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DCC Campaign Update: Because It's Venger

In our last session, the PCs had just arrived to the shantytown outside the massive spire known by locals (on the surface of the solar skyshield) as The Citadel, where they would now have to participate in a contest known as the Death Race 3000 in order to gain entry. They're doing all this because the Citadel seems to be the place where there's a transmat into the heart of the sun, from where they will be able to use the Sunstaff to reach the Crown of Creation and save G.O.D. from Sezrekhan, who has taken control and is slowly turning everyone in the universe into his zombified slaves.


-"It's a good thing someone is tracking time in this campaign, because I'm sure not."

-"What happend to Sami while I was gone?"
"Oh, yeah, she shat herself into a coma."
"Just like her player!"

-"The shantytown has a thriving economy based on the annual Death Race."
"So a lot like Punta del Este?"
"A more murderous Punta del Este, yes."

-"So wait, this is the 3000th Death Race?"
"Yup. You've come at an auspicious time."

-Sami awakens from her coma.
"Ohhh.. why didn't you just kill me?"
"We need a cleric."
"I'm sure that if you'd let me die, another cleric would have just suddenly appeared."

-"I look for somewhere to clean myself up.."
"Well, you're basically in Space-Calcutta here, so.."

-"I'm going to put on Ekim's Plastic Surgery mask."
"Ok, you now have a 9 Personality."
"Wow, you're a considerably less unappealing ex-hooker."

-The PCs start to wander around the shantytown.
"I'll stick with the group. I don't want to run into a blood vampire around here."
"So that is to say, a normal vampire?"
"Yeah, well, this party encountered a Fire Vampire first, so now to us those are the normal ones."

-The PCs start talking about what kind of vehicle they want to buy for the Death Race.
"Could we get one with like, a guy strapped to the front holding up our war banner?"

-Suddenly, the PCs spot the Vegan Wizard, who had last been seen running off in the labyrinth on Gebo. Somehow, he's ended up in the shantytown, and is apparently wandering around in a daze.
"So, should we help him? Or just leave him here?"
"Well, we do need a wizard."
"I'm a wizard!"
"We've got the Hippomagus, he's a wizard..."
"I'm a wizard!"
"But the Hippomagus might not be enough."
"I'm a wizard!!"
"Yeah, we need a second wizard, let's save him."
"Screw all you guys."

-"How did you even get here, vegan?"
"I have no idea. I don't even know where here is?"
"Have you got anything in your ass?"
"I don't think so.."
"We could check with my staff!"

-A suspicious looking lizard man shuffles up to the PCs.
"Hey, psst.. you want to buy dolphin?"
"...yes. Yes we do."
"Wait, you not city guard, no?"

-While a couple of the PCs go off with the sneaky looking dolphin-seller, the others go to a 'magic supply store', run by a forehead-ridged mutant looking a bit like a klingon.
"Can I pay for this with credits?"
"You wish for store credit? We do not give credit!"
"No, my credits, from my credit stick."
"No credit. Only cash."

-"What kind of money do you use here?"
"Do you also use gold?"
"We can take gold, yes."
"But you don't know about credits?"
"Credit? You want money-lender."
"No... but holy shit you guys we should always go to money-lenders! We should borrow money at every city we go to! I mean, since after all when we're done with it every city we ever go to is either destroyed or we can never go back anyways."

-"So do you sell scrolls here?"
"No, we sell supplies to make scrolls! Like this high-end vellum."
"Ohh, this one is bordered by little flowers. And this one is lavender-scented!"
"Dude, you're not in a magic shop at all, this is just a stationary store."

-"I wonder what the rest of the party is doing?"
"We're buying a dolphin!"

-"There are two dolphins in the warehouse; one is rather emaciated and is hanging from some leather straps. The other is relatively fat and soaking in a small pool of water that seems infused with a variety of herbs."
"I run my finger over the fat one and then lick it... yeah, it's pure!"

-"This one is for eating.. other is for, well, you know."


-"Wait, you are Death Racers?"
"We will be, tomorrow."
"Oh, so then you may want dolphin catapult!"
"Dude, this is getting out of hand."

-"Can we use this Dolphin-launcher for things other than dolphins?"
"Yes, large catapult can also launch dogs, small children, etc."

-"Do you have Dolphin explosives? Like, that we could put on the dolphin so he'd explode on impact?"
"You can stuff him with grenades!"
"The dolphin looks very nervous."

-"Hey, with my Animal Summoning, we could use the dolphin to create MORE dolphins!"
"Ok, so wait... we're actually doing this now, aren't we??"

-"I don't know what happened to you Heidi, maybe it's the rarefied air here, but you've really changed."
"Well, um, we could make sure the dolphin only does non-lethal damage."
"Too late for that now, dude. You've become one of us!"

-"I'm pretty sure that dolphin is sentient, and can understand us. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm still on board with this."

-"Man, I'm sure glad we haven't gotten totally side-tracked..."

-Having secured their plans to purchase assault dolphins, the PCs now move on to trying to hijack a vehicle. They settle on a cool-looking post-apocalyptic APV manned by a bunch of pirates.
"We want to buy your vehicle, captain."
"Yarr, this ship is not for sale!"
"It's an APV, not a ship."
"Maybe it's a land ship?"
"Narr, that's where ye're wrong, lad. It be a Sea-ship Of The Land."

-Heidi uses his Ring of Human Control to force the captain to buy the ship for 50gp. Then he tells the captain to lend him 50gp.
"Ok, so you've used 2HD to control the captain, out of 30, right?"
"Oh shit, never mind... as far as you know you have unlimited uses.. it was all a dream!!"

-The captain's crew realize something suspicious is going on. To stop them from all attacking, Vizi challenges the biggest one to a duel and cuts him to pieces with his light sabre.
The rest of the pirates run away.

-"Yarr, I'll lend you the 50gp, but the Death Race be cold at night..."
"We plan to get a dolphin..."
"That'll do."
"Wouldn't you rather have me?"
"Nar, there be no place for women at the sea."

-Heidi decides he'd better get rid of the legless captain, since he has to continually concentrate to keep him controlled. So he flies him out about an hour away in the middle of the wasteland, and dumps him there to die.

-Blitzkrieg and Space-Bear show up, and they got themselves a hovertank!

-"How did you get that??"
"I won it in a sabacc game, baby."
"of course."


-"Are we allowed to split our party into two vehicles?"
"That's what that random weirdo in the gas mask told us back in town, and he should know."

-"What are you going to call your hovertank, Blitzkrieg?"
"The Shaft-1"
"of course."
"Wait does that mean you never had a shaft before?"

-"What's your APV called?"
"Well, it was called the Lolipop, but we're going to rename it the Mammoth-1, on account of the huge mammoth skull in the front."

-Heidi flies back.
"Did you take care of the captain?"
"Yes. He's in a farm now, with a big field where he can crawl around with other legless captains and have fun."

-"We want to buy some dolplin explosives."
"OK, do you want your dolphin to be alive when he explodes?"
"Oh yeah, we need it to make dolphin sounds as it flies down on our enemies."
"Yes, plus his eco-location could help him target somehow."

-That night, Mu perfects his sleep-rune. When the Vegan wizard starts to annoy him, Mu puts him to sleep.
"That's a damn good spell."

-The next morning the PCs go and, having pooled their money, purchase their artillery-dolpin. The Dolphin salesman suggests that to smuggle him out of town to where they're parked, they hire his cousin who has a small cart and a giant-snail disguise for the dolphin.

-The city guardsmen are coming down the street. Nervous, Sami tries to cast Ackbasha's Sanctuary, which only draws their attention.
"You were casting some kind of spell, miss?"
"So what? Hey! I'm not allowed to cast something now? I know my rights! I thought this was America, man!!"


-They manage to distract the guards by claiming they saw someone disguised as other guards trying to sell a dolphin. They make it over to the vehicles, but Space Bear has serious reservations about their use of a projectile dolphin.
"Space Bear says the dolphin is sentient."
"How does he know?"
"Space Bear speaks dolphin."

-Blitzkrieg has to translate from Bear to Common, while Space Bear is translating from Dolphin to Bear.
"There are way too many NPCs in this group."


-They remember that the Vegan mutant can use his Animal Summoning and that when he does so the dolpins won't be sentient dolphins. He hopes.
"Cool. So do you need to cut a piece off the dolphin or something?"
"The dolphin looks very nervous."
"No, that won't be necessary."
"The dolphin looks relieved"
"OK dolphin, I just need you to shit in this cup!"
"Why, you sick fuck?!"
"Because its Venger!"

-Later in the day, a group of Space Vampires, from a rival Death Race team, come along.  The group is nervous, but they come in peace.
"We have come to offer an alliance, blah!"
"Can you give us some time to think about it?"
"Yes, we will come back in 10.. 10 hours! Ah hah haha!!"


-"I don't know, could these vampires double cross us?"
"Wouldn't a double cross hurt them?"

-"Guys, I think Mongo is petting the dolphin a bit too roughly"
"You have to pet him hard so he can feel it!"

-The pirates who the PCs stole their APV from try to ambush them on the streets of the shantytown. But Heidi first intimidates them and then recruits them. "You are my new crew. Look at me: I am the captain now!"

-For their first task, Heidi has his pirate crew go out and buy fireworks, fish (for the dolphin to eat), wooden stakes (in case the vampires double-cross them) and pirate hats.

-The Vampire crew come back to continue negotiating an alliance.
"I am Lord Dracul. These are my cohorts: Count von Count, Count Chokula, Blackula and Sidney Appelbaum."

-The Vegan is approached by a cat-humanoid, who claims he has items they might want. He wanders off with this total stranger, and Vizi goes along just in case. It turns out that the cat-people-gang are working with a stereotypical Mad Scientist (including the German accent).

-Heidi and Mu go looking for their missing team-mates. Some mental-control driven interrogation leads them to some tips on the cat-people, and Mu follows a cat-boy while psychically invisible. Unfortunately, he loses track of him, loses his invisibility, and can't find his way back to where Heidi was.

-The Mad Scientist drugs the Vegan and initially wanted to implant some kind of probe in the Vegan, but discovers that apparently the Vegan already has a probe in him, so instead he puts one in Vizi after drugging him with poisoned but delicious strudel.

-Mu gives up and heads back, but Heidi flies around and eventually finds Vizi and the Vegan, both nearly naked on a rooftop. They were robbed blind, and had been drugged to lose all their short-term memories of what happened.
They've lost their jetpacks, their armor, their weapons, their comms, their electro-spears, their light-sabres, and their dignity.

-"We're also missing Mu. Wait, let me rephrase that: Mu is not here. We don't miss him."

-They eventually find their way back to the cat hideout. Heidi breaks down the door.
"I'm here to weaponize dolphins and kick ass. And I'm all out of dolphin!"

-Heidi goes after the Mad Scientist, who had fled out the back while the group was dispatching the cat-people. But when he gets out flying he sees that the Mad Scientist tried to use a jet-pack, crashed it, and blew himself to bits starting a fire in the shantytown.

-Vizi uses his precognition on the scientist's lab, and gets a vision of himself getting implanted with a probe. He hears the scientist mention how the Vegan had a magical probe already, but that his 'client' would be pleased with Vizi getting probed.

-"Roman, I think they put something in me, not up my ass mind you. Also, the Vegan had something already inside him, which for sure was put up his ass!"
"Yup, you've got an explosive probe. Looks ass-implanted to me."
"No no, they used microsurgery. Only on me though, not on the Vegan, on him they totally implanted it anally"

-"well, I've managed to deactivate the probe, but the bad news is you still have a lot of explosives lodged firmly within your colon."
"...through microsurgery! On me, not the Vegan"

-Heidi managed to recover one of the light-sabers, a comm, and the cats had left behind some of the other armors and weapons. They also found some low-grade cybernetics, and some drugs, which are later identified as anasthesia, euthanasia drugs, and rohypnol.
"That explains the memory loss!"
"And the ass-probing!"
"Only the vegan, not me!"

-"The Vegan's probe is totally different. It seems to be magical, and it's in his chest cavity."
"Wow, that's so strange that they got it all the way up there through his ass, while they put one in my colon but not by that route!"

-"Guys, I can try to deactivate the Vegan's probe, but there's a slight chance he  might explode."
"We step back slowly... go ahead, Roman, do it!"

-"I'm going to take off all my armor and equipment to save in case I explode."
"That's incredibly grand of you given how obvious it is the rest of these assholes don't care whether you live or die."

-"Here, I'll give you a helping hand... I give the Vegan that cyber-arm I got from the lab."

-Roman fails to be able to disarm the magical probe in the Vegan, so they call on the Hippomagus to try dispel magic on it, with the help of the Sunstaff, which they briefly lend back to him. As soon as he manages to de-power the probe, they take it away again.
"But.. i was told i'd get to keep the staff?"
"You will, later."
"i'd like my staff back please..?"
"You guys realize that eventually he's going to snap and kill us all, right?"

-Sami heals the Vegan, but only on the condition that he's baptized (she had earlier suffered divine disapproval, and needed a new convert). She baptizes him by breaking a bottle of beer over his head.
"You know that kind of baptism is only what the Religious Fantastics do, right? It's not the normal way to baptize people..."
"It's now a tradition for me."

-"The good thing out of your shameful misbehaviour is that we learned we were being probed."

-That night, the party rests after an eventful day, knowing that the Death Race starts tomorrow. But late at night, they're woken up by their Pirate hirelings, altering the PCs to a very large horde of Sezrekhan zombies marching right for them!

That's it for today. Will the PCs actually make it to the Death Race next time? Will they be able to get closer to their quest? Or will they get distracted by more nonsense or yet another side-quest? And most importantly: will their projectile explosive-dolphin weapon work?

Stay tuned next time for the answers to at least some of these questions, we hope!


Currently Smoking: Lorenzetti half-volcano + Sutliff's Man's Best Friend

(November 17, 2017)

DCC Campaign Update: G.O.D. is my Pimp!

We're smack dab in the middle of the Death Race 3000!


-"On the hover-tank we have Vizi, Heidi, Blitzkreig Sakomano, and Space-bear."
"Yeah, the cool group! The other car has the nerds!"
"Man, it's bad when it's the GM saying that..."

-"It's kind of an ideal situation for you, when your GM forgets that your familiar even exists. Which is why I count on the rest of you guys to remind me of Mu's monkey-wizard familiar."
"That's what we're all here for, to inform on each other!"

-"I'm depressed so I go and pet a dolphin."
"The dolphin looks nervous."

-The road in the death race track leads right into, and out on the other side, of some kind of green basalt ziggurat-style pyramid.  After a brief debate about possibly driving around it, the PCs decide to go right in. The tunnel leads into a room with several corpses, a steel gate, and a couple of undead guards in vaguely aztec-esque gear.
While the Vegan and the Hippomagus debate over who should get to have the staff, instead of firing the APV's weapons at the guards, the guards rush forward and jump (quite athletically for undead) onto the APV roof.

-The Vegan and the Hippomagus are under attack! Mu casts magic missile.
"I fire all the missles at the zombie on the Vegan."
"Heh. You really want the Hippomagus to die, don't you?"
"You're lucky, Vegan, in that you're no threat to Mu, or to anyone."

-"For defeating the zombies, you all get 2xp."
"Just barely not enough for the Vegan to level!"
"No, actually, I won the xp award last time, so it's exactly enough for me to level up!"
"Hah, the GM intentionally wanted to leave you with 1xp to level."
"The vegan played his cards close to his chest. Well done."

-"I swear to god, Vegan, if you summon another porcupine Mu will never get to use that staff again!"

-"Why are you summoning another porcupine?"
"For protection!"
"What, is it going to dive in front of you, Bodyguard-style?"

-During the fight with the guards, a ghoul snuck into the hole in the hull of the Shaft-1, and attacked Vizi, paralyzing him. Heidi dispatched it, but Vizi lay there, paralyzed and ignored.
"Hey Heidi, so is Vizi dead or something?"
"Oh yeah, I forgot to check... Vizi, blink once for yes, twice for no."
"He can't blink at all!"
"He seems broken on so  many levels."
"Aren't we all?"
"I'm less broken."
"Being less broken than everyone else in the party doesn't mean you aren't still really broken."

-"The Hippomagus is of Lawful Boyscout alignment, but he's slowly shifting into Lawful Freak, thanks to you guys."

-The steel gate rose automatically when the zombie guards were dispatched, and they moved on into a larger hall with some strange menhirs and some more undead guards.
In the ensuing fight, one of the PCs misses a shot at an undead and instead hits a menhir, causing it to explode. When it does, a magical shockwave hits the party, and all of a sudden a bunch of them switch bodies with each other!
Mu switches with the Vegan, Vizi switches with Heidi, and Sami switches with Mongo!

-"Mu, my body is made of paper! Don't get hit!!"
"You really suck, Vegan."

-"I'm going to blow up another menhir! That ought to fix things."
"No wait!"
"too late."

-Naturally, this only makes things worse. Now Heidi is in Vizi's body, Vizi is in Heidi's, the Vegan is in Sami's body, Mu is in the Vegan's body, Sami is in Mongo's body, Mongo is in Mu's body, and Blitzkreig and Roman have switched bodies!

-"The Vegan is going to enjoy this! It's the closest he'll ever get to being inside a hot girl's body!"

-"Are you casting?"
"Yeah. Wait, I'm in the Vegan's body.. I spellburn!"

-"I'm shooting at another menhir!"
"No, you motherfucker!"

-Heidi keeps blowing up menhirs, causing more body switches and total chaos.

-"Maybe if I kill the Vegan's body I'll switch back?"
"No, don't do that. I don't think it will end well for any of us. Go against ALL your instincts and don't kill the Vegan!"

-"I was in Mongo's body for a while; did you know he was packing? Like seriously, now I know why he is the way he is, no blood is getting to his brain."

-The PCs come up with a plan. They back the vehicles away, and then just have three of the PCs in switched bodies go up and destroy a menhir, to see if it works out that at least one of them switches back into their own body.
"You'll have to carry me. I'm too weak to walk."
"Dude, even after Mu spellburned the Vegan's body, you have 3 Strength left. That's still enough to walk."
"I'm not talking about strength. I'm stuck in the Vegan's body; I'm talking about the will to live."

-After blowing up 4 menhirs, the Vegan is finally back in his own body, and Heidi is in Mongo's body.  The Vegan also notices that Heidi used a dagger to carve a penis on the vegan's arm.

-Unable to figure out how to open the next gateway, the PCs go on a side path, and run into a large undead humanoid with a massive sledgehammer. He charges the Lolipop and smashes its mammoth skull.
"Holy shit, what is that goddamn undead?!"

-After blowing up some more menhirs, using their previous strategy, only Vizi and Mongo are still switched.
"Huh. It's true that Mongo is packing, but I'm not sure if as much as Blitzkreig."
"Sakomano pleases all the ladies!"

-The room with the undead giant had a trapdoor. Heidi opens it to see if there's something of use, and finds that the pit below is full of zombies who try to rush out. Luckily, he manages to shut the trapdoor before they get through.
"Nope, nothing important down there."

-They go down the opposite path to another room, where there's three of the undead giants seemingly using some black sludge to make a new menhir.
"OK, magic-users get ready!"
"Oh, so now I'm a wizard, huh?"
"I didn't say wizard, Mu, I said magic-user."
"fuck you."

-The Hippomagus fires a barrage of magic-missiles in a rare show of competency, killing one undead-giant and badly injuring the other two. Then Mu fails his roll to finish them off.
"You had one job!"
"I told you we should have left it to the real wizard."
"Shut up!"

-After the giants are dispatched, they blow up the last column, finally switching Vizi and Mongo back into their own bodies, having both failed their saving throws to resist the body-switching effect.
"We succeeded by failing, as usual!"

-"Where's my fucking lightsaber, Mongo?!"
"Hey guys, did you see my fancy new lightsaber?"

-"The Hippomagus is so pathetic.."
"Shut up, Mu! He's your future!"

-They finally figure out that the gate they couldn't open rises when one of them touches it. Ironically, Mu had guessed this, but no one paid any attention to him.

-In the next chamber, the PCs face off with a minor demon that looks like a cross between the Chesire Cat and Longcat.
"Old memes are the best memes."

-The Hippomagus reacts to the Cheshire-Longcat's invisibility power by creating an anti-magic field, which he centers around himself, rendering him unable to cast any other magic.
"Why?! Why the hell would you do that? You know you're a wizard, right??"

-In mid-fight, Vizi touches the metal sledgehammer they got from one of the giant undeads (which turns out to be a hammer with a head made of solid mithril) and has a vision of the Wardens presenting the hammer to a trio of aztec-mummies.

-When the Cheshire-Longcat makes itself visible, the Hippomagus shifts the anti-magic field to the demon.
"There! See? Now it can't make itself invisible!"
"Huh. Ok, I guess you weren't so stupid after all."
"Wait, can spells affect it now? Can we hit it with magic missiles?"
"Well... no."
"Goddamnit you're an idiot."

-The Hippomagus annuls the anti-magic field.

-After blasting the demon to death, they move on to the final chamber, where they see a throne with what seems to be a corpse on it.
"I'm going to check it out you guys."
"Wait, I saw a vision of this, come back!"
"Suddenly, the 'corpse' stands up and looks at you with its dead eyes."
"Oh shit! I wet myself and climb back on the tank!"
"Are you tired of sucking, vizi?"
"Shut up you hippomagus-in-training!"

-The Hippo-magus and the Aztec-lich (who turns out to be a spellcaster) both get caught up in a Phlogiston Disturbance and vanish. Unfortunately, the Hippomagus was wielding the Sunstaff at the time.
"Oh shit."
"Well, there goes saving the world..."

-They wait for about an hour in the hope that the Hippomagus might return from wherever he came from. He doesn't.
"If he doesn't come back, everything depends on Mongo."
"Yeah, the mentally defective Ancient manchild who has no sense of self-preservation."
"We've faced worse odds."

-Rather than giving up, Sami prays for Divine Aid, and incredibly makes the roll, bringing the Hippomagus back! They'd both ended up in the Neutral-zone, where the Hippomagus managed to kill the Aztec-lich in magical combat. But he had no way to get back.

-"I hope this teaches you all an important lesson: keep your cleric safe!"
"I'm pretty sure if you died another cleric would show up to take your place."
"That's probably true.. I have a backup human."

-"Wait.. is G.O.D. your pimp?"
"What? No. Well, he does take all my money, he screws around with me by giving me stuff, but not always, and he randomly punishes me... shit! G.O.D. IS my pimp!"
"He even makes you get on your knees and worship him from time to time..."


-The party finally rides out of the pyramid, and continue on with the race. They soon run into a giant metallic snake-creature.
"I do NOT want motherfucking snakes on my motherfucking race!"

-"I have to say, the Death Race 3000 has been getting us a ton of XP."
"True. Whatever happens, we should come back next year!"

-After defeating the snake, the team rides on and runs into a strange looking giant holding a glowing cube.
"Vegan, you go."
"Why me?! Why  not the NPC musician??"
"We've already had that talk, dude. The musician is a more valuable member of this party."

-The Vegan reluctantly accepts the "challenge of the cube", which involves tossing the cube and suffering the utterly random consequence it generates. He vanishes!

-"Hey Sami, can you bring the Vegan back like you did the Hippomagus?"
"I don't know, I was extremely lucky that time. Anyways, why would we want to?"
"So he can do the stupid cube-challenge again."

-Sami actually tries to bring the Vegan back, but when she did it with the Hippomagus she'd gotten a natural 20. That isn't going to repeat itself.

-"Why don't we just kill the giant?"
"If we do that, the cube might vanish, and then we won't get the Vegan back."

-"Where did the cube send the Vegan?"
"He was sent either to a place of neverending pain, or neverending pleasure."
"So there's a 50% chance he's having eternal bliss? Now I want to bring him back."
"Yeah, that's a risk we can't allow."

-The remaining PCs now try to convince the Musician, the second most useless person in the group after the Vegan, to take up the Cube Challenge.
"Listen, if I do this, then I get to go live in the Citadel with you guys."
"Ok sure. Wait, 'live'?"
"Yes. The Wardens let the winners of the Death Race to live in the Citadel with them forever!"
"But, can they leave?"
"I don't know, no one has ever come back; we assume they're having such a wonderful time they would't want to leave even for a visit."
"Oh shit... the Citadel's a trap."


-"The Musician tosses the cube, it glows brightly, and he seems to somehow appear more experienced."
"Did the musician just gain a level?!"
"I'm a bard now!"

-Having won the challenge, the Giant offers the party the option of bringing the Vegan back. They agree, and he is drawn back to the material world from the demiplane of infinite bliss just before getting it on with 72 virgins.
"73, counting the Vegan!"

-"The vegan isn't a virgin, remember that old witch he had to sleep with after he robbed her, who he later murdered?"
"I don't talk about that!"

-"What's your name, musician."
"I'm Max. Now, I'm Max the Bard."
"Oh great, that's just what we need, another NPC."
"Says the NPC."

That's all for this session. Stay tuned next time for part three (the last part? Knowing this group, maybe not) of the Death Race 3000!


Currently Smoking: Stanwell Deluxe + Image Virginia

(december 9, 2017)

DCC Campaign Archive: Put his Torso Into the Dolphin Launcher!

We left off with our intrepid PCs about two-thirds of the way done the Death Race 3000.  Will they get to the end this session? Read on, gonzo-fans, and find out!


-"So just to review, it's Blitzkrieg, Space Bear, Vizi and Heidi on the Shaft-1?"
"Yes. And the nerds are on the APV."

-"So there's no Warriors on the APV?"
"No, like we said, the APV is full of nerds."


-"You realize at this point this fucking party has more NPCs than PCs in it?"
"Yeah, and you're not even counting Mu's monkey-wizard or the dolphin."

-"I would trade all of these NPCs for BOLT-0!"
"Hmm, but would you trade all the NPCs you have right now for BOLT-0 AND Priscilla?"
"Wow... I'd have to think about that."

-"What about keeping BOLT-0 and Roman?"
"I don't think those two should be in the same room together."
"Wait... we've never seen BOLT-O and Roman together..."
"Are you saying Roman is BOLT-0 in disguise?!"
"Well, that would explain a lot."

-"I'm summoning more dolphin ammunition, but I'm using dolphin poop for the summoning, so I might end up summoning fish instead."

-After summoning 24 fish, the Vegan is out of dolphin poop. Sami intimidates the dolphin into crapping itself again, and the Vegan finally summons more dolphins.

-Shortly after that, the party gets attacked by a group of leather clad bikers!
"There's also one guy dressed as a construction worker, and a guy dressed as an Indian Chief."

-"Vegan, what do you do?"
"I guess I'll go up top and fire."
"You feel sufficiently secure that these guys are wussy enough not to endanger you, don't you?"

-"Wait, if you do a dispel magic on me, Hippomagus, would there be a chance that my monkey-wizard familiar would be dispelled?"
"I say! I certainly wouldn't care to be dispelled, old boy. I'm having far too good a time!"
"Oh, that's nice, that someone actually enjoys my company!"
"Well, I think I'm magically required to like you."
"Although I do."
"Well, OK!"
"Though that's probably the magic talking, old bean."

-Having defeated the bikers/village-people, the party drives on. After a while, the party sees the dreaded Viking Long-truck up ahead. They're heading over to engage them when suddenly a rift opens up in space and a giant tentacle reaches down, wraps around the viking vehicle, crushing it, and pulls it up into the extraplanar space!
"Holy shit! What is that goddamn tentacle?!"

-The PCs pause, worried the rift will open up in the same spot if they proceed. The Hippomagus casts invisibility on the APV.
"Hey Blitzkrieg, are we invisible over here? Did it work?"
"Yeah man, you're invisible."
"Great... wait, are we really invisible or are you just saying that so we go first?"
"No, man, you're really invisible!"
"OK, but seriously, or are you fucking with us?"

-"We'll go first, and then the Hippomagus will come back and make the Shaft-1 invisible too."
"Hey wait, are we seriously going to send the Hippomagus back to them, with the sunstaff?"
"Oh shit, no. I'm just fucking with them."

-Without help from the Hippomagus, the Shaft-1 starts to drive under the rift.
"I'm going to fire, not really to hit anything but to try to hold back the tentacle."
"So, like, suppressing fire?"
"You miss.

-Blitzkrieg's quick reflexes get them past the tentacles.
"You assholes had to turn invisible, but we go through on pure Sakomano, baby."

-Next, they encounter a couple of nerds on a weenie-esque moped. They seem pretty hopeless but they soon start taking control of the vehicles with their computer!
Luckily, the Hippomagus is on fire this session, and he blows them away with magic missiles.

-"Those nerds were as dangerous as the giant tentacle, so you get the same amount of XP."

-After that, they run into a fancy looking bus manned by dragonmen, including some dragonmen mandarins with some powerful spellcasting chops. They blast the APV with two Lightning Bolts and a Fireball, and Mu is down!
"They're wizards!"
"No shit."

-"Don't worry, I have 19 Luck, I'll be fine!"
"Jesus, 19?! You're immortal."
"Ok, now..oh. I rolled a 20. I'm dead."
"God damn it you had one job!"
"Yeah, not to roll a 20."
"This is so awful! I loot Mu's body immediately."


-"Wait, what happens to the monkey-wizard?"
"He vanishes when his master dies."
"No! Not the monkey!"
"Aw, damn it. What are we going to do now??"

-"I'd like some healing please."
"Yes, but do something to stop these dragonmen you fat fuck!"
"I'm just big boned... this is a normal weight for a hippomagus."

-Vizi blows the dragon-bus' main gun away with a critical from the Shaft-1's secondary guns.

-The dragonmen wizards are still fighting, though. The Vegan Wizard shoots at them with the last of the Dolphins he'd conjured, but is now exposed and about to be blasted with fireballs.
"Quick, pull me back down!"
"I don't know how you're talking to, but no one is listening."
"Oh shit, I'm dying"
"You're pretty much already dead, you just don't know it yet."

-One of the dragonmen accidentally electrocutes himself while trying to cast lightning-bolt, and goes below-deck.
"You coward!"
"Don't tease them!"

-Finally, the shaft-1's guns manage to blow up the dragon-bus and the wizards.

-"Mu had very little loot."
"He died as he lived: worthless."

-"Man Hippomagus, you're whiny bitch. I bet you didn't have any friends on the High Council of wizards."
"....Fluffy the cat pretended to like me."

-"Cut off Mu's arms and and put his torso into the dolphin launcher!"
"Mu would have wanted to go that way."
"I'll do it! I can use my lightsaber."
"Good, thanks!"

-"That's still a better treatment that Mu is getting than what you did with Tonut's corpse; just leaving his body pants-less in the middle of the dungeon."

-They just fire the corpse at nothing!
"Why did you do that?! We could have used him against our enemies after stuffing his corpse with C4!"
"We did stuff his corpse with C4."
"You idiot! Now you wasted Mu AND the C4!"

-The PCs drive on to an area that seems filled with half-melted vehicles. Among these, they find 3 pathetic newbies.
"Should we kill them?"
"No, dumbass, they're Mu's replacement."

-The newbies consist of a Sky-Communist Dwarf, a Human wage-slave from some kind of Mega-corporate dystopia, and a catperson street urchin.
"Get in, motherfuckers, we're saving the universe!"


-Mongo takes an immediate liking to the catboy, picking him up forcefully and hugging him tightly and petting him too roughly
"blah blah blah blah George!"

-"we'll take the Dwarf on the Shaft-1. At least he can fix things."
"If only he could fix our moral values."
"Those are beyond repair."
"You can't fix what doesn't exist."

-The party soon finds out that this area of the race-track is routinely showered with acid rain! Before they can speed past it, the roof of the ATV is wrecked, along with the dolphin launcher, and the main and forward guns of the Shaft-1 are ruined permanently.

-"So what do we do with the dolphin now?"
"The dolphin looks nervous."

-It turns out the wage-slave worked in dolphin maintenance, and has some dolphin hormones on him.
"Do the hormones come with any kind of instructions?"
"No, they don't have any regulations in the megacorp zone."

-"I'm taking these hormones."
"But they're mine!"
"You'll be compensated eventually."
"I've heard that before!"
"There's no 'i' in team, you know."
"Yeah, I've heard that one too."

-The party is attacked by a couple of renegade time-dinosaurs! Luckily, or maybe unfortunately, the Hippomagus blows them up before they can do anything cool.

-The party is then attacked by a gang of flying sky-bugs! The Hippomagus, who has evolved from a bumbling amicable dweeb into a killing machine over the course of this race, blows a bunch of them to bits as well.
"You know you and I are friends, right Hippomagus?"
"Of course! You heal me. And I feel a lot more comfortable now that Mu is dead."

-"You can see the finish line at the end of a long stretch ahead."
"I preemptively cast Sanctuary."

-The party is suddenly swooped down upon by Giant Halcons! With both vehicles' roofs badly corroded the huge birds can easily tear the tops open and start attacking the delicious PCs inside. There's a short but vicious firefight, the birds are scared off, and the party gets across the finish line!

-There were several other teams that got across the line before the PCs did. But it was already established that this was not a 'first across the finish' contest. There is an obscure set of points-system calculations to determine who wins, in which getting across the finish early is good but not the sole factor. Things like defeating other racers, having entertaining fights, amusing the Wardens, capturing enemy vehicles, and looking cool were all important parts of the calculations.  The PCs end up with 96 points, which at the moment puts them in first place.  However, there's still several contestants which might yet make it across the finish, and could theoretically still beat them.
"Heck, those evil robots got 95 points, so there's every chance we might still lose."
"Hey evil robots, so much for being superior, huh?"
"Illogical! Illogical!"
"That one's literally sparking."
"Hey no hard feelings guys, or really any feelings at all."

-The other teams that manage to get through, though some of them come close, don't manage to beat the PCs' score. They are the Champions of the Death Race 3000!
"Hooray! Now we can fall into the Wardens' obvious trap..."

-"Did any of those pirates I hired survive?"
"Apparently not."
"Mission accomplished!"

-The catboy helps the rest of the PCs sell some of the loot they'd accumulated.
"Thanks to the catboy, we made 8000 quatlums."
"Should we give him some?"
"Yeah. Hey catboy, here's 20 quatlums for your troubles. Don't spend them all at once."

-Blitzkrieg and Space-bear let the party know this is as far as they go. They're not interested in whatever the Wardens have in mind, and their place is in the skies, so they're going to try to gamble their way into getting a new ship to fly out of here and back down to the upper skies.
"Also, because there are too many NPCs."

-That night, there's a huge, almost city-wide party in the PCs honor as the victors of the Death Race 3000. Most of the PCs only participate in moderation, but the catboy gets seriously drunk. Sometime in the night he gets stabbed, but survives.

-Heidi also went crazy with the partying, and wakes up the next morning with a sky-klingon woman named "Dorma". Apparently she and Heidi "blood-bonded" that night (which doesn't seem to mean sex, but rather having cut each other with knives or something), and they had sworn to overthrow the Wardens and take over the Citadel.
"Great! ANOTHER NPC. Just what we need."

That's it for today; in the next session, the PCs will be entering the Citadel. They're pretty sure the whole thing is a set up, since there's a way too convenient story about how the winners get to live long lives of pleasure in the citadel and it's all so wonderful that none of them ever return.
But what will they really find in there?
Stay tuned to find out!


Currently Smoking: Blatter Diplomat + C&D's Crowley's Best

(December 29, 2017)

DCC Campaign Update: Chocolate Jesus is Their Hippomagus

In our last session, the PCs had won the Death Race 3000! They were about to enter into the Citadel of the Wardens, which held the gate into the heart of the Sun, their most likely route to get to the Crown of Creation and to rescue G.O.D. from Sezrekhan.
That was four weeks ago, because we didn't play over new year.


-"Look, I'm over 40, it's been over four weeks, and I did a shitload of drugs in my early 20s. I could have murdered a prostitute 4 weeks ago and not remember it."
"I know how you could get blood stains off your clothes"
"Jesus Christ, Bill's player!"

-"I need to get some thief tools."
"You know a place called Chazob's Thief Tool Emporium. It's run by a mutant guy who looks like a baseball mascot. Or maybe it's just a regular guy in a baseball mascot outfit."

-"The high-tech thief tool kit includs a sonic screwdriver, sonic hammer, sonic grappling hook, well, sonic everything, basically."

-The Catboy decides to go with the modern-tech kit, that includes a multi-tool, a grappling-hook gun, and a makeup kit for disguise purposes.
"What the hell is he going to disguise himself as, other types of cats?!"

-"You notice how every shopkeeper who deals in illegal goods has a vaguely Eastern European accent?"
"So like a gypsy?"
"I guess."
"It could be worse, he could have gone full George Lucas."

-"A thief needs good tools."
"Hey, look at me, I began as simple Eastern-European stereotype, and now see what I've become!"

-"If I have one complaint about this campaign, it's that there hasn't been enough King of Elfland lately."
"he's like this campaign's More Cowbell!"

-When the PCs get together, they find out about Heidi's new girlfriend, Dorma the warrior-woman pseudo-klingon, who plans to slaughter the Wardens and take over the Citadel.
"Did you just proposition me?"
"I would shatter your pelvis, little man!"

-"I am your partner of blood, in every respect. I have thrown the ritual Heavy Objects at you! We are sworn to take the Citadel and bathe in the blood of the Wardens."

-"Vizi stop trying to show my partner your light-saber!"

-"Dorma, we're not actually trying to take over the Citadel, we're trying to get to the Sun."
"You wish to destroy the Sun? I am pleased! Since ancient times, my people have had but one great wish: to destroy the sun!"
"We don't want to destroy the Sun!"
"Yeah, we want to kill G.O.D.!"
"You do? I have chosen my mate wisely!"

-"Hey guys, where's the dolphin at?"
"We left him behind in the ATV."
"The one we sold?"
"He'll be fine."

-The PCs walk down the great thoroughfare surrounded by cheering crowds, in a scene vaguely reminiscent of the end of Star Wars.

-Along the way, Heidi steals a trombone from a musician, and gives it to Max the Bard.
"Now I'm truly ready!"

-The Wardens appear. They're big-headed 1960s-sci-fi style psychic aliens.

-"Hey Wardens, see that pseudo-klingon woman? She wasn't with us!"
"Then she is expelled!"
"I will kill you, little man!!"
"Hey! You made the Wardens telekinetically eject my mate!"
"It was a bad match, Heidi."

-"The catboy was totally with us though. He's Mu."
"I am not!"
"He's Mu's buddy, Meow."

-The PCs enter the Citadel and find themselves in a completely barren white room, the Wardens standing above them ominously.
"We do congratulate you, champions, on winning the Death Race, but our immortal lifespans are long and boring, fulfilling our sacred duty..."
"He said doody!"
"Can you let him finish?!"
"That's what Sami said!"

-"You have ascertained by now that the promise of a long life filled with pleasure was a trick. We intend to use you for our amusment."
"Oh crap, you're not going to have sex with us, are you?"

-"Are you going to use us to fight with past champions?"
"No, they are all dead. We go through champions too quickly, unfortunately."

-"Look, we are here to kill G.O.D. in the Crown of Creation."
"That is forbidden!"
"Hug G.O.D.; I meant to say we are going to HUG G.O.D."

-"We are the Wardens. We guard the gateway to the Heart of the Sun!  We will investigate these claims you have made about Sezrekhan taking over the Crown of Creation, and the menace he represents, and consider whether we could permit you to travel into the Heart of the Sun to deal with the crisis. But WHILE we consider, we want you to amuse us with a great challenge we have created for champions."
"Why should we?"
"We have placed a magical artifact that can raise the recently dead in our special track."
"Ok, we're in."

-"So I guess we're really doing this? We're doing another fucking side quest?"


-"I didn't want to go into the core of the sun anyways; I bet its hot."
"You'd be OK, you have fur!"
"How does that make any sense?! That's even worse!"

-"You are all being sent to the Death Zone, where our new contest is ready for you!"
"Can't we go somewhere nicer?"
"Don't worry, it's just a name.. it's not really Zone."

-The PCs arrive at the start of the Death Zone, in some woods.
"I hide"
"Because I'm a thief!"
"He's also a cat."
"And a coward"
"I'm all three!"

-"Even the Hippomagus is making fun of you, that's a new low!"

-"I'm going to climb this tree!"
"The catboy should get a bonus to climbing trees, but then be unable to get back down!"

-Heidi checks out the view from the air: he sees the woods branch off into two areas: a glowing wasteland of radioactive ruins, and a barren badland full of geysers steaming with noxious gases. Beyond both is a large lake of fire.

-"For a 'death zone' there's surprisingly few dangers in these woods."
"Maybe we're going to die of boredom?"
"I think the Wardens are truly shitty at making adventures."

-The tree at the intersection in the woods is moving. It's a Trent!
"I fly away."
"Hey, where are you going, asshole? I'm here to give you a warning! It's all I exist for!"

-"The two paths in the woods lead to terrible dangers."
"Yeah, a radioactive ruin and poison wasteland. I saw."
"So you know you're doomed either way!"
"No, we can just all fly over them."
"...You know, you're all a bunch of real assholes! Anyways, the one with a jetpack could fly away, but your companions will all die!"
"No, I can just fly them over one by one."
"Well fuck, why do I even exist then?!"

-"I'm already a mutant, what could happen if I went through the radiation zone?"
"Famous last words."

-"I'm a vegan mutant, so I'm already mostly vegetable."
"Truer words have never been spoken."

-"So a talking moving tree is a Trent?"
"Yes. To avoid copyright."

-"Wait, is 'the Hippomagus' your name, or title?"
"I took on that name when I became a wizard."
"What was your real name?"
"I'd rather not say please."
"Alright, now you have to tell us!"
"I bet your real name was Hungry-Hungry!"

-"We'll camp out here tonight."
"I'll sleep by the Trent."
"Don't try to fuck the trent, dude!"
"I just want to sleep with nature!"
"Sami knows all about that!"

-"You know, the Wardens are probably watching and listening to us..we should stop talking about how much this scenario sucks."
"Oh, yeah. Man am I feeling adequately challenged by this dumb adventure!"

-"OK, let's get to this."
"he said doodies!"

-That next morning, the Hippomagus remembers he can cast Fly, so he does so and the whole party gets across the badlands in one go.
"We are soo challenged right now!"

-Searching for the object, the Vegan rolls a '1' on Detect Magic and ends up growing goat hooves.

-"The Vegan should try again."
"Why me? The cleric also has detect magic!"
"Yes, but the cleric is a valuable member of our party."

-The Pcs land in a small strange alien wood before the lake of fire. There, they encounter a Shrub-Ent with a scottish accent.
"If ye seek the object that will win the death zone, ye must cross the lake of fire. But beware! Its infested with Fire Sharks!"
"Do you have any treasures, shrub?"
"I'm a fucking shrub, what do ye think!? Boy, ye might be retarded."
"He is. It's the lack of protein."

-Avoiding both the lake and the fire-sharks by flying again, they arrive at a metal island in the middle of the lake. They find that in the middle of the Island there's a kind of hollow mountain, where supposedly the life-giving object is guarded by an Ettin, who is also made out of metal.
"Fuck's sake, it's like the Wardens are a 15-year old GM who's played too much RIFTS!"

-They encounter the Ettin, a two-headed metal giant, who is zealously guarding a metal mini-fridge. The Ettin apparently has a keen sense of smell.
"Fee Fi Fo Fum.. I smell the blood of a catperson!"

-In the ensuing fight, Sami dives on the mini-fridge to try to scoop it up, but finds it's bolted to the ground and she takes a nasty tumble.

-Max the bard plays the trombone during the fight.
"He's helping!"
"No, he's revealing our location! We were invisible, you idiot!"

-Vizi empties an entire clip of his automatic rifle, without hitting a damn thing.
"Suppressing fire!!"

-The Hippo-Magus, who is clearly improving as an adventurer session-by-session, kills the Ettin.

-It turns out the island has other defenders: a bunch of satyrs with explosive apples!

-Heidi shoots the bag of apples one of the satyrs is carrying and blows him to smithereens.

-Vizi empties yet another clip, once again not hitting a damn thing.

-They finally beat the satyr-bombers.  Heidi is now 1xp from leveling up.
"He's in the danger zone!"

-The magical object turns out to be a "yogurt of revival". Apparently, when given to the recently dead, it may bring them back to life.

-Their mission completed, the PCs are transported back into the white room.
"Wow, Wardens, that was a really hard quest! I got a nasty paper cut here."
"I think I got the flu."
"the catboy lost the ability to hide!"

-"We have been considering your situation. We were created by the ancients to make sure no one unauthorized could pass into the Heart of the Sun."
"Wait, though, Mongo is an ancient! Tell them to let us through, Mongo!"
"There appears to be... something wrong, with your Ancient."
"No there isn't! He's just fine the way he is!"

-"Very well... we have no option but to let you pass, for we have been ordered to do so from an Ancient. Though we're pretty sure this was NOT what the Ancients really had in mind!"
"Tough shit. This is what you get for being Lawful Freaks!"

-"I only need 1 xp to level!"
"Kill the catboy."
"He's worth 0 xp."

-The PCs oblige the Wardens to give Max the bard the lifetime of pleasure that they had promised in the Death Race, since he has no interest in going with them into the Sun.

-"Hey Wardens, do you have anything that could make me smarter?"
"There are some things even beyond our great power!"
"well then, just give us a bunch of good shit!"

-"Could you guys remove this gem from inside my chest without killing me?"
"We can attempt it, though there is a risk you will die."
"Go for it"
"What? No! I don't consent!"

-"You guys can just make things out of thin air, right?"
"Basic elements, yes."
"We want cash!"
"We cannot create credits."
"What about platinum?"
The Wardens create a small mountain of platinum tokens.

-"How are we going to carry all this?!"
"I could empty my waterskin."
"We're going into the Sun. We might need water!"

-The Vegan asks the powerfully-psychic Wardens to erase Ekim's Mystical Mask from his mind. They read the Vegan's mind and are horrified. One of them vomits.


-The wardens also remove the C4 Vizi had implanted inside him.
"It was put in my chest or something."
"No. We have detected the C4. It is in your colon."
"Sure, but it was put in there through my chest."
"No, it was clearly inserted via your anus."
"That's OK. It's still better than when Mu was raped by ghosts."

-The Vegan just wants something, anything! Thus, he ends up blowing thousands and thousands of platinum pieces in sacrifices used by Sami to attempt (and fail) to use Divine Aid to restore his stamina.
"You should have known, when you bet on G.O.D. the house always wins!"
"G.O.D. was hungry!"
"G.O.D. doesn't love you, vegan."

-"We warn you heroes, the Core of the Sun contains special guardians."
"Special... like Mongo is special?"

-Heidi gets the Wardens to remove the Geas placed on him by the demon of the monolith removed; incredibly with no consequences to him as he succeeds at three consecutive saves!

-The Vegan still desperately wants to get something good out of his time with the Wardens.
"Hey, could you guys do psychic surgery to put those cyber-eyes we got in the slums in the Vegan?"
"Yes, but he may go blind!"
"DO IT!"

-"Wait, instead of replacing his real eyes, can you put them on the sides of his head?"
"No, how would that even work?"

-The Cyber-eye surgery fails!
"Apparently, just plucking out your real eyes with telekinesis and then trying to shove the cyber-eyes into your sockets didn't do the trick."

-The now-blind Vegan spends all his remaining share of the platinum on the cleric to use Divine Aid to try to get his eyes working. It fails.
"Man, now he's blind and broke!"
"And vegan!"

-Strangely, Sami feels pity for the Vegan, and makes use of some of her own money, and finally succeeds at activating the cyber-eyes. Unfortunately, the operation had also had the effect of leaving him alcoholic. So now he's an Alcoholic Vegan Psychic Cyborg Wizard.

-The whole drama with the Vegan done, the PCs are transported into the Heart of the Sun.
"It's very bright in here!"

-The light and heat, in spite of there being an obvious magical barrier protecting the PCs, is intense.
"Because of his infrared systems in his cyber-eyes, the Vegan is effectively blind right now."

-The PCs encounter the guardians of the heart of the sun: the Jesus Patrol!
There's Historical Jesus, Republican Jesus, Sweet Baby Jesus, Black Jesus, Chocolate Jesus (he's not black, he's made of chocolate), and a Mexican guy named Jesus.
"We are the guardians of the Sun!"
"Yo no se porque estoy aqui. Creo que hubo algun tipo de error?"

-"Hey Black Jesus, do you know a guy named Blitzkrieg Sakomano?"
"What the fuck, dude, you think we all know each other?!"

-"What we really need right now is Tech Support Jesus."


-"You guys, I think Chocolate Jesus is their Hippomagus."

-"Historical Jesus will go and consult your presence with the Heart of the Sun. But I warn you, the Heart of the Sun has not really been herself since that thing..."
"Wait, the Heart of the Sun is a woman?"

-"the Spirit of Sun is a stunningly impressive female figure made of pure fire!"
"Well, hello there!"

-Apparently, the Spirit of the Sun has lost the 'transit orb' which is needed to use the gateway to the Crown of Creation. It was stolen by an ex-boyfriend named Fabritzio.
"I.. I just make terrible choices in relationships."

-"Where is Fabritzio?"
"Well, the last time I met him was on the surface of the world. But that was a few hundred years ago so who knows?"
"A few hundred years ago? Oh shit, he's probably dead!"
"Oh, that's right. I forgot that humans live for such a short time..."
"So he was a human?"
"Yes. At least I think so. You mortals all kind of look alike to me."
"So what was special about this guy that made you fall for him?"
"He was cool and rode a bike."

-The PCs agree to help, and after the Spirit of the Sun changes shape into a non-fiery form, she teleports them all down to the surface, to the last spot she'd seen Fabritzio.
It turns out to be the Zombie Empire.

And on that bombshell, we ended the session! Stay tuned next time to see if the PCs manage to recover the 'transit orb' and get back to the mission at hand!


Currently Smoking: Lorenzetti "A" + Peterson's Old Dublin

(january 27, 2018)

DCC Campaign Update: Your Face is Flammable

In our last adventure, the PCs had made it into the Heart of the Sun. There, they learned that the Spirit of the Sun had lost a 'transit orb' which is essential to getting them to the Crown of Creation.  The orb was apparently taken by a former-boyfriend of hers named Fabritzio.  The party, along with the Spirit of the Sun in human form, teleported down to the surface, to the last place she had seen her former lover.  It turned out to be the Zombie Empire.


-"I'll be eternally grateful to you Sami, for restoring my vision."
"Yeah, we'll see how long that lasts."

-You know you're in the Zombie Empire because the zombies can talk.
"What are they saying?"
"Good question. They're saying 'run! Run for your lives!'"
"At us?"
"Well, to each other but they're running toward you, not away from you..."

-It turns out the normal zombies are running from a big herd of Sezrekhan Zombies, most of whom are also zombies, but some are not.
"How many of them are there?"
"How far away are they?"
"About 200 feet and closing."


-"Run, Livings! Run for your lives! The zombies are coming!"

-"Ironically, the Zombie Empire seems to be suffering the early stages of a Zombie Apocalypse."

-"Hey, Sun!"
"My name's Anema."
"Ok, whatever. Can you destroy all of them?"
"I could destroy ALL of this, as in everything for hundreds of miles around."

-While the PCs are trying to figure out what to do, a big rift in space appears and a fancy-looking skyship comes crashing down out of the sky, flattening a good portion of the Sezrekhan Zombies in the process.

-"I'm hitting on the Spirit of the Sun."
"What's your Personality, catboy?"
"...oh, shit."

-"That catboy is like a living meme of a cat just about to knock a glass off the table..."

-Heidi picks up a non-sezrekhan zombie with his jetpack, rescuing him.
"Thank you for saving me!"
"We're looking for Fabritzio, where is he?"
"I don't know sir, I'm but a humble zombie beggar"
"Eww!" (Heidi immediately drops him back into the sezrekhan-zombie herd)

-"do you guys have anything flammable we can use against the sezrekhan zombies?"
"Well, your face is flammable, Sami.."

-Everyone is now flying in the air, out of reach of the sezrekhan zombies, except for the Vegan.
"Help me, guys!"
"Sorry, I'm busy."
"I'm Vizi!"
"I just don't want to!"

-"Where's Fabritzio?"
"The rebel leader? He's going to be executed!"
"Oh damn."

-Some of the PCs head to the crashed skyship, which is now surrounded by Sezrekhan-zombies. A guy in a sleek 70s-esque space-suit climbs out.

-"Hello chaps, I'm from the future. I'm here to help!"
"Wait, are other people trying to make us fail?"
"Yes, but I have to be careful what I say, I can't alter the past."
"But you're here!"
"I'm here to preserve time!"
"Fucking time travel."

-"What about the Time Dinosaurs, did they send you?"
"No. They're mine sworn enemies!"
"That's it. We should kill this guy."
"No, wait, there are rebel time dinosaurs, remember?"
"The rebels might be the real time dinosaurs!"

-"Man, I hate time travel!"
"Yeah, I envy Mongo right now."

-The space-man from the future is named Captain Harry.
"Can you prove you're from the future AND on our side?"
Captain hairy whispers something into Roman's ear, which makes him seem surprised.
"He's definitely from the future, and on our side!"

-"We don't even know if Roman is on our side!"
"What do you think Harry told him?"
"Maybe he knows what Roman really is?"
"What do you guys even mean? I'm your dear old Uncle Roman!"

-"I still say we kill him."
"No, we should trust him."
"I think he looks kind of cute!"
"Anema, you and I need to have a serious talk. You have a problem."

-"The catboy keeps hitting on Anema... how furry is the catboy anyways?"
"He's you-sick-fuck level of furry."

-The party still needs to find Fabritzio. All they know is that he was apparently some kind of anarchist rebel-leader and the forces of the Zombie Empress have captured him and plan to execute him. Roman thinks the party ought to kidnap people and get more information.
"You just want to torture someone!"
"No, I just think that since we've got the Last Ancient AND the Spirit of the Sun with us, we may need to have a more sophisticated plan than just 'throw grenades on the roof'"
"Shit, remember when 'let's throw grenades on the roof' was the new low in our party?"
"Man, a lot of water has passed under that bridge."
"Throwing grenades on the roof seems downright intricate by our current standards"

-Captain Harry was a fighter pilot for the Sky Wizard Air Force.
"Wait, are you a wizard, Harry?"
"No, I'm not."
"The Hippomagus was hugging the Sunstaff more tightly when he thought you were."

-The PCs head to the capital, and finally (against Roman's advice) decide to just present themselves to the city guard.
"Who are you Livings?"
"I'm a member of the High Council of Wizards."
"...are you a hippo?"

-"I notice you are all Living."

-"So you can all fly?"
"Except the Vegan."

-"Are there Vegans in the future, Harry?"
"They've gone extinct."
"Wow. He really does come from a utopia!"

-Fabritzio was the leader of a rebel motorcycle gang called the Wight Knights.
"Wait.. the White Knights?"
"No, the Wight Knights."
"Man, that sounded bad until you figure out how it's spelled."

-"So Fabritzio is a wight?"
"And you didn't notice this, Anema?"
"You all look alike to me."

-After much discussion, Heidi bribes the captain of the city walls with a diamond (courtesy of Harry). As soon as they get to the palace, he squeals on the captain for taking a bribe, and as a result gets himself and Harry arrested for bribing a city guard.
"Goddamnit, I told you this was a stupid plan!"
"No, wait, they'll be taken to where Fabritzio is held."

-Sami takes to using the decanter of endless water as a spray bottle to keep the catboy from hitting on Anema.

-The Vegan, eager to get a replacement spell to Ekim's Mystical Mask, asks the Hippomagus if he'll take him as his apprentice. The Hippomagus is overjoyed.
"No one ever wanted to be my apprentice!"

-Heidi and Harry find Fabritzio in the palace dungeon, but Fabritzio has no memory of the Spirit of the Sun.
"You don't remember? You stole something from her."
"Hey! I steal nothing from the women, except for their hearts.. and their souls, of course. The heart metaphorically, their souls literally."

-"Can you prove you're the Fabritzio we're looking for? If you can, we'll help get you out of here."
"How can I prove it?"
"Tell us who Anema's father was."
"Probably some asshole!"
"He's not technically wrong."

-"Hey guards, I think we've got the wrong Fabritzio here, you can let us go now!"

-Meanwhile, the rest of the party has been put in more comfortable guest quarters while the Zombie Empire decides what to do with them.
"Do Vegans drink wine?"
"As long as it's free-range cruelty-free wine."

-The Hippomagus takes some time to teach the Vegan.
"The most important thing is to loudly announce the spell you're about to cast!"
"Are you teaching him wrong on purpose?"
"I'm teaching him as I was taught!"
"Who was your teacher?"
"The Rhinomagus!"

-"Wait.. am I turning into the Hippomagus?"
"Don't worry, you already were anyways."

-Heidi tries a classic escape attempt, feigning a fight with Harry, but it doesn't work.

-After Heidi's escape attempt, the palace guards come to arrest the rest of the party for rebellion. The zombie guard make their first mistake when they try to disarm everyone.
"Nobody takes my staff!!"
"Oh shit!!"

-All hell breaks loose when the Hippomagus attacks. The catboy hides under a couch, badly.

-The Hippomagus goes apeshit, the guards run for their lives, and the Hippomagus clings to his sunstaff.
"My precious!"

-"Great, just what we need, another place where we're the enemies of the state."

-The whole palace is in high alert. Down in the dungeon, the guards are barricading the stairs.
"If they get down here, we kill the terrorist."
"Just to check, that's Fabritzio, right? Not us?"

-"I hope this means your friends are trying to get us out."
"Friends is a very strong word.."

-The party upstairs starts trying to fight their way down to the dungeon. They run into a troop of 20 guards.
"I'll empty my clip at them."
"Vizi, you know that never works."
"Hey look, Vizi hit 19 out of 20 of them!"
"Holy shit.. that's shockingly effective."

-Mongo joins the battle, throwing an ancient bust at one of the guards. Then an ornate antique vase. He misses both.
"I think Mongo isn't really trying to fight, he's just happy destroying priceless artifacts."

-The Zombies are backed up by elite Wraith guards! Mongo throws a priceless faberge egg at one.

-"Mongo is injured, I'll try to heal him. He's neutral, right?"
"What makes a man turn neutral?"
"In Mongo's case? Retardation."

-Mongo finds Dracula's Spear, snaps it in two, and then throws both pieces at zombies.

-"It's the vegan's turn."
"I have literally nothing left to attack with. I'm morally broken."
"You were always morally broken."

-"Catboy, you're a waste of oxygen. You're worse than the Vegan, at least he fails!"
"I don't even try!"

-"The catboy at best might attract attacks."
"It doesn't look like it."
"He looks so harmless no one even bothers."

-The party keeps being attacked by successive waves of Zombies and Wraiths. The Hippomagus goes down, but he's still alive.

-Anema can't help much without destroying the entire kingdom and everyone in it (including the PCs), but she does shift into fire form in the hopes of scaring the undead.
"It didn't work, but I look better like this!"

-The Hippomagus drops for the second time (still alive though) as 15 more zombies arrive to attack! Things are not going well.

-The Vegan, the catboy, and the Hippomagus (for the third time) all fall. The Vegan and the Catboy both survive (astounding everyone, since neither have decent luck), but the Hippomagus is dead!

-The PCs try to use the Yogurt of Revival to save the Hippomagus, but sadly it fails.
"It was probably past its expiry date a few thousand years."

-The party finally rescuses Heidi and Harry, and frees Fabritzio, and Anema teleports everyone back to the Sun.
"Can you Jesuses heal us?"
"It's Jesi, plural."

-"Can you resurrect the Hippomagus?"
"What, you think we can raise the dead?!"

-"the Hippomagus is dead? Oh shit.. shit, this is bad. He wasn't supposed to die.. yet."

-Fabritzio remembers Anema, but he still has no clue about the "transit orb".  It takes everyone quite some time to finally figure it out: the "transit orb" is Anema's soul. Fabritzio was surprised Anema was still alive and not undead, because he'd drained her soul.

-This development means that Anema and Fabritzio need to act in harmony to open the path to the Crown of Creation.  Killing Fabritzio would just mean that they could never get there from here. And both parties must be willing to open the gate of their own free will, in harmony.
"Does in harmony mean they need to have sex?"

-Anema is interested in hooking up with Fabritzio, but he's very reluctant, weirded out by the whole situation. It doesn't help that Anema is coming on way too strong and getting all clingy. Sami takes Anema aside and tries to get her "woke".

-Captain Harry takes Heidi aside. He's deeply concerned that without the Hippomagus, the PCs will all die in the Crown of Creation and fail to stop Sezrekhan.
"I think there's something we might be able to do. I know the location, at this point in time, of a very powerful chaos-sword that's capable of slaying a Daemon. It might be able to give us a chance."
"So, why are you tell me this, specifically?"
"Well, Heidi, because... you're my grandfather."

And on that bombshell, our session ends. Stay tuned for next session, when the PCs will undoubtedly be off to another side-quest while Anema and Fabritzio undergo couples counselling.


Currently Smoking: Ashton Old Church Rhodesian + C&D's Crowley's Best


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