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Author Topic: [The Cog Wars] Opening Text  (Read 594 times)

Levi Kornelsen

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[The Cog Wars] Opening Text
« on: September 13, 2006, 10:01:24 pm »
Since I'm in the midst of design, I've been thinking about various bits and pieces of how to do things.  One of the things I've been thinking about is "Opening Text".

In a White Wolf game, this is usually a short little story (personally, I don't like these - I just skip them).  In Castle Falkenstein, there was that letter "Dear Mike: I'm not dead."

And so on.  I like this in principle, and I'm trying to sort ways to do it for this game.

So, here's the opening text for The Cog Wars.  What are your thoughts, both on this text, and on the idea of such texts in general?

---------

We, The People Of Tiran,

Have Been Under The Boots Of Too Many Masters For Too Many Years.  Once We Stood United Against A Mad Prince In A Summer Revolt, And Tore The Crowns From The Heads Of The Foul Aristocracy, But Our Fires Have Died Down.

We Face Not One Enemy In These Days, But Many.

Our Council Of Leaders Is Corrupt.  The Wealth Of The City Flows Only Into The Hands Of A Few, Who Wield It Only For The Oppression Of The Many.

We Have Made New Life, And We Spit On It.  Those Cogs That Rise To Think And To Feel Are Our Brothers, And They Are Punished For That Becoming.

We Make Slaves Of Ourselves, Accepting Crushing Debt And Terms Of Payment That Chain Us In Factories, To Live And Sleep On The Benches Of Those That Own Them.

The Aristocrats Rise Again, Changing The Laws To Revive Their Old Powers.

And We, The People, Have Done Nothing.

We Will Awaken.

We Will Name Those That Would Steal From Us, And Call Them Enemy.  We Will Go To Their Strongholds, To The Fastnesses Of Their Power, And We Will Drag Them Down.

We Are The People, And This Is Our Will.  Those That Stand In The Way Of The People Are Puppets, Lackeys, And Bearers Of Whips.  To Them, Beware.  You Are Not Of The People, Are Not For The People, And Will Not Be Dealt With Gently.

They Will Call Us Rebels.  So Be It.

Vellorian

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[The Cog Wars] Opening Text
« Reply #1 on: September 14, 2006, 10:42:34 am »
Quote from: Levi Kornelsen
What are your thoughts, both on this text, and on the idea of such texts in general?


In general, I like intro texts that "set the stage."  I usually base a lot of my decision on whether the game interests me on that intro text.

I don't like all the capitalization in your text.  The editor in me screams, so I am immediately distracted by that.  Then it's hard to pick out important words because They All Look Important, Even The Articles, Connector Words And The Prepositions.

I would suggest capitalizing only the key words, in the style of writing from the 18th and 19th centuries.
Ian Vellore
"Is life so dear, or peace so sweet, as to be purchased at the price of chains and slavery? Forbid it, Almighty God! I know not what course others may take; but as for me, give me liberty or give me death!" -- Patrick Henry

Mcrow

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[The Cog Wars] Opening Text
« Reply #2 on: September 14, 2006, 12:24:12 pm »
yeah, all the capitals are giving be a headache.

It sounds like every word in this is important in the given world. If that is the case then choose to emphasis the ones that are the most important.

maybe something like this:

We, the people of Tiran,

have been under the boots ...of..... TOO MANY MASTERS ...for.... TOO MANY YEARS.

or write it out like more of a narration.

Levi Kornelsen

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[The Cog Wars] Opening Text
« Reply #3 on: September 14, 2006, 12:28:14 pm »
Quote from: Vellorian
I don't like all the capitalization in your text.  The editor in me screams, so I am immediately distracted by that.  Then it's hard to pick out important words because They All Look Important, Even The Articles, Connector Words And The Prepositions.


That's partly an artifact of the font change...  In the original font, it's all caps, but the letters showing here as small are one size smaller than the first letters in the words.

JongWK

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[The Cog Wars] Opening Text
« Reply #4 on: September 14, 2006, 01:31:54 pm »
I like a short fiction to present the game. They help set the tone (if done right, that is).
"I give the gift of endless imagination."
~~Gary Gygax (1938 - 2008)


LostSoul

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[The Cog Wars] Opening Text
« Reply #5 on: September 14, 2006, 04:07:11 pm »
This is just me, but I'd cut out this part:

Quote from: Levi Kornelsen
Have Been Under The Boots Of Too Many Masters For Too Many Years.  Once We Stood United Against A Mad Prince In A Summer Revolt, And Tore The Crowns From The Heads Of The Foul Aristocracy, But Our Fires Have Died Down.

We Face Not One Enemy In These Days, But Many.

Our Council Of Leaders Is Corrupt.  The Wealth Of The City Flows Only Into The Hands Of A Few, Who Wield It Only For The Oppression Of The Many.


All that is implied by the later text.  I would start off with:

We, the people of Tiran,

Have made new life and spit on it.

Now I want to read more.
 

Levi Kornelsen

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[The Cog Wars] Opening Text
« Reply #6 on: September 14, 2006, 04:23:15 pm »
Quote from: LostSoul
All that is implied by the later text.


Hm.  It may well be.  The reason it's in there, especially the bit about the summer revolt, is so that one of the character types (Geezers) makes sense as quickly as possible - so that players don't go "okay, I get the youthful rebels, and the oppressed Cogs, but what's with all the old fogeys in the rebellion?"

Quote from: LostSoul
Now I want to read more.


Excellent!

If you like, here is the setting promo.