TheRPGSite

Other Games, Development, & Campaigns => Design, Development, and Gameplay => Topic started by: MeganovaStella on July 03, 2022, 09:11:17 PM

Title: Can anyone give my indie RPG a proofread?
Post by: MeganovaStella on July 03, 2022, 09:11:17 PM
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1WXzjFECX_EOnr0uatudT-Q8H-i1RrHIhBSl8gDlS4q0/edit#


Now, to tell you about this game:

1. It's not made to be sold. It's just for Discord friends to play, or the people on a server I own.
2. It's made to simulate a world I have been making for over 3 years. Balance is not a primary priority.
3. also it's meant to be powergamed.
4. also it's based off a system a friend of mine made.

I have just finished the first half of the magic section, which makes the game good enough to play. however, I want to make a playtest on a server i own soon and I want to make sure this document is readable and understandable enough to make a character out of and engage in some combat. Thus, I am mainly looking for typo detection, run-on sentences, concise wording, and so on. Critiqing the mechanics would be a nice bonus. Comments are enabled.
Title: Re: Can anyone give my indie RPG a proofread?
Post by: KindaMeh on July 03, 2022, 09:58:23 PM
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1WXzjFECX_EOnr0uatudT-Q8H-i1RrHIhBSl8gDlS4q0/edit#


Now, to tell you about this game:

1. It's not made to be sold. It's just for Discord friends to play, or the people on a server I own.
2. It's made to simulate a world I have been making for over 3 years. Balance is not a primary priority.
3. also it's meant to be powergamed.
4. also it's based off a system a friend of mine made.

I have just finished the first half of the magic section, which makes the game good enough to play. however, I want to make a playtest on a server i own soon and I want to make sure this document is readable and understandable enough to make a character out of and engage in some combat. Thus, I am mainly looking for typo detection, run-on sentences, concise wording, and so on. Critiqing the mechanics would be a nice bonus. Comments are enabled.

The number one piece of advice I have, before even actually reading it, upon hearing that this is solely a game for you and your friends...

Trust your gut about what you want to run and your friends want to play. As well as what feels to you like your voice and genuineness as a writer and designer.

We don't know these people or the setting as well as you do, and we probably never will. It was brave to open up your work to this site's commentary, and with all the experts, veterans, designers and publishers that dwell here, I'm sure we'll try not to disappoint. But at the end of the day, it's your game, not ours, and your friends will be the ones playing it.

 Make sure to disregard any feedback we give that seems offbase in that sense, and remember that as this is a site that strongly supports free speech, some people in an attempt to give helpful criticism may sound like jerks. That being said, it takes strength to solicit criticism, and I do think you made the right decision here in asking the support of a community as knowledgeable and capable as this one.

Ultimately, you must trust in yourself to interpret what is and is not valid criticism and commentary.

Now with that being said... It's awesome that you've spent so much time and thought on something over the years that your friends now get to enjoy. Don't let anything that happens in terms of criticism ruin that for you, because it's a rare person who puts together an entire system and world like you have here, much less with the support of friends and to give back to that very amicable community. Rock on, dude.
Title: Re: Can anyone give my indie RPG a proofread?
Post by: KindaMeh on July 03, 2022, 11:01:50 PM
Alright, I thought it was pretty neat. Got some pretty serious Exalted and WOD vibes (Mage vibes for the spheres and casting especially, I liked the magic system in part because of my nostalgia for Mage) in reading it. So I think it shares a lot of strengths, and perhaps also weaknesses, with those systems and settings. Whole essays and reviews have been written, YouTubed, etcetera, on that subject, I suppose. Looking into and pondering them will likely give you a fair bit of insight on your own stuff.

 I tried to stick mostly to very basic edits regarding clarity and typos, etcetera, because I have rather limited expertise compared to some folks on this site and also that seemed to me more along the lines of what you were hoping for. I think I was some of the green anonymous posts. EDIT: NVM the colors seem to shift and change with every refresh, almost all old anonymous comments mine or others being purplish on the most recent cycle, and I can't even distinguish the colors of mine from the others. Commenting anonymously was perhaps a bad idea.

I think a lot of people who prefer OSR and OD&D and the like won't be quite as hot to trot on your system. But your system is your system, and it does what it does and is what it is. I'd say stick with its current design, but refine it, possibly by expanding and clarifying parts that need that and looking into variations on the Storytelling System to learn from each one's edges and pitfalls if you haven't already. Ultimately what matters is that it's the system and world you care about and want to play.

(Be aware, though, that with the level of discretion the Weaver of Narrative seems to be given even just as regards determining what gets rolled, how spheres are interpreted, what stat and skill levels mean, etcetera, there might be a bit of pressure on said person. And their skill level/the degree of trust and buy-in they can get from players will be important. Moreso, perhaps, than even for GMs elsewhere, in that the ruleset here seems less prescriptive and more GM interpreted.)

Others will probably have better and more specific commentary, or be more versed in the whole game design, development, and playtesting arenas.
Title: Re: Can anyone give my indie RPG a proofread?
Post by: MeganovaStella on July 04, 2022, 12:48:03 AM
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1WXzjFECX_EOnr0uatudT-Q8H-i1RrHIhBSl8gDlS4q0/edit#


Now, to tell you about this game:

1. It's not made to be sold. It's just for Discord friends to play, or the people on a server I own.
2. It's made to simulate a world I have been making for over 3 years. Balance is not a primary priority.
3. also it's meant to be powergamed.
4. also it's based off a system a friend of mine made.

I have just finished the first half of the magic section, which makes the game good enough to play. however, I want to make a playtest on a server i own soon and I want to make sure this document is readable and understandable enough to make a character out of and engage in some combat. Thus, I am mainly looking for typo detection, run-on sentences, concise wording, and so on. Critiqing the mechanics would be a nice bonus. Comments are enabled.

The number one piece of advice I have, before even actually reading it, upon hearing that this is solely a game for you and your friends...

Trust your gut about what you want to run and your friends want to play. As well as what feels to you like your voice and genuineness as a writer and designer.

We don't know these people or the setting as well as you do, and we probably never will. It was brave to open up your work to this site's commentary, and with all the experts, veterans, designers and publishers that dwell here, I'm sure we'll try not to disappoint. But at the end of the day, it's your game, not ours, and your friends will be the ones playing it.

 Make sure to disregard any feedback we give that seems offbase in that sense, and remember that as this is a site that strongly supports free speech, some people in an attempt to give helpful criticism may sound like jerks. That being said, it takes strength to solicit criticism, and I do think you made the right decision here in asking the support of a community as knowledgeable and capable as this one.

Ultimately, you must trust in yourself to interpret what is and is not valid criticism and commentary.

Now with that being said... It's awesome that you've spent so much time and thought on something over the years that your friends now get to enjoy. Don't let anything that happens in terms of criticism ruin that for you, because it's a rare person who puts together an entire system and world like you have here, much less with the support of friends and to give back to that very amicable community. Rock on, dude.

Thanks. I'll make sure to include all the advice I think fits.
Title: Re: Can anyone give my indie RPG a proofread?
Post by: MeganovaStella on July 11, 2022, 03:28:56 AM
bump