X-Men Apocalypse, Long Form Analysis, Spoilers

[Spike]

Because I can.

First, my credentials, then a disclaimer of sorts, and from there we'll get into a scene by scene...

As X-men fans go I've always felt a little weird. The X-men team I started with, at the end of the Fall of the Mutants 'saga', was led by Mohawk Storm, and included Rogue, British Psylocke and Longshot and, I believe, Colossus, with Forge being an important character.  You might notice that about half of these characters are, in X-Men terms, nobodies.

NOT the usual lineup you might say. That was way back around issue 114, and I stopped reading sometime around... I believe it was called the Age of Apocalypse, which would have been the third 'alternate timeline' mega-arc in a motherfucking row and I just completely checked the everloving fuck out and never really looked back. I read a handful of X-Factor books, back when they had most of the classic X-men on their team, and though I encountered Apocalypse himself in the comics, I never really read an entire arc with him as the villain, so I'm not really an expert on the Man Himself, you might say.  However, and this will be relevant to the film, the one Horseman of Apocalypse I definitively knew about, could name, and tell you his entire history... was Angel, the Horseman of Death.  I think its fair to say that when discussing the Horsemen of Apocalypse, Angel is a rather big deal, which isn't bad for a dude whose super power pretty much consists of 'I got wings!'.... in a setting where every other mutant can fly.

Which leads me to the Disclaimer: I'm not all about canon nazi-ing up this bitch. I understand fully that the movies have adapted the stories from the Comics, that most villians will not, nor should not, be recurring and you don't have thirty fucking years of monthly issues to build backstory.  If you are expecting me to tear this film apart for violating canon, you're in the wrong thread. ON THE OTHER HAND... if you are expected me to give really really bad mis-uses of canon (which, again: Relevant to Angel, Psylocke and others...) a pass because 'its the movie universe, bro'... you are ALSO in the wrong thread.  

On wit' da film!


So we open in Egypt in BC 3900.  During some sort of procession, lots of dudes lined up, praying and so forth.  Big pyramid with the capstone covered in black cloth with a gold symbol on it, guards giving eachother shady looks.  The timing of this is interesting, and I should point out it all looks gorgeous. In some ways this is the very best part of the film (other than Quicksilver's extended Sweet Dreams sequence, later...).  BC 3900 is Pre-Dynastic times, this would be some seven hundred years before the Scorpion King, for the curious.  Its a good choice of time periods for what they want to do with Apocalypse, or at least some of what they want to do.  Anyway: you've probably seen it: Old Apocalypse gets on a slab next to some dude who regenerates who is to become his New Body, a bunch of 'shady looks guards' attack his bodyguards and get slaughtered, giant slabs of rock tear out the foundations of the Pyramid and the Gold Capstone does some weird shit to facilitate the transfer and Apocalypse gets trapped under the gold Capstone before he wakes up.

So, questions: Why didn't any of the assassins have mutant powers? For sheer theatricality of the otherwise pointless fight scenes, if nothing else.  That's a minor one.  A more significant one is:How Does this Ritual work?  

No, seriously. We 'know' that Apocalypse is a mutant, he considers himself the First Mutant (with all other Mutants being his children...), and that he's done this body hopping thing 'a thousand times'.  Does he burn out bodies quickly? Yes? No? We don't know, so we can presume know. Great, so he's live a thousand lifetimes. How da fukk did he manage it the very first time?  See, this doesn't make sense. If his Mutant Power is 'body hopping'... and I'm pretty sure in Canon it isn't... then why does he need this fancy ritual?  This ritual is EITHER Magic (which, sure: makes sense) or some sort of Alien Technology... which, when combined with 'ancient egypt' has unfortunate Stargate comparisons that are best avoided.  Problem: The X-Men Films have studiously avoided Magic and Aliens for their entire run thus far... even Mutant Wizards (of whom I could name a few...) have been left out.

So we run into a serious problem with Apocalypse in that he doesn't fit the setting.  There's a minor issue with his armor (like: his bodyguard takes the time... IN FREEFALL... to make sure his armor is transferred to his new body, and at the end of the movie it is stripped off of him before he can die... but WHY? No explanation. Its... important but not important.).

On the subject of his bodyguard... I am the very LAST person to comment on whitewashing in films, but seriously: he's got this one Horseman (because that's what his bodyguards are...) who is some sort of white chick. I'm cool with that, but I notice she is just about literally the ONLY PERSON IN THE ENTIRE SCENE with lines.  Oh, wait... that's not what I wanted to mention at all. Sorry, I got caught up in politics for a moment. No... sorry, what I wanted to mention is that all of his Horsemen... but most especially This Chick... are apparently very trustworthy and fanatically loyal to old Apocalypse here. Like: rather than using her powers to save her own life during said freefall moment, she uses them to make sure Apocalypse Lives.  

Now, I got to go a bit out of order here, but something like Half The Movie is Apocalypse chosing to change bodies into Xavier, despite not apparently needing too right now, simply to take his power because Telepathy is just one of those Gotta Collect 'Em All sort of powers that he hasn't managed to collect yet... and he's apparently seriously worried about being betrayed because he can't control people's minds?

So we have some serious thematic confusion in the film already. Just... keep that in mind as we move forward. Motivations and Themes are big deals when writing good films and this film seems to lack both for the Big Bad.  

So Apocalypse is trapped for six thousand years under a giant hunk of gold that may or may not be some sort of alien technology. Or maybe magic.  

Cut to 1981, Scott Summers in Class, apparently suffering from serious Eye Allergies, which mostly serves as an exposition dump for people who didn't watch the last film?  The kid playing Scott Summers here is fine, the guy playing the bully is ok, but the scene is a massive flop. Its film, guys. It doesn't have to play out in real time, and the teacher doesn't have any reason to be a raging bitch to Scott Summers as it serves no plot value. She literally never appears again.

What goes wrong? Well a: Scott asks to be excused because something is wrong with his eyes, objectively true... he even LOOKS like, well, something is wrong with his eyes.  SHe lets him go but instead of sending him to the school nurse (They had those back in the 1980s, I tell you!), she sends him to the principle for disrupting class. So... anti-mutant prejudice against a guy who isn't even a mutant yet?  Then the bell rings AS HE IS LEAVING CLASS! Presumably so the bully can follow him to the bathroom to kick his ass (Film. Seriously. We Don't Need To See The Bully Leave Class To Accept That He Left Class!), which makes her bitchiness even more pointless... AND SHE KEEPS TEACHING THE CLASS!!!!

Seriously: Did the people making this film... from the... um... writer? (seriously: Does this film have a writer) to the director, editor down to the motherfucking ACTORS IN THE GODDAMN SCENE... ever actually attend a school in their lives? This is not how schools work. I feel a little bit like an idiot for saying this, but when the fucking bell rings, that means that the Class Is Over and you Have To Get To The Next Class Now. Its not just a sound that randomly occurs from time to time letting you know that... yup, we have a bell all right.  Fuck me, I'm in stupid land.

Anyway: You've see it. The Bully tracks Scott to the bathroom, Scott blasts the door to teh bathroom stall takign out the bully and SCENE!   Its sad when I'm starting to think the Bully was the deepest and most thoughtfully written/acted character in the film.  I do have TWO things to say about this scene... first, in some regards this isn't a badly MADE film. The rising tension with the bully pounding on the door is well done, and even in the midst of all the stupidity that is this fucking film there are any number of scenes that are genuinely 'tense' or 'moving'... even despite the grating horror that is the... ahem... "script".

Illustrating that is how the scene ends: They have to show us that the bully is alive and mostly unhurt despite the sheer furious power of Scott Summer's Eye-Beams in every other scene.  Because Scott is a GOOD GUY, right? And GOOD GUYS don't straight up murder, even by accident, school bullies.  Sigh. I'm not saying he Should Have murdered the Bully... I'm saying they shouldn't have spent any time showing us that Yes, the Bully Lives.  Its a bad call, and by itself, harmless, but since something like that happens in Every.Single.Scene....

Fuck it: I'll take the extra time here.  Nobody in this film has a character and actions don't have normal consequences. Everything occurs according to the Logic Of Making A Movie. Scott doesn't kill the Bully because, according to LoMaM, Scott is a HERO and HEROES Don't Kill... even by accident.  This robs the character of, well, character. It robs the scene of its earlier tension. It robs the audience of immersion, since the only rules we can rely on are the LoMaM rules, rather than the internal rules of the setting, and it finally robs the audience (again) of any 'risk', since every action in LoMaM has been focus grouped to oblivion. It makes the film the blandest of inoffensive oatmeals.

Anyway: Scene.

East Berlin, Jennifer Lawrence...

Break to get this out of the way. SHe didn't want to be in the film and she isn't nearly a good enough actress to pull off BEING in the film while not being in the film. They keep calling her Raven and Mystique and all that, but she is literally playing Jennifer Lawrence (henceforth JLaw to save time) for the entire film. Fine, that happens. BUT they ALSO want her to be the fucking heart and soul of the goddamn film! Its bad idea piled on bad idea. She's like the Mirror Universe version of Kristen Stewart (who clearly hated being in Twilight, and has since spent most (Not all... Huntsman ) trying to prove she is a serious actress with serious chops and a professional attitude.  JLaw apparently loved being Katniss Everdeen and has spent the rest of her career being Too Good For This Shit, which... sorry... she ain't. But they fucking cast her anyway because 'she's hot right now', rather than 'is she any good' and 'will she do anything good in the role'.   Hollywood is literally filled with morons with more money than brains, because that sort of idiotic casting idea is supposed to be a piss take on how the industry works, but nope... just like the casting couch, its literally true.  She fucking drags the whole goddamn show down with every scene she is in, and she is in almost every fucking scene.  

Right. where was I? Oh, yeah: East Berlin. So... JLaw sultries her way into some sort of underground mutant-slave cage match scene and I just realized that's more or less how we met Wolverine way back in teh very first X-Men Movie. Sigh. But This One Goes To Eleven!   Anyway: Angel...  and Canon Alert: In the Films he'd be a motherfucking Baby right now, not a grown man... just beat (killed?) a Fatman, possibly the Blob in a cage match, his tenth win, we're told twice (once by the announcer and once by Angel scratching a hashmark on the floor. Why twice? Because audiences are stupid, that's why.) JLaw sultries around a bit doing some sort of ALIAS bit or something while they bring in Nightcrawler in some sort of electrified coffin. Now, in classic Canon, Nightcrawler is, in fact, unable to teleport through electrical fields, so this works, but they sort of overplay their hands. Anyway: This scene is a mess, as badly constructed as the bathroom scene earlier was well constructed.  We get pointless exposition dumps (You have to fight or they'll kill us...), JLaw just smeared over as much film as they could get her in, and so on.  

Let me make a point for ya: If you have wings and can fly, its pretty stupid to fight in an octogon cage, even if it is three stories tall. You can't actually FLY in that little space (Though they do let him fly... but it looks like he's swinging on wires every time.  Seriously: every scene he's in (until the end?) Angel looks like he's swinging on a wire swing when he 'flies' WORST FLIGHT SFX EVEH!!!!!).  Once JLAW turns off the power so that Angel and Nightcrawler can escape... she helps Nightcrawler. The guy who can just teleport to someplace he's been, far away from this Shitshow, and be 'safe'. Not the guy who has to physically get from point a to point be and has GIANT FUCKING WINGS on his back making him stand out in a crowd... no, she helps the guy who can teleport and can disguise himself with a good hat. Why? Because the Plot Says So? Because Angel is No Longer A Hero because he's fought in this slavery-death match ten times and Nightcrawler is the Innocent Newbie?   Maybe Nightcrawler is the Innocent Newbie because he's the Designated Hero/Victim in this scene. I'm thinking every goddamn thing about every goddamn scene was constructed deliberately in this fashion.

Oh yeah: And absolutely nothing about the design of this film makes it feel like it was set in the early 80's. I mean... there are a couple of costumes and a picture of Ronald Regan, but that's just about it.

Oh yeah, and reviewing the film to make sure I keep the scenes in order I just realized that the announcer in the fight club calls Angel the Angel of Death. So... yay for callback to the comic? Also... apparently all these fights (ten wins for Angel?) are happening in one night? That... is so remarkably stupid I'm not even sure how to handle it. I literally cannot process just how dumb that is, and for an apparently throw-away moment (you have to ignore the sign-girl's very exposed (and yes, early 80's) ass and realize she's holding a title card for the eleventh fight and put that together with Angel just having won his tenth' fight. I've never seen someone make you work so hard to realize just how stupid they are before, its... breathtaking.

I'm just going to leave this scene now.  I mean, there is SO MUCH BAD that I could literally spend all fucking day breaking it down, from JLaw's weird knock-out elbow mutant power, to the guys with guns standing by to murderize Angel if Nightcrawler doesn't want to fight, in front of literally dozens of witnesses, to how very NOT EAST BERLIN IN 1981 THIS ALL IS (and yes: I would know. I was IN Berlin in 1981, thank you!), to the Post-Apocalyptic (Groan at my puns, GROAN FOR ME!!!!) vibe this scene has that literally doesn't fit the rest of the film to.... JLaw's choice of goddamn footwear. It literally doesn't end anywhere in this scene.


Cut to Pruszkow, Poland, which again, doesn't feel very like Poland in 1981 should feel (though I will admit to not being an expert on Poland...) where Magneto is working in a steel factory. And I thought MY puns were terrible!  I've got mixed opinions about putting Magneto in Poland.  I mean: Here is a guy who should want nothing to do with totalitarian police states, but on the other hand he's the most wanted man in the Western World, so it would make some sense to run East to stay out of their grasp, right?  Tell ya what: I'm going to give this a 'thumbs up', not because I truly think the film earned it, but simply because its not brain bleedingly stupid, so the bar is really really fucking low.  It MIGHT be really clever?

And we see an Idyllic farm life, but then I saw the Wolverine Movie and if this film isn't ripping off every other god-damn X-men movie it can I don't know what I'm watching. I'm not going to fault the movie for slipping out of subtitled Polish into English every chance it gets, again: Low bars and all that, but fuck me if you can't see where Magneto's arc is going the moment he drives up to his fucking farmhouse with the chickens out front you've never seen a god-damn film before in your life.  Its so very, very, VERY forumlaic and transparent, and no amount of good acting can cover for it.  Sadly its a very well done scene... all the scenes up until THE SCENE are well done, moving and affecting and generally well acted (I'll give the little girl a pass because I'm not an asshole), their only god-damn flaw is that they only exist to give Magneto a fucking tragic backstory because the "writer" is a fucking hack. The Director is a fucking hack and this film is a piece of shit.

Is it Refreshing to have scenes set in Cold War era Poland where the sun is out, the colors are fully saturated and everything looks pleasant and nice?  I'm not sure, I think so? I sort of forgot what the Cold War world was like until THE SCENE, actually. I FORGOT THIS FILM IS SET IN 1981 because its a fucking hack-job!

Oh, yeah, Magneto's Kid is Clearly a Mutant who's power is talking to deer. Or elk or whatever the fuck they are. And Magneto apparently uses 'I'm the literally Hitler Metaphor for this world' as his opening line with chicks. And it works, which either says something about the "writer", or about women, your pick.

I'll admit I don't really remember the details of X-Men First Class or the entire McAvoy Team much, so I can't say if Havoc here is the same actor. I... doubt it? He's barely the same character I remember. Anyway, he's at home with his folks recruiting Scott to the X-Men school, and again: Well done film-making, in that they literally cut to the Summers Boys in the car on the way to Westchester.  I've always liked the comic character of Havoc, and I like this actor/character in this film... though he does wear a bit thin eventually.  Too bad we'll never get a Madelyn Prior story arc out of the franchise, that was where the relationship between the brothers really started to pay off.  Also: Given his prominence in this film from the get-go, and his utter absence in the later timelines we all know how this is going to end up... though I must admit it is MUCH less obvious than Magneto's arc. Maybe because when they set it up here you're still gagging from the naked obviousness of the previous scene?


On the actor playing Scott... I've mixed feelings about him. He doesn't FEEL like a Cyclops too me, but in these early scenes he does a great job selling the normal guy whose world is 'ruined' by sudden cancer... or Mutant Power.  If you accept that he's a different character then he's actually pretty good, the question comes to mind is if he could grow into the character we expect, so it feels really unfair to ding him?

Anyway: Game of Thrones actress as Jean Grey, meet cute with crappy CGI. Someone said to me the day before (well, on Youtube) that her accent was wandering in this film, but I didn't really hear it. On the other hand, their point that she was having to not just 'act Jean Grey' but also 'Act American' is probably a bit much for the actress.  I think there is something to that statement, as her performance is really flat. Also... the giant shoulderpads costuming of the 1980's setting does her no favors, as she is a big girl (not fat, mind you! She's not a willowy slyph, however, and there is at least one scene where the shoulderpads make her look like a weirdly pretty linebacker)

Anyway, scene... So there isn't much chemistry between the actors, which probably isn't helped by 'Scott' being blind in the scene. Its not all bad, actually. The problem is that the scene is full of exposition dumping and clunky as fuck dialog.  Havoc apparently Not Knowing that Jean is a Telepath, despite his being a ten year veteran of the school simply so they can establish... for the audience mind you... what the audience already knows about the characters. Sigh.  

I'm going to break with just analyzing the 'writing' a bit to actually do something I don't usually talk about, the framing of the scene. So we have a blind Scott Summers standing squared off (feet in line with shoulders, not looking anywhere because, well, blind.), his brother Havok (who is taller and presumably older, though I thought Scott was the older brother in the comics, whatever) standing facing him to his left, looking past him a Jean, and Jean is standing about two-three feet away at a quarter angle with her books clutched to her chest looking sidelong at the brothers while she talks to them.  

Its not 'alien'... I can see people actually doing that in real life, but it does hinder the whole meet-cute, and with everyone's feet planted, and with the camera constantly passing between Scott and Jean it really doesn't help that we rarely see the two actors who are supposed to be falling in love (eventually) on screen at the same time.  Havok looking across his (blind) brother an Jean would actually be very very clever if they were going to even REMOTELY touch on the Madelyn Prior stuff, where we learn that Havoc (I think the comics spelled it with a 'K', but I'm getting tired of spellcheck fucking with me) was jealous of his brother when it came to Jean Grey... but none of that is going to matter. So it winds up being very good film work in direct opposition to what the scene is supposed to accomplish. We see Jean Grey in frame alone emotionally reacting to the dialog with Scott off camera, and Scott staring blindly into his blindfold talking to himself with his brother on screen with him. Its just a mess of bad ideas that are well executed. Sigh.

And... having established that Jean Grey is a Telepath, the scene closes with them establishing (AGAIN!) that Jean Grey is a Telepath... possibly in service of a cheap gag line? Because we need snappy dialog more than life itself!

So Nicholas Hoult shows up. I'd say 'Beast', as fitting with this Timeline he's not blue and furry but that is his character but weirdly I never got the sense he was acting... and not in the good sense. I mean I know he's a good actor, he's proven himself time and again, but now I got the sense that Hoult showed up and recited his dialog as himself. Its super bad early on and it gets progressively worse until they finally put him in makeup about half way through the film... which makes me wonder if he's only capable of getting into character if he can meditate in teh makeup chair or something?   Anyway, this reminds me that somehow/somewhy Havok is supposed to NOT BE a permanent resident of the Mansion? Possibly because he wasn't in the last movie? Mostly so Hoult can explain (For the Audience?) why he's not blue and furry at the moment?  I mean it FEELS like its for that last reason, that we need to be told, yet again, that Beast has drugs he invented that surpress his mutant powers (and 'cure' spinal damage, which is fucking weird as shit, but also not part of this movie, so no fault of this film here...).

ANYWAY: He leads them to Professor X, who apparently teaches class by sitting in the middle of a circle and spinning around constantly. What?! The?! FUCK?!  Now the film is just fucking with me.

McAvoy is, as usual, brilliant.  No matter how stupid the film gets, no matter how idiotic his dialog, he fucking crushes it.  The man delivers 110% in every scene, every film.  Fassbender has his off moments, but McAvoy? Never. I think he just loves his job.  Anyway: We have a narration transition to outside where for some reason Jean Grey is now doing archery across a duck pond.  

Nitpick: She was literally just walking through teh school with books. No: Scott enters the school, meet-cutes her (with books and no bow in sight), then goes to the Professor who INTERRUPTS HIS CLASS to help Scott, and they head straight to the Duckpond so Scott can do his power thing.. and she's there with a fucking bow?  I'll remind you all that NIGHTCRAWLER is the teleporter here. She's a telepath, and last I checked, telepaths can't bend time and space.  This is an unforced error, in service to letting her be all girly to see Scott (still blindfolded) again, and to set up the existance of a target for Scott to eye-beam?  Eh. Its dumb and unnecessary and dumb.

And I literally forgot my other point. Fuck this film, its actually destroying my brain!

Oh, now I remember: Jubilee is in this film! She even has dialog! Man I had such a crush on her when I was 14!  Don't Judge Me!!!!

Right. Scene.


So, Scott totally blows apart this tree and This Fukken Film give McAvoy a totally unnecessary emotional attachment to that particular Tree, because... sigh.. OF COURSE. Now, McAvoy, of course, crushes the dialog where he has to reveal to Scott that Scott just totally fucking killed the shit out of Professor X's Most Favorite Tree Ever, so OF COURSE Scott can stay!, so you might miss just how stupid and forced the whole thing is.  Why on God's Green Earth would you ever point a Mutant of unknown destructive potential in the direction of your Most Favorite Tree Ever? No, that's not even the stupid. People are thoughtless, careless and stupid in real life. Its just so damn stupid that Xavier has to TELL SCOTT all about this previously unknown most beloved of all trees just for a snappy line that literally makes no sense outside of LoMaM.  

We now interrupt this post for an asprin break.

AND..... we're back!

So during our Mandatory Snappy Dialog Moment we get another cut to Meet-Cute Jean Grey who, for reasons utterly unknown, is Not Actually In This Scene, But We Put Her In It Anyway.

Think about that. She's not with the group with Scott, but is observing from... call it thirty feet away.  So she's not interacting with them at all, just watching and getting all damp in the panties or something because Scott's ability to kill trees is just that damn sexy.  If she's NOT IN THE SCENE why the fuck is she IN the scene? IF you WANT her in the scene why did you have her exit the scene earlier? Oh, right: Snappy Dialog Exposition that She's Totes a Telepath, y'all!

Right. Cairo.  Bunch of guys with funky neck tattos get out of a clown car while a mysterious woman in a burka watches. This drags on for a bit until she finds a guy in a courtyard playing with a carpet, knocks him out (because? You Go Girl? I swear the big beefy guys in this film all have glass jaws! Oooh... right, she uses his own pistol to pistol-whip him into unconsciousness), and she whips off the burka to reveal.... random American Woman?

I mean: I know its supposed to be Moira McTaggert, and its probably even the same actress based on the later flashbacks to First Class, but seriously... despite absolutely needing to remind us that A: Jean Grey is a Telepath at least twice, that Beast is Blue and Furry sometimes and all the other nonsense in the previous scene, here they just assume you recognize an actress in a movie that is at least ten years old that was playing a sort of minor supporting role.  

Anyway: The carpet is covering a hole in the ground, she goes down and plays Lara Croft in the worlds lamest rip-off of Tomb Raider and sees half a dozen guys praying at a big familiar chunk of gold. Just then sunlight manages to perfectly angle down this long ass tunnel she climbed down (seriously: Its like... a football field long at least and maybe three feet around. Also, it looked to be about noon, and this tunnel is at a 45 degree angle... in a walled courtyard.  In other words: This film has no sense of place, not even within a single location that is well defined by the film itself) and... wouldn't you know, finishes the long interrupted ritual that wakes Apocalypse.  He teleports out, which kills the chanting guys but not Moira and sets off an earthquake that can be felt in Fucking Poland???!!!!  

I... don't even care. I seriously don't even fucking care at this point. Sure. Teleporting out from under a big gold block in Egypt creates and Earthquake that is felt in Poland.  No problem.

And Magneto uses his power to save a guy, which was in at least half of the trailers. Again: We see good filmmaking technique, as he looks around and people are looking at him and there is all this paranoia and tension...

Only.

What?

Seriously: Have you SEEN Magneto's Power in action? Its not exactly flashy.  Have you seen the scene? He literally raises his hand and a big chunk of metal doesn't fall on a guy, it falls two feet to the side or soemthing. No flashy lights, not waves of power, just one dude off to the side with his hand up and another guy not being crushed by molten iron in a crucible.  Sure, suspicious, but basically this scene is telling me that EVERYONE IN THAT FACTORY KNEW ALL ALONG HE WAS MAGNETO!   So again: Good technique in creating the paranoia and suspicion, BAD FUCKING SETUP that there is no earthly reason they should be all looking at Dis Fukken Guy right now.  The stupid gets worse, but I'll save that for when it becomes relevant.

And then they begin fucking with us regarding time, because its night in Westchester (which... not really? Early morning maybe? but they act like its a little after bedtime), and we sort of vaguely think this weird pointless earthquake is being felt in New York of all places.. but no, its Jean Fucking Grey having a Nightmare that is shaking the mansion and burning her wallpaper as McAvoy tries to telepathically calm her down. All sorts of hints about the Dark Phoenix Saga, but whoops! No, its a misdirection because she's actually having a vision about Apocalypse!

I want to make a Professor-X Creeper comment here, I so desperately do, but again: McAvoy just totally sells the scene and I just can't find anything beyond the setup of a grown man alone in a girl's bedroom while she sleeps angle to hang it on. Even when he does the cripple pushing himself out the wheelchair to sit beside her it comes across as paternal and caring. Damn you, McAvoy! Your talent is denying me jokes!!!!

So... the actress is struggling here. I mean, its not what I'd think is an 'easy sell', she's got to wake from a nightmare and deliver some crunchy hamhanded George Lucas quality dialog.. and she's got to do it in an American Accent(TM), but... yeah.  

And we get hints at recurring theme in the movie. Between Scott and Jean, and McAvoy's words to calm her down, we have a recurring idea that mutant powers awakening is seriously traumatic shit, y'all!  Its... inconsistent as the film moves on, so I'd rather think this is an attempt to focus on the shared burdens of Scott and Jean as part of their long romance.

And segwey to Hoult reading the script about tremors and epicenters and so on as he and Prof-X head towards Cerebro. Only, of course, the dialog is establishing that they SHOULD use Cerebro, so why are they already on their way there? Eh, nitpick.   Not really: If this was Written, instead of 'written' they would have known the next scene would be Cerebro and Hoult could have said something to X outside of Jean's room that would 'establish' this scene, while the walking dialog unpacked it. But this film only has a storyboard and some 3x5 cards full of dialog-exposition that needs to be delivered at various points, so we get this.

I'm going to expedite this, since its mostly McAvoy being damned good, and Hoult delivering his dialog on cue as himself and some cool visuals, yo. So NOW we see Moira McTaggert and get all that Lucas level exposition about her lacking in the previous scene!  Well... good on them for holding back for an extra scene, actually. Low Bars and all that.  BUT!!!:

Cerebro explicitly exists for X to find Mutants so he can help them. Moira is Not A Mutant. Also: Apocalypse IS A Mutant. How does Cerebro find Moira but NOT Apocalypse? Especially since we're about to establish that he didn't go far, he's still in Cairo?   Mind you, the entire film treats Cerebro this way, so its internally consistent to the film, but... damn!  That's a canon fail so gigantic it produces its own gravity, yo.

Also, in case you forgot, X loves him some Moira... which is why he wiped her memory and has avoided her for ten fucking years.   Just... think about that for a long, long time. Ten years. Maybe, if you think about it for ten years, maybe, at some point, it might make sense?

I mean, seriously: He's a stammering wreck just  being reminded she exists, that's how bad he's got it for her.

Anyway. Sigh.

It is time, unavoidably, for The Scene.  

So... Magneto races home from the steel factory to pack up his wife and daughter and escape Communist Poland (which I still forgot was Communist Poland at this point in history...), because OF COURSE. And, OF COURSE, his daughter isn't in her room, so he and his wife run into the forest where at last we are reminded that... oh yeah... secret police! are waiting for him with said daughter and no metal handy, just some bow and arrows.

Now: I have a totally interesting comment about Magnetism that I really really want to make, but oddly enough now is not the right time. For once the X-Men films are going to give me the perfect opportunity to talk about Magnets, and how DO they work!  So, I'll wait.

Incidentally: where the fuck do you get wooden arrows without metal tips in Poland in 1981 on short notice? Most arrows are made of aluminum, with steel tips, you know?  But whatever.  Lets assume, because the film really doesn't give us much choice, that EVERYONE ALREADY KNEW he was Magneto and that for some idiot reason they've just been waiting for an excuse to prove it.

Now Fassbender Crushes It, which of course he does.  But you really have to wonder about the long term plan of the secret police guys here. And yes: These guys for the most part crush it as well, even though there isn't really any rhyme or reason to whats happening here.  I mean: They all known 'Henryk', have been friends with him for ten fucking years, but all of a sudden, after he saves a man's life during an... sigh... earthquake... they're ready to turn on him even knowing just how much of a murderous badass he can be? With.. you know... a bow and arrow?

Ok, sure.

So of course Mutant Daughter goes all 'queen of the fucking owls' and gets herself and her mother killed. And it is so very painfully stupid. Not the fear from teh secret police as they are attacked by Birddemic, not the dawning deterministic horror from Fassbender, not even necessarily 'death by arrow'.. but..

Okay: At NO POINT in the entire scene, from beginning to end, does anyone holding a bow actually draw it. They're just sort of casually holding them, as you do. Fine. We see a close up of the guy when he shoots, and he's not aiming, not murderous... its like some sort of 'accidental discharge' from the bow. That isn't drawn. With No Tension on the string.  

The fuckign arrow should have just fallen on his foot, harmlessly I might add.  There is no way it should have flown magically twenty fucking feet and pefectly punched through the heart of two fucking warm bodies. Its like the most magically murderous arrow that ever fucking arrowed. Robin fucking Hood should be afraid of that arrow.  Stormbringer wasn't that good at murdering Elric's loved ones. Stormbringer is fucking jealous of this fucking arrow of family murder.

So Magneto proves that he's seen Gaurdians of the Galaxy because he Yondu's the fuck out of the secret police with his daughter's pendant holding the pictures of his own parents. I guess its emotionally symbolic or some shit, but frankly there are so many fucked up levels in that I haven't the foggiest clue where to begin unpacking it.  But Yondu's Arrow Pendant?  

And then Fassbender fucking loses it. They have him shouting at God about what God Wants Him to Be or some shit, and its a good idea on some level but the execution fails at every single level, to include delivery by the actor.   Its poorly 'written', directed, acted, edited and shot.  I guess they were all still high-fiving after ripping off fucking Yondu.  I guess we should be grateful that GotG2 hadn't come out yet or we'd have heard Fassbender's Magneto say some dumb shit about Mary Poppins.

And... we have a problem with the film's construction I've got to lay out here, because we jump back to Cairo where Apocalypse is 'Walking Here'.  So he doesn't understand arabic, which isn't clear for a while, and he sees Storm playing the Artful Dodger (which, nice callback to comic canon, by the way)... and random posters of Mystique the Mutant Savior posted around, by the way. Anyway, and I'll go over this in more detail in a bit, she gets chased for being a thief, he kills her attackers, follows her home, watches television for a while, recruits her... then we jump back to Magneto at teh factory where Apocalypse and Storm show up...

See the problem?

This scene happens BEFORE the scene in the woods, but its placed after for reasons I can guess at (cinematographic rules, dividing up Magneto scenes because they go on too long?), but it just doesn't work. Magneto should go from the woods to the factory in one extended scene, which means this scene should have already been shown. It breaks the narrative flow and causes unnecessary confusion... never mind that before The Woods we were IN CAIRO, watching Moira through Cerebro, which would have led to a natural transition TO CAIRO with Apocalypse.  Its a bad edit to slide Magneto's Scene in the middle like that and then chop it into two halves.


Anyway, lets unpack this scene a little more. I'm going to ignore the very inhuman looking Apocalypse wandering around Cairo in a disguising robe like some sort of god damn ninja turtle in a trenchcoat and fedora, because Mutants are a thing in this movie, and skip to the meat.

So he randomly sees Storm walking around with her gang of thieves and I guess he's either randy or he knows she's a mutant, because we are watching her through his eyes thanks to the magic of camera transitions. Whitewashing occurs: Storm is supposed to be Black, as in her name is Swahili and she came out of seriously backwater primitive africa where she believed she was a Goddess because word of Mutants didn't reach that backwater. This Storm is supposed to be Arabic/Egyptian?  I mean: The actress is half-black (like Hally Berry, so continuity! Yay!?), but combined with the only speaking actor in teh first scene being the white woman? Well... its a disturbing trend, yo. Where's my popcorn?

Anyway, she uses her awesome powers of the storm to... knock over some cheap brass vase so she can steal some cash from a box, get chased into an alley, cornered where they plan to cut off her hand.

Racism we much?

No, but seriously: I know that shit be fucked up in that part of the world (Though in 1981?) and cutting the hand off of thieves is seriously a Sharia Complient sort of thing, but they DO Have a legal system, cops and all that. Random shop keepers carrying big daggers for the purposes of doing their own hand removal?   I mean: Stereotypes piled on such blatant racism that I notice it???  

And yet the big controversy of the film was its depiction of violence towards women?

Anyway: Apocalypse uses his power over dirt to kill a half dozen people and Storm is so impressed that she... takes him home with her.  I... what is it with the women of this film finding mutant powers all sexy like?  Its, seriously, a thing.


And... Cut to the CIA where Moira is pointlessly returned to the film to explain, maybe, Apocalypse and McAvoy can play lovesmitten fool, which he does like his life, or at least his paycheck, depends on it. Seriously, dude, you don't have to try so hard. The director would have no idea if you were phoning it in... just look at Hoult, for god's sake! Oh, and for some reason he takes Havok with him, probably so we'll remember who he is for his inevitible death later on.

I'd end there, but fuck me, the film just has to go and somehow make Apocalypse the origin point of all human religion and eschatology.  No. Just... no.  This is doubly insulting as they specifically reference the four horsemen of Revalation, and then NEVER EVER EVER use that in the scenes with Apocalypse. No thematic recruiting, no naming his Horsemen... nothing.

Also there is a bit where Xavier freezes everyone in the office with a word, which is an awesome demonstration of power but serves absolutely no purpose. No one has confronted him about his right to be in teh CIA, no one seems to notice him wheeling through the building... it just... he just... does it. For the trailers or something.  Because its FUN!

Also: Is it just me or does the actor playing Havok in this scene actually acting as if he knows he's just on screen to remind us all who he is so he can die later? I mean he seems to be playing it that way, which is awesome and tragic at the same time. Its a shockingly deterministic film! Hmm... may a 'predestined' film? THat doesn't read as well but I think is more accurate. Well, whatever. This review is nihilistic because I'm losing the will to live....

So: there is a bit where Xavier says "I have a Level Five Clearance" and I'm honestly lost if this is supposed to be 'snappy patter', because that is sure as shit how it plays, or if he legitimately has some sort of security clearance and we're learning something deep about him in the process, as we did with the Legion Reveal in the same scene.  It never comes up again. But neither does Legion.

Anyway: The entire god damn scene is really just an exposition dump on Apocalypse, which again: For whom? The Audience? We've already seen all this, so its for the characters, and that just makes it wasted time.  Also: How the fuck do they know shit about a fucking mutant who 'died' six fucking thousand years ago?   Just for funsies, look up the grand sum total knowledge on teh Scorpion King on Wikipedia... its about two paragraphs long, and half of it is explianing how they know what they know. Now recall that Moira is telling Xavier all about a guy who disappeared SEVEN HUNDRED YEARS before the Scorpion King!

She practically gives him a bio more suitable for JFK, for fucks sake! Also: Name Drop.


So he... sigh... absorbs all human knowledge from the Television while she offers him a drink and tells him all about how awesome Mystique is, the Savior of all Mutantkind and her personal Hero. Because, I assume, JLaw. Or, maybe, Feminism?  I don't know, but that's ok, because apparently the film doesn't either and its a plot threat that never really pays out.

Seriously: He absorbs all human knowledge from television. We even seen the sattelite dishes streaming the data straight to his brain.  Because I'm sure there was a mutant SIX THOUSAND YEARS AGO that had that power that he totally collected by taking their body.

Seriously: They should have just gone with Magic and/or Aliens and this would have made more sense.

So they finally give him something like dialog and the first thing that comes to my mind is the Mirror Universe version of Leeloo Dallas's learning board. Of course its terribly pretentious and judgemental about where we've come as a species AND THEN we get to add the pretentious and judgemental but evil take from Apocalypse.  A guy all about the strong ruling the weak (or something... the movie seriously can't pin down his philosophy much either...) is upset about weapons and superpowers?  

I mean: I guess on some level they want Apocalypse to be sort of a Force of Nature, and there is plenty of that in Oscar Issac's performance (though given the makeup and costume and voice modulation you have to wonder why they bothered hiring an actor in the first place...), but he's got too much human interaction and personal goals... and on some levels the goals and philosophies (or themes..) wind up working at cross purposes.  Its like they got the message that a compelling villain has to have goals and a purpose, motivation, so they just threw every evil purpose and motivation they could spitball at him and used ALL OF IT!

Anyway: After he's absorbed all human knowledge from TV (sigh), he finally interacts some with Storm and... wasted potential.  That's really all I can say about it. Storm says something reasonably interesting about changing the world by killing people (you know, NOT killing people) and then follows it up rather weakly when talking about laws and systems, and he... sigh... pulls some weak sauce Mutant Supremist stuff that is about eighteen shades farther than anything Magneto ever pulled... and I'm sitting here thinking that, you know... it would have been actually a major step up to hire the guys responsible for Divis Mal in Aberrant to write Apocalypse.  That's seriously what I'm thinking... that fuckign White Wolf managed to make a much more compelling, complex and complete argument for exactly this case in fucking Aberrant way the fuck back in 1998 or so.  Saint Gygax wept.

And he makes a comic callback by calling her a Goddess as he 'empowers' her. Also I think he's supposed to have some sort of persuasion superpower as his voice gets more SFX when he is 'recruiting her' in this scene.

And I'm not entirely happy with this whole 'empowerment' nonsense. I GET it, and on some level its necessary for Angel in a couple of scenes, but frankly... I just think like everything else it could have been handled so much better if someone had taken the time to actually think about it.  Also, its insulting to get the constant comicbook call backs even as you anally violate the same comic books (Storm needs Apocalypse to be a fucking weather goddess instead of some chump who can just about manage to knock over some cheap vases with a gust of wind? Fuck off and die in a fire, movie!) Also: Being empowered turns her hair white because... I have no idea.  I guess there is some sort of LoMaM thing going on here, but seriously it just such a cheap shot at the character that I can't be bothered to think WHY she needed Apocalypse to do her hair for her.

AND..... still not back to Magneto.  Jesus, I forgot how badly recent movies tend to butcher editing. Its been twenty minutes since we saw JLaw and Nightcrawler, so naturally we need to get back to her, because she's The Big Thing in Hollywood right now!  And they are getting Nightcrawler (I'm gonna call him Kurt and save time typing, m'kay?) a passport from Caliban... ooooh... and also set up Psylocke as his bodyguard.

Also: Nightcrawler fucking teleports. Why the fuck is he worried about crossing borders and immigration and shit?  East German Underground Fighting Mutant-Murder Clubs must be a big fucking deal in Europe right now!   Seriously: THis is Cold War era Germany. Use your goddamn mutant teleporting power to get into West Germany and, get this, as a German (he IS A FCUCKING GERMAN!!!!!) ask for fucking asylum as a defector!!!!!  What a fucking concept!!!!  

But no. For LoMaM reasons he's going to follow JLaw all the way to the US because OF COURSE and proceed to stink up the rest of the movie. Look, the actor does a fine job, it just that no one seems to have a fun, watchable take on a blue demonic teleporting german who happens to be a devout catholic, so he winds up being a walking shitshow in ever movie incarnation.  Focusing on his two fingered hands and feet (a perfectly fun thing to draw, again: a shitshow to depict on screen with an actor) doesn't help.

Anyway: Caliban, who is only in this movie because he's in Logan (I swear), is a perfectly enjoyable character in this film and Psylocke is one of his bodyguards in his underground passport business.  Now, dirgression of sorts: Kudos to Olivia Munn for insisting that weirdly enough, her character is the only one in fifty fucking Xmen Films to actually wear her Comic Book Costume (of sorts...), but no other aspect of her character is remotely related to the actual Psylock, who among other things was actually British*. Well, okay, I guess she IS supposed to be a Telepath (accordign to Caliban.... in this one scene), but that was actually part o the point of her weird glowy blade: It was psychic, a manifestation of her telepathic power, not some fucking LIGHTSABER.  Fuck me with a duck, you had to get the costume right but never mind the fucking Power?  

Anyway. JLaw is walking around this scene with the usual Hollywood 'bad bitch' chip on her shoulder, which means a lot of 'I don't care' lines and random threats of ultraviolence directed at people she is currently asking for favors (or rather buying favors from).  Caliban is, of course, an exposition machine, but damnitall this actor is just so much fun to watch doing this character (not the same guy as Logan) that it hard to actually complain too much.  I'm not going to fault JLaw here for the Bad Bitch routine. She didn't invent it, and she didn't write it and even an actress I actually like (oh, say Karen Black who did Bad Bitch on Farscape for Five Fucking Years) probably couldn't carry off this version of it.  Its this current take on the trope that is so very, very obnoxious.  There is no charm it in, no sense to it... it doesn't make her look like a hard case, it makes her look like an antisocial nutcase, and the only reason that the scene doesn't take it to its logical usual conclusions (where the Bad Bitch does real physical harm to someone who is ON HER OWN SIDE just to make her point... which, sadly, does happen too often in these scenes...) is that there is another Bad Bitch on scene to stop her (Psylocke)...


Caliban, like a trooper, pushes the plot forward by letting Mystique know that Magneto just killed All The Police in Poland, again: all these jumping scenes and edits make following the timeline of a relatively short sequence of events very fucking hard. Stop Doing That, Hollywood!


AND... Still not back to Magneto. Now we're back to Westchester where Scott is getting an earful of technobabble from Hoult about his new glasses. I just love how he tosses in "...some Ruby Quartz I had lying around...". That... is fucking hilarious.  I can't explain it, it just is.  The delivery helps I think, because right after that Hoult goes off the deep-end with vector phase resonance level technobabble.  

Its actually funny when Hoult tells him to open his eyes then glances over to realize there are kids playing frisbee and has him wait until Scott is pointed in a safe direction. Its... well, its not well edited necessarily, but low bars and all that. Its IS a bit LoMaM-ish, but unlike most of the film, in this case it actually does work. If the editing was smoother it might almost pass under the radar.

And for the first... and LAST... time in 50 odd movies we actually get to see the world the way Scott does, with a pink tint to everything.  Its pretty much just a shot of some clouds, but I'll take it.  But keeping par for course we now see Scott SEEING Jean Grey for the first time... but we DON"T see her through his eyes.  Sigh.

And this leads to a problem with these two characters:  Scott approaches Jean and, despite all the girly panty wetting she was giving blind him, her response to his approach is... cold. THis isn't her fault, this has to be the director.  Scott assumes the overheard comments about danger refers to him and she warms to him as she reveals SHE is the dangerous one (er... feminism? I dunno... I mean Dark Phoenix and all that...), but he's not intimidated at all and so NOW she warms up to him.

Only, the last time we saw either of them she was wet from the way he killed a fucking tree with the smouldering intensity of his gaze... or something.  So the film clearly has no idea what their relationship status should be in any given scene, only that they are, in fact, predestined to fall in love so she can disintigrate him for daring to accept a role in a Superman film later.

And Again they never really share the Frame. How the hell are they supposed to be falling in love when its not entirely clear that the actors were even on set at the same time? And the Edits! Fuck me every other time they cut to her its like they just randomly picked a moment and slapped it in there, so she randomly bounces between grim faced 'Fear me, boy, for I be a dangerous freak' and 'looney I'm in love face' with no regard for what Scott is saying off camera.

I caught Ian Mckellen's AMA last week (I don't know when it was recorded), and you know what he said he'd tell any modern director if he was in charge: whenever possible put the actors and sets on camera together.

Exactly, Ian, exactly.

Cut to JLaw and Hoult in the foyer, once again reminding the audience that they should be blue, but aren't. Holy fucking shit this movie is condescending as fuck. Also, while they are both reciting dialog, neither one is really playing a character at this point.  In fact I think there is some pointed inside humor that totes goes over our stupid audience heads when Hoult says "I never thought I'd see you here again' and JLaw replies "yeah, me neither." because, like, you totally don't realize she really didn't want to do the X-men movies ever again, right? RIGHT?

I'm going to find Bryan Singer and I'm going to break both his kneecaps with a baseball bat (aluminum, for reasons that will be made clear much later) and then I'll scream at him to fucking Dance.  And then, and THEN... I'll tell him that its funny because he can't dance because I broke both his legs, get it? GET IT BRYAN?

Er.

Where was I? Oh, yeah: Then Kurt pops his head into frame to remind the audience that he is there with JLaw, and that he is, in fact, Blue. And that his name is Kurt, in case you missed that VERY RUSHED exposition at the end of the last scene.  It is weird as fuck, actually.  Just... weird.

Also it breaks up all that 'almost in character' tension that was being built up for no purpose whatsoever so they can get the god damn plot moving again after all that inside humor. Which: Weird. Why would you do that? If you saw you NEEDED To do that, wouldn't that make you question the wisdom of the previous half dozen lines?  

And Caliban and Apocalypse have a scene. I still like Caliban, and I love how he trash talks Apocalypse, and also how mercenary he is.  And Apocalypse goes on about how all mutants are his children and some crap about the strongest... neither one of which will pay off worth a damn, then he empowers teh fuck out of Psylocke's glowy sword.. though what the fuck that actually means isn't really clear, so she totally joins him and dimes out Mystique?  Whatever. Lets keep this plot train rolling, yo.

Actually: There is a point about making interesting vs boring characters in films. An interesting character must be active and not reactive, hero or villain. If your hero is only reacting to what the villain does he'll be boring an uninteresting.  Now in this case we do have something 'good', in that most of the characters in this film that matter are, in fact, Acting.  Apocalypse might be an incomprehensible 'tard, but he's got a plan. Its weird, stupid and probably makes as much sense on LSD as it does off LSD, but he's got a plan and he's following it.  Xavier's got things he's doing, completely unrelated to Apocalypse... even Psylocke here is following her own motivations, switching her loyalty from Caliban (who can pay her) to Apocalypse (who gives her more power).  Oddly Storm (whose actress got all the praise) is entirely reactive, as is Magneto... so two of the most praised actors in the film are actually playing the most reactive characters (aside from, sigh, Angel... so badly misused... and Nightcrawler too...)

I'll say it too: Olivia Munn is NOT a good actress.  One simple line: "What do you want?" and its butchered.  I mean, fuck that delivery, yo. How hard is that line to deliver?


And we are back to Westchester where Jubilee is introducing Kurt to Scott, and frankly its a canon violation too hilarious not to get mentioned. Cyclops AND Nightcrawler were both members of the X-men DECADES before Jubilee was even a character. Cyclops was a founding member. So for Jubilee to be Sempai to both of them has got to be a deliberate joke.

Anyway for reasons that can be chalked up to 'Teenagers gotta Teenage', Scott leads the 'gang'... consisting of himself, Kurt, Jean and Jubiless, to "The Mall". This serves no real narrative purpose, though I suppose it does mean that we can see the characters be all... you know... charactery, so its not entirely pointless.  Badly handled and wasted film? Certainly.  And straight laced Scott is the one who wants to 'borrow' the Professor's cars without asking.

But the whole thing last a minute because we cut to Metallica playing while a drunk and theoretically half crippled Angel hangs out shirtless in a warehouse.  Yay for Metallica?  So in theory during the cage match with Nightcrawler Angel burnt his wings on the electric cage bad enough to cripple him, yet we constantly see him "Flying", like hes suspended on wires and swinging around.  So he's getting drunk because his life sucks. And Apocalypse just teleports in, figures 'this is my guy', and transforms his wings into metal with blades...

Right.

Okay: In the Comics, Angel (who honestly has the shittiest power in comic books) was captured by the Morlocks in teh tunnels under New York City and tortured and crippled for some time, making him literally useless, instead of sort of mostly useless.  Apocalypse didn't just transform Angel, he offered him hope, a return to flying (along with Not-Useless superpowers to go with it), and made him literally the Angel of Death in one of the more complex and mature story arcs in X-men history, taking a character who really had nothing to offer to a team of super-humans (most of whom could also fly!), into not just someone useful and dangerous, but also into a complex and interesting character who betrayed his friends out of a deeply personal loss that they couldn't quite understand.

Here?

Eh, fuck it. Angel's cool with metal wings, right? Lets do that.

Angel doesn't betray anyone or anything, he's got no real connection to anybody and he doesn't even make a choice. He's staggeringly drunk and gay-posing for Apoc when Apoc says 'yup, that be one sexah boy, gotta put him on my team' and gives him metal wings with blades. Next!


So we cut back to two actors who aren't bothering to act as Hoult shows off the Blackbird to JLaw, with some very lame attempts at snappy dialog humor. I'm going to be honest with you, the only reason for this scene is to set up the coming explosive death of Havok. Well, that and to reveal/set up teh sort of Beast JLaw idea of founding the X-Men rather than running a school. Yeah, its... a thing?


And another thing: Every time Hoult and JLaw start to form some sort of emotional connection to their characters the director breaks the flow deliberately. Last time it was with Kurt popping his head into the scene to announce that yes, he is in fact Blue, now its JLaw reminding Hoult she doesn't want to lead the X-Men () but is only here because the script demands she talk about Magneto.  Christ, I can't imagine a worse way to handle the film. Its almost like a deliberate subversion of filmmaking sometimes.

And this next transition: I swear to God every time I see it I think I'm seeing Scott getting into the garage where Xavier keeps all his cars, but its always Magneto AT LAST showing back up to the steel factory in Poland to murder all his coworkers.  Fassbender delivers a sort of deep and affecting speech (well, he Delivers deep and affecting but the 'script' doesn't.), but someone forgot to tell the presumably polish extras what he was announcing (in short: someone here told teh secret police about me, so I'm going to murder you all because now your families will feel what I feel. Yes, it is pretty much that lame), so the one guy who gets a line "Henryk, don't do this."... according to the subtitles anyway, clearly has no idea what he's responding to.

But LoMaM rears its ugly head. See: we can let Magneto kill a bunch of Gestapo/Stasi guys who just murdered his family (by accident... just in case you forgot), but murdering all of his former co-workers in cold blood would be too much, so Apocalypse shows up and rather off-handedly does it for him... and THIS is the point where I realized this film was completely off the rails on every single level. It wasn't just off the rails, it had NO IDEA where the rails even were or where supposed to be.

I mean the heavy handed build up to THE SCENE was enough to get me to check out of the film emotionally, and Magneto's adolescent and weird screaming at God (never mind his choice of murder weapons...) was enough to convince me the film was right proper fucked (imagine the Rabbits in Snatch...), but here... here I was done.

Okay, so what exactly is wrong?  Well first why would Apocalypse want to recruit Magneto, a self-proclaimed leader of Mutant Kind (he saw the TV speech from the a last one)?  Apoc wants followers and worshippers, no matter what else he may say in his vague utterances. Why would Magneto agree to join him? Magneto isn't a joiner! In fact that's sort of a big part of his character arc, innit?  There is the utter lack of direction/motivation on the part of the extras, and then AND THEN! we get to the moral vacuity that is at the heart of this scene.  Its like Bryan Singer is at once both aware that Magneto can't kill the factory workers because that would make him a monster in the eyes of the audience, yet somehow believes that the audience agrees with Magneto that they need to die, so to 'save' Magneto's heroic status he has Apocalypse show up and do the deed for him (LoMaM in action, everyone!), and just... move on.

I mean, I could break down what is wrong with this one scene for days, but frankly no one's got that sort of time.  I mean, once Apoc shows up the emotionally wrecked Magneto drops into Snappy Dialog mode, and that really does say it all, doesn't it?

So, moving on.

So we go to Auschwitz, just to revel in the moral vacuity of this movie.  There is something fundamentally flawed with the "script" that calls for Magneto, of all people, to need a lesson in his mutant powers, and there is something fundamentally flawed with the people that 'wrote' this film assuming that the only reason Aushwitz hasn't been torn down is because people just love the place so much. That it must be somehow cathartic to see Magneto, by canon a survivor, tear the place apart with his powers... if ONLY we had Mutants to do what we non-mutant people apparently lack the moral courage to do or something?

Seriously.

What.

The.

Fuck.


And a reminder: The big problem people had with this film when it was released was there is a scene where the villain (Apocalypse, in case the moral nullity of this film has confused you) chokes out Mystique.

THAT was the big moral problem. THAT was the issue.

Oh, yeah: And Apocalypse somehow 'teaches' Magneto to Magneto.  Not 'empowers' him, apparently, just.... 'feel all that metal in teh ground? Yeah, that's totally your bag, dude."

Fuck me sideways with a duck.

Also, because it probably needs to be said: The ONE CHARACTER in this film who doesn't need ANY FUCKING PROMPTING to hate humanity... IN THIS VERY FILM... is... taken to Aushwitz to remind him of just how bad he used to have it. You know, before his wife and daughter were murdered by the most evil arrow in the multiverse just a few hours earlier. **

Sigh. Audiences be dumb, y'all.

I literally will not say a word about Apocalypse's little speech here, but I can't leave this scene without noting that this scene especially reveals just how limiting that costume was for poor old Oscar Issac. He can't actually raise his arms at all!  Do I find it clever or annoying that when Magneto is totally learning to Magneto that the dirt makes the 'magnetic field of earth' graphic? Given this scene's utter lack of taste or sense, I think its safe to say that no benefit of the doubt was given that day, its just dumb, dumb, dumb.  

Cut to... CNN broadcasting from Central Poland about Magneto. THis IS set in 1981, right? I had to check to see if CNN even existed in 1981 (they did...), and I'll be damned if I'm going to check to see if any western news stations would have had live reporters in Poland in 1981, on the scene, because even if they did it STILL strains by suspension of disbelief too much to bear. Oh, and yeah, Quicksilver is watching TV, yo.  Remember him? He's in this movie too, because OF COURSE he is.  I mean, he was the best fucking part of the last one, amirite?

Ok, to be fair this movie makes much better use of him than Day of Future Past did. They actually ge

[Dumarest]

Geez...that was longer than the movie!

Not that I was planning to see this film, but I enjoyed reading that it was just as stupid as the ads made it look. And now I won't be tempted if I see the DVD in the cut-out bins.

It's too bad they won't just make a movie starting from the start with the original line-up (Iceman, Cyclops, Marvel Girl, Angel, Beast), make a good sequel where they play out Giant-Size X-Men #1, and polish it off with a good movie with the Phoenix story to wrap it up.

[Headless]

Whats NaBloa?  

Or what ever that acronym you keep useing to explain why the movie sucks mean?  

You know the one, "becuase *acronym* and focus groups instead of a script writter".

[Spike]

you mean LoMaM?  The Logic of Making a Movie?    

Yeah, I could probably use the full length phrase once in a while just to remind people where the sudden acronym came from.... by my GOD MAN!!! Did you SEE how long it was???  

I probably saved twenty minutes worth of typing out that damn phrase alone!!!

[Omega]

We used to call that "Movie by Committee" but I guess MbC isnt as cool sounding. It does though better sum up this problem.