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Author Topic: Someone please release, a "Tome of Freaks, for 5E".  (Read 1009 times)

Effete

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Re: Someone please release, a "Tome of Freaks, for 5E".
« Reply #15 on: September 22, 2022, 05:31:44 PM »
Would it include chromatic land-whales...?
All chromatic land whales are recognizable by their artificially colored haired and often equally garish apparal.

Black-haired Land Whale - Also known as an emo-drake or goth-drake, this land whale's breath attack spews forth a stream of awful, angsty poetry. Listeners must make a Saving Throw or be Cringed. Those who make the save can safely ignore the land whale for 24 hours. If the entire party successfully ignores it, the emo-drake will slink away to its room and be found dead in the closet 1d6 days later.

Blue-haired Land Whale - The most common type of land whale, it's colorings can sometimes shift into the violet spectrum. Mostly harmless when encountered alone, a blue-haired land whale can use its breath weapon to attract a crowd of beta-male simps to do its fighting for it. Although it will sometimes resort to violence itself, it will shriek with indignation at anyone who reciprocates, sending the beta males into a feeding frenzy.

Green-haired Land Whale - Indigenous to densely-populated social media sites, these land whales can change their appearance through the use of filters. Their breath weapon often takes the form of lip-synching pop songs, and they equate retweets with correctness. They despise hearing opinions they don't like, and make liberal use of their Block ability. However, green-haired land whales are easily avoided by clicking away.

Red-haired Land Whale - The largest and most dangerous of all land whales. Often called a Big Red, these shrill, obstinate beasts will use every liguistic trick and logical fallacy to push their beliefs onto others. According to them, they are always right, and their opponent is always wrong. Big Reds will use their breath weapon to shout "I'm Speaking!" in order to silence their foes. It can use this breath weapon as many times as it wants (which is very often), and prolonged exposure to this attack cause Fatigue, Hopelessness, and Frustration. Do not approach!

____
Typing this up reminded me of this parody song by DrRandomercam
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=t9pN_Gzo5p8
« Last Edit: September 22, 2022, 05:59:11 PM by Effete »

jhkim

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Re: Someone please release, a "Tome of Freaks, for 5E".
« Reply #16 on: September 23, 2022, 12:47:55 AM »
Ooh. Could I submit one for myself? Some posters criticize me as an SJW and some over intellectual dishonesty, so maybe in the spirit of the AD&D Intellect Devourer, I could be:

Intellect Dishonester:  This foul creature attempts to infiltrate the campsite of good-aligned adventurers with its deceptive ability (save vs spells), then strikes from within the campsite. It claws with its front and rear claws, and attempts a brain blast but this is easily dismissed (save vs poison for no damage).

I'm not sure how I should be killed, though. Any suggestions?

Jam The MF

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Re: Someone please release, a "Tome of Freaks, for 5E".
« Reply #17 on: September 23, 2022, 01:00:42 AM »
Ooh. Could I submit one for myself? Some posters criticize me as an SJW and some over intellectual dishonesty, so maybe in the spirit of the AD&D Intellect Devourer, I could be:

Intellect Dishonester:  This foul creature attempts to infiltrate the campsite of good-aligned adventurers with its deceptive ability (save vs spells), then strikes from within the campsite. It claws with its front and rear claws, and attempts a brain blast but this is easily dismissed (save vs poison for no damage).

I'm not sure how I should be killed, though. Any suggestions?


Either Fire or Acid Damage?
I was Banned from RPG.net a long time ago, for Having Common Sense.

jhkim

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Re: Someone please release, a "Tome of Freaks, for 5E".
« Reply #18 on: September 23, 2022, 01:06:22 AM »
Ooh. Could I submit one for myself? Some posters criticize me as an SJW and some over intellectual dishonesty, so maybe in the spirit of the AD&D Intellect Devourer, I could be:

Intellect Dishonester:  This foul creature attempts to infiltrate the campsite of good-aligned adventurers with its deceptive ability (save vs spells), then strikes from within the campsite. It claws with its front and rear claws, and attempts a brain blast but this is easily dismissed (save vs poison for no damage).

I'm not sure how I should be killed, though. Any suggestions?

Either Fire or Acid Damage?

Sure. Ooh, since I'm a long-time and persistent poster, maybe I should have some regeneration - but I can be killed with fire or acid damage which doesn't regenerate. How does that sound?

EDITED TO ADD: I wonder if some play on being a Unitarian Universalist should be used to emphasize my freakishness. Our symbol is a burning chalice - so we're fire worshippers and Intellectual Dishonesters have a fire deity that they both fear and respect.
« Last Edit: September 23, 2022, 01:10:51 AM by jhkim »

Effete

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Re: Someone please release, a "Tome of Freaks, for 5E".
« Reply #19 on: September 23, 2022, 01:39:29 AM »
Moonbat - This large flying rodent has a wingspan of 4 feet, making it small enough to fit within a compact parking space. The creature is primarily an entomophage (it eets zee bugs), but it has been known to kill the careers of comedians when it gets a taste for blood. Though it is considered more intelligent than other rodents, a moonbat is woefully uneducated in economics, and entire colonies have starved to death as a result. Despite overwhelming evidence of this fact, moonbats insist that "real moonbat colonies have never been tried," and continue to repeat the same mistakes. Contrary to popular belief, moonbats are most active during the day since they erroneous believe the sun is an efficient and practical source of energy. During the night, though, they secretly use coal-powered energy to run their blenders, which they use to make margharitas and kiwi colonics. In combat, moonbats are fragile creatures that can be hurt by words, and in some cases, even silence.

Jam The MF

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Re: Someone please release, a "Tome of Freaks, for 5E".
« Reply #20 on: September 23, 2022, 06:08:29 AM »
Would it include chromatic land-whales...?
All chromatic land whales are recognizable by their artificially colored haired and often equally garish apparal.

Black-haired Land Whale - Also known as an emo-drake or goth-drake, this land whale's breath attack spews forth a stream of awful, angsty poetry. Listeners must make a Saving Throw or be Cringed. Those who make the save can safely ignore the land whale for 24 hours. If the entire party successfully ignores it, the emo-drake will slink away to its room and be found dead in the closet 1d6 days later.

Blue-haired Land Whale - The most common type of land whale, it's colorings can sometimes shift into the violet spectrum. Mostly harmless when encountered alone, a blue-haired land whale can use its breath weapon to attract a crowd of beta-male simps to do its fighting for it. Although it will sometimes resort to violence itself, it will shriek with indignation at anyone who reciprocates, sending the beta males into a feeding frenzy.

Green-haired Land Whale - Indigenous to densely-populated social media sites, these land whales can change their appearance through the use of filters. Their breath weapon often takes the form of lip-synching pop songs, and they equate retweets with correctness. They despise hearing opinions they don't like, and make liberal use of their Block ability. However, green-haired land whales are easily avoided by clicking away.

Red-haired Land Whale - The largest and most dangerous of all land whales. Often called a Big Red, these shrill, obstinate beasts will use every liguistic trick and logical fallacy to push their beliefs onto others. According to them, they are always right, and their opponent is always wrong. Big Reds will use their breath weapon to shout "I'm Speaking!" in order to silence their foes. It can use this breath weapon as many times as it wants (which is very often), and prolonged exposure to this attack cause Fatigue, Hopelessness, and Frustration. Do not approach!

____
Typing this up reminded me of this parody song by DrRandomercam
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=t9pN_Gzo5p8


The White Whale probably feels underrepresented in this post.  They need to publicly confess their transgressions.
I was Banned from RPG.net a long time ago, for Having Common Sense.

Effete

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Re: Someone please release, a "Tome of Freaks, for 5E".
« Reply #21 on: September 23, 2022, 07:46:47 AM »
The White Whale probably feels underrepresented in this post.  They need to publicly confess their transgressions.

I feel like there's a Moby Dick reference in there somewhere.

Darkwind

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Re: Someone please release, a "Tome of Freaks, for 5E".
« Reply #22 on: September 23, 2022, 09:59:12 AM »
Effete- Thanks for taking a swing, the ones you came up with are comical, good job. 👍✌ ;D