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Author Topic: From the Gnomemurdered "Afterwards"  (Read 9023 times)


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From the Gnomemurdered "Afterwards"
« on: December 30, 2009, 11:38:00 AM »
"Part I: A History of Gnomes and RPGs, and A Call to Arms!

Mr. Bernstein, my endlessly ruthless editor, has demanded that I now cap this already-perfect jewel with the garish sparkly sequins of an Post-script. So here you have it.

Gnomemurdered is essentially not only possibly the most popular RPG ever written, it is also the most honest. In many ways, the only truly honest RPG out there.

Consider this: in most other fantasy RPGs, innocent readers are actively and horrifically deceived into believing falsehoods about the treacherous Gnome.  The earliest of these is the “Dungeons and Dragons” game itself.  In this product, gnomes were initially portrayed as a “humanoid” race (Yeah, right!) that were generally said to be related to Dwarves.  This is a vile slander against Dwarves, and exactly what the Gnomish Biological Engineers want you to believe.
They are described in the earlier versions of this game as “miners” and “jewelers”. This is also blatantly untrue. Gnomes have not worked an honest day’s labour in their putrid lives!
Later, it was admitted that Gnomes were quite capable at magic; but here they were portrayed again as harmless “illusionists” who were no match for a well-trained human or elf. So what at first glance seems to be an admission of power, may in fact be just another way that the pro-Gnome elements in the RPG industry attempted to deflect any attempts to clarify the truth about Gnomes; in a particularly clever way, not by denial but by taking a seed of truth and warping it completely into something that would promote ignorance!

In much later versions of the game, they were portrayed as inventors; when it is clearly known that Gnomes are actually essentially incapable of producing anything industrious, their only capacity is for destruction. Granted, some versions of the game portrayed them as “hare-brained” inventors, making quasi-technological artifacts that tended to malfunction in amusing ways.
But isn’t that just WORSE? I mean really, now the innocent reader will come to believe that Gnomes are not only harmless, but funny! It is clear that the company that made this game, by that point in time, had been thoroughly infiltrated by Gnomish operatives, who had clued into the success of RPGs as a way to spread propaganda that would blind geeks everywhere to the Gnomish menace.

That’s right. I’m saying that the Role Playing Game industry has been controlled by Gnomish influence since at least the first few years of its existence, and that this perfidious influence has been near-total in its effectiveness. Gnomes have been manipulating gamers, for over 30 years now; causing inferior styles of play, and damaging the very minds of gamers.  Not only through the largest and most popular RPG (possibly prior to Gnomemurdered itself), but also through almost all other RPGs.  Think about it, people: before Gnomemurdered, we only ever heard of two kinds of RPGs: RPGs where Gnomes were portrayed as friendly, good, jovial, and harmless, or, perhaps even worse, RPGs where Gnomes aren’t mentioned at all!
Consider this: How many Science-fiction RPGs have Gnomes in them? How many horror RPGs? Why is there a total denial of the Multidimensional Gnomish Space Terror Empire?!

Now, I’m not saying that every single major Game Designer or Publisher in the RPG industry has been taken over by Gnomish mind-control; clearly at the very least Precis Intermedia continues to be willing to publish the truth; but you do have to wonder why it is that only I’m asking these very tough questions here; and why it seems that some people don’t want those questions asked?

Or maybe I wasn’t the only one. Perhaps others, who took a less-cautious route than I did, published RPGs where Gnomes were accurately portrayed before. But if so, where are these people? Where are these games? Did the Gnomes make them disappear; erased from history? Even now, some people cast doubts on the overwhelming success of Gnomemurdered 1e, and there have been a number of unusual difficulties in the process of getting 2e published!  It is my sincere hope that at least some of the major RPG publishers out there have not actually been subverted directly by Gnomish influence, and its simply that they have been subject to the more mundane ignorance of the truth that our society as a whole seems to suffer from. And it is my sincere hope that this will be so, because then one of these publishers may decide to finally open their eyes, see the truth, publish Gnomemurdered 3e, and allow me to fulfill my dream to retiring to a life of unbridled wealth, hookers, and blow.

In any case, the devastating effect of Gnomish Propaganda on the RPG hobby is blatantly clear. When a publisher prints lies about Gnomes, gamers read those lies, and if they are not of a sufficiently questioning nature or have not had the good graces of discovering those few venues where the real truth is shared, they will wallow in their ignorance, and spread those lies like a cancer to the rest of their gaming group.  It is almost like a cycle of abuse, where one “generation” of truth-stunted gamers will end up spreading the same defective techniques of pro-gnome gaming to others.

But now I say, no more! With the advent of Gnomemurdered 2e, we will begin a new era of elite gaming that will dare to expose the truth of Gnomish insidiousness, and make sure to spread that message to all and sundry. Gnomemurdered is not just a game, not even just a Public Service, it is a CRUSADE.

There are those who can claim ignorance; but you, gentle reader, cannot. Not anymore, not after holding Gnomemurdered in your possibly grubby hands, and reading it with the intensity I trust you will have dedicated to it, in your every spare waking hour until these golden verses are deeply burned inside your skull to act as a metaphysical shield to insure that nevermore will you fail your saving throw against the metaphorical spell of slumber cast by the wicked pointy-hat-wearing monstrosities. Now you are burdened with a DUTY: to awaken others to the truth. If you do not, you are serving the Gnomish race, and dooming the human race forever.

So I would call each and every one of you to do two things:
First, to make a sacred commitment, right here and now, to never again spread, tolerate, or in any way promote RPG play that does not include the Truth about Gnomes, much less gameplay that promotes filthy Gnomish lies.  And to endeavour whenever possible to include, spread and promote that good word of truth wherein you reveal the wickedness and terror of the Gnome.
It may cost you your gaming group, your friendships, maybe even eventually your life; but understand that if we do not stand up now, then what hope does our species have? The only way to stop the Gnomes is by good men being willing to lay it all down in defense of the Truth.

Second, that you will assist the makers of Gnomemurdered, working together with us, because together we are stronger, in promoting this radical new style of Anti-Gnome gameplay. It may not be safe or viable for you to do so alone, or in many of the popular forums of the day in the inter-nets, where ridicule and banning may await you for wanting to stand up for Truth; but to that end I have, with the assistance of Precis Intermedia, decided to make sure there is at least one unbreachable fortress of Truth in this new electronic world. That is the Official Gnomemurdered discussion forum, which will be found here:

Go to this site, go to the Gnomemurdered forum, join up, and participate in the deadly serious fun of meeting with other brave warriors for truth, and sharing your ideas and experiences. Here you will be able to discuss rules, scenarios, campaigns, and all kinds of other game-related issues; as well as communicating and informing (and being informed) with your fellow gamers as to all kinds of new Gnome Lore as we continue to discover more terrible truths about our evil diminutive nemesis; their strengths and weaknesses, their plans and habits. And finally, where we can discuss our successes and failures, and hopefully there will be more and more of the former and less of the latter as time goes by, in our efforts to spread the truth of Correct Anti-Gnome RPG play in our gaming groups, gaming forums, and society at large.

So come, join us, and form the first great Gamers’ Resistance Army against the Gnomish assault!

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