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Author Topic: DCC Campaign Log  (Read 33583 times)


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DCC Campaign Log
« Reply #90 on: February 06, 2018, 02:31:26 AM »
DCC Campaign Update: Only Morris Literally Soils Himself

In our last session, the stalwart PCs were just about to start making their way down from Tijuana, into the depths of the massive canyon known as "the Sphincter".


-The PCs start to try to climb down the canyon side.
"Now that I think about it, we should have brought some rope or something."
"No, you guys I think it's fine--yaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!"

-Muu and Heidi, whose players couldn't come this day, slip and fall into the depths of the canyon. A large number of screams are heard as they fall against the canyon slope, followed by the sound of some kind of explosion, and then silence.

-"Morris, throw a rock down there."
They hear a lot of clanging noises, and some cthulu-type inhuman warbling, and then more clanging.
"...throw another one!"

-"Hey wait, I do have a rope!"
"Huh. So do I! And it's a rope of climbing."
"I guess Muu and Heidi died for nothing."

-"What does this green poison I have do?"
"Well, you are a thief, so you could use your poison skill to identify it."
"Nah, it's alright, I'm good."

-At this point Bill remembers that besides his Rope of Climbing, he also has the Levitation spell. He gives Morris the Rope of Climbing, and starts to levitate his way down.

-After their initial descent, Bill suggests that he make a larger platform of levitation, and for Morris to come with him. But it turns out that Morris is scared of levitating.
"what the hell, are you Mr.T now?"

-"Can I save myself with the rope of climbing if you break concentration and fall to your doom?"
"Yeah, I guess."
"Ok, I'm in."

-When they just start heading down, they run into Yarr and Bazooka Arnok, lying on an outcropping, half-starved and semi-conscious. Apparently they'd reached the Sphincter on their own, met each other at the fenced area around it, and crossed over, only to fall a considerable distance and end up trapped.
"You guys are lucky we came along!"
"Actually we were fine until some asshole started throwing rocks down the canyon."

-"Do you have any food?"
"I have this bag of mushrooms..."

-"As you proceed downward, it gets darker and darker"
"...much like this whole campaign!"

-They get to the bottom of the Sphincter, where they see there is this great crystal shard, placed as if to seal the hole where the dark ones came out of. Just as they are approaching, the earth shifts as a massive 30ft Shoggoth emerges and rushes toward the party, shouting an alien roar.  Everyone in the party except Bill fail their saving throw and are scared shitless, possibly literally.

-"Wait, Yarr and Arnok haven't eaten anything in two days."
"Ok, so only Morris literally soils himself."

-Bill casts Control Fire, and his mercurial effect is activated! A rift into the Void Beyond appears and this terrifying raggedy-man entity comes through, some kind of dark Elder God.
"Why hast thou summoned me?"
"It was just a mercurial effect!"

-"What dost thou wish?"
"Revenge against Nikos!"
"I can grant thee this, at a price."
"what price?"
"The souls of your 3 companions."
"...could it be just one?"

-Just as the Shoggoth is breaking past Bill's sequester and the Elder God is threatening to eat souls, Arnok overcomes his magical Fear.
"I jump at the fucking Shoggoth with all my atomic missiles!"

-Arnok does 303 points of damage to himself and the Shoggoth; Arnok is utterly disintegrated, the Shoggoth is destroyed, the Elder God is dispersed, and everyone else in the party is potentially dead.

-As it happens, everyone except Arnok survives their Luck check.
"Goddamn it, seriously? I didn't take even one of them with me??"

-Their survival does come at a cost, however. They each get mutations and now have 40 kinds of cancer.

-"Yarr now has huge eyes."
"So, like an anime character? Cool."

-"Bill is permanently weakened, he only heals half as fast from now on."
"Only in this body though, right?"

-"Morris' hair now has a life of its own and wiggles around like worms."
"I'm even creepier now!"

-"Arnok died as he lived... blowing stuff up!"

-The survivors get to the crystal shard, and find it has an entrance. Inside they find a kind of waiting room (complete with bossa nova muzak playing in the background, and a snack dispenser giving out bags of peanuts). There's also four guys in there. Three of them are clearly 0-level newbies to replace Arnok. The fourth is a guy with multicolored wavy skin who looks like a wizard.

-"Hello my friends. My name is Rainbow Deva. I am a mighty wizard!

-"I hope you are not here to try to kill us, and also perhaps that you know how to use the machine here to get us to the city of the Wizard Council!"

-The three newbs are a human corn farmer (with a pet cow), a yellow-mutant boat-arsonist with extremely low INT, and a human blacksmith.
"Why the hell do I always get at least one 0-level dude with an animal?"

-"We have no clerics in our party. None of them wished to come along with us for some reason."

-Morris uses his skill in reading languages to figure out the controls of the Crystal Shard. Apparently, they are written in Techno-Walrus.
"Techno Walrus?"
"Yeah, we met them before you joined the campaign, on Mt.Parnassus."
"What the hell are they?"
"There's two things you have to know about Techno-walruses..."

-The controls manage a kind of transmat beam.  The party activates it and they find themselves in ethereal form, being flown up into the sky, higher than they'd ever been before, beyond the atmospheric cover, into vacuum, toward the highest of the floating islands.

-The PCs arrive at one of the larger asteroids, featuring an astounding domed city with a strange mix of architecture, and a kind of space-port built into the rock. It has a variety of high-tech flying ships, magical flying galleons, and strange creatures that look like Ki-Rin with butterfly wings that seem to be used as mounts. They have arrived in the great sky-city of Lol, home of the Lolri (the Techno-walruses) and also the headquarters of the High Council of Wizards.

-in the spaceport, they meet an apprentice wizard named Beson, who will serve as their guide in the city.

-As they head up to the domed city they notice some strange robots; they look oddly-shaped. Beson explains that they have been in the city since even before the Techno-Walruses (the city was apparently originally built by the ancient), and that they are called the Guardians, and enforce the very strict laws in the city.

-After quickly checking in at the hotel-esque Guest Tower, and having some time before Bill and Rainbow Deva will be presented to the Council, they quickly decide to head toward the market.

-"the corn farmer wants to try to trade his cow for some magic beans. I've heard that's a thing."

-Yar tries to buy the cow with some of the peanuts the snack dispensers from the shard transmat were giving out.
"They might be magic peanuts!"

-Bill, Yarr and Morris' next stop is the clinic and being immersed in full healing tanks to help them recover from their injuries incurred trying to reach the city of Lol.

-the others go into the markets. They learn along the way that the Guardian robots don't kill you if you commit a crime, they encapsulate you into a crystal sphere. Those spheres are then auctioned off, either to family members or friends, enemies or victims, or just real weirdos.

-At the market, the farmer is disappointed to learn that there's been a general shortage of magic beans since the death of the great wizard Frijole.
He settles for selling his cow for 45gp.

-Rainbow Deva is a sucker for cheap tourist souvenirs. He got himself a baseball cap that says "Lol".  He paid an obscene amount of money for it, and later discovers the label on it saying "made in the bharata kingdoms", where he's from.

-When the others are healed up and they all meet back at the Guest Tower, they are impressed by the luxuriant conditions. Also, Morris calls room service repeatedly, once he finds out the Council is paying for everything.
"I want more cakes... oh, and some conditioner for my hair."

-"Tomorrow I want to check out this slave market of yours."
"They have slaves here? Awesome!"
"Wee do not have slaves. Wee have indentured convicts."
"Indentured? So like servants but you don't pay them."
"Hey, that's like us!"

-Bill and Morris both purchase indentured convict crystal-balls. In Bill's case, he outbid someone trying to beat him at it, and agrees to sell it to them for 100gp more than he paid, in a few hours when they get the money.

-The really stupid ship-arsonist is wandering around the market, having separated from all the others, trying to buy a boat.

-Yarr buys some huge novelty-sunglasses.

-Morris takes a few gems he had to a jeweler to sell, to his surprise what he's got is worth 27000gp!

-"You could buy a ship with that kind of money!"
"Yes, but the arsonist would just burn it."

-the money being too much to easily carry around, he gets himself a Credit Card (they have those here).  Then he goes to the market, buys a pulse rifle, and the most expensive purple Pimp Outfit he can find.

-"Hey everyone, why are you looking at me like that? Are you jealous of my wealth?"
"No, you look weird."

-"Morris is not taking his newfound wealth with quiet dignity, is he?"
"He's nouveau riche!"

-The farmer tells the other PCs the truth: that Rainbow Deva is actually just an apprentice to the real wizard who got the invitation from the Council.  When they got to the Sphincter, the Shoggoth destroyed their master while Deva and the three newbs hid inside the shard.
"well don't tell Beson.. you'll queer the deal!"
"Yes, you must not reveal my secret or you will pay sir... in rainbows!"
"Don't question the mighty power of the rainbow sir!!"

-The High Council meets. The wizards of the High Council are a mix of super-powered freaks.  Their leader is Belmunster, the super-archetypal Gandalf/Elminster/Merlin style old-dude with long grey hair pointy hat and a pipe. But there's also a frogman wizard, a fat kitty-wizard named Fluffy, a grey-realm alien wizard, a cyclops wizard, a hippie witch named Princess Fairywinkle, and more.

-There's also Sir John De La Pole, the mysterious wizard who Bill had been told was in possession of his Primo Staff.  It turns out, John De La Pole is a magic staff himself, who has attained consciousness somehow.
"How did we not see that one coming?"

-There's apparently also a wizard called the Hippomagus, that everyone was excited to get to see, but he's not there. It seems the Hippomagus has gone missing.

-The PCs are also surprised to see a Robot Wizard named "Bolt-1".
"WHAT?? Hey are you related to Bolt-0??"
"Wow. Bolt-0 has a son. And he's got daddy issues!"

-Among the crowd, the PCs also spot The Archemaster! It turns out he has come here to complain about Bill.
"It's ok, he can't do anything to us. This is neutral ground. Right?"

-While others petition for membership, the process for becoming part of the High Council of Wizards is explained: you need two council wizards to sponsor you, and you must defeat a third in a presumably non-fatal magical duel. They also abhor diabolism (having a Daemon patron), are forbidden to kill another wizard or apprentice of the council, and when you die, the council gets all your stuff. In exchange for this, you get your own tower, access to the biggest magical library in the world, apprentices and guards, contact with the spirits of dead former council-wizards, and the right to act all stuck up about how awesome you supposedly are.

-As soon as Bill steps on the petitioner's circle for his turn, the circle lights up and traps him magically!
"We all saw that one coming, right?"

-"Bill the Elf! You are a diabolist agent of Sezrekhan!"
"He's not really a bad guy..."

-"Sezrekhan schemes to take control of G.O.D.!"
"That's not my fault though. Well, I mean I did give him the Libram of the Ten Spheres, which let him do that.."

-"What have you done with the Hippomagus??"
"Hey! I seriously had nothing to do with that one!"

-The Archemaster is pleased, but knows Bill's talent for trickery.
"Be careful! He's less stupid than he looks!"
"It would be impossible for him to be more stupid than he looks."
"Hey! NOTHING is impossible for Bill the Elf!"

-"Send him to the Infinity Pit!"
"Wait! I did a lot of good! I tried to save Arkhome. I freed the Ribond. I fought the assassin king and the egg beyond. I slaughtered the eco ogres! I stopped G.O.D.! I genocided the cyber dragons! I freed the Eye Tyrants!"
"Half of those things are bad, or turned out terrible!"

-The other PCs aren't helping.
"Probe him!"
"I do not know this man."

-Without Bill, the other PCs are going to be left homeless, unless Rainbow Deva vouches for them all as his servants.
"Of course I can help you my good friends! Now, Morris, I understand that you have come into a little bit of money..."

-"You know, Yarr, you could just kill Rainbow Deva..."
"No I can't! He's a mighty wizard!"
"Seriously? His only offensive spell is Color Spray!"

-"I think I'm going to get a manicure while I'm here..."
"What the hell is wrong with you people? Your friend is facing a death sentence probably for diabolism!"
"..what friend?"

-Morris keeps taunting Rainbow Deva about being a shitty wizard until he becomes enraged, and color-sprays Morris in the middle of the street, knocking him flat unconscious!
Unfortunately his victory is short-lived, when the Guardian robots arrive in response to this violation of Lol's laws.

-Morris and Deva are both encapsulated, their judicial auction will be tomorrow. Now, being all out of wizards, the rest of the party really are homeless, down and out on the weird streets of Lol.

-They quickly split up. Yarr goes out looking for princess Fairywinkle, hoping to befriend her. And by 'befriend' I mean manipulate her like he's managed to manipulate several other slightly ditzy characters of high birth so far.

-"You have a pathological need to ingratiate yourself to ingratiate yourself to royalty, don't you?"

-She intercepts Princess Fairywinkle on the streets of Lol, being carried on a litter by four bare-chested hunks.
"Hi! Do you know if there's anywhere around here I could get a non-gluten peanut-free vegan smoothie?"
"...Get in."

-"The guy I came with killed someone, but he abused nature, and that was awful!"
"Tsk. Intolerant people have to die for the environment!  I mean, there are billions and billions of people in the world.. and that's a problem!"

-Yarr gets an invite to stay with Princess Fairwinkle at her giant Tree-Tower.
"I don't know where you guys will be spending the night, but I'm sleeping in a magic tree."
"Yeah, but you had to act like a fucking sociopath to do it."
"Yarr's a halfling. It's not an act."

-Bill finds himself in the darkness of the Infinity Pit. To his surprise, he is not alone there. Pertinax, the wizard who had cursed Bill to be routinely attacked by Minotaurs, is there too.
"Oh yeah. Pertinax got his own invitation to the council, it's true."

-"So they got you too."
"Yeah. Apparently they don't approve of my serving the Lord of Blood and Fire, or sending minotaurs over to you to be slaughtered."

-Bill has a plan! Teleportation doesn't work here, but he still has two garbage bags full of weed.
"So... you're plan is to get really high, and that will somehow summon a Shoggoth?"
"Not just any shoggoth, Bob Shoggoth! He's cool."

-Meanwhile, Yarr has been working on convincing Princess Fairywinkle that Bill is actually a 'victim' in all this, and that he could be turned toward good. She gets Fairywinkle to agree to help her win over one other member of the council (probably Cylor the Cyclops-Wizard), and then the two will sponsor Bill for a place on the Council. Bellmunster is such a Neutral Freak when it comes to the club rules that he'll have no choice but to allow the challenge, at least, to take place. This is the plan, anyways.

-The Yellow Mutant boat-arsonist, having not been with the others when they became street people, went back to the Guest Tower. Having been confused at being denied entrance to the room, and too stupid to understand what he was being told, he just hung around, hiding from staff in the servant corridors.  There, he runs into Jal'udin!

-Not realizing the Yellow Mutant is mentally disabled, Jal'udin talks to him and gets the impression that Bill had gotten his previous messages (Bill mostly did not) and agrees with his plan (Bill does not). Jal'udin tells the boat-arsonist to tell Bill that he's going to keep his part of the bargain, and steal Bill's Phylactery in exchange for Bill betraying Sezrekhan and enlisting the Wizard Council's help.

-"You realize Bill's never getting this message right?"

And that's where we leave off for this week.  Bill and Pertinax are going try to toke their way to freedom (if they can manage to summon Bob Shoggoth), Yarr is going to try to use the technicalities of the Wizard Council to free Bill, Jal'udin incorrectly believes that the PCs are ready to play a crucial part in his plan to stop Sezrekhan, and Morris is just going to keep on pimping.

It seems utterly certain that everything is set up to go horribly wrong. But the really interesting part is going to be to find out just how.


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DCC Campaign Log
« Reply #91 on: February 20, 2018, 12:18:54 AM »
DCC Campaign Update: Let's Go Assault a Child

We left off with the party massively split-up, mostly in the city of Lol (though a couple of PCs were still down in "the Sphincter" and presumed dead).  Bill the Elf was imprisoned by the High Council of Wizards in a place called the Infinity Pit.  Yarr the halfling had ingratiated herself to one of the council members, Princess Fairywinkle, in an attempt to negotiate Bill's freedom. Morris had ended up 'encapsulated' for fighting in the public thoroughfare with Rainbow Deva. The yellow mutant boat-arsonist had received an important message from Jal'udin the rogue, and was absolutely sure not to deliver it.


-"I don't want to play Muu anymore. I want to roll up some new characters."
10 minutes later, Muu's player has generated a blob-man, a furry space insect, and a techno walrus.
"I just wanted to play someone normal!"
"He wants to play what he's not."

-"Dude, you know how many players would love to play any of those characters?"
"fuck it, I'm playing Teal the mud-mutant warrior from my last batch."
"Thank you for wasting all our time."

-"Your mental-defective boat-arsonist is sleeping in a closet."
"Hey! He's not a mental-defective. He's Handi-capable!"

-"Notice how everyone associated with Sezrekhan is terrible at who they actually choose to trust with important things?"
"That's because Sezrekhan is the Ayn Rand of Daemons."

-"What's going to happen to Bill? I wouldn't really care, but he's sort of my ride..."

-Heidi and Teal both regain consciousness at the bottom of the Sphincter. They both survived their last plummet into the depths as they tried climbing down the canyon because their fall was broken by a large mass of rotting radioactive sludge.
"You know what this is from, right?"
"Feels like it's from a dead shoggoth who was blown to bits with dozens of atomic mini-missiles."

-"so Arnok actually saved FIVE PCs now?! That was so not the plan!"

-Teal enters the crystal shard and transmats to Lol. There's a nerdy intern waiting at the transmat platform on that end.
"Are you a wizard??"
"Um.. yes. I'm the knife wizard!"
"You're not on the list!"
"...can I see the list?"
"I'm...this guy!"
"You're Raistlin?"

-Seconds later the intern starts to see through Teals pathetic ruse, and Teal runs for it, rushing into the flying Space-Kirin's corral and hiding in a storage room.

-Heidi beams up to Lol as well.
"Hello. Have you seen a mud-mutant around here?"
"The 'Knife Wizard'? He's not a real wizard you know! He lied to me! I put my trust in him!"

-Meanwhile, Teal is quickly found by the Guardian Robots.
"I stab one with my knife!"
"The knife breaks."

-Bill and Pertinax are in the Infinity Pit, getting high as all fuck to try to contact Bob Shoggoth. Actually, Pertinax didn't want to smoke any, but second hand smoke ruined his efforts to avoid having anything to do with Bill's crazy plan. Soon, they're both stoned out of their gourds, talking about cheese.

-"Man, I've lost all respect for Pertinax now. He used to have some dignity!"
"Yeah, until he met Bill!"
"He has that effect on people."

-Bill contacts Bob Shoggoth, and just for shits and giggles has Bob show Pertinax his true visage. Pertinax starts screaming hysterically, having lost all his Sanity Points from the encounter with a Thing Man Was Not Meant To Know.

-Bob Shoggoth is leaving all of creation, because of Sezrekhan. After totally disbelieving everyone who had warned him Sezrekhan was going to fuck everything up, from his fellow PCs, to important NPCs, to the High Council, Bill instantly believes in the danger when a rastafarian shoggoth tells him so.

-Also, Bill forgets to ask Bob Shoggoth to rescue him from the Infinity Pit.
"I forgot. Things kind of went another way and I got distracted..."
"It's because he got high!"

-So Bill is still stuck in the Infinity Pit with Pertinax, who won't stop screaming and has started to bleed out of his eyes from the Lovecraftian horror.
"..this is fine."

-The blacksmith and the farmer had found a cheap inn to stay the night, and the Blacksmith goes to de-encapsulate the prisoner he'd bought at the auction earlier that day. His new indentured servant turns out to be a seemingly ditzy prostitute named Myla.

-lost in the city of Lol, trying to find absolutely any of his team-mates, Heidi (who keeps insisting his name is pronounced 'haadee') runs into a crazy madman that's screaming about how "All is Sezrekhan!!". Some of the pepperpot-shaped Guardian Robots show up and encapsulate him.

-He then runs into a whole group of people, really creepy people who are also chanting in unison that "all is Sezrekhan". They are stalking toward him trying to grab him.
"hey, look over there, it's Sezrekhan!"
"They turn to look"
"I wasn't sure that would work. I run like hell!"

-He runs into another alley where he sees a couple engaged in man-blob sexual intercourse.
"I back away slowly."

-The blacksmith and the farmer desperately  need money, in order to buy Morris' capsule at the auction tomorrow.  Myla tells them she can get them some money.
"Ok, just don't tell me where you're going to get it from..."

-Heidi runs into a weird guy who apparently mistakes him for someone else. He tries to use a secret code with him.
"The crow flies at midnight..."
"I guess so?"
"oh. Sorry, nevermind!"
"Hey, wait!! You don't know where Bill the Elf is, do you? I came with him.."
"You're with Bill the Elf?? Come with me."

-The guy leads Heidi into a hovel where there's several shady looking characters. He has found The Resistance!
Their leader is a tough smart blonde woman in a tight dress.
"Wait.. is that Myla the prostitute? The one that was with the other guys?

-"Had Bill come here to destroy the Council?"
"He wasn't very clear... he said something about joining them, or destroying them... I think Bill might be dyslexic."

-"So Bill is in the Infinity Pit... what about Morris?"
"He's been Encapsulated."
"Somehow that doesn't surprise me."

-"The council has been subverted by one or more diabolists. Those wizards who aren't corrupted are too decadent to do anything. Bill is our only hope!"
"Oh man, you're so fucked."

-"He isn't our only hope... there is another."

-Meanwhile, the next morning Yarr goes with Princess Fairywinkle to meet Cylor the Cyclops Wizard, who they hope to convince to join Fairywinkle in sponsoring Bill to go through the test of membership in the High Council, which would get him out of the Infinity Pit on a technicality.

-"You know how I found that book of zoology last night in Fairywinkle's bookshelf and spent most of the night reading through it?"
"Well, you told me that Cylor is an obsessive collector of rare birds?"
"Yes, now that you're here you see that as well as attractive young male and and female slaves, he has many gilded cages with fancy birds, plus magnificent giant cats, and a menagerie full of monsters. He's quite the collector."
"Good. So I use everything I read to talk with him about some of the animals I recognize and flatter him about his collection."
"...damn, you're good."

-As Yarr enters Cylor's tower she notes a great statue given to him in gratitude from the people of Minotauria.
"Wait.. Minotauria??"

-Yarr succeeds in convincing Cylor. But she can also act as a witness to the fact that Bill couldn't have had anything to do with the disappearance of the Hippomagus, since he'd been in the Shithole for the past several weeks.
"If Bill was not the culprit, that means that someone on the council has betrayed us all! I'm fairly sure it's Zak the Grey Alien Wizard."
"Well, I think it's John De La Pole!"
"So why do each of you think that the person you named is the traitor?"
"Well... Zak thinks he's so cool..."
"And De La Pole is all stuck up."

-At this point everyone realizes the High Council of Wizards are much like a gang of high school students.

-"So now we are allies, eh, Fairwinkle? Well, Cylor has had worse allies!"
"And once we free Bill you'll have a worse ally again!"

-"I only hope we don't come to regret this."
"They're freeing Bill, of course they're going to regret it!"

-"Man, Cylor is like one of those guys from 'I Claudius'!"

-Meanwhile, Myla has agreed to help the blacksmith and the farmer purchase and decapsulate Morris. She takes them to a Frog-man loan shark. He demands the Farmer as collateral, and gives them a 2000gp loan in exchange for them paying him back 3400gp and 98sp.

-"you just sold out the farmer, and you guys call me the psycho!"

-Heidi ends up a prisoner of the Resistance. Myla brings the blacksmith there too, hoping to confirm that Heidi isn't a secret double-agent of the High Council. Unfortunately, the two had never met until just then.
"One or both of you could be spies."
"Probably him!"
"Who were you trying to free?"
"Really? You probably don't want to free him."
"Ok, I think Heidi's legit."

-"I think Bill broke Pertinax."

-With Pertinax a 0-San lovecraftian-horror-victim, Bill does the obvious and loots his cellmate. He finds a horn which turns out to be a Horn of Dutchmen!
"Yes, you have summoned us for a while.. isn't that weird?"

-He also finds a ring of weakness and puts it on, instantly dropping his Strength and Stamina to 3.
"Damn. Oh well, I chop off that finger."

-The auction begins, and the Blacksmith turns out to be outbid on his attempt to purchase Morris. He notes that the winner of Morris' capsule happens to be a frogman.  He realizes he might have made a mistake by mentioning that Morris had thousands of gold pieces on him.
He does manage to successfully bid on Rainbow Deva.

-Teal is being auctioned at the same event. He ends up being bought, and subsequently de-encapsulated, by a mercenary bounty-hunter named Malaprex the Violent.
"What do you do?"
"I mostly kill people!"
"Me too!"
"Great! Let's go drinking!"

-At the meeting of the High Council, Cylor and Fairywinkle manipulate the technical rules of the Council to get Bill released from the Infinity Pit. They're all stunned to see him horribly weakened and missing a finger.

-"What happened to you??"
"Well, first I contacted a Shoggoth.."
"He serves the Void!"
"I don't serve the Void! I just sometimes smoke weed with someone who came from it.."

-The Archemaster was supposed to be at that meeting of the council, to complete his re-application for membership. But he's conspicuously absent.  Meanwhile, Heidi discovers that the Archemaster has been recruited into the Resistance.
"Do you serve Bill, Heidi?"
"Not really."
"...good answer."

-"Should we really be trying to blow up the high council with an enormous bomb?! I mean, what about the Sezrekhan problem? Shouldn't we be trying to form a coalition?"
"Let me tell you about coalitions: when G.O.D. awoke, a grand coalition of the great and the good took place on Mt.Parnassus. You know what they did? NOTHING. They talked and talked all through the crisis."
"Well, we're here now!"
"So if it wasn't those guys, who stopped the crisis?"
"...that's not important."

-Myla and the blacksmith follow the frogman who bid on Morris to a ki-rin rental store that appears closed. The frogman knocks on the door and gives a secret password to enter.

-a young frogboy leaves the shop shortly thereafter, heading toward the Loan Shark's shop.
"We have to stop him!"
"OK, let's go assault a child."

-Meanwhile, Malaprex the Violent and Teal (the also violent) learn that Bill has been freed by the High Council.
"Bill's head would fetch us untold riches in any of a dozen kingdoms! You need to infiltrate Bill's group again and then betray him."

-Teal gets to Cylor's tower, where Bill is staying.
"Oh it's you."
"Yes, I'm here to help"
"Good. Well... um.. go find Morris!"
"Does he even know how to find Morris? Does he know this city? Do we even have any idea where Morris is?"
"He has resources!"
"He doesn't look like he has resources. He looks like an imbecile."
"Hey! I... don't know what that word means!"

-Teal immediately proves himself an imbecile by mentioning that he's been sent by Malaprex to betray Bill.

-After taking out the little frogboy, the Blacksmith and the resistance break into the Frogman shop and steal Morris' capsule. Then the Blacksmith and one of the resistance get to the Loan Shark's place before he's been alerted to anything, and pays off his loan, freeing the Farmer. They head to Decapsulate Morris, but on the way they get intercepted in an alley... by Jal'udin and his assassins!
"Have you contacted Bill?"
"Um.. yeah, sure."
"Did he get my message?"
"...tell him to meet me at the Dancing Harpy Saloon.  It is time we worked together to stop Sezrekhan."
"Weren't you allies once before?"
"Yes, long ago... then stuff happened."
"That sounds a bit sexual..."
"What?! No! I meant I killed him"
"Ohh.. that's much better."

-Before the blacksmith can get Morris de-encapsulated, the Resistance member who'd come with him suddenly goes nuts and starts shouting that "all is Sezrekhan". The Guardians come along and "ENCAPSULATE!" the guy.
"Shit, that's too bad. Well, I'll go de-encapsulate Morris"
"The resistance guy had Morris' capsule"
"Oh fuck."
"Wow, a capsule within a capsule, how does that work?"

-The blacksmith and the farmer decide to screw the resistance, and head to find Bill at Cylor's tower.
"Wow, you must save a lot of money on sunglasses..."

-Cylor has Teal act as bait to draw out Malaprex and then quickly subdues him with his Spider Web spell.
"So, Cylor can do whatever a spider can?"

-Heidi tries to convince Myla and the Resistance to let him go to Bill, promising them he'll recruit Bill for them.
"Do you really think you can get Bill to betray the council?"
"Bill can't stop betraying people! It's in his blood."

-Worried that the blacksmith betrayed them, Myla lets Heidi go.  She and the Resistance (including the Archemaster) will go to a new undisclosed location, and carry on with their plan to blow the council to bits.

-Finally, the boat-arsonist ended up wandering the streets of Lol utterly aimlessly. Eventually, he came across a troubling scene: BOLT-1 was meeting with several of the Guardian robots. He told them that the "Organics cannot be trusted to deal with the oncoming crisis", and that their 'plan' had to be accelerated.
"You must proceed on my signal, to cleanse the entire city of all organic life."

-Naturally, he did the only thing he could. He wandered off again and stole some eggs and a skillet from a nearby household. Literally, with his intelligence level it's the only thing he could do.

That's it for this session.  Not a lot got resolved, and instead, as usual, the PCs find themselves in a rising storm of oncoming shit about to hit multiple proverbial fans.

Will they be able to solve all the various problems, save Lol, the council, organic life, and the universe? Let's face it, probably not. But it'll be fun to see just how they fuck everything up! Stay tuned.


Currently Smoking: Moretti Rhodesian + Peterson's Old Dublin

(February 17, 2017)
LION & DRAGON: Medieval-Authentic OSR Roleplaying is available now! You only THINK you've played 'medieval fantasy' until you play L&D.

My Blog:
The most famous uruguayan gaming blog on the planet!

Check out my short OSR supplements series; The RPGPundit Presents!

Dark Albion: The Rose War! The OSR fantasy setting of the history that inspired Shakespeare and Martin alike.
Also available in Variant Cover form!
Also, now with the CULTS OF CHAOS cult-generation sourcebook

Arrows of Indra: The Old-School Epic Indian RPG!
NOW AVAILABLE: AoI in print form

The new Diceless RPG of multiversal power, adventure and intrigue, now available.


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DCC Campaign Log
« Reply #92 on: March 07, 2018, 03:53:19 AM »
DCC Campaign Archive: He's the One With the Sombrero

Our last adventure saw the group in the city of Lol, home of the techno-walruses, the High Council of Wizards, and the Guardian Robots (suspiciously familiar-looking pepperpot shaped robots).  One or more of the council may be diabolists, there's a 'resistance' out to blow up the whole council, the wizard-robot BOLT-1 has made an alliance with the Guardian Robots to Exterminate all organic life, and the Daemon Sezrekhan is slowly taking over all of reality. That's a lot of problems building up all at once.


-Heidi gets to the palace of Cylor the Cyclops wizard. Bill is sent down to identify him as a party member. When Bill comes down, he's wearing a toga like Cylor does, but not knowing how to put it on, it looks more like a diaper.

-"I was kidnapped by rebels."
"Hey, welcome to the club!"
"They want to destroy the council."
"Them too?"

-Heidi reveals that the Archemaster has teamed up with the Rebels, and they're somehow planning to get themselves a bomb.

-"So now we're all together again, except Yarr who's staying at Fairywinkle's, and the 'handicapable' guy".
"And Morris."
"Wait, Morris isn't the guy we mean by 'handicapable'?"

-"So... your plan is to think about a plan later?"

-Suddenly, someone notices Cylor's fountain, which was a gift 'from the grateful kingdom of Minotauria'.
"Wait.. Minotauria is real!!"

-the next day the group gets a note from Fairywinkle saying that Yarr the halfling is missing.

-"Dude, the Handicapable Mutant can take care of himself in Lol."
"YOU can't even take care of yourself in Lol! You got yourself encapsulated in 10 minutes!"
"Less than 10, actually..."

-"The Archemaster is with the rebels."
"Didn't you know, Cylor?"
"Shouldn't we help them?"
"They want to destroy the council.."
"I'm ON the council!"
"Ohh... sorry. Still, though..."
"Wait, Cylor's on the council?"

-"Bill is your leader, it's his job to give you things, not mine!"
"He doesn't have anything!"
"Hey, I do too!"
"Please, you're wearing a diaper!"

-"We should all go, so you stop annoying Cylor"
"We're not annoying him!"
"Yes, you are."

-"Why do you want to find the rebels?"
"Well, because I am one!"
"Um, I just want to mention I barely know these guys, Cylor..."

-Cylor lends Bill his most attractive catamite to act as a tour guide.
" do you and Cylor... um.."
"Wrestle? Oh yes, he's a mighty wrestler!"

-"You know, now that I'm with your new characters, I even miss Ack'basha!"

-Bill and the others get to the Dancing Harpy tavern, where Jal'udin is waiting to parley with him.
"Ok, you guys stay here while I go talk to him, alright?"
They all follow him.

-"There's a single empty chair in front of Jal'udin, he gestures for Bill to sit down"
"That's fine, the rest of us get empty chairs from other tables and bring them over!"

-"You are surrounded by imbeciles, Bill. I am not your worst problem right now."
"tell me about it."

-Bill and Jal'udin can't come to an agreement about how to handle the Sezrekhan issue.  Fundamentally, Bill doesn't trust Jal'udin; if Jal'udin steals Bill's phylactery, Bill fears he'll just destroy it. Heidi has a plan:
"What if half of us go with Jal'udin, to make sure he doesn't try anything?"
"Ah yes! That is a very good idea, my friend. Surely you will be able to stop me if I try anything!"
"Um.. is Jal'udin actually giggling, or is that just you?"
"No, it's not just me, Jal'udin can't help but giggle at your suggestion."
"I think we should just leave the phylactery where it is."

-"Maybe we can Encapsulate Sezrekhan with the Guardian Robot technology?"
"That would work!"
"I really do not think that would work."
"We could ask one of the Guardian Robots... there's probably one right outside, I noticed they were following me on the way over here."
"What?? This meeting is over!"

-After Jal'udin vanishes back into the shadows, Teal goes outside, and indeed there's a Guardian robot there. He goes up to talk to it.
"Sezrekhan is a danger to all of Lol"
"He's not in the city; he's in the Crown of Creation."
"Hey guys, we've got to go to a meeting with the supreme council of robot dudes.. guys? Where did you go? Aw, fuck you guys!"

-"Are you some kind of Mighty Wizard?"
"Well, define 'mighty'.  Also, define 'wizard'. Also, define 'kind'."

-Bill purchase 23 prisoner-capsules from a suspicious old woman on the street.
"What's your name, suspicious old woman?"
"Well that's even more suspicious now!"

-Bill gets to the library and sends Cylor's catamite to go decapsulate the 23 capsules while he starts researching Emirkol's Maelstrom.
"So you're going to free 23 criminals to join your cause?"
"How is that any different from my current party?"

-Meanwhile the farmer and the blacksmith went ahead to the Mausoleum
"Hi, can you take me to see Frijole the Wizard?"
"His statue is over there; he's the one with the sombrero."
"I should have figured."

-The Farmer and Blacksmith find out they can't access the brain-jars in the Mausoleum, because they aren't wizards.
"Just out of curiosity, do you have any secondary entries or exits?"
"Only the windows, I suppose."
"Oh I see. And do you know where I could buy rope?"

-Teal is led into the headquarters of the Guardian robots.
"So just wondering, do you guys have any weaknesses?"

-Teal tells them about Sezrekhan.

-Teal learns that Bolt-1 is allied with the Guardians. Bolt-1 shows up to ask him some questions:
"No, and I've already forgotten too!"

-At the library, Bill meets Grizlor the Archivist, who watches over the entry. He's a classic wizened sage with a long white beard.
"Is this 'heidi' your apprentice?"
"No, he's a... companion."
"I see, well, he may enter with you, but NO hanky-panky in the library aisles!"

-Entering into the restricted area of the grand library proper, Bill meets Grezlor the Librarian, who looks even more wizened and has an even longer white beard.
"Wait, aren't you the receptionist?"
"No, that's my grandson!"

-Teal is kept alive by the Guardian robots, for now. He's dumped into a cell with a really weird guy with crazy white hair and odd taste in clothing.
No, not that guy.
"So um, what's your name?"
"The Guardians once called me the Oncoming Storm."
"But what's your name?"
"I have many names."
"I'll stab you!!"
"You may call me... Roman. Roman Beckett"

-"I can modify your dagger to penetrate the Guardian Robots' Guardanium-Metal shells."
"That's an awful name."

-Roman has a sonic tool to open the door, because of course he does.

-There's a guardian robot right at the door!
"Stab it in the eyestalk my boy! That's its weak spot!"
"They lied to me!!!"

-As soon as Teal starts to engage with the Guardian Robot, Roman bravely runs away abandoning him.
"Oh, fuck you!!"

-Meanwhile, the Resistance is in open revolt on the streets!
The Farmer tells the rebels he's looking for Myla and will be found at Cylor's tower.
"Are you going to kill Cylor?"
"No, I'm with Bill."
"Is Bill in the revolution, comrade?"
"Bill's a revolution in himself."

-"Hey, those are the humans over there, we should try to avoid them seeing us!"
"Bill, you're in the body of a radioactive mutant. You literally glow. You're pretty hard to miss."

-Despite their best efforts to avoid them, Bill & Heidi meet up again with the human farmer and blacksmith. They all go together to the Mausoleum, where Bill helps the farmer commune with the brain of the deceased wizard Frijole. He reveals the location of the last possible surviving batch of his magic beans.

-The brain of the deceased Wizard Emirikol allows Bill to commune with him. "I like the cut of your jib, youngster. You're a source of mayhem."
"Apparently, Emirikol was the Bill the Elf of 1000 years ago."

-"You have but 1 question left."
"Wait, you said I could ask 3 questions, and I only asked 1 so far!"
"That's why they call me Emirkol the Chaotic."

-"So you want to get to the Crown of Creation; but you can't get the Libram of the Ten Spheres?"
"Nope, I gave it to Sezrekhan."
"Alright... do you perchance have an Ancient?"
"No. I had one, but I killed her in a magical rage."

-"You could go through the abyss."
"But everything that goes into the abyss is annihilated, it will tear apart the very fabric of your reality."
"So, sort of like living with Bill!"

-Suddenly, the PCs hear an explosion in the distance!
"That sounds as though it came from the direction of the tower of the High Council!"
"Wow, the Archemaster actually managed to find a bomb after all.."

-It turns out that the PC's carelessness with Cylor alerted him to the rebels' plans, and the High Council was waiting for the Archemaster. They defeated him easily and put him in the Infinity Pit. The bomb did no real damage, and they are now hunting down the rebel leaders.
The council is concerned about why the Guardian robots did not stop the mobs on the streets, however.

-"Bill, can we try to find Myla?"
"That woman is trouble."

-An apprentice gives Bill a message, inviting him to a private meeting in the high wizard Bellmunster's tower.
"Wow, we're getting to see all the towers! If we actually go to every one of them, I think we'll get a free t-shirt or something."

-Bellmunsters tower is full of weird stuff.
"This place reminds me of the Curiosity Shop."
"I can't tell if Bellmunster is a great collector of powerful magic objects, or just a hoarder."

-"...the tower smells of pipe tobacco and wizardry."
"So, like the Pundit's house?"

-"Bill, can your servants be trusted?"
"Eh, sure, why not?"
"We can be trusted about as much as Bill!"
"Trusted for what? Because if it's to leave you the fuck alone, then no."

-"I think Cylor is the diabolist, Bellmunster."
"How do you know this?"
"A street waif told me. And he seems too trustworthy."

-"Bill, is there anything you wish to tell me?"
"I wish my brother Ted hadn't died... oh, wait, you mean about our current situation?"

-Bill and Bellmunster discuss how they might be able to reach the Crown of Creation.
"What if we used the Ancient's body?"
"Possibly. Where is the Ancient's body?"
"She died in the Palace of the Presbyterian Church. Are they still around?"
"No, they were conquered by the Sky Nazis."
"Would the Sky Nazis possibly collaborate with us?"
"Usually the Sky Nazis are the ones who make you collaborate with them!"

-"I never thought I'd be suggesting an alliance with Sky Nazis!"
"Don't worry, it's very normal; this is what happens when you spend any time around Bill."
"He's a Black Hole of Moral Degeneracy, and we're all just in his event horizon."

-"The Hippomagus was last seen in a nearby floating island called Ansuz, and he was in possession of a powerful object known as the Sun Staff."
"I had nothing to do with that."

-"Bill, I need 101gp to pay some debts."
"I also want 50gp to screw around with."
"What am I, your dad?!"

-Teal was defeated by the Guardian Robots, after Roman abandoned him. But instead of Exterminating him, BOLT-1 interrogates him and makes him an offer.
"Well, I'm totally doomed."

-Teal tells BOLT-1 that Bill wants to destroy Lol, is in league with Sezrekhan and BOLT-0, and that he'll willingly work for BOLT-1 if he's spared. In other words, an unending stream of total bullshit.

"oh yay, probing..."

-Teal agrees to serve the Guardians and BOLT-1; he's told he'll be implanted with a listening device on his right wrist which will allow him to inform BOLT-1 of anything Bill and the other people around him are doing.

-The humans find the hovel that Frijole the magician had mentioned he'd hidden the last jar of magic beans in. They find it occupied by a young drug dealer, and buy some drugs off him to get access to his outhouse (where Frijole said it was hidden). The blacksmith gets bitten by some hideous sewer lizard-rat, but they get their jar of beans.

-Teal wakes up in an alley.
"I press my wrist to tell BOLT-1 I'm ok!"
"You know you're pressing the wrong wrist, right?"
"I do, Teal doesn't."

-Teal ends up spotting the handicapable yellow mutant who has been lost wandering through the city all adventure long. Unfortunately, Teal is the only party member who had never actually met that character, so he walks right past him.

-Teal does spot, and recognize, Roman Beckett! He's in a very poor disguise (basically just a top hat and a fake beard, over his real beard).  Teal tries to attack Roman, but Roman knocks him over with some "Venusian Aikido".

-Teal agrees to take Roman to Cylor and warn everyone about Bolt-1. They get to Cylor's tower.
"I want to speak to Mr. Big eye... I mean Cylor."

-One of the two humans immediately recognizes Roman as his quirky uncle that he hadn't seen since childhood. Curiously, Roman doesn't seem to have aged a day.

-It turns out Cylor cut a deal with the mercenary, Malaprex the Violent; freeing him (after having captured him last session) in exchange for him being in charge of wiping out the Resistance. Malaprex managed to slaughter most of the Resistance's leadership, but Myla escaped.

-Teal immerses his left wrist in the Minotauria fountain.
"Ok, listen, the Guardian robots put an implant in my right wrist, but I think I'm blocking it"
"That's your left wrist, dude."
"My left..? Oh shit!"

-"BOLT-1 and the Guardians plan to exterminate all life on Lol? I find that hard to believe."

-Just then, Teal explodes! When he does, Roman was already running like hell for the exit, having apparently realized what was about to take place.  A couple of the PCs were trying to stop him, so they were near the door when the blast went off.

-"They put a bomb in me?! Man, BOLT-1 is an asshole, just like his dad..."

-"BOLT-1 betrayed us after all. We have to stop the Guardians!"
"Ah say we kill everyone! That what Teal would have wanted!"
"Actually.. that probably is what he would have wanted."

-Heidi convinces Cylor to call together an emergency meeting of the council, to alert them of the imminent peril, and to try to take out BOLT-1.

-"We need to evacuate the population!"
"There aren't enough sky-ships to evacuate the entire population of LOL."
"We could have them go into the towers..."
"..our towers?"
"I don't think so.. they'll touch my things."
"Maybe the sewers? They might be safe there, for a little while?"
"Ah yes, the sewers! That's a much better place for the commoners to go!"

-The farmer and the blacksmith, Cylor, "Uncle" Roman, Heidi and Malaprex all head to the High Council tower to meet with the other great wizards, after sending all of Cylor's remaining catamites to alert the population to evacuate or flee into the sewers.

-Meanwhile, Bill is in the Library, totally unaware of the new crisis, engrossed in studying for his new spell.
"Like a NERD!"

That's it for this session. Will the PCs be able to save Lol from the robot menace? Will they be able to form a coherent plan with the world's mightiest wizards to find a way to stop Sezrekhan from assimilating the entire universe? Will Bill finally learn his new spell? Or will they just fuck everything up as usual? Tune in next time to find out!

(but let's face it, it'll probably be 'fuck everything up' time)


Currently Smoking: Mastro De Paja Rhodesian + Image Virginia

(March 7, 2017)
LION & DRAGON: Medieval-Authentic OSR Roleplaying is available now! You only THINK you've played 'medieval fantasy' until you play L&D.

My Blog:
The most famous uruguayan gaming blog on the planet!

Check out my short OSR supplements series; The RPGPundit Presents!

Dark Albion: The Rose War! The OSR fantasy setting of the history that inspired Shakespeare and Martin alike.
Also available in Variant Cover form!
Also, now with the CULTS OF CHAOS cult-generation sourcebook

Arrows of Indra: The Old-School Epic Indian RPG!
NOW AVAILABLE: AoI in print form

The new Diceless RPG of multiversal power, adventure and intrigue, now available.


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DCC Campaign Log
« Reply #93 on: March 23, 2018, 12:11:35 AM »
DCC Campaign Archive: Dutchmen Just Show Up

When we left off, Bill was nerding out in the library, blissfully unaware that many of the other PCs had just survived the bomb implanted in Teal by the Guardian Robots (Teal didn't survive).  Now the secret of the Guardians' plans to kill all humans (and mutants) was out, and the PCs decided to warn the people and gather together the High Council of Wizards.

This was also the 4th anniversary of our campaign.


-"Celebrating 4 years of the DCC campaign escalated quickly into cake-buying!"

-Everyone watches Teal/Mu's player carefully to see if he eats cake as weirdly as he eats pasta.

-Mu's player asks the Pundit to make a ruling on Psychic powers.
"I'm torn. On the one hand, if Pundit gives Mu what he wants, that might someday benefit one of my characters. On the other hand, it would benefit Mu, so..."

-Pundit rules on it.
"I like that ruling! It might someday help my future characters, but it doesn't really help Mu!"

-"It's too bad Teal died.."
"Is it though?"

-"I'm cool, I'm in the library. I don't give a shit"
"Yes, but you need 2.6 more days to actually learn your spell."
"yeah, so?"
"You need the city of Lol to still exist for another 54 hours or so."
"Oh, shit."

-"OK, but technically, Bill doesn't need to be in Lol, right? He just needs the books..."

-Malaprex the Violent and Uncle Roman are whispering to each other.
"It's Ok, I trust Roman, he's family!"

-"Do you really think Bolt-1 and the Guardian Robots could hope to defeat the council's combined power?"
"I have INT 7; I don't really think that much about anything."

-"You see, BOLT-0 cannot perform magic because of his big claw hands. So he made BOLT-1, who can."
"...why didn't he just make new hands?!"
"He has mysterious ways."

-Malaprex confides with the PCs that he thinks Lol is doomed, and he really just wants to steal everything he can and get the fuck out of Dodge.

-The Guardians decapsulate Morris.
"Just relax, man."

"Ok, well, I know he fucked this green mutant witch-queen in the Shithole."

"Well, did you know he only has one testicle?"

-"Why are you lying about me to robots!?"

-The Guardian Robots explain to Morris how Teal was blown to bits when they implanted a bomb in him, but failed to kill Bill the Elf.
"Why are you telling me this?"
"..OK, sure!"

-in all this, Heidi had been on his way to Bellmunster's tower, when he was attacked in an alley by a group of vicious cats with paralyzing bites and the ability to sprout wings. They flew his paralyzed body to a tower, whose inner architecture had the form of an enormous cat-palace.

-Heidi is revived by Fluffy the Cat, archwizard of the High Council.

-He speaks telepathically, through his human, who is held in a human-sized carrying-cage.
"Tell me, Heidi... what do you most desire?"
"To save the people of Lol!"
"Such a selfless desire... this is odd for someone who chooses to travel with Bill the elf!"
"I never really got a choice."

-"Heidi didn't choose the Bill Life, the Bill Life chose him!"

-"I have an offer for Bill, to defeat Sezrekhan and keep his current level of power."
"Not interested."

-Heidi is allowed to leave, through the exit, which consists of an enormous brass door with a large cat-flap.

-Malaprex, Roman and the humans are in the sewers, trying to find another entrance into the turbolifts leading to the spacedocks, because the regular terminal is flooded with panicking crowds trying to escape the city. In the sewers, they run into a blob-creature, which malaprex promptly shoots to pieces.
"You know, that might just have been like, an alien guy."
"I don't care."

-Next, they run into a group of frog-people.

-"I guess you guys can come with us; welcome to the mercenary life."
"We are not mercenaries. We are freedom-fighters."
"well, we fight for economic freedom..."
"Economic freedom is a fundamental Kekistani value!"

-Having failed to use Heidi as a messenger, Fluffy the Cat sends a messenger-cat to Bill, in the Library. The cat explains to Bill that the city is on the verge of total chaos.
"Man, when did things start to go so wrong?"
"I'm pretty sure it was Bill's first adventure."

-Mu was looking for Bill, and gets to the library entrance after making his way past frantic mobs and rioters. There, he meets Grizlor the Library-Receptionist Wizard.
"I'm looking for Bill the Elf. I'm a wizard!"
"Are you his apprentice?"
"I was, until he left me stuck in the Shithole."
"Is that what the young people are calling it these days?"

-"Do you know what's going on out there, Grizlor? Aren't you going to run for it?"
"No. I was born in this library, and I'll die in this library."

-"The library is very large. It's larger on the inside. I'll get a page to guide you to Bill."
"Like, an animated page from a book?"
"No, just a servant."

-The page and Mu walk in on Bill stuffing books into his Breifcase of Holding, having been warned about the eminent potential destruction of Lol.  The cat-messenger was acting as his lookout, but Bill totally ignored his warning mews.

-"Theft!! Theft!!"
Bill Planar Steps out of there.

-Mu is pissed.
"That asshole of my former master left with a bunch of books."
"wah wah my ex is an asshole, he left me in the Shithole... man up, dude."

-"So is this place defended?"
"Not really, but I trust that the council will take care of these problems shortly."
"You're fucked dude, I'm out of here."

-Morris has been freed by the Guardian Robots.
"Is there any shooting happening?"
"no, though you hear shooting in the distance."
"That's music to Morris' ears."

-"Is my credit still good?"
"Well, most of the city is on fire, so no."

-Morris was left near the library, and he sees Mu coming out, all pissed. A bit later, both see this thing that looks vaguely like The Predator come out of the library.
"I'm betting that's something that's been sent to hunt down Bill for stealing books. Let's follow it!"

-Heidi gets to the outside of Bellmunster's tower, only to run into a crowd of people who have become Sezrekhan-zombies. He manages to bluff them by walking past them with the same blank stare repeating "all is Sezrekhan".

-Bellmunster's Owlbear Butler opens the door to the tower.
"All is.. er, I mean, I need to talk to your master."

-Bellmunster has other animals servants: a duck cook, disney-style animated brooms, and dire-weasel guards.
"Dire weasels are the deadliest predators of Bellmunster's tower!"

-Bellmunster is trying to get the wizards together to do an assault on the Guardian Robots' HQ, now that the Guardians have started to come out and Exterminate people. While Heidi waits, Bellmunster has a platypus in a doctor's outfit give him a healing potion.

-Roman, Malaprex, the frogmen and the humans had originally joined a merchant to get to his merchant ship, but then they set their minds on a much more impressive Grey Realms Transdimensional Mercenary Cruiser. Only, it's got a protective force field defense system that's disintegrated anyone who comes near it. Roman thinks he's figured out how to disrupt it; but to test it, they throw the merchant toward the ship. The merchant gets disintegrated.
"Hmmm... give me a sec."

-They try again, for which purpose the Blacksmith shanghais a random organge mutant. This time, the disruption worked!
"We're good!"
"I helped!"
"Yes, you did. Welcome to the exciting life of a mercenary!"

-"Yes Heidi, for getting past the Sezrekhan crazies, you get 1 XP. Which is more than any of you have gained in the last two sessions."

-"This has been a very interesting adventure, but not big on XP."
"Yeah, we haven't had many fights for the last while."
"Just you fucking wait!"

-Inside the mercenary cruiser, the Blacksmith and the Kekistanis raid the armory. The Blacksmith gets himself a top-of-the-line Exoarmor with a jet pack attachment. The farmer gets aquapants.
"What the fuck are aquapants?"
"They're pants that look like they're made out of water. Grey Realm beings are weird."

-While following the Predator, Morris & Mu find a giant hamster (about the size of a pig). It appears to be someone's pet, who was set free before they fled. Morris feeds it some peanuts, and Mu decides to take it with him.
"What are you doing with that thing??"
"I need love!"

-"I'm going to blow the Horn of Dutchmen"
"One sec, I have to look up just how that works again.."
"I'm pretty sure that Dutchmen just show up."
"...Yup, you're right."

-"You know, we could use this mercenary cruiser's dimensional drive to.. well, no, that would be a bad idea."
"A bad idea, Uncle Roman? Tell me more!"
"Well, we could try to make a short jump inside the dome that covers Lol."
"You really think that's a better idea?"
"Well, define 'better'."

-"If this doesn't work, will we all die?"
"I like those odds!"

-Heidi tells Bellmunster about Roman Beckett. Bellmunster decides that he will find him on his cystal ball, and teleport him over. He finds Roman working on his calculations in the ship.
"Should we take anyone else?"
"Yeah, take those two human guys with him."

-Roman and the humans are teleported to Bellmunster's tower. Seconds later they can see the flash of light in the sky as Malaprex and the Kekistanis take off, abandoning them.
"son of a bitch!"
"Well, there goes the exciting life of a mercenary."

-"I've brought you here Roman, because Heidi says you know a great deal about the Guardian Robots. You may be our only chance to defeat them."
"And why were we brought here?!"
"Heidi felt the two of you might also be useful."
"That's a fucking lie! You KNOW we're useless!"

-Bill gets to Fluffy's tower, but runs into Myla and the resistance. Bill agrees he'll help them to wipe out the Guardians (mostly just to shut the resistance up) but that first he has to go to the tower. Myla insists on going with him.
"I don't trust you!"
"Why not? I love genocide!"

-"I suppose I don't have much choice. But if you betray us, I will get you back!"
"Hey, I betray a LOT of people. But you never know, you might just be the lucky one!"

-Not allowed to follow Bill into Fluffy's sanctum, Myla comes back out just in time to see Morris, Mu, and the "Predator".
"Where's Bill?"
"He's inside."
"I'm here to kill him!"

-The Predator can't seem to enter the Tower, either due to wards, or its magical programming. So Mu steps up to the door and knocks. A cat comes out of the catflap.
"Is Bill here?"
"Can I come in?"
"Can you give him something from me?"
"This pinless grenade?"
"Oh. Ok, then I'll wait for him here."

-Bellmunster and Roman set up a plan whereby they'll teleport inside the Guardian HQ and sabotage the Guardian's communications network.
"Well, good luck with that, guys!"
"We should all go!"
"...fuck you, Heidi."
"you can go if you want, dude, but not me."
"We should take them all, Bellmunster. Random cannon fodder was very useful to me last time I was in the Guardian's base."
"'re becoming my least favorite uncle."

-"Don't worry, I've been against worst odds."
"I haven't."
"Oh.. well, in that case you'll probably die."

-Bill meets Fluffy.
"Welcome, Bill the elf! The city of Lol is doomed!"
"That's too bad, the brains were pretty cool."
"Yes, I also like brains."
"Um, I meant in the mausoleum, the brains of deceased archwizards."
"...Yes... that's what I meant as well..."

-"Man, I would have liked for Bill to hang out with Emirikol."
"I think one Bill per era is more than enough."
"Zero is really the ideal."

-"You must see by now, Bill the elf, there is no purpose in serving Sezrekhan anymore. You could serve MY master instead: Rataxes the Imprisoned."
"Could we free him?"
"That is the idea. Together, we could free him."
"Yes! That sounds totally awesome!"

-Fluffy explains that he is not only the diabolist in the High Council, he's also the one who's responsible for the Hippomagus' disappearance; having tricked him into going to get a powerful artifact called the Sunstaff and then imprisoning him.
"But.. you're not going to trick me, are you?"
"Of course not!"
"Ok, cool."

-According to Fluffy, Rataxes (if liberated) could use the Sunstaff to pierce the Crown of Creation itself, kill Sezrekhan, and take the place of G.O.D.
"But then wouldn't we have the same problem as with Sezrekhan"
"No. He would not wish to assimilate all into himself like Sezrekhan does. He would want to rule over the world and plunge it into eternal darkness."

-"So he's a sadist, not a narcissist. Cool!"
"The 'darkness eternal' thing isn't sending any warning signs to you?"

-"So, after we conquer the world, we can still go adventuring, right?"
"... we, the loyal servants of Rataxes, would RULE the world! There would be no need to adventure!"
"But, then what would we do all the time?"
"Torture lesser creatures, eat, sleep, groom our fur, many things!"
"So, stuff cats do all the time..."

-Bill takes a look out the window of the tower, sees that Morris is still down there.
"Hey, Morris!"
"Hey, Bill!"
"Tell the rest of the group... goodbye!"

-"Bill, wait... can I go with you? Look at my puppy-dog eyes!"
"sorry, no time!"

-"So, are we ready to teleport to the Guardian Headquarters?"
"Remember, even if we die, what we do today we do for the city of Lol, and the High Council of wizards!"
"Screw you, you bearded asshole!"

-In spite of the Farmer and the Blacksmith wanting nothing to do with it, they (along with Bellmunster, Roman, and Heidi) teleport into the Guardian Headquarters.
"Now what?"
"We need to get in that room, guarded by two of the robots.  We can use the farmer as a distraction."
"Don't worry, we'll rescue you."
"Why did you just laugh as you said that??"
"It was nervous laughter."

-After the farmer provided a distraction, the rest of the team broke into the control room. While Roman frantically tried to hack the communications system, Bellmunster and the PCs were forced to hold off oncoming Guardian Robots. Bellmunster demonstrates his awesome wizardly power, but he's also quickly taking hits (hits that would have killed any lesser mortal). The blacksmith hides behind a panel. Heidi shoots his gun at the robots, knowing full well his bullets can't actually hurt them, and counting on the robots ignoring him and hitting Bellmunster instead.

-Roman gets control of the Comms, and issues the order that all the Guardian Robots should move immediately to the main entry hall of the HQ. Bellmunster prepares to teleport the other PCs out.
"but... you're staying?"
"Don't fear for me. I will finish them, and survive."
"I wasn't really fearing for him, but I'll let him think I was. I'm actually thinking about looting his tower if he dies."

-Bellmunster teleports the team outside, near the market. In the distance they can see massive signs of damage from the epic battle the rest of the Council members (those who answered Bellmunster's call, that is) had with the Guardians.
"I wonder if any of them are still alive?"

-Just then, the Guardian's Headquarters explodes in a massive fireball! Bellmunster clearly used some serious spellburn to blow up all the Guardians after hacking them to gather in one place... but did he live?

-Finally, Bill and Fluffy teleported themselves to another high-orbit asteroid, a seemingly uninhabited one called Gebo.
There, they see a large black monolith.
"Within, we shall find our destiny."

-"I hope Bill gets the AIDS."

That's it for this session. Who on the council survived? Is Bellmunster alive? Has the threat of the Guardian Robots been stopped? Will Bill and Fluffy free yet another universe-threatening demon?

Stay tuned for these and other exciting developments in our next session!


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LION & DRAGON: Medieval-Authentic OSR Roleplaying is available now! You only THINK you've played 'medieval fantasy' until you play L&D.

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Dark Albion: The Rose War! The OSR fantasy setting of the history that inspired Shakespeare and Martin alike.
Also available in Variant Cover form!
Also, now with the CULTS OF CHAOS cult-generation sourcebook

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DCC Campaign Log
« Reply #94 on: April 10, 2018, 11:59:37 PM »
DCC Campaign Update: Like That Scene From Total Recall, but in Your Ass

When we left off, the party had mostly just witnessed the destruction of the evil Guardian Robots' headquarters, in a huge fireball caused by Bellmunster, the head of the High Council of Wizards.  It was uncertain how many of the high council had managed to survive the battle.
Bill the Elf witnessed nothing, however, because he'd buggered off with Fluffy the Cat, a wizard of the High Council who was secretly a diabolist in the service of a daemon called Rataxis the Imprisoned. They had teleported to a barren sinister asteroid called Gebo, where there was a black monolith that Fluffy explained was the entryway to his master's prison; it was also where Fluffy had used trickery to trap the Hippomagus, after tricking him into retreiving an incredibly powerful artifact called the Sunstaff.

-Mu is still in the sewers, with Myla and her rebels. He uses his psionic power to communicate with animals to talk to his pet Giant Hamster. He's surprised to find he has a fancy posh type of voice.
"Oh of course I do my good man, hamsters are the aristocrats of the giant rodent world."

-"I'll call you Puffybottoms or something like that!"
"That name is idiotic."
"Oh, then what's your name?"
"Sir Mortimer Hufflesnuffs!"

-Morris, meanwhile, is lost in a different part of the sewers, alone.
"Mu abandoned Morris... Bill abandoned Morris..."
"Even the Guardian Robots abandoned me!"

-Yarr the halfling sniper has been missing for days; it turns out she'd been kidnapped... by the Time Dinosaurs! They talk to her in dinosaur; she tries to talk back and they seem very offended!

-Through an incredibly shitty game of charades, the Time Dinosaurs manage to explain to Yarr that she needs to get a crystal orb to Bill the Elf.  They don't manage to explain what the fuck it's for.

-While the blacksmith goes off to loot the city, Roman and Heidi search the rubble of the Guardian HQ to see if they can find any of the high wizards. They come across the shattered remnants of Sir John De La Pole.
"Does he have anything to loot?"
"No, he was a staff. It's not like he had pockets."

-Next they find Zak, the artistic wizard, next to his shattered flute.
"He died as he lived... like an idiot."

-They keep finding remains of the various wizards; it turns out that everyone on the council who was present at the battle died, except for Princess Fairywinkle.  They found her with the decapitated corpse of Bellmunster the archwizard; he had survived the massive fireball he created, but it seems that he was slain by Bolt-1 after the explosion, when he was nearly-helpless from massive spellburn.
"Bolt-1 is a real asshole!"

-Bill is with Fluffy in front of the monolith. He asks Fluffy if he can finish studying for his new spell before they go in, and Fluffy agrees.  Then Bill suddenly springs the runestone of sleeping on Fluffy and his carrier, and both fail their saves and fall unconscious. He murders them both!

-"Holy shit!"
"Yes, I betrayed them."
"Shouldn't everyone have expected that?"
"Fluffy sure didn't."

-Just as Bill was about to settle in to finish studying his spell, Yarr teleports in.
"I have this orb for you.. it might be a bomb."

-Bill wants to send Yarr back to Lol, but having recently had an experience using spellburn that made him worried that he might get hit by the "all is sezrekhan" bug, he chooses to take a Corruption to cast Planar Step instead.  His corruption ends up mutating his head into a snake's head.

-Then he fails his spell anyways.
"Oh well, I guess you're stuck here for today. hss"
"OK, but I'm not going to be sleeping!"

-Morris, wandering through mostly abandoned city streets, runs into a trio of council-apprentices, a guy who looks like some kind of viking-wizard covered in strange runes, and a robot emu.

-The Viking Wizard ends up Charming him.
"He now interrogates you to find out everything you know. Unfortunately, he quickly learns you  know nothing of use."
"That's my defense mechanism!"
"The less you know..."

-Myla finds out from Mu that the entire high council other than Fairywinkle are dead.
"Maybe you could talk to her!"
"Yes... maybe we could 'talk' to her."
"No, I mean maybe she will really be reasonable!"
"Yes... maybe she really 'will' be reasonable."
"Stop doing that!"

-Obviously, Myla plans to murder Fairywinkle and everyone left at the wizard tower.
"Remember, Mu, don't cross us.  There's room for the bourgeoisie in our revolution, so long as they have revolutionary tendencies."
"I'm not bourgeoisie! I came from the Shithole!"

-"Hey Yarr, while I study my spell, go into that monolith and free the Hippomagus!"
"No thanks."
"But he'll be grateful!"
"Will he?"

-Mu makes it to the tower, and asks to speak to the person in charge. They send him to Roman, who wasted no time in becoming the chief administrator.

-Mu claims that Bill was allied to Bolt-1 & the Guardian robots.
"Heidi, Mu here claims that Bill kept saying he'd destroy the council?"
"Well, he kept alternating between 'talk-to' and 'destroy'. I think he's dyslexic or something."

-"Heidi, do you remember Morris?"
"Unfortunately, yes."

-Mu, who's by now tired of having to carry the giant hamster everywhere (because he's too posh to walk), gifts Sir Mortimer Hufflesnuffs to Princess Fairywinkle, much to her delight.

-Unfortunately for Yarr and Bill, the Monolith-gate requires solving a riddle to open.  Fluffy probably knew that riddle. They can't figure it out, lacking some vital information. It requires saying 'the name', but just what the name is doesn't seem clear. Below, the riddle is signed "Zuman the Magnificient" but that is apparently NOT the name required.
"I'll try the name of every mighty wizard I know... which is like six."

-When the Viking Wizard learns that almost the entire council is dead, he decides it's time to start looting their towers. He takes his charmed thrall Morris with him, to act as his door-opener and human shield. Morris gets in through a window, and the first thing he loots is... a bucket. From what is very obviously a closet.
"I empty it and put it on my head. Safety first!"

-Morris gets to a room where a transparent magical spiked-wall appears and starts trying to crush him.
"Does it look like a magical trap?"
"It's a glowing ethereal wall that is slowly moving toward you."
"So yes?"

-"Chancellor Roman has already spoken with the sky-nazis without you. He thought you were busy."
"So he's chancellor now?"
"Yes. He even has a sash that says 'chancellor' on it".

-Heidi is sent out to deal with the huge mob that Myla has gathered with the intention of massacring everyone in the High Council tower.
"Myla, we have to make peace. There's sky-nazis approaching."
"well, I mean, we asked them to come. They're here to help us with something."

-After Myla seems unwilling to make peace with a Wizards' council that's ready to make a pact with Sky-Nazis (who'd want to murder 9/10ths of Lol's population), Heidi decides to ease things along by using his new Ring of Human Control (obtained from the wizard Roncha's corpse) on Myla.
"I need you to give us some time."
"We will give you some time."
"Myla, what??"
"Oh, and we need you to let the sky-nazis through the spaceport when they arrive."
"We will let the Sky-Nazis through the spaceport when they arrive."
"Myla, what??!"

-Myla goes back with her people to the spaceport terminal, for now. Heidi reports to Roman.
"I have to say, you're an amazing diplomat."
"How in the world did you manage that?"
"Well.. um.. I used a ring of human control."
"I see. Well, you know that will only work for a short while and when she comes out of it, she'll know you were mentally dominating her, right?"

-Heidi tries to use the Ring of Human Control on Roman, but finds that it has no effect.
"Hmm.. Roman only LOOKS human?"

-Morris makes his way through the tower of the late wizard John De La Pole, finding that he has to fight against animated quarterstaff guardians. He goes full-apeshit on them with his particle beam cannon.

-Finally opening the front door for his 'friend' the Wizard Viking, they start to explore the tower in earnest, with the wizard-viking making Morris take all the risks, of course.
"I don't see any normal traps on this door.. any magic traps?"
"Um... no."
"Ok my friend!"
"You go ahead..." (the viking wizard backs away)

-They find a hollow metal jewel-encrusted staff.
"It looks like a thinner staff could have fit inside it."
"wait.. is that like.. De La Pole's dinner jacket?"

-At one point, the two are separated by a magical trap. The Viking Wizard is forced to retreat back to the exit, while Morris has to go further up the tower.  He finds his way up to the top floor where there's a treasure room! But as he opens the door (finding a room with 10 obviously magical staffs inside, one of which may be Bill's famous and long-lost Primo Staff), a Staff-Golem (a huge humanoid creature made out of many smaller staffs combining into one giant staff-creature) appears!  Unfortunately, the golem beats Morris into unconsciousness.

-"So the wizard Roncha had a ring of human control... that.. ugh.. that actually explains a lot."
"Why do I have a feeling that Roncha was like the Bill Cosby of the High Council of Wizards?"

-"I want to get out of here as quickly as possible; this place is turning into a Shithole already!"

-The Council decides to negotiate with Myla and her revolutionaries. They send Heidi and Mu to negotiate.
Incredibly, Heidi's gift of gab manages to keep them from being strung by piano wire, and the revolutionaries agree to the Council's terms (which amounts to them being allowed to live, and to keep control of the wizard-parts of Lol, while giving up all political power).

-"We found this guy in one of the towers, we think he's associated with you. He's been brutally beaten by poles."

-"Morris, you've been probed by the Guardian Robots.  There's a bomb inside you!"
"Don't worry, we can remove it. But we're going to have to Deprobe you."
"It's going to be like that scene from Total Recall, but in your ass."

-"If something goes wrong and I explode, remember that Bill the Elf is an asshole! And destroy Tholia for me!"

-"Good news! The Deprobing was successful! Your friend will live and is recovering."
"That's not good news."

-"There's a viking wizard I know.."
"I don't want to know about your fetishes."
"No, he was with me at the Pole thing!"
"Stop it! Shut up!"

-"I hope Bill comes back. He's a powerful ally! Well... he's powerful."

-The revolutionaries have set up a 'supreme soviet' to govern the city.

-Mu headed to the Library, where he meets Grozlor, grandson of Grilzor, and great-great-grandson of Grezlor, the new receptionist-librarian.

-"Hopefully the Sky-Nazis will be reasonable!"

-Roman plans to bluff the Sky-Nazis into leaving the area, until the PCs have recovered the soul of Alice. When this is accomplished (by somehow going down to the Hell realm and bringing it back with them), the Sky-Nazis will provide a cloned body of the Ancient girl for the soul to inhabit. Then she will hopefully be able to use the Command Codes to get them up into the Crown of Creation to stop Sezrekhan. Of course, the Sky-Nazis plan to restore G.O.D. to full power and have him kill every mutant in the world.

-After an entire session spent trying to learn his new spell, Bill the Elf's player rolls a natural-1 on his learning check.

-Meanwhile, thousands of miles away on Lol:
"Did you guys just hear something?"
"It sounded like a complete asshole just cried out in anguish."

-"Well, look at it this way, when you level up, you can try to learn it again."
"Great. So I just need about 100xp until I can try it again."

That's it for this session. What will Bill do next? Will the PCs really be heading down to Hell? Stay tuned for our next session to find out!


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(April 4, 2017)
LION & DRAGON: Medieval-Authentic OSR Roleplaying is available now! You only THINK you've played 'medieval fantasy' until you play L&D.

My Blog:
The most famous uruguayan gaming blog on the planet!

Check out my short OSR supplements series; The RPGPundit Presents!

Dark Albion: The Rose War! The OSR fantasy setting of the history that inspired Shakespeare and Martin alike.
Also available in Variant Cover form!
Also, now with the CULTS OF CHAOS cult-generation sourcebook

Arrows of Indra: The Old-School Epic Indian RPG!
NOW AVAILABLE: AoI in print form

The new Diceless RPG of multiversal power, adventure and intrigue, now available.


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DCC Campaign Log
« Reply #95 on: April 19, 2018, 02:52:46 PM »
DCC Campaign Update: "Mein name is... Beinrich"

When we left off, Bill the (snake-headed) Elf was on a barren asteroid with Yarr, having just failed to learn his spell. The rest of the gang were in the city of Lol, having defeated the Guardian Robots but now facing a potential sky-Nazi invasion.


-"You know, if Bill can't manage to succeed at a Planar Step he might just spend the whole adventure starving to death on an asteroid."
"No I won't, I have rations!"

-Tonut The Blacksmith levels up and becomes Tonut the Cleric.
"I got Holy Sanctuary! Oh wait, it's called Ack'Basha's Holy Sanctuary"
"Actually, it's just called Ack'basha's Sanctuary; there's nothing holy about Ack'basha."

-"I also got Detect Evil."
"How's that going to work?"
"In this campaign, it's like an episode of Oprah: 'look under your chairs, and yes.. EVERYONE is evil!!"
"No. It's 'Detect Evil', not 'Detect Horrible Assholes'. If it was that, then yes, you'd go blind any time you cast it."


-Frustrated about his failing to learn the spell, Bill finally picks up the Time Dinosaur orb; it turns out to be a hologram orb, which shows a Time Dinosaur explaining a very detailed mission breakdown for Bill. Unfortunately, it's all in dinosaur, so Bill doesn't get any of it.

-"Bill, I get the feeling you don't give a shit anymore."
"Hey man, I have a motherfucking snake head now!"

-Failing to cast a powerful enough Planar Step to get himself and Yarr off the floating island, he decides to risk spellburn. Unfortunately, he fails his saving throw and turns into a Sezrekhan zombie!
"All is Sezrekhan!"

-"So I have to play another PC?"
"Yup. Who knows when Bill will regain his free will, after all."
"Can't I talk to Sezrekhan?"
"No. You are a part of Sezrekhan now."
"The question is, what part?"

-"So we're free of Bill? Awesome."
"Well, sort of awesome, he was the highest level of us, by far."
"ohh fuck.. you know what this means, right? Now Morris is your leader!!"

-Lucky for Bill's player, one of his former characters, the psychopath Weaver Wizard, was last seen with the Sky-Nazis. So he takes that character back up for now. He's sent by the Sky-Obergrupenfurher to infiltrate the city of Lol, accompanied by a sky-gestapo agent named Schmidt. They are supposed to find out if the wizard council has been sufficiently weakened for the Sky-Nazis to invade. For infiltration purposes, they are given incredibly silly outfits; in the Weaver's case the most stereotypical wizard outfit imaginable.
"So like, gandalf or something?"
"No, more like Mickey Mouse from Fantasia."


-Also, as backup the two get secondary "tourist" costumes: shorts, sunglasses, and stupid T-shirts. And retractable-lugers.
"Sky-nazis are really bad at infiltration."


-A local streetgang by the name of the 'Lol City Gaylords' are trying to steal Tonut the Cleric's new retractable-hoverbike.

-Tonut makes short work of them. Looting them, he gets himself a retractable-club and a retractable-comb.

-Mu is studying his spell in the library, and finds himself attacked by a horrific giant insect with phasing powers, that came out of a dimensional crack in the corner!

-"Hi, my name is Argos, I'm a wizard, and I'm not a sky-nazi!"
"Ya, und I am his bulter, und I am also not a sky-nazi. Mein  name is... Beinrich."
"That's an.. unusual accent."
"Oh yeah.. um.. he's Dutch!"
"Ya, I am Dutch... isn't that..strange?"

-The Weaver Wizard and Schmidt, still in disguise after being let into lol, run into Tonut the Cleric.
"Heil, how are you?"

-"You appear to be of good racial stock, mein friend!"
"ok... I'm going to go now..."
"oh ya.. well, seig you later!"

-The Sky-Nazi agents are suspected, so they're taken to be interviewed by Heidi.
"So, where do you come from?"
"The... Northern Continent"
"Oh yeah?"
"Ya. We are from the city of... Northerncontinentia!"
"Oh really? Well.. I'm also from the Northern Continent and I never heard of that place!"
"Oh ya? Then where are you from?"
"I um.. from the city of Northeasterncontinentia"
"Ok ya."

-"So you're both humans?"
"Ya, this is right. Here are my papers!"
"um.. ok."
"And you're not human?"
"Well, I have green skin and six toes, so no."
"you look good, though."
"Oh.. ya I also agree with my friend, you look good so I feel almost no disgust even being in the same room as you. Very little bile is rising in my throat at this time."

-Heidi, having confirmed they're both humans, uses the Ring of Human Control.
"Who are you really?"
"Ve are sky-nazi agents!"

-"So what would you do if you were in my position?"
"If I was in your position, I would kill myself as a racial degenerate!"

-"So I guess we're prisoners now?"
"Can I just ask... what gave us away?"

-"We'll have to give Morris more time to recover from his deprobing... there were... complications."

-Tonut the cleric tries everything he can to get himself a date with Myla. He finally gets her to agree to a "date" that's actually a strategic meeting between her and Roman.
"So it's a date!"
"It's a meeting."
"Yeah, it's a date!"

-Roman interrogates the Weaver Wizard.
"This might be a bit of a personal question but... do you have a portal inside you?"
"Yes, the Dark Ones put it there. It leads to the Gnomish underworld."
"Well, that's new."

-"If the Dark Ones put a portal inside you, I'm not sure how, but maybe we might be able to alter the portal destination to go elsewhere."
"That will probably involve a lot of probing..."

-"You know Roman, at some point you'll have to come clean about who you really are..."
"Maybe. But probably not to a sky-nazi."

-"So let me get this straight, Tonut. You want me, the Chancellor of the High Council, to go with you to meet Myla, the premier of the Revolutionary government, so you can seduce her?"
"That's my boy!"

-"I have another question for you Tonut: what's a 'gaylord' and why is it printed on the back of your leather jacket?"
"Oh yeah. I should probably have that patch removed."


-Heidi and Tonut are interrogating Schmidt. He wants Schmidt to tell the Obergrupenfuhrer and his sky-nazi fleet that Lol is too well defended to invade.
"He's going to betray us."
"Nein.. I am not going to..."
"You're using the 'I'm going to betray you' voice right now!"

-Heidi caresses the sky-nazi's cheek with his mutant hand.
"you know, there are fates worse than death..."
"Heidi is a pacifist, but he believe in love..."
"Look, Schmidt... I can't control Heidi's unnatural mutant lust. You'd better get on board."

-Mu gets a meeting with Grizlor.
"Can I get Bill's staff? I was his apprentice after all."
"Well, if anyone on the council had it, it would have been John Delapole. He was a great collector of staffs. He was kind of obsessed with it.. perhaps because he was a staff himself."

-Grizlor and his grandson Grezlor determine that the insect-creature that attacked Mu was something called a Dimension Bug.
"There's very little that is known about them. They exist in a different dimensional vibration, and they are mortal enemies of the Time Dinosaurs."
"That explains everything, actually... though not in character."

-"Now go finish studying your spell, Mu, and work hard. If you do, one day, hundreds of years from now, you might get to be where I am today!"
"Oh great. Ok, I'm going.."
"Wait! Here, have a shiny silver piece you young scamp. Spend it on moon-pies and pennywhistles!"

-Faced with inter-species homo-eroticism, Schmidt gives in and agrees to work with the PCs.
"I think you should know one more thing. Mein name is not Beinrich.. it is Heinrich."

-Roman and Tonut have a meeting at the Dancing Harpy tavern with Myla.
"You should relax a little, Myla!"
"Well, it is true that one of the goals of the revolution is to maximize the happiness of the people..."
"I happen to have some ideas about maximizing your happiness..."


-After all that effort, Tonut only gets a tavern dance and a kiss on the cheek for his trouble.

-Roman frees the Weaver Wizard in exchange for a promise of service. Argos almost immediately attacks Roman, getting a natural-20 on Chill Touch, murdering a bunch of people with the effect, but Roman is much much tougher than he looks, and drops the wizard with a knock-out effect from his sonic tool.

-"We all learned a valuable lesson today: never trust a Sky-nazi!"

-"Schmidt was just born a sky-nazi; I was made one!"

-Once the Weaver Wizard Argos is restrained, Roman gets him alone and turns all sinister and ominous. Just before he kills the wizard, Roman whispers into his secret into the wizard's ear.
"So Bill's player knows now, but he's not telling."
"Just imagine it was something like 'hail hydra'".

-Heidi gets visited in the night by one of Jal'udin's assassin-lackeys.  He decides to meet with Jal'udin, again in the Dancing Harpy, and takes Tonut the cleric with him. The locals all greet Tonut warmly, remembering him from his drunken revelry the other night.
"I regret nothing, except the techno-walrus belly-rubbing contest."

-Jal'udin shows up, and thinks the PCs' plan to go to Hell is insane. He wants to try to find some other Ancient complex and hopefully another cryogenically-frozen ancient inside. He also note that the Sezrekhan-zombie phenomenon is not spreading at a universally equal rate; instead, it seems concentrated in areas where bonded agents of Sezrekhan are present.
"I back away a bit from Jal'udin.."

-"Give me two weeks to find an ancient complex."
"You have four days."
"If you must, go on with your plan but I will not go with you to Hell."
"You just told us you have Sezrekhan-AIDS. We don't really want you to come with us!"

-"If you insist on your plan and I have not yet found a promising ancients' complex, I will give you a couple of my men to accompany you."
"Will they be your best men?"
"No. I won't risk my best men on this insane plan. They will be merely competent."
"If they're merely competent, they'll still be way better than us!"

-Mu is attacked by another Dimension Bug! He spellburns to defeat it, but the spellburn leaves him unable to say anything other than his name.
A little later, through the same dimensional crack in the corner of his study area, something else is coming through.

-It turns out to be a person this time!
"Where am I? Who are you?"

-Grezlor the Librarian shows up.
"Who is this?"
"This wizard seems to have spellburned, he can't say anything other than his name. Can you tell me where we are?"
"You are an intruder in the great library of Lol! And who are you?"
"Me? My name is... Ack'basha."

And on that shocking development, we leave you for today! Stay tuned next session for more DCC excitement!


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(April 19, 2017)
LION & DRAGON: Medieval-Authentic OSR Roleplaying is available now! You only THINK you've played 'medieval fantasy' until you play L&D.

My Blog:
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Check out my short OSR supplements series; The RPGPundit Presents!

Dark Albion: The Rose War! The OSR fantasy setting of the history that inspired Shakespeare and Martin alike.
Also available in Variant Cover form!
Also, now with the CULTS OF CHAOS cult-generation sourcebook

Arrows of Indra: The Old-School Epic Indian RPG!
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DCC Campaign Log
« Reply #96 on: May 02, 2018, 02:38:53 AM »
DCC Campaign Update: "We Hope To Save At Least 70% of Morris' Ass"

The PCs ended last session having temporarily removed the Sky-Nazi menace, only to face a new cliffhanger as someone claiming to be Ack'basha the (very dead) Cleric has come out of a tear in space-time caused by the Dimension Bugs.


-"Right now, with Bill gone and Morris out of action, Heidi is our leader!"
"Yes, only by process of elimination though."

-"Grizlor, Grezlor and Grazlor have a lesser-known relative called G-Rizzlor, the black sheep of the family. He's the curator of the lesser known Lol City Museum of Rap Wizardry."


-Heidi and Tonut are having a barely-deserved break in the Dancing Harpy tavern, when a hysterical woman comes in. Her husband Sam was apparently taken by the Dimension Bugs.
"Take us to where this happened!"
"Are you some kind of heroes?"
"Well... some kind."

-"Sadly, this moment just now was the most typically heroic-fantasy scene this campaign has ever had!"

-The two "heroes" proceed to the woman's hovel.
"I push Heidi inside ahead of me with my mace."

-"Here's the slime trail he left when he was taken.. my Sam struggled with all his pseudopods but it was no good!"
"Wait.. your husband is some kind of slime-monster?"

-"Please tell me you can save my dear Sam!"
"We could tell you that, but it probably wouldn't be true."

-This "Ack'Basha" that appeared in front of Mu has apparently  never even heard of Bill the Elf.
"Wait.. you don't mean Ted the Elf, do you?"

-"Have you seen someone named Morris?"
"Yes! He's currently recovering from a deprobing."
"What? Is he going to be alright?? What happened to him?!"
"This Ack'basha is disturbingly concerned about Morris..."

-In the high-council tower, Heidi spots the "viking wizard" Morris had mentioned, and plans to rat him out to the high council.
"Don't you know that snitches get stitches?"
"Yeah. Snitching on a Viking is probably not a good idea."


-"Roman, this is Ack'basha."
"...No he isn't!"
"Yes I am!"

-Roman theorizes that Ack'Basha is from an alternate timeline. This is bad, because it means time itself is collapsing.

("Uncle" Roman Beckett)

-"Heidi, this is Ack'basha"
"No it's not."
"Yes I am!!"

-Morris is still recovering from his deprobing. Ack'basha insists on seeing him.
"That is NOT my Morris!"
"Yeah, he's from our timeline..."
"So wait, I'm in a fake timeline now?"
"Sirs, sorry to interrupt, but I thought you might want to know, the patient is stabilizing and we hope we'll manage to save at least 70% of Morris' ass."

-"Tonut, this is Ack'basha"
"...No it isn't!"
"Yes I am! Why does everyone keep saying that?"

-Another member of Ack'basha's team is found: Theobald the Ape-man Wizard!

-"Why are they so happy to see each other?"
"I think Ack'basha and Theobald get along. I think their whole party is cohesive and care about each other."
"That's so weird."
"I think I'm going to be sick."
"Yeah, that's bullshit! Where's the thinly-veiled contempt?!"
"Can you guys take me with you when you go back??"

-"You want to send out a bunch of apprentices to search for a 'better' version of Morris?"
"..Actually, we should have probably been trying to do that all along."

-Frijole the wizard also existed in the alternate timeline.
"Of course I've heard of Frijole. He was the famous creator of Frijole's Unfortunate Explosion!"
"And Frijole's Noxious Cloud!"

-Mu, who is still spellburned to be unable to say anything other than his name, is hijacked by a weird masked man who ties him up, and demands to be taken to Ack'basha.
"Don't move! Don't even breathe. Well, breathe a little."
"Don't make animal sounds!  Good. My name is Chu the Unseen. You've probably never heard of me."


-Heidi, Tonut, Roman, Theobald and Ack'basha take note on the differences in the two timelines; apparently the point of divergence was the death of Bill the Elf and the survival of Ted the Elf (until Ack'basha killed Ted). The divergence means that G.O.D. was never restored, nor was he hijacked by Nikos and then Sezrekhan. Nor had Ack'basha ever heard of the Libram of the Ten Spheres; but now that he has, he's very interested.

-"So you guys never went to Minotauria?"
"Well, it's really called Tholia."
"Still no. Oh, we've been to Centauria!"
"It's not really called Centauria!"

-"Excuse me, someone infiltrated the library and took Mu hostage. They are a guy in a mask, and a techno-walrus."
"Ah! Those are our two team-mates! Chu the Unseen and Oswaldo the dim-witted Techno-walrus."

-"Should we untie Mu?"
"I don't see why."

-"What you people did to Mu is very wrong...  you should always tie a wizard's hands BEHIND his back."
"He didn't look like enough of a threat for that."

-Oswaldo has another sphere from the Time Dinosaurs, like the one they had tried to give to Bill.  The dinosaur hologram is unintelligible as always, except to Roman who for some reason seems to be able to understand Dinosaur.
"You're supposed to go to a place called the Maze of Corners, and restore a device that will heal the time rifts and banish the Dimension Bugs."

-Mu, pissed off at everyone else and wanting nothing to do with the quest, heads back to the library, his hands still tied. Along the way he's mugged; the muggers tie up his legs, and he crawls the rest of the way to the library. He's then humiliated by a pageboy, who then threatens him not to tell Grezlor.
"Snitches get stitches!"

-Heidi snitches on the Viking Wizard to Grizlor.
"Heidi here said you're a looter..."
"Actually, Morris told me."
"So it was Morris who snitched! And where's Morris now?"
"Witness protection."

-"Heidi, you did the right thing there. I'm disgusted with you."

-When the whole gang heads to the Dancing Harpy, they finally find the last member of the alternate-timeline party: Morris. Cool guy Morris. Charismatic and quick-witted Morris. Every woman swoons over him and every man wants to be him. Minds snap.

-"I'm sorry it's.. it's just so different."
"Your Morris is different?"
"He's... special."
"Special like in the way that Oswaldo is kind of 'special'?"
"Well, also that kind of special, yes."

-After an insane night of drinking and watching alt-timeline Morris be incredibly cool, Heidi wakes up the next morning with a killer hangover, in a bed with the tavern owner, the tavern owner's attractive wife, and Morris!

-"You know, this Morris is just TOO awesome. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'd rather have the other Morris."
"I guess we'll have to ask Heidi who he'd rather have, now."

-Tonut wakes up, with a killer hangover, in the monkey cage in the market, with Oswaldo next to him. He vaguely recalls Heidi losing them in a bet. He also very vaguely recalls Oswaldo asking him a bunch of strange questions about Bill the Elf.
"Oswaldo, you're not as dumb as you look, are you?"
"I'm real smartie!"
"Hey, don't worry man, whatever your secret is, I won't tell."
"That's good because snitches get stitches."

-The PCs, being complete assholes, insist on showing Cool Morris the regular crappy-timeline Morris.
"I... my god... I don't know if I want to try to help him, or just smother him to death!"
"He's even worse when he's conscious."
"The good news is that they should restore function to at least 70% of his ass!"
"I guess we should accept it. We really are the Darkest Timeline."


-Thanks to Grizlor's research, the team learns how to get to the Maze of Corners. They have to go through the Gate of Secrets. They get a shuttle and of course Cool Morris is a crack pilot.
"Wait.. if we're the real timeline, and Morris vanishes when we fix all this, how will we get back? None of us can pilot the ship!"
"Honestly, let's hope we're not the real ones."

-It turns out that the Gate of Secrets requires that you reveal a secret to cross through. Tonut reveals that he hears strange whisperings in his head about Ekim's Mystical Mask. Heidi reveals that he wishes he could have violated the dead sky-nazi.

-The party enters the maze of corners, encountering a large gelatinous cube.
"I shoot it!"
"Does the cube have anything inside it?"
"Just a bullet."

-"I will start using Second Sight now, to guide us through the maze."
"I had thought of getting locate object, but it's fairly pointless with you on our team, Ack'basha."
"When I was younger, I thought I could control ants. Then I realized they were controlling me!"
"Oh, Chu!"

-The party encounters, along the way, some more Dimension Bugs, a dead Fishman (possibly from yet another alternate timeline) with a vial of poison, and a cool-looking spear hidden under a pile of garbage.

-"I'm a pretty shitty wizard."
"Don't be so hard on yourself, Mu. You can be anything you set your mind to!"
"I really don't like you, Cool Morris."

-They find the room with the device. With the room seemingly empty, Chu the Unseen goes in first to check for traps. Just as he says it's all clear, two gigantic pincers reach down from the ceiling and attack him!

-Mu ends up saving the day, by emptying his whole AK-47 into the Dimension Bug Queen.
"See, Mu? I told you that you could do it!"
"Stop annoying me, Cool Morris!"

-"The real lesson of this session is that we should learn to appreciate our Morris for what he is: a fucking disaster."

-Ack'Basha and Heidi activate the machine at the same time. Space-time is repaired, and Ack'basha and his team vanish.
"Great, now how the fuck do we get out of here?"

-The Time Dinosaurs show up, and rescue the PCs. Unfortunately, instead of dropping them off in Lol, they drop them off in an office building somewhere else.
"Who the hell are you people?"
"Who are you? And where am I?"
"I'm City Officer Swanlee, and you're in Highbay."

And on that bombshell, we leave you for today. Stay tuned for more good fun in our next report!


Currently Smoking: Lorenzetti Poker + H&H's Chestnut

(April 28, 2017)
LION & DRAGON: Medieval-Authentic OSR Roleplaying is available now! You only THINK you've played 'medieval fantasy' until you play L&D.

My Blog:
The most famous uruguayan gaming blog on the planet!

Check out my short OSR supplements series; The RPGPundit Presents!

Dark Albion: The Rose War! The OSR fantasy setting of the history that inspired Shakespeare and Martin alike.
Also available in Variant Cover form!
Also, now with the CULTS OF CHAOS cult-generation sourcebook

Arrows of Indra: The Old-School Epic Indian RPG!
NOW AVAILABLE: AoI in print form

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DCC Campaign Log
« Reply #97 on: May 14, 2018, 04:52:41 AM »
DCC Campaign Update: We've Been at Least Semi-Heroic!

When we left off, the PCs (well, Tonut the cleric, Heidi the pacifist warrior, and Mu the wizard) ended up having been transported by the Time Dinosaurs to Highbay (a place well-known to the players, but not to any of their current characters).  There, they met Chief Officer Swanlee.


-Bill's player, bereft of Bill due to his having been turned into a Sezrekhan Zombie on an isolated asteroid, is leveling up one of his backup characters.
"So with those stats, you can either be a wizard, or totally incompetent; it's wide open!"
"Or I could be an incompetent wizard, like the Fishman!"
"That will be determined by your random selection of spells."

-Swanlee is trying to make sense of the people who just teleported out of nowhere into his office, an event that he handles with his usual deadpan aplomb.
"So you're a cleric? But a traditional cleric, right? Not one of the Ackbashian Jihad?"
"The what now??"

-"Are you people associated with Bill the Elf?"
"...define 'associated'?"

-"Have any of you ever done a job where you had to investigate criminal activity?"
"That depends, does introspection count?"

-Swanlee immediately decides to take advantage of the presence of these random adventurers, hiring them to investigate the latest criminal activity in Highbay: someone has been producing and distributing huge amounts of counterfeit Smithplium pieces!
"What's Smithplium?"
"How can you not know that? It's been around for thousands of years!"

-"So it's Fools' Smithplium?"

-"You might have to do some undercover work to find the counterfeiters."
"That's ok, we've seen the Sky-Nazis do it, they're experts."
"It won't be that hard for you three, you'll blend in readily with the local criminal element."
"I should be offended by that, but it's probably true."

-"So what's the Ackbashian Jihad?"
"Before his death, Ack'basha had founded a cult here. They got progressively weirder after he died, and have recently become violently fanatical, in a religious war against the Halconlords, who are a kind of rival cult."
"The Halconlords?"
"Yes. They've conquered everything between Goldhalcon and Highbay."
"How did they manage that?"
"They've got a local leader; her name's Lady Halcon."
"Oh fuck, you guys... Sandy's alive!"

-"Officer Swanlee, have you had anyone in your city become a kind of brainless zombie that keeps saying 'all is Sezrekhan'?"
"Yes, there have been a couple of incidents of that."
"We call it SezrekAIDS."
"Was Bill the elf somehow responsible for that?"
"Not really. Wait, yes he was."

-"Does my jetpack have a limited supply of fuel?"
"Effectively, not really; the jetpack's fission core will work for thousands of years."
"Of course, your jetpack is probably thousands of years old.."
"Don't worry, it'll probably outlast you."
"Yeah, it should last for the next few weeks."

-Tonut the Cleric (who was formerly Tonut the blacksmith) figures out that the counterfeit smithplium pieces have a certain amount of guano content. He figures this out immediately after licking one.

-"I like how Swanlee takes everything in stride."
"I have the feeling Swanlee long since ran out of shits to give."

-Meanwhile, we are reintroduced to Kumar. He ran with Ack'basha's group the last time they were in Highbay, but stayed behind. He opened up a little curry shack, frequented mainly by the small Bharata community based here. Being a former warrior-caste Kshatriya (turned former wizard) he doesn't actually know how to cook, but instead he has hired a vaishya (a merchant-caste) girl named Priya to cook for him. And to join him in spontaneous Bollywood musical numbers.
"Oh how I love Kumar, but we can never be together for we are of different castes!"
"I secretly love Priya but our love cannot be, but we are united by curry and song!"

-Priya has disappeared in the night. Unbeknownst to anyone, she had gone out to do some industrial spying on their curry shack's biggest competition, the massively successful chain of Bharatan Spicy Tender Pork Tacos, which have been stealing away their customers and leading them to bankruptcy.
Ujay, Priya's older brother and guardian, has come angrily accusing Kumar of having taken her, but he has no idea what's going on.

-The rest of the PC party, heading to the docks, runs into a tough looking ranger-type guy that looks a bit like Aragorn.
"Well met, sirs!"
"Oh shit, this guy is probably going to have another side quest for us.."
"You look like a hale and hearty group of heroes.."
" it comes.."
"Would you be interested in buying some weed?"
"Oh. Right. I forgot this was Highbay."


-In this detour, the party is interrupted by Ujay and Kumar's shouting match and general action/drama/romance Bollywood scene.

-"I have an idea. Perhaps if you start a musical number about how much you love Priya but your romance is doomed, she'll start singing back, wherever she is. We might be able to hear it?"
"That's retarded."
"I will try!"
"I rolled a natural 20 on my perception check."
"Wow. I can't believe that worked. OK, Tonut, you can hear shrill Hindi singing in the distance."

-The party finds that Priya is being held inside a large shipping complex in the port. Roger, the weed salesman who mistakenly looked like a ranger, points out that the warehouse is owned by a group of Vulturemen merchants.
"Wait.. vulturemen? Like, the sort of vulturemen that produce guano?"
"I suppose."
"The plot is coming together..."


-Seeing that Priya is being held in a top-floor accessible by a window, Heidi and Tonut fly up there with Tonut's jetpack.
"Hello! We are here to rescue you."
"Yes, but really we're here to stop the counterfeiting vulturemen. You're actually incidental, like a side-quest."
"No, you are the incidental ones sir. I am the female romantic lead!"

-While they're skulking in an alley awaiting the results of the rescue mission, Mu, Kumar, Ujay and Roger are attacked by a group of Boatswine and some guys in restaurant uniforms.
"They are employees of Bharatan Spicy Tender Pork Tacos!"

-The fight looks tricky for the PCs, but then Mu uses his greatest power, by throwing a grenade.
"Grenades are my fireballs!"

-While Heidi stays in the warehouse to investigate, Tonut flies Priya to the safety of a nearby rooftop.
"Please sir, you have to help my brother and my beloved Kumar! They are being attacked!"
"You will help them sir, or I will star to sing again!"
"Ok, ok, I'm going!"

-While the rest of the party is being surrounded on both sides by Boatswine and fast-food employees, Heidi is still in the top floor of the warehouse. He had hidden himself in a supply closet, and got a rope to climb down.
"I'll do a mighty deed to climb it all the way down in one round."
"Ok. You fail, and fall 40'."
"Well, I told you I'd get down in one round!"

-Tonut attempts Divine Aid but fails.
"Now you can't heal anyone more than once for the rest of the day."
"Ha! Like he was planning to heal anyone anyways."
"You guys, I have some bad news: G.O.D. doesn't want to strike these guys down, and Obamacare has been repealed!"

-Upon Priya's shrill high-pitched insistence after watching her brother Ujay get slaughtered by taco-vendors, Tonut flies down and scoops up Kumar to save him.
"Sir you have robbed me of my moment of glory!"
"Do you want to go back?"
"I will consider it, but for now keep flying!"

-"Kumar you must listen to me, I have seen something terrible!"
"I know, you were a prisoner, it must have been awful."
"No, it is what the Vulturemen are doing in there!"
"We know, they're making counterfeit Smithplium with their poop."
"Maybe so but that is not what is horrifying either."

-"Just tell us, damn it, or do you want me to send you back to the pigmen?"
"Do you want me to sing again sir??"
"What we have here is what they call a Bollywood stand-off"

-"Bharatan Spicy Tender Pork Tacos is people!!!"

"Yes, they are importing Bharatan children and using them for meat!"
"Oh gross. I ate one!"

-It might be a coincidence, but apparently the Bharatan derogatory word for a 'barbarian' is "Bill".

-Shops in Highbay have their own particular thematic.
"Yes, this is a drug store. We also sell a bit of medicine."

-Heidi was separated from the rest of the group.
"You just abandoned us all!"
"I want to note that as far as any of the other PCs know, Heidi is still trapped inside the warehouse and they all just left him there."

-The Vulturemen want to try to stop Priya and the PCs from revealing the terrible truth to Swanlee about what they've been doing all over the region.  So a couple of vulturemen go personally to try to kill them before they can get to city hall. Tonut takes Priya and flies on ahead with his jetpack. Kumar stays behind and fights one, killing it with magic, but also leaving a side-effect of a mini-eclipse in an area of the central market that will last several days.

-"My brother he is dead, what will become of me now??"
"You could just fuck Kumar."
"No that cannot ever be, because although I am madly in love with him, we are of different castes!"
"No one cares."
"Kumar cares, because he is oh so very noble!"
"Pretty sure he's not.."

-Tonut flies down to the guards at the entrance to city hall.
"Whoa... are you Iron Man?"


-They get to Swanlee's office.
"Bharatan Spicy Tender Pork Tacos are made from captive Bharatan children!"
"Oh god, I've been eating one of those for lunch every day for nearly a year!"

-"There are very few things illegal in Highbay. But illicit transportation of children for the purposes of cannibalism happens to be one of them! Round up the guard!"

-"I do not like you priest! You have defiled your Brahmin vows!"
"I did?"
"You have a girlfriend! You have slept with a woman!"
"Well, I didn't say I actually slept with her.. yet."
"Ha ha! Tonut's  never slept with a woman!"

-The PCs and about 50 Highbay guards head back to the warehouse, where they're confronted by a small army of Vulturemen, Boatswine, and dozens of Taco-stand employees fighting for their jobs.
"You're against free enterprise"
"Ayn Rand was right, we SHOULD eat the young!"

-Mu lets loose on the enemy with his AK-47
"So wait, if grenades are your substitute for fireballs, is the AK-47 your answer to Magic Missile?"
"...more or less."
"You really are an awful wizard."

-Seeing the Boatswine being slaughtered by the guard, the taco-stand employees lose their morale check and run.
"This isn't worth my minimum-wage salary!"

-The PCs realize that there's several Boatswine junk-barges sailing out into the port. Tonut and Heidi fly up there, and slice at their sails.
Then Tonut does a Divine Aid to crack their hulls, and they start to sink.

-Then the PCs notice that in mid-fight the warehouse is on fire! Presumably, with the children still inside.
Tonut and Heidi heroically ram the door, but it turns out to be much harder than they thought at first. They fall flat on their asses.


-They manage to break in eventually, and fine that the flames have not yet reached the cages where about 200 Bharatan children are being held.

-As for the others, Mu is too cowardly to go inside, while Kumar's spellcasting has had the mercurial effect of reducing him to a primitive state.
"Fire Bad!!"

-Mu does decide to strategically place a grenade on one of the walls, hoping it will help dispel the fire. It ends up causing half the building to collapse. Not, luckily, the half the children were in; but now the whole building is not just on fire but on the verge of collapsing entirely!
"Wow. Good thing I made my luck roll!"

-Thanks to the +4 mace breaking open the cages, Heidi and Tonut get the kids out safely just before the whole warehouse falls.

-Kumar, recovered, gives the 200 Bharatan orphan children to Priya.
"This is my gift to you Priya, for we can never be married as we are of different castes. But now you will have these children, for you to open many franchises of your curry business!"
"I will use them for children labor, as is the traditional Bharatan way!"
"We will celebrate with a great curry feast!"
"Yes, the children will cook for us!"

-"Hey, do you realize that without Bill around, we've actually succeeded at two quests in a row?"
"I know, it's weird."
"And we've been at least semi-heroic!"
"Yeah, aside from the child labor."

-"You guys are still better than Bill the Elf."
"That's a low bar, Swanlee."
"I know."

With that, the session ends. As per their agreement, Swanlee lets them keep several thousand counterfeit smithplium pieces (after Tonut uses his power armor to bring them up from the sunken Vulturemen ships). And he'll provide them with an escort to the tower of the Azure Wizards, where the party hopes the wizards can help them get back to the city of Lol.

Stay tuned next week for more DCC misadventures!


Currently Smoking: Brigham Anniversary + Image Latakia

(May 14, 2017)
LION & DRAGON: Medieval-Authentic OSR Roleplaying is available now! You only THINK you've played 'medieval fantasy' until you play L&D.

My Blog:
The most famous uruguayan gaming blog on the planet!

Check out my short OSR supplements series; The RPGPundit Presents!

Dark Albion: The Rose War! The OSR fantasy setting of the history that inspired Shakespeare and Martin alike.
Also available in Variant Cover form!
Also, now with the CULTS OF CHAOS cult-generation sourcebook

Arrows of Indra: The Old-School Epic Indian RPG!
NOW AVAILABLE: AoI in print form

The new Diceless RPG of multiversal power, adventure and intrigue, now available.


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DCC Campaign Log
« Reply #98 on: May 29, 2018, 11:03:19 PM »
DCC Campaign Update: This Has Become a Very Ass-Focused Adventure

In our last session, the PCs had managed to break up a massive counterfeiting/child-trafficking/cannibalism ring in Highbay.  As such, Chief City Officer Swanlee agreed to provide the party an escort to get to the Azure Tower, where they hoped the Azure wizards would help them to get back to the high-orbit floating city of Lol.


-A new masochist/player has joined! His 0-level dudes: a green mutant pageboy, a human weed farmer (with a chicken), and a weird domino mutant who's half black and half-white like those aliens from the original star trek... except he has huge claws for hands.

-"Does G.O.D. accept drugs for sacrifices?"
"Well, he doesn't accept rations, so... no."

-Tonut is trying to sell a valuable bracelet he has on him, to get some smaller denominations of cash to use as sacrifice to lower his disapproval.
"I'll give you 1200 smithplium pieces for it."
"I won't take less than 1750."
"ok, how about 1000 smithplium that aren't counterfeit?"

-"I'm giving you an escort formed from the best conscript guards that could be randomly selected by lottery."

-Aside from the three newbies, who are conscript guards, plus the chicken, the escort also includes a joking sergeant, and a sullen captain.
"Hey you guys, ask the Captain his last name!"
"Shut up, sergeant!"
"Seriously, you guys, ask him!"
"Ok, now we have to know."
"What's that? We couldn't hear you?"
"It's Richard."
"Ask him his last name!"
"It's Obvious, alright?! I'm Captain Richard Obvious!"
"Haha, he's Captain Obvious!"

-"So what's your name, Sergeant?"
"Yeah, but your given name?"
"No, that's it. I'm Sergeant Sargent"
"That's it? That's all he gets?!"

-Meanwhile, up in the city of Lol, Morris has finally regained consciousness!
"We have good news and bad news for you."
"Well, the good news is that we managed to remove the explosive probe the Guardian Robots implanted you with."
"And the bad news?"
"Well, we could only save 53% of your ass."
"Well, it's not so bad! We've managed to replace the 47% you'd lost with a Cyborg Ass."

-"What happened to the Viking Wizard?"
"My best friend, the Viking Wizard!"
"Do you mean Vladik? He's on the council now."
"My best friend is on the council??"
"Funny, he's never mentioned you."

-"Wow.. my best friend is on the High Council of Wizards!"
"He's not your best friend you imbecile, he charmed you!"

-Roman puts Morris on a shuttlecraft, with orders to investigate a barren asteroid called Gebo, which was the last known location of the Hippomagus, and later to go down to the surface to see if he can find the rest of the PCs, who never returned from their last mission.
"So how do I fly this thing?"
"According to this, sir, your ass is a fully licensed shuttle pilot."

-As expected, when he gets into the pilot seat, his ass starts to talk, giving him instructions on how to fly.
"He's literally flying off his ass!"

-"So um.. ass.. can you.."
"*Wait! ASS Calibrating!*"

-"*Attention! ASS Sensors detecting two lifeforms on the asteroid!*"

-The two lifeforms are of course Yarr the Halfling and Bill the Elf.  Bill is still a Sezrekhan Zombie, and for the past week he's been slowly chasing Yarr around the asteroid while she evades him and has managed to survive by eating her large supply of packaged peanuts.
"The thing about this campaign is that eventually, you will look back at the time you were trapped on this abandoned asteroid with fondness."

-"So is Morris' ass our new BOLT-0?"

-Yarr sees Morris' shuttle land and rushes toward it.
"Come with me if you want to live!"

-On the advice of Morris' ass, Yarr and Morris rush out of there, rather than face the zombie-Bill. They fly down toward the surface, as Morris' ass follows a tracking device that Roman had secretly planted on one of the other PCs. As they're heading down, the shuttle is suddenly hit by a lightning bolt, presumably from a nearby group of Halconlords.

-The PCs along with Captain Obvious and his guards see the shuttle going down. Tonut flies up to the shuttle and rescue Yarr and Morris before it crashes.
"Whoever shot down that vessel will be coming soon."
"Well, obviously, captain!"

-"I had been sent by these dinosaur guys to Gebo, where Bill was there. He killed the cat-wizard."
"Wait... do you mean Bill the Elf?"
"Ok, maybe."

-"*ASS Calibrating!*"
"Morris..did your pants just talk to us?"
"Oh yeah, look at this guys!"
"Why is he exposing himself to us?"
"He does that sometimes."

-To avoid fighting the Halconlords, the party turns south, near the edge of the Badlands. As they're marching, a few of them (making a perception check) notice they're about to be ambushed by a group of small humanoids.
"They could be kobolds, or goblins, or halflings.."
"That's racist!"
"Actually, your people are famous for ambushing people, Yarr."

-The ambushers turned out to be goblins; after beating them off, they decide to keep marching into the night, worried that the Halconlords might still be on their tail. Finally, very late into the night, they stop to rest.
"Someone should keep watch."
"Not me, my disapproval is huge and I need my G.O.D.-forgiveness rest."
"I need to heal."
"I've been chased by zombie-Bill for a week!"

-"Can I sleep with my jetpack on?"
"No. Well, yes.. but you'd probably fly into a mountain or something."

-"*ASS Calibrating!*"
"Damn it, it's the middle of the night!"
"Ass, can you just keep guard for us? You know, ass-guard?"

-"What are you calibrating, anyways??"
"*That information is classified!*"

-"At the next rest-stop, Morris takes a crap. Is it normal?"
"More or less. There's a 'ping' noise at the end, and your turd is a perfect cube."

-"Ass, can you calibrate on mute?"
"*I could, but why would I?*"

-"While you're all discussing Morris' ass, do a perception check."

-It turns out the PCs perceive that they're about to get attacked by a bunch of giant bees!


-"Captain Obvious is being pretty heroic."
"Those bees will likely sting us!"
"..still obvious, though."
"They will sting like that curry I ate yesterday!"

-"You bunch of children! An ass starts to talk and all of a sudden you're all immature."
"It was your idea!"
"Oh sure, blame the GM for all this!"

-"After beating those bees, the newbies are just 7xp away from one of them being actually relevant!"

-"I wonder if 'Ass' is his name, or some kind of an acronym?"

-"Ass... status report?"
"*ASS is fully operational, other than being attached to an imbecile*"

-That night, while Mu and Yarr are keeping watch, an Owlbear jumps down from a tree right on Mu!
"You all wake up from the screams; mainly Mu's, but also the Owlbear."

-They manage to kill off the owlbear, but Mu probably won't ever look at trees the same way.

-Kumar decides to make the owlbear remains into a delicious curry.

-"There are still Halconlord patrols in this area of the forest, be careful."
"I have an idea! What if we burn down the forest to get rid of the patrols?"
"We're IN the forest, dude."


-Next night, an Ogre sneaks to the camp, takes down the weed farmer and starts putting him into a sack. The other PCs notice.
"Me only want this one!"
"That's almost reasonable."

-They decide to fight the ogre anyways, and Publio the pageboy manages to stab the ogre to death, right through the ass.
"*warning! Alert mode activated! Ass-stabbing occurring in proximity!*"
"man, this has become a very ass-focused adventure."

-A night later, the PCs are attacked at night again, stealthily, by huge blood-sucking bugs. They manage to get onto Captain Obvious and Sergeant Sargent, already starting to drain their blood before the PCs finally notice.
Morris accidentally kills Sergeant Sargent, while trying to shoot the bug off him.
"Damn it, Morris! I really liked the Sergeant!"
"*The Sergeant was 70% more likable than Morris!*"
"Et tu, Ass?"

-Everyone is sad about the Sergeant's death, except for Captain Obvious.
"well, I hated him."
"Yes, that was obvious."

-"Our humor here is always so offensive."
"Captain Obvious points out that non-offensive humor is usually boring."

-Finally, the PCs make it to the Azure Tower! The Azure Wizards are not very interested in anything the PCs have to say.. until Yarr mentions offhand that she knows where the Sunstaff is.

-"My ass is awesome!"

-"So captain, will you join our party now?"
"I've come to see that it's obvious that whatever you're planning to do is very dangerous, so I will not be joining you."
"We never plan to do anything!"

-A slip of the tongue almost gets the group in trouble with the Azure Wizards.
"Are you misgendering the halfling?"
"Oh... no, it's ok, I'm gender-fluid."
"Oh, alright then."

-In spite of having previously mocked the Azure Order for having been a group of gender-indeterminate wizards, Mu now claims he's gender-indeterminate in order to get access to their library to finish studying magic missile. In his defense, one of his spells does make him flip gender when cast.

-"After you have finished your studies, Mu, you should strongly consider joining the order. There are many benefits to being an Azure Wizard!"
"Wait... Mu's a wizard??"

To finish off the session, the Azure Order has agreed to help the PCs, but they have yet another side-quest for them: it turns out there's a large zombie-plague attacking Coolland, and they just got a distress message from Queen Zoey. So if the PCs want a lift back to Lol and help with the Sunstaff-retrieval issue, they'll need to head to Coolland first.


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(May 28, 2017)
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« Reply #99 on: June 05, 2018, 11:32:59 PM »
I haven't been posting links here to the various Last Sun products in the RPGPundit Presents supplement line, but I thought readers might want to know that the newest one, RPGPundit Presents #34, includes an introduction that describes the whole backstory of the world of the Last Sun.
LION & DRAGON: Medieval-Authentic OSR Roleplaying is available now! You only THINK you've played 'medieval fantasy' until you play L&D.

My Blog:
The most famous uruguayan gaming blog on the planet!

Check out my short OSR supplements series; The RPGPundit Presents!

Dark Albion: The Rose War! The OSR fantasy setting of the history that inspired Shakespeare and Martin alike.
Also available in Variant Cover form!
Also, now with the CULTS OF CHAOS cult-generation sourcebook

Arrows of Indra: The Old-School Epic Indian RPG!
NOW AVAILABLE: AoI in print form

The new Diceless RPG of multiversal power, adventure and intrigue, now available.


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« Reply #100 on: June 12, 2018, 04:33:19 AM »
New DCC Artifact: The Cyber-Ass of Morris

Those of you keeping track of my DCC campaign will know that Morris the Creep, at present both the second-most-powerful and the second-most-despised party member (in both cases, second to Bill the Elf), had foolishly allowed himself to be probed by the dalek-like Guardian Robots, and implanted with an explosive device.

As of our last adventure, Morris awoke from the Techno-Walrus surgical procedure to "deprobe" him, only to find that while they had successfully removed the huge explosive without triggering it, the operation had lost 47% of Morris' ass.  Fortunately, the Techno-walruses had managed to devise a new Cybernetic Ass to replace the almost-half of Morris' natural ass that he'd lost.  This cyber-ass went on to demonstrate a significant number of interesting qualities in the last session.

So, in answer to what absolutely no one demanded, I now present to you all, the statistics for Morris' Ass!:

The Cyber-ASS of Morris

Init: +0

Atk: none, when attached to organic host, except that it is capable of electrocuting its organic host at will or on command from its programmer. If it does so the host must make a DC15 FORT save or fall unconscious for 1d12 hours. The ass can only attempt to electrocute its host 3 times in a day, after which it must spend 12 hours in "sleep mode" to restore its power reserves.
When detached to its organic host, the cyber-ASS is capable of producing and attacking with (at +2 melee) a retractable vibro-blade that does 1d4+1 damage. This vibroblade could retract while attached to the ass' host but it would retract INTO the host, causing the host 1d4+1 damage to the host each round the blade remained extended.

AC:16 (if the host is wearing butt-covering armor with an AC higher than 16, use that instead)

HD: 30 hit points  (the ASS requires at least a "cyberpunk-level" tech workshop to repair damage)
If the ASS is attached to a live host and reaches 0 hit points, the host will begin to die from organ failure. He will lose 1 (temporary) CON every two hours until he dies or until the ASS is repaired or some substitute for it is acquired.

MV: none while attached. If detached from its host, the cyber-ASS can extend six spider-like legs and move on its own at a rate of 30' per round.

Act: 1d20

Special: Can attach itself to a human or other humanoid organic that has lost 47% of their ass, or has it removed for the purpose of symbiosis with the ASS.  Once attached, the ASS could not be detached without killing the host (unless highly advanced medical-tech or magical-healing facilities were involved in the process).
The ASS can speak in any language known to the Techno-Walri of Lol (which includes all standard languages of the world of the Last Sun). It is also equipped with sensors that allow it to detect life forms in a 30-mile radius around it and identify them by general type (eg. "human", "red mutant", "scotsman", "ocelot", "giant ocelot", "ocelot with top hat", etc.).
The Ass is also programmed with a wide variety of knowledge skills important to the Techno-Walrus culture, including flying and navigating skyships, mechanical and electrical repairs, operating computers (the ass is also equipped with an extension-cord attachment for connecting directly to standard ancienttech-descended computer systems and has a +6 hacking bonus), or heavy weapons targeting. It also has a GPS tracking system.
However, the ASS is an artificial intelligence and is not required to obey orders from its host (unless its host is also its original programmer), and will only be as helpful as it chooses to be depending on its judgment of its host's intelligence and personality and based on reactions to the interactions between the ASS and its host.
While attached to a host, the ASS will be required to "calibrate" once every 1d6 hours. When it is doing so, it will loudly proclaim "ASS Calibrating!", even if at an inconvenient moment. It is not actually required to make said declaration but it will usually do so unless there is an extremely good reason not to (for example, if making the announcement out loud would be immediately dangerous to the ASS itself).
The ASS can operate independently of a host body but it will require either access to a plug-in energy source or to attach to a new host within 3d24 hours, or it will run out of power and become inoperative until recharged or attached.  While attached to a host it does not require any separate power supply.

Saves:  Fort +4   Ref:n/a if attached, +1 if operating independently  Will:+6

AL: Neutral Freak

That's it for today! Let me know if in the future you want more such glimpses into the details of my crazy DCC Last Sun setting.


Currently Smoking: Lorenzetti Solitario Egg + Gawith's Navy Flake
LION & DRAGON: Medieval-Authentic OSR Roleplaying is available now! You only THINK you've played 'medieval fantasy' until you play L&D.

My Blog:
The most famous uruguayan gaming blog on the planet!

Check out my short OSR supplements series; The RPGPundit Presents!

Dark Albion: The Rose War! The OSR fantasy setting of the history that inspired Shakespeare and Martin alike.
Also available in Variant Cover form!
Also, now with the CULTS OF CHAOS cult-generation sourcebook

Arrows of Indra: The Old-School Epic Indian RPG!
NOW AVAILABLE: AoI in print form

The new Diceless RPG of multiversal power, adventure and intrigue, now available.


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« Reply #101 on: June 18, 2018, 03:26:56 AM »
DCC Campaign Report: Most of the Guards are Playing With Fidget-Spinners

At the end of our last session, our stalwart non-heroes had managed to get to the Azure Tower, only to have the Azure Order magicians send them off on a whole other side-quest; this time to save Coolland from a zombie invasion.


-Before leaving the Azure Tower, Mu finishes studying his new spell, making use of the Spinal Fluid of Drewmij to successfully learn Magic Missile.
"I bet he was just telling you that was 'spinal fluid'!"
"Hey, if it gives me +2 to learning a spell I'll drink any of his fluids!"

-Publio the page is broke and sorely lacking in equipment, so he tries to sell his services as a page.
"Where would we even send a message? The town is tiny and there isn't another settlement for days that isn't full of cannibals!"

-"Why don't you just make like a leaf and go away?"
"That's not how that phrase goes. It's 'why don't you make like a tree and go away'!"

-Publio leveled up as a Warrior, but doesn't have that many hit points.
"Well, Mu is pretty robust for a wizard!"
"You mean chubby; Mu is pretty chubby for a wizard!"
"You mean fatass; Mu is a fatass!"

-Since there's a gigantic horde of thousands of zombies between the tower and Coolland, the Azure Wizards decide to teleport the PCs to Coolland. Unfortunately, on their first try they fumble the spell, and all the PCs weapons disappear, teleported to an unknown location.
"Son of a bitch!"
"We had plasma rifles!"
"My grenades!"
"You fuckers owe me a +4 mace!"

-On their second try, the Azure Wizards manage to teleport the PCs, but not to Coolland's capital. Instead, they end up in the coastal city of Minaj.
"Can we contact the Azure Wizards?"
"I don't think so."

-"So this is not the capital?"
"No, adventurers. For all we know, the city of Gaga may have been overrun."

-The commander of Minaj's militia, currently making preparations in case the zombie army comes that way, is the old peasant woman/minotaur-slayer Elsa.

-The PCs decide to risk the overland journey to Gaga.
"Will you come with us, Elsa?"
"Niet. Elsa will stay, protect village. Make up for time when all Elsa's old village in Old Country was all killed. This time if Elsa here, maybe only half this village die!"
"That's progress..."
"In Old Country, that is Miracle!"

-"Mr. Old Woman, what was the source of these zombies?"
"It is from time ago, when Queen Zoey uncle try to take over kingdom. Other group of adventurers, led by Bill Elf, they go in forest and Bill Elf make great toxic cloud that kill whole army.  Zombies are whole army."
"So this is Bill the Elf's fault?"
"In Old Country, we have saying: Fuck Bill Elf!"
"I think a lot of countries have that saying."

-"Uncle Evil of Queen Zoey return and send zombie army that Bill Elf killed."
"Is the uncle a zombie too?"
"Not sure. If he was vampire then Elsa could help. Elsa was vampire slayer in Old Country."
"How many vampires have you actually killed?"
"One. How many you kill?"
"Ok, never mind."

-Tonut the Cleric shows off his flying armor, as Tonut tends to do.
"Oh, he is Rocket Red, like from Old Country!"


-The PCs say goodbye to Elsa and start on their way to Gaga.  Soon they encounter what they at first think is a zombie.  They send Publio to bash its head in, but it turns out to be Heidi, who they had last seen at Highbay. They discover it's Heidi when he pulls a gun on the ex-pageboy just as Publio was about to bash his skull.

-"He can talk!"
"Yes, Heidi usually does that."
"You knew it was me?!"
"Yeah, we wanted to see what happened, though."

-It turns out that when Heidi was in Highbay, he went sightseeing and ended up in The Factory, where a group of artistic weirdos drugged him, and he ended up posing in a series of pictures with a Yak, some naked women and a land-octopus.


-"What happened to all your weapons??"
"We have shovels now. If you don't have a shovel it means you're just square."
"Ok, fine, I was going to share some of my five weapons but since you're all happy with shovels..."

-"Who's the kid that tried to kill me?"
"That's Publio the page. He wants to be a warrior. We're training him wrong as a joke."

-Continuing on, the PCs end up running into a sort-of "adventurer" named Gilbert. They immediately identify him as a kind of con-artist more than an adventurer.
"In the Shithole we used to eat people like you."

-"Tonight I will cook us a nice curry!"
"Oh! I love curry! Back in Gaga there was this shop called Spicy Bharatan Tender Pork Tacos, and they were fantastic. So authentic! But then they mysteriously closed.."
"They were making their tacos from mutant children."
"Yeah. You ate mutant children."
"Oh my god!!"
"They were poor children.."
"That's even worse, I don't know where they'd been!"

-"I'm from the Shithole. I'm not going to make a big fuss about having eaten children."
"Well, if you're from the Shithole it's probably not the first time you did that. Or the worst thing you ever ate."

-"Do you guys even have any idea how you plan to deal with the zombie army??"
"We need a bomb."
"There's a LOT of plans in this campaign that just come down to making a big explosion happen..."

-The party encounters a small zombie raiding party.
"Huh, what? A duck?"
"No, attack!"
"Oh, that's much worse!"

-The zombies appear to be strays, unfortunately-undead local coollanders  dressed in adult male rompers.
"Nothing of value was lost."

-Kumar accidentally fumbles his chill touch attack, and ends up chill touching himself.
"Does he go blind?"
"He will if he keeps doing that."

-"Well, that was a really successful first round of combat: not one zombie was even slightly injured, and Kumar chill-touched himself."

-Gilbert runs away after that first round, only to come back and act all heroic when there's only 1 zombie left alive.

-Publio fumbles his attack, breaking Heidi's borrowed spear.
"Oh that's OK, that's only the spear my father gave to me!"

-With the zombie still alive, Gilbert tries to run away again, only to have the zombie strike him down. The zombie dies right after.
"Hey great, I've got a new spear!"
"You mean I have a new spear, right?"
"Can I have my shovel back?"

-"Do you want your father's broken spear back, Heidi?"
"You really are ingratiating yourself into this party, Publio."

-The next day the party proceeds along a large-ish river; they see tons of zombies (mostly orc zombies, but also some Coollanders) milling about on the other side.
"They can't cross the river, its no problem."
"Those ones over there seem to be doing something..."
"It.. it looks like they're chopping wood?"
"They're building a bridge."
"Oh shit."

-Realizing that the zombies are definitely being guided by some kind of superior intelligence, Tonut and Heidi fly up above them and try to talk to their master. The zombies all respond in unison:
"You may speak!"
"Are you Uncle Evil?"

-"I am the rightful ruler of Coolland, Duke of Abstinence, Chosen One of the Lord of Blood and Fire!"
"Hey Tonut, he's like you, an asshat!"
"You realize we're 200' up and I'm carrying you, right?"

-"My zombie army will cross into Coolland, take the city of Gaga, and bathe its streets with blood!"
"And fire?"
"And fire!"

-"Cool, but could you teleport us to Lol?"
"Dude, he's the bad guy!"
"We've never been totally clear as a party on that whole good/evil divide.."
"Yeah, and remember, this is just a stupid side-quest!"

-"Who is it you're seeking revenge against, Duke?"
"My niece 'queen' Zoey, and Bill the Elf!"
"We know where Bill is!"
"Yeah, we'll totally give him to you."

-"Bring me Bill the Elf and I will teleport you!"
"We need to teleport in order to get to Bill the Elf!"
"We have quite the catch-22 going, don't we?"

-"Ok, here's the plan: we tell the Duke we'll capture his niece for him, then we'll put Publio in a bag."
"What? No!"
"GM question: do any of you actually HAVE a bag?"
"We'll get a bag in Gaga."
"We should probably get a dress for Publio too. You know, to make it believable."
"I don't want to do this!"
"Look at it this way, Publio, have you ever gotten to spend time inside a bag before? It's a new opportunity."

-"Duke, we'll bring you your niece!"
" a bag.."
"In a bag! But we have to present her to you personally!"
"because... we want to meet you! You're pretty famous."
"Also, we want to be sure you follow through and teleport us."
"Oh yeah, also, this kid we have with us that looks a bit like a princess won't be coming back with us, so don't suspect anything if he's not with us when we return."

-"Wait sirs, is it not the case in fact that Mu can change into a girl?"
"Kumar is right!"
"Yes it is true sir!"
"OK, new plan!"

-"Actually, Duke, the kid will be coming back with us after all, but not the wizard, he's got other things to do!"
"I hate you guys so much.."

-"So when we give him Mu, he will teleport us?"
"No, we're going to kill him."
"Wait, Kumar, you thought you were going to just give me to him??"

-"I'm just happy I won't have to crossdress anymore!"
"Actually you sound a little disappointed."

-The PCs finally get to Gaga.
"Who goes there?"
"Did Gilbert send you?"
"Uh, yeah, sure."
"Sergeant, the adventurers are here!"

-The glitterati of Gaga all come out to see the PCs. Queen Zoey is there, as is the hip young handsome prime minister, Zoe's attendants Emily the elf and Queen Priscilla of the Grey Realms, the court wizard (the only old person in all of Coolland), and of course, Queen Zoey's head of security, Harembe the gorilla-man.

-The defenses of Gaga and their army do not look very promising.
"Do you think we could whip them into shape?"
"Most of the guards are playing with fidget-spinners right now."
"So that would be a no."

-Queen Priscilla hasn't become any less annoying.
"You guys all look lame, if only Bill the Elf was here. He was hot for me, we totally did it once."
"Bill did it with.. that thing?"
"Oh man, if only Bill were here!"

-"We have a plan your majesty; our wizard Mu is going to make himself look like you."
"Um.. he doesn't look much like me?"
"Well, he can magically turn himself into a girl."
"Goddamnit, I am a girl right now!"
"Seriously? This is you as a girl?"
"Holy shit you guys that girl is really fucking ugly!"
"Even Priscilla thinks you're ugly, dude."
"That's the pot calling the kettle ugly."

-"Our best plan is still to make Mu look like the queen."
"I have a question: has the Duke gone blind??"

-"I still say we can integrate the zombies."
"You definitely can't."
"In a generation they'll adopt our values!"
"Mr. Prime Minister, they're undead. In a generation, you'll all be zombies!"
"Don't be racist."
"It's not racist, because they're really ugly!"

-"If you want Mu to be able to pass for me, I and my ladies of the court will have to give him a makeover! Guards, seize him!"
"To the makeover room!"
"Will it hurt??"
"Well, the bikini wax will."
"You'll pay for this Tonut!!"

-While Mu is subject to a makeover and a sleepover party with the Queen and her girls, the rest of the PCs get some shopping done.
"We'll want to leave town first thing in the morning; we just spent 12000gp worth of counterfeit smithplium pieces here."
"Yeah, we should definitely leave, and then come back with more fake smithplium pieces!"

-"If you succeed, you'll all be heroes of Coolland!"
"Yeah, and I'll probably do it with one of you!"
"I'd probably do Priscilla."
"Shit, Mu, you have serious serious self-esteem problems."

-Mu's makeover was largely unsuccessful.
"If you put a princess-dress and facepaint on a cow, it'll still look like a cow."

-Along the way back to the zombie horde, Tonut the cleric uses Divine Aid to temporarily change Mu's appearance into a copy of Queen Zoey.

-They find the Zombie horde; with them are a group of Uruk-hai zombie guards, a zombie wizard, the Duke, and a Fire Vampire.

-The Duke is not a zombie, apparently he survived Bill's cloudkill, but suffered horribly disfiguring burns.
"Give me my niece!"
"We will, but only once you lead us to the Blood Gate so we can teleport back to Lol."
"Or the Fire Gate."
"They're the same gate!"

-"My men will take you to the gate, but I will have my niece now!"

-"psst, what's our plan?"
"We kill the Duke."
"He's surrounded by thousands of zombies, his guards, the wizard and the Vampire!"
"I've seen Bill make some bad plans, but this one is just ridiculous."

-While the PCs are busy debating their options, Mu is starting to change back into his usual ugly visage.

-The PCs decide to not give a fuck, and attack.
"Oh man this is not good."
"If Bill was here we wouldn't be in this mess."
"If Bill was here we'd probably be in a bigger mess!"

-"Which one is the Fire Vampire?"
"The Fire Vampire is the one that's on fire."
"I miss Captain Obvious!"

-The Fire Vampire disappears in a puff of fire.
"Not blood?"
"No, this is a fire vampire. There may be a blood vampire somewhere that disappears in a puff of blood."
"So, by 'blood vampire', you mean a vampire, right?"

-"Betrayers! Destroy them all!!"
"Morris sent us!"
"So we're trying to badmouth Morris now?"
"Yeah, Morris is the new Bill."

-The fire vampire reappears next to Tonut, who had obviously taken to the air to save his own life.
"Oh shit, it can fly! G.O.D., Sezrekhan, Nikos, Ack'basha... whoever is up there, save me!"

-Tonut fails his divine aid, but Kumar manages to slay the zombie wizard, which causes the zombies to go out of control. This helps, but there are still thousands of zombies trying to kill and eat them.

-The Duke is getting away, and the PCs are in terrible danger of being slaughtered by zombies, except Tonut who is about to be destroyed by the Fire Vampire. Tonut tries one last Divine Aid, to teleport them all back to Gaga.
"Oh, almighty G.O.D.... Screw This!"

-The Divine aid works, and the PCs are all teleported away, but there's a slight error in the teleportation and they end up crashing into the city wall. Several of them are terribly injured, but they all manage to survive!
"I can't believe we're alive."

That's it for this session. The planned invasion of Gaga has been thwarted by the PCs, and incredibly they're all still alive. But the Duke of Abstinence got away, and there's still thousands of zombies in Coollandish territory. Plus, the PCs still have no way to get back to Lol, and they're no closer to getting past the side-quests and onto the job of stopping Sezrekhan from assimilating the entire universe.
We'll see what they come up with, next time!


Currently Smoking: Lorenzetti Solitario + Gawith's 1792 Flake

(June 15, 2017)
LION & DRAGON: Medieval-Authentic OSR Roleplaying is available now! You only THINK you've played 'medieval fantasy' until you play L&D.

My Blog:
The most famous uruguayan gaming blog on the planet!

Check out my short OSR supplements series; The RPGPundit Presents!

Dark Albion: The Rose War! The OSR fantasy setting of the history that inspired Shakespeare and Martin alike.
Also available in Variant Cover form!
Also, now with the CULTS OF CHAOS cult-generation sourcebook

Arrows of Indra: The Old-School Epic Indian RPG!
NOW AVAILABLE: AoI in print form

The new Diceless RPG of multiversal power, adventure and intrigue, now available.


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DCC Campaign Log
« Reply #102 on: June 30, 2018, 12:27:47 AM »
DCC Campaign Update: I Haven't had an Erection This Strong in Years

So, as of last adventure, the PCs had managed to defeat (though not kill) the Duke of Abstinence, disrupting his control over the huge zombie army he was going to use to invade Coolland and overthrow his niece Queen Zoey. It almost killed them!
Unfortunately, they didn't actually get rid of the thousands of zombies, now uncontrolled, that are roaming across Coolland's territory.


-One of our PCs (Tonut the Cleric) just leveled up.  Another (Heidi) is one single XP away from leveling up.
"That's dangerous. It's like being a cop who's two weeks away from retirement!"

-"Wait... did my pet chicken die?"
"Nope. He landed right on the city wall and was unharmed."

-Morris had been left behind in the Azure Tower, because his cyborg-ASS was interfering with the teleportation magic. Now, the order thinks they managed to adapt the ritual.  It turns out they're mostly right; they actually manage to teleport him to a field about 7 miles from Gaga.  Unfortunately for Morris, it's a field full of zombies!

-After running like hell, he finds his way to a ruined old church (of G.O.D.). With the zombie hordes approaching he engages in a desperate prayer.
"hello? Is anyone listening?"
"We Are Listening..."

-No, it's not G.O.D., it's 4 mysterious cowled inhuman figures that were already in the church.
"Who are you? What are you doing here?"
"We are agents of vengeance. We seek the destruction of Bill the Elf."
"Those zombies are going to kill us all!"
"They will not kill us."
"Are you undead?"
"No. We are... Sand Cows."

-It turns out the four mysterious creatures are more of the ridiculous elemental constructs created by the Archemaster.  He made them to hunt Bill the Elf; this was before the Archemaster went to the city of Lol (where he is presently trapped, in the Forever Pit). The Cows have been looking for Bill ever since.
"Ok, I.. I know where Bill is! Save me from the Zombies and I can help you!"

-"We believe you speak truth... one of us will make the Sacrifice."
One of the Sand cows steps outside the church, and Morris watches at it seems to explode into a vicious cyclone of sand particles that literally cuts hundreds of zombies to shreds!
"Can all of you do that?"
"Yes... but only once."

-"Now you will help us."
"Sure. Do you know Mu?"
"Is... is that some kind of joke?!"
"Huh? No, not 'moo'... Mu!"

-Morris realizes his life depends on giving the cows information, so he convinces them that they need to find Mu and the rest of the party to get to Bill. They agree to protect him on the way to Gaga, but demand he give them all the information on Bill he has. So he tells them 'information', like that Bill has only one testicle, he slept with Queen Priscilla, the wizards of Lol want to kill him, Bill once survived a nuclear explosion, and that he's a Neocon.

-Meanwhile, the rest of the PCs have been brought before Queen Zoey and her court.
"Has the danger passed?"
"Technically speaking? More or less."
"We've uh.. renovated the biodiversity of the area... with zombies."
"If we look at the project specifications we see most tasks has been completed!"

-"So, there's still thousands and thousands of zombies about to overrun us?!"
"Yes. Sorry. Can we get our reward now? We have to go."

-"You get no reward until you get rid of the zombies!"
"How the hell are we supposed to do that??"

-"What we need is a more experienced adventurer..."
"Your majesty, Morris the Creep has just arrived in the city!"
"Oh shit, quick Tonut get us out of here!"
"He brings monsters with him, your Majesty, some kind of Cow-ninjas! Also, he's now some kind of ass-cyborg!"


-"Morris is a creep. But sometimes a creep is what's needed!"
"You're a terrible queen?"
"What did you say to her?!"
"Oh, no Mr. Harembe, I meant Priscilla! Priscilla is a terrible queen."
"Hey! Fuck you fatty! I was going to sleep with you but now you just blew it."

-Morris arrives with his Cows.
"We were told you know where we can find Bill the Elf."
"Yeah, um.."
"--Bill the elf is the commander of the zombie armies! If you want to get to him you have to kill all the zombies."
"...That seems to make sense."
"I can't believe that worked!"

-The stupid Cow elementals head off to kill every zombie they can find.
"Since Morris brought the cows to us, he will be allowed to stay, and not be sent back to Fashion Jail."
"We'll see how long that lasts."

-The PCs regroup the next morning for a massive brunch and healing session. Unfortunately, Tonut gets Disapproval early on and as his divine punishment is required to 'heal the lame'.
"OK, I'll heal Mu, then."
"Mu's lame, and I heal him. So did that work."
"Is Mu still lame?"
"Well, yes."
"Then no."
"Damn it."

-"Morris are you still taking a dump?"
"*PING* Defecation complete*"
"Just finished!"
"Ok, come here, I have to heal the lame!"

-"*ASS calculates 1.8% chance of this healing succeeding in any way*"
"Damn. There's probably lame people in the Fashion Dungeon..."

-"You lost your +4 Mace. That's pretty lame!"
"Go away, Morris."

-Mu goes to see Harembe.
"No, my name is Harembe. I had an ancestor named Harambe..."

-"As you may know, Harembe, I'm a wizard."
"...Are you sure?"

-"I need to ward something, so I can become a dude again."
"...You're not a dude?"

-Mu is heading back to the palace when he runs into a strange pink mutant in a tacky-looking suit and tie.
"Hey there, chum! My name's Chris, and I have a business offer for you that you won't want to ignore."
"Why do you talk like that?"
"Like what?"
"Like you're in an old-timey documentary or something?"
"I don't follow you, friend!"
"Whatever. Let's go to my room."
"Let's do it! And by 'do it' I mean business, not homosexual activity!"
"I'm a woman!"
"...Are you sure?"

-Tonut, Kumar and Publio had made their way down to the Fashion Dungeon, but the guards don't want to let them in. However, they do find out that Emily the elf is in Fashion Prison!
"What, why?"
"Apparently, she was saying that her majesty Queen Zoey has Chlamydia!"
"...that doesn't sound like Emily."
"No. It sounds like Priscilla is getting rid of the competition."
"The report also says that she's super jealous of Priscilla because Priscilla is so much prettier than she is, and Priscilla and Harembe will probably get married soon."
"Does it, now?"

-Back in Mu's room, he learns that Chris wants to become the adventuring group's Manager. Chris assures Mu that they'll all make money, and Mu assures Chris that he's the leader of the group and can represent all of them.
"Excellent! Just sign right here."
"Ok, sure, this doesn't sound shady at all."
"Oh no. It's not shady, not even a little bit, my friend!"

-"You know in spite of being a lesser member of the royal family, this is actually the first time I've ever been in this palace."
"Queen Zoey sounds kind of cold."
"That's right! Although, my mother was also a pathological liar, so it might be that I'm not from the royal family at all! You know, I've said too much."

-"Mu, you're a wizard, you're supposed to be smart."

-Having been unable to find "the lame" at the dungeons, Tonut and company  head into the city, and get to a "holistic clinic". There they meet a hipster girl pretending to be a hippie girl. You can tell she isn't, because she's too clean.
"What do you people do here?"
"Mostly yoga!"
"Miss you are culturally appropriating my culture!"
"Oh no, it's ok, because we're really attractive!"

-"Mr. Kumar would you like to give a talk about spirituality here?"
"We both could!"
"Oh no, your friend is just a cleric. We only want talks from spiritual people, like you!"
"I did not say I was spiritual..."
"Yes, but, it's obvious you're spiritual..I mean, you know..."

-They finally get the pseudo-hippie chick to let them into a yoga class. It's full of relatively attractive women, one obese man, and the handsome instructor wearing a man-bun.
"That one. The Man-bun. Break his leg."
"Does it look breakable?"
"He's probably a vegan, so he has the bone strength of a bird."


-While Publio shatters the man-bun's knee, Kumar is complaining about the state of things.
"What in the heck is this shit?! This is not yoga, it is just stretching!"

-Tonut heals Man-bun's shattered knee. When he does so, the instructor's man-bun also falls off.
"I have healed the Lame!!"

-"Hey, you guys are the heroes who stopped the zombie army, right?  We just got your merchandising!"
"Yeah, these yoga mats with your faces on them. Your manager just brought them."
"Uh, ok."

-When the group gets back together they find out about what Mu has done with Chris.
"He's our new business manager."
"Like hell he is."
"Well, friends, Mu is your leader, and he signed these contracts on your behalf!"
"He's not our leader and had no authority."
"Oh. Well, in that case, maybe we can re-negotiate?"
"Sure... I Geas him."
"I Charm him."

-Chris, now Geased and Charmed, makes new contracts with everyone, except Mu who is stuck with the older, shittier contract. Then he goes and negotiates a reward for the party with Queen Zoey, much to their surprise.
"This guy might just pay off."
"Oh fuck's sake, he'll be like Zeke Bodean all over again."

-The next morning, the PCs are awakened by alarm bells. A large armed sky-ship is flying down into Gaga, causing everyone to panic.
"Is it sky-nazis?"
"Well, there's no sky-nazi insignias."
"They could be undercover. I've heard they're very skilled at that."

-It turns out to be Roman and Jal'udin!
"Get in, bitches, we're going to save the universe!"

-the PCs pile into the ship, with Chris making it in too just before they take off.
"Who's this?!"
"He's our meat-shield."
"Oh. Well, why not? I guess it's useful for your meat shields to have meat shields!"

-Jal'udin found the entrance to a deep cave complex that might have Ancient survivors inside it.

-Jal'udin will not be coming with the team, but tries to get them to tell him where the Sunstaff is found. They don't tell him, but claim that the Azure Order knows, in what is probably a bad move.

-"This Ancient complex is found in the Mountains of Terror. Don't worry, though, it's only a name! They're really more of a tall range of hills!"

-"Any information about the Dark Ones I should know?"
"There's two things you need to know about the Dark Ones..."

-The entrance to the cave is surrounded by orcish totems depicting their god of death, and dire warnings.
"It says 'Welcome, Adventurers'!"

-At the entrance of the cave, the PCs find a heavy blast-door with a high tech keypad. Roman has Morris check for traps, but only to see if the pad is electrified. Then he uses his Sonic Tool to open it.

-Inside the cave complex the PCs encounter a group of Shadow Elves! Like all shadow-elves they have night-black skin, long luxurious hair, extra-pointy ears, badass scimitars, a general tough-guy look, and ridiculous squeaky voices.
"Why do they all have squeaky voices?"
"Because Fuck Drrzt, that's why."

-The Shadow Elves do not give the PCs the right to pass. Heidi challenges their leader, Ashiliath the Tormentor, to single combat.
The battle is really close for several rounds, but finally Heidi gets in a staggering blow.
"Oh! I'm Lame!"

-With Ashiliath crippled, the other Shadow Elves prepare to kill him. Heidi complains but they insist it is the way of their people.
"We must sing him our falsetto death-cry to send him to the hall of warriors"
"You're a stupid race and should feel ashamed of yourselves."

-"Go forth, adventurers. And if you run into any others of our race, tell them that you are he who slew Ashiliath the Tormentor, and they will let you pass."
"Just to be sure, is there any other 'the Tormentor' in these caves?"
"No, he was the only one."
"Ok, cool."

-The PCs enter a huge cavern covered in glowing mushrooms.
"This reminds me of a joke I have once heard, sirs! Knock knock!"
"Do we have to Kumar?"
"Knock knock, sirs!"
"Who's there."
"Fungi! Do you get it? Like fun-guy!"
"I knew a fun guy once..."

-"Quick, Chris, pretend you're Bill the Elf!"
"Sure! I might even have elven blood in me, you know. Though knowing that bitch mother of mine, it might all be lies!"

-"I'm going to try to hide."
"Heidi is right here!"
"No, hide, not heidi!"

-"*ASS Sensors detect 12 orcs in the next chamber. Alert! Orcs are missing 97% of their brain mass!*"

-The orcs are hiding behind the mineral rocky outgrowths, but they don't move at all. Heidi isn't having any luck shooting at them either.

-"I'm going to charge them! Who's with me??"
"We're all with you, Publio. Morally, I mean. Not literally."

-"I'm going to cast magic missile at them. That's thinking like a wizard... which means it's probably a bad idea."
"We're with you morally too, Mu!"

-Heidi has Tonut lift him into the air and then cannonballs a bunch of the brain-dead orcs.

-Chris manages to bash in the head of an orc!
"I've had my first blood! I haven't had an erection this strong in years, fellows!"
"TMI, dude!"

-An orc stabs Chris through the spine.
"Augh, my spine!"
"Even his cries of agony sound funny."
"I deserve this, I tried to fly too close to the sun. Learn from me, my friends!"

-Mu uses his psionic power to make himself invisible to the orcs; when he does so, he senses a deep evil power. He notices Roman is sensing the same thing.

-Tonut gets disapproval, and now has to Heal the Sick.

-Chris has miraculously survived; but his spine is shattered.
"Is that being sick?"
"No, that's lame."
"Damn it!"

-With the party in dire straights, Publio charges an orc, fumbles, and heroically stabs Morris into unconsciousness.
"You didn't kill him!"
"That will be up to us now."

-"I'll attack the orc on Morris."
"You sure, Heidi? You haven't killed the one on you yet."
"Oh, well then I definitely don't help Morris."
"After all, the other orc will probably hit Publio first."
"Or Morris. But either way, nothing of value will be lost."

-"*ASS Calibrating*!"

-Publio fumbles again!
"We did too good a job of training him wrong..."


-"Well, friends, today was definitely a roller-coaster ride of emotions. I went from having massive wood to shitting myself."
"Aw man, you should have told me that before I laid hands on you to cure you!"

-"We should stop here and rest."
"We can't stop here! This is Dark One country!"

However, the session could indeed stop here.  Will the PCs survive the complex infested by the Dark Ones? Will Morris ever stop being Lame?  Will Mu ever change gender again? Would anyone notice if he did? Will Publio end up killing himself, or a fellow party member? All this and more will probably not be answered in our next exciting session. Stay tuned!


(28 June 2017)
LION & DRAGON: Medieval-Authentic OSR Roleplaying is available now! You only THINK you've played 'medieval fantasy' until you play L&D.

My Blog:
The most famous uruguayan gaming blog on the planet!

Check out my short OSR supplements series; The RPGPundit Presents!

Dark Albion: The Rose War! The OSR fantasy setting of the history that inspired Shakespeare and Martin alike.
Also available in Variant Cover form!
Also, now with the CULTS OF CHAOS cult-generation sourcebook

Arrows of Indra: The Old-School Epic Indian RPG!
NOW AVAILABLE: AoI in print form

The new Diceless RPG of multiversal power, adventure and intrigue, now available.


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DCC Campaign Log
« Reply #103 on: July 11, 2018, 09:08:30 PM »
DCC Campaign Update: Do you Think He'd Want to be Buried With my Pants?

In the last adventure, the PCs had found their way into an Ancients' Complex (ruined, of course) in the hopes of somehow discovering a living ancient somewhere within. Thus far they'd had no luck at that, only running into some dark elves and some very creepy orcs who were missing large parts of their brains. They had holed up in a room to rest for the night.


-Morris, Mu, and Publio all go out to keep watch at the entrance, and promptly disappear (on account of all three of their players not being able to make it this session).

-"Lots of us are still injured from that last battle."
"Ok, let the healing begin!"

-In the night, the PCs are ambushed by a small squad of feral halflings!
"Heidi, your turn."
"Ok. I'm going to use one halfling as a weapon to hit another halfling with."

-"Oh, damn, I forgot I was a pacifist!"
"You went on a violent rampage as a reflex, Heidi. You were still half-asleep."
"Yeah, Heidi gets very pissy when he's woken up."
"I thought I was having a nightmare!"
"Maybe his dream is not to be a pacifist."
"We knew you were a psycho like the rest of us!"


-"We burn the halfling corpses."
"Yeah. In a dungeon it's important to be environmentally conscious and clean up your mess."

-"My map of this dungeon is all fucked up."
"That's just what we want to hear when we're deep in the bowels of an ancients complex..."

-The PCs figure out their direction, and promptly run into a Servant of the Dark Ones... a Brain-Eater!


-Fighting with their usual level of ability, the PCs don't manage to stop the Brain-Eater before it launches its terrible psychic blast. Tonut the Cleric's brain explodes.

-Roman manages to get into some kind of psychic battle with the Brain-Eater; and while he's not able to destroy it, he manages to scare it away, complete with strange glowing multicolored lights coming out of Roman's eyes.
Kumar very bravely or very stupidly (or both) chases after the Brain-Eater, but it turns ethereal and walks away from him.

-"I can't believe Tonut died."
"Yes, it's a tragedy."
"So sad."
"We loot the fuck out of the body."

-"Say, friends, do you think I can take his pants? My own pants have been soiled for over a day."
"Sure, why not?"
"Do you think he'd want to be buried with my pants?"
"No, let's leave him some dignity."

-Heidi takes Tonut's super Power-Armor.  Chris, in addition to taking Tonut's pants, inherits Heidi's old plate mail.
"I'll always remember our stalwart friend Tonut when I wear these pants. Hopefully I won't dishonor them like I did my last pair!"

-"Man, that brain-eater sure got us a lot of loot!"

-"Tonut also had this bag of unlabeled white powder.."
"I'll take that!"

-Around that time, a trio of zero-level newbs arrive. It turns out they were all slaves or employees of one of the bands of dark elves, who left them behind when they deserted the complex.  The trio include a human prostitute, a Cold Mutant butcher, and a Fishman Fisherman (again).

-"You're all my friends."
"I'm not your friend."
"You're my friend, pal!"
"I'm not your pal."
"You're my pal, buddy!"
"I'm not your buddy."
"You're my buddy, chum!"


-"You guys have no absolute proof, but yet somehow you know that dark elves mostly like pegging."
"The hooker left her strap-on behind."

-"Are these people even worth keeping?"

-"Why does that dead cleric not have any pants?"
"Because I'm wearing his pants now, friend!"
"Why don't you give him your old pants, then?"
"We don't want to desecrate his corpse."
"Yes, especially after his sacrifice. Tonut died so that I might have pants!"

-"Do you have any food?"
"We have peanuts."
"She can't have any of my peanuts!"

-"Get your mind out of the gutter, Roman."
"You're mistaken, madam. I'm not interested. I know where you've been."

-The PCs decide to retreat, for rest and healing, to the ruined tower complex, negotiating a truce with the three Dark Elves still hiding out there. Sammi the hooker mentions to Heidi that the elves have a chest that she strongly suspects (from her prior experiences with them) holds the Dark Elves' treasure. Heidi, however, feels bound by the truce. So she tells Roman instead, and he immediately agrees to murder the Dark Elves in the night.

-"So, I'll take the 2nd watch tonight, with the hooker."
"I prefer 'Lady of the Night'."
"And Hillbilly Giants prefer to be called 'Tall Sons of the Soil', but that's not happening either."

-Roman and Sammi's plan is that they'll pump Heidi full of healing sedative, and then she'll seduce the one elf that's on guard, leading him away, while Roman murders the two who are sleeping. Unfortunately, they run into a problem.
"Sorry miss, I'm asexual."

-They wait until the third watch, getting the other two newbies in on the action. And while they dispatch the two sleeping dark elves, the guard who had been led away by Sammi comes back too soon, and manages to murder both the Cold Mutant and the Fishman before they can finish him off.

-The elven loot turns out to be mostly magic items!  An endless waterskin, some unlabeled potions, a scroll of levitation, and a +1 sword.
"If Morris' ASS was here, it could probably identify those potions."

-Since Heidi still needs more of the medi-drugs to get close to his full HP, the party rests for another day.  For security purposes, Kumar props up the corpses of the elves and the dead party members to appear to be lookouts.

-The party finally starts to move deeper into the complex again. There, they get to a large flooded area, that's been made crossable by some rickety wooden bridges, in the middle of which is a small island of dry ground with huge piles of garbage on it. In that Island the PCs spot a group of degenerated feral dwarves who appear to have gone insane. Heidi flies over them, and sets fire to the nearest garbage pile.

-In the distance, at the entrance of a flooded room, the PCs hear a dark elf screaming for help.
"I'm terribly injured but alive! Please someone help me! Both my legs are broken!"
They ignore him.

-Flying over the flaming garbage island, the PCs move over to another area, a huge promenade with signs that there were successive periods of habitation with a variety of architecture. The original Ancients construction was built over with brick, then with wood, then with scraps of metal or any garbage that could be found. The place seems mostly abandoned. But the dwarves who fled the flaming garbage were waiting there in ambush and they rush forward to attack!

-After a couple of rounds of combat, the Dwarves run like hell, scattering in various directions. One of the dwarves fled through some kind of sewer grate that was hidden behind a pile of junk.
"We should go down this man-hole."
"And here I thought my days of going down man-holes was over."

-The Party makes their way down into a sewer area, which is mostly dry though it has several inches of a greenish-black gunk on most of the ground.
"I expected this man-hole would be deeper."

-"There's two possibilities: Either the Brain-Eaters don't come down here, or they might all be down here!"

-The party doesn't run into a brain-eater, but they do run into a giant sewer snake! Sammi attacks it with her dark elf scimitar but it snaps.
"Piece of shit dark elven scimitars! They're just made to look cool."

-Chris hits the snake!
"I think I'm doing well, chums!"
One round later, the snake bites his head clean off.

-"Oh shit! Well, can we heal him?"
"He's been decapitated!"
"So, no?"

-After slaying the snake, the PCs continue on along the empty sewer.
"In the distance, you hear the sound of a dwarf dying horribly."
"That sounds promising."

-They proceed forward and find a large chamber, containing ten cryo-stasis tubes! It also contains a very dead dwarf, who seemed to have the very  life sucked out of him and a frozen look of terror on his face.
"Let's go in!"
"Wait, don't you think it might be dangerous?"

-All the tubes are flashing some kind of alert in Ancient.  As it happens, Kumar reads ancient.
"I'll fly you in through the man-hole"
"You've been in too many man-holes, bro."

-The alert indicates that all ten tubes have been 'corrupted'. Heidi flies Roman in to activate the auto-destruct on the tubes. As the countdown begins, spectral beings float out of the tube, causing damage to everyone from sheer horror.
"Cheese it!"
"What the fuck are they?"
"Ghosts? Who are we going to call??"

-The party runs like hell down the sewer, as the self-destruct blows the entire chamber to bits.

-They keep going, and make their way to the armory!
"It looks like it was raided at some point, but there's still a bunch of stuff in there."
"It could also still have defenses."
"I could cast Cantrip to see if anything reacts.."
"Don't do that."
"Why not, sir?"
"Isn't Cantrip the spell that makes you open a bridge to the Outer Void as a mercurial effect?"
"Yes, that is right.."
"We're in a complex full of servants of the Dark Ones. What do you think that will do?"
"Oh. Yes on second thought I had better not cast Cantrip."

-Kuman casts force-manipulation instead, which causes a pair of defense drones to activate and start firing.

-"What do we do now?"
"We charge at the drones, on the count of three!"
"You won't just all stay here and leave me to charge in alone, will you?"

-"If you let me go in there alone, I swear you guys are all screwed!"
"You nearly punched me to death!"
"That was an accident!"

-"I dive in and get behind cover."
"You'd have to be prone for that."
"Given her former profession..."
"Yeah, I don't mind."

-"I continue to stay under cover."
"So you mean she's lying there like a dead hooker."

-Roman uses his sonic tool to destroy the drones.

-They find the armory has a number of quite useful items.  There's carbon-fiber armor, which is very light.
"You should wear that, Kumar!"
"Will it have a spellcasting penalty?"
"A small one. But hey, it's not like you've been casting anything useful anyways."

-This exchange triggers a moderately lengthy conversation on whether clerics or wizards are more useless.

-"Hey, we found a medi-bot!"
"Oh, does it have more of those drugs?"
"Great, now Heidi's a healing-sedative junkie."

That's it for today. The party decides to hole up in the armory, deep within the dungeon of brain-eaters.  Will they actually find an Ancient that's not turned into an undead that wants to kill them? Or will they all just end up getting their brains eaten?

Stay tuned to find out!


Currently Smoking: Lorenzetti Horn + Argento Latakia
LION & DRAGON: Medieval-Authentic OSR Roleplaying is available now! You only THINK you've played 'medieval fantasy' until you play L&D.

My Blog:
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DCC Campaign Update: I Just Wanted To See Mu Struggle
« Reply #104 on: July 27, 2018, 01:13:48 AM »
When we left off, the party was hiding out in the armory of an Ancients' complex that has been overrun with servants of the Dark Ones (Brain-Eaters) plus some feral dwarves and a retreating band of Dark Elves.  They'd lost two of their number (Tonut the Cleric, and the party's manager/agent Chris), but gained a former Hooker. Half the party was also missing, having been on a watch and then just disappeared.


-Sammi the Hooker levels-up and becomes Sammi the Cleric. Switching from the world's oldest profession, to the second-oldest and far less honest one.

-"The character sheet we're using has the saving throws placed right next to the Ability Scores that modify them."
"I  never noticed that before!"
"It also has a shield for AC!"
"And a trapezoid for HP, the trapezoid being the universal symbol for health."
"Of course, that's why hospitals everywhere have a giant rotating trapezoid on their roof."

-"So how much should I charge you guys for healing?"
"It's usually free."
"OK, but the pegging is extra."
"Clerical healing is free? Have you guys not spent a lot of time around clerics in this setting?"

-"I'm looking at my notes here, who is Sammi?"
"That's my character, you know, the one I just leveled up?"
"Oh, OK, right. So who's Androman?"
"Wait... did you maybe write 'and Roman'?"

-"I wish we had a character named Androman!"
"Wouldn't Androman just mean 'man man'?"

(Androman is real! And possibly related to BOLT-0!)

-"I need money to reduce my disapproval if I'm going to keep healing."
"See? I told you it wasn't free!"
"So, you're really right back to your old job, huh?"

-The joviality is interrupted by the presence of a feral humanoid figure smelling of shit scratching frantically at the service duct grill.
"We kill it with fire!"
"Wait.. I think that's Mu!"

-"Christ, we lose him for 1 day and he reverts to a goddamn animal!"
"Hey, it was 2 days!"

-Sammi had not yet met Mu.
"What kind of monster is that thing?!"
"I'm not a monster, I'm a wizard."
"Wait, Mu's a wizard?"

-"Being all feral and covered in shit for most people would be a big humiliation; for Mu, it's Tuesday."

-"Where's Tonut?"
"Tonut is dead."
"Tonut's dead?!"
"Wait, which one was Tonut?"
"Your nephew!"
"OH! Yes, right... I'm so sad about that."

-"Chris is also dead."
"But before he died he transferred the right to your contract to us, so now we get to keep 80% of your treasure share."
"I refuse to believe that unless I see a contract."
"Ok, wait a second... hey, has anyone got any paper?"

-"So I was meaning to ask: what are all of you guys doing in this ruin anyways?"
"We're saving the universe."
"Yes, and believe it or not, this is the sanest, safest way to save the universe."

-The party having been reunited with Mu, and having rested and healed enough, they move on to the next room. It turns out to be the old water reservoir of the complex. And they find it guarded by Water Elementals!
"Be careful, they can only be harmed with magic!"
"Then we're doomed!"
"Goddamnit Mu, you're the wizard!"

-One of the Water Elementals swallows Kumar! But he quickly unretracts his retractable hoverbike and shoots out of it.


-Mu dives into one of the Elementals after casting Chill Touch.
"You do two points of damage, then the chill touch wears off and you start to drown."
"No I don't, I have gills, remember?"
"He's more of a freak than we thought!"

-Sammi made use of the spell we now call "Ack'basha's Sanctuary" to protect herself, and then backed away about 20' from the action.
"Kumar is hurt and could use my healing, but he's too far away..."
"He's 20' away!"
"So, so far.."


-Heidi fumbles and falls on his back.
"It's very wet here."
"That's what you get for running by the pool!"

-Mu is just floating around in the Elemental, whose internal body is now full of shit. He's desperately flailing around but can't get him out.
"This is your life now, Elemental!"

-Mu pretends to be drowning to see if the elemental will stop trying to pull him out, but the Elemental doesn't fall for it.

-"I guess Heidi's OK?"
"He's doing better than Mu's elemental!"

-Heidi flies up on his jetpack and divebombs the elemental! He does damage but of course goes right through the other side and slams at full-speed on the pavement, knocking himself out and destroying his jetpack.

-All night, the GM has been accidentally calling Heidi "Ack'Basha".
"You  know why? Because Heidi kicks ass now, and reminds me of his last badass!"
"He's even got a power armor!"

-No matter how hard Mu's elemental tries, he just can't get the slippery bastard out of his body.
"The funny thing is that if I was casting spells right now I'd be rolling really well!"
" probably wouldn't."

-"Mu's elemental now seems to have fallen on his knees, put his hands on his face and started to weep. The Elemental behind him is patting his back in a hopeless attempt to comfort him."

-Kumar and another elemental mutually off themselves, thanks to Kumar's chill-touch and the Elemental's high-damage slam.

-"Kumar is dead, guys!"
"Looting time!"

-Roman had run off at the start of the battle, when his sonic tool got soaked. He finally comes back in from the armory, his tool repaired, and starts blowing up Elementals with it.
"How the hell did you do that?"
"With... the powers of vibration. Yes, that'll do."

-"I got the thing you shouldn't get."

-"Roman, would you like to keep Kumar's hoverbike?"
"No, better not. There was a bike race in the desert once... things got weird. It's not a Vincent Black Shadow, is it?"


-"We should give Kumar a decent burial... throw his corpse into the reservoir."

-No sooner do they toss the body into the water, that a huge Water Elemental emerges from the pool.
"Mu, you fucking idiot."

-"Cheese it!"
"Yeah, but don't run by the pool!"

-Running away from the Elemental, they make their way into an exit gate. It looks too small for the Elemental to pass through and maintain form, so they run through, along a broad promenade. They suddenly run into a trio of terrified people running the other way!
They are a Blue Mutant Psychic Shaman, a Blue Mutant Orphan, and a human Lumberjack... or hipster.
"His trade good is a mirror; he's definitely a hipster."


-Turns out the trio were servants or slaves of the Dark Elf expedition, and the reason they're running in the opposite direction from the PCs is that they're fleeing the group of Brain-Eaters who just murdered all the Dark Elves.
"Do I know where the Brain-Eaters are?"
"Yes, they're in the opposite direction from where you're running."

-"What are your names?"
"How about we tell you after we finish fleeing for our lives?"
"We're not really in danger, nothing's after us. Well, except for 3 Brain-Eaters."

-The party goes into a room off the promenade, which triggers some kind of sinister memory in Mu's mind from when he'd gone feral. Vizi the Shaman uses one of his psychic powers to detect that Mu had a very traumatic experience here involving a kindly old dwarf and three wight-like ghosts.

-The party moves on to another room, one they hope is actually 'safe'. Inasmuch as anywhere is safe in this death-dungeon.

-The room has one broken door; so Mu tries to cast Ward Portal, finally turning into a man again. But it's not well cast, so he tries again, becoming a woman. Finding it insufficient again, he tries it a third time, becoming a man again, but to no great effect. Then he loses the spell.
"So is he a woman again?"
"Honestly? I can't tell the difference."

-"Should I spellburn to try again?"
"It doesn't really matter, Brain-Eaters can become ethereal and pass through walls."
"So we're all dead anyways, if they find us?"
"Why didn't you say that before?"
"I just wanted to see Mu struggle."

-The orphan is just desperate for affection.
"Hello, what's your name?"
"Hello Heidi; I'm Udin the orphan. Will you be my friend?"
"Oh, well, that's OK, that happens to  me a lot."

-"Hey Mu, do you want to know what happened to you back in that other room?"
"No, Vizi."
"So just to make sure, you don't want to know you were raped by ghosts? OK, I won't tell you then."
"You already said too much!"

-That night, an attack comes from the broken door. It's not Brain-Eaters, but rather Giant Bats!
"We shouldn't have stopped here, this is Bat Country!"

-Numerous giant bats swarm on the orphan, biting him fatally.
"I'm finally being adopted!"
"Is the orphan retarded?"

-Roman uses the Sonic Tool to make all the bats' heads explode.
"Take that you goddamn animals!"

-"I'll need healing now."
"I have shamanic herbs..."
"No, I need real healin-- wait, what kind of herbs?"
"'Medicinal' herbs..."
"That you smoke?"
"I will have some of your herbs, my good man, and I think this may just be the start of a beautiful friendship."

-The orphan is dead.
"Did he have anything of value?"
"Man, they get started early these days..."
"I'll take that rum!"

-"Mu was very expensive to heal."
"Well, his worth is.. not much, actually."

-The next day the PCs explore down the way the bats were. Going deeper into the complex they find their way into a huge chamber that took some serious damage at some point; the room is bisected by a huge chasm.
Vizi the shaman mutant uses his psychic powers, and sees a visions of ancients trying to flee on skyships when a terrible explosion cracks open the earth. It looks like everyone dies, but any remains of their skyships and possible cryopods would be somewhere down at the bottom.

-"G.O.D., please fix Heidi's jetpack"
"Your divine aid roll wasn't very high. Some cosmetic repair is done, but for the most part the jetpack is still clearly non-functional."
"G.O.D. did a half-assed job!"

-"I try not to look into the abyss, because if I do it'll probably look back at me."

-6500gp in sacrifices and divine aids later, the cleric has finally managed to repair the jetpack.

-"hey guys, over the edge there's all these bridges and ladders and shit. It looks like we could just walk the whole way down."

-It turns out that repairing the jetpack wasn't as useless as it seemed at first glance, since when they're about halfway down the chasm, the party gets ambushed by goblin archers!

-"I was just about to kill all the goblins, but then I remembered I'm a pacifist."
"Heidi's pacifism is very gradually wearing off!"

-"Are you present, Roman?"
"Its hard to tell, I'm on a lot of substances."

-The goblins were leading the PCs toward a Troll!

-"Wait a sec... water monster... goblins, deep caves.. are we in Moria?"

-Mu uses his levitation scroll to move away from the Troll, which throws Roman off the bridge! Mu is quite happy about this until he floats right into the crossfire of the goblin archers. They fill him with arrows and he starts to fall. Fortunately, Heidi saves them both.
"And you guys said there was no point to the Jetpack..."

-Unfortunately, goblin snipers kill the lumberjack. No one cares much, since it was pretty obvious that the Psychic Shaman was the one destined to become the new level 1 guy.

-The troll, meanwhile, tried to jump at Heidi and ends up plummeting to the bottom of the chasm.

-"The troll is still around... I can sense him."

-"can you decapitate a troll?"
"I intend to try decapitating him with this grenade."

-The PCs get to the bottom of the chasm, which is full of garbage from thousands of years of trash. One of them finds a hoverboard!
"What's a hoverboard?"
"There's two things you have to know about a hoverboard.."

-Vizi the psychic mutant, on the other hand, ends up finding a laser sword.
"So... he's basically a Jedi now."
"Wait, does that mean Heidi is Boba Fett?"
"I want to know if Roman is Palpatine..."
"Mu is probably Jar Jar."
"Yeah, I probably am."
"I don't like this game. It means as the only girl I'll probably end up in a slave bikini."

-The group finally finds the shell of a skyship with a number of ruined cryotubes.. but one still seems to be working.
"Always just ONE? We can't ever luck out with a backup?! Why??"

-The Cryotube has an ancient. He's an adult male, very large and muscular. Since Roman is the only one who talks ancient, the two have a conversation.
"He says his name's Mongo, and he's a great fighter."
"Oh shit, I think he might be retarded."

-The troll suddenly springs out to attack! He survived the grenade, but this time, the PCs finish him off.  Mongo rushes in after and stomps on the Troll remains, shouting like an imbecile.
"Told you so."
"It doesn't matter! We just need an Ancient. Even this one will do!"

-"Now we just have to get the fuck out of here and manage not to kill our Ancient."
"That's going to be hard..."

That's it for this session. Will the PCs manage to get out of the complex, without killing Mongo?  Stay tuned to find out!


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(July 27, 2017)
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My Blog:
The most famous uruguayan gaming blog on the planet!

Check out my short OSR supplements series; The RPGPundit Presents!

Dark Albion: The Rose War! The OSR fantasy setting of the history that inspired Shakespeare and Martin alike.
Also available in Variant Cover form!
Also, now with the CULTS OF CHAOS cult-generation sourcebook

Arrows of Indra: The Old-School Epic Indian RPG!
NOW AVAILABLE: AoI in print form

The new Diceless RPG of multiversal power, adventure and intrigue, now available.