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Author Topic: DCC Campaign Log  (Read 71590 times)

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DCC Campaign Update: Mormon Wolves
« Reply #60 on: March 09, 2017, 02:33:15 AM »
The PCs had just rebooted G.O.D. using a Wish Parasite, and had been teleported to the tower of the Azure Order of wizards.  This also marks the 3-year anniversary of our campaign, give or take a week or two.

So, with G.O.D. having activated something called the "Apocalypse Protocol", everyone has a strong suspicion that the shit is about to hit the fan.

This time, here's how it went down:

-the campaign got a brand new player, who made his first three level-0 PCs.
"So your first DCC character ever is a morbidly obese Emu mafioso involved in the slave trade, who likes to sing while he kills people".
"Let me sing you the song of my people!"



(some Emus just want to see the world burn)



-His other two PCs are a mad-max style road warrior, and a human orphan who was raised by wolves, and possesses a mysterious letter that was found on him as a baby.

-"The Azure Order has already decided, by consensus show of Jazz Hands, to hold a conference to decide whether to go to the other conference, on Mt. Parnassus, where the great and the good will talk about what to do about the Apocalypse Protocol".

-Bill the Elf (in the body of Blade the bounty hunter) had vanished from the dungeon of the wish parasite; now we find out he'd been kidnaped by Nikos the crazy asshole wizard.
"I saw you were in dungeon, and I teleport you here to warn you! I find out there was prophecy that the Wish Parasite would be use to bring about destruction of the world!! And this is most important part: it will happen because one person in group questing for it will be teleport away at crucial moment!"

-After Bill explains how Nikos brought about the very disaster he claims he was trying to avert: "Maybe there still time!! Hmm... now I really wish I not kept you in stasis to probe you for presence of the wish parasite for last 23 hours... yeah, we probably too late!"

-Nikos and Sezrekhan were apparently friends long ago, according to Nikos, until Sezrekhan had a fight with him over Nikos' sister.  But you can't really believe anything this raving lunatic says.

-Wanting some proof, Bill asks Nikos to reveal something about Sezrekhan no one else knows. Nikos tells him that Sezrekhan once confessed he was jealous of clerics.

-Having already failed his master Sezrekhan yet again, and gone AWOL, Bill decides it's a great idea to contact Sezrekhan and immediately tell him that he knows this humiliating secret.

-Sezrekhan is at a meeting of most of the major Daemons where they're trying to put together a plan to stop G.0.D.

-Bill suggests Time Travel, because that's always worked. He points out the King of Elfland can time travel, because that's always worked too. Just ask the pre-emptively extinct Cyber-dragons.

-"You're a human orphan who was raised by wolves in a religious commune.  You're usually the one they get to trade with local mutant tribes, who don't like the wolves much."
"Because my family are wolves?"
"No, because they're polygamists."
"Wait.. are they Mormon wolves?"

-On the way back home the Orphan is taken by surprise by Jal'uddin, Sezrekhan's assassin, who interrogates him about the Time Dinosaurs, something the orphan knows nothing about. He then buggers off, as suddenly and mysteriously as he arrived.



(the time dinosaurs don't actually look like this, but it was what came up on a google search)

-The human orphan's entire religious compound is destroyed by a beam from heaven, but he is teleported away to safety.
"do not fear! You have been rescued from G.O.D.'s disintegration wall.  Food and blankets will be distributed shortly."

-Stuck in the Azure Wizard's magic circle with Chu and Ack'Basha, the fanfic-writer spends his time writing bad fanfic.

-The Azure Wizards are debating their options: they could try to destroy G.O.D., try to shut him back down into Emergency Mode, or somehow try to reason with him.  The problem is none of these seem really possible, since G.O.D. is found in the Crown of Creation, the highest dimension, which can't be reached by anyone (not even the Daemons), except G.O.D. himself and command-crew level Ancients (who are all dead, as far as anyone knows, since Bill the Elf accidentally killed Alice, the last Ancient girl).

-"Maybe we could create some kind of 'Safe Space' where we would be protected from all of this?"

-"I propose we sacrifice Ack'basha to bring an Ancient back to life!"
"Do you know how to do that?"
"No, I figured we could just kill Ack'basha and see what happens"

-"We Azure Wizards operate on a Consensus-based decision making process, not a democracy!"
"What's the difference?"
"In a democracy, the majority gets to force what it wants on everyone else.  In a consensus, we keep talking and talking until everyone agrees with whatever the most annoying person who won't stop until they get their way wants."

-"I hereby release the three of you from the magic circle."
"Great! Where's the bathroom??"
"Just over there."
"Is it gender neutral?"
"Of course!"

-Ack'basha is granted his freedom from the circle when he agrees to go with the Azure wizards to Mt. Parnassus, to defend his choices before the great congress of the great and the good. They don't trust him to keep his word, but he surprisingly agrees to be examined by ESP.
"Wow... I'm reading your mind and.. you're just a total piece of shit, aren't you?"
"Why? Those people were all going to die anyways."

-"From time immemorial, the great and the good of this world have gathered on Mt.Parnassus in times of great crisis, to talk about what to do until the crisis passes."

-"There's no clear evidence that G.O.D. is going to kill everyone, or repair everyone; but the evidence of the huge disintegration beam slowly making its way across the world sort of points to 'kill'."

-Bill the Elf, meanwhile, was given one single job by Sezrekhan: keep an eye on Nikos and distract him from doing anything that could fuck things up!  Naturally, as soon as he's given these orders he gets Nikos to send him away.

-Bill ends up in the palace of Anthraz the Destroyer, the incredibly old retired super-warrior.  Anthraz explains that Nikos' story about having once been a teacher for his PC party was total bullshit; and that Nikos was responsible for killing half of his original team.  However, a bit of rooting around Anthraz's enormous treasure-pile uncovers a memory of an artifact, a relic arrow, that might be able to guide them to a living Ancient (if there's one left anywhere in the world) or someone or something else capable of getting them to the Crown of Creation.

-Unfortunately, Anthraz doesn't have the arrow itself. That's in the hands of his old wizard friend Timoteus, who was driven bugfuck nuts by Nikos and became the villainous wizard known as The Archemaster.

-The Archemaster used to have an ice palace far in the north, but was driven out of there by the Council of Really Old Wizards after they took over the Elf Rose Dome. Now he's created a new base in the middle of the Dust Sea.

-Anthraz was about reveal all this when Bill suddenly gets teleported away, by the Azure Wizards.  He's taken by them because Ack'basha (who suspects that "blade" is actually Bill the Elf) may be 'important' to them at the conference.

-At the conference the PCs meet a large number of their old friends or former acquaintances, including Sandy (the former bikini-chainmail barbarian, and now the new Warlord of the Dreadfort). There's also Doctor Theobald, the Apeman Scholar.





-They also see that Zargon, master of the Ribond, is present, representing the Daemons who have sent him as their spokesman.

-Notably absent are the Presbyterian Clerics, who were apparently destroyed by a Sky-Nazi attack.
"As they were no doubt predestined to be!"

-There's also some new people to meet, like the Techno-walruses, the Legion of Super Cool Teens, and the X-mutants.  The latter consist of "Cyclops" (who is an actual cyclops), "wolverine" (who is an actual wolverine), "Colossus" (who is an actual colossus), Kitty Pride (who is a mutant furry-otherkin who pretends she's a cat), and BOLT-0, for some reason.

-"Is there anything that BOLT-0 hasn't done at this point?!"

-"Bolt-0, you're an x-mutant??"
"BOLT-O WAS A MEMBER OF THAT GROUP LONG AGO, AND THEN LEFT. BOLT-O IS KIND OF LIKE THE 'BANSHEE' OF THE X-MUTANTS"

-"Our calculations indicate that the Disintegration Wall will reach its opposite side in four days and 22 hours."
"So it's Ack'basha's plan to stall for the next 5 days until G.O.D. kills everyone?"
"We're here with the Azure Order; they're natural stallers!"

-Anthraz shows up at the great conference, pissed off at all the young whippersnappers who are as useless as ever.

-Ack'basha tries to stall by suggesting that seeking out Bob Shoggoth would be a better idea then going on this madcap quest for a magic arrow.

-Anthraz accidentally outs "blade" as being Bill the Elf in front of the whole conference.  Now about two-thirds of those present want to kill Bill, to match the two-thirds or so who want to kill Ack'basha.

-"Yes, I'm Bill the Elf... and I also have a Shoggoth as a friend."

-Bill tries to convince the conference (and a few of the PCs) that they don't need to kill Ack'Basha.
"What?? But I thought you guys were mortal enemies!?"
"Not in my fanfiction they aren't..."

-"Ack'basha, I want my Primo Staff back."
"It's mine now, Bill, but if it's to contact Bob Shoggoth, I will let you touch my staff."
"...Ok, I guess that well of fanfiction inspiration hasn't quite run dry yet..."

-unwilling to wait any longer, the X-mutants (including BOLT-O) teleport away to the Dust Sea in search of the Achemaster's Arrow.

-After getting stoned out of his mind, Bill does contact Bob Shoggoth, who is going into hiding. He explains that G.0.D.'s apocalypse protocol will wipe out almost all life on the inner surface of the world of the Last Sun, with the plan being that he'll rebuild everything from the genetic seed banks of the Ancients. The problem being that those seed banks were destroyed or corrupted by the Dark Ones long ago.


(not surprisingly, the Rastafarian Great Old One isn't going to save the world)

-Zargon declares that he is leaving, and will inform the other Daemons that all the great and the good of the world of the Last Sun are as fucking useless as ever.

-The PCs finally agree to go looking for the Archemaster's arrow, once Dr.Theobald points out that the arrow will be useful for just about any subsequent plan anyone in the group might have, regardless of the fact that the PCs' goals after that will be in direct opposition of each other.

-Before leaving, Dr.Theobald gets a little collection going to help equip the newbie PCs (and some of the other PCs who are woefully under equipped).  As well as some standard armor and weapons (mostly looted from the bodies of the refugees that have been flooding into the valley at the bottom of Mt.Parnassus), and a couple of magic items, and a book on demonology (that may have been written by BOLT-0), they get a high-tech briefcase of holding (courtesy of the Techno-Walruses) and a hoverboard (thanks to the Legion of Super Cool Teens).
The Emu takes the hoverboard. "It's every Emu's dream to fly!"


(techno-walruses)

-The refugees are starving and killing each other for racial and religious reasons.
"Have you not given them any help yet? What about the blankets and food you promised them??"
"We'll be giving them blankets and food as soon as the conference is over."
"My god, they're all going to starve!"

-The team heads off to the Dust Sea, a desert wasteland where nothing can live.  The Road Warrior feels right at home.

-The team is attacked by a couple of dozen sand-skeletons!  After a vicious battle, the skeletons are defeated, but the Emu has died.
"How tragic.. oh well, we'll be eating chicken tonight!"

-"The Dust Sea appears to be a massive graveyard... in fact, most of this dust in the air is probably from bones."
"Well that's not very hygenic!"

-Carrying on, they find the remains of the X-mutants, all of whom were slaughtered by a giant sandworm.  Except BOLT-0, who was not in the sandworm's diet.

-Carrying on a bit further, they end up running into said giant sandworm, and it's a biggie! The battle is on!
"I hit it with my flamethrower!"
"Great; now it's a giant murderous sandworm that's also on fire!"

-"Aren't you going to help?"
"I don't know what to do with a giant worm!"
"That's also my problem... get it?"

-The Giant Sandworm swallows Bill the Elf whole! But unfortunately, the rest of the party slaughters the worm before it can finish digesting him.

-The sandworm pays off with a bunch of gems and coins in its belly. Also, the road warrior takes a few dozen teeth for a necklace.

-The party decides to camp out there, by the corpse of the giant worm.

As it was getting late, that's also where we stopped for the day.  Stay tuned next time, to find out if the PCs manage to stop the Apocalypse Protocol, or fuck everything up beyond belief as usual.

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DCC Campaign Log
« Reply #61 on: March 21, 2017, 01:03:19 PM »
DCC Campaign Update: Pandassasins!


So as of last adventure, the PCs found themselves in the Dust Sea, looking for the Archemaster's new lair, determined to get from him the Arrow of Seeking which has the possibility to lead them to a surviving Ancient.  They need to do this, because G.O.D. has woken up from his "emergency mode", and apparently plans to wipe out most life in the world in order to start again from scratch (to make things worse, according to reliable information, the tools needed to remake the world don't actually exist anymore, which means it would be the end for everything)!
G.O.D. has ensconced himself in the highest dimension, the Crown of Creation, which can't even be reached by anyone other than an ancient with the correct control codes.

So here's what happened:

-"Ack'basha might be trying to kill the world, but you're a weirdo!"
"We're not so different, you and I"

-The fanfic-porn-writer quickly gets himself in over his head by getting hired as Sandy the Bikini-Chainmail-barbarian Warlord's 'chronicler'.
"so... I'm guessing you're a 'top', right?"
"...I'm a top warlord!"

-Suddenly, horrific mutant creatures with a hideous appearance come forth out of the sands and attack the PCs!
"Are we seriously being attacked by six-armed Sand-assholes?"

-"I like how Ack'basha still keeps pretending like he's thinking about what he's going to do at the start of combat. Like he's ever going to choose something for the good of the party, and not just cast Holy Sanctuary on himself"

-"This is one fight where no matter who the winner is, it's going to be some sort of asshole".

-Ack'basha fails to cast Holy Sanctuary, and is actually taken down by a deadly grab-and-bite combo that the PCs immediately dub the "sphincter attack".

-"I, Sandy the Warlord, devastated the asshole! I want your chronicle to say that!"
"Oh, believe me, it will"

-"Ugh.. I'm covered in whatever fluids that sand-asshole had inside it."

-The PCs finally find their way to the Archemaster's new base.  A huge, rusted, semi-ruined Ancients' structure in the middle of the Dust Sea.  It is covered in magical runes that the fanfic-writer identifies as being wards preventing access to Daemons and annulling Daemonic magic.
"What a craphole!"





-As soon as they enter, they are confronted by a group of incorporeal undead that seem to be the phantasms of long-dead technicians.
"Look out, Nerd-Wraiths!"

-"This door is sealed, Doctor Theobald, do you know how to get it open?"
"Possibly, but I don't have any tools".
"I have some thief tools!"
"...you just gave me medieval thief tools to open a super high-tech Star-trek slidey-door."
"Can you do it or not?"
"...probably."

-In fact, the Ape-man academic was not able to open the star-trek door with medieval thief tools.  So Sandy starts working on bashing it to pieces with her axe.  She does this for about ten minutes before the PCs remember they have a super-strong Industrial Robot on their team.


-In the next area, they encounter some highly emaciated Snow-creatures.
"What kind of idiot would stock his desert-dungeon with snow-golems?!"
"Well, remember, the guy used to be based in the tundra..."




-They quickly dispatch the pathetic creatures, who were already on their last legs.
"Anyone actually hurt?"
"No, the only casualty here was the Archemaster's dignity"

-Next they get to an area that has an ancient (now insane) robotic brain, guarded by a few Robo-wasps, which have a decent amount of hit points but pathetic armor and weapons. They too are quickly dispatched.
"What the fuck is this, The Dungeon of Pathetic Creatures?!"

-The Insane Computer demands that all the PCs bow before it, and swear allegiance to eternal Evil!
"That's not even an alignment here!"




-"I DO NOT OBEY G.O.D.! G.O.D. HAS LOST HIS MIND, UNLIKE I WHO AM PERFECTLY SANE! HAIL EVIL!"

-"ALL OF YOU MUST KNEEL! I DEMAND KNEELING!"
"I have a couple of fanfics that start that way..."

-Ack'basha tries to convince the computer
"The Evil that G.O.D. will accomplish is greater than any other considerations!"

-Sandy finally gets tired of the evil computer and smashes it to pieces.

-The PCs move on to a huge chamber that looks like the central power-plant.  As they arrive, they're confronted by more of the Archemaster's Ice Golems, coming in from the other entrance!
These are in slightly better shape than the ones at the start, but with the extreme heat of the room, they start to melt all on their own.

-Chu is a bit impatient.
"If the heat doesn't get them, my flamethrower will!"

-They move on into a room where a Dark Elf is sitting meditating.  It turns out he's a sinister Dark Elf warrior/wizard, who like most Dark Elves looks totally badass but has a stupid name and a squeaky little voice.
In this case, he is "Darth Tobias" and came to this complex to try to control some ancient artifacts, giant statues, in the other room.  The PCs try to recruit him but he's not interested in joining their quest to save the world, only to gain the awesome power of the God-statues.





-"So, he's trying to control superpowerful ancient artifacts that have dark power?  Yeah, boys, I'm pretty sure this is a problem that will solve itself..."

-Instead of fighting him, the PCs just go past him, and then seal him in the room with an extra-powerful Ward Portal spell, just to piss him off.   There's nothing more fun than pissing off Dark Elves. They deserve it.

-The PCs are nearly at the Archemaster's chamber, when suddenly, Pandassasins attack!
Yes, those are Pandas who are also assassins.










-They also have some magical abilities.  Unfortunately for the PCs, one of them involves mentally dominating Sandy the Warlord, and having her start to attack the PCs. Somehow, they've managed to turn the most pathetic dungeon they've been in into the deadliest encounter they've had in ages!

-Bill the Elf tries to use a Planar Step to get out of Dodge, misfires, and ends up making all the PCs switch places.  Suddenly, most of the party is left out in the statuary room with the Pandassasins, while Bill and Chu are left stuck with a still mind-controlled and murderous Sandy!  Well, she's ALWAYS murderous, but usually it's toward people other than the PCs.

-"Chu, do you have anything that can stop Sandy?!"
"Only my spear, and a desperate will to live!"

-Chu impressively manages to disarm Sandy!
"That gives us a chance!"
"She'll probably just start punching the shit out of us.. please please just punch the shit out of us!"

-Bill tries to counter the mind control with magic, and this causes a Phlogiston Disturbance, which leads to a "bullet time" confrontation between him and the Chief Pandassassin-wizard, while everyone else is moving in ultra-slow motion.

-Bill takes advantage of "Bullet time" by touching Sandy with the Primo Staff, leaving her stoned out of her mind.  Then he goes and kills the fuck out of the Pandassassin boss.

-When ordinary-time comes back, Sandy is tripping balls next to the panda corpse.
"This dead panda is soooo fuzzy..."

-The remaining Pandassasins are made to flee, but not before the fanfic-writer was tragically slain.  His last request is that his final erotic fanfics be published.  Ack'basha immediately burns them all instead.

-The party finally encounters the Archemaster, in a room filled with treasure, and a Sand Elemental, and a couple of very sickly looking dire snow-apes.  Just by looking at him, the PCs can tell the Archemaster is bugfuck nuts.



-Everything else in the world of the Last Sun may be facing extinction, but there's no risk of running out of crazy wizards any time soon.

-"what the fuck happened to you, man?"
"I'm having a temporary staffing problem!"

-The Archemaster is willing to peaceably part with the Arrow of Seeking, but he demands one of two conditions: he must either be given a "perfect human girl of marriageable age", or the death of the Council of Really Old Wizards (who drove him away from the Tundra).

-The PCs use the Arrow of Seeking, and it teleports them all to a half-collapsed deep underground chamber with a single Cryo-statis Tube.  Inside, there is a healthy-looking adult male Ancient wearing the uniform of the Command Staff.  Exactly what they need to get to the Crown of Creation and have a chance to stop G.0.D.'s insane plan.

-The second they free him, the Wizard Nikos teleports in from nowhere, grabs the Ancient, and teleports away!  He was playing the PCs all along.  Unable to get into the Archemaster's warded lair, he manipulated Bill and later the whole party to get the arrow and lead him to the Ancient he needed, presumably to go to the Crown of Creation himself.



(crazy old Greek wizards are the worst of all!)

"What a fucking asshole!"

So, we stop off there, once again finding that the PCs have potentially fucked up the world even worse than before.

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DCC Campaign Log
« Reply #62 on: April 02, 2017, 05:51:16 AM »
DCC Campaign Update:There, I've Fixed Everything


In the previous adventure, our stalwart anti-heroes were trying to stop G.O.D. from destroying the world with his Apocalypse Protocol.  They needed to find a living Ancient to accomplish this, having (accidentally) killed the one they had previously found.  After a lot of trouble, they finally managed to get themselves a replacement Ancient, in a cave deep below the world, only to have the insane wizard Nikos show up and take him away.

Now:

-"I have to say, G.O.D.'s half-assed over-reaction is a lot worse than G.O.D.'s half-assed under-reaction."

-Suddenly, a portal opens up, and a zombie in renaissance clothing comes out, holding out his putrefied hand:
"Come with me if you don't want to live anymore!"

-The zombie is intelligent, and his name is Giancomo.

-This campaign has gotten to the point where a talking zombie walks out of a mysterious portal, and half the party is willing to go with him, no questions asked.

-"I take you to the court of the Nightmare Queen. Is nice!"

-"I see you are still alive. Unfortunate! But is ok, we can fix!"
"I tried to do that with Bill, but it didn't take."

-"I know this is really prejudiced of me, but I have to ask: do you eat brains?"
"No, I can eat all flesh of living, is good! But brains is special delicacy!"

-Giancomo is from the Zombie Empire.  BOLT-0 is not impressed: "THE ZOMBIE EMPIRE IS IMPERIALIST!"

-Even so, the party goes with Giancomo to the Zombie Empire court of the Nightmare Queen. It's a pretty civilized place, full of zombies dressed up in fancy renaissance-Italy style costumes. The Nightmare Queen looks like an impressive zombie version of Elizabeth I, bejeweled dress and wide collar and all. She has a proposition for the PCs: she'll give them immortal existence by making them zombie aristocrats in her empire, if they help her take down G.O.D.
Her plan to do this, however, involves unsealing something called the "pit of 10000 souls" which she'll use as a superweapon to blast her way into the Crown of Creation; unfortunately in the process all non-undead life on the inner surface of the world will be extinguished.

-"So we have to choose between letting G.O.D. kill absolutely everything, or helping the Nightmare Queen to just kill everything that isn't undead?"
"That's this whole campaign in a nutshell, isn't it? A constant choice between the lesser of two or more complete fuckups."

-While the PCs try to decide whether they'll accept the Nightmare Queen's generous offer, the court has a banquet in the PCs' honor. The banquet includes fancy dances, a zombie string quartet, and a large table of fine foods for mortals (Dr.Theobald particularly appreciates the bananas). The zombies have a table full of raw meat and live animals, but then the main course arrives: a group of living mortal prisoners that the zombies plan to go all 'walking dead' on.

-Ack'basha's rarely-used clerical instinct for good kicks in, and he jumps in to protect the prisoners.
"Why do I feel like Ack'Basha's trying to do the right thing? I'm confused..."
"It's so weird... it feels so wrong!"

-The Zombies very diplomatically decide to spare the mortals' lives in consideration for their special guests, and suddenly the party is graced with three 0-level newbs! One is a human dentist from Arkhome, another a Cold Mutant from the tundra, and the last is a Fishman fisherman.

-Meanwhile, the Nightmare Queen has invited Bill the Elf into her chambers. He's a bit worried that the zombie-monarch is going to try to proposition him.
"Oh, don't worry. I know I look hideous to you right now, but when you become a zombie I'll seem amazingly attractive.  By zombie standards I have like an 18 Charisma."

-The Nightmare Queen knows that Bill has a phylactery, and that it is in Sezrekhan's possession. She claims that if he joins forces with her, she can steal the phylactery back for him.  She'll make him a lich, like she is, and an Arch-Duke in the Zombie Empire.  After all the mortal life is extinguished, she plans to expand the Zombie Empire world-wide, and he'll be in charge of his own continent.

-Bill is nearly on board, but he just about balks at the deal when he realizes that zombies can't get high from any of his favorite drugs.
"Well, we do have other ways to do that kind of thing.  Eating the brains of Alzheimer's patients, for example"

-Meanwhile, at the Banquet, Ack'Basha has a surprise encounter with an old acquaintance: the Assassin King! The former monarch of Arkhome has fled in exile to the Zombie Empire, after having been overthrown by a coalition of the Halconlords and the Arkhome Old Families.
The Assassin King has an alternate offer: he has information about another surviving Ancient. He wants to steal the special scroll that would allow the Nightmare Queen to release the power of the Pit of 10000 Souls, and then help Ack'basha to find the remaining Ancient, in exchange for Ack'basha helping him retake his throne in Arkhome.
"You know, for an extinct race, there sure are an awful lot of ancients fucking around..."

-Meanwhile, Bill pretends to agree with the Nightmare Queen's proposal, but then decides to immediately contact Sezrekhan.  He tells his zombie handler that he needs to use a bathroom, as a way to get some privacy, which creates the problem of the zombies having to improvise a bathroom in a palace designed for inhabitants who have no need of bathrooms.

-Sezrekhan confirms the Nightmare Queen's claim of having been a former agent of Sezrekhan, saying that in fact she was perhaps his greatest student.
"Hey, that hurts!"
"Seriously?  You aren't even in the top 100!"

-With Ack'basha wanting to get the team on board with the Assassin King's plan, and Bill wanting to get the team to unknowingly help him to fulfill Sezrekhan's orders to find out who is betraying him to the Nightmare Queen and then thwart her, both decide they need to get some private time with the other adventurers.

-"Ok, let's get into a huddle.. not you, newb. You don't get to be in the huddle until you're level 1"

-The huddle is deemed insufficiently private.
"Hey Giancomo.. we need to have a room to.. um.. sleep in and.. uh.. do other living-people things"

-Giancomo leads the group to the diplomatic guest bedrooms, including the three newbies.
"So, you used to be food, eh? Congratulations! And they say you can't move up in the world anymore."

-The team now have to reach some kind of a decision.
"Let's go for a consensus agreement!"
"Oh shit, not consensus!"

-"I have a phylactery"
"Having a phylactery just means I get to kill you more than once!"

-Unable to reach a unified decision (by consensus or otherwise), the party decides to split.  In spite of splitting the party having never ever been a good idea.  Dr.Theobald, Bolt-0 and one of the newbs are going with Ack'basha; while Sandy, Chu, and the other two newbs want to stay in the Zombie Empire with Bill.

-Ack'basha's group gets magically snuck out of the palace by the Assassin King. Meanwhile, the other group almost immediately regrets their decision to stay behind, when Bill (on orders from Sezrekhan, having found out who the Nightmare Queen's 'inside man' was) suddenly decides that he wants to leave now.




-Ack'basha's group meet with the Assassin King, as they prepare to flee the city on a zombie gondola (complete with zombie gondolier).  There, they learn that the Assassin King's agent, who had the info on the Ancient and who just stole the Nightmare Queen's magical armageddon scroll, is none other than Jal'udin the rogue!  The same guy who killed Bill for the first time, betrayed the party for Sezrekhan and who murdered Marvin the Chosen One, and stopped Ack'basha from using the sacred USB cable to reboot G.O.D. the first time.
"You killed Marvin, why shouldn't I kill you here?"
"Please. If you had gotten your way we just would have been in this mess we're in now, one year earlier."
"...touche."

-Furthermore, it turns out that the Ancient he discovered was none other than the human boy who'd been raised by a religious sect of Polygamous Wolves!  Mormon-wolf Boy had been with the PCs all along without any of them realizing it, and had disappeared mysteriously in the Dust Sea.  As it turns out, because Jal'udin had kidnapped him.
"Ok, so where is he now?"
"I don't know. After I kidnapped him from you, the Time Dinosaurs showed up and kidnapped him from me."

-"So you served Sezrekhan, but the Nightmare Queen thought you were working for her, only you betrayed her to team up with the Assassin King?"
"Jal'udin is a professional triple-crosser!"

-The group with Bill, realizing they've made a terrible mistake by choosing to stick with him, decide to rat him out to the Nightmare Queen.
"Man, we really should have gone with Ack'Basha. Sure, Ack'basha will fuck you in the end, but Bill fucks you right from the start!"


-The last straw was when they realized he had been lying to them about what she'd said to him, and at that point both the zombies and the other PCs are ready to kill Bill. Bill decides it's time to bugger off, and teleports himself to the only place where he's likely to be safe for at least the short term; planewalking to Mt.Parnassus (where the timeless law of neutral ground states that there can be no violence).

-Bill finds that in the four days since he was last there, the huge assembly of the great and the good have accomplished precisely fuck all. They're still just making long presentations and speeches and breaking up discussion into smaller groups while they ceaselessly prevaricate about how to deal with the crisis.  He decides to warn them about Nikos having stolen an Ancient, and the Nightmare Queen's plans.
"Why should we listen to you? You caused all this when you killed the Ancient girl!"
"It was an accident! Everyone gets one free pass, right?"
"Everyone gets a free pass to kill one Ancient?!"
"I guess that explains why they're basically extinct."

-"My fellow assembly-persons: with this new information that has come to light, and with less than 24 hours until the Apocalypse Protocol completes, I think it is very clear that we now MUST take action.  Therefore, I propose a bold move: we must create a whole new Sub-Committee!"

-When the Nightmare Queen realizes that her scroll to break the seal on the Pit of 10000 Souls has been stolen, she is ready to give up. But Chu suggests that they might still be able to save the world if they can perhaps find Nikos and the Ancient he took with him. The sewers below Arkhome, the only place where Nikos is known to live, seems like the most likely place to look.

-Meanwhile, Ack'basha and the Assassin King fail to be able to find the Time Dinosaurs through divination magic.  Thus, they decide to fall back on their backup: they will go to Arkhome to try to find Nikos and take back the Ancient he stole.

-Finally, Bill the Elf manages to send word to the Daemons, telling them that the only chance now might be if they can get back the Ancient that Nikos stole. They decide to send a strikeforce of Halconlords to raid Nikos' sewer-hovel.  Bill himself plans to go, but first he gets high and has a vision of Nikos, and a warning that there will be mass bloodshed for everyone who comes  to Arkhome. So he decides to sit this one out and let everyone else get blood-shedded.

-the Nightmare Queen sends the Dentist and Giancomo the Zombie to the Arkhome Sewers first, to parley with Nikos, who again looks less like a wizard and more like a greek slob.
"You serious?  You send 0-level character to try to solve this?!"




-Nikos turns Giancomo human, then back to a zombie again, then slices him in half. Then he gives the Dentist little vestigial wings "So you be like cupid. Chicks like that! Women are dumb for cute! Now you go. I keep zombie legs. Might prove useful in future!"

-Bill the Elf, meanwhile, finds himself at the foot of Mt.Parnassus, where he sees the thousands of refugees still haven't gotten food or blankets, and have mostly started killing each other or dying of hunger.  He remembers that when he asked Nikos what he wanted, Nikos said he wanted "$19.95". So  he starts looting bodies until he finds 19gp, 95cp, climbs up Parnassus and then throws it off the edge.
"There. I've fixed everything!"

-"There are some here already. Your friends, the Warrior Woman, the Annoying Guy, and some Little Shit"
*whispered* "I wonder which of us is which?"

-The Assassin King and Ack'basha, with their assassins, arrive at the sewers, at exactly the same time as the Halconlord strike team, in a scene reminiscent of this:





-Halconlords: "The Ribond is Light!"
Ack'basha the cleric: "Freaking religious types..."

-the Halconlords and Assassins promptly forget all about Nikos and the imminent end of the world, and start slaughtering each other. By the time the fight is over (the Assassins winning, albeit with heavy losses), Nikos is already ascending in a column of light up to the Crown of Creation!

-All other options now being lost, or rather wasted, Ack'Basha tries extreme measures, using Divine Aid to try to contact the King of Elfland, hoping he can get the senile old daemon to send him back in time to fix everything. The King of Elfland mistakes him for G.O.D., and agrees that he will send Ack'basha and his friends back in time 'whenever' to recover the missing wolf-boy Ancient from the Time Dinosaurs. But then, nothing actually seems to happen.
"well, that didn't work. Maybe I should try again?"
"So, you're actually going to double down on the most insane plan you've ever had?"
"We've gotten to the point where Ack'Basha is using Divine Aid to basically prank-call Daemons"

-However, something DOES happen. Or rather, doesn't! G.O.D.'s Apocalypse Protocol appears to shut down, whether thanks to Nikos, or to the King of Elfland, or the Time Dinosaurs, or Bill's sacrifice of $19.95, it isn't really clear.

-On Mt.Parnassus, the Council of the Great and the Good declare victory: "The important thing is that we did here really mattered!"

-"As for you, Bill, you did the most important thing you could have possibly done to end this crisis: Nothing!"

-"Once again, we have restored the status quo, of our fragile reality hanging by a thread."

-Sezrekhan is quite happy with how things turned out, when Bill contacts him.  It even turns out that Jal'udin is still working for him, though the Assassin King equally believes in Jal'udin's loyalty.  Bill, for his part, asks for a new body; so Sezrekhan obliges him by teleporting him 80Km in the air above the valley to his death.

-Bill comes back, in the middle of a grassy field, in the body of some other mutant, being threatened by a 5-inch tall humanoid that looks like a ball of fluff.

Next time: Invasion of the Tiny Fluffy People!

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DCC Campaign Update: Nothing of Value Will be Lost
« Reply #63 on: April 20, 2017, 12:24:12 AM »
So at the end of the previous adventure, the PCs had kind of sort of had something vaguely to do with stopping G.O.D. from destroying all life in the world.  Now most of them were still in the sewers of Arkhome, a bit at a loss as to what to do.  All except Bill the Elf who found himself in a new body in the middle of nowhere, confronted by an adorable tiny fluff-person.





Now:

-The PCs got to see the Assassin King standing there looking all epic.




-Bill the Elf leveled up, which means he got himself a random spell, which turned out to be the most useless 4th level spell.

-"Assassin king, I would like to hire you to kidnap someone"
"I'm not the Kidnapping King!"
"But it's pretty much just like assassinating someone except without actually killing them!"

-The PCs decide to go with the Assassin King, to fulfill their promise of helping him to take Arkhome back from the Old Families and the Halconlords.  Unfortunately, the moment they get out of the sewers and up to the ground level of Arkhome, they find themselves facing about 90 Halconlords, including Duke Halcon himself!

-Deciding that 8 vs. 90 is not good odds, Chu convinces Sandy the Warlord to defy Duke Halcon to single combat, figuring it'll be an easy way to solve the problem.




-It certainly does solve things pretty fast, when in the first round Sandy loses half her hit points and it's obvious that Duke Halcon is a vastly superior combatant.
"...I've made a huge mistake"

-In the second round of combat, Duke Halcon slices half of Sandy's left leg clean off!




-"Ok.. Sandy's doomed. It's time to get the fuck out of Dodge!"

-"Holy shit! He took her leg off!! I've just failed my morality check"
"do you mean you've failed your morale check?"
"No, I meant morality check, as in I'm going try to sneak back down into the sewers and leave everyone else to be slaughtered"
"I think you all lost your morality check long ago..."

-While the rest of the PCs are throwing out Darkness spells and running like hell, Bill the Elf is somewhere completely different, finding himself the 'prisoner' of a little fluffy warrior, who is going to take Bill to his king.  Along the way, the tiny fluffy person spontaneously reproduces, several times, so that there's 8 little fluffy people by the time Bill gets to Little Fluffy Person HQ, where he notes there's maybe a thousand little fluffy persons, all of them asexually reproducing at an alarming rate.

-"Ok, so at this rate there'll be like a quadrillion fluffy people in a couple of days.. this might be a bigger problem than it first appears"




-"With our bravery, our numbers, and our cuteness we will conquer the world!"

-Bill discovers that the Tiny Fluffy People had been brought to the material plane by the King of Elfland, as some crazy senile-old-man move to try to repopulate the world if G.O.D. annihilates it, and then forgot to send them back.  Now the Tiny Fluffy People have decided they're going to conquer the entire world, and they might just do it through sheer force of numbers.

-Bill also finds he's not the only prisoner.  He meets fellow prisoner Zeke Bodean, who is a world-renowned Scriptural Archaeologist.
"Through my careful investigations and the guiding hand of the Lord, I have been able to miraculously discover a number of the ancient relics that are mentioned in the Holy Book.  For example, I rediscovered the ass-bone that Molosh used to slay 10000 Jebishites, the golden cup of Abanathia the Harlot, and the ruins of the hill fortress of the Zamalekites which was razed to the ground by King Shobazephat!"


(I imagine Bodean looking like this guy)

-While held prisoners in a rapidly-built Fluffy Person wicker cage, Zeke Bodean decides to exorcise Bill of the demon Sezrekhan's hold on him, by praying for him, laying hands, and speaking in tongues.  Bill decides to play a trick on this religious nutso by using his Cantrip spell to simulate the voice of G.O.D.

-"Now look, my friend, G.0.D. is not your enemy. He has a message of peace and love... and terrible wrath on anyone who doesn't listen to it."

-"You fluffy heathens must do what you will, but you will not stand against the power of the Lord. Both my friend Bill and I are ready to die as martyrs!"
"No I'm not! Anyways, I died a few times already... it didn't take!"

-Meanwhile, the rest of the party got split up as they fled from the Halconlords.  Chu and Dr.Theobald the ape scientist got lost deep in the sewers; while Ack'Basha managed to find his way to an Assassin hideout, and they agreed to smuggle him to the city while waiting to find out if the Assassin King himself had survived the battle.





-"Holy fuck, Sandy is dead.. probably!"
"It just goes to show, no matter how amazing you are, there's always someone higher level than you. Well, unless you're 10th level."

-Ack'Basha gets up to the Arkhome city levels, killing a couple of muggers and raising them as his first zombie servants, which will look totally inconspicuous.

-Ack'Basha realizes he's in the Arkhome spire known as "the Slaver's Tower", which once had a large slave market. Today it has a small slave market and a large handicraft market.

-Bill the Elf decides he's sick of the Fluffy People and Bodean, and planar-steps his way a few hundred kilometers away. It's then that he realizes that the general area he's in is none other than the Great Furry Plain. He realizes this when he sees a village up ahead with the surrounding farmland being worked by a number of peasants dressed up in fursuits.


-"Why hello there, stranger! My name is Barksdale! I'm one-half kangaroo and one-half dog. I'm also polysexual! You look like you need a hug.. or maybe some dry humping?"

-"Take these turnips with you on your journey.. they may be useful for multiple purposes!"

-After 10 minutes with the fursuiters, Bill is ready to planar-step the fuck out of there, even at the cost of slicing off 3d4 damage worth of his own flesh to do it.
"Oh my lord!" says Barksdale, "that's horrible! ...And a little kinky!"

-Bill does finally teleport away, getting to the door of the Azure Tower through massive spellburn, but now finds himself unable to say anything other than his true name.  He must now proceed to try to explain the threat of the Tiny Fluffy People through an awkward game of charades with the gender nonconforming wizards of the Azure Order.

-Having been lost for hours in the sewers, Chu and Dr.Theobald end up in the lair of a Fun-Guy, a species of humanoid mushroom-man made from psychedelic substances.  They avoid getting themselves killed by agreeing to buy his wares.




-They then move on to the caves of the Hand Tribe, a species of cursed humanoids with enormous hands where their heads should be.

-"you distract the Hand Tribe guards and I'll try to disarm them"
"there's multiple ways of interpreting that"

-Chu and Dr.Theobald finally make it to the surface, where they find BOLT-0!
"we need to find a more civilized place!"
"ARKHOME IS THE MOST CIVILIZED AREA OF THIS PART OF THE CONTINENT"
"Really? This shithole?"
"YES, THIS PLACE IS A SHITHOLE"

-At the Azure Tower, Bill finally manages to explain what's going on with the Tiny Fluffy People and their plans for world domination.
"We're going to have to immolate the entire Great Furry Plain"
"...nothing of value will be lost."




-The Azure Wizards decide to bring in the rest of the PC team to deal with the crisis.

-BOLT-0 detects radiation from Bill's new body (a radiation mutant)
"BOLT-O DETECTS 51 DIFFERENT FORMS OF CANCER IN YOUR NEW BODY"

-The PCs will split up into various groups: Bill will stay behind with the Azure Wizards to help in the group ritual to create the biggest Control Fire spell ever (ironically, with the shitty spell he was bemoaning getting on leveling up). Chu will go into the Fluffy People's camp to rescue the prisoners they've currently captured.  Ack'Basha will also go among them, to provide a distraction and later to act as the epicenter of the massive fireball they're going to create (with the help of a magic pendant to let them channel the spell to him).

-When Chu and Ack'basha arrive, Chu willingly lets himself be captured while Ack'basha pretends to be an ally of the Fluffy People, warning them that their enemies plan to attack.
The Fluffy people have a defensive strategy: "Form the war machine!"
With that, a billion fluffy people combine to form a giant mecha-fluffy person.

-Chu ends up trapped in a wicker cage with a group of furries who greet him in their traditional manner, with a dry-humping "cuddle pile".

-"you know Bill, you're really shitty at this whole 'reformed' act"
"Well, you can't expect me to completely reform overnight!"
"We don't actually expect you to reform at all!"

-BOLT-O is also helping with the Azure Wizard's ritual, using his vast occult knowledge to inscribe a +4 ritual circle of power.




-Dr.Theobald had been sent to try to warn the major Furry settlement of the impending fireball, only a few bothered to listen to him.
"these furries are idiots!"
"Didn't the costumes give that away?"

-Incredibly, the ritual goes off without a hitch, and the Great Furry Plain turns into the Great Furry Plain of Glass.


-"I managed to save about 4 people! I think that's a new record for us!"
"Wait, are we going to start marking our success by how many people we save?"
"...nah."

-In reward for their success, the Azure Order helps the PCs out, relieving them from the geas-bracelets the Archemaster had imposed upon them, erasing that spell Bill didn't like, and in the case of Dr. Theobald, sending him back home to the Gorilla Kingdoms.  He is at most a part-time adventurer, and at this point considers himself lucky to have survived TWO full stints with our PCs.

-"you know, I can't believe we survived that dungeon.. we made a good team, Chu and I".
"Chu better believe it!"
"as far as I'm concerned, Chu and I have a lot in common"
"On the other hand, Chu and I travel to the beat of a different drum"

-Ack'basha decides to give BOLT-O the 'One Ring', in what will no doubt eventually lead to Ack'Basha saying "..I've made a huge mistake" at some point in the future.
"PLEASE EXCUSE BOLT-O FOR JUST ONE MOMENT..."
(heard from the hallway) "WOO-HOO!"

-the group also gains a new NPC hanger on, as Scriptural Archaeologist Zeke Bodean was one of those who was saved by Chu, and decides that he is being called on by the Lord to accompany the mostly-heathen PCs on their journey, hoping his (probably worthless) scriptural-archeology skills will prove to be of some use to them.

-"BOLT-0 FINDS BODEAN'S FANTASIES AMUSING!"

The adventure comes to a close with the majority of the PCs heading off to Highbay, where they plan to figure out just how to take advantage of the power-vacuum that will be happening in the lands of the Warlord Sandy when news of her death at the hands of the Halconlords reaches there.
All except for Bill, who is going to stop off at Anthraz's palace/retirement-home first, hoping the incredibly old super-adventurer might have a way to help him find his lost Primo Staff.

That's it for this week. Stay tuned in a couple of weeks for more exciting DCC adventures!

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DCC Campaign Log
« Reply #64 on: May 02, 2017, 02:13:10 AM »
DCC Campaign Update: Come at Me, Bro!


In our last adventure, the PCs had ended up going back to Highbay, with the vague plan of trying to take advantage of the tragic demise of their former dear friend Sandy the Warlord, hoping to go to her former center of power (the Dread Fort) and take everything that wasn't nailed to the floor. All except Bill, who decided to stop off to visit retired super-adventurer Anthraz first, and the Fishman Fisherman who had last been seen getting apparently wiped out of existence when the Wizard Nikos' former hovel imploded.

Now:

-The Fishman Fisherman is in an extradimensional space, of infinite emptiness.
"I don't have time for this Matrix shit."




-Fortunately, Nikos tells him to go back to the material plane, and warn his friends not to try to follow him to the Crown of Creation.  He literally drops the Fishman Fisherman down from the heavens.

-Luckily, there's something to break his fall:
"Pillows! Conveniently placed pillows for sale!"

-"What were those pillows made of?"
"Weed."

-"BOLT-0 IS GLAD TO SEE THE RETURN OF HIS FRIEND!"
"Are you really 'friends' with this newb?"
"INASMUCH AS ONE CAN MAKE FRIENDS WITH CANNON FODDER"

-"So Sandy's really dead?!"
"Well, we didn't actually stick around to see her final death, so you know, if there's no seen body."
"BOLT-O IS FAMILIAR WITH THE PRINCIPLE OF 'WE COULDN'T FIND THE BODY'"
"So what y'all are saying is that she's Schroedinger's psychopath?"

-"We'll be going to the dread fort as soon as we're healed up."
"I don't know. I'm pretty sure that place is above my challenge rating."

-Highbay has changed somewhat since the last time the PCs were here.  The gang war they'd inadvertently started between the cyrilic/Goldhalcon mafia and the Bharata/Draconian mafia allowed the Highbay authorities to get rid of both sides, and set up the relatively harmless local dealer 'Old Crazy Jim' as the new criminal kingpin.  For Highbay, that's a total victory.

-"Goddamn kids today, going to the tatoo parlor and getting a new body."

-"I've been stabbed through the spleen more often than you've had orgasms!"

-Highbay's market is not like other town's markets. Case in point, the "Armor and Meth Emporium".

-BOLT-0 is thinking of staying behind in Highbay and resuming his former job as a Councillor.
"BOLT-0 MAY NOT BE THE BOLT-TURNING ROBOT THIS CITY DESERVES, BUT HE IS THE BOLT-TURNING ROBOT THIS CITY NEEDS"




-Suddenly, an enraged minotaur teleports in out of nowhere and charges at the party.
"Oh fuck you!!"




-"You were exercising Warrior Privilege when you slaughtered that minotaur!"
"Warriors don't have any privilege"
"In this system they do, they can attack more than once a round!"

-Meanwhile, in all this, Bill the Elf got booted by a fairly grumpy Anthraz, and ended up back in the valley at the base of Mt.Parnassus searching for his Primo Staff.  He saw that the vast numbers of refugees had all either died or fled, and there were mostly ruined tents and corpses left on the field. He finds the corpse of his former body, but his Primo Staff has been stolen; presumably by whoever it was who also wrote "bill was here" on his armor.

-Eventually, Bill did find one crazy old woman named Elsa cooking what he suspected was human flesh in a pot.
"where are you from, Elsa?"
"Old country!"
"But which old country?"
"No, that the name, Old Country!"




-Suddenly, out of nowhere, a Minotaur teleports in, swearing obscenities, and attacks Bill!  He's in a dire spot, but Elsa helps him out with a well placed strike to the minotaur's head with a frying pan. This buys Bill exactly the amount of time he needs to abandon Elsa to her minotaur-based doom by teleporting away.

-He teleports to Highbay and quickly finds the rest of the gang. "You guys, someone wrote "bill was here" on my old armor, and it wasn't even me!"
"ARE YOU CERTAIN? YOU ARE A NARCISSIST!"

-Meanwhile, Ack'basha returns to the temple he'd made in town, only to find that it was occupied by a cult of a few dozen fanatical shaven-headed robe-wearing followers of his, chanting "Hare Ack'Basha, Hare Ack'basha!"

-"What should we do now, master Ack'basha"
"Well.. try to all the things you can to improve the city."
"We will, master! We'll fool them all!"

-Needing some weapons, Bill goes to the local "Weapon & LSD Emporium".  Noting he lacks any cash, he just charms the proprietor.  He then realizes he needs some food, so he gets the now-charmed businessman to make him dinner. Unfortunately, the roast was laced with LSD (not for any special reason, just because apparently that's what you do in Highbay when you have a guest over for supper).

-"There is a certain logic to this plan, similar to the logic I use for finding Scriptural artifacts"
"Whatever you might say about Zeke, he really believes his bullshit. Not like Ack'basha!"

-That night, staying in three separate places, Ack'Basha, Chu, and Bill are all attacked by violent Minotaurs.  Bill's attacks when he's stoned out of his mind on LSD, so Bill channels his friend Bob Shoggoth. Bill will regain consciousness next morning to find that both the Minotaur and his host and much of his host's house and roof were torn to shreds by giant tentacles.

-Meanwhile Ack'basha is inside his temple, which is under a permanent Holy Sanctuary. The Minotaur can't come in to attack.  Instead he's forced to pace furiously outside the door shouting "Come at me, bro!!"





-Chu and Zeke Bodean manage to take out their minotaur attacker, with a bit of help from the owner of the Silver Moon Inn, where they were staying.  The innkeep's weirdness factor only increases by virtue of his owning a large blaster pistol behind his bar counter.

-Chu later goes to find Ack'Basha, only to realize the Minotaur is unable to attack BELIEVERS in Ack'Basha's temple, but he could attack unbelievers.  Luckily, Ack'Basha baptizes Chu; though not to save Chu, just to avoid getting a casting penalty the next day.

-Meanwhile, the furious Minotaur has stripped off his shirt. "I'm nearly naked now, but that just makes a fight more intense! Fuck you!!"

-The Minotaur is slain, and the PCs start trying to get some clues as to why the hell minotaurs keep teleporting in to attack them.
"That last Minotaur said he was from some place... some city.. I don't remember which he mentioned. Minotauria?"
"It wasn't Minotauria, you idiot, you just made that up!"

-The PCs continue to try to investigate the next day, only to have yet another Minotaur attack. This one charges Bill and gores him with his horns!
"Bill's got the higher ground now, guys!"
"...because he's suspended by the horns that ran through him."

-"My friends, my skills as a scriptural archeologist lead me to think that these minotaur attacks are the work of powers of evil!"
"Dude, like half this party could be called 'powers of evil'."

-BOLT-O has done some research in his alchemical tower, and tells the PCs that these crazy minotaur attacks may be related to an ancient ritual called the "Sacrifice of 1000 Minotaurs".  Some wizard is teleporting the minotaurs in for the PCs to kill, and if he gets them to kill 1000 of them he'll become immortal.
"wait.. at 3xp per minotaur, that's like 3000xp!"
"So... you're saying we actually want in on this?"

-Suddenly, another minotaur attacks!
"Whoops, it's Minotaur-o'clock, you guys!"




-This time, there's a second minotaur, a she-minotaur wearing a bikini-chain-mail around her udders.
"I was going to ask if female minotaurs are hot, but that description pretty well made it obvious they're not"
"Well, unless you're a fucking furry."

-The She-Minotaur takes out Ack'basha with a vicious attack!





-"Holy shit, she dropped Ack'basha! Bill, you got to spellburn!"
"I have nothing left to spellburn, dude! Look at my stats, I'm a fucking amoeba!"

-Even so, Bill tries to do his Sequester spell, but the end result is just an enraged minotaur that crosses the fire trap and keeps attacking.
"Great, now the minotaur is on fire! You only made it worse!"

-Finally, an incredibly fortunate roll on a Choking Cloud spell drops the minotaur attack. Ack'basha makes his luck roll and turns out to be still alive.

-The party carries on with its investigations, but wants to restock on equipment, so they go back to the house of the merchant that Bill had charmed and accidentally got killed in an LSD-and-Lovecraftian-Monstrosity-fueled craze the previous night.  Bodean bets that Ack'basha, who isn't present, would never approve of robbing the possessions of a dead man.
"You really don't know Ack'basha, do you?"

-When they get around to telling Ack'basha:
"So?"
Bill: "yeah, its not like we killed him or something"
Bodean: "You LITERALLY DID!"
"Sure, but that doesn't count"

-"So Sezrekhan won't help us figure out which wizard is sending the minotaur against us?"
"He's not interested."
"Does he no longer care whether you live or die?"
"I'm pretty sure he never did!"

-"Well, my friend, you could still renounce your daemonic master and come back to the Lord. G.O.D. forgives all things!"
"BOLT-0 NOTES THAT RECENT EVIDENCE ABSOLUTELY DOES NOT SUPPORT THAT CLAIM!"

-"So we're just going to rest up a few days and then go to the Dread Fort like before? And totally ignore the problem with the minotaurs? That's a horrible plan!"
"Yeah, well, I'm a horrible person."

That was all for this session. Having resolved nothing, and with much of the party having almost died, the PCs just decided the mystery of who was sending the minotaurs after them was just too damn hard to solve, so they're just going to keep killing minotaurs as they go along, and carry on with the plan of milking the Dread Fort for all they can steal, before Sandy's warrior legions figure out she's dead.

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DCC Campaign Log
« Reply #65 on: May 16, 2017, 02:36:55 AM »
DCC Campaign Update: What we Need to go get are Some Cows in Heat


Today's adventure began with the PCs still in Highbay, still encountering apparently random attacks of Minotaurs from an unknown wizard, and planning not so much on how to deal with it but on whether they want to deal with it or just use this to farm XP.

Now:

-"Is there a body of water in this town?"
"Well, it is called HighBAY"

-"I'm not under threat from these attacks, but I'm going stand with the rest of you guys."
"...for the XP, right?"
"Yeah"

-Sezrekhan interrupts Bill the Elf's spellcasting to tell him that he must immediately go into the badlands to recover an ultra-powerful book of magic known as the "Libram of the Ten Spheres". Whoever has it in their possession, and can survive its super-dangerous ark-of-the-covenant-style effects, can use it to reach any of the higher planes, including the Crown of Creation. Just to make sure Bill doesn't fuck around, Sezrekhan puts him under a Geas.

-"My friends, this book sounds to me like it was a daemonic book of evil!"
"Oh shit, it's this asshole again! I forgot we still had Zeke Bodean with us!"

-"I hit Zeke with my staff"
"Does your staff do something special, like Bill's Primo Staff?"
"No"
"So.. you're just violently beating him?"
"Yup."

-"We could go get this book, but for G.O.D. instead of Sezrekhan!"
"G.O.D. is pretty much under Nikos' control right now."
"He pretty much IS Nikos right now!"
"Yes, but when I says G.O.D. I actually mean us. You know, for G.O.D."
"Right, and when he says 'us', he really means himself. You know, FOR 'us'"

-"Whoops, it's Minotaur-o-Clock again!"
"Let's go kill it..."
"Right you are guys. I'll just be right here in the corner absorbing XP."




-"You did not hit Chu."
"Chu did not hit?"
"Fuck chu! Fuck Chu all!"
"Are Chu done yet?"

-At this point, Chu the Warrior has become a truly bizarre hybrid between a certain idiotic regressive leftist, and a certain cast member from The Community.




-Trying to be helpful in the fight against the latest Minotaur, the Fishman tries to cast like five spells in a row, failing at all of them. Finally, he succeeds at Spider Climb, which he uses to scurry onto the ceiling.  Once the battle is over, Ack'basha grabs a broom to swat him back down.

-"Here, my followers, use this statuette of Bill the Elf, put it in the far corner as a symbol of pure evil. On every holy day throw stones at the statue."
"Hey! I'm right here!"
"Yeah, Ack'basha. I'm not entirely sure but there's a slight chance Bill might have real feelings, and if so, that was potentially mean."
"Come on, it's funny!"
"Well, yeah, it is funny!"

-The next day the Fishman heads off in search of some armor to buy, and find someone he can sell a bag of heroin that had come into his possession.  He gets the former going easily enough, but for the latter he's directed to a place called 'the factory', over on 5th and Gygax St.




-Once there, he finds that its a warehouse converted into a weird nightclub full of demented freaks. Lots of people dressed in black, strange music and lights, a whole series of technicolor prints of a portrait of BOLT-0 on one wall.








-The whole thing is run by a guy called 'the director', who is surrounded by fawning degenerate sycophants. He immediately agrees to buy the heroin if the Fishman will pose bare-chested for a black and white short film.
"Oh you're absolutely hideous! It's really fantastic"




-"Ok... I'm getting out of this weird weird place and will never speak of this again."




-When the party meets up with BOLT-0 to learn more about the Libram of the Ten Spheres, they find out that it apparently originated from the sunken lost city of Atlantida.
(the joke being that "Atlantida" is a coastal town here in Uruguay)




-"QUERY: ARE YOU SEEKING THIS BOOK FOR SEZREKHAN OUT OF LOYALTY TO HIM, OR BECAUSE HE HAS FUCKED YOU UP IN SOME WAY?"
"When was it ever the first??"
"Dude, you get that you're basically his abused spouse at this point?"
"Yeah, but you don't know the whole story... I've done bad things too, it's not his fault, I deserve it!"

-"We want to have the book to contact G.O.D.!"
"BOLT-0 THINKS THAT IS ALSO A STUPID IDEA"
"What we should do is destroy it!"
"BOLT-O THINKS WE SHOULDN'T BE HASTY ABOUT THAT EITHER!"
"I suppose you think we should give the book to you?"
"BOLT-0 WOULD BE WILLING TO HOLD THE BOOK FOR SAFEKEEPING"
"Wait, would you even be able to read it?"
"BOLT-0 IS NOT SURE BUT BOLT-0 WOULD DAMN WELL TRY"

-"Ok, you guys, I have a plan to deal with the Minotaur issue.  What we need to do is go get some cows in heat.."
"MINOTAURS ARE NOT SEXUALLY ATTRACTED TO COWS"

-"Um... Bolt-0.. I went to this.. place, it had pictures of you on the wall. It was full of really weird people. What do you have to do with them?"
"WEIRD PEOPLE COULD REFER TO ANY NUMBER OF BOLT-O'S ASSOCIATES"
"Well, like.. there was this lizard guy with a beret and a cigarette holder.. and an obese gold mutant who'd painted his skin silver..."
"THIS COULD STILL REFER TO ANY NUMBER OF BOLT-O'S ASSOCIATES"

-The team decides that to deal with the daily minotaur attacks during their trip to the badlands, they're going to get some supplies.
"No, there are no such thing as 'Armored Carts'".




-They settle for attaching a bunch of spears to a cart, and decide to hire some mercenaries. Eventually, they get a bunch of Dutch Crossbowmen for some reason.
"Ya, we are Dutch crossbowmen.. isn't that weird?"




-On the trip, they of course encounter a number of Minotaur attacks. Plus one very confused Ogre who seemed to have been teleported by accident. The Ogre, unlike the Minotaurs, is not enraged or interested in attacking the PCs.
"Look, I just want to get back to my wife and kids. We were all vacationing together."
"Out of curiosity, was it in a Minotaur city?"
"Yes."
"Minotauria?!"
"THAT IS NOT A REAL PLACE!"

-They consider inviting the Ogre to join them, but when he realizes who they actually are, he runs like hell.

-"So are you guys just going to sleep through the night and let the mercenaries stand guard?"
"Well, inasmuch as possible given how many Dutch people are around"

-"Bill the Elf is taking a personal interest in making sure things are weird enough for the Dutchmen!"

-To everyone's surprise, the spear-lined cart works on at least one minotaur, who charges right at the cart and ends up impaling himself.


That's where we stopped for the night; the PCs are just about where Sezrekhan said they had to go, and are ready to try to find the Libram of the Ten Spheres.  As usual, just about everyone in the party has their own competing agenda about why they want it and how they plan to double-cross everyone else to get it.  We'll see how it goes down. Probably hilariously.

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DCC Campaign Log
« Reply #66 on: June 17, 2017, 01:15:47 PM »
DCC Campaign Update:It's Gotten Too Weird for the Dutchmen


As of our last adventure, the PCs were heading deep into the badlands, in search of a legendary magical artifact known as the Libram of the 10 spheres.  This book had the power to open access to any of the higher planes, including the Crown of Creation where (it is assumed) G.O.D. is being kept in seclusion by the insane wizard/daemon Nikos.  They were told about this by the daemon Sezrekhan, who has geased Bill the Elf into finding it, but of course both Ack'Basha the Cleric and BOLT-0 the robot want it for themselves.

So the PCs have made it to about a day away from the supposed location of the Libram; together with BOLT-0, Zeke Bodean the Scriptural Archeologist, 9 Dutch Crossbowmen, and a handful of zombies created by Ack'Basha.

Now:

-Bill the Elf wakes up and goes around the corner to take a wee; the rest of the PCs hear weird TARDIS sounds and when they check it out he's vanished.

-"The Part of Bill the Elf will be played tonight by Sir Not-Appearing-in-this-Film"





-Bill the Elf is away vacationing in Switzerland; no doubt this will go over very well with Sezrekhan.

-"What happened?"
"Bill went out to pee."
"But where is he?"
"We could ask Swengi.. he might know because he likes to watch all of you while you pee, isn't that weird?"




-"Where were we going again? Minotauria?"
"MINOTAURIA IS NOT A REAL PLACE! IT DOES NOT EXIST!"
"Hey, it's a big world, I can dream can't I?"

-"Now with Bill missing, this is the perfect time to get the Libram!"
"BOLT-0 AGREES WITH ACK'BASHA! THOUGH BOLT-0 FINDS AGREEING WITH ACK'BASHA SLIGHTLY DISTURBING!"

-Suddenly there's a flash of light, and an enraged minotaur appears, reminding the PCs that they're still suffering from mysterious minotaur attacks.
"Hey guys, it's minotaur time!"

-"I cast Ekim's Mystical Mask"
"Why?! Why would anyone ever do that??"

-"The Minotaur attacks Chu"
"Chu are being attacked!"
"It'll probably keep attacking Chu..."

-The minotaur defeated, the PCs continue along the badlands, making their way up a ridge, where they run into a goblin scouting party.
They quickly dispatch the cowardly humanoids, and loot the bodies.
"I have found a Tablet, no doubt it was sent by G.O.D. and will prove useful to our quest, my friends"
"You really aren't very familiar with G.O.D., are you Zeke?"
"BOLT-O DOES BELIEVE THE TABLET IS MORE LIKELY TO PROVE USEFUL IN THE FUTURE THAN ZEKE BODEAN"

-"There's a lot of goblins up here.."
"Sure, but Ack'basha committed genocide on a whole town of goblins the last time we were in these parts"
"Yeah.. those were good times."

-Just as the PCs find the main goblin tribe, and have almost 300 goblins rushing at them, they see a flash of light and have 2 furious minotaurs attacking them from the other side!

-Zeke manages to drop one of the minotaurs with a lucky crossbow bolt!
"I hit! G.O.D. did that! If I had missed it would have been my own fault, of course"




-the goblins are dispatched when Ack'basha uses Divine Aid to make one of the minotaurs highly explosive and send it charging at the goblin horde.

-The second minotaur gets stopped by Ack'basha's Lotus Gaze, and is now the cleric's enchanted slave.
"So now Ack'basha not only has zombies, he has a Hypnotaur."

-The deceased minotaur was a somewhat unusual specimen; he was dressed in a lab coat, and had an ID badge identifying him as "Dr. Jim Minotaur" from the Tholos General Hospital.




-The PCs step through a hallucinatory terrain effect, and end up right in front of a semi-ruined tower, with a distinctive blue color they'd only seen before in the Azure order.
"BOLT-0 THEORIZES THIS MAY HAVE BEEN CREATED AND HIDDEN BY THE AZURE ORDER IN ORDER TO KEEP THE LIBRAM OUT OF THE WRONG HANDS"
"fuck them, then!"
"YES, FUCK THEM!"

-Chu to Ack'Basha: "Is it really a good idea to let Bolt-0 have the book?"
"I'm not planning to let Bolt-0 have the book."
Chu to Bolt-0: "Is it really a good idea to let Ack'basha have the book??"
"I'M NOT PLANNING TO LET ACK'BASHA HAVE THE BOOK... I WAS INTENDING TO WHISPER BUT CANNOT CONTROL THE VOLUME OF MY VOICE, ALL BUT CHU SHOULD IGNORE WHAT I JUST SAID!"

-The Fishman goes for a swim in the lake. He's fine, and finds nothing dangerous inside, but gets a very strange sort of electric feeling as he swims through it.
"you guys, there's something really weird about that lake"
"What, like Dutch-weird?"
"...yes, actually."




-a Detect Magic spell is of little use, when it shows that the entire tower and the entire lake are magical.

-Second Sight also reveals that the Libram both is and is not inside the tower.

-The PCs become magical too, as they start going into the tower, but then some become unmagical when they go the wrong way, revealing that there seems to be a kind of code to making one's way through the tower.

-The tower is also infested by giant seagulls and giant fruit flies, which prove to be a bit of a problem, combined with another Minotaur manifestation.

-"I'm going to cast Ekim's Mystical Mask... stop laughing at me!!"
"I never thought we'd think back fondly at Ropework as being a competent wizard..."

-"Do not encourage the dutchmen! We have enough problems as it is!"

-"I'm going to cast Enlarge on Ack'basha... so he's a bigger target"

-"It is nice to have a non-Bill wizard around.."
"Yeah, it'll be great when we find one."
"Oh snap!"

-Moving deeper into the tower, the PCs start to realize it is full of twisted dimensional pockets and weird effects.  But nothing as weird as when they find a group of Water Weirds in a weird fountain.




-The Dutchmen are starting to think that this tower may be a bit too weird, even for them.

-As if the nearly-indestructible Water Weirds aren't bad enough, another minotaur pops in!


-Dutchmen are drowning in droves, and the rest of the party is freaking out. All except the fishman, who realizes that the Weirds are only able to do drowning damage, which he's immune to.

-Chu decides it's time to run away. Or rather, walk away, leaving the party to their doom.  But he changes his mind and comes back when he hears BOLT-0 is taking massive damage at the hands of the minotaur!
"What do you know? It turns out BOLT-0 is the one guy in the party I give a fuck about... I'm as shocked as anyone!"

-Zeke gets caught by a Water Weird, and is starting to drown!
Fishman: "Please.. oh please..."
But he escapes it's clutches! "Praise G.O.D.! He has saved me again!"
Fishman: "Son of a bitch!"




-Chu comes back, but too late! He arrives just in time to see BOLT-0 viciously struck down!

-The party finally kills the minotaur, and banishes the last of the water weirds, but are shocked to find that BOLT-0 appears to have been damaged beyond repair by the minotaur's attack.

-Suddenly, a light floods the room from the tower window, and the PCs hear the strange TARDIS-like sounds again.  The next thing they know, they are all (including Zeke and BOLT-0's robot-corpse, but not including the Dutchmen or Ack'basha's zombies) on board a strange high-tech ship, being greated by a small t-rex in a top hat!
"It's the Time Dinosaurs!"




-For reasons unknown (because the time dinosaurs can't speak Common, only make dinosaur noises) they are taking the entire group through time, and when the dinosaur time vessel emerges from the dinosaur time-stream, they find themselves in the middle of a titanic battle between an army of horrific monstrosities on one side, and guys in ultra-advanced power armor on the other.  The PCs realize that for whatever reason, the Time Dinosaurs have sent them back in time, to the era of the Pythian Knights!





And on that bombshell, we leave you for this session.  Stay tuned in a couple of weeks to find out what happens.

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DCC Campaign Log
« Reply #67 on: June 25, 2017, 01:19:44 AM »
DCC Campaign Update: Unnecessarily Complicated Origin Stories


So, in our last adventure, the PCs had just been kidnapped by the Time Dinosaurs, who apparently took them back thousands of years to the early years of the great disaster, where they were observers of a catastrophic battle between the heroic (but asshole-ish) Pythian Knights and hordes of tentacled monstrosities in the service of the Dark Ones.

Oh, and BOLT-0 had been destroyed, and Bill the Elf was still frozen in carbonite.

Now:

-"You guys realize that this is a universe where the religious fundamentalist is the least shitty guy it the room?"

-"Outside the time-ship there are flying fortresses, mechas and power armored elves, fighting demons and giant monsters... it looks like something out of a Palladium setting!"


-Before sending them out on their mission, the Time Dinosaurs hold a church service. Apparently they're very religious, but in a Church of England kind of way (all fancy dressed and mumbling dinosaur hymns at a half-sleeping dinosaur vicar).


-The Time Dinosaurs try to explain to the PCs their extremely complex mission in this time period, but since they can't speak Common that proves very difficult.  Trying to play charades with their tiny arms is at best partially helpful.




-Eventually giving up on explaining any further, the Time Dinosaurs give the PCs a box with a big red button that the PCs figure is to teleport them back in an emergency, and dump them right in the middle of the demon-army/mecha-elf battlefield.




-"We've got to make a run for those fortresses!"
"Fishman, I want you to know, in case I don't make it.. I love you like a brother!"
"And I want you to know, Zeke... I would be so fucking happy if you died!"

-Evading missiles and arcane bolts, the PCs are heading toward what look like some kind of elven fortresses, but get intercepted by some ground troops using hover-tanks that transform into giant robots.
"of course they do... do they make the 'transformer' sound when they change?"
"...yes."




-"Where the hell did you come from?!"
"we have been sent by G.O.D. my friend.. well, by G.O.D. and Dinosaurs!"

-(in elven) "Don't move or we'll disintegrate you!"
"What are they saying?"
"Zeke, quick, run as fast as you can!!"

-Scriptural Archaeologist Zeke Bodean falls for the Fishman's trick and starts running.  The Mecha-tanks fire at him as he flees, but he manages to zag out of the way.
"Should we hunt him down and kill him, sir?"
"...please... please..."
"No, leave him. He can't possibly survive out there anyways"
"God damnit!!"

-The PCs learn they have been captured by the Badass Elves, a race of elves they've never heard of, who all look and act like cool anime elves with high-tech weapons and armor.

-"These two must be mutated humans. We'd heard of such things happening."
"Yes, we are"
"Kill them!"

-The PCs manage to convince the Badass Elves to momentarily not kill the non-humans of their party, and even have them accepting their story about being from the distant future.
"I mean look at them! They MUST come from some horrible future where there are no elves left to tell them what to do!"

-"Seriously, I think we should just kill those two; they can't possibly want to live like this"
"Yes we do!!"

-"We must take these prisoners to Sky Base 1"
"We're more guests than prisoners, really"
"No, you're prisoners."

-Sent up to the Pythian Elves' Sky Base 1, they meet Sir Constantine, the Tolkien-movie-like beardo-elf commander of the valiant but super-arrogant Pythian Knights.
"Can you give me one good reason why I should let these abominations live, human?"
"Well, it's really hard to find good help in the future!"

-"So in your future, have the elves all been wiped out?"
"No, there's still a few, but they're mostly assholes... so, much like today".

-"Sir, the Dwarven units on our left ground flank have been wiped out... by a Shoggoth!"
"We have nothing that can defeat it."
"...Have you got any drugs?"





-While the Pythian elves fight the Shoggoth, the 'abomination' Fishman and Chu are put in a holding cell.
"While we're in jail, have you got any games we can play?"
"What about Cards Against Humanity?"
"We're two mutants on trial for our lives as mutants. I don't think that playing Cards Against HUMANITY would really send the right message just now."
"No, no, you misheard, I meant Cards Against CHUmanity!"




-Meanwhile, Ack'Basha finds out that in the distant past, apparently people didn't know the logical way of ordering things, like by nose-size.

-He also finds out that the Hipster Elves don't exist yet, but there were 'Art Elves', who he suspects were their less lame ancestors.

-"You know, we're going to kill you, monsters!"
"Dude, you died long before we were even born!"
"Yeah, we win by default! Suck on that!"




-In spite of the modified weed-bomb actually driving away the Shoggoth (future Bob?) in a drug-filled haze, Sir Constantine decides that they're going to drop the "nova bomb" anyways, to wipe out as much of the Dark-One forces they can in order to buy time.  The Nova Bomb will disintegrate everything in a 1000 mile radius, turning the whole area into a "Dust Sea".  Sir Constantine explains that this will give them the room they need to complete construction of their great 'secret weapon': The Pythian Living Mecha, a 100ft tall artificial-intelligence war-machine robot that they hope will lay waste to the hordes of the Dark Ones.




-Sick of it all, especially the Elves, the PCs decide to press the Time Dinosaur box with a big red button, and they are instantly teleported back onto the Time Dinosaur vessel.  Even Zeke Bodean, who miraculous survived the battlefront by using his skills as a Scriptural Archeologist to find what he thinks is the silver cape of the prophet Jebodachiah, though in fact it's more likely a Pythian MDC Cloak.

-The time dinosaurs start flying through time again, and the Time Dinosaur captain starts giving them incomprehensible mission instructions again.
"WAIT! Do you not get that we don't understand a word you're saying? None of us speak Dinosaur! Let me cast Comprehend Languages.... aw fuck, I failed and can't cast it again for the day.."
"You had ONE job..."

-The PCs are dropped off some two thousand years after their last stop, which is still around eight thousand years in the past for them.  They find out that they're in the cold north, where there is a mighty (and likely losing) war looming between the minuscule forces of the human and mutant races, against the much larger demonic army of the Daemon Zzaszz, who threatens to conquer everything in his path.  They run into a band of adventurers, which includes a sexy human wizardess named Arkaea (with a cool staff that turns into a huge snake), a very much not yet dead (and possibly not yet a Chaos Lord) Borquist, a Science Elf named Fred, and a gruff greek-accented warrior named... Nikos. Nikos insists that he's a perfectly ordinary warrior and definitely not a wizard. Nikos is also very obviously bad at lying.

-The PCs figure that whatever the time dinosaurs sent them here for might have to do with Fred, who has a cart full of old science artifacts back at the camp.  In order to be allowed to join them, the PCs are required to pay Borquist a bribe.  The Fishman tries to fulfill this demand with the "Ancient Artifact" he carries on his person, but Fred thwarts that by using his science knowledge to point out that it's just a common drill.
"Well, a drill could kill someone!"
"Not good enough, mate."

-Ack'basha finally covers the bribe with a bag full of Smithplium pieces.
"What the fuck are these? What am I supposed to do with them?? They're bloody GREEN!"
"Trust me, they'll be worth a lot in a few thousand years."
"...I guess they'll do then"

-"Nikos is obviously THAT Nikos, right?"
"Duh"

-When the PCs get to the other party's camp, they find it under attack by a gang of feral halflings in the service of Zzaszz!  They've already murdered Pepito, the last member of Borquist's group, and are threatening the very cart of technological goodies the PCs think they're here to get to!
"Pepito! Nooo, not Pepito!"


-"You see? I am Nikos, totally a normal human warrior and obviously mortal!"

-"Wow, Chu is very good at pretending to be warrior! Nikos could learn thing or two from Chu!"

-The halflings being driven away, Borquist mourns Pepito's death by looting his corpse and robbing his sombrero.

-The PCs get into Fred's cart, and find that he has the brain of the Pythian Living Mecha.  It turns out that the Pythian Knights did end up building the mecha, and it was instrumental in turning the war around, until it was destroyed in the final apocalyptic battle between the Knights and the Shoggoth hordes.  The war ended in stalemate with both forces largely destroyed.

-It also turns out that Fred is building his own combat robot, which he's going to put the brain into, a war machine to fight Zzaszz, which he's naming Blastr-0.  He really has high hopes that he'll be able to use his invention to help make the world a better place.  The PCs generally agree that Fred is a hopelessly naive idiot and will probably die soon.




-That night, the PCs help the other party keep watch, while they wait for Fred to copy the schematics of the Living Mecha brain, which they assume is what the Time Dinosaurs sent them here to get.

-Chu inadvertently tells Nikos pretty much everything. Including how future Nikos set everyone up to enter the Crown of Creation and kidnap G.O.D.
"Really?  Nikos did this? It sound like really good idea! Nikos would never thought of that by himself, my friend!"
"oh fuck."

-Zeke Bodean gets up in the night and really wants to talk to Chu away from Nikos.
"I have to go to the bathroom. Chu, don't y'all think you want to go to the bathroom with me?"
"Sure, because it's totally not suspicious for two men to go to the bathroom together. In the future men do that all the time."
"That's right. We do that all the time... in a totally non-sinful way mind you!"

-Once they're alone, Zeke reveals that he "strongly suspects" Nikos might be THAT Nikos.
"Seriously? You brought me here for that??"

-Zeke also thinks "G.O.D. is acting through the Time Dinosaurs" to bring them to this place and kill Nikos before he gets to kidnap G.O.D. thousands of years from now.

-"Ack'basha is a cleric."
"Clerics are holy men"
"My heart wants to say that, but at the same time all my experiences of Ack'basha are making it pretty hard."

-"Friend, I believe in G.O.D., so I don't trust my mind very often!"

-Zeke decides to ignore the others' advice, and confronts Nikos publicly, but Nikos doesn't really give a crap and the other NPCs don't believe him anyway.

-The PCs are pretty sure this whole party is doomed in their upcoming battle with Zzaszz, but they can't convince any of its members to turn back.  So finally, they give up and press the button to send them back to the Time Dinosaurs.  The Dinosaurs then send them forward in time again.

-This time the Comprehend Languages spell goes off, but only right at the end of the explanation of the mission, and the Dinosaurs teleport them before the Fishman wizard can demand the Dinosaur repeat himself.

-They end up on a fairly desolate small floating island; still sometime in their distant past, but further into the future than their last two trips. There's a single solitary factory-building on the island, so they head over there and ring the doorbell.

-Through the intercom: "Hello? Who's out there?"
"My name's Chu, you may know me? I'm pretty important!"
"..Yes! I DO know you!!"
Cue the entire party almost fainting with shock at the first time ever in the campaign that anyone actually did know Chu.

-It turns out to not be as impressive an accomplishment as Chu would have hoped, because the voice on the other side of the intercom is Fred the Science Elf, several hundred years older than the last time they saw him, a few minutes ago!

-Fred tells them about how in their fight with Zzaszz, Borquist betrayed them all in exchange for gaining Immortality from the Lords of Chaos, Arkaea the wizardess got fused to her snake (turning into the Snake Witch), Nikos just fucked off, and Blastr-0 was destroyed, though not before injuring Zzaszz enough that his forces' effort to conquer the whole northern continent was halted.  Fred has since retired from the surface world, and has lived out a quiet existence on this floating island, still hoping to make a difference in the world but no longer optimistic about his chances.

-Fred has converted part of the abandoned elven factory into a lab, and he reveals to the PCs that he managed to rescue the artificial-brain of the Pythian Living Mecha; he has hopes to use it to construct another super-robot, but notes that it was altered by chaos energies in the epic battle with Zzaszz. It no longer functions in the same logical structure as a normal robot brain should, and he's reluctant to finish his super-robot until he can figure out a way to return the brain to its normal parameters.

-Suddenly, there's an earthquake as the whole island shudders; the PCs have to make reflex saving throws, and the fishman is nearly killed by a falling object. Ironically, it's a common drill.

-"Fortunately, Zeke Bodean manages to just barely dodge out of the way of an industrial buzzsaw!"
"Son of a bitch!!"

-The floating island is falling out of the sky!  From the observatory, Fred determines that it's being pulled down by an ancient tractor beam from the surface,  being manned by a group of feral halfling raiders, who appear to have been pulling this stunt for some time now.
"More fucking halflings?"

-Ack'basha uses divine aid to pull down a divine bolt of lightning to disintegrate the entire tractor beam (having rolled a critical)!  However, the island has lost too much altitude at that point and is still falling. To make things worse, while the PCs were outside summoning up the divine wrath, a landslide destroys the factory complex, with Fred the Science-Elf still inside.

-The PCs try to find Fred, hoping he's still alive; the Fishman reluctantly realizes that just maybe, Zeke's skill as a 'scriptural archeologist' might come in handy.
"I can't believe I'm saying this... Zeke, I need your help."
"My friend, I've been waiting a long time to hear that! I'll be happy to help you in any way I can, because I love you like a brother."
"I despise you with every fiber of my being."

-The PCs see something similar to an escape pod abandoning the island, it seems to be moving too fast to be for a human occupant, and theorize that Fred might have been trying to save the Living Mecha's artificial brain.

-Zeke somehow manages to find Fred, but he's buried under rubble, and clearly dead. But they find a message he left on a recording device, where he explains that he did indeed jettison the brain, to save it from destruction or from falling into the wrong hands. And he explains that to protect it, he put it inside the body... of a simple bolt-tightening robot!




-"Oh for fuck's sake! I lost 1 point of Intelligence for this??!"
"You're not the only one who suffered. I had to give away 33 smithplium pieces!"

-They return to the Time Dinosaurs, who are transporting them back to their own time. But the Fishman just has to know: it's obvious the Time Dinosaurs did all this to be able to repair Bolt-0, but why do they give a fuck?
The Time Dinosaur leads them to a museum-like room on their ship, a monument to the founder or great leader of the Time Dinosaurs in the distant future: Bolt-0!

-With a half-dozen or so of the mysteries of the campaign resolved in one fell session, the Time Dinosaurs drop off the PCs in the present.. but not where they picked them up.  Instead, they find themselves in front of a Minotaur Underwear Factory.

-"After all this, they didn't even drop Bolt-0 off with us! They took off with him!"
"Well, maybe they need time to fix him?"
"But.."
"I KNOW! I KNOW! Just don't fucking question it!"





That's it for this section.  Next time:  will the PCs finally get to the bottom of what's causing the killer Minotaur attacks? Stay tuned!

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DCC Campaign Log
« Reply #68 on: July 22, 2017, 12:41:00 AM »
DCC Campaign Update: The Chicken is now Third-Most-Useful Member of This Party


As of the end of the previous session, the PCs had been teleported by the Time Dinosaurs to the outskirts of the Tholian Underwear Factory, the location that held the secrets to the insane random-minotaur-attacks they'd been suffering for some time now.



(the evil underwear factory)


The Factory itself is on the outskirts of Thelos, the capital city of Tholia, an empire ruled by Minotaurs. The PCs noted to their surprise that this was a fairly advanced civilization, with signs of an early-20th-century tech level.  They would soon learn that humans and other non-minotaurs were, at best, treated like second-class citizens, if not as outright slaves.



Now:

-"We're missing all our magic-users"
"Ack'basha's a cleric; that's like a magic user with extra judgmentalism!"

-Suddenly, the skies part and a beam of light descends. And teleporting in: a chicken!

-"Seriously, a chicken now?"

-The chicken turns out to be a magical Messenger Chicken:
"BCKAW! I come bearing a message for the mighty wizards!"
"which ones?"
"BCKAW! The one named Bill the Elf, and the Fishman wizard, and the one known as Ropework"
"So... 'mighty' is relative, huh?"

-The message is from the "High Council of Wizards" inviting the PC wizards to the 'grand conclave'... but none of the party's wizards are there to receive it.
"You're going to stay with us until you deliver the message?"
"I will have to - BCKAW"
"I'm already regretting it, you're very annoying!"
"I was created for this!"
"To be annoying?"
"NO! BCKAW! To deliver the message"

-"Maybe we should just eat him?"
"BCKAW!! I'll warn you - this chicken was created with defense mechanisms!"

-Just then, a vehicle is spotted coming up the hill.  The PCs note it is guarded by a minotaur and looks like it might be some kind of transport, or a prison truck.

-Ack'basha stands in the middle of the road, forcing the truck to stop, and after a very brief effort to pull off a bluff, the PCs just say 'screw it' and take out the Minotaur guard.

-Zeke Bodean is hit with a rifle shot, but miraculously survives!

-The truck has three prisoners on board: a human bandit, a human candy-maker, and a halfling marine.  It turns out they were all prisoners of the Tholian empire, being sent to the factory for reasons unknown (though they suspected it was for nothing good).

-The three newbie prisoners are assumed to be new party members, as everyone knows cannon fodder comes in threes.
"Join us! Together, we will save the world many times, usually after fucking it up in the first place!"

-The prisoners do know that the factory is run by a mutant wizard who is part of the Minotaur emperor's trusted inner circle, a magic-user by the name of Pertinax. The PCs suppose he's the one behind the random minotaur attacks they've been suffering all this time.

-the chicken confirms that Pertinax had also been invited to the Grand Conclave.
"So he's powerful?"
"I wouldn't say that proves anything; remember, the chicken said they invited Ropework too"

-Ack'basha has a plan that involves Animating the dead minotaur to help them sneak past the factory gate. Slight problem: the minotaur has multiple wounds, was set on fire, and fell down a 70ft drop.
"He doesn't look very good."
"Well, If someone asks, we tell them he got a bit scuffed fixing the truck!"
"He's charred to a husk!"
"Aw, fuck it, let's do it anyway."

-The gate is only manned remotely via intercom, which means that their insanely stupid plan looks like it might even work, only as they approach a foreman at the loading dock sees them and immediately realizes something is horribly wrong.

-The PCs block the gate with the truck and then run through the lobby of the Tholian Underwear Factory. The lobby has plush carpeting, bright garish colors, and features walls lined with posters of Minotaur underwear-models.




-"Don't move! This Halfling is a BOMB!"
(incredibly, that actually works; mostly because the way Halflings are in this campaign, it's certainly believable that they'd be suicide bombers)

-When they get past the front lobby and into the showroom, the Minotaur security guards are less credulous.
"That Minotaur is shooting at Chu!"
"NO. No! We're done with that! No more of the "Chu" puns!"




-the Candy-man takes a bullet and falls to the ground, his bag of candy breaking open and spilling all over, slowly mingling with his blood in a scene reminiscent of a tragic French art film.
"he's a pinata!"
"you had to ruin the moment..."
"eww, it's all sticky!"

-Ack'Basha creates an area of magical Darkness between them and the Minotaur security guards. The PCs can't see them, but they can hear the following:
"What do we do?"
"Bob, Jim, you guys run through!"
"You bet, it's my third day on the job and I'm ready for anything!"
"Yeah, and nothing is going to happen to me because I'm only two days from retirement!"




-Some of the PCs burst through into the administration area, where a terrified Minotaur secretary screams at their arrival.
"Don't be alarmed, miss! We mean you no harm!....well, I mean you no harm. This guy here might mean you harm. And there's a couple of us back there killing some security guards that will definitely mean you harm when they get here!"

-The PCs move on to another room, a huge room full of cubicles manned by a couple of dozen minotaurs in suits and ties.
"oh shit! It's the Human Jihad, bros!"

-"Stop being so intolerant at us! Humans are peace-loving!"
"Dude, we've already killed dozens of minotaurs.."

-The PCs run for it, taking the minotaur secretary as a hostage.
"Please don't kill me please! I have a cat!!"

-"BCKAW! My innate magic chicken-sense tells me that the Wizard is this way!"

-"Chicken, which way now??"
"For fuck's sake, this is what we've been reduced to... we're following a magic chicken."






-"Please please I don't want to die! I need to know how all my favorite TV shows end!!"
"These minotaurs have a very advanced civilization!"




-The wizard Pertinax turns out to be the first truly competent wizard-villain the PCs have ever faced. When they get to the board room where he was hiding, he's already magically camouflaged and proceeds to Magic Missile the living fuck out of the entire party.

-Everyone in the party is dropped to negative HP, except Zeke Bodean who is only knocked unconscious, again.  Incredibly, every single party member manages to make their luck check to avoid death.

-The PCs wake up, stripped of their items, chained up to a wall (Ack'basha is also gagged for good measure), and the wizard Pertinax proceeds to mockingly explain his overly complex ritual to attain immortality. He confirms, proudly, that he had been enchanting some of the Minotaur underwear produced at the factory and this was how the Minotaurs were being randomly teleported to the PCs, and geased to violently attack them. All with the idea that the PCs would slay these minotaurs, making them a sacrifice to gradually empower his rite. If the PCs ended up slaying 1000 of the minotaurs, the ritual would be complete and he would attain immortality!
"That... that's so fucking retarded!"

-"But now, I must decide what to do with you... if I let you go, you will seek revenge. But if I kill you, then Bill the Elf might come seeking to avenge your deaths."
(cue wails of BWAH HAH HAH HAH laughter from all the players)

-Initially, Pertinax decides to just kill the PCs. But then his Minotaur Vice-President of Operations, Winston Minotaur, suggests that Pertinax could still get at least a few more Minotaur-sacrifices off of them by setting them up in "some kind of Thunderdome situation".

-"Once I achieve Immortality, I will overthrow the Minotaur Emperor, end his peaceful policies and once more Minotaurkind will rampage over the lesser races!"
"So wait, you're rebels against the Emperor?"
"No, the rebels are the lesser races trying to overthrow the Emperor. We're reactionaries!"
"ohh."

-"My friend, my skills as a Scriptural Archeologist might be of use to you if you don't kill me."
"Trust me, they're not."

-"Maybe we could be of use to your Daemon patron?"
"The Daemon of Blood and Fire does not waste his time on proles!"
"What does he waste his time on?"
"Blood! And fire!"

-Just when things are looking grim, someone sabotages the underwear pressure sterilizer!
"It's the magic chicken! He's fucking rescuing us!!"
"Yeah, and look, he found a little Rambo-headband somewhere!"




-With the factory in chaos, the PCs get freed by the chicken and start to flee.
"You guys realize that the chicken is now the third-most useful member of this party, right?"
"Yeah, it's pretty sad."
"Hey, be grateful, that chicken saved your worthless lives!"

-Having managed to escape the factory before it explodes, the PCs realize that Pertinax almost certainly escaped.  Having found some material they think will reveal his treasonous plans, they decide to make their way through the hills toward the capital city, in the hopes of revealing all this to the Emperor himself. Not so much because its the good-guy thing to do, as because they really don't have any way to get out of here until they find their missing wizards.


That's it for today, stay tuned next time for more crazy DCC adventuring!

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DCC Campaign Log
« Reply #69 on: July 25, 2017, 11:29:14 PM »
You Know Your DCC Players Are REALLY Into Your Game When...
My players spend considerable amount of their time between DCC sessions, talking about their DCC sessions.

We have a little Facebook group, which was intended to serve as just a way to warn me or each other if someone couldn't come or would be late, or we had to change the starting time, or practical things like that.
But as the DCC campaign became more intense, and more insane, it became a place to talk about the DCC game.

So here is an archive of the the conversations in the last little while. Names have been changed to protect the incredibly guilty.  Enjoy!


Ropework:
Lets try to finish the quest so I can get my patron :'(

Pundit:
I'll be curious to see who you get.

Fishman:
The king of Elfland!

Chu:
Lord of Flesh, Obviously.
Or Alan Moore.

Ackbasha:
Yes

---

Bill:
15 more xp to lvl 7 ??

Fishman:
No man should have that much power!


Bill:
Said no man ever
Akbasha is almost 5 too
4 or 5?

Ackbasha:
5

Bill:
Akbasha y Bill genocidas extraordinair

Fishman:
it is at this point we abandon any semblance of being anything else than an evil party.
I mean, I don't know who we were trying to deceive.
But ourselves.
And not even that, in Ackbasha's case.
The only thing left is Ackbasha saying "I am become Death, the world-fucker"

----



Bill:
Hey guys, I can't make it this Sunday, got to take my brother to the airport, and it fall right in the middle of the afternoon



Fishman:
That sucks. Bill is the heart of the party. And by heart I mean balls.
But not in a "courage-y" way.


Bill:
And by balls you mean asshole


Fishman:
No, that's Ack'Basha.
And by Asshole I mean brains.
But mostly asshole.
But on the subject. If (Bill) can't make it, it might be a good idea to skip this one and wait for the next to resume. Still, my opinion, I'll do whatever the DM decides. The DM that is overworked, and would really benefit of a free day...


Bill:
Are you a DM union rep?

Fishman:
Let's just say I'm familiar with the plight of the DM.
We have been opressed for too long!


Chu:
I am ok with not doing it next time because, Right now Bill is our compass, Not our moral compass because that was lost long ago, but an actual compass to the place we were going to go.


----
Chu:
In the end we really needed looshas arcane might

Bill:
How many died?

Ackbasha:
Not enough
Considering the scriptural archeologist is alive

Chu:
One level 0, but we got our asses kicked

Fishman:
If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself, then.

Pundit:
At one point, EVERYONE in the group had to do a luck check to survive, except Zeke.  Zeke twice took exactly enough damage to leave him unconscious.

Bill:
Damn

Fishman:
My hate for him burns with the strength of a hundred suns.

-----


Bill:
I've spent the last day thinking how to get out of this mess, still no good plan
Not that the one before was anywhere close to genius


Chu:
I think this is the first time you think about a plan before being in it

Bill
Done it before, you can appreciate the failures
And if previous results are any indication of the infinite possibilities, then everyone is probably dead

Morris:
Jump off the building
What could possibly go wrong?

Bill:
Everything
If you take into account that Nikos might always be watching

Chu:
He isn't watching, he is probably still trying to force the command crew ancient into committing a G.O.D related mistake. Classic Nikos.

Fishman:
We have to pray for a miracle. And by we I mean the asshole who put us in this situation. Ack'basha.

Ackbasha:
You misspelled Bill

Bill:
Do you know his name

Morris:
Don't worry, the Fish-man will come with something

Chu:
Fishman might thing of a way out.
think*


Fishman:
The fishman hates you all and hopes you die suffering.

Chu:
Ah, Classic Fishman.

Bill:
Bill is your friend, he knows your name

Fishman:
Which is....

Bill:
PM

Morris:
Wait, he has a name?!

Chu:
Wasn't it Gandolfo?

Fishman:
1) It was Gadolfo.
2) No.


Bill:
Gandolfo is a boatswine
Bill has a shit plan that might work


Ackbasha:
Yes. Fishman the fisherman fishman.

Bill:
Now good night

Fishman:
Yeah, you better run!

Bill:
Why?
Bill knows your name
He is your friend

Ackbasha:
He is nobody's friend
Well. Bob's. As dangerous and adict as Bill.

Bill:
And Nikos
Maybe
In a strange way


Fishman:
I REALLY wouldn't count on that.

Pundit:
By "this mess", you mean Bill having betrayed the whole party's location?

Ackbasha:
That's a regular thursday for Bill.

Fishman:
Don't blame Bill for this mess. Frankly it's our fault.
We should have taken into account that Bill would fuck up everything and acted accordingly.

Ackbasha:
I did
that's why Akbasha allowed him to do it.

Fishman:
Like move to another secure location instead of waiting there.
But you WANTED for him to fuck everything up.
It doesn't count.

Ackbasha:
I just let him be.

Fishman:
So what you're saying it that everything is your fault?
I agree.

Ackbasha:
Yes, but in a simpsons kind of way. "It's your fault for not being here to stop me from being an idiot"

Fishman:


Los simpsons El coco esta en la casa

You read my mind.
So we all are on the same page then? All this is Ack'basha's fault?
The citizens of Minotauria clearly think so.



Pundit:
There is no minotauria!!

Fishman:
Of course there is.
it's in our hearts.

Bill:
At least I get to talk to Pertinax

Fishman:
I can't wait to see how you screw that up

Bill:
Can't be worst that the time I killed the last ancient

Fishman:
Those were simpler times.

Newbie:
I am still thinking the 'avoid the dungeons' policy has somehow blew on our face and will end with us precisely in a dungeon

Chu:
That is was the plan
Bill though otherwise.

Fishman:
We are overthinking this. We'll probably massacre the minotaur swat team and be done with it.

Chu:
Oh yeah
You mean, I will massacre the minotaur swat team with my working hand.

Fishman:
And by we, I mean Ack'basha and Chu.
So, yeah.

Bill:
I will have a serious talk with Pertinax and this will be solved
Said no Bill ever

Fishman:
Sezerkan's gonna be SO pissed.

Bill:
He always is
Good thing I rolled max when I did the patron bond

Fishman:
And that explains EVERYTHING.

Chu:
Well, that means you have a good chance of doing that again.

Bill:
Bill was still in the galley for 6 months
The true problem is that Bill, for some strange reason, keeps on sparing Akbasha's life



Fishman:
That's not a problem Ack'basha has.
Unfortunately, it doesn't work.

Ackbasha:
And that's the reason why Akbasha spares Bill's life. It just doesn't work... yet.


Bill:
So you say it's some kind of unconscious  survival safety

Ackbasha:
there is nothing unconscious about Akbasha.

Fishman:
Except when he's unconscious.

Bill:
God thing Bill has -1 intelligence

Ackbasha:
Bill just doesn't appreciate how much Ackbasha has done for him. He was willing to add "recover Bill's philactery" as a side quest in his now abandoned crusade.

Bill:
Or it could just be to control him

Ackbasha:
Nah, he doesn't need the philactery for that.

Bill:
Whoever has the philactery controls Bill

Ackbasha:
It doesn't seems to be doing Sezerkhan any good.
Bill cannot be controled.

Chu:
Eh you call what is happening right now as control by sezrekan, Bills gut instict controls bill

Fishman:
Not even by himself.

Bill:
He always says that, but he loves Bill like a crappy cat

Fishman:
You keep pushing, and he might end up putting the cat to sleep.
This quest for the Librum has the flavor of an ultimatum.

Bill:
Sez tells me not to make it about killing Ackbasha then sends me out with him to get a book he know Ackbasha is going to try to stop me from getting
I guess Bill geta the scheming skills from Sez

Fishman:
Or lack of.

Bill:
Tamato tomato




That's it for today.  The last bit above is also a little preview of the shit that went down in our last DCC adventure. There'll be a campaign update for that shortly.

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DCC Campaign Log
« Reply #70 on: July 29, 2017, 12:18:53 AM »
DCC Campaign Update: It's The Human People's Front!


In this week's session, the PCs started out lost in the woods outside of Thelos, the Tholian empire's capital.  First, we had to deal with a new player, and a couple of players who'd missed the last pair of sessions getting back into the game.

So:

-The new 0-levels are a Human collaborator (formerly serving the Minotaur ruling class of Tholia), a Dwarven Hoarder, and a Boat Swine.






-"Prioritizing the order of how much you want your 0-levels to survive is a weird game of fuck/marry/kill"
"Look at the poor fishman, he's almost level 2 and he's only got a ragged pair of trousers. He's led a rough life!"

-"The fucking 0-level hoarder got to start with more stuff than me!"

-"so one of your guys is a human collaborator... is he French?"
"not necessarily!"
"Dude, his equipment includes a 'huge bag of wine'!"




-"Bill the Elf can take many forms!"
"I'm like Jesus."
"No... that's what they say about the devil."

-"The thing you have to understand about the Fishman is that he's self-aware. One of a few people we've seen in this world who realize that they're actually just characters in an RPG"

-"My collaborator wants to collaborate with this Fishman."

-"Stop Chill Touching yourself!"
"If I keep having chill-touch misfires, will I go blind?"

-"in the first ten minutes of the game you lost two of your spells for the rest of the day, trying to cast them at a rock."

-"The last thing you remember was being on a cart with a bunch of dutchmen, heading toward Yeti Country. You stopped to take a piss, heard a TARDIS noise, and then everything went blank."
"How many times has that happened, huh?"

-The Dwarven Hoarder has a cow, and a ten-foot-pole. The Pole's name is Wojtek, and he takes care of the cow.

-The Magic Chicken detects the nearby presence of Bill the Elf, and also the Fish-man who's name escapes him.
"I have a name! Why doesn't anyone ever remember my name?? I'm more than just 'the fishman'!!"

-unfortunately, as the chicken rushes toward Bill to give his message, he passes Bill's "Sequester" barrier and explodes.

-"You blew up the chicken!!"
"Well, it looked quite menacing."


-"Loscha, I'm so glad to see you again!"
"You called me Loscha!"
"Oh, I'm sorry.. fishman! I'm so glad to see you again!"
"God damnit!"

-"So, now that we're all back together again, can we go get the Libram of the Ten Spheres?"
"Oh, you'd like that wouldn't you?"

-The PCs that toilet humor does not translate well into Minotaur culture.

-To prevent Bill from getting the Libram of the Ten Spheres, Ack'Basha betrays him by sending a covert message to the Azure Wizards while Bill is in a Sezrekhan-induced trance.

-Suddenly, a minotaur comes out of nowhere and attacks! This confirms that while the underwear factory has been destroyed, any minotaurs who still have the cursed underwear will continue to appear to attack them.




-"Zeke accidentally shoots Chu!"
"Chu got shot!"
"I thought we were done with this!"

-"Chu, it's Chure turn"
"No, that's going too far."

-The Minotaur slain, the fishman wants to eat him; but Ack'basha foils him by raising the minotaur-corpse as a zombie.




-"Are we just going to keep going and leave Bill in his trance in the forest??"
"I'm sure Bill can take care of himself."
"It's the forest I'm worried for!"

-"Bill really wants to get the Libram; Sezrekhan has cursed him with a geas that's going to get worse if he doesn't."
"And what do we do if he decides he doesn't want to see the Minotaur Emperor with us? I mean... he is our ride.."




-Ack'basha and Bill make an agreement, where Bill will help the party to expose Pertinax as a reactionary plotting against the Minotaur emperor, and then the whole party will immediately go with Bill to get the Libram.  Since they don't trust each other even a tiny bit, they draw up a contract. The Dwarf Hoarder acts as the notary.

-The deal has to specify that Ack'basha will not try to kill Bill.

-They accord to deal with the Minotaur problem first, possibly by genocide.  Bill especially favors the genocide option.

-"The Dwarf can manage our contract; dwarves are very good at contract law!"
"That's racist!"


-"so, basically, the next time Bill and Ack'basha try to take each other out, they're going to need lawyers?"

-"Remember the last time we tried to split up the party? Bill's group all died!"
"So did all of yours, Ack'basha."

-"Any time Ack'basha or anyone kills Bill, he comes back in a new body. He's had like five already."
"He's the closest thing this setting has to a fucking Time Lord!"

-That night, the party is attacked by six giant forest owls! They swoop in, swiftly killing both the cow and the Pole!




-They also drop the Dwarf and the (new) Boatswine very quickly
"Oh no! The owls have possibly killed the two people directly responsible for ruining my life!"

-Bill the Elf tries out his new spell, magic missile; unfortunately, it comes with a mercurial effect, causing him to slip into the ethereal plane for 1d6+1 rounds every time he casts it. While there, he's invisible and intangible, but also cannot affect anything in the material world.
"So, he's in the Neutral Zone?"

-The owls drop over half the party; ironically, only the human collaborator ends up dying (plus the cow, and the Pole).  The Dwarf and Boatswine who ruined the collaborator's life survived.  Zeke Bodean, as usual, was untouched.
"The Lord has protected me once again!"
"Fuck's sake!"

-The next morning the PCs carry on through the forest, but they run into an ambush from a group of rebels. Luckily, Morris the bandit was part of a rebel group, though  not this one.
"Which ones are you?"
"We're the Campaign for a Free Humanity!"
"Oh. I was in the People's Front for Humanity"
"Well, I guess that's alright. As long as you're not part of the fucking Human People's Front!"




-"Wait, you're the rebel group who destroyed the Underwear Factory?"
"Yes! And now we have to destroy the remaining underwear supplies!"
"...seriously?"

-The various rebel groups have serious ideological differences, but they're all united in two things: hating the Minotaur oppressors, and despising the Human People's Front.

-The Campaign for a Free Humanity help the PCs get to the capital, ruining Ack'basha's plan to keep delaying in order to buy time for the notoriously indecisive Azure Wizards to get to the Libram before Bill.
They also have a plan to help the PCs get to the Emperor's palace, but then on (apparently ill-thought-out) divine advice from G.O.D., Ack'basha decides that it's better to try to walk up to the front gate.
When they're almost in front of the heavily-guarded palace, there's a flash of light and an enraged Minotaur appears and starts to attack them. They're forced to murder the Minotaur, in front of the elite palace guard.
"Cheese it!!"

-The party flees through the narrow Old-City streets, and Ack'basha is forced to release his Minotaur and Polack Zombies in order to cause a distraction for them to get to a safehouse.

-In the safehouse, the gang tries to plan their next move.
"Dude, I'll just teleport onto the roof of the palace and throw a bunch of grenades all over the place!"
"This is how we know when a plan has gone completely to shit:
step 1- teleport
step 2- 'throw a bunch of grenades'
step 3- ?
step 4- Profit!"




-The group decides momentarily to say 'fuck it', and take off in pursuit of the Libram (against the virulent protests and accusations of contract-breaking coming from Ack'basha).  They all cram into the safehouse's tiny bathroom to teleport away. But once there, they keep debating until Ack'basha somehow manages to convince them that they must deal with this Minotaur situation first.

-The Minotaur Civil Police raid the safehouse. The PCs are hiding in the secret attic again, and they aren't detected, but the whole situation allows for some Life-of-Brian-based humor.




-It gets out in the news that everyone is looking for Ack'basha, who has been identified as having joined the anti-Minotaur resistance.

-Spending the night hiding in the attic, Ack'basha schemes to betray Bill. Chu schemes to betray Ack'Basha. The Fishman fumes that after ages in the party no one knows his real name. The newbies question whether they've made a terrible life choice in joining this party. Bill finally decides that he's just going to walk up to the police and ask to speak to Pertinax.

-"If you're really going to go do this, however you do it, just don't tell them you're Bill the Elf!"
"Yes, I too would not recommend that."
"That's actually good advice as a rule in general."

-Bill leaves the safehouse and almost immediately runs into police. He surprises everyone by not immediately blurting out that he's Bill the Elf. Instead, he makes up the worst fake-story in the world, claiming that he's a "traveler" from "far away", that just happened to end up in the old town without papers during a state of martial law.

-Bill is immediately thrown into a holding pen with a bunch of dissidents.

-"I need to see Pertinax"
"yeah, sure. Look, you'll get your turn being interrogated"
"Can I be interrogated first??"
"are you mental?!"

-"So you're saying that you just happened to get on the same bus as Ack'basha?"
"Yes, and some Fishmen were there with him"
"Did you overhear the names of any of these fishmen?"
"One of them I think was called Gadolfo"
Fishman's player: "SON OF A BITCH!"
Gadolfo's Player: "Gadolfo isn't a fishman, he's a boat-swine!"
Bill: "Sorry, gadolfo!"
Fishman: "He's been here ONE session and everyone knows his name?!"

-The Minotaur interrogator/torturer doesn't believe Bill's story about being an innocent witness. He shows bill the instruments of torture.  Bill immediately betrays the location of the entire party.

-BOOM! Suddenly, there's an explosion in the Minotaur police precinct!
"Sir, we're under attack!"
"Is it Ack'basha??"
"Worse! It's the Human People's Front!"
BOOM!
"It's their suicide squad!"




-Bill takes advantage of situation to flee, taking a human democratic student dissident with him.

-Back in the attic, the rest of the PCs can hear the explosions in the distance.
"That's Bill."
"Yup."
"Think he's accomplished anything?"
"Nope."
"Me neither."




-A Minotaur Police SWAT team raids the safehouse; the PCs hope they won't be detected, but suddenly, there's a flash of light and an enraged Minotaur in a clown costume is in the attic with them, attacking.

-Bill is hiding near the safehouse, trying to decide if he can, and if he should bother, trying to save the rest of the party. He tries to cast a cantrip distraction, and his 'student activist' friend pulls a gun on him.
"Ohhh, you work for the Minotaurs! You're an undercover agent!"
"That's right, and you're under arrest!"
"OK. You should know though... I'm Bill the Elf."
"...I.. what are you going to do?"
"I'm going to surrender! Take me to Pertinax!"

-The rest of the party managed to kill the Minotaur clown, but now the SWAT team of highly trained heavily-armed Minotaur Police are right inside the house, with seemingly no escape.


And on that bombshell, we ended the session!  Stay tuned next time for more exciting DCC adventures!

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DCC Campaign Log
« Reply #71 on: July 30, 2017, 04:20:49 AM »
DCC Campaign Update: He'll Be Remembered, But Not Missed


When last we left our totally anti-heroes, they well up shit creek.  Bill the Elf had revealed the rest of the party's hideout to the Minotaur SWAT team, and he had then turned himself in to a human collaborator, revealing his real identity and demanding that he be taken to the wizard Pertinax (the crazy wizard who was responsible for the teleporting of random minotaurs to attack the party; which he'd achieved through the production of cursed minotaur-underwear, in order to attain immortality).

Now:

-Bill gets handed over to the Minotaur Police, who quickly shackle him up, gag him and put a bag over his head. Soon he's doing the "Guantanamo shuffle" into a van, hoping it will take him to Pertinax.






-The PCs in the attic of the hideout are about to be raided by the SWAT; they come up with a plan to send their new Clown-Minotaur Zombie down, holding a grenade. Unfortunately, Minotaur Zombies aren't very good at holding live grenades, and he drops it right over the trap door, blowing himself to bits and alerting the SWAT to the PCs' presence.

-"Captain, there's a secret door!"
"It's more like a secret hole now, asswipes!"

-"Fuck all you guys, I'm casting Ekim's Mystical Mask!"
"Maybe one of the results is that it protects you from gas grenades?"
"It doesn't, because that would actually be useful"

-The PCs decide to try to break down a wall and climb their way out of the attic; unfortunately, when Chu tries to kick the wall, he does no damage and falls flat on his back.
"Great, we're going to be defeated by a wall."

-The Fishman had cast enlarge and spider-climb, and when the Minotaur SWAT team burst in he skitters up to the roof.
"What the fuck is that?"
"Some kind of wall-crawling fish-man!"

-"the captain is the largest minotaur you've ever seen. He's like the Dolph Lundgren of Minotaurs"






-"Chu can break the wall!"
"No Chu can't"

-"I'm 25% taller now, can I reach the window?"
"No, even 25% taller, Chu is still under 8' tall"

-"What did you roll on the deed die?"
"I rolled a Chu."
"NO! We're not taking it that far."

-The Minotaur SWAT are rushing in!
"Chu goes into a fetal position on the floor"

-One of the Minotaurs pumps of a burst of gunfire into Ack'basha, and he's down!
"I did it! I killed Ack'basha the terrorist! Tholia, Fuck Yeah!!"

-Zeke rushes at the Minotaur by the cracked wall, and both fall through it. Miraculously, the Minotaur breaks Zeke's fall!

-The Fishman, who was still on the roof, scuttles out the same hole to escape!
"I'll follow Zeke; I can either kill him or we can.."
"What?? Save us all with you and Zeke both at 1hp and your Ekim's Mystical Mask?"
"fuck you!"

-Chu decides that he might as well give it a shot too, so he jumps out the hole in the wall under heavy gunfire. He too breaks his fall on a minotaur corpse, and gets away, catching up to the other two when the weaklings are frantically trying to lift a manhole cover to get into the sewers.

-Dolph Lundgren Minotaur is a Minotaur of duty; he was told to assassinate Ack'basha but he has his doubts about the reasoning for his orders.
"He's a good guy, but a terrible actor!"

-The matter is irrelevant, however. Ack'basha fails his luck roll. The cleric is dead!

-"Bill the elf feels a great disturbance in the force... he gets hard!"

-"Ack'basha died like he lived.. trying to kill a minotaur."

-Ack'basha's player gives him a 'viking funeral':






-The other PCs (and Zeke) are not yet aware that Ack'basha has died. All except the fishman, mind you, who has broken the 4th wall.
"We're saved by G.O.D.'s grace! I'm sure Ack'basha is fine too, as he's G.O.D.'s chosen servant!"
"Dude, I can hear Ack'basha's player rolling dice for his new zero-levels. I'm telling you he's dead!"
"huh??"

-Eulogies for Ack'basha:
Chu: "He was a real fucker."
Fishman: "he'll be remembered, but not missed."
Bill: "He's now in the Holiest Sanctuary of all!"


Ack'basha, a self-portrait made by his player:




-"It's sad that Ack'basha died, by I really thought for a bit that everyone was going to die, except Bill."
"So it would have been a Total Party Bill?"

-The surviving non-Bill PCs are making their way through the sewers, when they run into a trio of newbies: a human food taster for the Minotaur Royal Family, a Halfling Marine who fled the palace with the food taster, and a human alcoholic they ran into in the sewers.
Ack'basha's player is looking over his three new 0-levels trying to decide what class they could eventually play: "In theory, they could all be clerics, but I really don't want to play another cleric right away."
"Remember, the Halfling can't be a Cleric"
"Yeah, halflings have no god, and no god wants them!"

-"It's three new guys: that means either Bill or Ack'basha are dead!"

-"Can you heroes help us get out of here?"
"My friend, we can't help anyone!"

-Meanwhile, Bill the Elf is inside the palace and finally meets face-to-face with Pertinax the wizard.




-"So, some of your friends have escaped, but Ack'basha the cleric is dead!"
"Really? Thank you!"

-"I'm supposed to believe you have no intention of avenging Ack'Basha's death?!"
"He killed me twice! Trust me, I'm OK with it!"

-"Alright then, what do you want??"
"Huh. That's a good question... I usually just wanted the opposite of whatever Ack'Basha wanted. But now... my life has no purpose!"

-When Bill enthusiastically offers to commit genocide on the Minotaur race if that's what Pertinax wants, Pertinax starts to get the uncomfortable sensation that of the two of them, he might actually be the 'good guy', at least compared to Bill.

-"So do you Minotaurs have any weaknesses?"
"No, we have no weaknesses!"

-"So what's the Alcoholic's INT?"
"7"
"So he's not even a smart drunk!"
"he's still smarter than Bill!"

-The food taster snuck back into the palace, and found out that Pertinax, having apparently cut some kind of deal, has let Bill go.
"So the plan is, you newbies will go out on the city streets looking for Bill"
"Oh, and remember, he doesn't actually look like an Elf; he looks like a glowing mutant-human"
"So, he's called Bill the Elf but he doesn't look anything like an Elf?"
"Bill's a Trans-Elf! You have to respect his pronouns!"

-When they finally find Bill, they learn that his deal with Pertinax was basically that Bill agreed to keep slaying the cursed minotaurs as they appeared, to help him reach immortality. And that he and the PCs would leave Tholia, never to return. So, with Ack'basha confirmed dead, the rest of the party promptly teleports away to return to the tower that holds the Libram of Ten Spheres, to get rid of Bill's geas.

-"So wait, there's still going to be minotaur attacks?"
"Yes."
"So we've accomplished nothing?"
"As usual, yes."




-The PCs arrive back in the Badlands, but decide to rest up so that they can recover much needed hp and spellburnt attributes.
"Man, NOW I'm starting to miss Ack'basha... well, his healing magic, anyways."

-No sooner do the PCs start to rest, that a Minotaur attacks! Chu gets KOed, the Fishman chickens out, Bill fires a magic-missile and phases out to the ethereal plane, and Zeke can't hit the broad-side of a barn. But the Newbies incredibly turn out to be the heroes: the alcoholic and the halfling in particular kick the shit out of the minotaur for everyone.
"Holy fuck, that alcoholic is a Drunken Master!"




-Realizing that they need to hunker down and have some protection against random Minotaur attacks, they move over to the tower, and camp out by its wall, with a Sequester spell for protection.

-"The alcoholic is out of booze!"
"That's OK, being an alcoholic is not a state, it's a way of life."

-Some kobolds show up, and the PCs make short work of them.  The halfling is starting to scare everyone; freed from the discipline of being part of the Minotaur Emperor's guard, he's quickly going back to  his feral state. He eats a kobold corpse, starts wearing hide-armor, and putting a kobold skull on his head as a cap.





-A minotaur teleports in, but promptly falls into a pit trap!
"It turns out minotaurs aren't very good at climbing!"
"So they DO have a weakness! That other minotaur lied to me!"

-The halfling gleefully throws kobold corpses into the pit to annoy the minotaur, until the other PCs mercy-kill it.

-While the PCs are recovering, the Fishman finishes his studies and has now learned Patron Bond!
"Great! Now you can randomly end up stuck with the King of Elfland as a patron!"

-Some more kobolds attack, and when they fail, they send a band of ogres.  The party kicks the shit out of them too. The halfling takes to making himself a necklace of ogre-teeth.
"This halfling is seriously starting to freak the shit out of me!"

-"Raf was my halfling slave-name! From now on, I want to be known as...um.. Ref!!"

-Fully recovered, the PCs decide to head into the tower. As the newbies level-up, the halfling decides to join the party in the tower, while the other two stay outside to stand guard (and no doubt bugger off, unless the halfling dies).

-"Ack'basha was bound to die, I just didn't know it wouldn't get to be Bill who did it"
"You did rat them out, so in a way you did it by proxy."
"Hey, I saved your life once too! Remember that time when you were unconscious and I just shook you awake instead of offing you?"
"So not having killed me counts as 'saving' me?"
"Bill saved you from himself!"
"If only someone could save Bill from himself!"


Well, that's it for this session!  Stay tuned next time when the party, sans Ack'basha but plus one really deranged Halfling, ventures back into the blue tower to seek out the Libram of the Ten Spheres!

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DCC Campaign Log
« Reply #72 on: August 31, 2017, 03:40:59 AM »
DCC Campaign: More From Backstage


So, today, I give you another transcript of backstage talk amongst my DCC group's ongoing discussion thread.  The comments are funny enough and the last post popular enough I decided to do this again. But this might be the last time, since I don't want my players to start hamming it up for the camera, as it were.



Bill:






Chu: Eh, that is disputable.

Bill: I guess this sums up Akbasha and Bill's relation

Fishman: I wish they'd just get on with it and fuck.
No, wait, I'm not playing that character anymore.

Newbie: Hey guys, I have caught the flu so I won't likely show up next Sunday unless I get any better. So good luck with the minoswats

Chu: That is going to become a thing, They are minoswats now.
Eitherway. Get better soon.

Newbie: Thank you!

Bill: Noooooo!

Pundit: Well, better you don't get us sick. Just hope this is a real flu and not that you got scared off!

Newbie: Not at all. I did had a lot of fun with you guys, so I hope to be back next time!

Fishman: We'll try harder next time then.

Pundit: Ok, good!

Morris: Hey guys I'll be there a bit late today. Stay alive, please.


Chu: An old boatswine saying "If we kill them, they lose" so they are totally going to lose if we die.

Bill: ETA?

Morris: I thought that it would take me less time, now I need to stay. Sorry, I won't be able to go today. I wish I had been able to tell you before.


*****


Pundit: Well, I hope you're happy. You murdered Ack'basha. Of course, Bill's pretty happy.

Ack'Basha/Ref: everytime you skip a session, an Ack'basha dies.

Fishman: A great evil has been defeated.
Unfortunately, it has given birth to a little evil.
Now, with Ack'basha's demise, we as a party, are we going to become more evil, or LESS?
I'd wish there'd be more of a change so we could find out.
I think there's an extra 'd in my last comment.

Ack'basha/Ref: the only way for the party to be less evil at this point, is a total party kill, and that's not something sure either.
specially with bill coming back.


Fishman: There's no TPK like a Bill TPK, because a Bill TPK is not complete unless Sezerkhan wishes so.

Pundit: "Little evil" is literal in this case, what with the halfling.

Ack'basha/Ref:





Bill: Looks like Akbasha.

Chu: Pictured: Akbasha about to commit holy genocide , Circa last Tuesday.

Ack'Basha/Ref: Surrounded by his hippies.

Bill: That looks about right.
Too bad you are missing the staff.

Fishman: Love the detail of the programs running on the tablet.

Morris: What the fuck I just missed?

Bill: About 30 xp and also Akbasha died.
A drunken Master.
A bland food taster.

Fishman: And the Tasmanian devil.

Bill: And a freak halfling.
Sure you don't want to call it Taz?
Primal Taz.
Anyways, now we are inside the tower.

Chu: That is what happens when you don't get your priorities straight.

Bill: Which are?

Chu: Getting 30 xp ; ^ )

Bill: Ha!
It's all the rogue's fault.

Fishman: ....what happened with those guys?

Chu: Something.

Bill: They probably fell through the darkness and are now arriving at the tower doorsteps.

Chu: They probably became underwear testing puppets (fate worse than death).

Bill: True.
That's a good way to teleport at our location.

Fishman: We should keep the slain minotaurs' underwear. They might prove useful as a way to locate either Chu, Bill or Sandy.

Bill: interesting. If Sandy is still alive, maybe she is also dispatching Minotaurs.

Ack'Basha/Ref: We need an enlarge spell to wear them.

Bill: Some of the new guys seem to have big balls.

Fishman: If you are talking about Ref, it's true. He cut them off a minotaur.

Chu: Or Bolto whenever he is.

Fishman: He's in a better place.
Which is, by definition, anywhere without us.

Chu: Pundit, your blog post needed more of my tactical crying.

Fishman: Get a hold of yourself, man!




So that's all for this session. Hope you enjoyed the ridiculous inter-session banter!

RPGPundit

(August 27, 2016)
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DCC Campaign Log
« Reply #73 on: September 06, 2017, 12:21:44 AM »
DCC Campaign Update: "Oh God, This Is Poison Ivy Too!"


Our last adventure had seen the kind-of tragic death of Ack'Basha, and the PCs finally escaping the Minotaur empire of Tholia, to return to their quest to find the ultra-powerful Libram of the Ten Spheres, hidden in some kind of dimensional puzzle inside an abandoned tower of the Azure Order.

Now:

-"Look, someone went inside the tower while we were gone. Maybe the Dutchmen?"
"The Dutchmen?"
"Y'all remember the Dutchmen, right? The ones we abandoned here?"
"Ohhh.."
"Isn't that weird?"






-The PCs enter the first room of the tower, and find all the Dutchmen, hung from the ceiling, very dead.
"What the fuck happened to them??"
"Who cares?"

-There's a flash of light, and suddenly a Minotaur appears! This one is dressed in the uniform of a Police Interrogator and he happens to be in the midst of strangling Morris the Thief, who had been left behind in Tholia.
"Wow, that's convenient!"

-Bill tries to cast Control Fire at the Minotaur, but fails. Fortunately, he doesn't activate his mercurial side-effect either, because every time he casts Control Fire he runs the risk of opening a rift into the outer void!
"Did you tell the other PCs about rift effect? ...no, never mind, of course you didn't; that was a stupid question."

-Morris is shocked to see the other PCs alive, as well as Zeke.
"Yes, my friend; I am alive. The Lord saw fit to spare me even though he allowed Ack'basha to die, I don't know why."
"I do, it's because G.O.D. doesn't want me to be happy."


(for some reason, I always imagine Zeke looking like this guy)

-"Fishman, why don't you cast Chill Touch at the Minotaur??"
"Because if he does it too often he'll go blind"

-"This Minotaur was a state torturer... he's a MinoStasi!"

-The halfling manages to wound the minotaur with a critical to the Minotaur's reproductive organs!

-Bill does a large spellburn, and Sezrekhan gives him the opportunity to drain the spellburn from one of his friends instead of himself. He chooses the Fishman. Unfortunately, the drain is so much that the fishman is left immobile from STR loss!
"He's flopping on the floor.. like some kind of fish!"

-The feral Halfling comforts the fishman "shh.. it'll all be over soon"
"Oh god! Guys, don't leave me alone with him!"

-After dispatching the Minotaur with Bill's massive magic missile, they move on in the tower, and soon run into a giant wasp!
"Guys, I can't move so I can't cast spells!"
"That means you're about as useful a spellcaster as always."





-They kill the wasp-thing, and move on, with Zeke volunteering to carry the Fishman, much to the Fishman's frustration.
"He ain't heavy, he's my brother!"
"You can't even remember my name!"

-The halfling stabs the next wasp-thing in the reproductive organs. Apparently, halfling crits always go to the reproductive organs.

-"The wasp-thing attacked, but missed Chu, Chu times!"
"I thought we weren't doing that!"

-"I can walk again, and I'm back to full hit points!"
"You're level 2 and you have 4 hit points? This is you at your best?!"
"Yeah."
"Yes, but he can always protect himself with Ekim's Mystical Mask!"
"fuck you guys!"

-The PCs reach the fountain room, where they had previously had a lethal encounter with a water weird, only to find that the weird's fountain has been magically frozen.
"Someone did this.. some spellcaster."
"Surely this isn't Ack'basha's revenge from beyond the grave?"

-The PCs then get to the room full of giant Seagulls; the halfling immediately stabs one in the balls.
"Do seagulls even have balls?"
"To a halfling everything has balls!"




-"This whole tower is like a puzzle; we have to do it in order."
"We probably already screwed it up, like room 6 was probably actually room 9 or something."
"That does sound like what an asshole wizard would do to fuck with people"






-The PCs get to a room with some ominous statues.
"I'm going to step right into the statue room to see what happens."
"Nothing happens."
"See? It's just like the rest of your life!"

-"Bill only has magic that kills people"
"No! I can also seal doors!"
"Even your door-sealing magic kills people."
"True."

-Bill has made a sequester that covers the entire tower, to stop the random minotaur attacks and secure the place, as well as providing himself with a small army of animated armors for extra help.  Possibly out of a sense of guilt for having temporarily paralyzed the Fishman, he makes the password the Fishman's name! This soon proves to be a problem, because none of the other PCs remember what it is (or at least, their players stubbornly refuse to pronounce it).
"The halfling will carve the fishman's name on his arm"
"Dude, that's just an 'X', do you even know how to write?"
"I'll remember."

-They eventually get into a room from which there is no exit, aside from a 40' tall wall covered in shit; someone at the top has been using the hole at the top of the wall (and thus this room below) as a gigantic toilet.
"How the hell do we scale that?"
"You could scale it with spider climb, but you'll probably get some interesting skin diseases"

-Bill starts to levitate along the shit-wall, but halfway up he discovers the giant wasp-thing nest! He drops back down, and casts Control Fire to light the whole fucking wall up.

-This attracts the attention of a group of Giants in the room above! The Fishman (now recovered from his Bill-induced Spellburn-paralysis) decides on a clever ruse, on account of the fact he can speak Giant with Comprehend Languages.
"Who is down there?"
"It.. it's me, Giant Giantson!"
"..that checks out. Well met, Giantson, but why are you in our toilet?"

-"Have you the company of any wizard, Giantson?"
"Maybe.. why?"
"Because we would slaughter them, to free ourselves from this accursed tower!"
"That's good, just so you know I'm definitely not a wizard just pretending to be a giant!"
"That's good to know!"

-"Have you seen any others of our race?"
"Once, it was awful!"

-"What caused the fire at the bottom of our latrine? Also, why are you at the bottom of our latrine?"
"that was me, sorry, it was something I ate!"
"You are a firebreather like myself?"
"Sort of, but it comes out the other end!"
"Then I shall call you Giantson Fire-Farter!"
"...sure, why  not?"

-The fishman learns that the Giants are trapped in the tower by some kind of spell, that prevents them from being able to find the exit. Instead of offering them some kind of help to reach the fairly easy exit, he immediately blames it on Bill.
"Then we must find this 'Bill', and destroy him or die trying!"
"I'm totally with you on that!"

-"My friend, ask the giants if they have heard the word of G.O.D."
"Oh yeah, totally."
"Then we can reason with them as brothers in the Lord!"
"No, they totally hate G.O.D."

-"Hey, I heard you mention Bill to them?"
"Oh yeah... I told them you're a really swell guy!"

-"By the way, you aren't wearing minotaur underwear, are you?"
"Why would we wear such a thing?"
"Just curious.. um.. I have an odd fetish!"

-The PCs convince the Giants that their only option is to jump out the (5th story) window; they then proceed up the burnt wall and when they look out the window, they see the Giants have indeed jumped, survived the jump and then fought and survived (albeit horribly injured) a vicious battle with a whole bunch of Minotaurs that had been teleporting in this whole time just outside the tower (on account of the Sequester spell).  They decide to move on.

-They move on to a room that has two windows, next to each other, that seem to look out at exactly the same point in space.
"Hey, let's two of us put our heads out at the same time and see what happens!"
"That sounds like an incredibly stupid idea."
"Yeah, but.. don't you want to know what would happen?"
"...yes."

-Chu and the Halfling both look out the window at the same time, causing an explosion, both are horribly injured.

-"I'm OK. I'm going out the window"
"Are you sure? You look horribly injured!"
"Let him go, the halfling clearly knows what he's doing."
"I don't think any of us know what we're doing at this point!"

-The sequester spell alerts them that someone (they assume the giants, crossed the sequester threshold (and presumably died horribly due to the traps that spell  lays).
"They Might Be Giants?"

-The PCs eventually get to a room that actually requires going out the window and climbing down to the next floor in order to continue completing the magical puzzle. They are now all required to say the Fishman's name, much to their annoyance.
"You all have to say it if you want to get back in without triggering the Sequester traps"
"So do you!"
"I'm the GM"
"but Zeke has to say it."
"Oh fuck you."
"Say it!"
"...Loscha."

-They reach the remains of a library, which still has a number of interesting books: "Magical Tower Building for Dummies", "Transdimensional Antechambers: A How-To Guide", "Pocket Plane Wizardry", "Elemental Husbandry In 10 Easy Steps", "Feng Shui For Your Tower", etc.
"Were any of them written by BOLT-0?"
"Curiously, no."

-The halfling guilts Zeke into being the first one to climb down to the next window, and when Zeke is hanging from the window he tries to murder him! By sheer luck (or Zeke might think the grace of G.O.D.), Chu is quicker and punches the halfling to try to knock him out. Unfortunately for the Halfling, Chu criticals!
"You hear a nasty sounding snap as the halfling's neck breaks"
"Is he still alive?"
"well, when you try to turn him over to check, his head falls off, so no."
"Shit! What do we do now?"
"Throw the corpse out the window?"
"Yeah, ok."




-They've completed the puzzle-tower, and now it only remains to climb to the top of the tower. Zeke, who had gone down first thanks to the halfling, decides to rush up the last magic window to try to get the book before Bill can get his hands on it! The Fishman follows after him.
"I can't allow Bill to give Sezrekhan the Libram!"
"Why?"
"Because he's evil!"
"How do you know he's evil?"
"He hired you!"

-In this moment of extreme tension, as Bill is trying to murder Zeke from the window below with spells, while Zeke is threatening to burn the book rather than letting Bill get it, the Human Alcoholic stumbles back into view at the bottom of the tower.
"Hey guys! I'm still down here! I took a shit and it was the size of a log! I think it was all that minotaur meat!"
"For fuck's sake.. there goes our dramatic tolkienesque moment of climactic tension."
"This is why we can't have nice things."



(for some reason, I'm imagining the Drunken Master played by this guy)

-"The dimensional hole is closing. I'm going to throw the book back in, the energy of the castle is spent and this way it will not fall into Sezrekhan's hands, or anyone else's! It will be out of reach forever! My friends, Bill might kill us, but we have to do this! The alternative is unthinkable!"
Unfortunately for Zeke, Morris has snuck up to the top of the tower too; he decides to choose a side: he backstabs Zeke, knocking him out!




-"Bill! Don't cast cloudkill! I have the book! I'm with you!"
"Is Zeke dead?"
"Hey you guys!! The halfing is down here too. He doesn't look well!"

-Morris panics, worried Bill won't trust him and will kill him just in case, so he throws the book off the tower toward Bill.
"Catch!"
Bill lunges for the book, frantically trying to catch it as it falls. Bill was tied to a rope and Chu quickly grabs the rope, frantically straining to save both Bill and the book.
"Hey you guys! That bush over there is poison ivy! Make sure you don't wipe your asses with it! I learned that the hard way!"

-Bill saved the book, Chu saved Bill, and the Alcoholic managed to hilariously ruin every dramatic moment at the climax of the adventure.




-The group heads back down. Morris and the Fishman claim that Zeke is dead, although Morris knows that he had only left Zeke unconscious.
"I assume he's going to die anyways."
"No. It's Zeke. G.O.D. has cursed me so that he's unkillable."

-Bill has to get out of the magical valley to contact Sezrekhan.
"This should be far enough."
"Ok, but don't look behind that rock! You definitely don't want to see what I left over there, it's huge!"

-Bill does Invoke Patron, with all the rest of the gang standing behind him waving and trying to get his attention.
"Hello, Mr.Sezrekhan!"

-Bill is having a serious talk with Sezrekhan, meanwhile the alcoholic's voice is heard from behind some nearby bushes.
"Oh god, this is poison ivy too! Not again!"




-"With the Libram, I will be able to rise to the Crown of Creation and take control of G.O.D. himself! You reward will be that when I defeat Nikos, he will die knowing that his destruction was thanks to you!"
"OK, but please don't tell him if you fail!"

-Sezrekhan also agrees to bring Bill back from the dead if his current body dies.
"Of course I will do this! You have pleased me!"
"Really? Man that feels weird."
"And of course, I assume there will be no more fuckups from now on!"
"Sir, you probably assume wrong."

-Bill also tells Sezrekhan he wants to destroy Tholia.  Morris overhears this.
"So, did Sezrekhan say you were allowed to destroy Tholia?"
"Yes, he said he doesn't give a shit about Tholia."
"Good!"
"Really? You like that idea? But you're from there!"
"Fuck them all."
The alcoholic chimes in "I think I was there once..."
"You're from there, you crazy drunk bastard!"

-"I want to go to Highbay."
"I want to go see Anthraz."
"I want to go destroy Tholia!"
"I think I need to go to a hospital, you guys!"

And with that the PCs, having given the Libram of the Ten Spheres to Sezrekhan (possibly dooming the world to his dominion) teleport off to Highbay, which they eventually agreed would be their first stop for some well-deserved rest.  They leave behind Zeke, alone and unconscious on the top of the tower, with days worth of travel through humanoid and giant-weasel-infected badlands between him and the nearest civilization.
Has the party seen the last of him?  Probably not, frankly, given how incredibly lucky he's been at surviving so far.

Stay tuned next time for more DCC adventures!


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DCC Campaign Log
« Reply #74 on: September 19, 2017, 11:55:07 PM »
DCC Campaign Update: No Cleric Can Fix What's Wrong With Me



So our victorious anti-heroes have made their way back to Highbay, hoping for some much-needed rest, while the Fishman plans to perform the complicated week-long ritual required to call a patron (he plans to call for one at random).

Now:
-"What's up with you saying the fishman's name now? It's white guilt, isn't it?"

-"You should go with Sezrekhan for a patron, there's no downside!"
"I guess if you feel that being made to betray your own party isn't a 'downside'..."
"Yeah, but a lot of that is just stuff Bill was going to do anyways!"

-The PCs notice that there's very little traffic on the road to Highbay.
"Wait, do you mean traffic or 'traffic'?"
"I mean commerce"
"That still doesn't answer the question."

-Morris the thief is carrying way too many things. "I want to give away some of this stuff!"
"You are a level 1 guy, you have nothing that a 2nd level wizard like myself could use!"
"Ok, then I guess Bill can have these four wizard scrolls then.."
"...shit."

-The Drunken Master keeps asking the other PCs for spare change.
"Listen, I'll give you these 2gp, go drink all you like, ok??"
"Oh, thank you very much! Hey... can you spare some change?"






-When the party gets to Highbay, they find that the city has upped security.  They learn this is because, after Sandy the Warrior Queen's apparent death, the dreaded Goldeater and his armies from the city of Goldhalcon swept in and began to occupy all her former territory. Now there's no buffer zone between Highbay and Goldhalcon, and the people of Highbay fear they'll be next.
The PCs are taken to see City Controller Swanlea, pretty much the only sober man in all of Highbay, who is annoyed by their presence as usual, and as usual torn between the power they hold and the havoc they always cause when they're in town.

-"Look, we just want to rest. But, we may be attacked by minotaurs while we're here."
"You seriously haven't fixed that yet??"
"Hey Mr.Controller, can you spare some change?"
"This guy is with you? Man, you guys have gone downhill.."

-"Ok, so you'll let us stay as long as we don't wreck anything, and we fight for the city if Goldhalcon attacks. But I have a question for you: will you be bothered if some of Ack'basha's cultists end up dead?"
"Not even a tiny little bit."

-"So it's settled then. While we stay here, Highbay is our own personal playground"
"That's NOT what I said!"
"Come on, Swanlea, you know how this goes.."

-"One more question: where's BOLT-0?"
"With the Time Dinosaurs."
"Those guys really exist??"
"They sure do. I'm still shitting carbonite!"

-The Drunken Master is here for the first time, and shocked at how everywhere in town narcotics are openly bought and sold.
"Ugh, drug addicts."

-Bill:"No! Come on guys, don't fight. Killing party members is wrong!"

-The PCs make their way to Ack'basha's Temple, where they meet a monk named Brother Shebubu. The cultists have apparently heard of Ack'basha's death, but now the cult has been taken over by two old cultists named Father and Mother Shebubu (apparently, every cultist is now named Shebubu, for reasons unknown) and they've convinced the rest of the faithful that Ack'basha has actually "ascended" to a higher plane and speaks to Father and Mother, telling them what the cult must do.
They've also constructed a statue of Ack'basha made of solid Smithplium.

-Unfortunately, the cultists are not at all happy to see Bill the Elf, or as they call him, "The Dark One"!
"That's a pretty accurate name."

-The PCs try to negotiate with the cultists, promising that they just want a place to stay and claiming that Ack'basha would have wanted this. Bill also hints to them that he might be able to get back the Primo Staff soon.
"We will have to perform the rite of Commune with Ack'Basha, to determine what is his will in all this!"
"So... is that like, actual magic, or are you guys just going to get high?"
"We only get high on Ack'basha!"






-The newbie PCs go shopping in Highbay.
"I would like to buy a warhammer"
"Sure! We have a 1st edition warhammer, a 2nd edition warhammer, and a 3rd edition warhammer, but that last one is frankly a piece of shit."

-Morris buys a special deal on some armor which includes a free baggie of hashish. He tries to sell it off on the street. While he's talking to a hippie, a city guard comes by!
"HEY! What are you doing?!"
"He's trying to sell me some hash."
"Oh! OK, carry on then."

-"So until now, you've been carrying around the rotting skin of a dead man in your pocket. But now that you've got a backpack, you can put it there, like a civilized person!"

-"Tell me, Brother Shebubu, have you seen any clerics in town? We're trying to find a new one for the party."
"Clerics have come by the temple from time to time, but they always leave fairly quickly in disgust, for some reason."

-The PCs decide to place a 'help wanted' ad with a local town crier:
"Who wants to join a happy band of adventurers? Wanted: a cleric with very lax morals."

-Morris tries to find a town crier:
"Hey, you.. I have some hashish with me. I want to take you to some friends who'd like to meet you.."
"Get the hell away from me you freak!"

-The Drunken Master goes looking for a town crier, but just ends up bringing back a homeless hippie more stoned than he is drunk.

-Finally, Chu and Bill realize that if they want a job done they need to do it themselves. They find themselves a town crier, and agree to the price of 1sp plus Morris' remaining bag of hash, followed by 2sp a day, until a Cleric is found.

-I should mention that the Drunken Master continues to be a master of comic relief, stealing every scene he's in.  I keep imagining Zack Galifianakis in his role, but his player tells me that this guy was his actual inspiration:





-Now he's got some half-plate armor, though, after scamming the money off Morris, so he looks closer to this:





-While the PCs are waiting around the temple, there's a flash of light and not one but two minotaurs appear! They appear to have been teleported while in the middle of a hardcore BDSM session; they're both in leather, and one of them is in cuffs and a gimp outfit.
"Well, that's awkward..."


-The kinky minotaurs are slain.
"Should we move the corpses?"
"Nah, leave them there in the front lawn."
And indeed, by the next morning the PCs awake to find that roving hippies took the bodies.

-The next day, another Minotaur attack! This one was dressed as a postman. In the vicious battle that followed, Chu ends up using a flamethrower, lighting the Temple of Ack'basha on fire!

-"You have burned the temple! Get out!!"
"And what are you going to do if we don't?"
"We'll tell Swanlea on you."

-Reluctantly, the PCs move down the road, squatting in an abandoned building within view of the temple (so they can alert the town crier they hired of their new location).
The Alcoholic is unimpressed "I'm not used to living in this level of squalor!"

-Bill gives the alcoholic 60sp to occupy himself, he heads off to blow it on cheap liquor and cheaper whores.
"Dude, your character isn't Zack Galifianakis from The Hangover anymore, now you're just Zack Galafinakis!"

-In the course of his drunken revels, the alcoholic runs into a feasting group of bards, and worms his way into their inner circle. By the next day, still partying with them, he's apparently been hired on as their roadie.





-The rest of the party suffer another minotaur attack, just as the town crier was coming up the road to see them.
"hey guys, I found you a cleric! I---aaggghh!!"

-"is the town crier still alive?"
"Well, he's in two halves, and his spinal cord is hanging out of one of the halves... so no."

-The team sweeps through town trying to find a Cleric. After some false starts, they run into one; a fairly wimpy-looking low-level cleric named Mackwis. Just as they run into him, there's another Minotaur attack.
"Did you talk to a town crier? About joining a group of happy adventurers?"
"Me?? No! What??"
"Welcome to the party!"
"What???"

-"I'm Chu, this is Morris, and the guy who was on fire and just vanished is Bi-- um... Michael! Michael the radioactive mutant!"

-"I don't want to go adventuring! I've only even been a cleric for less than a year!"

-"Hi! I'm.. Michael."
"You're on fire!"
"That's just because of a spell I cast. It'll eventually stop."
"I'm going to back away from all of you now!"

-"How long am I going to be on fire?"
"10 minutes per character level."
"Well, this is my life now."

-Morris hopes to find another cleric, the one who had been found by the town-crier before his untimely death, so he goes around offering the locals weed if they can find him.
"I'm not a cut-throat anymore; now I'm a drug dealer."
"This is your life now!"

-The other "cleric" does in fact show up the next day, but he's actually just a hippie pretending to be a cleric.

-Meanwhile, the Fishman had been spending all this time under a pier working on his ritual of Patron Bond. Eventually, a hippie discovers him there, and brings a friend to gawk at the weirdo.
"You don't want to make me get up. Get out of here now."
"We better be careful, man... he might cast Ekim's Mystical Mask at us!"
"...that's a low blow."


-The alcoholic has been touring with his band of bards, with the stage name "Lizardbreath".




-Unfortunately, the band broke up, leaving the alcoholic to regain consciousness in an utterly wrecked hotel room. There's weird liquid all over the floor that's probably a mix of alcohol and bodily fluids, and a dead hooker in the corner.



-The innkeep shows up demanding that the 500sp bill be paid, plus damages. So of course, the alcoholic does the only thing he can and jumps out the window.
"You failed your roll, and fell hard out the window, you now have 3hp left."
"You're still better off than when this started!"

-The alcoholic stumbles back to the Temple of Ack'Basha.
"You're not allowed in here anymore!"
"...who are you?"

-He finds his way to the squat where the PCs are staying, and meets Makwis the Cleric.
"I'm going to try to heal you.."
"OK, thanks!"
"...of your alcoholism."
"Wait, what??"

-"But alcohol cleans wounds! It's why I have no internal injuries!"
"I'm pretty sure you have massive liver damage."

-"Ok, so my name is Michael.. but some people call me Bill."
"Bill? Like Bill the Elf?! That's awful! Why would your friends nickname you after history's greatest monster?"

-The alcoholic is confused by Bill's attempt to hide his true identity from the cleric.
"Wait, who's Michael?"
"He is." *wink*
"Oh. Pleased to meet you.. you remind me of someone I know."

-"So where were you the last few days?"
"I was in a band. They treated me to some drinks and stuff.. then things happened. There was a dead hooker!"
"I've been there, man."

-The PCs send the alcoholic away again, to try to find some new Dutch mercenaries. He starts to ask around.
"There's some mercenaries around the docks. There's also this weird fishman, a dude is charging 2cp to see him!"
"Really? A fishman?? No way!"

-Another minotaur fight happens.
"Markus are you OK?"
"It's Makwis, actually, but yes."

-"Dutch mercenaries? Yes, I remember a while back there was a group of dutch crossbowmen. But they left with some adventurers, and never returned. Isn't that weird?"

-While rooting around the port area, the alcoholic runs into a huge apeman warrior.
"I'm looking for Bill the Elf"
"I could take you to Mike... they're very similar!"





-"I'm part of Bill's adventuring party, and they're looking for warriors to hire. Hey wait.. I'm a warrior! They could hire me!"

-"I'm seeking Bill the Elf"
"Wait, the elf??"
"They call me that sometimes."
"So you are not Bill the Elf?"
"Um... let's go for a walk, apeman.."

-"And you are?"
"Chu, you might have heard of me, I'm actually sort of a big deal"
"The warrior?"
"Yes!"
"I've vaguely heard of you."
"Oh."

-"So you were just lying to a cleric?"
"If you really know Doctor Theobald, this should come as no surprise to you."

-"I serve the young Queen Zoey of Coolland, who's kingdom is threatened by her wicked uncle, the Duke of Abstinence"
"I hate that guy!"

-"Why don't you get help from the Azure Order?"
"The kingdom of Coolland has had bad relations with the Azure Order. Something about body image issues."

-"The Kingdom of Coolland is a rare place of beauty in this terrible world. I want to preserve it."
"We'll try  not to ruin it."

-"Why is this drunk with you?"
"We don't really know. We just fed him once and now we can't get rid of him."

-"Ack'Basha's dead?! And the Lord of Blood and Fire killed him?"
"Yes!"
"No...er, yes!"
"So this is not just a job for you, you seek to avenge your friend?"
"Man, there's a lot of disinformation out there about me..."

-Meanwhile, the Fishman finally completes the ritual of Patron Bond. He chose to risk a random patron, and the one that answered his call was.. the Old Hag!
"So.. you're the Old Hag.. what's your deal?"
"There be two things ye have to know about the Old Hag: the first is that she be.. a hag!"
"Oh god, I know where this is going..."




-"So you can't offer me some form of immortality?"
"No, but ye will be able to get the aid of any old wise women ye may find."
"yeah... I think that I'm just going to try again later with some other patron.."

-Having wasted a week for nothing, the Fishman gets up to leave. But the gang of hippies who were charging 5cp for people to come see the freak try to force him to stay.
"Hey dude, he's diving into the bay!"
"Should we go after him?"
"Well.. yeah.. but.. it's water."
"Oh yeah. Bummer. Never mind."

-Bill the Elf has resorted to casting Charm Person on the cleric to keep him around.
"The cleric is going to prepare dinner for us now."
"You know he's going to despise you once the spell wears off, right?"
"He's my best friend!"

-The fishman dejectedly returns to the party.
"Hey cleric, can you heal the fishman?"
"No cleric can fix what's wrong with me."

-"Ok yeah, the thing is my name's Michael, but people... aw fuck it, I'm Bill the Elf!"
"I feel extremely upset at you, as a friend."

-"So what's your name, Mr. Ape?"
"My name is Harembe!"
"Oh fuck!"





-The team agrees to take up the cause of Queen Zoey, and so Bill the Elf prepares to Planar Step them all to Coolland. Unfortunately, he can only take so many people with him, and thus Harembe the Apeman agrees they should go on ahead, and he will follow them. He promises to take the cleric as well, but he doesn't sound very sincere.

-The PCs arrive in a field of adorable fluffy bunnies, within distance of Coolland's capital city of Gaga.
"I'm already regretting this."




Stay tuned next time, for more DCC insanity!

RPGPundit

Currently Smoking: Lorenzetti Poker + Solani Aged Burley Flake

(September 20, 2016)
LION & DRAGON: Medieval-Authentic OSR Roleplaying is available now! You only THINK you've played 'medieval fantasy' until you play L&D.


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Dark Albion: The Rose War! The OSR fantasy setting of the history that inspired Shakespeare and Martin alike.
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ARROWS OF INDRA
Arrows of Indra: The Old-School Epic Indian RPG!
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LORDS OF OLYMPUS
The new Diceless RPG of multiversal power, adventure and intrigue, now available.