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DCC Campaign Update: Vegan Mutants are Descended From Carrots

When last we left our "heroes", they were back in the Sun, and trying to get the Spirit of the Sun (Anema) and the Wight who stole her heart, her soul, and her ability to open the gate to the Crown of Creation, back together again as a couple.   Also, the strange and very glam Captain Harry, from the future, had just revealed to Heidi that he was Heidi's grandson.


-"Sami, get a hair off Mongo for me."
"He's not an animal, you can't Summon him!"
"No, it's for Locate Object."
"He's not an object!"

"Guys, I think Heidi just got some kind of bad news!"

-"We can go anywhere from here, we should get some money!"
"Who are you even talking to right now, Catboy? Heidi is in the other room screaming with Captain Harry, I'm with Anema, and Vizi is talking to Fabritzio. I guess you're just talking to the Vegan."
"Oh god no!"

-"We're almost at the Crown of Creation."
"Yeah, you could say we're in the Hallway of Creation."

-"OK, so to review: Sami is talking with Anema trying to get her on track with the relationship thing, Vizi is doing the same with Fabritzio, the catboy is following Vizi, the Vegan is following the Catboy, and Heidi is still screaming but no one cares."

-Sami is trying to talk relationship advice to Anema.
"The way to a man's heart is through his prostate, you just shove up.."
"What Vizi?"
"I got this one, OK? I got this."

-"From now on, I'm just called Catboy."
"That's a stupid name."

-Fabritzio still has cold feet.
"I'm a wight, she's the Sun.. it's not a very natural mix."

-Roman comes into the room in a bathrobe.
"What's happening? Who keeps screaming? Are Anema and Fabritzio doing it? Those don't sound much like happy screams."

-"Wait, this place has showers?"
"This place is run by the most narcissistic shallow Female Entity we've ever met. Have you seen the size of her makeup closet?"
"Really? That's interesting. Excuse me for a moment..."

-"What are you doing?"
"Stealing makeup."
"I have makeup!"
"You do, why?!"
"I'm a thief. It's for disguise."
"You're a cat!"
"Yeah, no amount of makeup is going to hide the fact you're a catperson!"

-Sami sneaks into Anema's Makeup Closet.
"Oh my god! The colors!!"

-Meanwhile, Heidi is telling everyone what Captain Harry told him.
"Wait, how could he be your grandfather!? You're not even green!"
"We can be whatever we want, in the future. Human, mutant, those are all things of the past. In the future we're all One."
"Are there Vegans?"
"No. As I mentioned, they're all extinct."
"See? That really is the best of all possible futures."

"Shut up, Vegomagus!"
"That's it! That's his new name!"
"But I don't want to be called the Vegomagus!"
"...i want my name back please."

-"Can we fit a mammoth or a giant porcupine in the dungeon we're going to visit?"
"I can now understand why we drove you to extinction."

-"No, Vegomagus, you can't make a catboy from cat hairs!"
"He's a catperson, not a cat! He's as similar to a cat as Heidi is to a monkey or the Vegomagus is to a carrot."
"Vegan mutants are descended from carrots?"
"Well, I assume so."

-They go get Sami, who's busy stealing all the makeup she can from Anema.
"Sami, we have to go somewhere."
"There's a problem."
"Because I want a cool sword."

-"We should bring one of the Jesi with us; they can teleport us there and back."
"Yeah, good idea. Hey, I haven't seen Chocolate Jesus around lately..."
"I notice Mongo's face is covered in chocolate stains..."
"Oh. I thought he was just eating makeup."

-"blah blah sidequest mongo?"
"No, Mongo, you're not going on a sidequest with us. You're staying here."
"Hey, Mongo's first word in Common is 'sidequest'!"
"Makes sense!"

-"Mongo, stay here. Be good. Don't eat another Jesus."

-"Let's bring Republican Jesus."
"Where is he?"
"He's over at the gun range, shooting an M16 and drinking beer while listening to Sweet Home Alabama."
"Hey Republican Jesus, want to come with us to shoot some things?"
"Buddy, you had me at shoot."

-"Do you have any more guns, Republican Jesus? All I have is this pistol."
"Shit, do I?"
Republican Jesus shows the catboy a gigantic warehouse full of guns. There also appears to be an atomic bomb there.

-The Catboy takes a sniper rifle, a bandolier full of high-explosive grenades, and a machine gun that's almost too big for him to lift.  They're heading back to the others when they run into Historical Jesus.
"Hey, have any of you seen Chocolate Jesus anywhere?"
"Um. No. We have to go now!"

-Following Captain Harry's guidelines, Republican Jesus teleports the party to a rocky black island in the middle of a blood-red sea.
"This is the Sea of Blood."
"Can I summon something with this blood?"
"NO! Do not do that."

-The PCs find the entrance to the dungeon, it took some time because in Captain Harry's time this whole place was a commemorative museum.
They enter a corridor and find a large door at the end, which the Vegomagus' Detect Magic notes is protected by an Explosive Rune.
"We could send some porcupines through there."
"If I send a porcupine through and it's hurt, will you heal it?"
"Porcupines ain't for healing, they're for eating!"

-Roman tries to remove the explosive rune with this sonic tool, but it creates a type of backlash and briefly Roman seems to assume a different form, of a tall man with heavier features and a larger beard.
"What was that?!"
"Uh, nothing. It must have tried to polymorph me or something."

-"It seems to be a Fae Rune"
"I knew about a Fae Rune in some Realms, but I've Forgotten."

-"I could just use my grenade launcher on it, that might do the trick."
"Do your stuff, RJ!"
"RJ? Shit, I like that! OK, y'all step back... motherfucking Giddy Up!"


-Republican Jesus fires a couple of grenades at it, destroying the door, but the rune is still there, invisible to the naked eye.
"Ok, that's it. Vegomagus, tell one your porcupine to go through the entrance."

-Reluctantly, the Vegomagus sends a summoned porcupine through the door.
"Ok, walk through that door porcupine.. I.. I love you!"

-The porcupine, facing a suicidal order, turns on the party!

-Heidi manages to kill the porcupine. The Vegomagus summons 4 more porcupines.
"The porcupines look happy until they see the mangled corpse of the former porcupine. Then they look worried."
"Don't worry. That won't happen to you if you obey!"

-The 2nd porcupine they try to send through the door ALSO turns on the PCs!
"Lucky we killed it before it could avenge itself on you, Vegomagus!"

-The 3rd porcupine ALSO turns on the party!
"In porcupine it's saying 'die, destroyer of my race'!"

-The Vegomagus is forced to use Force Manipulation to destroy his own summoned animal.
"It's body parts explode all over the remaining porcupines, who look horrified."

-The next porcupine finally crosses, and gets blown up by the Rune. The rune is weakened by not extinguished.
"God damn it!"

-To avoid the risk of the last porcupine turning on them, Heidi has a plan. He has the vegomagus order the remaining porcupine to get within 10 feet of the doorway.
"I can't tell you."
"But why?"
"Because if I tell you, the porcupine will know and then it might turn on you!"
"OK, but what are you going to do?"
"Just do it!"

-Heidi kicks the porcupine, field-goal style, through the doorway. It also explodes, and the blast hits Heidi, and he takes some damage but survives.

-The rune is finally spent! The Vegomagus summons another porcupine and tells it to go through the door. It does so unharmed, but a second later is snatched up from some hideous white tentacles from the ceiling! They hear some desperate squeals, and then some porcupine bones fall to the floor.
"Holy shit, what is that goddamn thing?!"
"Oh yeah, the museum did mention a tentacle creature.."


-The party comes up with a plan. They summon yet another porcupine, and tie a bandolier around it with 10 High Explosive grenades. Republican Jesus ties some fishing line to a pin, and when it goes through the entry and gets snatched up by the tentacles the pin is released. A second later there's a huge explosion and bits of tentacle and chunks of red matter fall the floor.

-"Summon some more porcupines to see if it's really safe."
"OK, I'll summon 2 4HD porcupines."
"No, summon 8 little ones, we might need more test subjects!"
"But the big ones can protect me..."
"Well, the little ones can swarm an opponent, Ugandan-Knuckles style!"
"I like how you're using his favorite meme as a way to try to manipulate him."

-"Hey, I just thought of something. To restore Captain Harry's timeline, maybe we just need to SAY that the Hippomagus was at the Crown of Creation!"
"You mean bring his corpse with us, Weekend At Bernie's style?"

-"Huh. I think this tentacle creature was made of... spaghetti?"
"So it was a flying spaghetti monster?"
"Oh crap, the atheists will hate us now, we blew up their god!"

-"You know, for a supposedly 'useless' guy, I sure helped!"
"You couldn't control your porcupines for shit! We wasted hours on this!"

-"Which way now?"
"Well, I know that to the left there was some kind of blob-monster. And to the right there was a little shop."
"Oooh, a little shop! That's great!"
"That's probably just in the future, this place will become a museum, remember?"
"So what kind of shop is it?"
"It doesn't exist there now!"

-The PCs head to the room that will one day have a 'little shop'. They were hoping it might have just been an empty room, but as it turns out its covered in gunk and crap and has a dangerous Shit-Eater!

-"Heidi, it's your turn. What do you do other than weep for your descendants?"

-RJ hits the shit-eater with a burst from his M16, and it runs away.


-There are some twinkling things in the shit-eater's pile of shit!
The Vegomagus covers himself in shit in the process of digging it all out. It turns out to mostly be a few thousand copper pieces and a couple of platinum pieces, though there's also three scroll tubes.
"The highest level spell is Lokerimon's Assistance"
"Makes sense, that's a shit spell."

-They move on to the next room, where they encounter the Shit Eater, which seems to have mutated to grow a couple of extra tentacles! The room also has an evil Hag (who probably healed and 'evolved' the Shit Eater), and a Giant Flan!

-Heidi flies in and attacks the Giant Flan, but the Hag casts Sleep and Heidi falls asleep, while his jet pack is still on, bouncing him around the room at random.

-The Vegomagus decides to summon more animals after his latest porcupine is beaten to death and disemboweled by the Shit Eater.
"Force Manipulation!!.... er, I mean, Animal Summoning!"
"You are so confused, dude."

-Sami calls on Divine Aid to wake Heidi up!
"I got a natural 20! Heidi will never sleep again!"
"He is so Woke now!"

-Heidi grabs the hag by the hair and throws her into the corridor. Then, surprising absolutely everyone, Captain Harry pulls out a tiny little gun out of his pocket and instantly disintegrates her!
"Holy shit!"
"Wow, look at your grandson now, Heidi!"

-Vegomagus summoned a bear, who goes at it with the Giant Flan.
"The flan hits the bear, doing 10 points of damage from acidic Dulce De Leche!"
"That's one tough piece of frou-frou cake!"

-The bear hits but only does 4 points of damage.
"That's a weak hit. Is that bear ill?"
"It must be Vegan!"

-Heidi slays the Giant Flan.
"Dessert is served."
"Great line!"

-"I'm finally getting good at throwing Force Balls!"
"You're good at handling balls, Vegomagus?"
"I learned from the master!"
"The Hippomagus taught you about balls?"

-They finish killing the monsters.
"I cast detect magic."
"You don't detect anything?"
"Not even from that black door you mentioned?"
"Oh, shit, right. No, the door is FULL of magic."

-The black door has another explosive rune. And it's immune to scrying. And it has a Wizard Lock. And it's got a barrier against Daemons.

And at that point, unfortunately, one of the players had to leave early.  So we stop on a 'to be continued'. Stay tuned for more DCC greatness!


Currently Smoking: Castello 4k Collection Canadian + Image Latakia

DCC Campaign Update: It Was Probably Alan Moore

In our last session, the "heroes" were going through a dungeon, on the advice of Captain Harry (who turned out to be Heidi's grandson, from the future). He thought that the death of the Hippomagus could be made up for if Heidi obtained a very powerful Chaos sword that could slay Daemons.

They'd made their way through the whole dungeon, and got to a black door with some dangerous spells on it.


-Vizi was still up on the Sun, engaging in some couples counselling between Anema (the Spirit of the Sun) and Fabritzio (the rebel biker wight from the Zombie Empire, Anema's ex-boyfriend who had eaten her soul).
"OK you two, so the first thing to do would be for both of you to smoke a little weed!"


-Anema is a Celestial, Fabritzio is undead. Weed won't actually affect either of them.
"I would need some kind of undead weed."
"There's undead weed?"

-"Well, I'm basically out of ideas. When I was a shaman, weed would pretty much fix everything."

-"Do you have food here?"
"The Jesuses... Jesi... can make food. It's one of their tricks. Our whole pantry is pretty much just one loaf and one fish."

-"Hey Black Jesus, could I get some vanilla ice cream?"
"Seriously, motherfucker?"

-The ice cream solution doesn't work either.
"Anema doesn't really care for cold foods, and Fabritzio only eats souls."

-Vizi tries to get Anema and Fabritzio to make a list of their 'cons' about their potential relationship.
"Ok, let me see... Fabritzio's con is that he wants all the sexy ladies... Anema's con is that she's got a crush on the catboy."
"Oh for fuck's sake!"
"She even drew a little cute picture of a cat and some hearts."

-Vizi decides he needs backup, so he gets Sami summoned to the Sun. Fabritzio immediately hits on her.
"You're not  my type. You're poor."

-Historical Jesus takes the Catboy and Vegomagus on a quest to find Chocolate Jesus, who he thinks has betrayed them. In fact, Chocolate Jesus was eaten by Mongo.

-Vizi and Sami are sent back the others in the dungeon, since none of their relationship advice is really working anyways.

-"If that door doesn't have a magic lock, it should blow up when I shoot it?"
"I don't know."
" you're saying I should shoot it..."

-"RJ could summon a lobster!"
"Man, Vizi is so high right now!"


-Sami thinks her divine aid has dispelled the dangerous spells, but she's not sure.
"Sami is walking back into the hallway."
"You're not filling us with confidence here..."

-After some time, Sami actually makes certain she has dispelled the dangerous spells. Vizi breaks open the lock with his laser-sword, and Heidi kicks down the door.
"NYPD! Nobody move!"
"...I just always wanted to say that"

-There's a bigass classic-looking Demon in the room, guarding a badass heavy-metal-style black rune-covered sword.
"Orobaz is bound to stop you, underlings!"

-"Orobaz was bound here by a Daemon."
"Was it Alan Moore?"
"I am bound not to speak his name."
"It was probably Alan Moore."

-"Why don't you just leave?"
"Orobaz is bound to this room."
"Man, you must really be pissed off."
"Orobaz is very pissed off!"

-"What if we kill the Daemon who bound you?"
"Orobaz cannot name him."
"But it's Alan Moore, right?"
"Orobaz cannot confirm or deny."
"But can you say if it was a British dude with a long beard?"
"That could be at least a half-dozen Daemons."

-"I'll give you this delicious bucket of ice cream!"
"Orobaz is bound not to accept bribes."
"Damn, they thought of everything!"

-Vizi tries to use his psychic power to get a glimpse of the past in the area. But all he gets is an image of the old hag missing her master.
"Well, that didn't help."
"As usual, psionics do nothing."

-"Is your master among us?"
"The one who bound me is not here."
"Did the one who bound you write V For Vendetta?"

-Finally, the team decides to just fuck it, and Vizi, Heidi and RJ all empty their clips at the Demon from the other room, figuring it can't leave his chamber. Unfortunately, in the time they took the spells that had been temporarily dispelled have come back in force, and all their shots just bounce off the Wizard-lock force field.
"RJ dives to the ground, having made his saving throw. The rest of you guys take ricochet damage."
"So you're saying Jesus saves?"


-"Sami is really good with her laying-on-hands."
"does she lay on hands with a happy ending?"

-Heidi flies into the room and slams into the demon. The demon tries to hit him but fumbles.
"Orobaz is out of practice!"

-Republican Jesus empties a clip into the Demon.
"Eat hot American lead, haji!"

-Unfortunately, the demon is immune to normal bullets.
RJ starts to bless his M16.

-The demon hits Vizi and permanently drains 4hp from him!
"Can Jesus heal?"
"Not RJ, he just shoots the fuck out of shit."
"Historical Jesus can heal. Baby Jesus can probably heal. Black Jesus can get down. Chocolate Jesus isn't around anymore. And I'm pretty sure that Mexican Jesus is just a guy."


-Heidi gets a critical hit on Orobaz and cuts a chunk right through him.
"Holy shit, he just took like a solid block out of him, like it was a cartoon or something!"
"You made him a paraplegic!"
"Next sword he protects will be from a wheelchair!"
"Jesus, I kind of feel bad for the demon."
"Motherfucking giddy up!"

-While they were fighting, Captain Harry got a hold of the sword. The PCs finish killing the demon.

-"Should I get the sword now, Harry?"
"Depends.. what's your intelligence? Actually, maybe I should just hold it for now until we're at the Crown of Creation."

-Suddenly, just as the PCs are about to head back into the sun, they hear a weird TARDIS-esque sound, and they (and only they, not Roman or Captain Harry or Republican Jesus) are transported through a vortex into another place. A place with velociraptors dressed in victorian garb.
"Oh shit, the Time Dinosaurs!"

-They're on a multicolored platform seemingly made of light, leading down a walkway full of Kirby-Esque structures, culminating in a stunning ziggurat with a giant Robot head on the top!

-"Holy shit, you know what this is?"
"Yeah, another side-quest."

-The Time Dinosaurs lead the PCs up to the giant head, answering any questions they ask but always in their incomprehensible dino-language.
The Giant Robot Head's eyes light up.

-"Hey Bolt-0, do you know my my grandson Harry? He's a time traveler."
"Oh yeah, we're not with him."
"I totally remember him once saying 'fuck Bolt-0'!"

-It turns out that the great enemies of the Time Dinosaurs, the Dimension Bugs, are attempting another incursion into regular space-time. BOLT-O has extracted the PCs from their own time in order to take them to the pocket dimension they've prepared for their incursion, in order to stop them breaking through.
"Do we get paid for this?"
"Oh great."

-"You could come with us, BOLT-0!"
"You used to be a cool robot."

-The PCs are transported to some huge stairs. BOLT-0's head appears in a hologram with a final message.
"Oh great!"
"Even better."

-They go up the stairs to a doorway covered in strange non-euclidian patterns.
"Like, weird shapes?"
"Like, Lovecraft shit!"


-The door opens to an empty room.
"I throw the demon Orobaz's balls into the room!"
"Wait... you cut off the demon's balls and took them with you?"
"Ok... you toss them into the room and nothing happens."
"It's safe, guys! I walk into the room and recover the balls."

-The PCs find a trap door on the floor, but can't open it.
"I'll cut it open with my laser sword!"
"Hey, instead of destroying everything, why don't we check the other, normal door that exits the room?"
"But destroying everything has always worked for us so far!"

-They move on to a gallery of stunning (though sometimes eerie) paintings. Heidi and Vizi start immediately destroying the art.

-One of the paintings Vizi was about to destroys transforms into a cloud of blackness which envelops him, and spreads into the room causing fear to everyone. Everyone heroically abandons Vizi rushing to the next room.

-"Can we cast magic missile at the darkness??"
"Well no, for a couple of reasons. For starters, you have no magic-users."

-Vizi is completely enveloped by the blackness!
"Go Vizi! You've got him on the ropes now!"

-Vizi manages to defeat the blackness. The party then considers whether to fiddle around with the paintings, but finally just decide to round them ALL up and throw them into the pit of rotating knives they'd found in the other room.
"By the way that the GM is laughing, I'm betting that those paintings were important..."
"Hey, BOLT-0 picked us, he knows we're like this."

-They proceed down some stairs and find a library!  While Heidi starts looking at the books carefully, Vizi grabs a bunch and starts trying to throw them into a fireplace! As soon as he does so, the dust in the library starts to swirl and form into a Dust Elemental to attack them!
"Goddamnit, Vizi."

-They defeat the elemental, and then check out the books. Among the volumes they could identify were a Guide to General Engineering, A book about makeup, the complete works of Shakespeare, and a book written in Kobold called "Mysterious Transformation" (which turned out to be a romance novel).

-They move on to a room with some Tesla Coils, where they meet a creature made up of a patchwork-quilt of sewn body parts.
"It's a Frankenstein!"
"That's not a species. There's just one Frankenstein!"
"Well, that's one of them."
"Actually, Frankenstein was the guy who made him, not the monster..."
"No one cares."

-"Guys, that Frankenstein looks like it's concentrating really hard... or maybe it's about to fart!"

-"Hey are you the Frankenstein who drew those paintings upstairs? Because that art looked like shit!"

-The Frankenstein can use the electricity of the tesla coils, and is kicking the crap out of Vizi and Heidi, while Sami backs away and casts Lotus Stare; but she needs the Frankenstein to look at her.
"Hey, over here! Look! I'm topless!"

-After some more general beatings and Heidi fumbling and damaging his own jetpack, the Frankenstein finally gets caught by the Lotus Stare.
They move him away from the Tesla Coils (which were electrocuting the PCs as they fought), and then start literally 'disarming' him.

-They move on to a hallway that has weird escher-like effects as directions and gravity start to lose all meaning.

-Suddenly, they're attacked by some horrific insects that come out of the edges of the walls.
"So are those the Dimension Bugs?"
"There's two things you need to know about Dimension Bugs..."

-The dimension bugs fire energy webs that are very difficult to avoid. There's a crazy fight of PCs trying to hit the bugs while others break out of the webs.

-At one point, a bug criticals Heidi and pierces him with a stinger right through the jaw, costing him five teeth!
"Can the cleric heal that?"
"Clerics can cure light wounds, but not teeth."

-Vizi was paralyzed by the stinger; Sami tries to cure paralysis on him but fails, and gets her hands stuck in the web.
"Since my hands are stuck to him anyways, can I try again?"

-They manage to defeat the bugs, and see that past the hallway there's a vast hall, that is entirely at a 90' angle; one end goes off into the distance, and the other ends below in a huge tangled energy web like the ones the dimension bugs fired at them.

That's it for this session.  Stay tuned next time to see if the PCs get out of the pocket universe before they're totally screwed, and whether they will ever get to the Crown of Creation!


Currently Smoking: Blatter Diplomat + H&H's Delta Days

(March 9, 2018)

DCC Campaign Update: At Least I Still Have My Vanilla Ice Poster

Last time, Heidi, Sami and Vizi had been sent by BOLT-0 and the Time Dinosaurs to stop the Dimension Bugs from making their way through a pocket dimension into the regular space-time and devouring it all.
The Vegomagus and the Catboy, meanwhile, were busy with Historical Jesus, trying to "find" Chocolate Jesus, who had been eaten by Mongo.

"Hey Historical Jesus, do you guys have a toilet here? Some laxatives?"
"Are you unwell?"
"I'm a catperson. I have so many parasites you wouldn't believe."

(This, according to catboy's player, is how he imagines his character)

-"We have no time for this. We must find Chocolate Jesus. He may have fallen to the dark side."
"I'm sure he has!"

-"Hey Historical Jesus, do you think it could be G.O.D.'s will for me to get a book that teaches me Magic Missile?"

-"By the end of this, Chocolate Jesus won't be chocolate."
"Holy shit."

-While searching for Mongo, the catboy comes across a door marked "Do Not Enter".
"I can't resist! Curiosity..."

-Inside, he finds a Korean Jesus, who's frantically filling out paperwork.
"What you want?!"
"Um, nothing really.."
"Go away. Very busy!!"

-Black Jesus barges in.
"Catboy, get the fuck out of here! Don't you go bothering Korean Jesus; he's the one who gets all the work done around here!"

-The Catboy finally finds Mongo, having forgotten that Mongo thinks of the catboy as his pet.
"Oh shit."


-While being squeezed and cuddled by the giant man-child, the Catboy notices an equally-desperate bunny being squeezed in Mongo's other arm.
"Where the hell did you find a rabbit, Mongo?"

-The catboy's plan is to feed Mongo laxatives to get him to poop out chocolate jesus.
"I guess I better open the bottle for him, because it's probably got a child-safety lid."
"Ok, roll."
"I fail."
"You can't open the bottle."

-The catboy shoots the bottle, scaring Mongo who destroys a priceless statue for no reason and runs away.
The shot also scared the Vegomagus (who's temporarily blinded because the strong lighting in the Sun disrupts his cybernetic eyes); the Vegomagus casts Animal Summoning reflexively.
"Historical Jesus looks at you both as if he's realizing he's made a terrible mistake."

-"Historical Jesus, dost thou haveth--"
"Art thou mocking me?!"
"um.. no."

-"Do you have Restore Vitality?"
"You know he probably does, but he's just an asshole."

-"Art thou saying that Mongo hath EATEN Chocolate Jesus?"
"Well... yes."
"So the laxatives were for Mongo?"
"And thou thought that this would restore Chocolate Jesus?"
"If thou wast eaten by a giant, wouldst thou come back after he evacuated? Or wouldst thou just be a pile of crap?"

-"You're not going to punish Mongo, are you?"
"No. Mongo is an innocent, but he must be handled more carefully... wait, is that a rabbit?! Where did he even get that?"
"He named it Carl."

-"We must take care Mongo commit no more atrocities."
"Yeah. Also, he's about to shit himself."
"Oh no! Take me away from here, please!"
"Oh yeah, I forgot that you're totally blind right now. Does that mean you're sense of smell is like augmented?"
"Oh god!"

-"Your mission here is done. Go in peace, to love and serve others. And fuck off."

-Vegomagus and the catboy were about to go when suddenly they hear weird TARDIS-noises, and find themselves in the Kirbyesque time-palace of the Time Dinosaurs!


"You mean Bolt-zero, right?"
"Yeah, but that's a zero at the end of your name."
"Hey, you're right! He should be called bolt-zero!"

-"Your son is Bolt-1, pronounced 'bolt-one'; so you should be bolt-zero"
"I AM BOLT-0!"
"Heh, we're pissing him off."

-"Look, we were busy doing stuff together. We don't want to go on a mission."
"It's not that!"
"He's just mad about the bolt-zero thing."

-"Are you with Captain Harry?"
"Aren't you violating the laws of time by bringing us here?"

-BOLT-0 has to explain to the Vegomagus that no, you can't use Time Dinosaur parts to summon regular dinosaurs.
"Which one?"

-"I'm trying to annoy BOLT-0 to get him to send us away faster."
"You know that you're probably just making it all take longer, right?"
"Hey, it worked when we did it with Jesus, right?"
"Yeah, true. Go Team Useless!"


-"So the Dimension Bugs are like... dimensions, and bugs?"
"we're getting used to this!"

-"BOLT-O could you write me a book about magic missile spells?"
"He can't write anything, he's just a giant head!"
"Maybe he has telepathic powers?"
"Maybe he has tiny robot hands??"

-"The Vegomagus and Catboy are comic relief in a party of comic relief."

"We know what you're up to, robot!"
"Yeah.  No deal. Here's where you say 'rats'."

-The rest of the PCs were in an interdimensional hallway with weird gravity, when suddenly they see two figures appearing out of nowhere.
"You realize that it's the catboy and the vegomagus."
"Ohhh. Fire!"

-"Why the fuck did Bolt-0 send you?"
"He thought you were all dead by now."
"He must be wanting to handicap us."
"They can work as cannon fodder, I guess."
"Yes, my porcupines can be cannon fodder!"
"You know he wasn't talking about the porcupines, right?"
"I know, I'm just trying to put up a good face to mask my hurt."

-The PCs move on to a vast grand hall, positioned with weird gravity perpendicular to their point of entry, that reaches down toward a huge energy web on one end, and a distant stone altar on the other end.

-"Vegomagus, do you have a fire spell?"
"No, but I can make light!"
"If I asked if you had a water spell would you try to lick me?"

-"I have a grenade. We could throw that at the web?"
"I could have a porcupine shoot quills!"
"You aren't helping your cause, Vegomagus."

-"So, are we supposed to destroy the web?"
"I don't know."
"BOLT-0 didn't actually tell us anything about how to end this!"
"BOLT-0 told us nothing!"

-"Do I see heat signatures from the web?"
"I forgot you could do that."
"With my cyber-eyes I can see heat, radiation, night vision..."
"But you can't see love."

-The giant energy-web is full of regular dimension bugs plus one really huge dimension bug.
"We should kill them."
"We should kill them in groups... to maximize the experience points we gain."

-"I could get Vizi's laser-sword and fly over to cut the web."
"That's assuming you could take my laser-sword!"

-"Hey Sami, can I wish for more wishes?"
"What? Do you think the Cleric is a genie or something?"
"But we can pay her for wishes!"
"No, that's not how clerics work."
"That was her old job!"

(how Sami's player imagines her)

-"I guess I'm going to shoot the web."
"Me too."
"wait, there's weird magical patches on the ceiling."
"Weird... how?"

-"Can you get me up there Heidi?"
"Me too?"
"Not with your porcupine."
"OK, I'll tell him to stay here."
"Now I just don't think I want to take you. The porcupine was just an excuse."

-"Are there any traps on the floor?"
A moment later, one of the PCs is hit by a spring trap designed to toss him into the gravity well leading to the web.
"Oh, wait, I guess there are traps."
"So, the catboy isn't really a thief at all, is he?"

-With Vizi on the roof (which has its own opposite gravity), the catboy shoots the patch nearest him and it comes to life, turning into a creature of pure darkness like the one that had almost killed Vizi back in gallery earlier.
"Oh shit!"
"Well, Vizi, you could always just step back and fall 60' down..."

-Heidi shoots at the blackness, and ends up hitting Vizi.
"I did 12 damage to him."
"Oh wait... does my deed die count?"
"In that case I did 16 damage to Vizi!"

-The 'darkblobs' try to hit Sami.
"I have Sanctuary!"
"Oh, right! Then it hits Vizi instead and drops him."
"Another Sanctuary casualty..."

-"Guys, help!"
"Don't worry, my balls are coming!"
"For fuck's sake, say Force Manipulation Balls!"

-Heidi grabs the darkblob enveloping Vizi and tears it in half.
"Yeah, I was pretty sure I was going to hurt Vizi too."

-While everyone else is fighting, Catboy starts putting makeup on.
"What the hell are you doing that for?!"
"To look better!"
"Imagine a cat. Now imagine a cat with makeup on. How the fuck does that look better?"


-Vizi gets enveloped by a darkblob again.
"Are you even trying to pull yourself off?"
"hehe, pull myself off!"
"You're trying but the darkblob has a very strong grip."

-"Doing another Force Manipulation, Vegomagus?"
"It's what's working for him, as much as anything ever works for the Vegomagus."
"That's generous of you."

-"If I had Magic Missile I'd be killing them all!"
"I don't think so, they're literally made of Darkness."

-"You hit for moderate damage."
"He's moderately successful!"

-"Yay, I'm only the second most useless party member!"
"It would be really hard to set the bar lower than the Catboy."

-The Vegomagus hits another darkblob with a Force Ball, killing it.
"You're getting dropped by Team Useless, darkblobs!"

-The regular darkblobs having been vanquished, the party ends up getting to the altar and facing the Boss darkblob. It turns out to be a darkblob version of Mu!
"What?! Why?"
"I'm going to fire a forceball at him, that would probably be cathartic!"

-"BOLT-0 never even told us what to do!"
"Bolt-zero told us nothing!"

-"Can Locate Object locate our reason for being here?"
"Can it locate my will to live?"

-The back wall behind the altar has a strange pattern of non-euclidian geometric designs.
"This seems to form into some kind of a planar gateway."
"So you're saying we should break it?"

-"OK, no one look at me while I cast this!"
"Why would we want to?"

-"Hey you guys, you left me way back here... is anyone going to pick me up?"

-"Heidi it's your turn to pick up the catboy."
"No way, its yours."
"You lose."

-"I wonder what Mongo is doing right now..."
"What the fuck makes you think about that at a time like this?!"

-The PCs go down a side-corridor and reach a room with a pit of trash. While investigating said trash, a real-life living Mu surprise attacks them!

-"Wait... Sami?! Is that you? My love you've come back to me!"
"Oh man it's an alternate timeline Mu..."
"Just a second, let me kill Heidi and then we'll finally be together forever!"


-The Vegomagus rolls a 1 on a spellcheck, and now the corridor has no friction.

-Vizi slips from the frictionless corridor and falls into the trash pile, on top of a bunch of "Boyz 2 Men" posters.

-This alternate-timeline Mu is a Thief, rather than a wizard. He hits Heidi for 3 points of damage.
"Oh no, Sami, quick heal Heidi, even though I'm way more damaged and you can't be bothered to heal me."
"Vizi is butthurt."
"Well, I was 12hp down and Sami said I was fine, but Heidi gets a paper cut and suddenly she rushes to save him."

-"What the fuck, Sami? Suddenly you're on Heidi's side? After all we've been through?"
"We need to kill this Mu and loot his body, quick."

-"Wait, Thief-Mu, what did your Heidi do to you?"
"He was a selfish asshole."
"Well yeah, but I mean, wasn't your Heidi a 'pacifist'?"
"No, he was a Libertarian."

-"so wait, you guys are from a different timeline than me?"
"I don't know this guy..."
"That's the catboy."
"And where's Laquanda?"

-"I guess our team was a lot better than your team, thief-Mu."
"Yeah, ours constantly fucked everything up."
"Oh, so about the same, then."

-"Sami, babe, will you take me back now?"
"Hell no!"
"But I'm your little Mu-Mu!"
"Fuck, he must have come from a really disturbing timeline."

-"We were in love! I gave everything to you. You seriously mean in this timeline we weren't in love? What about when you lost both your arms and I had to bathe you?"
"No, obviously! Look, arms!"
"Well, they grew back!"

-"I think we just need to find Laquanda. She was vital to our becoming a couple in the first place!"
"Man, now I really want to meet this Laquanda!"

-"Hey thief-Mu, can I take some of your posters?"
"Only the Vanilla Ice posters."
"Eww. What the hell, I take one anyways."

-They move on, taking Thief-Mu with them.
"Thief-mu is searching for traps, looking around carefully, he's acting like a proper thief. So it's a totally new experience for the catboy."

-"So were you and Heidi always enemies, Mu?"
"No, Heidi and I were kind of friends at first, then he read that Ayn Rand book and everything went to shit."

-"Wait, you guys call him Bolt-zero in your timeline?"
"Yes we do!"
"hehe, we're teaching thief-Mu wrong as a joke."

-The PCs find the key to the gateway, and end up facing the lair of the chief Dimension Bug Intelligence. It spews out these acid attacks, and Vizi takes massive damage. Heidi also takes a few points of damage.
"Sami, I need you!"
"Coming, Heidi"
"god damn it!"

-In the end, Vizi proves the hero, making a critical hit that doesn't do any damage but following it up with a second crit that kills the Dimension Bug leader.

-With the pocket dimension fading, BOLT-0 teleports the team out of there.
"We made it, Sami my love! And now I'm going to win you back, and make you love me again like---"
"He vanished!"
"Thank goodness."

-"At least I still have my vanilla ice poster!"

-"BOLT-0, return out to our timeline!"
"Wait, he still has to pay us!"

-No sooner have they returned, Anema kidnaps the catboy, teleporting the two of them away.
"While you were gone, the relationship between Anema and Fabritzio has not improved."

-"She has a crush on the catboy! We need to find them, quick!"

-The heroes rush off to try to find the catboy, leaving the Vegomagus (who is blind in the sun) in the hallway alone.
"Guys? Hello??"

That's everything for this session. Stay tuned  next time to see if the PCs can repair the relationship between the spirit of the Sun and the rebel biker-wight so they can finally get to the Crown of creation.


Currently Smoking: Dunhill Diplomat + C&D's Crowley's Best

(March 22, 2018)

There were more of these updates over on my blog. But I've now stopped doing them, because Bill the Elf has a Youtube Channel where he posts audio of our sessions!


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