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Author Topic: DCC Campaign Log  (Read 20912 times)

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DCC Campaign Log
« Reply #75 on: September 28, 2017, 12:12:01 PM »
DCC Campaign: Backstage: The Backstagening Pt. 3



So here's yet another log from the backstage conversation thread my DCC Gamers write in, slowly, over the course of the two weeks between adventures.

This covers the times just before and just after the session I reported on most recently in this blog entry.

Without further ado:


(TRIGGER WARNING: super offensive gang of ordinary human beings daring to have fun. Do not read if you are a hysterical regressive. Or, yeah actually read it, because I really want you to feel all offended because Fuck You):


Backstage: The Backstagening, Book III

Morris: I will take this opportunity... to bring chaos to Tolia. Tolia will be set on fire, and so all of their minotaurs, burning to the ashes...

Bill: We can live with that, we can certainly hire a cleric in high bay. Hire or Charm, or make addicted to something.

Morris: kidnap... or whatever

Chu: Kidnapping is such a strong word, I prefer unofficial commandeer of an autonomous healbot.

Bill: That is also a good idea. Let's see if Anthraz has one of those.

Chu: Well, killing a halfling and throwing him through the window, not one of my proudest moments.

Bill: I have seen/done worse.

Chu: Yep, not gonna question that. Haven't even done a genocide yet.

Morris: Well, allowing chaos and destruction take over the world in some early future, not one of my proudest moments.

Bill: Chaos is another type of order.

Fishman: What. No, it's not. It's like saying "Black is another type of white".

Drunken Master: it is, when you turn lights off.

Morris: Whooooooooooo *Mind = blown*




(Cut: lengthy political debate about Trump based on my "Deplorables" blog entry.
I should note our Player party is politically diverse: the Drunken Master (formerly Ackbasha) is a literal hardcore Trotskyite in real life and pretty much opposes the whole structure of western governments, the Fishman is a center-leftist and very not into Trump, I am (as you all know) a Trump-supporting Libertarian, Chu is an Alt-Right Shitlord, Bill is a general shit-disturber, and I have no idea what Morris is)

Bill: I thought "The Deplorables" is quite good as a description of the party.

Fishman: Also known as "Shit, not them again".

Bill: That

Drunken Master: Actually, "Shit, not them again... and who are you fishman?"

Bill: His name is Losha. The fishman has a name

Pundit: Bill has White Guilt.

Fishman: The guy who killed several minotaurs and giants with one single lvl 1 spell.

Bill: Radiant white elf privilege.

Fishman: One.
SINGLE.
SPELL.

Drunken Master: Ekim Mystical Mask?

Bill: Chill touch? Spider climb ?

Fishman: COMPREHEND LANGUAGES, BITCH!!

Bill: Enlarge while "chill touching"?

Fishman: Screw  you guys.

Bill: We still love you, fishman, you are like Yahoo's Babel fish for us And you are good too, when there are no cold beverages around

Drunken Master: and you are rich on omega-3

Bill: LOL

Chu: Top kek

Fishman: I have an omega-3 dispenser right here for you! *grabs crotch*

Bill: Oh me god!

Drunken Master: that's the hole you use to fertilize eggs.

Bill: You see, this is much more interesting than to contaminate this haven with partisan chat

Chu: Yep I have always wanted a chat about the implications of fishman and the nature of his genitalia

Pundit: Could a halfling critical a fishman?

Bill: *wags finger*

Fishman: If you gaze too long into the fishman's genitalia, the fishman's genitalia will gaze into you.

Bill: Unless the fishman's genitalia have a codpiece with Ekims Mystical Mask, that protect them against gaze attacks

Fishman: It does.


Drunken Master: 1:00, those are the fishman's genitals:






Bill: What's going on? Why would bbc 3 produce that?



Morris: Today I'll be a little late, I'm waiting for delicious sea food for lunch, no offence Fish-man, I'm sure they are not your relatives.

Bill: Late like what?

Morris: Like half an hour, maybe

Fishman: Yeah, I'm gonna be there closer than 4 than to 3 too...

Bill: Sharing a meal with Morris and your fish relatives, you sick cannibal

Fishman: Losha is a fishman FISHERMAN. What did you thought he ate?

Drunken Master: Dick. He eats dick.

Morris:  OMW!

Fishman: Meat is meat.

Drunken Master:





Bill: *?*


Pundit:







Drunken Master: before zach gallifianakis turns into the official face of the drunkard, I want to let you know this is the one I had in mind.





Bill: Plus the half-plate




Drunken Master: that was in Tholia, before joining the party

Bill: *wine bottle warrior*

Chu:  Wait... What was the name of the Half-elven queen?

Bill: Loretta - identified as woman before it was cool







That's all for this time. If you're amused by seeing a glimpse of the banter between my players and between their adventures, let me know, and I might post some more of these.


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DCC Campaign Log
« Reply #76 on: October 02, 2017, 01:32:54 AM »
DCC Campaign Archive: We're Injury Besties!



We started this adventure with the PCs teleporting into an idyllic field of pretty flowers full of fluffy little bunnies. In the distance, they could see Gaga, the capital city of Coolland, whose Queen Zoey they had just agreed to save from the invasion of her uncle, the Duke of Abstinence.

Now:
-The Drunken Master throws up a considerable amount of blood.
"I'm totally fine!"
He then immediately passes out.

-Morris decides he's going to try to kill a bunny, just for sick kicks. But he misses his attack roll. All of a sudden, every one of the hundreds of bunnies in the field sit up, and slowly turn to stare at him ominously.
"Well, I'm immediately regretting this."




-"Bill has become the voice of reason in the party - how sad is that?"
"What the fuck is happening here?!"

-The PCs decide to quickly run from the bunnies and head toward the city, leaving behind the unconscious Drunken Master.
"As you flee, you see the bunnies slowly converging toward the Drunken Master's prone form"
"It's ok, they're probably just going to take care of him!"




-The city of Gaga looks like it was totally built by Disney.


-The city's gates are shut, and walls manned by guards; but when they realize who the PCs are, they immediately open the gates. The PCs are really not used to this.

-"You're awesome!! I've always wanted to meet you! My friends are going to be so jealous I got to talk to Ackbasha!"
"I'm Chu!"

-A delegation of the Queen's council arrive, including a fashionably-dressed extremely hot guy in sunglasses who turns out to be the Prime Minister, and an old guy in a very colourful set of robes and a beanie-hat with a coiling wire at the top with a bobbing icon of an eye. The second guy turns out to be the court wizard, named Palombo.

-The PCs are being totally mobbed by hoards of young people, all engaging in some kind of medieval snapchatting; frantically sketching quick drawings of the PCs and then sharing them with each other.

-Suddenly, a Minotaur teleports in!
"Oh yeah, I'd forgotten that was still happening."

-Bill blasts the minotaur with an impressive Magic Missile. As the standard side-effect of his spell, he is afterward immediately sent to the "neutral zone" (an ethereal plane) for 1d6+1 rounds. While there, he's surprised to see some hip-looking dude hanging around in ethereal form too.
"Hey man"
"..who the fuck are you?"
"Alamabus the wizard. You stuck here permanently?"
"No.. I'll be gone soon."
"Lucky you."





-Some of the PCs are pretty impressed by how most of the population of Coolland are very young and very beautiful.
"so... how do people here swing?"
"It's Coolland. Everyone here is pansexual!"
"Morris, why did you have to ask?"
"I was curious."
"Oh, you're Curious?? That's cool!"

-The PCs reach the Palace, where they meet Queen Zoey. She looks to be a hot barely-legal pink mutant, dressed in a spandex workout suit when she first encounters them.
"Hey.. um.. quick question: what's the age of consent around here? I'm asking for a friend!"
"Don't worry about it. No one here is going to find you attractive enough to have sex with anyways, fishman"
"Hey! I'll have you know that among my fishman species I'm considered only slightly below average appearance!"
"It doesn't matter anyhow. Almost no one in Coolland actually has sex. It's apparently not cool anymore."






-"So your majesty, you want us to save you from your uncle the Duke. I just wanted to know: precisely what level of Scorched Earth are you looking for here?"
"I want the least number of people hurt as possible."
"Wow. I think you have some serious misconceptions about us."

-"What about the orcs your uncle has recruited, can we kill them?"
"Oh, sure! They're gross and smelly and ugly! And it's ok to say so because they're racist!"






-"Please, you have to help me, you're my only hope!..Hehe, I always wanted to say that!"
"You're pretty young for that reference.."
"No, it's totally cool again!"





-"My uncle wants to usurp me before I really become Queen. My rule is only assured after I complete the Ceremonial Pole Dance."
"I really want to see that!"

-Morris immediately gains himself a reputation in Coolland as a total Creep.

-"My bunny-spies have told me that my uncle is trying to obtain a super-weapon of some kind. Many bunny-spies died to get us this information."




-"Bunny spies?"
"Dude, I'm a fishman, you're a pigman, Morris is a creep, and Bill changes bodies like underwear."
"I'm trans-elf."
"You're trans?? Cool!"

-Coolland social media messaging is sent by a legion of tiny blue-birds.




-"You guys will be super popular here!"
"I don't really care about popularity."
"I do!!"

-"Tomorrow you will go on your mission, but tonight.. dance party!"

-Nobody in Coolland has sex, but cuddle-piles and girls-kissing-girls is plentiful.

-Only Morris stays at the dance, the rest of the PCs deciding they're too old for this bullshit.

-Social media hashtags Morris as "#CreepyJuggler". By the end of the night he got 17161 Likes, but 86713 Dislikes.
"#CreepyJuggler was staring at me all night. Ew!"
"#CreepyJuggler tried to join our cuddlepile. Awkward."
"I'm famous now!"




-The next morning, in accordance to the PCs' request, Queen Zoey presents them with the only Cleric in Gaga. His name is Zabaz, and he's a chain-smoking unkempt potty-mouthed nervous wreck who hates G.O.D.
"Aren't clerics supposed to love G.O.D.?"
"I want to go to the Crown of Creation and kick G.O.D. in the fucking crotch!"
"You've come to the right group!"





-"Ackbasha's dead?"
"Yes."
"Serves him fucking right!"
"You and I will get along just fine, Cleric!"
"Yeah. G.O.D. does sometimes answer people's prayers!"

-"Your majesty, could we also take along some convicts you might have, as cannon fodder?"
"There's very little crime here..We might have someone in Fashion Jail!"

-They find there is in fact one hardened criminal in Fashion Jail; his name's Nesber. His crime: wearing socks and sandals at the same time.
"I think they look just fine!"




-"At least they're not Crocs"
"No... sadly they confiscated those!"

-They also need a tracker to lead them through the wilderness to the supposed ancient ruined Temple of the Lord of Blood & Fire, which the Duke of Abstinence seeks for his super-weapon. They are presented with their scout: an Airdale Terrier named Wally.
"Can I pet you?"
"No! I'm a working dog!"





-"I'm going to sneak up behind the dog to scratch his ear without him noticing!"
"What the fuck dude?! Do you even have to be all creepy with the dog???"

-Dog: "That fishman thinks he's people!"

-Heading off, after an uneventful day's march, it's time for bed in the woods, and as is his want, Bill casts Sequester. He gets a critical, meaning that 50 suits of Animated Armor appear to help guard them.
"These automatons will watch over us as we sleep!"
"So, like Morris?"
"Not that creepy."

-The next day, they run into some orc zombies in the forest.

-The dog and the cynical cleric join the fight, but "Sandals" proves useless.
"I know how to identify plants from my time as a boy scout. Are the zombies vulnerable to poison ivy? Because I found some over here."
"No, but if the Drunken Master is still alive you'll prove a great help to him."

-"Cleric Zabaz, I need some healing. What alignment are you?"
"I'm Lawful Fuck You, that's what I am!"

-The party passes by a small army of orcs gathered around the gutted ruins of an ancient Elven Dome.

-That night the team breaks up into watches. Morris is stuck keeping watch with Sandals, because no one else wants to do a watch with either of them.
"We can make knots to pass the time!"
"Even the other boy scouts thought you sucked, didn't they?"
"I was actually the only kid in my troupe. My mom was the scoutmaster; she thought I was cool!"





-A random minotaur encounter happens. The entire party wakes up to a swearing-match between the Minotaur jock and the disgruntled cleric.
"Oh fuck you!"
"Fuck you!!"
"FUCK YOU!"
"FUUUUCK YOOUUU!!"

-Sandals got injured.
"Can you heal me, Mr. Cleric?"
"No. G.O.D. hates us all, but he hates you most of all."

-The PCs carry on, and find the ruined temple! Entering, they find an enormous statue of the Lord of Blood and Fire. They also get ambushed by a group of orcs who got there just before them.

-Sandals gets hit again, and Chu rushes to his aid!
"I can't let him die like this!"
"Why the fuck not?!"

-The disgruntled cleric makes creative use of Word of Command: "SHIT!"

-Still under attack from an Orc, Sandals first attempts to offer his spear to the orc as a gift, and then his bag of nuts, but the orc just keeps attacking.
"Fight him you moron!"
"That wouldn't be very friendly of me, would it? It'd just get him madder!"

-"I'll throw another javelin, at the orc fighting Chu!"
"Are you going to roll to hit, or do you just want to save time and throw it on the ground with all the other weapons you've dropped so far?"

-Finally, the orcs are slain.
"Well, I've got the spear back and my nuts are safe!"

-"Alright, who the fuck took damage?"
"I did, Mr.Cleric!"
"Anyone?"
"Me!"
"So no one hurt?"
"I am!!!"
"Ok then, guess I'll just heal myself."

-The party camps out inside the temple. "Sandals" slept naked, except for his sandals and socks.
"Anyone want some nuts? It's good breakfast food."

-Dawn comes with another Minotaur attack. Chu, Sandals, and Bill are all hurt, and the Cleric gets a shitload of disapproval as he curses god for failing spells.

-Bill gives the cleric 100gp. He puts it away.
"Aren't you going to use that to sacrifice to G.O.D. so your disapproval goes down?"
"Fuck that."




-"We're injury buddies now, Mr.Chu! Actually, we're more than injury buddies, we're injury Besties!!"
"Put some goddamn clothes on!"

-Bill charms "Sandals". Sandals is successfully charmed. Bill commands him to take off the sandals. "Sandals" gets a second save and succeeds.
"I'm still your friend, but my sandals are sacred!"

-The PCs discover that the massive statue of the Lord of Blood & Fire is actually hollow, and has rooms inside. They decide to go investigate.
"I'll stay here, and I'll bark if any orcs approach"
"...or a squirrel."
"I don't like you, fishman."
"have a jerky treat!"
"No! I.. oh goddamn it... *munch*"
"Who's a good boy!"
"Stop it!"
"Your tail's wagging!"
"Damn you!!"

-The interior of the statue is full of machinery and controls; the PCs are fairly certain that it's a kind of mecha.

-Bill decides that the best way to avoid any potential ambush or trap in the next room down the stairs is to drop a grenade down there. This ruins a bunch of machinery and starts a small fire.

-Once the fire is out, they decide to play it extra cautious and send Sandals down to investigate first. It turns out that neither Bill's grenade or the fire did any harm to the shadow-creatures that were waiting in ambush. Sandals is promptly disemboweled!




-The rest of the team defeats the shadows. Chu removes the socks from Sandal's corpse.
"There, that was bugging me so much!"

-The dog calls out to them from outside "Everything alright up there?"
"Yes, everything is fine. Sandals is dead."
"Oh. That's...a..thing that happened."

-They go down to yet another room, and there find what appears to be an engine or furnace of some kind. They can't immediately figure out what it runs on, so they dismember Sandal's body, toss it into the furnace and light it on fire, in the hopes it'll do something.  It doesn't.

-Bill then decides to try to "Mend" the entire statue. He succeeds, repairing the damage that neglect and Bill himself caused. But mending the statue still doesn't provide a power source.






-They do notice a nearly-empty bin by the furnace with some crystals in it. When they toss a crystal into the furnace and pull the 'on' lever, it crackles with energy and comes alive, but only for a minute!

-They also found a mining elevator leading down to some large cavern underneath the statue. Figuring that there might be more power crystals down there, they plan to head in that direction.


That's it for this session. Next time, the PCs will be trying to find a way to power the statue, cause immense mayhem with it, and hopefully keep it so they can go devastate Tholia with it like Morris wanted.

Stay tuned!

RPGPundit

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DCC Campaign Log
« Reply #77 on: October 16, 2017, 01:59:46 AM »
DCC Campaign Update: Almost Everyone Useful is Dead... and the Fishman


As of the end of last adventure, the stalwart PCs were inside an ancient  giant robot presumably in the shape of the Lord of Blood and Fire.  They had found, at the bottom of the mecha/statue a kind of service elevator leading down to a cave, and were considering exploring it; since even though they had Mended the mecha they were unable to figure out how to power it up.

Now:

-"Woof woof! There are people out here! I do not know these people! Woof woof woof!"




-The people that Wally the Airedale-Terrier/scout/lookout alerted the PCs to turn out to be more PCs! The Drunken Master has arrived along with a trio of newbies.
The Drunken Master was last seen abandoned by the rest of the party, unconscious in a field full of adorable bunnies that the PCs later learned were the spies and agents of Queen Zoey of Coolland (for whom they are now questing). He was given CPR by the bunnies and wandered off into the woods after his recovery.


-"*hic* Hello! I'm looking for my group..."
"... we wish you luck with that!"

-The newbies accompanying him are a Dwarven Kidnapper, a Halfling Chicken-Rider, and a Yellow-mutant Hobo.

-"Hey.. is there a doctor with you guys? I don't think my pee should be red!"

-"We have a job for you. We want you and your new friends to go down this elevator into a dark pit."
"I'm drunk, not stupid. I told my last party that!"
"We were your last party!"

-"So who's going down the shaft?"
(in stereo) "The Newbies!"






-"Look, we're only going to lower them halfway down so they can get a view of the cave. It's not like we're sending them to their certain doom!"
"Well, knowing you guys.."

-"We're trying to find some crystals, we think that they power the giant robot/statue"
"I still think we can just stuff corpses into the furnace."
"Corpses, crystals... more testing is required."

-"So if we tap on the basket three times, someone will pull us up?"
"No, but if you start to scream in agony and terror we'll cut the cable and close the hatch."

-"Guys are we even sure the libram of whatever is up there?"
"Holy shit, that was like two adventures ago, you fucking drunk!"

-"you know.. there could be alcohol down there.."
"I told you already, I may be drunk but I'm not... how much alcohol?"

-"Are you telling me not one of you fucking guys has a torch?!"
"well *hic* I don't like to get too close to fire.."






-"Fishman, can your new spell create the illusion of light??"
"He can't even create the illusion of competence!"
"man, when even the GM is making fun of your character..."
"That wasn't me, that was the NPC priest... but I do feel the same way."

-"Wait, can't Ekim's Mystical Mask give you infravision?"
"It can! Holy shit, it's actually fucking useful!"
"Wait.. it can only do that for 2 rounds."
"Oh for fuck's sake!"
"LOL, for one brief shining moment you thought that spell didn't totally suck!"

-"Oh wait you guys, I actually have a flashlight on me! I forgot!"
"fuck's sake!"

-"ok, get us down three-quarters of the way!"
"I can't! I'm shit at fractions!"

-"There's something moving down there... keep going but not all the way!"
"That's what she said!"

-Bill takes a literal 'shot in the dark' with a pistol.
"You can't do that with a magic missile, you know."

-"Why don't we just toss Morris down the hole?"
"I don't think we should be encouraging the creep to get anywhere near holes."

-"You know I have Spider Climb.. I am helpful sometimes!"
"Oh yeah... it's so rarely that we forget."

-Bill tries to cast a spell, but ends up receiving a vision from Sezrekan that would allow him to gain a new spell if he spends 24 hours in pure meditation.
"We're going to wait 24 hours, so we can be 'stronger together'".
"I've never trusted anyone who ever said that."

-The halfling is looking for a giant chicken to tame and ride; it's a test of manhood among his tribe.
"Well, you might just get yourself a magic chicken..we're hoping to receive another call from the Grand Council of Wizards".

-"So what do you do, dwarf?"
"I'm a professional kidnapper."
"What do you know? We now have a literal kidnapper in our party, and Morris is still the creepiest guy in the group."

-"This party once had a literal agent of the Lord of All Flesh, daemon of hedonism and erotic perversity, and he was less creepy than Morris!"

-"Cleric Zabaz, how about you take first watch with me?"
"How about fuck you, I won't do any watch. You want cure light wounds in the morning, don't you bitch?"
"So does Cure Disease cure lung cancer, dude?"

-The next morning, there's a minotaur attack! Morris spends 3 luck points on doing extra damage, but doesn't quite kill him!
"Drunken master, you have the chance to do the kill shot!"
"You had me at 'shot'"

-In fact, the drunken master fails his chance, so Morris spends another 2 points to finally get the kill. That means he starts the day 5 luck points down.

-Bill completes his meditation, and successfully obtains the Magic Shield spell.
"So what does that do?"
"Well, there's two things you have to know about Magic Shield.  The First is that it's a shield..."

-The party finally piles into the elevator; Morris volunteers to stay up top and pull the crank to lower the rest of the group, figuring he'll be safer that way.  Unfortunately, a shadow-creature that had been hiding in the room chooses that moment to attack (when the party are about halfway down the 200' drop to the cave).  Panicked, Morris snaps the crank and pulls himself down the rope, while the elevator plunges the rest of the way down doing massive damage to everyone inside.
"Thanks to you half the party might be dead!"
"I feel guilty about that."
"You ARE guilty!"
"Killing most of the party is frowned upon, you know!"

-Tragically, the Fishman is dead!  So is the yellow mutant and the halfling chicken-rider but no one cares much about that.

[ATTACH=CONFIG]1788[/ATTACH]


-Bill, Chu, and the Drunken Master survived. The Drunken Master is particularly affected by his brush with the grim reaper.
"I'm going to change my life, you guys.. I swear from this day forward I'll never set foot inside an elevator again."

-"Morris pretends to be sad, but on the inside he's really happy"






-The cave they fell into is full of extra-mutated radioactive mutants! There's a brief fight, but they get scared off after the party shoots a couple of them and Bill 'flames on' with Control Fire.
Since Bill is stuck being on fire for another hour or so, Chu chops up the Fishman and makes cooks fishman-kebobs off Bill's aura of flame.

-The party moves on to a cave filled with gems; but when Chu approaches a big pile of gems there turns out to be a pair of hideous demons hiding in the pile! Chu gets himself poisoned by their attacks.

-The Drunken Master manages to take up the fight, and one of the demons falls, but then the Drunken Master is taken down by a demon too.





-Zabaz uses Word of Command on the other demon: "Fuck!"
The demon immediately starts humping his fallen partner's corpse.

-Sadly, both Chu and the Drunken Master are dead now too. The rest of the PCs mourn, and then stuff every last gem they can into the briefcase of holding.

-"well, almost everyone who could actually do anything in this party is dead... and the Fishman"


-"We're going to have to proceed as usual: planning carefully at every step."
"We do that?"

-"Everyone is dead because of you, you shit!"
"You aren't dead..."
"Only because G.O.D. won't let me die!"

-The party makes their way to the shore of an underground pond. There, they find that the radioactive mutants have set up a cage filled with sacrificial prisoners/replacement PCs.  There's a Cold Mutant Thief that the party already met previously, and a human they previously knew too (only now he's become a Cleric in the Cult of Ack'basha, and renamed himself "Uncle Shebubu").  There's also a hideous Transparent Mutant sailor, a mutant rock-musician bard with a combination lute/axe (who can't actually speak or sing above a whisper), and a human shit-disturber from Arkhome.

-The transparent mutant sailor is also a cyclops, but he still has an eyepatch, he just puts it to the side of his head, in a desperate and doomed attempt to fit in.

-Just as the characters are getting introduced, a Giant Tentacle bursts out of the pond and starts to attack. Note that it's not a 'tentacle monster', just a seemingly autonomous Giant Tentacle.





-"I failed my Holy Sanctuary spell! Why, G.O.D, why??"
"Welcome to the life of a cleric, bitch!"






-The Cold Mutant is actually self-aware; he and the Fishman had both been temporarily swept up to the Crown of Creation when Nikos the Wizard had his apotheosis, and as a result they both came to realize that they were in fact just player characters, and for the same player. Thus, the Cold Mutant knows he was also the Fishman, and he's pretty pissed at his character having just died.

-"So what's the Cold Mutant's name?"
"Hum."
"Whom?"
"No! Goddamnit don't you dare!"
"So Hum goes next?"
"too late"
"So now you've gone from playing a guy whose name no one remembered to playing one Hum's name no one will allow you to forget."

-"You're supposed to be a fucking cleric?? What happened to your dignity?"
"What dignity? I'm a cultist of Ack'Basha!"





-"That transparent mutant is hideous!"
"Yeah, he could actually use Ekim's Mystical Mask...ironic."

-"What did you fuckers do with my previous body??"
"Which one was it? There were so many corpses this adventure.."

-Transparent mutants are apparently Bill the Elf fans; on account of how both they and Bill are almost universally despised.
"Wait, are you Bill the Elf??"
"...depends who's asking?"

-"that Cold Mutant is the fucking Fishman somehow! I'm telling you, he switched bodies, like Bill supposedly did!"
"Maybe the Fishman was working for Sezrekhan all along?"
"Could that be one of the powers of Ekim's Mystical Mask?"

-"Shebubu" the Ack'basha cultist of course thinks Bill is the 'evil one'. He and the Cold Mutant squabble. Bill doesn't really give a fuck.





-The party moves on and finds an elaborate chest, which turns out to be trapped. Morris tries very delicately to disarm and open it. But the Shit Disturber accuses the whole party of cowardice and breaks the chest open, activating the explosive fire trap.  Incredibly, in spite of having only 4 Luck, he survives it.

-The chest contains a variety of riches, and a mysterious key.
"I was the one who opened the chest, so I'm the one who should get the stuff inside."
"I agree, and also I'm going to be staying the fuck away from you."

-"I'm not a selfish person.."
"You killed half the party just to avoid a shadow!"

-"There's a lot of fucking division in this party. I blame G.O.D."
"I blame the guy who killed half the party!"

-the group then finds their way into a ritual chamber which contains a portal to the demiplane of Blood & Fire. Unfortunately, a hideous bloody flaming creature that looks like a cross between a triceratops and a flying insect comes through the gate and attacks!
"Look out a..."
"A tricerawasp!"

-the Tricerawasp manages to kill the incredibly unlucky shit-disturber.

-"I'll throw a jug of rum at the tricerawasp!"
"Your alcoholic PC is turning in his grave."

-"Use your Word of Command: Shit spell!"
"No, it'll shit fire or something!"

-"You hit it with your lute-axe. Now your lute-axe is on fire"
"I rock out!"





-(whispered) "My lute has burned up... I'll have to become a vocalist"

The demon of the Plane of Blood and Fire, Bill Ward-Portals the hell out of the gateway. Now the PCs just have to find out how to get out of these caves and back up to the Demon Mecha before the Duke of Abstinence gets to it. They are still divided between whether they want to try to make it work, or just destroy it and beat the Duke in some other fashion.

Stay tuned for more DCC greatness!

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DCC Campaign Log
« Reply #78 on: October 23, 2017, 04:21:42 PM »
DCC Backstage: The Backstagening pt. 5.0


Ready for some more inane chatter from my DCC group?  Lately, the campaign has been so good, and the conversation about it between sessions so non-stop, that I can't really keep up.  Here's a slightly edited version of the last while.


Chu/Shebubu: I don't remember Bill finally accepting his trans-racialness but I am OK with it.

Morris:



Bill: By now Bill does not give a fuck about his looks, unless he gets to be an elf again.  And even then, bill will probably not give a fuck. Right now Bill just wants his staff and to know who the fuck is the wizard guy in the nether zone and bring him back. And that's just grazing the idea that bill ever gave a fuck about anything after ted's death.

Chu/Shebubu: Well, he did have a gigantic hate boner for, Sandy, Dr Theobald and Akbasha.

Morris: And destroying Tholia, don't forget that.

Chu/Shebubu: Nah, Bill just goes to places and fucks them up, He just left Tholia in the backburner.

Morris: But that's a problem, because if we kill that 1000th minotaur, that weird wizard will be immortal.

Bill: Hate and giving a fuck is different.

Morris: And that's immoral... because *?

Chu/Shebubu: Eh, it doesn't really matter if he is or isn't immortal.

Bill: Immortal and unkillable is very different.

Morris: I don't want to accomplish his fucking dream

Chu/Shebubu: I mean if we really cared about people with immortality we would go and try to stop the Snake King in the southern continent so he would stop cutting the heads of kings.

Morris: What the actual fuck?

Bill: That's still a thing?

Morris: THAT'S A THING?

Bill: We could totally do that after Coolland.

Chu/Shebubu: Who knows, it has been like 2 months since the last information we got from him, but sadly, I don't think anyone that knew about him is alive.

Bill: We could go places and be like a pacifying force.

Morris: Meh, I can wait, killing spontaneous minotaurs is fun.
Pacif-what?

Bill: Especially when not being the minotaur's main target.

Morris: I mean, if we stop these minotaurs.. I'll miss them.

Chu/Shebubu: Yeah, I think we should leave the minotaurs for now until we solve the Bill staff thing, which would send us to that convocation where we will probably fuck everything up again.

Morris: I'm sure

Chu/Shebubu: I actually forgot about asking Palombo.

Morris: Yay fucking everything up is fun!

Drunken Master/Axe-Bard: fucking everything up is not what we want, but it's what we do.

Chu/Shebubu: Yep, byproduct of our adventures.

Morris: Hey, yes I want

Bill: Collateral Damage. You don't make an omelette without breaking eggs.

Morris: Unless your eggs are already broken. I only have on testicle left thanks to the minotaurs.

Chu/Shebubu: They haven't really hit you at all.

Morris: Not after meeting you.

Bill: Well, smart-pants guerrilla. You don't make an omelette without scrambling them eggs!

Morris: You are my meat shields. I mean, best friends!

Bill: Someone wants the warrior to take his remaining testicle...

Morris: That's... that's fair enough.

Bill: That might turn down your sex drive a bit and make you less creepy. And would add a safety against halfling attacks.  We would have a eunuch in the party, which we never had so far.  Yeah fuck it, let's castrate the thief.

Chu/Shebubu: More diversity in the party is better. :D

Bill: If you become only a small percentage as smart as Varis, Tholia has no chance! I'm sure we can crowd fund your complete castration, imagine all the likes you would get back at the capital of cooland.

Morris:





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DCC Campaign Log
« Reply #79 on: October 24, 2017, 02:48:17 PM »
DCC Backstage: The Backstagening 5.5!
The second part of the epic back-room conversation going on among the players of my spectacular DCC campaign! Check it out:

Morris: Just imagine... a conversation between Chu & Whoom.

Bill: Nightmare.

Fishman/Hoom: Hoom.

Chu/Shebubu: Hoom? You know, your mutant.

Morris: Hoom? Your character!

Fishman/Hoom: Keep doing it. I'll have my revenge.

Chu/Shebubu: You should chill, my friend.

Fishman/Hoom: I AM A FUCKING COLD MUTANT! I AM ALREADY CHILL!

Morris: I don't know what happened to you but I can certainly try to help you in taking your revenge or whatever.

Chu/Shebubu: Well, what happens, happens it's all in His great plan.

Fishman/Hoom: You fucking deserve each other.

Morris: It was my great plan, yeah.

Chu/Shebubu: Yep, we are both humans, he's my Hugga.

Morris: Oh, you mean... forget it.

Fishman/Hoom: I said "fucking deserve" not "deserve fucking".

Chu/Shebubu: Man, way to ruin dreams.

(Pundit added Dwarven Kidnapper to the Conversation)

Pundit: I'll note I think someone left a bag of dice at my place.

Fishman/Hoom: Does it look like it was ripped by a Halfling?  No, I have mine kangaroo's scrotum in my bag.

Drunken Master/Axe-bard: is it black? maybe it's mine

Pundit: Possibly. I don't remember now. Too lazy to check. If your dice are missing, they're the ones that are here.

Drunken Master/Axe-Bard: I'm too lazy to check right now too.  We will figure it out some time, when I need them and I don't have them.

Fishman/Hoom: IT'S A LAZY-OFF

Pundit: Mainly for Dwarven Kidnapper: This is the very long thread from theRPGsite with the archive of past adventures. It's not obligatory reading, but if you want to look feel free. The archive only keeps a record of adventures played up to one full year ago.

And for a more updated glimpse at stuff that happened very recently in the campaign, here's the last two gaming logs:
"DCC Campaign: No Cleric Can Fix What's Wrong With Me"

"DCC Campaign: We're Injury Besties"

Dwarven Kidnapper: ok, i'll read it, thanks. Is this Axe-Bard's Lute-Axe?


Bill: We totally need to Mend that luteaxe.

Dwarven Kidnapper: aye, you're right my witty companion, that's an axe who must be fixed.

Chu/Shebubu: Who is going to fix it?

Bill: Bill.

Chu/Shebubu: Oh, right, you could do that. Like reverse-destroy things.

Bill: Yes. And I roll a D24 for mending.  Need to get one year in the fire plane or the magic plane to increase affinity.

Dwarven Kidnapper: If u let me "take with me" a fine dwarven lass i could wait 1 year...

Bill: Wanna come with to the fire or magic plane?

Dwarven Kidnapper: a fire dwarf who throws fire axes would be nice to be, could i become one there?

Bill: Not that I can think of, you would need some magical type of fire axe.

Chu/Shebubu: G.O.D. always finds a way.

Dwarven Kidnapper: maybe if next time we got ourselves a demon couldn't we try to capture it and use it... i don't know perhaps doing some weird soul magic thingy and make it a fire demon axe? it's that a possibility?

Chu/Shebubu: Nah. You need to know how to make magic swords.

Bill: and guess who is the only one even near that level of wizardry? But does not have the spell...

Chu/Shebubu: And either way, I am not going to go and feed him and take it out to walks.

Bill: Exactly.

Dwarven Kidnapper: A demon pet sounds nice...

Bill: we already have a potential high maintenance demon idol; plus a demon pet, sounds very expensive. Vet, food, chip, toys, flee medicine, rabies shots, all that stuff. And washing, who will wash a fire demon? I know I'm not!

Dwarven Kidnapper: We could get more people to do it for us! I know a way or two.. it's easy. And cheap!

Bill: if we get one, he is all yours, but if he turns on you, I'm gonna be obliged to say: I told you so.

Chu/Shebubu: And then again I am the only one that can potentially bind it if I ever get to level 3, But then again, I am probably going to die around the next 30 minutes If I continue the Goodie-two-shoes cleric act.

Bill: I never killed any cleric, just for his personality...Actually, I never killed a cleric, period

Chu/Shebubu: Not saying you.

Bill: Well, there seems to be a very murderous thief among us. Are you referring to him?

Chu/Shebubu: Two to be exact.

Bill: Oh yeah, the sniper thief. But I doubt that one wants to kill you just for being a cleric.

Chu/Shebubu: He wants to kill because he haves no chill : ^)
Doesn't matter, loving this cleric either way.

Bill: and as a standard, clerics are quite annoying as fuck.

Fishman/Hoom: Related to your last article:





That's it for today! Stay tuned for more later.


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DCC Campaign Log
« Reply #80 on: November 01, 2017, 01:48:20 AM »
DCC Campaign Update: Could I Negotiate With Someone a Little Less Stupid?


As of last session, our PCs were in the caves below the temple of the Lord of Blood and Fire. They had found (and "mended") the giant magical battle mecha in the form of the aforementioned Daemon, and had gone down into the cave to try to find the specific gems that they believe powered the mecha.




But they'd had a pretty bad time down there, with the death of several of their key members (Chu, the Drunken Master, and the Fishman wizard); most of them killed due to the fault of Morris the Creep. However, their numbers were quickly replaced by a cleric from the cult of Ackbasha named Shebubu, a bard with an axe-lute who can't speak above a whisper, and a guy named Whoom that is knows he's the new PC of the player who formerly played the Fishman. They'd just finished taking out a demonic monster from the demiplane of Blood and Fire, and sealed the gate to that demiplane (at least, temporarily, using Ward Portal).

Now:

-"Bill won't die by accident. Only through his own stupidity, or the effort of someone (let's face it, probably the other PCs) to actively try to kill him"

-"Where's Shebubu?"
"His player didn't come today."
"What the fuck are you talking about, Whoom?"
"Never mind"
"Anyways, I'm sure he'll turn up"
"The other 0-level guy that came with the Whisperbard is gone too you know, now that Whisperbard is lv.1"
"huh? you talk weird"

-Morris: "Did someone die last time?"
"What the fuck?! You really just said that??"

-"I look forward to seeing a conversation between the Whisperbard and Bolt-0! A dude who can't speak above a whisper and a robot who can't modulate the tone of his own voice..."

-"I don't cast Mend that often. Usually we only break things."

-"Bill wants to commit genocide on the radioactive mutants?"
"Yes"
"But... you ARE a radioactive mutant!"
"Only temporarily"




-"Who has Chu's bag?"
"Whoom?"
"You do?"
"Whoom's bag are you talking about?"
"Exactly!"
"You fuckers."

-"I have no idea who has the bag."
"Bill, you're holding it in plain sight!"

-"I want to destroy the idol!"
"Me too!"
"Whoa... are you some kind of mind reader or something?"




-"These idiots want to use the Idol to destroy Tholia! It's not even on the same continent! How would we even get there?"
"What's a tholia?"
"We call it Minotauria"
"Is that a land full of Minotaurs?"
"Exactly! That's why they should have called it Minotauria!"

-Suddenly, the party suffers another random minotaur attack!
"From minotauria?"
"There's no place called that!"
Fortunately, the party had sequester up, which meant this particular minotaur immolated himself in 1/6th of a combat round.
"See? That's why we want to keep being attacked by minotaurs! Easy XP!"




-The party has to get back up to the mecha idol, and Morris, who was responsible for wrecking the lift and killing half the party, is drafted to be the one to climb the 200' cable to the top.
"Can't someone go with me??"
Whisperbard: "I can go right behind you, and shout down to the others if you get attacked by the shadow monster"

-The party decides to rest the night before the climb.
"Ok, the password for the new sequester is 'Chu'".
"How many?"
"There's Chu passwords?"

-"The wizard Nikos and I are pals!"
"I love that you think that."
"Didn't he kill your brother Ted? And wasn't that what drove you insane and turned you into history's greatest monster?"
"That's like the Joker being grateful to Batman for making him what he is."

-"Someone needs to keep watch."
"I'll keep watch you guys."
"Oh great. Now someone needs to stay up to keep an eye on Morris while he keeps watch."
"#creepyjuggler"





-Half the party has taken to whispering back when the whisperbard talks to them.
"Stop whispering, you fucks!"

-"So it's decided: we're going to do on purpose what we usually do unintentionally... fuck everything up!"




-It turns out the Shadow-beast is still in the sequester-area of the engine room. It tries to attack.  Whisperbard throws Bill (in a Colossus/Wolverine "fastball special" style) up into the room but he ends up falling flat on his face.

-Whoom climbs into the room, but forgets to say the password to enter the sequester and ends up brutally self-immolating!
Note: this was after all the players were just reminded of the password, and after a lengthy discussion with Bill's Player about whether or not he needed to say the password. There was literally NO excuse for Whoom's player forgetting to say the password literally two minutes after all this.

(the rest of the party had this reaction):



-"Whoom the Self-Aware was self-aware of everything except how not to catch fire."

-"Well, Whoom's death marks the end of the self-aware characters."
"Thank god!"

-"Whoom failed his luck check. He's definitely dead."
"Morris is going to neck-stab him a few times, just in case."

-Once the Shadow-creature is destroyed, the PCs put Whoom to rest by kicking his corpse down the shaft into the cave.
"Goodnight, sweet prince!"
"He'll be missed... whatever his name was."

-Getting back to the temple, they of course find Wally the Airdale Terrier/Scout with three newbie 0-level PCs: A Mutant Mutant-Hunter (with psychic powers), a Mutant Equestrian (with a horse named "buttercup"), and a Dwarven Rat-Catcher.

-"Do we really want to join this party?  We may get cancer from the radiation mutant!"
"Oh please, none of you are going to live long enough to die of cancer!"

-"Man, I thought your Mutant-hunter was going to be like a bounty hunter or something, not a fucking degenerate."

-"This mutant-hunter is a freaking creep, but he may or may not be worse than Morris."

-"this forest was created by G.O.D.! So I say we burn it to the ground."

-There's a weird feature to the world of the Last Sun: there's lots of normal animals who can talk, and lots who can't.  There isn't really any visible difference between the two, until one starts talking.





-"If my horse can't talk, and goes through the sequester but I call out the password as I ride it through, it won't catch fire, right?"
"well, you can't be sure."

-The PCs decide to hold out in the temple, and to attract the Duke of Abstinence and his army of orcs, they start banging on their shields and making noise. The Whisperbard plays his axe-lute.

-Some Orcs do show up, but they're zombie orcs. They die crossing the sequester. The PCs light their corpses on fire in the hopes the smoke will attract the Duke.

-Instead, a Minotaur appears!  The Psychic Mutant Mutant-Hunter tries to use his "dominate" power to control the Mutant, but the cost is so high it leaves him completely paralyzed.
"The Mutant gimped himself!"

-Night falls.
"During his watch, Morris stares creepily at all the other PCs while they sleep."




-In the morning, the Mutant Equestrian wakes up to see a huge army of orcs assembled outside the temple.
"Guys!! This is important, wake up! Hurry!"
"What??"
"Do any of you have a horse-brush on you?"

-"Attention, scum!"
"I think they're talking to us..."

-The Duke is somewhere in the forest, surrounded by 300 orc mercenaries.

-"Could I negotiate with someone a little less stupid?"
"I don't think that's possible."

-Attempts at negotiation fail, and Bill decides to fuck it all and maxes out on a Cloudkill spell. He kills two-thirds of the orcish army in one round.

-The Dwarven Rat-Catcher is killed by a hail of arrows, and Bill is somewhat injured.

-"Can you heal me, cleric?"
"Fine, but only because you're going to kill a shitload of G.O.D.'s creatures!"
"Just like Ack'basha used to!"

-"Did we leave anyone alive in the forest?"
"Dude, even the birds are dead."






-Suddenly, there's yet another minotaur attack!  Bill sacrifices his last remaining magic sword to regain his Magic Missile spell, and then fails his roll, accomplishing nothing.

-"G.O.D. damn it! Literally!"
Zabaz the God-hating cleric manages to delay the minotaur with "Word of Command: Shit", allowing the newbies to make short work of him.

-"At this point there's been so many minotaur attacks that when I open the DCC book it flips naturally to the 'minotaur' entry."





-The next day, when the PCs are triumphantly returning to Gaga City, there's another minotaur attack. Bill injures it with a magic missile and promptly vanishes to the Neutral Zone. The minotaur gores the Whisperbard right through the heart.  Tragically, the whisperbard has died!

-Bill finds the transparent mutant pirate (now a 1st level wizard) in the Neutral Zone.
"How the hell did he end up there??"
"He became a little TOO transparent"

-The people of Gaga were forewarned by their bird-based social networking that the PCs were arriving, and they greet their heroes with a huge party. The PCs learn they are to be guests of honor at Queen Zoey's ceremonial pole-dance.

-The wizard Palombo is there too. He only has a small library but promises Bill (and the transparent wizard) that they can use it.

-Harembe (Queen Zoey's apeman bodyguard) is there too, having just arrived from Highbay.




-When rewards are being handed out, the mutant equestrian gets in line, hoping no one will notice that he wasn't with the original party that set out.
"Your highness, I would like to be one of your knights!"
"I'm sorry, who are you?"

-In a surprising act of party fraternity, the other PCs insist that the equestrian was crucial to the party's success, so Zoey knights him anyway.

-"After what you have done for my kingdom, you are all welcome to stay here as long as you like! Or until you become unpopular."
"So.. not long then?"

That's it for this week. We'll see how long the PCs manage to keep up their heroic reputation in Coolland. Will they turn a corner and start being good guys? Or is this just a temporary blip in an otherwise perfect career thus far of fucking everything up beyond belief?
Stay tuned to find out!

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DCC Campaign Log
« Reply #81 on: November 18, 2017, 05:03:10 AM »
DCC Campaign Update: The Fire Vampire doesn't have a Twitter account



Our heroes, having defeated the Duke of Abstinence's orcish army, were welcomed to Coolland as conquering heroes, and invited by it's new Queen, Zoey Half-Elven, to stay for "as long as they like, or until they become unpopular".

Now:

-"Do you think we can stay here for two weeks?"
"I doubt we'll be able to stay popular for two weeks."

-"We've lost sight of Morris. We're probably going to be unpopular in days."

-"So Bill wants to sequester himself with Palombo inside his room with him for two weeks?"
"It's not weird!"

-Coolland's court wizard, Palombo, does not belive in daemon patrons: "too high a price to pay, I always said"
"Yeah, Look at me! I used to look like an Elf. Now I'm a radioactive mutant."

-"Can't these random minotaur attacks you suffer be stopped at the source?"
"Well, they could, but they're good from time to time"
"All your friends are dead."
"Sure.. but I'm not."
"Ah, so they're good for YOU."

-As it proves impossible to avoid the risk of random minotaur attacks, Bill and the others are forced to camp out in the field of fluffy bunnies, outside Gaga (Coolland's capital city).
"Palombo, can I take your rare magical encyclopedia with me?"
"er..."
"Come on!"
"well.."
"Nah, on second thought, never mind. I'll never get around to reading it anyways."

-The party members that haven't wandered off on their own (so really just Bill, and the Transparent Mutant Wizard named Bunda), set up a tent for themselves in the field, and Bill starts trying to study to obtain the Locate Object spell.

-Shebubu the Cleric shows up; he'd moved away from the group down in the caves under the temple of the Lord of Blood and Fire, and when he came back the group had left him behind. He finally managed to get out and made it back to Gaga.
"Where's Morris?"
"We don't know, off creeping somewhere."
"That's too bad.. I kind of like it when someone watches me while I sleep."

-"You know, Gaga is full of weirdos. I saw we never go back."

-"We'll stay here while Mr.Bill studies his spell"
"Please, just call me Bill"
"Yes, Bill, sir!"

-Then, a trio of female newbies arrive, looking to join the famous heroes: a boatswine, a hipster elf artisanal candle-maker (her candles don't work), and a halfling sniper.





-"Hello..do you guys have that sequester thing on that will kill me?"
"No, but if you did, you wouldn't be able to tell"

-"So, can we join your group?"
"You... WANT to join us?"
"They're all surprised about this because usually 0-level newbies have to be kidnapped into joining this group"



-The applicants are interviewed.
"Is your morality... flexible? Like, if you needed to destroy an entire city, would you be cool with that?"
"It depends on the city."
"...OK, you're in."

-"I'm still confused. Do they really want to join us?? Are you sure they aren't some kind of illusion??"

-"I'll use my clerical power to detect lies, to make sure they're not some kind of trap for us!"

-"My boatswine is really quiet. She doesn't like to talk."
"That's pretty smart for a Boatswine. Usually when they talk everyone hates them."

-"Shebubu, take them to the city, gear them up, and above all bring back the receipts!"

-"Oh, we don't sell weapons in Gaga's market. This city is a Safe Space and weapons are triggering!"





-Shebubu and the newbies try to see if they can get some weapons from the palace.  It turns out they had forgotten that the people of Coolland really like Elves; in part because the Royal Family claims to be descended from them.  Emily the elf is immediately invited to meet Queen Zoey.

-She's introduced to the Queen as "Ambassador Emily of the Transparent Dome".  Queen Zoey is of course happy to give her "elven kin" anything she needs, and invites her to a 'vegan dinner' that night.




-Harembe takes the PCs aside after the audience: "Alright, who are you really??"
"Well, I'm a cleric.."
"No cleric would join Bill the elf of their own free will!"
"He forced me."
"...that checks out."

-"well, he is a cleric, he wouldn't lie about x" is rapidly becoming Shebubu's motto.

-Harembe warns Emily that whatever she does, she should not question Zoey's claims of elven descent, and she should not question the "veganness" of the meal.

-Harembe goes to check on Bill: "So these people just WANTED to join you?"
"I know, it surprised us too. If it's a trap, they're only asking for trouble by joining us anyways!"

-At the royal dinner, Emily quickly realizes the "Vegan" beef is actually just beef.

-"I have a present for you, your majesty.. It's a BFF candle."
"Omigod! This is so awesome! I never had a BFF before! Actually, I never even had an 'F' before..."
Emily gets the feeling Queen Zoey leads a lonely existence.






-The Transparent Wizard realizes his "lesser rune" spell allows him to make a permanent "sleep" rune on a stone. Obviously, he makes one.





-Suddenly, another Minotaur attack! This minotaur is dressed as a fast-food restaurant employee.  The Transparent Wizard tries the sleep rune, and it works!

-Bill fails his second Sequester spell in a row; and now he's got a phobia of silk (along with his previous phobias for iron and frogs).

-Shebubu goes back to town, trying to set up a tour service for people to pay 1sp to come see Bill the Elf studying magic! He gets a lot of customers, but they get bored pretty quick, and he ends up with 14 'dislikes'. Then the Transparent Wizard scares them off.

-Another minotaur attack! The 0-levels are surprisingly effective. Espeically Yarr the halfling sniper, who takes the Minotaur down with a critical.

-"If the Minotaurs are after you, why don't you disguise yourself?"
"the minotaurs are drawn to me naturally"
"Like to a cow in heat?"
"Minotaurs aren't attracted to cows! Are you attracted to monkeys? ...Actually, don't answer that."

-Suddenly, a Minotaur appears! This one as a SWAT minotaur.
"Oh fuck you!!"
Bill gets a natural 20 on Control Fire; meaning he's wreathed in magical fire, surrounded by a wall of fire, and has eight spears made of pure fire.
The minotaur sees that too: "Oh, fuck me...."

-"Unfortunately, now your tent is on fire. And all the magic books you got off Palombo"
"God damnit!! Can I try to rescue some of them?"
"How are you going to do that, grab them? You're on fire too!"


-"Try to save the books, Shebubu!"
"No, I'll use the power of G.O.D. to save them!"
He summons up a tiny breeze that does nothing except help the fire to spread.
"The power of G.O.D. sucks!"






-"I knew it was only a matter of time hanging out with Bill before a book burning would happen"

-The Newbies and Shebubu decide to fuck off to town rather than keep hanging around with Bill, who is just too dangerous to their health.

-"Bill are you going to somehow stop the fire from consuming the whole valley of fluffy bunnies?"
"Nope."




-The PCs arrive at the palace.
"Harembe is called up by the guards, so he comes to the palace door. It's late at night so instead of his armor he's dressed only in his normal robe... well, a giant ape robe"




-Queen Zoey finds out about Emily being there, and decides this is a great time for a slumber party.
"Can Shebubu stay too? He's my spiritual advisor."
"Cool! Can you do my horoscope?"
"What sign are you?"
"The hippogriff".
"Oh, well then everything will... go really well for you."

-"is that all he does?"
"We could play a game of spiritual truth or dare!"
"...how is that different from normal Truth or Dare?"
"It's like that, but with Word of Command"

-"well.. ok."
"Truth or dare?"
"Truth."
"Who do you dislike the most? (Word of Command!)"
"I really don't like Shebubu."

-Harembe suddenly bursts in, kicking the door open "Who used magic???"
"The cleric made me tell him how I don't like him."
"What the fuck is wrong with you??"
"Nothing... I'm really just a shitty cleric."

-Just then, the palace receives a report: apparently the only other town of any significant size in Coolland, Minaj, is being harassed by some kind of hideous monster.
"We could probably deal with that. It's ugly so it's ok to kill it, right?"
"What? No, not just for being ugly! But it does sound like it's also intolerant."

-Bill tries to contact Sezrekhan:
"Hello, this is Sezrekhan! I can't respond to your contact at this time, but if you leave a message after the tone, I'll get back to you.. if I care! *BEEP*"

-Bill takes advantage of his entering the Neutral Zone every time he casts magic missile, to try to find out more about the wizard he saw there, Alamabus.
"See, I cast magic missile and that makes me go to this place where nothing can happen to me, but I can't happen to anyone."
"We all dream of being in a world where Bill doesn't happen."

-The party heads on the road to Minaj, being guided there by their former companion Wally, the talking Airedale Terrier. Bill finally makes a really effective Sequester spell. Unfortunately, in the middle of the night some guy dies horribly immolated when he enters by accident.
"Who the hell was that?"
"who cares?"

-They run into an old peasant woman, armed with a shovel, who gives them odd warnings about Vampires; named Fire Vampires.

-"There's two thing you must know about Fire Vampire!"
"yeah, we know what comes next already."

-"So there's a Fire Vampire coming to kill Bill?"
"Da."
"Where does it come from?"
"It come from plane of blood and fire!"
"And it's made of fire?"
"In plane of blood and fire there are things of blood, and things of fire, and things mixed."

-"What's your name, old woman?"
"I am Elsa."
"Wait... Elsa from Mt. Parnassus??"
"Da."
"Holy shit, I met her. It's me, Elsa. I have a new body now but I'm Bill the Elf!"
"Yes, Elsa remember now. You leave Elsa to die at hands of minotaur."
"Well.. you made it out though, right?"
"Da. But Minotaur destroy Esla's tent. Now Elsa is vampire hunter."




-So how are you going to kill the Fire Vampire, Elsa?"
"Elsa has shovel."

-The PCs reach Minaj, and Bill is further shocked to discover that the "monster" that has been plaguing the town is none other than Priscilla! The former Queen of the Grey Realms, Priscilla looks like a cross between this:



and this:




-After a minotaur encounter, Shebubu tries to heal Elsa but fails and gets Disapproval.
"G.O.D. will not help us. Only shovel will help us!"

-"Say, mr. night-watchman, would you by chance be interested in becoming a follower of G.O.D.?"
"G.O.D. didn't help that old woman.."
"Yes, but that's because she's a gypsy or something!"

-"Can I try to send Priscilla one of those bird messages?"
"Yes, but it can't be more than 140 characters. There's also messenger frogs that let you send up to 300 characters, but no one uses them."




-Priscilla wants Bill to send her back to the Grey Realms so she can retake her throne. She warns that she has something she calls "The Device", which she'll use if she doesn't get her way. It turns out "the Device" is some kind of massive bomb she found in the bunker she's been living in.

-"OK, Priscilla, so let's say we get you back to the Grey Realm; you threaten everyone that you'll blow them to kingdom come if you don't get back your throne.. how will you keep it after that?"
"With the device, dumbass!"
"But you can't exactly just stay by it all the time. You'll have to sleep eventually, won't you? How will you stop them from taking it away from you and dethroning you again?"
"Well.. i... Fuck You!! I'm sick of this! I just want to be fucking Queen again and not have to live in the fucking woods!"

-"No dudes, Priscilla's right, you're way overthinking this."
"You would say that, Bill. Your idea of a sophisticated plan is getting to the roof and throwing grenades around."
"he's never going to live that one down."
"I still say it was a good plan"






-Suddenly, there's a minotaur attack. And at that moment, the Fire Vampire strikes! Bill gets hurt very badly, and uses Magic Missile to escape to the Neutral Zone.

-Priscilla bites the Fire Vampire!
"How the hell do you bite a vampire made of fire??"




-"So is the fire vampire going to die?"
"Hell yeah, bitch! Well, unless it's immune. But if not, it's totally gonna die!"
"How soon?"
"In like a week."
"Fuck's sake."

-The minotaur is slain, and the Fire Vampire disappears in a puff of smoke.
"Did we kill it?"
"Nyet. Fire Vampire target is Bill the Elf."
"So if Bill is gone, it won't attack the rest of us?"
"Da"
"Good!"

-Bill is getting pretty freaked out by all this, so he ends up calling Sezrekhan over and over again until he finally gets him instead of his answering machine.
"I don't have time for you now! I am unraveling the very mysteries of the universe! Soon ALL will be ME!!"
"...OK."

-"We could just try to get out of here. The Fire Vampire can't teleport, so even if it can follow your scent or whatever, if we Planar Step far enough away, it'll buy us a lot of time."
"I'm sick of planar stepping. I always keep planar stepping into bathrooms."

-"You clerics are all pervs! Don't think that just because you got into my good books that means you're gonna get any of this hot body, bitch!"
"Are you hot for Priscilla, Shebubu?"
"Well, I do have really low standards."

-"Cleric could use power of G.O.D. to send away Fire Vampire, if Cleric not suck so bad."
"Sadly, Shebubu does suck so bad."

-"Wait, were you the one who sent that message bird to me?"
"Uh huh!"
"Oh, that was really nice! Also, the bird was delicious."

-The PCs try to send a message bird to negotiate with the Fire Vampire, but it just circles around for a bit then returns.
"The Fire Vampire doesn't have a Twitter account, I guess."

-"I could just make a really good sequester.."
"You mean that spell where you have a fire trap, against the Fire vampire?"
"Oh shit."
"The Lord of Blood and Fire doesn't fuck around. He really knows just what to send against Bill."

-"OK, so let's go get Priscilla's Device and--"
"So you want us to go near a massive explosive device, with the Fire Vampire around?"
"Fuck's sake!"

-"We should contact the palace and let them know we beat the grey monster"
Priscilla: "What grey monster?"

-"Hey Wally, have you by chance ever been baptized into the faith of G.O.D.?"
"No! I do not like baths."





-"Look, I still think we should just planar step far away."
"That doesn't solve anything though; it might take him a long time to find us, but sooner or later the Fire Vampire would catch up!"
"Yeah, but that's a problem for Future Us!"
"That's how you got into this mess in the first place! You make a shitload of enemies, go away, forget about them, and then they all show up at once like in this stupid adventure!"

-"Where could we even run to? Aside from Coolland, everyone hates us everywhere we've ever been."

-The Transparent Wizard remembers he comes from a community of outcast Transparent Mutants who idolize Bill: "We could go to my village!"

-"We could go to Tholia and give the bomb to the rebels!"
"Yeah, that totally wouldn't end well."

-"We could go south!"
"This party always ends up 'going south', sooner or later."

-"I've been thinking... Ok."
"You just said "OK" like you solved something. You haven't."

-"So how could you get rid of the minotaur problem?"
"Well, we could get rid of all the minotaurs. Or all their underwear."

-"So what's the damn plan??"
"Nothing. We stick around and kill the vampire. Or more likely, wait around until the vampire kills Bill."





And at at that point, the session having hit its time limit, and the party being totally out of ideas of what the fuck to do, we decided to end for the day, and at least give the players a couple of weeks to come up with a plan.
I have every confidence, knowing them, that they won't actually come up with anything, and will just solve things the way they usually do: utterly disastrous half-assed improvization.

Stay tuned for more exciting DCC adventures!


RPGPundit

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(November 17, 2016)
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DCC Campaign Log
« Reply #82 on: November 20, 2017, 01:52:46 AM »
DCC Campaign: The Backstagening Pt. VI
Here's some more of the transcript of our backstage conversations from my DCC campaign (dating from the last couple of sessions):


Shebubu: Oh, Whoom an heroed himself.

Hoom/Equestrian: Someone WAS going to die for not saying the password. Turned out to be him.
But besides the self-awareness, nothing of value was lost. He was a level 1, and had the worst stats i've ever seen in a character.

Shebubu: Welcome to death by Bill town, Population 2 PCs and countless civilizations.

Hoom/Equestrian: It used to be a nice town, but lately minotaurs started moving in.

Pundit: "The minotaurs are easy xp" does not seem to be a theory that's working out well for you guys.

Shebubu: Well, I (Chu) didn't die because of a minotaur, I died because of bullshit demon poison.

Hoom/Equestrian: Mercury poisoning.
You should have cooked Losha better.

Pundit: From a quote on theRPGsite: "well, in the campaign I'm planning on running, Bill the Elf will be a god / patron..."

Bill: BWAH HAH HAH!!
I'm looking fw to know what are his spells, taints and background story
The germans have a word for what this party does all the time:





Pundit:
too bad the #creepyjuggler won't be coming tomorrow.

Morris: if the team stays in the town, I will be juggling in the creepiest ways, disrupting houses to cuddle people, and that kind of shit

Pundit: Hope we'll see you next time.

Bill: well, if we stay, we can't promise that the city will still be in one piece or even exist.
and if you are not there tomorrow, that means that it's gonna be a bunch of level 1 and 0 and Bill
and even in his best mood and behavior, that does not sounds like it's any likely to have a good outcome
too bad you will miss the royal pole dance.

Shebubu: Did Zabaz die?

Bill: nope.

Shebubu: Fuck.

Bill: Still alive and probably cursing that he is.

Morris: OH FUCK THE POLE DANCE! I FORGOT ABOUT IT!!

Bill: I guess you have to make time to come.

Morris: NOOOOOOOH
***


Bill: So is Shebubu coming today?

Shebubu: I am going. We are only missing the Equestrian and Morris.

Bill: So the creep and and the creepy.

Equestrian: Hoooooorseeees

Dwarven Kidnapper: Sorry guys, I'm not going today.

Morris: woooooh

Bill: Darn.

Morris: If Morris is not going, nobody goes. Nobody wants to skip the chance of killing me.

Bill: 4 of us are already here.

Morris: Doh.



***
Pundit: Good session. No one died. Except Bill's sense of security.

Bill: Damn Fire Vampire.

Morris: No one died, because I wasn't there.

Bill: We might be passing by Tholia pretty soon.

Morris: WWEEH

Shebubu: Bill finally found his equal.

Bill: I need to talk to Pertinax and see what's going on with the lord of blood and fire
If there is such a thing, first time we hear of this fire vampire, Bill is pretty well known for all the wrong reasons.
Bill will be happy to have a shebubu nearby.
And fuck off to another far location...

Equestrian: NO ONE IS SAFE.

Bill: Massacre at Ice Dome Zero.
Or visit the Archemaster with his prize.

Equestrian: Can't we give him Priscilla?

Bill: Or get better, and kill the Duke and the vampire? Well Priscilla does fulfill the criteria required by the Archemaster.

Equestrian: Boom. Problem solved.

Bill: Boom, indeed it could be. And I believe You Know Who would be pretty happy to have that guy gone. They can be happy and dead. Then we sort out the Minotaur issue.

Equestrian: Don't we currently own a bomb? I mean, not us, but almost?

Bill: technically, yes.

Equestrian: Isn't it a BIG bomb?

Bill: Give the bomb to the rebels in Tholia.

Equestrian: I don't think that's a good idea.

Bill: It's supposed to be a big bomb, but knowing Priscilla it might just be a flare.

Equestrian: they might NOT use it. It would be easier to just drop the bomb in Minotauria and be done with it.

Bill: Agreed!
Might not be that easy.

Equestrian: Why not? Spell burn, reach Minotauria.

Bill: How does it work? Remote detonation? Timer?

Equestrian: Wait until you're full, spellburn, leave minotauria, sands bomb.

Bill: Planar Step to the roof of the palace and drop the bomb? That plan did not sound good with a grenade.

Equestrian: An idea worth considering, man.

Bill: Indeed. Fuck it, we might kill Pertinax in the process.

Equestrian: Maybe what we needed was VOLUME. Go atomic big or go home.

Bill: Go nuke or go home.
Or get the word out that those underpants will get you killed, and avoid the whole making another enemy.
Bullshit, that never works.

Equestrian: You know what the answer is. Plan A, man. Fuck shit up.



Bill: trojan nuke?

Equestrian: You are still over-complicating it. Just drop it, and be done with it.


Bill: I guess you're right. Keep it simple.

Equestrian: It'll be interesting to see if we kill the wizard before the 1000 minotaurs.

Bill: They need to be killed in battle; he made that clear. Just a general slaughter would not count, I offered to do that.

Equestrian: Then that's it. Remember when this party had a moral compass?


Bill: then the Archemaster. Then why the Lord of Blood and Fire as a beef with Bill. With Locate Object we might be able to find it.

Equestrian: You ARE one of the most powerful servants of Sezrekhan. He might have a beef with your boss.

Bill: Hmmm. But by now as a Daemon he must be aware of the phylactery, would it be just to annoy Sez.
Specially when Sez is studying the Libram of the Ten Spheres, after which he will be all and all will be him?

Equestrian: Look at you, trying to find the reasons of why things happen to us.
That vampire must have scared you quite a bit.
Is wittle ol' Bill scared of the big meanie vampire?

Bill: Or maybe because at the party at mount Parnassus he got the religious fantastic patron and the lord of b&f just got Friend-Zoned.
Bill dislikes frogs, silk and iron; "vampires" is not there yet on the list

Equestrian: Then be a man-elf and stop worrying so much.

Bill: First time Bill meets a fire vampire, and it tries to kill him, who apparently gets stronger around fire

Equestrian: If the Lord of Blood and Fire keeps pestering us, we'll just find a way to kill him.

Bill: So, no Sequester. No Control Fire.

Equestrian: From what I heard, it wouldn't be the first time this party kills a god.

Bill: Second.

Equestrian: And I could sure use the bump in luck.

Bill: Remember Tiamat?

Equestrian: Before my time. But I know about it.
We just need to get some morons to accompany you and not question the mission.
My current character would do quite nicely in the moron department.
So will Bunda.

Bill: Bunda did great
Yaaaar did great
Even Shebubu did great
Elsa did fantastic
And Priscilla did Priscilla
And Bill just happened

Equestrian: I can't take anyone named Bunda seriously.

Bill: He has aBUNDAnt skills.

Equestrian: Please don't.

Bill: Yarr right.

Equestrian: Good lord. I thought we were done with that when Hoom died!

Bill: never! it's probably the main reason people hate Bill.

Equestrian: I think it's all the genocide.

Bill: Genocide genocide. Potato potato.

Equestrian: I don't see how that phrase could have helped you in any possible way.

Bill: Most things Bill says don't help anyone.

Equestrian: Most things Bill does don't help anyone either.

Bill: Hmm.
I just realized, that the vampire might be after me because I closed the door back to his place and he cannot go back for a while, and maybe it has nothing to do with the lord of b&f or the duke.
And the tricerawasp was like his dog or pet something.
If Sez held a grudge for every time someone messed with his plans to make me do things for him
Straighten things up with the azure order might be the first step to towards redemption
Not

Shebubu: Well, yes it would be, That you want to do it is another very different aspect of this conundrum.

Bill: It's a matter of pragmatism. You can add a Boromir meme: one does not merely hunt down Bill and get away with it.

Shebubu: Oh, I thought you meant this:



Bill: I guess that's a way to get rid of a fire vampire.



Stay tuned for more!


RPGPundit


(November 18, 2016)
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DCC Campaign Log
« Reply #83 on: November 27, 2017, 01:04:26 AM »
DCC Campaign Update: Into The Shithole!


When last we saw our stalwart PCs, they were being hunted by both the Minotaurs and a Fire Vampire. Or, more accurately, Bill the Elf was being hunted by both of these, and everyone else was being killed as innocent bystanders.

Now:

-"Hey Elsa, want to worship G.O.D.?"
"No. G.O.D. will be no help here. Only shovel is needed."

https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/80/63/bc/8063bcf4cf4edbfa61afe238b5ea3e20.jpg


-"Why not get G.O.D. and a shovel?"
"Adding G.O.D. as a superflous factor to an already complete formula does not justify G.O.D. existence!"

-"We should go to the Azure Tower. I have to make peace with the Azure Order, and then they'll help me."
"They won't help me! Those freak-wizards will all be like 'no you shouldn't make Priscilla queen of the Grey Lands again, she's too attractive!'"

-"we don't really need to help Priscilla."
"Fuck you, cleric! You guys, that cleric is a total perv! He tried to touch me in the rectory!"
"I did not!"
"yeah you did! And you probably have gonorrhea!"




-"Maybe we can find Morris. Priscilla, you'd probably like Morris."
"Is he rugged?"
"Not really. More like Creepy."
"So he's a cleric?"

-"Wally, you and Yarr should go back to Gaga. And take Priscilla with you, take her to Harembe."
"Is this Harembe rugged?"
"Actually.. yeah, probably."

-"We'll meet with Queen Zoey."
"She'll have to welcome me, because we're both beautiful princesses!"

-It was thus decided: half the party (the ones who didn't show up to this session) would return to Gaga with Wally the Airedale Terrier, and take Priscilla the grey-alien-chav with them to keep her out of trouble. Meanwhile, Bill and Shebubu would teleport to the Azure Tower to try to convince the Azure Wizards not to kill Bill and to help them with the Fire Vampire. And Elsa will probably go off hunting vampires on her own.

-Unfortunately, Bill fumbles his Planar Step spell-check, and Sezrekhan hijacks his trip. Bill is told by a clearly-more-insane-than-usual Sezrekhan that he has to find the High Council of Wizards and destroy them. Unfortunately, Sezrekhan doesn't know where their secret headquarters are found, but he has discovered that there's apparently a way to get to them, in the worst region of the entire world of the Last Sun... a place called "The Shithole".




-"Maybe it's not such a bad place, it just has an unfortunate name?"
"I doubt it."




-"Bill and Shebubu find themselves on a mountain overlooking a vast area of badlands, cracked earth, where almost nothing seems to grow."
"We might be in Australia."




-Meanwhile, Morris is in Gaga. He's been imprisoned as his excessive Creepiness has led him to go over the legal limit of his likes/dislikes ratio on Coolland's social media. Coolland's dungeons are full of people: creeps like Morris, but also ugly people, weird people, very old people, people who are depressed in uncool ways, and almost anyone else who isn't young and hip and chipper.
"And there it is! The Dystopian side of Coolland! I knew it was too nice to be true!"

-Jalludin the Rogue suddenly sneaks into Morris' cell, apparently right out of a shadowy corner!  He tells Morris that he needs to tell Bill that Sezrekhan has gone completely insane, and has to be stopped. Jalludin wants Bill's help.
"But how can I even get to Bill?"
"I'm going to stab you with the Dagger of Teleportation. It'll send you to him."
"Ok. Wait.. what do you mean the Dagger of--ARGHH!!"

-Morris suddenly appears, with a nasty stabbing injury, near to Bill and Shebubu, on the mountainside.
He barely manages to avoid plunging to his doom.
"The dagger isn't even very accurate!"

-"What the fuck happened to you?"
"I got stabbed!"
"You deserve everything that happens to you."

-Suddenly, a Minotaur appears on the mountainside, right near Bill.
"See? THAT'S accurate teleportation!"

-Bill shoots a magic missile at the minotaur, doing only 1hp damage, and slips off into the Neutral Zone. While there, he sees this great column of shadow off in the far distance, somewhere in the badlands of the Shithole.
"So, I can see it only here? Not in the, er, Normal Zone?"
"Oh please, like Bill is ever in the Normal Zone."

-Since Shebubu and Morris didn't actually attack the Minotaur, he doesn't attack them either. He's just furiously looking for the missing Bill. After they assure him they also hate Bill, he even talks with them. When they mention that the area below is The Shithole, the Minotaur explains that they're in the Southern Continent (somewhere to the south of Tholia), and that the Shithole, according to legend, is the place where the Dark Ones first broke out onto the surface world during the great disaster. According to legend, the center of the Shithole is the exact place where the Dark Ones emerged; and it is surrounded by three damned cities, two of which are in ruins.
"And the third?"
"It is a terrible city, known as Tijuana. The shittiest place on Earth."





-"These mountains, do they surround all of the Shithole?"
"Yes, they are probably artificial, created by great magic to try to hold back the Dark Ones."
"So... someone built a wall?"
"Exactly."

-Bill comes back from the Neutral Zone and immediately kills the Minotaur.

-Morris reluctantly converts to G.O.D. so that Shebubu will heal him, but only after Bill convinces him.
"See, Shebubu? Even I'm better than you at your job."

-"Bill, Jalludin told me that Sezrekhan is crazy!"
"That's probably just because he's all jealous that I'm Sezrekhan's favorite now."

-"So wait, Jalludin 'stabbyported' you here?"

-Bill tells Morris (who was formerly a terrorist) about Priscilla apparently having a huge bomb.
"Morris gets aroused."

-"So this place is called the Shithole."
"Yup, and Bill's here. We're in a Shithole with an asshole!"

-The PCs half-reluctantly make their way down into the Shithole. Soon after, Morris feels something trembling under the ground.
"Oh shit guys, I think this is some kind of Tremors-type situation here!"
"I'm screaming very quietly."
"Awesome movie, though."






-Not wanting to know what's down there, the party takes to traveling by Levitation spells in one-hour bursts.

-That night, they rest with the protection of a Sequester spell. Some extremely primitive-looking mutants come charging at them and all immolate themselves.

-Continuing the next day, still floating along on a Levitation platform, the party (who were slightly unprepared for all this, missing a few minor supplies like WATER) spot a walled tropical garden in the middle of the cracked barren desert.
"Oh, that's not suspicious at all!"






-Morris climbs into the garden.
"Hey Morris, if all is clear, make a bird noise for us."
Morris then roots around the garden for a while, then comes back into the clearing and literally does this:



-"Why didn't you just say 'all clear'?"
"I don't know..."


-"Let's all go in. Morris goes first."
"I chose the wrong party."
"Too late, ese."

-The garden turns out to have spores that cause very slow-acting toxic poisoning.  By the time they get to the pool in the middle of the garden, saving throws are required. Bill passes out, but fortunately the other two manage to stay conscious, and for some reason drag him back out.
"We still need water."
"It's ok. I have an idea. Plants burn, right? And water won't."





-One hour and a Control Fire spell later, they've killed everything that lives in the garden, and get some water. Which is great, for now, but then they realize they have no waterskins, bottles, or any container of any kind other than a single small scroll-tube.

-In any case, Shebubu gets disapproval for the fifth time that day, and has to pray for 24 hours. They decide to camp out there.
"What do we do while we wait for the cleric?"
"While I was looking for waterskins, I found this old card game: Cards Against Chumanity!"
"Ok, let's play."

-Some time later, Bill and Morris spot a large lumpy purple-furred monster climbing over the garden wall.  He looks a bit like this (only a cyclops):



"I am Shlub!!"

-"who did all this burning?"
Bill elbows Morris, who raises his hand "um.. me!"
"Who are you?"
"Morris the Creephole."
"You must be mighty wizard!"
"Well... I'm mighty in some ways..."
"Shlub seeks great wizard to serve. Shlub will serve you, Morris Creephole!"

-"Fuck it, it was me. I'm Bill the Elf."
"Prove you Bill!"
Bill casts Cantrip. "that was only moderately mighty."
Bill casts Choking Cloud. "Shlub will trust for now."

-The party gets ready to move on, now joined by Shlub.
"Shlub, you managed to drink an awful lot of water."
"Shlub has a water sack"
"Where? You're naked!"
"Inside Shlub!"
"He's like a camel!"

-"Are all the people who live in the hills we're headed to large and naked like you?"
"No, some are small and naked, like you, but naked!"

-"Hey Shlub, can I ride on your shoulders?"
"...if you must, mighty wizard."

-Shebubu gets yet another disapproval!
"What did you do to G.O.D., dude??"

-Bill tries to contact Sezrekhan in the hopes of getting some more information about where the hell the way to the Wizards' Council is.
"BEEP BOOP BOOP: The Daemon you are attempting to reach --- is out of range --- please try to invoke again later"

-Bill fails his Sequester spell with a patron taint, and carves a third eye onto his forehead with a dagger.
"Oooh.. you ARE mighty wizard!"




-After some more marching, the PCs are running low on water again.
"Can you share your water from your water-sack, Shlub?"
"Shlub not see how."
"well... maybe the next time he has to pee he can do it in a cup.."
"Fuck's sake Morris!"
"Shlub could do that. Does Morris Creephole have cup?"
"....god damn it."

-Suddenly, the party crosses paths with a group of hideous tentacle monsters!
"They are Yithi"
"blblblbblll!"
"What the fuck?"
"They say they are looking for library. Also, Yithi are real assholes!"
"How do you know that?"
"They speak shoggoth. Shlub speak shoggoth"
"You speak shoggoth??  Do you know my friend Bob Shoggoth?"
"Just because Shlub speak shoggoth not mean Shlub knows EVERY shoggoth!"

-It turns out the library is in an underground cave, which Shlub knows to be full of poisonous slime. So the party does the obvious thing: lead the Yithi all in there, and then Ward Portal the only exit.

-That night, the party is attacked by a group of mutants dressed in rags, who also die horribly immolated by Bill's Sequester.


-"have you guys noticed its been days and days since we saw a Minotaur?"
"The Shithole must have some weird effect that blocks teleportation. That's also probably why Sezrekhan, and Jalludin, teleported us only to the edge of the Shithole. And why I wasn't able to Invoke Sezrekhan!"
"Is that also why the cleric keeps getting Disapproval?"
"No, that's just because G.O.D. hates me."
"You're just like the Fishman!"
"No. He was useless. Shebubu is just incompetent. He could theoretically be useful, if he didn't suck."

-The party is attacked by a giant feathered insect-creature! The Cleric gets massive disapproval AGAIN, and Bill casts magic missile and then disappears.
"Where has the mighty wizard gone???" Shlub refuses to do anything without Bill there to give him orders.
The party looks in serious trouble, until Bill reappears from the Neutral Zone.
"Wizard!"

-After an encounter with some phosphorescent green mutants, the PCs make their way to a town not far from a large lake. Water at last. The town has some more of the aforementioned mutants, who want to capture the PCs as slaves. But when the PCs make short work of them, their Chieftainess comes out, a large tough warrior-woman. Even so, Bill convinces her that they're better off trading with them.
"Who are you?"
"I'm Shebubu the mighty... no wait, Shebubu the inconsistent."

-This village is apparently a subsidiary town of a small kingdom rules by a mighty sorceress called the Queen of the Lake.
"is the lake queen hot?"
"She is dark and terrible!"
"So, is that a yes?"

-After obtaining a lighter from them (whose 'magic' impresses these barbarians mightily), the Chieftainess agrees to escort the PCs to the town of the Queen of the Lake.

-Along the way, the party encounters a colossal swamp worm!  Bill casts magic missile, almost killing the worm, and vanishes to the Neutral Zone. This makes Shlub panic again.
"The wizard is gone? Where did wizard go???"
"Shlub isn't very smart."
"well, he is with us, after all."

-The barbarian chieftainess, who is a highly skilled fighter, finishes off the worm.

-they arrive at the 'capital' of this little feifdom, which is also a shitty mud-hut village only twice as large as the other one. There, they are brought before the Queen of the Lake. She's a very hot phosphorescent green mutant sorceress. She recognizes Bill as a mighty wizard, and agrees to exchange some of her many potions for some of bill's extra scrolls. She also agrees to tell Bill what she knows of the High Council of Wizards, if he'll sleep with her.
"with me?"
"Yes. You and I are both great wizards. Thus, our child will be a destined super-wizard that will conquer all before him!"
"Sure, ok."

-After their tryst, the Queen explains to Bill that many wizards have come from the 'outer lands' to the Shithole, seeking the Council of Wizards. Some of them had told her that crossing through the Shithole was a quest, and that the way to the Wizards' Council was found in a place in the absolute center of the Shithole. In the place where the Dark Ones first emerged unto the surface world and brought darkness in the great disaster. This place is known to locals as "The Sphincter".
"...seriously? OK."




-"You should not seek the Sphincter, Bill. It is certain death!"
"I've been through certain death before. I always come back anyways."

-The party decides to stay in the Lake Queen's village to rest. While they're partying with the barbarians, Shebubu decides to do a Detect Evil on Shlub, and notes that he detects as Evil.
"So that means Shlub is either not as dumb as he appears and he's something terrible..."
"Or maybe he's just too dumb to know he's evil?"

That's all for this session. Next time, presumably, the party will continue along their route to The Sphincter!





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(Originally posted November 27, 2016)
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DCC Campaign Log
« Reply #84 on: December 08, 2017, 02:58:28 AM »
DCC Campaign Backstage: The Backstagening pt.7

Pundit: Happy birthday Shebubu?

Shebubu: Yes. Thanks.

Bill: Level up! Rick/Rickandra/Chu/Shebubu and whoever I am forgetting.

Shebubu: The Dwarf but I forgot his name already. And Shul.

Bill: Shul, right.

Bill: Transparent wizard, heavy breathing.



Transparent Wizard: I managed to half-complete an 11x11x11

Pundit: That man in the rubik's picture is one of the world's most accomplished virgins.

Bill: LOL

Bill: Verschlimmbessern should be a patron taint if bill were a patron.

Morris: Well, then, who is going?

Bill: You, Shebubu, the Equestrian? Priscilla.The Old Lady.

Shebubu: No. Priscilla stays behind. Its the whole demon idol thing again, I am not going to toilet train it.

Bill: You heal me, so, whatever you say, boss

Shebubu: I was expecting the Losha-the-Fishman treatment, Well this is a lot better.

Bill: then kill her and be done with it.  Bill wont, she is a reminder of Ted.
But if you do, Bill will not stop you. We will go later to look for this bomb thing
Bill's Priorities, clear things up with the Azure Order, learn find object, off the vampire, nuke Monautholia.

Morris: NUKE THOLIA!
OMG, that sounds delicious!

Bill: Giving Priscilla to the Archemaster would kill two birds with one shot.

Shebubu: She is not a virgin, or human, or perfect.

Bill: Mmmm, correct.

Shebubu: All things wrong.

Bill: We can find one with Locate Object.

Equestrian: Ok, it's a no on my side. I won't be done with work on time tomorrow so I'll have to skip this one too. Sorry guys, see you next one.
Also, feeding Priscilla to the Archmaester was my idea first!

Shebubu: Shite.

Pundit: Well, it'll be three players then. Should be good fun anyways!

Bill: Great.  Just to check, Morris, will you be on time? Or shall we start without you and meet you in the Azure Tower?

Morris: I don't think so. Do as you will.

Bill: OK. Maybe they sent you there from Gaga to go through creep camp and clear your head.

Morris: I'm going.

Bill: OK.

******
(after the session)

Shebubu: I don't think anyone would expect the happiest place in the world would be called the shithole.

Bill: We almost saw a bullete.

Shebubu: And what I think was a Mi-Go or a Byakee or something else entirely.

Morris: Bckaw! Bckaw!

Shebubu: Yes, cacatua sounds. Perfect with a chicken dance.

Bill: Sigh.





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DCC Campaign Log
« Reply #85 on: December 15, 2017, 01:40:56 AM »
DCC Campaign: The Backstagening Pt. VIII: My Friends and Other Animals

(here's some more of the no-longer-private backstage chat on social media among my DCC players, about the campaign):



Shabubu: Everything worked, mostly because of our peace loving ways, or shabubu would like to think that.

Bill: I Could picture these animals in DCC:




Pundit: Well, I guess it'll remain to be seen, whether or not Bill comes.

Equestrian: So it's gonna be a surprise!
In my experience, Bill 's surprises are not really enjoyable.

Pundit: It's Schrodinger's Bill. He's in the Neutral Zone right now.

Transparent Wizard: He is being used by his patron for evil purposes and voluntarily evil at the same time until you open the box.

Bill: Ass and hole at the same time, or neither.
That did sound much better before I wrote it.





Shebubu: "That sounded better in my head" is changing from a catchphrase to a way of life.

Bill: better than  "I teleport and throw a grenade"!
it's almost up there to 'I shoot magic missile at the darkness'.

Shebubu: Well, They are from very different realms, one is from the realm of the impossible, while the other is from the realm of faulty planning, Like becoming a cleric.

Bill: Ah, poor incompetent cleric. You just need more money to burn!

Shebubu: Well, I am already Feeling the Bern, Like 500 gold to the trash in one go.

Bill: Small change.

Transparent Wizard: You never saw Ackbasha complaining.

Bill: Exactly! Be a good Shububu. Follow in the steps of Ackbasha!
Except the part where you kill bill.

Pundit: The money isn't the goal. First you get the money. Then you get the power. And then, you get murdered by a minotaur.

Equestrian: Whoa whoa whoa!
Hold on a second!
You can't cast Magic Missile at the darkness.

Shebubu: Well, maybe if you name someone the darkness you can. Mind = Blown

Equestrian: That joke has been done to death.

Shebubu: Well Magic Missile to the darkness haves probably more years than some people on the internet right now.

Equestrian: And any other combination of magic missile and darkness chu.


Shebubu: Holyfuck, 1996, that is how old the whole magic missile thing is. 20 fucking years.

Equestrian: That's....not that old, dude.

Shebubu: From internet time its old.

Equestrian: Just like your mom!


Bill: Hello darkness my old friend.






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(December 14, 2016)
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DCC Campaign Log
« Reply #86 on: December 16, 2017, 03:41:24 PM »
DCC Campaign Update: The Horse Looks at you all With Haunted Eyes


In our last adventure, the PCs had found themselves in the Shithole, supposedly the most awful place in the very very awful world they already lived in. Bill the Elf  had ended up becoming the boy-toy of a mighty barbarian sorceress named the Queen of the Lake.

Now:

-Yarr the Halfling and Bunda the Transparent Wizard had been left behind in Coolland, escorting the alien-chav-queen Priscilla of the Grey Realms back to Gaga. They did this with the promise that Queen Zoey would recognize her as a fellow monarch and give her lodging, and that Harembe was 'rugged'.
"...so that's why Heather is a total bitch!"
"Yeah, I heard she has chlamydia.."
"OMIGOD, right?? I was wrong about you halfling, I thought you were all conceited but you're not. I hate conceited people!"

-the Players noticed that both Yarr and Emily sure are very good at manipulating self-centered people.
(which leads the GM to think that in two more sessions she'll be running the whole party)

-They arrive at the palace and present Priscilla to Harembe, Queen Zoey's personal bodyguard. "by G.O.D. what is that thing?!"
"holy crap you guys, he IS rugged!"






-"Why did you bring that.. that THING here?"
"She followed us.."

-"Have you ever had a sleepover, Yarr?"
"Yes. That's where you break into houses and murder people in their sleep, right?"


-The PCs don't end up spending much time in the city, however. That night, Jal'udin the rogue appears before Yarr, and gives her a message to send to Bill the Elf. It seems as though Jal'udin is trying to get the point across to Bill that he's not kidding about the threat Sezrekhan now presents to the world. Unfortunately, getting Yarr to the Shithole involves stabbing her with the Dagger of Teleportation. Apparently Jal'udin has a similar view Yarr's idea of what a sleepover is.

-Next, Jal'udin goes to Bunda the Transparent Wizard.
"Sezrekhan has gone insane. He must be stopped!"
"Weren't you a servant of Sezrekhan?"
"Yes, but he has to be stopped or we are all doomed."
"Oh... I was about to join the Sezrekhan fanclub, so if there's something going on I'd like for you to tell me.."

-"Speak to Bill about this. He will understand!"
"guys, I think that Jal'udin has way too much confidence in Bill."
"Yeah; to me it seems he's putting all his eggs in one basket... and the basket is on fire."

-"what's your PC's personality modifier again?"
"Right now it's -2... and also it's -2 all the time."

-Then Jal'udin goes to visit the Equestrian. He's gone back to his house after being recently knighted.
"I have a quest to send you on!"
"Alright! Just let me get my horse."
"Very well, I'll walk with you to the stable.."
"Um... stable, yes. Definitely not my bedroom..."





-So pretty soon, everyone shows up at the mountains at the edge of the Shithole, with stab wounds from the Dagger of Teleportation. Yes, even the Buttercup the horse.

-"So we're going to have to trek through a desert."
"Does anyone have water?"
"No."
"I have chloroform, does that help?"

-"Do any of us have vials to carry water in?"
"No."
"I have a vial of poison; I guess if we cleaned it really really well..."

-"Can I ride with you on the horse?"
"No!"
"But I'm pretty small."
"yeah, the thing is, I'm the only one who gets to ride my horse."
"The horse looks at you all with haunted eyes."




-The Party sees an incoming caravan.
"Ohh, shopping! What are you selling?"
"Slaves."
"Why are they always slaves?"
"well, we're a slave-based economy."

-The party members had been captured as slaves, and eventually got to the village of the Queen of the Lake. Shebubu is there, and he recognizes some of the PCs and decides to try to buy their freedom.
"You walk over to the Slavemaster. You know he's a slavemaster because he has a whip."
"He's either a slavemaster or Indiana Jones!"

-"This is Shebubu. He is your new master now."
"Can we choose to just stay with you instead?"

-"The transparent mutant is getting sunburn in his inner-organs in this desert setting."
Shebubu manages to get him a "pelt" that was clearly once the skin of a mutant.
"It fits just right!"




-Shebubu pays for the freedom of the other party members by healing slaves.
"Oh, thank you cleric.. now I can continue working myself to death for others..."
"It's all thanks to G.O.D.!"





-"What is this G.O.D.? A Demon?"
"yeah, you could say that."

-Bill the Elf (whose player could not make it to this session) sends a message from the Queen's hut, where he's been busy getting busy.
"It says, 'go on ahead i'll catch up'".

-"Is Bill on a quest?"
"Yes, like those you go on with your horse."

-"What about Morris?"
"Last we saw of him, he was walking away very creepily right into the swamp."

-The cleric gets a disapproval on healing the last slave he had to treat to pay off the freedom of the other PCs.
"hey, could you um... just pretend to be not dying?"
"Go fuck yourself.."
"Hey, if you don't play along I'll try to heal you again!"

-The Equestrian convinces the slavemaster to accept some "horse lemonade" instead. The slavemaster immediately realizes what 'horse lemonade' really is, but accepts it anyways, because it's the Shithole.




-"Hey Shebubu, could you heal my liver? It's looking a bit off, see?"

-"Who's this?"
"I am Shlub!"




-Shlub and the transparent mutant wizard immediately bond over being cyclopses.
"You have the right amount of eyeballs!"

-"apparently, Bill attracts cyclopses"
"It's because there's something fundamentally broken in them."

-"who follows Bill?"
"I do!"
"I have been following Bill longer!"
"Really? Because Shlub has not seen you around.."
"I was doing important work for Bill."
"So Mighty Wizard Bill sent you away..."
"Yeah? Well he sent you away now too!"
"...he has sent us both away!!"

-In the swamps north of the Lake Queen's town, the party has an encounter with a massive and deadly-looking Shoggoth! Shlub, familiar with the threat level, runs like hell.
"Come back Shlub!!"
"No!"

-The PCs wisely decided to follow Shlub's example, and ran like hell.

-Later on, the PCs find a shovel, abandoned on a hillside. Deciding it might be of use later, the Equestrian rides up, but can't quite reach it on horseback and doesn't want to reduce himself to dismounting.
"So what, he can't get off the damn horse?"
"..I think he gets off on the horse!"




-"Hey guys, I can see a brown mutant village from here!"
"I feel kind of racist saying 'brown mutant'..."

-The village turns out to be relatively friendly, and its run by a human, who they call the Ageless One. Apparently, he's immortal.

-"We might be followed here later by a guy named Bill. Right now he's busy getting it on with the Queen of the Lake, she wants to create some kind of super-offspring with him."
"Oh yeah, she tried the same thing with me once. She wanted to make Ageless Wizard children."

-"Hey, could I buy a slave from you, in exchange for some Horse Lemonade?"
"...that's just horse piss, isn't it?"
"...yes."
"Then no, you can't."

-"so you guys are going to a region full of radioactivity, instead of the other place that actually has one of the few sources of drinkable running water in this hellhole, just because you heard there's a dude with multicolored skin in the first place and you'd want to see what that looks like?"
"That was the plan, yes."
"Man, you guys really aren't from around here, are you?"

-"we could go the longer way where there's a river, but we should probably go as soon as possible. We have to go to Tijuana, for the horses!"
"...no one said anything about any horses, dude.."

-"Most of the PCs decide they'd rather take the longer route, but the Equestrian continues to argue for going the direct route."
"He's just going to drink 'horse lemonade'"
"What we sometimes do in the Shithole to survive, he does for pleasure!"



-"Once you get used to drinking urine, it's not bad."
"You 'got used to it' right at the start!"

-The PCs continue their travels. They pass a gorge where there is a half-ruined giant head carved into the rock, but they  have no idea whose it was.





-"Does the head in the rock follow you with your eyes?"
""only if you psych yourself out."

-Some time later, the PCs find a perfectly-folded suit of chain mail and a handaxe, carefully left, seemingly unprotected, by the riverbank.
"It could be a trap!"
"In Shithole we have a saying: everything going to kill you anyway!"

-After enormous paranoia, the PCs grab the pristine armor and the handaxe. Nothing dangerous seems to happen, the armor and weapon appear normal and uncursed.

-They continue following along the gorge and find a massive metal bridge. It looks much too high tech to be in the Shithole.
"let's go check it out!"

-As they get closer, they see it's covered in massive spider webs.
"NOPE!!"




-They run like hell and head away from the river.
After some time, the reach a large keep which seems to be inhabited.
"It's a trap!"
"Well, nothing bad has happened to us so far."
"We've had to drink our own pee!!"
"I have to wear someone else's skin to protect myself from the sun!"

-The castle, they found, is occupied by a military force of some very strange mutants. They are vaguely greyish-silver in color, and instead of hair, the top of their heads seem to burn with a greenish-yellow flame. The aliens also turn out to have a funny vaguely-french accent.

-"Does this remind you of something?"
"I don't know, is he going to taunt us a second time?"

-The strange mutants are actually friendly, offering to allow the PCs in. They say that they are members of The Watch. There, they are presented to their leader, the Watch Captain. He is equipped in a pristine set of chain mail armor and a hand axe.

-"We shall be willing to give you sanctuary here, so long as you follow the rules of hospitalite!"
"Which means?"
"You must not cause any violence."
"That'll be pretty hard for us. But you never know, it's bound to happen someday, right?"

-"um.. just out of curiosity, that's a very nice suit of armor you have on and a lovely handaxe.."
"Yes. They are the symbols of a Captain of the Watch."
"And, do you always keep them here?"
"Until a Captain dies. Then his armor and axe are left at the river in a ritual."
"And.. just out of curiosity, if someone else were to touch those later?"
"It would be death!"
"I see.." (cue the equestrian covering up the armor he's wearing with his cloak; and the halfling surreptitiously tossing the handaxe behind a nearby rock)

-"Where do you people come from?"
"I come from a Billage."
"I come from a forest."
"What's a forest??"

-"And where have you guys come from?"
"We have been here for countless generations. Keeping watch. We are The Watch"
"Oh shit, they must be super-inbred."
"How do they even reproduce? They're all guys!"
"Don't even question it."

-"Just so you guys know, if you see any handaxes in our possession we got them from home."
"I got mine from my mom!"

-"So, what are you keeping watch on?"
"We have kept watch."
"I think they don't know what they're keeping watch on.."
"I think they've forgotten what they were supposed to keep watch for!"

-"Ok, so I have to ask.. you're all male.. there's no one else nearby.. how do you make kids?"
"...the usual way."
"Ok, stop. Let's just go to sleep and get the fuck out of this place early tomorrow morning."



-"I'm going to try one more time to talk to one of these guys, not the captain.. hey, what are you watching?"
"I'm watching this hallway."
"Ok, forget it, I just leave."

-"Ok, I know this sounds like a really stupid question guys, but are we going to keep watch while we sleep?"
"I am!"
"Yarr, you should keep the next watch."
"Ok"
"..are you really going to?"
"What, are you going to watch me keeping watch?!"
"Fuck it. I'll just keep watch all night."
"I think this castle is fucking up your minds, guys."

-The next morning they leave the Keep of the Watch as quickly as they possibly can. As they continue their travels through the Shithole, they run into a tentacle monster.



-  Unfortunately, or perhaps mercifully, in the ensuing battle the Equestrian's... um, beloved.. horse Buttercup is killed.
"That's ok... he knew too much..."




-Some time later, the adventurers manage to make it to a village, which turns out to be populated by some of Shlub's purple-hairy-monster race. Like Shlub, they're apparently very interested in finding  a Mighty Wizard to serve, and are envious of Shlub.
Bunda tries to claim he is a mighty wizard, but they don't end up sufficiently impressed in his magic. They're even less impressed by Shebubu's magic when he tries to pass himself off as a wizard.
The purple-monsters then plan to eat the entire party, but get distracted by a conversation about just what defines the mightiness of a Wizard.
"Quick, we should go now while they talk!"
"You don't want to stay with your people, Shlub?"
"No. Shlub doesn't need the competition!"

-They stop to camp out only when they're sure they've gotten far enough away that the purple-monsters won't catch them.
"You lost your horse today, Equestrian, you should rest."
"It was just a horse."
"But.. it was clearly more than just a horse to you..."
"What gave you that idea?"
"Innuendo."

-They head out again the next day and find a single solitary tree. Thinking there could be food or water nearby they approach, only to find the tree unfurls to reveal it was actually a camouflaged tentacle-monster!




-The Equestrian manages to slay it, running it through in one blow.
"Huh. Shlub think he actually more competent since losing his Buttercup."

-Later on, the PCs run into a kind of giant amoeba monster! It swallows Yarr the halfling whole!
"She's still alive."
"I think she's probably safer inside than out here!"

-Color Spray does nothing on the creature. Bunda then tries to hit it, but misses on account of having no depth perception. Shlub tries to attack it, but the Amoeba swallows him as well!
"It has a taste for Shlub!"

-Eventually, Shlub and Yarr manage to cut their way out of the amoeba, slaying it.






-Shebubu has a catastrophically bad Divine Disapproval, and gets the Mark of Shame.
"You know what? Fuck it. I'm just going to keep it forever."

-They camp out again that night, and arrange the watch.
"Why is the Equestrian stuck doing a watch alone?"
"Well, he should have taken better care of his horse."
"I'm pretty sure that horse wished for death.."


That was the end of this disturbing adventure, which will probably not see things getting any less weird next session when hopefully Morris the Creep and Bill the Elf will be back with the group.  Stay tuned!


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DCC Campaign Log
« Reply #87 on: December 28, 2017, 01:56:38 AM »
DCC Campaign Update: I'm already starting to regret that pinky-swear


In our last session (our last few sessions, actually), the PCs were making their way through the nightmarish wasteland known as "The Shithole", all to try to get Bill the Elf to the Grand Council of Wizards.  Only last session, Bill had stayed behind bonking the attractive and powerful (but baby-obsessed) sorceress known as the Queen of the Lake, while the rest of the party forged ahead.

Now:

-"Hey, I tried! Stop competence-shaming me!"

-Sometime in the night, Yarr the halfling wandered off.
"She was the only competent one in the party!"
"I wouldn't go that far! I'd say she was just the only one not-incompetent in the party."

-"So, should we try to go look for her?"
"Naw."

-As the party set off, they soon ran into the Bill the Elf, who caught up with them by travelling with the aid of Levitation.
"Quick, I need healing!"
"For what? You don't look injured..."
"STDs!"

-The other PCs try to tell Bill about Jal'udin's dire warnings, which he'd pleaded with them to tell Bill about, just before stabbing each of them with his Dagger of Teleportation to send them to the Shithole.
"Eh, Jal'udin is a weasel"
"Shlub has faced weasels! They are very dangerous."
"There's weasels here?!"
"I'm not surprised.. it's the shithole."
"Weasels are the shitholes deadliest natural predator."
"What about shoggoths?"
"Those are the deadliest unnatural predator."




-"Will the Queen of the Lake be coming after us now?"
"Well, given that I'm in the body of a radioactive mutant, she might just be too busy getting cancer around now."

-"Are you really sure Sezrekan isn't insane, and won't fuck up the world?"
"...sure."
"Pinky swear?"

-"So where are we going?"
"We're going to see the council of wizards."
"Yeah, right.. you mean we're going to go destroy the council of wizards!"
"Wait, what?"
"Oh, nevermind."
"I'm already starting to regret that pinky-swear."
"No, no, when I said 'destroy' I meant 'join'!"
"For our group, 'see', 'join' and 'destroy' are all interchangeable."

-"So Shebubu, I see you carry the Mark of Shame."
"I consider it the mark of pride, and I'm never getting rid of it. I don't give a shit anymore!"
"Yeah, that's what happens to most clerics."

-"Wait, am I a wizard?"
"No, you're an idiot."




-"You guys are being attacked by some creatures, they look sort of like time-dinosaurs, only they're nude and larger and seem to be of animal intelligence."
"So... dinosaurs?"




-"I think the Equestrian has become creepier than Morris at this point."
"The difference is Morris tries to be a creep, whereas for the Equestrian it just comes naturally."

-"The Equestrian is dead, guys!"
"What? He's not dead, Shebubu; I can see him breathing!"
"Aww, ok, he's alive."

-Having defeated the non-time Dinosaurs, the PCs carry on, and reach a strange building.
"Do you think that's Tijuana?"
"No, it would be shittier than that place."

-The building turns out to be a kind of monastery, populated mainly by furry purple monsters of Shlub's race.  But unlike all the other members of their kind, these have taken up the art of meditation to attempt to rid themselves of their racial addiction to seeking out and following mighty wizards.




-"So what do you guys think of just moderately bad wizards?"
"We think they are gateway to mighty wizards, we renounce it."
"So moderately bad wizards are like the marijuana of wizardry?"


-The chief abbot of the monastery is a kind of blue elf, with psionic powers.
"He is a mighty wizard!"
"No, he is mighty monk!"
"You guys are just exchanging one kind of addiction for another!"
"Don't question it dude."

-"And are you guys also concerned about clerics?"
"We don't really care."
"Geez, you are so singleminded, Shebubu! Always so concerned about how people view clerics... by the way, have you got any horses here?"

-"How do we find our way to the Council of Wizards?"
"You must seek out the center, in the black middle of the Shithole."
"Tijuana is a shithole!"

-"So how long does it take to become a monk and get psychic powers? Could I do it in, say, a half-hour?"
"No, it takes a lifetime of spiritual discipline to become a true master monk"
"Ok, then I'm out."




-The group decides to immediately leave the monastery, in spite of the monks having offered them to stay as long as they liked.  After a short while they reach some hills, and there they are surprise-attacked by a group of Giant Saber-Toothed Weasels!
"Oh crap! The Shithole's deadliest natural predator!"
"This could be a Total Party Bill."






-Half the party is dropped in the first round. Shlub is torn to shreds by giant weasels while Bill uses levitate to float away to safety.

-"Bill, you've levitated out of any danger, abandoning your friends to the weasels. What will you do now?"
"I have a couple of scratches, so I drink a healing potion while they're being disemboweled."




-After killing or scaring off the weasels with Control Fire, Bill floats back down and starts to check if any of his companions are still alive.
"The Equestrian is dead."
"Oh well, his life had no purpose anymore without a horse."
"You know I could've just gotten another horse!"
"I'm pretty sure your horse warned the other horses about you, and now none of them would have gone near you."

-Bunda the transparent wizard and Shebubu are also dead! It has been, in fact, a Total Party Bill.

-At this point, the session takes a short break to create 9 new 0-level characters. One player manages to get an 18 Luck!
"That's a character made to save vs. death!"
"Unless I roll a 20.. and knowing my luck..."
"We do know your luck. It's 18."

-Bill figured at this point that it would be a good time to try to just teleport to Tijuana. Unfortunately, after a great effort and multiple spellburns to successfully cast Planar Step, he discovers that Planar Step doesn't actually work in the Shithole.
"You know, I'd feel bad for you.. but everyone else is DEAD."
"I know, huh? Weasels really ARE the deadliest predator!"




-The next day, Bill tries to continue flying with levitate, but he fails his check.
"I guess I'll just start walking, like a peasant!"

-Feeling lonely, bill takes the mutant-skin cloak off of Bunda's mangled corpse, puts it on a stick, and pretends it's a traveling companion.
"So.. it's like a really freaky version of 'Wilson'"?

-After a short walk, however, Bill runs into a vale where there's a yellow mutant sorcerer engaging in some kind of dark sacrificial ritual. So he fries the wizard and frees the 9 conveniently-placed newbs.

-The newbs had been drugged. Bill finds a large jar of rohypnol among the dead wizard's possesions.





-One of the newbies is a particularly fortunate 0-level character who got a plutonium-missile bazooka as one of his starting possessions! He names himself "Bazooka Arnok".





-Another newbie, named Muu, is a psychic! He's also a professional booze-maker.
"Here, have some dinosaur-juice!"
"Thank Muu."
"Oh god, not again!"

-There's also two ex-slave green-mutant brothers. And a halfling chicken-rider (if there's one race of demi-humans that would thrive in the Shithole, it had to be halflings). And a tough-looking red-mutant Hunter. Another is a mud-man mutant.

-There's also a mutant pacifist in the group.
"My name is Haade."
"Heidi?"
"Haade!"

-"If both of the brothers make it to level 1, I'm going to make a rare exception and let you play them both."
"Oh man, that's a tough choice. My third guy is Bazooka Arnok!"
"Well, don't overthink it. Nature will probably solve this dilemma for you."

-The two brothers quickly prove to be annoying in a weird-twin sort of way.




-"I'll be soo happy when one of your two brothers die. Just one, mind you, I'm not cruel."
"Losing a brother can really fuck someone up in this campaign though, look at what it did to Bill."

-Resting in the dangerous wilderness of the Shithole, the members of the party on the 3rd watch see a large green blob-thing heading toward them. Bazooka Arnok decides to test out the Plutonium Mini-Missile Bazooka. He utterly nukes the blob.
"I like this!"

-Some time the next day, the PCs see a fort in the distance and start to approach it.  A patrol of armed blue mutants come out, looking potentially hostile. Just in case, Arnok fires another Bazooka-missile at them!
"You missed!"
"Um... no that was.. a warning shot!"

-In any case, the blue mutants naturally flee in a panic when they realize they're being fired at with plutonium missiles, rushing back into the fort.

-"We should threaten to blow up the castle if they don't surrender."
"Ok! Hey in there.. surrender and we will blow up your castle!"

-"Abandon the castle and send someone to parley!"
"Wait, which is it??"

-The leader of the blue mutant barbarians comes out to parley.
"What do you want?"
"I want to know how to get to the wizard's council."
"I have no idea what that is."
"Then you're of no use to me. Your fate is pretty much in the hand of these monsters here."

-"My name is Erb. I am the leader of this group of blue men. They call us the Blue Man Group."




-"Do you at least know where Tijuana is?"
"No"
"Dude you really aren't justifying your own survival here..."

-"I really want to blow this place up. I never blew up a fort before! I blew up my village once."
"You really shouldn't brag about things you've blown."




-The negotiations going nowhere, Bazooka decides to just fuck it, and blows up the fort.

-The PCs, having killed the leader of the Blue Man Group, go into the ruins of the castle to get whatever treasure they can scrounge. They find a survivor, his legs crushed under rubble. The red-mutant hunter makes him crawl.

-"Man, characters from the Shithole are a whole new level of asshole!"

-"I'm going to try to Mend the castle"
"Hey!! Oh no wait.. that means I can blow it up again! Do it!"

-"Don't drink any of the well water, you guys. It's probably got plutonium in it now"

-The crippled survivor is still being made to crawl around the yard "wwhy?? Why did you do this to us??"
"it was a joke!"
"Eh, I'd say it was more of a social experiment, really"

-They make the crippled survivor follow them crawling, for some time as they leave the fort. Just out of pure sadism.
"Wow.. I guess I've finally found my people!"
"Welcome to the Shithole, Bill!"
"I think I feel aroused."




-That night, Bill tenderly puts his fellow party members to a good night's sleep with Bunda's old sleep-rune-rock.

-In the night, more wrapped-up desert mutants get immolated on Bill's Sequester.

-Entering into a particularly desolate area of the Shithole, they find, in the midst of it, a strange metal fortress. It looks abandoned but very high-tech-level, possibly an Ancient structure.

-Inside they find some kind of astounding high-tech device, the nature of which they're not sure of. So they start pressing buttons and pulling levers until power gets reactivated. Then they keep pushing buttons until something happens.

-While pressing buttons on a platform, the two brothers suddenly vanish in a sparkle of star-trek style light!


-The halfling decides to try to repeat what the brothers did. He ends up in a different but very similar room full of electronics. When he turns around he sees the two brothers are on the floor, a hideous mangled fusion of a corpse.
"Well, now they're together in death!"




-It turns out that there's a whole network of several of these places in the Shithole, old outposts of the Ancients or the High Elves. Not all of them are abandoned. The Halfling and Bazooka Arnok, who also takes his chances with the teleporter, later end up in another station that's underground, and guarded by a hideous tentacle creature. Of course, Arnok blows him to bits with a plutonium missile.

-Heidi the pacifist ends up in another location, which turns out to be populated, by a red mutant wizard and his soldiers. Although it's clear he didn't construct the transmats, the Wizard claims ownership of it. He comes back to the first pad (where Bill, the red mutant, the psychic and some of the others had been waiting to see if any of their number came back), along with 20 of his soldiers. There's a moment of tension.

-The pacifist is apparently more impressed with his captors than with his current party. Or maybe he's just trying to find a way to escape his current group of sadistic psychopaths.
"If you like, I could join you!"
"If you prove useful to me."
"Oh... never mind."

-Bill decides it might be better to negotiate in this case. All he really wants is to get to the council of wizards, so he offers to leave this place if the Red Wizard can tell him where to go.  It turns out he's only about two days away from Tijuana. The party (including Heidi) head off across the wasteland, knowing their incredibly shitty quest is nearing its climax.

-At the end of the session, Bazooka Arnok levels up! He decides to take the Thief class.
"Oh yeah, that makes sense given how subtle he is..."


That's it for today. Stay tuned, to see if next session, the party of deplorables make it to the lost city of Tijuana, to the Sphincter, and to the Council of Wizards... or if everything will go to shit, as usual.


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DCC Campaign Log
« Reply #88 on: January 17, 2018, 04:16:58 PM »
DCC Backstage Chatlog, Volume 25, part 1


Here's some more of the ongoing Facebook chat for our DCC group!


Bill:
I wish I had Choking Cloud now to get rid of all the fucking chirping birds that keep me from sleeping
And the dog is bloody dreaming loud, probably about some bitches. Fucking city and its birds!
Among other shitty things, like those stupid tree species with that fucking sap that drops on the car, the irregular curbs that scratch the fenders.
The messy sidewalk, the Baghdad pavement, the unruly drivers.
The careless contractors and their senseless ways.
Breathe and count till 10.


Pundit: LOL. I woke up this morning at 11PM. I'm just having my afternoon coffee now, at 5:30am. I'm a wizard. Time has no meaning to me.

Bill: Unless you are waiting for a cab
Time has no meaning to billionaires either
Too bad I am neither

Equestrian/Bazooka Arnok: I'm fairly sure that 11pm does not constitute "morning"

Bill: Morning is when morning is.


Equestrian/Bazooka Arnok: Look at my horse

Pundit: Yes, I had no idea about that video, until I found out about it while preparing this blog entry. You guys like some truly weird shit...


Equestrian/Bazooka Arnok: Like playing DCC with you, for example.
We are sick sick people.


Pundit: The thing about the DCC game is that it features a lot of innuendo, but almost no actual smut. It's somewhere between PG-13 and R rated.


Equestrian/Bazooka Arnok: We don't want to have problems with the network.

Muu: Oh, so the face was 26th president of the USA Theodore Roosevelt.
I guess South Dakota is kinda of a Shithole

Equestrian/Bazooka Arnok: Bill finished his side quest.
He can go side-questing again in like....10 minutes.
He can do 3 or 4 sidequests in a row, but after, he needs a nap.

Bill: Bill is feeling his company undesired, lets hope Bill does not undesired​ you company in the Shit Hole too


Equestrian/Bazooka Arnok: Bill company is, much like Bill itself, a necessary evil.

Bill: At the end of the day, you always need an asshole

Equestrian/Bazooka Arnok: Quite.
No one else knows more about shitty situations.


Bill: Having been in/creating shitty situations does not certainly make you a good referral to avoid them

Muu: Well you know that saying, in the Shithole the asshole is king.


Bill: Bill's kingdom!



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DCC Campaign Log
« Reply #89 on: January 29, 2018, 02:16:15 PM »
DCC Campaign Update: Their Ziploc Technology is Ultra-Advanced


We left off with the deplorable PCs only about two days away from the place known as the Sphincter, the center of the Shithole.  They were camped out in an area of badlands, worse than any they'd seen so far, where literally nothing grew.

Now:

-At night, Muu the Mud Mutant murders the Sadistic Hunter in his sleep, for his armor. That's where we're at now.

-Morris suddenly returns to the group, walking in from the badlands.
"What a lovely day!"
"It's night-time, Morris."

-"Hey, do I get xp for killing the Sadist?"
"Well, you killed a fellow PC, in his sleep. So... sure, 1xp"

-"The mission is to go to the Conclave of Wizards to 'talk'.. but you guys can do all the killing you want"

-"Morris, you've survived 2 Total Party Bills!"

-"Why is there blood in the sand??"
"Hey, who wants to go back to sleep?"

-"OK, guys, no more killing tonight!"

-The next day, the gang proceed through the badlands, and along the way they spot a strange black viscuous pool.
"Morris, go throw a rock in it!"

-Morris is a bit reluctant to approach it.
"Come guys, let's all go with him for backup. Where's your fighting spirit?"
"I'm a Pacifist. Not having fighting spirit is why I'm the last survivor of my tribe."

-"There's a 60% chance its just a pool of sludge, 30% it's some kind of slime monster, 10% it's some truly weird shit."




-It turns out it was a slime monster after all. It starts chasing the gang who run when they realize that regular weapons do nothing. Bill casts magic missile (and disappears into the Neutral Zone as he always does after casting magic missile) but it wasn't enough to destroy the slime. The slime catches up to the halfling chicken-rider, the slowest in the group, and the halfling dies.

-Bill comes back and finishes nuking the slime.
The newbie PCs level up, with the remaining 1st level PCs now being Heidi the Pacifist, and Muu the Mud-man Psyhic, who is now a Mud-man Psychic Wizard.

-The PCs, who are dying of thirst, find a small muddy creek. They spend a long time very worried that it might be another slime creature somehow. Morris finally heads down there, finding it to be safe.

-"I, Muu, am now your apprentice, Bill!"
"You know his apprentices haven't historically fared well, don't you?"

-"You should drink a bit more, Morris.."
"It's water. I already drank some. It's not poisonous."
"You should drink more water just in case, it might take a bit more to kill you is all..."

-Figuring the water and the creek are safe, the PCs head down to drink. The pacifist is almost immediately attacked by a Sand Monstrosity! Fortunately, Bill scares the monstrosity away before it can do any harm.

-The next day, the PCs finally get to the edge of a massive smelly canyon. They have found the Sphincter! All around it there's a large chain-link fence with barbed wire, and very old signs warning people away in almost every language imaginable. Some of these shrines have had primitive markings drawn on them in blood, and offerings of bones placed at its base.  The PCs are considering what to do, when they spot a tunnel dug some distance away; it has a more primitive basic sign that says "Coyote a Tijuana".


-They walk single-file into the tunnel. Bill goes first, because the others guilted him into it. For added security, he casts a huge cloudkill in front of and behind the party, murdering everything in his path for quite a great distance.
"You hear various screams"
"Good!"




-"Up ahead, you guys smell a flowery scent"
"Oh shit, not flowers!!"

-Before entering the large cavern with a flowery scent, Mu uses his psychic power to make himself invisible; but it only works on people his own level or lower.
"What the hell are you doing?"
"wooo!! I'm invisible!!"




-The cavern is full strange large plants with pale white flowers. Also, a dozen or so guys which at first the party assumes (from their shambling and disheveled condition) to be zombies.
"They're zombies!"
"No, I'm pretty sure they're alive. I think they're just drugged or something."
"They drug zombies!"


-After murdering all the drug zombies, they move on past the white lotus flowers (which Morris thinks is what made them 'zombified' in the first place), they move on to a cavern which features a huge pool of green slime.
"Let's throw a rock in it!"
"That did not go well the last time."

-They move on to another cavern, where they encounter a Giant Slug! Bill hits it with magic missile, but it's not enough to kill it, and of course he vanishes to the Neutral Zone, leaving the rest badly outgunned.
Muu runs away from it into the next cavern which is filled with huge mushrooms. And while the others are fighting the Slug, Muu explores, only to run into a guard-robot.


-While Heidi chases the now-fleeing Slug, Morris sneaks into the mushroom-forest and backstabs the robot-guard with his rifle. The guard gets knocked over, and since it was on tracks, it can't right itself.
"MY MOTION IS IMPAIRED! I CANNOT MOVE!"




-"Does anyone have a Container of Mushroom Holding?"

-"Is there anything in the remains of the robot that could be used to carry mushrooms?"
"Not after the Magic Missile and Muu stabbing the remains for several minutes, no."

-Heidi climbs to the top of a large mushroom and kills the Slug.

-"Remind me to get some bags the next time I'm in civilization."
"In Highbay!"
"Highbay's tech level is mostly medieval, but their ziploc technology is ultra-advanced."

-The PCs carry on into a cave where they finally encounter a couple of drug-runners. Unfortunately, they start shooting.
"The DEA!"
"No, no we're not the DEA!"
"The Thetas!"
"we're not the Thetas!"
"We have Bill with us!"
"Wait, yu have Bill the Elf??"
"Huh. Normally when we mention Bill they start shooting MORE.."




-It turns out one of the two drug-runners is a Sloth. Apparently, Bill is known around here, but he has some 'splainin to do.
"Did yu run into El Jefe?"
"Could be. Did he look all acid-burned and melted, like as if someone had cast a really powerful Choking Cloud on him?"

-"ok, yu must be Bill the Elf, only Bill the Elf would be so crazy to go into the Sphincter!"

-Since Bill is well known in Tijuana, so the narcos decide to take him to see 'El Capo', who will decide Bill's fate. They lead the PCs through the tunnels and into the city. Tijuana, the Shittiest Place on Earth.




-Bill is much admired, and immediately invited to several drinks of tequila. He introduces his fans to his 'crew'.  There's even narco-style songs sung about him.




-"why is this place the 'shittiest'?"
"Because it is the Shithole"
"Not because it's covered in shit?"
"Well, yes, there is a lot of shit, as yu probably smelled."




-A limo arrives, with a well-dressed yellow mutant. He is not El Capo, just the chief assistant to El Capo. He takes the whole crew through the city, which is built on a plateau in the mid-point of the canyon leading down into the Sphincter. Along the way he explains: the Dark Ones came through into the surface of the world at the Sphincter. There was a terrible war between their spawn and the High Elves and their Pythian Knights.  Finally, the High Elves were able to seal the Sphincter, with some kind of 'plug'. But the whole area now known as the Shithole was riddled with mutations and spawn of the Dark Ones, so they Elves sealed the whole area off. They used powerful magic to make teleportation in or out impossible, and then raised up a huge wall of near-impenetrable mountains that surrounded the entire zone.
"That still doesn't explain why there's shit everywhere in Tijuana."
"Oh, that is just because of really bad sanitation."

-They go to a high point in the plateau, to a remarkably large gaudy gated mansion with a style that could only be described as "Trump-esque". The area is crawling with armed bodyguards, and presumably-attractive female sloths in tight dresses and bikinis.






-They meet "El Capo", an aged sloth in a mobster-like business suit. He interrogates Bill about the events surrounding the death of Slothy Rodriguez, who was like a son to him.  Satisfied that Bill was not responsible for his death, he makes a deal: he will help the party with supplies to get them to the Sphincter, and they will owe him and his organization a favor.




-Bill is concerned when he hears that spawn of the Dark Ones are often drawn to the Sphincter, possibly including Shoggoths. So he asks El Capo to supply him with some large bags of weed.

-Muu had been injured from a bullet wound in the firefight with El Capo's men in the tunnels. He gets sent to the clinic to be treated by El Capo's obese unlicensed doctor, who they assure Muu is excellent.

-The rest of the PCs were to be given the run of the place.
"All I ask is that yu do not try to have your way with my pretty daughters!"
Bill agrees and immediately knocks Morris out with the Sleep-stone.
"Please lock him in a room and don't let him out."

-The pacifist goes to stock up on armor and weapons courtesy of the Sloths. He lies to Bill about the fact there's grenades in the Sloth mafia's armory.

-That night, there is a huge party in Bill's honor, where the PCs meet the King of Tijuana."

-"Wait... is the King of Tijuana Keith Richards?"
"Sure looks like it."





-"I guess if one person alive today would survive the heat death of the universe, it would be Keith Richards."





-"I couldn't tell from the accent if he was drunk, or British. Then I realized he was drunk AND British, and I realized who it was."




-King Keith I is VERY interested in Bill's Primo Staff. He makes Bill promise to bring it with him back to Tijuana someday if he should recover it.

-Bill and King Keith I become fast friends.

-After that, it's time talk business. El Capo gives bill two large garbage bags full of weed, which Bill hopes will have an effect on any shoggoths, as he'd noted in prior experiences. He also gives him a small pouch of a Blue Orchid Poison and a vial of Black Orchid Poison.

-"now yu should rest and gather your strength while you can my friend, unless yu want sleep with whores first.."
"No, the guy in the party that used to sleep with horse is dead."

-Muu wakes up the next morning in the clinic, fully healed of his injury.  The unkempt obese 'doctor' seems to know his stuff after all.
"does Muu still have both of his kidneys?"
"Strangely, yes."

-Morris also wakes up, in the bedroom he'd been locked into this whole time, and asks to be released. The guard sends word to Bill who comes to see him.
"Why did you do this to me? You could have just asked me to behave."
"No, I know all about your urges."
"...now I only want it more."

-Bill decides to keep Morris in the room.
"I'll be back in 10 minutes, alright? NO funny business!"
"Sure... I don't even like women!"

-"is he gone?"
"Yes, Bill left."
"Ok, I check out the window to see if I can climb to some other room where there's people to creep at."

-"Dude, El Capo's daughters are all sloths!"
"It's not about the zoophilia, it's about Bill not letting him."

-El Capo's consigliere (the handsome well-dressed yellow mutant from the limousine earlier) comes into Morris' room just before he can climb a window.
"So...I hear from my guard yu do not like the women..."

-Morris has to explain to the consigliere that he just meant he doesn't like SLOTH women, and lets him down gently.
"I trust yu will not repeat what has been said in this room to anyone..."
"Huh? OH! No, don't worry, I won't tell anyone that you're gay."
"I am NOT a puto!! I simply like to have sex with other men!"




-The consigliere leaves Morris and immediately heads to where Bill, Muu and Heidi are lounging having breakfast on the patio.
"So this Morris, he is strange, yes? I would not believe anything he say!"

-For his part, Morris had swore to the consigliere that he wouldn't say a word. Bill comes to check on him.
"Hey Bill, guess what? The consigliere is gay!!"
"Eat your breakfast and don't cause trouble."
"No! You can't tell me what to do. I don't want any breakfast."
"Fine, then don't eat it."
"No, now I want it!"

-"Dealing with Morris is like dealing with a fucking child!"
"More like a defiant teen."

-The party is almost ready to go. They finally release Morris, and after he gets some new weapons from El Capo's armory, they're ready to go.
"So, you didn't get to ruin everything by sleeping with one of El Capo's daughters, huh?"
"It's OK, I don't care. El Capo's daughters are sloths, and I'm not into sloths."

-At this point, El Capo comes down to see them off, accompanied by 2 modestly dressed sloth girls and one modestly-dressed extremely hot yellow-mutant girl.
"These are my lovely daughters: Luisa, Andrea, and of course my adopted daughter Maria... Morris, her bedroom was right above where yu were sleeping."
"SON OF A BITCH!"

-Heavily stocked up on guns, rifles, grenades, armor, poison, and a ridiculous amount of drugs, the party begins to head down the canyon-side toward the Sphincter, and hopefully the conclusion of their quest in the Shithole.


Stay tuned next time for more DCC action!


RPGPundit


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(January 28, 2017)
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