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Author Topic: DCC Campaign Log  (Read 5035 times)

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DCC Campaign Log
« Reply #105 on: August 27, 2018, 11:28:24 PM »
DCC Campaign Archive: I Plea-Bargained Them Down From Feces




In our last session the PCs had found themselves an ancient (albeit a mentally deficient one). But they were still inside the Brain-Eater-infested ancients' complex. The question now is whether they can get out without killing their prize.

Now:

-"The Ancients we get are never actually competent examples of their grandeur. First we found a little child, and now a mental defective."
"The next two will probably be a sexual deviant and then a vegan."

-"Well, it's not like any of our PCs were ever competent!"
"huh... truly we ARE created in their image!"

-"The Dwarves are kind of competent!"
"Yes, they're a very intelligent people, and if the Dwarven Holocaust hadn't completely fucked them up they'd be great. But as it is..."
"Well, it was only a short holocaust!"
"Bad pun, man."

-The canyon wall collapses on Sammi while she is still inside the skyship.
"should we try to rescue her?"
"...nah."

-"Do you think the Brain Eaters will be trying to find Mongo?"
"Let's hope his stupidity buys us some time."

-Vizi climbs to the other side of the canyon, and gets a vision of Brain Eaters. So the party goes the other way and runs straight into... a brain-eater!

[ATTACH=CONFIG]2828[/ATTACH]


-Vizi hits the Brain Eater, and it responds with a psychic attack!
"Vizi, you now feel confused; you may end up acting irrationally."
"Like anyone in this campaign ever acts rationally!"

-"He's thrust himself into my mind!"
"He's using Mind Thrust, that's a psychic attack."
"Yeah but he's thrusting real deep!"

[ATTACH=CONFIG]2829[/ATTACH]


-Roman blows the Brain-Eater to bits with his psychic attack, doing 136 points of damage.
"OK, what the fuck is this guy?"

-"I'm only 18xp away from level 3, so I'll probably die soon."


-As the group moves on, the party continues mocking Mu about his having been 'raped by ghosts', an event that never actually happened.

-When they get back to the main promenade, the party runs into Publio, who is hanging from a cage. He was left there by feral Dwarves.

-"Who's the new guy?"
"This is Vizi, our replacement Publio, except this one was properly trained."
"Yeah, he has a laser-sword and he force-hit a Brain Eater. He's basically a Jedi."




-"Can I get a new weapon too?"
"Sure. Now you already had a sword, Publio, but then you lost it. It's time for a more advanced weapon for you now... a shovel!"

[ATTACH=CONFIG]2830[/ATTACH]


-As the party is crossing the area affectionately named 'garbage island', they hear the pitiful high-pitched squeaky cries of a Dark Elf pleading for help.
"please...? someone? I'm still alive here but I can't move... I'm in horrible pain!"

-They check it out and find a Dark Elf trapped in a water-logged room, his legs totally shattered.
"Holy shit, he's even more pathetic than normal Dark Elves!"

-"I've got a medibot but I'm not wasting it on him."

-"How are we getting out of here?"
"Jaluddin is going to pick us up."
"...seriously?"
"Ok, I'll send a message for a skyship to Lol."

-"So this Sunstaff, it can get us to the Crown of Creation. But then what?"
"We can use the Sunstaff as a weapon."
"Wouldn't we need a wizard for that though?"
"I'm a wizard!!"
"Mu's a wizard?"
"HAHA, I seriously forgot Mu was a wizard, even out of character."

-"So Jaluddin was going to pick us up?That was seriously your plan?"
"yes."
"Dude, he's not coming."
"No, but... son of a bitch."

-"Do the Dark Elves have any useful wizards who could get us to Lol?"
"Soon all the world will see our dark powers!"
"Never mind, that squeaky voice just robs your people of all dignity."

-"We should go see the Azure Wizards. Maybe they got our stuff back."
"I think you're grossly overestimating the Azure Wizards."

-"why don't you want to go see the Azure Wizards?"
"Because they're failures."
"You're a failure, and we let you stay here with us."
"That hurts."

-"Lol isn't responding. We may have to get out of here on foot."
"Are there any friendly countries around?"
"Sure. The Dark Elf kingdoms are to the north, and the south has a large forest that may have some friendly mutant tribes."
"Fine. As long as there's no badlands on the way."
"Well... we're IN the 'badlands'."
"Oh shit."

-"Are we seriously going to the Dark Elf kingdoms? I mean, they are the most advanced culture around these parts but they're still freaking medieval... well, not so much 'medieval' as dumb-ass fantasy sword & sorcery."

-"Look, the Dark Elves will probably at least have wizards, right? One of them could help us."
"I bet you anything all their wizards are lame-ass summoners with skullcaps."

-The party puts the Dark Elf Cripple on a hoverboard, and ties him to Mu, basically reducing Mu to the role of a pack animal.
"Mu's finally useful!"
"Hey!"

-After failed attempts to take the hoverboard-cripple down the mountain path, the party finally prevails on Roman to use the medibot on him. Roman pulls on Mu's rope.
"Whoah.. woah there.."
"Hey! I'm not some kind of cow!"
"Muuuu..."
"I hate you guys so much."

-"What's your name?"
"Verigoth the terrible! And for healing me, the sword of Verigoth the Terrible will be yours! Well... as soon as I find a new sword."

-That night, while on guard, Vizi prevails on Verigoth to show him his 'awesome fight moves'. While Verigoth is fooling around in that way, a Griffin swoops down out of the darkness of night and viciously savages the Dark Elf.


-"Roman! Use your vibration hammer!"
"It doesn't work that way!"
"Hah, he knew what I meant."

-The Dark Elf tries to fight back, but only ends up breaking the Tormentor's sword, which Heidi had been letting him use.

-Vizi lays a killing blow with his laser-sword.
"You're coming along very nicely... I'll be watching your career with great interest."
"Yes, chancellor."




-"I'll heal the useful people first."

-The next day, the party has an encounter with 8 moose... mooses? meece!

[ATTACH=CONFIG]2831[/ATTACH]


-The mooseload are enemies of the Dark Elves.
"They are unbearable!"
"Well, at least we know these Mooses are an intelligent species."

-"This dark elf isn't with us!"
"He's just our servant now, that's why we only let him use a broken sword."

-Mongo shouts menacingly in Ancient.
"What did he say?"
"Oh, don't mind him, he's simple."
"Yeah, he's totally not the last surviving Ancient, that's for sure..."
"Shut up, Mu!"

-The Meese decide to make friends with the PCs, as long as they get to tie up the Dark Elf and throw rotted fruit at him.
"Sure!"

-"You should not trust these mooses!"
"They have no honor!"
"That, and also they want to hurl fruit at me."
"Hey, at least I plea bargained them down from feces."

-"When we get to the Dark Elf Shadowlands you must not speak of this."
"We promise, just like we promised we won't tell that you broke the Tormentor's sword."
"Yeah, or how Mu was raped by ghosts."
"Stop it!"

-The Mooses prepare a lovely picnic for the PCs, while they tie the Dark Elf to a tree.
"Wait, how the fuck do they tie him up? They're Moose, they have no hands."
"They use their mouths."
"They're surprisingly dextrous, disney-style, in spite of not having hands."

-"We will now use you as our weapons against our enemies!"
"The dark elves?"
"No, the Vegan Mutants; who we hate even more than the Dark Elves."

-"Why should we help you with your vendettas?"
"The food from our picnic was poisoned! If you want the antidote, you will destroy our enemies."
"Damn. Well, I'm mad, but I'm not opposed to exterminating vegans."

-"Will you be joining us, mooses?"
"No. We cannot be seen to have broken our peace treaty with them."
"Wow, you meece really are bastards."


-The PCs try to explain to the mooses the significance of Mongo.
"He's special...I mean in more ways than the obvious."
"I thought you said he was a simpleton?"
"Simpletons can be special!"

-"Never trust woodland creatures."
"Yes, a surprising number of them are total assholes."

-The Moose give Heidi a bag of weapons they'd captured from past victims.
"The vegans, what are their arms and armors?"
"Sharpened sticks and hemp coats."
"oh, good."

-"These mooses are total assholes, and they poisoned us; and still, in spite of never having met them, already  hate the Vegan Mutants more than them."




-"I was denied the only thing of worth I could have taken.."
"Your dignity?"
"No, the Dark Elf's armor."

-The PCs head off to commit genocide, but Heidi, remembering again that he's a pacifist, flies ahead and meets the Vegans. He concocts quite the tale to them, about an incoming disaster and that he's an agent of the Azure Wizards, and that they have to leave their home for another valley across the mountains.  Incredibly, they believe him.

-"So you convinced them to fuck off to the mountains?"
"Yes."
"You realize you just sent them all to their near-certain deaths anyways, right?"
"I won't be responsible for their deaths, though. Not directly, anyways."
"You have an interesting way of justifying yourself."
"I'm just letting nature take its course."
"Wow. I don't give a shit about these guys, but that's cold."

-"Now can I have the Dark Elf's armor?"
"No, you're not ready for that."
"I hate all you guys!"
"Hey look, Publio is at that rebellious age."
"Well he is at that level of maturity where he thinks dark-elf stuff is cool."

-"The Vegans had nothing of worth?"
"No."
Of course, Heidi avoids mentioning the literal ton of weed they took with them when they left, feeling sure that Vizi and Roman would hunt them down for it.

-"This has been the worst expedition ever. All my brothers in arms are either dead or dishonored, I was tree-bound by mooses... at least I wasn't raped by ghosts."
"That didn't happen!!"
"Oh, it did."

-Just when they thought the trip couldn't go further south, the party runs into a band of Dark Elves! It's lead by Azenabraith the Slayer, brother of Asiliath the Tormentor.
"You slew my brother in combat, so I honor you. What is your name?"
"Heidi."
"That is a warrior's name!"

-"So if you're elves, do you guys live in domes?"
"No, we have no need of domes, like our pale and pathetic cousins. We live in fortresses! Impressive dark fortresses! With many spikes! Needless spikes!"

-"Do you have wizards?"
"Yes, we have many mighty summoners."
"told you so."

-One of the Dark Elves stands guard with Mu.
"So, what are you?"
"I'm a wizard."
"Really?"
"Oh yeah, well what are you guys?"
"Warriors!"
"Show me your moves."




-As soon as the Dark Elf gets distracted showing his 'badass' moves, a band of orcs attack in an ambush!

-Roman utterly destroys an orc with his mind.
"Ok, what the fuck is Roman??!"

-Publio is "inspired" by the Dark Elves. Like any adolescent, he thinks drow are really cool.

-"Publio, you should prove yourself to the dark elves by acting like them!"
"Don't fucking encourage him, Mu!"

-"Maybe you should paint yourself black?"
"Shut up, Mu!"




-"The Dark Elves are like really pathetic klingons."


(unsurprisingly, this was the very first image to come up when I searched for 'pathetic klingons')

-The next night, while Vizi convinces yet another Dark Elf guy to show off his badass "moves", the party are attacked by a giant porcupine!
"Be careful! It's almost as lethal as a giant weasel!"

-Mu uses his Telepathy to enter into mental communication, only to discover the porcupine appears to have an Italian accent.
"Hey, what-a you-a doin makin-a noise near my nest?!"

-Mongo gets hit by a quill, and runs away! Roman runs after him.

-The Dark Elves also fail their morale check and run from the bombardment of quills, leaving only the PCs to face the deadly Italian Giant Porcupine.

-Vizi is taken down by the porcupine attacks (but he will survive). Mu and Heidi manage to kill the porcupine. As for Publio, he threw his shovel in a random direction, and then fell on the ground.


[ATTACH=CONFIG]2832[/ATTACH]


-Roman corrals the runaways and brings them back.
"There, see? It's dead. Any chance you had of proving yourselves mighty warriors has long since passed."

-"Is that healing robot working?"
"No. It broke down healing Mu."
"If it makes you happy, I too am almost dead."
"Why would I be happy about that, Publio? If you died I'd go back to being the most useless party member."

-"Ok, from now on, NO encouraging the dark elves to show off their 'cool combat moves' while keeping watch, damn it!"




-After a couple of more days travel, and no more 'cool combat moves', the PCs finally reach the end of the mountains.
"Behold, the Dark Elf Shadowlands!"
"It looks pretty arid and sunny for being 'shadowlands', I think."
"They are called the Shadowlands because they are the lands of the Dark Elves."
"Then why aren't you called the Shadow Elves?"
"...some people call us that.."
"No one calls you that!"
"I'll call you Shadow Elves.."
"You honor us!"

-They reach the biggest fortress, with the plan being to present themselves to the king. They're met there by a powerful-looking dark elf warrior with a voice as squeaky as all the other Dark Elves.
"I am Mereigoth Darkshadow, commander of the King's Guard."
"Hehe."
"What?"
"Oh, nothing.. I just have a cold."

-"Behold our King, Arianis Blackdragon; also our High Summoner Verminard the Sorcerer."
"Well, these guys won't be helpful..."

-"Maybe Jaludin did't come to get us because he caught Sezerkhan-aids?"
"And Lol has fallen?"
"For Jaludin's sake, I hope so."

-"Could anyone in your whole kingdom help us find a way to get to the city of Lol, high up in the floating islands?"
"Perhaps... only the Witch-Shaman."
"Which Shaman?"
"The Witch-Shaman."
"Is she a witch, or a shaman?!"
"There's two things you have to know about the Witch Shaman..."

-"She has studied not just sorcery but also the ways of the spirits."
"Been there!"
"So has Mu!"
"I have not!"

-"This warrior, Publio, wants to be like you Dark Elves, your Majesty."
"I really just want dark elf armor though.."
"Dude, you have trouble when you wear a barrel."
"Shut up! None of you understand me!"




-"Guys, when I get to play Bill again, if any of your PCs are still alive you have to tell me about this place; so I can come back and fuck it up beyond belief."


That's all for today; we leave off with the party taking some time to recover and then planning to go visit the Witch-Shaman, in what will almost certainly be either another side-quest or a complete waste of time.
Stay tuned!


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DCC Campaign Log
« Reply #106 on: September 07, 2018, 12:12:00 AM »
DCC Campaign Update: Don't Judge me, I Needed the Money


When we left off, our intrepid anti-heroes had made it to the fortress of the Dark Elves.  They had been told of the Witch-Queen, which looks like their only chance of getting back to Lol (given that the city isn't responding to their calls, and they suspect Jaludin has betrayed them).  For the moment, though, the party is resting for a week or so to try to recover.

Now:

-The Pundit's cat caught a bird.




"It's still alive!"
"Yeah, she's playing with it. She likes to torture her captures a bit and watch them suffer before killing them off."
"So, much like her master, huh?"
"Does your cat also GM DCC?"

-Mu is planning to cast "Find familiar" and he wants some help from the Dark Elf King's summoner. So he goes up to his tower, which is of course very black, and filled with skull motifs.
"The summoner even has little tiny skulls on his pointed shoes. They might be halfling-baby skulls or something."

-"What can you give me to help you?"
"I have this brain-eater body-part-mash. You could use it to summon a brain-eater!"
"Servants of the Dark Ones?! That way lies madness! Are you crazy? It'll be the ruination of us all! I'm all dark and sinister, but this is just completely fucked up! Get out of here!"

-Mu begins his slow process of turning into a supervillain.
"I'll find a great use for this brain-eater; then you'll see! You'll ALL see!!"

-Vizi and Roman spend most of the week using 'medicinal herbs'.  Publio is not impressed.
"I'm from Highbay; back there we give kids that stuff for breakfast."

[ATTACH=CONFIG]2874[/ATTACH]


-"So, what is Roman, again?"
"We don't know."
"I'm Tonut's uncle!"
"Oh... sorry for your loss."
"Huh? Oh yeah, he's dead... yeah, so sad."
"And for Sami too, you adopted her."
"I did? Oh shit, I forgot... I guess I should have suggested we dig her out from that cave in...oh, well."
"You're the one who said we should leave her behind!"
"I did?"
"You totally did. I think you said 'always leave hookers buried'."

-"No! No one is taking Mongo around the city with them, and no one is sparring with him! This guy is our ticket to the Crown of Creation! For fuck's sake, he's a musclebound retard; he couldn't be more at risk of dying if he was sexually attracted to fire!"
"How do you know he isn't?"

-Publio & Vizi go to the market.  Publio buys himself a pet monkey, for reasons only understandable to his adolescent mind.

-"I'm going to spend the week training my monkey!"
"The monkey flings shit at you."
"That's ok, it's all part of the training."

-Vizi goes to a healer; but he only caters to dark elves. Vizi offers him psychic services in exchange; and receives a vision of when the healer was frantically trying (and failed) to save the life of a dark elf officer with a big spike run right through him.

[ATTACH=CONFIG]2875[/ATTACH]


"You are a true psychic! It is true, but you have now reminded me of my greatest failure. To this day I have not been able to devise the correct herbal treatment for curing someone who's been impaled by a huge spike."

-Mu summons his familiar: it turns out to be a chimpanzee in a little wizard costume.


[ATTACH=CONFIG]2876[/ATTACH]

-The Chimpanzee can't talk, but can communicate telepathically with Mu. It turns out his name is Gilbert, and he (mentally) has a british accent.

-When Gilbert sees Publio's monkey, he's immediately attracted.
"I'm going to sniff her arse sooo much!"

-Heidi makes it clear that he thinks Publio is not mature enough to take care of a monkey.
"Who's going to end up walking it, huh? And cleaning up after it? And now with the wizard-chimp we're going to have to worry about them having monkey-puppies."

-The party heads out across the Shadowlands to see the Witch-Shaman.  Along the way, they end up being ambushed by orcs! Publio throws a rock at one, misses, and gets cut down!

-Roman once again blows up the brains of about a dozen orcs.

-The orcs are driven off, but it turns out Publio is dead!
"Aww."
"It's ok. He had 7 Luck. It's a miracle he lasted this long."

-The wizard-chimp had hidden for safety, with Publio's monkey, behind some rocks. Now the wizard chimp comes out behind the rocks with a satisfied look, smoking a cigarette.


[ATTACH=CONFIG]2877[/ATTACH]

-"Gilbert, with Publio dead you'll have to take care of the she-monkey."
"Now hang about, old chap! It's one thing to get a bit of totty for fun, but quite another to be tied down with her! We should just leave her here in the oasis."
"Won't that hurt her feelings?"
"I really don't think she's clever enough to understand or care. I mean, she's peeing on the corpse of her former master as we speak.."

-The party reaches the cave of the Witch-Shaman. She makes some dubious prophecies about how someone's goal is to conquer all of Creation, and how Heidi is going to die very soon, when he's up in the sky. To prove her power, she summons up "the rest of your party", which is Sami (who had been slowly dying all this time inside the ruined skyship following the cave-in), and three newbies no one had ever heard of.  They are an orc, an annoying bard with a recorder-flute, and a vegan-mutant.

-"You left me for dead, you fucks!"
"To be fair, it would have taken us several hours to dig you out."

-Heidi is quite concerned about his death-prophecy.
"What did you mean, about me dying, Witch-Shaman?"
"Ye will die, when you go up high into the sky!"
"Whoa, she must be a really good prophetess..she rhymed!"
"She's impressive...you're doomed, man."

-"Who's the chimp in the wizard outfit?"
"That's my familiar, Gilbert."
"Well, good! We finally have a wizard in the party."
"Hey!"

-The Dark Elf who had been accompanying the party since the Ancients' ruin had only agreed to guide them to the Witch-Queen because his honor had been besmirched by Vizi, and he said that when they arrived at their destination he and Vizi would have a duel.  The time has come.
"So, to first blood, right?"
"Yes."
"I decapitate him."

-Looting the dark elf's body, they find a book of dubious pornographic sketches that seem to feature Sami in her previous profession as a strap-on wielding sex worker.
"Hey, it's Sami!"
"Give me that!! Don't judge me, I needed the money!"




-The Witch-Shaman gives the party 3 questions. They utterly waste two of them, but the third is actually relevant to their interest, as they ask what would be the next step to fulfill their mision.
"You must go into the hills and find... a bear!"
"What?"

-"Maybe its a metaphorical bear?"

-"Will you heal me?"
"I hate you the most, Roman, you left me to die!"
"Hey, I adopted you!"
"Well... anything for family."

-That night, after going in search of a bear in the hills, the party gets attacked by hippogriffs!  Vizi, the party's second-best warrior, hides behind some bushes, again.
"Why does vizi keep on hiding?"
"I want to take them by surprise!"
"God damn it, you're a warrior, we need you on the front line."
"I rolled a 20."
"Wow... that's surprisingly good hiding for a warrior."

-The hippogriffs are driven off, but not before the flute-playing minstrel died. There was much rejoicing.

[ATTACH=CONFIG]2878[/ATTACH]


-"Now I have to come up with a personality for the vegan."
"I would suggest 'annoying'."

-Heidi is now 1xp from leveling up.
"I'm so dead!"

-"Maybe your death-prophecy is a metaphor too; like you get really high and die of an overdose?"
"That's very possible, Heidi, you should leave the medicinal herbs to us!"

-The vegan survived but had one of his arms shattered.
"I'll heal the vegan's arm, but only because it's too gross."
"Are you going to apply some kind of herbal ointment?"
"No, she does Reiki."
"Don't encourage him!"

-"You don't need to worry about healing me, I'll be fine!"
"You're a vegan; you barely have any antibodies! If I don't heal you you're going to die of infection!"

-It takes Sami multiple tries to repair the vegan mutant's broken arm.
"Finally! I healed you."
"I don't know, it might have been that kale he ate."
"I hate you all.."




-A couple of days later, the PCs spot a rocket in the middle of the woods. Incredibly, the rocket appears to be in the process of being slowly repaired by a bear. There are some serious communications issues at first and it looks like the bear will be hostile, until Mu remembers he has the psychic power to talk to animals.




-It turns out the bear has always dreamed of getting to fly. His ancestors had seen the rocket in the air before it crashed, so he spent his life trying to figure out how to fix it. Roman takes a quick look and figures that the PCs could jury-rig it into a (barely) flyable state with a few days of work. Cue the A-Team Montage!




-Vizi has a psychic vision of the rocket when it crashed; of a wizard sobbing uncontrollably while encrypting some media files and then declaring that 'no one must ever know'.

-"So the previous owner of the rocket had some terrible secret no one must ever know? I bet it's inter-species porno!"
"Why did you go straight to interspecies porno?!"
"I don't know. Maybe it's because that bear is so rugged and handsome..."

-Sami has the hots for the bear, particularly after he violently drives off a Giant Badger (the bear later psychically explains to Mu that the badger is "a total asshole").
"So, is there a Mrs.Bear?"




-Unfortunately for Sami, the bear is very not interested in her.
"His only love is the sky!"

-"My Vegan-Mutant people all died in the mountains. We had to leave our village because Bill the Elf was coming."
"Yeah, well, actually there was some confusion about that. It wasn't quite accurate."
"So my people died for nothing?"
"Yup."

-That night, Heidi gets his 1xp by avoiding combat with a pair of giant wasps while standing guard.
"Great! Now the party is immune to Morris being Leader!"
"But we're not immune to his ASS."

-Ever since he heard about the wizard and the media files, Roman has been useless in helping with the repairs. He's been trying to spend all his time decrypting the files. Unfortunately, they have "64-level encryption", which makes them almost impossible to crack.
Sami, who has money riding on whether it's interspecies porno, even tries to use Divine Aid to crack the files, but it doesn't work.

-Heidi is sick of his own fear, and decides to fly up into the air and confront his mortality. He flies up and... nothing happens. He starts to happily soar through the air.
Everyone else is busy watching him go and cheering him on, so no one notices the two Sand-Elemental Ninja-Cows who come in and surprise attack!
"Shit, maybe the prophecy was actually that all the rest of us are going to die while Heidi is high in the sky!"





-The Sand Cows are impossible to hit except by magic or magic-weapons. The PCs are on the ropes but the real target is the rocket, which the Cows try to knock down!

-Finally, Vizi manages to psychically dominate one of the cows, to make it attack the other. Roman blows the other one up, and Vizi sends the one he controlled into the bear's cave and orders it to explode.

-"What the fuck were those things?"
"Elemental Sand-Cows. Created by the fucking Archemaster!"

-"Does this mean the Archemaster got out of the Forever Pit?"
"Probably. And that might explain why Lol isn't answering us."
"And how did he know where to find us?"
"Because I've been transmitting messages to Lol?"

-Heidi returns from his joyflight a few minutes after the battle ends.
"You absolute bastard."
"Hey, I didn't die!"
"You'll probably die in the rocket flight..."
"That would be OK because I'd be taking you all with me."

-Roman finally decripts the media files. It's not porno, inter-species or otherwise. It's actually a break-up message from an attractive human girl named Lysa, who is dumping the former owner of the rocket, a wizard named Timoteus. She's dumping him because he was so nerdy he stood her up for a date in order to make it to a Posh Elf stamp-collecting convention. Roman reveals that Timoteus was the name of the wizard who eventually went mad, and became The Archemaster!
"So that explains why he's always trying to get a fair human maiden!!"






-"What should we do with this video?"
"The Archemaster tried to kill us to avoid it being discovered."
"Then obviously, we need to transmit it on all channels so that everyone can know his secret shame!"
"Now he'll really want to kill us!"
"Yeah, but fuck him."

-Fortunately, the sand cows were dispatched before they could do any permanent damage to the rocket. But now that the PCs suspect Lol has falled into the Archemaster's hands, they decide that instead of flying to Lol, they're going to go straight to Geb, where the Sunstaff is said to be found.


Will the PCs manage to save the universe before the Archemaster murders them for revealing his humiliating secret?  Check back in our next installment to find out!


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DCC Campaign Log
« Reply #107 on: September 20, 2018, 04:14:13 AM »
DCC Campaign Update: Fuck Station Aleph


Last time, the PCs had found an old rocket (being slowly repaired by a bear with a dream of going into the sky), that might just be able to get them back up to somewhere near where they have to go to complete their complicated quest to get the Sunstaff, get to the Crown of Creation, and somehow rescue G.O.D.

In the process, they discovered the rocket had (long ago) belonged to the Archemaster, and they sent out his secret to the whole world, that his obsession with attractive young human girls was a product of his having been dumped by one over a century ago.

Now:

-"Remember, eating apples and bananas doesn't make you a vegan. Eating bananas and apples while acting smug about it makes you a vegan!"

-Mu's player is disappointed by the Archemaster.
"I thought he wanted a human girl for some dark ritual, and it turns out he's just pathetic."
"I'm amazed you're surprised by this, by now."

-"We have to do two things to get back up there: we need two days of good no-distraction work to fix the rocket, and careful watches to stop anyone from destroying the rocket."
"Someone is going to trash the rocket."

-PCs are discussing whether to go to Lol or the Geb asteroid, and end up planning to steal a better skyship from the Posh Elves.

-The orc newbie is directed to go empty the rocket's septic tank, and he gets attacked by a giant snake!
"There's motherfucking snakes in this motherfucking rocket!"





-"Mongo, no! Stay back, you don't know where that thing has been!"
"We know where it's been, it's been in the septic tank!"
"Oh, right, the snake is probably filthy too."

-The snake is on its last legs after Sami hits it with a well-placed dagger... well, you know what I mean. The Vegan kills it.
"I'm not retrieving that dagger, it's lost to me."
"Why?"
"It's covered in shit!"
"I'll take it!"

-The party gets back to work on the rocket, but didn't actually clean up the spillage from the septic tank, or the dead shit-covered snake.
This ends up attracting a pair of Shit-Eaters, hideous slime-monsters that feed on... well, you  know.

-"Are they made of shit?"
"A certain percentage of them is made of shit."

-"They were drawn by the septic runoff."
"So can't we just back away from them and let them eat it all?"
"The problem is we all have tastier shit. You know, inside us."

-"I have a plan! Quick, shit on my hands!"
"You already owe me too much money, dude."
"What the fuck is happening here?! When the fuck did this get so weird?"
"You didn't see things thus far as weird?"
"Maybe Heidi is secretly Dutch?"

-They manage to wipe out the Shit-Eaters, and the Vegan Mutant levels up into a Wizard. In following with most wizards in the campaign he gets several mostly-useless spells, but he also gets Animal Summoning, which is a potentially decent spell.
"I collect bear hairs."
"So, if he gets hair from space-bear, does that mean he'll summon sentient bears?"
"We all know why you're really asking that, Sami."




-The Vegan Wizard's only good spell (animal summoning) has the mercurial effect that he randomly corrodes a nearby metallic object every time he casts it. So he picks up several dozen chunks of scrap metal from the rocket repairs.
"OK, that's a good plan, but where are you going to carry all that?"
"I have this sack full of weed, I could use the sack.."
"We'll need to empty that out.. let's get to work!"

-The rocket is ready but the party is undecided where to go (the plan being to go somewhere to probably steal a better ship than this piece of crap they're on); so they decide to check the comments on the video of the Archemaster's humiliation to see if it gives them any ideas. The video got 400000 hits, and over 2500 comments!
"There's tons of comments from the Kekistani Air Force; they keep calling him a 'cuck' for some reason."





-"Hmmm... there's also a lot of comments coming from Fuck Station Aleph."

-Fuck Station Aleph was originally created as an orbital space station with a mega-cannon, meant to be used against the Dark Ones. The weapon failed, and the place was abandoned for centuries until squatters moved in, and eventually the whole place got turned into an enormous red-light-district of the skies. Obviously, the party decides to go there.

-The rocket takes off and it's a very shaky ride. But eventually the station is in sight.
"HRURRRH"
"No, Space Bear, that's no moon.. that's Fuck Station Aleph."

-Fuck Station Aleph looks like a pimped-out Death Star with 'Get It Here' written on one side in giant letters a mile wide.





-The Rocket's landing thrusters are unstable, and it's going to crash into the outer-hull of Fuck Station Aleph.
"Attention, Fuck Station Aleph, we are out of control. We're going to be coming down hard on you."
"Ha ha!"

-The rocket's crash is not terrible, but it does damage the outer hull of the station, and renders the rocket inoperable. The PCs are greeted by a rescue-crew of large humanoid space-gerbils, and a hot tree-woman.
"The Vegan is turned on."




-The Station is gigantic, and has a lot more than just prostitutes. There's an enormous bazaar, and tons of other services. After trading out some gems for credits, the bulk of the PCs want to get high-tech weapons and armor, while Mu wants very badly to check out the magic shops. A passer-by informs him the magic alley is near "the Orgasmotron". They find Tech City first, and Mu decides to ask one of the sales reps for directions.
"Excuse me, sir... do you know where the Orgasmotron is?"
"Oh, you're one of THOSE people.."
"What? No! I didn't mean that!"
"Oh let me guess, you're 'just asking for a friend'."

-The party doesn't just buy high-tech weapons and armor, they also buy healing nanobot hypo-sprays, much to the chagrin of Sami the cleric.
"Hey, don't be offended! This is just in case you die... wait, let me rephrase that: this is for when you die."

-"You always stock up when you get to any high-tech area, because you know that most of the time you'll be stuck in some shit-hole where you're lucky if you can get a pointed stick."

-The Magic Alley of Fuck Station Aleph is not as promising as Tech City was. It's got lots of places selling dubious fortune-telling, Reiki To Full Completion, and Crystal Bead Therapy.

-They find a magic bookstore, mainly filled with useless junk and new-age books. But the Vegan Wizard casts Detect Magic and takes note that there are a few scrolls behind the counter and one book in the "antique books" section that are actually magical. The book is a sinister-looking thing called The Red Grimoire.
"Does it have an index?"
"No."
"Does it have a bookmark?"
"No, but it does have one page with a blood-soaked fingerprint mark on it."




-The owner is an obese middle-aged hippie named Grizelda.
"Excuse me, I'm looking for a specific scroll and I'm wondering if you have it?"
"What is it?"
"Forget."
"You know, I don't recall if I have that!"

-The Vegan Mutant is caught trying to tear a page off the Red Grimoire!
"Please don't call the security force! He's just an idiot"
"Yeah, he can work for you!"
"I don't need anyone to work here!"
"Well, maybe you could think of something?"
"Hmm... well, he is frail and sickly.. that's just my type!"
"Oh no..."

-The party leaves the Vegan Wizard behind for a night of what will no doubt be extreme discomfort. Mu makes himself invisible and hides in the store when Grizelda closes it, deciding he might as well make use of the Vegan's temporary status as harem-boy to steal all the scrolls and the Red Grimoire.  Everyone else keeps checking out Magic Alley, and they find that Fuck Station Aleph has a Curiosity Shoppe!




-While stuck in the Magic bookstore, Mu starts to read the Red Grimoire.
"OK, make a Will save."
"9"
"You don't have a bonus?"
"Oh, right... 8."

-The weirdo running the curiosity shoppe only accepts barter. He ends up trading some of the PCs' junk for Ekim's Facial Surgery Mask, and a +1 Ring of Strength.
"These aren't cursed, right?"
"Nooo! However, if you use the Mask you should steer clear of high temperature areas."

-"How does this guy stay in business?!"
"Don't question it."

-Vizi also trades some useless items, but instead of a magic item, he gets some sunglasses shaped like stars.




-After leaving the Curiosity Shoppe and while heading to a bar to find a pilot (they decided they might as well hire a ship, rather than steal it), they pass by the magic bookstore and see Mu there. Mu's got the scrolls and the Red Grimoire, but he can't figure out the code to unlock the store's front door to get out before Grizelda is done with the Vegan.  He looks pleadingly at them for help through the shop window.
"Should we let him out?"
"Nah."

-"You could use your sonic tool, Sami.."
"I traded it at the Curiosity Shoppe, remember?"
"oh."

-Roman still has his Sonic, however. He signs to Mu that he'll let Mu out in exchange for the Red Grimoire.  At first Mu is reluctant but when the party threatens to just keep going he agrees quickly and is set free.

-"Wait, what will we do when Grizelda gets up and sees we stole the scrolls and the book?"
"We have plausible deniability... wait, let me disable that camera. There! Now we have plausible deniability."




-The pilots' bar is a typical 'hive of scum and villainy', complete with funky space-music and a crazy mix of non-human weirdos.

[ATTACH=CONFIG]2929[/ATTACH]



-"Ugh, Cyborg-Knights. I hate those guys."
"What are they?"
"They're cyborgs who are also knights."

-The bar also has a dog-man, someone in a "Sky Police" uniform, and a black guy with an afro and a kind of sci-fi pimp outfit with a cape.
"That guy has a cape, so you know he's cool"



-The cape-guy also has sunglasses shaped like triangles, so Vizi instantly heads to talk to him. Heidi goes to check out the Sky Policeman instead.

-The Sky Policeman is the last survivor of the Sky Police, who were wiped out a few years back by the Sky-Nazis.  He's a deeply traumatized law & order square. He's willing to take on the PCs' mission if it's for the sake of "law and order", and to do it for free, but gives off a clear sense that he could have problems all his own.
"You're not going to engage in any unlawful behavior, right?"
"Oh, yeah, we're totally in it for the Law & Order."

-"I mean, of course, sometimes we break a few of the rules; you know, for the sake of getting things done."
"Well... that's probably fine. I mean, I was a bit of a rules-breaker myself. I was the first man in the Sky Police to break regulations and grow a mustache! But I shaved it off two days later."

-Vizi and the other guy spend a few moments congratulating each other on their cool shades, before they're joined by Roman who wants to get actual facts.
"So what's your name?"
"Blitzkrieg Sakomano!"
"Are you a great pilot?"
"Man, I did the Kossuth Run in 42 minutes!"
"Wow. That's like, 12 parsecs!"

-"Look, we need to stay under the radar."
"That's cool, 'under the radar' is my middle name."
"So wait.. your name is Blitzkrieg Under The Radar Sakomano?"
"That's a rad name!"

-"Would you accept part of your payment in 'medicinal herbs'?"
"Shit, yeah!"
"I can see we're going to get along just fine."

-The PCs are divided as to whether to go with the Sky Policeman or Sakomano. Heidi, Sami, and Mu want to go with the Sky-cop, while Roman, Vizi and Space-Bear want to go with Sakomano.
"Dude, the Sky-cop wants law & order. We were on Fuck Station Aleph for less than two hours and we already committed grand robbery."
"Well, let's agree not to do it again, OK?"
"Oh, please. We all know we suck at not being horrible people, Heidi."

-The vote is still tied.
"We could ask the Vegan?"
"No, lets just flip a coin."
"Yeah, that sounds better."
"I have a fake Smithplium coin. I think it's symbolic of everything this group stands for."
-The coin-flip comes up for Sakomano.
"Ok, but he wants money, unlike the other guy. How do we pay him?"
"I still have the 4900 you gave me, that's almost half of what he's asking up-front."
"Yeah, but what he wants up front is only half of what he's asking in total!"
"That's a problem for Future-Us."

-Meanwhile, Grizelda was finally done with the Vegan Wizard. As soon as she stepped out front into her shop, she realized she'd been robbed. As soon as she stepped back into the back room, the Vegan mutant brutally murders her by summoning several snakes to surprise-attack her.  Then he robs the till and high-tails it out of there, since she'd managed to call for security before he killed her.
"Holy shit! What did you just do?!"
"So much for 'under the radar'."





-Trying to find his companions, the Vegan Wizard gets to the Curiosity Shoppe.
"Do you know where the adventurers who were here earlier went?"
"Are you asking 'do you have information on where the adventurers who were here earlier went'?"
"...Yes."
"I DO!"

-"OK, so we'll meet up with you in hangar bay 6 in a couple of hours after I've completed the ship's safety checks."
"Guys? I just saw an alert. The Vegan just murdered someone. Should we leave earlier?"
"Sure we can. Shit, how many security checks do we need, really?"

-"The bear will be my co-pilot!"
"Didn't you say 'Blitzkrieg Sakomano flies alone' like five minutes ago?"
"Blitzkrieg changed his mind!"

-"That's my ship over there.. the Superfly-1!"




-Heidi, Sami and Mongo had gone to get some final supplies. Only Mongo makes his perception check and notices the "wanted" alert for the Vegan wizard, but the others ignore him.

-The station security guards spot the Vegan at the cargo bay and start to chase him.
"Man, I'm glad we didn't go with the Space-cop!"

-"If the shit hits the fan, I'll fly Mongo to the ship, you save the Vegan."
"Why?"
"If we're in trouble.."
"No, I mean why save the vegan?"
"He has the money."

-Mu had just bought a jet-pack. He uses it to try to fly straight to the Superfly-1. But having never flown it before, he fails spectacularly and slams into the side of a Kekistani Meme-Transport Ship.
-"I turn invisible."
"Why didn't you do that before crashing your jetpack?"
"I was nervous, mistakes were made!"




-Blitzkrieg gets Space Bear to start up the ship, while he fires on the guards to cover the PCs still making their way over.




-There's a crazy firefight, with several party members still all but hanging off the gangplank when the ship takes off and escapes from the hangar of Fuck Station Aleph.  It looks like no one actually died, but Blitzkrieg is eager to fly them out of there as quickly as possible, as they might be pursued.
"Next stop, Geb! Punch it, Space-Bear."
"MRAWWWH"




-"Great. That's one more locale on our list of 'places we can never go back to again'."


That's it for today. The PCs have a cool new pilot and a cool new ship and they're finally on the way to Geb. That is, assuming they can avoid pursuit from Fuck Station Aleph's Valkyrie fighters.


RPGPundit

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(september 16, 2017)
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DCC Campaign Log
« Reply #108 on: October 09, 2018, 07:11:44 AM »
DCC Campaign Archive: They're Pre-emptive Snakes!


When we left off in our last session, the PCs were racing away from Fuck Station Aleph on the Superfly-1, being hotly pursued by the Station's Valkyrie Fighters.

Now:

-"Do you have anywhere we could lay low, Blitzkrieg?"
"Well, there's that deadly asteroid field over there."
"Oh.. and.. are you good with that?"
"Man, I'm good with everything!"

-"Hey can I start shooting at something?"
"You can start shooting at everything!"

-"Shut up, this is all your fault! You killed that woman with your snakes!"
"With all my snakes! It was awesome."
"No, it's awful."
"Well, I am a vegan."





-The Superfly-1 is being pursued by Valkyrie Fighter ships, which look like giant boobs.


[ATTACH=CONFIG]2961[/ATTACH]


-"Sakomano, just asking.. but do you have any spare vacuum-suits?"
"Hell no! Why would we need that?"

-Blitzkrieg avoids the first shots by veering the Superfly-1 slightly to the left.
"Awesome! He knows maneuvers!"





-Unfortunately, the Valkyrie Fighters also know maneuvers, and when they hit the Superfly-1 everyone on board does the Star Trek Shuffle.





-"Blitzkrieg are you sure you want to fly us into an asteroid field? We've got people on board who are 1xp from leveling up!"
"Never tell me the odds!"

-Vizi, operating the Superfly-1's turret-cannon, manages to hit one of the Valkyrie Fighters, causing it to retreat. Then he hits another making it slam into the third.
"Stop it, Vizi! You're giving me false hope we'll survive this!"
"Hope is my middle name!"
"Really? What's your last name?"
"Yeah.. Vizi 'hope'...what?"
"Fuck you guys! I don't have a last name. I hope to get one someday."

-"use the force, Vizi!"
"Huh? Roman?! What the fuck are you doing sneaking up behind me and whispering into my ear?!"
"I said 'use more force'! Your attenuator is only on 'Low'!"
"Ohhh... ok."

-The Valkyrie ships are now close enough that the PCs can see through their cockpit-windows.
"The Valkyries are being piloted by real Valkyries, you guys!"
"Well, hot babes, anyways."




-"Are you sure they're not going to spot us hidden behind this asteroid? Should we shut off all power or something?"
"Nah, this is an Energy-Saver ship. When it's idle it can't be detected."
"Blitzkrieg believes in saving the environment."

-While Roman is repairing the damage to the ship with Space-Bear, Mu gets Blitzkrieg to search the Interwebs for 'Roman Beckett'. They find that there's tons of hits, maybe too many, but all of them are only from the last two years. It's like Roman didn't exist before that.

-"Hey what are you guys doing up here?"
"Nothing, Roman! Totally not looking up stuff about someone on the Interwebs!"

-That night, Mu levels up, to level 3.
"Yes! Now my Will save is +0!"

-Sami and Heidi were both knocked out in the firefight with the Valkyries and they're still unconscious the next day (their players didn't come).
"I think they've slipped into a coma. Should we do something?"
"They'll be fine."

-The Superfly-1 finally arrives on Gebo. They expected to find the Sezrekhan-zombie Bill the Elf there, but he's gone. There's also evidence that Jal'udin's men were here. Vizi has a psychic vision of Jal'udin on the asteroid, kidnapping Bill (alive) and being unable to decipher the secret of the monolith. But he was planning to go find the answer back on Lol.

-"Wait.. Bill the Elf has a snake-head?"
"And he wears flip-flops."
"Man, I have got to meet this motherfucker!"

-Roman warns Vizi that he shouldn't try to use his psychic powers to 'read the monolith', but the rest of the party believes he's using reverse-psychology on him.

-"Look, just do it or don't do it."
"There is no try."

-Vizi tries to psychically sense the monolith, but he only ends up seeing a vision of Bill the Elf murdering Fluffy the Cat and his minder.

-"So Bill didn't betray us after all?"
"He was betraying fluffy?"
"One thing's for sure, he was betraying someone!"
"Maybe more."

-"So Jaludin is trying to figure out the answer to the monolith riddle. What do we do?"
"We could go to the library of Barth."
"Barf?"
"Barth."
"Who the fuck picks these names?"

-The plan is either to go to the library of Barth, which is another huge orbital library but on general-subjects, or to go back and infiltrate Lol and steal the brain of Zuman from Lol's mausoleum.

-"I know! We could flood the city with snakes!"
"That won't help!"
"How about cats?"

-"Is Ekim's brain in the mausoleum?"
"Yes."
"Ok, because I would like to file a complaint."

-They decide to go to Lol. On the way Roman admits he's pretty sure Mu will be recognized and captured, so the other PCs would be better off going separately from him.
"You should stay on the ship, Mu, if you have any brains."
"No, I'm going to take the risks."
"Suit yourself."
"Wait.. was that reverse psychology again? Are you planning to have me go to cause a distraction?"

-"Me and Blitkrieg will stay behind here on the ship. And we'll rescue you if.. bwah hahaha.. oh man, I'm sorry, I just can't keep saying that with a straight face."

-"Ok, so we're going in two different paths"
 "You're team Monkey and we're team Snakes!"
"Yeah, me going around with a monkey-wizard familiar definitely isn't going to make me stand out..."

-The Superfly-1 lands in the Lol spaceport. The area is crawling with black-armored High Council guards, and there's propaganda posters everywhere, with slogans like 'Peace Has Returned' or 'Report Sezrekhan Zombies to Your Local Extermination Squad'.

-They get interviewed by the Port Authority.
"Occupation?"
"Shaman."
"Are you a wizard?"
"No."
"Do you cast spells?"
"No, I smoke herbs and have visions."
"Oh. I'll just put you down as 'hippie'.  And your profession, sir?"
"Vegan."
"Ok, make that 'two hippies'."


[ATTACH=CONFIG]2962[/ATTACH]


-"Are you now or have you ever been part of a revolutionary organization?"
"No. Well, he's a vegan."
"I said revolutionary, not stupid."

-When Vizi and the Vegan wizard get up onto the streets of Lol, they see some kind of a rally going on. Apparently sanctioned or at least unmolested by the police forces, the marchers are carrying placards saying 'expel interplanar degenerates', 'down with the Greys', and 'make Lol great again'.

-Mu, meanwhile, has snuck in with invisibility, and then flies over straight to the mausoleum. He's recognized by the mausoleum keeper but goes invisible again, gets past the guards, and managed to get to Zuman's brain.  Zuman explains his code.
"The numbers on the monolith... they are a library code. Find the book it corresponds to, and you will have your password!"
"...why don't you just tell me what it is?"
"...fine. It's 'The Dark Gate'. You're no fun!"

-As he's leaving the mausoleum, still invisible, Mu sees Vizi and the Vegan. But instead of telling them he's already succeeded in the mission, he can't be arsed and just leaves them there.

-In any case, Vizi and the Vegan weren't heading to the mausoleum. One-upping Mu in sheer crappiness, they decide to ignore the mission completely and head over to the market.
"What's the best jet-pack you've got?"
"That would be the Huntsman. It costs 1500 credits."
"Oh. Ok, how about the cheapest jetpack you've got?"
"These ones in the pile were made in a Kekistani sweatshop. They cost 600 credits. No warranty."
"..do you have anything in the middle?"
"We have the Flightmaster, it's decent, for 750 credits. Or the Lady Flightmaster, for 790."
"What's the difference between the two?"
"The Lady Flightmaster is pink."
"I'll take the Lady Flightmaster, please!"

-Vizi and the Vegan buy comms, jet packs, particle belts and take a bunch of selfies. Roman contacts them and tells them to get back to the ship.

-At the fair, there's an anti-Archemaster protest. The black guard come in.
"Ok, beat the shit out of anyone who's identity scan registers their profession as 'hippie'!"
"oh, shit!"

-Meanwhile, Mu has gotten back to the spaceship, but since he'd been spotted at the mausoleum, he's most wanted, and the port authority are searching everything.
"What do I do?"
"Quick man, hide here in this secret smuggler's compartment!"
"Wait, I'm getting in there too."
"There's not enough room for both of us, Roman!"
"Tough, get ready to snuggle up, Mu."

-"What do we do, Vizi?"
"Let's just pretend we're dumb tourists"
"I have a problem with you saying that's just pretending."

-Mu and Roman are discovered by the port authority guards. Roman blows one's brains out; Mu blasts another two with magic missiles.

-Vizi and the Vegan mutant make it down to the ship in the middle of the fight with the guards. The vegan wizard takes a swing at a guard with his sword.
"Hah! The Vegan wizard fights like Publio used to!"

-Blitzkrieg Sakomano joins the shooting.
"All you black-helmet motherfuckers get the fuck off my ship!"

-One of Jal'udin's assassins is also at the spaceport, and starts a lightsaber duel with Vizi!




-Rather than risk the lightsaber fight, though, Vizi decides to just psychically dominate the assassin.

-The Superfly-1 takes off, escaping Lol, taking the assassin with them.

-Vizi tries to get the assassin high on medicinal herbs to have him talk; but his training is just too good. So Roman decides to brain-fry the Assassin to find out what he knows. This confirms what they all suspected: Jal'udin and the Archemaster are allies.
Vizi decapitates the assassin.

-They get back to Gebo. Mu circles the monolith and speaks the words, and the monolith opens a dark gateway.

-"Remember, the demon Rataxos is in there. He'll try to convince you to let him free. Don't let him!"
"But maybe he'd be a good patron?"
"No!"

-The Vegan Wizard conjures some snakes.
"Why did you do that?"
"They're pre-emptive snakes."

-Sakomano and Space-Bear stay behind on the superfly-1, taking care of Mongo (who is too valuable to be risked), while the rest of the party enters the monolith.

-They find themselves in total darkness. The Vegan wizard casts 'detect magic' and sees that they're in a corridor, and several horrific photo-negative giant centipedes are heading their way!

-In the fight the Vegan Wizard keeps spellburning 1 point at a time to recover his Animal Summoning spell, and keeps losing it.
"I don't get you. You burned like 10 points to murder the shopkeeper back on Fuck Station Aleph, but here we're fighting for our lives against extraplanar monsters and you're pussyfooting it."
"She was a greater danger to me than these bugs."

-Just as they're getting into trouble, a magic missile comes from the darkness and blasts one of the bugs!

-The Vegan Wizard finally manages to summon a giant porcupine, which quills the living fuck out of the last of the demonic bugs.

-"So, can I ride around on my giant porcupine?"
"What the hell is wrong with you?"

-"Come to think of it, how the hell do porcupines make love?"
"Very carefully."



-The PCs finally see who helped them in the fight, as out of the darkness comes... the Hippomagus!

-"Do you have the sunstaff?"
"It is in the hands of the demon rataxos! If we want it, we will have to work together to have any chance of defeating him."
"Oh, shit."


That's it for this session. Will the PCs be able to get the sunstaff at long last?
Find out in our next session!

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DCC Campaign Log
« Reply #109 on: November 01, 2018, 04:26:29 PM »
DCC Campaign Update: OK, so Nobody Fart Then!


So, in our last session, the PCs had just gotten out of the city of Lol, after finding out the secret to how to open the monolith on Gebo. They went to that asteroid, opened the gate, and entered a dark labyrinth where they had to fight some horrific negative-energy bugs. During the fight, they were assisted by the Hippomagus!


Now:

-"Fuck Sami's player's lifestyle choices. Why the fuck would anyone rather have explosive diarrhea than play our DCC game?"
"Yeah, especially since the experience is largely the same."


[ATTACH=CONFIG]3001[/ATTACH]

-"Who are you?"
"I'm the Hippomagus!"
"Oh yeah! We're here to find you!"
"No we aren't."
"We're here to get the Sunstaff."
"Oh! Right. That was like 5 quests ago, so I got confused."




-"We'll have to trick Rataxos to get the Sunstaff."
"How do we trick a daemon?"
"Very carefully."

-"Can you light your staff?"
"Yes, but you'll see that the light here is diminished in intensity because of the intense darkness of this demiplane."
"Ok, so nobody fart then!"
"What?!"

-"While you were missing, the Archemaster took over the high council of wizards."
"What?"
"Also, most of the council is dead."
"What?!"
"Yeah, way to bury the lead, Mu."


-"Who are you?"
"My name's Roman."
"That's a coincidence. I had an uncle named Roman."
"Weird."


-"Why did you come here, Hippomagus?"
"Like you, for the sunstaff."
"Why did you want the sunstaff?"
"For the prestige."
"But now we need it, to save the world from Sezrekhan."
"Obviously, yes."
"You can get it back after we're done with it. After all, we don't have any wizards in our party."
"Hey!!"

-More bugs attack! Specifically, a couple of them jump Mu and the Hippomagus!
"We have to help the Hippomagus!"
"Hey!"
"Sorry, he's a valuable member of the party."
"HEY!"
"Yeah, he's the only wizard we have."

-The Hippomagus and Vizi are hit by black gunk that the bugs spew from their rear ends, which makes them start to suffocate. Both manage to survive by sheer luck.
"Vizi, due to your brain being starved of air you lose.. 1 permanent point of strength."
"Strength?"
"Maybe muscle memory loss?"
"Oh, ok."

-Mu manages to destroy one with spellburn-enhanced magic-missile casting, but he's stuck being unable to say anything but "Mu" for the rest of the day.

-They eventually get to the heart of the labyrinth, where they find a gateway with runes. Mu tries to read the runes, but fails.
"Even if he'd succeeded what good would it do? He can only say 'mu'!"

-Many stupid ideas are exchanged as to how to try to get the Sunstaff from Rataxos.
"I had hoped our combined power would allow us to destroy him by working together; but after our performance against those bugs I no longer think that's likely."

-Mu plays a whole game of charades to try to explain his plan, where the party will pretend that the hippomagus and the monkey are part of the same grand order of animal-themed wizards.
"How does that help?!"
"That was a whole lot of effort for fuck-all, dude."

-"I've got a bad feeling about this..."





-Mu decides to enter on a hover board.
"Maybe that will make me look cool"
"We're not trying to look cool! And no, it doesn't."

-"We're trying to look bad-ass. I'm going to hold my pistol side-ways, that will look bad ass"
"No it doesn't."

-They try to make the Hippomagus look bad-ass by rolling up his sleeves, but he only looks awkward and dorkish.
"Maybe if you unbuttoned your robes?"
"My robe doesn't have buttons. It's more of a mu-mu."




-"None of you look bad-ass! You just look varying degrees of retarded!"

-Giving up on trying to look evil, cool or bad-ass, they just go inside. All except Roman, who says he'll stay out of the gate to keep watch.
They encounter Rataxos, a swat hideous pretty classic-looking Demon, holding the Sunstaff in his claws.  They try to convince him that they're out to destroy Sezrekhan. Heidi manages to convince Rataxos that Sezrekhan has tried to keep Rataxos trapped, because Rataxos has the sunstaff, which may be the only way of getting to him at the Crown of Creation. Incredibly, they get him to give them the Sunstaff. But Rataxos places a Geas on Heidi, that once Sezrekhan is stopped, Heidi will be obliged to come and free Rataxos. Rataxos also geases Mu's monkey, mistaking the monkey for the wizard and Mu for the mere familiar.

-They get out of the chamber and back in the labyrinth, where Roman is surprised to see them.
"Holy shit, you're alive! Er, I mean, good job!"

-There's another bug attack on their way out. After several mishaps, the Hippomagus kills one with a powerful Force Manipulation blast.
"He used the force!"

-There's another encounter, this time with a bug and another type of demon that looks like a pale crab-monster.
"Holy shit, what is that goddamn animal?"



-Managing to avoid getting themselves killed in spite of a ludicrous number of fumbles and spell-misfires, they get out of the demiplane, and rush into the Superfly-1. Now, they set a course for the Sky-shield that covers half the Sun.  Using the Sunstaff, they realize that the ley-lines all point to the spot exactly in the center of the Sky-shield.

-"Hey, what if we try to give Mongo the Sunstaff? Maybe it'll fix him?"
"Hmm, I doubt it, but what harm could come of it?"
"Famous last words."

-Mongo just starts violently hitting things with the staff, and they have to wrestle him down and take it away from him.
"So much for that idea."

-"Do you have any healing stuff on the ship, Blitzkrieg?"
"I have some sexual healing, but that's only for the ladies."

-The Hippomagus still believes that, like Fluffy the Cat, Mu's wizard-monkey is the real wizard and Mu is just his familiar.

-Mu asks to borrow the Sunstaff from the Hippomagus (for his master, the monkey), and discovers it grants a +6 to spellcasting checks!
"Um, can I have my staff back?"
"What staff?"
"I lent you the sunstaff. Can I have the sunstaff back please?"
"No, maybe someone else has it."




-"um, excuse me Heidi? Mu borrowed my staff and won't give it back. I'd like my staff back please."
"Ask Roman."

-"Um, excuse me Vizi? Mu borrowed my staff and won't give it back, and Heidi and Roman won't help me. I'd like my staff back please?"

-Vizi and Mu convince the Hippomagus that they'll give back the Sunstaff after they stop Sezrekhan. But he's not happy.

-"I say, that Hippomagus is quite gullible!"
"Yeah, how did he get to that high level?"
"Frankly, it gives me hope!"
"True. It also explains why  he was fooled by a cat."

-When they get close enough to the Skyshield, they realize that it's not smooth like it appears from over a million miles away, but rather is full of constructions. And right in the middle of it all is a notable megastructure. They try to hail the megastructure, and it responds by firing missiles at them!

-The missiles hit bad!
"We're going down! Standard procedure for a crash: lean forward, put your head between your legs, and kiss your asses goodbye, motherfuckers!"

-"Fuck! What have we gotten ourselves into?!"
"Adventure!"

-"Is everyone alive?"
"I'm alive, but I don't know why."




-They crashed in the middle of a vast area filled with dust and scraps of metal. Vizi sees a vision explaining why: this is a kind of dumping site for sky-ship wrecks, and every once in a while a huge floating disintegrator-ship sweeps by and atomizes everything in its path. The party realizes it can't stay in the wreck of the Superfly-1, and must say goodbye to it.

-They walk past a canyon filled with ruined sky-ships, aparently a blind spot in the disintegrator's programmed flights. But they decide to move on to the megastructure for now.

-They reach a kind of border wall. When Vizi approaches it, he gets confronted by some armed drones!
"It's the goddamn border patrol!"
"Well, they built the wall."
"It's a huge wall."





-They back away and Heidi (the fastest flier) goes along the border wall area to try to see if there's some other means of access.

-The enormous floating disintegrator platform that Vizi had seen in his vision comes over the wall, toward the PCs! They're about to try to run away from it while it powers up, but instead realize they should run up right against the wall, where the disintegrator beam won't strike.

-Heidi doesn't find any other way in. The Hippomagus has another idea, to turn everyone invisible. It works, and they get over the wall to find that at the top there's an enormous highway.

-They travel along the road, which seems to be leading to the central megastructure. They fly, invisible, being pulled along by Heidi and Mu (the two fastest fliers).
"Once more, I'm reduced to a beast of burden."

-The party runs into a giant armored monster-truck, piloted by what appear to be humans with funny bowl-haircuts.
"Let's blow out their tire!"
"Why?"
"I don't know, he's the leader."
"Wait a second, isn't Mu the leader?"
"We're both the same level now."
"Oh, then obviously Heidi is the leader."
"What do you mean 'obviously'?"

-Heidi steps out of the invisibility field, and the guys in the truck stop and hail him. They speak Ancient!
"Holy shit!"

-Unfortunately, the excitement is short-lived. When Roman interrogates them, it turns out they're not Ancients, they just speak the language as they're the 'heirs of the ancients'.
"They're some kind of space-romans"

[ATTACH=CONFIG]3002[/ATTACH]


-"Ok, so I told him we need to get into that super-structure; and he said it's called the Citadel and asked if we plan to participate in something called the Death Race 3000."



[ATTACH=CONFIG]3003[/ATTACH]

-The pseudo-romans are friendly and they travel with the PCs for the rest of the day, ending at a kind of campground where various other ridiculous super-vehicles have been parked. Their drivers include Elves, orcs, cat-people, and more.
"Where do you come from, strangers?"
"The surface.."
"Shh, don't tell them that."
"I mean, the surface of Lol."
"Where?"

-"You're from the sky?"
"Up is down and down is up for these people."
"So you actually see the sun? That must be terrifying!"

-"And where are you from?"
"The Vampire Principalities. Blah!"




-The next day, the group completes its trip to the Citadel, with more and more strange vehicles with weird drivers joining the caravan. The PCs learn that the "Wardens" of the citadel only reward the winners of each year's Death Race with entry into the Citadel. Anyone can compete, but victory is based on a complex scoring system, where it's not just about being first to the finish but also a number of other factors. The PCs realize they're going to need some kind of vehicle, and they're told they might be able to get one in the massive shantytown that surrounds the Citadel.
"So, we're going to be participating in a deadly game of Wacky Races, huh?"





That's it for this week's session. I'm off next week so stay tuned in a few weeks' time for the next exciting part of our (anti-?) (non-?) heroes' adventures, where they may or may not end up participating in Deadly Wacky Races.


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DCC Campaign Log
« Reply #110 on: November 22, 2018, 04:36:11 AM »
DCC Campaign Update: Because It's Venger

In our last session, the PCs had just arrived to the shantytown outside the massive spire known by locals (on the surface of the solar skyshield) as The Citadel, where they would now have to participate in a contest known as the Death Race 3000 in order to gain entry. They're doing all this because the Citadel seems to be the place where there's a transmat into the heart of the sun, from where they will be able to use the Sunstaff to reach the Crown of Creation and save G.O.D. from Sezrekhan, who has taken control and is slowly turning everyone in the universe into his zombified slaves.

Now:

-"It's a good thing someone is tracking time in this campaign, because I'm sure not."

-"What happend to Sami while I was gone?"
"Oh, yeah, she shat herself into a coma."
"Just like her player!"

-"The shantytown has a thriving economy based on the annual Death Race."
"So a lot like Punta del Este?"
"A more murderous Punta del Este, yes."




-"So wait, this is the 3000th Death Race?"
"Yup. You've come at an auspicious time."

-Sami awakens from her coma.
"Ohhh.. why didn't you just kill me?"
"We need a cleric."
"I'm sure that if you'd let me die, another cleric would have just suddenly appeared."

-"I look for somewhere to clean myself up.."
"Well, you're basically in Space-Calcutta here, so.."

-"I'm going to put on Ekim's Plastic Surgery mask."
"Ok, you now have a 9 Personality."
"Wow, you're a considerably less unappealing ex-hooker."





-The PCs start to wander around the shantytown.
"I'll stick with the group. I don't want to run into a blood vampire around here."
"So that is to say, a normal vampire?"
"Yeah, well, this party encountered a Fire Vampire first, so now to us those are the normal ones."

-The PCs start talking about what kind of vehicle they want to buy for the Death Race.
"Could we get one with like, a guy strapped to the front holding up our war banner?"

-Suddenly, the PCs spot the Vegan Wizard, who had last been seen running off in the labyrinth on Gebo. Somehow, he's ended up in the shantytown, and is apparently wandering around in a daze.
"So, should we help him? Or just leave him here?"
"Well, we do need a wizard."
"I'm a wizard!"
"We've got the Hippomagus, he's a wizard..."
"I'm a wizard!"
"But the Hippomagus might not be enough."
"I'm a wizard!!"
"Yeah, we need a second wizard, let's save him."
"Screw all you guys."






-"How did you even get here, vegan?"
"I have no idea. I don't even know where here is?"
"Have you got anything in your ass?"
"I don't think so.."
"We could check with my staff!"

-A suspicious looking lizard man shuffles up to the PCs.
"Hey, psst.. you want to buy dolphin?"
"...yes. Yes we do."
"Wait, you not city guard, no?"

-While a couple of the PCs go off with the sneaky looking dolphin-seller, the others go to a 'magic supply store', run by a forehead-ridged mutant looking a bit like a klingon.
"Can I pay for this with credits?"
"You wish for store credit? We do not give credit!"
"No, my credits, from my credit stick."
"No credit. Only cash."

-"What kind of money do you use here?"
"Quatlums."
"Do you also use gold?"
"We can take gold, yes."
"But you don't know about credits?"
"Credit? You want money-lender."
"No... but holy shit you guys we should always go to money-lenders! We should borrow money at every city we go to! I mean, since after all when we're done with it every city we ever go to is either destroyed or we can never go back anyways."

-"So do you sell scrolls here?"
"No, we sell supplies to make scrolls! Like this high-end vellum."
"Ohh, this one is bordered by little flowers. And this one is lavender-scented!"
"Dude, you're not in a magic shop at all, this is just a stationary store."

-"I wonder what the rest of the party is doing?"
"We're buying a dolphin!"

-"There are two dolphins in the warehouse; one is rather emaciated and is hanging from some leather straps. The other is relatively fat and soaking in a small pool of water that seems infused with a variety of herbs."
"I run my finger over the fat one and then lick it... yeah, it's pure!"

-"This one is for eating.. other is for, well, you know."


[ATTACH=CONFIG]3060[/ATTACH]


-"Wait, you are Death Racers?"
"We will be, tomorrow."
"Oh, so then you may want dolphin catapult!"
"Dude, this is getting out of hand."

-"Can we use this Dolphin-launcher for things other than dolphins?"
"Yes, large catapult can also launch dogs, small children, etc."

-"Do you have Dolphin explosives? Like, that we could put on the dolphin so he'd explode on impact?"
"You can stuff him with grenades!"
"The dolphin looks very nervous."

-"Hey, with my Animal Summoning, we could use the dolphin to create MORE dolphins!"
"MIND BLOWN."
"Ok, so wait... we're actually doing this now, aren't we??"




-"I don't know what happened to you Heidi, maybe it's the rarefied air here, but you've really changed."
"Well, um, we could make sure the dolphin only does non-lethal damage."
"Too late for that now, dude. You've become one of us!"

-"I'm pretty sure that dolphin is sentient, and can understand us. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm still on board with this."

-"Man, I'm sure glad we haven't gotten totally side-tracked..."

-Having secured their plans to purchase assault dolphins, the PCs now move on to trying to hijack a vehicle. They settle on a cool-looking post-apocalyptic APV manned by a bunch of pirates.
"We want to buy your vehicle, captain."
"Yarr, this ship is not for sale!"
"It's an APV, not a ship."
"Maybe it's a land ship?"
"Narr, that's where ye're wrong, lad. It be a Sea-ship Of The Land."




-Heidi uses his Ring of Human Control to force the captain to buy the ship for 50gp. Then he tells the captain to lend him 50gp.
"Ok, so you've used 2HD to control the captain, out of 30, right?"
"Huh?"
"Oh shit, never mind... as far as you know you have unlimited uses.. it was all a dream!!"

-The captain's crew realize something suspicious is going on. To stop them from all attacking, Vizi challenges the biggest one to a duel and cuts him to pieces with his light sabre.
The rest of the pirates run away.

-"Yarr, I'll lend you the 50gp, but the Death Race be cold at night..."
"We plan to get a dolphin..."
"That'll do."
"Wouldn't you rather have me?"
"Nar, there be no place for women at the sea."

-Heidi decides he'd better get rid of the legless captain, since he has to continually concentrate to keep him controlled. So he flies him out about an hour away in the middle of the wasteland, and dumps him there to die.

-Blitzkrieg and Space-Bear show up, and they got themselves a hovertank!




-"How did you get that??"
"I won it in a sabacc game, baby."
"of course."

[ATTACH=CONFIG]3061[/ATTACH]


-"Are we allowed to split our party into two vehicles?"
"That's what that random weirdo in the gas mask told us back in town, and he should know."

-"What are you going to call your hovertank, Blitzkrieg?"
"The Shaft-1"
"of course."
"Wait does that mean you never had a shaft before?"

-"What's your APV called?"
"Well, it was called the Lolipop, but we're going to rename it the Mammoth-1, on account of the huge mammoth skull in the front."

-Heidi flies back.
"Did you take care of the captain?"
"Yes. He's in a farm now, with a big field where he can crawl around with other legless captains and have fun."

-"We want to buy some dolplin explosives."
"OK, do you want your dolphin to be alive when he explodes?"
"Oh yeah, we need it to make dolphin sounds as it flies down on our enemies."
"Yes, plus his eco-location could help him target somehow."




-That night, Mu perfects his sleep-rune. When the Vegan wizard starts to annoy him, Mu puts him to sleep.
"That's a damn good spell."

-The next morning the PCs go and, having pooled their money, purchase their artillery-dolpin. The Dolphin salesman suggests that to smuggle him out of town to where they're parked, they hire his cousin who has a small cart and a giant-snail disguise for the dolphin.

-The city guardsmen are coming down the street. Nervous, Sami tries to cast Ackbasha's Sanctuary, which only draws their attention.
"You were casting some kind of spell, miss?"
"So what? Hey! I'm not allowed to cast something now? I know my rights! I thought this was America, man!!"


[ATTACH=CONFIG]3062[/ATTACH]

-They manage to distract the guards by claiming they saw someone disguised as other guards trying to sell a dolphin. They make it over to the vehicles, but Space Bear has serious reservations about their use of a projectile dolphin.
"Space Bear says the dolphin is sentient."
"How does he know?"
"Space Bear speaks dolphin."




-Blitzkrieg has to translate from Bear to Common, while Space Bear is translating from Dolphin to Bear.
"There are way too many NPCs in this group."

[ATTACH=CONFIG]3063[/ATTACH]


-They remember that the Vegan mutant can use his Animal Summoning and that when he does so the dolpins won't be sentient dolphins. He hopes.
"Cool. So do you need to cut a piece off the dolphin or something?"
"The dolphin looks very nervous."
"No, that won't be necessary."
"The dolphin looks relieved"
"OK dolphin, I just need you to shit in this cup!"
"Why, you sick fuck?!"
"Because its Venger!"

-Later in the day, a group of Space Vampires, from a rival Death Race team, come along.  The group is nervous, but they come in peace.
"We have come to offer an alliance, blah!"
"Can you give us some time to think about it?"
"Yes, we will come back in 10.. 10 hours! Ah hah haha!!"


[ATTACH=CONFIG]3064[/ATTACH]

-"I don't know, could these vampires double cross us?"
"Wouldn't a double cross hurt them?"
(rimshot)

-"Guys, I think Mongo is petting the dolphin a bit too roughly"
"You have to pet him hard so he can feel it!"

-The pirates who the PCs stole their APV from try to ambush them on the streets of the shantytown. But Heidi first intimidates them and then recruits them. "You are my new crew. Look at me: I am the captain now!"


-For their first task, Heidi has his pirate crew go out and buy fireworks, fish (for the dolphin to eat), wooden stakes (in case the vampires double-cross them) and pirate hats.

-The Vampire crew come back to continue negotiating an alliance.
"I am Lord Dracul. These are my cohorts: Count von Count, Count Chokula, Blackula and Sidney Appelbaum."

-The Vegan is approached by a cat-humanoid, who claims he has items they might want. He wanders off with this total stranger, and Vizi goes along just in case. It turns out that the cat-people-gang are working with a stereotypical Mad Scientist (including the German accent).

-Heidi and Mu go looking for their missing team-mates. Some mental-control driven interrogation leads them to some tips on the cat-people, and Mu follows a cat-boy while psychically invisible. Unfortunately, he loses track of him, loses his invisibility, and can't find his way back to where Heidi was.

-The Mad Scientist drugs the Vegan and initially wanted to implant some kind of probe in the Vegan, but discovers that apparently the Vegan already has a probe in him, so instead he puts one in Vizi after drugging him with poisoned but delicious strudel.

-Mu gives up and heads back, but Heidi flies around and eventually finds Vizi and the Vegan, both nearly naked on a rooftop. They were robbed blind, and had been drugged to lose all their short-term memories of what happened.
They've lost their jetpacks, their armor, their weapons, their comms, their electro-spears, their light-sabres, and their dignity.

-"We're also missing Mu. Wait, let me rephrase that: Mu is not here. We don't miss him."

-They eventually find their way back to the cat hideout. Heidi breaks down the door.
"I'm here to weaponize dolphins and kick ass. And I'm all out of dolphin!"

-Heidi goes after the Mad Scientist, who had fled out the back while the group was dispatching the cat-people. But when he gets out flying he sees that the Mad Scientist tried to use a jet-pack, crashed it, and blew himself to bits starting a fire in the shantytown.

-Vizi uses his precognition on the scientist's lab, and gets a vision of himself getting implanted with a probe. He hears the scientist mention how the Vegan had a magical probe already, but that his 'client' would be pleased with Vizi getting probed.

-"Roman, I think they put something in me, not up my ass mind you. Also, the Vegan had something already inside him, which for sure was put up his ass!"
"Yup, you've got an explosive probe. Looks ass-implanted to me."
"No no, they used microsurgery. Only on me though, not on the Vegan, on him they totally implanted it anally"

-"well, I've managed to deactivate the probe, but the bad news is you still have a lot of explosives lodged firmly within your colon."
"...through microsurgery! On me, not the Vegan"

-Heidi managed to recover one of the light-sabers, a comm, and the cats had left behind some of the other armors and weapons. They also found some low-grade cybernetics, and some drugs, which are later identified as anasthesia, euthanasia drugs, and rohypnol.
"That explains the memory loss!"
"And the ass-probing!"
"Only the vegan, not me!"

-"The Vegan's probe is totally different. It seems to be magical, and it's in his chest cavity."
"Wow, that's so strange that they got it all the way up there through his ass, while they put one in my colon but not by that route!"




-"Guys, I can try to deactivate the Vegan's probe, but there's a slight chance he  might explode."
"We step back slowly... go ahead, Roman, do it!"

-"I'm going to take off all my armor and equipment to save in case I explode."
"That's incredibly grand of you given how obvious it is the rest of these assholes don't care whether you live or die."

-"Here, I'll give you a helping hand... I give the Vegan that cyber-arm I got from the lab."

-Roman fails to be able to disarm the magical probe in the Vegan, so they call on the Hippomagus to try dispel magic on it, with the help of the Sunstaff, which they briefly lend back to him. As soon as he manages to de-power the probe, they take it away again.
"But.. i was told i'd get to keep the staff?"
"You will, later."
"i'd like my staff back please..?"
"You guys realize that eventually he's going to snap and kill us all, right?"
"Probably."




-Sami heals the Vegan, but only on the condition that he's baptized (she had earlier suffered divine disapproval, and needed a new convert). She baptizes him by breaking a bottle of beer over his head.
"You know that kind of baptism is only what the Religious Fantastics do, right? It's not the normal way to baptize people..."
"It's now a tradition for me."

-"The good thing out of your shameful misbehaviour is that we learned we were being probed."

-That night, the party rests after an eventful day, knowing that the Death Race starts tomorrow. But late at night, they're woken up by their Pirate hirelings, altering the PCs to a very large horde of Sezrekhan zombies marching right for them!


That's it for today. Will the PCs actually make it to the Death Race next time? Will they be able to get closer to their quest? Or will they get distracted by more nonsense or yet another side-quest? And most importantly: will their projectile explosive-dolphin weapon work?

Stay tuned next time for the answers to at least some of these questions, we hope!


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DCC Campaign Log
« Reply #111 on: December 13, 2018, 08:46:43 PM »
DCC Campaign Update: G.O.D. is my Pimp!


We're smack dab in the middle of the Death Race 3000!


Now:

-"On the hover-tank we have Vizi, Heidi, Blitzkreig Sakomano, and Space-bear."
"Yeah, the cool group! The other car has the nerds!"
"Hey!"
"Man, it's bad when it's the GM saying that..."





-"It's kind of an ideal situation for you, when your GM forgets that your familiar even exists. Which is why I count on the rest of you guys to remind me of Mu's monkey-wizard familiar."
"That's what we're all here for, to inform on each other!"

-"I'm depressed so I go and pet a dolphin."
"The dolphin looks nervous."

-The road in the death race track leads right into, and out on the other side, of some kind of green basalt ziggurat-style pyramid.  After a brief debate about possibly driving around it, the PCs decide to go right in. The tunnel leads into a room with several corpses, a steel gate, and a couple of undead guards in vaguely aztec-esque gear.
While the Vegan and the Hippomagus debate over who should get to have the staff, instead of firing the APV's weapons at the guards, the guards rush forward and jump (quite athletically for undead) onto the APV roof.




-The Vegan and the Hippomagus are under attack! Mu casts magic missile.
"I fire all the missles at the zombie on the Vegan."
"Heh. You really want the Hippomagus to die, don't you?"
"You're lucky, Vegan, in that you're no threat to Mu, or to anyone."

-"For defeating the zombies, you all get 2xp."
"Just barely not enough for the Vegan to level!"
"No, actually, I won the xp award last time, so it's exactly enough for me to level up!"
"SON OF A BITCH!"
"Hah, the GM intentionally wanted to leave you with 1xp to level."
"The vegan played his cards close to his chest. Well done."

-"I swear to god, Vegan, if you summon another porcupine Mu will never get to use that staff again!"
"What?"

-"Why are you summoning another porcupine?"
"For protection!"
"What, is it going to dive in front of you, Bodyguard-style?"

-During the fight with the guards, a ghoul snuck into the hole in the hull of the Shaft-1, and attacked Vizi, paralyzing him. Heidi dispatched it, but Vizi lay there, paralyzed and ignored.
"Hey Heidi, so is Vizi dead or something?"
"Oh yeah, I forgot to check... Vizi, blink once for yes, twice for no."
"He can't blink at all!"
"He seems broken on so  many levels."
"Aren't we all?"
"I'm less broken."
"Being less broken than everyone else in the party doesn't mean you aren't still really broken."

-"The Hippomagus is of Lawful Boyscout alignment, but he's slowly shifting into Lawful Freak, thanks to you guys."

-The steel gate rose automatically when the zombie guards were dispatched, and they moved on into a larger hall with some strange menhirs and some more undead guards.
In the ensuing fight, one of the PCs misses a shot at an undead and instead hits a menhir, causing it to explode. When it does, a magical shockwave hits the party, and all of a sudden a bunch of them switch bodies with each other!
Mu switches with the Vegan, Vizi switches with Heidi, and Sami switches with Mongo!

-"Mu, my body is made of paper! Don't get hit!!"
"You really suck, Vegan."

-"I'm going to blow up another menhir! That ought to fix things."
"No wait!"
"too late."




-Naturally, this only makes things worse. Now Heidi is in Vizi's body, Vizi is in Heidi's, the Vegan is in Sami's body, Mu is in the Vegan's body, Sami is in Mongo's body, Mongo is in Mu's body, and Blitzkreig and Roman have switched bodies!

-"The Vegan is going to enjoy this! It's the closest he'll ever get to being inside a hot girl's body!"

-"Are you casting?"
"Yeah. Wait, I'm in the Vegan's body.. I spellburn!"

-"I'm shooting at another menhir!"
"No, you motherfucker!"




-Heidi keeps blowing up menhirs, causing more body switches and total chaos.

-"Maybe if I kill the Vegan's body I'll switch back?"
"No, don't do that. I don't think it will end well for any of us. Go against ALL your instincts and don't kill the Vegan!"

-"I was in Mongo's body for a while; did you know he was packing? Like seriously, now I know why he is the way he is, no blood is getting to his brain."

-The PCs come up with a plan. They back the vehicles away, and then just have three of the PCs in switched bodies go up and destroy a menhir, to see if it works out that at least one of them switches back into their own body.
"You'll have to carry me. I'm too weak to walk."
"Dude, even after Mu spellburned the Vegan's body, you have 3 Strength left. That's still enough to walk."
"I'm not talking about strength. I'm stuck in the Vegan's body; I'm talking about the will to live."

-After blowing up 4 menhirs, the Vegan is finally back in his own body, and Heidi is in Mongo's body.  The Vegan also notices that Heidi used a dagger to carve a penis on the vegan's arm.

-Unable to figure out how to open the next gateway, the PCs go on a side path, and run into a large undead humanoid with a massive sledgehammer. He charges the Lolipop and smashes its mammoth skull.
"Holy shit, what is that goddamn undead?!"

-After blowing up some more menhirs, using their previous strategy, only Vizi and Mongo are still switched.
"Huh. It's true that Mongo is packing, but I'm not sure if as much as Blitzkreig."
"Sakomano pleases all the ladies!"



-The room with the undead giant had a trapdoor. Heidi opens it to see if there's something of use, and finds that the pit below is full of zombies who try to rush out. Luckily, he manages to shut the trapdoor before they get through.
"Nope, nothing important down there."

-They go down the opposite path to another room, where there's three of the undead giants seemingly using some black sludge to make a new menhir.
"OK, magic-users get ready!"
"Oh, so now I'm a wizard, huh?"
"I didn't say wizard, Mu, I said magic-user."
"fuck you."

-The Hippomagus fires a barrage of magic-missiles in a rare show of competency, killing one undead-giant and badly injuring the other two. Then Mu fails his roll to finish them off.
"You had one job!"
"I told you we should have left it to the real wizard."
"Shut up!"




-After the giants are dispatched, they blow up the last column, finally switching Vizi and Mongo back into their own bodies, having both failed their saving throws to resist the body-switching effect.
"We succeeded by failing, as usual!"

-"Where's my fucking lightsaber, Mongo?!"
"Hey guys, did you see my fancy new lightsaber?"

-"The Hippomagus is so pathetic.."
"Shut up, Mu! He's your future!"




-They finally figure out that the gate they couldn't open rises when one of them touches it. Ironically, Mu had guessed this, but no one paid any attention to him.

-In the next chamber, the PCs face off with a minor demon that looks like a cross between the Chesire Cat and Longcat.
"Old memes are the best memes."




-The Hippomagus reacts to the Cheshire-Longcat's invisibility power by creating an anti-magic field, which he centers around himself, rendering him unable to cast any other magic.
"Why?! Why the hell would you do that? You know you're a wizard, right??"

-In mid-fight, Vizi touches the metal sledgehammer they got from one of the giant undeads (which turns out to be a hammer with a head made of solid mithril) and has a vision of the Wardens presenting the hammer to a trio of aztec-mummies.

-When the Cheshire-Longcat makes itself visible, the Hippomagus shifts the anti-magic field to the demon.
"There! See? Now it can't make itself invisible!"
"Huh. Ok, I guess you weren't so stupid after all."
"Wait, can spells affect it now? Can we hit it with magic missiles?"
"Well... no."
"Goddamnit you're an idiot."




-The Hippomagus annuls the anti-magic field.

-After blasting the demon to death, they move on to the final chamber, where they see a throne with what seems to be a corpse on it.
"I'm going to check it out you guys."
"Wait, I saw a vision of this, come back!"
"Suddenly, the 'corpse' stands up and looks at you with its dead eyes."
"Oh shit! I wet myself and climb back on the tank!"
"Are you tired of sucking, vizi?"
"Shut up you hippomagus-in-training!"

-The Hippo-magus and the Aztec-lich (who turns out to be a spellcaster) both get caught up in a Phlogiston Disturbance and vanish. Unfortunately, the Hippomagus was wielding the Sunstaff at the time.
"Oh shit."
"Well, there goes saving the world..."

-They wait for about an hour in the hope that the Hippomagus might return from wherever he came from. He doesn't.
"If he doesn't come back, everything depends on Mongo."
"Yeah, the mentally defective Ancient manchild who has no sense of self-preservation."
"We've faced worse odds."

-Rather than giving up, Sami prays for Divine Aid, and incredibly makes the roll, bringing the Hippomagus back! They'd both ended up in the Neutral-zone, where the Hippomagus managed to kill the Aztec-lich in magical combat. But he had no way to get back.

-"I hope this teaches you all an important lesson: keep your cleric safe!"
"I'm pretty sure if you died another cleric would show up to take your place."
"That's probably true.. I have a backup human."

-"Wait.. is G.O.D. your pimp?"
"What? No. Well, he does take all my money, he screws around with me by giving me stuff, but not always, and he randomly punishes me... shit! G.O.D. IS my pimp!"
"He even makes you get on your knees and worship him from time to time..."

[ATTACH=CONFIG]3092[/ATTACH]


-The party finally rides out of the pyramid, and continue on with the race. They soon run into a giant metallic snake-creature.
"I do NOT want motherfucking snakes on my motherfucking race!"

-"I have to say, the Death Race 3000 has been getting us a ton of XP."
"True. Whatever happens, we should come back next year!"

-After defeating the snake, the team rides on and runs into a strange looking giant holding a glowing cube.
"YOU CANNOT PASS UNLESS YOU DEFEAT ME, OR ONE OF YOU PASSES THE CHALLENGE OF THE CUBE OF CHANCE!"
"Vegan, you go."
"Why me?! Why  not the NPC musician??"
"We've already had that talk, dude. The musician is a more valuable member of this party."




-The Vegan reluctantly accepts the "challenge of the cube", which involves tossing the cube and suffering the utterly random consequence it generates. He vanishes!

-"Hey Sami, can you bring the Vegan back like you did the Hippomagus?"
"I don't know, I was extremely lucky that time. Anyways, why would we want to?"
"So he can do the stupid cube-challenge again."

-Sami actually tries to bring the Vegan back, but when she did it with the Hippomagus she'd gotten a natural 20. That isn't going to repeat itself.

-"Why don't we just kill the giant?"
"If we do that, the cube might vanish, and then we won't get the Vegan back."
"Bonus!"

-"Where did the cube send the Vegan?"
"He was sent either to a place of neverending pain, or neverending pleasure."
"So there's a 50% chance he's having eternal bliss? Now I want to bring him back."
"Yeah, that's a risk we can't allow."

-The remaining PCs now try to convince the Musician, the second most useless person in the group after the Vegan, to take up the Cube Challenge.
"Listen, if I do this, then I get to go live in the Citadel with you guys."
"Ok sure. Wait, 'live'?"
"Yes. The Wardens let the winners of the Death Race to live in the Citadel with them forever!"
"But, can they leave?"
"I don't know, no one has ever come back; we assume they're having such a wonderful time they would't want to leave even for a visit."
"Oh shit... the Citadel's a trap."


[ATTACH=CONFIG]3093[/ATTACH]

-"The Musician tosses the cube, it glows brightly, and he seems to somehow appear more experienced."
"Did the musician just gain a level?!"
"I'm a bard now!"

-Having won the challenge, the Giant offers the party the option of bringing the Vegan back. They agree, and he is drawn back to the material world from the demiplane of infinite bliss just before getting it on with 72 virgins.
"73, counting the Vegan!"





-"The vegan isn't a virgin, remember that old witch he had to sleep with after he robbed her, who he later murdered?"
"I don't talk about that!"

-"What's your name, musician."
"I'm Max. Now, I'm Max the Bard."
"Oh great, that's just what we need, another NPC."
"Says the NPC."


That's all for this session. Stay tuned next time for part three (the last part? Knowing this group, maybe not) of the Death Race 3000!


RPGPundit

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(december 9, 2017)
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DCC Campaign Log
« Reply #112 on: January 02, 2019, 12:43:27 AM »
DCC Campaign Archive: Put his Torso Into the Dolphin Launcher!



We left off with our intrepid PCs about two-thirds of the way done the Death Race 3000.  Will they get to the end this session? Read on, gonzo-fans, and find out!

Now:

-"So just to review, it's Blitzkrieg, Space Bear, Vizi and Heidi on the Shaft-1?"
"Yes. And the nerds are on the APV."

-"So there's no Warriors on the APV?"
"No, like we said, the APV is full of nerds."


[ATTACH=CONFIG]3112[/ATTACH]

-"You realize at this point this fucking party has more NPCs than PCs in it?"
"Yeah, and you're not even counting Mu's monkey-wizard or the dolphin."

-"I would trade all of these NPCs for BOLT-0!"
"Hmm, but would you trade all the NPCs you have right now for BOLT-0 AND Priscilla?"
"Wow... I'd have to think about that."

-"What about keeping BOLT-0 and Roman?"
"I don't think those two should be in the same room together."
"Wait... we've never seen BOLT-O and Roman together..."
"Are you saying Roman is BOLT-0 in disguise?!"
"Well, that would explain a lot."

-"I'm summoning more dolphin ammunition, but I'm using dolphin poop for the summoning, so I might end up summoning fish instead."

-After summoning 24 fish, the Vegan is out of dolphin poop. Sami intimidates the dolphin into crapping itself again, and the Vegan finally summons more dolphins.

-Shortly after that, the party gets attacked by a group of leather clad bikers!
"There's also one guy dressed as a construction worker, and a guy dressed as an Indian Chief."




-"Vegan, what do you do?"
"I guess I'll go up top and fire."
"You feel sufficiently secure that these guys are wussy enough not to endanger you, don't you?"

-"Wait, if you do a dispel magic on me, Hippomagus, would there be a chance that my monkey-wizard familiar would be dispelled?"
"I say! I certainly wouldn't care to be dispelled, old boy. I'm having far too good a time!"
"Oh, that's nice, that someone actually enjoys my company!"
"Well, I think I'm magically required to like you."
"Oh"
"Although I do."
"Well, OK!"
"Though that's probably the magic talking, old bean."

-Having defeated the bikers/village-people, the party drives on. After a while, the party sees the dreaded Viking Long-truck up ahead. They're heading over to engage them when suddenly a rift opens up in space and a giant tentacle reaches down, wraps around the viking vehicle, crushing it, and pulls it up into the extraplanar space!
"Holy shit! What is that goddamn tentacle?!"

-The PCs pause, worried the rift will open up in the same spot if they proceed. The Hippomagus casts invisibility on the APV.
"Hey Blitzkrieg, are we invisible over here? Did it work?"
"Yeah man, you're invisible."
"Great... wait, are we really invisible or are you just saying that so we go first?"
"No, man, you're really invisible!"
"OK, but seriously, or are you fucking with us?"






-"We'll go first, and then the Hippomagus will come back and make the Shaft-1 invisible too."
"Alright."
"Hey wait, are we seriously going to send the Hippomagus back to them, with the sunstaff?"
"Oh shit, no. I'm just fucking with them."

-Without help from the Hippomagus, the Shaft-1 starts to drive under the rift.
"I'm going to fire, not really to hit anything but to try to hold back the tentacle."
"So, like, suppressing fire?"
"Yes."
"You miss.




-Blitzkrieg's quick reflexes get them past the tentacles.
"You assholes had to turn invisible, but we go through on pure Sakomano, baby."





-Next, they encounter a couple of nerds on a weenie-esque moped. They seem pretty hopeless but they soon start taking control of the vehicles with their computer!
Luckily, the Hippomagus is on fire this session, and he blows them away with magic missiles.

-"Those nerds were as dangerous as the giant tentacle, so you get the same amount of XP."

-After that, they run into a fancy looking bus manned by dragonmen, including some dragonmen mandarins with some powerful spellcasting chops. They blast the APV with two Lightning Bolts and a Fireball, and Mu is down!
"They're wizards!"
"No shit."

-"Don't worry, I have 19 Luck, I'll be fine!"
"Jesus, 19?! You're immortal."
"Ok, now..oh. I rolled a 20. I'm dead."
"God damn it you had one job!"
"Yeah, not to roll a 20."
"This is so awful! I loot Mu's body immediately."

[ATTACH=CONFIG]3113[/ATTACH]



-"Wait, what happens to the monkey-wizard?"
"He vanishes when his master dies."
"No! Not the monkey!"
"Aw, damn it. What are we going to do now??"

-"I'd like some healing please."
"Yes, but do something to stop these dragonmen you fat fuck!"
"I'm just big boned... this is a normal weight for a hippomagus."




-Vizi blows the dragon-bus' main gun away with a critical from the Shaft-1's secondary guns.

-The dragonmen wizards are still fighting, though. The Vegan Wizard shoots at them with the last of the Dolphins he'd conjured, but is now exposed and about to be blasted with fireballs.
"Quick, pull me back down!"
"I don't know how you're talking to, but no one is listening."
"Oh shit, I'm dying"
"You're pretty much already dead, you just don't know it yet."

-One of the dragonmen accidentally electrocutes himself while trying to cast lightning-bolt, and goes below-deck.
"You coward!"
"Don't tease them!"

-Finally, the shaft-1's guns manage to blow up the dragon-bus and the wizards.

-"Mu had very little loot."
"He died as he lived: worthless."

-"Man Hippomagus, you're whiny bitch. I bet you didn't have any friends on the High Council of wizards."
"....Fluffy the cat pretended to like me."

-"Cut off Mu's arms and and put his torso into the dolphin launcher!"
"Mu would have wanted to go that way."
"I'll do it! I can use my lightsaber."
"Good, thanks!"

-"That's still a better treatment that Mu is getting than what you did with Tonut's corpse; just leaving his body pants-less in the middle of the dungeon."

-They just fire the corpse at nothing!
"Why did you do that?! We could have used him against our enemies after stuffing his corpse with C4!"
"We did stuff his corpse with C4."
*BOOM*
"You idiot! Now you wasted Mu AND the C4!"

-The PCs drive on to an area that seems filled with half-melted vehicles. Among these, they find 3 pathetic newbies.
"Should we kill them?"
"No, dumbass, they're Mu's replacement."

-The newbies consist of a Sky-Communist Dwarf, a Human wage-slave from some kind of Mega-corporate dystopia, and a catperson street urchin.
"Get in, motherfuckers, we're saving the universe!"


[ATTACH=CONFIG]3114[/ATTACH]



-Mongo takes an immediate liking to the catboy, picking him up forcefully and hugging him tightly and petting him too roughly
"blah blah blah blah George!"





-"we'll take the Dwarf on the Shaft-1. At least he can fix things."
"If only he could fix our moral values."
"Those are beyond repair."
"You can't fix what doesn't exist."

-The party soon finds out that this area of the race-track is routinely showered with acid rain! Before they can speed past it, the roof of the ATV is wrecked, along with the dolphin launcher, and the main and forward guns of the Shaft-1 are ruined permanently.

-"So what do we do with the dolphin now?"
"The dolphin looks nervous."

-It turns out the wage-slave worked in dolphin maintenance, and has some dolphin hormones on him.
"Do the hormones come with any kind of instructions?"
"No, they don't have any regulations in the megacorp zone."

-"I'm taking these hormones."
"But they're mine!"
"You'll be compensated eventually."
"I've heard that before!"
"There's no 'i' in team, you know."
"Yeah, I've heard that one too."

-The party is attacked by a couple of renegade time-dinosaurs! Luckily, or maybe unfortunately, the Hippomagus blows them up before they can do anything cool.

-The party is then attacked by a gang of flying sky-bugs! The Hippomagus, who has evolved from a bumbling amicable dweeb into a killing machine over the course of this race, blows a bunch of them to bits as well.
"You know you and I are friends, right Hippomagus?"
"Of course! You heal me. And I feel a lot more comfortable now that Mu is dead."

-"You can see the finish line at the end of a long stretch ahead."
"I preemptively cast Sanctuary."

-The party is suddenly swooped down upon by Giant Halcons! With both vehicles' roofs badly corroded the huge birds can easily tear the tops open and start attacking the delicious PCs inside. There's a short but vicious firefight, the birds are scared off, and the party gets across the finish line!

-There were several other teams that got across the line before the PCs did. But it was already established that this was not a 'first across the finish' contest. There is an obscure set of points-system calculations to determine who wins, in which getting across the finish early is good but not the sole factor. Things like defeating other racers, having entertaining fights, amusing the Wardens, capturing enemy vehicles, and looking cool were all important parts of the calculations.  The PCs end up with 96 points, which at the moment puts them in first place.  However, there's still several contestants which might yet make it across the finish, and could theoretically still beat them.
"Heck, those evil robots got 95 points, so there's every chance we might still lose."
"Hey evil robots, so much for being superior, huh?"
"Illogical! Illogical!"
"That one's literally sparking."
"Hey no hard feelings guys, or really any feelings at all."




-The other teams that manage to get through, though some of them come close, don't manage to beat the PCs' score. They are the Champions of the Death Race 3000!
"Hooray! Now we can fall into the Wardens' obvious trap..."

-"Did any of those pirates I hired survive?"
"Apparently not."
"Mission accomplished!"

-The catboy helps the rest of the PCs sell some of the loot they'd accumulated.
"Thanks to the catboy, we made 8000 quatlums."
"Should we give him some?"
"Yeah. Hey catboy, here's 20 quatlums for your troubles. Don't spend them all at once."

-Blitzkrieg and Space-bear let the party know this is as far as they go. They're not interested in whatever the Wardens have in mind, and their place is in the skies, so they're going to try to gamble their way into getting a new ship to fly out of here and back down to the upper skies.
"Also, because there are too many NPCs."

-That night, there's a huge, almost city-wide party in the PCs honor as the victors of the Death Race 3000. Most of the PCs only participate in moderation, but the catboy gets seriously drunk. Sometime in the night he gets stabbed, but survives.





-Heidi also went crazy with the partying, and wakes up the next morning with a sky-klingon woman named "Dorma". Apparently she and Heidi "blood-bonded" that night (which doesn't seem to mean sex, but rather having cut each other with knives or something), and they had sworn to overthrow the Wardens and take over the Citadel.
"Great! ANOTHER NPC. Just what we need."

That's it for today; in the next session, the PCs will be entering the Citadel. They're pretty sure the whole thing is a set up, since there's a way too convenient story about how the winners get to live long lives of pleasure in the citadel and it's all so wonderful that none of them ever return.
But what will they really find in there?
Stay tuned to find out!

RPGPundit

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(December 29, 2017)
LION & DRAGON: Medieval-Authentic OSR Roleplaying is available now! You only THINK you've played 'medieval fantasy' until you play L&D.


My Blog:  http://therpgpundit.blogspot.com/
The most famous uruguayan gaming blog on the planet!

NEW!
Check out my short OSR supplements series; The RPGPundit Presents!


Dark Albion: The Rose War! The OSR fantasy setting of the history that inspired Shakespeare and Martin alike.
Also available in Variant Cover form!
Also, now with the CULTS OF CHAOS cult-generation sourcebook

ARROWS OF INDRA
Arrows of Indra: The Old-School Epic Indian RPG!
NOW AVAILABLE: AoI in print form

LORDS OF OLYMPUS
The new Diceless RPG of multiversal power, adventure and intrigue, now available.

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DCC Campaign Log
« Reply #113 on: January 29, 2019, 04:05:53 PM »
DCC Campaign Update: Chocolate Jesus is Their Hippomagus


In our last session, the PCs had won the Death Race 3000! They were about to enter into the Citadel of the Wardens, which held the gate into the heart of the Sun, their most likely route to get to the Crown of Creation and to rescue G.O.D. from Sezrekhan.
That was four weeks ago, because we didn't play over new year.

Now:

-"Look, I'm over 40, it's been over four weeks, and I did a shitload of drugs in my early 20s. I could have murdered a prostitute 4 weeks ago and not remember it."
"I know how you could get blood stains off your clothes"
"Jesus Christ, Bill's player!"

-"I need to get some thief tools."
"You know a place called Chazob's Thief Tool Emporium. It's run by a mutant guy who looks like a baseball mascot. Or maybe it's just a regular guy in a baseball mascot outfit."






-"The high-tech thief tool kit includs a sonic screwdriver, sonic hammer, sonic grappling hook, well, sonic everything, basically."

-The Catboy decides to go with the modern-tech kit, that includes a multi-tool, a grappling-hook gun, and a makeup kit for disguise purposes.
"What the hell is he going to disguise himself as, other types of cats?!"

-"You notice how every shopkeeper who deals in illegal goods has a vaguely Eastern European accent?"
"So like a gypsy?"
"I guess."
"It could be worse, he could have gone full George Lucas."




-"A thief needs good tools."
"Hey, look at me, I began as simple Eastern-European stereotype, and now see what I've become!"

-"If I have one complaint about this campaign, it's that there hasn't been enough King of Elfland lately."
"he's like this campaign's More Cowbell!"




-When the PCs get together, they find out about Heidi's new girlfriend, Dorma the warrior-woman pseudo-klingon, who plans to slaughter the Wardens and take over the Citadel.
"Did you just proposition me?"
"I would shatter your pelvis, little man!"

-"I am your partner of blood, in every respect. I have thrown the ritual Heavy Objects at you! We are sworn to take the Citadel and bathe in the blood of the Wardens."

-"Vizi stop trying to show my partner your light-saber!"

-"Dorma, we're not actually trying to take over the Citadel, we're trying to get to the Sun."
"You wish to destroy the Sun? I am pleased! Since ancient times, my people have had but one great wish: to destroy the sun!"
"We don't want to destroy the Sun!"
"Yeah, we want to kill G.O.D.!"
"You do? I have chosen my mate wisely!"

-"Hey guys, where's the dolphin at?"
"We left him behind in the ATV."
"The one we sold?"
"Yeah."
"He'll be fine."

-The PCs walk down the great thoroughfare surrounded by cheering crowds, in a scene vaguely reminiscent of the end of Star Wars.




-Along the way, Heidi steals a trombone from a musician, and gives it to Max the Bard.
"Now I'm truly ready!"

-The Wardens appear. They're big-headed 1960s-sci-fi style psychic aliens.





-"Hey Wardens, see that pseudo-klingon woman? She wasn't with us!"
"Then she is expelled!"
"I will kill you, little man!!"
"Hey! You made the Wardens telekinetically eject my mate!"
"It was a bad match, Heidi."

-"The catboy was totally with us though. He's Mu."
"I am not!"
"He's Mu's buddy, Meow."

-The PCs enter the Citadel and find themselves in a completely barren white room, the Wardens standing above them ominously.
"We do congratulate you, champions, on winning the Death Race, but our immortal lifespans are long and boring, fulfilling our sacred duty..."
"He said doody!"
"Can you let him finish?!"
"That's what Sami said!"


-"You have ascertained by now that the promise of a long life filled with pleasure was a trick. We intend to use you for our amusment."
"Oh crap, you're not going to have sex with us, are you?"

-"Are you going to use us to fight with past champions?"
"No, they are all dead. We go through champions too quickly, unfortunately."

-"Look, we are here to kill G.O.D. in the Crown of Creation."
"That is forbidden!"
"Hug G.O.D.; I meant to say we are going to HUG G.O.D."

-"We are the Wardens. We guard the gateway to the Heart of the Sun!  We will investigate these claims you have made about Sezrekhan taking over the Crown of Creation, and the menace he represents, and consider whether we could permit you to travel into the Heart of the Sun to deal with the crisis. But WHILE we consider, we want you to amuse us with a great challenge we have created for champions."
"Why should we?"
"We have placed a magical artifact that can raise the recently dead in our special track."
"Ok, we're in."

-"So I guess we're really doing this? We're doing another fucking side quest?"


[ATTACH=CONFIG]3161[/ATTACH]


-"I didn't want to go into the core of the sun anyways; I bet its hot."
"You'd be OK, you have fur!"
"How does that make any sense?! That's even worse!"

-"You are all being sent to the Death Zone, where our new contest is ready for you!"
"Can't we go somewhere nicer?"
"Don't worry, it's just a name.. it's not really Zone."

-The PCs arrive at the start of the Death Zone, in some woods.
"I hide"
"Why?"
"Because I'm a thief!"
"He's also a cat."
"And a coward"
"I'm all three!"

-"Even the Hippomagus is making fun of you, that's a new low!"

-"I'm going to climb this tree!"
"The catboy should get a bonus to climbing trees, but then be unable to get back down!"




-Heidi checks out the view from the air: he sees the woods branch off into two areas: a glowing wasteland of radioactive ruins, and a barren badland full of geysers steaming with noxious gases. Beyond both is a large lake of fire.

-"For a 'death zone' there's surprisingly few dangers in these woods."
"Maybe we're going to die of boredom?"
"I think the Wardens are truly shitty at making adventures."

-The tree at the intersection in the woods is moving. It's a Trent!
"I fly away."
"Hey, where are you going, asshole? I'm here to give you a warning! It's all I exist for!"

-"The two paths in the woods lead to terrible dangers."
"Yeah, a radioactive ruin and poison wasteland. I saw."
"So you know you're doomed either way!"
"No, we can just all fly over them."
"...You know, you're all a bunch of real assholes! Anyways, the one with a jetpack could fly away, but your companions will all die!"
"No, I can just fly them over one by one."
"Well fuck, why do I even exist then?!"

-"I'm already a mutant, what could happen if I went through the radiation zone?"
"Famous last words."

-"I'm a vegan mutant, so I'm already mostly vegetable."
"Truer words have never been spoken."

-"So a talking moving tree is a Trent?"
"Yes. To avoid copyright."

-"Wait, is 'the Hippomagus' your name, or title?"
"I took on that name when I became a wizard."
"What was your real name?"
"I'd rather not say please."
"Alright, now you have to tell us!"
"I bet your real name was Hungry-Hungry!"

-"We'll camp out here tonight."
"I'll sleep by the Trent."
"Don't try to fuck the trent, dude!"
"I just want to sleep with nature!"
"Sami knows all about that!"

-"You know, the Wardens are probably watching and listening to us..we should stop talking about how much this scenario sucks."
"Oh, yeah. Man am I feeling adequately challenged by this dumb adventure!"

-"OK, let's get to this."
"he said doodies!"

-That next morning, the Hippomagus remembers he can cast Fly, so he does so and the whole party gets across the badlands in one go.
"We are soo challenged right now!"

-Searching for the object, the Vegan rolls a '1' on Detect Magic and ends up growing goat hooves.
"Yes!"

-"The Vegan should try again."
"Why me? The cleric also has detect magic!"
"Yes, but the cleric is a valuable member of our party."

-The Pcs land in a small strange alien wood before the lake of fire. There, they encounter a Shrub-Ent with a scottish accent.
"If ye seek the object that will win the death zone, ye must cross the lake of fire. But beware! Its infested with Fire Sharks!"
"Do you have any treasures, shrub?"
"I'm a fucking shrub, what do ye think!? Boy, ye might be retarded."
"He is. It's the lack of protein."

-Avoiding both the lake and the fire-sharks by flying again, they arrive at a metal island in the middle of the lake. They find that in the middle of the Island there's a kind of hollow mountain, where supposedly the life-giving object is guarded by an Ettin, who is also made out of metal.
"Fuck's sake, it's like the Wardens are a 15-year old GM who's played too much RIFTS!"






-They encounter the Ettin, a two-headed metal giant, who is zealously guarding a metal mini-fridge. The Ettin apparently has a keen sense of smell.
"Fee Fi Fo Fum.. I smell the blood of a catperson!"

-In the ensuing fight, Sami dives on the mini-fridge to try to scoop it up, but finds it's bolted to the ground and she takes a nasty tumble.

-Max the bard plays the trombone during the fight.
"He's helping!"
"No, he's revealing our location! We were invisible, you idiot!"

-Vizi empties an entire clip of his automatic rifle, without hitting a damn thing.
"Suppressing fire!!"





-The Hippo-Magus, who is clearly improving as an adventurer session-by-session, kills the Ettin.

-It turns out the island has other defenders: a bunch of satyrs with explosive apples!

-Heidi shoots the bag of apples one of the satyrs is carrying and blows him to smithereens.

-Vizi empties yet another clip, once again not hitting a damn thing.

-They finally beat the satyr-bombers.  Heidi is now 1xp from leveling up.
"He's in the danger zone!"

-The magical object turns out to be a "yogurt of revival". Apparently, when given to the recently dead, it may bring them back to life.

-Their mission completed, the PCs are transported back into the white room.
"Wow, Wardens, that was a really hard quest! I got a nasty paper cut here."
"I think I got the flu."
"the catboy lost the ability to hide!"

-"We have been considering your situation. We were created by the ancients to make sure no one unauthorized could pass into the Heart of the Sun."
"Wait, though, Mongo is an ancient! Tell them to let us through, Mongo!"
"There appears to be... something wrong, with your Ancient."
"No there isn't! He's just fine the way he is!"

-"Very well... we have no option but to let you pass, for we have been ordered to do so from an Ancient. Though we're pretty sure this was NOT what the Ancients really had in mind!"
"Tough shit. This is what you get for being Lawful Freaks!"





-"I only need 1 xp to level!"
"Kill the catboy."
"He's worth 0 xp."

-The PCs oblige the Wardens to give Max the bard the lifetime of pleasure that they had promised in the Death Race, since he has no interest in going with them into the Sun.

-"Hey Wardens, do you have anything that could make me smarter?"
"There are some things even beyond our great power!"
"well then, just give us a bunch of good shit!"

-"Could you guys remove this gem from inside my chest without killing me?"
"We can attempt it, though there is a risk you will die."
"Go for it"
"What? No! I don't consent!"

-"You guys can just make things out of thin air, right?"
"Basic elements, yes."
"We want cash!"
"We cannot create credits."
"What about platinum?"
"Sure!"
The Wardens create a small mountain of platinum tokens.

-"How are we going to carry all this?!"
"I could empty my waterskin."
"We're going into the Sun. We might need water!"

-The Vegan asks the powerfully-psychic Wardens to erase Ekim's Mystical Mask from his mind. They read the Vegan's mind and are horrified. One of them vomits.

[ATTACH=CONFIG]3162[/ATTACH]


-The wardens also remove the C4 Vizi had implanted inside him.
"It was put in my chest or something."
"No. We have detected the C4. It is in your colon."
"Sure, but it was put in there through my chest."
"No, it was clearly inserted via your anus."
"Hah!"
"That's OK. It's still better than when Mu was raped by ghosts."

-The Vegan just wants something, anything! Thus, he ends up blowing thousands and thousands of platinum pieces in sacrifices used by Sami to attempt (and fail) to use Divine Aid to restore his stamina.
"You should have known, when you bet on G.O.D. the house always wins!"
"G.O.D. was hungry!"
"G.O.D. doesn't love you, vegan."

-"We warn you heroes, the Core of the Sun contains special guardians."
"Special... like Mongo is special?"

-Heidi gets the Wardens to remove the Geas placed on him by the demon of the monolith removed; incredibly with no consequences to him as he succeeds at three consecutive saves!

-The Vegan still desperately wants to get something good out of his time with the Wardens.
"Hey, could you guys do psychic surgery to put those cyber-eyes we got in the slums in the Vegan?"
"Yes, but he may go blind!"
"DO IT!"
"Hey!!"

-"Wait, instead of replacing his real eyes, can you put them on the sides of his head?"
"No, how would that even work?"

-The Cyber-eye surgery fails!
"Apparently, just plucking out your real eyes with telekinesis and then trying to shove the cyber-eyes into your sockets didn't do the trick."




-The now-blind Vegan spends all his remaining share of the platinum on the cleric to use Divine Aid to try to get his eyes working. It fails.
"Man, now he's blind and broke!"
"And vegan!"

-Strangely, Sami feels pity for the Vegan, and makes use of some of her own money, and finally succeeds at activating the cyber-eyes. Unfortunately, the operation had also had the effect of leaving him alcoholic. So now he's an Alcoholic Vegan Psychic Cyborg Wizard.

-The whole drama with the Vegan done, the PCs are transported into the Heart of the Sun.
"It's very bright in here!"

-The light and heat, in spite of there being an obvious magical barrier protecting the PCs, is intense.
"Because of his infrared systems in his cyber-eyes, the Vegan is effectively blind right now."
"Fuck!"

-The PCs encounter the guardians of the heart of the sun: the Jesus Patrol!
There's Historical Jesus, Republican Jesus, Sweet Baby Jesus, Black Jesus, Chocolate Jesus (he's not black, he's made of chocolate), and a Mexican guy named Jesus.
"We are the guardians of the Sun!"
"Yo no se porque estoy aqui. Creo que hubo algun tipo de error?"


-"Hey Black Jesus, do you know a guy named Blitzkrieg Sakomano?"
"What the fuck, dude, you think we all know each other?!"

-"What we really need right now is Tech Support Jesus."

[ATTACH=CONFIG]3163[/ATTACH]



-"You guys, I think Chocolate Jesus is their Hippomagus."

-"Historical Jesus will go and consult your presence with the Heart of the Sun. But I warn you, the Heart of the Sun has not really been herself since that thing..."
"Wait, the Heart of the Sun is a woman?"

-"the Spirit of Sun is a stunningly impressive female figure made of pure fire!"
"Well, hello there!"

-Apparently, the Spirit of the Sun has lost the 'transit orb' which is needed to use the gateway to the Crown of Creation. It was stolen by an ex-boyfriend named Fabritzio.
"I.. I just make terrible choices in relationships."

-"Where is Fabritzio?"
"Well, the last time I met him was on the surface of the world. But that was a few hundred years ago so who knows?"
"A few hundred years ago? Oh shit, he's probably dead!"
"Oh, that's right. I forgot that humans live for such a short time..."
"So he was a human?"
"Yes. At least I think so. You mortals all kind of look alike to me."
"So what was special about this guy that made you fall for him?"
"He was cool and rode a bike."

-The PCs agree to help, and after the Spirit of the Sun changes shape into a non-fiery form, she teleports them all down to the surface, to the last spot she'd seen Fabritzio.
It turns out to be the Zombie Empire.

And on that bombshell, we ended the session! Stay tuned next time to see if the PCs manage to recover the 'transit orb' and get back to the mission at hand!


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DCC Campaign Log
« Reply #114 on: February 22, 2019, 12:57:47 AM »
DCC Campaign Update: Your Face is Flammable


In our last adventure, the PCs had made it into the Heart of the Sun. There, they learned that the Spirit of the Sun had lost a 'transit orb' which is essential to getting them to the Crown of Creation.  The orb was apparently taken by a former-boyfriend of hers named Fabritzio.  The party, along with the Spirit of the Sun in human form, teleported down to the surface, to the last place she had seen her former lover.  It turned out to be the Zombie Empire.

Now:

-"I'll be eternally grateful to you Sami, for restoring my vision."
"Yeah, we'll see how long that lasts."

-You know you're in the Zombie Empire because the zombies can talk.
"What are they saying?"
"Good question. They're saying 'run! Run for your lives!'"
"At us?"
"Well, to each other but they're running toward you, not away from you..."

-It turns out the normal zombies are running from a big herd of Sezrekhan Zombies, most of whom are also zombies, but some are not.
"How many of them are there?"
"Tons."
"How far away are they?"
"About 200 feet and closing."

[ATTACH=CONFIG]3199[/ATTACH]


-"Run, Livings! Run for your lives! The zombies are coming!"

-"Ironically, the Zombie Empire seems to be suffering the early stages of a Zombie Apocalypse."

-"Hey, Sun!"
"My name's Anema."
"Ok, whatever. Can you destroy all of them?"
"I could destroy ALL of this, as in everything for hundreds of miles around."





-While the PCs are trying to figure out what to do, a big rift in space appears and a fancy-looking skyship comes crashing down out of the sky, flattening a good portion of the Sezrekhan Zombies in the process.

-"I'm hitting on the Spirit of the Sun."
"What's your Personality, catboy?"
"17."
"...oh, shit."

-"That catboy is like a living meme of a cat just about to knock a glass off the table..."




-Heidi picks up a non-sezrekhan zombie with his jetpack, rescuing him.
"Thank you for saving me!"
"We're looking for Fabritzio, where is he?"
"I don't know sir, I'm but a humble zombie beggar"
"Eww!" (Heidi immediately drops him back into the sezrekhan-zombie herd)

-"do you guys have anything flammable we can use against the sezrekhan zombies?"
"Well, your face is flammable, Sami.."

-Everyone is now flying in the air, out of reach of the sezrekhan zombies, except for the Vegan.
"Help me, guys!"
"Sorry, I'm busy."
"I'm Vizi!"
"I just don't want to!"

-"Where's Fabritzio?"
"The rebel leader? He's going to be executed!"
"Oh damn."

-Some of the PCs head to the crashed skyship, which is now surrounded by Sezrekhan-zombies. A guy in a sleek 70s-esque space-suit climbs out.




-"Hello chaps, I'm from the future. I'm here to help!"
"Wait, are other people trying to make us fail?"
"Yes, but I have to be careful what I say, I can't alter the past."
"But you're here!"
"I'm here to preserve time!"
"Fucking time travel."

-"What about the Time Dinosaurs, did they send you?"
"No. They're mine sworn enemies!"
"That's it. We should kill this guy."
"No, wait, there are rebel time dinosaurs, remember?"
"The rebels might be the real time dinosaurs!"

-"Man, I hate time travel!"
"Yeah, I envy Mongo right now."

-The space-man from the future is named Captain Harry.
"Can you prove you're from the future AND on our side?"
Captain hairy whispers something into Roman's ear, which makes him seem surprised.
"He's definitely from the future, and on our side!"

-"We don't even know if Roman is on our side!"
"What do you think Harry told him?"
"Maybe he knows what Roman really is?"
"What do you guys even mean? I'm your dear old Uncle Roman!"

-"I still say we kill him."
"No, we should trust him."
"I think he looks kind of cute!"
"Anema, you and I need to have a serious talk. You have a problem."

-"The catboy keeps hitting on Anema... how furry is the catboy anyways?"
"He's you-sick-fuck level of furry."




-The party still needs to find Fabritzio. All they know is that he was apparently some kind of anarchist rebel-leader and the forces of the Zombie Empress have captured him and plan to execute him. Roman thinks the party ought to kidnap people and get more information.
"You just want to torture someone!"
"No, I just think that since we've got the Last Ancient AND the Spirit of the Sun with us, we may need to have a more sophisticated plan than just 'throw grenades on the roof'"
"Shit, remember when 'let's throw grenades on the roof' was the new low in our party?"
"Man, a lot of water has passed under that bridge."
"Throwing grenades on the roof seems downright intricate by our current standards"

-Captain Harry was a fighter pilot for the Sky Wizard Air Force.
"Wait, are you a wizard, Harry?"
"No, I'm not."
"The Hippomagus was hugging the Sunstaff more tightly when he thought you were."

-The PCs head to the capital, and finally (against Roman's advice) decide to just present themselves to the city guard.
"Who are you Livings?"
"I'm a member of the High Council of Wizards."
"...are you a hippo?"

-"I notice you are all Living."
"Barely."

-"So you can all fly?"
"Except the Vegan."

-"Are there Vegans in the future, Harry?"
"They've gone extinct."
"Wow. He really does come from a utopia!"

-Fabritzio was the leader of a rebel motorcycle gang called the Wight Knights.
"Wait.. the White Knights?"
"No, the Wight Knights."
"Man, that sounded bad until you figure out how it's spelled."




-"So Fabritzio is a wight?"
"Yes."
"And you didn't notice this, Anema?"
"You all look alike to me."

-After much discussion, Heidi bribes the captain of the city walls with a diamond (courtesy of Harry). As soon as they get to the palace, he squeals on the captain for taking a bribe, and as a result gets himself and Harry arrested for bribing a city guard.
"Goddamnit, I told you this was a stupid plan!"
"No, wait, they'll be taken to where Fabritzio is held."

-Sami takes to using the decanter of endless water as a spray bottle to keep the catboy from hitting on Anema.




-The Vegan, eager to get a replacement spell to Ekim's Mystical Mask, asks the Hippomagus if he'll take him as his apprentice. The Hippomagus is overjoyed.
"No one ever wanted to be my apprentice!"

-Heidi and Harry find Fabritzio in the palace dungeon, but Fabritzio has no memory of the Spirit of the Sun.
"You don't remember? You stole something from her."
"Hey! I steal nothing from the women, except for their hearts.. and their souls, of course. The heart metaphorically, their souls literally."

-"Can you prove you're the Fabritzio we're looking for? If you can, we'll help get you out of here."
"How can I prove it?"
"Tell us who Anema's father was."
"Probably some asshole!"
"He's not technically wrong."

-"Hey guards, I think we've got the wrong Fabritzio here, you can let us go now!"

-Meanwhile, the rest of the party has been put in more comfortable guest quarters while the Zombie Empire decides what to do with them.
"Do Vegans drink wine?"
"As long as it's free-range cruelty-free wine."

-The Hippomagus takes some time to teach the Vegan.
"The most important thing is to loudly announce the spell you're about to cast!"
"Are you teaching him wrong on purpose?"
"I'm teaching him as I was taught!"
"Who was your teacher?"
"The Rhinomagus!"




-"Wait.. am I turning into the Hippomagus?"
"Don't worry, you already were anyways."

-Heidi tries a classic escape attempt, feigning a fight with Harry, but it doesn't work.

-After Heidi's escape attempt, the palace guards come to arrest the rest of the party for rebellion. The zombie guard make their first mistake when they try to disarm everyone.
"Nobody takes my staff!!"
"Oh shit!!"

-All hell breaks loose when the Hippomagus attacks. The catboy hides under a couch, badly.





-The Hippomagus goes apeshit, the guards run for their lives, and the Hippomagus clings to his sunstaff.
"My precious!"

-"Great, just what we need, another place where we're the enemies of the state."

-The whole palace is in high alert. Down in the dungeon, the guards are barricading the stairs.
"If they get down here, we kill the terrorist."
"Just to check, that's Fabritzio, right? Not us?"

-"I hope this means your friends are trying to get us out."
"Friends is a very strong word.."

-The party upstairs starts trying to fight their way down to the dungeon. They run into a troop of 20 guards.
"I'll empty my clip at them."
"Vizi, you know that never works."
"Hey look, Vizi hit 19 out of 20 of them!"
"Holy shit.. that's shockingly effective."

-Mongo joins the battle, throwing an ancient bust at one of the guards. Then an ornate antique vase. He misses both.
"I think Mongo isn't really trying to fight, he's just happy destroying priceless artifacts."

-The Zombies are backed up by elite Wraith guards! Mongo throws a priceless faberge egg at one.

-"Mongo is injured, I'll try to heal him. He's neutral, right?"
"What makes a man turn neutral?"
"In Mongo's case? Retardation."

-Mongo finds Dracula's Spear, snaps it in two, and then throws both pieces at zombies.

-"It's the vegan's turn."
"I have literally nothing left to attack with. I'm morally broken."
"You were always morally broken."

-"Catboy, you're a waste of oxygen. You're worse than the Vegan, at least he fails!"
"I don't even try!"

-"The catboy at best might attract attacks."
"It doesn't look like it."
"He looks so harmless no one even bothers."

-The party keeps being attacked by successive waves of Zombies and Wraiths. The Hippomagus goes down, but he's still alive.

-Anema can't help much without destroying the entire kingdom and everyone in it (including the PCs), but she does shift into fire form in the hopes of scaring the undead.
"It didn't work, but I look better like this!"





-The Hippomagus drops for the second time (still alive though) as 15 more zombies arrive to attack! Things are not going well.

-The Vegan, the catboy, and the Hippomagus (for the third time) all fall. The Vegan and the Catboy both survive (astounding everyone, since neither have decent luck), but the Hippomagus is dead!

-The PCs try to use the Yogurt of Revival to save the Hippomagus, but sadly it fails.
"It was probably past its expiry date a few thousand years."

-The party finally rescuses Heidi and Harry, and frees Fabritzio, and Anema teleports everyone back to the Sun.
"Can you Jesuses heal us?"
"It's Jesi, plural."

-"Can you resurrect the Hippomagus?"
"What, you think we can raise the dead?!"

-"the Hippomagus is dead? Oh shit.. shit, this is bad. He wasn't supposed to die.. yet."

-Fabritzio remembers Anema, but he still has no clue about the "transit orb".  It takes everyone quite some time to finally figure it out: the "transit orb" is Anema's soul. Fabritzio was surprised Anema was still alive and not undead, because he'd drained her soul.

-This development means that Anema and Fabritzio need to act in harmony to open the path to the Crown of Creation.  Killing Fabritzio would just mean that they could never get there from here. And both parties must be willing to open the gate of their own free will, in harmony.
"Does in harmony mean they need to have sex?"
"Probably."

-Anema is interested in hooking up with Fabritzio, but he's very reluctant, weirded out by the whole situation. It doesn't help that Anema is coming on way too strong and getting all clingy. Sami takes Anema aside and tries to get her "woke".

-Captain Harry takes Heidi aside. He's deeply concerned that without the Hippomagus, the PCs will all die in the Crown of Creation and fail to stop Sezrekhan.
"I think there's something we might be able to do. I know the location, at this point in time, of a very powerful chaos-sword that's capable of slaying a Daemon. It might be able to give us a chance."
"So, why are you tell me this, specifically?"
"Well, Heidi, because... you're my grandfather."
"NOOOOOOO!!"




And on that bombshell, our session ends. Stay tuned for next session, when the PCs will undoubtedly be off to another side-quest while Anema and Fabritzio undergo couples counselling.


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DCC Campaign Log
« Reply #115 on: February 25, 2019, 11:11:50 AM »
DCC Campaign Update: Vegan Mutants are Descended From Carrots

When last we left our "heroes", they were back in the Sun, and trying to get the Spirit of the Sun (Anema) and the Wight who stole her heart, her soul, and her ability to open the gate to the Crown of Creation, back together again as a couple.   Also, the strange and very glam Captain Harry, from the future, had just revealed to Heidi that he was Heidi's grandson.

Now:

-"Sami, get a hair off Mongo for me."
"He's not an animal, you can't Summon him!"
"No, it's for Locate Object."
"He's not an object!"

-"NOOOOOOO!"
"Guys, I think Heidi just got some kind of bad news!"




-"We can go anywhere from here, we should get some money!"
"Who are you even talking to right now, Catboy? Heidi is in the other room screaming with Captain Harry, I'm with Anema, and Vizi is talking to Fabritzio. I guess you're just talking to the Vegan."
"Oh god no!"

-"We're almost at the Crown of Creation."
"Yeah, you could say we're in the Hallway of Creation."

-"OK, so to review: Sami is talking with Anema trying to get her on track with the relationship thing, Vizi is doing the same with Fabritzio, the catboy is following Vizi, the Vegan is following the Catboy, and Heidi is still screaming but no one cares."

-Sami is trying to talk relationship advice to Anema.
"The way to a man's heart is through his prostate, you just shove up.."
"Sami?"
"What Vizi?"
"I got this one, OK? I got this."


-"From now on, I'm just called Catboy."
"That's a stupid name."

-Fabritzio still has cold feet.
"I'm a wight, she's the Sun.. it's not a very natural mix."

-Roman comes into the room in a bathrobe.
"What's happening? Who keeps screaming? Are Anema and Fabritzio doing it? Those don't sound much like happy screams."

-"Wait, this place has showers?"
"This place is run by the most narcissistic shallow Female Entity we've ever met. Have you seen the size of her makeup closet?"
"Really? That's interesting. Excuse me for a moment..."

-"What are you doing?"
"Stealing makeup."
"I have makeup!"
"You do, why?!"
"I'm a thief. It's for disguise."
"You're a cat!"
"Yeah, no amount of makeup is going to hide the fact you're a catperson!"


-Sami sneaks into Anema's Makeup Closet.
"Oh my god! The colors!!"

-Meanwhile, Heidi is telling everyone what Captain Harry told him.
"Wait, how could he be your grandfather!? You're not even green!"
"We can be whatever we want, in the future. Human, mutant, those are all things of the past. In the future we're all One."
"Are there Vegans?"
"No. As I mentioned, they're all extinct."
"See? That really is the best of all possible futures."

-"But.."
"Shut up, Vegomagus!"
"That's it! That's his new name!"
"But I don't want to be called the Vegomagus!"
"Tough."
"...i want my name back please."




-"Can we fit a mammoth or a giant porcupine in the dungeon we're going to visit?"
"I can now understand why we drove you to extinction."

-"No, Vegomagus, you can't make a catboy from cat hairs!"
"He's a catperson, not a cat! He's as similar to a cat as Heidi is to a monkey or the Vegomagus is to a carrot."
"Vegan mutants are descended from carrots?"
"Well, I assume so."

-They go get Sami, who's busy stealing all the makeup she can from Anema.
"Sami, we have to go somewhere."
"Why?"
"There's a problem."
"Why?"
"Because I want a cool sword."

-"We should bring one of the Jesi with us; they can teleport us there and back."
"Yeah, good idea. Hey, I haven't seen Chocolate Jesus around lately..."
"I notice Mongo's face is covered in chocolate stains..."
"Oh. I thought he was just eating makeup."




-"blah blah sidequest mongo?"
"No, Mongo, you're not going on a sidequest with us. You're staying here."
"Hey, Mongo's first word in Common is 'sidequest'!"
"Makes sense!"

-"Mongo, stay here. Be good. Don't eat another Jesus."

-"Let's bring Republican Jesus."
"Where is he?"
"He's over at the gun range, shooting an M16 and drinking beer while listening to Sweet Home Alabama."
"Hey Republican Jesus, want to come with us to shoot some things?"
"Buddy, you had me at shoot."




-"Do you have any more guns, Republican Jesus? All I have is this pistol."
"Shit, do I?"
Republican Jesus shows the catboy a gigantic warehouse full of guns. There also appears to be an atomic bomb there.

-The Catboy takes a sniper rifle, a bandolier full of high-explosive grenades, and a machine gun that's almost too big for him to lift.  They're heading back to the others when they run into Historical Jesus.
"Hey, have any of you seen Chocolate Jesus anywhere?"
"Um. No. We have to go now!"

-Following Captain Harry's guidelines, Republican Jesus teleports the party to a rocky black island in the middle of a blood-red sea.
"This is the Sea of Blood."
"Obviously."
"Can I summon something with this blood?"
"NO! Do not do that."

-The PCs find the entrance to the dungeon, it took some time because in Captain Harry's time this whole place was a commemorative museum.
They enter a corridor and find a large door at the end, which the Vegomagus' Detect Magic notes is protected by an Explosive Rune.
"We could send some porcupines through there."
"If I send a porcupine through and it's hurt, will you heal it?"
"Porcupines ain't for healing, they're for eating!"

-Roman tries to remove the explosive rune with this sonic tool, but it creates a type of backlash and briefly Roman seems to assume a different form, of a tall man with heavier features and a larger beard.
"What was that?!"
"Uh, nothing. It must have tried to polymorph me or something."
"suuure..."

-"It seems to be a Fae Rune"
"I knew about a Fae Rune in some Realms, but I've Forgotten."

-"I could just use my grenade launcher on it, that might do the trick."
"Do your stuff, RJ!"
"RJ? Shit, I like that! OK, y'all step back... motherfucking Giddy Up!"


[ATTACH=CONFIG]3208[/ATTACH]

-Republican Jesus fires a couple of grenades at it, destroying the door, but the rune is still there, invisible to the naked eye.
"Ok, that's it. Vegomagus, tell one your porcupine to go through the entrance."

-Reluctantly, the Vegomagus sends a summoned porcupine through the door.
"Ok, walk through that door porcupine.. I.. I love you!"

-The porcupine, facing a suicidal order, turns on the party!

-Heidi manages to kill the porcupine. The Vegomagus summons 4 more porcupines.
"The porcupines look happy until they see the mangled corpse of the former porcupine. Then they look worried."
"Don't worry. That won't happen to you if you obey!"

-The 2nd porcupine they try to send through the door ALSO turns on the PCs!
"Lucky we killed it before it could avenge itself on you, Vegomagus!"

-The 3rd porcupine ALSO turns on the party!
"In porcupine it's saying 'die, destroyer of my race'!"

-The Vegomagus is forced to use Force Manipulation to destroy his own summoned animal.
"It's body parts explode all over the remaining porcupines, who look horrified."

-The next porcupine finally crosses, and gets blown up by the Rune. The rune is weakened by not extinguished.
"God damn it!"

-To avoid the risk of the last porcupine turning on them, Heidi has a plan. He has the vegomagus order the remaining porcupine to get within 10 feet of the doorway.
"Why?"
"I can't tell you."
"But why?"
"Because if I tell you, the porcupine will know and then it might turn on you!"
"OK, but what are you going to do?"
"Just do it!"

-Heidi kicks the porcupine, field-goal style, through the doorway. It also explodes, and the blast hits Heidi, and he takes some damage but survives.

-The rune is finally spent! The Vegomagus summons another porcupine and tells it to go through the door. It does so unharmed, but a second later is snatched up from some hideous white tentacles from the ceiling! They hear some desperate squeals, and then some porcupine bones fall to the floor.
"OH GOD!"
"Holy shit, what is that goddamn thing?!"
"Oh yeah, the museum did mention a tentacle creature.."


[ATTACH=CONFIG]3209[/ATTACH]



-The party comes up with a plan. They summon yet another porcupine, and tie a bandolier around it with 10 High Explosive grenades. Republican Jesus ties some fishing line to a pin, and when it goes through the entry and gets snatched up by the tentacles the pin is released. A second later there's a huge explosion and bits of tentacle and chunks of red matter fall the floor.

-"Summon some more porcupines to see if it's really safe."
"OK, I'll summon 2 4HD porcupines."
"No, summon 8 little ones, we might need more test subjects!"
"But the big ones can protect me..."
"Well, the little ones can swarm an opponent, Ugandan-Knuckles style!"
"I like how you're using his favorite meme as a way to try to manipulate him."

-"Hey, I just thought of something. To restore Captain Harry's timeline, maybe we just need to SAY that the Hippomagus was at the Crown of Creation!"
"You mean bring his corpse with us, Weekend At Bernie's style?"




-"Huh. I think this tentacle creature was made of... spaghetti?"
"So it was a flying spaghetti monster?"
"Oh crap, the atheists will hate us now, we blew up their god!"





-"You know, for a supposedly 'useless' guy, I sure helped!"
"You couldn't control your porcupines for shit! We wasted hours on this!"

-"Which way now?"
"Well, I know that to the left there was some kind of blob-monster. And to the right there was a little shop."
"Oooh, a little shop! That's great!"
"That's probably just in the future, this place will become a museum, remember?"
"So what kind of shop is it?"
"It doesn't exist there now!"

-The PCs head to the room that will one day have a 'little shop'. They were hoping it might have just been an empty room, but as it turns out its covered in gunk and crap and has a dangerous Shit-Eater!

-"Heidi, it's your turn. What do you do other than weep for your descendants?"

-RJ hits the shit-eater with a burst from his M16, and it runs away.



[ATTACH=CONFIG]3210[/ATTACH]


-There are some twinkling things in the shit-eater's pile of shit!
The Vegomagus covers himself in shit in the process of digging it all out. It turns out to mostly be a few thousand copper pieces and a couple of platinum pieces, though there's also three scroll tubes.
"The highest level spell is Lokerimon's Assistance"
"Makes sense, that's a shit spell."

-They move on to the next room, where they encounter the Shit Eater, which seems to have mutated to grow a couple of extra tentacles! The room also has an evil Hag (who probably healed and 'evolved' the Shit Eater), and a Giant Flan!




-Heidi flies in and attacks the Giant Flan, but the Hag casts Sleep and Heidi falls asleep, while his jet pack is still on, bouncing him around the room at random.

-The Vegomagus decides to summon more animals after his latest porcupine is beaten to death and disemboweled by the Shit Eater.
"Force Manipulation!!.... er, I mean, Animal Summoning!"
"You are so confused, dude."

-Sami calls on Divine Aid to wake Heidi up!
"I got a natural 20! Heidi will never sleep again!"
"He is so Woke now!"

-Heidi grabs the hag by the hair and throws her into the corridor. Then, surprising absolutely everyone, Captain Harry pulls out a tiny little gun out of his pocket and instantly disintegrates her!
"Holy shit!"
"Wow, look at your grandson now, Heidi!"

-Vegomagus summoned a bear, who goes at it with the Giant Flan.
"The flan hits the bear, doing 10 points of damage from acidic Dulce De Leche!"
"That's one tough piece of frou-frou cake!"

-The bear hits but only does 4 points of damage.
"That's a weak hit. Is that bear ill?"
"It must be Vegan!"

-Heidi slays the Giant Flan.
"Dessert is served."
"Great line!"

-"I'm finally getting good at throwing Force Balls!"
"You're good at handling balls, Vegomagus?"
"I learned from the master!"
"The Hippomagus taught you about balls?"




-They finish killing the monsters.
"I cast detect magic."
"You don't detect anything?"
"Not even from that black door you mentioned?"
"Oh, shit, right. No, the door is FULL of magic."

-The black door has another explosive rune. And it's immune to scrying. And it has a Wizard Lock. And it's got a barrier against Daemons.

And at that point, unfortunately, one of the players had to leave early.  So we stop on a 'to be continued'. Stay tuned for more DCC greatness!

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DCC Campaign Log
« Reply #116 on: March 14, 2019, 09:25:28 PM »
DCC Campaign Update: It Was Probably Alan Moore


In our last session, the "heroes" were going through a dungeon, on the advice of Captain Harry (who turned out to be Heidi's grandson, from the future). He thought that the death of the Hippomagus could be made up for if Heidi obtained a very powerful Chaos sword that could slay Daemons.

They'd made their way through the whole dungeon, and got to a black door with some dangerous spells on it.

Now:

-Vizi was still up on the Sun, engaging in some couples counselling between Anema (the Spirit of the Sun) and Fabritzio (the rebel biker wight from the Zombie Empire, Anema's ex-boyfriend who had eaten her soul).
"OK you two, so the first thing to do would be for both of you to smoke a little weed!"

[ATTACH=CONFIG]3244[/ATTACH]



-Anema is a Celestial, Fabritzio is undead. Weed won't actually affect either of them.
"I would need some kind of undead weed."
"There's undead weed?"

-"Well, I'm basically out of ideas. When I was a shaman, weed would pretty much fix everything."

-"Do you have food here?"
"The Jesuses... Jesi... can make food. It's one of their tricks. Our whole pantry is pretty much just one loaf and one fish."

-"Hey Black Jesus, could I get some vanilla ice cream?"
"Seriously, motherfucker?"

-The ice cream solution doesn't work either.
"Anema doesn't really care for cold foods, and Fabritzio only eats souls."

-Vizi tries to get Anema and Fabritzio to make a list of their 'cons' about their potential relationship.
"Ok, let me see... Fabritzio's con is that he wants all the sexy ladies... Anema's con is that she's got a crush on the catboy."
"Oh for fuck's sake!"
"She even drew a little cute picture of a cat and some hearts."

-Vizi decides he needs backup, so he gets Sami summoned to the Sun. Fabritzio immediately hits on her.
"You're not  my type. You're poor."

-Historical Jesus takes the Catboy and Vegomagus on a quest to find Chocolate Jesus, who he thinks has betrayed them. In fact, Chocolate Jesus was eaten by Mongo.

-Vizi and Sami are sent back the others in the dungeon, since none of their relationship advice is really working anyways.

-"If that door doesn't have a magic lock, it should blow up when I shoot it?"
"I don't know."
"...so you're saying I should shoot it..."

-"RJ could summon a lobster!"
"Why?!"
"Man, Vizi is so high right now!"

[ATTACH=CONFIG]3245[/ATTACH]


-Sami thinks her divine aid has dispelled the dangerous spells, but she's not sure.
"Sami is walking back into the hallway."
"You're not filling us with confidence here..."

-After some time, Sami actually makes certain she has dispelled the dangerous spells. Vizi breaks open the lock with his laser-sword, and Heidi kicks down the door.
"NYPD! Nobody move!"
"What?"
"...I just always wanted to say that"

-There's a bigass classic-looking Demon in the room, guarding a badass heavy-metal-style black rune-covered sword.
"Orobaz is bound to stop you, underlings!"

-"Orobaz was bound here by a Daemon."
"Was it Alan Moore?"
"I am bound not to speak his name."
"It was probably Alan Moore."




-"Why don't you just leave?"
"Orobaz is bound to this room."
"Man, you must really be pissed off."
"Orobaz is very pissed off!"

-"What if we kill the Daemon who bound you?"
"Orobaz cannot name him."
"But it's Alan Moore, right?"
"Orobaz cannot confirm or deny."
"But can you say if it was a British dude with a long beard?"
"That could be at least a half-dozen Daemons."

-"I'll give you this delicious bucket of ice cream!"
"Orobaz is bound not to accept bribes."
"Damn, they thought of everything!"

-Vizi tries to use his psychic power to get a glimpse of the past in the area. But all he gets is an image of the old hag missing her master.
"Well, that didn't help."
"As usual, psionics do nothing."

-"Is your master among us?"
"The one who bound me is not here."
"Did the one who bound you write V For Vendetta?"




-Finally, the team decides to just fuck it, and Vizi, Heidi and RJ all empty their clips at the Demon from the other room, figuring it can't leave his chamber. Unfortunately, in the time they took the spells that had been temporarily dispelled have come back in force, and all their shots just bounce off the Wizard-lock force field.
"RJ dives to the ground, having made his saving throw. The rest of you guys take ricochet damage."
"So you're saying Jesus saves?"

[ATTACH=CONFIG]3246[/ATTACH]


-"Sami is really good with her laying-on-hands."
"does she lay on hands with a happy ending?"

-Heidi flies into the room and slams into the demon. The demon tries to hit him but fumbles.
"Orobaz is out of practice!"

-Republican Jesus empties a clip into the Demon.
"Eat hot American lead, haji!"




-Unfortunately, the demon is immune to normal bullets.
"Sonofabitch!'
RJ starts to bless his M16.

-The demon hits Vizi and permanently drains 4hp from him!
"Sonofabitch!"
"Can Jesus heal?"
"Not RJ, he just shoots the fuck out of shit."
"Historical Jesus can heal. Baby Jesus can probably heal. Black Jesus can get down. Chocolate Jesus isn't around anymore. And I'm pretty sure that Mexican Jesus is just a guy."


[ATTACH=CONFIG]3247[/ATTACH]

-Heidi gets a critical hit on Orobaz and cuts a chunk right through him.
"Holy shit, he just took like a solid block out of him, like it was a cartoon or something!"
"You made him a paraplegic!"
"Next sword he protects will be from a wheelchair!"
"Jesus, I kind of feel bad for the demon."
"Motherfucking giddy up!"




-While they were fighting, Captain Harry got a hold of the sword. The PCs finish killing the demon.

-"Should I get the sword now, Harry?"
"Depends.. what's your intelligence? Actually, maybe I should just hold it for now until we're at the Crown of Creation."

-Suddenly, just as the PCs are about to head back into the sun, they hear a weird TARDIS-esque sound, and they (and only they, not Roman or Captain Harry or Republican Jesus) are transported through a vortex into another place. A place with velociraptors dressed in victorian garb.
"Oh shit, the Time Dinosaurs!"




-They're on a multicolored platform seemingly made of light, leading down a walkway full of Kirby-Esque structures, culminating in a stunning ziggurat with a giant Robot head on the top!

-"Holy shit, you know what this is?"
"Yeah, another side-quest."

-The Time Dinosaurs lead the PCs up to the giant head, answering any questions they ask but always in their incomprehensible dino-language.
The Giant Robot Head's eyes light up.
"SILENCE! I AM THE CREATOR OF THE TIME DINOSAURS AND GUARDIAN OF SPACE-TIME! I AM BOLT-0!"




-"Hey Bolt-0, do you know my my grandson Harry? He's a time traveler."
"HE IS IN VIOLATION OF THE LAWS OF SPACE-TIME"
"Oh yeah, we're not with him."
"I totally remember him once saying 'fuck Bolt-0'!"

-It turns out that the great enemies of the Time Dinosaurs, the Dimension Bugs, are attempting another incursion into regular space-time. BOLT-O has extracted the PCs from their own time in order to take them to the pocket dimension they've prepared for their incursion, in order to stop them breaking through.
"Do we get paid for this?"
"PRESERVING THE TIMELINE IS YOUR REWARD!"
"Oh great."

-"You could come with us, BOLT-0!"
"I CANNOT COME WITH YOU, I'M JUST A GIANT HEAD!"
"You used to be a cool robot."
"YOU MAY SOMEDAY MEET BOLT-0 IN HIS PAST, WHICH IS YOUR FUTURE."

-The PCs are transported to some huge stairs. BOLT-0's head appears in a hologram with a final message.
"WARNING! THE INTERDIMENSIONAL SPACE YOU ARE ENTERING IS HIGHLY DAMAGING TO HUMANOID LIFE.  THE LONGER YOU REMAIN IN IT, THE MORE HARMFUL IT WILL BE."
"Oh great!"
"ALSO, AND THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT, YOU MUST BZZZZT--"
"Even better."

-They go up the stairs to a doorway covered in strange non-euclidian patterns.
"Like, weird shapes?"
"Like, Lovecraft shit!"


[ATTACH=CONFIG]3248[/ATTACH]

-The door opens to an empty room.
"I throw the demon Orobaz's balls into the room!"
"Wait... you cut off the demon's balls and took them with you?"
"Yes."
"Ok... you toss them into the room and nothing happens."
"It's safe, guys! I walk into the room and recover the balls."

-The PCs find a trap door on the floor, but can't open it.
"I'll cut it open with my laser sword!"
"Hey, instead of destroying everything, why don't we check the other, normal door that exits the room?"
"But destroying everything has always worked for us so far!"




-They move on to a gallery of stunning (though sometimes eerie) paintings. Heidi and Vizi start immediately destroying the art.

-One of the paintings Vizi was about to destroys transforms into a cloud of blackness which envelops him, and spreads into the room causing fear to everyone. Everyone heroically abandons Vizi rushing to the next room.

-"Can we cast magic missile at the darkness??"
"Well no, for a couple of reasons. For starters, you have no magic-users."

-Vizi is completely enveloped by the blackness!
"Go Vizi! You've got him on the ropes now!"

-Vizi manages to defeat the blackness. The party then considers whether to fiddle around with the paintings, but finally just decide to round them ALL up and throw them into the pit of rotating knives they'd found in the other room.
"By the way that the GM is laughing, I'm betting that those paintings were important..."
"Hey, BOLT-0 picked us, he knows we're like this."

-They proceed down some stairs and find a library!  While Heidi starts looking at the books carefully, Vizi grabs a bunch and starts trying to throw them into a fireplace! As soon as he does so, the dust in the library starts to swirl and form into a Dust Elemental to attack them!
"Goddamnit, Vizi."

-They defeat the elemental, and then check out the books. Among the volumes they could identify were a Guide to General Engineering, A book about makeup, the complete works of Shakespeare, and a book written in Kobold called "Mysterious Transformation" (which turned out to be a romance novel).

-They move on to a room with some Tesla Coils, where they meet a creature made up of a patchwork-quilt of sewn body parts.
"It's a Frankenstein!"
"That's not a species. There's just one Frankenstein!"
"Well, that's one of them."
"Actually, Frankenstein was the guy who made him, not the monster..."
"No one cares."

-"Guys, that Frankenstein looks like it's concentrating really hard... or maybe it's about to fart!"

-"Hey are you the Frankenstein who drew those paintings upstairs? Because that art looked like shit!"

-The Frankenstein can use the electricity of the tesla coils, and is kicking the crap out of Vizi and Heidi, while Sami backs away and casts Lotus Stare; but she needs the Frankenstein to look at her.
"Hey, over here! Look! I'm topless!"

-After some more general beatings and Heidi fumbling and damaging his own jetpack, the Frankenstein finally gets caught by the Lotus Stare.
They move him away from the Tesla Coils (which were electrocuting the PCs as they fought), and then start literally 'disarming' him.

-They move on to a hallway that has weird escher-like effects as directions and gravity start to lose all meaning.




-Suddenly, they're attacked by some horrific insects that come out of the edges of the walls.
"So are those the Dimension Bugs?"
"There's two things you need to know about Dimension Bugs..."




-The dimension bugs fire energy webs that are very difficult to avoid. There's a crazy fight of PCs trying to hit the bugs while others break out of the webs.

-At one point, a bug criticals Heidi and pierces him with a stinger right through the jaw, costing him five teeth!
"Can the cleric heal that?"
"Clerics can cure light wounds, but not teeth."

-Vizi was paralyzed by the stinger; Sami tries to cure paralysis on him but fails, and gets her hands stuck in the web.
"Since my hands are stuck to him anyways, can I try again?"

-They manage to defeat the bugs, and see that past the hallway there's a vast hall, that is entirely at a 90' angle; one end goes off into the distance, and the other ends below in a huge tangled energy web like the ones the dimension bugs fired at them.




That's it for this session.  Stay tuned next time to see if the PCs get out of the pocket universe before they're totally screwed, and whether they will ever get to the Crown of Creation!

RPGPundit

Currently Smoking: Blatter Diplomat + H&H's Delta Days

(March 9, 2018)
LION & DRAGON: Medieval-Authentic OSR Roleplaying is available now! You only THINK you've played 'medieval fantasy' until you play L&D.


My Blog:  http://therpgpundit.blogspot.com/
The most famous uruguayan gaming blog on the planet!

NEW!
Check out my short OSR supplements series; The RPGPundit Presents!


Dark Albion: The Rose War! The OSR fantasy setting of the history that inspired Shakespeare and Martin alike.
Also available in Variant Cover form!
Also, now with the CULTS OF CHAOS cult-generation sourcebook

ARROWS OF INDRA
Arrows of Indra: The Old-School Epic Indian RPG!
NOW AVAILABLE: AoI in print form

LORDS OF OLYMPUS
The new Diceless RPG of multiversal power, adventure and intrigue, now available.

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DCC Campaign Log
« Reply #117 on: March 31, 2019, 05:05:00 AM »
DCC Campaign Update: At Least I Still Have My Vanilla Ice Poster


Last time, Heidi, Sami and Vizi had been sent by BOLT-0 and the Time Dinosaurs to stop the Dimension Bugs from making their way through a pocket dimension into the regular space-time and devouring it all.
The Vegomagus and the Catboy, meanwhile, were busy with Historical Jesus, trying to "find" Chocolate Jesus, who had been eaten by Mongo.

Now:
"Hey Historical Jesus, do you guys have a toilet here? Some laxatives?"
"Are you unwell?"
"I'm a catperson. I have so many parasites you wouldn't believe."



(This, according to catboy's player, is how he imagines his character)


-"We have no time for this. We must find Chocolate Jesus. He may have fallen to the dark side."
"I'm sure he has!"

-"Hey Historical Jesus, do you think it could be G.O.D.'s will for me to get a book that teaches me Magic Missile?"

-"By the end of this, Chocolate Jesus won't be chocolate."
"Holy shit."
"Literally."

-While searching for Mongo, the catboy comes across a door marked "Do Not Enter".
"I can't resist! Curiosity..."

-Inside, he finds a Korean Jesus, who's frantically filling out paperwork.
"Hi?"
"What you want?!"
"Um, nothing really.."
"Go away. Very busy!!"

-Black Jesus barges in.
"Catboy, get the fuck out of here! Don't you go bothering Korean Jesus; he's the one who gets all the work done around here!"




-The Catboy finally finds Mongo, having forgotten that Mongo thinks of the catboy as his pet.
"George!!"
"Oh shit."

[ATTACH=CONFIG]3288[/ATTACH]


-While being squeezed and cuddled by the giant man-child, the Catboy notices an equally-desperate bunny being squeezed in Mongo's other arm.
"Where the hell did you find a rabbit, Mongo?"
"Carl!!"

-The catboy's plan is to feed Mongo laxatives to get him to poop out chocolate jesus.
"I guess I better open the bottle for him, because it's probably got a child-safety lid."
"Ok, roll."
"I fail."
"You can't open the bottle."

-The catboy shoots the bottle, scaring Mongo who destroys a priceless statue for no reason and runs away.
The shot also scared the Vegomagus (who's temporarily blinded because the strong lighting in the Sun disrupts his cybernetic eyes); the Vegomagus casts Animal Summoning reflexively.
"Historical Jesus looks at you both as if he's realizing he's made a terrible mistake."

-"Historical Jesus, dost thou haveth--"
"Art thou mocking me?!"
"um.. no."

-"Do you have Restore Vitality?"
"No."
"You know he probably does, but he's just an asshole."


-"Art thou saying that Mongo hath EATEN Chocolate Jesus?"
"Well... yes."
"So the laxatives were for Mongo?"
"Yes."
"And thou thought that this would restore Chocolate Jesus?"
"Yes."
"If thou wast eaten by a giant, wouldst thou come back after he evacuated? Or wouldst thou just be a pile of crap?"

-"You're not going to punish Mongo, are you?"
"No. Mongo is an innocent, but he must be handled more carefully... wait, is that a rabbit?! Where did he even get that?"
"He named it Carl."

-"We must take care Mongo commit no more atrocities."
"Yeah. Also, he's about to shit himself."
"Oh no! Take me away from here, please!"
"Oh yeah, I forgot that you're totally blind right now. Does that mean you're sense of smell is like augmented?"
"Oh god!"

-"Your mission here is done. Go in peace, to love and serve others. And fuck off."

-Vegomagus and the catboy were about to go when suddenly they hear weird TARDIS-noises, and find themselves in the Kirbyesque time-palace of the Time Dinosaurs!

[ATTACH=CONFIG]3289[/ATTACH]



-"SILENCE! I AM BOLT-0!"
"You mean Bolt-zero, right?"
"BOLT-0!"
"Yeah, but that's a zero at the end of your name."
"Hey, you're right! He should be called bolt-zero!"

-"Your son is Bolt-1, pronounced 'bolt-one'; so you should be bolt-zero"
"I AM BOLT-0!"
"Heh, we're pissing him off."

-"Look, we were busy doing stuff together. We don't want to go on a mission."
"BOLT-0 DOES NOT CARE ABOUT YOUR INTERSPECIES HOMOEROTIC RELATIONSHIP!"
"It's not that!"
"BOLT-0 KNOWS. BOLT-0 IS JUST FUCKING WITH YOU."
"He's just mad about the bolt-zero thing."

-"Are you with Captain Harry?"
"HE IS A RENEGADE VIOLATING THE LAWS OF TIME"
"Aren't you violating the laws of time by bringing us here?"
"BOLT-0 WROTE THE LAWS OF TIME!"
"Convenient."

-BOLT-0 has to explain to the Vegomagus that no, you can't use Time Dinosaur parts to summon regular dinosaurs.
"YOU WOULD KNOW THIS IF YOU HAD READ BOLT-0'S BOOK"
"Which one?"
"BOLT-0'S BIG BOOK OF SUMMONING"

-"I'm trying to annoy BOLT-0 to get him to send us away faster."
"You know that you're probably just making it all take longer, right?"
"Hey, it worked when we did it with Jesus, right?"
"Yeah, true. Go Team Useless!"

[ATTACH=CONFIG]3290[/ATTACH]


-"So the Dimension Bugs are like... dimensions, and bugs?"
"CORRECT"
"we're getting used to this!"

-"BOLT-O could you write me a book about magic missile spells?"
"He can't write anything, he's just a giant head!"
"Maybe he has telepathic powers?"
"Maybe he has tiny robot hands??"

-"The Vegomagus and Catboy are comic relief in a party of comic relief."

-"BOLT-O THINKS HE SHOULD KEEP THE SUNSTAFF HERE. IT IS TOO DANGEROUS TO LOSE"
"No."
"BOLT-O WOULD HOLD ONTO IT FOR YOU"
"We know what you're up to, robot!"
"Yeah.  No deal. Here's where you say 'rats'."
"RATS."

-The rest of the PCs were in an interdimensional hallway with weird gravity, when suddenly they see two figures appearing out of nowhere.
"Fire!"
"You realize that it's the catboy and the vegomagus."
"Ohhh. Fire!"

-"Why the fuck did Bolt-0 send you?"
"He thought you were all dead by now."
"He must be wanting to handicap us."
"They can work as cannon fodder, I guess."
"Yes, my porcupines can be cannon fodder!"
"You know he wasn't talking about the porcupines, right?"
"I know, I'm just trying to put up a good face to mask my hurt."

-The PCs move on to a vast grand hall, positioned with weird gravity perpendicular to their point of entry, that reaches down toward a huge energy web on one end, and a distant stone altar on the other end.

-"Vegomagus, do you have a fire spell?"
"No, but I can make light!"
"If I asked if you had a water spell would you try to lick me?"

-"I have a grenade. We could throw that at the web?"
"I could have a porcupine shoot quills!"
"You aren't helping your cause, Vegomagus."

-"So, are we supposed to destroy the web?"
"I don't know."
"BOLT-0 didn't actually tell us anything about how to end this!"
"BOLT-0 told us nothing!"

-"Do I see heat signatures from the web?"
"I forgot you could do that."
"With my cyber-eyes I can see heat, radiation, night vision..."
"But you can't see love."

-The giant energy-web is full of regular dimension bugs plus one really huge dimension bug.
"We should kill them."
"We should kill them in groups... to maximize the experience points we gain."

-"I could get Vizi's laser-sword and fly over to cut the web."
"That's assuming you could take my laser-sword!"

-"Hey Sami, can I wish for more wishes?"
"What? Do you think the Cleric is a genie or something?"
"But we can pay her for wishes!"
"No, that's not how clerics work."
"That was her old job!"


(how Sami's player imagines her)

-"I guess I'm going to shoot the web."
"Me too."
"wait, there's weird magical patches on the ceiling."
"Weird... how?"

-"Can you get me up there Heidi?"
"Yes."
"Me too?"
"Not with your porcupine."
"OK, I'll tell him to stay here."
"Now I just don't think I want to take you. The porcupine was just an excuse."

-"Are there any traps on the floor?"
"Nope."
A moment later, one of the PCs is hit by a spring trap designed to toss him into the gravity well leading to the web.
"Oh, wait, I guess there are traps."
"So, the catboy isn't really a thief at all, is he?"

-With Vizi on the roof (which has its own opposite gravity), the catboy shoots the patch nearest him and it comes to life, turning into a creature of pure darkness like the one that had almost killed Vizi back in gallery earlier.
"Oh shit!"
"Well, Vizi, you could always just step back and fall 60' down..."


-Heidi shoots at the blackness, and ends up hitting Vizi.
"I did 12 damage to him."
"OK."
"Oh wait... does my deed die count?"
"Yes."
"In that case I did 16 damage to Vizi!"

-The 'darkblobs' try to hit Sami.
"I have Sanctuary!"
"Oh, right! Then it hits Vizi instead and drops him."
"Another Sanctuary casualty..."

-"Guys, help!"
"Don't worry, my balls are coming!"
"For fuck's sake, say Force Manipulation Balls!"




-Heidi grabs the darkblob enveloping Vizi and tears it in half.
"Wow!"
"Yeah, I was pretty sure I was going to hurt Vizi too."

-While everyone else is fighting, Catboy starts putting makeup on.
"What the hell are you doing that for?!"
"To look better!"
"Imagine a cat. Now imagine a cat with makeup on. How the fuck does that look better?"


[ATTACH=CONFIG]3291[/ATTACH]

-Vizi gets enveloped by a darkblob again.
"Are you even trying to pull yourself off?"
"hehe, pull myself off!"
"You're trying but the darkblob has a very strong grip."




-"Doing another Force Manipulation, Vegomagus?"
"Yeah."
"It's what's working for him, as much as anything ever works for the Vegomagus."
"That's generous of you."

-"If I had Magic Missile I'd be killing them all!"
"I don't think so, they're literally made of Darkness."

-"You hit for moderate damage."
"He's moderately successful!"

-"Yay, I'm only the second most useless party member!"
"It would be really hard to set the bar lower than the Catboy."

-The Vegomagus hits another darkblob with a Force Ball, killing it.
"You're getting dropped by Team Useless, darkblobs!"




-The regular darkblobs having been vanquished, the party ends up getting to the altar and facing the Boss darkblob. It turns out to be a darkblob version of Mu!
"What?! Why?"
"I'm going to fire a forceball at him, that would probably be cathartic!"

-"BOLT-0 never even told us what to do!"
"Bolt-zero told us nothing!"

-"Can Locate Object locate our reason for being here?"
"Can it locate my will to live?"




-The back wall behind the altar has a strange pattern of non-euclidian geometric designs.
"This seems to form into some kind of a planar gateway."
"So you're saying we should break it?"

-"OK, no one look at me while I cast this!"
"Why would we want to?"

-"Hey you guys, you left me way back here... is anyone going to pick me up?"

-"Heidi it's your turn to pick up the catboy."
"No way, its yours."
"Rock-paper-scissors?"
"OK"
"You lose."
"Damnit."

-"I wonder what Mongo is doing right now..."
"What the fuck makes you think about that at a time like this?!"

-The PCs go down a side-corridor and reach a room with a pit of trash. While investigating said trash, a real-life living Mu surprise attacks them!

-"Wait... Sami?! Is that you? My love you've come back to me!"
"Oh man it's an alternate timeline Mu..."
"Just a second, let me kill Heidi and then we'll finally be together forever!"

[ATTACH=CONFIG]3292[/ATTACH]


-The Vegomagus rolls a 1 on a spellcheck, and now the corridor has no friction.

-Vizi slips from the frictionless corridor and falls into the trash pile, on top of a bunch of "Boyz 2 Men" posters.

-This alternate-timeline Mu is a Thief, rather than a wizard. He hits Heidi for 3 points of damage.
"Oh no, Sami, quick heal Heidi, even though I'm way more damaged and you can't be bothered to heal me."
"Vizi is butthurt."
"Well, I was 12hp down and Sami said I was fine, but Heidi gets a paper cut and suddenly she rushes to save him."

-"What the fuck, Sami? Suddenly you're on Heidi's side? After all we've been through?"
"We need to kill this Mu and loot his body, quick."

-"Wait, Thief-Mu, what did your Heidi do to you?"
"He was a selfish asshole."
"Well yeah, but I mean, wasn't your Heidi a 'pacifist'?"
"No, he was a Libertarian."




-"so wait, you guys are from a different timeline than me?"
"Yes."
"I don't know this guy..."
"That's the catboy."
"And where's Laquanda?"
"Laquanda?!"

-"I guess our team was a lot better than your team, thief-Mu."
"Yeah, ours constantly fucked everything up."
"Oh, so about the same, then."

-"Sami, babe, will you take me back now?"
"Hell no!"
"But I'm your little Mu-Mu!"
"Fuck, he must have come from a really disturbing timeline."


-"We were in love! I gave everything to you. You seriously mean in this timeline we weren't in love? What about when you lost both your arms and I had to bathe you?"
"No, obviously! Look, arms!"
"Well, they grew back!"

-"I think we just need to find Laquanda. She was vital to our becoming a couple in the first place!"
"Man, now I really want to meet this Laquanda!"

-"Hey thief-Mu, can I take some of your posters?"
"Only the Vanilla Ice posters."
"Eww. What the hell, I take one anyways."

-They move on, taking Thief-Mu with them.
"Thief-mu is searching for traps, looking around carefully, he's acting like a proper thief. So it's a totally new experience for the catboy."

-"So were you and Heidi always enemies, Mu?"
"No, Heidi and I were kind of friends at first, then he read that Ayn Rand book and everything went to shit."




-"Wait, you guys call him Bolt-zero in your timeline?"
"Yes we do!"
"hehe, we're teaching thief-Mu wrong as a joke."

-The PCs find the key to the gateway, and end up facing the lair of the chief Dimension Bug Intelligence. It spews out these acid attacks, and Vizi takes massive damage. Heidi also takes a few points of damage.
"Sami, I need you!"
"Coming, Heidi"
"god damn it!"

-In the end, Vizi proves the hero, making a critical hit that doesn't do any damage but following it up with a second crit that kills the Dimension Bug leader.

-With the pocket dimension fading, BOLT-0 teleports the team out of there.
"We made it, Sami my love! And now I'm going to win you back, and make you love me again like---"
"He vanished!"
"HE WAS FROM AN ALTERNATE TIMELINE."
"Thank goodness."

-"At least I still have my vanilla ice poster!"

-"BOLT-0, return out to our timeline!"
"Wait, he still has to pay us!"
"RETURNING TO TIMELINE NOW!"
"Sonofa.."

-No sooner have they returned, Anema kidnaps the catboy, teleporting the two of them away.
"While you were gone, the relationship between Anema and Fabritzio has not improved."

-"She has a crush on the catboy! We need to find them, quick!"

-The heroes rush off to try to find the catboy, leaving the Vegomagus (who is blind in the sun) in the hallway alone.
"Guys? Hello??"

That's everything for this session. Stay tuned  next time to see if the PCs can repair the relationship between the spirit of the Sun and the rebel biker-wight so they can finally get to the Crown of creation.


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LORDS OF OLYMPUS
The new Diceless RPG of multiversal power, adventure and intrigue, now available.

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Re: DCC Campaign Log
« Reply #118 on: September 02, 2020, 01:22:23 PM »
There were more of these updates over on my blog. But I've now stopped doing them, because Bill the Elf has a Youtube Channel where he posts audio of our sessions!
LION & DRAGON: Medieval-Authentic OSR Roleplaying is available now! You only THINK you've played 'medieval fantasy' until you play L&D.


My Blog:  http://therpgpundit.blogspot.com/
The most famous uruguayan gaming blog on the planet!

NEW!
Check out my short OSR supplements series; The RPGPundit Presents!


Dark Albion: The Rose War! The OSR fantasy setting of the history that inspired Shakespeare and Martin alike.
Also available in Variant Cover form!
Also, now with the CULTS OF CHAOS cult-generation sourcebook

ARROWS OF INDRA
Arrows of Indra: The Old-School Epic Indian RPG!
NOW AVAILABLE: AoI in print form

LORDS OF OLYMPUS
The new Diceless RPG of multiversal power, adventure and intrigue, now available.