by a Sand Monstrosity! Fortunately, Bill scares the monstrosity away before it can do any harm.

-The next day, the PCs finally get to the edge of a massive smelly canyon. They have found the Sphincter! All around it there's a large chain-link fence with barbed wire, and very old signs warning people away in almost every language imaginable. Some of these shrines have had primitive markings drawn on them in blood, and offerings of bones placed at its base.  The PCs are considering what to do, when they spot a tunnel dug some distance away; it has a more primitive basic sign that says "Coyote a Tijuana".

-They walk single-file into the tunnel. Bill goes first, because the others guilted him into it. For added security, he casts a huge cloudkill in front of and behind the party, murdering everything in his path for quite a great distance.
"You hear various screams"


-"Up ahead, you guys smell a flowery scent"
"Oh shit, not flowers!!"

-Before entering the large cavern with a flowery scent, Mu uses his psychic power to make himself invisible; but it only works on people his own level or lower.
"What the hell are you doing?"
"wooo!! I'm invisible!!"


-The cavern is full strange large plants with pale white flowers. Also, a dozen or so guys which at first the party assumes (from their shambling and disheveled condition) to be zombies.
"They're zombies!"
"No, I'm pretty sure they're alive. I think they're just drugged or something."
"They drug zombies!"

-After murdering all the drug zombies, they move on past the white lotus flowers (which Morris thinks is what made them 'zombified' in the first place), they move on to a cavern which features a huge pool of green slime.
"Let's throw a rock in it!"
"That did not go well the last time."

-They move on to another cavern, where they encounter a Giant Slug! Bill hits it with magic missile, but it's not enough to kill it, and of course he vanishes to the Neutral Zone, leaving the rest badly outgunned.
Muu runs away from it into the next cavern which is filled with huge mushrooms. And while the others are fighting the Slug, Muu explores, only to run into a guard-robot.

-While Heidi chases the now-fleeing Slug, Morris sneaks into the mushroom-forest and backstabs the robot-guard with his rifle. The guard gets knocked over, and since it was on tracks, it can't right itself.


-"Does anyone have a Container of Mushroom Holding?"

-"Is there anything in the remains of the robot that could be used to carry mushrooms?"
"Not after the Magic Missile and Muu stabbing the remains for several minutes, no."

-Heidi climbs to the top of a large mushroom and kills the Slug.

-"Remind me to get some bags the next time I'm in civilization."
"In Highbay!"
"Highbay's tech level is mostly medieval, but their ziploc technology is ultra-advanced."

-The PCs carry on into a cave where they finally encounter a couple of drug-runners. Unfortunately, they start shooting.
"The DEA!"
"No, no we're not the DEA!"
"The Thetas!"
"we're not the Thetas!"
"We have Bill with us!"
"Wait, yu have Bill the Elf??"
"Huh. Normally when we mention Bill they start shooting MORE.."

-It turns out one of the two drug-runners is a Sloth. Apparently, Bill is known around here, but he has some 'splainin to do.
"Did yu run into El Jefe?"
"Could be. Did he look all acid-burned and melted, like as if someone had cast a really powerful Choking Cloud on him?"

-"ok, yu must be Bill the Elf, only Bill the Elf would be so crazy to go into the Sphincter!"

-Since Bill is well known in Tijuana, so the narcos decide to take him to see 'El Capo', who will decide Bill's fate. They lead the PCs through the tunnels and into the city. Tijuana, the Shittiest Place on Earth.


-Bill is much admired, and immediately invited to several drinks of tequila. He introduces his fans to his 'crew'.  There's even narco-style songs sung about him.

-"why is this place the 'shittiest'?"
"Because it is the Shithole"
"Not because it's covered in shit?"
"Well, yes, there is a lot of shit, as yu probably smelled."


-A limo arrives, with a well-dressed yellow mutant. He is not El Capo, just the chief assistant to El Capo. He takes the whole crew through the city, which is built on a plateau in the mid-point of the canyon leading down into the Sphincter. Along the way he explains: the Dark Ones came through into the surface of the world at the Sphincter. There was a terrible war between their spawn and the High Elves and their Pythian Knights.  Finally, the High Elves were able to seal the Sphincter, with some kind of 'plug'. But the whole area now known as the Shithole was riddled with mutations and spawn of the Dark Ones, so they Elves sealed the whole area off. They used powerful magic to make teleportation in or out impossible, and then raised up a huge wall of near-impenetrable mountains that surrounded the entire zone.
"That still doesn't explain why there's shit everywhere in Tijuana."
"Oh, that is just because of really bad sanitation."

-They go to a high point in the plateau, to a remarkably large gaudy gated mansion with a style that could only be described as "Trump-esque". The area is crawling with armed bodyguards, and presumably-attractive female sloths in tight dresses and bikinis.


-They meet "El Capo", an aged sloth in a mobster-like business suit. He interrogates Bill about the events surrounding the death of Slothy Rodriguez, who was like a son to him.  Satisfied that Bill was not responsible for his death, he makes a deal: he will help the party with supplies to get them to the Sphincter, and they will owe him and his organization a favor.


-Bill is concerned when he hears that spawn of the Dark Ones are often drawn to the Sphincter, possibly including Shoggoths. So he asks El Capo to supply him with some large bags of weed.

-Muu had been injured from a bullet wound in the firefight with El Capo's men in the tunnels. He gets sent to the clinic to be treated by El Capo's obese unlicensed doctor, who they assure Muu is excellent.

-The rest of the PCs were to be given the run of the place.
"All I ask is that yu do not try to have your way with my pretty daughters!"
Bill agrees and immediately knocks Morris out with the Sleep-stone.
"Please lock him in a room and don't let him out."

-The pacifist goes to stock up on armor and weapons courtesy of the Sloths. He lies to Bill about the fact there's grenades in the Sloth mafia's armory.

-That night, there is a huge party in Bill's honor, where the PCs meet the King of Tijuana."

-"Wait... is the King of Tijuana Keith Richards?"
"Sure looks like it."

(  15cacb861d2f04.jpg)

-"I guess if one person alive today would survive the heat death of the universe, it would be Keith Richards."


-"I couldn't tell from the accent if he was drunk, or British. Then I realized he was drunk AND British, and I realized who it was."

(  e_key=MTIyMTg5Njk0OTc2MjU2MzM2MA%3D%3D.2)

-King Keith I is VERY interested in Bill's Primo Staff. He makes Bill promise to bring it with him back to Tijuana someday if he should recover it.

-Bill and King Keith I become fast friends.

-After that, it's time talk business. El Capo gives bill two large garbage bags full of weed, which Bill hopes will have an effect on any shoggoths, as he'd noted in prior experiences. He also gives him a small pouch of a Blue Orchid Poison and a vial of Black Orchid Poison.

-"now yu should rest and gather your strength while you can my friend, unless yu want sleep with whores first.."
"No, the guy in the party that used to sleep with horse is dead."

-Muu wakes up the next morning in the clinic, fully healed of his injury.  The unkempt obese 'doctor' seems to know his stuff after all.
"does Muu still have both of his kidneys?"
"Strangely, yes."

-Morris also wakes up, in the bedroom he'd been locked into this whole time, and asks to be released. The guard sends word to Bill who comes to see him.
"Why did you do this to me? You could have just asked me to behave."
"No, I know all about your urges."
" I only want it more."

-Bill decides to keep Morris in the room.
"I'll be back in 10 minutes, alright? NO funny business!"
"Sure... I don't even like women!"

-"is he gone?"
"Yes, Bill left."
"Ok, I check out the window to see if I can climb to some other room where there's people to creep at."

-"Dude, El Capo's daughters are all sloths!"
"It's not about the zoophilia, it's about Bill not letting him."

-El Capo's consigliere (the handsome well-dressed yellow mutant from the limousine earlier) comes into Morris' room just before he can climb a window.
"So...I hear from my guard yu do not like the women..."

-Morris has to explain to the consigliere that he just meant he doesn't like SLOTH women, and lets him down gently.
"I trust yu will not repeat what has been said in this room to anyone..."
"Huh? OH! No, don't worry, I won't tell anyone that you're gay."
"I am NOT a puto!! I simply like to have sex with other men!"

(  664af52e28aed5.jpg)

-The consigliere leaves Morris and immediately heads to where Bill, Muu and Heidi are lounging having breakfast on the patio.
"So this Morris, he is strange, yes? I would not believe anything he say!"

-For his part, Morris had swore to the consigliere that he wouldn't say a word. Bill comes to check on him.
"Hey Bill, guess what? The consigliere is gay!!"
"Eat your breakfast and don't cause trouble."
"No! You can't tell me what to do. I don't want any breakfast."
"Fine, then don't eat it."
"No, now I want it!"

-"Dealing with Morris is like dealing with a fucking child!"
"More like a defiant teen."

-The party is almost ready to go. They finally release Morris, and after he gets some new weapons from El Capo's armory, they're ready to go.
"So, you didn't get to ruin everything by sleeping with one of El Capo's daughters, huh?"
"It's OK, I don't care. El Capo's daughters are sloths, and I'm not into sloths."

-At this point, El Capo comes down to see them off, accompanied by 2 modestly dressed sloth girls and one modestly-dressed extremely hot yellow-mutant girl.
"These are my lovely daughters: Luisa, Andrea, and of course my adopted daughter Maria... Morris, her bedroom was right above where yu were sleeping."

-Heavily stocked up on guns, rifles, grenades, armor, poison, and a ridiculous amount of drugs, the party begins to head down the canyon-side toward the Sphincter, and hopefully the conclusion of their quest in the Shithole.

Stay tuned next time for more DCC action!


Currently Smoking: Missouri Meerschaum + Stockebbye's Bull's Eye Flake

(January 28, 2017)
Title: DCC Campaign Log
Post by: RPGPundit on February 06, 2018, 02:31:26 AM
DCC Campaign Update: Only Morris Literally Soils Himself

In our last session, the stalwart PCs were just about to start making their way down from Tijuana, into the depths of the massive canyon known as "the Sphincter".


-The PCs start to try to climb down the canyon side.
"Now that I think about it, we should have brought some rope or something."
"No, you guys I think it's fine--yaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!"


-Muu and Heidi, whose players couldn't come this day, slip and fall into the depths of the canyon. A large number of screams are heard as they fall against the canyon slope, followed by the sound of some kind of explosion, and then silence.

-"Morris, throw a rock down there."
They hear a lot of clanging noises, and some cthulu-type inhuman warbling, and then more clanging.
"...throw another one!"

-"Hey wait, I do have a rope!"
"Huh. So do I! And it's a rope of climbing."
"I guess Muu and Heidi died for nothing."

-"What does this green poison I have do?"
"Well, you are a thief, so you could use your poison skill to identify it."
"Nah, it's alright, I'm good."

-At this point Bill remembers that besides his Rope of Climbing, he also has the Levitation spell. He gives Morris the Rope of Climbing, and starts to levitate his way down.

-After their initial descent, Bill suggests that he make a larger platform of levitation, and for Morris to come with him. But it turns out that Morris is scared of levitating.
"what the hell, are you Mr.T now?"


-"Can I save myself with the rope of climbing if you break concentration and fall to your doom?"
"Yeah, I guess."
"Ok, I'm in."

-When they just start heading down, they run into Yarr and Bazooka Arnok, lying on an outcropping, half-starved and semi-conscious. Apparently they'd reached the Sphincter on their own, met each other at the fenced area around it, and crossed over, only to fall a considerable distance and end up trapped.
"You guys are lucky we came along!"
"Actually we were fine until some asshole started throwing rocks down the canyon."

-"Do you have any food?"
"I have this bag of mushrooms..."

-"As you proceed downward, it gets darker and darker"
"...much like this whole campaign!"

-They get to the bottom of the Sphincter, where they see there is this great crystal shard, placed as if to seal the hole where the dark ones came out of. Just as they are approaching, the earth shifts as a massive 30ft Shoggoth emerges and rushes toward the party, shouting an alien roar.  Everyone in the party except Bill fail their saving throw and are scared shitless, possibly literally.


-"Wait, Yarr and Arnok haven't eaten anything in two days."
"Ok, so only Morris literally soils himself."

-Bill casts Control Fire, and his mercurial effect is activated! A rift into the Void Beyond appears and this terrifying raggedy-man entity comes through, some kind of dark Elder God.
"Why hast thou summoned me?"
"It was just a mercurial effect!"


-"What dost thou wish?"
"Revenge against Nikos!"
"I can grant thee this, at a price."
"what price?"
"The souls of your 3 companions."
"...could it be just one?"

-Just as the Shoggoth is breaking past Bill's sequester and the Elder God is threatening to eat souls, Arnok overcomes his magical Fear.
"I jump at the fucking Shoggoth with all my atomic missiles!"


-Arnok does 303 points of damage to himself and the Shoggoth; Arnok is utterly disintegrated, the Shoggoth is destroyed, the Elder God is dispersed, and everyone else in the party is potentially dead.

-As it happens, everyone except Arnok survives their Luck check.
"Goddamn it, seriously? I didn't take even one of them with me??"

-Their survival does come at a cost, however. They each get mutations and now have 40 kinds of cancer.

-"Yarr now has huge eyes."
"So, like an anime character? Cool."


-"Bill is permanently weakened, he only heals half as fast from now on."
"Only in this body though, right?"

-"Morris' hair now has a life of its own and wiggles around like worms."
"I'm even creepier now!"

-"Arnok died as he lived... blowing stuff up!"

-The survivors get to the crystal shard, and find it has an entrance. Inside they find a kind of waiting room (complete with bossa nova muzak playing in the background, and a snack dispenser giving out bags of peanuts). There's also four guys in there. Three of them are clearly 0-level newbies to replace Arnok. The fourth is a guy with multicolored wavy skin who looks like a wizard.

-"Hello my friends. My name is Rainbow Deva. I am a mighty wizard!

-"I hope you are not here to try to kill us, and also perhaps that you know how to use the machine here to get us to the city of the Wizard Council!"

-The three newbs are a human corn farmer (with a pet cow), a yellow-mutant boat-arsonist with extremely low INT, and a human blacksmith.
"Why the hell do I always get at least one 0-level dude with an animal?"

-"We have no clerics in our party. None of them wished to come along with us for some reason."

-Morris uses his skill in reading languages to figure out the controls of the Crystal Shard. Apparently, they are written in Techno-Walrus.
"Techno Walrus?"
"Yeah, we met them before you joined the campaign, on Mt.Parnassus."
"What the hell are they?"
"There's two things you have to know about Techno-walruses..."


-The controls manage a kind of transmat beam.  The party activates it and they find themselves in ethereal form, being flown up into the sky, higher than they'd ever been before, beyond the atmospheric cover, into vacuum, toward the highest of the floating islands.

-The PCs arrive at one of the larger asteroids, featuring an astounding domed city with a strange mix of architecture, and a kind of space-port built into the rock. It has a variety of high-tech flying ships, magical flying galleons, and strange creatures that look like Ki-Rin with butterfly wings that seem to be used as mounts. They have arrived in the great sky-city of Lol, home of the Lolri (the Techno-walruses) and also the headquarters of the High Council of Wizards.

-in the spaceport, they meet an apprentice wizard named Beson, who will serve as their guide in the city.

-As they head up to the domed city they notice some strange robots; they look oddly-shaped. Beson explains that they have been in the city since even before the Techno-Walruses (the city was apparently originally built by the ancient), and that they are called the Guardians, and enforce the very strict laws in the city.


-After quickly checking in at the hotel-esque Guest Tower, and having some time before Bill and Rainbow Deva will be presented to the Council, they quickly decide to head toward the market.

-"the corn farmer wants to try to trade his cow for some magic beans. I've heard that's a thing."

-Yar tries to buy the cow with some of the peanuts the snack dispensers from the shard transmat were giving out.
"They might be magic peanuts!"

-Bill, Yarr and Morris' next stop is the clinic and being immersed in full healing tanks to help them recover from their injuries incurred trying to reach the city of Lol.


-the others go into the markets. They learn along the way that the Guardian robots don't kill you if you commit a crime, they encapsulate you into a crystal sphere. Those spheres are then auctioned off, either to family members or friends, enemies or victims, or just real weirdos.

-At the market, the farmer is disappointed to learn that there's been a general shortage of magic beans since the death of the great wizard Frijole.
He settles for selling his cow for 45gp.

-Rainbow Deva is a sucker for cheap tourist souvenirs. He got himself a baseball cap that says "Lol".  He paid an obscene amount of money for it, and later discovers the label on it saying "made in the bharata kingdoms", where he's from.

-When the others are healed up and they all meet back at the Guest Tower, they are impressed by the luxuriant conditions. Also, Morris calls room service repeatedly, once he finds out the Council is paying for everything.
"I want more cakes... oh, and some conditioner for my hair."

-"Tomorrow I want to check out this slave market of yours."
"They have slaves here? Awesome!"
"Wee do not have slaves. Wee have indentured convicts."
"Indentured? So like servants but you don't pay them."
"Hey, that's like us!"

-Bill and Morris both purchase indentured convict crystal-balls. In Bill's case, he outbid someone trying to beat him at it, and agrees to sell it to them for 100gp more than he paid, in a few hours when they get the money.

-The really stupid ship-arsonist is wandering around the market, having separated from all the others, trying to buy a boat.

-Yarr buys some huge novelty-sunglasses.

-Morris takes a few gems he had to a jeweler to sell, to his surprise what he's got is worth 27000gp!

-"You could buy a ship with that kind of money!"
"Yes, but the arsonist would just burn it."

-the money being too much to easily carry around, he gets himself a Credit Card (they have those here).  Then he goes to the market, buys a pulse rifle, and the most expensive purple Pimp Outfit he can find.


-"Hey everyone, why are you looking at me like that? Are you jealous of my wealth?"
"No, you look weird."

-"Morris is not taking his newfound wealth with quiet dignity, is he?"
"He's nouveau riche!"

-The farmer tells the other PCs the truth: that Rainbow Deva is actually just an apprentice to the real wizard who got the invitation from the Council.  When they got to the Sphincter, the Shoggoth destroyed their master while Deva and the three newbs hid inside the shard.
"well don't tell Beson.. you'll queer the deal!"
"Yes, you must not reveal my secret or you will pay sir... in rainbows!"
"Don't question the mighty power of the rainbow sir!!"

-The High Council meets. The wizards of the High Council are a mix of super-powered freaks.  Their leader is Belmunster, the super-archetypal Gandalf/Elminster/Merlin style old-dude with long grey hair pointy hat and a pipe. But there's also a frogman wizard, a fat kitty-wizard named Fluffy, a grey-realm alien wizard, a cyclops wizard, a hippie witch named Princess Fairywinkle, and more.

-There's also Sir John De La Pole, the mysterious wizard who Bill had been told was in possession of his Primo Staff.  It turns out, John De La Pole is a magic staff himself, who has attained consciousness somehow.
"How did we not see that one coming?"

-There's apparently also a wizard called the Hippomagus, that everyone was excited to get to see, but he's not there. It seems the Hippomagus has gone missing.

-The PCs are also surprised to see a Robot Wizard named "Bolt-1".
"WHAT?? Hey are you related to Bolt-0??"
"Wow. Bolt-0 has a son. And he's got daddy issues!"


-Among the crowd, the PCs also spot The Archemaster! It turns out he has come here to complain about Bill.
"It's ok, he can't do anything to us. This is neutral ground. Right?"

-While others petition for membership, the process for becoming part of the High Council of Wizards is explained: you need two council wizards to sponsor you, and you must defeat a third in a presumably non-fatal magical duel. They also abhor diabolism (having a Daemon patron), are forbidden to kill another wizard or apprentice of the council, and when you die, the council gets all your stuff. In exchange for this, you get your own tower, access to the biggest magical library in the world, apprentices and guards, contact with the spirits of dead former council-wizards, and the right to act all stuck up about how awesome you supposedly are.

-As soon as Bill steps on the petitioner's circle for his turn, the circle lights up and traps him magically!
"We all saw that one coming, right?"

-"Bill the Elf! You are a diabolist agent of Sezrekhan!"
"He's not really a bad guy..."

-"Sezrekhan schemes to take control of G.O.D.!"
"That's not my fault though. Well, I mean I did give him the Libram of the Ten Spheres, which let him do that.."

-"What have you done with the Hippomagus??"
"Hey! I seriously had nothing to do with that one!"

-The Archemaster is pleased, but knows Bill's talent for trickery.
"Be careful! He's less stupid than he looks!"
"It would be impossible for him to be more stupid than he looks."
"Hey! NOTHING is impossible for Bill the Elf!"

-"Send him to the Infinity Pit!"
"Wait! I did a lot of good! I tried to save Arkhome. I freed the Ribond. I fought the assassin king and the egg beyond. I slaughtered the eco ogres! I stopped G.O.D.! I genocided the cyber dragons! I freed the Eye Tyrants!"
"Half of those things are bad, or turned out terrible!"

-The other PCs aren't helping.
"Probe him!"
"I do not know this man."

-Without Bill, the other PCs are going to be left homeless, unless Rainbow Deva vouches for them all as his servants.
"Of course I can help you my good friends! Now, Morris, I understand that you have come into a little bit of money..."

-"You know, Yarr, you could just kill Rainbow Deva..."
"No I can't! He's a mighty wizard!"
"Seriously? His only offensive spell is Color Spray!"

-"I think I'm going to get a manicure while I'm here..."
"What the hell is wrong with you people? Your friend is facing a death sentence probably for diabolism!"
"..what friend?"

-Morris keeps taunting Rainbow Deva about being a shitty wizard until he becomes enraged, and color-sprays Morris in the middle of the street, knocking him flat unconscious!
Unfortunately his victory is short-lived, when the Guardian robots arrive in response to this violation of Lol's laws.


-Morris and Deva are both encapsulated, their judicial auction will be tomorrow. Now, being all out of wizards, the rest of the party really are homeless, down and out on the weird streets of Lol.

-They quickly split up. Yarr goes out looking for princess Fairywinkle, hoping to befriend her. And by 'befriend' I mean manipulate her like he's managed to manipulate several other slightly ditzy characters of high birth so far.

-"You have a pathological need to ingratiate yourself to ingratiate yourself to royalty, don't you?"

-She intercepts Princess Fairywinkle on the streets of Lol, being carried on a litter by four bare-chested hunks.
"Hi! Do you know if there's anywhere around here I could get a non-gluten peanut-free vegan smoothie?"
"...Get in."


-"The guy I came with killed someone, but he abused nature, and that was awful!"
"Tsk. Intolerant people have to die for the environment!  I mean, there are billions and billions of people in the world.. and that's a problem!"

-Yarr gets an invite to stay with Princess Fairwinkle at her giant Tree-Tower.
"I don't know where you guys will be spending the night, but I'm sleeping in a magic tree."
"Yeah, but you had to act like a fucking sociopath to do it."
"Yarr's a halfling. It's not an act."


-Bill finds himself in the darkness of the Infinity Pit. To his surprise, he is not alone there. Pertinax, the wizard who had cursed Bill to be routinely attacked by Minotaurs, is there too.
"Oh yeah. Pertinax got his own invitation to the council, it's true."

-"So they got you too."
"Yeah. Apparently they don't approve of my serving the Lord of Blood and Fire, or sending minotaurs over to you to be slaughtered."

-Bill has a plan! Teleportation doesn't work here, but he still has two garbage bags full of weed.
"So... you're plan is to get really high, and that will somehow summon a Shoggoth?"
"Not just any shoggoth, Bob Shoggoth! He's cool."

-Meanwhile, Yarr has been working on convincing Princess Fairywinkle that Bill is actually a 'victim' in all this, and that he could be turned toward good. She gets Fairywinkle to agree to help her win over one other member of the council (probably Cylor the Cyclops-Wizard), and then the two will sponsor Bill for a place on the Council. Bellmunster is such a Neutral Freak when it comes to the club rules that he'll have no choice but to allow the challenge, at least, to take place. This is the plan, anyways.


-The Yellow Mutant boat-arsonist, having not been with the others when they became street people, went back to the Guest Tower. Having been confused at being denied entrance to the room, and too stupid to understand what he was being told, he just hung around, hiding from staff in the servant corridors.  There, he runs into Jal'udin!

-Not realizing the Yellow Mutant is mentally disabled, Jal'udin talks to him and gets the impression that Bill had gotten his previous messages (Bill mostly did not) and agrees with his plan (Bill does not). Jal'udin tells the boat-arsonist to tell Bill that he's going to keep his part of the bargain, and steal Bill's Phylactery in exchange for Bill betraying Sezrekhan and enlisting the Wizard Council's help.

-"You realize Bill's never getting this message right?"

And that's where we leave off for this week.  Bill and Pertinax are going try to toke their way to freedom (if they can manage to summon Bob Shoggoth), Yarr is going to try to use the technicalities of the Wizard Council to free Bill, Jal'udin incorrectly believes that the PCs are ready to play a crucial part in his plan to stop Sezrekhan, and Morris is just going to keep on pimping.

It seems utterly certain that everything is set up to go horribly wrong. But the really interesting part is going to be to find out just how.


Currently Smoking: Neerup bent billiard + Image Latakia

(January 5, 2017)
Title: DCC Campaign Log
Post by: RPGPundit on February 20, 2018, 12:18:54 AM
DCC Campaign Update: Let's Go Assault a Child

We left off with the party massively split-up, mostly in the city of Lol (though a couple of PCs were still down in "the Sphincter" and presumed dead).  Bill the Elf was imprisoned by the High Council of Wizards in a place called the Infinity Pit.  Yarr the halfling had ingratiated herself to one of the council members, Princess Fairywinkle, in an attempt to negotiate Bill's freedom. Morris had ended up 'encapsulated' for fighting in the public thoroughfare with Rainbow Deva. The yellow mutant boat-arsonist had received an important message from Jal'udin the rogue, and was absolutely sure not to deliver it.


-"I don't want to play Muu anymore. I want to roll up some new characters."
10 minutes later, Muu's player has generated a blob-man, a furry space insect, and a techno walrus.
"I just wanted to play someone normal!"
"He wants to play what he's not."

-"Dude, you know how many players would love to play any of those characters?"
"fuck it, I'm playing Teal the mud-mutant warrior from my last batch."
"Thank you for wasting all our time."

-"Your mental-defective boat-arsonist is sleeping in a closet."
"Hey! He's not a mental-defective. He's Handi-capable!"

-"Notice how everyone associated with Sezrekhan is terrible at who they actually choose to trust with important things?"
"That's because Sezrekhan is the Ayn Rand of Daemons."


-"What's going to happen to Bill? I wouldn't really care, but he's sort of my ride..."

-Heidi and Teal both regain consciousness at the bottom of the Sphincter. They both survived their last plummet into the depths as they tried climbing down the canyon because their fall was broken by a large mass of rotting radioactive sludge.
"You know what this is from, right?"
"Feels like it's from a dead shoggoth who was blown to bits with dozens of atomic mini-missiles."

-"so Arnok actually saved FIVE PCs now?! That was so not the plan!"

-Teal enters the crystal shard and transmats to Lol. There's a nerdy intern waiting at the transmat platform on that end.
"Are you a wizard??"
"Um.. yes. I'm the knife wizard!"
"You're not on the list!"
"...can I see the list?"
"I'm...this guy!"
"You're Raistlin?"


-Seconds later the intern starts to see through Teals pathetic ruse, and Teal runs for it, rushing into the flying Space-Kirin's corral and hiding in a storage room.


-Heidi beams up to Lol as well.
"Hello. Have you seen a mud-mutant around here?"
"The 'Knife Wizard'? He's not a real wizard you know! He lied to me! I put my trust in him!"

-Meanwhile, Teal is quickly found by the Guardian Robots.
"I stab one with my knife!"
"The knife breaks."

-Bill and Pertinax are in the Infinity Pit, getting high as all fuck to try to contact Bob Shoggoth. Actually, Pertinax didn't want to smoke any, but second hand smoke ruined his efforts to avoid having anything to do with Bill's crazy plan. Soon, they're both stoned out of their gourds, talking about cheese.

-"Man, I've lost all respect for Pertinax now. He used to have some dignity!"
"Yeah, until he met Bill!"
"He has that effect on people."


-Bill contacts Bob Shoggoth, and just for shits and giggles has Bob show Pertinax his true visage. Pertinax starts screaming hysterically, having lost all his Sanity Points from the encounter with a Thing Man Was Not Meant To Know.


-Bob Shoggoth is leaving all of creation, because of Sezrekhan. After totally disbelieving everyone who had warned him Sezrekhan was going to fuck everything up, from his fellow PCs, to important NPCs, to the High Council, Bill instantly believes in the danger when a rastafarian shoggoth tells him so.

-Also, Bill forgets to ask Bob Shoggoth to rescue him from the Infinity Pit.
"I forgot. Things kind of went another way and I got distracted..."
"It's because he got high!"

-So Bill is still stuck in the Infinity Pit with Pertinax, who won't stop screaming and has started to bleed out of his eyes from the Lovecraftian horror.
"..this is fine."

-The blacksmith and the farmer had found a cheap inn to stay the night, and the Blacksmith goes to de-encapsulate the prisoner he'd bought at the auction earlier that day. His new indentured servant turns out to be a seemingly ditzy prostitute named Myla.

-lost in the city of Lol, trying to find absolutely any of his team-mates, Heidi (who keeps insisting his name is pronounced 'haadee') runs into a crazy madman that's screaming about how "All is Sezrekhan!!". Some of the pepperpot-shaped Guardian Robots show up and encapsulate him.


-He then runs into a whole group of people, really creepy people who are also chanting in unison that "all is Sezrekhan". They are stalking toward him trying to grab him.
"hey, look over there, it's Sezrekhan!"
"They turn to look"
"I wasn't sure that would work. I run like hell!"

-He runs into another alley where he sees a couple engaged in man-blob sexual intercourse.
"I back away slowly."

-The blacksmith and the farmer desperately  need money, in order to buy Morris' capsule at the auction tomorrow.  Myla tells them she can get them some money.
"Ok, just don't tell me where you're going to get it from..."

-Heidi runs into a weird guy who apparently mistakes him for someone else. He tries to use a secret code with him.
"The crow flies at midnight..."
"I guess so?"
"oh. Sorry, nevermind!"
"Hey, wait!! You don't know where Bill the Elf is, do you? I came with him.."
"You're with Bill the Elf?? Come with me."

-The guy leads Heidi into a hovel where there's several shady looking characters. He has found The Resistance!
Their leader is a tough smart blonde woman in a tight dress.
"Wait.. is that Myla the prostitute? The one that was with the other guys?

-"Had Bill come here to destroy the Council?"
"He wasn't very clear... he said something about joining them, or destroying them... I think Bill might be dyslexic."

-"So Bill is in the Infinity Pit... what about Morris?"
"He's been Encapsulated."
"Somehow that doesn't surprise me."

-"The council has been subverted by one or more diabolists. Those wizards who aren't corrupted are too decadent to do anything. Bill is our only hope!"
"Oh man, you're so fucked."

-"He isn't our only hope... there is another."

-Meanwhile, the next morning Yarr goes with Princess Fairywinkle to meet Cylor the Cyclops Wizard, who they hope to convince to join Fairywinkle in sponsoring Bill to go through the test of membership in the High Council, which would get him out of the Infinity Pit on a technicality.


-"You know how I found that book of zoology last night in Fairywinkle's bookshelf and spent most of the night reading through it?"
"Well, you told me that Cylor is an obsessive collector of rare birds?"
"Yes, now that you're here you see that as well as attractive young male and and female slaves, he has many gilded cages with fancy birds, plus magnificent giant cats, and a menagerie full of monsters. He's quite the collector."
"Good. So I use everything I read to talk with him about some of the animals I recognize and flatter him about his collection."
"...damn, you're good."

-As Yarr enters Cylor's tower she notes a great statue given to him in gratitude from the people of Minotauria.
"Wait.. Minotauria??"

-Yarr succeeds in convincing Cylor. But she can also act as a witness to the fact that Bill couldn't have had anything to do with the disappearance of the Hippomagus, since he'd been in the Shithole for the past several weeks.
"If Bill was not the culprit, that means that someone on the council has betrayed us all! I'm fairly sure it's Zak the Grey Alien Wizard."
"Well, I think it's John De La Pole!"
"So why do each of you think that the person you named is the traitor?"
"Well... Zak thinks he's so cool..."
"And De La Pole is all stuck up."

-At this point everyone realizes the High Council of Wizards are much like a gang of high school students.

-"So now we are allies, eh, Fairwinkle? Well, Cylor has had worse allies!"
"And once we free Bill you'll have a worse ally again!"

-"I only hope we don't come to regret this."
"They're freeing Bill, of course they're going to regret it!"

-"Man, Cylor is like one of those guys from 'I Claudius'!"


-Meanwhile, Myla has agreed to help the blacksmith and the farmer purchase and decapsulate Morris. She takes them to a Frog-man loan shark. He demands the Farmer as collateral, and gives them a 2000gp loan in exchange for them paying him back 3400gp and 98sp.

-"you just sold out the farmer, and you guys call me the psycho!"

-Heidi ends up a prisoner of the Resistance. Myla brings the blacksmith there too, hoping to confirm that Heidi isn't a secret double-agent of the High Council. Unfortunately, the two had never met until just then.
"One or both of you could be spies."
"Probably him!"
"Who were you trying to free?"
"Really? You probably don't want to free him."
"Ok, I think Heidi's legit."

-"I think Bill broke Pertinax."

-With Pertinax a 0-San lovecraftian-horror-victim, Bill does the obvious and loots his cellmate. He finds a horn which turns out to be a Horn of Dutchmen!
"Yes, you have summoned us for a while.. isn't that weird?"


-He also finds a ring of weakness and puts it on, instantly dropping his Strength and Stamina to 3.
"Damn. Oh well, I chop off that finger."

-The auction begins, and the Blacksmith turns out to be outbid on his attempt to purchase Morris. He notes that the winner of Morris' capsule happens to be a frogman.  He realizes he might have made a mistake by mentioning that Morris had thousands of gold pieces on him.
He does manage to successfully bid on Rainbow Deva.

-Teal is being auctioned at the same event. He ends up being bought, and subsequently de-encapsulated, by a mercenary bounty-hunter named Malaprex the Violent.
"What do you do?"
"I mostly kill people!"
"Me too!"
"Great! Let's go drinking!"


-At the meeting of the High Council, Cylor and Fairywinkle manipulate the technical rules of the Council to get Bill released from the Infinity Pit. They're all stunned to see him horribly weakened and missing a finger.

-"What happened to you??"
"Well, first I contacted a Shoggoth.."
"He serves the Void!"
"I don't serve the Void! I just sometimes smoke weed with someone who came from it.."


-The Archemaster was supposed to be at that meeting of the council, to complete his re-application for membership. But he's conspicuously absent.  Meanwhile, Heidi discovers that the Archemaster has been recruited into the Resistance.
"Do you serve Bill, Heidi?"
"Not really."
"...good answer."

-"Should we really be trying to blow up the high council with an enormous bomb?! I mean, what about the Sezrekhan problem? Shouldn't we be trying to form a coalition?"
"Let me tell you about coalitions: when G.O.D. awoke, a grand coalition of the great and the good took place on Mt.Parnassus. You know what they did? NOTHING. They talked and talked all through the crisis."
"Well, we're here now!"
"So if it wasn't those guys, who stopped the crisis?"
"...that's not important."

-Myla and the blacksmith follow the frogman who bid on Morris to a ki-rin rental store that appears closed. The frogman knocks on the door and gives a secret password to enter.

-a young frogboy leaves the shop shortly thereafter, heading toward the Loan Shark's shop.
"We have to stop him!"
"OK, let's go assault a child."

-Meanwhile, Malaprex the Violent and Teal (the also violent) learn that Bill has been freed by the High Council.
"Bill's head would fetch us untold riches in any of a dozen kingdoms! You need to infiltrate Bill's group again and then betray him."

-Teal gets to Cylor's tower, where Bill is staying.
"Oh it's you."
"Yes, I'm here to help"
"Good. Well... um.. go find Morris!"
"Does he even know how to find Morris? Does he know this city? Do we even have any idea where Morris is?"
"He has resources!"
"He doesn't look like he has resources. He looks like an imbecile."
"Hey! I... don't know what that word means!"


-Teal immediately proves himself an imbecile by mentioning that he's been sent by Malaprex to betray Bill.

-After taking out the little frogboy, the Blacksmith and the resistance break into the Frogman shop and steal Morris' capsule. Then the Blacksmith and one of the resistance get to the Loan Shark's place before he's been alerted to anything, and pays off his loan, freeing the Farmer. They head to Decapsulate Morris, but on the way they get intercepted in an alley... by Jal'udin and his assassins!
"Have you contacted Bill?"
"Um.. yeah, sure."
"Did he get my message?"
"...tell him to meet me at the Dancing Harpy Saloon.  It is time we worked together to stop Sezrekhan."
"Weren't you allies once before?"
"Yes, long ago... then stuff happened."
"That sounds a bit sexual..."
"What?! No! I meant I killed him"
"Ohh.. that's much better."

-Before the blacksmith can get Morris de-encapsulated, the Resistance member who'd come with him suddenly goes nuts and starts shouting that "all is Sezrekhan". The Guardians come along and "ENCAPSULATE!" the guy.
"Shit, that's too bad. Well, I'll go de-encapsulate Morris"
"The resistance guy had Morris' capsule"
"Oh fuck."
"Wow, a capsule within a capsule, how does that work?"


-The blacksmith and the farmer decide to screw the resistance, and head to find Bill at Cylor's tower.
"Wow, you must save a lot of money on sunglasses..."

-Cylor has Teal act as bait to draw out Malaprex and then quickly subdues him with his Spider Web spell.
"So, Cylor can do whatever a spider can?"

-Heidi tries to convince Myla and the Resistance to let him go to Bill, promising them he'll recruit Bill for them.
"Do you really think you can get Bill to betray the council?"
"Bill can't stop betraying people! It's in his blood."

-Worried that the blacksmith betrayed them, Myla lets Heidi go.  She and the Resistance (including the Archemaster) will go to a new undisclosed location, and carry on with their plan to blow the council to bits.

-Finally, the boat-arsonist ended up wandering the streets of Lol utterly aimlessly. Eventually, he came across a troubling scene: BOLT-1 was meeting with several of the Guardian robots. He told them that the "Organics cannot be trusted to deal with the oncoming crisis", and that their 'plan' had to be accelerated.
"You must proceed on my signal, to cleanse the entire city of all organic life."

-Naturally, he did the only thing he could. He wandered off again and stole some eggs and a skillet from a nearby household. Literally, with his intelligence level it's the only thing he could do.

That's it for this session.  Not a lot got resolved, and instead, as usual, the PCs find themselves in a rising storm of oncoming shit about to hit multiple proverbial fans.

Will they be able to solve all the various problems, save Lol, the council, organic life, and the universe? Let's face it, probably not. But it'll be fun to see just how they fuck everything up! Stay tuned.


Currently Smoking: Moretti Rhodesian + Peterson's Old Dublin

(February 17, 2017)
Title: DCC Campaign Log
Post by: RPGPundit on March 07, 2018, 03:53:19 AM
DCC Campaign Archive: He's the One With the Sombrero

Our last adventure saw the group in the city of Lol, home of the techno-walruses, the High Council of Wizards, and the Guardian Robots (suspiciously familiar-looking pepperpot shaped robots).  One or more of the council may be diabolists, there's a 'resistance' out to blow up the whole council, the wizard-robot BOLT-1 has made an alliance with the Guardian Robots to Exterminate all organic life, and the Daemon Sezrekhan is slowly taking over all of reality. That's a lot of problems building up all at once.


-Heidi gets to the palace of Cylor the Cyclops wizard. Bill is sent down to identify him as a party member. When Bill comes down, he's wearing a toga like Cylor does, but not knowing how to put it on, it looks more like a diaper.


-"I was kidnapped by rebels."
"Hey, welcome to the club!"
"They want to destroy the council."
"Them too?"

-Heidi reveals that the Archemaster has teamed up with the Rebels, and they're somehow planning to get themselves a bomb.

-"So now we're all together again, except Yarr who's staying at Fairywinkle's, and the 'handicapable' guy".
"And Morris."
"Wait, Morris isn't the guy we mean by 'handicapable'?"

-"So... your plan is to think about a plan later?"

-Suddenly, someone notices Cylor's fountain, which was a gift 'from the grateful kingdom of Minotauria'.
"Wait.. Minotauria is real!!"

-the next day the group gets a note from Fairywinkle saying that Yarr the halfling is missing.

-"Dude, the Handicapable Mutant can take care of himself in Lol."
"YOU can't even take care of yourself in Lol! You got yourself encapsulated in 10 minutes!"
"Less than 10, actually..."

-"The Archemaster is with the rebels."
"Didn't you know, Cylor?"
"Shouldn't we help them?"
"They want to destroy the council.."
"I'm ON the council!"
"Ohh... sorry. Still, though..."
"Wait, Cylor's on the council?"

-"Bill is your leader, it's his job to give you things, not mine!"
"He doesn't have anything!"
"Hey, I do too!"
"Please, you're wearing a diaper!"

-"We should all go, so you stop annoying Cylor"
"We're not annoying him!"
"Yes, you are."

-"Why do you want to find the rebels?"
"Well, because I am one!"
"Um, I just want to mention I barely know these guys, Cylor..."

-Cylor lends Bill his most attractive catamite to act as a tour guide.
" do you and Cylor... um.."
"Wrestle? Oh yes, he's a mighty wrestler!"

-"You know, now that I'm with your new characters, I even miss Ack'basha!"

-Bill and the others get to the Dancing Harpy tavern, where Jal'udin is waiting to parley with him.
"Ok, you guys stay here while I go talk to him, alright?"
They all follow him.

-"There's a single empty chair in front of Jal'udin, he gestures for Bill to sit down"
"That's fine, the rest of us get empty chairs from other tables and bring them over!"

-"You are surrounded by imbeciles, Bill. I am not your worst problem right now."
"tell me about it."

-Bill and Jal'udin can't come to an agreement about how to handle the Sezrekhan issue.  Fundamentally, Bill doesn't trust Jal'udin; if Jal'udin steals Bill's phylactery, Bill fears he'll just destroy it. Heidi has a plan:
"What if half of us go with Jal'udin, to make sure he doesn't try anything?"
"Ah yes! That is a very good idea, my friend. Surely you will be able to stop me if I try anything!"
"Um.. is Jal'udin actually giggling, or is that just you?"
"No, it's not just me, Jal'udin can't help but giggle at your suggestion."
"I think we should just leave the phylactery where it is."

-"Maybe we can Encapsulate Sezrekhan with the Guardian Robot technology?"
"That would work!"
"I really do not think that would work."
"We could ask one of the Guardian Robots... there's probably one right outside, I noticed they were following me on the way over here."
"What?? This meeting is over!"


-After Jal'udin vanishes back into the shadows, Teal goes outside, and indeed there's a Guardian robot there. He goes up to talk to it.
"Sezrekhan is a danger to all of Lol"
"He's not in the city; he's in the Crown of Creation."
"Hey guys, we've got to go to a meeting with the supreme council of robot dudes.. guys? Where did you go? Aw, fuck you guys!"


-"Are you some kind of Mighty Wizard?"
"Well, define 'mighty'.  Also, define 'wizard'. Also, define 'kind'."

-Bill purchase 23 prisoner-capsules from a suspicious old woman on the street.
"What's your name, suspicious old woman?"
"Well that's even more suspicious now!"

-Bill gets to the library and sends Cylor's catamite to go decapsulate the 23 capsules while he starts researching Emirkol's Maelstrom.
"So you're going to free 23 criminals to join your cause?"
"How is that any different from my current party?"

-Meanwhile the farmer and the blacksmith went ahead to the Mausoleum
"Hi, can you take me to see Frijole the Wizard?"
"His statue is over there; he's the one with the sombrero."
"I should have figured."


-The Farmer and Blacksmith find out they can't access the brain-jars in the Mausoleum, because they aren't wizards.
"Just out of curiosity, do you have any secondary entries or exits?"
"Only the windows, I suppose."
"Oh I see. And do you know where I could buy rope?"

-Teal is led into the headquarters of the Guardian robots.
"So just wondering, do you guys have any weaknesses?"

-Teal tells them about Sezrekhan.

-Teal learns that Bolt-1 is allied with the Guardians. Bolt-1 shows up to ask him some questions:
"No, and I've already forgotten too!"

-At the library, Bill meets Grizlor the Archivist, who watches over the entry. He's a classic wizened sage with a long white beard.
"Is this 'heidi' your apprentice?"
"No, he's a... companion."
"I see, well, he may enter with you, but NO hanky-panky in the library aisles!"

-Entering into the restricted area of the grand library proper, Bill meets Grezlor the Librarian, who looks even more wizened and has an even longer white beard.
"Wait, aren't you the receptionist?"
"No, that's my grandson!"

-Teal is kept alive by the Guardian robots, for now. He's dumped into a cell with a really weird guy with crazy white hair and odd taste in clothing.
No, not that guy.
"So um, what's your name?"
"The Guardians once called me the Oncoming Storm."
"But what's your name?"
"I have many names."
"I'll stab you!!"
"You may call me... Roman. Roman Beckett"

-"I can modify your dagger to penetrate the Guardian Robots' Guardanium-Metal shells."
"That's an awful name."

-Roman has a sonic tool to open the door, because of course he does.


-There's a guardian robot right at the door!
"Stab it in the eyestalk my boy! That's its weak spot!"
"They lied to me!!!"

-As soon as Teal starts to engage with the Guardian Robot, Roman bravely runs away abandoning him.
"Oh, fuck you!!"


-Meanwhile, the Resistance is in open revolt on the streets!
The Farmer tells the rebels he's looking for Myla and will be found at Cylor's tower.
"Are you going to kill Cylor?"
"No, I'm with Bill."
"Is Bill in the revolution, comrade?"
"Bill's a revolution in himself."

-"Hey, those are the humans over there, we should try to avoid them seeing us!"
"Bill, you're in the body of a radioactive mutant. You literally glow. You're pretty hard to miss."

-Despite their best efforts to avoid them, Bill & Heidi meet up again with the human farmer and blacksmith. They all go together to the Mausoleum, where Bill helps the farmer commune with the brain of the deceased wizard Frijole. He reveals the location of the last possible surviving batch of his magic beans.

-The brain of the deceased Wizard Emirikol allows Bill to commune with him. "I like the cut of your jib, youngster. You're a source of mayhem."
"Apparently, Emirikol was the Bill the Elf of 1000 years ago."


-"You have but 1 question left."
"Wait, you said I could ask 3 questions, and I only asked 1 so far!"
"That's why they call me Emirkol the Chaotic."


-"So you want to get to the Crown of Creation; but you can't get the Libram of the Ten Spheres?"
"Nope, I gave it to Sezrekhan."
"Alright... do you perchance have an Ancient?"
"No. I had one, but I killed her in a magical rage."

-"You could go through the abyss."
"But everything that goes into the abyss is annihilated, it will tear apart the very fabric of your reality."
"So, sort of like living with Bill!"

-Suddenly, the PCs hear an explosion in the distance!
"That sounds as though it came from the direction of the tower of the High Council!"
"Wow, the Archemaster actually managed to find a bomb after all.."

-It turns out that the PC's carelessness with Cylor alerted him to the rebels' plans, and the High Council was waiting for the Archemaster. They defeated him easily and put him in the Infinity Pit. The bomb did no real damage, and they are now hunting down the rebel leaders.
The council is concerned about why the Guardian robots did not stop the mobs on the streets, however.

-"Bill, can we try to find Myla?"
"That woman is trouble."

-An apprentice gives Bill a message, inviting him to a private meeting in the high wizard Bellmunster's tower.
"Wow, we're getting to see all the towers! If we actually go to every one of them, I think we'll get a free t-shirt or something."

-Bellmunsters tower is full of weird stuff.
"This place reminds me of the Curiosity Shop."
"I can't tell if Bellmunster is a great collector of powerful magic objects, or just a hoarder."

-"...the tower smells of pipe tobacco and wizardry."
"So, like the Pundit's house?"


-"Bill, can your servants be trusted?"
"Eh, sure, why not?"
"We can be trusted about as much as Bill!"
"Trusted for what? Because if it's to leave you the fuck alone, then no."

-"I think Cylor is the diabolist, Bellmunster."
"How do you know this?"
"A street waif told me. And he seems too trustworthy."

-"Bill, is there anything you wish to tell me?"
"I wish my brother Ted hadn't died... oh, wait, you mean about our current situation?"

-Bill and Bellmunster discuss how they might be able to reach the Crown of Creation.
"What if we used the Ancient's body?"
"Possibly. Where is the Ancient's body?"
"She died in the Palace of the Presbyterian Church. Are they still around?"
"No, they were conquered by the Sky Nazis."
"Would the Sky Nazis possibly collaborate with us?"
"Usually the Sky Nazis are the ones who make you collaborate with them!"

-"I never thought I'd be suggesting an alliance with Sky Nazis!"
"Don't worry, it's very normal; this is what happens when you spend any time around Bill."
"He's a Black Hole of Moral Degeneracy, and we're all just in his event horizon."

-"The Hippomagus was last seen in a nearby floating island called Ansuz, and he was in possession of a powerful object known as the Sun Staff."
"I had nothing to do with that."

-"Bill, I need 101gp to pay some debts."
"I also want 50gp to screw around with."
"What am I, your dad?!"

-Teal was defeated by the Guardian Robots, after Roman abandoned him. But instead of Exterminating him, BOLT-1 interrogates him and makes him an offer.
"Well, I'm totally doomed."

-Teal tells BOLT-1 that Bill wants to destroy Lol, is in league with Sezrekhan and BOLT-0, and that he'll willingly work for BOLT-1 if he's spared. In other words, an unending stream of total bullshit.

"oh yay, probing..."


-Teal agrees to serve the Guardians and BOLT-1; he's told he'll be implanted with a listening device on his right wrist which will allow him to inform BOLT-1 of anything Bill and the other people around him are doing.

-The humans find the hovel that Frijole the magician had mentioned he'd hidden the last jar of magic beans in. They find it occupied by a young drug dealer, and buy some drugs off him to get access to his outhouse (where Frijole said it was hidden). The blacksmith gets bitten by some hideous sewer lizard-rat, but they get their jar of beans.

-Teal wakes up in an alley.
"I press my wrist to tell BOLT-1 I'm ok!"
"You know you're pressing the wrong wrist, right?"
"I do, Teal doesn't."

-Teal ends up spotting the handicapable yellow mutant who has been lost wandering through the city all adventure long. Unfortunately, Teal is the only party member who had never actually met that character, so he walks right past him.

-Teal does spot, and recognize, Roman Beckett! He's in a very poor disguise (basically just a top hat and a fake beard, over his real beard).  Teal tries to attack Roman, but Roman knocks him over with some "Venusian Aikido".


-Teal agrees to take Roman to Cylor and warn everyone about Bolt-1. They get to Cylor's tower.
"I want to speak to Mr. Big eye... I mean Cylor."

-One of the two humans immediately recognizes Roman as his quirky uncle that he hadn't seen since childhood. Curiously, Roman doesn't seem to have aged a day.

-It turns out Cylor cut a deal with the mercenary, Malaprex the Violent; freeing him (after having captured him last session) in exchange for him being in charge of wiping out the Resistance. Malaprex managed to slaughter most of the Resistance's leadership, but Myla escaped.

-Teal immerses his left wrist in the Minotauria fountain.
"Ok, listen, the Guardian robots put an implant in my right wrist, but I think I'm blocking it"
"That's your left wrist, dude."
"My left..? Oh shit!"

-"BOLT-1 and the Guardians plan to exterminate all life on Lol? I find that hard to believe."


-Just then, Teal explodes! When he does, Roman was already running like hell for the exit, having apparently realized what was about to take place.  A couple of the PCs were trying to stop him, so they were near the door when the blast went off.

-"They put a bomb in me?! Man, BOLT-1 is an asshole, just like his dad..."

-"BOLT-1 betrayed us after all. We have to stop the Guardians!"
"Ah say we kill everyone! That what Teal would have wanted!"
"Actually.. that probably is what he would have wanted."

-Heidi convinces Cylor to call together an emergency meeting of the council, to alert them of the imminent peril, and to try to take out BOLT-1.

-"We need to evacuate the population!"
"There aren't enough sky-ships to evacuate the entire population of LOL."
"We could have them go into the towers..."
"..our towers?"
"I don't think so.. they'll touch my things."
"Maybe the sewers? They might be safe there, for a little while?"
"Ah yes, the sewers! That's a much better place for the commoners to go!"

-The farmer and the blacksmith, Cylor, "Uncle" Roman, Heidi and Malaprex all head to the High Council tower to meet with the other great wizards, after sending all of Cylor's remaining catamites to alert the population to evacuate or flee into the sewers.

-Meanwhile, Bill is in the Library, totally unaware of the new crisis, engrossed in studying for his new spell.
"Like a NERD!"

That's it for this session. Will the PCs be able to save Lol from the robot menace? Will they be able to form a coherent plan with the world's mightiest wizards to find a way to stop Sezrekhan from assimilating the entire universe? Will Bill finally learn his new spell? Or will they just fuck everything up as usual? Tune in next time to find out!

(but let's face it, it'll probably be 'fuck everything up' time)


Currently Smoking: Mastro De Paja Rhodesian + Image Virginia

(March 7, 2017)
Title: DCC Campaign Log
Post by: RPGPundit on March 23, 2018, 12:11:35 AM
DCC Campaign Archive: Dutchmen Just Show Up

When we left off, Bill was nerding out in the library, blissfully unaware that many of the other PCs had just survived the bomb implanted in Teal by the Guardian Robots (Teal didn't survive).  Now the secret of the Guardians' plans to kill all humans (and mutants) was out, and the PCs decided to warn the people and gather together the High Council of Wizards.

This was also the 4th anniversary of our campaign.


-"Celebrating 4 years of the DCC campaign escalated quickly into cake-buying!"


-Everyone watches Teal/Mu's player carefully to see if he eats cake as weirdly as he eats pasta.

-Mu's player asks the Pundit to make a ruling on Psychic powers.
"I'm torn. On the one hand, if Pundit gives Mu what he wants, that might someday benefit one of my characters. On the other hand, it would benefit Mu, so..."

-Pundit rules on it.
"I like that ruling! It might someday help my future characters, but it doesn't really help Mu!"

-"It's too bad Teal died.."
"Is it though?"

-"I'm cool, I'm in the library. I don't give a shit"
"Yes, but you need 2.6 more days to actually learn your spell."
"yeah, so?"
"You need the city of Lol to still exist for another 54 hours or so."
"Oh, shit."

-"OK, but technically, Bill doesn't need to be in Lol, right? He just needs the books..."

-Malaprex the Violent and Uncle Roman are whispering to each other.
"It's Ok, I trust Roman, he's family!"

-"Do you really think Bolt-1 and the Guardian Robots could hope to defeat the council's combined power?"
"I have INT 7; I don't really think that much about anything."

-"You see, BOLT-0 cannot perform magic because of his big claw hands. So he made BOLT-1, who can."
"...why didn't he just make new hands?!"
"He has mysterious ways."

-Malaprex confides with the PCs that he thinks Lol is doomed, and he really just wants to steal everything he can and get the fuck out of Dodge.

-The Guardians decapsulate Morris.
"Just relax, man."


"Ok, well, I know he fucked this green mutant witch-queen in the Shithole."

"Well, did you know he only has one testicle?"

-"Why are you lying about me to robots!?"

-The Guardian Robots explain to Morris how Teal was blown to bits when they implanted a bomb in him, but failed to kill Bill the Elf.
"Why are you telling me this?"
"..OK, sure!"

-in all this, Heidi had been on his way to Bellmunster's tower, when he was attacked in an alley by a group of vicious cats with paralyzing bites and the ability to sprout wings. They flew his paralyzed body to a tower, whose inner architecture had the form of an enormous cat-palace.


-Heidi is revived by Fluffy the Cat, archwizard of the High Council.


-He speaks telepathically, through his human, who is held in a human-sized carrying-cage.
"Tell me, Heidi... what do you most desire?"
"To save the people of Lol!"
"Such a selfless desire... this is odd for someone who chooses to travel with Bill the elf!"
"I never really got a choice."

-"Heidi didn't choose the Bill Life, the Bill Life chose him!"

-"I have an offer for Bill, to defeat Sezrekhan and keep his current level of power."
"Not interested."

-Heidi is allowed to leave, through the exit, which consists of an enormous brass door with a large cat-flap.

-Malaprex, Roman and the humans are in the sewers, trying to find another entrance into the turbolifts leading to the spacedocks, because the regular terminal is flooded with panicking crowds trying to escape the city. In the sewers, they run into a blob-creature, which malaprex promptly shoots to pieces.
"You know, that might just have been like, an alien guy."
"I don't care."

-Next, they run into a group of frog-people.

-"I guess you guys can come with us; welcome to the mercenary life."
"We are not mercenaries. We are freedom-fighters."
"well, we fight for economic freedom..."
"Economic freedom is a fundamental Kekistani value!"


-Having failed to use Heidi as a messenger, Fluffy the Cat sends a messenger-cat to Bill, in the Library. The cat explains to Bill that the city is on the verge of total chaos.
"Man, when did things start to go so wrong?"
"I'm pretty sure it was Bill's first adventure."

-Mu was looking for Bill, and gets to the library entrance after making his way past frantic mobs and rioters. There, he meets Grizlor the Library-Receptionist Wizard.
"I'm looking for Bill the Elf. I'm a wizard!"
"Are you his apprentice?"
"I was, until he left me stuck in the Shithole."
"Is that what the young people are calling it these days?"

-"Do you know what's going on out there, Grizlor? Aren't you going to run for it?"
"No. I was born in this library, and I'll die in this library."


-"The library is very large. It's larger on the inside. I'll get a page to guide you to Bill."
"Like, an animated page from a book?"
"No, just a servant."

-The page and Mu walk in on Bill stuffing books into his Breifcase of Holding, having been warned about the eminent potential destruction of Lol.  The cat-messenger was acting as his lookout, but Bill totally ignored his warning mews.

-"Theft!! Theft!!"
Bill Planar Steps out of there.

-Mu is pissed.
"That asshole of my former master left with a bunch of books."
"wah wah my ex is an asshole, he left me in the Shithole... man up, dude."

-"So is this place defended?"
"Not really, but I trust that the council will take care of these problems shortly."
"You're fucked dude, I'm out of here."

-Morris has been freed by the Guardian Robots.
"Is there any shooting happening?"
"no, though you hear shooting in the distance."
"That's music to Morris' ears."

-"Is my credit still good?"
"Well, most of the city is on fire, so no."

-Morris was left near the library, and he sees Mu coming out, all pissed. A bit later, both see this thing that looks vaguely like The Predator come out of the library.
"I'm betting that's something that's been sent to hunt down Bill for stealing books. Let's follow it!"


-Heidi gets to the outside of Bellmunster's tower, only to run into a crowd of people who have become Sezrekhan-zombies. He manages to bluff them by walking past them with the same blank stare repeating "all is Sezrekhan".

-Bellmunster's Owlbear Butler opens the door to the tower.
"All is.. er, I mean, I need to talk to your master."


-Bellmunster has other animals servants: a duck cook, disney-style animated brooms, and dire-weasel guards.
"Dire weasels are the deadliest predators of Bellmunster's tower!"


-Bellmunster is trying to get the wizards together to do an assault on the Guardian Robots' HQ, now that the Guardians have started to come out and Exterminate people. While Heidi waits, Bellmunster has a platypus in a doctor's outfit give him a healing potion.


-Roman, Malaprex, the frogmen and the humans had originally joined a merchant to get to his merchant ship, but then they set their minds on a much more impressive Grey Realms Transdimensional Mercenary Cruiser. Only, it's got a protective force field defense system that's disintegrated anyone who comes near it. Roman thinks he's figured out how to disrupt it; but to test it, they throw the merchant toward the ship. The merchant gets disintegrated.
"Hmmm... give me a sec."

-They try again, for which purpose the Blacksmith shanghais a random organge mutant. This time, the disruption worked!
"We're good!"
"I helped!"
"Yes, you did. Welcome to the exciting life of a mercenary!"

-"Yes Heidi, for getting past the Sezrekhan crazies, you get 1 XP. Which is more than any of you have gained in the last two sessions."

-"This has been a very interesting adventure, but not big on XP."
"Yeah, we haven't had many fights for the last while."
"Just you fucking wait!"

-Inside the mercenary cruiser, the Blacksmith and the Kekistanis raid the armory. The Blacksmith gets himself a top-of-the-line Exoarmor with a jet pack attachment. The farmer gets aquapants.
"What the fuck are aquapants?"
"They're pants that look like they're made out of water. Grey Realm beings are weird."

-While following the Predator, Morris & Mu find a giant hamster (about the size of a pig). It appears to be someone's pet, who was set free before they fled. Morris feeds it some peanuts, and Mu decides to take it with him.
"What are you doing with that thing??"
"I need love!"

-"I'm going to blow the Horn of Dutchmen"
"One sec, I have to look up just how that works again.."
"I'm pretty sure that Dutchmen just show up."
"...Yup, you're right."

-"You know, we could use this mercenary cruiser's dimensional drive to.. well, no, that would be a bad idea."
"A bad idea, Uncle Roman? Tell me more!"
"Well, we could try to make a short jump inside the dome that covers Lol."
"You really think that's a better idea?"
"Well, define 'better'."

-"If this doesn't work, will we all die?"
"I like those odds!"

-Heidi tells Bellmunster about Roman Beckett. Bellmunster decides that he will find him on his cystal ball, and teleport him over. He finds Roman working on his calculations in the ship.
"Should we take anyone else?"
"Yeah, take those two human guys with him."

-Roman and the humans are teleported to Bellmunster's tower. Seconds later they can see the flash of light in the sky as Malaprex and the Kekistanis take off, abandoning them.
"son of a bitch!"
"Well, there goes the exciting life of a mercenary."

-"I've brought you here Roman, because Heidi says you know a great deal about the Guardian Robots. You may be our only chance to defeat them."
"And why were we brought here?!"
"Heidi felt the two of you might also be useful."
"That's a fucking lie! You KNOW we're useless!"

-Bill gets to Fluffy's tower, but runs into Myla and the resistance. Bill agrees he'll help them to wipe out the Guardians (mostly just to shut the resistance up) but that first he has to go to the tower. Myla insists on going with him.
"I don't trust you!"
"Why not? I love genocide!"

-"I suppose I don't have much choice. But if you betray us, I will get you back!"
"Hey, I betray a LOT of people. But you never know, you might just be the lucky one!"

-Not allowed to follow Bill into Fluffy's sanctum, Myla comes back out just in time to see Morris, Mu, and the "Predator".
"Where's Bill?"
"He's inside."
"I'm here to kill him!"

-The Predator can't seem to enter the Tower, either due to wards, or its magical programming. So Mu steps up to the door and knocks. A cat comes out of the catflap.
"Is Bill here?"
"Can I come in?"
"Can you give him something from me?"
"This pinless grenade?"
"Oh. Ok, then I'll wait for him here."

-Bellmunster and Roman set up a plan whereby they'll teleport inside the Guardian HQ and sabotage the Guardian's communications network.
"Well, good luck with that, guys!"
"We should all go!"
"...fuck you, Heidi."
"you can go if you want, dude, but not me."
"We should take them all, Bellmunster. Random cannon fodder was very useful to me last time I was in the Guardian's base."
"'re becoming my least favorite uncle."

-"Don't worry, I've been against worst odds."
"I haven't."
"Oh.. well, in that case you'll probably die."

-Bill meets Fluffy.
"Welcome, Bill the elf! The city of Lol is doomed!"
"That's too bad, the brains were pretty cool."
"Yes, I also like brains."
"Um, I meant in the mausoleum, the brains of deceased archwizards."
"...Yes... that's what I meant as well..."

-"Man, I would have liked for Bill to hang out with Emirikol."
"I think one Bill per era is more than enough."
"Zero is really the ideal."

-"You must see by now, Bill the elf, there is no purpose in serving Sezrekhan anymore. You could serve MY master instead: Rataxes the Imprisoned."
"Could we free him?"
"That is the idea. Together, we could free him."
"Yes! That sounds totally awesome!"

-Fluffy explains that he is not only the diabolist in the High Council, he's also the one who's responsible for the Hippomagus' disappearance; having tricked him into going to get a powerful artifact called the Sunstaff and then imprisoning him.
"But.. you're not going to trick me, are you?"
"Of course not!"
"Ok, cool."


-According to Fluffy, Rataxes (if liberated) could use the Sunstaff to pierce the Crown of Creation itself, kill Sezrekhan, and take the place of G.O.D.
"But then wouldn't we have the same problem as with Sezrekhan"
"No. He would not wish to assimilate all into himself like Sezrekhan does. He would want to rule over the world and plunge it into eternal darkness."

-"So he's a sadist, not a narcissist. Cool!"
"The 'darkness eternal' thing isn't sending any warning signs to you?"

-"So, after we conquer the world, we can still go adventuring, right?"
"... we, the loyal servants of Rataxes, would RULE the world! There would be no need to adventure!"
"But, then what would we do all the time?"
"Torture lesser creatures, eat, sleep, groom our fur, many things!"
"So, stuff cats do all the time..."

-Bill takes a look out the window of the tower, sees that Morris is still down there.
"Hey, Morris!"
"Hey, Bill!"
"Tell the rest of the group... goodbye!"

-"Bill, wait... can I go with you? Look at my puppy-dog eyes!"
"sorry, no time!"

-"So, are we ready to teleport to the Guardian Headquarters?"
"Remember, even if we die, what we do today we do for the city of Lol, and the High Council of wizards!"
"Screw you, you bearded asshole!"

-In spite of the Farmer and the Blacksmith wanting nothing to do with it, they (along with Bellmunster, Roman, and Heidi) teleport into the Guardian Headquarters.
"Now what?"
"We need to get in that room, guarded by two of the robots.  We can use the farmer as a distraction."
"Don't worry, we'll rescue you."
"Why did you just laugh as you said that??"
"It was nervous laughter."


-After the farmer provided a distraction, the rest of the team broke into the control room. While Roman frantically tried to hack the communications system, Bellmunster and the PCs were forced to hold off oncoming Guardian Robots. Bellmunster demonstrates his awesome wizardly power, but he's also quickly taking hits (hits that would have killed any lesser mortal). The blacksmith hides behind a panel. Heidi shoots his gun at the robots, knowing full well his bullets can't actually hurt them, and counting on the robots ignoring him and hitting Bellmunster instead.

-Roman gets control of the Comms, and issues the order that all the Guardian Robots should move immediately to the main entry hall of the HQ. Bellmunster prepares to teleport the other PCs out.
"but... you're staying?"
"Don't fear for me. I will finish them, and survive."
"I wasn't really fearing for him, but I'll let him think I was. I'm actually thinking about looting his tower if he dies."

-Bellmunster teleports the team outside, near the market. In the distance they can see massive signs of damage from the epic battle the rest of the Council members (those who answered Bellmunster's call, that is) had with the Guardians.
"I wonder if any of them are still alive?"

-Just then, the Guardian's Headquarters explodes in a massive fireball! Bellmunster clearly used some serious spellburn to blow up all the Guardians after hacking them to gather in one place... but did he live?


-Finally, Bill and Fluffy teleported themselves to another high-orbit asteroid, a seemingly uninhabited one called Gebo.
There, they see a large black monolith.
"Within, we shall find our destiny."

-"I hope Bill gets the AIDS."

That's it for this session. Who on the council survived? Is Bellmunster alive? Has the threat of the Guardian Robots been stopped? Will Bill and Fluffy free yet another universe-threatening demon?

Stay tuned for these and other exciting developments in our next session!


Currently Smoking: Blatter Diplomat + C&D's Crowley's Best
Title: DCC Campaign Log
Post by: RPGPundit on April 10, 2018, 11:59:37 PM
DCC Campaign Update: Like That Scene From Total Recall, but in Your Ass

When we left off, the party had mostly just witnessed the destruction of the evil Guardian Robots' headquarters, in a huge fireball caused by Bellmunster, the head of the High Council of Wizards.  It was uncertain how many of the high council had managed to survive the battle.
Bill the Elf witnessed nothing, however, because he'd buggered off with Fluffy the Cat, a wizard of the High Council who was secretly a diabolist in the service of a daemon called Rataxis the Imprisoned. They had teleported to a barren sinister asteroid called Gebo, where there was a black monolith that Fluffy explained was the entryway to his master's prison; it was also where Fluffy had used trickery to trap the Hippomagus, after tricking him into retreiving an incredibly powerful artifact called the Sunstaff.

-Mu is still in the sewers, with Myla and her rebels. He uses his psionic power to communicate with animals to talk to his pet Giant Hamster. He's surprised to find he has a fancy posh type of voice.
"Oh of course I do my good man, hamsters are the aristocrats of the giant rodent world."

-"I'll call you Puffybottoms or something like that!"
"That name is idiotic."
"Oh, then what's your name?"
"Sir Mortimer Hufflesnuffs!"

-Morris, meanwhile, is lost in a different part of the sewers, alone.
"Mu abandoned Morris... Bill abandoned Morris..."
"Even the Guardian Robots abandoned me!"

-Yarr the halfling sniper has been missing for days; it turns out she'd been kidnapped... by the Time Dinosaurs! They talk to her in dinosaur; she tries to talk back and they seem very offended!


-Through an incredibly shitty game of charades, the Time Dinosaurs manage to explain to Yarr that she needs to get a crystal orb to Bill the Elf.  They don't manage to explain what the fuck it's for.

-While the blacksmith goes off to loot the city, Roman and Heidi search the rubble of the Guardian HQ to see if they can find any of the high wizards. They come across the shattered remnants of Sir John De La Pole.
"Does he have anything to loot?"
"No, he was a staff. It's not like he had pockets."

-Next they find Zak, the artistic wizard, next to his shattered flute.
"He died as he lived... like an idiot."

-They keep finding remains of the various wizards; it turns out that everyone on the council who was present at the battle died, except for Princess Fairywinkle.  They found her with the decapitated corpse of Bellmunster the archwizard; he had survived the massive fireball he created, but it seems that he was slain by Bolt-1 after the explosion, when he was nearly-helpless from massive spellburn.
"Bolt-1 is a real asshole!"


-Bill is with Fluffy in front of the monolith. He asks Fluffy if he can finish studying for his new spell before they go in, and Fluffy agrees.  Then Bill suddenly springs the runestone of sleeping on Fluffy and his carrier, and both fail their saves and fall unconscious. He murders them both!

-"Holy shit!"
"Yes, I betrayed them."
"Shouldn't everyone have expected that?"
"Fluffy sure didn't."

-Just as Bill was about to settle in to finish studying his spell, Yarr teleports in.
"I have this orb for you.. it might be a bomb."

-Bill wants to send Yarr back to Lol, but having recently had an experience using spellburn that made him worried that he might get hit by the "all is sezrekhan" bug, he chooses to take a Corruption to cast Planar Step instead.  His corruption ends up mutating his head into a snake's head.


-Then he fails his spell anyways.
"Oh well, I guess you're stuck here for today. hss"
"OK, but I'm not going to be sleeping!"

-Morris, wandering through mostly abandoned city streets, runs into a trio of council-apprentices, a guy who looks like some kind of viking-wizard covered in strange runes, and a robot emu.


-The Viking Wizard ends up Charming him.
"He now interrogates you to find out everything you know. Unfortunately, he quickly learns you  know nothing of use."
"That's my defense mechanism!"
"The less you know..."


-Myla finds out from Mu that the entire high council other than Fairywinkle are dead.
"Maybe you could talk to her!"
"Yes... maybe we could 'talk' to her."
"No, I mean maybe she will really be reasonable!"
"Yes... maybe she really 'will' be reasonable."
"Stop doing that!"

-Obviously, Myla plans to murder Fairywinkle and everyone left at the wizard tower.
"Remember, Mu, don't cross us.  There's room for the bourgeoisie in our revolution, so long as they have revolutionary tendencies."
"I'm not bourgeoisie! I came from the Shithole!"

-"Hey Yarr, while I study my spell, go into that monolith and free the Hippomagus!"
"No thanks."
"But he'll be grateful!"
"Will he?"

-Mu makes it to the tower, and asks to speak to the person in charge. They send him to Roman, who wasted no time in becoming the chief administrator.

-Mu claims that Bill was allied to Bolt-1 & the Guardian robots.
"Heidi, Mu here claims that Bill kept saying he'd destroy the council?"
"Well, he kept alternating between 'talk-to' and 'destroy'. I think he's dyslexic or something."

-"Heidi, do you remember Morris?"
"Unfortunately, yes."

-Mu, who's by now tired of having to carry the giant hamster everywhere (because he's too posh to walk), gifts Sir Mortimer Hufflesnuffs to Princess Fairywinkle, much to her delight.

-Unfortunately for Yarr and Bill, the Monolith-gate requires solving a riddle to open.  Fluffy probably knew that riddle. They can't figure it out, lacking some vital information. It requires saying 'the name', but just what the name is doesn't seem clear. Below, the riddle is signed "Zuman the Magnificient" but that is apparently NOT the name required.
"I'll try the name of every mighty wizard I know... which is like six."

-When the Viking Wizard learns that almost the entire council is dead, he decides it's time to start looting their towers. He takes his charmed thrall Morris with him, to act as his door-opener and human shield. Morris gets in through a window, and the first thing he loots is... a bucket. From what is very obviously a closet.
"I empty it and put it on my head. Safety first!"


-Morris gets to a room where a transparent magical spiked-wall appears and starts trying to crush him.
"Does it look like a magical trap?"
"It's a glowing ethereal wall that is slowly moving toward you."
"So yes?"

-"Chancellor Roman has already spoken with the sky-nazis without you. He thought you were busy."
"So he's chancellor now?"
"Yes. He even has a sash that says 'chancellor' on it".

-Heidi is sent out to deal with the huge mob that Myla has gathered with the intention of massacring everyone in the High Council tower.
"Myla, we have to make peace. There's sky-nazis approaching."
"well, I mean, we asked them to come. They're here to help us with something."

-After Myla seems unwilling to make peace with a Wizards' council that's ready to make a pact with Sky-Nazis (who'd want to murder 9/10ths of Lol's population), Heidi decides to ease things along by using his new Ring of Human Control (obtained from the wizard Roncha's corpse) on Myla.
"I need you to give us some time."
"We will give you some time."
"Myla, what??"
"Oh, and we need you to let the sky-nazis through the spaceport when they arrive."
"We will let the Sky-Nazis through the spaceport when they arrive."
"Myla, what??!"

-Myla goes back with her people to the spaceport terminal, for now. Heidi reports to Roman.
"I have to say, you're an amazing diplomat."
"How in the world did you manage that?"
"Well.. um.. I used a ring of human control."
"I see. Well, you know that will only work for a short while and when she comes out of it, she'll know you were mentally dominating her, right?"


-Heidi tries to use the Ring of Human Control on Roman, but finds that it has no effect.
"Hmm.. Roman only LOOKS human?"

-Morris makes his way through the tower of the late wizard John De La Pole, finding that he has to fight against animated quarterstaff guardians. He goes full-apeshit on them with his particle beam cannon.

-Finally opening the front door for his 'friend' the Wizard Viking, they start to explore the tower in earnest, with the wizard-viking making Morris take all the risks, of course.
"I don't see any normal traps on this door.. any magic traps?"
"Um... no."
"Ok my friend!"
"You go ahead..." (the viking wizard backs away)

-They find a hollow metal jewel-encrusted staff.
"It looks like a thinner staff could have fit inside it."
"wait.. is that like.. De La Pole's dinner jacket?"

-At one point, the two are separated by a magical trap. The Viking Wizard is forced to retreat back to the exit, while Morris has to go further up the tower.  He finds his way up to the top floor where there's a treasure room! But as he opens the door (finding a room with 10 obviously magical staffs inside, one of which may be Bill's famous and long-lost Primo Staff), a Staff-Golem (a huge humanoid creature made out of many smaller staffs combining into one giant staff-creature) appears!  Unfortunately, the golem beats Morris into unconsciousness.

-"So the wizard Roncha had a ring of human control... that.. ugh.. that actually explains a lot."
"Why do I have a feeling that Roncha was like the Bill Cosby of the High Council of Wizards?"


-"I want to get out of here as quickly as possible; this place is turning into a Shithole already!"

-The Council decides to negotiate with Myla and her revolutionaries. They send Heidi and Mu to negotiate.
Incredibly, Heidi's gift of gab manages to keep them from being strung by piano wire, and the revolutionaries agree to the Council's terms (which amounts to them being allowed to live, and to keep control of the wizard-parts of Lol, while giving up all political power).

-"We found this guy in one of the towers, we think he's associated with you. He's been brutally beaten by poles."

-"Morris, you've been probed by the Guardian Robots.  There's a bomb inside you!"
"Don't worry, we can remove it. But we're going to have to Deprobe you."
"It's going to be like that scene from Total Recall, but in your ass."

-"If something goes wrong and I explode, remember that Bill the Elf is an asshole! And destroy Tholia for me!"

-"Good news! The Deprobing was successful! Your friend will live and is recovering."
"That's not good news."

-"There's a viking wizard I know.."
"I don't want to know about your fetishes."
"No, he was with me at the Pole thing!"
"Stop it! Shut up!"

-"I hope Bill comes back. He's a powerful ally! Well... he's powerful."

-The revolutionaries have set up a 'supreme soviet' to govern the city.


-Mu headed to the Library, where he meets Grozlor, grandson of Grilzor, and great-great-grandson of Grezlor, the new receptionist-librarian.

-"Hopefully the Sky-Nazis will be reasonable!"

-Roman plans to bluff the Sky-Nazis into leaving the area, until the PCs have recovered the soul of Alice. When this is accomplished (by somehow going down to the Hell realm and bringing it back with them), the Sky-Nazis will provide a cloned body of the Ancient girl for the soul to inhabit. Then she will hopefully be able to use the Command Codes to get them up into the Crown of Creation to stop Sezrekhan. Of course, the Sky-Nazis plan to restore G.O.D. to full power and have him kill every mutant in the world.

-After an entire session spent trying to learn his new spell, Bill the Elf's player rolls a natural-1 on his learning check.


-Meanwhile, thousands of miles away on Lol:
"Did you guys just hear something?"
"It sounded like a complete asshole just cried out in anguish."

-"Well, look at it this way, when you level up, you can try to learn it again."
"Great. So I just need about 100xp until I can try it again."

That's it for this session. What will Bill do next? Will the PCs really be heading down to Hell? Stay tuned for our next session to find out!


Currently Smoking: Stanwell Deluxe + Image Latakia

(April 4, 2017)
Title: DCC Campaign Log
Post by: RPGPundit on April 19, 2018, 02:52:46 PM
DCC Campaign Update: "Mein name is... Beinrich"

When we left off, Bill the (snake-headed) Elf was on a barren asteroid with Yarr, having just failed to learn his spell. The rest of the gang were in the city of Lol, having defeated the Guardian Robots but now facing a potential sky-Nazi invasion.


-"You know, if Bill can't manage to succeed at a Planar Step he might just spend the whole adventure starving to death on an asteroid."
"No I won't, I have rations!"

-Tonut The Blacksmith levels up and becomes Tonut the Cleric.
"I got Holy Sanctuary! Oh wait, it's called Ack'Basha's Holy Sanctuary"
"Actually, it's just called Ack'basha's Sanctuary; there's nothing holy about Ack'basha."

-"I also got Detect Evil."
"How's that going to work?"
"In this campaign, it's like an episode of Oprah: 'look under your chairs, and yes.. EVERYONE is evil!!"
"No. It's 'Detect Evil', not 'Detect Horrible Assholes'. If it was that, then yes, you'd go blind any time you cast it."


-Frustrated about his failing to learn the spell, Bill finally picks up the Time Dinosaur orb; it turns out to be a hologram orb, which shows a Time Dinosaur explaining a very detailed mission breakdown for Bill. Unfortunately, it's all in dinosaur, so Bill doesn't get any of it.

-"Bill, I get the feeling you don't give a shit anymore."
"Hey man, I have a motherfucking snake head now!"

-Failing to cast a powerful enough Planar Step to get himself and Yarr off the floating island, he decides to risk spellburn. Unfortunately, he fails his saving throw and turns into a Sezrekhan zombie!
"All is Sezrekhan!"

-"So I have to play another PC?"
"Yup. Who knows when Bill will regain his free will, after all."
"Can't I talk to Sezrekhan?"
"No. You are a part of Sezrekhan now."
"The question is, what part?"

-"So we're free of Bill? Awesome."
"Well, sort of awesome, he was the highest level of us, by far."
"ohh fuck.. you know what this means, right? Now Morris is your leader!!"


-Lucky for Bill's player, one of his former characters, the psychopath Weaver Wizard, was last seen with the Sky-Nazis. So he takes that character back up for now. He's sent by the Sky-Obergrupenfurher to infiltrate the city of Lol, accompanied by a sky-gestapo agent named Schmidt. They are supposed to find out if the wizard council has been sufficiently weakened for the Sky-Nazis to invade. For infiltration purposes, they are given incredibly silly outfits; in the Weaver's case the most stereotypical wizard outfit imaginable.
"So like, gandalf or something?"
"No, more like Mickey Mouse from Fantasia."


-Also, as backup the two get secondary "tourist" costumes: shorts, sunglasses, and stupid T-shirts. And retractable-lugers.
"Sky-nazis are really bad at infiltration."


-A local streetgang by the name of the 'Lol City Gaylords' are trying to steal Tonut the Cleric's new retractable-hoverbike.

-Tonut makes short work of them. Looting them, he gets himself a retractable-club and a retractable-comb.

-Mu is studying his spell in the library, and finds himself attacked by a horrific giant insect with phasing powers, that came out of a dimensional crack in the corner!


-"Hi, my name is Argos, I'm a wizard, and I'm not a sky-nazi!"
"Ya, und I am his bulter, und I am also not a sky-nazi. Mein  name is... Beinrich."
"That's an.. unusual accent."
"Oh yeah.. um.. he's Dutch!"
"Ya, I am Dutch... isn't that..strange?"

-The Weaver Wizard and Schmidt, still in disguise after being let into lol, run into Tonut the Cleric.
"Heil, how are you?"

-"You appear to be of good racial stock, mein friend!"
"ok... I'm going to go now..."
"oh ya.. well, seig you later!"

-The Sky-Nazi agents are suspected, so they're taken to be interviewed by Heidi.
"So, where do you come from?"
"The... Northern Continent"
"Oh yeah?"
"Ya. We are from the city of... Northerncontinentia!"
"Oh really? Well.. I'm also from the Northern Continent and I never heard of that place!"
"Oh ya? Then where are you from?"
"I um.. from the city of Northeasterncontinentia"
"Ok ya."


-"So you're both humans?"
"Ya, this is right. Here are my papers!"
"um.. ok."
"And you're not human?"
"Well, I have green skin and six toes, so no."
"you look good, though."
"Oh.. ya I also agree with my friend, you look good so I feel almost no disgust even being in the same room as you. Very little bile is rising in my throat at this time."

-Heidi, having confirmed they're both humans, uses the Ring of Human Control.
"Who are you really?"
"Ve are sky-nazi agents!"

-"So what would you do if you were in my position?"
"If I was in your position, I would kill myself as a racial degenerate!"

-"So I guess we're prisoners now?"
"Can I just ask... what gave us away?"

-"We'll have to give Morris more time to recover from his deprobing... there were... complications."

-Tonut the cleric tries everything he can to get himself a date with Myla. He finally gets her to agree to a "date" that's actually a strategic meeting between her and Roman.
"So it's a date!"
"It's a meeting."
"Yeah, it's a date!"


-Roman interrogates the Weaver Wizard.
"This might be a bit of a personal question but... do you have a portal inside you?"
"Yes, the Dark Ones put it there. It leads to the Gnomish underworld."
"Well, that's new."

-"If the Dark Ones put a portal inside you, I'm not sure how, but maybe we might be able to alter the portal destination to go elsewhere."
"That will probably involve a lot of probing..."

-"You know Roman, at some point you'll have to come clean about who you really are..."
"Maybe. But probably not to a sky-nazi."

-"So let me get this straight, Tonut. You want me, the Chancellor of the High Council, to go with you to meet Myla, the premier of the Revolutionary government, so you can seduce her?"
"That's my boy!"

-"I have another question for you Tonut: what's a 'gaylord' and why is it printed on the back of your leather jacket?"
"Oh yeah. I should probably have that patch removed."


-Heidi and Tonut are interrogating Schmidt. He wants Schmidt to tell the Obergrupenfuhrer and his sky-nazi fleet that Lol is too well defended to invade.
"He's going to betray us."
"Nein.. I am not going to..."
"You're using the 'I'm going to betray you' voice right now!"

-Heidi caresses the sky-nazi's cheek with his mutant hand.
"you know, there are fates worse than death..."
"Heidi is a pacifist, but he believe in love..."
"Look, Schmidt... I can't control Heidi's unnatural mutant lust. You'd better get on board."


-Mu gets a meeting with Grizlor.
"Can I get Bill's staff? I was his apprentice after all."
"Well, if anyone on the council had it, it would have been John Delapole. He was a great collector of staffs. He was kind of obsessed with it.. perhaps because he was a staff himself."

-Grizlor and his grandson Grezlor determine that the insect-creature that attacked Mu was something called a Dimension Bug.
"There's very little that is known about them. They exist in a different dimensional vibration, and they are mortal enemies of the Time Dinosaurs."
"That explains everything, actually... though not in character."

-"Now go finish studying your spell, Mu, and work hard. If you do, one day, hundreds of years from now, you might get to be where I am today!"
"Oh great. Ok, I'm going.."
"Wait! Here, have a shiny silver piece you young scamp. Spend it on moon-pies and pennywhistles!"

-Faced with inter-species homo-eroticism, Schmidt gives in and agrees to work with the PCs.
"I think you should know one more thing. Mein name is not Beinrich.. it is Heinrich."

-Roman and Tonut have a meeting at the Dancing Harpy tavern with Myla.
"You should relax a little, Myla!"
"Well, it is true that one of the goals of the revolution is to maximize the happiness of the people..."
"I happen to have some ideas about maximizing your happiness..."


-After all that effort, Tonut only gets a tavern dance and a kiss on the cheek for his trouble.

-Roman frees the Weaver Wizard in exchange for a promise of service. Argos almost immediately attacks Roman, getting a natural-20 on Chill Touch, murdering a bunch of people with the effect, but Roman is much much tougher than he looks, and drops the wizard with a knock-out effect from his sonic tool.

-"We all learned a valuable lesson today: never trust a Sky-nazi!"

-"Schmidt was just born a sky-nazi; I was made one!"

-Once the Weaver Wizard Argos is restrained, Roman gets him alone and turns all sinister and ominous. Just before he kills the wizard, Roman whispers into his secret into the wizard's ear.
"So Bill's player knows now, but he's not telling."
"Just imagine it was something like 'hail hydra'".


-Heidi gets visited in the night by one of Jal'udin's assassin-lackeys.  He decides to meet with Jal'udin, again in the Dancing Harpy, and takes Tonut the cleric with him. The locals all greet Tonut warmly, remembering him from his drunken revelry the other night.
"I regret nothing, except the techno-walrus belly-rubbing contest."

-Jal'udin shows up, and thinks the PCs' plan to go to Hell is insane. He wants to try to find some other Ancient complex and hopefully another cryogenically-frozen ancient inside. He also note that the Sezrekhan-zombie phenomenon is not spreading at a universally equal rate; instead, it seems concentrated in areas where bonded agents of Sezrekhan are present.
"I back away a bit from Jal'udin.."

-"Give me two weeks to find an ancient complex."
"You have four days."
"If you must, go on with your plan but I will not go with you to Hell."
"You just told us you have Sezrekhan-AIDS. We don't really want you to come with us!"

-"If you insist on your plan and I have not yet found a promising ancients' complex, I will give you a couple of my men to accompany you."
"Will they be your best men?"
"No. I won't risk my best men on this insane plan. They will be merely competent."
"If they're merely competent, they'll still be way better than us!"

-Mu is attacked by another Dimension Bug! He spellburns to defeat it, but the spellburn leaves him unable to say anything other than his name.
A little later, through the same dimensional crack in the corner of his study area, something else is coming through.

-It turns out to be a person this time!
"Where am I? Who are you?"

-Grezlor the Librarian shows up.
"Who is this?"
"This wizard seems to have spellburned, he can't say anything other than his name. Can you tell me where we are?"
"You are an intruder in the great library of Lol! And who are you?"
"Me? My name is... Ack'basha."


And on that shocking development, we leave you for today! Stay tuned next session for more DCC excitement!


Currently Smoking: Masonic Meerschaum + Image Virginia

(April 19, 2017)
Title: DCC Campaign Log
Post by: RPGPundit on May 02, 2018, 02:38:53 AM
DCC Campaign Update: "We Hope To Save At Least 70% of Morris' Ass"

The PCs ended last session having temporarily removed the Sky-Nazi menace, only to face a new cliffhanger as someone claiming to be Ack'basha the (very dead) Cleric has come out of a tear in space-time caused by the Dimension Bugs.



-"Right now, with Bill gone and Morris out of action, Heidi is our leader!"
"Yes, only by process of elimination though."

-"Grizlor, Grezlor and Grazlor have a lesser-known relative called G-Rizzlor, the black sheep of the family. He's the curator of the lesser known Lol City Museum of Rap Wizardry."


-Heidi and Tonut are having a barely-deserved break in the Dancing Harpy tavern, when a hysterical woman comes in. Her husband Sam was apparently taken by the Dimension Bugs.
"Take us to where this happened!"
"Are you some kind of heroes?"
"Well... some kind."

-"Sadly, this moment just now was the most typically heroic-fantasy scene this campaign has ever had!"

-The two "heroes" proceed to the woman's hovel.
"I push Heidi inside ahead of me with my mace."

-"Here's the slime trail he left when he was taken.. my Sam struggled with all his pseudopods but it was no good!"
"Wait.. your husband is some kind of slime-monster?"

-"Please tell me you can save my dear Sam!"
"We could tell you that, but it probably wouldn't be true."

-This "Ack'Basha" that appeared in front of Mu has apparently  never even heard of Bill the Elf.
"Wait.. you don't mean Ted the Elf, do you?"

-"Have you seen someone named Morris?"
"Yes! He's currently recovering from a deprobing."
"What? Is he going to be alright?? What happened to him?!"
"This Ack'basha is disturbingly concerned about Morris..."

-In the high-council tower, Heidi spots the "viking wizard" Morris had mentioned, and plans to rat him out to the high council.
"Don't you know that snitches get stitches?"
"Yeah. Snitching on a Viking is probably not a good idea."


-"Roman, this is Ack'basha."
"...No he isn't!"
"Yes I am!"

-Roman theorizes that Ack'Basha is from an alternate timeline. This is bad, because it means time itself is collapsing.

("Uncle" Roman Beckett)

-"Heidi, this is Ack'basha"
"No it's not."
"Yes I am!!"

-Morris is still recovering from his deprobing. Ack'basha insists on seeing him.
"That is NOT my Morris!"
"Yeah, he's from our timeline..."
"So wait, I'm in a fake timeline now?"
"Sirs, sorry to interrupt, but I thought you might want to know, the patient is stabilizing and we hope we'll manage to save at least 70% of Morris' ass."

-"Tonut, this is Ack'basha"
"...No it isn't!"
"Yes I am! Why does everyone keep saying that?"

-Another member of Ack'basha's team is found: Theobald the Ape-man Wizard!


-"Why are they so happy to see each other?"
"I think Ack'basha and Theobald get along. I think their whole party is cohesive and care about each other."
"That's so weird."
"I think I'm going to be sick."
"Yeah, that's bullshit! Where's the thinly-veiled contempt?!"
"Can you guys take me with you when you go back??"

-"You want to send out a bunch of apprentices to search for a 'better' version of Morris?"
"..Actually, we should have probably been trying to do that all along."

-Frijole the wizard also existed in the alternate timeline.
"Of course I've heard of Frijole. He was the famous creator of Frijole's Unfortunate Explosion!"
"And Frijole's Noxious Cloud!"


-Mu, who is still spellburned to be unable to say anything other than his name, is hijacked by a weird masked man who ties him up, and demands to be taken to Ack'basha.
"Don't move! Don't even breathe. Well, breathe a little."
"Don't make animal sounds!  Good. My name is Chu the Unseen. You've probably never heard of me."


-Heidi, Tonut, Roman, Theobald and Ack'basha take note on the differences in the two timelines; apparently the point of divergence was the death of Bill the Elf and the survival of Ted the Elf (until Ack'basha killed Ted). The divergence means that G.O.D. was never restored, nor was he hijacked by Nikos and then Sezrekhan. Nor had Ack'basha ever heard of the Libram of the Ten Spheres; but now that he has, he's very interested.

-"So you guys never went to Minotauria?"
"Well, it's really called Tholia."
"Still no. Oh, we've been to Centauria!"
"It's not really called Centauria!"

-"Excuse me, someone infiltrated the library and took Mu hostage. They are a guy in a mask, and a techno-walrus."
"Ah! Those are our two team-mates! Chu the Unseen and Oswaldo the dim-witted Techno-walrus."


-"Should we untie Mu?"
"I don't see why."

-"What you people did to Mu is very wrong...  you should always tie a wizard's hands BEHIND his back."
"He didn't look like enough of a threat for that."

-Oswaldo has another sphere from the Time Dinosaurs, like the one they had tried to give to Bill.  The dinosaur hologram is unintelligible as always, except to Roman who for some reason seems to be able to understand Dinosaur.
"You're supposed to go to a place called the Maze of Corners, and restore a device that will heal the time rifts and banish the Dimension Bugs."

-Mu, pissed off at everyone else and wanting nothing to do with the quest, heads back to the library, his hands still tied. Along the way he's mugged; the muggers tie up his legs, and he crawls the rest of the way to the library. He's then humiliated by a pageboy, who then threatens him not to tell Grezlor.
"Snitches get stitches!"

-Heidi snitches on the Viking Wizard to Grizlor.
"Heidi here said you're a looter..."
"Actually, Morris told me."
"So it was Morris who snitched! And where's Morris now?"
"Witness protection."

-"Heidi, you did the right thing there. I'm disgusted with you."

-When the whole gang heads to the Dancing Harpy, they finally find the last member of the alternate-timeline party: Morris. Cool guy Morris. Charismatic and quick-witted Morris. Every woman swoons over him and every man wants to be him. Minds snap.


-"I'm sorry it's.. it's just so different."
"Your Morris is different?"
"He's... special."
"Special like in the way that Oswaldo is kind of 'special'?"
"Well, also that kind of special, yes."

-After an insane night of drinking and watching alt-timeline Morris be incredibly cool, Heidi wakes up the next morning with a killer hangover, in a bed with the tavern owner, the tavern owner's attractive wife, and Morris!

-"You know, this Morris is just TOO awesome. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'd rather have the other Morris."
"I guess we'll have to ask Heidi who he'd rather have, now."

-Tonut wakes up, with a killer hangover, in the monkey cage in the market, with Oswaldo next to him. He vaguely recalls Heidi losing them in a bet. He also very vaguely recalls Oswaldo asking him a bunch of strange questions about Bill the Elf.
"Oswaldo, you're not as dumb as you look, are you?"
"I'm real smartie!"
"Hey, don't worry man, whatever your secret is, I won't tell."
"That's good because snitches get stitches."

-The PCs, being complete assholes, insist on showing Cool Morris the regular crappy-timeline Morris.
"I... my god... I don't know if I want to try to help him, or just smother him to death!"
"He's even worse when he's conscious."
"The good news is that they should restore function to at least 70% of his ass!"
"I guess we should accept it. We really are the Darkest Timeline."


-Thanks to Grizlor's research, the team learns how to get to the Maze of Corners. They have to go through the Gate of Secrets. They get a shuttle and of course Cool Morris is a crack pilot.
"Wait.. if we're the real timeline, and Morris vanishes when we fix all this, how will we get back? None of us can pilot the ship!"
"Honestly, let's hope we're not the real ones."

-It turns out that the Gate of Secrets requires that you reveal a secret to cross through. Tonut reveals that he hears strange whisperings in his head about Ekim's Mystical Mask. Heidi reveals that he wishes he could have violated the dead sky-nazi.

-The party enters the maze of corners, encountering a large gelatinous cube.
"I shoot it!"
"Does the cube have anything inside it?"
"Just a bullet."

-"I will start using Second Sight now, to guide us through the maze."
"I had thought of getting locate object, but it's fairly pointless with you on our team, Ack'basha."
"When I was younger, I thought I could control ants. Then I realized they were controlling me!"
"Oh, Chu!"


-The party encounters, along the way, some more Dimension Bugs, a dead Fishman (possibly from yet another alternate timeline) with a vial of poison, and a cool-looking spear hidden under a pile of garbage.

-"I'm a pretty shitty wizard."
"Don't be so hard on yourself, Mu. You can be anything you set your mind to!"
"I really don't like you, Cool Morris."

-They find the room with the device. With the room seemingly empty, Chu the Unseen goes in first to check for traps. Just as he says it's all clear, two gigantic pincers reach down from the ceiling and attack him!


-Mu ends up saving the day, by emptying his whole AK-47 into the Dimension Bug Queen.
"See, Mu? I told you that you could do it!"
"Stop annoying me, Cool Morris!"

-"The real lesson of this session is that we should learn to appreciate our Morris for what he is: a fucking disaster."

-Ack'Basha and Heidi activate the machine at the same time. Space-time is repaired, and Ack'basha and his team vanish.
"Great, now how the fuck do we get out of here?"

-The Time Dinosaurs show up, and rescue the PCs. Unfortunately, instead of dropping them off in Lol, they drop them off in an office building somewhere else.
"Who the hell are you people?"
"Who are you? And where am I?"
"I'm City Officer Swanlee, and you're in Highbay."

And on that bombshell, we leave you for today. Stay tuned for more good fun in our next report!


Currently Smoking: Lorenzetti Poker + H&H's Chestnut

(April 28, 2017)
Title: DCC Campaign Log
Post by: RPGPundit on May 14, 2018, 04:52:41 AM
DCC Campaign Update: We've Been at Least Semi-Heroic!

When we left off, the PCs (well, Tonut the cleric, Heidi the pacifist warrior, and Mu the wizard) ended up having been transported by the Time Dinosaurs to Highbay (a place well-known to the players, but not to any of their current characters).  There, they met Chief Officer Swanlee.


-Bill's player, bereft of Bill due to his having been turned into a Sezrekhan Zombie on an isolated asteroid, is leveling up one of his backup characters.
"So with those stats, you can either be a wizard, or totally incompetent; it's wide open!"
"Or I could be an incompetent wizard, like the Fishman!"
"That will be determined by your random selection of spells."

-Swanlee is trying to make sense of the people who just teleported out of nowhere into his office, an event that he handles with his usual deadpan aplomb.
"So you're a cleric? But a traditional cleric, right? Not one of the Ackbashian Jihad?"
"The what now??"


-"Are you people associated with Bill the Elf?"
"...define 'associated'?"

-"Have any of you ever done a job where you had to investigate criminal activity?"
"That depends, does introspection count?"

-Swanlee immediately decides to take advantage of the presence of these random adventurers, hiring them to investigate the latest criminal activity in Highbay: someone has been producing and distributing huge amounts of counterfeit Smithplium pieces!
"What's Smithplium?"
"How can you not know that? It's been around for thousands of years!"

-"So it's Fools' Smithplium?"

-"You might have to do some undercover work to find the counterfeiters."
"That's ok, we've seen the Sky-Nazis do it, they're experts."
"It won't be that hard for you three, you'll blend in readily with the local criminal element."
"I should be offended by that, but it's probably true."

-"So what's the Ackbashian Jihad?"
"Before his death, Ack'basha had founded a cult here. They got progressively weirder after he died, and have recently become violently fanatical, in a religious war against the Halconlords, who are a kind of rival cult."
"The Halconlords?"
"Yes. They've conquered everything between Goldhalcon and Highbay."
"How did they manage that?"
"They've got a local leader; her name's Lady Halcon."
"Oh fuck, you guys... Sandy's alive!"

-"Officer Swanlee, have you had anyone in your city become a kind of brainless zombie that keeps saying 'all is Sezrekhan'?"
"Yes, there have been a couple of incidents of that."
"We call it SezrekAIDS."
"Was Bill the elf somehow responsible for that?"
"Not really. Wait, yes he was."

-"Does my jetpack have a limited supply of fuel?"
"Effectively, not really; the jetpack's fission core will work for thousands of years."
"Of course, your jetpack is probably thousands of years old.."
"Don't worry, it'll probably outlast you."
"Yeah, it should last for the next few weeks."


-Tonut the Cleric (who was formerly Tonut the blacksmith) figures out that the counterfeit smithplium pieces have a certain amount of guano content. He figures this out immediately after licking one.


-"I like how Swanlee takes everything in stride."
"I have the feeling Swanlee long since ran out of shits to give."


-Meanwhile, we are reintroduced to Kumar. He ran with Ack'basha's group the last time they were in Highbay, but stayed behind. He opened up a little curry shack, frequented mainly by the small Bharata community based here. Being a former warrior-caste Kshatriya (turned former wizard) he doesn't actually know how to cook, but instead he has hired a vaishya (a merchant-caste) girl named Priya to cook for him. And to join him in spontaneous Bollywood musical numbers.
"Oh how I love Kumar, but we can never be together for we are of different castes!"
"I secretly love Priya but our love cannot be, but we are united by curry and song!"

-Priya has disappeared in the night. Unbeknownst to anyone, she had gone out to do some industrial spying on their curry shack's biggest competition, the massively successful chain of Bharatan Spicy Tender Pork Tacos, which have been stealing away their customers and leading them to bankruptcy.
Ujay, Priya's older brother and guardian, has come angrily accusing Kumar of having taken her, but he has no idea what's going on.

-The rest of the PC party, heading to the docks, runs into a tough looking ranger-type guy that looks a bit like Aragorn.
"Well met, sirs!"
"Oh shit, this guy is probably going to have another side quest for us.."
"You look like a hale and hearty group of heroes.."
" it comes.."
"Would you be interested in buying some weed?"
"Oh. Right. I forgot this was Highbay."


-In this detour, the party is interrupted by Ujay and Kumar's shouting match and general action/drama/romance Bollywood scene.

-"I have an idea. Perhaps if you start a musical number about how much you love Priya but your romance is doomed, she'll start singing back, wherever she is. We might be able to hear it?"
"That's retarded."
"I will try!"
"I rolled a natural 20 on my perception check."
"Wow. I can't believe that worked. OK, Tonut, you can hear shrill Hindi singing in the distance."


-The party finds that Priya is being held inside a large shipping complex in the port. Roger, the weed salesman who mistakenly looked like a ranger, points out that the warehouse is owned by a group of Vulturemen merchants.
"Wait.. vulturemen? Like, the sort of vulturemen that produce guano?"
"I suppose."
"The plot is coming together..."


-Seeing that Priya is being held in a top-floor accessible by a window, Heidi and Tonut fly up there with Tonut's jetpack.
"Hello! We are here to rescue you."
"Yes, but really we're here to stop the counterfeiting vulturemen. You're actually incidental, like a side-quest."
"No, you are the incidental ones sir. I am the female romantic lead!"

-While they're skulking in an alley awaiting the results of the rescue mission, Mu, Kumar, Ujay and Roger are attacked by a group of Boatswine and some guys in restaurant uniforms.
"They are employees of Bharatan Spicy Tender Pork Tacos!"

-The fight looks tricky for the PCs, but then Mu uses his greatest power, by throwing a grenade.
"Grenades are my fireballs!"

-While Heidi stays in the warehouse to investigate, Tonut flies Priya to the safety of a nearby rooftop.
"Please sir, you have to help my brother and my beloved Kumar! They are being attacked!"
"You will help them sir, or I will star to sing again!"
"Ok, ok, I'm going!"

-While the rest of the party is being surrounded on both sides by Boatswine and fast-food employees, Heidi is still in the top floor of the warehouse. He had hidden himself in a supply closet, and got a rope to climb down.
"I'll do a mighty deed to climb it all the way down in one round."
"Ok. You fail, and fall 40'."
"Well, I told you I'd get down in one round!"

-Tonut attempts Divine Aid but fails.
"Now you can't heal anyone more than once for the rest of the day."
"Ha! Like he was planning to heal anyone anyways."
"You guys, I have some bad news: G.O.D. doesn't want to strike these guys down, and Obamacare has been repealed!"

-Upon Priya's shrill high-pitched insistence after watching her brother Ujay get slaughtered by taco-vendors, Tonut flies down and scoops up Kumar to save him.
"Sir you have robbed me of my moment of glory!"
"Do you want to go back?"
"I will consider it, but for now keep flying!"

-"Kumar you must listen to me, I have seen something terrible!"
"I know, you were a prisoner, it must have been awful."
"No, it is what the Vulturemen are doing in there!"
"We know, they're making counterfeit Smithplium with their poop."
"Maybe so but that is not what is horrifying either."

-"Just tell us, damn it, or do you want me to send you back to the pigmen?"
"Do you want me to sing again sir??"
"What we have here is what they call a Bollywood stand-off"

-"Bharatan Spicy Tender Pork Tacos is people!!!"

"Yes, they are importing Bharatan children and using them for meat!"
"Oh gross. I ate one!"

-It might be a coincidence, but apparently the Bharatan derogatory word for a 'barbarian' is "Bill".

-Shops in Highbay have their own particular thematic.
"Yes, this is a drug store. We also sell a bit of medicine."

-Heidi was separated from the rest of the group.
"You just abandoned us all!"
"I want to note that as far as any of the other PCs know, Heidi is still trapped inside the warehouse and they all just left him there."

-The Vulturemen want to try to stop Priya and the PCs from revealing the terrible truth to Swanlee about what they've been doing all over the region.  So a couple of vulturemen go personally to try to kill them before they can get to city hall. Tonut takes Priya and flies on ahead with his jetpack. Kumar stays behind and fights one, killing it with magic, but also leaving a side-effect of a mini-eclipse in an area of the central market that will last several days.

-"My brother he is dead, what will become of me now??"
"You could just fuck Kumar."
"No that cannot ever be, because although I am madly in love with him, we are of different castes!"
"No one cares."
"Kumar cares, because he is oh so very noble!"
"Pretty sure he's not.."

-Tonut flies down to the guards at the entrance to city hall.
"Whoa... are you Iron Man?"


-They get to Swanlee's office.
"Bharatan Spicy Tender Pork Tacos are made from captive Bharatan children!"
"Oh god, I've been eating one of those for lunch every day for nearly a year!"

-"There are very few things illegal in Highbay. But illicit transportation of children for the purposes of cannibalism happens to be one of them! Round up the guard!"

-"I do not like you priest! You have defiled your Brahmin vows!"
"I did?"
"You have a girlfriend! You have slept with a woman!"
"Well, I didn't say I actually slept with her.. yet."
"Ha ha! Tonut's  never slept with a woman!"

-The PCs and about 50 Highbay guards head back to the warehouse, where they're confronted by a small army of Vulturemen, Boatswine, and dozens of Taco-stand employees fighting for their jobs.
"You're against free enterprise"
"Ayn Rand was right, we SHOULD eat the young!"

-Mu lets loose on the enemy with his AK-47
"So wait, if grenades are your substitute for fireballs, is the AK-47 your answer to Magic Missile?"
"...more or less."
"You really are an awful wizard."

-Seeing the Boatswine being slaughtered by the guard, the taco-stand employees lose their morale check and run.
"This isn't worth my minimum-wage salary!"

-The PCs realize that there's several Boatswine junk-barges sailing out into the port. Tonut and Heidi fly up there, and slice at their sails.
Then Tonut does a Divine Aid to crack their hulls, and they start to sink.

-Then the PCs notice that in mid-fight the warehouse is on fire! Presumably, with the children still inside.
Tonut and Heidi heroically ram the door, but it turns out to be much harder than they thought at first. They fall flat on their asses.


-They manage to break in eventually, and fine that the flames have not yet reached the cages where about 200 Bharatan children are being held.

-As for the others, Mu is too cowardly to go inside, while Kumar's spellcasting has had the mercurial effect of reducing him to a primitive state.
"Fire Bad!!"

-Mu does decide to strategically place a grenade on one of the walls, hoping it will help dispel the fire. It ends up causing half the building to collapse. Not, luckily, the half the children were in; but now the whole building is not just on fire but on the verge of collapsing entirely!
"Wow. Good thing I made my luck roll!"

-Thanks to the +4 mace breaking open the cages, Heidi and Tonut get the kids out safely just before the whole warehouse falls.

-Kumar, recovered, gives the 200 Bharatan orphan children to Priya.
"This is my gift to you Priya, for we can never be married as we are of different castes. But now you will have these children, for you to open many franchises of your curry business!"
"I will use them for children labor, as is the traditional Bharatan way!"
"We will celebrate with a great curry feast!"
"Yes, the children will cook for us!"

-"Hey, do you realize that without Bill around, we've actually succeeded at two quests in a row?"
"I know, it's weird."
"And we've been at least semi-heroic!"
"Yeah, aside from the child labor."

-"You guys are still better than Bill the Elf."
"That's a low bar, Swanlee."
"I know."

With that, the session ends. As per their agreement, Swanlee lets them keep several thousand counterfeit smithplium pieces (after Tonut uses his power armor to bring them up from the sunken Vulturemen ships). And he'll provide them with an escort to the tower of the Azure Wizards, where the party hopes the wizards can help them get back to the city of Lol.

Stay tuned next week for more DCC misadventures!


Currently Smoking: Brigham Anniversary + Image Latakia

(May 14, 2017)
Title: DCC Campaign Log
Post by: RPGPundit on May 29, 2018, 11:03:19 PM
DCC Campaign Update: This Has Become a Very Ass-Focused Adventure

In our last session, the PCs had managed to break up a massive counterfeiting/child-trafficking/cannibalism ring in Highbay.  As such, Chief City Officer Swanlee agreed to provide the party an escort to get to the Azure Tower, where they hoped the Azure wizards would help them to get back to the high-orbit floating city of Lol.


-A new masochist/player has joined! His 0-level dudes: a green mutant pageboy, a human weed farmer (with a chicken), and a weird domino mutant who's half black and half-white like those aliens from the original star trek... except he has huge claws for hands.


-"Does G.O.D. accept drugs for sacrifices?"
"Well, he doesn't accept rations, so... no."

-Tonut is trying to sell a valuable bracelet he has on him, to get some smaller denominations of cash to use as sacrifice to lower his disapproval.
"I'll give you 1200 smithplium pieces for it."
"I won't take less than 1750."
"ok, how about 1000 smithplium that aren't counterfeit?"

-"I'm giving you an escort formed from the best conscript guards that could be randomly selected by lottery."

-Aside from the three newbies, who are conscript guards, plus the chicken, the escort also includes a joking sergeant, and a sullen captain.
"Hey you guys, ask the Captain his last name!"
"Shut up, sergeant!"
"Seriously, you guys, ask him!"
"Ok, now we have to know."
"What's that? We couldn't hear you?"
"It's Richard."
"Ask him his last name!"
"It's Obvious, alright?! I'm Captain Richard Obvious!"
"Haha, he's Captain Obvious!"


-"So what's your name, Sergeant?"
"Yeah, but your given name?"
"No, that's it. I'm Sergeant Sargent"
"That's it? That's all he gets?!"

-Meanwhile, up in the city of Lol, Morris has finally regained consciousness!
"We have good news and bad news for you."
"Well, the good news is that we managed to remove the explosive probe the Guardian Robots implanted you with."
"And the bad news?"
"Well, we could only save 53% of your ass."
"Well, it's not so bad! We've managed to replace the 47% you'd lost with a Cyborg Ass."


-"What happened to the Viking Wizard?"
"My best friend, the Viking Wizard!"
"Do you mean Vladik? He's on the council now."
"My best friend is on the council??"
"Funny, he's never mentioned you."

-"Wow.. my best friend is on the High Council of Wizards!"
"He's not your best friend you imbecile, he charmed you!"

-Roman puts Morris on a shuttlecraft, with orders to investigate a barren asteroid called Gebo, which was the last known location of the Hippomagus, and later to go down to the surface to see if he can find the rest of the PCs, who never returned from their last mission.
"So how do I fly this thing?"
"According to this, sir, your ass is a fully licensed shuttle pilot."

-As expected, when he gets into the pilot seat, his ass starts to talk, giving him instructions on how to fly.
"He's literally flying off his ass!"

-"So um.. ass.. can you.."
"*Wait! ASS Calibrating!*"

-"*Attention! ASS Sensors detecting two lifeforms on the asteroid!*"

-The two lifeforms are of course Yarr the Halfling and Bill the Elf.  Bill is still a Sezrekhan Zombie, and for the past week he's been slowly chasing Yarr around the asteroid while she evades him and has managed to survive by eating her large supply of packaged peanuts.
"The thing about this campaign is that eventually, you will look back at the time you were trapped on this abandoned asteroid with fondness."

-"So is Morris' ass our new BOLT-0?"

-Yarr sees Morris' shuttle land and rushes toward it.
"Come with me if you want to live!"

-On the advice of Morris' ass, Yarr and Morris rush out of there, rather than face the zombie-Bill. They fly down toward the surface, as Morris' ass follows a tracking device that Roman had secretly planted on one of the other PCs. As they're heading down, the shuttle is suddenly hit by a lightning bolt, presumably from a nearby group of Halconlords.

-The PCs along with Captain Obvious and his guards see the shuttle going down. Tonut flies up to the shuttle and rescue Yarr and Morris before it crashes.
"Whoever shot down that vessel will be coming soon."
"Well, obviously, captain!"


-"I had been sent by these dinosaur guys to Gebo, where Bill was there. He killed the cat-wizard."
"Wait... do you mean Bill the Elf?"
"Ok, maybe."

-"*ASS Calibrating!*"
"Morris..did your pants just talk to us?"
"Oh yeah, look at this guys!"
"Why is he exposing himself to us?"
"He does that sometimes."

-To avoid fighting the Halconlords, the party turns south, near the edge of the Badlands. As they're marching, a few of them (making a perception check) notice they're about to be ambushed by a group of small humanoids.
"They could be kobolds, or goblins, or halflings.."
"That's racist!"
"Actually, your people are famous for ambushing people, Yarr."

-The ambushers turned out to be goblins; after beating them off, they decide to keep marching into the night, worried that the Halconlords might still be on their tail. Finally, very late into the night, they stop to rest.
"Someone should keep watch."
"Not me, my disapproval is huge and I need my G.O.D.-forgiveness rest."
"I need to heal."
"I've been chased by zombie-Bill for a week!"

-"Can I sleep with my jetpack on?"
"No. Well, yes.. but you'd probably fly into a mountain or something."

-"*ASS Calibrating!*"
"Damn it, it's the middle of the night!"
"Ass, can you just keep guard for us? You know, ass-guard?"

-"What are you calibrating, anyways??"
"*That information is classified!*"

-"At the next rest-stop, Morris takes a crap. Is it normal?"
"More or less. There's a 'ping' noise at the end, and your turd is a perfect cube."

-"Ass, can you calibrate on mute?"
"*I could, but why would I?*"

-"While you're all discussing Morris' ass, do a perception check."

-It turns out the PCs perceive that they're about to get attacked by a bunch of giant bees!


-"Captain Obvious is being pretty heroic."
"Those bees will likely sting us!"
"..still obvious, though."
"They will sting like that curry I ate yesterday!"

-"You bunch of children! An ass starts to talk and all of a sudden you're all immature."
"It was your idea!"
"Oh sure, blame the GM for all this!"

-"After beating those bees, the newbies are just 7xp away from one of them being actually relevant!"

-"I wonder if 'Ass' is his name, or some kind of an acronym?"

-"Ass... status report?"
"*ASS is fully operational, other than being attached to an imbecile*"

-That night, while Mu and Yarr are keeping watch, an Owlbear jumps down from a tree right on Mu!
"You all wake up from the screams; mainly Mu's, but also the Owlbear."

-They manage to kill off the owlbear, but Mu probably won't ever look at trees the same way.

-Kumar decides to make the owlbear remains into a delicious curry.

-"There are still Halconlord patrols in this area of the forest, be careful."
"I have an idea! What if we burn down the forest to get rid of the patrols?"
"We're IN the forest, dude."


-Next night, an Ogre sneaks to the camp, takes down the weed farmer and starts putting him into a sack. The other PCs notice.
"Me only want this one!"
"That's almost reasonable."

-They decide to fight the ogre anyways, and Publio the pageboy manages to stab the ogre to death, right through the ass.
"*warning! Alert mode activated! Ass-stabbing occurring in proximity!*"
"man, this has become a very ass-focused adventure."

-A night later, the PCs are attacked at night again, stealthily, by huge blood-sucking bugs. They manage to get onto Captain Obvious and Sergeant Sargent, already starting to drain their blood before the PCs finally notice.
Morris accidentally kills Sergeant Sargent, while trying to shoot the bug off him.
"Damn it, Morris! I really liked the Sergeant!"
"*The Sergeant was 70% more likable than Morris!*"
"Et tu, Ass?"

-Everyone is sad about the Sergeant's death, except for Captain Obvious.
"well, I hated him."
"Yes, that was obvious."

-"Our humor here is always so offensive."
"Captain Obvious points out that non-offensive humor is usually boring."

-Finally, the PCs make it to the Azure Tower! The Azure Wizards are not very interested in anything the PCs have to say.. until Yarr mentions offhand that she knows where the Sunstaff is.

-"My ass is awesome!"

-"So captain, will you join our party now?"
"I've come to see that it's obvious that whatever you're planning to do is very dangerous, so I will not be joining you."
"We never plan to do anything!"

-A slip of the tongue almost gets the group in trouble with the Azure Wizards.
"Are you misgendering the halfling?"
"Oh... no, it's ok, I'm gender-fluid."
"Oh, alright then."

-In spite of having previously mocked the Azure Order for having been a group of gender-indeterminate wizards, Mu now claims he's gender-indeterminate in order to get access to their library to finish studying magic missile. In his defense, one of his spells does make him flip gender when cast.

-"After you have finished your studies, Mu, you should strongly consider joining the order. There are many benefits to being an Azure Wizard!"
"Wait... Mu's a wizard??"

To finish off the session, the Azure Order has agreed to help the PCs, but they have yet another side-quest for them: it turns out there's a large zombie-plague attacking Coolland, and they just got a distress message from Queen Zoey. So if the PCs want a lift back to Lol and help with the Sunstaff-retrieval issue, they'll need to head to Coolland first.


Currently Smoking: Stanwell Deluxe + Image Virginia

(May 28, 2017)
Title: DCC Campaign Log
Post by: RPGPundit on June 05, 2018, 11:32:59 PM
I haven't been posting links here to the various Last Sun products in the RPGPundit Presents ( supplement line, but I thought readers might want to know that the newest one, RPGPundit Presents #34 (, includes an introduction that describes the whole backstory of the world of the Last Sun.
Title: DCC Campaign Log
Post by: RPGPundit on June 12, 2018, 04:33:19 AM
New DCC Artifact: The Cyber-Ass of Morris

Those of you keeping track of my DCC campaign will know that Morris the Creep, at present both the second-most-powerful and the second-most-despised party member (in both cases, second to Bill the Elf), had foolishly allowed himself to be probed by the dalek-like Guardian Robots, and implanted with an explosive device.

As of our last adventure, Morris awoke from the Techno-Walrus surgical procedure to "deprobe" him, only to find that while they had successfully removed the huge explosive without triggering it, the operation had lost 47% of Morris' ass.  Fortunately, the Techno-walruses had managed to devise a new Cybernetic Ass to replace the almost-half of Morris' natural ass that he'd lost.  This cyber-ass went on to demonstrate a significant number of interesting qualities in the last session.

So, in answer to what absolutely no one demanded, I now present to you all, the statistics for Morris' Ass!:


The Cyber-ASS of Morris

Init: +0

Atk: none, when attached to organic host, except that it is capable of electrocuting its organic host at will or on command from its programmer. If it does so the host must make a DC15 FORT save or fall unconscious for 1d12 hours. The ass can only attempt to electrocute its host 3 times in a day, after which it must spend 12 hours in "sleep mode" to restore its power reserves.
When detached to its organic host, the cyber-ASS is capable of producing and attacking with (at +2 melee) a retractable vibro-blade that does 1d4+1 damage. This vibroblade could retract while attached to the ass' host but it would retract INTO the host, causing the host 1d4+1 damage to the host each round the blade remained extended.

AC:16 (if the host is wearing butt-covering armor with an AC higher than 16, use that instead)

HD: 30 hit points  (the ASS requires at least a "cyberpunk-level" tech workshop to repair damage)
If the ASS is attached to a live host and reaches 0 hit points, the host will begin to die from organ failure. He will lose 1 (temporary) CON every two hours until he dies or until the ASS is repaired or some substitute for it is acquired.

MV: none while attached. If detached from its host, the cyber-ASS can extend six spider-like legs and move on its own at a rate of 30' per round.

Act: 1d20

Special: Can attach itself to a human or other humanoid organic that has lost 47% of their ass, or has it removed for the purpose of symbiosis with the ASS.  Once attached, the ASS could not be detached without killing the host (unless highly advanced medical-tech or magical-healing facilities were involved in the process).
The ASS can speak in any language known to the Techno-Walri of Lol (which includes all standard languages of the world of the Last Sun). It is also equipped with sensors that allow it to detect life forms in a 30-mile radius around it and identify them by general type (eg. "human", "red mutant", "scotsman", "ocelot", "giant ocelot", "ocelot with top hat", etc.).
The Ass is also programmed with a wide variety of knowledge skills important to the Techno-Walrus culture, including flying and navigating skyships, mechanical and electrical repairs, operating computers (the ass is also equipped with an extension-cord attachment for connecting directly to standard ancienttech-descended computer systems and has a +6 hacking bonus), or heavy weapons targeting. It also has a GPS tracking system.
However, the ASS is an artificial intelligence and is not required to obey orders from its host (unless its host is also its original programmer), and will only be as helpful as it chooses to be depending on its judgment of its host's intelligence and personality and based on reactions to the interactions between the ASS and its host.
While attached to a host, the ASS will be required to "calibrate" once every 1d6 hours. When it is doing so, it will loudly proclaim "ASS Calibrating!", even if at an inconvenient moment. It is not actually required to make said declaration but it will usually do so unless there is an extremely good reason not to (for example, if making the announcement out loud would be immediately dangerous to the ASS itself).
The ASS can operate independently of a host body but it will require either access to a plug-in energy source or to attach to a new host within 3d24 hours, or it will run out of power and become inoperative until recharged or attached.  While attached to a host it does not require any separate power supply.

Saves:  Fort +4   Ref:n/a if attached, +1 if operating independently  Will:+6

AL: Neutral Freak

That's it for today! Let me know if in the future you want more such glimpses into the details of my crazy DCC Last Sun setting.


Currently Smoking: Lorenzetti Solitario Egg + Gawith's Navy Flake
Title: DCC Campaign Log
Post by: RPGPundit on June 18, 2018, 03:26:56 AM
DCC Campaign Report: Most of the Guards are Playing With Fidget-Spinners

At the end of our last session, our stalwart non-heroes had managed to get to the Azure Tower, only to have the Azure Order magicians send them off on a whole other side-quest; this time to save Coolland from a zombie invasion.


-Before leaving the Azure Tower, Mu finishes studying his new spell, making use of the Spinal Fluid of Drewmij to successfully learn Magic Missile.
"I bet he was just telling you that was 'spinal fluid'!"
"Hey, if it gives me +2 to learning a spell I'll drink any of his fluids!"

-Publio the page is broke and sorely lacking in equipment, so he tries to sell his services as a page.
"Where would we even send a message? The town is tiny and there isn't another settlement for days that isn't full of cannibals!"

-"Why don't you just make like a leaf and go away?"
"That's not how that phrase goes. It's 'why don't you make like a tree and go away'!"

-Publio leveled up as a Warrior, but doesn't have that many hit points.
"Well, Mu is pretty robust for a wizard!"
"You mean chubby; Mu is pretty chubby for a wizard!"
"You mean fatass; Mu is a fatass!"


-Since there's a gigantic horde of thousands of zombies between the tower and Coolland, the Azure Wizards decide to teleport the PCs to Coolland. Unfortunately, on their first try they fumble the spell, and all the PCs weapons disappear, teleported to an unknown location.
"Son of a bitch!"
"We had plasma rifles!"
"My grenades!"
"You fuckers owe me a +4 mace!"

-On their second try, the Azure Wizards manage to teleport the PCs, but not to Coolland's capital. Instead, they end up in the coastal city of Minaj.
"Can we contact the Azure Wizards?"
"I don't think so."

-"So this is not the capital?"
"No, adventurers. For all we know, the city of Gaga may have been overrun."

-The commander of Minaj's militia, currently making preparations in case the zombie army comes that way, is the old peasant woman/minotaur-slayer Elsa.


-The PCs decide to risk the overland journey to Gaga.
"Will you come with us, Elsa?"
"Niet. Elsa will stay, protect village. Make up for time when all Elsa's old village in Old Country was all killed. This time if Elsa here, maybe only half this village die!"
"That's progress..."
"In Old Country, that is Miracle!"


-"Mr. Old Woman, what was the source of these zombies?"
"It is from time ago, when Queen Zoey uncle try to take over kingdom. Other group of adventurers, led by Bill Elf, they go in forest and Bill Elf make great toxic cloud that kill whole army.  Zombies are whole army."
"So this is Bill the Elf's fault?"
"In Old Country, we have saying: Fuck Bill Elf!"
"I think a lot of countries have that saying."

-"Uncle Evil of Queen Zoey return and send zombie army that Bill Elf killed."
"Is the uncle a zombie too?"
"Not sure. If he was vampire then Elsa could help. Elsa was vampire slayer in Old Country."
"How many vampires have you actually killed?"
"One. How many you kill?"
"Ok, never mind."

-Tonut the Cleric shows off his flying armor, as Tonut tends to do.
"Oh, he is Rocket Red, like from Old Country!"


-The PCs say goodbye to Elsa and start on their way to Gaga.  Soon they encounter what they at first think is a zombie.  They send Publio to bash its head in, but it turns out to be Heidi, who they had last seen at Highbay. They discover it's Heidi when he pulls a gun on the ex-pageboy just as Publio was about to bash his skull.

-"He can talk!"
"Yes, Heidi usually does that."
"You knew it was me?!"
"Yeah, we wanted to see what happened, though."

-It turns out that when Heidi was in Highbay, he went sightseeing and ended up in The Factory, where a group of artistic weirdos drugged him, and he ended up posing in a series of pictures with a Yak, some naked women and a land-octopus.


-"What happened to all your weapons??"
"We have shovels now. If you don't have a shovel it means you're just square."
"Ok, fine, I was going to share some of my five weapons but since you're all happy with shovels..."

-"Who's the kid that tried to kill me?"
"That's Publio the page. He wants to be a warrior. We're training him wrong as a joke."


-Continuing on, the PCs end up running into a sort-of "adventurer" named Gilbert. They immediately identify him as a kind of con-artist more than an adventurer.
"In the Shithole we used to eat people like you."

-"Tonight I will cook us a nice curry!"
"Oh! I love curry! Back in Gaga there was this shop called Spicy Bharatan Tender Pork Tacos, and they were fantastic. So authentic! But then they mysteriously closed.."
"They were making their tacos from mutant children."
"Yeah. You ate mutant children."
"Oh my god!!"
"They were poor children.."
"That's even worse, I don't know where they'd been!"

-"I'm from the Shithole. I'm not going to make a big fuss about having eaten children."
"Well, if you're from the Shithole it's probably not the first time you did that. Or the worst thing you ever ate."

-"Do you guys even have any idea how you plan to deal with the zombie army??"
"We need a bomb."
"There's a LOT of plans in this campaign that just come down to making a big explosion happen..."

-The party encounters a small zombie raiding party.
"Huh, what? A duck?"
"No, attack!"
"Oh, that's much worse!"

-The zombies appear to be strays, unfortunately-undead local coollanders  dressed in adult male rompers.
"Nothing of value was lost."


-Kumar accidentally fumbles his chill touch attack, and ends up chill touching himself.
"Does he go blind?"
"He will if he keeps doing that."

-"Well, that was a really successful first round of combat: not one zombie was even slightly injured, and Kumar chill-touched himself."

-Gilbert runs away after that first round, only to come back and act all heroic when there's only 1 zombie left alive.

-Publio fumbles his attack, breaking Heidi's borrowed spear.
"Oh that's OK, that's only the spear my father gave to me!"

-With the zombie still alive, Gilbert tries to run away again, only to have the zombie strike him down. The zombie dies right after.
"Hey great, I've got a new spear!"
"You mean I have a new spear, right?"
"Can I have my shovel back?"

-"Do you want your father's broken spear back, Heidi?"
"You really are ingratiating yourself into this party, Publio."

-The next day the party proceeds along a large-ish river; they see tons of zombies (mostly orc zombies, but also some Coollanders) milling about on the other side.
"They can't cross the river, its no problem."
"Those ones over there seem to be doing something..."
"It.. it looks like they're chopping wood?"
"They're building a bridge."
"Oh shit."

-Realizing that the zombies are definitely being guided by some kind of superior intelligence, Tonut and Heidi fly up above them and try to talk to their master. The zombies all respond in unison:
"You may speak!"
"Are you Uncle Evil?"

-"I am the rightful ruler of Coolland, Duke of Abstinence, Chosen One of the Lord of Blood and Fire!"
"Hey Tonut, he's like you, an asshat!"
"You realize we're 200' up and I'm carrying you, right?"

-"My zombie army will cross into Coolland, take the city of Gaga, and bathe its streets with blood!"
"And fire?"
"And fire!"

-"Cool, but could you teleport us to Lol?"
"Dude, he's the bad guy!"
"We've never been totally clear as a party on that whole good/evil divide.."
"Yeah, and remember, this is just a stupid side-quest!"


-"Who is it you're seeking revenge against, Duke?"
"My niece 'queen' Zoey, and Bill the Elf!"
"We know where Bill is!"
"Yeah, we'll totally give him to you."

-"Bring me Bill the Elf and I will teleport you!"
"We need to teleport in order to get to Bill the Elf!"
"We have quite the catch-22 going, don't we?"

-"Ok, here's the plan: we tell the Duke we'll capture his niece for him, then we'll put Publio in a bag."
"What? No!"
"GM question: do any of you actually HAVE a bag?"
"We'll get a bag in Gaga."
"We should probably get a dress for Publio too. You know, to make it believable."
"I don't want to do this!"
"Look at it this way, Publio, have you ever gotten to spend time inside a bag before? It's a new opportunity."

-"Duke, we'll bring you your niece!"
" a bag.."
"In a bag! But we have to present her to you personally!"
"because... we want to meet you! You're pretty famous."
"Also, we want to be sure you follow through and teleport us."
"Oh yeah, also, this kid we have with us that looks a bit like a princess won't be coming back with us, so don't suspect anything if he's not with us when we return."

-"Wait sirs, is it not the case in fact that Mu can change into a girl?"
"Kumar is right!"
"Yes it is true sir!"
"OK, new plan!"

-"Actually, Duke, the kid will be coming back with us after all, but not the wizard, he's got other things to do!"
"I hate you guys so much.."

-"So when we give him Mu, he will teleport us?"
"No, we're going to kill him."
"Wait, Kumar, you thought you were going to just give me to him??"

-"I'm just happy I won't have to crossdress anymore!"
"Actually you sound a little disappointed."

-The PCs finally get to Gaga.
"Who goes there?"
"Did Gilbert send you?"
"Uh, yeah, sure."
"Sergeant, the adventurers are here!"

-The glitterati of Gaga all come out to see the PCs. Queen Zoey is there, as is the hip young handsome prime minister, Zoe's attendants Emily the elf and Queen Priscilla of the Grey Realms, the court wizard (the only old person in all of Coolland), and of course, Queen Zoey's head of security, Harembe the gorilla-man.


-The defenses of Gaga and their army do not look very promising.
"Do you think we could whip them into shape?"
"Most of the guards are playing with fidget-spinners right now."
"So that would be a no."


-Queen Priscilla hasn't become any less annoying.
"You guys all look lame, if only Bill the Elf was here. He was hot for me, we totally did it once."
"Bill did it with.. that thing?"
"Oh man, if only Bill were here!"


-"We have a plan your majesty; our wizard Mu is going to make himself look like you."
"Um.. he doesn't look much like me?"
"Well, he can magically turn himself into a girl."
"Goddamnit, I am a girl right now!"
"Seriously? This is you as a girl?"
"Holy shit you guys that girl is really fucking ugly!"
"Even Priscilla thinks you're ugly, dude."
"That's the pot calling the kettle ugly."

-"Our best plan is still to make Mu look like the queen."
"I have a question: has the Duke gone blind??"

-"I still say we can integrate the zombies."
"You definitely can't."
"In a generation they'll adopt our values!"
"Mr. Prime Minister, they're undead. In a generation, you'll all be zombies!"
"Don't be racist."
"It's not racist, because they're really ugly!"


-"If you want Mu to be able to pass for me, I and my ladies of the court will have to give him a makeover! Guards, seize him!"
"To the makeover room!"
"Will it hurt??"
"Well, the bikini wax will."
"You'll pay for this Tonut!!"

-While Mu is subject to a makeover and a sleepover party with the Queen and her girls, the rest of the PCs get some shopping done.
"We'll want to leave town first thing in the morning; we just spent 12000gp worth of counterfeit smithplium pieces here."
"Yeah, we should definitely leave, and then come back with more fake smithplium pieces!"

-"If you succeed, you'll all be heroes of Coolland!"
"Yeah, and I'll probably do it with one of you!"
"I'd probably do Priscilla."
"Shit, Mu, you have serious serious self-esteem problems."

-Mu's makeover was largely unsuccessful.
"If you put a princess-dress and facepaint on a cow, it'll still look like a cow."


-Along the way back to the zombie horde, Tonut the cleric uses Divine Aid to temporarily change Mu's appearance into a copy of Queen Zoey.

-They find the Zombie horde; with them are a group of Uruk-hai zombie guards, a zombie wizard, the Duke, and a Fire Vampire.


-The Duke is not a zombie, apparently he survived Bill's cloudkill, but suffered horribly disfiguring burns.
"Give me my niece!"
"We will, but only once you lead us to the Blood Gate so we can teleport back to Lol."
"Or the Fire Gate."
"They're the same gate!"

-"My men will take you to the gate, but I will have my niece now!"

-"psst, what's our plan?"
"We kill the Duke."
"He's surrounded by thousands of zombies, his guards, the wizard and the Vampire!"
"I've seen Bill make some bad plans, but this one is just ridiculous."

-While the PCs are busy debating their options, Mu is starting to change back into his usual ugly visage.

-The PCs decide to not give a fuck, and attack.
"Oh man this is not good."
"If Bill was here we wouldn't be in this mess."
"If Bill was here we'd probably be in a bigger mess!"

-"Which one is the Fire Vampire?"
"The Fire Vampire is the one that's on fire."
"I miss Captain Obvious!"


-The Fire Vampire disappears in a puff of fire.
"Not blood?"
"No, this is a fire vampire. There may be a blood vampire somewhere that disappears in a puff of blood."
"So, by 'blood vampire', you mean a vampire, right?"

-"Betrayers! Destroy them all!!"
"Morris sent us!"
"So we're trying to badmouth Morris now?"
"Yeah, Morris is the new Bill."

-The fire vampire reappears next to Tonut, who had obviously taken to the air to save his own life.
"Oh shit, it can fly! G.O.D., Sezrekhan, Nikos, Ack'basha... whoever is up there, save me!"

-Tonut fails his divine aid, but Kumar manages to slay the zombie wizard, which causes the zombies to go out of control. This helps, but there are still thousands of zombies trying to kill and eat them.

-The Duke is getting away, and the PCs are in terrible danger of being slaughtered by zombies, except Tonut who is about to be destroyed by the Fire Vampire. Tonut tries one last Divine Aid, to teleport them all back to Gaga.
"Oh, almighty G.O.D.... Screw This!"

-The Divine aid works, and the PCs are all teleported away, but there's a slight error in the teleportation and they end up crashing into the city wall. Several of them are terribly injured, but they all manage to survive!
"I can't believe we're alive."

That's it for this session. The planned invasion of Gaga has been thwarted by the PCs, and incredibly they're all still alive. But the Duke of Abstinence got away, and there's still thousands of zombies in Coollandish territory. Plus, the PCs still have no way to get back to Lol, and they're no closer to getting past the side-quests and onto the job of stopping Sezrekhan from assimilating the entire universe.
We'll see what they come up with, next time!


Currently Smoking: Lorenzetti Solitario + Gawith's 1792 Flake

(June 15, 2017)
Title: DCC Campaign Log
Post by: RPGPundit on June 30, 2018, 12:27:47 AM
DCC Campaign Update: I Haven't had an Erection This Strong in Years

So, as of last adventure, the PCs had managed to defeat (though not kill) the Duke of Abstinence, disrupting his control over the huge zombie army he was going to use to invade Coolland and overthrow his niece Queen Zoey. It almost killed them!
Unfortunately, they didn't actually get rid of the thousands of zombies, now uncontrolled, that are roaming across Coolland's territory.


-One of our PCs (Tonut the Cleric) just leveled up.  Another (Heidi) is one single XP away from leveling up.
"That's dangerous. It's like being a cop who's two weeks away from retirement!"

-"Wait... did my pet chicken die?"
"Nope. He landed right on the city wall and was unharmed."

-Morris had been left behind in the Azure Tower, because his cyborg-ASS was interfering with the teleportation magic. Now, the order thinks they managed to adapt the ritual.  It turns out they're mostly right; they actually manage to teleport him to a field about 7 miles from Gaga.  Unfortunately for Morris, it's a field full of zombies!

-After running like hell, he finds his way to a ruined old church (of G.O.D.). With the zombie hordes approaching he engages in a desperate prayer.
"hello? Is anyone listening?"
"We Are Listening..."

-No, it's not G.O.D., it's 4 mysterious cowled inhuman figures that were already in the church.
"Who are you? What are you doing here?"
"We are agents of vengeance. We seek the destruction of Bill the Elf."
"Those zombies are going to kill us all!"
"They will not kill us."
"Are you undead?"
"No. We are... Sand Cows."


-It turns out the four mysterious creatures are more of the ridiculous elemental constructs created by the Archemaster.  He made them to hunt Bill the Elf; this was before the Archemaster went to the city of Lol (where he is presently trapped, in the Forever Pit). The Cows have been looking for Bill ever since.
"Ok, I.. I know where Bill is! Save me from the Zombies and I can help you!"

-"We believe you speak truth... one of us will make the Sacrifice."
One of the Sand cows steps outside the church, and Morris watches at it seems to explode into a vicious cyclone of sand particles that literally cuts hundreds of zombies to shreds!
"Can all of you do that?"
"Yes... but only once."

-"Now you will help us."
"Sure. Do you know Mu?"
"Is... is that some kind of joke?!"
"Huh? No, not 'moo'... Mu!"

-Morris realizes his life depends on giving the cows information, so he convinces them that they need to find Mu and the rest of the party to get to Bill. They agree to protect him on the way to Gaga, but demand he give them all the information on Bill he has. So he tells them 'information', like that Bill has only one testicle, he slept with Queen Priscilla, the wizards of Lol want to kill him, Bill once survived a nuclear explosion, and that he's a Neocon.

-Meanwhile, the rest of the PCs have been brought before Queen Zoey and her court.
"Has the danger passed?"
"Technically speaking? More or less."
"We've uh.. renovated the biodiversity of the area... with zombies."
"If we look at the project specifications we see most tasks has been completed!"

-"So, there's still thousands and thousands of zombies about to overrun us?!"
"Yes. Sorry. Can we get our reward now? We have to go."

-"You get no reward until you get rid of the zombies!"
"How the hell are we supposed to do that??"

-"What we need is a more experienced adventurer..."
"Your majesty, Morris the Creep has just arrived in the city!"
"Oh shit, quick Tonut get us out of here!"
"He brings monsters with him, your Majesty, some kind of Cow-ninjas! Also, he's now some kind of ass-cyborg!"


-"Morris is a creep. But sometimes a creep is what's needed!"
"You're a terrible queen?"
"What did you say to her?!"
"Oh, no Mr. Harembe, I meant Priscilla! Priscilla is a terrible queen."
"Hey! Fuck you fatty! I was going to sleep with you but now you just blew it."

-Morris arrives with his Cows.
"We were told you know where we can find Bill the Elf."
"Yeah, um.."
"--Bill the elf is the commander of the zombie armies! If you want to get to him you have to kill all the zombies."
"...That seems to make sense."
"I can't believe that worked!"

-The stupid Cow elementals head off to kill every zombie they can find.
"Since Morris brought the cows to us, he will be allowed to stay, and not be sent back to Fashion Jail."
"We'll see how long that lasts."

-The PCs regroup the next morning for a massive brunch and healing session. Unfortunately, Tonut gets Disapproval early on and as his divine punishment is required to 'heal the lame'.
"OK, I'll heal Mu, then."
"Mu's lame, and I heal him. So did that work."
"Is Mu still lame?"
"Well, yes."
"Then no."
"Damn it."

-"Morris are you still taking a dump?"
"*PING* Defecation complete*"
"Just finished!"
"Ok, come here, I have to heal the lame!"

-"*ASS calculates 1.8% chance of this healing succeeding in any way*"
"Damn. There's probably lame people in the Fashion Dungeon..."

-"You lost your +4 Mace. That's pretty lame!"
"Go away, Morris."

-Mu goes to see Harembe.
"No, my name is Harembe. I had an ancestor named Harambe..."


-"As you may know, Harembe, I'm a wizard."
"...Are you sure?"

-"I need to ward something, so I can become a dude again."
"...You're not a dude?"

-Mu is heading back to the palace when he runs into a strange pink mutant in a tacky-looking suit and tie.
"Hey there, chum! My name's Chris, and I have a business offer for you that you won't want to ignore."
"Why do you talk like that?"
"Like what?"
"Like you're in an old-timey documentary or something?"
"I don't follow you, friend!"
"Whatever. Let's go to my room."
"Let's do it! And by 'do it' I mean business, not homosexual activity!"
"I'm a woman!"
"...Are you sure?"

-Tonut, Kumar and Publio had made their way down to the Fashion Dungeon, but the guards don't want to let them in. However, they do find out that Emily the elf is in Fashion Prison!
"What, why?"
"Apparently, she was saying that her majesty Queen Zoey has Chlamydia!"
"...that doesn't sound like Emily."
"No. It sounds like Priscilla is getting rid of the competition."
"The report also says that she's super jealous of Priscilla because Priscilla is so much prettier than she is, and Priscilla and Harembe will probably get married soon."
"Does it, now?"

-Back in Mu's room, he learns that Chris wants to become the adventuring group's Manager. Chris assures Mu that they'll all make money, and Mu assures Chris that he's the leader of the group and can represent all of them.
"Excellent! Just sign right here."
"Ok, sure, this doesn't sound shady at all."
"Oh no. It's not shady, not even a little bit, my friend!"

-"You know in spite of being a lesser member of the royal family, this is actually the first time I've ever been in this palace."
"Queen Zoey sounds kind of cold."
"That's right! Although, my mother was also a pathological liar, so it might be that I'm not from the royal family at all! You know, I've said too much."

-"Mu, you're a wizard, you're supposed to be smart."

-Having been unable to find "the lame" at the dungeons, Tonut and company  head into the city, and get to a "holistic clinic". There they meet a hipster girl pretending to be a hippie girl. You can tell she isn't, because she's too clean.
"What do you people do here?"
"Mostly yoga!"
"Miss you are culturally appropriating my culture!"
"Oh no, it's ok, because we're really attractive!"


-"Mr. Kumar would you like to give a talk about spirituality here?"
"We both could!"
"Oh no, your friend is just a cleric. We only want talks from spiritual people, like you!"
"I did not say I was spiritual..."
"Yes, but, it's obvious you're spiritual..I mean, you know..."


-They finally get the pseudo-hippie chick to let them into a yoga class. It's full of relatively attractive women, one obese man, and the handsome instructor wearing a man-bun.
"That one. The Man-bun. Break his leg."
"Does it look breakable?"
"He's probably a vegan, so he has the bone strength of a bird."


-While Publio shatters the man-bun's knee, Kumar is complaining about the state of things.
"What in the heck is this shit?! This is not yoga, it is just stretching!"

-Tonut heals Man-bun's shattered knee. When he does so, the instructor's man-bun also falls off.
"I have healed the Lame!!"

-"Hey, you guys are the heroes who stopped the zombie army, right?  We just got your merchandising!"
"Yeah, these yoga mats with your faces on them. Your manager just brought them."
"Uh, ok."

-When the group gets back together they find out about what Mu has done with Chris.
"He's our new business manager."
"Like hell he is."
"Well, friends, Mu is your leader, and he signed these contracts on your behalf!"
"He's not our leader and had no authority."
"Oh. Well, in that case, maybe we can re-negotiate?"
"Sure... I Geas him."
"I Charm him."

-Chris, now Geased and Charmed, makes new contracts with everyone, except Mu who is stuck with the older, shittier contract. Then he goes and negotiates a reward for the party with Queen Zoey, much to their surprise.
"This guy might just pay off."
"Oh fuck's sake, he'll be like Zeke Bodean all over again."

-The next morning, the PCs are awakened by alarm bells. A large armed sky-ship is flying down into Gaga, causing everyone to panic.
"Is it sky-nazis?"
"Well, there's no sky-nazi insignias."
"They could be undercover. I've heard they're very skilled at that."

-It turns out to be Roman and Jal'udin!
"Get in, bitches, we're going to save the universe!"

-the PCs pile into the ship, with Chris making it in too just before they take off.
"Who's this?!"
"He's our meat-shield."
"Oh. Well, why not? I guess it's useful for your meat shields to have meat shields!"

-Jal'udin found the entrance to a deep cave complex that might have Ancient survivors inside it.

-Jal'udin will not be coming with the team, but tries to get them to tell him where the Sunstaff is found. They don't tell him, but claim that the Azure Order knows, in what is probably a bad move.

-"This Ancient complex is found in the Mountains of Terror. Don't worry, though, it's only a name! They're really more of a tall range of hills!"

-"Any information about the Dark Ones I should know?"
"There's two things you need to know about the Dark Ones..."

-The entrance to the cave is surrounded by orcish totems depicting their god of death, and dire warnings.
"It says 'Welcome, Adventurers'!"

-At the entrance of the cave, the PCs find a heavy blast-door with a high tech keypad. Roman has Morris check for traps, but only to see if the pad is electrified. Then he uses his Sonic Tool to open it.

-Inside the cave complex the PCs encounter a group of Shadow Elves! Like all shadow-elves they have night-black skin, long luxurious hair, extra-pointy ears, badass scimitars, a general tough-guy look, and ridiculous squeaky voices.
"Why do they all have squeaky voices?"
"Because Fuck Drrzt, that's why."


-The Shadow Elves do not give the PCs the right to pass. Heidi challenges their leader, Ashiliath the Tormentor, to single combat.
The battle is really close for several rounds, but finally Heidi gets in a staggering blow.
"Oh! I'm Lame!"

-With Ashiliath crippled, the other Shadow Elves prepare to kill him. Heidi complains but they insist it is the way of their people.
"We must sing him our falsetto death-cry to send him to the hall of warriors"
"You're a stupid race and should feel ashamed of yourselves."

-"Go forth, adventurers. And if you run into any others of our race, tell them that you are he who slew Ashiliath the Tormentor, and they will let you pass."
"Just to be sure, is there any other 'the Tormentor' in these caves?"
"No, he was the only one."
"Ok, cool."

-The PCs enter a huge cavern covered in glowing mushrooms.
"This reminds me of a joke I have once heard, sirs! Knock knock!"
"Do we have to Kumar?"
"Knock knock, sirs!"
"Who's there."
"Fungi! Do you get it? Like fun-guy!"
"I knew a fun guy once..."

-"Quick, Chris, pretend you're Bill the Elf!"
"Sure! I might even have elven blood in me, you know. Though knowing that bitch mother of mine, it might all be lies!"

-"I'm going to try to hide."
"Heidi is right here!"
"No, hide, not heidi!"

-"*ASS Sensors detect 12 orcs in the next chamber. Alert! Orcs are missing 97% of their brain mass!*"

-The orcs are hiding behind the mineral rocky outgrowths, but they don't move at all. Heidi isn't having any luck shooting at them either.

-"I'm going to charge them! Who's with me??"
"We're all with you, Publio. Morally, I mean. Not literally."

-"I'm going to cast magic missile at them. That's thinking like a wizard... which means it's probably a bad idea."
"We're with you morally too, Mu!"

-Heidi has Tonut lift him into the air and then cannonballs a bunch of the brain-dead orcs.

-Chris manages to bash in the head of an orc!
"I've had my first blood! I haven't had an erection this strong in years, fellows!"
"TMI, dude!"


-An orc stabs Chris through the spine.
"Augh, my spine!"
"Even his cries of agony sound funny."
"I deserve this, I tried to fly too close to the sun. Learn from me, my friends!"

-Mu uses his psionic power to make himself invisible to the orcs; when he does so, he senses a deep evil power. He notices Roman is sensing the same thing.

-Tonut gets disapproval, and now has to Heal the Sick.

-Chris has miraculously survived; but his spine is shattered.
"Is that being sick?"
"No, that's lame."
"Damn it!"

-With the party in dire straights, Publio charges an orc, fumbles, and heroically stabs Morris into unconsciousness.
"You didn't kill him!"
"That will be up to us now."

-"I'll attack the orc on Morris."
"You sure, Heidi? You haven't killed the one on you yet."
"Oh, well then I definitely don't help Morris."
"After all, the other orc will probably hit Publio first."
"Or Morris. But either way, nothing of value will be lost."

-"*ASS Calibrating*!"

-Publio fumbles again!
"We did too good a job of training him wrong..."


-"Well, friends, today was definitely a roller-coaster ride of emotions. I went from having massive wood to shitting myself."
"Aw man, you should have told me that before I laid hands on you to cure you!"

-"We should stop here and rest."
"We can't stop here! This is Dark One country!"


However, the session could indeed stop here.  Will the PCs survive the complex infested by the Dark Ones? Will Morris ever stop being Lame?  Will Mu ever change gender again? Would anyone notice if he did? Will Publio end up killing himself, or a fellow party member? All this and more will probably not be answered in our next exciting session. Stay tuned!


(28 June 2017)
Title: DCC Campaign Log
Post by: RPGPundit on July 11, 2018, 09:08:30 PM
DCC Campaign Update: Do you Think He'd Want to be Buried With my Pants?

In the last adventure, the PCs had found their way into an Ancients' Complex (ruined, of course) in the hopes of somehow discovering a living ancient somewhere within. Thus far they'd had no luck at that, only running into some dark elves and some very creepy orcs who were missing large parts of their brains. They had holed up in a room to rest for the night.


-Morris, Mu, and Publio all go out to keep watch at the entrance, and promptly disappear (on account of all three of their players not being able to make it this session).


-"Lots of us are still injured from that last battle."
"Ok, let the healing begin!"

-In the night, the PCs are ambushed by a small squad of feral halflings!
"Heidi, your turn."
"Ok. I'm going to use one halfling as a weapon to hit another halfling with."

-"Oh, damn, I forgot I was a pacifist!"
"You went on a violent rampage as a reflex, Heidi. You were still half-asleep."
"Yeah, Heidi gets very pissy when he's woken up."
"I thought I was having a nightmare!"
"Maybe his dream is not to be a pacifist."
"We knew you were a psycho like the rest of us!"


-"We burn the halfling corpses."
"Yeah. In a dungeon it's important to be environmentally conscious and clean up your mess."

-"My map of this dungeon is all fucked up."
"That's just what we want to hear when we're deep in the bowels of an ancients complex..."

-The PCs figure out their direction, and promptly run into a Servant of the Dark Ones... a Brain-Eater!


-Fighting with their usual level of ability, the PCs don't manage to stop the Brain-Eater before it launches its terrible psychic blast. Tonut the Cleric's brain explodes.

-Roman manages to get into some kind of psychic battle with the Brain-Eater; and while he's not able to destroy it, he manages to scare it away, complete with strange glowing multicolored lights coming out of Roman's eyes.
Kumar very bravely or very stupidly (or both) chases after the Brain-Eater, but it turns ethereal and walks away from him.

-"I can't believe Tonut died."
"Yes, it's a tragedy."
"So sad."
"We loot the fuck out of the body."

-"Say, friends, do you think I can take his pants? My own pants have been soiled for over a day."
"Sure, why not?"
"Do you think he'd want to be buried with my pants?"
"No, let's leave him some dignity."


-Heidi takes Tonut's super Power-Armor.  Chris, in addition to taking Tonut's pants, inherits Heidi's old plate mail.
"I'll always remember our stalwart friend Tonut when I wear these pants. Hopefully I won't dishonor them like I did my last pair!"

-"Man, that brain-eater sure got us a lot of loot!"

-"Tonut also had this bag of unlabeled white powder.."
"I'll take that!"

-Around that time, a trio of zero-level newbs arrive. It turns out they were all slaves or employees of one of the bands of dark elves, who left them behind when they deserted the complex.  The trio include a human prostitute, a Cold Mutant butcher, and a Fishman Fisherman (again).

-"You're all my friends."
"I'm not your friend."
"You're my friend, pal!"
"I'm not your pal."
"You're my pal, buddy!"
"I'm not your buddy."
"You're my buddy, chum!"


-"You guys have no absolute proof, but yet somehow you know that dark elves mostly like pegging."
"The hooker left her strap-on behind."

-"Are these people even worth keeping?"

-"Why does that dead cleric not have any pants?"
"Because I'm wearing his pants now, friend!"
"Why don't you give him your old pants, then?"
"We don't want to desecrate his corpse."
"Yes, especially after his sacrifice. Tonut died so that I might have pants!"

-"Do you have any food?"
"We have peanuts."
"She can't have any of my peanuts!"

-"Get your mind out of the gutter, Roman."
"You're mistaken, madam. I'm not interested. I know where you've been."

-The PCs decide to retreat, for rest and healing, to the ruined tower complex, negotiating a truce with the three Dark Elves still hiding out there. Sammi the hooker mentions to Heidi that the elves have a chest that she strongly suspects (from her prior experiences with them) holds the Dark Elves' treasure. Heidi, however, feels bound by the truce. So she tells Roman instead, and he immediately agrees to murder the Dark Elves in the night.

-"So, I'll take the 2nd watch tonight, with the hooker."
"I prefer 'Lady of the Night'."
"And Hillbilly Giants prefer to be called 'Tall Sons of the Soil', but that's not happening either."

-Roman and Sammi's plan is that they'll pump Heidi full of healing sedative, and then she'll seduce the one elf that's on guard, leading him away, while Roman murders the two who are sleeping. Unfortunately, they run into a problem.
"Sorry miss, I'm asexual."

-They wait until the third watch, getting the other two newbies in on the action. And while they dispatch the two sleeping dark elves, the guard who had been led away by Sammi comes back too soon, and manages to murder both the Cold Mutant and the Fishman before they can finish him off.

-The elven loot turns out to be mostly magic items!  An endless waterskin, some unlabeled potions, a scroll of levitation, and a +1 sword.
"If Morris' ASS was here, it could probably identify those potions."

-Since Heidi still needs more of the medi-drugs to get close to his full HP, the party rests for another day.  For security purposes, Kumar props up the corpses of the elves and the dead party members to appear to be lookouts.

-The party finally starts to move deeper into the complex again. There, they get to a large flooded area, that's been made crossable by some rickety wooden bridges, in the middle of which is a small island of dry ground with huge piles of garbage on it. In that Island the PCs spot a group of degenerated feral dwarves who appear to have gone insane. Heidi flies over them, and sets fire to the nearest garbage pile.

-In the distance, at the entrance of a flooded room, the PCs hear a dark elf screaming for help.
"I'm terribly injured but alive! Please someone help me! Both my legs are broken!"
They ignore him.

-Flying over the flaming garbage island, the PCs move over to another area, a huge promenade with signs that there were successive periods of habitation with a variety of architecture. The original Ancients construction was built over with brick, then with wood, then with scraps of metal or any garbage that could be found. The place seems mostly abandoned. But the dwarves who fled the flaming garbage were waiting there in ambush and they rush forward to attack!

-After a couple of rounds of combat, the Dwarves run like hell, scattering in various directions. One of the dwarves fled through some kind of sewer grate that was hidden behind a pile of junk.
"We should go down this man-hole."
"And here I thought my days of going down man-holes was over."

-The Party makes their way down into a sewer area, which is mostly dry though it has several inches of a greenish-black gunk on most of the ground.
"I expected this man-hole would be deeper."

-"There's two possibilities: Either the Brain-Eaters don't come down here, or they might all be down here!"

-The party doesn't run into a brain-eater, but they do run into a giant sewer snake! Sammi attacks it with her dark elf scimitar but it snaps.
"Piece of shit dark elven scimitars! They're just made to look cool."

-Chris hits the snake!
"I think I'm doing well, chums!"
One round later, the snake bites his head clean off.

-"Oh shit! Well, can we heal him?"
"He's been decapitated!"
"So, no?"

-After slaying the snake, the PCs continue on along the empty sewer.
"In the distance, you hear the sound of a dwarf dying horribly."
"That sounds promising."

-They proceed forward and find a large chamber, containing ten cryo-stasis tubes! It also contains a very dead dwarf, who seemed to have the very  life sucked out of him and a frozen look of terror on his face.
"Let's go in!"
"Wait, don't you think it might be dangerous?"

-All the tubes are flashing some kind of alert in Ancient.  As it happens, Kumar reads ancient.
"I'll fly you in through the man-hole"
"You've been in too many man-holes, bro."

-The alert indicates that all ten tubes have been 'corrupted'. Heidi flies Roman in to activate the auto-destruct on the tubes. As the countdown begins, spectral beings float out of the tube, causing damage to everyone from sheer horror.
"Cheese it!"
"What the fuck are they?"
"Ghosts? Who are we going to call??"


-The party runs like hell down the sewer, as the self-destruct blows the entire chamber to bits.

-They keep going, and make their way to the armory!
"It looks like it was raided at some point, but there's still a bunch of stuff in there."
"It could also still have defenses."
"I could cast Cantrip to see if anything reacts.."
"Don't do that."
"Why not, sir?"
"Isn't Cantrip the spell that makes you open a bridge to the Outer Void as a mercurial effect?"
"Yes, that is right.."
"We're in a complex full of servants of the Dark Ones. What do you think that will do?"
"Oh. Yes on second thought I had better not cast Cantrip."

-Kuman casts force-manipulation instead, which causes a pair of defense drones to activate and start firing.

-"What do we do now?"
"We charge at the drones, on the count of three!"
"You won't just all stay here and leave me to charge in alone, will you?"

-"If you let me go in there alone, I swear you guys are all screwed!"
"You nearly punched me to death!"
"That was an accident!"

-"I dive in and get behind cover."
"You'd have to be prone for that."
"Given her former profession..."
"Yeah, I don't mind."

-"I continue to stay under cover."
"So you mean she's lying there like a dead hooker."

-Roman uses his sonic tool to destroy the drones.


-They find the armory has a number of quite useful items.  There's carbon-fiber armor, which is very light.
"You should wear that, Kumar!"
"Will it have a spellcasting penalty?"
"A small one. But hey, it's not like you've been casting anything useful anyways."

-This exchange triggers a moderately lengthy conversation on whether clerics or wizards are more useless.

-"Hey, we found a medi-bot!"
"Oh, does it have more of those drugs?"
"Great, now Heidi's a healing-sedative junkie."


That's it for today. The party decides to hole up in the armory, deep within the dungeon of brain-eaters.  Will they actually find an Ancient that's not turned into an undead that wants to kill them? Or will they all just end up getting their brains eaten?

Stay tuned to find out!


Currently Smoking: Lorenzetti Horn + Argento Latakia
Title: DCC Campaign Update: I Just Wanted To See Mu Struggle
Post by: RPGPundit on July 27, 2018, 01:13:48 AM
When we left off, the party was hiding out in the armory of an Ancients' complex that has been overrun with servants of the Dark Ones (Brain-Eaters) plus some feral dwarves and a retreating band of Dark Elves.  They'd lost two of their number (Tonut the Cleric, and the party's manager/agent Chris), but gained a former Hooker. Half the party was also missing, having been on a watch and then just disappeared.


-Sammi the Hooker levels-up and becomes Sammi the Cleric. Switching from the world's oldest profession, to the second-oldest and far less honest one.

-"The character sheet we're using has the saving throws placed right next to the Ability Scores that modify them."
"I  never noticed that before!"
"It also has a shield for AC!"
"And a trapezoid for HP, the trapezoid being the universal symbol for health."
"Of course, that's why hospitals everywhere have a giant rotating trapezoid on their roof."

-"So how much should I charge you guys for healing?"
"It's usually free."
"OK, but the pegging is extra."
"Clerical healing is free? Have you guys not spent a lot of time around clerics in this setting?"

-"I'm looking at my notes here, who is Sammi?"
"That's my character, you know, the one I just leveled up?"
"Oh, OK, right. So who's Androman?"
"Wait... did you maybe write 'and Roman'?"

-"I wish we had a character named Androman!"
"Wouldn't Androman just mean 'man man'?"

(Androman is real! And possibly related to BOLT-0!)

-"I need money to reduce my disapproval if I'm going to keep healing."
"See? I told you it wasn't free!"
"So, you're really right back to your old job, huh?"

-The joviality is interrupted by the presence of a feral humanoid figure smelling of shit scratching frantically at the service duct grill.
"We kill it with fire!"
"Wait.. I think that's Mu!"

-"Christ, we lose him for 1 day and he reverts to a goddamn animal!"
"Hey, it was 2 days!"

-Sammi had not yet met Mu.
"What kind of monster is that thing?!"
"I'm not a monster, I'm a wizard."
"Wait, Mu's a wizard?"


-"Being all feral and covered in shit for most people would be a big humiliation; for Mu, it's Tuesday."

-"Where's Tonut?"
"Tonut is dead."
"Tonut's dead?!"
"Wait, which one was Tonut?"
"Your nephew!"
"OH! Yes, right... I'm so sad about that."

-"Chris is also dead."
"But before he died he transferred the right to your contract to us, so now we get to keep 80% of your treasure share."
"I refuse to believe that unless I see a contract."
"Ok, wait a second... hey, has anyone got any paper?"

-"So I was meaning to ask: what are all of you guys doing in this ruin anyways?"
"We're saving the universe."
"Yes, and believe it or not, this is the sanest, safest way to save the universe."

-The party having been reunited with Mu, and having rested and healed enough, they move on to the next room. It turns out to be the old water reservoir of the complex. And they find it guarded by Water Elementals!
"Be careful, they can only be harmed with magic!"
"Then we're doomed!"
"Goddamnit Mu, you're the wizard!"

-One of the Water Elementals swallows Kumar! But he quickly unretracts his retractable hoverbike and shoots out of it.


-Mu dives into one of the Elementals after casting Chill Touch.
"You do two points of damage, then the chill touch wears off and you start to drown."
"No I don't, I have gills, remember?"
"He's more of a freak than we thought!"

-Sammi made use of the spell we now call "Ack'basha's Sanctuary" to protect herself, and then backed away about 20' from the action.
"Kumar is hurt and could use my healing, but he's too far away..."
"He's 20' away!"
"So, so far.."


-Heidi fumbles and falls on his back.
"It's very wet here."
"That's what you get for running by the pool!"

-Mu is just floating around in the Elemental, whose internal body is now full of shit. He's desperately flailing around but can't get him out.
"This is your life now, Elemental!"

-Mu pretends to be drowning to see if the elemental will stop trying to pull him out, but the Elemental doesn't fall for it.

-"I guess Heidi's OK?"
"He's doing better than Mu's elemental!"

-Heidi flies up on his jetpack and divebombs the elemental! He does damage but of course goes right through the other side and slams at full-speed on the pavement, knocking himself out and destroying his jetpack.

-All night, the GM has been accidentally calling Heidi "Ack'Basha".
"You  know why? Because Heidi kicks ass now, and reminds me of his last badass!"
"He's even got a power armor!"

-No matter how hard Mu's elemental tries, he just can't get the slippery bastard out of his body.
"The funny thing is that if I was casting spells right now I'd be rolling really well!"
" probably wouldn't."

-"Mu's elemental now seems to have fallen on his knees, put his hands on his face and started to weep. The Elemental behind him is patting his back in a hopeless attempt to comfort him."

-Kumar and another elemental mutually off themselves, thanks to Kumar's chill-touch and the Elemental's high-damage slam.

-"Kumar is dead, guys!"
"Looting time!"

-Roman had run off at the start of the battle, when his sonic tool got soaked. He finally comes back in from the armory, his tool repaired, and starts blowing up Elementals with it.
"How the hell did you do that?"
"With... the powers of vibration. Yes, that'll do."

-"I got the thing you shouldn't get."

-"Roman, would you like to keep Kumar's hoverbike?"
"No, better not. There was a bike race in the desert once... things got weird. It's not a Vincent Black Shadow, is it?"


-"We should give Kumar a decent burial... throw his corpse into the reservoir."

-No sooner do they toss the body into the water, that a huge Water Elemental emerges from the pool.
"Mu, you fucking idiot."

-"Cheese it!"
"Yeah, but don't run by the pool!"

-Running away from the Elemental, they make their way into an exit gate. It looks too small for the Elemental to pass through and maintain form, so they run through, along a broad promenade. They suddenly run into a trio of terrified people running the other way!
They are a Blue Mutant Psychic Shaman, a Blue Mutant Orphan, and a human Lumberjack... or hipster.
"His trade good is a mirror; he's definitely a hipster."


-Turns out the trio were servants or slaves of the Dark Elf expedition, and the reason they're running in the opposite direction from the PCs is that they're fleeing the group of Brain-Eaters who just murdered all the Dark Elves.
"Do I know where the Brain-Eaters are?"
"Yes, they're in the opposite direction from where you're running."

-"What are your names?"
"How about we tell you after we finish fleeing for our lives?"
"We're not really in danger, nothing's after us. Well, except for 3 Brain-Eaters."

-The party goes into a room off the promenade, which triggers some kind of sinister memory in Mu's mind from when he'd gone feral. Vizi the Shaman uses one of his psychic powers to detect that Mu had a very traumatic experience here involving a kindly old dwarf and three wight-like ghosts.

-The party moves on to another room, one they hope is actually 'safe'. Inasmuch as anywhere is safe in this death-dungeon.

-The room has one broken door; so Mu tries to cast Ward Portal, finally turning into a man again. But it's not well cast, so he tries again, becoming a woman. Finding it insufficient again, he tries it a third time, becoming a man again, but to no great effect. Then he loses the spell.
"So is he a woman again?"
"Honestly? I can't tell the difference."

-"Should I spellburn to try again?"
"It doesn't really matter, Brain-Eaters can become ethereal and pass through walls."
"So we're all dead anyways, if they find us?"
"Why didn't you say that before?"
"I just wanted to see Mu struggle."

-The orphan is just desperate for affection.
"Hello, what's your name?"
"Hello Heidi; I'm Udin the orphan. Will you be my friend?"
"Oh, well, that's OK, that happens to  me a lot."

-"Hey Mu, do you want to know what happened to you back in that other room?"
"No, Vizi."
"So just to make sure, you don't want to know you were raped by ghosts? OK, I won't tell you then."
"You already said too much!"

-That night, an attack comes from the broken door. It's not Brain-Eaters, but rather Giant Bats!
"We shouldn't have stopped here, this is Bat Country!"

-Numerous giant bats swarm on the orphan, biting him fatally.
"I'm finally being adopted!"
"Is the orphan retarded?"

-Roman uses the Sonic Tool to make all the bats' heads explode.
"Take that you goddamn animals!"


-"I'll need healing now."
"I have shamanic herbs..."
"No, I need real healin-- wait, what kind of herbs?"
"'Medicinal' herbs..."
"That you smoke?"
"I will have some of your herbs, my good man, and I think this may just be the start of a beautiful friendship."

-The orphan is dead.
"Did he have anything of value?"
"Man, they get started early these days..."
"I'll take that rum!"

-"Mu was very expensive to heal."
"Well, his worth is.. not much, actually."

-The next day the PCs explore down the way the bats were. Going deeper into the complex they find their way into a huge chamber that took some serious damage at some point; the room is bisected by a huge chasm.
Vizi the shaman mutant uses his psychic powers, and sees a visions of ancients trying to flee on skyships when a terrible explosion cracks open the earth. It looks like everyone dies, but any remains of their skyships and possible cryopods would be somewhere down at the bottom.

-"G.O.D., please fix Heidi's jetpack"
"Your divine aid roll wasn't very high. Some cosmetic repair is done, but for the most part the jetpack is still clearly non-functional."
"G.O.D. did a half-assed job!"

-"I try not to look into the abyss, because if I do it'll probably look back at me."

-6500gp in sacrifices and divine aids later, the cleric has finally managed to repair the jetpack.

-"hey guys, over the edge there's all these bridges and ladders and shit. It looks like we could just walk the whole way down."

-It turns out that repairing the jetpack wasn't as useless as it seemed at first glance, since when they're about halfway down the chasm, the party gets ambushed by goblin archers!

-"I was just about to kill all the goblins, but then I remembered I'm a pacifist."
"Heidi's pacifism is very gradually wearing off!"

-"Are you present, Roman?"
"Its hard to tell, I'm on a lot of substances."

-The goblins were leading the PCs toward a Troll!

-"Wait a sec... water monster... goblins, deep caves.. are we in Moria?"


-Mu uses his levitation scroll to move away from the Troll, which throws Roman off the bridge! Mu is quite happy about this until he floats right into the crossfire of the goblin archers. They fill him with arrows and he starts to fall. Fortunately, Heidi saves them both.
"And you guys said there was no point to the Jetpack..."

-Unfortunately, goblin snipers kill the lumberjack. No one cares much, since it was pretty obvious that the Psychic Shaman was the one destined to become the new level 1 guy.

-The troll, meanwhile, tried to jump at Heidi and ends up plummeting to the bottom of the chasm.

-"The troll is still around... I can sense him."

-"can you decapitate a troll?"
"I intend to try decapitating him with this grenade."

-The PCs get to the bottom of the chasm, which is full of garbage from thousands of years of trash. One of them finds a hoverboard!
"What's a hoverboard?"
"There's two things you have to know about a hoverboard.."

-Vizi the psychic mutant, on the other hand, ends up finding a laser sword.
"So... he's basically a Jedi now."
"Wait, does that mean Heidi is Boba Fett?"
"I want to know if Roman is Palpatine..."
"Mu is probably Jar Jar."
"Yeah, I probably am."
"I don't like this game. It means as the only girl I'll probably end up in a slave bikini."


-The group finally finds the shell of a skyship with a number of ruined cryotubes.. but one still seems to be working.
"Always just ONE? We can't ever luck out with a backup?! Why??"

-The Cryotube has an ancient. He's an adult male, very large and muscular. Since Roman is the only one who talks ancient, the two have a conversation.
"He says his name's Mongo, and he's a great fighter."
"Oh shit, I think he might be retarded."

-The troll suddenly springs out to attack! He survived the grenade, but this time, the PCs finish him off.  Mongo rushes in after and stomps on the Troll remains, shouting like an imbecile.
"Told you so."
"It doesn't matter! We just need an Ancient. Even this one will do!"

-"Now we just have to get the fuck out of here and manage not to kill our Ancient."
"That's going to be hard..."

That's it for this session. Will the PCs manage to get out of the complex, without killing Mongo?  Stay tuned to find out!


Currently Smoking: Davidoff 400-series + C&D's Bayou Evening

(July 27, 2017)
Title: DCC Campaign Log
Post by: RPGPundit on August 27, 2018, 11:28:24 PM
DCC Campaign Archive: I Plea-Bargained Them Down From Feces

In our last session the PCs had found themselves an ancient (albeit a mentally deficient one). But they were still inside the Brain-Eater-infested ancients' complex. The question now is whether they can get out without killing their prize.


-"The Ancients we get are never actually competent examples of their grandeur. First we found a little child, and now a mental defective."
"The next two will probably be a sexual deviant and then a vegan."

-"Well, it's not like any of our PCs were ever competent!"
"huh... truly we ARE created in their image!"

-"The Dwarves are kind of competent!"
"Yes, they're a very intelligent people, and if the Dwarven Holocaust hadn't completely fucked them up they'd be great. But as it is..."
"Well, it was only a short holocaust!"
"Bad pun, man."

-The canyon wall collapses on Sammi while she is still inside the skyship.
"should we try to rescue her?"

-"Do you think the Brain Eaters will be trying to find Mongo?"
"Let's hope his stupidity buys us some time."

-Vizi climbs to the other side of the canyon, and gets a vision of Brain Eaters. So the party goes the other way and runs straight into... a brain-eater!


-Vizi hits the Brain Eater, and it responds with a psychic attack!
"Vizi, you now feel confused; you may end up acting irrationally."
"Like anyone in this campaign ever acts rationally!"

-"He's thrust himself into my mind!"
"He's using Mind Thrust, that's a psychic attack."
"Yeah but he's thrusting real deep!"


-Roman blows the Brain-Eater to bits with his psychic attack, doing 136 points of damage.
"OK, what the fuck is this guy?"

-"I'm only 18xp away from level 3, so I'll probably die soon."

-As the group moves on, the party continues mocking Mu about his having been 'raped by ghosts', an event that never actually happened.

-When they get back to the main promenade, the party runs into Publio, who is hanging from a cage. He was left there by feral Dwarves.

-"Who's the new guy?"
"This is Vizi, our replacement Publio, except this one was properly trained."
"Yeah, he has a laser-sword and he force-hit a Brain Eater. He's basically a Jedi."


-"Can I get a new weapon too?"
"Sure. Now you already had a sword, Publio, but then you lost it. It's time for a more advanced weapon for you now... a shovel!"


-As the party is crossing the area affectionately named 'garbage island', they hear the pitiful high-pitched squeaky cries of a Dark Elf pleading for help.
"please...? someone? I'm still alive here but I can't move... I'm in horrible pain!"

-They check it out and find a Dark Elf trapped in a water-logged room, his legs totally shattered.
"Holy shit, he's even more pathetic than normal Dark Elves!"

-"I've got a medibot but I'm not wasting it on him."

-"How are we getting out of here?"
"Jaluddin is going to pick us up."
"Ok, I'll send a message for a skyship to Lol."

-"So this Sunstaff, it can get us to the Crown of Creation. But then what?"
"We can use the Sunstaff as a weapon."
"Wouldn't we need a wizard for that though?"
"I'm a wizard!!"
"Mu's a wizard?"
"HAHA, I seriously forgot Mu was a wizard, even out of character."

-"So Jaluddin was going to pick us up?That was seriously your plan?"
"Dude, he's not coming."
"No, but... son of a bitch."

-"Do the Dark Elves have any useful wizards who could get us to Lol?"
"Soon all the world will see our dark powers!"
"Never mind, that squeaky voice just robs your people of all dignity."

-"We should go see the Azure Wizards. Maybe they got our stuff back."
"I think you're grossly overestimating the Azure Wizards."

-"why don't you want to go see the Azure Wizards?"
"Because they're failures."
"You're a failure, and we let you stay here with us."
"That hurts."

-"Lol isn't responding. We may have to get out of here on foot."
"Are there any friendly countries around?"
"Sure. The Dark Elf kingdoms are to the north, and the south has a large forest that may have some friendly mutant tribes."
"Fine. As long as there's no badlands on the way."
"Well... we're IN the 'badlands'."
"Oh shit."

-"Are we seriously going to the Dark Elf kingdoms? I mean, they are the most advanced culture around these parts but they're still freaking medieval... well, not so much 'medieval' as dumb-ass fantasy sword & sorcery."

-"Look, the Dark Elves will probably at least have wizards, right? One of them could help us."
"I bet you anything all their wizards are lame-ass summoners with skullcaps."

-The party puts the Dark Elf Cripple on a hoverboard, and ties him to Mu, basically reducing Mu to the role of a pack animal.
"Mu's finally useful!"

-After failed attempts to take the hoverboard-cripple down the mountain path, the party finally prevails on Roman to use the medibot on him. Roman pulls on Mu's rope.
"Whoah.. woah there.."
"Hey! I'm not some kind of cow!"
"I hate you guys so much."

-"What's your name?"
"Verigoth the terrible! And for healing me, the sword of Verigoth the Terrible will be yours! Well... as soon as I find a new sword."

-That night, while on guard, Vizi prevails on Verigoth to show him his 'awesome fight moves'. While Verigoth is fooling around in that way, a Griffin swoops down out of the darkness of night and viciously savages the Dark Elf.

-"Roman! Use your vibration hammer!"
"It doesn't work that way!"
"Hah, he knew what I meant."

-The Dark Elf tries to fight back, but only ends up breaking the Tormentor's sword, which Heidi had been letting him use.

-Vizi lays a killing blow with his laser-sword.
"You're coming along very nicely... I'll be watching your career with great interest."
"Yes, chancellor."


-"I'll heal the useful people first."

-The next day, the party has an encounter with 8 moose... mooses? meece!


-The mooseload are enemies of the Dark Elves.
"They are unbearable!"
"Well, at least we know these Mooses are an intelligent species."

-"This dark elf isn't with us!"
"He's just our servant now, that's why we only let him use a broken sword."

-Mongo shouts menacingly in Ancient.
"What did he say?"
"Oh, don't mind him, he's simple."
"Yeah, he's totally not the last surviving Ancient, that's for sure..."
"Shut up, Mu!"

-The Meese decide to make friends with the PCs, as long as they get to tie up the Dark Elf and throw rotted fruit at him.

-"You should not trust these mooses!"
"They have no honor!"
"That, and also they want to hurl fruit at me."
"Hey, at least I plea bargained them down from feces."

-"When we get to the Dark Elf Shadowlands you must not speak of this."
"We promise, just like we promised we won't tell that you broke the Tormentor's sword."
"Yeah, or how Mu was raped by ghosts."
"Stop it!"

-The Mooses prepare a lovely picnic for the PCs, while they tie the Dark Elf to a tree.
"Wait, how the fuck do they tie him up? They're Moose, they have no hands."
"They use their mouths."
"They're surprisingly dextrous, disney-style, in spite of not having hands."

-"We will now use you as our weapons against our enemies!"
"The dark elves?"
"No, the Vegan Mutants; who we hate even more than the Dark Elves."

-"Why should we help you with your vendettas?"
"The food from our picnic was poisoned! If you want the antidote, you will destroy our enemies."
"Damn. Well, I'm mad, but I'm not opposed to exterminating vegans."

-"Will you be joining us, mooses?"
"No. We cannot be seen to have broken our peace treaty with them."
"Wow, you meece really are bastards."

-The PCs try to explain to the mooses the significance of Mongo.
"He's special...I mean in more ways than the obvious."
"I thought you said he was a simpleton?"
"Simpletons can be special!"

-"Never trust woodland creatures."
"Yes, a surprising number of them are total assholes."

-The Moose give Heidi a bag of weapons they'd captured from past victims.
"The vegans, what are their arms and armors?"
"Sharpened sticks and hemp coats."
"oh, good."

-"These mooses are total assholes, and they poisoned us; and still, in spite of never having met them, already  hate the Vegan Mutants more than them."


-"I was denied the only thing of worth I could have taken.."
"Your dignity?"
"No, the Dark Elf's armor."

-The PCs head off to commit genocide, but Heidi, remembering again that he's a pacifist, flies ahead and meets the Vegans. He concocts quite the tale to them, about an incoming disaster and that he's an agent of the Azure Wizards, and that they have to leave their home for another valley across the mountains.  Incredibly, they believe him.

-"So you convinced them to fuck off to the mountains?"
"You realize you just sent them all to their near-certain deaths anyways, right?"
"I won't be responsible for their deaths, though. Not directly, anyways."
"You have an interesting way of justifying yourself."
"I'm just letting nature take its course."
"Wow. I don't give a shit about these guys, but that's cold."

-"Now can I have the Dark Elf's armor?"
"No, you're not ready for that."
"I hate all you guys!"
"Hey look, Publio is at that rebellious age."
"Well he is at that level of maturity where he thinks dark-elf stuff is cool."

-"The Vegans had nothing of worth?"
Of course, Heidi avoids mentioning the literal ton of weed they took with them when they left, feeling sure that Vizi and Roman would hunt them down for it.

-"This has been the worst expedition ever. All my brothers in arms are either dead or dishonored, I was tree-bound by mooses... at least I wasn't raped by ghosts."
"That didn't happen!!"
"Oh, it did."

-Just when they thought the trip couldn't go further south, the party runs into a band of Dark Elves! It's lead by Azenabraith the Slayer, brother of Asiliath the Tormentor.
"You slew my brother in combat, so I honor you. What is your name?"
"That is a warrior's name!"

-"So if you're elves, do you guys live in domes?"
"No, we have no need of domes, like our pale and pathetic cousins. We live in fortresses! Impressive dark fortresses! With many spikes! Needless spikes!"

-"Do you have wizards?"
"Yes, we have many mighty summoners."
"told you so."

-One of the Dark Elves stands guard with Mu.
"So, what are you?"
"I'm a wizard."
"Oh yeah, well what are you guys?"
"Show me your moves."


-As soon as the Dark Elf gets distracted showing his 'badass' moves, a band of orcs attack in an ambush!

-Roman utterly destroys an orc with his mind.
"Ok, what the fuck is Roman??!"

-Publio is "inspired" by the Dark Elves. Like any adolescent, he thinks drow are really cool.

-"Publio, you should prove yourself to the dark elves by acting like them!"
"Don't fucking encourage him, Mu!"

-"Maybe you should paint yourself black?"
"Shut up, Mu!"


-"The Dark Elves are like really pathetic klingons."

(unsurprisingly, this was the very first image to come up when I searched for 'pathetic klingons')

-The next night, while Vizi convinces yet another Dark Elf guy to show off his badass "moves", the party are attacked by a giant porcupine!
"Be careful! It's almost as lethal as a giant weasel!"

-Mu uses his Telepathy to enter into mental communication, only to discover the porcupine appears to have an Italian accent.
"Hey, what-a you-a doin makin-a noise near my nest?!"

-Mongo gets hit by a quill, and runs away! Roman runs after him.

-The Dark Elves also fail their morale check and run from the bombardment of quills, leaving only the PCs to face the deadly Italian Giant Porcupine.

-Vizi is taken down by the porcupine attacks (but he will survive). Mu and Heidi manage to kill the porcupine. As for Publio, he threw his shovel in a random direction, and then fell on the ground.


-Roman corrals the runaways and brings them back.
"There, see? It's dead. Any chance you had of proving yourselves mighty warriors has long since passed."

-"Is that healing robot working?"
"No. It broke down healing Mu."
"If it makes you happy, I too am almost dead."
"Why would I be happy about that, Publio? If you died I'd go back to being the most useless party member."

-"Ok, from now on, NO encouraging the dark elves to show off their 'cool combat moves' while keeping watch, damn it!"


-After a couple of more days travel, and no more 'cool combat moves', the PCs finally reach the end of the mountains.
"Behold, the Dark Elf Shadowlands!"
"It looks pretty arid and sunny for being 'shadowlands', I think."
"They are called the Shadowlands because they are the lands of the Dark Elves."
"Then why aren't you called the Shadow Elves?"
"...some people call us that.."
"No one calls you that!"
"I'll call you Shadow Elves.."
"You honor us!"

-They reach the biggest fortress, with the plan being to present themselves to the king. They're met there by a powerful-looking dark elf warrior with a voice as squeaky as all the other Dark Elves.
"I am Mereigoth Darkshadow, commander of the King's Guard."
"Oh, nothing.. I just have a cold."

-"Behold our King, Arianis Blackdragon; also our High Summoner Verminard the Sorcerer."
"Well, these guys won't be helpful..."

-"Maybe Jaludin did't come to get us because he caught Sezerkhan-aids?"
"And Lol has fallen?"
"For Jaludin's sake, I hope so."

-"Could anyone in your whole kingdom help us find a way to get to the city of Lol, high up in the floating islands?"
"Perhaps... only the Witch-Shaman."
"Which Shaman?"
"The Witch-Shaman."
"Is she a witch, or a shaman?!"
"There's two things you have to know about the Witch Shaman..."

-"She has studied not just sorcery but also the ways of the spirits."
"Been there!"
"So has Mu!"
"I have not!"

-"This warrior, Publio, wants to be like you Dark Elves, your Majesty."
"I really just want dark elf armor though.."
"Dude, you have trouble when you wear a barrel."
"Shut up! None of you understand me!"


-"Guys, when I get to play Bill again, if any of your PCs are still alive you have to tell me about this place; so I can come back and fuck it up beyond belief."

That's all for today; we leave off with the party taking some time to recover and then planning to go visit the Witch-Shaman, in what will almost certainly be either another side-quest or a complete waste of time.
Stay tuned!


Currently Smoking: Ashton Old Church Rhodesian + C&D's Crowley's Best

(August 26, 2017)
Title: DCC Campaign Log
Post by: RPGPundit on September 07, 2018, 12:12:00 AM
DCC Campaign Update: Don't Judge me, I Needed the Money

When we left off, our intrepid anti-heroes had made it to the fortress of the Dark Elves.  They had been told of the Witch-Queen, which looks like their only chance of getting back to Lol (given that the city isn't responding to their calls, and they suspect Jaludin has betrayed them).  For the moment, though, the party is resting for a week or so to try to recover.


-The Pundit's cat caught a bird.


"It's still alive!"
"Yeah, she's playing with it. She likes to torture her captures a bit and watch them suffer before killing them off."
"So, much like her master, huh?"
"Does your cat also GM DCC?"

-Mu is planning to cast "Find familiar" and he wants some help from the Dark Elf King's summoner. So he goes up to his tower, which is of course very black, and filled with skull motifs.
"The summoner even has little tiny skulls on his pointed shoes. They might be halfling-baby skulls or something."

-"What can you give me to help you?"
"I have this brain-eater body-part-mash. You could use it to summon a brain-eater!"
"Servants of the Dark Ones?! That way lies madness! Are you crazy? It'll be the ruination of us all! I'm all dark and sinister, but this is just completely fucked up! Get out of here!"

-Mu begins his slow process of turning into a supervillain.
"I'll find a great use for this brain-eater; then you'll see! You'll ALL see!!"

-Vizi and Roman spend most of the week using 'medicinal herbs'.  Publio is not impressed.
"I'm from Highbay; back there we give kids that stuff for breakfast."


-"So, what is Roman, again?"
"We don't know."
"I'm Tonut's uncle!"
"Oh... sorry for your loss."
"Huh? Oh yeah, he's dead... yeah, so sad."
"And for Sami too, you adopted her."
"I did? Oh shit, I forgot... I guess I should have suggested we dig her out from that cave in...oh, well."
"You're the one who said we should leave her behind!"
"I did?"
"You totally did. I think you said 'always leave hookers buried'."

-"No! No one is taking Mongo around the city with them, and no one is sparring with him! This guy is our ticket to the Crown of Creation! For fuck's sake, he's a musclebound retard; he couldn't be more at risk of dying if he was sexually attracted to fire!"
"How do you know he isn't?"

-Publio & Vizi go to the market.  Publio buys himself a pet monkey, for reasons only understandable to his adolescent mind.

-"I'm going to spend the week training my monkey!"
"The monkey flings shit at you."
"That's ok, it's all part of the training."

-Vizi goes to a healer; but he only caters to dark elves. Vizi offers him psychic services in exchange; and receives a vision of when the healer was frantically trying (and failed) to save the life of a dark elf officer with a big spike run right through him.


"You are a true psychic! It is true, but you have now reminded me of my greatest failure. To this day I have not been able to devise the correct herbal treatment for curing someone who's been impaled by a huge spike."

-Mu summons his familiar: it turns out to be a chimpanzee in a little wizard costume.


-The Chimpanzee can't talk, but can communicate telepathically with Mu. It turns out his name is Gilbert, and he (mentally) has a british accent.

-When Gilbert sees Publio's monkey, he's immediately attracted.
"I'm going to sniff her arse sooo much!"

-Heidi makes it clear that he thinks Publio is not mature enough to take care of a monkey.
"Who's going to end up walking it, huh? And cleaning up after it? And now with the wizard-chimp we're going to have to worry about them having monkey-puppies."

-The party heads out across the Shadowlands to see the Witch-Shaman.  Along the way, they end up being ambushed by orcs! Publio throws a rock at one, misses, and gets cut down!

-Roman once again blows up the brains of about a dozen orcs.

-The orcs are driven off, but it turns out Publio is dead!
"It's ok. He had 7 Luck. It's a miracle he lasted this long."

-The wizard-chimp had hidden for safety, with Publio's monkey, behind some rocks. Now the wizard chimp comes out behind the rocks with a satisfied look, smoking a cigarette.


-"Gilbert, with Publio dead you'll have to take care of the she-monkey."
"Now hang about, old chap! It's one thing to get a bit of totty for fun, but quite another to be tied down with her! We should just leave her here in the oasis."
"Won't that hurt her feelings?"
"I really don't think she's clever enough to understand or care. I mean, she's peeing on the corpse of her former master as we speak.."

-The party reaches the cave of the Witch-Shaman. She makes some dubious prophecies about how someone's goal is to conquer all of Creation, and how Heidi is going to die very soon, when he's up in the sky. To prove her power, she summons up "the rest of your party", which is Sami (who had been slowly dying all this time inside the ruined skyship following the cave-in), and three newbies no one had ever heard of.  They are an orc, an annoying bard with a recorder-flute, and a vegan-mutant.

-"You left me for dead, you fucks!"
"To be fair, it would have taken us several hours to dig you out."

-Heidi is quite concerned about his death-prophecy.
"What did you mean, about me dying, Witch-Shaman?"
"Ye will die, when you go up high into the sky!"
"Whoa, she must be a really good prophetess..she rhymed!"
"She's're doomed, man."

-"Who's the chimp in the wizard outfit?"
"That's my familiar, Gilbert."
"Well, good! We finally have a wizard in the party."

-The Dark Elf who had been accompanying the party since the Ancients' ruin had only agreed to guide them to the Witch-Queen because his honor had been besmirched by Vizi, and he said that when they arrived at their destination he and Vizi would have a duel.  The time has come.
"So, to first blood, right?"
"I decapitate him."

-Looting the dark elf's body, they find a book of dubious pornographic sketches that seem to feature Sami in her previous profession as a strap-on wielding sex worker.
"Hey, it's Sami!"
"Give me that!! Don't judge me, I needed the money!"


-The Witch-Shaman gives the party 3 questions. They utterly waste two of them, but the third is actually relevant to their interest, as they ask what would be the next step to fulfill their mision.
"You must go into the hills and find... a bear!"

-"Maybe its a metaphorical bear?"

-"Will you heal me?"
"I hate you the most, Roman, you left me to die!"
"Hey, I adopted you!"
"Well... anything for family."

-That night, after going in search of a bear in the hills, the party gets attacked by hippogriffs!  Vizi, the party's second-best warrior, hides behind some bushes, again.
"Why does vizi keep on hiding?"
"I want to take them by surprise!"
"God damn it, you're a warrior, we need you on the front line."
"I rolled a 20."
"Wow... that's surprisingly good hiding for a warrior."

-The hippogriffs are driven off, but not before the flute-playing minstrel died. There was much rejoicing.


-"Now I have to come up with a personality for the vegan."
"I would suggest 'annoying'."

-Heidi is now 1xp from leveling up.
"I'm so dead!"

-"Maybe your death-prophecy is a metaphor too; like you get really high and die of an overdose?"
"That's very possible, Heidi, you should leave the medicinal herbs to us!"

-The vegan survived but had one of his arms shattered.
"I'll heal the vegan's arm, but only because it's too gross."
"Are you going to apply some kind of herbal ointment?"
"No, she does Reiki."
"Don't encourage him!"

-"You don't need to worry about healing me, I'll be fine!"
"You're a vegan; you barely have any antibodies! If I don't heal you you're going to die of infection!"

-It takes Sami multiple tries to repair the vegan mutant's broken arm.
"Finally! I healed you."
"I don't know, it might have been that kale he ate."
"I hate you all.."


-A couple of days later, the PCs spot a rocket in the middle of the woods. Incredibly, the rocket appears to be in the process of being slowly repaired by a bear. There are some serious communications issues at first and it looks like the bear will be hostile, until Mu remembers he has the psychic power to talk to animals.


-It turns out the bear has always dreamed of getting to fly. His ancestors had seen the rocket in the air before it crashed, so he spent his life trying to figure out how to fix it. Roman takes a quick look and figures that the PCs could jury-rig it into a (barely) flyable state with a few days of work. Cue the A-Team Montage!

-Vizi has a psychic vision of the rocket when it crashed; of a wizard sobbing uncontrollably while encrypting some media files and then declaring that 'no one must ever know'.

-"So the previous owner of the rocket had some terrible secret no one must ever know? I bet it's inter-species porno!"
"Why did you go straight to interspecies porno?!"
"I don't know. Maybe it's because that bear is so rugged and handsome..."

-Sami has the hots for the bear, particularly after he violently drives off a Giant Badger (the bear later psychically explains to Mu that the badger is "a total asshole").
"So, is there a Mrs.Bear?"


-Unfortunately for Sami, the bear is very not interested in her.
"His only love is the sky!"

-"My Vegan-Mutant people all died in the mountains. We had to leave our village because Bill the Elf was coming."
"Yeah, well, actually there was some confusion about that. It wasn't quite accurate."
"So my people died for nothing?"

-That night, Heidi gets his 1xp by avoiding combat with a pair of giant wasps while standing guard.
"Great! Now the party is immune to Morris being Leader!"
"But we're not immune to his ASS."

-Ever since he heard about the wizard and the media files, Roman has been useless in helping with the repairs. He's been trying to spend all his time decrypting the files. Unfortunately, they have "64-level encryption", which makes them almost impossible to crack.
Sami, who has money riding on whether it's interspecies porno, even tries to use Divine Aid to crack the files, but it doesn't work.

-Heidi is sick of his own fear, and decides to fly up into the air and confront his mortality. He flies up and... nothing happens. He starts to happily soar through the air.
Everyone else is busy watching him go and cheering him on, so no one notices the two Sand-Elemental Ninja-Cows who come in and surprise attack!
"Shit, maybe the prophecy was actually that all the rest of us are going to die while Heidi is high in the sky!"


-The Sand Cows are impossible to hit except by magic or magic-weapons. The PCs are on the ropes but the real target is the rocket, which the Cows try to knock down!

-Finally, Vizi manages to psychically dominate one of the cows, to make it attack the other. Roman blows the other one up, and Vizi sends the one he controlled into the bear's cave and orders it to explode.

-"What the fuck were those things?"
"Elemental Sand-Cows. Created by the fucking Archemaster!"

-"Does this mean the Archemaster got out of the Forever Pit?"
"Probably. And that might explain why Lol isn't answering us."
"And how did he know where to find us?"
"Because I've been transmitting messages to Lol?"

-Heidi returns from his joyflight a few minutes after the battle ends.
"You absolute bastard."
"Hey, I didn't die!"
"You'll probably die in the rocket flight..."
"That would be OK because I'd be taking you all with me."

-Roman finally decripts the media files. It's not porno, inter-species or otherwise. It's actually a break-up message from an attractive human girl named Lysa, who is dumping the former owner of the rocket, a wizard named Timoteus. She's dumping him because he was so nerdy he stood her up for a date in order to make it to a Posh Elf stamp-collecting convention. Roman reveals that Timoteus was the name of the wizard who eventually went mad, and became The Archemaster!
"So that explains why he's always trying to get a fair human maiden!!"


-"What should we do with this video?"
"The Archemaster tried to kill us to avoid it being discovered."
"Then obviously, we need to transmit it on all channels so that everyone can know his secret shame!"
"Now he'll really want to kill us!"
"Yeah, but fuck him."

-Fortunately, the sand cows were dispatched before they could do any permanent damage to the rocket. But now that the PCs suspect Lol has falled into the Archemaster's hands, they decide that instead of flying to Lol, they're going to go straight to Geb, where the Sunstaff is said to be found.

Will the PCs manage to save the universe before the Archemaster murders them for revealing his humiliating secret?  Check back in our next installment to find out!


Currently Smoking: Dunhill Diplomat + C&D's Crowley's Best
Title: DCC Campaign Log
Post by: RPGPundit on September 20, 2018, 04:14:13 AM
DCC Campaign Update: Fuck Station Aleph

Last time, the PCs had found an old rocket (being slowly repaired by a bear with a dream of going into the sky), that might just be able to get them back up to somewhere near where they have to go to complete their complicated quest to get the Sunstaff, get to the Crown of Creation, and somehow rescue G.O.D.

In the process, they discovered the rocket had (long ago) belonged to the Archemaster, and they sent out his secret to the whole world, that his obsession with attractive young human girls was a product of his having been dumped by one over a century ago.


-"Remember, eating apples and bananas doesn't make you a vegan. Eating bananas and apples while acting smug about it makes you a vegan!"

-Mu's player is disappointed by the Archemaster.
"I thought he wanted a human girl for some dark ritual, and it turns out he's just pathetic."
"I'm amazed you're surprised by this, by now."

-"We have to do two things to get back up there: we need two days of good no-distraction work to fix the rocket, and careful watches to stop anyone from destroying the rocket."
"Someone is going to trash the rocket."

-PCs are discussing whether to go to Lol or the Geb asteroid, and end up planning to steal a better skyship from the Posh Elves.

-The orc newbie is directed to go empty the rocket's septic tank, and he gets attacked by a giant snake!
"There's motherfucking snakes in this motherfucking rocket!"


-"Mongo, no! Stay back, you don't know where that thing has been!"
"We know where it's been, it's been in the septic tank!"
"Oh, right, the snake is probably filthy too."

-The snake is on its last legs after Sami hits it with a well-placed dagger... well, you know what I mean. The Vegan kills it.
"I'm not retrieving that dagger, it's lost to me."
"It's covered in shit!"
"I'll take it!"

-The party gets back to work on the rocket, but didn't actually clean up the spillage from the septic tank, or the dead shit-covered snake.
This ends up attracting a pair of Shit-Eaters, hideous slime-monsters that feed on... well, you  know.

-"Are they made of shit?"
"A certain percentage of them is made of shit."

-"They were drawn by the septic runoff."
"So can't we just back away from them and let them eat it all?"
"The problem is we all have tastier shit. You know, inside us."

-"I have a plan! Quick, shit on my hands!"
"You already owe me too much money, dude."
"What the fuck is happening here?! When the fuck did this get so weird?"
"You didn't see things thus far as weird?"
"Maybe Heidi is secretly Dutch?"

-They manage to wipe out the Shit-Eaters, and the Vegan Mutant levels up into a Wizard. In following with most wizards in the campaign he gets several mostly-useless spells, but he also gets Animal Summoning, which is a potentially decent spell.
"I collect bear hairs."
"So, if he gets hair from space-bear, does that mean he'll summon sentient bears?"
"We all know why you're really asking that, Sami."


-The Vegan Wizard's only good spell (animal summoning) has the mercurial effect that he randomly corrodes a nearby metallic object every time he casts it. So he picks up several dozen chunks of scrap metal from the rocket repairs.
"OK, that's a good plan, but where are you going to carry all that?"
"I have this sack full of weed, I could use the sack.."
"We'll need to empty that out.. let's get to work!"

-The rocket is ready but the party is undecided where to go (the plan being to go somewhere to probably steal a better ship than this piece of crap they're on); so they decide to check the comments on the video of the Archemaster's humiliation to see if it gives them any ideas. The video got 400000 hits, and over 2500 comments!
"There's tons of comments from the Kekistani Air Force; they keep calling him a 'cuck' for some reason."


-"Hmmm... there's also a lot of comments coming from Fuck Station Aleph."

-Fuck Station Aleph was originally created as an orbital space station with a mega-cannon, meant to be used against the Dark Ones. The weapon failed, and the place was abandoned for centuries until squatters moved in, and eventually the whole place got turned into an enormous red-light-district of the skies. Obviously, the party decides to go there.

-The rocket takes off and it's a very shaky ride. But eventually the station is in sight.
"No, Space Bear, that's no moon.. that's Fuck Station Aleph."

-Fuck Station Aleph looks like a pimped-out Death Star with 'Get It Here' written on one side in giant letters a mile wide.


-The Rocket's landing thrusters are unstable, and it's going to crash into the outer-hull of Fuck Station Aleph.
"Attention, Fuck Station Aleph, we are out of control. We're going to be coming down hard on you."
"Ha ha!"

-The rocket's crash is not terrible, but it does damage the outer hull of the station, and renders the rocket inoperable. The PCs are greeted by a rescue-crew of large humanoid space-gerbils, and a hot tree-woman.
"The Vegan is turned on."


-The Station is gigantic, and has a lot more than just prostitutes. There's an enormous bazaar, and tons of other services. After trading out some gems for credits, the bulk of the PCs want to get high-tech weapons and armor, while Mu wants very badly to check out the magic shops. A passer-by informs him the magic alley is near "the Orgasmotron". They find Tech City first, and Mu decides to ask one of the sales reps for directions.
"Excuse me, sir... do you know where the Orgasmotron is?"
"Oh, you're one of THOSE people.."
"What? No! I didn't mean that!"
"Oh let me guess, you're 'just asking for a friend'."

-The party doesn't just buy high-tech weapons and armor, they also buy healing nanobot hypo-sprays, much to the chagrin of Sami the cleric.
"Hey, don't be offended! This is just in case you die... wait, let me rephrase that: this is for when you die."

-"You always stock up when you get to any high-tech area, because you know that most of the time you'll be stuck in some shit-hole where you're lucky if you can get a pointed stick."

-The Magic Alley of Fuck Station Aleph is not as promising as Tech City was. It's got lots of places selling dubious fortune-telling, Reiki To Full Completion, and Crystal Bead Therapy.

-They find a magic bookstore, mainly filled with useless junk and new-age books. But the Vegan Wizard casts Detect Magic and takes note that there are a few scrolls behind the counter and one book in the "antique books" section that are actually magical. The book is a sinister-looking thing called The Red Grimoire.
"Does it have an index?"
"Does it have a bookmark?"
"No, but it does have one page with a blood-soaked fingerprint mark on it."


-The owner is an obese middle-aged hippie named Grizelda.
"Excuse me, I'm looking for a specific scroll and I'm wondering if you have it?"
"What is it?"
"You know, I don't recall if I have that!"

-The Vegan Mutant is caught trying to tear a page off the Red Grimoire!
"Please don't call the security force! He's just an idiot"
"Yeah, he can work for you!"
"I don't need anyone to work here!"
"Well, maybe you could think of something?"
"Hmm... well, he is frail and sickly.. that's just my type!"
"Oh no..."

-The party leaves the Vegan Wizard behind for a night of what will no doubt be extreme discomfort. Mu makes himself invisible and hides in the store when Grizelda closes it, deciding he might as well make use of the Vegan's temporary status as harem-boy to steal all the scrolls and the Red Grimoire.  Everyone else keeps checking out Magic Alley, and they find that Fuck Station Aleph has a Curiosity Shoppe!


-While stuck in the Magic bookstore, Mu starts to read the Red Grimoire.
"OK, make a Will save."
"You don't have a bonus?"
"Oh, right... 8."

-The weirdo running the curiosity shoppe only accepts barter. He ends up trading some of the PCs' junk for Ekim's Facial Surgery Mask, and a +1 Ring of Strength.
"These aren't cursed, right?"
"Nooo! However, if you use the Mask you should steer clear of high temperature areas."

-"How does this guy stay in business?!"
"Don't question it."

-Vizi also trades some useless items, but instead of a magic item, he gets some sunglasses shaped like stars.


-After leaving the Curiosity Shoppe and while heading to a bar to find a pilot (they decided they might as well hire a ship, rather than steal it), they pass by the magic bookstore and see Mu there. Mu's got the scrolls and the Red Grimoire, but he can't figure out the code to unlock the store's front door to get out before Grizelda is done with the Vegan.  He looks pleadingly at them for help through the shop window.
"Should we let him out?"

-"You could use your sonic tool, Sami.."
"I traded it at the Curiosity Shoppe, remember?"

-Roman still has his Sonic, however. He signs to Mu that he'll let Mu out in exchange for the Red Grimoire.  At first Mu is reluctant but when the party threatens to just keep going he agrees quickly and is set free.

-"Wait, what will we do when Grizelda gets up and sees we stole the scrolls and the book?"
"We have plausible deniability... wait, let me disable that camera. There! Now we have plausible deniability."


-The pilots' bar is a typical 'hive of scum and villainy', complete with funky space-music and a crazy mix of non-human weirdos.


-"Ugh, Cyborg-Knights. I hate those guys."
"What are they?"
"They're cyborgs who are also knights."

-The bar also has a dog-man, someone in a "Sky Police" uniform, and a black guy with an afro and a kind of sci-fi pimp outfit with a cape.
"That guy has a cape, so you know he's cool"


-The cape-guy also has sunglasses shaped like triangles, so Vizi instantly heads to talk to him. Heidi goes to check out the Sky Policeman instead.

-The Sky Policeman is the last survivor of the Sky Police, who were wiped out a few years back by the Sky-Nazis.  He's a deeply traumatized law & order square. He's willing to take on the PCs' mission if it's for the sake of "law and order", and to do it for free, but gives off a clear sense that he could have problems all his own.
"You're not going to engage in any unlawful behavior, right?"
"Oh, yeah, we're totally in it for the Law & Order."

-"I mean, of course, sometimes we break a few of the rules; you know, for the sake of getting things done."
"Well... that's probably fine. I mean, I was a bit of a rules-breaker myself. I was the first man in the Sky Police to break regulations and grow a mustache! But I shaved it off two days later."

-Vizi and the other guy spend a few moments congratulating each other on their cool shades, before they're joined by Roman who wants to get actual facts.
"So what's your name?"
"Blitzkrieg Sakomano!"
"Are you a great pilot?"
"Man, I did the Kossuth Run in 42 minutes!"
"Wow. That's like, 12 parsecs!"

-"Look, we need to stay under the radar."
"That's cool, 'under the radar' is my middle name."
"So wait.. your name is Blitzkrieg Under The Radar Sakomano?"
"That's a rad name!"

-"Would you accept part of your payment in 'medicinal herbs'?"
"Shit, yeah!"
"I can see we're going to get along just fine."

-The PCs are divided as to whether to go with the Sky Policeman or Sakomano. Heidi, Sami, and Mu want to go with the Sky-cop, while Roman, Vizi and Space-Bear want to go with Sakomano.
"Dude, the Sky-cop wants law & order. We were on Fuck Station Aleph for less than two hours and we already committed grand robbery."
"Well, let's agree not to do it again, OK?"
"Oh, please. We all know we suck at not being horrible people, Heidi."

-The vote is still tied.
"We could ask the Vegan?"
"No, lets just flip a coin."
"Yeah, that sounds better."
"I have a fake Smithplium coin. I think it's symbolic of everything this group stands for."
-The coin-flip comes up for Sakomano.
"Ok, but he wants money, unlike the other guy. How do we pay him?"
"I still have the 4900 you gave me, that's almost half of what he's asking up-front."
"Yeah, but what he wants up front is only half of what he's asking in total!"
"That's a problem for Future-Us."

-Meanwhile, Grizelda was finally done with the Vegan Wizard. As soon as she stepped out front into her shop, she realized she'd been robbed. As soon as she stepped back into the back room, the Vegan mutant brutally murders her by summoning several snakes to surprise-attack her.  Then he robs the till and high-tails it out of there, since she'd managed to call for security before he killed her.
"Holy shit! What did you just do?!"
"So much for 'under the radar'."


-Trying to find his companions, the Vegan Wizard gets to the Curiosity Shoppe.
"Do you know where the adventurers who were here earlier went?"
"Are you asking 'do you have information on where the adventurers who were here earlier went'?"
"I DO!"

-"OK, so we'll meet up with you in hangar bay 6 in a couple of hours after I've completed the ship's safety checks."
"Guys? I just saw an alert. The Vegan just murdered someone. Should we leave earlier?"
"Sure we can. Shit, how many security checks do we need, really?"

-"The bear will be my co-pilot!"
"Didn't you say 'Blitzkrieg Sakomano flies alone' like five minutes ago?"
"Blitzkrieg changed his mind!"

-"That's my ship over there.. the Superfly-1!"


-Heidi, Sami and Mongo had gone to get some final supplies. Only Mongo makes his perception check and notices the "wanted" alert for the Vegan wizard, but the others ignore him.

-The station security guards spot the Vegan at the cargo bay and start to chase him.
"Man, I'm glad we didn't go with the Space-cop!"

-"If the shit hits the fan, I'll fly Mongo to the ship, you save the Vegan."
"If we're in trouble.."
"No, I mean why save the vegan?"
"He has the money."

-Mu had just bought a jet-pack. He uses it to try to fly straight to the Superfly-1. But having never flown it before, he fails spectacularly and slams into the side of a Kekistani Meme-Transport Ship.
-"I turn invisible."
"Why didn't you do that before crashing your jetpack?"
"I was nervous, mistakes were made!"


-Blitzkrieg gets Space Bear to start up the ship, while he fires on the guards to cover the PCs still making their way over.


-There's a crazy firefight, with several party members still all but hanging off the gangplank when the ship takes off and escapes from the hangar of Fuck Station Aleph.  It looks like no one actually died, but Blitzkrieg is eager to fly them out of there as quickly as possible, as they might be pursued.
"Next stop, Geb! Punch it, Space-Bear."


-"Great. That's one more locale on our list of 'places we can never go back to again'."

That's it for today. The PCs have a cool new pilot and a cool new ship and they're finally on the way to Geb. That is, assuming they can avoid pursuit from Fuck Station Aleph's Valkyrie fighters.


Currently Smoking: Ben Wade Canadian + Image Latakia

(september 16, 2017)
Title: DCC Campaign Log
Post by: RPGPundit on October 09, 2018, 07:11:44 AM
DCC Campaign Archive: They're Pre-emptive Snakes!

When we left off in our last session, the PCs were racing away from Fuck Station Aleph on the Superfly-1, being hotly pursued by the Station's Valkyrie Fighters.


-"Do you have anywhere we could lay low, Blitzkrieg?"
"Well, there's that deadly asteroid field over there."
"Oh.. and.. are you good with that?"
"Man, I'm good with everything!"

-"Hey can I start shooting at something?"
"You can start shooting at everything!"

-"Shut up, this is all your fault! You killed that woman with your snakes!"
"With all my snakes! It was awesome."
"No, it's awful."
"Well, I am a vegan."


-The Superfly-1 is being pursued by Valkyrie Fighter ships, which look like giant boobs.


-"Sakomano, just asking.. but do you have any spare vacuum-suits?"
"Hell no! Why would we need that?"

-Blitzkrieg avoids the first shots by veering the Superfly-1 slightly to the left.
"Awesome! He knows maneuvers!"


-Unfortunately, the Valkyrie Fighters also know maneuvers, and when they hit the Superfly-1 everyone on board does the Star Trek Shuffle.


-"Blitzkrieg are you sure you want to fly us into an asteroid field? We've got people on board who are 1xp from leveling up!"
"Never tell me the odds!"

-Vizi, operating the Superfly-1's turret-cannon, manages to hit one of the Valkyrie Fighters, causing it to retreat. Then he hits another making it slam into the third.
"Stop it, Vizi! You're giving me false hope we'll survive this!"
"Hope is my middle name!"
"Really? What's your last name?"
"Yeah.. Vizi 'hope'...what?"
"Fuck you guys! I don't have a last name. I hope to get one someday."

-"use the force, Vizi!"
"Huh? Roman?! What the fuck are you doing sneaking up behind me and whispering into my ear?!"
"I said 'use more force'! Your attenuator is only on 'Low'!"
"Ohhh... ok."

-The Valkyrie ships are now close enough that the PCs can see through their cockpit-windows.
"The Valkyries are being piloted by real Valkyries, you guys!"
"Well, hot babes, anyways."


-"Are you sure they're not going to spot us hidden behind this asteroid? Should we shut off all power or something?"
"Nah, this is an Energy-Saver ship. When it's idle it can't be detected."
"Blitzkrieg believes in saving the environment."

-While Roman is repairing the damage to the ship with Space-Bear, Mu gets Blitzkrieg to search the Interwebs for 'Roman Beckett'. They find that there's tons of hits, maybe too many, but all of them are only from the last two years. It's like Roman didn't exist before that.

-"Hey what are you guys doing up here?"
"Nothing, Roman! Totally not looking up stuff about someone on the Interwebs!"

-That night, Mu levels up, to level 3.
"Yes! Now my Will save is +0!"

-Sami and Heidi were both knocked out in the firefight with the Valkyries and they're still unconscious the next day (their players didn't come).
"I think they've slipped into a coma. Should we do something?"
"They'll be fine."

-The Superfly-1 finally arrives on Gebo. They expected to find the Sezrekhan-zombie Bill the Elf there, but he's gone. There's also evidence that Jal'udin's men were here. Vizi has a psychic vision of Jal'udin on the asteroid, kidnapping Bill (alive) and being unable to decipher the secret of the monolith. But he was planning to go find the answer back on Lol.

-"Wait.. Bill the Elf has a snake-head?"
"And he wears flip-flops."
"Man, I have got to meet this motherfucker!"

-Roman warns Vizi that he shouldn't try to use his psychic powers to 'read the monolith', but the rest of the party believes he's using reverse-psychology on him.

-"Look, just do it or don't do it."
"There is no try."

-Vizi tries to psychically sense the monolith, but he only ends up seeing a vision of Bill the Elf murdering Fluffy the Cat and his minder.

-"So Bill didn't betray us after all?"
"He was betraying fluffy?"
"One thing's for sure, he was betraying someone!"
"Maybe more."

-"So Jaludin is trying to figure out the answer to the monolith riddle. What do we do?"
"We could go to the library of Barth."
"Who the fuck picks these names?"

-The plan is either to go to the library of Barth, which is another huge orbital library but on general-subjects, or to go back and infiltrate Lol and steal the brain of Zuman from Lol's mausoleum.

-"I know! We could flood the city with snakes!"
"That won't help!"
"How about cats?"

-"Is Ekim's brain in the mausoleum?"
"Ok, because I would like to file a complaint."

-They decide to go to Lol. On the way Roman admits he's pretty sure Mu will be recognized and captured, so the other PCs would be better off going separately from him.
"You should stay on the ship, Mu, if you have any brains."
"No, I'm going to take the risks."
"Suit yourself."
"Wait.. was that reverse psychology again? Are you planning to have me go to cause a distraction?"

-"Me and Blitkrieg will stay behind here on the ship. And we'll rescue you if.. bwah hahaha.. oh man, I'm sorry, I just can't keep saying that with a straight face."

-"Ok, so we're going in two different paths"
 "You're team Monkey and we're team Snakes!"
"Yeah, me going around with a monkey-wizard familiar definitely isn't going to make me stand out..."

-The Superfly-1 lands in the Lol spaceport. The area is crawling with black-armored High Council guards, and there's propaganda posters everywhere, with slogans like 'Peace Has Returned' or 'Report Sezrekhan Zombies to Your Local Extermination Squad'.

-They get interviewed by the Port Authority.
"Are you a wizard?"
"Do you cast spells?"
"No, I smoke herbs and have visions."
"Oh. I'll just put you down as 'hippie'.  And your profession, sir?"
"Ok, make that 'two hippies'."


-"Are you now or have you ever been part of a revolutionary organization?"
"No. Well, he's a vegan."
"I said revolutionary, not stupid."

-When Vizi and the Vegan wizard get up onto the streets of Lol, they see some kind of a rally going on. Apparently sanctioned or at least unmolested by the police forces, the marchers are carrying placards saying 'expel interplanar degenerates', 'down with the Greys', and 'make Lol great again'.

-Mu, meanwhile, has snuck in with invisibility, and then flies over straight to the mausoleum. He's recognized by the mausoleum keeper but goes invisible again, gets past the guards, and managed to get to Zuman's brain.  Zuman explains his code.
"The numbers on the monolith... they are a library code. Find the book it corresponds to, and you will have your password!"
"...why don't you just tell me what it is?"
"...fine. It's 'The Dark Gate'. You're no fun!"

-As he's leaving the mausoleum, still invisible, Mu sees Vizi and the Vegan. But instead of telling them he's already succeeded in the mission, he can't be arsed and just leaves them there.

-In any case, Vizi and the Vegan weren't heading to the mausoleum. One-upping Mu in sheer crappiness, they decide to ignore the mission completely and head over to the market.
"What's the best jet-pack you've got?"
"That would be the Huntsman. It costs 1500 credits."
"Oh. Ok, how about the cheapest jetpack you've got?"
"These ones in the pile were made in a Kekistani sweatshop. They cost 600 credits. No warranty."
" you have anything in the middle?"
"We have the Flightmaster, it's decent, for 750 credits. Or the Lady Flightmaster, for 790."
"What's the difference between the two?"
"The Lady Flightmaster is pink."
"I'll take the Lady Flightmaster, please!"

-Vizi and the Vegan buy comms, jet packs, particle belts and take a bunch of selfies. Roman contacts them and tells them to get back to the ship.

-At the fair, there's an anti-Archemaster protest. The black guard come in.
"Ok, beat the shit out of anyone who's identity scan registers their profession as 'hippie'!"
"oh, shit!"

-Meanwhile, Mu has gotten back to the spaceship, but since he'd been spotted at the mausoleum, he's most wanted, and the port authority are searching everything.
"What do I do?"
"Quick man, hide here in this secret smuggler's compartment!"
"Wait, I'm getting in there too."
"There's not enough room for both of us, Roman!"
"Tough, get ready to snuggle up, Mu."

-"What do we do, Vizi?"
"Let's just pretend we're dumb tourists"
"I have a problem with you saying that's just pretending."

-Mu and Roman are discovered by the port authority guards. Roman blows one's brains out; Mu blasts another two with magic missiles.

-Vizi and the Vegan mutant make it down to the ship in the middle of the fight with the guards. The vegan wizard takes a swing at a guard with his sword.
"Hah! The Vegan wizard fights like Publio used to!"

-Blitzkrieg Sakomano joins the shooting.
"All you black-helmet motherfuckers get the fuck off my ship!"

-One of Jal'udin's assassins is also at the spaceport, and starts a lightsaber duel with Vizi!


-Rather than risk the lightsaber fight, though, Vizi decides to just psychically dominate the assassin.

-The Superfly-1 takes off, escaping Lol, taking the assassin with them.

-Vizi tries to get the assassin high on medicinal herbs to have him talk; but his training is just too good. So Roman decides to brain-fry the Assassin to find out what he knows. This confirms what they all suspected: Jal'udin and the Archemaster are allies.
Vizi decapitates the assassin.

-They get back to Gebo. Mu circles the monolith and speaks the words, and the monolith opens a dark gateway.

-"Remember, the demon Rataxos is in there. He'll try to convince you to let him free. Don't let him!"
"But maybe he'd be a good patron?"

-The Vegan Wizard conjures some snakes.
"Why did you do that?"
"They're pre-emptive snakes."

-Sakomano and Space-Bear stay behind on the superfly-1, taking care of Mongo (who is too valuable to be risked), while the rest of the party enters the monolith.

-They find themselves in total darkness. The Vegan wizard casts 'detect magic' and sees that they're in a corridor, and several horrific photo-negative giant centipedes are heading their way!

-In the fight the Vegan Wizard keeps spellburning 1 point at a time to recover his Animal Summoning spell, and keeps losing it.
"I don't get you. You burned like 10 points to murder the shopkeeper back on Fuck Station Aleph, but here we're fighting for our lives against extraplanar monsters and you're pussyfooting it."
"She was a greater danger to me than these bugs."

-Just as they're getting into trouble, a magic missile comes from the darkness and blasts one of the bugs!

-The Vegan Wizard finally manages to summon a giant porcupine, which quills the living fuck out of the last of the demonic bugs.

-"So, can I ride around on my giant porcupine?"
"What the hell is wrong with you?"

-"Come to think of it, how the hell do porcupines make love?"
"Very carefully."


-The PCs finally see who helped them in the fight, as out of the darkness comes... the Hippomagus!

-"Do you have the sunstaff?"
"It is in the hands of the demon rataxos! If we want it, we will have to work together to have any chance of defeating him."
"Oh, shit."

That's it for this session. Will the PCs be able to get the sunstaff at long last?
Find out in our next session!


Currently Smoking: Lorenzetti Egg + Gawith's Navy Flake

(October 6, 2017)
Title: DCC Campaign Log
Post by: RPGPundit on November 01, 2018, 04:26:29 PM
DCC Campaign Update: OK, so Nobody Fart Then!

So, in our last session, the PCs had just gotten out of the city of Lol, after finding out the secret to how to open the monolith on Gebo. They went to that asteroid, opened the gate, and entered a dark labyrinth where they had to fight some horrific negative-energy bugs. During the fight, they were assisted by the Hippomagus!


-"Fuck Sami's player's lifestyle choices. Why the fuck would anyone rather have explosive diarrhea than play our DCC game?"
"Yeah, especially since the experience is largely the same."


-"Who are you?"
"I'm the Hippomagus!"
"Oh yeah! We're here to find you!"
"No we aren't."
"We're here to get the Sunstaff."
"Oh! Right. That was like 5 quests ago, so I got confused."


-"We'll have to trick Rataxos to get the Sunstaff."
"How do we trick a daemon?"
"Very carefully."

-"Can you light your staff?"
"Yes, but you'll see that the light here is diminished in intensity because of the intense darkness of this demiplane."
"Ok, so nobody fart then!"

-"While you were missing, the Archemaster took over the high council of wizards."
"Also, most of the council is dead."
"Yeah, way to bury the lead, Mu."

-"Who are you?"
"My name's Roman."
"That's a coincidence. I had an uncle named Roman."

-"Why did you come here, Hippomagus?"
"Like you, for the sunstaff."
"Why did you want the sunstaff?"
"For the prestige."
"But now we need it, to save the world from Sezrekhan."
"Obviously, yes."
"You can get it back after we're done with it. After all, we don't have any wizards in our party."

-More bugs attack! Specifically, a couple of them jump Mu and the Hippomagus!
"We have to help the Hippomagus!"
"Sorry, he's a valuable member of the party."
"Yeah, he's the only wizard we have."

-The Hippomagus and Vizi are hit by black gunk that the bugs spew from their rear ends, which makes them start to suffocate. Both manage to survive by sheer luck.
"Vizi, due to your brain being starved of air you lose.. 1 permanent point of strength."
"Maybe muscle memory loss?"
"Oh, ok."

-Mu manages to destroy one with spellburn-enhanced magic-missile casting, but he's stuck being unable to say anything but "Mu" for the rest of the day.

-They eventually get to the heart of the labyrinth, where they find a gateway with runes. Mu tries to read the runes, but fails.
"Even if he'd succeeded what good would it do? He can only say 'mu'!"

-Many stupid ideas are exchanged as to how to try to get the Sunstaff from Rataxos.
"I had hoped our combined power would allow us to destroy him by working together; but after our performance against those bugs I no longer think that's likely."

-Mu plays a whole game of charades to try to explain his plan, where the party will pretend that the hippomagus and the monkey are part of the same grand order of animal-themed wizards.
"How does that help?!"
"That was a whole lot of effort for fuck-all, dude."

-"I've got a bad feeling about this..."


-Mu decides to enter on a hover board.
"Maybe that will make me look cool"
"We're not trying to look cool! And no, it doesn't."

-"We're trying to look bad-ass. I'm going to hold my pistol side-ways, that will look bad ass"
"No it doesn't."

-They try to make the Hippomagus look bad-ass by rolling up his sleeves, but he only looks awkward and dorkish.
"Maybe if you unbuttoned your robes?"
"My robe doesn't have buttons. It's more of a mu-mu."


-"None of you look bad-ass! You just look varying degrees of retarded!"

-Giving up on trying to look evil, cool or bad-ass, they just go inside. All except Roman, who says he'll stay out of the gate to keep watch.
They encounter Rataxos, a swat hideous pretty classic-looking Demon, holding the Sunstaff in his claws.  They try to convince him that they're out to destroy Sezrekhan. Heidi manages to convince Rataxos that Sezrekhan has tried to keep Rataxos trapped, because Rataxos has the sunstaff, which may be the only way of getting to him at the Crown of Creation. Incredibly, they get him to give them the Sunstaff. But Rataxos places a Geas on Heidi, that once Sezrekhan is stopped, Heidi will be obliged to come and free Rataxos. Rataxos also geases Mu's monkey, mistaking the monkey for the wizard and Mu for the mere familiar.

-They get out of the chamber and back in the labyrinth, where Roman is surprised to see them.
"Holy shit, you're alive! Er, I mean, good job!"

-There's another bug attack on their way out. After several mishaps, the Hippomagus kills one with a powerful Force Manipulation blast.
"He used the force!"

-There's another enc