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RPGPundit:
DCC Campaign Archive: I Plea-Bargained Them Down From Feces




In our last session the PCs had found themselves an ancient (albeit a mentally deficient one). But they were still inside the Brain-Eater-infested ancients' complex. The question now is whether they can get out without killing their prize.

Now:

-"The Ancients we get are never actually competent examples of their grandeur. First we found a little child, and now a mental defective."
"The next two will probably be a sexual deviant and then a vegan."

-"Well, it's not like any of our PCs were ever competent!"
"huh... truly we ARE created in their image!"

-"The Dwarves are kind of competent!"
"Yes, they're a very intelligent people, and if the Dwarven Holocaust hadn't completely fucked them up they'd be great. But as it is..."
"Well, it was only a short holocaust!"
"Bad pun, man."

-The canyon wall collapses on Sammi while she is still inside the skyship.
"should we try to rescue her?"
"...nah."

-"Do you think the Brain Eaters will be trying to find Mongo?"
"Let's hope his stupidity buys us some time."

-Vizi climbs to the other side of the canyon, and gets a vision of Brain Eaters. So the party goes the other way and runs straight into... a brain-eater!

[ATTACH=CONFIG]2828[/ATTACH]


-Vizi hits the Brain Eater, and it responds with a psychic attack!
"Vizi, you now feel confused; you may end up acting irrationally."
"Like anyone in this campaign ever acts rationally!"

-"He's thrust himself into my mind!"
"He's using Mind Thrust, that's a psychic attack."
"Yeah but he's thrusting real deep!"

[ATTACH=CONFIG]2829[/ATTACH]


-Roman blows the Brain-Eater to bits with his psychic attack, doing 136 points of damage.
"OK, what the fuck is this guy?"

-"I'm only 18xp away from level 3, so I'll probably die soon."


-As the group moves on, the party continues mocking Mu about his having been 'raped by ghosts', an event that never actually happened.

-When they get back to the main promenade, the party runs into Publio, who is hanging from a cage. He was left there by feral Dwarves.

-"Who's the new guy?"
"This is Vizi, our replacement Publio, except this one was properly trained."
"Yeah, he has a laser-sword and he force-hit a Brain Eater. He's basically a Jedi."




-"Can I get a new weapon too?"
"Sure. Now you already had a sword, Publio, but then you lost it. It's time for a more advanced weapon for you now... a shovel!"

[ATTACH=CONFIG]2830[/ATTACH]


-As the party is crossing the area affectionately named 'garbage island', they hear the pitiful high-pitched squeaky cries of a Dark Elf pleading for help.
"please...? someone? I'm still alive here but I can't move... I'm in horrible pain!"

-They check it out and find a Dark Elf trapped in a water-logged room, his legs totally shattered.
"Holy shit, he's even more pathetic than normal Dark Elves!"

-"I've got a medibot but I'm not wasting it on him."

-"How are we getting out of here?"
"Jaluddin is going to pick us up."
"...seriously?"
"Ok, I'll send a message for a skyship to Lol."

-"So this Sunstaff, it can get us to the Crown of Creation. But then what?"
"We can use the Sunstaff as a weapon."
"Wouldn't we need a wizard for that though?"
"I'm a wizard!!"
"Mu's a wizard?"
"HAHA, I seriously forgot Mu was a wizard, even out of character."

-"So Jaluddin was going to pick us up?That was seriously your plan?"
"yes."
"Dude, he's not coming."
"No, but... son of a bitch."

-"Do the Dark Elves have any useful wizards who could get us to Lol?"
"Soon all the world will see our dark powers!"
"Never mind, that squeaky voice just robs your people of all dignity."

-"We should go see the Azure Wizards. Maybe they got our stuff back."
"I think you're grossly overestimating the Azure Wizards."

-"why don't you want to go see the Azure Wizards?"
"Because they're failures."
"You're a failure, and we let you stay here with us."
"That hurts."

-"Lol isn't responding. We may have to get out of here on foot."
"Are there any friendly countries around?"
"Sure. The Dark Elf kingdoms are to the north, and the south has a large forest that may have some friendly mutant tribes."
"Fine. As long as there's no badlands on the way."
"Well... we're IN the 'badlands'."
"Oh shit."

-"Are we seriously going to the Dark Elf kingdoms? I mean, they are the most advanced culture around these parts but they're still freaking medieval... well, not so much 'medieval' as dumb-ass fantasy sword & sorcery."

-"Look, the Dark Elves will probably at least have wizards, right? One of them could help us."
"I bet you anything all their wizards are lame-ass summoners with skullcaps."

-The party puts the Dark Elf Cripple on a hoverboard, and ties him to Mu, basically reducing Mu to the role of a pack animal.
"Mu's finally useful!"
"Hey!"

-After failed attempts to take the hoverboard-cripple down the mountain path, the party finally prevails on Roman to use the medibot on him. Roman pulls on Mu's rope.
"Whoah.. woah there.."
"Hey! I'm not some kind of cow!"
"Muuuu..."
"I hate you guys so much."

-"What's your name?"
"Verigoth the terrible! And for healing me, the sword of Verigoth the Terrible will be yours! Well... as soon as I find a new sword."

-That night, while on guard, Vizi prevails on Verigoth to show him his 'awesome fight moves'. While Verigoth is fooling around in that way, a Griffin swoops down out of the darkness of night and viciously savages the Dark Elf.


-"Roman! Use your vibration hammer!"
"It doesn't work that way!"
"Hah, he knew what I meant."

-The Dark Elf tries to fight back, but only ends up breaking the Tormentor's sword, which Heidi had been letting him use.

-Vizi lays a killing blow with his laser-sword.
"You're coming along very nicely... I'll be watching your career with great interest."
"Yes, chancellor."




-"I'll heal the useful people first."

-The next day, the party has an encounter with 8 moose... mooses? meece!

[ATTACH=CONFIG]2831[/ATTACH]


-The mooseload are enemies of the Dark Elves.
"They are unbearable!"
"Well, at least we know these Mooses are an intelligent species."

-"This dark elf isn't with us!"
"He's just our servant now, that's why we only let him use a broken sword."

-Mongo shouts menacingly in Ancient.
"What did he say?"
"Oh, don't mind him, he's simple."
"Yeah, he's totally not the last surviving Ancient, that's for sure..."
"Shut up, Mu!"

-The Meese decide to make friends with the PCs, as long as they get to tie up the Dark Elf and throw rotted fruit at him.
"Sure!"

-"You should not trust these mooses!"
"They have no honor!"
"That, and also they want to hurl fruit at me."
"Hey, at least I plea bargained them down from feces."

-"When we get to the Dark Elf Shadowlands you must not speak of this."
"We promise, just like we promised we won't tell that you broke the Tormentor's sword."
"Yeah, or how Mu was raped by ghosts."
"Stop it!"

-The Mooses prepare a lovely picnic for the PCs, while they tie the Dark Elf to a tree.
"Wait, how the fuck do they tie him up? They're Moose, they have no hands."
"They use their mouths."
"They're surprisingly dextrous, disney-style, in spite of not having hands."

-"We will now use you as our weapons against our enemies!"
"The dark elves?"
"No, the Vegan Mutants; who we hate even more than the Dark Elves."

-"Why should we help you with your vendettas?"
"The food from our picnic was poisoned! If you want the antidote, you will destroy our enemies."
"Damn. Well, I'm mad, but I'm not opposed to exterminating vegans."

-"Will you be joining us, mooses?"
"No. We cannot be seen to have broken our peace treaty with them."
"Wow, you meece really are bastards."


-The PCs try to explain to the mooses the significance of Mongo.
"He's special...I mean in more ways than the obvious."
"I thought you said he was a simpleton?"
"Simpletons can be special!"

-"Never trust woodland creatures."
"Yes, a surprising number of them are total assholes."

-The Moose give Heidi a bag of weapons they'd captured from past victims.
"The vegans, what are their arms and armors?"
"Sharpened sticks and hemp coats."
"oh, good."

-"These mooses are total assholes, and they poisoned us; and still, in spite of never having met them, already  hate the Vegan Mutants more than them."




-"I was denied the only thing of worth I could have taken.."
"Your dignity?"
"No, the Dark Elf's armor."

-The PCs head off to commit genocide, but Heidi, remembering again that he's a pacifist, flies ahead and meets the Vegans. He concocts quite the tale to them, about an incoming disaster and that he's an agent of the Azure Wizards, and that they have to leave their home for another valley across the mountains.  Incredibly, they believe him.

-"So you convinced them to fuck off to the mountains?"
"Yes."
"You realize you just sent them all to their near-certain deaths anyways, right?"
"I won't be responsible for their deaths, though. Not directly, anyways."
"You have an interesting way of justifying yourself."
"I'm just letting nature take its course."
"Wow. I don't give a shit about these guys, but that's cold."

-"Now can I have the Dark Elf's armor?"
"No, you're not ready for that."
"I hate all you guys!"
"Hey look, Publio is at that rebellious age."
"Well he is at that level of maturity where he thinks dark-elf stuff is cool."

-"The Vegans had nothing of worth?"
"No."
Of course, Heidi avoids mentioning the literal ton of weed they took with them when they left, feeling sure that Vizi and Roman would hunt them down for it.

-"This has been the worst expedition ever. All my brothers in arms are either dead or dishonored, I was tree-bound by mooses... at least I wasn't raped by ghosts."
"That didn't happen!!"
"Oh, it did."

-Just when they thought the trip couldn't go further south, the party runs into a band of Dark Elves! It's lead by Azenabraith the Slayer, brother of Asiliath the Tormentor.
"You slew my brother in combat, so I honor you. What is your name?"
"Heidi."
"That is a warrior's name!"

-"So if you're elves, do you guys live in domes?"
"No, we have no need of domes, like our pale and pathetic cousins. We live in fortresses! Impressive dark fortresses! With many spikes! Needless spikes!"

-"Do you have wizards?"
"Yes, we have many mighty summoners."
"told you so."

-One of the Dark Elves stands guard with Mu.
"So, what are you?"
"I'm a wizard."
"Really?"
"Oh yeah, well what are you guys?"
"Warriors!"
"Show me your moves."




-As soon as the Dark Elf gets distracted showing his 'badass' moves, a band of orcs attack in an ambush!

-Roman utterly destroys an orc with his mind.
"Ok, what the fuck is Roman??!"

-Publio is "inspired" by the Dark Elves. Like any adolescent, he thinks drow are really cool.

-"Publio, you should prove yourself to the dark elves by acting like them!"
"Don't fucking encourage him, Mu!"

-"Maybe you should paint yourself black?"
"Shut up, Mu!"




-"The Dark Elves are like really pathetic klingons."


(unsurprisingly, this was the very first image to come up when I searched for 'pathetic klingons')

-The next night, while Vizi convinces yet another Dark Elf guy to show off his badass "moves", the party are attacked by a giant porcupine!
"Be careful! It's almost as lethal as a giant weasel!"

-Mu uses his Telepathy to enter into mental communication, only to discover the porcupine appears to have an Italian accent.
"Hey, what-a you-a doin makin-a noise near my nest?!"

-Mongo gets hit by a quill, and runs away! Roman runs after him.

-The Dark Elves also fail their morale check and run from the bombardment of quills, leaving only the PCs to face the deadly Italian Giant Porcupine.

-Vizi is taken down by the porcupine attacks (but he will survive). Mu and Heidi manage to kill the porcupine. As for Publio, he threw his shovel in a random direction, and then fell on the ground.


[ATTACH=CONFIG]2832[/ATTACH]


-Roman corrals the runaways and brings them back.
"There, see? It's dead. Any chance you had of proving yourselves mighty warriors has long since passed."

-"Is that healing robot working?"
"No. It broke down healing Mu."
"If it makes you happy, I too am almost dead."
"Why would I be happy about that, Publio? If you died I'd go back to being the most useless party member."

-"Ok, from now on, NO encouraging the dark elves to show off their 'cool combat moves' while keeping watch, damn it!"




-After a couple of more days travel, and no more 'cool combat moves', the PCs finally reach the end of the mountains.
"Behold, the Dark Elf Shadowlands!"
"It looks pretty arid and sunny for being 'shadowlands', I think."
"They are called the Shadowlands because they are the lands of the Dark Elves."
"Then why aren't you called the Shadow Elves?"
"...some people call us that.."
"No one calls you that!"
"I'll call you Shadow Elves.."
"You honor us!"

-They reach the biggest fortress, with the plan being to present themselves to the king. They're met there by a powerful-looking dark elf warrior with a voice as squeaky as all the other Dark Elves.
"I am Mereigoth Darkshadow, commander of the King's Guard."
"Hehe."
"What?"
"Oh, nothing.. I just have a cold."

-"Behold our King, Arianis Blackdragon; also our High Summoner Verminard the Sorcerer."
"Well, these guys won't be helpful..."

-"Maybe Jaludin did't come to get us because he caught Sezerkhan-aids?"
"And Lol has fallen?"
"For Jaludin's sake, I hope so."

-"Could anyone in your whole kingdom help us find a way to get to the city of Lol, high up in the floating islands?"
"Perhaps... only the Witch-Shaman."
"Which Shaman?"
"The Witch-Shaman."
"Is she a witch, or a shaman?!"
"There's two things you have to know about the Witch Shaman..."

-"She has studied not just sorcery but also the ways of the spirits."
"Been there!"
"So has Mu!"
"I have not!"

-"This warrior, Publio, wants to be like you Dark Elves, your Majesty."
"I really just want dark elf armor though.."
"Dude, you have trouble when you wear a barrel."
"Shut up! None of you understand me!"




-"Guys, when I get to play Bill again, if any of your PCs are still alive you have to tell me about this place; so I can come back and fuck it up beyond belief."


That's all for today; we leave off with the party taking some time to recover and then planning to go visit the Witch-Shaman, in what will almost certainly be either another side-quest or a complete waste of time.
Stay tuned!


RPGPundit

Currently Smoking: Ashton Old Church Rhodesian + C&D's Crowley's Best

(August 26, 2017)

RPGPundit:
DCC Campaign Update: Don't Judge me, I Needed the Money


When we left off, our intrepid anti-heroes had made it to the fortress of the Dark Elves.  They had been told of the Witch-Queen, which looks like their only chance of getting back to Lol (given that the city isn't responding to their calls, and they suspect Jaludin has betrayed them).  For the moment, though, the party is resting for a week or so to try to recover.

Now:

-The Pundit's cat caught a bird.




"It's still alive!"
"Yeah, she's playing with it. She likes to torture her captures a bit and watch them suffer before killing them off."
"So, much like her master, huh?"
"Does your cat also GM DCC?"

-Mu is planning to cast "Find familiar" and he wants some help from the Dark Elf King's summoner. So he goes up to his tower, which is of course very black, and filled with skull motifs.
"The summoner even has little tiny skulls on his pointed shoes. They might be halfling-baby skulls or something."

-"What can you give me to help you?"
"I have this brain-eater body-part-mash. You could use it to summon a brain-eater!"
"Servants of the Dark Ones?! That way lies madness! Are you crazy? It'll be the ruination of us all! I'm all dark and sinister, but this is just completely fucked up! Get out of here!"

-Mu begins his slow process of turning into a supervillain.
"I'll find a great use for this brain-eater; then you'll see! You'll ALL see!!"

-Vizi and Roman spend most of the week using 'medicinal herbs'.  Publio is not impressed.
"I'm from Highbay; back there we give kids that stuff for breakfast."

[ATTACH=CONFIG]2874[/ATTACH]


-"So, what is Roman, again?"
"We don't know."
"I'm Tonut's uncle!"
"Oh... sorry for your loss."
"Huh? Oh yeah, he's dead... yeah, so sad."
"And for Sami too, you adopted her."
"I did? Oh shit, I forgot... I guess I should have suggested we dig her out from that cave in...oh, well."
"You're the one who said we should leave her behind!"
"I did?"
"You totally did. I think you said 'always leave hookers buried'."

-"No! No one is taking Mongo around the city with them, and no one is sparring with him! This guy is our ticket to the Crown of Creation! For fuck's sake, he's a musclebound retard; he couldn't be more at risk of dying if he was sexually attracted to fire!"
"How do you know he isn't?"

-Publio & Vizi go to the market.  Publio buys himself a pet monkey, for reasons only understandable to his adolescent mind.

-"I'm going to spend the week training my monkey!"
"The monkey flings shit at you."
"That's ok, it's all part of the training."

-Vizi goes to a healer; but he only caters to dark elves. Vizi offers him psychic services in exchange; and receives a vision of when the healer was frantically trying (and failed) to save the life of a dark elf officer with a big spike run right through him.

[ATTACH=CONFIG]2875[/ATTACH]


"You are a true psychic! It is true, but you have now reminded me of my greatest failure. To this day I have not been able to devise the correct herbal treatment for curing someone who's been impaled by a huge spike."

-Mu summons his familiar: it turns out to be a chimpanzee in a little wizard costume.


[ATTACH=CONFIG]2876[/ATTACH]

-The Chimpanzee can't talk, but can communicate telepathically with Mu. It turns out his name is Gilbert, and he (mentally) has a british accent.

-When Gilbert sees Publio's monkey, he's immediately attracted.
"I'm going to sniff her arse sooo much!"

-Heidi makes it clear that he thinks Publio is not mature enough to take care of a monkey.
"Who's going to end up walking it, huh? And cleaning up after it? And now with the wizard-chimp we're going to have to worry about them having monkey-puppies."

-The party heads out across the Shadowlands to see the Witch-Shaman.  Along the way, they end up being ambushed by orcs! Publio throws a rock at one, misses, and gets cut down!

-Roman once again blows up the brains of about a dozen orcs.

-The orcs are driven off, but it turns out Publio is dead!
"Aww."
"It's ok. He had 7 Luck. It's a miracle he lasted this long."

-The wizard-chimp had hidden for safety, with Publio's monkey, behind some rocks. Now the wizard chimp comes out behind the rocks with a satisfied look, smoking a cigarette.


[ATTACH=CONFIG]2877[/ATTACH]

-"Gilbert, with Publio dead you'll have to take care of the she-monkey."
"Now hang about, old chap! It's one thing to get a bit of totty for fun, but quite another to be tied down with her! We should just leave her here in the oasis."
"Won't that hurt her feelings?"
"I really don't think she's clever enough to understand or care. I mean, she's peeing on the corpse of her former master as we speak.."

-The party reaches the cave of the Witch-Shaman. She makes some dubious prophecies about how someone's goal is to conquer all of Creation, and how Heidi is going to die very soon, when he's up in the sky. To prove her power, she summons up "the rest of your party", which is Sami (who had been slowly dying all this time inside the ruined skyship following the cave-in), and three newbies no one had ever heard of.  They are an orc, an annoying bard with a recorder-flute, and a vegan-mutant.

-"You left me for dead, you fucks!"
"To be fair, it would have taken us several hours to dig you out."

-Heidi is quite concerned about his death-prophecy.
"What did you mean, about me dying, Witch-Shaman?"
"Ye will die, when you go up high into the sky!"
"Whoa, she must be a really good prophetess..she rhymed!"
"She's impressive...you're doomed, man."

-"Who's the chimp in the wizard outfit?"
"That's my familiar, Gilbert."
"Well, good! We finally have a wizard in the party."
"Hey!"

-The Dark Elf who had been accompanying the party since the Ancients' ruin had only agreed to guide them to the Witch-Queen because his honor had been besmirched by Vizi, and he said that when they arrived at their destination he and Vizi would have a duel.  The time has come.
"So, to first blood, right?"
"Yes."
"I decapitate him."

-Looting the dark elf's body, they find a book of dubious pornographic sketches that seem to feature Sami in her previous profession as a strap-on wielding sex worker.
"Hey, it's Sami!"
"Give me that!! Don't judge me, I needed the money!"




-The Witch-Shaman gives the party 3 questions. They utterly waste two of them, but the third is actually relevant to their interest, as they ask what would be the next step to fulfill their mision.
"You must go into the hills and find... a bear!"
"What?"

-"Maybe its a metaphorical bear?"

-"Will you heal me?"
"I hate you the most, Roman, you left me to die!"
"Hey, I adopted you!"
"Well... anything for family."

-That night, after going in search of a bear in the hills, the party gets attacked by hippogriffs!  Vizi, the party's second-best warrior, hides behind some bushes, again.
"Why does vizi keep on hiding?"
"I want to take them by surprise!"
"God damn it, you're a warrior, we need you on the front line."
"I rolled a 20."
"Wow... that's surprisingly good hiding for a warrior."

-The hippogriffs are driven off, but not before the flute-playing minstrel died. There was much rejoicing.

[ATTACH=CONFIG]2878[/ATTACH]


-"Now I have to come up with a personality for the vegan."
"I would suggest 'annoying'."

-Heidi is now 1xp from leveling up.
"I'm so dead!"

-"Maybe your death-prophecy is a metaphor too; like you get really high and die of an overdose?"
"That's very possible, Heidi, you should leave the medicinal herbs to us!"

-The vegan survived but had one of his arms shattered.
"I'll heal the vegan's arm, but only because it's too gross."
"Are you going to apply some kind of herbal ointment?"
"No, she does Reiki."
"Don't encourage him!"

-"You don't need to worry about healing me, I'll be fine!"
"You're a vegan; you barely have any antibodies! If I don't heal you you're going to die of infection!"

-It takes Sami multiple tries to repair the vegan mutant's broken arm.
"Finally! I healed you."
"I don't know, it might have been that kale he ate."
"I hate you all.."




-A couple of days later, the PCs spot a rocket in the middle of the woods. Incredibly, the rocket appears to be in the process of being slowly repaired by a bear. There are some serious communications issues at first and it looks like the bear will be hostile, until Mu remembers he has the psychic power to talk to animals.




-It turns out the bear has always dreamed of getting to fly. His ancestors had seen the rocket in the air before it crashed, so he spent his life trying to figure out how to fix it. Roman takes a quick look and figures that the PCs could jury-rig it into a (barely) flyable state with a few days of work. Cue the A-Team Montage!




-Vizi has a psychic vision of the rocket when it crashed; of a wizard sobbing uncontrollably while encrypting some media files and then declaring that 'no one must ever know'.

-"So the previous owner of the rocket had some terrible secret no one must ever know? I bet it's inter-species porno!"
"Why did you go straight to interspecies porno?!"
"I don't know. Maybe it's because that bear is so rugged and handsome..."

-Sami has the hots for the bear, particularly after he violently drives off a Giant Badger (the bear later psychically explains to Mu that the badger is "a total asshole").
"So, is there a Mrs.Bear?"




-Unfortunately for Sami, the bear is very not interested in her.
"His only love is the sky!"

-"My Vegan-Mutant people all died in the mountains. We had to leave our village because Bill the Elf was coming."
"Yeah, well, actually there was some confusion about that. It wasn't quite accurate."
"So my people died for nothing?"
"Yup."

-That night, Heidi gets his 1xp by avoiding combat with a pair of giant wasps while standing guard.
"Great! Now the party is immune to Morris being Leader!"
"But we're not immune to his ASS."

-Ever since he heard about the wizard and the media files, Roman has been useless in helping with the repairs. He's been trying to spend all his time decrypting the files. Unfortunately, they have "64-level encryption", which makes them almost impossible to crack.
Sami, who has money riding on whether it's interspecies porno, even tries to use Divine Aid to crack the files, but it doesn't work.

-Heidi is sick of his own fear, and decides to fly up into the air and confront his mortality. He flies up and... nothing happens. He starts to happily soar through the air.
Everyone else is busy watching him go and cheering him on, so no one notices the two Sand-Elemental Ninja-Cows who come in and surprise attack!
"Shit, maybe the prophecy was actually that all the rest of us are going to die while Heidi is high in the sky!"





-The Sand Cows are impossible to hit except by magic or magic-weapons. The PCs are on the ropes but the real target is the rocket, which the Cows try to knock down!

-Finally, Vizi manages to psychically dominate one of the cows, to make it attack the other. Roman blows the other one up, and Vizi sends the one he controlled into the bear's cave and orders it to explode.

-"What the fuck were those things?"
"Elemental Sand-Cows. Created by the fucking Archemaster!"

-"Does this mean the Archemaster got out of the Forever Pit?"
"Probably. And that might explain why Lol isn't answering us."
"And how did he know where to find us?"
"Because I've been transmitting messages to Lol?"

-Heidi returns from his joyflight a few minutes after the battle ends.
"You absolute bastard."
"Hey, I didn't die!"
"You'll probably die in the rocket flight..."
"That would be OK because I'd be taking you all with me."

-Roman finally decripts the media files. It's not porno, inter-species or otherwise. It's actually a break-up message from an attractive human girl named Lysa, who is dumping the former owner of the rocket, a wizard named Timoteus. She's dumping him because he was so nerdy he stood her up for a date in order to make it to a Posh Elf stamp-collecting convention. Roman reveals that Timoteus was the name of the wizard who eventually went mad, and became The Archemaster!
"So that explains why he's always trying to get a fair human maiden!!"






-"What should we do with this video?"
"The Archemaster tried to kill us to avoid it being discovered."
"Then obviously, we need to transmit it on all channels so that everyone can know his secret shame!"
"Now he'll really want to kill us!"
"Yeah, but fuck him."

-Fortunately, the sand cows were dispatched before they could do any permanent damage to the rocket. But now that the PCs suspect Lol has falled into the Archemaster's hands, they decide that instead of flying to Lol, they're going to go straight to Geb, where the Sunstaff is said to be found.


Will the PCs manage to save the universe before the Archemaster murders them for revealing his humiliating secret?  Check back in our next installment to find out!


RPGPundit

Currently Smoking: Dunhill Diplomat + C&D's Crowley's Best

RPGPundit:
DCC Campaign Update: Fuck Station Aleph


Last time, the PCs had found an old rocket (being slowly repaired by a bear with a dream of going into the sky), that might just be able to get them back up to somewhere near where they have to go to complete their complicated quest to get the Sunstaff, get to the Crown of Creation, and somehow rescue G.O.D.

In the process, they discovered the rocket had (long ago) belonged to the Archemaster, and they sent out his secret to the whole world, that his obsession with attractive young human girls was a product of his having been dumped by one over a century ago.

Now:

-"Remember, eating apples and bananas doesn't make you a vegan. Eating bananas and apples while acting smug about it makes you a vegan!"

-Mu's player is disappointed by the Archemaster.
"I thought he wanted a human girl for some dark ritual, and it turns out he's just pathetic."
"I'm amazed you're surprised by this, by now."

-"We have to do two things to get back up there: we need two days of good no-distraction work to fix the rocket, and careful watches to stop anyone from destroying the rocket."
"Someone is going to trash the rocket."

-PCs are discussing whether to go to Lol or the Geb asteroid, and end up planning to steal a better skyship from the Posh Elves.

-The orc newbie is directed to go empty the rocket's septic tank, and he gets attacked by a giant snake!
"There's motherfucking snakes in this motherfucking rocket!"





-"Mongo, no! Stay back, you don't know where that thing has been!"
"We know where it's been, it's been in the septic tank!"
"Oh, right, the snake is probably filthy too."

-The snake is on its last legs after Sami hits it with a well-placed dagger... well, you know what I mean. The Vegan kills it.
"I'm not retrieving that dagger, it's lost to me."
"Why?"
"It's covered in shit!"
"I'll take it!"

-The party gets back to work on the rocket, but didn't actually clean up the spillage from the septic tank, or the dead shit-covered snake.
This ends up attracting a pair of Shit-Eaters, hideous slime-monsters that feed on... well, you  know.

-"Are they made of shit?"
"A certain percentage of them is made of shit."

-"They were drawn by the septic runoff."
"So can't we just back away from them and let them eat it all?"
"The problem is we all have tastier shit. You know, inside us."

-"I have a plan! Quick, shit on my hands!"
"You already owe me too much money, dude."
"What the fuck is happening here?! When the fuck did this get so weird?"
"You didn't see things thus far as weird?"
"Maybe Heidi is secretly Dutch?"

-They manage to wipe out the Shit-Eaters, and the Vegan Mutant levels up into a Wizard. In following with most wizards in the campaign he gets several mostly-useless spells, but he also gets Animal Summoning, which is a potentially decent spell.
"I collect bear hairs."
"So, if he gets hair from space-bear, does that mean he'll summon sentient bears?"
"We all know why you're really asking that, Sami."




-The Vegan Wizard's only good spell (animal summoning) has the mercurial effect that he randomly corrodes a nearby metallic object every time he casts it. So he picks up several dozen chunks of scrap metal from the rocket repairs.
"OK, that's a good plan, but where are you going to carry all that?"
"I have this sack full of weed, I could use the sack.."
"We'll need to empty that out.. let's get to work!"

-The rocket is ready but the party is undecided where to go (the plan being to go somewhere to probably steal a better ship than this piece of crap they're on); so they decide to check the comments on the video of the Archemaster's humiliation to see if it gives them any ideas. The video got 400000 hits, and over 2500 comments!
"There's tons of comments from the Kekistani Air Force; they keep calling him a 'cuck' for some reason."





-"Hmmm... there's also a lot of comments coming from Fuck Station Aleph."

-Fuck Station Aleph was originally created as an orbital space station with a mega-cannon, meant to be used against the Dark Ones. The weapon failed, and the place was abandoned for centuries until squatters moved in, and eventually the whole place got turned into an enormous red-light-district of the skies. Obviously, the party decides to go there.

-The rocket takes off and it's a very shaky ride. But eventually the station is in sight.
"HRURRRH"
"No, Space Bear, that's no moon.. that's Fuck Station Aleph."

-Fuck Station Aleph looks like a pimped-out Death Star with 'Get It Here' written on one side in giant letters a mile wide.





-The Rocket's landing thrusters are unstable, and it's going to crash into the outer-hull of Fuck Station Aleph.
"Attention, Fuck Station Aleph, we are out of control. We're going to be coming down hard on you."
"Ha ha!"

-The rocket's crash is not terrible, but it does damage the outer hull of the station, and renders the rocket inoperable. The PCs are greeted by a rescue-crew of large humanoid space-gerbils, and a hot tree-woman.
"The Vegan is turned on."




-The Station is gigantic, and has a lot more than just prostitutes. There's an enormous bazaar, and tons of other services. After trading out some gems for credits, the bulk of the PCs want to get high-tech weapons and armor, while Mu wants very badly to check out the magic shops. A passer-by informs him the magic alley is near "the Orgasmotron". They find Tech City first, and Mu decides to ask one of the sales reps for directions.
"Excuse me, sir... do you know where the Orgasmotron is?"
"Oh, you're one of THOSE people.."
"What? No! I didn't mean that!"
"Oh let me guess, you're 'just asking for a friend'."

-The party doesn't just buy high-tech weapons and armor, they also buy healing nanobot hypo-sprays, much to the chagrin of Sami the cleric.
"Hey, don't be offended! This is just in case you die... wait, let me rephrase that: this is for when you die."

-"You always stock up when you get to any high-tech area, because you know that most of the time you'll be stuck in some shit-hole where you're lucky if you can get a pointed stick."

-The Magic Alley of Fuck Station Aleph is not as promising as Tech City was. It's got lots of places selling dubious fortune-telling, Reiki To Full Completion, and Crystal Bead Therapy.

-They find a magic bookstore, mainly filled with useless junk and new-age books. But the Vegan Wizard casts Detect Magic and takes note that there are a few scrolls behind the counter and one book in the "antique books" section that are actually magical. The book is a sinister-looking thing called The Red Grimoire.
"Does it have an index?"
"No."
"Does it have a bookmark?"
"No, but it does have one page with a blood-soaked fingerprint mark on it."




-The owner is an obese middle-aged hippie named Grizelda.
"Excuse me, I'm looking for a specific scroll and I'm wondering if you have it?"
"What is it?"
"Forget."
"You know, I don't recall if I have that!"

-The Vegan Mutant is caught trying to tear a page off the Red Grimoire!
"Please don't call the security force! He's just an idiot"
"Yeah, he can work for you!"
"I don't need anyone to work here!"
"Well, maybe you could think of something?"
"Hmm... well, he is frail and sickly.. that's just my type!"
"Oh no..."

-The party leaves the Vegan Wizard behind for a night of what will no doubt be extreme discomfort. Mu makes himself invisible and hides in the store when Grizelda closes it, deciding he might as well make use of the Vegan's temporary status as harem-boy to steal all the scrolls and the Red Grimoire.  Everyone else keeps checking out Magic Alley, and they find that Fuck Station Aleph has a Curiosity Shoppe!




-While stuck in the Magic bookstore, Mu starts to read the Red Grimoire.
"OK, make a Will save."
"9"
"You don't have a bonus?"
"Oh, right... 8."

-The weirdo running the curiosity shoppe only accepts barter. He ends up trading some of the PCs' junk for Ekim's Facial Surgery Mask, and a +1 Ring of Strength.
"These aren't cursed, right?"
"Nooo! However, if you use the Mask you should steer clear of high temperature areas."

-"How does this guy stay in business?!"
"Don't question it."

-Vizi also trades some useless items, but instead of a magic item, he gets some sunglasses shaped like stars.




-After leaving the Curiosity Shoppe and while heading to a bar to find a pilot (they decided they might as well hire a ship, rather than steal it), they pass by the magic bookstore and see Mu there. Mu's got the scrolls and the Red Grimoire, but he can't figure out the code to unlock the store's front door to get out before Grizelda is done with the Vegan.  He looks pleadingly at them for help through the shop window.
"Should we let him out?"
"Nah."

-"You could use your sonic tool, Sami.."
"I traded it at the Curiosity Shoppe, remember?"
"oh."

-Roman still has his Sonic, however. He signs to Mu that he'll let Mu out in exchange for the Red Grimoire.  At first Mu is reluctant but when the party threatens to just keep going he agrees quickly and is set free.

-"Wait, what will we do when Grizelda gets up and sees we stole the scrolls and the book?"
"We have plausible deniability... wait, let me disable that camera. There! Now we have plausible deniability."




-The pilots' bar is a typical 'hive of scum and villainy', complete with funky space-music and a crazy mix of non-human weirdos.

[ATTACH=CONFIG]2929[/ATTACH]



-"Ugh, Cyborg-Knights. I hate those guys."
"What are they?"
"They're cyborgs who are also knights."

-The bar also has a dog-man, someone in a "Sky Police" uniform, and a black guy with an afro and a kind of sci-fi pimp outfit with a cape.
"That guy has a cape, so you know he's cool"



-The cape-guy also has sunglasses shaped like triangles, so Vizi instantly heads to talk to him. Heidi goes to check out the Sky Policeman instead.

-The Sky Policeman is the last survivor of the Sky Police, who were wiped out a few years back by the Sky-Nazis.  He's a deeply traumatized law & order square. He's willing to take on the PCs' mission if it's for the sake of "law and order", and to do it for free, but gives off a clear sense that he could have problems all his own.
"You're not going to engage in any unlawful behavior, right?"
"Oh, yeah, we're totally in it for the Law & Order."

-"I mean, of course, sometimes we break a few of the rules; you know, for the sake of getting things done."
"Well... that's probably fine. I mean, I was a bit of a rules-breaker myself. I was the first man in the Sky Police to break regulations and grow a mustache! But I shaved it off two days later."

-Vizi and the other guy spend a few moments congratulating each other on their cool shades, before they're joined by Roman who wants to get actual facts.
"So what's your name?"
"Blitzkrieg Sakomano!"
"Are you a great pilot?"
"Man, I did the Kossuth Run in 42 minutes!"
"Wow. That's like, 12 parsecs!"

-"Look, we need to stay under the radar."
"That's cool, 'under the radar' is my middle name."
"So wait.. your name is Blitzkrieg Under The Radar Sakomano?"
"That's a rad name!"

-"Would you accept part of your payment in 'medicinal herbs'?"
"Shit, yeah!"
"I can see we're going to get along just fine."

-The PCs are divided as to whether to go with the Sky Policeman or Sakomano. Heidi, Sami, and Mu want to go with the Sky-cop, while Roman, Vizi and Space-Bear want to go with Sakomano.
"Dude, the Sky-cop wants law & order. We were on Fuck Station Aleph for less than two hours and we already committed grand robbery."
"Well, let's agree not to do it again, OK?"
"Oh, please. We all know we suck at not being horrible people, Heidi."

-The vote is still tied.
"We could ask the Vegan?"
"No, lets just flip a coin."
"Yeah, that sounds better."
"I have a fake Smithplium coin. I think it's symbolic of everything this group stands for."
-The coin-flip comes up for Sakomano.
"Ok, but he wants money, unlike the other guy. How do we pay him?"
"I still have the 4900 you gave me, that's almost half of what he's asking up-front."
"Yeah, but what he wants up front is only half of what he's asking in total!"
"That's a problem for Future-Us."

-Meanwhile, Grizelda was finally done with the Vegan Wizard. As soon as she stepped out front into her shop, she realized she'd been robbed. As soon as she stepped back into the back room, the Vegan mutant brutally murders her by summoning several snakes to surprise-attack her.  Then he robs the till and high-tails it out of there, since she'd managed to call for security before he killed her.
"Holy shit! What did you just do?!"
"So much for 'under the radar'."





-Trying to find his companions, the Vegan Wizard gets to the Curiosity Shoppe.
"Do you know where the adventurers who were here earlier went?"
"Are you asking 'do you have information on where the adventurers who were here earlier went'?"
"...Yes."
"I DO!"

-"OK, so we'll meet up with you in hangar bay 6 in a couple of hours after I've completed the ship's safety checks."
"Guys? I just saw an alert. The Vegan just murdered someone. Should we leave earlier?"
"Sure we can. Shit, how many security checks do we need, really?"

-"The bear will be my co-pilot!"
"Didn't you say 'Blitzkrieg Sakomano flies alone' like five minutes ago?"
"Blitzkrieg changed his mind!"

-"That's my ship over there.. the Superfly-1!"




-Heidi, Sami and Mongo had gone to get some final supplies. Only Mongo makes his perception check and notices the "wanted" alert for the Vegan wizard, but the others ignore him.

-The station security guards spot the Vegan at the cargo bay and start to chase him.
"Man, I'm glad we didn't go with the Space-cop!"

-"If the shit hits the fan, I'll fly Mongo to the ship, you save the Vegan."
"Why?"
"If we're in trouble.."
"No, I mean why save the vegan?"
"He has the money."

-Mu had just bought a jet-pack. He uses it to try to fly straight to the Superfly-1. But having never flown it before, he fails spectacularly and slams into the side of a Kekistani Meme-Transport Ship.
-"I turn invisible."
"Why didn't you do that before crashing your jetpack?"
"I was nervous, mistakes were made!"




-Blitzkrieg gets Space Bear to start up the ship, while he fires on the guards to cover the PCs still making their way over.




-There's a crazy firefight, with several party members still all but hanging off the gangplank when the ship takes off and escapes from the hangar of Fuck Station Aleph.  It looks like no one actually died, but Blitzkrieg is eager to fly them out of there as quickly as possible, as they might be pursued.
"Next stop, Geb! Punch it, Space-Bear."
"MRAWWWH"




-"Great. That's one more locale on our list of 'places we can never go back to again'."


That's it for today. The PCs have a cool new pilot and a cool new ship and they're finally on the way to Geb. That is, assuming they can avoid pursuit from Fuck Station Aleph's Valkyrie fighters.


RPGPundit

Currently Smoking: Ben Wade Canadian + Image Latakia

(september 16, 2017)

RPGPundit:
DCC Campaign Archive: They're Pre-emptive Snakes!


When we left off in our last session, the PCs were racing away from Fuck Station Aleph on the Superfly-1, being hotly pursued by the Station's Valkyrie Fighters.

Now:

-"Do you have anywhere we could lay low, Blitzkrieg?"
"Well, there's that deadly asteroid field over there."
"Oh.. and.. are you good with that?"
"Man, I'm good with everything!"

-"Hey can I start shooting at something?"
"You can start shooting at everything!"

-"Shut up, this is all your fault! You killed that woman with your snakes!"
"With all my snakes! It was awesome."
"No, it's awful."
"Well, I am a vegan."





-The Superfly-1 is being pursued by Valkyrie Fighter ships, which look like giant boobs.


[ATTACH=CONFIG]2961[/ATTACH]


-"Sakomano, just asking.. but do you have any spare vacuum-suits?"
"Hell no! Why would we need that?"

-Blitzkrieg avoids the first shots by veering the Superfly-1 slightly to the left.
"Awesome! He knows maneuvers!"





-Unfortunately, the Valkyrie Fighters also know maneuvers, and when they hit the Superfly-1 everyone on board does the Star Trek Shuffle.





-"Blitzkrieg are you sure you want to fly us into an asteroid field? We've got people on board who are 1xp from leveling up!"
"Never tell me the odds!"

-Vizi, operating the Superfly-1's turret-cannon, manages to hit one of the Valkyrie Fighters, causing it to retreat. Then he hits another making it slam into the third.
"Stop it, Vizi! You're giving me false hope we'll survive this!"
"Hope is my middle name!"
"Really? What's your last name?"
"Yeah.. Vizi 'hope'...what?"
"Fuck you guys! I don't have a last name. I hope to get one someday."

-"use the force, Vizi!"
"Huh? Roman?! What the fuck are you doing sneaking up behind me and whispering into my ear?!"
"I said 'use more force'! Your attenuator is only on 'Low'!"
"Ohhh... ok."

-The Valkyrie ships are now close enough that the PCs can see through their cockpit-windows.
"The Valkyries are being piloted by real Valkyries, you guys!"
"Well, hot babes, anyways."




-"Are you sure they're not going to spot us hidden behind this asteroid? Should we shut off all power or something?"
"Nah, this is an Energy-Saver ship. When it's idle it can't be detected."
"Blitzkrieg believes in saving the environment."

-While Roman is repairing the damage to the ship with Space-Bear, Mu gets Blitzkrieg to search the Interwebs for 'Roman Beckett'. They find that there's tons of hits, maybe too many, but all of them are only from the last two years. It's like Roman didn't exist before that.

-"Hey what are you guys doing up here?"
"Nothing, Roman! Totally not looking up stuff about someone on the Interwebs!"

-That night, Mu levels up, to level 3.
"Yes! Now my Will save is +0!"

-Sami and Heidi were both knocked out in the firefight with the Valkyries and they're still unconscious the next day (their players didn't come).
"I think they've slipped into a coma. Should we do something?"
"They'll be fine."

-The Superfly-1 finally arrives on Gebo. They expected to find the Sezrekhan-zombie Bill the Elf there, but he's gone. There's also evidence that Jal'udin's men were here. Vizi has a psychic vision of Jal'udin on the asteroid, kidnapping Bill (alive) and being unable to decipher the secret of the monolith. But he was planning to go find the answer back on Lol.

-"Wait.. Bill the Elf has a snake-head?"
"And he wears flip-flops."
"Man, I have got to meet this motherfucker!"

-Roman warns Vizi that he shouldn't try to use his psychic powers to 'read the monolith', but the rest of the party believes he's using reverse-psychology on him.

-"Look, just do it or don't do it."
"There is no try."

-Vizi tries to psychically sense the monolith, but he only ends up seeing a vision of Bill the Elf murdering Fluffy the Cat and his minder.

-"So Bill didn't betray us after all?"
"He was betraying fluffy?"
"One thing's for sure, he was betraying someone!"
"Maybe more."

-"So Jaludin is trying to figure out the answer to the monolith riddle. What do we do?"
"We could go to the library of Barth."
"Barf?"
"Barth."
"Who the fuck picks these names?"

-The plan is either to go to the library of Barth, which is another huge orbital library but on general-subjects, or to go back and infiltrate Lol and steal the brain of Zuman from Lol's mausoleum.

-"I know! We could flood the city with snakes!"
"That won't help!"
"How about cats?"

-"Is Ekim's brain in the mausoleum?"
"Yes."
"Ok, because I would like to file a complaint."

-They decide to go to Lol. On the way Roman admits he's pretty sure Mu will be recognized and captured, so the other PCs would be better off going separately from him.
"You should stay on the ship, Mu, if you have any brains."
"No, I'm going to take the risks."
"Suit yourself."
"Wait.. was that reverse psychology again? Are you planning to have me go to cause a distraction?"

-"Me and Blitkrieg will stay behind here on the ship. And we'll rescue you if.. bwah hahaha.. oh man, I'm sorry, I just can't keep saying that with a straight face."

-"Ok, so we're going in two different paths"
 "You're team Monkey and we're team Snakes!"
"Yeah, me going around with a monkey-wizard familiar definitely isn't going to make me stand out..."

-The Superfly-1 lands in the Lol spaceport. The area is crawling with black-armored High Council guards, and there's propaganda posters everywhere, with slogans like 'Peace Has Returned' or 'Report Sezrekhan Zombies to Your Local Extermination Squad'.

-They get interviewed by the Port Authority.
"Occupation?"
"Shaman."
"Are you a wizard?"
"No."
"Do you cast spells?"
"No, I smoke herbs and have visions."
"Oh. I'll just put you down as 'hippie'.  And your profession, sir?"
"Vegan."
"Ok, make that 'two hippies'."


[ATTACH=CONFIG]2962[/ATTACH]


-"Are you now or have you ever been part of a revolutionary organization?"
"No. Well, he's a vegan."
"I said revolutionary, not stupid."

-When Vizi and the Vegan wizard get up onto the streets of Lol, they see some kind of a rally going on. Apparently sanctioned or at least unmolested by the police forces, the marchers are carrying placards saying 'expel interplanar degenerates', 'down with the Greys', and 'make Lol great again'.

-Mu, meanwhile, has snuck in with invisibility, and then flies over straight to the mausoleum. He's recognized by the mausoleum keeper but goes invisible again, gets past the guards, and managed to get to Zuman's brain.  Zuman explains his code.
"The numbers on the monolith... they are a library code. Find the book it corresponds to, and you will have your password!"
"...why don't you just tell me what it is?"
"...fine. It's 'The Dark Gate'. You're no fun!"

-As he's leaving the mausoleum, still invisible, Mu sees Vizi and the Vegan. But instead of telling them he's already succeeded in the mission, he can't be arsed and just leaves them there.

-In any case, Vizi and the Vegan weren't heading to the mausoleum. One-upping Mu in sheer crappiness, they decide to ignore the mission completely and head over to the market.
"What's the best jet-pack you've got?"
"That would be the Huntsman. It costs 1500 credits."
"Oh. Ok, how about the cheapest jetpack you've got?"
"These ones in the pile were made in a Kekistani sweatshop. They cost 600 credits. No warranty."
"..do you have anything in the middle?"
"We have the Flightmaster, it's decent, for 750 credits. Or the Lady Flightmaster, for 790."
"What's the difference between the two?"
"The Lady Flightmaster is pink."
"I'll take the Lady Flightmaster, please!"

-Vizi and the Vegan buy comms, jet packs, particle belts and take a bunch of selfies. Roman contacts them and tells them to get back to the ship.

-At the fair, there's an anti-Archemaster protest. The black guard come in.
"Ok, beat the shit out of anyone who's identity scan registers their profession as 'hippie'!"
"oh, shit!"

-Meanwhile, Mu has gotten back to the spaceship, but since he'd been spotted at the mausoleum, he's most wanted, and the port authority are searching everything.
"What do I do?"
"Quick man, hide here in this secret smuggler's compartment!"
"Wait, I'm getting in there too."
"There's not enough room for both of us, Roman!"
"Tough, get ready to snuggle up, Mu."

-"What do we do, Vizi?"
"Let's just pretend we're dumb tourists"
"I have a problem with you saying that's just pretending."

-Mu and Roman are discovered by the port authority guards. Roman blows one's brains out; Mu blasts another two with magic missiles.

-Vizi and the Vegan mutant make it down to the ship in the middle of the fight with the guards. The vegan wizard takes a swing at a guard with his sword.
"Hah! The Vegan wizard fights like Publio used to!"

-Blitzkrieg Sakomano joins the shooting.
"All you black-helmet motherfuckers get the fuck off my ship!"

-One of Jal'udin's assassins is also at the spaceport, and starts a lightsaber duel with Vizi!




-Rather than risk the lightsaber fight, though, Vizi decides to just psychically dominate the assassin.

-The Superfly-1 takes off, escaping Lol, taking the assassin with them.

-Vizi tries to get the assassin high on medicinal herbs to have him talk; but his training is just too good. So Roman decides to brain-fry the Assassin to find out what he knows. This confirms what they all suspected: Jal'udin and the Archemaster are allies.
Vizi decapitates the assassin.

-They get back to Gebo. Mu circles the monolith and speaks the words, and the monolith opens a dark gateway.

-"Remember, the demon Rataxos is in there. He'll try to convince you to let him free. Don't let him!"
"But maybe he'd be a good patron?"
"No!"

-The Vegan Wizard conjures some snakes.
"Why did you do that?"
"They're pre-emptive snakes."

-Sakomano and Space-Bear stay behind on the superfly-1, taking care of Mongo (who is too valuable to be risked), while the rest of the party enters the monolith.

-They find themselves in total darkness. The Vegan wizard casts 'detect magic' and sees that they're in a corridor, and several horrific photo-negative giant centipedes are heading their way!

-In the fight the Vegan Wizard keeps spellburning 1 point at a time to recover his Animal Summoning spell, and keeps losing it.
"I don't get you. You burned like 10 points to murder the shopkeeper back on Fuck Station Aleph, but here we're fighting for our lives against extraplanar monsters and you're pussyfooting it."
"She was a greater danger to me than these bugs."

-Just as they're getting into trouble, a magic missile comes from the darkness and blasts one of the bugs!

-The Vegan Wizard finally manages to summon a giant porcupine, which quills the living fuck out of the last of the demonic bugs.

-"So, can I ride around on my giant porcupine?"
"What the hell is wrong with you?"

-"Come to think of it, how the hell do porcupines make love?"
"Very carefully."



-The PCs finally see who helped them in the fight, as out of the darkness comes... the Hippomagus!

-"Do you have the sunstaff?"
"It is in the hands of the demon rataxos! If we want it, we will have to work together to have any chance of defeating him."
"Oh, shit."


That's it for this session. Will the PCs be able to get the sunstaff at long last?
Find out in our next session!

RPGPundit

Currently Smoking: Lorenzetti Egg + Gawith's Navy Flake

(October 6, 2017)

RPGPundit:
DCC Campaign Update: OK, so Nobody Fart Then!


So, in our last session, the PCs had just gotten out of the city of Lol, after finding out the secret to how to open the monolith on Gebo. They went to that asteroid, opened the gate, and entered a dark labyrinth where they had to fight some horrific negative-energy bugs. During the fight, they were assisted by the Hippomagus!


Now:

-"Fuck Sami's player's lifestyle choices. Why the fuck would anyone rather have explosive diarrhea than play our DCC game?"
"Yeah, especially since the experience is largely the same."


[ATTACH=CONFIG]3001[/ATTACH]

-"Who are you?"
"I'm the Hippomagus!"
"Oh yeah! We're here to find you!"
"No we aren't."
"We're here to get the Sunstaff."
"Oh! Right. That was like 5 quests ago, so I got confused."




-"We'll have to trick Rataxos to get the Sunstaff."
"How do we trick a daemon?"
"Very carefully."

-"Can you light your staff?"
"Yes, but you'll see that the light here is diminished in intensity because of the intense darkness of this demiplane."
"Ok, so nobody fart then!"
"What?!"

-"While you were missing, the Archemaster took over the high council of wizards."
"What?"
"Also, most of the council is dead."
"What?!"
"Yeah, way to bury the lead, Mu."


-"Who are you?"
"My name's Roman."
"That's a coincidence. I had an uncle named Roman."
"Weird."


-"Why did you come here, Hippomagus?"
"Like you, for the sunstaff."
"Why did you want the sunstaff?"
"For the prestige."
"But now we need it, to save the world from Sezrekhan."
"Obviously, yes."
"You can get it back after we're done with it. After all, we don't have any wizards in our party."
"Hey!!"

-More bugs attack! Specifically, a couple of them jump Mu and the Hippomagus!
"We have to help the Hippomagus!"
"Hey!"
"Sorry, he's a valuable member of the party."
"HEY!"
"Yeah, he's the only wizard we have."

-The Hippomagus and Vizi are hit by black gunk that the bugs spew from their rear ends, which makes them start to suffocate. Both manage to survive by sheer luck.
"Vizi, due to your brain being starved of air you lose.. 1 permanent point of strength."
"Strength?"
"Maybe muscle memory loss?"
"Oh, ok."

-Mu manages to destroy one with spellburn-enhanced magic-missile casting, but he's stuck being unable to say anything but "Mu" for the rest of the day.

-They eventually get to the heart of the labyrinth, where they find a gateway with runes. Mu tries to read the runes, but fails.
"Even if he'd succeeded what good would it do? He can only say 'mu'!"

-Many stupid ideas are exchanged as to how to try to get the Sunstaff from Rataxos.
"I had hoped our combined power would allow us to destroy him by working together; but after our performance against those bugs I no longer think that's likely."

-Mu plays a whole game of charades to try to explain his plan, where the party will pretend that the hippomagus and the monkey are part of the same grand order of animal-themed wizards.
"How does that help?!"
"That was a whole lot of effort for fuck-all, dude."

-"I've got a bad feeling about this..."





-Mu decides to enter on a hover board.
"Maybe that will make me look cool"
"We're not trying to look cool! And no, it doesn't."

-"We're trying to look bad-ass. I'm going to hold my pistol side-ways, that will look bad ass"
"No it doesn't."

-They try to make the Hippomagus look bad-ass by rolling up his sleeves, but he only looks awkward and dorkish.
"Maybe if you unbuttoned your robes?"
"My robe doesn't have buttons. It's more of a mu-mu."




-"None of you look bad-ass! You just look varying degrees of retarded!"

-Giving up on trying to look evil, cool or bad-ass, they just go inside. All except Roman, who says he'll stay out of the gate to keep watch.
They encounter Rataxos, a swat hideous pretty classic-looking Demon, holding the Sunstaff in his claws.  They try to convince him that they're out to destroy Sezrekhan. Heidi manages to convince Rataxos that Sezrekhan has tried to keep Rataxos trapped, because Rataxos has the sunstaff, which may be the only way of getting to him at the Crown of Creation. Incredibly, they get him to give them the Sunstaff. But Rataxos places a Geas on Heidi, that once Sezrekhan is stopped, Heidi will be obliged to come and free Rataxos. Rataxos also geases Mu's monkey, mistaking the monkey for the wizard and Mu for the mere familiar.

-They get out of the chamber and back in the labyrinth, where Roman is surprised to see them.
"Holy shit, you're alive! Er, I mean, good job!"

-There's another bug attack on their way out. After several mishaps, the Hippomagus kills one with a powerful Force Manipulation blast.
"He used the force!"

-There's another encounter, this time with a bug and another type of demon that looks like a pale crab-monster.
"Holy shit, what is that goddamn animal?"



-Managing to avoid getting themselves killed in spite of a ludicrous number of fumbles and spell-misfires, they get out of the demiplane, and rush into the Superfly-1. Now, they set a course for the Sky-shield that covers half the Sun.  Using the Sunstaff, they realize that the ley-lines all point to the spot exactly in the center of the Sky-shield.

-"Hey, what if we try to give Mongo the Sunstaff? Maybe it'll fix him?"
"Hmm, I doubt it, but what harm could come of it?"
"Famous last words."

-Mongo just starts violently hitting things with the staff, and they have to wrestle him down and take it away from him.
"So much for that idea."

-"Do you have any healing stuff on the ship, Blitzkrieg?"
"I have some sexual healing, but that's only for the ladies."

-The Hippomagus still believes that, like Fluffy the Cat, Mu's wizard-monkey is the real wizard and Mu is just his familiar.

-Mu asks to borrow the Sunstaff from the Hippomagus (for his master, the monkey), and discovers it grants a +6 to spellcasting checks!
"Um, can I have my staff back?"
"What staff?"
"I lent you the sunstaff. Can I have the sunstaff back please?"
"No, maybe someone else has it."




-"um, excuse me Heidi? Mu borrowed my staff and won't give it back. I'd like my staff back please."
"Ask Roman."

-"Um, excuse me Vizi? Mu borrowed my staff and won't give it back, and Heidi and Roman won't help me. I'd like my staff back please?"

-Vizi and Mu convince the Hippomagus that they'll give back the Sunstaff after they stop Sezrekhan. But he's not happy.

-"I say, that Hippomagus is quite gullible!"
"Yeah, how did he get to that high level?"
"Frankly, it gives me hope!"
"True. It also explains why  he was fooled by a cat."

-When they get close enough to the Skyshield, they realize that it's not smooth like it appears from over a million miles away, but rather is full of constructions. And right in the middle of it all is a notable megastructure. They try to hail the megastructure, and it responds by firing missiles at them!

-The missiles hit bad!
"We're going down! Standard procedure for a crash: lean forward, put your head between your legs, and kiss your asses goodbye, motherfuckers!"

-"Fuck! What have we gotten ourselves into?!"
"Adventure!"

-"Is everyone alive?"
"I'm alive, but I don't know why."




-They crashed in the middle of a vast area filled with dust and scraps of metal. Vizi sees a vision explaining why: this is a kind of dumping site for sky-ship wrecks, and every once in a while a huge floating disintegrator-ship sweeps by and atomizes everything in its path. The party realizes it can't stay in the wreck of the Superfly-1, and must say goodbye to it.

-They walk past a canyon filled with ruined sky-ships, aparently a blind spot in the disintegrator's programmed flights. But they decide to move on to the megastructure for now.

-They reach a kind of border wall. When Vizi approaches it, he gets confronted by some armed drones!
"It's the goddamn border patrol!"
"Well, they built the wall."
"It's a huge wall."





-They back away and Heidi (the fastest flier) goes along the border wall area to try to see if there's some other means of access.

-The enormous floating disintegrator platform that Vizi had seen in his vision comes over the wall, toward the PCs! They're about to try to run away from it while it powers up, but instead realize they should run up right against the wall, where the disintegrator beam won't strike.

-Heidi doesn't find any other way in. The Hippomagus has another idea, to turn everyone invisible. It works, and they get over the wall to find that at the top there's an enormous highway.

-They travel along the road, which seems to be leading to the central megastructure. They fly, invisible, being pulled along by Heidi and Mu (the two fastest fliers).
"Once more, I'm reduced to a beast of burden."

-The party runs into a giant armored monster-truck, piloted by what appear to be humans with funny bowl-haircuts.
"Let's blow out their tire!"
"Why?"
"I don't know, he's the leader."
"Wait a second, isn't Mu the leader?"
"We're both the same level now."
"Oh, then obviously Heidi is the leader."
"What do you mean 'obviously'?"

-Heidi steps out of the invisibility field, and the guys in the truck stop and hail him. They speak Ancient!
"Holy shit!"

-Unfortunately, the excitement is short-lived. When Roman interrogates them, it turns out they're not Ancients, they just speak the language as they're the 'heirs of the ancients'.
"They're some kind of space-romans"

[ATTACH=CONFIG]3002[/ATTACH]


-"Ok, so I told him we need to get into that super-structure; and he said it's called the Citadel and asked if we plan to participate in something called the Death Race 3000."



[ATTACH=CONFIG]3003[/ATTACH]

-The pseudo-romans are friendly and they travel with the PCs for the rest of the day, ending at a kind of campground where various other ridiculous super-vehicles have been parked. Their drivers include Elves, orcs, cat-people, and more.
"Where do you come from, strangers?"
"The surface.."
"Shh, don't tell them that."
"I mean, the surface of Lol."
"Where?"

-"You're from the sky?"
"Up is down and down is up for these people."
"So you actually see the sun? That must be terrifying!"

-"And where are you from?"
"The Vampire Principalities. Blah!"




-The next day, the group completes its trip to the Citadel, with more and more strange vehicles with weird drivers joining the caravan. The PCs learn that the "Wardens" of the citadel only reward the winners of each year's Death Race with entry into the Citadel. Anyone can compete, but victory is based on a complex scoring system, where it's not just about being first to the finish but also a number of other factors. The PCs realize they're going to need some kind of vehicle, and they're told they might be able to get one in the massive shantytown that surrounds the Citadel.
"So, we're going to be participating in a deadly game of Wacky Races, huh?"





That's it for this week's session. I'm off next week so stay tuned in a few weeks' time for the next exciting part of our (anti-?) (non-?) heroes' adventures, where they may or may not end up participating in Deadly Wacky Races.


RPGPundit

Currently Smoking: Neerup Hawkbill + Image Virginia

(October 29, 2017)

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